Take Your Jeans Off w/ Rick Glassman | Your Mom's House Ep. 857

Summary

Podcast Summary

Podcast: Your Mom's House with Tom Segura (Christina P. away)
Episode: Take Your Jeans Off w/ Rick Glassman | Ep. 857
Date: April 29, 2026
Guests: Rick Glassman
Location: YMH Studios

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Episode Overview

This episode features Rick Glassman, comedian and host of the “Take Your Shoes Off” podcast, sitting in for Christina P. (who’s on the road). Tom Segura leads an unfiltered, often hilarious conversation with Rick spanning sex, cleanliness, travel, comedy culture, and Rick’s quest to reconnect with a mesmerizing woman he saw at a Denver show. As always, it’s packed with raunch, personal insight, comedic banter, and reflections on the quirks of life and show business.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Comedic Banter & Introduction

• Tom welcomes Rick ("Ricky's on the loose!") and jokes about pre-show laugh tracks and intimidating staff ([00:39])
• The pair riff about room temperature, nipples, and pre-show rituals, quickly diving into sex and personal preferences ([01:04-03:00]).
• Notable bit: Tom teases Rick about being a nipple and ball guy, launching the episode's relaxed and raunchy tone.

Quote:
Rick: “It’s not something that I say, like suck my nipples, but if they’re kissing me and they suck my nipples... I’m like, oh, this is nice.” ([01:36])

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2. Cleanliness, Shoes Off Rules & Personal Quirks

• Rick’s rules: no phones on the bed (“phones are dirty as shit"), designated indoor/outdoor clothes, and enforcing "take your shoes off" in the house ([03:00-05:15]).
• Tom commends the cleanliness observed in Asian households, sparking cracks about “cracker” dirtiness and ruminations on why some guests are resistant to household rules.

Quote:
Rick: “I’m very good at not taking other people’s feelings as my responsibility.” ([05:21])

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3. Travel Preferences: Shoes, Luggage & Essentials

• Shoe talk morphs into travel tips: Rick packs stage-only shoes and brings his own pillow, while Tom details his own packing habits ([06:53-07:41]).

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4. Male Insecurity & Sexual Health

• Rick candidly discusses his history with varicocele (extra veins around his left testicle), insecurities, and how he approaches romantic partners about “uneven” balls ([08:06-09:20]).

Quote:
Rick: “When I’m in a relationship or I’ve been with somebody, it’s fine. But there is a first time... I just want to let you know that my left one’s smaller.” ([08:56])

• Tom and Rick riff on ball-sucking preferences, kinks (including clamps and pressure), and sexual openness ([09:20-10:09]).

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5. Sexual Openness & Orientation Hypotheticals

• Rick jokes that if society encouraged bisexuality as openly as sushi, he might be more open to it: “I’m convinced that the only reason I’m as straight as I am is because society taught me that’s what I’m supposed to be.” ([22:03])
• They imagine scenarios (“the right environment... Chris Hemsworth...”), dabbling in group sex hypotheticals and how encouragement or context might tip curiosity ([23:29-25:04]).

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6. International Comedy Touring

• Rick details plans for his first international tour, including Fringe Festival (Scotland), London, Amsterdam, possibly Dublin or Berlin, and a day in Paris “to see if there’s any hot guys.” ([27:47-28:07])
• Tom reflects on his positive standup experiences in those cities, vouching for their comedy crowds ([28:24-29:35]).

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7. Preferences in Pornography

• A revealing exchange about what both look for in porn—Tom and Rick agree a certain “standard” is important, and that “penises smaller than theirs are gross” ([30:07-31:13]).
• Rick discusses “phoniness” in sexual performance and dancing in bed, always worrying about being “authentic” ([31:30-32:07]).

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8. Dirty Talk, Bedroom Communication & Sexual Attunement

• Rick shares his transition from small talk to more confident and connected dirty talk: "I like to find out what they like and then communicate." ([32:28-33:00])
• Tom finds it an impressive trait, remarking it’s a “resume builder” ([33:12-33:15]).
• Rick discusses the statistic that “84% of women cannot orgasm penetratively,” advocating self-acceptance and communication ([35:02-35:07]).

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9. Beauty, Standards and Self-Worth

• They joke about beauty and double standards, with Rick noting, “Ugly women, that’s mean to ugly... Like, I don’t want ugly people are ugly.” ([35:27-36:04])
• Tom observes how society handles comments about attractiveness differently for men and women, noting cultural conditioning ([36:22-36:38]).

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10. Missed Connections: The Denver Asian Woman

• Rick confesses a comedic but sincere longing for a woman he noticed at his Denver Comedy Works show (Feb 26, Thursday), prompting a call-out for viewers to help him find her ([38:54-44:02]).
• They discuss the etiquette of talking to someone after a performance and the regret in not seizing moments ([44:08-44:41]).

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11. Animal Ethics, Meat Consumption & Slaughterhouse Experiences

• Rick and Tom discuss their complicated feelings about eating meat, slaughterhouses, and animal suffering ([46:06-49:30]).
• Both express discomfort with the meat industry but admit habitual carnivory, with humorous self-loathing:
  Tom: “I almost hate how much I love it.” ([50:01-50:05])

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12. Gross/Disturbing Videos & Social Media Curation

• Tom tries watching “horrible or hilarious” videos with Rick, who resists content involving real injury or death ([50:07-53:19]).
• They debate the culture of internet curation vs. old-school “curated” media, with Rick urging for more authenticity and less shock content ([55:02-56:10]).

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13. Jewish Identity, Internet Hate & Fetishes

• Rick gets candid about how being Jewish attracts odd online comments and larger cultural associations within comedy audiences ([62:31-67:51]).
• Tom and Rick unpack the phenomenon of white Jewish men being attracted to Asian women—a recurring stereotype Rick even heard from his grandmother ([63:00-64:04]).

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14. Parental Boundaries & Gambling Stories

• The guys review a clip where a man says his dad buying him a prostitute and taking him gambling was “not loving.” Tom: “I gotta disagree...I think this kid’s a loser.” ([72:32-72:41])
• They debate the appropriateness of sharing sexual preferences with a parent, finding a limit:
  Tom: “I don’t want to know what makes my dad’s dick hard, and I don’t want to talk to him about it.” ([73:21])

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15. Family Dynamics & Viral Clip

• Rick shares his most viral video: his parents bickering about refrigerator etiquette—a microcosm for family patterns—leading to laughs and analysis of performativity in “real” moments ([77:04-79:12]).

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16. Tour Wrap-Up & Farewell

• Rick recaps his upcoming tour cities, including Austin, Cleveland, Dallas, DC, Portland, Eugene, Philly, Scotland, London, and more, including another callout for the “Denver Asian Woman” ([79:31])
• Tom and Rick sign off, blending gratitude, optimism, and more jokes about “balls” ([80:21-80:22]).

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “I'm very good at not taking other people's feelings as my responsibility.” — Rick ([05:21])
• “If people were pushing homosexuality the way they're pushing sushi, you might be a redneck.” — Rick ([22:03])
• “I'm convinced the only reason I'm as straight as I am is because society taught me that's what I'm supposed to be.” — Rick ([22:03])
• “Ugly people are ugly.” — Rick ([36:04])
• “It feels good to just penetrate and make her have an orgasm. And it feels good to do comedy works. And it feels good to book jobs. Yes, yes.” — Tom ([37:49])
• “I almost hate how much I love [meat].” — Tom ([50:01])
• “Daddy's back. Daddy just wanted to ask you a question. Do you think you're too good for Daddy or something? ...Daddy can lick it like a lollipop.” — Random video, analyzed for online thirst ([59:24])
• “If you are the hot Asian chick from Denver Comedy Works...I’ll suck a dick with you.” — Rick ([39:27])
• “I hope you have that—you make that connection that was missed and great.” — Tom ([79:55])
• Rick to the Denver woman: “Thank you for coming. I hope you had a nice time.” ([80:23])

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Intro, pre-show laughs, Tom & Rick banter – [00:01-03:00]
• Rick’s rules, shoes off, cleanliness – [03:01-05:21]
• Packing, travel habits – [06:53-07:41]
• Sexual health, varicocele story – [08:06-09:20]
• Opening clip and long intro song – [10:13-11:32]
• Impressions, comedy skills, audition stories – [16:00-20:30]
• Sexual orientation hypotheticals, Hemsworth story – [22:03-25:04]
• International comedy tour plans – [27:47-29:35]
• Pornography standards – [30:07-31:13]
• Dirty talk & emotional communication – [32:28-35:07]
• Missed connection at Denver Comedy Works – [38:54-44:41]
• Slaughterhouse & meat talk – [46:06-49:30]
• Video reaction, social media curation – [50:01-56:10]
• Jewish stereotypes, internet comments – [62:31-67:51]
• Parental boundaries & gambling – [72:32-74:07]
• Family viral clip – [77:04-79:12]
• Tour wrap-up, sign-off, Rick’s message to Denver woman – [79:31-80:23]

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Tone & Style

• Raunchy, self-deprecating, open-minded, sometimes crude
• Quick wit, riffing, inside jokes, playful but occasionally thoughtful
• Candidness about sexual and emotional insecurities
• Rick’s neuroses meet Tom’s laidback cynicism

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Final Thoughts

This episode is a characteristically wild, honest, and highly personal YMH outing. Rick Glassman’s unique blend of vulnerability and neurotic humor pairs perfectly with Tom’s steadier but equally irreverent style. Alongside the usual sexual and bodily humor, there are moments of genuine introspection on insecurity, missed opportunity, family dynamics, and why we all can’t stop eating meat—even if we know too much. And somewhere in Denver, maybe, a romantic comedy is about to begin.

Transcript

[A]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[B]

Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Christine's on the road this week. She's doing shows, stand up comedy shows. And so she's not here today but sitting in. We're very excited to have, for the first time here. You can see tickets. You can get tickets. You can see them on tour right now on the on the loose tour.

[A]

Ricky's on the loose.

[B]

Ricky's on the [e-mail] tour. It's Rick Glassman, everybody. Look at that.

[A]

Yeah, it is. It's a hot room.

[B]

It's a hot room. Dude.

[A]

We're getting some laughs beforehand.

[B]

Yeah, man, they're. They know the fucking deal.

[A]

Wow. Is that a thing, Is that a thing that you asked me?

[B]

We have pre show meetings. I'm like, you don't fucking laugh. You don't fucking work here. Yeah, see, he knows.

[A]

Are they mic'd up?

[B]

I mean, they can get, they can put the mics on. Yeah.

[A]

Put the mics on.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

What's going on, brother?

[B]

You're killing. They know. They know.

[A]

I've never met, I've never, I've never met her. And I was sad that she wasn't gonna be here today.

[B]

Yeah, she, she left this morning for, for Dallas, do gigs there. She's at. Yeah, bring it home, dude. I'm off.

[A]

Oh, I was. That was the picturing her standing up and leaning over to me and you're

[B]

just going to pinching her nipples. That's good. She liked that a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Big nipple fan. Yeah. Are you a nipple guy?

[A]

I'm a guy. I don't, I don't. I'm not saying like, hey, you want to go on a date? Let me see your nipples.

[B]

Yeah, but how about your nipples?

[A]

How about them?

[B]

Do you like them touched? Played with.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Caressed, sucked, all that stuff.

[A]

It's not something that I say, like suck my nipples, but like if they're kissing me and they suck my nipples and by they, you know, I'm talking about.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Then I'm like, oh, this is nice.

[B]

Nice.

[A]

Yeah, but it's not unnecessary. And I'm, I don't. Whatever. We get a little sexual on here.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

I feel very similar about my balls. It's nice, but I'm not, I don't need that.

[B]

You don't demand it?

[A]

No, no.

[B]

Do you have any demands?

[A]

Yeah, they don't put their phone on my bed.

[B]

Yeah. Right. And are you like, are you, you know, tie people up? Are you, are you something like that. Are you into that?

[A]

Most people that, that don't want a woman to put her. Their phone on their bed aren't also the same people that tie people up.

[B]

I don't know. I don't know that there's an actual Venn diagram for that.

[A]

I think so.

[B]

You think so? I think so. No phone on the bed. Why is no phone. Because you don't want the distraction.

[A]

Unless they're family. Does that make sense?

[B]

That does make sense.

[A]

Because of Vin Diesel?

[B]

Yep. Yeah, because of Vin Diesel. They know. What's the phone reason?

[A]

Phones are dirty as shit.

[B]

They just feel. Oh, clean.

[A]

I'm one of those people that has bed clothes, indoor clothes, outdoor clothes.

[B]

So you don't like her after the shower? I mean, after the gym, right? You take a shower.

[A]

No, that's not necessarily the case. No, I actually think that's hot. I'm not like.

[B]

Now we're getting somewhere.

[A]

That's human dirty. That's sweating. That's. That's. That's your body pheromones. Yeah. Phones are. How often do you clean your phone? I. And free plug, by the way, shout out to phone soap. Do you know phone soap? I found them on Shark Tank. You. It's a thing that you could put your phone, your keys or whatever in. You close it for 10 minutes. It's ultraviolet light.

[B]

And you got one.

[A]

Oh, I've had one for years.

[B]

And it really. Oh, what, you do it daily?

[A]

Whenever I go home, I put my phone in there. And another. Another.

[B]

Dude, that's a. That's a good.

[A]

This is a good point to make it also, I. It's locking your phone up. So I put my phone. So I put it in there. I know it's 10 minutes when you have 10 minutes away from it. I don't need it until I need it.

[B]

And this is why everyone needs Asian friends too, because you go in saying this for Asian people's homes and they're like, take your fucking shoes off you, you white ghost. And you do. And you realize it really is so sanitary. You don't want to bring the filth of the world into your home. And so many crackers just walk through their homes with their shoes on after they're out in society. And you like, you white fucking pig. You realize what this, what your floors are like now?

[A]

Why is it always like white? There's a lot of non Asian other colors.

[B]

What do you mean?

[A]

It's not. It's not just Asians and whites, but

[B]

I'm talking to the most important groups. Asians and whites fair and the. And the whites are usually. I think whites are usually the dirtiest.

[A]

Do you. You did my podcast once. It was a while ago.

[B]

It was so fun.

[A]

Do you know. Do you remember the name of my podcast?

[B]

Something.

[A]

Take your shoes off,

[B]

white guy.

[A]

Tyson.

[B]

Dude, what a moment. This is the clip.

[A]

You think so?

[B]

I don't know. It feels something.

[A]

It feels like something that sounds.

[B]

Have you been. Lifelong. Take your shoes off.

[A]

Yeah, but my family isn't.

[B]

I'll tell you another thing that I have. I'm annoyed by when somebody comes into your home, right? I just had this. Someone comes into the house and they go, do I have to take my shoes off? Like, the way they question it, like, waited. They're like, do I? And I'm like, well, I just did.

[A]

And I'm the homeowner.

[B]

Yeah. But then I go, yeah. And you could tell. They're kind of like, all right. Like, they're bothered by it. It's like, dude, you saw me do it and you just asked.

[A]

As long I'm not. If I see that you're bothered by wanting to adopt one of my rules, I'll let you deal with your bother. Really, I'm fine. I am very good at not taking other people's feelings as my responsibility.

[B]

Well, that's very evolved of you.

[A]

Thank you.

[B]

Very evolved.

[A]

Thank you. Because I know what makes me safe. Take your shoes off. I have friends that are boots guys. Maybe that's a common thing around here.

[B]

And they're like.

[A]

It's boots. Then don't. It's like. It's like. It's like the rollerblades. I don't know how tough it is

[B]

to take off a boot usually, let's be honest. White. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

There is something about a white comedian in his boots and his boots. I think boots are kind of. They're being phased out.

[B]

It's usually not a guy in his 20s.

[A]

No, no, it's a new leather jacket. It's a guy. It's a guy. Yeah. No, it's a guy. Like, they found. Oh, this makes me hot. Yeah, boots make me hot. Maybe they make me a little taller.

[B]

They give the lift for sure. Yeah. If you're five seven and you find boots.

[A]

Five seven. No, no, you're five nine when you have boots.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. They're like, hey, I'm no longer.

[A]

Yeah, you fucking white piece of shit. Fucking.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

You might.

[B]

Asshole.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. You miserable white fucking bitch. Why can't you be Chinese honky? Yeah, say something. You fucking white.

[B]

With you your fake height. Fuck you.

[A]

Yeah, well, I'm six three.

[B]

Damn. Should get some boots, dude.

[A]

You imagine I'm not into boots.

[B]

You've tried them?

[A]

I've tried them. I've done stuff where, like, I got styled for press stuff.

[B]

What's on today? You got like, sneaker? Just like regular kicks. Yeah. Oh, those are not vans.

[A]

Yeah, vans or chucks, anything. When I. When I travel, I only bring one pair of show shoes.

[B]

Right.

[A]

And I like those fold. Mm. You know, I'm saying give me something that's like those collapsible cups, that little.

[B]

Are they just for the stage?

[A]

Yes, just by. Not. Not intentionally, but like. Oh, I just keep these in my suitcase.

[B]

Two pairs.

[A]

I have my walk arounds and then your shoes.

[B]

I respect that.

[A]

Do you not travel with shoes?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You do travel shoes?

[B]

For sure. Yeah. Multiples.

[A]

Do you check a bag even if you're gone for a couple of days?

[B]

No, I check a bag. You check a bag.

[A]

Check a bag. I. I'm only thinking about this because my friend brought it up to me

[B]

today on the road.

[A]

I have my pillow, I have my shoes. Oh, you bring bathroom stuff?

[B]

Bring a pillow. Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

All right.

[A]

I'm a white piece of shit liberal cuck fucking Jew bitch. Clip it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Dude who doesn't need his balls sucked, but he likes it. Oh, Danny wants his nipples played with. Maybe it's your fucking choice.

[B]

Well, let's talk about your balls for a second. Which one do you want? Gentle or aggressive? Ball sucking?

[A]

All right, you know what? I think my magic mind just kicked in. Let's talk about it.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I have a little bit of an insecurity. I used to have an insecurity. Now I have maybe a little one.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know what a varicose seal is?

[B]

A varicose seal?

[A]

I don't even know if I'm saying it right. Varicose seal.

[B]

I don't think so.

[A]

Like, varicose veins. It's.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You have a lot of times a man traditionally on his left side, a lot of people who. Varicoseal. Is it on your left? Comment. It's extra veins around your testicle. I had that pre puberty. It does two things. One, there's more veins. So, like, it didn't give as much room for my testicle to grow. And it also could cause fertility issues because there's more blood. It's warmer down there.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I got it removed in 11th grade.

[B]

It came back.

[A]

But my left ball is significantly smaller than My right. I don't think there's a lot of women who are like, who want to hook up with me and like, I can't wait to suck his awesome perfect balls. And then they see one smaller and they go, oh. But in my head, that's what they're doing.

[B]

Sure.

[A]

So. So when they go down there and if they start with my right, I get hot. Like, don't go to my left, don't go to my left. And if they start with my left, I'm like, the right one's bigger. And. And then they never cared. So like now I'm like, I get it. And when I'm in a relationship or I've been with somebody, it's fine. But there is a first time thing where I want to say to somebody, if you suck my balls and you don't have to, I just want to let you know that my left one's smaller. It's a real thing. I'm trying to find a way to. But yeah, okay.

[B]

So pressure wise, though.

[A]

Pressure wise. The real pressure is do they think my ball's too small? Other than that is I just go, whatever. And then if it's too much, I'll

[B]

be like, ah, yeah, yeah, okay.

[A]

Yeah, I don't want it. I'm not, you know, I'm not looking for them to. Is that a thing? Do people like a lot of pressure?

[B]

I think that that's probably a thing because everything's a thing. Do you know what I mean? Everything that you can imagine is a thing.

[A]

But traditionally, people probably don't want their balls ripped on.

[B]

I don't know. I think some people probably do, actually. You? No, definitely not. But I'm saying. No, I, That's a sensitive area. I, I prefer it cut to a clip gentle. But I think, you know, I'm think. I'm just saying, I think there's people out there that are always like, I like this and it's an extreme or something.

[A]

Yeah, they're people that like clamps on their balls.

[B]

Exactly. That's my point. I just didn't know what kind of guy you were, so I was asking.

[A]

Yeah, well, thanks for checking in.

[B]

Yeah, man, it's.

[A]

Ricky's on the loose. Oh, go ahead. Are we doing more?

[B]

Let's play the opening clip. We haven't played the opening clip yet. Let's go.

[A]

Hello.

[B]

Hello there. We're to Jehovah's Witnesses.

[A]

Just sharing a thought from the Bible.

[B]

If you have a moment.

[A]

Yeah, give me two minutes. I'm just having a wank. Okay.

[B]

Who is Randy?

[A]

Don't bring anyone mother into this. Your mom in the stand. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina P. Like, it's like you changed her name out so many times.

[B]

It's always someone else.

[A]

We could have both got our balls sucked during that.

[B]

That's every time too.

[A]

Why so long?

[B]

15 years. 16 years.

[A]

And that's how long the song is.

[B]

Every for 16 years.

[A]

Oh, I thought you were saying the song is approximately 16 years.

[B]

There's a version that is.

[A]

But Jesus Christ.

[B]

Yeah, it's always that long for thousands of episodes.

[A]

Here you go. I'm giving this to you. But I am Ari Shafir.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

It's a fucking crazy night we're gonna have here. Shit's about to go down. Hello. And we're here to talk ball. This is a love story. Chlamydia, herpes, gonorrhea, aids. I'm desperate. I'll stab you in your motherfucking arm.

[B]

One of the worst things that could happen.

[A]

What's your favorite Bible verse? I'm like, I don't know.

[B]

Did you just shit your pants? It's not my shit. If you're out there, lady, don't call me.

[A]

I'm the bad guy in the story. I know that.

[B]

I'll be a better person tomorrow. At least he's consistent.

[A]

Finally something we can agree on.

[B]

I'll discuss it in heart.

[A]

It's not the evening I planned, but I'm having a blast. Now, if you'll excuse me. Martin Luther King, John F. Kennedy, Malcolm X. And now Dog pissed has the stage. All hell, dog piss. Guess what? Violent arendis a show where I do, I guess what I do best, which is complaining way too much about. That's not that important. I think all YouTubers should be jailed. An army of drunken, screaming Santa Clauses. The devil stick guy was the doctor. Shut the come along for this beautiful, disgusting, violent, horrendous journey. My new YMH show. Subscribe. Smash that like button. We're gonna be doing this every other week. This is vile and horrendous.

[B]

Hear me out. Have you ever had a thought that's so out of left field? And then no matter what you do to distract or logic your way out of it, it just keeps coming back. Here's the thing a lot of people don't know. That thought loop may actually be ocd. Not the I like things to be clean kind. Real OCD involves intrusive, unwanted thoughts that cause genuine distress along with mental or physical behaviors. You feel driven to do to get relief. And it can attach itself to anything. Your relationships, your identity, your deepest fears about who you are. But it doesn't have to be that way because OCD is highly treatable with the right kind of specialized therapy. OCD needs erp, or exposure and response prevention. And that's where NOCD comes in. NOCD is the world's largest provider of OCD treatment and is covered by insurance for over 138 million Americans. All their licensed therapists specialize in ERP and will help you learn to take the power away from intrusive thoughts through virtual sessions. If any of this sounds familiar, visit nocd.com to book a free 15 minute call. That's n o c d.com and the best part is when someone is like you and they're like going on here.

[A]

Well, it's just, you know, it's just, it's, it's long.

[B]

It's long. It is long. Yeah.

[A]

Do you ever look at the analytics and see during those moments there's some

[B]

drop off, you know, I've never looked and I'm not going to. I, I, I've, I've, I've heard people say it's so long. And then we made a 10 times longer version once.

[A]

Well, that's fun.

[B]

Yeah, that's fun. And then there's somebody who did the, well, Josh Potter did the acapella version. So he like, he did the whole.

[A]

Does he do good sound effects and stuff?

[B]

He did radio for a long time. Yeah.

[A]

Santino's good at those things.

[B]

Santino is also great at accents noises and. Yeah, yeah, yeah, he's, he really has that skill set.

[A]

You know, this is good at noises and I don't think he gets his noise credit.

[B]

Eric Griffin, does he do a lot of noises?

[A]

Yes. I don't know if like. Yeah, they would be like radio noises.

[B]

Yeah. But yeah, the Michael Winslow of an all. Like that guy. Is he alive? Is Michael Winslow alive? There was a time, I don't know how old are you?

[A]

29.

[B]

He is, he is nice. There was a time when this guy, I actually thought this was the coolest guy in the world for a couple years as a kid. Do you remember what did you watch? The police academies?

[A]

Yes, but my, and I know him in those. But my introduction to him was Spaceballs

[B]

because he's in Spaceballs too. There beeps the creeps and the leaps, man, the fucking sounds this guy would make. You're like, that's got to be a modified, you know, I mean like, in post thing, and you're like, no, it's just that he can just do those things.

[A]

As you. As a kid in the 70s, this

[B]

would have been in the 80s. Yeah.

[A]

He was a kid in the 80s. We're like, he's probably doing that in post.

[B]

Yeah. Popcorn. That's a post move.

[A]

You're just so hip.

[B]

It didn't sound, though, like. Like you were like, how could this actually be coming out of this guy?

[A]

Wasn't he on America's Got Talent a few years ago doing it? I think he had a little bit of resurgence. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. There he is. That's crazy, man.

[A]

I love sounds. I love people. People who could sing and people who do accents. It's like a magic trick to me. Like, it is. And if you could be entertaining with it, it's even better.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But, like, even if you could just, like, do the thing and it. You don't have a bit with it, I'm just like, I want to watch this.

[B]

Yeah. Somebody who could do dead on impressions, too. I mean, like, the caliendo of it all where they just totally more. Because the thing about the accent, you realize the impression. It's one thing to be able to get the. The voice down, but then if they are speaking as the person, like, the thoughts and the way that person would speak, the things they would say.

[A]

Take it on a character.

[B]

Yeah. It takes it to another level.

[A]

Do you know Amir K?

[B]

I know.

[A]

Comedian.

[B]

I know that name.

[A]

He's another one of those people that

[B]

just like, yeah, he does that stuff.

[A]

His voices and. And not just. That's what we're talking. Characters are so good. Like, he could go on stage as a character, and it's not like, oh, that's a character. It's so authentic, and it's so real. It's just like, dude, amazing.

[B]

Lots had a hair, too.

[A]

It's insane. He has a. He. He used to do a joke, and I'm confident he doesn't do it anymore. So I could say it, but, like, you always go, I'm growing my hair out for a movie. And then it's like, oh, what are you doing? He goes, I'm watching Godfather. There you go.

[B]

That's very funny. Very funny. Yeah. Yeah, that's. I love the voice thing. I love it.

[A]

Could you do anything?

[B]

Could I?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, I. I never was like, I'm gonna do the most horrifying. Like, you know how you have auditions where you're like, that was terrible. I was doing. You've never had that. I was Doing an audition for MAD tv. And they told me to prepare, like, a monologue and a character. And I did them, and they were like, great. And then they're like, what about impressions? And I was like, yeah, that wasn't part of the. Yeah.

[A]

Are you in there for it? Like, oh, you're in there. They say, do an impression.

[B]

Yeah. So, like, I did a character. I did a monologue. I did, like, what they had told me to do. And the lady's like, can you do, you know, like, an impression of someone? And I was like, oh, no. Like, that's. That's not what I'm bringing to this. And she was like, just do one. I was like, what? She was like, can you do, you know, do, like, somebody? And I was like, she's like, do, like Jack Black.

[A]

She picked.

[B]

Yeah, she picked. And I was like, jack Black. She's like, yeah, just do, like, a Jack Black impression. And I was like, oh. And I was like, you could see me going like. And I could see her being like, fuck is happening right now? I'm like, well, yeah, you just threw this at me, and I don't have this in my arsenal. And then I. I just stammered through probably the worst Jack Black impression ever. And I was like, done. And she was like, okay, like, we'll let you know. I was like, oh, man. It was humiliating.

[A]

That's funny. It'd be great to have that tape.

[B]

Oh, fuck, man. It's out there. Some probably exists for sure. All of them do. That's the thing. They all exist, man. Every fucking shit.

[A]

You've already gotten to the level to where if it was going to get leaked, they would have done it.

[B]

I mean, at this point also, I would be like, just fucking. Who cares, right? Like, leak it. I don't.

[A]

When I first moved to la, I was asked to do an SNL reel because that's. That's the thing that everybody does. And, like, that's not. I don't do same. I don't do, like. I'll do original characters. I can't do impressions or anything. And then she said, just put. A manager at the time said, just put a reel together. And I remember I put a reel together. I still have it. I've cut to it my podcast before. I have it somewhere. But I literally did Will Smith.

[B]

Will Smith.

[A]

Jada Pinkett Smith. I did Edward Norton.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

You know, just things that, like, so random. Yeah. And I thought maybe, like, the joke

[B]

would just be, these are.

[A]

But even then, I was still trying to do it. I don't know. What do you. You. You know. I don't know.

[B]

Well, that's the thing about when I. I've talked to people who do, like, a lot of impressions, and they usually say, you know, like, immediately when you have one. Like, if, you know. I mean, if you go, like, do Al Pacino. If they. If you can do it, you just.

[A]

Everyone could do a little Al Pacino.

[B]

Everyone could do a little.

[A]

Let me hear your Al Pacino.

[B]

She's got a great ass. Yeah, yeah, that. That whole thing. Yeah.

[A]

Just done that, you would have been on my TV today.

[B]

I've been like, yeah, I got Pacino down. But everyone. They say that, like, you just have them in your. Like, you can just do them or you can't.

[A]

They say a lot of. And I don't. I don't want to speak for the entire homosexual community.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I do know most of them. They know at a certain point, usually around when you could, like, if you're gonna bottom around. No, just if you're homosexual.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

So similar time, like, you'll know by. I'm making this number up, but let's say 14. If you could do impressions and if you're homosexual, doesn't mean you can't do impressions later. It doesn't mean you can't later. Well, yeah, you might be bi.

[B]

Do you watch or do you scroll a lot on Instagram? Are you, like, looking at reels?

[A]

Unfortunately, unless I put it in the phone soap, then it's not.

[B]

Yeah. Then it's doing its own thing. When I just saw this guy who was like, yeah, man. He was just. He's like, yeah, I'm mostly straight, and I got a little, you know, a little of the other side in me, too. And he's doing this interview, and he's with a girl. And the girl's like, yeah, totally. And I'm like, wait, where is he going with this? He's like, you know, like, I mostly like chicks, but, like, yeah, I've done some gay stuff. You know? And she's like, yeah. And then you figured out whether it's for you or not. He's like, exactly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I kind of like it, but I like the other stuff, too. And I was like, I don't. I don't think that.

[A]

Dude that's such a hypocrite. That's exactly like you with Pacino. You don't do impressions. No, but, like, a little bit, you can. You play with it and you realize, oh, I don't want to be on Mad tv. But you're still a little gay, right?

[B]

And, like, I feel like you're like, I date women, but yeah, I mean, whatever. I give some hand jobs every once in a while. I don't know.

[A]

I'm convinced as a straight man. I'm convinced that the only reason I'm. The only reason I'm as straight as I am is because society taught me that's what I'm supposed to be. I think if everyone was sucking in fucking dicks and jerking off dicks a little bit, I would. There's. There's. I would, like. I don't know. I'm not craving it necessarily, but, like, yeah, I don't know. Like. Like, I don't love sushi, but it's good for my body. Like, I said, fish. When I eat fish, I could tell, like, sometimes I'll eat. I'll eat it, but, like, I'll drink water as I'm chewing and swallowing it. Yeah, I don't want it. But, like, whatever. It's good for you. Everyone's. If people were pushing homosexuality the way they're pushing sushi, you might be a redneck. We'll be right back afterwards from our spot.

[B]

I feel like you could get talked into some shit after that speech. I really do.

[A]

I don't think so, because I Honestly, I'm just being honest. I think the right environment.

[B]

The right environment.

[A]

All right, here's. I've thought about this.

[B]

Say Bart's. You're at the. You're at the Club Eden or whatever.

[A]

Dude, I don't have your kind of money.

[B]

I don't even.

[A]

I just go to regular Bart's. I go to Bart Simpson. Keep it.

[B]

But you're. You're hanging out there. There's a rave going on, and there's these cool French dudes who are like, rick, you know, shirts are open. You guys are having shots. No, they're hugging.

[A]

No, the accent turns me off. The French accent on men turn me off.

[B]

Okay, let's make the accent you like, then.

[A]

All right, let's make it a Hemsworth. Let's make it Chris Hemsworth.

[B]

Chris Hemsworth with his Aussie accent.

[A]

Yes. And it's Cribs Hemsworth in a different world.

[B]

And you're doing. What are you doing? Overhead, like, single press.

[A]

No, no, no, no. I already know what the situation is, okay? It's. It's Chris Hemsworth. There's a woman that I'm so attracted to. It's a beautiful woman.

[B]

Uhhuh.

[A]

And, like. And like, we're like, blah, Blah, blah, blah. And then. And then Chris Hemsworth is there, and they're like, oh, Then they start fooling around and like, hey, Rick, come on in here. And then like, maybe I've never done this, but, like, it's Chris Hemsworth. Right? So now I'm with her. He's with her. I'm just looking at him saying, like, you know, stuff like this.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And then like, this is gratuitous. I haven't. I don't know for sure, but let's say she goes, I want to. I want two cocks inside of my pussy at the same time.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

You know.

[A]

You know these Aussie women.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

They're crazy sluts. Yeah. They're usually have their shoes on, too, the white ones. I'm like, my dick's touching his dick. Would I say no to it? Probably. But I also might just say, probably because it's like two dicks in one.

[B]

Like, you're in a vagina together.

[A]

Yeah, I don't need to, like.

[B]

And also, here's the thing. Don't you feel like her encouragement plays a role in this? Like, what if she's like, this is so hot.

[A]

If she goes, no, no, no, I'm not turned on.

[B]

Right, Right.

[A]

Yeah. So I'm thinking like.

[B]

And then.

[A]

And then once you do that. Oh, dickster shows. I'm like, oh, look it, I didn't melt.

[B]

Yeah, exactly.

[A]

Let me suck his fucking dick. You know, in a different world.

[B]

In a whole other world.

[A]

In a whole other world, like, let's

[B]

say, like, you're in Brisbane or something.

[A]

I'm in Brisbane. Okay. And let's say. Let's say I'm going down on her. And she's beautiful. And by the way, more importantly, she's funny.

[B]

She's very funny. Okay. Yeah.

[A]

And she's like. And then she's like, chris, fuck me.

[B]

Well.

[A]

And like, I'm down, like. And I'm on her clitoris and she's right.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Would I pull up? Would I stop? I think so. But, like, what if they didn't tell me?

[B]

I'm like, oh, what if he's like, I need a little help? I'm getting.

[A]

Let me suck your fucking dick. Come on my. Come on my podcast. Get on my face. Eleanor Roosevelt.

[B]

Yeah, dude, that's a fucking great scene.

[A]

Maybe. Maybe.

[B]

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[A]

I do think though.

[B]

Are you touring Australia?

[A]

Not yet, but I am torn to this.

[B]

You are.

[A]

I'm touring. I'm doing my first out of the country tour though where I'm doing. I'm doing the Fringe Festival.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And in Scotland Then I'm doing a week in London, and then I'm. I'm deciding between. I'm gonna do Amsterdam and then either Dublin or Berlin. And I might do a day in Paris, see if there's any hot guys.

[B]

Bro, that's a great tour.

[A]

I'm gonna lose so much money.

[B]

Or Berlin. Yes, they're both fantastic.

[A]

I have eight days between Scotland and London, and I don't think I want to do more than two places. And I want to do Amsterdam. I've never been to Amsterdam.

[B]

Are you doing a show?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Great comedy crowds. I would say, having done all those cities for stand up, you can't go wrong. Dublin audiences are amazing and so is. Berlin's a great comedy town. Really?

[A]

That's what I hear. I was surprised to hear that. Not that. I mean, I had no idea. I just feel like I know people speak English kind of in Ireland.

[B]

Yeah, they're pretty good at English.

[A]

I can't understand them, but they'll understand me.

[B]

Oh, yeah, you'll definitely. You're not. It'll be different if you go to Scotland.

[A]

Is it harder to understand the Scots? I dated a Scott.

[B]

Yeah, for sure.

[A]

That was my first homosexual experience.

[B]

Hell, yeah. His name was okay.

[A]

Yeah. When I watch movies that take place in Ireland, I need subtitles.

[B]

Well, there's other, like, just like here in the States, there's degrees of the accent, you know, outside in. In, like, smaller towns, you're going to have stronger accents. I think that Northern Ireland accent stronger than it is in Dublin. I think the Scots, for the most part, have a stronger accent than the Irish.

[A]

And Berlin, a lot of English speakers. That's. I think the whole thing is probably right.

[B]

Bilingual. Yeah. Everyone.

[A]

Everyone's so smart.

[B]

Yeah. They speak great English. You'll have. And references, everything.

[A]

Maybe do all of them. It's just, you know, I'm treating this like a vacation, too. I don't want to just do that.

[B]

Extend it, fucking just do more. Yeah. And Paris, by the way, from London. So easy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I. A girlfriend of mine, I used to have lived in London and I was there for years all the time.

[B]

Oh, you were.

[A]

All the time. Oh, and I love it. Love being there. And the Paris trains. Easy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm excited.

[B]

It's going to be awesome, dude.

[A]

Anyway, I would. I would think I would suck some dick maybe, or if that was what the world was, because, like, I don't want, like, whatever, there's a dick.

[B]

Right? Like, are you.

[A]

It's another thing to say, not grossed out by dick.

[B]

If we were, if we were living in, I don't know, Dublin. Dublin or like in, in Greece and it's fucking 2,000 years ago and they're like, yeah, everybody. It's not like you would have your mind of today in that world.

[A]

All I'm saying is I'm open to the fact that if, if I was. Yes. If we were in a different world. Maybe I do know when I watch pornography, I want there to be a penis.

[B]

Yeah, same. I don't like lesbian porn. And I also, here's the truth. I don't want some mediocre dick in there. That's the biggest bummer when you're like, that looks like my dick. The fuck's that guy?

[A]

If the guy's body isn't at least decent, yeah, that's fine, don't show it. But if his penis isn't at least as big as mine, yeah, then what

[B]

are we doing here?

[A]

Yeah, it's gross. I think penises, I think everybody could agree that if there's a penis that's significantly smaller than theirs, it's gross and

[B]

it doesn't belong on camera. That person doesn't deserve to work.

[A]

That's another thing you have to figure, why is there, why are there 6 inch penises in porn? Porn. Unless it's, unless it's somebody like making homemade stuff.

[B]

Right, right, right. Yeah, but like at the pro level or this is like a studio or whatever is putting it out, you're like, bro, bring in some hammers. Yeah, that's why we all signed up for this.

[A]

Yeah. Mugsy Bogues of pornography, you know, I'm sure it exists. Yeah, but maybe he does this with his hips.

[B]

Good hip movement.

[A]

That's a real thing.

[B]

That's a real thing.

[A]

I in intuitively, I, I remember like just out of college, I remember like, oh, I think you're supposed to go like this. Like, you know, and, and, and it's still when I have sex and I do it like that. And sometimes I think to myself, you fucking phony.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, it's just, you fucking phony. It's something like, to actually like, you know, to do it like one of those, like a hot black guy or something. It's like, I get it. You don't have to just go like this. Yeah, but like, to actually be like, you know, you're listening to like, I don't know, Jamar Aquay, a singer, but like, you know, you're listening to, you

[B]

know, your yoga movement. Sex is like.

[A]

Yeah, I don't know. I just feel like they know I'm doing this for them.

[B]

I know, you just. Yeah, go ahead, go back to your old. In, out. In, out.

[A]

Well, there's, there's a. There's a spectrum.

[B]

There is.

[A]

Yeah. You don't have to just, you know. Yeah.

[B]

You don't have to just do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

My, my unique selling point in the bedroom, I think is the, the connection, the vocalization.

[B]

Vocalization, yeah. Things you say or sounds you make.

[A]

The things I say, the sounds I make. I guess they're both a funny thing to bring up, but the sound. No, women love the way I go, you know?

[B]

They like your grind.

[A]

No, like the talk, the talking.

[B]

Like you like to. Okay.

[A]

I like to find out what they like and then like I like to communicate.

[B]

Are you okay? That's great.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. So you're a big. You like that? You're one of those.

[A]

That's not real. That's a. How you doing? How was your weekend? That's. That's small talk. Ok. Small talk, dirty talk.

[B]

You're talking about really more pointed questions.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're checking in a lot.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, God, this is like a really good resume builder for you, I think.

[A]

You know, it's interesting. I've been talking about a bit of this in my act at the moment, it was like a two minute thing. It's become a little longer, but just where. From where, like before I ever had my first kiss to like where I am now and like the things I've learned in talking to people and it's like, it's really a lot more intuitive than you would think.

[B]

What's more intuitive? All of it.

[A]

Like, I like. I know a lot of people don't like dirty talk. They feel embarrassed about dirty talk.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Are you a dirty talk guy?

[B]

I like it. Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. But dirty talk is just like. Let me rephrase. I happen to like dirty talk a lot. If it's not small talk, dirty talk. So do you like. That is not dirty talk to me.

[B]

Okay, what's. What's an example of dirty talk?

[A]

I. I want you to, you know, not these words because that's personal and like it's very much in the moment. But the, the exposition is I don't want a finger inside of my butt, but I want you to press on my. My press on it?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

And like having a way of doing that to where it's not. Like, do you. Would you think it's gross if you put your finger on my butt A little yeah, but like being able to, like when you're having dirty talk, like you put your finger, you know, like confidently do it.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I think of it like if you wanted to put your, your finger in my mouth, but my teeth are closed, but you're pushing around like the lips, but like, that's a vulnerable thing to say to somebody.

[B]

Totally.

[A]

If it's not dirty talk. I think, I think you're right.

[B]

I think you're right, man. Yeah. Look at you. Look how far you've come since your first kiss.

[A]

I know.

[B]

Yeah. I feel like you could start your own video line of how to teach people how to do this stuff. It's good.

[A]

That's a great idea. What if I. For my merch, I had a book on if you're neurotic and you want to. Confidently.

[B]

Yeah. This is your. You can sell.

[A]

I'm being serious.

[B]

I'm being serious too.

[A]

And just talk about the body. Talk about the G spot is how it works.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Do you know that. That 84 of women cannot orgasm penetratively?

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. Cut yourself some slack.

[B]

84. 84, that's accurate number.

[A]

If, if you're a woman and, and, and you're beautiful, put in the comments if you could orgasm penetratively.

[B]

Yeah. Most need something else.

[A]

Yeah. And if you're, if you're not beautiful, you could also comment.

[B]

Yeah. If you're like, I'm kind of a pig, but yeah, I feel like commenting too.

[A]

Why is that? Even though we're not even talking about a real person.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why is it. And I know how that's received and it's fine, but that isn't like a jerk thing. Like if you're an ugly woman. Like, ugly. Ugly people are ugly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But there is something like I clock myself and I don't need to censor, but like ugly women, that's mean to ugly. Like, I don't want.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know what I'm saying?

[B]

Because we're, we're kind of conditioned to especially be. I mean, I think kind across the board, but there's a more of a sensitivity to saying it about a woman. Like for a guy. Guy can like own, but like, I'm not good looking, but I got, you know, he can have the personality. Everyone's like, yeah, he's not the most handsome guy, but he's the fucking best.

[A]

Women can have that.

[B]

Yeah. It's, it's less celebrated.

[A]

And I agree. I agree. But like we were talking about like, yeah, if you're a fudgeing ugly dude. With a little fudgeing dick. I don't want to jerk off to you, you fudgeing loser. Yeah, but, you know, if you're an ugly woman, you don't have to let me know if you come penetratively. I'm sorry you're ugly. You could tell me.

[B]

It's weird. Yeah, we.

[A]

We.

[B]

I think it's all. Has to do with just all having mothers, honestly, because everybody has, like, a special way they, you know, tenderly care for that maternal aspect, and I think it carries into other relationships. So we just are more gentle about women.

[A]

Whether you're fat or you're hot or you're skinny or you're fat and pretty.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Let me know if you could come penetratively.

[B]

Let us know. You can come penetratively. Yes. Yeah. And. And let us know what would help. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I think it's important to ask those questions.

[B]

And there's. There's those unicorns out there that penetrate, and they're just in. In it. They're just. All right, here we go. I can come in two seconds. Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

They make you feel good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's like. It's like playing comedy works in Denver.

[B]

It's exactly. That's exactly.

[A]

Look what I did. Well, yes.

[B]

But you know where you are. Anybody could do that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're like, oh, really?

[A]

That's a realization I had on my first acting job. It was a show called Undateables. Like, a first where I was, like, a series regular. It was a sitcom, and I'm doing it. I'm like, oh, anybody. At least my part of it, like, oh, anybody could do this. And, like, it made me realize how much more, like, what a lottery ticket it is to win. Like, to get something. Like. Like to have an ego when you're doing something.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For 99.9% of actors, like, now, fudgeing. I'm like, any. So many people could do what we're doing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But it's still. It feels good.

[B]

It feels good. It feels good to just penetrate and make her have an orgasm. And it feels good to do comedy works. And it feels good to book jobs. Yes, yes.

[A]

The trifecta.

[B]

The comedy works thing, too. It's like you. The first time you do it, you're like, they. This crowd gets it. They're good. Then you leave, and you're like, the fuck just happened? And then you think about the fact that there's people that have started at that club and probably worked there all the time, and you're like, dude, you got to get out of here. This is bad.

[A]

This is too, like, the opposite of working out in extra gravity.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

[A]

You know what? I'm going to say something about Denver Comedy Works that I've never talked about. I was there for the first time, like, a month and a half ago. I did five shows. They were amazing. The first show, I'm on stage, you know, there's people to the left of you, like, where you walk on, and there's like. Like, you can't really.

[B]

They're almost on stage.

[A]

Yeah, but it's not lit. It's so well done.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

They're right there. I got off stage and maybe the most beautiful woman. One of the. Without a doubt, one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen. Asian sitting fires.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I didn't look at her feet. I was too busy staring into her heart.

[B]

Yeah, she's here.

[A]

There's two seats in between her and another guy, but they're in the same row. And it also makes sense because the seats were like. Maybe they just. Like. If we're on a plane and. I'm sorry, if we're flying coach and there's two of us, you don't sit in the middle.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Was that what they were doing? So I didn't know if they were together or not. And I didn't have enough time to think and say, like, are you with this person? I just wanted to say, like, you know, and I just walked past her, and I haven't stopped thinking about her. I have. I don't know who it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I've never done this with anything, ever. Missed connection. If you're the hot Asian chick from Denver, Comedy Works. I don't know. I don't know. I don't even know.

[B]

We.

[A]

I'll suck a dick with you.

[B]

We can. I think we can make this happen. We have to pinpoint. We have to.

[A]

It was a Thursday show. It was the first show.

[B]

All right, so listen, first of all, there's a good amount of people in Denver that have that watch or listen to this show. So you're. We got. We got somebody. Somebody who is listening or watching. Goes to Comedy works all the time.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

And somebody who was listening or watching was at the Thursday show.

[A]

Right at the date. Do I give a date?

[B]

If you can give the date, I think it's definitely better. Yes. I think it. I think we could make this happen.

[A]

Okay. Keep going what you're doing.

[B]

So if you are in Denver and you're. You're like, man, Yes, I saw. Or even if you know, that your friend went to see Rick or goes to Comedy Works.

[A]

February 26th. Thursday.

[B]

It was a Thursday. It was February 26th. Downtown Denver. It was probably a little chilly, right?

[A]

I was perfect. It was a perfect night.

[B]

It was a perfect night.

[A]

It was a perfect night.

[B]

Perfect night in the most perfect Asian. And somebody goes, oh, that's my friend. You know, that's my friend Annie.

[A]

Or whatever.

[B]

They know.

[A]

Yeah, it's not Annie.

[B]

They, it could be, could be Kim.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Better Annie Kim. Somebody knows Annie Kim. And you know, I mean, this is maybe not the most politically correct way of asking this, what kind of Asian it was.

[A]

No one knows. No one knows?

[B]

No. You didn't get Thai or Filipino or Korean vibes or anything?

[A]

I, I, I, I wouldn't, I'm not good at that. I could tell if I look at the, the written word.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

And the reason is because I play Magic the Gathering. And when I was coming up, there's a lot of different types of Asian magic cards and you could tell what it was.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Have you been to Asia at all? Have you traveled to Asia?

[A]

No.

[B]

God, it's amazing. I waited so long. I didn't do it for so long, but now I've been a few times.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And there's so much I have not explored yet, but holy shit, is that part of the world. Incredible.

[A]

The closest I've ever been was on February 26th. I was one Asian.

[B]

You almost went Asian.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you still think of this woman?

[A]

I think it's, you know, make this happen. A big reason I think of it was because I'm usually somebody that like speaks for. Speaks up.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm not even talking, like in a romantic situation, just like, hey, I'm bringing my dog. Is it okay if I do this? I do, I want it. Like, I'll just ask and then you could say, you know, I'll, you know, set your boundaries. So what I'm really holding on to is like the regret of like, why didn't I say something?

[B]

I know what you mean.

[A]

And I think I foolishly thought, like, oh, I'll see her after, like maybe like on the walk out or like the meet and greet or something. I don't know, I, I kicked the can down the road.

[B]

You didn't make a comment about her during the show?

[A]

I didn't see her until my walk out. That's what I was saying. Cuz it's dark, so I'm walking. I just got off stage.

[B]

Oh, I see.

[A]

And it was a great show. It's fucking. Comedy works, baby.

[B]

It's the best.

[A]

And I walk off stage and I literally. I was taken aback. You're like, yeah, I might have. And if you go to tons of Thursday shows and you forgot which one I was, it was the one that when he walked past you, he went like this. I couldn't believe.

[B]

She wearing. Do you remember?

[A]

No, I'm remembering a memory.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

And.

[B]

And long straight hair, even.

[A]

And I thought to myself afterwards, like, why didn't I. It's not like even I need to go on a date with her. I just. Why did it? Because the reason I didn't talk to her, I was because I thought, oh, maybe she's with this person. And I realized what I could have said. I could have said, I'm gonna walk out looking like, if she's here and you're him.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hi. I'm so sorry. If you two are together, you're so beautiful, and I just wanted it, like, if you guys aren't, you know, like something like, there.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Oh, we're together. Congratulations. This is wonderful. I'd love to give you both a sweatshirt for free.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Would you have. If you had seen her? You know, because sometimes you're. When you're on that stage, you can see front row stuff. If she. If she had been. Would you have addressed it? Would you have been like, excuse me, miss?

[A]

Not at the expense of the act, if that makes sense.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

But yes, probably. There's a level of confidence up there. But also, I'm not somebody and I'm not meaning to sell. I guess maybe I'm selling something. I guess that's my intention. But, like, I don't hook up with people after shows, you know, like, not that the people are throwing themselves at me, but, like, there's a confidence of me, like, flirting with people on stage sometimes. And then if they come up to me after, I love it. That's great. I love the idea of this, but, like, that's probably not. That's not a thing that, you know.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But with this person, I would have been like, I would love to have, you know, gone out to eat.

[B]

Yeah. Got to know her. Yeah.

[A]

I. I can't. She was. And I said. I said to my friends who are

[B]

on the show to ignore your left ball or something.

[A]

Yeah. Also ignore this episode other than just the part where I'm reaching out to you.

[B]

Yeah. Don't listen to the rest. Just this part.

[A]

But like I said. I said, did you see To My friend who. And I didn't even finish, he goes, the girl in the back, when you're walking out, I go, oh, my God. He goes, oh, my God.

[B]

Oh, so this is a.

[A]

Also, why was she there? What were you doing?

[B]

What if she's a. What if. What if she's the one watching right now and she's like, I'm a huge Rick fan and she's the one that

[A]

reaches out, you know, I love what I do. I really do. I think it's worth coming to a show I. I really love what I'm doing when I find it hard to believe that just a beautiful woman is coming there by herself to see me.

[B]

It's possible. It's possible she could also be mentally ill. You know,

[A]

statistically, it's possible, yes. But I don't think people that. Yeah, I don't know.

[B]

She could be severely mentally ill, but it doesn't matter.

[A]

What does that look like to you? Like what. What do you mean when you say severely? What? In a cartoon sense, but still.

[B]

Well, a fucking demon person. Like, she mean. Oh, yeah. She could be an awful, diabolical, just cruel narcissist. You don't know this.

[A]

Do diabolical, cruel people go to a comedy show alone?

[B]

I mean, it's not unheard of. Maybe that's her thing, is that she goes and, I don't know, she peruses the club for targets. You don't know. You don't know. It's all in your head right now. It's. Everything's possible. She could also be an angel. I'm just saying this person could be one of many things we don't know.

[A]

Well, if you were interested in me and I walked past you, let me just say, I'm so sorry that I didn't say hello. Yes. But that was me. Yeah, that's just a little bit like speaking each other's language. You.

[B]

Do you. Because I saw your dog. Cute little dog. Thank you. Are you a big fan of animals in general? Are you an animal guy?

[A]

Not enough to be a vegetarian, but enough to where? Like, I go meatless some days.

[B]

Oh, that plays a role in it, yeah. Wow.

[A]

Yeah, I just. They're so. You know, there's.

[B]

You ever been to a slaughterhouse?

[A]

Yeah, the Denver end of February, but no, I've seen videos.

[B]

Yeah. It's awful. I went to one.

[A]

You're probably fine with it, though. You have a. You live a man life.

[B]

I mean, I. It didn't stop me from eating. Me. Yeah.

[A]

You hunt. You have hunted, right?

[B]

The Only time I went hunting, I was 16. I haven't hunted since in a long time.

[A]

What stopped you? Did something happen?

[B]

No, I was, I was friends. I was in Florida. There's a bunch of rednecks and they're like, you want to come hunting? And it wasn't like, it wasn't the type where I have friends who like, I'm going out on a hunt and they go into the mountains or the woods and it's like a three day thing where they're, you know, tracking an animal and then they, they use an arrow or a rifle and they dress it and they bring it all back. Like it wasn't like that. This was just like, I, I don't know how many acres in Florida. And we were out on a hunting buggy and the guy had like a 271 rifle shooting hogs like wild hogs.

[A]

Oh, is on a buggy. Isn't that kind of cheating and evil?

[B]

I don't, I wouldn't know.

[A]

Just like on a picture on a golf cart. You're shooting golfers?

[B]

No, it's like an elevated picture. Like five foot tires and the vehicle has an exposed top. Like there's no doors on it. So everything's exposed. Yeah.

[A]

Do you guys kill? Like slaughter the animal and eat it and stuff?

[B]

In that one they, they did, but I have friends that, that's how, that's how they eat. That's what they do is they just hunt and eat what they kill. Which I think is a very respectable thing to do, you know, as like you can go to the supermarket or you can be like, I hunted this and I'm eating it.

[A]

So yeah, I think it's a bit of a bummer how easy meat is, so how, how farmed it is.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I'm not educated in this at all other than videos. I've seen enough that it really turns me off.

[B]

It's awful. It's awful. Now I went to the, I went to that slaughterhouse also. I was like, comedy works. I was like 14, I was pretty young man. And they took me to this slaughterhouse which was very gross.

[A]

Did it scare you?

[B]

It was, it was, it made me like, it's not fun to see how it's done.

[A]

Yeah, I think that's cool. I think that should be something that everyone at least watches a video. I feel like if you're gonna, if you're gonna work in a restaurant anywhere, you should at least be a host for a couple of months.

[B]

And here's the thing, I think if you had the option, if you're like, what would you rather like, if you go, I need to have. I need to eat meat. And you had the option of going slaughterhouse or go hunting, you'd probably feel better about yourself. Going hunting.

[A]

That's an interesting. I don't know. That's interesting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Because, well, hunter. Are you saying slaughterhouse? Yeah. Fair. If you're killing. I thought you were saying, like, after the animals killed, to watch it being butchered, I think would be easier.

[B]

No, the. The butchering parts, fine. I'm saying that, like, at a slaughterhouse, it's like.

[A]

Yeah, concentration camp.

[B]

It's a camp. And then that, you know, they walk them in and, like, fucking thing goes right in the head and then pulled up by their leg.

[A]

It's not some of the lives that they live before that. And, you know, veal is just baby cows and they're being held up by their legs so they don't get fat. Strong.

[B]

Fuck, man.

[A]

It's just so, like, there's a lot of meats I don't eat, but I haven't gone completely meatless.

[B]

I know it's crazy. And then this is the thing. It does. It does affect me, and it makes me, like, go like, I don't like this. I'll still eat meat today, you know?

[A]

Yeah. But, like, like, this. I hate that.

[B]

Yeah. I don't like that this fucking happened. I'll just eat it.

[A]

But that is how it is sometimes. Like, sometimes, like, sometimes it'll just happen, like, oh, I can't have meat now because it's, like, the way my mind is. But then that. That'll kind of happen once I've already, like, made the food.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then I'm like, I have the food. So I'm like, I hate that this happened. But, like, they got it. I gotta eat it.

[B]

I know, I know, dude.

[A]

It's good throwing away meat. That's. That one's tough for me.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Just thinking about, like, the animal that. It's like, I thought I was gonna eat you, but I didn't. Sorry.

[B]

I almost hate how much I love it. Do you know what I mean?

[A]

How much you love meat?

[B]

God, yeah.

[A]

It's. It's in our DNA.

[B]

I know. I just fucking love it. I don't fuck with snakes, though. Like, this shit. These guys that are willing to, like, fuck around and then see, then real quick bite to the thumb.

[A]

Wait, is that really a dead person?

[B]

Not yet.

[A]

Does he die?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why are we showing this? I don't want to watch this. I know you do this stuff. I don't want to watch this.

[B]

What do you mean, this stuff?

[A]

This stuff.

[B]

I've never seen this before.

[A]

This kind of stuff. We're watching somebody die. Dying from a.

[B]

What are you talking about?

[A]

What does that say?

[B]

You can read that language, can't you? I thought you said you.

[A]

Oh, it's not. He's not really dead.

[B]

No, it's okay.

[A]

It says he's not really dead.

[B]

It's not. He's not dead.

[A]

He defanged him and it was all dead.

[B]

He's fucking fine, dude.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Jesus Christ. Sometimes you just have to see something different, you know? Like. That's just a calf massage. He's just getting his calf massage.

[A]

Oh, dude. I get that way sometimes on my calves. I do. I don't know why. I get massages constantly. And I love it hard. Sometimes I'm not like that, but sometimes on the calf I'm like, ah, yeah.

[B]

Take it easy.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This. This angle too, of that. This contraption for fixing ankles is crazy.

[A]

Not even look at it.

[B]

Why?

[A]

You know, I've never. I talked about this maybe on a podcast recently. I don't remember how it came up, but just. I never saw your dunk. I never watched the video. I won't watch the video. Like, I don't want to see that stuff. Bad.

[B]

It's bad.

[A]

I don't like that kind of stuff.

[B]

I hear you. I hear you. Hold on. All right, how about this stuff here? Wait a minute. How about this? This is. This is like. No, no, this is going to be funny. It might not be, but it also might be. It's a. I haven't seen any of these videos. They gather. They gather a bank of videos every week.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they give me. In this. In this specific folder, and it's either horrible where you go, that wasn't good. Or it's very, very fun. Horrible or hilarious. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, it's actually so not gonna watch.

[B]

That wasn't not too bad.

[A]

Someone jumping off a high thing.

[B]

No, he's like. He fell off a cliff but into the water.

[A]

Okay. We could watch it again.

[B]

You wanna see it? Okay. It's not that bad.

[A]

You're not fucking with me.

[B]

No, it's not. He just slips and then he goes back and then he.

[A]

That's. Yeah, that's okay. That's okay. But that's more than just falling into the water.

[B]

It's a. He bounced off some rocks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay. Okay. You know, so was that horrible?

[A]

I can handle that.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I think he's okay.

[B]

I have to say I don't know how the rest of these will be, but I think maybe they'll be okay. How about this one? This is at a factory. Yeah.

[A]

I don't like watching people get hurt.

[B]

He's okay. He's okay. He's okay.

[A]

I look over and he's sandwiched between these boulders going, yeah, he's all right, though. Yeah.

[B]

That guy's not dead.

[A]

Why don't we. Why don't we show some of the other stuff that you do that's just kind of, like, weird and gross and like.

[B]

How about this one?

[A]

No, these are people getting injured.

[B]

We don't know that yet. He's not all right. He's not dead, buddy.

[A]

Why. Why is this stuff that people consume?

[B]

I don't know.

[A]

All right, let's.

[B]

All right, okay. All right. Okay. How about this?

[A]

Let's just talk about your balls.

[B]

How about this? How about.

[A]

This is for the audience.

[B]

No, this is different.

[A]

No, how do you know? You said you haven't seen any of them.

[B]

I can see the fucking description. This isn't one of the horrible ones. I promise.

[A]

I need you to know something about me. If you're lying now and the stakes seem small to you, I'll never look at you the same.

[B]

I promise. It's not. I promise. I promise. Okay. I promise. This is not someone getting hurt or in any way whatsoever. Promise.

[A]

Did he send that? Did you. Did you film that?

[B]

That's me. Yeah.

[A]

Oh, I thought that was Bert. Yeah, see that I can.

[B]

I didn't lie to you.

[A]

That I can handle. But. But also, where. Where in, like, who are they selling that to? You know, if that were a show, what. What network do you go to? Why is that a thing that you even. People find to send you this? Yeah, who gives a.

[B]

What do. I don't understand what you're saying.

[A]

Why is that on the Internet? What are you showing me?

[B]

Because guys, like, he's a feeder, and there's guys that are aroused by how big his belly's gotten.

[A]

What's a feeder mean?

[B]

That his whole thing is, like, to gain weight. And people get off by him gaining his weight.

[A]

It's interesting. It looks like. Like his face isn't as. Like his belly looks like it's different than his. The rest of the body.

[B]

I agree. That's just the way he's.

[A]

And that's a kink. That's a sexual kink.

[B]

Absolutely. Yeah.

[A]

And because they're attracted to that kind of belly, or they're attracted to feeding somebody while they're having sex?

[B]

No, not. I don't think it's during sex. It's just. They like that. This. That they're. This guy probably has a thing where people are sending him money and then they're like, eat more. And then keep gaining weight, and they like how round he's getting. They like it.

[A]

All right.

[B]

I'm making sure that anything I show you here doesn't have an injury.

[A]

Eat more. You know, like, that's. That's a job.

[B]

Yeah, Yeah. I don't know if.

[A]

Well, just. Yeah, I don't mean stuff too. I don't like. Like, I see these pranks. Listen, listen, whatever. I just don't. You ever see these people that do pranks and they go to supermarkets and they, like, throw stuff at people and they.

[B]

Yeah, I don't like that.

[A]

What do you do?

[B]

I don't like that.

[A]

I just don't find it entertaining.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. I don't do nice shit. And also, when people do videos that they say, wait for it, because they know that the first 20 seconds isn't worth it.

[B]

It's like, cut out the 20.

[A]

Cut out the 20. And if it doesn't work without it, go back to the writers room, you fucking cock. Everybody has a stage now, and we're seeing this. Show me something that I don't. I don't watch Home Alone. Home Alone. The end of Home Alone is by far the best. Right?

[B]

End of Home Alone.

[A]

Yes. Same with 8 mile. We love the end.

[B]

I've never seen 8 mile.

[A]

Okay, so the end of it. I could watch the end a million times, but the foreplay is the movie. It's. You remember Home Alone?

[B]

Of course.

[A]

Sticky Bandits, come in now. It's go time.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

If somebody said watch Home Alone, but you have to wait for it. The first hour doesn't matter. I'd be like, I'm not watching it.

[B]

I agree. Yes. I agree.

[A]

That was when things were curated.

[B]

And now you feel like they're not curated.

[A]

Me. But you're curating the uncurated.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

I never watched these. I don't know if these are good,

[B]

but don't you think we're giving a voice to people that deserve it?

[A]

I don't know, but I know we're giving a voice to a lot of people that don't.

[B]

That's true.

[A]

And we're creating. We're creating a demand for stuff that it's gonna feed itself. All right.

[B]

I'm gonna show you kindness.

[A]

Show me kindness. Show me the guy that goes around England and giving Old people, flowers.

[B]

We don't have anything like that. But I'll give you a few that have no injuries or cruelty.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Okay. And then you tell me.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

If any of these resonate with you.

[A]

Okay, Fair.

[B]

All right, here's. I haven't. I haven't seen any of these, but

[A]

I can tell you have them categorized by cruel.

[B]

No, no, no. I can tell by the folder that it's in that it's not a devastating life ending.

[A]

Tell me what the folder is. Like, what does it say?

[B]

Well, I'll tell you right after it.

[A]

Oh, this is a secret.

[B]

Well, I mean, if I told you. Because it's the name of the.

[A]

I get it.

[B]

Okay?

[A]

I get it.

[B]

Yeah. 111 30. 130 is fine.

[A]

You must get a lot of hate

[B]

with that name, huh? The name, your name, my name. Yeah, you must get a lot of hate with that.

[A]

I like it for a couple of reasons.

[B]

It's funny.

[A]

It's one on its own. It works to the guy who's. You could tell by his voice, he means it.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

He's like, I know you're not a Jew, so it's okay, but it probably is a lot of people that, like, don't know for sure and, like, that's a dangerous thing to be right now.

[B]

It's pretty funny.

[A]

You're a Jew, are you?

[B]

Yeah. And she's like. And he's like, yeah, right. It's almost like she's learning that there's another way that her name is interpreted, too.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Okay, how about this? Oh, no, you won't like that. Hold on. How about. See, I'm putting it together. All right, how about this? This is pretty cool. I usually just like to start with a few fingers, and then you will

[A]

know if they're experienced fisti. Their shit's gonna.

[B]

Four fingers are gonna slip right in.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

But some people aren't easy to open

[A]

up like that, you know? So they do need the two finger stroke. Nice in and slow. He's writing it down. They open up into a third one, you know, and then into a fourth one.

[B]

Any.

[A]

Now, like my grandma says, now this

[B]

I like this you like?

[A]

Yeah, I like it because it's not showing something that we didn't need to see. And they're not just putting something on. I think they really are having a conversation.

[B]

They really are. Yeah. This guy's really teaching about how to fist.

[A]

Well, how to know when to fist. Very different. When you first start, make sure you're. Oh. And how.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And then if you're going to then

[B]

start to use the punching style.

[A]

Make sure your thumb is in. Me neither, I guess, because maybe this is, you know, what can happen if the thumb is out.

[B]

Just like sometimes it could just like

[A]

maybe the end of the hole is here and you get stuck. You get stuck.

[B]

That's important.

[A]

So it's the opposite of giving a thumbs up.

[B]

Very true.

[A]

I'll give you a thumbs up to put your thumb under.

[B]

Under.

[A]

This is. I remember learning at a very young age, you don't want to throw a punch like this.

[B]

Yeah, you definitely don't. Yeah, you definitely want that out. Yeah. I mean, Chris Hemsworth, though, would appreciate this. Probably.

[A]

I mean, now, this I like.

[B]

Yeah. See?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See, I found the sweet spot.

[A]

Yeah. Show me some more. Show me some more where people are being authentic.

[B]

Okay, let's see that. Oh, this guy seems. I haven't seen it, but he seems authentic. Hey, baby. Daddy's back.

[A]

Daddy just wanted to ask you a question. Do you think you're too good for Daddy or something? Because, I mean, Daddy has skills.

[B]

If you don't want to see the skills, that's okay. But they'll always be here.

[A]

Daddy can lick it like a lollipop. I can do more. But a magician never reveals his secrets. So it's like you, when I asked what kind of folder it was in.

[B]

Yeah. See this back.

[A]

This is fine. This doesn't make me upset, but this I don't need. I don't need this. You need it.

[B]

She.

[A]

He needs to. He needs to send this to whoever he's talking to.

[B]

There's a whole lane of people who don't know that they need to send

[A]

it to somebody and not just throw it out there.

[B]

Why? Because they think sometimes they'll. They'll be like, you know, melissa, I got something to say. And they're just posting it. You're like, you should send that to Melissa, dude. You should.

[A]

What's best case scenario for him?

[B]

In what?

[A]

In this world. By throwing this out on. Where was this? This. This is a tick.

[B]

I'm not sure I'm an Instagram.

[A]

Best case scenario, someone like, you know what? I'm curious what other skills you do have. Let's meet up.

[B]

That is by far the best case scenario.

[A]

And then is he going to care? I mean, and I'm just going to keep. I'm just going to. I'm going to keep it 100.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay. Keep it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

There's a. Probably a good chance that whoever he's attracted to.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Is not a good Looking person. I know this is a mean thing to say, but I'm just saying, like, when you throw out that on the Internet, the people that are like, oh, wow, I want to meet you, they're probably not meeting a lot of people in their real life. They have a very specific look, a very specific thing. They're probably an ugly person. So an ugly person might respond to this and be like, oh, I would love for you to eat me out or suck me or something. And is he gonna be like, oh, even though you're ugly and I don't know you, I would love to do that.

[B]

Yes. Yeah.

[A]

You know, I guess, you know, some people will eat at any restaurant.

[B]

I don't think he's going to be like, you're not up to my standards.

[A]

And if you're. Whoever this is is watching, I would love to know the answer to that, because you're throwing yourself out there blindly.

[B]

I don't know what you got to say. For his unique appearance. He has a lot of confidence in what he's saying. He's like, daddy's back and here's all my fighting tricks.

[A]

He's a regular looking person to me, with the exception of what he's doing with his shirt off, I think he's a regular looking person.

[B]

He has a regular looking guy, I think.

[A]

I think that looks like people. I think he's a little heavier than average hair. You know, it's funny that you say that. You say. And you think that's bad hair.

[B]

I know I just said it's not.

[A]

I think. I think that someone. He needs to do something with that hair. That's great hair.

[B]

It's great hair. Look at that line. I know.

[A]

Yeah, he's got great hair. You know what? Pull up a mirror and do a side by side. That's the same hairline. Amir K, in case you don't remember.

[B]

Look at that.

[A]

The only difference is he's a little darker.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And he's a little bit more in shape.

[B]

Yeah. Mm. Well, so this. You're giving a lot of confidence to this guy. I think that's a good thing.

[A]

And while you're at that confidence, find somebody that you're interested in that you think might be interested in you. Send it to them.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. Let's see if this has something here for you. I don't know. I don't know what this is yet. I know it's not someone dying. Okay, hold on.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Let's just see.

[A]

Some damn Asian girl keeps putting her masturbation videos on my fyp and first.

[B]

Well, this, this is kind of interesting because you're trying to find an Asian and this guy is starting with he's not.

[A]

Did you know, speaking of Jew from the airport, did you know that Jews is a thing, love Asian women and food.

[B]

Wait, what?

[A]

Jews have a lot, a lot of times if there's an Asian woman with

[B]

a white guy, he's Jewish.

[A]

And if he's not, a Jew is jealous of him.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Jews love Asian women. It's like a thing.

[B]

I did not know this, that like this is a long standing thing.

[A]

So it's something that I noticed and then I heard, I'm like, oh, I noticed that. And then like I've asked some, my Jewish friends, does it add up to you? Yes. And it's not something I could say

[B]

is like not purely fetishing, fetishizing these women. You're saying that there's just an attract.

[A]

I, I've always been attracted to Asian women.

[B]

But can you go beyond the, the, the physical, like attraction? Do you think there's characteristics.

[A]

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, maybe. And I'm just pulling it at straws here.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

That maybe there's something to like the neuroses of a Jew and the, like the way that the Asian culture is so respected. That's what I'm talking people.

[B]

That's what I'm talking.

[A]

Like no shoes, don't touch, wash your hands. I don't know. Maybe. But I'm just saying from a, for me, from a physical standpoint, I just. In Asia, I'm just so attracted Asian women.

[B]

Is this something about the way you're saying? It feels like it's a new revelation or have you always been attracted?

[A]

For as long as I could remember. Yes.

[B]

You have. Okay.

[A]

And I think it's separate, but also Jews love Asian food. I remember my grandma even told me, like if you're out some, if you're someplace like not home and you're looking for a good Chinese restaurant, look for where like the Jews are. Like, you know, if there's like a city in a town in Brooklyn with a lot of Jews, there's going to be a good Asian restaurant around there.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

See, I always, I always go for, look for where there's no white people. If you're looking for an ethnic food, in other words, that's fair. You know, if you want sushi, you go to like where you see a lot Asian people eating.

[A]

Yeah. Brisbane.

[B]

There you go.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hell yeah.

[A]

Yeah, I've heard that when you're traveling in a foreign country where you don't know much and you know what to eat, go where the locals are eating.

[B]

I've heard that that's a good expression. Yeah.

[A]

I don't know if it's an expression more as, like just a little.

[B]

I mean, little bites. Yeah, it's good advice.

[A]

Well, let's start this from the beginning. Mistake is. Okay, damn Asian girl keeps putting her masturbation. She's not doing that.

[B]

First of all, my fyp. What does that mean for you, Page?

[A]

So, like, when you're. When you're looking at the thing, it's what the algorithm thinks she wants.

[B]

Does he think that she's putting it there? Yes, for him.

[A]

It's kind of like when people leave comments on my clips and be like, why does this fucking Jew keep coming up in my algorithm? Like, because you're commenting. Yeah.

[B]

You're engaging.

[A]

Stop looking at. It's crazy how much comedy fans hate Jews. What? Yeah.

[B]

You guys are like the fucking.

[A]

You guys.

[B]

You guys Jews. You're like the fucking.

[A]

Not anymore.

[B]

All stars of.

[A]

I also think there's a lot of people who are comedy fans that think they're being funny by being. Saying shocking stuff.

[B]

I don't. That's very.

[A]

I think it's a lot of that. But, like, oh, Jewish thinks he's funny or blah, blah, blah.

[B]

This Jew thinks he's funny.

[A]

Really? Dude, come on. This is your business.

[B]

Talking like, that's crazy.

[A]

I mean, I almost want to curate some screen grabs for, like, everybody.

[B]

That's an insane comment to leave this two things. He's funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Crazy thing to say.

[A]

That's a word for word. Also, a lot of people say the only reason I'm in this business is because I'm a Nepo baby. My dad, you know, sells rugs or. He did.

[B]

Yeah, I know. Why do you think you're on tour?

[A]

Because he retired.

[B]

Is that the rock? Is that the business?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What is it? Marshall.

[A]

Marshall Rug Gallery.

[B]

That's how you got this gig.

[A]

The only reason he gets those guests is because his. Because his parents. Parents.

[B]

What percentage of comments on comedy are. Have some version of, like, Jewish?

[A]

Well, it depends on the. On the. On the. On the. On the. The channel.

[B]

Okay, so what. What's the. How does it break down? Like YouTube more or Instagram?

[A]

No, I'm saying, like, I don't know what this is. I know that, like, if I'm on. When I'm on Kill.

[B]

Tony, now you've given the formula, so that's different.

[A]

Yeah, but just because someone's like, oh, I have permission to say Jew. If they're in there, they're gonna do it.

[B]

No, no, I'm saying they're gonna find this audience is gonna find the humor in the fact that we're talking about this and dial it up for this episode. I don't think in that makes sense. On a normal episode, I think I

[A]

could tell the difference between a bad joke and a hateful one.

[B]

Yeah, I think so, too. I think it's very obvious. So what? Kill?

[A]

Yeah. And. And that's not me throwing shade to kill Tony. Truly. Because also when you have millions of people watching, there's gonna be a lot more Jew haters than when you have 200,000 watching.

[B]

Exactly.

[A]

But I do think on there, there's. There's. There is a lot of people who are. Who just. Yeah, they don't like. They don't like Jews.

[B]

Crazy.

[A]

There's a lot of people that don't like Jews also. And I think they associate Jews with what their identification of liberal means.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And their identification. Limeral is different than a Democrat. It's just like.

[B]

And there probably is something to. They're dialing up how they're viewing Jews with the situation for the last, whatever, two years in Israel. So they're. They're conflating the two, and they pro.

[A]

They probably also only think it's been two years going on.

[B]

Well, you know, I mean, the war.

[A]

Yes, the war. This one? Yes.

[B]

This one.

[A]

Yes, absolutely. I also think that, like, that if you don't like somebody.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're gonna be mean to a thing that you identify. Like I. Without naming any culture.

[B]

Truly.

[A]

It could be any. You're driving and somebody cuts you off and you see if it's a race or a gender, whatever it is, there's a part of you that, like, is, you know, like. Like, why do women allow. To get their driver's license? Or whatever is. You think, like, you don't really mean that, but you hate that person for a second, so you say the mean thing.

[B]

That's true. When you're angry.

[A]

I think. I think people, when, like a comedian goes on their podcast. I'm here for Tom, who's this fucking Jew, you know? Or who's this fucking black guy? Or who's this fucking black girl.

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Whatever it is. They're going to like, they're going to hate you because they don't like. If they don't like you, if they don't like you, if they don't like You.

[B]

Or they'll be like, you know what? It's not a bad Jew. Yeah, Yeah.

[A]

I like this black girl.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Which is, like, you know, so it's my responsibility as well to. To represent Jews and fake Nepo babies.

[B]

You're doing a great job.

[A]

I don't know. I mean, like, I don't want to watch people if they're. If they're being pranked and it's mean.

[B]

That's fine. That's a normal, healthy view of things, I think.

[A]

I absolutely do not like Asian women.

[B]

Hey, this is not a Rick Glassman guy.

[A]

Also, you know, he does. That's like. That's like homophobes saying they don't like gays because they. They're ashamed of themselves.

[B]

Yeah, well, he's been turned down by it.

[A]

Asian woman, they're all over is for you, Paige. Buddy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Why do you think that they're there?

[B]

You've been engaging with these Asian pages guy. I don't want to give him any more. I think that's enough for him. This one's called Cop Tom. That's all. What? Cop Tom. My name. I don't know. You'll see. Ashley's lighting her hair up. Oh, I get it. Okay. If Ashley didn't have a warrant, she wouldn't have new charges. It does kind of look like me. Yeah, she didn't have a warrant.

[A]

She wouldn't be going to jail, and

[B]

she wouldn't be sleeping on a sidewalk right now. So don't be Ashley. That's pretty good. Why? It did start with Ashley's lighting her hair.

[A]

I was gonna say that's what they call a hook in social media. Now, you're supposed to start with the

[B]

thing at the beginning.

[A]

It's because Ashley's lighting your hair. And then to show the, you know, the lighting of it happen.

[B]

Holy. Ashley's lighting her hair on fire. If Ashley. Jesus Christ does look a lot like me. I'll give you guys that. A lot of times they send stuff, they go, this Tom, and it's just a guy with a beard. And I'm like, that's just a guy with a beard. But sometimes it does. Actually.

[A]

You don't have that many distinguishing qualities, though.

[B]

No, no.

[A]

You have glasses, you have a shaved head, and you have a beard. Anybody that has three of those things. And white. Yeah, I think you show me a white guy with thick, black rimmed glasses, a beard and a shaved head.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I think you should call him Tom.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yes, I think so. Type. Just Google search. White Guy, black, glasses, beard and balls.

[B]

Take the glasses out of it. Take the glasses out of it.

[A]

Okay. I mean, the glasses make to do it, you know? Like, you glasses.

[B]

I know, but if you just go,

[A]

like, white guy, bald, short beard. Yeah. Tom's all over the place. See, it's a gray beard. Make it say gray beard.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Little penis with little penis.

[B]

No, no, no. If I come up first. Okay, so great.

[A]

Short gray beard. Short gray beard. Yeah, absolutely. That could be you.

[B]

I don't think so. I don't see it even. See, that's the thing, is that I think when it's your face, you go,

[A]

that's what you've become. Like, that's. That's your next. That's your next.

[B]

But when the thing is that people are missing, like, distinguishing feet. They just go like, yeah, it's a bald guy with a beard. You're like, yeah, we don't have the same face at all. Like, our nose isn't the same. Our cheeks aren't the same. The lips aren't the same. Like, I don't see the similarity other than the guy doesn't have hair.

[A]

Okay, check this out. If that guy was a famous guy, that. And they're making a biography film about him, you would be in the running to be able to cast. To play.

[B]

Agreed.

[A]

That's what I'm saying. You could play him. They could play you. I'm not gonna. Is that Tom? I'm not confused.

[B]

Right, right, right. I know what you're saying, okay? But I just get. I get sent. They're like, I saw your doppelganger today. It's just like, a guy with a bee.

[A]

I get tagged a lot of stuff. I get tagged a lot of stuff.

[B]

Is this you?

[A]

And this is a Jewie out.

[B]

I'm like, what the are you talking about, man? Okay, this one. Let's see if this one's fun. All right, let's just try this one.

[A]

The night that my father bought me a prostitute was the night that he ceased being my father and became my best friend. Not only did he want to talk about what the experience was like, but he then suggested that we go to the casino and gamble all night. And let me tell you why these two things are a problem. Children need parents. They don't need best friends. When my dad introduced me to prostitution and gambling, it became an issue for me. He normalized it for me. I want to speak to the fathers that are watching this video. Please do not buy your son's prostitutes. And please don't take them Gambling.

[B]

I got to disagree with that. I think it's one of the most loving things a father can do. I think this kid's. This guy's a loser.

[A]

Do you think that maybe. Depends on the age of the son, though.

[B]

Yeah. I mean, you shouldn't do it when they're seven. What's. What's the age to take him gambling? Prostitute and gambling prostitutes may be a little over the line. Okay.

[A]

Yeah. If this was just gambling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'd be like, let's say it's just gambling.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You think that's crazy?

[B]

I think it's crazy. Like, look, if you take your kid. Your son gambling.

[A]

I love going to the casino with my dad.

[B]

That's what I'm saying. And, like, if the son develops a gambling problem, you're gonna feel like you got your. Your kid into a gambling problem.

[A]

But there's a chance. There's a good chance, though, that if the father introduced the son to gambling and prostitution, the father has a gambling problem and that addiction is genetic.

[B]

I think you're. You might be right.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I think the prostitution thing's insane because I also feel like a kid should. Like, in my opinion, you should have zero knowledge of your. Of your dad's sexual preferences. What he likes, like, that should not be in the conversation, and vice versa. I don't want to know what makes my dad's dick hard, and I don't want to talk to him about it. I don't like that shit. So I'm with him on that. But the gambling thing, I think, is he's tying the two together.

[A]

This is the first time I've ever really seen you.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah. I don't think you've been putting on a fake, but I saw you as a kid just now.

[B]

Oh, okay, Good.

[A]

You. I bet you there's a lot of guys that don't care about telling their dad how they get boners.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

So there's something going on.

[B]

I just think it's, like, it's inappropriate.

[A]

I agree. But, like, I didn't. I don't. Where's your inappropriate line? And that is so PG13 to me.

[B]

Really?

[A]

A guy that does and talks about the stuff you do. Be like, I don't want my dad to know about everything you talk about everything. I can't think of it. But I know you. I've watched your stuff. Like, the stuff you talk about, the gaping assholes and the things you show gaping assholes on here.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

There's something. There was a gaping asshole thing. I don't know how big it gets. The asshole was.

[B]

I don't think so. Mm, Really?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

How big a gaping.

[A]

No, you throw something about an. It was like a big asshole. And there was talking about something you guys are making fun of, like Josh in there.

[B]

What is that? Maybe like a prolapse kind of thing?

[A]

Yeah, maybe something like that.

[B]

That's possible.

[A]

You just don't want to know if it gets your dad hard.

[B]

No, no. Do you want to know what makes your dad hard?

[A]

I mean, I'm his son. I know. Buy a nice pair of jugs.

[B]

Well, no, that I already know. That's what I'm saying. My dad's. I like tits. And you're like, okay.

[A]

Did your mom have big tits?

[B]

Yeah. When they met. Now they're at her waist. But, like, when. Yeah. When. When they met.

[A]

Is that crazy?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

The big tits to go down like that.

[B]

Oh, my God. Her tits are, I think, below her waistline. Yeah.

[A]

Would you rather talk about that kind of stuff with your dad or mom?

[B]

My mom. Because I know it's upsetting to her to talk about that stuff, and she doesn't. She's not going to have the conversation. It's just a. It's like when you're a kid and you belch at the table and then she's like, you know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So, like, if I bring up something that's inappropriate, she's going to have that same reaction. And that's fun. That makes me laugh. So it's not my dad. He might be like. Yeah. I like when they have a full bush and you're like, jesus.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Christ.

[A]

Okay, so it's not that you don't want your dad to have the information. It's that you don't want to connect

[B]

with your dad over it sexually. No. Yeah. I think probably that's like a male to male thing where I know that there's never going to be a connection.

[A]

But you'd rather. You'd rather talk sexual with your mom than your dad as a son? I think that's atypical.

[B]

Yeah. Because I. Because I also know she's not going to engage in the reality conversation. We're not gonna. We're not gonna be at a point where it's like. And I like this. And I like. She's. She's gonna be like, absolutely not. Which is like, you're not really having the conversation you're provoking.

[A]

Is there also a language thing there? Because, like, English isn't her first language.

[B]

Maybe to a degree, but I'll say it in both languages to her because I. I know that if I say in Spanish, it's gonna bother her even more. Yeah, I'll do that too. I love to upset her, you know? Yeah, that's. That's kind of a thrill. Do you do that?

[A]

I. It's a. It's a. It's an operational cost is upsetting my mom. I don't want to upset her. I want her to laugh. Yeah. But depending on her mood and the pocket that I'm sitting in, yeah, I go too far. But I always want her to think what I'm saying is funny.

[B]

I like. I like my mom to laugh too. It's fun to make her laugh, but it's. It's very fun to upset her because it makes me laugh so hard.

[A]

Yeah. And then my dad laughs at that.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And then it's like, you know. Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. It's fun.

[A]

I have a video that's my most viral. I repost it once a year. It's gone. It's my most successful piece of content ever.

[B]

Ever.

[A]

And it's. It's my mom being upset that my cousin didn't replace the cold sodas, the warm sodas with the cold sodas. When he takes the sodas out, he doesn't replace it with a cold one. He doesn't replenish it. And my dad sees that my mom's upset, and my dad starts acting really upset. Can we pull this clip up? It's a minute. You maybe. I don't know if you've seen this before.

[B]

You're supposed to take the warm ones and fill it up after you finish.

[A]

You didn't have one today? When did I finish? I saw you have a soda pop today. I had one yesterday. A million yesterday. You had a million yesterday?

[B]

But I definitely.

[A]

Mike, you're supposed to replace.

[B]

You take the car and recur.

[A]

I can't believe it.

[B]

I never have anything after you've been here.

[A]

What the. If I taught you anything. I taught you to replenish. Seriously. Refrigerator everything. Refrigerator in the basement. And if you went downstairs in the basement and got a soda, what was the fucking rule? You'd replenish? Okay. What the fuck? Danny doesn't fucking replenish. No, listen. I think it's a microcosm of more serious things.

[B]

But you know. You know what?

[A]

I'm done. Yeah, because he even said, don't call my dad. He's gonna say it's. It's big. It's a problem of bigger issues. And then he says that so my point is, like, I don't want family members to be upset, but there's something so funny when, like, we're being silly and somebody is just getting a little upset. It makes you want to keep going. I don't know what that is.

[B]

Well, I think the thing about that clip and that moment is that the realer it is like the fact that it. There's a little aspect of performative from your dad in the beginning. Right. Where he's like.

[A]

It's all performative from my dad.

[B]

Right. So you feel that, but then. Then you. There's a hint of this is grounded and real and that's what makes it.

[A]

So it doesn't feel like a sketch.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. That's why it makes it.

[A]

But even. Yeah. And in real life, too, that's a thing like when somebody. It's like, I know my higher self knows, hey, relax, relax. But this music, give it a little bit more.

[B]

A little bit more.

[A]

Yeah, that's a real.

[B]

It's great. Dude, that was. That was fantastic. You're on tour. I want to tell people again. Go see Rick Glassman on tour. It's Ricky's on the loose tour. It's at Rick glassin.com tour. Of course, there's the take your shoes off podcast. I want to Black, white, Asian, Hispanic, take your shoes off at the front door.

[A]

I wanted to say my. My cities, I don't know where they all are. Austin, Cleveland, Dallas, D.C. portland, Eugene, Oregon as well. Philadelphia, Scotland, London. I already said those and maybe double.

[B]

Course we know there's a beautiful Asian woman in Denver.

[A]

I don't know how that happens. If they send. Send in or something.

[B]

No, I'm saying put it. Put the energy into the universe and see what it gives. Gives you back. That's all I'm saying, man. Let's just try.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, inshallah. So thanks so much for. For coming. And I hope you have that. You make that. That connection that was missed and great.

[A]

You know, every time I think about her, I think about her again 30 minutes later.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I know this is going to happen. I feel like it. I feel it's going to happen. Thank you for coming. This was a lot of fun. And I think you're going to have some nice comments. Thanks. In this video.

[A]

And this is what I'd like to say to her as well.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Thank you for coming. I hope you had a nice time. And we're going to get some nice comments.

[B]

There you go. All right, we'll see you guys next week. Take me as as hard as you can in the balls. Kick me as hard as you can in the balls. Kick me as hard as you can in the balls. Kick me as hard as you can in the balls.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's good.

[B]

Kick me as hard as you can in the vaults. Pick me as hard as you you can in the balls.

[A]

Come here, you boy.

[B]

Come here, scum.

[A]

Dummy. Dummy.

[B]

Good

[A]

dummy. Get up against the wall. Swipe your ride. Come here, scum. Get up against the wall. Swipe your ride. Dummy. Get up against the wall. Swipe your ride. Come here, you boy. Boy, boy, boy. Get up against the wall.

[B]

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[A]

Hurry in.

[B]

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