Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS | Your Mom's House Ep. 808

Summary

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Episode 808: "Tom Has Some BAD THOUGHTS"

Release Date: April 30, 2025
Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Hosted By: YMH Studios

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1. Introduction to Current Projects and Events

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura enthusiastically discussing upcoming projects and events. He mentions his "Bad Thoughts" trailer exclusive premiere on Netflix, slated for May 13th, highlighting the collaborative efforts behind its production.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura [30:03]: "Netflix has a new show coming out called Bad Thoughts, and we're thrilled to premiere the trailer exclusively on Your Mom's House."

---

2. Collaboration with Bert Kreischer

Christina and Tom engage in a lively discussion with comedian Bert Kreischer about producing an adult scene for their documentary. They brainstorm ideas for character roles and logistical arrangements, including transportation and pet care.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura [20:20]: "We're producing a doc and working on an adult scene in Vegas with big names like Alexis Fox and a breakout role for Tony Johns. Would you be interested, Bert?"

---

3. Exclusive Premiere of "Bad Thoughts" Trailer

A significant portion of the episode is dedicated to the exclusive first look at the trailer for Bad Thoughts. Tom expresses his excitement about the show's development, the collaborative nature of the project, and the involvement of notable actors and crew members.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura [33:10]: "Seeing all these awful thoughts come to life after 20 years is surreal. We've got incredible talent like Rob Eiler, Kirk Fox, and Daniella Pineda involved."

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4. Personal Anecdotes and Comedic Banter

Christina and Tom share personal stories and engage in humorous banter about various topics, including experiences with alcohol, facial grooming, and celebrity relationships. Their chemistry shines through as they navigate lighthearted and relatable conversations.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P [55:13]: "When I was 13, Jenny Pantlin taught me what a screwdriver was, and we made them in the Jacuzzi."

Tom Segura [60:07]: "I had my first martini last year. It was a game-changer."

---

5. Discussion on Travel Discrimination

The hosts address a listener's experience of discrimination during travel in Thailand, delving into issues of fat phobia and racial discrimination. They empathize with the traveler’s plight and critique the insensitive behavior encountered.

Notable Quote:

Christina P [72:34]: "They laughed at us, calling us 'fat' and 'black,' outright discrimination that no one should face while traveling."

---

6. Insightful Commentary on Aging and Health

Christina and Tom discuss the importance of health and wellness as one ages, referencing personal experiences and observations. They emphasize the role of genetics and lifestyle choices in longevity and overall well-being.

Notable Quotes:

Tom Segura [44:46]: "Once you're 60 and haven’t started taking care of yourself, it might be too late."

Christina P [47:14]: "Living forever? That's the goal, especially when dealing with unpredictable genetics."

---

7. Exploration of Pop Culture and Celebrity News

The hosts delve into recent celebrity news, including Mick Jagger's marriage to his longtime partner Melanie Hamrick. They contrast such relationships with other celebrity partnerships, offering their humorous takes on age differences and relationships in the public eye.

Notable Quote:

Christina P [38:36]: "Mick Jagger marrying Melanie Hamrick at 37 while he's 81 is wild, but at least he's starting a family."

---

8. Closing Remarks and Upcoming Promotions

As the episode wraps up, Christina and Tom promote their upcoming tour and the Bad Thoughts premiere. They encourage listeners to participate in the "Two Bears 5K" event in Tampa, Florida, emphasizing the fun and community aspects of the run.

Notable Quote:

Tom Segura [75:01]: "Don't forget the Two Bears 5K is happening on May 4th in Tampa. It's going to be a blast with music, food, and amazing company."

---

Key Takeaways

• Upcoming Projects: Excitement around the Netflix show Bad Thoughts and collaborative projects with fellow comedians.
• Personal Insights: Honest discussions on aging, health, and personal growth.
• Social Issues: Addressing and empathizing with listener experiences of discrimination.
• Humor and Relatability: The duo maintains their signature comedic style, making the episode both entertaining and meaningful.

Conclusion

Episode 808 of Your Mom's House offers a blend of humor, personal anecdotes, and insightful discussions on social issues and pop culture. Christina P. and Tom Segura showcase their dynamic chemistry while promoting their creative endeavors and engaging with their audience on relevant topics.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

What's up, everybody? My Come Together tour is coming to the Vibrant arena in moline, Illinois on May 8th. Bristol, Virginia at the Hard Rock on May 10th. And then Springfield, Massachusetts at the MassMutual center on May 22nd. Get tickets now at tomsgroh.com tour. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. This episode is brought to you by Lifelock. Not everyone is careful with your personal.

[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

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[Tom Segura]

By visiting lifelock.com podcast terms apply.

[Christina P]

Oh, my fucking c. My can't. Oh, my fucking can't. Can't.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

My can't.

[Christina P]

My can't. Can't. We can't. We can't. Oh, my fucking can't. Can't. We can't. We can't. Can't. We can't. We can't.

[Bert Kreischer]

We can't.

[Christina P]

Oh, my fucking cut.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

Cut.

[Christina P]

My cut. My cut. Cut. My cut, My cut. Oh, my God. We can't cut. We can't. We can't. We can't. We. It's sexy. Best song. Best song ever made.

[Tom Segura]

Really cool.

[Christina P]

And I wish we could have played that at our wedding, but it wasn't made yet.

[Tom Segura]

It wasn't made yet. Jeans and Mike would have been a hit.

[Christina P]

Even the title on that was a banger.

[Tom Segura]

It's really exciting, man.

[Christina P]

Jeans in my.

[Tom Segura]

I remember the clip, too. I remember the clip that she was bound and her head was through one of those things and her. Her arms and legs were bound.

[Christina P]

That old timey torture in the middle of the town square. What is it called, you guys? You know? The stocks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then a cool guy came up behind her and put.

[Christina P]

Yeah, they love that. Why you guys laughing so hard?

[Tom Segura]

He was awesome. He took her to town and then she did the. The post scene interview and she was like, I was awesome.

[Christina P]

Sexy, soft. Saxe.

[Tom Segura]

Saxe.

[Christina P]

I can't be that comfortable to be in the stock. That. This seems like such.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't look comfortable.

[Christina P]

Now this seems like a very common fantasy, though. Yeah, this one makes. It's like intuitive. Not the standing one, obviously, but, you know.

[Tom Segura]

No. Yeah. Somebody just.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That can't fight back, you mean?

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I feel like they probably did have just open on people in the stocks. Right. I'm sure I don't Never read about it.

[Tom Segura]

I think back in that day, there was a lot of things that went down that there wasn't repercussions for.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you something? So I'm into watching Fantasy Island. That old show from the 80s with Mr. Roark and Tattoo.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

The little midget.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I'm sorry. Little person. And it is so funny because people's fantasies are so lame. Like this one couple shows up to Fantasy island and they want to.

[Tom Segura]

You're watching this?

[Christina P]

I love it. I watch it while I'm on the treadmill.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

My mom and I used to watch this every Saturday night in the 80s. Did you watch this with your mom? You never watched this when you're a kid?

[Tom Segura]

Not this.

[Christina P]

Well, see, this is when three years between us makes a difference.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But anyway, mom and I. Saturday night, Fantasy Island. The point of story is there's a couple that comes to the island and they're like, Mr. Rourke. Our fantasy is to live in a more moral time where they don't want to live in the. The depravity. That was 1980.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God, two.

[Christina P]

And Mr. Rourke gives them like a warning like, you may not enjoy it so much as you think. It might be a little, you know, different than you expect. So they're back to puritanical times. They create a village. It's so expensive to go to Fantasy Island. First of all, I don't know how these people are affording it because they. It's a whole thing.

[Tom Segura]

This little fucker was a real rascal. You know that, right?

[Christina P]

Hold on. Can I tell you the point?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So they go back to puritanical times and they're putting people in the stocks and punishing them. And then they decide they don't want.

[Tom Segura]

They don't want that.

[Christina P]

Puritans anymore.

[Tom Segura]

That. That.

[Christina P]

Because life sucks.

[Tom Segura]

Moloto Gay.

[Christina P]

Yes, it fucking. And like, you just. People and just take away.

[Tom Segura]

Got it. You've said it a few times.

[Christina P]

Hold on. There's a. There's a priest in the town. And he. This girl got married when she was 13. And then her husband died at 15. And she's 15 and he wants to bang her. And like, it's so awful.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Yeah, yeah. But these guys were. These two were both knuckleheads. You know that, right?

[Christina P]

I feel like Ricardo Montalban could not. Not get laid because he's so smooth and so handsome.

[Tom Segura]

The little guy. The little guy was a fiery little.

[Christina P]

No, you don't know that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Drinking guns. Yeah, he was. He was a Little.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you know the lps kind of do that. The ones in showbiz?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. They party. They can party.

[Tom Segura]

We just had one here.

[Christina P]

We did Brad, but Brad's not a big part. You know why they.

[Tom Segura]

He was a big party guy.

[Christina P]

But they can't. Because their bodies can't really.

[Tom Segura]

They still party, dude.

[Christina P]

Drinking alcohol.

[Tom Segura]

He used to party pretty hard.

[Christina P]

I know. So did Chewy. Bravo.

[Tom Segura]

But this guy, I think he had a mean streak. This guy.

[Christina P]

Seriously. Can you find any. It's like footage of him yelling at people any. Herve village has stories.

[Tom Segura]

Herve village has.

[Christina P]

It's funny that they both chose Latin people to star in Fantasy Island.

[Tom Segura]

Look at him. You can. He's whacked out of his mind in that picture. Yeah.

[Christina P]

You can't understand a lot of what says. No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

Oh, like his accent, boss. Like he told a little.

[Christina P]

He can't understand what he says. I have to subtitle it because I can't understand what he's saying most of the time.

[Tom Segura]

The sad, tragic ending of Hervey right there. He couldn't overcome his addiction to women.

[Christina P]

Hilarious.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he was a little fucker. A little 3 foot 10, too. Imagine that little shit sticking fingers up your ass. He's behind you. He's like.

[Christina P]

Would you guys stop laughing? You're encouraging him. Don't encourage him.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Christina P]

No, he had to. Can we listen to him speak? He's not. Yeah, it wasn't good. And between him and Montalban, I don't.

[Bert Kreischer]

Know how America I want now.

[Christina P]

Yeah, exactly. A tattoo.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

Good morning, David. Good morning.

[Tom Segura]

Most of his fans. I first met Herve Villache on the screen.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Village films like the One and Only and as tattoo in Fantasy Island. When I came to meet him, I became acquainted with his hangouts like this cafe in Venice, California. He. His many talents and hobbies and his special. He's trying to her for sure.

[Christina P]

Huh?

[Tom Segura]

He's trying to this lady.

[Christina P]

What is he saying?

[Tom Segura]

And how'd you turn to acting? How'd that happen?

[Robert Paul Champagne]

I just answered an ad in a Village Voice, that's a newspaper in New York. And they wanted somebody small to be in a play. So I went.

[Christina P]

He's sweet, though.

[Tom Segura]

Are the rest of your family all normal size when you go normal size?

[Robert Paul Champagne]

To me, I don't know. Yeah, they're all regular size. And I was the only kid to be small in the family. And my father used to be a doctor.

[Christina P]

Dogtail. What?

[Tom Segura]

Dogtail.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's too nice.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

No, it didn't make any Difference to him or to my mother? They just treated me like everybody.

[Tom Segura]

What don't the rest of us understand about life for a man your size? What's different for you?

[Robert Paul Champagne]

I just don't like pity. But it's nothing different. What's different is the attitude of people toward me. They reminds me that I'm smart by the way they act with me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

You know, in the street and I.

[Tom Segura]

Am at the face level with your.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

I have people who I don't know them and they say they ask me personal question like my sex life. How you do it, how you do this. Well, that's not their business because even if you were.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

Regular size, you will not ask a question like that.

[Tom Segura]

W. I know that you've recently gotten divorce.

[Christina P]

Divorce.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And get back on the market. I'm ready to again.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but don't you like how people were just so direct in 1978?

[Robert Paul Champagne]

She's like, I don't like people asking me about my sex life.

[Tom Segura]

You. After I come, I say voila.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he was. But I mean, look, he made the 80s.

[Tom Segura]

Hervey Village was huge, by the way. Ricardo, I just want to tell people real soon here. The 2 Bears 5K is coming up. It's going to be May 4th in Tampa, Florida. 2 Bears5K.com has all the information. I'll be there. All 285 pounds of Bert will be there. We have jelly rolls joining us. We have some other celebs coming by, some of the Bucks players, cheerleaders. Thousands of people have signed up. If you have not, I think you can get everything that you need right there at. At the website2bears5k.com you can run with us in person if you're going to be in Tampa. Or you can run virtually and you can get your metal, your shirt, the whole thing, all the swag, baby. It's going to be a fun filled day. Actually, if you're there, we'll be at Raymond James Stadium where the Bucks play. There's going to be music, food, drinks. There's recovery centers. It's a fun day. So come on out. May 4th in Tampa, Florida.

[Christina P]

You guys are gonna run 5, 000 miles.

[Tom Segura]

5, 000 miles. Isn't that crazy?

[Christina P]

That's terrible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it only takes a few days. It's fine.

[Christina P]

Look at my cool blood draw.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, nice.

[Christina P]

Take it off now. It's only been like an hour.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, let's spurt out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is it?

[Tom Segura]

No, you'll be good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let's see.

[Tom Segura]

Okie dokie. Good job.

[Christina P]

You. Good job. Good job. Your mother okay.

[Tom Segura]

Looking at all right. Okay. They start this show. They start the show.

[Christina P]

Uh oh. I know he's gonna work your ass.

[Tom Segura]

You guys get off your asses and back to work. Come on, man. We're taking a break. Fuck your break. There's 15 cars here that need to be serviced. Now get back to it. Listen here.

[Christina P]

The only thing that needs servicing around here is our cocks. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So get on your knees and beg like a bitch.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Who is Randy? Don't bring anyone.

[Bert Kreischer]

Mother in, please.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura and Christina. Pa.

[Christina P]

Welcome to your mom's house. Ready? What? What? That was a very.

[Tom Segura]

That was so good. What happens next? I want to see the rest of the scene. Do we not have it?

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. Please.

[Tom Segura]

I could probably pull it up. Bro, you gotta find this. Yeah, this is fantastic. This guy, the way he delivered. First of all, the balls of this guy to talk to his boss like that is crazy. But this guy nails this what so good.

[Christina P]

Almost as though he doesn't know they're gay.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, what? Down your knees and beg like a.

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

You out of your mind?

[Christina P]

What? Tom, you do it. What does he say? What's the lead in line? Get on your knees and fucking beg like a bitch. Okay. You get on your knees and beg like a.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

And.

[Tom Segura]

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[Christina P]

Oh, my God. That was so good. You're such a good actor, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. Yeah, thanks very much.

[Christina P]

What? Yeah. I have a feeling he gets on his knees in bed.

[Tom Segura]

What? The fact that he's going to go from this level of just an incredulous look to on his knees with dicks in his mouth.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't believe you.

[Christina P]

Don't buy it.

[Tom Segura]

How's that gonna happen?

[Christina P]

I know. Because it's so. He took it so high emotionally, and there's. He needs to bring it down.

[Tom Segura]

Well, it's. It's great. But I want to know, like, how quickly does he go from that response right to participating?

[Christina P]

I know. And how do we see him change his mind?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What's the evolution?

[Tom Segura]

That's like the scene work I want to see.

[Christina P]

I agree. Yeah, I agree. I agree.

[Tom Segura]

It's really crazy.

[Christina P]

Speaking of scene work, you know Tony Johns? Oh, my God, it's hap. It's hot bunnling got. He has two weeks to make it to Las Vegas.

[Tom Segura]

Can he stay out of trouble for two weeks?

[Christina P]

That's what we're debating. So here's all he has to do in the next two weeks because he has to get his tests. Right. So which means he can't have sex with anybody.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he can. He's just got to be safe.

[Christina P]

That's not gonna happen.

[Tom Segura]

So he's got to be safe. He's got to not get arrested again. He probably should try to find housing.

[Christina P]

Well, that's the thing.

[Tom Segura]

He's asking online for it.

[Christina P]

But hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Just let me crash.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but the reason is he goes to court today. Is that right? Is Cougar there? Cougar knows his whole whereabouts and like. Or what? Or Josh, who knows the. The court date and what? Cougar's the one Cougar knows.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. What's going on with court right now? So he actually. He's in court as we speak right now. Yeah. Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

What if we call him? Any answers? Well, he had.

[Tom Segura]

He had the all time best. The all time best statement about, have you been paying your rent? He goes, I'm not a fudge. A walking atm.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's his reply to are you paying rent? Am I a walking atm? No.

[Christina P]

Does that. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So the fact that, by the way, we love Tony John's, the fact that he thinks this could go any way other than for the home owner, like the landlords.

[Christina P]

But here's the deal, man. You know, New York, it has those laws, like squatters rights laws. It's a lot harder to evict people like in California.

[Tom Segura]

But they've gone through the process, though. Like they. They went through the long process because he's shown the documentation. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

I'm thinking New York might give him like a 30 day grace period, which will get him to Vegas at least. So what else? Cougar? What?

[Tom Segura]

He's got to pack his bags when he goes to Vegas. He should plan on. And then he's like, oh, but I love Auburn. Like, what the fuck?

[Christina P]

Well, you know why we figured out he loves Auburn is because he's kind of known as like the village knucklehead. Do you know, I mean, like Cougar was telling me, tell them about the cops.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. So according to him, usually whenever he gets arrested. Usually, yes, the cops are always excited to see them because apparently most of the cops in the Auburn PD are YMH fans. Oh, cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Shout out to Auburn pd.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but I also think that, listen, I think that Tony Johns is a bit of a local menace, right? He's not necessarily a bit. He's not a malicious guy, but he's a mess and I bet you the whole village knows that. Oh, here he comes. He's gonna jerk off in the bathroom again. Here comes Tony. So they kinda, you know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I want him to get. I want him to just stay on the path. Let's just get him to Vegas, start his scene work. Get him working.

[Christina P]

Don't get arrested.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. Now the real question is, are we gonna be able to add the RPC to this scene? I really want.

[Christina P]

This is the question everybody's been wondering.

[Tom Segura]

Can we give him a call? Can we. Can we call RPC and see if. If he's open to his. I know he's an actor. He's made it clear that he does work in this business.

[Christina P]

Also, keep in mind, we've tried calling him every week for the last three.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But we only tried three of his six numbers. We should try them all. You don't want to just call one per. Like one or three phone numbers for somebody.

[Christina P]

How do these cool guys have multiple.

[Tom Segura]

How do they memorize? They barely can spell their names.

[Christina P]

I don't know.

[Tom Segura]

They're like, just.

[Christina P]

How can they afford, like, four lines?

[Tom Segura]

I have no.

[Christina P]

I have one phone number.

[Tom Segura]

I have no idea. I don't even know the number. I don't know the numbers. I don't know our phone numbers.

[Christina P]

I don't know our phone numbers. No, I know mine. I don't know yours.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. No idea.

[Christina P]

No. Please leave your message.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah. What are you doing, man? Call the other numbers.

[Christina P]

Jesus. What are you, dumb. Josh.

[Tom Segura]

God. Obviously, call stupid. Call all the numbers. True. We literally have them in our phone as RPC1, RPC2, RPC3.

[Christina P]

I'm busy right now. I'm Coney Island. I gotta do my shows at Cody Island. Very busy right now.

[Tom Segura]

Making a hat. I'm doing some scenes making a hat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Robert speaking.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, Robert, it's Tom Segura and Christina P. Hi, Robert.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, how are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

Good. How are you, man? Oh, resting. Yeah, Gotta get your rest. How have you been, man?

[Bert Kreischer]

I was trying to do some comedy, but I gotta work it out later on. It's something about. I can't explain a wife of the. Well, have a good explain to it. A wife that's gonna marry. That's gonna marry the president when he's dead. Yeah, trust me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know what you mean.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay, I call Galena.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's fun with that. And we'll get into that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So you're working on that bit. That's fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, I gotta. I got a question for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

What we.

[Tom Segura]

So we are producing a doc and Then working with some people for an adult scene that's shooting in Vegas. It's a big. It's big names, you know, Alexis Fox. It's like the breakout role for Tony John's. Would you be interested in being in a scene like that?

[Bert Kreischer]

What kind of scene?

[Tom Segura]

It's an adult scene. Like a. Like a porno.

[Bert Kreischer]

I would do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. So here's what I'm thinking. I'm thinking, oh, yes. Right now we're going the law enforcement angle. So creatively. Yeah, creatively, yeah. Yeah. So she's gonna play Officer Alexis and. And then Tony Johns is the. Is the male who's been arrested. And we were thinking of. You could be like basically sergeant cum dump who comes in and tells Officer Alexis that this criminal needs to be strip searched and that you need DNA so that she's got to, like, get it out of them. You know what I mean?

[Bert Kreischer]

I get the point. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You feel like you could do that?

[Bert Kreischer]

If I could pull out the air without getting deported by the prisons, I could do that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. So how about getting to Vegas? Would you be cool flying to Vegas?

[Bert Kreischer]

How could I get to Vegas?

[Tom Segura]

Well, we would fly you there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. But here they got. Now I have a cat who will do my cat.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, right, the cat. That's a good question. I don't know. Is there somebody that could watch the cat?

[Bert Kreischer]

The only thing I could do with the cat, if I had, I could bring it to a shelter that could hold them for a few days.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. I mean, that's up to you. I don't want to, you know.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, it's a shelter, but not. They can't keep them. They can hold them for a few days.

[Christina P]

Okay, that's a good idea.

[Tom Segura]

When are we planning on shooting the scene, guys?

[Christina P]

April 25 to 27.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so we would need you in Vegas. April 25 to 27. We would fly you out and put.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, because I have. I have. I will have to go to the shelter and see if they can get them. Get him to just. Just abort him. I don't want them keeping. I mean.

[Tom Segura]

Right, right. Just abort him. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I just got a black Persian cat and I cannot lose him. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, of course. No, we love cats. So we would fly you out there and then we would put you up and then we would. You know, you'd be participating in the scene and obviously you get paid for that. And then you've. You would fly back. Okay. How do you feel about air travel? Like, are you pretty comfortable going to one of the airports to fly to Vegas.

[Bert Kreischer]

I guess a little airplane flip, but as long as I'm not near a window.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. We can get you an aisle seat.

[Christina P]

Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Effect of the cat. The 25th. I can put a little food up because he eats it. I can put food up there because I can leave my home second. So I don't have time to take care of him. You can take care of yourself, right? Take care.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. If you leave some food out for a couple days in the litter box and everything.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

That should be the big cat. Not just to worry about that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. Man, this is super exciting.

[Bert Kreischer]

So the 25th to 27th. Okay. So okay. As long as I get back to get. To get, like get my own check because I got to pay the rent and everything. Oh, and insurance and all that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So, yeah, I mean, you know, this would be great. Men. And you could bring out some. If you have some costumes, stuff for officer cum dump. If you want to bring that. That would be probably helpful.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, kind of like almost. His hat and his stuff like that. His hat. And I used to have a uniform. Someone stole the uniform on me, believe it or not.

[Tom Segura]

Jesus Christ. We can get you a new uniform.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Christina P]

I had.

[Bert Kreischer]

I had drag queen that stole it on me. And I tried to get. Get a hold of her and she's other. I know she stole the uniform.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

[Christina P]

Hey, can I ask you, have you had any black guys come around lately?

[Bert Kreischer]

I had one here. But I tried being nice to him and try to help him out. And he drank. Well, expensive brandy. Oh, champagne and everything else. And just. And he was just a drunk and a drug addict. I said, get the fuck out. I just take them out.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, shit.

[Christina P]

Did you at least get to, you know, have sex with him before?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, he was a bottom and he was the worst thing in the fucking world.

[Christina P]

Oh, sorry.

[Tom Segura]

Damn. When I was young, I used to dream of being anything. A doctor, the president, a scientist. But as you get older, your dreams change, focusing less on running the world and more on how you can take your skills and ideas and turn them into something real. Instead of dreaming of going to space or owning your own castle, maybe you start dreaming of owning your own business. You'll need a website, a payment system, a logo, and a way to advertise to new customers. Can all be overwhelming and confusing. But thankfully, that is where today's sponsor, Shopify comes in. Shopify is the commerce platform behind millions of businesses around the world. And 10% of all e commerce in the US from household names like Mattel and Gymshark to brands just getting started. Turn those dreams into a Cha Ching and give them the best shot at success with Shopify. Sign up for your $1 per month trial and start selling today at shopify.com mom's house. Go to shopify.com momshouse shopify.com momshouse Cha Ching this show is sponsored by Liquid IV. I mean, this summer, there's all kinds of things I want to do. But one thing I know I'm going to be doing is sweating. A lot. It's so goddamn hot here. Prepping for a big summer means planning to stay hydrated so you can get the most out of your body and live more during those warm summer months. And you got to pump your body, I'm telling you, full of these electrolytes. And there's no better source than Liquid iv. From acai berry and lemon lime to pina colada. Find all your favorite hydration multiplier flavors in one place. Craving something lighter? Try their sugar free lineup. Raspberry lemonade, White peach Rainbow sherbet. Keeps things fresh without the sugar. Break the mold and own your ritual. Just one stick and 16 ounces of water hydrates better than water alone. Powered by live hydro science, an optimized blend of electrolytes, essential vitamins and clinically tested nutrients that turn ordinary water into extraordinary hydration. With three times the electrolytes of the leading sports drink and eight essential vitamins, it's hydration that works harder. Always non gmo, vegan, gluten free, dairy free and soy free. Get ready for summer with extraordinary hydration from Liquid IV. Get 20% off your first order of Liquid IV when you go to LiquidIV.com and use the code YMH at checkout. That's 20% off your first order with the code [e-mail].

[Bert Kreischer]

I got a little something. I got my black cat. Well, a black cat. How do I put it? The black cat's like he said, he's bossy in the house. So I got my nail cat. I don't need him anymore. He's done with.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this is super exciting.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh, Robert, this is amazing.

[Tom Segura]

It's going to be a huge scene.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God. I got sq. I put somebody in charge of my insurance, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I have this girl's hands on insurance and I gotta get because I got a shirt. I gotta find some dude to do the strength policy because this girl can't do Insurance, for some reason.

[Tom Segura]

God damn it. Insurance is such a pain in the ass sometimes.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no. Trying to work with her. I tried to. What to do and she's. Well, I'll tell you because she's in Texas, but she seems a good. She's a smart person. But we got discussed by. She don't know what burial things are going to explain to her. This is a long story.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I get it. So the guys will be in touch and we will book all the travel for you and then. Yeah, this will be a super fun thing, man. Thank you so much for.

[Christina P]

Oh, Robert, which phone number is the best for Josh to reach out to you? Could you just, like, answer your phones and stuff?

[Bert Kreischer]

The one you use it now.

[Tom Segura]

This one. Okay.

[Christina P]

This is the number.

[Tom Segura]

Mark this one as the good number, guys.

[Christina P]

So keep a lookout for the phone calls, okay, Robert?

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Long as in the morning like this, we're okay.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

The 25th, 27th. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

All right. Awesome, man. I can't wait. We'll talk to you soon a lot, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, gotcha.

[Christina P]

Bye, sweetie.

[Tom Segura]

Bye. Bye.

[Christina P]

He goes, as long as it's in the morning like this. It's like 12:30 his time.

[Tom Segura]

It's later than that, I believe.

[Christina P]

It's not the morning remotely. He's just resting.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's one. It's 107 there.

[Christina P]

He's resting. Did he always have a cat?

[Tom Segura]

I don't think so. He's. I've never heard him really talk about the cat before.

[Christina P]

Me neither. That was never a concern.

[Tom Segura]

But it went from all boarding, the. Boarding the cat to like, it'll be fine here. I'm like, yeah, good.

[Christina P]

Well, this is very exciting.

[Tom Segura]

This is very exciting.

[Christina P]

Did you ever, in your wildest dreams, imagine Tony Johns with Robert Paul Champagne and Alexis Fox?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, Officer Cum Dump getting a real role. Yeah, it's really cool.

[Christina P]

So good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, babe.

[Christina P]

We're making so many dreams come true.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Christina P]

I can't believe it.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of big news, we have a Y Meish exclusive. I should probably treat it with the respect that it deserves. Are your mom's house exclusive? You smelt it here first. It's true. Netflix, the streaming platform, has. I have a new show coming out called Bad Thoughts, and it's going to come out on May 13, so I hope you all will check it out. So far, the teaser has dropped, but now the full trailer is coming out, and the good people at Netflix have allowed us to debut the trailer first.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

So we get to play it before anybody else. So we're gonna go full screen, we're gonna mute the mics, and we're gonna let you watch the trailer. And then we will come back and we'll talk about it.

[Christina P]

Awesome.

[Tom Segura]

So here you go. It is the world exclusive premiere of the new trailer for Bad thoughts, coming out May 13th on Netflix. And hey, you go. You got 24 hours. Agent 6. Don't get yourself killed. It's a job. I only have one rule. No women, no children.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think I'm going out of my head.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

Yes. I think I'm going out of my.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a global country superstar who's lost his mojo. So he decided to kidnap his fans. Force to live in a poor people town, make them share their deepest, darkest traumas so I can put it in the hit songs.

[Christina P]

My mother died in 9, 11.

[Tom Segura]

Ooh, I like that. Get this. Starving of shrimp, large iced coffee, and just a slash of whole milk.

[Christina P]

Next.

[Tom Segura]

Could you just remake this with less milk? Less milk. I'm a professional barista.

[Christina P]

I know what a fucking splash is.

[Tom Segura]

Think of this as a conversation to.

[Christina P]

Get to the truth.

[Tom Segura]

Mount me, big boy. Want to get to the real stuff.

[Christina P]

He's clearly using that headset for virtual reality porn.

[Tom Segura]

I have severe carpal tunnel. Slick stuff.

[Christina P]

You're a terrible person.

[Tom Segura]

Brawl stuff. Welcome to the party.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

There's no better feeling than killing the enemy.

[Tom Segura]

You know we have to transfer schools, right? Of course. I am exhausted.

[Bert Kreischer]

You killed three people.

[Tom Segura]

I know. I don't know how you guys do it. And there you go.

[Christina P]

Yeah. It's so good.

[Tom Segura]

It's a good trailer.

[Christina P]

It's so good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we're stoked, babe.

[Christina P]

This show's so great.

[Tom Segura]

It's really exciting.

[Christina P]

I'm so stoked. I've watched you go through the whole process.

[Tom Segura]

You've spared no expense, the writing to the whole production of it, and now we've been in post for months, and now it gets to come out. So we're super excited for it.

[Christina P]

So good.

[Tom Segura]

We'll have a premiere in another. Well, the premiere is actually May 6th, right? No. Yeah, it's May 6th. Yeah.

[Christina P]

So excited.

[Tom Segura]

Coming up in, like, a few days.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But so many people, you know, work so hard. And I think that's the thing you realize, too, when you actually get to do a project like this is you're like, oh, man. This is truly a collaborative experience. Like, there's so many people involved. So many. And they all. They all bust their ass. Everybody tries. That's the other thing is you're like, man, even when a show comes out and like, because you don't know how a show is going to be received, I don't know what. But you're like, man, people really try. They really try. Everyone tries their best to make the best thing possible.

[Christina P]

Definitely.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, it also matters, the team that you've assembled. You really found some like minded weirdos to work on this with you top to bottom. You could see Rob Eiler is in that. Yeah, there's a lot of stars, a lot of people.

[Tom Segura]

Rob Eiler's in it. Kirk Fox is in it. Daniella Pineda's in it. Johnny Pemberton's in it. I'm forgetting tons of people.

[Christina P]

Tons of people.

[Tom Segura]

Dan Stevens is in it. Who else? Alan Rachel's in it.

[Christina P]

Shea Wiggum.

[Tom Segura]

Shea Wiggum's in it. Which is unbelievable.

[Christina P]

I mean, you got.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we got so many heavy hitters.

[Christina P]

We did so good. And you know what's great too is these thoughts, these awful thoughts have been marinating as long as I've known you.

[Tom Segura]

You just said that to me.

[Christina P]

And it's so cool to see them now out there in the world. Like there's so many jokes and so many ideas that are in there from.

[Tom Segura]

20 years nuggets have been there. So. Yeah, yeah, it's true.

[Christina P]

Cool that you got to do them all. And it looks fucking amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I got to give credit to Nico. Our DP was just unbelievable in it. And then the writers, Rami His Jeremy Connor Zimmerman and Gerard Connor Galvin were amazing. Greg Tuchulescu who also helped us. Yeah, it was like. It was a huge, huge collaborative effort. I. I got to direct a few of these, which was a huge win for me, something I always wanted to do. So I directed three of the stories. So we'll get into that more when the show comes out.

[Christina P]

But also some, you know, little YMH Easter eggs.

[Tom Segura]

There's some Easter eggs in there, which.

[Christina P]

Is so fun that we got to where you got to put.

[Tom Segura]

I like that some people were like, oh, you have to be a YMH insider to get this. Like, not at all. No, zero percent.

[Christina P]

But it helps. It helps to have the same sensibility.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure.

[Christina P]

Humor.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But none of them are contingent upon understanding an inside joke.

[Christina P]

No, no, no. But if you're a fan, you'll be happy to see some stuff in there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So, yeah, again, that's the full trailer. Show comes out May 13th. I hope you watch it. I hope you tell people to watch It. We couldn't be happier about it.

[Christina P]

Yeah. There you go.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Tanner found the full gay auto mechanic scene.

[Christina P]

But before that, can I just plug my lipsticks? Get it in time for mother's day.

[Tom Segura]

It's a great thing to put on your lips before you blow a guy.

[Christina P]

Yep. Christinap.com get all four colors. Get the perfect four. Buy it now in time for Mother's day. Get them right now, right now, right now.

[Tom Segura]

Get them right now, right now, right now, right now.

[Christina P]

Are we really gonna watch the full gay scene? I'm so excited.

[Tom Segura]

What? I just want to see what happens. Like, what happens here.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

It's a mystery.

[Tom Segura]

It's called greased up. Okay. Where does it go from here?

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

We've been working our ass. You guys get off your asses and back to work.

[Christina P]

Come on, man.

[Tom Segura]

We're taking a break. Yeah. Resting.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's 15 cars here that need to be serviced.

[Tom Segura]

Now get back to it. Listen here. The only thing needs service around here is our cocks. So get on your knees and beg like a What?

[Bert Kreischer]

You're fired.

[Tom Segura]

You can't fire us. Our buck. Without us, this place would fold. Oh, that's a good comeback. Right away.

[Christina P]

Oh. So he forces him. That's how he gets him. Because we were wondering how.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus.

[Christina P]

But Tom and I are wondering how he goes from what to sucking his.

[Tom Segura]

D. It was pretty fast.

[Christina P]

He forced his head down.

[Tom Segura]

It was pretty quick.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Wow. That was so sudden. It was like, dude, they. I feel like we missed a few beats here.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, Tanner. Appreciate you doing the research. Yeah. I mean, he really just went from what? And then they pulled him down by his tie.

[Christina P]

So it was involuntary. It looked like there.

[Tom Segura]

He doesn't want to be there. You can tell. He's like, I run a business. I'm trying to run this mechanic shop.

[Christina P]

Well, now all three of them are banging in and all those cars.

[Tom Segura]

No cars are getting serviced now. So it actually, he was right. They really should get back to work.

[Christina P]

Yeah. So true.

[Tom Segura]

It's really interesting.

[Christina P]

I don't know about this mechanic shop.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't know about taking my car here. I'd like if you could find out the name of the place. I'd like to avoid it, cuz they don't actually work. They're just all.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Not cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There's. That's right. All these workplace orgies and stuff. Getting away.

[Tom Segura]

It's pretty cool, man.

[Christina P]

It is pretty cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Christina P]

Speaking of cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Have you seen our homeboy from The Rolling Stones. Mick Jagger got married.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, nice.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You want to check out his bride?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, let's see her.

[Christina P]

Do you want to guess how old she is?

[Tom Segura]

72.

[Christina P]

No, silly. He's 81 and she is 37.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. That works, right? Yeah. Let's see.

[Christina P]

Do you have the cool guy riff we can play?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Christina P]

Yeah. This is so cool. They look so happy together.

[Tom Segura]

They do.

[Christina P]

He's.

[Tom Segura]

Well, he's engaged to his longtime partner.

[Christina P]

How long could it have been?

[Tom Segura]

Melanie Hamrick?

[Christina P]

I mean, how long?

[Tom Segura]

He looks happy as there.

[Christina P]

No, he's always. He's Mick Jagger. But, hey, good for him. At least he's marrying her and he can have kids. There's nothing worse than when a guy just uses up your best years and then spits you out. Yeah, like he took her best fertile years, but then he's. He's going to knock her up, right?

[Tom Segura]

I would think so. Has she had a kid?

[Christina P]

I don't know. Let's do some research.

[Tom Segura]

Melanie Hamrick. Let's see. Melanie Hamrick.

[Christina P]

Maybe she has children.

[Tom Segura]

Has one child named Devereaux.

[Christina P]

With Mick Jagger?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They welcomed him in 2016. Oh, that kid's almost 10.

[Christina P]

So they. They. That is a longtime partner.

[Tom Segura]

That's Jagger's eighth kid. Yeah. Oh, they've been in a relationship since 2014.

[Christina P]

They. But you know what? He hasn't been sure about her this whole time, so.

[Tom Segura]

They were decades. She was 26.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So that is the best fertile years. But he gave. But he gave her a kid.

[Christina P]

Made an honest woman out of her. Why do you think it took him an entire. Like he was on the fence for a decade with this guy?

[Tom Segura]

I'm pretty busy. I do a lot of. I don't know, man. This could go either way. You know what I mean? I don't want to lock into something.

[Christina P]

I mean, let's be k. You are replaceable.

[Tom Segura]

You ain't. You ain't. I'm not reliable, and neither are you.

[Christina P]

Any sinner thoughts?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's so cool. For sure, man.

[Christina P]

But. But real talk.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, real talk. What's up?

[Christina P]

Can I. Can I. Can I talk to you for a second?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, man.

[Christina P]

I want to be. I want you to be brutally honest with me. With dudes like that dragging their asses for a decade on a woman. What the Is wrong? What is going on there?

[Tom Segura]

They. They're not sure.

[Christina P]

They're not sure about her or not sure they want to be married or both?

[Tom Segura]

Both, probably more just. I don't know if I want to Be married, I think.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because I think that's real scary for some dudes. It's really, really scary.

[Christina P]

Just have one be.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So they, I mean, you got to actually give credit. Like they're not marrying them and it's, that's the decision. Like it's, it's clear.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If he's not asking you to get married and you're cool with it, then that's fine.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, that's fine. Yeah, yeah, I know. But if you're abroad that like wants.

[Tom Segura]

To have kids, I mean, a lot of chicks, we'll tell them a lot. You see it all the time. Women go, hey, if you're not going to marry me, then I'm out of here.

[Christina P]

Which is what they should do is just get out of there if you want to have children and the whole thing. So. So Mick Jagger is a cool guy marrying his 37 year old longtime partner. They started when they were 26, he's 81. On the flip side of this, you have an actual cool guy, like, I mean a genuine person like Keanu Reeves.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Who is dating an age appropriate woman.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And he gets so much shit.

[Tom Segura]

Does he get a lot of shit?

[Christina P]

Yes. Like online people are like, oh my God, she's got gray hair.

[Tom Segura]

She's so old.

[Christina P]

And it's like. Well, yeah, it's age appropriate. That's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Who you.

[Tom Segura]

She looks lovely though.

[Christina P]

She's. She's great. And there's pictures of them eating in restaurants, like laughing and having the best time and yeah. Like he. They're very happy.

[Tom Segura]

They look happy. They look good.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How old is she?

[Christina P]

I don't know how old is, how old is she?

[Tom Segura]

Let's see.

[Christina P]

She looks 50, 52. And how old is Canoe?

[Tom Segura]

Canoe's got to be a little older than that. Maybe like he's 60. 60.

[Christina P]

Okay. So that's. She's eight years younger, but that's still the proper ballpark.

[Tom Segura]

Like he's.

[Christina P]

God, he looks so great. He's so fit for 60.

[Tom Segura]

That's wild. That doesn't look like a 60 year old man.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Neither does Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise was just up there. Is the age. He's 62.

[Christina P]

But see, Canoe is half Asian, so he's got that Asian blood that keeps you young forever.

[Tom Segura]

They look great.

[Christina P]

They don't age.

[Tom Segura]

They don't age.

[Christina P]

But do you think he's had work?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, a little bit.

[Christina P]

Be a little. Yeah, that's the right amount. Yeah, the right amount.

[Tom Segura]

Movie stars should.

[Christina P]

Absolutely. If you're in a big screen and people are looking at your big dumb head.

[Tom Segura]

He's had it. Cruz has had it.

[Christina P]

Pit.

[Tom Segura]

Pit stops. Had it. They all have little touch ups.

[Christina P]

You know who's had really good work done? Gwinnie Paltrow.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, really?

[Christina P]

She apparently had the bottom lifted. And you can see because the ears, you know that. And then she had the blephs, which is, I'm gonna have my upper bluffs done in July. You guys are gonna get to see me all weird looking. But she looks great. She has the right amount. I'm not gonna do that. I'm just getting my eyelids. My eyelids are drooping. But she looks fantastic. She's just a few years older than me.

[Tom Segura]

When I do it, I'm gonna go full. Full all the way back this up here like this.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm gonna go, hi. It's great to be back on stage.

[Christina P]

Like Liberace, that Liberace movie. When he couldn't close his eyes, snoring.

[Tom Segura]

With his eyes open. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Oh, Tom Cruise looks great too.

[Tom Segura]

He looks. He's 62 years old.

[Christina P]

It's ridiculous. I'm not seeing. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When you look at someone, you're like, that guy's less than a decade from 70.

[Christina P]

Impossible.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

No, he takes good care of himself.

[Tom Segura]

For sure.

[Christina P]

Yeah. All these celebrities, they all get face lips. They're all doing. But he's also to their faces.

[Tom Segura]

He's on top of his nutrition.

[Christina P]

That too.

[Tom Segura]

He has been for decades.

[Christina P]

That too.

[Tom Segura]

He's physically fit. He's really active.

[Christina P]

Because I'll tell you, man, Gen pop, when I was getting my colonoscopy, when I'm in these doctor's offices for all my blood work and all his MRIs and stuff. Yeah, Gen pop does not look good, man. I mean, I'm looking at people in the future and I'm like, this is what happens when you don't take care of your body. And you must start really taking care of yourself in your 40s.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, 40s is where you lay the ground. Crucial. I know. Because once you're 60, it's too late. It's too start.

[Christina P]

You've already got diabetes and. And problems. It's.

[Tom Segura]

If you're 60 and you haven't started, don't start.

[Christina P]

Don't start.

[Tom Segura]

It's too late. Just throw in the towel.

[Christina P]

Keep doing what you're doing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Just well, and I'll tell you.

[Tom Segura]

Message. Quit now.

[Christina P]

Your sister gives your mom shit for, like, drinking or doing things. And I'm like, don't give her shit. She's 80 years old. Let her eat cake and wine for dinner. Who cares?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she's. She's rounding third right now, so it's just like. Let her come. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Who cares? And she's in great health. She doesn't have any health problems.

[Tom Segura]

It's insane. Yeah, it's insane.

[Christina P]

How long do you want her to go? Until 100?

[Tom Segura]

No, just don't even put that out there. God, no. Got a couple years at best.

[Christina P]

And she's in great health, so let her ruin it now. Now's the time, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Don't start eating salads now when you're 80. Eating like a toddler.

[Tom Segura]

First of all, she won't anyway. No, no, I've been trying to. I've been trying to get her to do a daily, casual neighborhood walk for one decade.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

And she's like, I did it two weeks ago. I hate it. I'm like, okay. Hates it. Don't walk then. And then she's like, I can't walk anywhere. I'm like, yeah, okay.

[Christina P]

She did do Pilates with Jane and me, like, two months ago, and she did it. We were afraid that she'd fall off the machine and stuff. Like, everybody was nervous, but she did it.

[Tom Segura]

You should be.

[Christina P]

She hasn't gone back yet, but.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. She's out of her mind.

[Christina P]

Good genetics, though.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy person.

[Christina P]

Let's hope you get.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. She's one of seven, you know?

[Christina P]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

She's the youngest of seven. Most are dead because who's alive? Four are left, so three are dead. It's all men. Oscar, Juan, Luis and Pepe are dead. Some of them died in their 60s.

[Christina P]

Don't. Don't say that.

[Tom Segura]

It's true, but Armando's still alive. He's older than her. Blanca's still alive. She's older. And Marita's still alive, and she's older, so they're all. She has older siblings that are all alive.

[Christina P]

I know. I think about my DNA. Like, I had bad luck with the breast cancer stuff. But my dad, on the other hand, is a roach.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

He never had a green vegetable. Never drink water in his life. Just booze and, like, horseradish and sausage. Yeah, fine, fine, fine.

[Tom Segura]

He's in his late 70s now.

[Christina P]

Yeah, dude, he's gonna be 80s. Fine. I just pray that I get some of that.

[Tom Segura]

It really is a roll of the dice, though, on this, you know? Some of it is all.

[Christina P]

No, all of it is. My oncologist. I was like, hey, what's the common denominator with people you see that have cancer. She goes, nothing, nothing luck. She's like, people who smoke their whole lives won't get lung cancer. Somebody who's never smoked will get lung cancer.

[Tom Segura]

Crazy.

[Christina P]

She goes, actually, the only thing you.

[Tom Segura]

Can do is be a piece of.

[Christina P]

Is be an. She goes, live forever. And I'm like, that's so true.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. You know, we know that. We know that couple in LA where she's younger than him and which one?

[Christina P]

I feel like that's all of la.

[Tom Segura]

No, but these are friends.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And he doesn't look close to his age. And he's like, yeah, this age, like 60ish. And his parents lived into their 90s.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

And so you're like, oh, cuz. You're like, well, you look really good.

[Christina P]

Oh, right. I know which couple you're talking about.

[Tom Segura]

You look really good, man.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, yeah, mom's 96.

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, mom's 96?

[Christina P]

Yep.

[Tom Segura]

Like, yeah, my dad lived to 94. And you're like, oh, okay. There's something in your genetics.

[Christina P]

Yeah, it's totally genetics.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

No, you're just. You're hash blessed or you're not.

[Tom Segura]

You just pushes it into her 90s. I'm going to lose my mind.

[Christina P]

She might, dude, she might.

[Tom Segura]

It's unbelievable. She's been promising to check out for so long now. No, she just keeps.

[Christina P]

Because she's been threatening that like, I'm gonna die soon. Since I've known her for 20 years now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm going to die, dude. I remember being a kid and she was like, I do understand. I'm 45. Yeah, I'm going to die. And I'm like, okay, all right. I'm six. Yeah, thanks for telling me.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah. Put that mortality in your head already as a kid. That doesn't help.

[Tom Segura]

Pretty crazy. This is so funny. One of my favorite comedians is Ms. Pat.

[Christina P]

Oh, she.

[Tom Segura]

And she was on Trick Daddy's pod. They were cooking. This is such a funny exchange.

[Christina P]

How long.

[Bert Kreischer]

How long you been in the game rapping? And I've been.

[Tom Segura]

I've been rapping since 95.

[Christina P]

Did you go to diddy parties?

[Tom Segura]

They.

[Bert Kreischer]

They don't invite no.

[Tom Segura]

Like me at diddy parties, my homeboys would rob that. Tell all them, put your dicks up.

[Bert Kreischer]

And raise your hand and drop your.

[Tom Segura]

Money in your wallet in his basket.

[Bert Kreischer]

I invite no diddy party.

[Tom Segura]

I ain't. I'm not a diddy party party ass.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not that kind of dude.

[Christina P]

I love that Ms. Pat has the Balls to ask that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, of course.

[Christina P]

She's the best.

[Tom Segura]

She'll ask anything. She's gone to a ditty so funny. No, he's like, put your dicks up, we're take your wallets. Which is true. Which is true. You. There's no way Trick Daddy and his crew would go to a dating party. That would never happen. So funny though. I love Ms. Patrick. I think I'm gonna see her. Oh, yeah, I think in New York. When I go to New York, she's gonna be there.

[Christina P]

Yeah, she's great, man. Yeah, we got to get her to move out to Austin when she's got family and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, and then I thought you would like this. Just cuz you like music. You're a cool music fan.

[Christina P]

Oh boy.

[Tom Segura]

Multiple major labels told me that despite my talent, I was still too old in my mid-30s to begin a music career. Well, here's what I say to that. My name is the Rafa and I make music.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Everything is all right. I thought the staff put this together.

[Christina P]

But it's a real clip for people just listening. He's in a day glow bodysuit. And this is his. These are his tunes.

[Tom Segura]

These are his tunes.

[Christina P]

Yeah, this is the guy.

[Tom Segura]

He's not too old.

[Christina P]

He's not too old?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Christina P]

You kidding me?

[Tom Segura]

No way, man.

[Christina P]

He feels fresh as.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, all is forgiven. I wonder if putting that on is what puts him in a musical mood.

[Christina P]

God, probably. That's like his. His outfit, his show up, you know, we all wear on stage. That makes you feel more funny. Yeah, this definitely makes him feel sexier and activated and like rhythmic. Dude.

[Tom Segura]

Dude. Way to go, man.

[Christina P]

Wait, do you think that's true though? That you can't start a music career past 30? Are there any examples of it? I'm trying.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, you can, but Moby.

[Christina P]

Moby's old as.

[Tom Segura]

But he's been making music a long time.

[Christina P]

Even before he broke it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, because that bald already he broke with that album in like 97, 98. That's when that Moby Play album came out. It was like around 98, 99. So that's already 25 plus years ago. He was making music before that. That wasn't his first album. So he was. Yeah, he was doing it.

[Christina P]

Come on. All is forgetting. I like it. It's very catchy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it is cashy.

[Christina P]

And I like. I actually like day glow thing. The glow in the dark shits.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you though, in today's world, you never know. This song could take off on Tick.

[Tom Segura]

Tock You never know.

[Christina P]

And like people could be memeing that. And then he can get a record deal now.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't believe the about. It's too late to do no creative stuff. No. If you want to write, if you want to paint, if you want to like, you should definitely do it it Start.

[Christina P]

Start in your 50s. There are people I follow on tick tock or like elderly people and they're so rad. They come up with crazy stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What are you thinking?

[Tom Segura]

No, I was looking at this thing on the porn.

[Christina P]

No porn about what?

[Tom Segura]

No. What? Suck your guys. Okay.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

All right. You, me and I'll blow him. Fine.

[Christina P]

Okay. What would you do if you had to make like an album now? But you do rap, right? You be raps.

[Tom Segura]

I don't think I could. I'm not so awful. No, I couldn't do that. My interest isn't even in that it would be in production. Like that's the stuff I like.

[Christina P]

What do you mean?

[Tom Segura]

Like making beats even though I can't make one. That's what I like the most, making beats. Well, that's what I enjoy the most is like the production on. In hip hop.

[Christina P]

You'd be like Rick Root, but Rick Rubin.

[Tom Segura]

No, he's a producer. Yeah, like I'm saying, I like what the, like the melod. The beat that you hear.

[Christina P]

Oh, I don't like that at all. I like the lyrics and the words. Because there are songs where the beat is cool, but the words are so dumb. I tap out.

[Tom Segura]

There's a lot of songs like that.

[Christina P]

I can't.

[Tom Segura]

I know. And what I do is I tune out the words and I just listen to the beat.

[Christina P]

You know what you would write a song about? Rugis. You love them so much. I love my rugies. Suck on them all day long.

[Tom Segura]

Rookies in my mouth. I put them in my butt.

[Christina P]

You should put them in your butt.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Well, why you and those rooties? The kids want to try the rugies too.

[Tom Segura]

We should get them.

[Christina P]

I'll let your kids try Rookies.

[Tom Segura]

They already know that babies like to smoke and eat sausage. You know what you brought up the other day that I was thinking about?

[Christina P]

What?

[Tom Segura]

How you learn alcohol drinks at different phases of your life.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

And I was thinking about it because I was like. Like when you order a drink, like I remember learning what a screwdriver was.

[Christina P]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

And feeling so like sophisticated, so grown up. And I'd be like, let me get a screwdriver. And I don't, you know, because it.

[Christina P]

Sounds hard, but it's not. It's just vodka and orange juice.

[Tom Segura]

You're like, yeah, I don't order. I don't say, can I get a vodka and orange juice? Let me get a screwdriver. And the. The night I OD'd.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

When I was a freshman in college, I had 14 screwdrivers.

[Christina P]

14? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. It's part of why. It's part of why I ended up in the hospital.

[Christina P]

Tone.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Did you drink them before you dosed?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I was lit. I was super drunk, and then I dosed, and then I was like, bro.

[Christina P]

You'Re on your way to a significant problem.

[Tom Segura]

I was on my way to the grave.

[Christina P]

Yeah. You were doing 14 mixed drinks after Ecstasy, too.

[Tom Segura]

I took ecstasy. Then I drank those 14 drinks over a few hours, obviously.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah. Just a few hours.

[Tom Segura]

And then I did the ghb. But one of the things I always remember is screwdrivers.

[Christina P]

You were on your way.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And then you learned what was in the seven and seven.

[Christina P]

No, hold on. So screwdrivers. When I was 13, Jenny Pantlin taught me what a screwdriver was.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And we would make them in my house when my parents were gone and drink them in the Jacuzzi, like, so bad. It's a screwdriver. And that was the first drink. And then you learned. Well, Zima was in college.

[Tom Segura]

No, I didn't do that. I'm not gay.

[Christina P]

Oh, Strawberry Hill. Boone. Strawberry Hill was high school. Did you drink that?

[Tom Segura]

No. What? We started it. Like, I also thought it was cool to say on the rocks.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Let me get that. On the rocks.

[Christina P]

On the rocks. Strawberry Hill. There it is.

[Tom Segura]

Then. Cuba libre was a big one with, like, Latinos.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let me get a Cuba Libre, which is just rum and Coke, but it sounds way better when you say Cuba Libre. Yeah. Seven and seven.

[Christina P]

Seven and seven. Oh, say so once you start. So I did those in college. Once you puke. Seven and seven.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

That phase ends.

[Tom Segura]

That ends. Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's just like the Bacardi phase, the first time you vomit that you're done with.

[Tom Segura]

But here's the thing. I still. I. I'm so bad now. One thing is, I don't. I don't drink a lot, but I'm. Whenever I see a cocktail menu, I'm like, oh. I go, what's like. Because I always have a kind of the same desire at this point in my life where I go. I like it to be, like, refreshing taste. So I like things with cucumber, mint, And. But, like, not too sweet, so it can have a little bit. But, like, really sugary, sweet ones.

[Christina P]

Forget it.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. Remember when you learn a Long Island.

[Christina P]

I was just gonna say that I learned that.

[Tom Segura]

I feel like that was going from high school to college.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Let me get Long Island.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. So Long Islands, I discovered, like, first.

[Tom Segura]

Year, that's to get completely obliterated.

[Christina P]

Because they were cheap, right? Because you could get one Long island iced tea for 13, and then you'd be ripped. And there was a couple places that would serve miners. Casa Vega in the Valley and the Dresden Room. And we would go there and they would give you Long Island Iced Teas when you were, like, 18 years old. Oh, shout out to Casa Vega.

[Tom Segura]

Still around. Probably enjoying the free plug they serve miners.

[Christina P]

Thanks for the underaged booze. I'm sure they don't do it anymore. But in the late 90s, that was fire Dog.

[Tom Segura]

Well, this old dog face. I used to just walk into bars at 17. They'd be like, how's it going, sir? What would you like? I had a fake idea.

[Christina P]

There's a Dresden. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't have to pull it out all the time.

[Christina P]

I didn't have to do it either. No. The Dresden Room. This is before it became cool from that movie Swingers.

[Tom Segura]

You think because of your tits, they saw your tits and they were like this broad As a kid, because tits.

[Christina P]

Got me to buy cigarettes when I was 13 at the time to buy a liquor store off Newcastle in Ventura Boulevard.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I would wear my bikini top in when I was 13 and go, go boots and a skirt. And the guy would always sell me cigarettes. And that's how I got booze and then beer. In high school, I think we had a plug. Like, I think somebody's brother got us beers.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then you'd go to the nightclub. We go to, like, Helter Skelter, the goth club. Park in the parking lot across the street, drink our beers in the parking lot, and then go into the club with a fake id.

[Tom Segura]

I went into a liquor store in Boston. I was visiting my sister who was going to school there. And I go to the liquor store, and I put all the beer and everything on the counter. And the guy was like, id. And I handed it to him, and he laughed and handed it back. Goes, get the out of here.

[Christina P]

Did you even get the beer?

[Tom Segura]

No. He was like, get out of here. But that's also a fake ID town. Because Boston is a massive college community. You know, they have 61 colleges and universities in the greater Boston area, so they're used to underage kids trying to. Yeah, he was like, get out the. Out of here, dude.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Oh, seven and seven and then Cosmopolitans.

[Tom Segura]

See, I don't even know what that is.

[Christina P]

When that came out, Sex in the City came out and then all the girls were drinking. They're like pink fufy drinks and you get. You get shitty on these a few times and then you're done with the Cosmo.

[Tom Segura]

I had my first martini last year.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Tom Segura]

I'd never had a martini.

[Christina P]

Those are good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

They're not sweet.

[Tom Segura]

Never had one.

[Christina P]

It's not sugar. Sugar is what gives you the big, big hangover.

[Tom Segura]

I'll tell you what, I am into gin and tonic. I like gin and tonics with Hendrix and Monkey. Yeah, but that's vodka, though.

[Christina P]

Vodka.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that's a. That. The one that I like for vodka is you do Osos, a little soda water, a little bit of simple syrup, and then the. The muddled cucumbers with mint. Because that's like a refreshing drink. I think that's kind of like. What's it called? Like a vodka sour or a Tom Collins? Like, it's a version of that. But what's the other one that I. Oh, I like espresso martinis.

[Christina P]

I can't do that.

[Tom Segura]

I like that.

[Christina P]

I don't want to get jacked and drunk. It's like, remember when I like coffee?

[Tom Segura]

So it's like. That taste is so good.

[Christina P]

But I have bad memories of doing Red Bull vodkas in the early aughts. And then you'd be out playing video games, drunk as at three in the morning.

[Tom Segura]

We can have an espresso martini day here, guys. We should do that one day.

[Christina P]

Hell, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Sounds good to me. Yep.

[Christina P]

Poor Osos on the rocks with just some lime.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P]

Is so good. And it doesn't have that burning.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's good stuff.

[Christina P]

It's just like, clean. So good. Yeah. But you know what? I. You know, at the end of my drinking career, it was just wine because all this stuff is like. I can't.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, I know.

[Christina P]

I can't metabolize this.

[Tom Segura]

It can't drink too much because then this happens.

[Christina P]

I want a button for a bathroom that just plays the purge noise, the klaxon whenever you have to. Everyone around knows you have her.

[Tom Segura]

Foofies are real bad. Bad. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Why are they all black?

[Tom Segura]

They are rotten. They're rotting. And that's probably going to affect her brain soon.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It'll go to your Brain the rot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Christina P]

You can't.

[Tom Segura]

She's got serious decay going on in there.

[Christina P]

What does she want? The sound of the purge.

[Tom Segura]

The purge when she has to or after she.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but everybody knows she's shitting. She's a big girl. There's no mysteries.

[Tom Segura]

They're all like, oh, we know what happened. And by the way, we don't need a sound effect.

[Christina P]

No, they know. And I know when you. Because, oh my God, the other morning you were in there and I've noticed this about you, but I haven't articulated it is that you're always like. Like you make grandpa sounds when you're feels good.

[Tom Segura]

You make sounds when things feel good.

[Christina P]

You know, you're not embarrassed to make.

[Tom Segura]

Somebody rubs your scalp. You go eat something good. Take a nice.

[Christina P]

That's what you do. That's yourself. And you do it out loud. And I'm right next to you. I'm not. You're not embarrassed that I would hear you go, ah?

[Tom Segura]

No. I want you to know that I feel good now.

[Christina P]

Oh, I noticed.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I just. I don't know, I guess we're built different though.

[Tom Segura]

It feels good if you pull up my bean bag.

[Christina P]

Okie dokie. I do that, but I don't know. I think I'd be embarrassed if I made a sound like that.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely not. It's very cool. Peachy break.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I got a whiz too. Oh, that is pretty.

[Tom Segura]

And we're back and it's time to explore the marginalized community. Let's see what you got for us today. Let's do it.

[Christina P]

All right. Oh, here I go. I'm about to enter a world where anything is possible. Once you come with me, come into the portal of instant manifestation.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, let's go. Is it Ash Wednesday? Is that why that's on her forehead?

[Christina P]

I think it's a birthmark.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, okay.

[Christina P]

Well, why don't you want to go into the portal?

[Tom Segura]

Well, anything is possible. I think that's cool.

[Christina P]

You don't want to make manifestations.

[Tom Segura]

Usually now drugs are involved with something like this.

[Christina P]

But she doesn't look high.

[Tom Segura]

She doesn't look high. I think she just has. No, not a birthmark. I think she has a severe mental illness.

[Christina P]

No.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Why don't you open your mind to another portal? Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Where anything is possible.

[Christina P]

What is wrong with you? You're so closed minded. How do you know?

[Tom Segura]

She has that crazed look in her eyes for sure. Yeah, babe, she's very disturbed.

[Christina P]

You know what? You and I, this is where we digress we go different directions. I'm all into this now.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

I want to see the portal.

[Tom Segura]

Wow. Oh, the balls. To play this music and do the slow turn.

[Christina P]

It's kind of tight, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, tight.

[Christina P]

Damn.

[Tom Segura]

That's how you can pull it. Nice. That was.

[Christina P]

Okay, so hold on.

[Tom Segura]

We can get my mother this haircut.

[Christina P]

Oh, it's got V shaped bangs high above the ears and then a sweet long rat tail but a thick one.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a little tail.

[Christina P]

It's not a rat tail though.

[Tom Segura]

It's not a real tail.

[Christina P]

It's like a.

[Tom Segura]

It's like a foxtail.

[Christina P]

A pony rat.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. It looks so good.

[Tom Segura]

That is so horrendous. Shout out to whoever did that. I didn't think anything could be that bad. But you did it.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's real dog.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is a special secret menu item at the Plaza de Coco.

[Christina P]

These are all 100 a agave tequila. This one is Tequila Ano. This yellow one is Tequila Reposato. And this other red one is Tequila Blanca. Make sure you ask for this cuz they only have a limited amount on board and you do keep it at $65. They're all sealed. You can see 100 milliliters.

[Tom Segura]

That's three and a three ounces. Okay, so it's some Disney dorks. So yeah, these telling you about a secret menu item.

[Christina P]

These two retards spend money at Disney everything and they're childless. So again, low IQ adults with no children going to Disneyland and eating and drinking all this sugar loaded crap. And they're so pumped to give Disney their money. It's ridiculous. Every post is like, we just spent. We bought the limited edition mug. It's like, what are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

Some people, you know, they get excited about different things and this one is as dumb as it gets. So congratulations. Absolutely stupid.

[Christina P]

So dumb. Yeah. Oh, so this is a real place. Special things about Hammer Harmonies.

[Tom Segura]

That actually seems.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Who doesn't like having their hair brushed? Is the ultimate nurture, what mummies do, isn't it?

[Tom Segura]

So come and have your hair brushed.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So I don't have hair, but if I could lay in that and have a scalp massage.

[Christina P]

Yes. So I loved these two women so much I DM'd them and I was like, I. I love everything about this.

[Tom Segura]

Where is it in London?

[Christina P]

I forget.

[Tom Segura]

It's in the uk, right?

[Christina P]

Yeah. It's not around us.

[Tom Segura]

Right. Both dummies.

[Christina P]

I know. And they were like, yeah, if we open on in Austin. I'm like, please, you just lay in A hammock and somebody brushes your hair.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty rad. This is a good find. Congratulations. It's one of the only upsetting, non upsetting tick tocks you've found. Really cool.

[Christina P]

You're welcome.

[Tom Segura]

That's a great idea.

[Christina P]

I know. Oh, stick nation.

[Tom Segura]

I'm in Boston, Massachusetts. I just found this stick. It's got some magical shield properties to it for sure.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

As you can see, the display here can cast magical wards and spells around it.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

It could also be used. Used as a type of spinning device of some sort. And in a pinch, you could turn it into an umbrella. Whoa. This is my stick. Thank you, stick nation.

[Christina P]

I mean, that's a pretty kick ass stick, dude.

[Tom Segura]

That is pretty cool. I don't know that it can fend off evil spirits.

[Christina P]

What is wrong with you today?

[Tom Segura]

But it is. It's just from official stick reviews, that is.

[Christina P]

You don't believe in the spirit world. You don't believe in alien portals. What the fuck, dude? Do I even know you anymore?

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Nothing like a box of Little Debbie honey buns.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I guess we have Disney adults doing food reviews now.

[Christina P]

I've never. I've never had those. Have you had those honey buns? She seems to like them very much. They look frozen. And then you're supposed to heat them up, right?

[Tom Segura]

Her face looks frozen.

[Christina P]

Yep. There's something going on there.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Something dead inside.

[Robert Paul Champagne]

I like rocking honey bun.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

What? Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

This is a lady at a buffet. This guy. The.

[Christina P]

Just keep watching.

[Tom Segura]

I am watching.

[Christina P]

Keep it.

[Tom Segura]

This guy's just staring at the camera. Okay. You could look like this.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I definitely think this could be me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Now she's getting a pedicure, a manicure, and he's following her there.

[Tom Segura]

He's having a good time.

[Christina P]

He watches her eat.

[Tom Segura]

There's the food. This is really well put together. Thanks for flagging this. I think we understand what the food is.

[Christina P]

Well, hold on. You don't understand what's happening here?

[Tom Segura]

30 second shot of the food.

[Christina P]

So that's her on the phone. Do you sense a theme here is that he really likes videoing her. Her?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

It's an entire account that this guy just filmed dedicates to her filming her.

[Tom Segura]

You know what's cool is that reality is what you make of it. And in his mind, he's hit a home run. Yeah, of course he's in heaven.

[Christina P]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

He's like, yeah, of course I document this.

[Christina P]

Why don't you take a little lesson from him?

[Tom Segura]

What do you mean?

[Christina P]

I'm just saying you could worship me a little bit more. You could take videos of me lovingly a little bit more. What's wrong?

[E]

Have you ever felt discriminated against during travel? I recently hosted 13 plus size travelers in Thailand and unfortunately during our trip we were discriminated.

[Christina P]

No.

[E]

As a Thailand black woman that's traveled extensively through Southeast Asia and Thailand specifically, yeah. I was able to give my travelers the heads up that they were more than likely going to experience some fat phobia during our trip. What I wasn't expecting was that the company that we hired to give us a tour through Bangkok's Floating Market would be the source of the fat phobic comments. Bangkok's Floating Market is a historical and cultural site that I was super excited for my travelers to experience, which is one of the reasons why it was a highlight. As I built the itinerary, my travelers were super excited to visit the Floating Market. But I could feel the mood shift as soon as we started to get on the boats. I make sure that all of the companies that I work with are aware that my clients and I are all plus size travelers so that hopefully that can minimize the shock and awe when we arrive. After the tour, I checked in with all of my clients and unfortunately one of them was called some disturbing names in English by one of the boat staff. In response months we declined to give a tip and contacted the management of that boat company. I've also decided not to bring my clients back to the Floating Market. What would you do if this happened to you? Let me know in the comments.

[Tom Segura]

Wish we could hear a little more detail about the comments.

[Christina P]

Like what did they call it? Yeah, I, I have a feeling. I mean look, you're in another culture. They are not as sensitive as we.

[Tom Segura]

Are and they're not. And Thai people are small, like a very slender build.

[Christina P]

So to see like big American women, it's gonna be shocking.

[Tom Segura]

There's probably a lot of. Oh yeah, the market closed early today.

[Christina P]

They weren't in Japan. Babe, you more pressure. That's more of this, isn't it?

[Tom Segura]

You eat out of food. We don't shop because they no food left for you. You're so fat and so black. We never see so black fat like you before.

[Christina P]

Exactly what they said to them. Exactly. They're like, oh, you're very big.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. American football player. No, we're women linebacker. You play for cowboy.

[Christina P]

And I know it because I've like when I was in Korea, yeah. They were like, oh, you're too big. Like they Thought I was too big because I was like, I think I went to shop for a bra or something. And they're like, oh, no, no big sizes for you. And I was like, thank you. So they just. Do they just laugh at you in your face.

[Tom Segura]

So fat.

[Christina P]

Oh, you're so big. Why are you so big?

[Tom Segura]

You never stop or eat. You eat all the day.

[Christina P]

Exactly. And then they laugh. Of course. Yeah, of course.

[Tom Segura]

It's really fun. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Yeah. These saltwater crocodiles in Indonesia have apparently learned how to pretend to be drowning.

[Tom Segura]

To lure humans in who they view as prey, who they then obviously eat. That's awesome, right? That's incredible.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Who by who sees a.

[Christina P]

A.

[Tom Segura]

A croc drowning and goes, I gotta get in there.

[Christina P]

Well, they don't think it's a croc. They might think it's people because they're just. They're on their back with the hands up. Like, if you see the. Look at it. No, I'm serious. That's what they're trying to do.

[Tom Segura]

Look like hands to me.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yo, this smart.

[Christina P]

Holy. He's imitating people. See?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

You don't. If you don't know that the crocs in there, you might think that's a human.

[Tom Segura]

I bet there's some weird hands on that.

[Christina P]

I know. I might think it's a human and jump in.

[Tom Segura]

Really?

[Christina P]

I might be like, is a kid in there? Like, I. If I didn't know there were crocs.

[Tom Segura]

So crazy, I would think it's like.

[Christina P]

A kid or a severely disfigured.

[Tom Segura]

This must have happened, by the way, a few times. Like. Like, look at that. That looks like a hand. Yeah. Oh, no.

[Christina P]

Oopsie.

[Tom Segura]

Croc's, like, dumb.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't even understand how he got those five fingers. Like, what. What is that? I don't know, man. What on a croc could look like that? Those are crock paws. The crockpaw has the same mentality as those Thai people. Look at the fat man jump in the water. We eat you now, fatty.

[Christina P]

Oh, come here.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Luring in the tourists. Ahoy there, Talia. I'll be hearing that somebody named John wanted to give you a little message. O matey. The sea be vast, but every day be a chance to chart the course worth remembering.

[Bert Kreischer]

I be grateful that our ships be.

[Christina P]

Crossing, but not for our treasures maybe of gold.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. She sounds like she comes from the Burt school of impressions. He does similar accents.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I've never heard him doing access.

[Tom Segura]

It's really bad.

[Christina P]

It's the people that should be meeting.

[Tom Segura]

How Is this a 4 minute video? How long this talks like this for this long.

[Christina P]

She's from retarded Ireland, okay? Different country.

[Tom Segura]

Oh my God, please don't. It's so long. Thanks a lot for that. Real nice treat.

[Christina P]

Appreciate it. I thought you'd like her.

[Tom Segura]

So Bad thoughts comes out May 13th. And don't forget the two bears. 5K is May 4th in Tampa, Florida.

[Christina P]

5,000 miles.

[Tom Segura]

I'm on tour. Tomsagura.com tour for tickets, buy my lip. Lip shits are on sale for Christine.

[Christina P]

My eyeglasses are so dirty every time I pose them on just film.

[Tom Segura]

That was horrible video.

[Christina P]

I need new ones. My prescription is up.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you guys for watching. Thank you for listening and we'll see you next week.

[Christina P]

Bye, mommy.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of dogs, how you feel about this? You like those uncircumcised cops as I recall?

[Christina P]

Sure, sure.

[Tom Segura]

Beautiful.

[Christina P]

Tastes good. Stupid question.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you like uncircumcised guys as as I recall, right?