The Fart Mic Returns w/ Ron White | Your Mom's House Ep. 823

Summary

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Episode Title: The Fart Mic Returns w/ Ron White | Your Mom's House Ep. 823
Release Date: August 13, 2025
Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Guest: Ron White
Produced by: YMH Studios

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1. Introduction and Merch Announcement (00:00 - 00:50)

Christina kicks off the episode with her characteristic humor, teasing about her husband Tom’s absence and announcing a massive sale on the YMH merchandise store. She emphasizes that this is the last chance to grab exclusive designs like the "Cool Mom Hats" and "Fed Smoker Hate from YMH" shirts, urging listeners to visit store.ymhstudios.com immediately.

Notable Quote:

Christina P. (00:45): "Guys, they're not coming back. This is a last call, so go to store.ymhstudios.com right now, right now, right now."

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2. Introducing Ron White (00:50 - 01:34)

Ron White joins Christina as the guest of the day. Their playful banter sets a light-hearted tone for the episode as Christina warmly welcomes Ron, highlighting him as “the greatest.”

Notable Quote:

Ron White (00:53): "You call that dude mommy, okay."

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3. The Return of the Fart Mic (09:03 - 09:17)

A central theme of the episode is the comeback of the infamous "Fart Mic." Christina nostalgically recounts how Tom had previously banned this feature, much to the dismay of fans and Ron alike. The introduction of the Fart Mic is met with enthusiasm.

Notable Quote:

Christina P. (09:08): "So it was a thing at one time. And how's it smell? It was so. It was a staple on the show."

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4. Ron White’s Vacation Story (01:37 - 28:14)

Ron delves into an entertaining and somewhat chaotic recount of his recent vacation aboard a Viking Cruise. He shares his experience of attempting to smoke pot discreetly on the ship, only to be confronted by the cruise staff. The story highlights cultural differences, misunderstandings, and Ron's humorous resilience in dealing with the situation.

Notable Quotes:

Ron White (02:01): "And she's perfect for me because I'll be 69 years old in December and she'll be 70 in 23 years."

Ron White (17:19): "What happened? Are you getting kicked off the boat?"

Christina P. (27:12): "But then I wrote a complaint about the way this was handled to Viking Cruise. And they didn't say jack shit to me. Not one."

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5. Personal Relationships and Marriages (34:05 - 42:39)

The conversation shifts to Ron’s personal life, exploring his past marriages and the complexities of his relationships. He humorously discusses failed marriages, prenup negotiations, and the challenges of maintaining long-term relationships.

Notable Quotes:

Ron White (34:05): "I'm not sure if you. If you count that tall girl, what was her name?"

Christina P. (34:26): "Three or four at this point. Oh wow, you gotta do prenups now, right?"

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6. Humorous Banter and Everyday Life (43:19 - 58:30)

Christina and Ron engage in light-hearted humor, discussing everything from viral videos to personal quirks. They touch on topics like adjusting steering wheels, body image jokes, and parenting anecdotes, all delivered with their signature comedic flair.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P. (46:05): "You need pockets and stuff, and they don't put pockets in women's clothing."

Ron White (58:05): "I had a big custom van and... My son was like two and a half and he's in a play school car seat right next to me."

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7. Community and Support (66:16 - 71:53)

Towards the end of the episode, Ron shares his reflections on his career and personal growth, emphasizing authenticity in his comedy. The conversation then transitions to a heartfelt plea for listeners to donate to the Kerr County Flood Relief Fund, highlighting the importance of community support in times of need.

Notable Quotes:

Ron White (70:36): "Because it's going to be here for a long time. Encourage the people that are actually trying to physically help to continue to help."

Christina P. (71:53): "We got to go donate money here. Kerr county flood relief fund."

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8. Closing Remarks and Final Ads (72:00 - 74:05)

The episode wraps up with a humorous attempt to regain control as Ron and Christina deal with lingering ad segments. They conclude with light-hearted jokes about upcoming merch sales and final thoughts on the episode's events.

Notable Quote:

Christina P. (73:06): "Her pussy is yawning her tissue. It's a fantastic. I certainly wanted my tasting her magnificent ass."

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Key Takeaways:

• The Fart Mic Revival: The episode centers around bringing back a beloved feature, the Fart Mic, adding a nostalgic and humorous element to the show.

• Ron White’s Engaging Storytelling: Ron's detailed recount of his cruise experience provides a blend of humor, cultural commentary, and personal insight, keeping listeners entertained and engaged.

• Personal Insights: Discussions about relationships, past marriages, and personal growth offer depth and relatability, allowing listeners to connect with the hosts and their guest on a personal level.

• Community Support: The call to action for flood relief donations underscores the podcast's commitment to community and helping those in need.

• Humorous Banter: Throughout the episode, the dynamic between Christina and Ron, filled with witty exchanges and playful teasing, maintains a lively and enjoyable atmosphere.

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This episode of "Your Mom's House" masterfully combines humor, personal stories, and community engagement, making it a memorable listen for both long-time fans and newcomers alike.

Transcript

[Christina P.]

What's everybody. Just kidding. That's so dumb. That's what my stupid husband would say. But guess what? He's not here. I am. And you know what I'm going to do? He doesn't even realize we are having a huge YMH merch store sale. Okay, we're coming out of the closet. Pull your jeans up as high and tight as they can possibly be. This will be your last chance ever to get the designs. Like the cool mom hats. Hello. That's my favorite park closer, which was such a good time on ymh. Fed smoker hate from YMH shirt and all the other designs. Guys, they're not coming back. This is a last call, so go to store.ymhstudios.com right now, right now, right now. All right, Are we ready, mommies?

[Ron White]

We're ready.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Ron White]

You call that dude mommy, okay.

[Christina P.]

Call them all mommies.

[Ron White]

You do.

[Christina P.]

They're my mommies. Yeah.

[Ron White]

Oh, that's sweet. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P.]

What's everybody. Just kidding. I don't say that. That's stupid Tom. And he's not here. He's out filming a movie. I am Christine. And co hosting today with me. I'm so pumped to have Mr. Ron White. Everybody clap for Ron White. The greatest.

[Ron White]

Thank you for the clapping.

[Christina P.]

Love you.

[Ron White]

Oh, I love you, too.

[Christina P.]

Who push the microphone closer to your beautiful face.

[Ron White]

All right, here we go.

[Christina P.]

How have you been? What's new? What's your summer?

[Ron White]

It just got back from vacation. Went on a great vacation with my. My girlfriend.

[Christina P.]

And who's this girlfriend?

[Ron White]

We started seeing each other about six or seven months ago. And she's perfect for me because I'll be 69 years old in December and she'll be 70 in 23 years.

[Christina P.]

And so just do the math. That's perfect.

[Ron White]

Yeah, Right? That's so right there. Yeah, we're right there. Sort of. And beautiful, smart girl, Head of HR for some private equity group.

[Christina P.]

And she's smart.

[Ron White]

Bombshell. Bombshell.

[Christina P.]

What? What kind of broads do you like? Bombshell? Like, what are you into? Boobs, butts? What are you.

[Ron White]

Well, you know, it's. If you looked at all of them individually, there's quite a mix there, you know, Face. You know, I like a woman with a beautiful face.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Ron White]

I'm not into big, fake tits.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

And. But, you know, she. And she's probably the prettiest one ever that I've ever been with. Really? I've been with some cutie pies.

[Christina P.]

You sure Have.

[Ron White]

But my last girlfriend was older than me. She was 70, and so she ended up moving back to California and. And the other ones have been pretty close to my. She. She's the youngest one. She's 49, I guess is the way it works out. How old are you? I know. Perfect. That's what I was thinking about.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God. So perfect. Well, do. All right, well, maybe when. Don't tell anybody. When Tom dies.

[Ron White]

Yeah, I know. Well, you.

[Christina P.]

What do you think?

[Ron White]

I. I think it's a match made in some sort of celestial space. I'm not calling it heaven. Yeah, but it's celestial.

[Christina P.]

It is. It is, my friend. You know, when I had cancer, my husband brutally brought in my replacement and called her New Christine, which I thought was rather rude. And this could be New Tom, who.

[Ron White]

Could die right here. Right here, right here. Who was the new Christie?

[Christina P.]

She sucks some pig. Look at her. She's all brains, no brawn.

[Ron White]

Oh, I know her, don't I? Yeah, something like that.

[Christina P.]

Gross.

[Ron White]

That is gross.

[Christina P.]

Fit and young and pretty. Well, whatever. Listen, I've prepared such a special show for you. I'm just thrilled that you're here. Why don't we start with the opening clip? Okay, this one is just for you. Your lunch is ready.

[Ron White]

That was an elephant yawning, wasn't it? That wasn't even a fart. Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina. The welcome to your mom's house, Bomb Shell.

[Christina P.]

You like it?

[Ron White]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P.]

New Tom. I can't wait.

[Ron White]

You can't wait for Tom to die?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. I'll take care of you, Ron White.

[Ron White]

I need. Taken care of.

[Christina P.]

I'll wipe your ass when the time comes. Hold on, I got one more. Christina, it's lovely to see you. And welcome, everybody, to your mum's house. It's coffee time. Christina, can you believe it's your first podcast without Tom?

[Ron White]

I know.

[Christina P.]

Let's put the kettle on and celebrate with a strong black coffee. Best drink of the day. There you go. Catherine can, thank you so much for the shout out. This is my friend in England, Catherine Can.

[Ron White]

Yeah, big old natties.

[Christina P.]

Huge natties. Speaking of natties, she better get those looked at. Now, what do you think of the fart sandwich? Would you still eat that sandwich?

[Ron White]

You know, I gotta tell you, if she had on that sandwich, I would have taken a bite off the other end of it. But, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. But, you know, probably not that one end, but the. You know, the one with The. On it. I would eat the regular sandwich. I don't care for. That's an egg salad or. I don't know.

[Christina P.]

Well, let's see. I was gonna look at that because I'm curious what kind of Sandwich.

[Ron White]

That's probably 75 million views on Tick Tock, Right?

[Christina P.]

And here you are owning an axe.

[Ron White]

I'm trying too hard.

[Christina P.]

Way too hard. That looks like I'm gonna guess a pork rind sandwich.

[Ron White]

You think those are pork rinds or eggs?

[Christina P.]

Oh, I. I think they're pork rinds. It could be eggs. Spicy deviled eggs.

[Ron White]

Why would you eat a pork rind sandwich?

[Christina P.]

I don't know. Maybe it's like a fart fetish thing. Maybe makes you.

[Ron White]

Well, the thing is that there's no carbs in pork rinds. And. And that's the only reason people eat them at all. I think there's low carbs and. And. But there's carbs in that bread. Oh. And now the whole thing's starting to make much not. Not make that much sense.

[Christina P.]

But I got you, babe. Oh. Listen, I have some official YMH business to get into before we proceed.

[Ron White]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Now, many years ago, Tom banned something that I loved on this show, and it really broke my heart. Ron and so many of the listeners, the devoted fans, the mommies loved this thing. And then Tom cruelly took it away, ripped it from us, from our world, from the fabric of our lives. And now I am here. I am back. I am restoring YMH to its former glory, to its greatness. It is, if you will. And I have a massive announcement. That's right. Chips in a bowl.

[Ron White]

And that's what Tom ripped away from the.

[Christina P.]

Oh, you'll see. This is just me getting to the announcement. It's a cat eating kibble. That's such a good sound. Right?

[Ron White]

What is it?

[Christina P.]

It's a cat eating kibble. Do you have a cat?

[Ron White]

No.

[Christina P.]

You gotta get a cat. It's the sweetest sound in the world.

[Ron White]

Cat eating kibble. That sounds like an elephant yawning. What is it with the show?

[Christina P.]

Stupid. It's just fun. Here it is. Are you ready? Hold on. This is what was ripped away. And I will restore to its former glory its greatness. Everybody, behold the fart mic. You can clap. Go ahead.

[Ron White]

The fart mic. So it is.

[Christina P.]

You're welcome, world. You're welcome now.

[Ron White]

So it was a thing at one time. And how's it smell? It was so. It was a staple on the show. And.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, so what happened was.

[Ron White]

And then segura who I've never liked.

[Christina P.]

No, no. Boo.

[Ron White]

Yeah. The. He just ripped it right out of your life.

[Christina P.]

He took it away. And this was something that was so beloved, you know, and because we used to.

[Ron White]

That was the pole holding up the tent and Tom yanked it cruelly. Wow.

[Christina P.]

Because we would record the show after lunchtime back in California and we would often have Mediterranean food, hummus, falafels of that nature. And then we'd be so gassy. And I said, gosh, I wish there was a microphone that could pick up these farts. And we did it. And then Tom got disgusted for some reason. What a prude. Not like you. You would eat the sandwich that I take a on?

[Ron White]

Yes. Yeah, well, I mean, I would. I would be part of it.

[Christina P.]

Thank you.

[Ron White]

Whatever the good part is, I would eat that.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Okay, so just if you have to fart at any point during the show, you let me know and I'll hand you the fart.

[Ron White]

I'm not gonna do it, Ron. I'm not gonna do it. I'm just gonna back my ass up to this mic and fart right in it.

[Christina P.]

That'.

[Ron White]

That's why they. You know what? These are changeable. That's a filter. Right. So you can change that filter if it gets clogged up with whatever spray. Yeah, because I'm going to drop trowel when I do it too. It's not going to be coming through these jeans. That's going to be fresh. Oh, that's so like Matthew McConaughey's tuna salad. Fresh. That's.

[Christina P.]

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[Ron White]

You know what? It's. If we're in bed at night and I'm tired, I'll try to get away with it. She's not big on it, so I try to. You know, I try to. I've always been kind of a don't fart in front of women thing.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

But, you know, some. If you're exhausted, you're like, she's not gonna. She's asleep. And then, you know, oh, Rod. I'm like, okay.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

Yeah. It's pretty nasty. I'm an old man.

[Christina P.]

Well, you're a man's man.

[Ron White]

Yeah. Oh, am I?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Just rip farts, do whatever you want, burp.

[Ron White]

I don't care. So can I tell you about our vacation?

[Christina P.]

I would love to hear about your vacation.

[Ron White]

Okay. It was a surprise. Number one, she didn't know where we were going. I was gonna go up to this mountain house in Colorado that a friend of mine owns, and a guy had a fucking stroke in Africa, and he's still, to this day, like, a month later in Cape Town. Not good. Don't go to Africa. And so I'm like, I'm not gonna call there. You know, he doesn't have spoken and days. And I'm like tell him to blink twice if the code is. You know. That seems so insensitive. And I really do care about the guy. I joke about it, but. And so we couldn't go there. So I had the last. And she took time off work. So she's got vacation and time. I got a light summer. I can do whatever, you know, whatever. And so I just started looking around and my niece used to. She was really good at finding cheap cruises for her and mother to go on when my mother was alive. And she's a NASA engineer, so she's smart anyway, but she knows how to do this.

[Christina P.]

A what? Engineer.

[Ron White]

She worked for NASA. Now she runs a big.

[Christina P.]

I thought you said she's an ass engineer.

[Ron White]

No, NASA. And I'm so proud of her. She's so smart and wonderful.

[Christina P.]

God damn.

[Ron White]

But so she finds this. There's a river cruise that leaves out of Paris that's parked right by the Eiffel Tower. So she doesn't know where we're going and she doesn't want to know. She's excited about not knowing. I told her what the temperature would be and what to pack for and she's okay, I'm in. I mean, I'm in. So on the way to the plane, don't tell her, you know, shut your eyes. Okay. And so we get all the way there and they're out where they're land. We're landing in Paris.

[Christina P.]

Hold on. Do you fly private or commercial?

[Ron White]

No, I don't fly to Paris.

[Christina P.]

Okay, Just, you know, I'm just trying to see what my future looks like.

[Ron White]

No, no, no, no, no. It's a. It's. It's. It's nice, but it isn't private. You can't just fart, you know? Yeah, you can't. You can, you can. It's ventilated. That stuff goes out somewhere. It's must, right? So anyway, we get there and then there's people from the Viking people are there and they take us over to this river cruise and we have a suite with a balcony. Not big, but as big as they get there, except for two on the back that were gone. And it was cancellation. Whatever. We're on it now. I have weed and, and edibles and mushrooms and come on vacation, right? And I'm ready to go. And I can see when I looked at the boat, I'm like, this could be iffy on the pot smoking thing because of the way it's designed. You know, there's 200 people. But I've always been, let's See what I can get away with and then go from there, right? And that's practical. So I got those little decks. I'm going out there, I'll just shut the door, smoke some pot and see what I can get away with. And then. And if I get accused of it, I'll just deny it and I'll quit doing it. And I'll just either go on the top or figure out something that works. And so day two, I get a call from this guy, that's the hotel manager, and he says, I gotta come talk to you. And I know what it's about, you know. So I said, yeah, sure, come on down. Big, tall Belgian dude, older than me, nice as he could be, real diplomat. And before I could even deny it, because he said, you can't smoke pot in this room. And I didn't that smoke pot out there. He said, what you need to do is smoke pot out there with the door shut or up on top of the boat. And I'm like, this guy means me no harm. He's a good guy.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

So I'm like, hey, listen, thanks a lot. That's actually, that's where I was smoking it, but I wasn't that careful about keeping the door shut. I'll be more careful. He goes, oh, great. We shook hands, we're best friends. He said, I know who you are. I looked it up, and so we're happy you're on the boat. I'm like, okay, great. Next day, our boat pulls up to a dock and the dock is right by my balcony. I mean, I'm sitting there and that's the dock right there. So I'm like, well, this might not work, but I'm gonna see what I can get away with. So I light a joint and I realized we're not moving. So the pot smoke's just billowing right there. And I'm like, this doesn't work. So I put out my joint and I'm like, I'll just smoke it off the bottom boat. Because you're at a different little thing every day or whatever, so.

[Christina P.]

And it's Europe. Yeah. Like, they're cool, right?

[Ron White]

Yeah, yeah. France. Not so much as Belgium, but. Or Amsterdam. Netherlands, whatever. They're calling it Holland. So anyway, at 6:30 that night, I get a call from the guy and he goes, the captain wants to talk to you. And I said, do I know what it's about? And he goes, yep. And I'm like, okay. It's about 6 o' clock at night and they knock on the door and he had come in the room, but they didn't want to come in the room. And the captain takes this really aggressive tone with me, and he's. I don't know if he's German or what his accent was exactly, but it was a little harsher. Yeah, but he said, you've. Been. You've been smoking pot in your room, and that is against the rules of the Viking Cruise, people. And real barky at me. And I said, hey, listen, dude, I've been smoking pot exactly where that guy told me to, which is on my balcony. He goes, I think you smoked pot in your bathroom. And then it got into the ventilation system and blew it into the hallway. And I'm like, that is a conspiracy theory that you just made up. And you also called me a liar in the process. Meanwhile, it's escalating. He's getting louder, I'm getting louder. And. And people are going to dinner, and they all. It's just 200 people, and there's two things. They see them all at once. And there are people walking down the hall. We're in my hallway, and this guy's dressing me down. And. And. And. And it got no traction with me. And then the big guy's trying to calm us both down because it's starting to get into a fucking eye stare. You know, what are you going to do? Because I'll tell you what I'll do. And so the big guy kind of gets it all back going in the right direction. The guy softens up and he goes, and now at no point has anybody told me not to smoke pot on this boat. Nobody has. And the guy goes, well, perhaps if you smoked it on the top deck, I could look the other way. And I'm like, why didn't you open with that? You said, you dress me down in front of all these people and make me look like a pond. And I said, I gotta go to dinner. And I slammed the door in his face. And I was pissed. And, you know, if you want to talk to me man to man in my room, I'll own my part of it. And people vote in whether I'm right or wrong. I mean, I own my part. I was smoking pot where I wasn't supposed to. I was trying to get away with something, but that's just what I do. And so I was just figuring out the water here. And this guy. Just. What was unforgivable is he did it in front of people.

[Christina P.]

That's not very nice.

[Ron White]

And this is cocoon 3, right? This is Old People all together. It is a. It is elderly.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

And so anyway, I'm like. I tell Angela, we got to get off this boat. And she goes, listen, the boat's in dock. It's going to be there till 7:30 the next night. So, well, let's just walk into the town. We won't eat on the boat. Which we hadn't. Anyway. We're going to town, find a restaurant, have some dinner, come back, sleep, and we'll walk around the town. It's gonna be here all day and decide what we're gonna do. But we don't need to just walk off now. And I'm like, you're right. You're absolutely right. So we go do that. Next day, we're walking around in town. Well, they'd taken all the people on these buses over to Normandy, and I wasn't gonna do that anyway. And we see two. Two couples that we know. And both of them were like, what happened? Are you getting kicked off the boat? Was it? And I'm like, okay, we gotta go, because I can't. I won't get past it. And I didn't get past it. Anyway. I was like, tell me. I'll tell you, motherfucker. I'm in my bathroom by myself. You know, just. I can't let it go.

[Christina P.]

Yep.

[Ron White]

I just know how I am. So we decided to leave. And the guy, the big guy that I liked, he sends me and her a big plate of these Belgian chocolate strawberries that might be the best thing I've ever tasted in my life. And then a bottle of wine that no alcohol, which was thoughtful because I don't drink. And a handwritten note apologizing for the way it was handled and by the guy from.

[Christina P.]

The guy. No, that's the problem.

[Ron White]

That's exactly the problem. I didn't need him to apologize. He did nothing to me.

[Christina P.]

The German, he was great.

[Ron White]

Yeah, well, it's just. Anyway, whatever his name is, we know what. It was just shitty. But. And here's kind of the shitty thing. I was like, I'm not going to make this about Viking. Because it was. Whatever experience it was, it had a lot of good people working on the boat.

[Christina P.]

Lots of hard gigs, too. Those people that work, my God.

[Ron White]

So I'm not. I'm like, I'm not going to go bash them because of the people, you know? And it was. It's a thing. I like it better than, like, a 7,000 people cruise, but not better than the Ritz Carlton. So, you know. But then I wrote a complaint about the way this was handled to Viking Cruise. And they didn't say jack shit to me. Not one.

[Christina P.]

Hold on. When did you write the complaint? When you came home or as you're there?

[Ron White]

As we're there, we write a lot. I chat gdp. I just got kicked. And they said, oh, here's what to do. Call this number, do these things. Make sure you document it all now. And so I did all those things and. Which I wouldn't have done anyway. I would have threatened to do it, but never done it.

[Christina P.]

Sure, sure.

[Ron White]

If that's how I am, I'll destroy you.

[Christina P.]

I just rehearsed the confrontation in my head over and over again and give myself cancer. So go ahead. Yeah, yeah.

[Ron White]

So anyway, yeah, we wrote it. And. And I. I meant them no harm. I just wanted them to know what happened, you know, I mean, we walked off the boat.

[Christina P.]

So you left the cruise?

[Ron White]

Yeah, we did.

[Christina P.]

You packed your bags?

[Ron White]

Four suitcases.

[Christina P.]

Where in what's the name of this town again?

[Ron White]

Yeah, we're outside of Paris.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Ron White]

And. And we just went up to a restaurant and sat down. Hey, what are we gonna do? But you know, it's the world's my oyster. I'm on vacation, I have money and you know, we'll be fine. So we took. Ended up, we took a train back to Paris and we found this sexy little boutique hotel.

[Christina P.]

Beautiful.

[Ron White]

We had a swing in the room and.

[Christina P.]

A swing?

[Ron White]

Yeah, a little swing.

[Christina P.]

You're kid. What hotel is this? This is not the Ritz Carlton.

[Ron White]

No, no, no, no, no, no no.

[Christina P.]

But it's Moulin Rouge.

[Ron White]

Five star. And not that far from Moulin Rouge. But it's a beautiful little place. What was it? La Adore?

[Christina P.]

Paris Lador, please look up the fuck swing. That's amazing, guys.

[C]

Enter the room. Dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting. Like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk in a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. There is nothing worse in this life than not being hard. Why go through life like that? I take Bluechew like I take vitamins to start the day just in case something might happen. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about legacy or third leg. A seat. Give her group chat. Something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're going to talk about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew. Discover your [e-mail] and we got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of BlueChew free. Just use the promo code YMH at checkout and pay 5 bucks for shipping. That's it. Join BlueChew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and important safety information. And a big thanks to BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast.

[Ron White]

Yeah, yeah. So it was. We had a great time just walking the streets. You had never been to Paris and we were gorgeous. And so we, you know, we had a great time there. And then actually when I came home, Viking did call.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Ron White]

But it was just a follow up call that they always make to people that have been. They didn't even know I had left the boat. Just this lady was like, just making sure everything was fine and. Oh, yeah, there it is. That's my room right there.

[Christina P.]

God bless the French.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

They really do not give a.

[Ron White]

No. And I'm telling you, that's nice service. I. I'm sure they'll appreciate this plug. But it was. That's what it looks like.

[Christina P.]

And, and they'll clean your swing and.

[Ron White]

Oh, yeah, everything. They, they got Lysol, they got all kinds of disinfectants. They got all kinds of things.

[Christina P.]

There it is. There's your Fox wing. That's amazing.

[Ron White]

Yeah, that. But that was my room right there. The black one. The other one, I never saw the pink one, but there's a little balcony out there.

[Christina P.]

Look at those floors. God, the French. Now, I. So it doesn't sound like Viking has made amends with you, Ron. Is that accurate?

[Ron White]

Well, you know what? I called that woman. That woman just left me a message saying, just seeing how the cruise went, you know, you may still be on it. Well, anyway, we're just checking on.

[Christina P.]

You didn't even.

[Ron White]

So I call back and I get a message and I tell her, just a short version, we walked off the cruise after four days and. And nobody's been curious why. And I'm going to start doing podcasts next week, so why don't you guys decide how that ends.

[Christina P.]

And, well, I was going to say.

[Ron White]

Even she didn't call back.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my gosh.

[Ron White]

And so I would just say, I would suggest to Viking that they square some of that stuff off because every once in a while somebody has a legitimate complaint. And now I would imagine what happened was they called that captain and he wouldn't quit smoking pot in his room. Are you Guy Hitler or whatever?

[Christina P.]

Yes, of course.

[Ron White]

And, and they go, well, if you did that. What are we going to do? You know? But I'm sure they didn't ask the nice guy that, you know, was trying to make it all right. Everybody have fun. And, you know, it was a pricey, pricey little venture.

[Christina P.]

Of course. And you lost your money.

[Ron White]

It doesn't. Yeah. And it doesn't, it doesn't matter that. That didn't matter. We were. I wasn't that big on it anyway. You know, it was not right. Exactly my thing.

[Christina P.]

And you smoke the pot on, on the boat. Is that how he sounded?

[Ron White]

A little bit.

[Christina P.]

All right. I do not appreciate your sense of humor.

[Ron White]

The guy was, he was probably from Australia, and I just heard it wrong. But I wasn't, I wasn't really listening to his words as much as his tone. This guy's being aggressive with me.

[Christina P.]

I'm not going to tell the mommies what to do. Because when you rally YMH listeners around a particular cause.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You see results. Whatever you guys do, don't go to Twitter and don't tag. Are you on Twitter?

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Ron White. And let Viking Cruise know how rude and dismissive they were to our friend Ron White. Do not allow him to smoke marijuana free on the boat. Okay.

[Ron White]

You know what? If anybody would have just said that.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

You really, seriously, you cannot.

[Christina P.]

You can't smoke weed on the boat.

[Ron White]

On the boat. Which I wouldn't. I would have found a way, A place to smoke it.

[Christina P.]

Of course. But you were told by the guy where to smoke it.

[Ron White]

Right? And I explained to that guy. I did. I'm just doing what I'm told here. I'm just trying to find a way to get along. I'm looking for boundaries. Right.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

And I, I, I don't want trouble.

[Christina P.]

You don't want trouble.

[Ron White]

You know, I don't want to get taken off of my frequent flyer program or my, of course, tsa and, you know, for.

[Christina P.]

Well, and let's be honest, it's a little bit of feed. It's not the end of the world. It's not like you're doing heroin or, or putting methamphetamines and, and selling it in the stores.

[Ron White]

I did say something about his silly little captain hat, though. And I was trying to control myself. And, and, and, and you could tell Angela because she's with hr. She was. Her mouth, her jaw was dropped. She couldn't. How he was talking to me.

[Christina P.]

Amazing.

[Ron White]

And she knew it was going to go nowhere because she knows me. That. That's not the way.

[Christina P.]

No way. Well, you're a Real man. Have you. Have you ever gone fist to blows with a dude? Have you fought?

[Ron White]

Not at this age.

[Christina P.]

Not that.

[Ron White]

Yeah, you know, out of something that just break off and fall on the ground.

[Christina P.]

That is wild that he was so disrespectful. And When I was 15, I did a Carnival cruise and a crew member gave my stepsister and I weed like. So I was smoking out with the employees of the cruise. Mango, give me a break that these people aren't getting high after work or during work.

[Ron White]

They didn't look like a big getting high group when I met them for dinner. But yeah, they're just, you know, some people don't want to be on those big boats with, you know, some fat guy in a hot tub. You don't know and ain't that appealing. And. And so I think it works out. My mother loved them. I mean, that's why I went anyway.

[Christina P.]

Because your mom knew Viking Cruise?

[Ron White]

Yeah, she took the one up to Russia and she did.

[Christina P.]

Did she like that one?

[Ron White]

Loved it.

[Christina P.]

I don't like the Russians. I don't trust them.

[Ron White]

I wouldn't go today. No, that's for sure. But this was quite a while back. The mother took that little trip.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, she liked it.

[Ron White]

But then Amsterdam was.

[Christina P.]

That's the best.

[Ron White]

I just. I just fucking loved Amsterdam. I've been there worse a few times, but we stayed in a big old fat hotel and it was great. You know, you go on those little boats and cruise around. Now they have one that's. That's got a virtual reality thing to it. So every once in a while they'll tell you to put on these headsets and then you see it 400 years ago.

[Christina P.]

That's cool.

[Ron White]

I don't know what that experience is called, but if you can bring that up. They'd only been doing it for three weeks. I saw it on TikTok and. And I'm like, oh, this is so. And if it is all the way around, too. So if you all the way back, you see a dude with a pole pushing this thing. Dogs in the front, Rembrandts over there. He has some little jokes.

[Christina P.]

And then dudes pissing into the canal.

[Ron White]

They love to shit on the sandwich. Throwing that in there, right?

[Christina P.]

They love that in Amsterdam.

[Ron White]

Sandwich.

[Christina P.]

Sandwich. Oh, I love it. You know what I like and that. We just went to Amsterdam.

[Ron White]

Golly, man. Nobody's this good at my shop. Oh, no, I don't have a shop.

[Christina P.]

What's I going to say? Oh, they have boats on the canal that people live on. Did you see those?

[Ron White]

Oh, yeah, all over the place.

[Christina P.]

That's wild. That'll be fun, huh?

[Ron White]

Yeah, that's a big Airbnb hustle too. I mean, they rent a lot of those out. But I. And I thought about doing it and I thought about what if it's all mildewy, you know?

[Christina P.]

Oh, it's full of jizz too. Just like comedy condos where just guys, come on, everything.

[Ron White]

Oh, yeah. I wouldn't even eat the mayonnaise in the leftover from the.

[Christina P.]

That before. Listen, I know you're just on vacation. What do you think about this? Have you done this? This is in Brazil. Look at this woman.

[Ron White]

Does she die later in this one?

[Christina P.]

Only hopes. I wish we could. I was waiting for her to fall. Can you imagine?

[Ron White]

That would make a splat noise.

[Christina P.]

Let's see this. Let me read the. It says this woman is visiting a very popular tourist attraction in Brazil known as whatever Good bag. In Rio, she decided to climb down to a restricted zone where you need an experienced guide and proper equipment. She was not injured, but the video became viral after viewers reported this as dangerous and irresponsible.

[Ron White]

But she just wanted it to go viral, right? And it did. So, bingo, she won.

[Christina P.]

You can't live alone, Ron. Are you going to get married again?

[Ron White]

I don't know.

[Christina P.]

How many times have you been married so far?

[Ron White]

I'm not sure if you. If you count that tall girl, what was her name?

[Christina P.]

A tall girl?

[Ron White]

Yeah, real tall. Beth or. Nah, I can't think of her name. But yeah, that was real brief and I don't know, three or four, something like that.

[Christina P.]

Three or four at this point. Oh wow, you gotta do prenups now, right? You've gotta be doing that.

[Ron White]

Well, you know the. Absolutely. But you know, there was a pre. Dump on the last one and it. And not my last girlfriend, but the last girl I was actually with. And that prenup didn't mean.

[Christina P.]

Seriously, what state did you get divorced in?

[Ron White]

Well, it's real complicated. We. We got divorced in California, that's why. But there was. Anyway, it's a long.

[Christina P.]

Story.

[Ron White]

Half an hour, you know, we, we were gonna have. We're gonna get a prenup and we. I was. I spent a. A lot of money on this wedding in Dallas, which is where she was from, and. 250 or 350 people rented a whole entire hotel with a French restaurant and a 19 piece band from New York and it was, you know, and. But when we got there, she hadn't signed those papers.

[Christina P.]

Shut Up. So you're telling me she shows up to the wedding.

[Ron White]

Well, a couple of days before. So we go down. I'm like, hey, we got to get this. It won't be valid, but it's got to be done before that. Her lawyer, my lawyer. So I'm like, okay, well, we got 350 people coming tomorrow, you know, so we're not going to. We'll just go ahead and do this. But we're not going to sign these. We're not going to sign a marriage license. There's no marriage license. And we didn't live in Texas. And in California, there's no common law. You can live with somebody 100 years.

[Christina P.]

Is that right?

[Ron White]

Yeah. But if you don't have a contract with them. If you do have a contract, you got a contract, but if you don't, you don't.

[Christina P.]

Explains how my dad got away with living with broads for so long.

[Ron White]

Yeah. Not marrying him. And so. So then we ended up getting a divorce. And.

[Christina P.]

Wait, hold on, hold on. Back it up. So she shows up. She hasn't signed these papers yet. What is she. Why is she telling you? The reason? She's like, is she giving you the whole, well, we're going to be together forever, so why sign these papers? I love you. We love.

[Ron White]

I don't think she liked the numbers on it.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Ron White]

And she didn't really talk a lot about it. She was an entertainer also. And I was. I was pretty crushed out on her. But, you know, I'd been beat up in court before, so. By brutal divorce attorneys. Everything has gotten better in the world except divorce attorneys. And it's 1860, and they got you in an alley beating your ass with a stick, and there's nothing you can do about it except fucking pay them and love them. So I said, okay, we're gonna have basically a mock wedding. We're gonna go through all this stuff. We had an aerialist.

[Christina P.]

No, what's that?

[Ron White]

An aerialist.

[Christina P.]

What is that?

[Ron White]

It's like somebody at a Madonna show that wraps around and.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that. That's so hard to do while these broads have strong thighs. I could never do this. Okay.

[Ron White]

Well, it was. It was a chick and I, and she toured with the Broadway show. So these were just some of the dancers that were in the show.

[Christina P.]

That's six figures at least.

[Ron White]

She was a singer. So it's. Oh, what, that party?

[Christina P.]

The. The aerial dancer. That. That's exciting.

[Ron White]

She was free.

[Christina P.]

Oh, she was free.

[Ron White]

Yeah. She was a friend. And why we had her, I mean, I saw a 40 foot boom when I walked in this room, I'm like, we don't need a 40 foot boom. And I mean, it made this movie that all showed up in court. That was all it was for, was for court. And anyway, and I. So we go through the procedure of it. We have dancers. We have. And all I was supposed to do was learn was to write my vows and learn how to cha cha. And so 30 minutes before the wedding, I'm like. And so anyway, we have the life and living in Montecito, and we decided to get a divorce.

[Christina P.]

And how long did you stay together before you decided to go?

[Ron White]

That was from that point on, we were together for quite a while, for eight or nine years.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that's a good run.

[Ron White]

And. But three years we were after that ceremony. So I don't think she understood there was no common law marriage in California. That's what I think, because I was surprised to find out, and I didn't know it either. But when I found out, I wasn't gonna chomper, you know, I said, I'll give you this amount of by Friday and you don't have to ever work again. And she's, oh, no, I want way more than that. I want a lot of money.

[Christina P.]

Hold on. At what point is this? At the divorce. She's saying that to you?

[Ron White]

Yeah, right after I tell her that I'm gone.

[Christina P.]

So she never signs the papers.

[Ron White]

Which ones?

[Christina P.]

The initial prenup papers. Does she ever sign?

[Ron White]

No, she never signs them. But there's no marriage license either. And we don't live in Texas. So anyway, they convinced this California judge who did not like me, that because we lived. We came to Texas on a tour bus with two bathrooms, that. That's a home.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Ron White]

And we. So we technically did live in Texas, and. Which is all complete and total. I mean, my assistant, this. She goes, well, technically, I'm. Guess I'm married to the bass player from Poison.

[Christina P.]

Right.

[Ron White]

I hopped on that bus for a few days, and, I mean, it was just a horrible decision. And then, you know, then it went into. So. But anyway, yeah, yeah, there are. There. There. There will be something that recognizes what's happened already and. And, you know, whatever. So, I mean, that's just a fact of nature. And then I. And then I hope it works. I mean, I hope the relationship works, you know?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

I don't want to keep doing this. I'm just, you know, I really am getting old, and I don't want to get old by myself. And I love women. I really? Do I believe you?

[Christina P.]

You know, a lot of male comics, I think, hated their mommies, and so.

[Ron White]

You know, I love my mom.

[Christina P.]

Oh, you loved your mother. I know. And you know something? I would never make you learn the cha cha before the stupid wedding. Never do that.

[Ron White]

Yeah, well, it was a big part. There were. It was. It was a lot of stupid.

[Christina P.]

Don't you hate when people do that stupid shit?

[Ron White]

Oh, I got mad. I was mad at the whole thing, you know, because her and her sister were doing it. I gave them a budget, and, boy, they blow that out of the water. And I'm walking around looking at this stuff going, I should ask more questions, you know, as I go through life and see what's going on. It was fun. And I love the pictures from it because a lot of my friends are dead and, you know, I can go back and look at them and. And, you know, and we were all younger and prettier and, you know, so. And. But I was, you know, I was nuts about all of them at one time, you know, And I was sure nuts about her. Great singer, you know, you never know what life's gonna bring.

[Christina P.]

You never know. That's the fuckery of it, of it all right? The human heart, you just. We can't help ourselves.

[Ron White]

It wants what it wants. And so it was. It was funny because I was. I was dating her brother. I was. I was. I was there. No, I wasn't dating her brother. Her brother's a really good friend of mine, and I'd known her forever, you know, so I knew her whole family. And. And so. And he didn't like it. He didn't like it one bit. And. And I was talking to Charlie Barricola, who's a comic out of North Carolina, and he goes, I'll hold my sister down and let you fuck her if you'll give me Alex's dates. Okay? That's the funniest thing I've heard this year.

[Christina P.]

Jesus Christ. Well, look, I hope that this girlfriend is wife number five and that she takes care of you in your old age, because you don't want this type of shit to happen.

[Ron White]

Whoa. Oh. What? What exploded?

[Christina P.]

I don't know. Let's see.

[Ron White]

It didn't even look like that dangerous thing she was doing.

[Christina P.]

She's heating up a canteen.

[Ron White]

Oh, she's. She's. That had some blast force that set her back a little bit.

[Christina P.]

What is she doing there? Do you guys know?

[Ron White]

It looks like a jar of, like, pasta sauce or something, like a glass. Oh, she's canning she's canning, like, whatever.

[Christina P.]

She'S carrying for the. For the winter.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

This is hilarious. Yeah, it splattered everywhere, too. I imagine the glasses everywhere. That's kind of cool, right? What do you think? Is that funny or is sad that hilarious?

[Ron White]

I mean, look at that. You can tell it wasn't staged. Look at all the sauce all the way up the cabinet and on the ceiling.

[Christina P.]

It's amazing. Here, look at this. Did you see this one? This took place in Amsterdam. Speaking of.

[Ron White]

Oh, my God. Was that a special chair that included. They weren't supposed to sit in.

[Christina P.]

Hold on, I'll read it to you right now. That's what you guys did when you got off your Viking cruise. That's Ron White and his girlfriend.

[Ron White]

Boom.

[Christina P.]

Okay. Tourists are unnamed. The artist is Nicola Bola, who was inspired by Van Gogh to create this piece. The chair was covered in hundreds of Swarovski crystals, and as the tourist went to pose for a picture, he fell back and broke the chair. The tourists later fell, fled the museum. Oh, no. This took place in Italy.

[Ron White]

I think you should. I think they could have caught him. He didn't look like he was gonna fled too fast. Do you think he was?

[Christina P.]

No, they didn't catch it. Look at that. Dude. You know what's so stupid? I could totally see myself doing something this stupid. You could, for sure. Like you. You know what I'm saying? Like, you and me walking through the museum, We're a little loose. We're having some laughs, and I'm like, hey, Ron, watch this. I'm gonna sit on the chair.

[Ron White]

Dude, crunch. Let's get out of here.

[Christina P.]

It's so fun. All right, what about. Oh, where is this? This one's cool. Speaking of fatsos, does your belly touch your steering wheel while you're driving? In the center of the steering wheel, there's an airbag, which may explode in your direction in order to protect you if you're in an accident. But if you're sitting too close, it could actually really hurt you. It's your favorite queer automotive educator. Steering wheels can be adjusted. They're typically called telescopic steering wheels. Adjust the steering wheel and seat to find a position that's safe to drive in with as much distance. What are you feeling?

[Ron White]

If. If. If she lost weight.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

She wouldn't have anywhere to stick her cell phone while she was looking, while she was driving. Do you ever. I use. Every once in a while. When I was bigger, I would use my fat roll as a. Just a place to stick something for a Minute. Like a cap of a pan, you know, stick it in a fat roll she's got. She could store some stuff in this, but if she lost a lot of weight, she'd be like, I don't know what to do with this bottle cap.

[Christina P.]

You need pockets and stuff, and they don't put pockets in women's clothing. When I had huge tits, I used to store stuff on top of my tit shelf, you know, like when I'd be eating because it was so big and I could rest stuff on my tits. Or like a.

[Ron White]

Like an otter.

[Christina P.]

Exactly like an otter.

[Ron White]

You just sit there and just crack shells, eat them with your little hands.

[Christina P.]

It was perfect. There she goes, Fatso. Oh, there I am. There's me eating my snacks.

[Ron White]

Except it's ruffles.

[Christina P.]

It's Ruffles. Yeah. I like ruffles. There you go. Here. Is this what you do in your house when you're alone?

[Ron White]

He's actually. He's kind of a nimble little minx, isn't he? I mean, I couldn't do that.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Ron White]

There's a little bit of whip in there.

[Christina P.]

No, listen to him breathing, too.

[Ron White]

Yeah, I think about 45 seconds would be the distance for him. Right? That'd be about the end of it.

[Christina P.]

Well, you know, I'm always amazed when I see really fat people that are in shape. Like, I don't get it. Like, why are they still fat if he can do that for hours? Like, what's the deal?

[Ron White]

Yeah, I saw a fat drummer the other day. I'm like, how do you. It's such an active thing to do. And he was so good, you know, he had to do it all the time to be good at something. Like, you know, that. And I guess just.

[Christina P.]

Just eat too much. Yeah, that's the problem. That's why I liked being on the Ozempies, is because I wouldn't chomp, chomp, chomp, chomp. But then again, I wouldn't exercise either. And I wouldn't take a. That's the trifecta problem with the Ozempies. Can't take a shit.

[Ron White]

Yeah, I struggle. I'm on Ozempic.

[Christina P.]

Do you.

[Ron White]

You know, I can get pretty packed up, but, you know, I got another product. I got a shelf full of shit I got to take just to keep it all moving and going and.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, man.

[Ron White]

And. But then I still. I. I swear, I swear I've never looked this bad before. It's something about the. I look like Willie now. I look like I'm 91 years old, and I'm only. I'm not very old.

[Christina P.]

That's. But that's the fun part about aging is you. You think you look great, and then you catch yourself in a monitor or a clip of yourself and you're like, oh, Jesus Christ. God.

[Ron White]

Oh, why does anybody. Me, ever.

[Christina P.]

Anybody love me? I'm so unlovable. Horrible. All right. Oh, I was gonna say. Oh. Have you done this with chicks? Since you're pretty experienced lover. I don't know if you're. If you've ever done this.

[Ron White]

No, but I would.

[Christina P.]

It's an energy sex.

[Ron White]

Do you have to have him come over and do it or are they teaching other people how to do it? I mean. Because I think my girlfriend and I are quite active.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I imagine you require a lot of sexual activity. Well, that's my. That's when I'm a little nervous. When I marry you after Tom dies, I'm not so sure I can keep up with your needs.

[Ron White]

I like to. I like to. I like to bang. I tell you what I do, and so you'll have to, you know, bite a piece of wood or whatever.

[Christina P.]

Find a piece of wood. Can't you buy me a strap or something?

[Ron White]

No wood.

[Christina P.]

Come on.

[Ron White]

Well, it depends on how you do in the divorce. Oh, Tom's dad. You have it all. You have it all.

[Christina P.]

I don't need your money.

[Ron White]

Oh, that's right.

[Christina P.]

This is a love match now. I don't need your shit. My own. Wait now, how many are you banging every day? What? Walk me through your needs.

[Ron White]

And that's just the beginning to kill me for even saying this.

[Christina P.]

She's not listening to this. She can't. She's not listening. She doesn't know who the show is.

[Ron White]

Yeah, nobody is. Except a couple of mommies. And, you know, at least. At least, at least twice a day and, you know, some days. Three times a day.

[Christina P.]

For how long? Okay, this is the beginning of your relationship. So that's when it's hot.

[Ron White]

Yeah, right.

[Christina P.]

I get that now.

[Ron White]

Are you telling me, like, talking about yesterday?

[Christina P.]

Sure, sure. But like in two, three, three, five years from now, is it still going to be three times a day?

[Ron White]

No, I mean, it won't, but. But for those first few years, you know, your first few years, you're gonna have to fight the wood. And. And I don't mean to get bad head either. And.

[Christina P.]

Okay, so I have to. We gotta do everything. Everything's on the table with you or whatever. Anal.

[Ron White]

Yeah, buddy, you just made a horse noise.

[Christina P.]

I know. I was. You stressing me out. I was sweating already. I don't know if I could do that.

[Ron White]

No, nothing's on the table. Whatever you want.

[Christina P.]

Anal. I can't do anal. I can't do anal. Hold on. Tom wants to chime in. Tom wants to chime in. Hold on. He's calling in.

[C]

Show him your tits right now. You need me here. That's what you need.

[Ron White]

You need me here.

[Christina P.]

Oh, my God.

[C]

That's the.

[Ron White]

Was that.

[C]

I think that's good podcasting.

[Christina P.]

It's my husband telling me I'm doing a bad job.

[Ron White]

No wonder you like me so much. I'm nicer to you.

[Christina P.]

I definitely know. He's so hurtful. Anal every day. Anal. No, that's like. That's a sometimes treat, right?

[Ron White]

Birthdays and anniversary.

[Christina P.]

Oh, that's a. That's a nothing burger.

[Ron White]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's fine. Yanny.

[Ron White]

What?

[Christina P.]

What? Any weird kinks? I got in.

[Ron White]

Bite the wood. They've got Novocaine, I think for something. I don't know.

[Christina P.]

Here. Listen, I don't know if you like this place.

[D]

You have nothing to lose when you come to Cracker Barrel, but everything to gain. There's so many things you can gain from Cracker Barrel. Great food, great hospitality heroes, great ambassadors, great managers who will be there for every need you have. So remember, you can never go wrong when you go to Cracker Barrel. Make Cracker Barrel your dining choice. It's America's number one choice. Go to Cracker Barrel and celebrate. You can't go wrong.

[Christina P.]

Well, has he convinced you?

[Ron White]

Well, I didn't really need convincing because early in my road days when Cracker Barrel was new and there weren't very many of them. They were. I mean, they're still a good break.

[Christina P.]

So good.

[Ron White]

Yeah. And. But even back then, it seemed like, you know, it was just Waffle House, which I like.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. I like waffles.

[Ron White]

And. But I would see a. I wouldn't know they were coming because I didn't know where they were. You know, I'm just out on the road going to Hillsboro. Some state.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

And I. And they were mostly in Tennessee, I think, and. And I was like, oh, I remember one time I threw. I'd just eaten the shitty meal and I saw a Cracker Barrel sign. I threw up in the bathroom and went in there so I could eat again. And I didn't have a lot of money. I had no money, but I just. But, yeah, I did.

[Christina P.]

Because you wanted to eat a proper meal.

[Ron White]

I wanted to eat that Cracker Barrel breakfast sausage that Hash browns with the cheese. And now I'm a walking commercial.

[D]

It seems like there's not enough hours in a day, but I want to let you know one thing. There's enough hours to go to Cracker Barrel. You can go to Cracker Barrel any time of day. At seven o', clock, we open. We have great breakfast, dinner and lunch. We have so many great desserts.

[Ron White]

We have a puking booth.

[Christina P.]

You're like the Greeks. That's what the Greeks would do. The vomitoriums. They enjoy eating so much that they would eat, puke, and then eat again. Now, if I didn't have.

[Ron White]

They wouldn't eat puke. They would eat.

[Christina P.]

They would eat, comma, puke, eat vomit.

[Ron White]

Children, and then start over and then.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. So that's always been my fantasy. If I didn't have a puke phobia. Because sometimes you eat a meal on the road and you're so angry that you consume that. You know, you're so disgusted and you're like, God damn it, I. I've wanted to do that to vomit and then go somewhere good. But you've lived my dream.

[Ron White]

Yeah, in a gas station bathroom. I lived your dream. Live small of throwing it. But I'll tell you what they did do.

[Christina P.]

Sure.

[Ron White]

I was in because we. We stop at them all the time, you know, tour bus, room for the bus out back. And. Yeah, my crew. And, and. But this time it was just me and my bus driver for some reason. And they came in, they. They handed me a ticket with zero written on it. And they said, we have a policy when entertainers come, we pick up their tab. And then they handed my bus driver a bill for $14. And I'm like, what is this, like a Feed the Rich program?

[Christina P.]

I know, that's cool.

[Ron White]

We've decided who really doesn't need it the most.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Ron White]

And just give them some food. Well, what a weird way to be.

[Christina P.]

You know, that is true. When I was poor, companies weren't sending me boxes of cosmetics.

[Ron White]

Nobody gets free shit like rich people.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Ron White]

And first time I heard somebody say that, it was Jeff Foxworthy's bro. Jeff was unwrapping a brand new hunting rifle that would have been $3,000 that his brother could have never dreamed of, you know, of getting. But it's. It's true. I know the stuff they send Rogan, man, you could open a store and live like a king, just. Just reselling his stuff that he genuinely.

[Christina P.]

Doesn'T want, you know, I mean, I try to be. I give it. I Give stuff away a lot to people, you know, try to be cognizant of that. But then some people are so good at sending swag. Do you know who Mr. Beast is? The famous YouTuber that gives away money. And he gives away money. And my kids absolutely love Mr. Beast. So shout out to Mr. Beast because he will send us boxes of the Feastables and all that stuff. And my kids just go nuts.

[Ron White]

Oh, nobody needs more than your children.

[Christina P.]

They're so poor and.

[Ron White]

Oh, wow.

[Christina P.]

Unfortunate children. Yeah, so. But, I mean, that's cool, right? Hold on. I have to show you one more thing. I'm so excited about this. Have you heard about.

[Ron White]

What made you think, what is this guy entering a contest of who can say the most nice shit about. About Cracker Barrel? Is that what that was? Because that wasn't a professional commercial of any kind.

[Christina P.]

No, but here's the thing. Does he work there? Because he's got the apron and the colors on.

[Ron White]

Is one of the stars falling off? I don't understand. Or is that all. That's all part of the apron. He's. I thought he was holding a mug. So funny. But. Okay, I got it. I got it. I understand it all now.

[Christina P.]

I love Cracker Bro. And then they sell you the Christmas ornaments and all the. In the store and. Oh, it's so good.

[Ron White]

Yeah. And they've always got a really good root beer in that ice by the, you know, right by the podium, little preacher stand.

[Christina P.]

And I like the tchotchkes, too, on the wall, you know, I used to.

[Ron White]

Rent books from them because you could rent books on tape and then play them on your way to the next Cracker Barrel and then turn them in and get a new book.

[Christina P.]

Stop.

[Ron White]

Like three bucks or something. Yeah, no, that was my whole existence. I had a big custom van and. And I was just. My son was like two and a half and he's in a play school car seat right next to me. I fought for joint custody, but, I mean, there are times you don't need 50, you know. Percent because they. And I was so shocked that they just gave them to me.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Ron White]

And like, oh, yeah, here you go. Two and a half year old baby. I'm like, I don't know what to do. I've been gone for two and a half years that he got to be two and a half and. But we made it fine. I would take him to comedy clubs and hand him to a waitress and just don't give him any beer. I'll be back in 45 minutes.

[Christina P.]

That's amazing.

[Ron White]

That's just. He actually one time he goes. He was about 4, and so we've been doing it for a while, and we're at this club and I said. I said, okay, we gotta go to the club. And he goes, dad. Because every once in a while, it was cute to bring him on stage and get some laughs. And he goes, I want to go to. I want to go to the club, but I don't want to go on stage. I just want to sit in a green room. And I said, this club doesn't have a green room. And he goes, oh, it's a funny bone.

[Christina P.]

Wowzer.

[Ron White]

He was already club hip.

[Christina P.]

That's so funny.

[Ron White]

It's a funny bone.

[Christina P.]

That's true. You'd have to sit in, like, the. The office of the manager or something. Yeah, that sucked.

[Ron White]

Another new stapler to play with here. You're my stapler.

[Christina P.]

Poor servers are having to go around you to get into the showroom and stuff.

[Ron White]

Everybody's in the way at the comedy club.

[Christina P.]

Yes. Yeah. Yeah. My kids haven't done. I've showed them the inside of mothership a little, but we've. We've seen Tom when he'll do big venues like arenas, and we'll let them do the sound check where they, like, scream into the mic. And that's pretty cool. But that's special, though. I think that's really unique because it becomes normal for them because the kids don't even care that we're. Who. Whatever. Doing what we do. Yeah, they don't give a. They just want you to love them.

[Ron White]

That's all. That's all.

[Christina P.]

They don't think we're special.

[Ron White]

And my son and I, well, you know, we're. We're really close.

[Christina P.]

He's awesome. He turned out great, by the way.

[Ron White]

Wonderful, wonderful human being. My favorite person. And. And we're all. We're all still friends. Mom lives in Bastrop, and her husband, who's one of my favorite people in the world, you know, that's a big component of your life, is who's that stepdad gonna end up being? And you know that. That contest I fucking won.

[Christina P.]

That's great.

[Ron White]

It couldn't have been somebody better than him. So I've always been real grateful, real careful with those relationships, you know?

[Christina P.]

Did your. Did your mother get remarried?

[Ron White]

She did, and she was remarried for a long, long time. I mean, for, I think, like 30 years before he died. And then. And then she just passed. Year, Year and a half ago.

[Christina P.]

I remember. Yeah. Sorry. I know you liked her a lot. You loved her.

[Ron White]

So sad. I know, buddy, so sad. But you know, it's what you lose is part of your memory, you know, and you know, finding somebody that gives a fuck about your story, you know, besides your, you know, your mother, so. And my father died really young, so 51.

[Christina P.]

Well, how did he die?

[Ron White]

He had all, just all kinds of big health problems. He worked in a carbon black plant in the panhandle of Texas that every day come home just covered from head to toe with just this black powder that's fucking. And I'm sure it wasn't very good for you.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Ron White]

And so, but you know, and his dad died at 61, so I'm 68, so. Which sounds kind of old when you start talking about their numbers, you know, but so far I've outlived them all. And I feel great.

[Christina P.]

I was gonna say you've got like the, the lottery of genetics then that's pretty great.

[Ron White]

Was almost 90 and 89 when she, when she passed, so, you know, that's not too bad.

[Christina P.]

It's awesome.

[Ron White]

You know, I have a few summers, you know, that, that I'm maybe mobile or whatever, so I'm. And I'm having a good time, you know. I still love, love, love, love doing stand up more than ever, I think. And I, and I think I'm. I think I'm better at it. I would than I was. And. And I was always pretty good at it and. But it just seems different now, you know, just having fun down at the mothership. And I don't do that back breaking road stuff that Tom's doing. I did that for a long, long time. 140 cities, you know, and so I, and I always did that because I thought it was going to end, you know, because that's what these things do, right? They come to a screeching halt and nobody gives a fiddler's about you anymore. But for some reason it just didn't. It just didn't quit, you know, and.

[Christina P.]

Babe, it's not for some reason. It's because you are, you know, you are. You've always been masterful. Okay, I'm gonna, I'm gonna blow smoke up your skirt a little bit.

[Ron White]

I love smoke.

[Christina P.]

I know you do. I know you do, but I was setting you up. I love you so much. I would study you when I, you know, for many years. I would just.

[Ron White]

Your old.

[Christina P.]

Stand up and just watch your stillness. My God, I think you are the master at stillness. You know, you hold your cigar back in the day. The whiskey glass, and you just set it up and you let the pin out, and then boom. And it's really hard to cultivate that confidence and stillness. And I remember one time, I don't know if you remember, you said this to me in the green room. You go, christina, if. If you're doing bad, slow down. If you're doing good, slow down. And that has stuck with me. You told me that maybe, like, two years ago, and I always remember it. How the. Are you this. Were you this confident and still?

[Ron White]

You know, I've. I've been. I've been doing this for 38 years. And. And I. I found out I was talking about this, oddly enough, in the green room last night, because sometimes I'm Father Time up there, and the. And the young ones that gather around and I'll tell them stories by the fire. But I had. I. I put on a character more early in my career just because I didn't know, you know, I thought I'll sound like, you know, Brother Luther, whatever The. You know, with a thicker accent, like, this isn't enough. And. And I just found over time that the closer I got to who I really am, the more they responded to what I had to say, and. Because anything that's not true to your nature is not interesting to me, but the absolute truth is very interesting if you can get to it, if you can actually be who you really are. So I'm Ron White over here. I just walk over here, and I'm just. If I can do that. And it's so hard just to let it all go and just be yourself now at the same time, I'm doing a very planned show. Right. So it looks like I'm just out there chatting because I deliver it like I'm talking to one person.

[Christina P.]

Yes. That is the essence of it, too. That's the brilliance. Yep.

[Ron White]

So. And. And also, I don't know another way to do it. You know, I couldn't do what other comics do, but if I tried to, it would for sure be uninteresting because it wouldn't be my nature. And not that I say everything I say is true. Not that anything I say is true, but I don't put on any pretense that I'm something other than what I am basically morally, you know, actively, whatever, you know, and quite frankly, I'm okay with it. And so I like myself fine.

[Christina P.]

Well. And just, you know, so people do. I've gotten to know you a little bit personally in the last few years, and you are fantastic. You are actually, you know, if you think he's cool on stage, he's even cooler off stage. Like I, I just think you're fantastic. But you're right. You know what I love best about watching your actual. Is what a degenerate you are on stage. And. But it doesn't. It's hard for, for men to do it without coming across as gross or creepy. And you don't skeeve women out. You know, it's almost endearing. You're like, oh, isn't that funny that he's a pervert? Like, that's so sweet. This guy's a total pervert. I love him. It makes you, it makes somebody like you more.

[Ron White]

It's.

[Christina P.]

That's a real skill.

[Ron White]

Yeah, the, the, the. The closing joke is horrible. I mean it's a horrible visual and it's been. People just laugh at it like it's a regular joke and, and, and women and men and they're like, oh, it's so funny that he ass raped a 70 year old woman while he was wearing skates or whatever. Yeah, you know, it's an awful visual and. But boy, I get away with it. I don't. That. I don't know why that I that. But I think that I even before that I do say in, in my show that I love women my age and, and I, and I do. I find them interesting and, and we like the same music and you know, so. And even Angela I thought was too young for me and. But you know, she's. She's. I mean what a. What a catch.

[Christina P.]

Ron, do you like goth music?

[Ron White]

Golf?

[Christina P.]

Goth music?

[Ron White]

Goth?

[Christina P.]

You ever goth G O T H? You ever listen to the Cure? Bauhaus?

[Ron White]

I did. I know some Cure songs probably.

[Christina P.]

That'll look. That'll qualify. Listen, I am so grateful that you're here. Do you have something to plug? What are you doing? Are you on the road?

[Ron White]

Hey, can you pull up the, the poster for that? Just out of curiousness. Curiousness. Curious.

[Christina P.]

I didn't even get to use my new fart mic this episode.

[Ron White]

An Austin artist did that.

[Christina P.]

That's awesome.

[Ron White]

Isn't it? Isn't it fun?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I'm sad. I can do this. I got my surgery for that. We record these things out of time and I'm getting my boobs reconstructed very soon. So that's why we're doing all these episodes. I'm excited. Next time you see me, I'll have a whole new rack. I'll have a tummy tuck.

[Ron White]

Are they gonna like use some your Fat.

[Christina P.]

Use your belly fat to make tits, bro. It's wild. Thank God, right? I want tiny little French girl tits, not the big sloppers I had before.

[Ron White]

Oh, you're gonna be, like, weight, like, 10 pounds lighter, right? You're gonna be faster. You're gonna be climbing trees.

[Christina P.]

Okay. Also, check out the YMH merch store. We have so many items on sale right now. They're not going to last forever. Guys, once these are sold, we're not going to reprint them. So go ahead, check it out, try it out. Buy my lipsticks. I'm wearing a shade right now that I will be selling very soon, in the coming months. And anything else, Runway, any closing thoughts?

[Ron White]

You know, just maybe a little bit about the. Because of the flood. The reconstruction of the flood.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Ron White]

I went down there the day before my vacation. I drove out to hunt and to ground zero, right where Camp mystic was. And don't. You will not be ready for what you see. And so that is going on, and it'll be going on for a long time. They're digging up cars that are 15ft under gravel in this riverbed. And so encourage the people that are actually trying to physically help to continue to help, because it's going to be here for a long time. And a lot of our volunteers. And so it's. And you can stop the blame game. I'm telling you, I know what happened in this storm, and it's nobody's fault. And if it happened again, that would happen again no matter what we did. So anyway, let it go. Find a way to help.

[Christina P.]

And Ron's got a phone call. We got to go donate money here. Kerr county flood relief fund. And. Yeah, not a positive way to end the show.

[Ron White]

No, it is. Let's let it be.

[Christina P.]

Why don't we do that? Hold on. You know what? Let's go back to here. Let's go back here.

[D]

You have nothing to lose when you come to Cracker Barrel. But everything to gain. There's so many things you can gain.

[Ron White]

All right, we got 28 pounds. That's what I gained. Come on. Bring them on.

[Christina P.]

Oh, guys. And of course. Oh, I'm off the rails. I can't stop him.

[D]

It's America's number one choice.

[Christina P.]

Oh, no.

[Ron White]

They've taken over the studio.

[Christina P.]

All right, this is a good time to end the show. Bye.

[Ron White]

Bye. We don't know what's gonna happen next.

[Christina P.]

I am a Jew. I certainly got something interesting in the middle today. Delta, White Castle. Not bad. What's interesting about this mouse pad? I cannot go off while swirling all over her body. With the mouse, with the mouse, with.

[Ron White]

The mouse, with the mouse, with the mouse, with the mouse, with the mouse, with the mouse.

[Christina P.]

Her pussy is yawning her tissue. It's a fantastic. I certainly wanted my tasting her magnificent ass. I paid $20 for this mouse, B. I'm going to be playing with it. Oh, yeah.

[D]

There's so many things you can gain from Cracker Barrel. Great food, great hospitality, heroes. Go to Cracker Barrel and celebrate. You can't go wrong.