Tom Is Home Here Now | Your Mom's House Ep. 850

Summary

Your Mom's House Ep. 850: Tom Is Home Here Now

Podcast: Your Mom's House with Christina P. & Tom Segura
Date: March 11, 2026
Episode Theme:
A riotous homecoming for Tom Segura as he and Christina dive into the chaos, absurdities, and nostalgia of married comic life. The “Mommies” banter about returning to Austin, family stories, questionable viral clips, bodily woes, and their signature blend of irreverent takes on American life—complete with odd internet finds, pet drama, and a dash of body horror.

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Christina and Tom reconnect in the YMH Austin studio after some time apart. They explore the delights of being back in their own world, share funny and sometimes cringeworthy family stories, and critique online oddities and viral content. The duo delivers their usual mix of off-the-wall observations about everyday absurdities, the perils of parenting, celebrity missteps, and the weirdness of internet fame.
Tone: Playfully offensive, self-deprecating, whip-smart, and quick to roast.

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Key Discussion Points & Notable Segments

1. Tom's Return to Austin & The Power of Home

• 00:32–02:00
  • Tom is back from LA and is enthusiastically welcomed with croissants and a beardless face that Christina playfully roasts.
    • “Your face is, like, naked.” (00:50, Christina)
    • “Well, people—yeah, they remind me a lot of how much they don’t like my face.” (00:57, Tom)
  • Both appreciate being the “two mommies, one gene” and the unique insanity of their show’s world.

2. DIY Projects, Family Time, & Survival Skills

• 02:21–04:40
  • Tom talks about learning circuitry and woodworking at home, mentioning new studio signs.
    • “I’ve been learning circuitry and woodworking … There’s a giant FGT and RTD signs.” (02:30, Tom)
  • Their son’s interest in building inspires a chat about kids and hands-on learning, especially via “circuity starter sets” and Minecraft.
  • Christina discusses taking the boys “glamping” with real survival kits, axes, and teaching them to make fires.
    • “All they did was start fires.” (04:03, Christina)

3. Survival Show Critique & Parenting Competence

• 04:42–07:20
  • Ridiculing a contestant (“Woody”) on a survival show who can’t start a fire or properly sanitize water.
    • “He just gave up immediately.” (06:46, Tom)
    • “My children are smarter than these fucking retards.” (07:03, Christina, in classic blunt style)

4. Viral Video Dissection: Begging Guy

• 07:39–11:05
  • The Mommies break down a wild viral clip of a man muddling through a cash app plea, poking fun at his unintelligibility.
    • “You’re Satan.” (08:02, Christina, in mock judgement)
    • “This show does is it lets you know, do it in public. You can laugh in public. At the lesser, don’t be ashamed.” (11:05, Tom)

5. Crusty Elderly, Carbuncles, and Marital Promises

• 13:57–15:36
  • After a walk, Christina laments seeing an elderly man with “carbuncles.” Tom looks up the real meaning as the two riff on gross skin ailments and old age body shame.
    • “Can I make you a promise as your spouse? I won’t let your face get crusty.” (15:22, Christina)
    • “I will scrape the carbuncles off your face.” (15:32, Tom)

6. Analyzing American Cultural Oddities

• 18:01–21:27
  • Whole Milk Ads: Ben Carson’s bizarre milk commercial is played and mocked.
  • Meth Awareness Fail: They lampoon South Dakota’s ill-named “Meth: We’re On It” campaign.
    • “The slogan is meth. We’re on it. I swear to God.” (18:49, Christina)
    • “Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen?” (19:30, Christina)
  • Riffing on the U.S.’s descent into idiocracy.

7. Squatty Potty Scandal & Gross Bathroom Habits

• 21:49–22:55
  • The creator of the Squatty Potty, Robert Edwards, is indicted for child abuse material; the hosts react with dismay and dark humor.
  • They spiral into a debate on whether leaving out (and cleaning) your Squatty Potty is a dating deal-breaker.

8. Shoe Culture, Cleanliness, and Family Heritage

• 23:30–29:10
  • Cultural deep-dive on shoes in the house: Comparing Latin, Asian, and American norms about footwear indoors.
    • “Most of Latin America, people keep their shoes on inside … they have hardwood maids.” (25:32, Tom)
    • “Hungarians have puppets… you put on your slippers.” (24:11, Christina)
  • Reflection on “outside clothes” and germ-fearing habits.

9. Squirrel-Feeding Adventure & Hamster Trauma

• 29:17–33:51
  • Christina shares a saga about hand-feeding squirrels with her children—leading to a (non-rabid) squirrel bite.
  • The family debates marking a squirrel’s tail to ID it.
  • Update on the family hamster, “Sweetie,” whose final days were hidden from the kids; discussion devolves into dark comedy about hamster eye loss and animal death.
    • “Eyeball fell out.” (32:28, Tom)
    • “It was rotting and it died… Its eyeball fell out!” (32:45, Christina)

10. Online Weirdos: Sexy Wisdom Guy & Grandma Linda

• 34:00–42:05, 54:42–58:05
  • They react to “David Parker”, a shirtless, oiled man on TikTok who shifts topics from daily inspiration to sexual braggadocio.
    • “Give me 60 seconds, I’ll make you come so hard you will never want to touch yourself again.” (36:16, David Parker)
    • “You could make the argument with someone… you give him 60 seconds and nothing happens… he’s like, well, that’s cool. I still got to fuck you for 60 seconds.” (37:06, Tom)
  • Discovery of “Grandma Linda”, the world’s oldest OnlyFans model (age 86) who posts raunchy content.
    • “She’s living. She loves this. She’s doing this by choice.” (58:06, Christina)

11. Outlandish Sports & Physical Extremes

• 49:03–53:40
  • New viral “Run Nation” sport: two men charge full-speed, no pads, and collide—debate ensues on physics, injury, and “men vs. women” body differences.
    • “The intensity of rugby and football… Most players suffer concussions.” (49:35, Tom)

12. Compilation of Odd Clips: Forklift Pranks, Accidents, and More

• 52:00–54:42
  • Forklift fails, Slavic injury stoicism, porta-potty pranks, and workplace idiocy.

13. Hygiene Oddities: Extreme Pedicures, Squalor, and Dematting

• 62:11–65:24
  • Watching foot-care/pedicure transformation videos (“carbuncle” reappears!).
  • Dematting of hair under anesthesia, with speculation about mental illness and neglect.
    • “Just brush your hair.” (65:24, Christina)
    • “You know it’s like that… mental illness, homelessness, things of that nature.” (65:40, Tom)

14. Closing Reflections: Weather, Life Changes, and Plugs

• 66:07–66:39
  • Catching up on life in Austin, plugs for Christina’s upcoming shows and products, shoutout to local bakery Chicho Bomba, and jokes about spring and “bikini season.”
    • “Seriously, give me 60 seconds, I’ll make you calm…” (66:15, Tom, mocking David Parker)

15. Post-Credits: Surreal Confession Clip

• 66:47–68:42
  • Absurd “confession” segment about Hillary Clinton, cocaine, and bizarre sexual exploits—played for laughs.

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On parenthood:

  • “If these retards can’t figure out how to do fire, well, they are retards, lady. I go, there’s no fucking way that these idiots… my children are smarter than these retards.” (07:03, Christina)

• On 'Meth: We’re on it':

  • “Isn’t that the stupidest thing you’ve ever seen?” (19:30, Christina)

• On animal death:

  • “Eyeball fell out.” (32:28, Tom)
  • “Its eyeball fell out!” (32:45, Christina)

• On OnlyFans Grandma:

  • “She’s living. She loves this. She’s doing this by choice.” (58:06, Christina)

• On viral guy David Parker:

  • “Give me 60 seconds, I’ll make you come so hard you will never want to touch yourself again…” (36:16, David Parker)
  • “You could make the argument… you give him 60 seconds and nothing happens… he’s like, well, that’s cool. I still got to fuck you for 60 seconds.” (37:06, Tom)

• On life’s wisdom:

  • “The pain you carry becomes the wisdom you share.” (38:34, Tom, mock-quoting David Parker)

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Episode Timestamps (Approximate)

• 00:32 – Tom’s homecoming, croissants, beard banter
• 02:21 – Studio sign projects, woodworking, sons’ interests
• 03:45 – Glamping, survival kits, parenting pride
• 04:42 – Roasting “Woody” on survival show
• 07:39 – Deciphering viral “cash app” panhandler
• 13:57 – Elderly face crust, carbuncles, marital hygiene promises
• 18:01 – Mocking weird American public service ads
• 21:49 – Squatty Potty creator scandal, hygiene debates
• 23:30 – Shoes in the house: cultural dissection
• 29:17 – Squirrel feeding, Christina bitten, animal marking plan
• 32:27 – Hamster hospice, animal death talk
• 34:00 – David Parker’s transformation from wisdom guru to sex symbol
• 54:42 – Grandma Linda OnlyFans discussion
• 49:03 – “Run Nation,” new viral sport analyzed
• 52:00 – Forklift accidents, pranks, and Slavic injuries
• 62:11 – Extreme pedicure videos, dematting under anesthesia
• 66:07 – Closing thoughts, plugs, springtime, silly reflections
• 66:47 – Post-credits: “Hillary Clinton ate my asshole” confession remix

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Final Thoughts

This classic YMH episode delivers exactly what fans love: hilariously crude family anecdotes, irreverent debates on culture and filth, viral freaks, bodily function riffs, and internet detritus. Tom and Christina’s unique chemistry—bouncing from genuine marital sweetness to grotesque body humor at lightning speed—offers comfort, catharsis, and shock in equal measure.
“It’s great to be in Austin. The weather’s getting warmer. Seriously, give me 60 seconds, I’ll make you calm…” (66:15, Tom)
A must-listen for anyone who likes their comedy on the edge—of both taste and reason.

Transcript

[A]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[B]

With Verbocare. Help is always ready before, during, and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind.

[A]

And we're back. Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Welcome back in the building.

[B]

Back from LA Lizzi. What do you think? Oh. Oh, you already got your croissant. How much did you miss that flavored savor taster?

[A]

I just got in and first thing they did was come with chicho bomba croissants.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

I haven't even had them since I got back. Of course.

[B]

They're so good. Look at you. Your face is, like, naked.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I'm sure the viewers are freaked out right now. I am.

[A]

Well, people. Yeah, they. They. They remind me a lot of how much they don't like my face. They're like, grow your back. It's growing. It's growing.

[B]

Doesn't that feel good?

[A]

Yeah. When people tell you they're like, what's up with your face?

[B]

Yeah. You look stupid.

[A]

Your face is what's up.

[B]

I know.

[A]

Thanks.

[B]

Can I tell you, since you've been gone, though, I've really now have more of appreciation for ymh. Just because, like, I love the. That we play and do on this show. Like, this world.

[A]

I know.

[B]

And like, it's two mommies, one gene.

[A]

It is.

[B]

It's never one mommy in both the legs. Do you know what I mean? It's always two mommies, one pair.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And I'm glad you're back.

[A]

I'm glad to be back. I missed you.

[B]

Missed you.

[A]

It's fun doing the show too.

[B]

It's so fun. There's so much crazy happening.

[A]

It's fun to be in studio.

[B]

I know.

[A]

I know. Hi, guys.

[B]

Hi, Tom.

[A]

What's up, bro? How you doing, Tom? Yeah, missed you guys.

[B]

Missed you too.

[A]

Sorry I came in so hot today.

[B]

It's okay. You did. You came in on a mission. You're like, let's go.

[A]

Well, I was late. That's.

[B]

Why are you tardy? And you felt anxiety?

[A]

Yeah. It was only no other reason other than being late. It put big, like, giant and like, neon signs above the studio. You're just like, let's go. Yeah, let's go. I'm like, you didn't see that? Like, what are you talking about? Let's go. I still don't know what you're talking about. Where are the. We're the sun.

[B]

They're so good right outside.

[A]

Of the studio. Really? I did not. I did not. I was just like, we gotta go.

[B]

Well, now that we mentioned it, do you want to tell the audience? Because.

[A]

Sure, yeah. I mean, yeah. Over the past couple weeks at home on nights, I've been learning circuitry and woodworking. And so we've wanted to put studio signs above the studios for the longest time. And our studios are named Studio FGT and Studio rtd. Wow. There's a giant FGT and RTD signs. That's really cool.

[B]

Your jeans are so high and tight right now.

[A]

I'm so proud of you, man.

[B]

So high.

[A]

Thank you. And I'm impressed. Thank you. I'm impressed. Thank you. Yeah, it's been fun. That's very cool.

[B]

It's such a great use of his time. I like that he did it in his spare time, too.

[A]

That's what our son's going to be doing.

[B]

Woodworking.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

Kids. My kids. Our kid. Our kid. Not my kid is so into woodworking.

[A]

Yeah. He's always like, I made this thing so rad. What is that? He's like, it's pencil sharpener. You can also use it as a hammer. Which. Which one? Like the Minecraft Ellis. Yeah.

[B]

He's into the building.

[A]

Get him. Get him a circuitry set that's basically Redstone.

[B]

Shut the front door. Where do I get that shit? On Amazon. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Just look up circuitry. Like, starter set.

[B]

Can I tell you. Oh, I'll get it. Can I tell you what I did with these boys? We went glamping last weekend.

[A]

Glamping.

[B]

It's camping, but, like, fancy.

[A]

So white people.

[B]

Yeah, white people. Yeah. And which I've never. I've never been camping before. Like, that doesn't exist. Anyway, I bought them survival kits from Amazon. And I mean real ones with, like, ax. An ax, a knife, a flint, a tent.

[A]

Hell, yeah.

[B]

And they. All they did was start fires.

[A]

That's all I saw was just videos of fires.

[B]

Ax bro. It was the coolest thing ever. And. And I couldn't feel prouder as, like, a Slavic mom. Like, this is what little boys should do.

[A]

And then I watched them.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Watch the extraction show.

[B]

Yeah. That's why we are into survival.

[A]

And then the guy was like, couldn't make a fire. And, like, they were like, look at this chump. Can't make a fire. This guy's a loser. I was like, yep, it's good.

[B]

It's so hard to make a fire. Have you tried?

[A]

No, I haven't.

[B]

It's because you can get a spark Right. If you have like an axe and then the flint. But you have to do it so rapidly that the sparks catch on the tinder.

[A]

I watched so hard episode with them where if for this show that people don't know, people are out in the wild wilderness and then their friends and family are watching them and you all. They all kind of communicate about what the status of the person in the wilderness. And they. They do these drops of, like, supply drops. Supply drops. So this one guy, they're like, man, he's hungry. And everybody kind of agrees to let him get something good.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So they drop off a. A slab of meat, like a steak. A fat.

[B]

That's for Woody. Did Woody.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Woody's lazy piece of.

[A]

Well, this guy, he sucks. Gets a steak and he's hungry. He's really hungry. And it's like a cast iron skillet with the steak. So he's like, well, I guess he had to try to make a fire, you know, to cook the steak. And he tried to show him trying for like a minute. He's like, fuck, that can't make him make a fire. And then what? So then the guy watching remotely is like, well, I've had beef carpaccio. You know, he'll just. I guess he's just going to eat that shit raw. He's starving. He's really hungry. And they cut to Woody. He's like, I'm gonna throw the steak in the lake. And he just walks down the lake and throws it in the lake.

[B]

Woody.

[A]

And everyone's like, no. He's like, well, you know, no fire.

[B]

That's how some people.

[A]

I guess I'm starving. I guess I'll starve.

[B]

A lot of people operate. Well, just so you know. So Woody, in the first few episodes, so you know when you're in the wilderness, you have to boil the water from the river before you drink it.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Otherwise you get diarrhea violently ill. So Woody in like, episode one's like, well, can't build a fire. I'm sure I'm thirsty. And he goes to the river and you just see him gulping, like, he drank like a gallon of this water. And of course, cut to him puking violently. So sick. He just can't.

[A]

Why couldn't he make a bigger effort to start that fire?

[B]

And he's law enforcement. He comes from, like, the law enforcement.

[A]

He had. He had all that. He was just like, don't. Well, that's just no fire. Like, he just gave up immediately.

[B]

I know. That's why I bought my children a 7 and 10 year old survival kit. And I was like, if these retards can't figure out how to do fire, well, they are retards, lady. I go, there's no way. There's no fucking way that these idiots. My children are smarter than these fucking retards. They are fully and are. My 7 year old can light a fire and this ass.

[A]

You use the other one.

[B]

Can you believe that? Literally our two children. And you know what I did too?

[A]

What?

[B]

I bought a solo stove for our backyard so that they can continue learning to light and. And play with fire.

[A]

Great. A couple little arsonists. Great idea. All right, let's start the show. You ready to do this?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Here we go.

[B]

Here you go.

[A]

Hey, everybody. I'm a trip for anyway. I'm waiting for a griff area. Appreciate for cash app. $sign 2 thorn 3 wood for food. We're having food. I'm eating my chair and I just reaction today Sunday. God bless everybody in the name of Jesus Christ. I pray the name of Jesus Christ. Get some helpful food. Stop.

[B]

You're the. You're Satan.

[A]

Don't bring anyone. Mother me. This your mom in the welcome. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura

[B]

and Christina.

[A]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[B]

Oh, you're feeling it. You look like Paul Shaver. Remember?

[A]

Hey, everybody have a trick for you.

[B]

Paul Schaer.

[A]

Appreciate for cash app. Dollar sign. 2, 4, 3, 1.

[B]

You're the devil. I can't believe. He's like begging for food, food and money.

[A]

Yeah, food money. Jesus Christ. Yeah.

[B]

What is he American or like. Is it Irish?

[A]

No, he's Saudi. Yeah, he's a American. Yeah, of course. Yeah. No, yeah, he's American.

[B]

But why can't we understand him? Did he ever.

[A]

Because he does things.

[B]

No, that's not just drug use.

[A]

Maybe years of it.

[B]

Let's play it again. I gotta study it.

[A]

All right. Hey, everybody. I have a trick for you.

[B]

I have a trick for you. I'm in Florida.

[A]

Everybody. I got. I got a trick for you guys to show you. I'm in stuff for a Griffin area. The Griffin business trip for my grandfather. I got this trip from my grandfather. Appreciate it for cash app. I appreciate cash app. Yeah, dollar sign something.

[B]

Oh, and I can chop free wood.

[A]

Oh, I can chop. Oh, cash app. I can chop free wood.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Huh. Let me see. Two, four, three wood food. Got. I got a four. I got a four. Got. I got a four dot Got. Bless everybody. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Okay, I have Jesus Christ.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Get some Help for pray. Amen. He prayed.

[B]

I have cheese and it's cheddar. He's telling you. And he likes cheese at this point.

[A]

Who's Satan though? Is it me or is it you?

[B]

No, it's you. It's you because you brought it to attention. I would laugh at this privately. I might send this to you privately. I don't know if I'd play this.

[A]

But see, that's why we're good people, because everyone is sending this shit to each other and they're like, it's not okay to do this in public. And what this show does is it lets you know, do it in public. You can laugh in public. At the lesser don't be ashamed.

[B]

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[A]

What?

[B]

Dude, I saw a guy in a wheelchair. Like, an old guy. Like, his nurse was pushing him and he laughed. Well, here's the thing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He was wearing a blanket even though it's like 80 degrees. Like, that's that elderly. Yeah, but dude, he had like crust on his face. Like, why do old people get carbuncles on carbuncles? You know what I'm saying? Like the. That's on ships. It was on barnacles. Barnacles. Barnacles. Well, what's a carbuncle?

[A]

Something you made up.

[B]

It's a better word. I like car buckles.

[A]

I mean, this guy's probably looking to get a carbuncle if you ask him. Hey, man, I can't send you any cash app right now. You're right.

[B]

Oh, my God, you're right. How did I know that?

[A]

How did you know that?

[B]

I don't think so. That's crazy. Well, a carbuncle is a painful, deep seated cluster of infected hair.

[A]

How the fuck did you know that?

[B]

I don't know. I don't. I channeled it from Jesus. I have no idea.

[A]

Coming on the back, neck, or thighs because. Red swollen lumps, fever, and fatigue. Treatment includes warm compresses, antibiotics, sometimes surgical drainage filled with pus.

[B]

Ugh. But like, why don't they scrape.

[A]

Get the fuck out of here.

[B]

Off of their faces? Why don't they take the barnacles off the faces?

[A]

You know why, people? You know why?

[B]

Why?

[A]

Because you're just, you know, you're about. You're. It's about over. So you just go. Just let it go. I don't care anymore.

[B]

Can I make you a promise as your spouse?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I won't let your face get crusty.

[A]

Carbuncles.

[B]

Carbuncles. Thank you. Now you promise me. Hello.

[A]

What?

[B]

No. Now you say, I love you too. I will scrape the carbuncles off of your face.

[A]

I haven't had a croissant, God damn you in so long. It's so delicious. God, it's delicious.

[B]

Doesn't love me. I love you so much. Doesn't love me at all. You know how sad it is? I'm the dog and he's the kid.

[A]

Cat.

[B]

I love you. I love you so good.

[A]

So good. So I go to the way for a motel. I am Jo and you and Joe

[B]

Dr. People from middle age.

[A]

And we are Route 13. And I talked to the manager. She said, no, you're not. Yes, I am. And you owe me. Trespass. I did understand that he talked to the manager and I think she accused him of trespassing. Is that. Is that right?

[B]

Why do I love this so much?

[A]

Because it's fun to try to decipher things in your native tongue.

[B]

Well, the Killarney drunk was harder in a way. But then now I'm thinking this guy's more difficult because it's our. Like you said, this is American.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I still can't understand this man.

[A]

But he did say the manager accused him of trespassing, right? Is that what he said at the end? Anybody? No business. And I talked to the manager. She said, no, you're not trespassing. Don't do that. You're going to be trespassing.

[B]

Manager said, yes, sir. I said, no, I'm not. Yeah, that's a really interesting.

[A]

He was. He was probably passing those out, and the manager was like, you better fudgeing not.

[B]

Oh, because he's probably into. Is he passing out God stuff?

[A]

Maybe God stuff. Had a business. Manager was like, no, no, no, you cannot be in here doing that.

[B]

I hate. Can I tell you what I hate the most on men, besides carbuncles on your face? What is when their mouths get all crusty like that and you like it on women. Women tend not to have this issue

[A]

because they take care of their lips and their faces.

[B]

What is that, foam in the corner?

[A]

Maybe he lives on the street.

[B]

You can wipe your mouth on your sleeve.

[A]

Yeah, I know, but it's not a problem. You think he has mirrors?

[B]

No, but you can feel when your face is all.

[A]

I don't think you can feel his face. I think his face is doing its own thing. Okay. Jesus. What's wrong with you? Here, let's. Let's make something. Let's cleanse our palate real quick.

[B]

That was good for me. I don't need it.

[A]

Three cheers for whole milk. Good stuff. That's a real. That's a real ad.

[B]

I love it. I love this.

[A]

Is there a weirder thing that is genuine that has been released?

[B]

I love it so much.

[A]

That's Ben Carson just being like, drink milk. And then he's like, it's. It has.

[B]

Have you seen the we're on it campaign from the lady that just got fired from the Trump administration?

[A]

Kristi Noem?

[B]

Yeah. She was the prime leader of South Dakota at one point. Look this up. The prime leader, the prime supreme minister.

[A]

Are you talking about governor?

[B]

These who care. It's same shit, different toilet.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Look at her. So they had a meth problem in South Dakota.

[A]

Hold on.

[B]

Press pause. Let me set this up. So they had a meth problem in South Dakota. Shout out to Brian Simpson for showing me this last night, by the way.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

So she decided to start a campaign. She spent millions of dollars. And the slogan. The slogan is meth. We're on it. I swear to God. This is real. Go ahead.

[A]

I'm on meth.

[B]

I'm on meth. I'm on it, too. So am I. So am I. I'm on meth.

[A]

Meth is not someone else's problem. It's everyone in South Dakota's problem, and we need everyone to get on it.

[B]

I'm on it. I'm on it.

[A]

I'm on it, too. We're on it.

[B]

Isn't that the stupidest thing you've ever seen?

[A]

You think anyone told them what that meant? Like, as they were doing this?

[B]

No.

[A]

Hey, it sounds like you're saying you're on it.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah, we are. No, no, we're on top of it.

[B]

Yeah, we're on top of it. And that's what it means. We're taking care of it.

[A]

Yeah, that's perfect.

[B]

Isn't that amazing?

[A]

Yeah, that's perfect.

[B]

Just like that. But that's. This is how stupid we are.

[A]

This is three cheers for whole milk.

[B]

It's real. This is what we are doing now.

[A]

Good stuff.

[B]

It's the grossest.

[A]

It's like a good stuff.

[B]

Eric and Tim, awesome show.

[A]

Yeah, it totally is. Yeah. And you can hear them go, oh, that's the worst. Like, they didn't mix that out of it.

[B]

They're like, let me hear it again.

[A]

So strange.

[B]

Disgusting.

[A]

Cheers for whole milk. Listen.

[B]

And then he gets the mustache. Yeah.

[A]

Good stuff.

[B]

See?

[A]

Good stuff. Good stuff.

[B]

Yeah. It's like a joke.

[A]

Good stuff.

[B]

Yeah. This could be on seminary.

[A]

It's totally.

[B]

This is horrible.

[A]

Well, it certainly makes people want milk.

[B]

Who is this man?

[A]

Dr. Ben Carson. Didn't he run for president at one point? He did. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, wow. Well, he does have. I guess it's good.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Tastes like mucus, though. Milk. Doesn't it taste the grossest? I hate drinking milk. Tastes like. Yeah. Doesn't it just taste like a cup of hot.

[A]

I never like milk. I never liked milk ever. Not even as a kid?

[B]

No. I don't know. Why are they telling us to drink cups of fat? I guess if you're.

[A]

If you're malnourished.

[B]

Yeah, it's. It is. Maybe if you're on meth, drink the milk to.

[A]

Are you on meth? Drink milk.

[B]

We're on it.

[A]

Cash. Cash app. Yeah. Yeah, that's pretty crazy, Trump.

[B]

I've aced every cognitive test because I drink milk.

[A]

Jesus Christ. Christ. So insane.

[B]

This world is just idiocracy. Remember that Mike Judge movie?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

That was prophetic, that.

[A]

How about this?

[B]

Go ahead.

[A]

This is such, such a disappointment. The squatty potty creator is a chomo.

[B]

No.

[A]

Can you believe that?

[B]

I hate that.

[A]

Robert Edwards, the 50 year old entrepreneur from Ivan's Utah, original co founder of the Squatty Potty, federally indicted on allegedly receiving child abuse material.

[B]

Great. Yeah, it's really nice.

[A]

And I wonder how squatty potty owners feel at this point.

[B]

I'm against it. There he is.

[A]

There he is. There he is. Squatting and partying.

[B]

Man.

[A]

Oh, he's got that. Yeah, that weird face. Oh, the stash.

[B]

I gotta tell you, nothing is less attractive than a man sitting on a squatty potty.

[A]

Oh, you don't like that?

[B]

I find it to be so demeaning and diminishing.

[A]

Do you see a lot of men on the Squatty Potty?

[B]

Rob Eiler confessed to having one in his home and that when a girl comes over, he doesn't move the squatty potty away from the toilet. Like if you had a lady coming

[A]

over, you'd move your squatty.

[B]

Wouldn't you be ashamed of it?

[A]

Yeah, I'd move a lot of toilet stuff. Yeah, you try to be like, I don't even use the toilet.

[B]

Of course.

[A]

But you know, the craziest part about that was that he said he washes it in the shower. What? In the shower. Rob does?

[B]

Yes, yes.

[A]

He washes like he washed. He cleans the squatty potty in the shower. Why do you clean the squatty potty

[B]

if he has company coming over? If a lady's coming over, he doesn't get rid of the squatty potty. He puts it in the shower, cleans it off and then puts it back so that it Looks clean.

[A]

Well, how dirty? You don't shit on the actual squatty.

[B]

Well, if you put your feet on there. Look, this dirt bag has his shoes on in the house, which is fucking disgusting, in my opinion. Do black people wear shoes in their house? What?

[A]

What?

[B]

What? Some cultures take their shoes off. Is that a black thing?

[A]

I mean, if you got carpet, probably not. I don't know what kind of question.

[B]

Maybe. Because I just want to know culturally, do Latins.

[A]

You're thinking about Asians and stuff?

[B]

I'm just saying. Different.

[A]

No, no, because Asians, famously.

[B]

Asians take their shoes off. Eastern Europeans take their shoes off. Do Latins take their shoes off? You just wear your filthy shoes that track everywhere.

[A]

Like, just clean. Don't have shoes on. That's what I was gonna say. It's not about you, just a dirty. If you got shoes not in the house, you shouldn't be tracking your through the house. Do you got shoes on in the house, Christine?

[B]

Never.

[A]

Okay, well, there you go.

[B]

Hungarians have puppets. You put on your slippers when you're in the house. You take off all your clothes. Actually change into home clothes so you don't bring in the filth in. Yeah, outside clothes. I. It's disgusting. But some people. Dirty Americans, I'm telling you. Right. Walk all over Zolo. Did your family take shoes off in the house? Definitely not. You walked around.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, right. Thank you.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Thank you. How come you don't feel repulsed by this?

[A]

I mean, I'm just. By what, though?

[B]

Wearing shoes in your own home.

[A]

I don't like it. I don't like it.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

I don't like wearing.

[B]

Did the ciguras wear shoes?

[A]

I'm trying to remember if it was emphasized that much. I feel like there were shoes in the house a lot. Yeah, I feel like there were, then

[B]

you, then Latins are dirty.

[A]

I don't know if Peruvians are dirty. I don't know if that speaks for all.

[B]

Yes, it's cultural. Your mother's from Peru.

[A]

Yeah, but I don't know. Look it up. Look up Latin America shoes. I feel like it's definitely an era thing, too.

[B]

Like an Arab thing.

[A]

Era.

[B]

Oh, like Arabs, too? They take their shoes off? Yeah, they don't. No. Arabs are clean. Very clean.

[A]

Yeah, because I feel like a long time ago. I mean, we didn't even know what the germs were like, whatever back then,

[B]

you know, they slept on dirt, man. Most of Latin America, people keep their shoes on inside.

[A]

But here's the thing. Here's the thing. This is not pointing out. Most Latin American households have hardwood maids. Whoops. Okay, you have a little implada who's right behind you.

[B]

What is she called? That was cute.

[A]

So you go, oh, I track stuff. But. And they're like, it's okay. Clean. Right behind you. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

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[A]

Okay, scroll down a little bit. Let's see.

[B]

Yeah, you're right. Because in Eastern Europe you don't have a maid. You're the maid. Maybe that's why.

[A]

And here's the thing. See how it says Caribbean, Latin countries. Those are like beach cultures. So it's usually like people are wearing flip flops and they're barefoot a lot, you know?

[B]

Yeah, they're all primitive.

[A]

Same thing with Brazil. Brazil. But most people switch to house sandals. It says. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

House sandals.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

House sandals. Yeah.

[A]

What about. What about the other way around? Like if you go out on your patio or balcony or whatever. Do you ever just barefoot it.

[B]

Sometimes, yeah. But I do have a pair. I have outdoor shoes that I prefer to put on.

[A]

Yeah, you got to like.

[B]

I have a pair of like crocs. They're disgusting, but I'll keep them by the door.

[A]

I feel like it's just as gross to do barefoot outside as it shoes inside. Cuz it's the same. Now you're tracking their. Yeah, yeah. Tracking the. Yeah, you don't want to track that.

[B]

You want to track that. Can I please talk about something I'm so excited about?

[A]

Please?

[B]

The. My. The boys and I have been going to the park and feeding the squirrels.

[A]

It's insane.

[B]

Yeah, we bring whole nuts. Not with salted whole. They're healthy nuts. Okay. Anyway, one of our kids, Ellis, patiently just holds his hand out and up comes a squirrel and eats out of our son's hand.

[A]

It's crazy.

[B]

I was like, this is a dream come true. This is insane. So then he does it a couple times. I'm like, I gotta try this. So I put the nut in my hand. I do the same thing as him. The squirrel comes up on the side of me and I think he mistakes my thumb for the nut and he bites my thumb. Now I have a. And I freak out and I'm like, ah. And I'm like, oh, fuck. I have a squirrel bite. Dude gotta go get a rabies shot. Like it was. That little fucker was deep. And you know what it felt like? Like a knife. Like a regular butter knife. Like the teeth of it on your thing. Anyway, I don't need a rabies shot. Turns out the squirrels here don't have rabies.

[A]

That's good.

[B]

But I mean, have you ever been bitten by a fucking park squirrel?

[A]

Never.

[B]

Have you ever heard of anybody even feeding a fucking.

[A]

What a life experience.

[B]

Yeah, I. Oh, it's so cool. I was really happy about this for days. So Ellis and I and Julian, we've been going to the park every day.

[A]

And he is a little animal whisperer, that guy.

[B]

I know. I Know, but we, we managed to go back. So here's another part of this. So we go back every day around the same time, and lo and behold, a squirrel comes up and Ellis is able to feed it with his hand.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

And I got to do it successfully without getting bitten. Okay, so now the real question is, is this the same squirrel that we keep feeding or a different variety of squirrels? So here's what we're gonna do. We're gonna spray paint the tail. What? With safe. We're gonna mark it with safe.

[A]

Safe. Safe Spray paint.

[B]

Squirrel paint with, like, hair paint.

[A]

Squirrel paint for animals.

[B]

Yeah, they have hair dye for animals. Okay. I'm gonna spray it and tag it. Very little. Minimally tag it. Yeah. To mark it. And then we're gonna see if he come. We call him Henry.

[A]

Uh huh. And what, What? And what would you learn by doing this?

[B]

To see if we're befriending one squirrel, if it's really Henry, or that my son has magical superpowers and can communicate with multiple squirrels. With multiple squirrels. Which is crazy. Like, have you ever known somebody that can just go to a park and hand feed squirrels?

[A]

I have not.

[B]

It's crazy. It's never happened.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah. So anyway, there's that. And then I have an animal update too, about Sweetie. Last episode, I divulged that I. I faked the death of our son's hamsters, our kids hamsters. Because while the animal was actively dying, I didn't want to take them through the trauma of active dying of a hamster. And then a lot of idiots on my comments were like, oh, it could be hibernating. You mean just kill the hood? No, you dummies. I know what a hibernating animal looks like. It wasn't hibernating. Its eyeball fell out. It was rotting and it died. It's dead. We put it in hamster hospice and lovingly ushered it to the other side. So Sweetie is no longer with us.

[A]

Eyeball fell out.

[B]

It fell out.

[A]

Well, you're being real.

[B]

No, I swear. So, Sweetie, I did put in like a hamster hospice situation. Like, I gave it to a friend like you suggested. And I was like, how's Sweetie doing? And she goes, well, his eyeball fell out the other day. And I was like,

[A]

what?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How does an eyeball just fall out?

[B]

Because you're rotting. You're actively rotting and dying.

[A]

Yeah, Rotting. People don't have their eyeballs just fall out.

[B]

I think they do.

[A]

What do you mean you think they do?

[B]

I think they Do I think your fucking shit falls apart when you're rotting, you're decaying.

[A]

You know of people whose eyes fell out as they were aging?

[B]

You have to Google it.

[A]

No.

[B]

Yeah, your body decomposes.

[A]

Get out of here.

[B]

Dude, she was dying, okay? So she's dead. God took her. She's on the other fucking side. I didn't have to bang her head against the brick wall.

[A]

No, your eyeballs do not fall out when someone is dying.

[B]

That's for people, you dummy. To do hamsters. How about hamsters?

[A]

No. Hamsters. Eyeballs do not fall out when they are dying either.

[B]

Well, it did. Sweetie's eyeball fell out. What am I supposed to tell you? It's truth. You think I'm making that up?

[A]

Do you know how horrifying that is?

[B]

That's why I didn't want our kids to watch the hamster die.

[A]

Because you knew its eyeball was gonna.

[B]

I didn't know it was gonna fall out, but I was thinking it's pretty gruesome. Let's shelter the boys from a dying hamster.

[A]

You're psycho, dude.

[B]

What would you have done? You take it to the vet and have a vet charge you 500 to tell you the thing is dying? No way.

[A]

Okay, dude? All right.

[B]

There's no way saving a hamster get.

[A]

You're so crazy.

[B]

Hamsters suck. I'll never buy another hamster. They don't love you. They don't give a about you.

[A]

Okay?

[B]

They're like the elderly. They just suck up resources.

[A]

I had a trembling breath, Moaning between every sound. She couldn't hold back. I leaned close and whispered, you good, baby?

[B]

I'm gonna puke.

[A]

Yes, Daddy.

[B]

I hate the daddy.

[A]

Her lips brush my neck. Hand covering her mouth only makes her moan sound louder. If you understand what I'm saying and you follow me this far, drop David in the comments and hit that, like, say, share and subscribe button.

[B]

Yeah. What does he have behind him? Is that fishing tackle?

[A]

And I think those are nipple clamps. And some. Yeah. Masks and ball gags and things.

[B]

Tom's. You. His tongue after. Like.

[A]

You don't like that. I like that he was reading, too.

[B]

Oh, was he? For sure.

[A]

Got a teleprompter that was not off the dome. Yeah, that was like. He. He's reading. Daddy, she breathed right there.

[B]

Daddy, she breathed out.

[A]

Brush my neck. Look at his eyes.

[B]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

[A]

Her lips brushed my neck. Like, no one talks like that. He's reading. Covering her mouth only makes her moan sound louder. What?

[B]

I hate it. What? This Is like Zayn, Remember that? Pornography.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like the black pornography author.

[A]

And he's. He's greased up.

[B]

I mean, I think his body looks really nice. How old do you think he is?

[A]

He's probably in. I would say somewhere in his 50s.

[B]

So I think he does have the sexual experience. I mean, you're always encouraging me.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Be like, what. What if you. This guy. What it.

[A]

I mean, I think he'd have you trembling. I do.

[B]

I believe him.

[A]

I believe him, too. Yeah. You know what? Give it a shot.

[B]

Are you letting me.

[A]

Absolutely, definitely.

[B]

What's his name? Do we know?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

David Parker. David Parker.

[A]

He says, comment, David, on my post.

[B]

Comment. They always tell you to comment. Stupid things like that.

[A]

He likes to share. Yeah. Give you. You. You didn't have to give me 60 seconds in this thing, man. Give me 60 seconds. I'll make you come so hard you will never want to touch yourself again because you will be begging me for more.

[B]

Oh, the tongue, the tongue. Can I tell you something? Had he not done the tongue.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I might have been like, all right, I'm in. I'm buying.

[A]

Really?

[B]

The tongue, it was too far. It broke.

[A]

Would you give him 60 seconds?

[B]

Yeah, 60 seconds. He can't do to me. I'm old.

[A]

He. He's claiming he can. You know what my favorite part about that is? Is that you could make the argument with someone where you're like, you can't do. And they're like, I'm telling you, 60 seconds is all I need. And then you go, okay. And you give him 60 seconds and nothing happens. And he's like, well, that's cool. I still got to fuck you for 60 seconds.

[B]

A win. Win.

[A]

And you're like, oh, yeah, I guess you did. And he's like, yeah, Anyway, yeah, see you later.

[B]

See you later, dummy. That's true. I guess he wins either way.

[A]

He wins for sure.

[B]

Smart. It's a good racket.

[A]

It totally is. It totally is. You just figured out, I just need one minute. And you're like, there's nothing will happen in a minute. He's like, you'll see.

[B]

He can come in a minute.

[A]

Yeah, for sure.

[B]

That's what he's trying to tell.

[A]

And then in a minute, he's like, oh, what the fuck? He's like, I guess it just didn't work that time.

[B]

He's like, what I'm trying to say is.

[A]

What I'm trying to say is, I could come in 60 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I also apparently, like, Even in his bio, it says, david's Daily Wisdom. Uplifting messages from David to inspire your soul, strengthen your spirit, and remind you that every day is a chance to grow, which is definitely nothing like what we just saw. But I think he did start that way, because I've seen comments where people go like, unc, what's happening? What happened to inspiring people?

[B]

Because that was the racket.

[A]

Like, three life lessons.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Like, what's that?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah.

[A]

Once you learn these three life lessons, you will never be the same one. One, as long as you're alive, no obstacle is permanent. I mean, while you breathe, you can adapt, rebuild, and overcome.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Two, Your struggles are part of your story. The pain you carry becomes the wisdom you share. I mean, these are like, okay, you can click.

[B]

Come on.

[A]

But, like, that's what he was posting. And then all of a sudden, one day, he was like, you want to come?

[B]

Yeah. You know why? But because it. We. This is what we always talk about with dudes, is that this was his way of getting laid at first.

[A]

Right. And he was hiding it. He was a disguise.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Now, what probably happened is he ended up. He's got, like, a good amount of followers.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He probably hooked up with one, was like, oh, shit, I got to put this out there. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

When does it turn?

[A]

Can we see the first 64,000 followers?

[B]

Let's see the first horny post and see, like, what was going on. Right? So see, first, it starts with the outfit. Look, it's the shirt. Open with a greasy chest.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Choose freedom over comfort. So he realizes, oh, the girls like

[A]

to see me, huh?

[B]

What is the bat now? It's slow.

[A]

Look at. Do this to your woman. That's pretty wild. Let's see with everybody. What just happened to me? My woman came home from the gym looking sweaty and sexy, and I grabbed her and I picked up and I put her on the bed, and I told her to hold your knees against your chest.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I start eating her like a savage and fingering her at the same time.

[B]

Jesus Christ is fairy with her clitoris

[A]

and her cheese spot. And she started exploding from the overstimulation.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

And I came up slow, and I kissed her, and it tastes so, so sweet.

[B]

I'm gonna fucking throw up with this guy. Don't share this with me.

[A]

Oh, then there's the big tongue. I think we found the moment he changed over. Yeah. Eat her like she's your last meal. It's like, hey, man, what about overcoming obstacles?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I thought we were doing life challenges.

[B]

Yeah. He's like, that's just boring.

[A]

Yeah. Is that the first one? That insane leap from, like, words of wisdom? I want to ask everybody out there a question. Have you ever wondered why couples lose sexual attraction over time? It's not always cheating. It's not always boredom. Psychology says attraction fades when mystery disappears. He's reading again. The brain releases dopamine. He just Googled something and reads it to you. Uncertainty. Okay, so it seems like he got

[B]

into that lane with this one. And then that was his first.

[A]

And then he was like, I ate a sweaty gym today.

[B]

Like, wow, it's such a drastic change, huh? Such a drastic change.

[A]

So cool, man. Well, we look forward to more wisdom. Please keep posting. Shirtless and oily.

[B]

I feel ill now. Why don't you? I was so happy about the score. Look at his tank top. What is this sexy tank top he's wearing?

[A]

I crave giving you the kind of pressure that makes your back arch without thinking. Your face, Irving into a pillow. Breath heavy, heart racing. I have one hand tangled tightly in your hair, guiding you, grounding you. Look firm on your hips. Press mute. Holding you against. He's like. It says, I followed you for the wisdom, not the freakology. And then. Is everything okay? You used to give good advice. I'm out, bro. People are like, what's going on? Oh, my God. I have no idea what I did to get here. Ooh, Nah. Unc. The fishnet tank.

[B]

Yeah, the tank is killing me. I thought it was a onesie. Or is it a leotard?

[A]

Yeah, this is.

[B]

That's horrendous.

[A]

He really made a leap, dude.

[B]

I can't. Please. This makes me feel so sick inside.

[A]

Okay. All right.

[B]

Can I plug my tour dates or something?

[A]

Sure, man.

[B]

You're making me feel gross. I was so happy.

[A]

Yeah, go ahead, man.

[B]

Go back to la.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

All right, here's what I'm doing, guys. I'm gonna do a small show in the Red Room at Cap City, April 9th. Just one little, tiny show. And then I'm going to do the Punchline in Irving, which is Phallus. Phallus, Texas, April 24th and 25th. And then I'm gonna go to Denver. To do what? Club Comedy works.

[A]

Yes, it does. Comedy and prayer.

[B]

That's right. May 14 through 16. And then one, no, two nights in Chicago at the Den theater in September. Buy your tickets now, Christina.

[A]

Pete. That's a really fun place. I've done that.

[B]

You have?

[A]

Yeah. The Den's awesome.

[B]

What's is it like in the round?

[A]

Kind yeah. Kind of like half. Half round. Yeah, it's very cool.

[B]

That's really neat.

[A]

Yeah. See it's like circular stage there.

[B]

Yeah. I gotta say, I'm very excited about the material I'm doing, you know, Cuz I feel like I've had a total life change since I almost died from cancer.

[A]

And same with Invisalign. Yeah, same.

[B]

Had my tits cut off and put. It's like it's trauma really makes you better, you know?

[A]

These teeth had to go back.

[B]

Do you feel like that?

[A]

I do feel like that a lot.

[B]

Did your jaw realign? Like, are you fixed now?

[A]

Not completely, but yeah, it's definitely been a huge change for me too. I don't think you should hijack change in life so much. Okay.

[B]

Also shouts, oh, buy my lipstick. I've got the perfect for the liquid lipstick. That is just insane and fun. Yeah. On my website. And then also shouts out to Juliet Lewis for sending me this T shirt. She did a collab with Wild Fang.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

It's an outfit she sent me, so.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

Doing the Rocky Horror Picture show in Judor titties. I will be going there to see it.

[A]

That's awesome.

[B]

Yeah, I can't wait to see it. I love Rocky Horror Show.

[A]

She's awesome.

[B]

She's great.

[A]

Oh, a Chicho Bomba update. Oh, we have the fairground location. We have a, a little location now. 101 West 6th Street. So if you're downtown in, in Austin, you can go to the, to that one. It's like a little walk up location. And then the, the main one on Lamar opens in May, so it'll be at least for some time. There'll be three. Three spots you can get them at.

[B]

Yeah, we. Oh my God. We're always walking by the one on Lamar. We always peek in there, the boys and I.

[A]

It's gonna be awesome.

[B]

It's so good. I can't eat this during the show.

[A]

I know. Tough to resist.

[B]

Talk about my legs, they don't talk to chicks. Talk about my height, they don't talk to chicks. See, the physique speaks for itself.

[A]

You know what I mean?

[B]

Steps outside looking like the Pillsbury Doughboy, man. Listen, I tell you guys, bro, it's not one that I won't go up and talk to in person, bro. You guys look in the mirror and say the same. I don't think so, bro. My or talk right now. Hold on. Keep it filming. Just gonna let my aura talk. Keep it. It's Ferma. He said firmament no, like, strong aura. Keep aura.

[A]

Let my aura talk. Oh.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Like, his aura is thinking.

[B]

I got it. What's 225?

[A]

I think it's how much he benches. I don't know. It's everywhere, though.

[B]

Good for him.

[A]

Yeah. 225. 225. 225. 225. I don't know.

[B]

Or is that his area code? You know, sometimes people do that.

[A]

People do that a lot, too. Yeah. I don't know. I don't know if you put it that many times on yourself, but maybe you would. So I guess people are critiquing his legs, and he was like, there's no chick I won't talk to.

[B]

Are his legs good?

[A]

They're saying they're under because he's got a developed upper body. A lot of guys have developed upper bodies and they neglect their legs. You know, they're saying he has skinny legs.

[B]

Oh, okay.

[A]

For the record, I wasn't criticizing you, bro. No, I think you have a very good physique.

[B]

No, he looks great.

[A]

You look great.

[B]

I think he's balanced, you know?

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Looks great.

[A]

She'll talk to you.

[B]

I'll talk to you. Holler at me, brother.

[A]

Between. Between him and David. You're gonna have yourself. Your David. Your day's full.

[B]

That only takes 60 seconds. That's the rest of the day.

[A]

You can spend your day with Aura.

[B]

Who would you rather spend the day? Who would you rather spend the day with?

[A]

Well, they're both incredibly full of shit in different ways, so it kind of depends on whose fucking shit you feel like. The thing with Dave is, you'd be like, I don't know, man. What do you think about this? And he'd be like, hold on, let me Google that real quick. And then he'd be like. The thing is, when people go. He would just start reading you stuff. This guy's nonsense would be exhausting in a different way.

[B]

Yeah, he's psychotic.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. He's just like.

[B]

He's talking in circles all day.

[A]

Let my aura do the talking. Is some real crazy, Laura. He's just like, you feel. You feel me? You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. They would both wear you out, though.

[B]

So fast.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

So fast.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, this guy would.

[A]

He would not be enlightening conversations, you know?

[B]

No. It would be torture on both ends. At least this guy won't try to have sex with me.

[A]

What are you talking about?

[B]

You know, I. No way. I'm not. The black guy would go for me because I'm his age, this guy would be repulsed by me. So that would be off the table.

[A]

No, but he'd be like, you know what? My nut. My nuts are full right now.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Well, that's 225.

[A]

Yeah. 225. You could get a little 225 action in there. Yeah. He'd still give it to you.

[B]

Cool. Yeah, thanks. I feel better.

[A]

But it'd be like a gift to you, though.

[B]

Of course. Yeah.

[A]

He'd be like, I do you a favor. You seem like a nice lady. Bend over. Yeah.

[B]

Where are some cool girls? Don't I have some cool ladies for Tom? I feel like it's not cool. I get the cool guys.

[A]

Let me see.

[B]

I found a few on TikTok that I was sending you. Privately, you don't respond. There's an old lady who simulates dribbling come out of her mouth. Is that on my TikTok?

[A]

Jesus Christ.

[B]

And the other day, she goes, this is for Steve. Oh, I want to do some stunts.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And I tagged him. And then he liked it.

[A]

He did.

[B]

He acknowledged.

[A]

Yeah. She wanted to do, like, only fans with him. That was cool. She's really old, too.

[B]

No, she's rad. You think old people. See, this is because we just think old people don't anymore.

[A]

No, I know they. But. But, like, when an old lady's like, I am putting myself on camera to make a living, it. It does kind of affect me.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's not my favorite. Hey, let's have a. So let's try to have a giggle real quick, though.

[B]

Oh, boy. Oh, no.

[A]

It's a new sport. Oh, Smug. Oh, my God.

[B]

What country is this?

[A]

It seems like it's like New Zealand or.

[B]

Yeah, they would. Or Aussie. Aussie football, like, would do this.

[A]

I mean, this is a really dumb way of. Of seeing notepads. Two behemoths running full speed at each other with no protection. I mean, you're seeing people get knocked out and have, like, seizures.

[B]

It's great. Can we go to this, though?

[A]

We can go. Yeah.

[B]

Can I see some more? I'm kind of into it, actually. Let me just see the clip again, because I was too horrified the first time.

[A]

Yeah, that's. Now I'm kind of feeling the new sportly called run nation.

[B]

Run nation.

[A]

The intensity of rugby and football. Hit two, opponents are 40 yards apart. Holy shit. Most players suffer concussions. Yeah, no shit. God damn.

[B]

Well, because rugby, they don't wear a ton of padding, do they?

[A]

Both knocked out. Oh, My God. Good night, Irene. I just saw this thing where this, I guess a physicist was. You know, in football you run 40 yards. It's like a measurable. They always clock like, who run the speed with which you run 40 yards. So like the super, super fast guys run like four, three, you know, sometimes below four three, but that's like super elite. And then, you know, as guys get a little Heavier, they'll run 4, 4, 4, 5, which is still super fast. Then really big guys, like 300 plus pound guys, you know, they don't run as fast. But there was a guy that ran. He ran the 40 yard dash in like 4 8, and he was 315 pounds, which is. That's moving for a guy that size. And the physicist broke down the amount of force generated from that. Right. He did the whole calculation. He basically said that it's equivalent to, to somebody dropping. Like if that, if that were to hit you. 315 pounds at that speed, that's the equivalent of somebody dropping 1600 pounds one meter. So like basically three, like that's what it would feel like. And you're like, that is so much force.

[B]

Force equals mass times acceleration.

[A]

And then you see this and you're like, that's what's happening here.

[B]

Yes. Mass accelerating.

[A]

That's why they say the NFL hits are like car accidents. You know, like that's the equivalent to a car accident.

[B]

Accident.

[A]

Which.

[B]

That's crazy.

[A]

It's really crazy.

[B]

You know when people are like. People are like, there's no difference between men and women.

[A]

Yeah. Now the cool thing is if they did this with women, they would die.

[B]

But only boys. Boys are so like men are. The women would never do this.

[A]

I know.

[B]

You would never.

[A]

See, and then why.

[B]

It's just not in our nature. Well, no, because we're dumb and stupid.

[A]

There you go.

[B]

Yeah, because we're the dumb ones.

[A]

Here's the. This is for you. Here you go.

[B]

Forklift. Forklift safety, man.

[A]

Yeah, man.

[B]

It's real thing.

[A]

It's a real thing.

[B]

It's. People get into a lot of forklift accidents.

[A]

You got to tell them, man.

[B]

You got to do safety training. I'm serious.

[A]

Can't just get on that thing and think this is going to happen.

[B]

No, dude, they're dangerous, I'm telling you. Oh, that's not good. That's a bad country. You put a crab on that guy's balls or something.

[A]

Something. He hooked it onto his nuts.

[B]

That's rad.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Hi. Hi. Hi.

[A]

That's a foreign yell for my nuts.

[B]

Hurt?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, it's like a chip clip.

[A]

It's pretty cool.

[B]

Hi. This is not good. This is Russian. Nope. I knew it.

[A]

Wow. He. He handled it well. He just was like, fucking ankle. He's like, look at this Slavic shit, dude. Yeah.

[B]

No, you don't. He's not gonna cry like a piece of.

[A]

Breaking something in a celebration has to feel the worst, dude. That's got to be the lowest feeling you can have.

[B]

I know, because you just. It's so much regret when you break something. The whole. When you break a bone. The next eight weeks are just spent lamenting that moment before the thing happens.

[A]

It's happened in football and basketball, too, where somebody has been celebrating and, like, headbutted the wall and then they get injured. It's just. You gotta feel.

[B]

So this guy's like, why did I do that? Leave. Oh, is it Porta Potty,

[A]

Dude?

[B]

He was taking his holy. He's like, I'll. Come on, man.

[A]

And they're like, just a prank, dude. Yeah, we're just around. I think. Almost took his head off, man. Jesus Christ.

[B]

That wasn't a prank. That was not. That was deliberate.

[A]

It says the operator decided to smash the. While his supervisor was pooping. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, my God, dude.

[A]

Oh. Ultimately, he was terminated. Yeah. He was fired.

[B]

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Guess you're not allowed to do that.

[B]

I love so much, but you know how much PTSD you would have from this. You wouldn't be able to sit down and take a.

[A]

Forever.

[B]

Forever.

[A]

I know. It would scare you. So much. So much.

[B]

That sucks. Oh, there she is. This is a grandma. No, no, play it. Tom, this is yours. This one's for you. She's so horny, dude. You don't think she'd be a good time, huh? You don't like her? Come on, play some more.

[A]

Okay, yeah, let's just.

[B]

Yeah, give her 60 seconds. Just saying hi to my fans. No, that's innocuous. Something saucy. Just saying hi, you know. There we go. There's one laying down in the mouth. Come on. There you go. She's in her hospital bed

[A]

now. Go to the one right before it. That one. There you go.

[B]

Hope you like it. Yeah, well, I'm hard.

[A]

I'm rack hard right now. I'm so hard.

[B]

Smash your pass, bro.

[A]

Oh, smash. Thousand smashes.

[B]

Yeah, do the mouth one.

[A]

Well, she's doing the spit thing a lot.

[B]

You can tell she loves to do that. Yes, I'm on that website, dude. It's so weird to see a horny grandma, huh?

[A]

Jesus, this thing called.

[B]

Oh, he smelled golden girls horn cuts. Why is it so weird? That one's the worst one.

[A]

Oh, Jesus. There's the whipped cream. Look at her drink the whipped cream. Yeah.

[B]

Oh, hell yeah, dude, get that. Whip it. That's it. That wasn't even sexy, dude.

[A]

Well, she's letting you know she swallows the white stuff.

[B]

Oh, it's a chocolate one.

[A]

Oh. Oh.

[B]

Oh, damn.

[A]

And he's in now he's like. Well, that kind of reminds me of something.

[B]

This is crazy. Crazy, dude.

[A]

Oh, and she's into the. Oh, man.

[B]

Insane clown. Pos.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, she's wearing the perfect red. It's my lipstick. Thank you. Shouts out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Shout out to my Christina P. Lip.

[A]

Shout out to ICP the whole crew.

[B]

We gotta send her some lipstick. Hell yeah. Oh, I would love her to do some.

[A]

She'll definitely do it. Wait, can you scroll up all the way? And what's in her links? Oh, yeah, hit her link. Oh, man. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Let me at least give her a plug.

[A]

I'm 86. I show full nudity when chatting with subscribers. I offer boy girl content.

[B]

We gotta subscribe. What are you doing?

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Get in there, man. We need to start getting into her. Her name is Grandma Linda.

[A]

I got it.

[B]

Linda Hope. Give her a shout out. Come on. Let this woman make a living.

[A]

She's born in 1939.

[B]

Hell yeah, dude.

[A]

Get.

[B]

That's what's up. She's the world's oldest, only fans model.

[A]

This doesn't make you sad?

[B]

No, she's living. She loves this. She's doing this by choice.

[A]

You don't know what the hell you're talking about.

[B]

Yes, she is. She has Social Security. She's got money. She's not Destiny.

[A]

She's got. You don't know. She's got money.

[B]

She does. She looks like she's got money.

[A]

Really? That was the. That to you, the background. You're like, this person's got some money, man.

[B]

Yeah, but 86. Like, you got to want it to get it this hard. Do you know what I'm saying? You can't fake this much at 86. No, hoes can't fake it this hard at 86.

[A]

You don't know what hoes can do. Hoes can do whatever.

[B]

You don't know what.

[A]

I tell you what hoes can do. Hoes can put their mind to anything and get it done. Oh, yeah.

[B]

You know Linda.

[A]

I know hoes.

[B]

You don't know hoes.

[A]

Look.

[B]

Oh, yeah, this. This is a tick tock I curated. Why don't you love me like that?

[A]

What?

[B]

Why don't you love me like that?

[A]

I mean, I get it.

[B]

Sniff my pits. So this couple's really into pheromones. And he's into sniffing her pits in public and getting all charged up. Yeah, whatever.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

I didn't say anything against it.

[A]

I like it.

[B]

I wish you would sniff my pits a little bit.

[A]

Ugh.

[B]

Ah, This is my new.

[A]

Is that the guy that won to Kill Tony last week?

[B]

Probably, yes. This guy does all kinds of horrendous,

[A]

and I love him. Crazy.

[B]

So good, dude.

[A]

Whoa, whoa.

[B]

White people, right? Any. It's like a moose calling competition. This is European for sure. This is Western European, though. Just a German, I think.

[A]

Yeah, that was really cool. Thanks for showing me that you like that.

[B]

It's a contest between men, Eddie.

[A]

I forgot that. Would you smash Grandma Linda? Hell, yeah. What are you talking about? Okay, at least once, Josh. Just for the experience.

[B]

I mean, why not? She seems nice. You guys are so cougar.

[A]

You too.

[B]

No. Oh, yeah.

[A]

Just for the story. Wow. I bet it be good. That's. That's all I'm saying. Ladies, would you hook up with David, the guy that can make you tremble in 60 seconds?

[B]

Hell, no. No, no. Why, absolutely not. Of course. Is that Caitlyn, my love? I can't see. That's Carly. Oh, Carly, Carly. It's Carly all day.

[A]

What you heard? Yeah. All right.

[B]

What you heard. She's in the Wells Fargo, right? No, it's Kiss my. What you heard.

[A]

Okay, Ms. Carla.

[B]

It's Carly all day.

[A]

That's Carla, though.

[B]

Oh, it's Carla.

[A]

Yeah, yeah. Okay, Ms. Carla, you need to leave. What you heard the. So I can't believe they wouldn't give David a shot, though.

[B]

Well, I think it's the tongue. I mean, would you guys give him a shot if he didn't do the tongue thing at the end?

[A]

I'm thinking it's more than the tongue.

[B]

Say the tongue, actually, I would let happen.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Oh, wow. That's the other thing that I'm scared of. What, his dong? Yeah.

[A]

Oh, you don't see his dong, though?

[B]

Yeah. What? Well, I mean, he said 60 seconds. He didn't say 60 seconds. Only tongue.

[A]

Oh, okay.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

So she's willing to give the tongue a shot.

[B]

Okay. All right. Okay.

[A]

Yeah, though.

[B]

That makes sense. I don't know.

[A]

You wouldn't.

[B]

We have to listen to this guy tell you how great he is and talking to you. Yeah, I don't want to hear all that.

[A]

It's only 60 seconds though. Yeah. Whole life changes.

[B]

All right, I'll do it.

[A]

Okay, cool.

[B]

No, just watch. Keep your eyes on the prize. So these are pedicures for people is severe foot problems. Look at those carbuncles there.

[A]

Ooh,

[B]

look at that. Look at that transformation steaming them. That looks so much better. So much better, huh? That looks so much better. It's just the crust is what. Really?

[A]

Uhuh. Thank you.

[B]

Why is the skin all dark like that? Is that. Oh, it's rot. It could be frostbite. Yeah. The nails of toe fungus. You know, Dr. Drew told me that it's inevitable that your toenails will get fungus as you age.

[A]

That's cool.

[B]

Something fun.

[A]

All right, well, let's see the next one. All right, guys, I'm having sea bass today. My mom made it and this is what I have on.

[B]

Yep. Okay, well, show me the sea bass. You're not going to show me the sea.

[A]

Here's the sea bass.

[B]

No, but let me look at it. Okay. Thank you. I wish you guys a happy day.

[A]

Let me give it another turn.

[B]

Oh, thanks. Yeah, he looks good. That's a cute outfit.

[A]

What do you think's going on with him?

[B]

What's not? He's got a good day. He's got a great outfit on. He's got some sea bass. What do you mean, what's wrong with him?

[A]

I didn't say what's wrong with him. I said what's going on with him?

[B]

He's having some sea bass. He just fucking told you, dummy. Pay attention.

[A]

Okay. All right. That's really cool. Thanks for showing me that. Fucking unreal.

[B]

Mm. There's still people out in doorways looking for shelter. And I think a lot of people think this is why we shouldn't allow hedge funds to own residential property. And so what we were talking about earlier too is a little bit of the nostalgia aspect. Right. How this feels kind of like back in the 90s when we were growing up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like we were saying.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It was much, much more snow, colder winters.

[A]

And again, private equity didn't own so much of the housing stock in America.

[B]

Thank you so much. It's a true American hero right there. And it was live. That's the best.

[A]

She's like, all right.

[B]

He's like, yeah, yeah.

[A]

When black rock didn't own the country. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Ah, what a patriot. This is a sedation dematting. We safely put her under twilight anesthesia. And she was under for just about an hour and a half.

[A]

Ish. A little less to get her hair done.

[B]

Wasn't in any press pause, no pain. And she was. No, this is not just to get your hair done. This is a dematting a day modding under Anastasia. It's for, I guess, people who don't brush their hair ever. And then they have to be sedated because it's too painful to do it.

[A]

Otherwise you think you wake up like. Like it just hurts so bad when you wake up.

[B]

I would just shave my head. Some people just don't brush able to wake up. And her hair was fully demeter. Assistant helping out. After we fully dematted, we started to wash her. You guys, stay tuned for the next video and show her the results.

[A]

Holy.

[B]

Just brush your hair.

[A]

So she's just for someone who neglected themselves, basically?

[B]

I think so. I mean, look, I. If I'm betting. Yeah, mental illness, homelessness, things of that nature.

[A]

Like that. You think it's like that or. No?

[B]

I know it's like that.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Why is everybody talk like that? Actually it was like low key and

[A]

then she could like nap, twilight nap while we dim knotted her hair.

[B]

Dead ass.

[A]

This is. Christ. Okay. This was fun.

[B]

Seriously, this was so much fun.

[A]

I'm glad to be back.

[B]

I'm glad to be back too.

[A]

It's great to be in Austin.

[B]

Literally.

[A]

The weather's getting warmer. Yeah, it's like proper springtime bikini season. Seriously, give me 60 seconds, I'll make you calm and yeah, it's good to be back. It's good to see everybody here. I can't wait to see the signs. I'm gonna go check them out.

[B]

We'll post them online. Put them on the YMH account.

[A]

Sounds good.

[B]

Buy tickets to my shows. Please purchase my lipsticks and go to Chicho Bomba in atx.

[A]

Come get some. Come get some treats.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

God damn it. It's too delicious.

[B]

So I'm gonna eat that right now, bro.

[A]

All right, I'll see you guys.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

Bye. She made me do copious amounts of cocaine with her to the point I thought my heart was gonna stop.

[B]

She told me to calm down, gave me a drink.

[A]

And I don't know what was in the drink, but I blacked out. When I woke up, she had both my legs over her shoulders.

[B]

So nobody's paid me to confess this now. And I've kept it under wraps for

[A]

all these years because I knew that no one would believe. Hillary Clinton ate my. Hillary clinton. Make my asshole. Hillary clinton. Make my asshole. Hillary clinton. Make my asshole.

[B]

Can Hillary do this to you?

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

You wouldn't mind?

[A]

Why would I mind?

[B]

She's a little bossy. It's fine.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it wouldn't be that fun, but, I mean, I would still do it.

[B]

You know, I.

[A]

Again, I would just do it for the story.

[B]

I think Hills would be fine with a few in her.

[A]

Do you have any idea what kind of story that is?

[B]

I can't believe it happened.

[A]

I know. I mean, this guy's telling it to

[B]

his YouTube channel, but, yeah, it must have happened before she was married to Bill.

[A]

I don't think that's what he's saying.

[B]

Oh, you think this is, like, recent?

[A]

Of course.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

Recent, as in at least during their marriage. Hillary Clinton, hate my. Hillary clinton, Hate my. Hillary clinton, Hate my asshole. Hillary clinton, Hate my asshole.

[B]

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