Tom's DMT Voyage | Your Mom's House Ep. 798 - Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Summary4 min read

Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura – Episode 798: Tom's DMT Voyage

Release Date: February 19, 2025

In episode 798 of Your Mom's House, hosts Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura delve into their recent spiritual getaway to Sedona, sharing humorous and candid insights from their experiences, including Tom's psychedelic journey with DMT. The episode is a blend of heartfelt discussions, comedic anecdotes, and sharp observations on everyday topics.

1. Sedona Getaway and Spiritual Adventures

The episode kicks off with Christina and Tom recounting their trip to Sedona, a renowned destination for its spiritual vortexes and high vibrations. Christina describes Sedona as "a high vibration place" filled with energy and mysticism, highlighting the allure of the location for their spiritual journey.

Notable Quote:

Christina P. [03:28]: "We went on a spiritual journey and even experienced a sound bath."

2. Tom’s DMT Experience

A significant portion of the conversation revolves around Tom's first-time experience with DMT. He details the process of smoking DMT with a local named Sage, describing the intense visuals and sensations he encountered. Tom humorously narrates his struggle with the experience, including unanticipated interruptions that added a layer of comedy to his psychedelic voyage.

Notable Quotes:

Tom Segura [03:54]: "I put it in a pipe... It felt like something was holding you down in the seat."

Christina P. [05:14]: "I didn’t authorize that kind of stuff."

Tom elaborates on the visual aspects of his trip, mentioning vivid imagery like a "red caterpillar that had fire going around" and "bones turning in circles," showcasing the profound and sometimes bizarre nature of his experience.

3. Hilarity Ensues: The Fart Incident

During the sound bath, Christina inadvertently passes gas, much to both their embarrassment and amusement. The incident becomes a humorous highlight, illustrating the unpredictable nature of such spiritual activities.

Notable Quotes:

Tom Segura [07:03]: "But somebody was kind of the leader in that department. Remember who that was?"

Christina P. [08:29]: "I did not know that you farted in her face."

4. Victoria's Secret Dressing Room Mishap

Transitioning from their spiritual tales, Christina shares a funny story about visiting Victoria's Secret post-meal. After indulging in Panda Express's orange chicken, she experiences sudden diarrhea in the dressing room, leading to a series of comedic exchanges between her and Tom.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P. [18:19]: "I just took a diarrhea in the dressing room because I ate too much orange chicken."

Tom Segura [21:18]: "You should flip the order. You buy your lingerie first, and then fill up with diarrhea food."

5. Rants on the Service Industry

Christina and Tom voice their frustrations with the declining quality of service in various industries. From overzealous waitstaff to unhelpful retail employees, they dissect the challenges of modern customer service, especially in the wake of the COVID-19 pandemic.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P. [38:28]: "The house as much anymore because people left who had some of these jobs and replaced it with the B squad."

Tom Segura [39:55]: "You have to read a room and you gotta know when to."

6. Comedic Interludes: Drive-Through Happy Birthdays

Adding to the episode's comedic flair, Christina and Tom perform skits where they attempt to wish patrons "Happy Birthday" at drive-throughs using exaggerated accents. These segments are filled with playful banter and exaggerated reactions, embodying the show's signature humor.

Notable Quote:

Christina P. [60:13]: "Happy birthday. It's your birthday. So stupid. It's so dumb to hand somebody a chip and you're like, happy birthday."

7. Open Defecation and Cultural Observations

In a surprising pivot, the hosts discuss open defecation practices in rural India, blending factual information with their characteristic humor. While tackling a serious topic, Christina and Tom interject jokes and personal anecdotes, making the conversation both informative and entertaining.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P. [81:14]: "Every day these talks are getting dumber and dumber in villages in India."

Tom Segura [82:32]: "Lack of readily accessible toilets, deeply ingrained cultural norms that accept the practice."

8. Conspiracy Theories: Brigitte Macron as a Man

The episode takes a controversial turn when Christina introduces a conspiracy theory suggesting that Brigitte Macron, the First Lady of France, is actually a man who underwent a gender transition. Citing false AI analyses and fabricated genealogical evidence, she challenges listeners to reconsider public perceptions.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P. [91:00]: "Brigitte Macron is actually the little boy here on the left. I'm telling you, bro."

Tom Segura [91:08]: "But why does AI analysis...?"

9. Final Thoughts and Closing Remarks

As the episode wraps up, Christina and Tom reflect on the day's discussions, expressing a mix of amusement and exasperation. They acknowledge the chaotic and unpredictable nature of their conversations, promising more entertaining content in future episodes.

Notable Quotes:

Christina P. [96:11]: "It was really fun."

Tom Segura [96:11]: "We love you. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week."

Highlights:

Sedona Trip: Insights into their spiritual endeavors and Tom's DMT experience.
Humorous Incidents: From unexpected bodily functions during a sound bath to a dressing room mishap.
Service Industry Critique: Sharp observations on the decline in customer service standards.
Comedic Skits: Entertaining drive-through "Happy Birthday" attempts.
Cultural Commentary: A blend of humor and critique on open defecation practices.
Controversial Theories: Bold and unverified claims about public figures.

Conclusion:

Episode 798 of Your Mom's House offers a rollercoaster of emotions and laughter, capturing the essence of Christina and Tom's dynamic partnership. Whether delving into personal experiences, critiquing societal norms, or engaging in off-the-cuff humor, the episode provides a comprehensive glimpse into the show's eclectic content. Listeners are left both entertained and reflective, eagerly anticipating the hosts' next adventurous discussions.

Loading summary

Transcript1,152 lines

[00:02]
Tom Segura
Well, welcome.
[00:03]
Christina P
Welcome to your mom's house. This cold and flu season. Instacart is here to help deliver all of your sick day essentials. Whether you're in prevention mode and need vitamins, hand sanitizer, and that lemon tea your nana swears by, or you're in healing mode and need medicine, soup and a lemon. Lot more tissues. Simply download the Instacart app to get sick day supplies that reinvigorate or relieve. Delivered in as fast as 30 minutes, plus enjoy. Zero delivery fees on your first three orders. Excludes restaurant orders. Service fees and terms apply. Tommy.
[00:43]
Tom Segura
Tommy.
[00:45]
Christina P
Tommy.
[00:46]
Tom Segura
Tommy. Yeah.
[00:48]
Christina P
Tommy. Yeah.
[00:49]
Tom Segura
Tommy.
[00:51]
Christina P
Yeah.
[00:52]
Tom Segura
Would you marry your dad? Just like, just.
[00:55]
Christina P
Just like the gays?
[00:57]
Tom Segura
Just like, just.
[00:58]
Christina P
Just like the gays.
[01:00]
Tom Segura
Just like, just.
[01:01]
Christina P
Just like the gays.
[01:03]
Tom Segura
Just like. Just like.
[01:04]
Christina P
Just like the gays.
[01:05]
Guest
Tommy, would you marry your son?
[01:09]
Tom Segura
Yes, of course. My God, I wish I could. Tommy, would you marry your dad? Oh, yeah. Yeah, of course I would do it. Christina, would you marry your son?
[01:20]
Christina P
Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah.
[01:23]
Tom Segura
Would you marry your dad?
[01:24]
Christina P
Yeah, of course. I live for this kind of. Yeah. Yeah.
[01:29]
Tom Segura
Just like, just. Just like the gays. Just like.
[01:33]
Christina P
All right, I'm ready. Just like the gays. I feel good now. You got it. Just like the gays.
[01:38]
Tom Segura
Just like. Just like a gaze.
[01:40]
Guest
Would you marry your mom?
[01:42]
Tom Segura
No.
[01:43]
Guest
Come on.
[01:44]
Tom Segura
I think I'd marry my dad.
[01:45]
Christina P
Okay. Christina. Yeah? Would you marry your mom? I don't. Please. No.
[01:52]
Tom Segura
Would you marry your dad? Yeah, of course. For sure.
[01:55]
Christina P
Yes. Yeah.
[01:59]
Tom Segura
Like, just like the gays.
[02:02]
Christina P
Like, just like the gays.
[02:05]
Tom Segura
Like, just like the gays. This is so good. Would you marry your dad? It's an appropriate song for some of the subjects today. Man, man, today's gonna be just rockin' we're on fire. We're rolling. There's so much to get into. There's so many interesting stories that some might not even expect that are going to be discussed today.
[02:26]
Christina P
Some revelations. Things revealed in the world. I'm so excited.
[02:30]
Tom Segura
The third apocalypse. The third eagle of the apocalypse. Satanic Revelations. Isn't his show something like that?
[02:36]
Christina P
Yeah. The third eagle of the apocalypse.
[02:38]
Tom Segura
William Tapley.
[02:39]
Christina P
Yeah.
[02:39]
Tom Segura
Often talks about.
[02:40]
Christina P
Vote for the Donald.
[02:42]
Tom Segura
He is a man. Yeah.
[02:45]
Christina P
Throw an eagle. Yeah. And he's always in front of those birds.
[02:48]
Tom Segura
So upsetting that he won't reach out to us.
[02:50]
Christina P
I know. It's like, we support him. We support his platform. We're all about his stuff. Wish he'd get it. I love you. I miss you. You've been gone for so long.
[03:03]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[03:04]
Christina P
What?
[03:04]
Tom Segura
No, I know.
[03:05]
Christina P
Thinking. You're thinking about something else.
[03:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I was looking at something on the board there, but. Oh, yeah. It's been very busy, very busy time all week.
[03:14]
Christina P
Now you're back.
[03:15]
Tom Segura
Now I'm back.
[03:15]
Christina P
Before that, we went to back. I'm here, Poly. I'm by you. We went to Sedona for a little getaway to get away from our children.
[03:24]
Tom Segura
That was awesome, days.
[03:25]
Christina P
That was amazing.
[03:26]
Tom Segura
Sedona is a beautiful place.
[03:27]
Christina P
It is a high vibration place. The aliens, there are vortexes. I visited a vortex alone. You did not join. That's okay. And we went on a spiritual journey.
[03:39]
Tom Segura
It was a spiritual journey and we even experienced a sound bath. I enjoyed the sound bath.
[03:48]
Christina P
Did you? This was your first one.
[03:50]
Tom Segura
I loved it.
[03:51]
Christina P
You did?
[03:51]
Tom Segura
I really did.
[03:52]
Christina P
Did you go on a journey in your mind?
[03:54]
Tom Segura
Actually, yes.
[03:55]
Christina P
Tell me where you went. Can you share with us?
[03:57]
Tom Segura
No, but what I'll say is that. I'll say what I told the sound bath Lady Echo is that she was like, you know, just let yourself go where it goes. And I went everywhere I. I had.
[04:10]
Christina P
You go into space.
[04:11]
Tom Segura
I went into space. But I mean, I had thoughts of. Like there was times I was thinking about our kids, thought about you, friends, feelings. Like it was a. It was a real visual kind of journey that I let the sound kind of guide me.
[04:24]
Christina P
What did you think about us? Were you like, how do I murder? How do I kill? How do I conceal the bodies? No, because I feel like that's a reprieve from what normally goes on in your brain, which is. I mean, yesterday I was watching the new Bridget Jones movie.
[04:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[04:41]
Christina P
And you came in and you were like, does chick stuff?
[04:44]
Tom Segura
And I'm like, how did I say it?
[04:46]
Christina P
This stupid ass gay chick stuff.
[04:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[04:48]
Christina P
And. And you were disappointed because there's no murder.
[04:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I was like, who gets killed in this? And you were like, no, nobody. I was like, oh, I don't want to watch this.
[04:56]
Christina P
Yeah. It's like what goes on in your mind all day is what goes on in there. So as a sound bath must have been a pretty crazy thing for you.
[05:06]
Tom Segura
It was enjoyable though. I really enjoyed it. Yeah, it was like the. I don't know, probably how long it lasts, 30 minutes, something like that.
[05:14]
Christina P
Maybe an hour.
[05:14]
Tom Segura
Okay. It's probably the only hour I didn't think about death in a long time. Yeah.
[05:20]
Christina P
You know what I liked is she had. So I don't know if you've ever done a sound bath people here, but it was cool. It's so fun because they have different sounds. Sound different sounds. Like one is like a rain.
[05:31]
Tom Segura
So see that? If you scroll up there, that second lady with. So it's sort of like that setup. She had all these types of instruments. Right. Objects that would make chimes. And then you lay down, you cover your eyes, which I'm a big fan of. I love eye covers. And you have a. You're. You're comfortable.
[05:49]
Christina P
Yeah.
[05:49]
Tom Segura
And then sounds begin.
[05:51]
Christina P
Well, hold on. Echo told us that was our lady, our sound guide. She before notified us that she would be calling in, remember this? Spirits from other dimensions to assist us on our journey. And I was like, well, hold on. I didn't authorize that kind of stuff.
[06:07]
Tom Segura
The interesting thing is some of those spirits sort of sounded like Mexican kitchen workers that were in the room next door. I was like, wow. Are the. Are the sound spirits named Jose and Lydia?
[06:19]
Christina P
Well, that was the fatal flaw of our sound bath, is that it took place in a conference room in a hotel. And every now and then, somebody would open the door. Open the door.
[06:29]
Tom Segura
He said, oh, okay. I closed door. And we were like, oh, okay.
[06:38]
Christina P
Kind of took us out of the moment and the journey.
[06:40]
Tom Segura
But then I would lose myself in it again.
[06:42]
Christina P
Yeah. It's easy to get back in. And I like the sounds. They sound like little twinkles. Like, twinkle. And then she walks around you.
[06:48]
Tom Segura
Yeah. So you would also get real loud. Whoa. And then you'd hear it fade to the next person.
[06:55]
Christina P
Yeah. And then I was so worried you would fart because you. We. It's at a higher altitude, Sedona, and we all had altitude farts.
[07:03]
Tom Segura
But somebody was kind of the leader in that department. Remember who that was?
[07:08]
Christina P
Is it me?
[07:08]
Tom Segura
That was you.
[07:09]
Christina P
Thank you.
[07:10]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[07:12]
Christina P
Well, I like that you're supportive of.
[07:14]
Tom Segura
I wouldn't call it support. It was probably the boldest thing that. I don't even know if you were aware that you did it, because it was so offensive that somebody was outdoors reading a book by a fire pit, clearly in just the most relaxed, enjoyable state. This woman was happy. She was at peace. She's reading outside. The climate was cool, but it was nice. The fire. And she's reading a book. And you walked right next to her and farted in her face. You farted in her face, and your ass was at her face level. And you just were like, hope you're enjoying the book. I did, like, right in her face, basically. And that she was. Just went like, does she really do. Yeah, of course.
[08:06]
Christina P
She was like, that's your interpretation of what happened? For me, it was just. I was trying to impress you, trying to get on your level.
[08:13]
Tom Segura
Did you notice her before you did that?
[08:14]
Christina P
No.
[08:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[08:15]
Christina P
Did not. Don't care. It's my vacation. This was my time in Sedona. I was connecting with higher vibrations.
[08:21]
Tom Segura
Vibrations are what she felt, too.
[08:25]
Christina P
I didn't know. I honestly did not know that I farted on a woman.
[08:27]
Tom Segura
It was. It merited an apology, just so you know.
[08:30]
Christina P
Really?
[08:30]
Tom Segura
Absolutely.
[08:31]
Christina P
I did not. I did not.
[08:33]
Tom Segura
I'm so embarrassed. Excuse me. Yeah.
[08:35]
Christina P
Oh, gosh. Now I feel bad.
[08:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[08:37]
Christina P
Well, yeah, I did not know that. I really didn't know that you farted in her face.
[08:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah. See, her whole week got ruined. Yeah.
[08:47]
Christina P
What did she look like?
[08:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[08:49]
Christina P
Oh, yeah. This is not my fault. Thank you for bringing this up. He just Googled that. Gas and bloating at high altitudes are common. Can be caused by a number of factors, including lower air pressure, trapped gas, and swallowing air. It's not my fault, is what I think Josh Zolo is trying to say. Thank you so much for being on.
[09:05]
Tom Segura
I mean, you pushed it out. It wasn't like, oh, how did this happen? You know, it's. You push.
[09:10]
Christina P
I wanted to impress you. What's so bad about wanting your spouse's approval? That's our love language, baby.
[09:15]
Tom Segura
That's true. That is true.
[09:16]
Christina P
I love. I really enjoyed Sedona. I like that you and I did that. And then you went on a little bit of a psychedelic.
[09:22]
Tom Segura
I did a little extra journey. I met a cool local named Sage, and they have the coolest names there. Echo. And I smoke DMT with them.
[09:35]
Christina P
Just a stranger at the place we were staying at. But that's Sedona.
[09:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And I gotta say, visual journey.
[09:42]
Christina P
Tell me about it. Because I've never done that. I've never done that.
[09:45]
Tom Segura
I was scared as.
[09:46]
Christina P
And I was scared, too.
[09:47]
Tom Segura
And he was like, no, dude, you're not. It's because I was just thinking. I always compare, like, something like that. Anything that's presented to me, like mushrooms. I was. Or like, ayahuasca. Anything. I always think of edibles. And I'm like, man, you know how a strong edible will, like, wreck you?
[10:07]
Christina P
Yeah, dude.
[10:07]
Tom Segura
So I was like, that's all. I keep going. That's my. For whatever reason, that's my reference point. I was like. I was like, oh, man. Because people talk about, like, breakthroughs and. And, you know, these journeys. I'm like, is this going to be like a. A 200 milligram edible? He kept saying, no, but like, also like, yeah, but. But prepare yourself, you know? I was like, all right. And I was worried about it. And I was like, fuck. And so we sat by this fire pit. There was no one farting and we just sat there.
[10:40]
Christina P
What's the point?
[10:41]
Tom Segura
I know. And then I guess dmt, pure dmt, has a lower burning point.
[10:46]
Christina P
What does that mean?
[10:48]
Tom Segura
That, like the. You don't need high flame for it to.
[10:53]
Christina P
Yo, I didn't even know you light it. Like crack.
[10:56]
Tom Segura
I mean, I didn't think of crack. I thought of.
[10:59]
Christina P
How do you take it? It's like a pipe.
[11:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I put it in a pipe.
[11:02]
Christina P
Oh my God, dude. Like opium or crack?
[11:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah. So he was like, you know, you ever smoke crack? I was like, yeah.
[11:09]
Christina P
And who has it?
[11:11]
Tom Segura
And so what they do is they put the DMT in, they pack it around weed so that the weed kind.
[11:17]
Christina P
Of burns around it. What does the DMT look like? Is it sticky? Like opium white?
[11:24]
Tom Segura
Yeah, like crack. Crack.
[11:25]
Christina P
Like crack crack?
[11:26]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[11:27]
Christina P
You smoked rocks, bro?
[11:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[11:29]
Christina P
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[14:21]
Tom Segura
It's just like cool crack.
[14:22]
Christina P
Okay, so it's. It's sprinkled in with pot so that you get. See that? The pot alone would make me crazy. Can you do it purely without?
[14:30]
Tom Segura
I guess you can, but I think it burns easier if you have the. That's what I was told. All right. I'm. I'm not the expert.
[14:35]
Christina P
I was too scared to touch it.
[14:37]
Tom Segura
I know.
[14:37]
Christina P
You were like, do you want to go into the forest with this guy I met.
[14:41]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[14:42]
Christina P
And do dmt? I was like, no, I don't.
[14:44]
Tom Segura
They got DMT pens now? Yeah, they got DMT pens.
[14:47]
Christina P
I'm scared.
[14:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah. This is my first time, so I've been offered the. The pens before. I haven't done it. But anyway, he was like, you know, he was like, get naked. And I was like, okay. And he's like, you know, I'll sit on your lap. This will make you relax.
[15:02]
Christina P
Y.
[15:03]
Tom Segura
So once we got massage. Sexual massage, just kind of. But no, totally not sexual, actually. Just like perennial. Like you just rub each other's prostate and you're like, all right, I'm ready. I'm ready. And then. Yes.
[15:17]
Christina P
Will Blunderfeld there?
[15:19]
Tom Segura
No, no, no, no. Not like that. But then. So we kiss a little bit and then he gives me the pipe and.
[15:26]
Christina P
Wait. His name is Sage?
[15:27]
Tom Segura
Yeah. He goes, take three. Take three hits.
[15:30]
Christina P
Three hits.
[15:31]
Tom Segura
Yeah, he goes, the first, the. After the second one, you're not going to want the third one, but you need the Third one. That's what he said.
[15:37]
Christina P
But you need it. You're not going to want it, but you need it. Yeah.
[15:40]
Tom Segura
I was like, okay. So I pulled the first one. He was like, oh, that's a good pull. And then I was like, go. Second one. He's like, and now the third. Do that.
[15:50]
Christina P
Third. Dang.
[15:51]
Tom Segura
Okay. And I did the third. And. Yeah, you go. I just, like. I felt like something was, like, holding you down in the seat. Like, I couldn't really move.
[16:03]
Christina P
Sounds terrible. And you were. You were in a chair.
[16:06]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And so you're comfortable.
[16:08]
Christina P
Like, okay. So you're like. You go back in your chair. Like heroin, kind of. Right. You're like. And you feel heavy.
[16:13]
Tom Segura
Yeah, kind of. Yeah. Yeah, Kind of heavy in the head. And I couldn't open my eyes.
[16:18]
Christina P
Did that scare you?
[16:19]
Tom Segura
No, because the visuals were started to become, like, really in your brain.
[16:23]
Christina P
Like, you're popping in your brain.
[16:25]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[16:25]
Christina P
You're seeing, like, neurons and stuff, all.
[16:28]
Tom Segura
Kinds of shapes and colors. And, you know, I saw a bunch of, like. So this red caterpillar that had, like, fire going around.
[16:36]
Christina P
You're not telling me. Tell me.
[16:38]
Tom Segura
I swear.
[16:38]
Christina P
A caterpillar?
[16:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah, red one.
[16:40]
Christina P
Like Alice in Wonderland.
[16:41]
Tom Segura
Like fire red. Yeah.
[16:42]
Christina P
That's tight.
[16:43]
Tom Segura
Yeah. And things were, like, moving and then bones that were turning in circles. And then I was, like, really enjoying it. And then one time he was. Oh, we did it a second time. So then he was like, I don't know if you really got the full thing. Let's do it again. So we did it a second time, and he put more in there. And then on the second time, I was really like, whoa, seeing all this shit. And then he goes, wait, after I was over, he's like, what'd you see there? I go, why? He goes, you went like this. I was like, oh, watching you. Yeah, he was watching. He goes, there was. I go, there's a blue dragon that kept, like, trying to bite. He goes, yeah, because you went. And then. And then the next day when I saw him walk around, he went.
[17:26]
Christina P
Did he cup your balls to comfort you?
[17:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah. He was just like, come in my hand. Yeah, that's what I did.
[17:31]
Christina P
Because he gave you drugs that floored you, and then he was watching you fry. Like watching you take a journey.
[17:36]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[17:36]
Christina P
That doesn't sound remote.
[17:37]
Tom Segura
Well, he was jacking off, so that's. Yeah, yeah. So we haven't even opened the show.
[17:42]
Christina P
Hold on, I've got so many more questions.
[17:43]
Tom Segura
Well, those are the end of your questions. Here we go. Let's Open the show.
[17:49]
Christina P
I'm outside Victoria's Secret. The secret is that I just took a diarrhea in the dressing room because I ate too much orange chicken. Oh. At the Panda Express. So good. I get it. I love that entre.
[18:05]
Tom Segura
That's the secret. Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura, Dina.
[18:20]
Christina P
Welcome to your mom's house.
[18:57]
Tom Segura
Bam.
[18:58]
Christina P
I didn't even tell you what happened to me in my vortex.
[19:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[19:01]
Christina P
Today. So I went to a vortex in Sedona. It's a spiritual location in Sedona where you get downloads and, you know, your high vibrations. And I didn't get any, but I got to see a bird fly at, like, my eye level, bro. Like a black crow. It was, like, chilling, like, right there.
[19:20]
Tom Segura
And I was like, oh, that was worth it.
[19:23]
Christina P
Have you ever seen a crow fly, like, right at your island? Yeah, dude. You know what I'm saying? I was too scared to do the drugs, but I. I tripped out on a.
[19:31]
Tom Segura
That's okay.
[19:32]
Christina P
Bro was, like, talking to me. He was all. He's all, let go.
[19:35]
Tom Segura
I asked Sage for more dmt.
[19:39]
Christina P
I'm not digging that stuff.
[19:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I was like, send some, bro.
[19:41]
Christina P
Oh. Because you know what? I've done LSD in my formative years.
[19:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[19:45]
Christina P
I don't know why I'm whispering. I don't know either, but I. I don't need to see stuff anymore.
[19:51]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[19:51]
Christina P
But that's. I'm happy for you.
[19:53]
Tom Segura
Yeah. I enjoyed it.
[19:54]
Christina P
Learn anything?
[19:55]
Tom Segura
No, it was just, like. It was a nice. But it was a good experience.
[19:57]
Christina P
Yeah.
[19:58]
Tom Segura
I enjoyed it. Yeah. It was the opposite of scary.
[20:01]
Christina P
That's nice.
[20:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[20:01]
Christina P
That isn't scary. Okay. Okay. So this. This. I have so many thoughts about this opening clip.
[20:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[20:08]
Christina P
I mean, first of all, orange chicken at Panda Express. The secret is that I just took a diarrhea.
[20:17]
Tom Segura
That's Victoria's Secret.
[20:20]
Christina P
I understand. She's in a mall. Clearly. She went to the food court.
[20:23]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[20:24]
Christina P
Get it. Why not find a toilet? I've had diarrhea in the mall here at the Domain. One time I was at Free People, and I felt diarrhea coming on. You know what I did?
[20:32]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[20:33]
Christina P
I left and I looked for a toilet, and I found one.
[20:35]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[20:36]
Christina P
Malls have toilets. So my question is, was she trying on a thong?
[20:40]
Tom Segura
And don't think so. I'm looking. I don't think it's the thought.
[20:45]
Christina P
Yeah. I don't think she's trying on stuff at Victoria.
[20:47]
Tom Segura
I think she went in there just to. In the dressing.
[20:49]
Christina P
Shut the front Door.
[20:50]
Tom Segura
I mean, look at her.
[20:51]
Christina P
Who does that? Her?
[20:53]
Tom Segura
What do you think? That lays above where she shouldn't?
[20:56]
Christina P
But then. Is she in her pants? And the. No, no, no. She's pulling down her pants and then going into the. The room.
[21:03]
Tom Segura
She went from Panda Express to Victoria's Secret. First of all, this woman's a menace.
[21:09]
Christina P
Hey, what's wrong with those? What's wrong.
[21:11]
Tom Segura
What do you mean? That's not the two stop way to do things. Oh, Panda Express. Then go. I'm gonna go to the lingerie store. That's true.
[21:17]
Christina P
You should flip the order.
[21:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[21:19]
Christina P
You buy your lingerie first, and then.
[21:21]
Tom Segura
You fill up with diarrhea food. Yeah.
[21:23]
Christina P
Pan Express is so goddamn good, though.
[21:25]
Tom Segura
Sure.
[21:26]
Christina P
That orange chicken.
[21:26]
Tom Segura
No one's mad at that. God damn, but she's gnarly. That's the secret.
[21:33]
Christina P
She has nice hair, Tom.
[21:34]
Tom Segura
She has nice hair. She has nice hair.
[21:36]
Christina P
Have you ever sat in a dressing room?
[21:39]
Tom Segura
No.
[21:40]
Christina P
I haven't either.
[21:41]
Tom Segura
By the way, you want to do, like, a little vibe shift real quick?
[21:44]
Christina P
Of course.
[21:44]
Tom Segura
Okay. Let's just hear something to, like, shift you into a good. There we go. Here we go.
[21:51]
Christina P
Oh, yes. He's drinking Joe, too. Wow. Oh, my God. How long can you sustain that?
[22:10]
Tom Segura
I don't know. How do you do this?
[22:15]
Christina P
So crazy.
[22:16]
Tom Segura
So I looked. I looked this up. Yeah, but Because I don't know what's happening. Sure, it's throat whistling, but I've never even heard. Because whistling, typically, you see people with their lips. Right? Like the sound. He can whistle from here. I don't even understand.
[22:31]
Christina P
I don't understand it either. What is skill?
[22:32]
Tom Segura
I don't understand how it happens.
[22:33]
Christina P
I don't either.
[22:34]
Tom Segura
And how he manipulates. I mean, how he manipulates.
[22:37]
Christina P
Well, that's how he calibrates the sound.
[22:39]
Tom Segura
Right, but how does it even start? You know, I was a blues man.
[22:45]
Guest
When this came out.
[22:46]
Tom Segura
Hell, yeah. Row was so up back then, right?
[22:50]
Christina P
Whoa. Oh, I love this song.
[22:54]
Tom Segura
Guns and.
[23:00]
Christina P
Oh, wow. Holy. I would pay to see him do a concert of all my favorite songs.
[23:12]
Tom Segura
I bet you can.
[23:14]
Christina P
You think you could cover Bauhaus or the Cure? Oh, wow. I wish you would do Bella Lugosi's Dead. That's a long one.
[23:21]
Tom Segura
Okay. Here's what it says online. To whistle with your throat, also called throat whistling.
[23:26]
Christina P
Yeah.
[23:27]
Tom Segura
You essentially name very creative. A constriction in your throat by manipulating your vocal cords while directing a stream of air through a specific mouth position, usually with a slightly open mouth and a flattened tongue near the bottom. Teeth allowing the air to vibrate produce a whistling sound. This technique requires practice and precise control of your throat muscles and tug placement. And now, everybody, let's all see everybody try to throat whistle.
[23:55]
Christina P
You try, Tom. Nobody.
[24:06]
Tom Segura
Anymore. No. Just. I can't do. Give it a shot. Just try there, bro. The. I don't know how you do that. Yeah. I mean, this guy. When you talk about, like, unique talents. For real.
[24:23]
Christina P
Yeah. There's nobody that can do what.
[24:26]
Tom Segura
I've never even met a throat whistle.
[24:28]
Christina P
Neither have I.
[24:28]
Tom Segura
None of my friends have ever been like, you want. Hey, you want to see some?
[24:31]
Christina P
No.
[24:31]
Tom Segura
And drop the throat whistle.
[24:33]
Christina P
Nobody. I mean, I've had friends that can do the two fingers.
[24:37]
Tom Segura
That is awesome when people do that.
[24:39]
Christina P
Yeah.
[24:39]
Tom Segura
And it sounds like.
[24:40]
Christina P
I feel like Bert can do that. Doesn't Burt do that? Or he goes like that. Like, he does that. Bert Krish Kirschner. Doesn't he do that? What's up, everybody? Man, we are sitting here in the NOLA, the Big Easy at Super Bowl.
[24:56]
Tom Segura
59, man, the biggest event in America. Sitting right next to Burt Kershaw. Pronounce your last name.
[25:04]
Christina P
Birch. Just. He can't win.
[25:13]
Tom Segura
That bit is 15 years old now, and nobody's ever caught up. Bert Kershire. That's a new one. We've heard so many variations. Kershire.
[25:24]
Christina P
Kershire. Nobody can get it.
[25:28]
Tom Segura
And look at his face first. Like, yeah, here we go.
[25:33]
Christina P
At the Super Bowl.
[25:35]
Tom Segura
I love that it. Part of his head goes. I thought it was famous enough for someone to get it right.
[25:40]
Christina P
It's amazing. Oh, that's why I changed my last name from Pajinski to P. That was a good call, by the way. By my lipstick. Christinap.com you get. She get all four colors at the same time. I'm wearing Berlin today. That's the darkest perfect red. Atomic red. Madison.
[26:01]
Tom Segura
Someone came up to me this weekend.
[26:02]
Christina P
Yes.
[26:02]
Tom Segura
Goes. I never wear red lipstick. And I go, okay. And she goes, I bought Christina's. She goes, that's the only red that I've ever worn. She goes, I love it because it's the perfect one. It is perfect.
[26:14]
Christina P
It's not too chalky. It's not too runny. It lasts just the right amount of time in my estimation. So try it out. Christinap.com try it out. Try it out. When you think about businesses that are selling through the roof, like Gymshark or Mattel, yes, they have a great, great product and marketing. But an often overlooked secret is actually the business that is making selling simple for millions of businesses. That's Shopify. Nobody does selling better than Shopify. Home of the number one checkout on the planet. And the not so secret secret with shop pay that boosts conversions up to 50%, meaning way less carts going abandoned and way more sales going. So if you're into growing your business commerce platform, better be ready to sell wherever your customers are scrolling or strolling on the web, in your store, in their feed and everywhere in between. Businesses that sell more sell on Shopify. Upgrade your business and get the same checkout Gymshark or Mattel uses. Sign up for your $1 per month trial period at shopify.com momshouse all lowercase go to shopify.com momshouse to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com momshouse Jean I bought the most beautiful gold necklace from blue nile.com yes. And the price was fantastic and people think I spent a fortune, but I didn't.
[27:43]
Tom Segura
Well, that's kind of the nice thing about having Blue Nile. If you're popping the big question, it's a huge moment. But no one warns you about the endless decisions that come with finding the perfect ring. Shape, size, style, setting, cut, color, clarity, carrot. Jesus. So many things you have to think about. She knows what she wants. So it's time to catch up. You start at bluenile.com@bluenile.com you can create a stunning engagement ring that's bigger and more brilliant than you'd expect at a price traditional jewelers can't match. Since 1999, they've been the go to online jeweler, always committed to the highest ethical standards when sourcing diamonds and jewelry. Plus, with their diamond price guarantee, they'll usually meet or beat a competitor's price on a comparable diamond. Right now, get $50 off your purchase of $500 or more with the code your mom@bluenile.com that's 50 off with the code your mom@buluenile.com Blue Nile.com what else.
[28:37]
Christina P
Am I gonna say to you? We're a cursioner. I forget.
[28:40]
Tom Segura
There is this fart thing that you might like.
[28:42]
Christina P
Yeah, that maybe I always like fart things.
[28:45]
Tom Segura
Why should you never hold in a fart? You know, farts is a gas.
[28:51]
Christina P
You know, it's a chemical.
[28:52]
Tom Segura
It's a bunch of chemicals.
[28:53]
Christina P
And when you hold in a fart.
[28:55]
Guest
There'S a percentage of that, that fart vapor which will diffuse through the walls.
[29:01]
Christina P
Of the colon, through the walls of the intestine, the colon, and eventually it will go to your bloodstream.
[29:06]
Guest
Oh, all the blood circulates and eventually.
[29:10]
Christina P
Goes to the lungs, where the waste.
[29:12]
Guest
Products are then exhaled out.
[29:15]
Christina P
So there's a tiny percentage of your.
[29:17]
Guest
Fart which, if you hold it in.
[29:20]
Christina P
Will go to your bloodstream, go to the lungs, and then be exhaled out.
[29:24]
Tom Segura
So you will have to breathe it. You're going to breathe it instead of farting it. If you don't fart it, you will exhale fart.
[29:30]
Guest
So you will literally breathe out fart fumes if you hold it in.
[29:35]
Christina P
It's physiology. It's science.
[29:37]
Tom Segura
Science, baby. This is what we're here for.
[29:41]
Christina P
That is horrifying.
[29:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah. So you did that lady a favor.
[29:44]
Christina P
I did her a big favorite. Do you know that there's couples, by the way?
[29:48]
Tom Segura
That's Chris.
[29:49]
Christina P
Yeah.
[29:49]
Tom Segura
And I did his podcast, if you don't know. It's called Modern Wisdom.
[29:53]
Christina P
Yes.
[29:53]
Tom Segura
I just did it a couple weeks ago.
[29:55]
Christina P
Very sweet. I've met him at the mothership.
[29:57]
Tom Segura
Really nice guy.
[29:58]
Christina P
Yeah. Yeah, super sweet. There's couples that don't fart in front of each other and couples that hold in farts for years and years. Can you imagine?
[30:07]
Tom Segura
I know. Or I've heard that, because I've heard people go, oh, when you meet somebody, I go, what do you do? And they're like, well, you know, you excuse yourself or you leave. I'm like, for what? If you have, like, a bunch of farts, you just keep get up and you leave over and over. It's kind of weird, right?
[30:21]
Christina P
It just seems like. Like a hard way to live your entire life with another person. Excuse me.
[30:27]
Tom Segura
Oh, and he's one of these. Don't you have, like, you have a policy, right? A girl can't fart in front of you? No, no, I didn't say that. I thought you told me before that, like, you were completely against a girl ever farting in front of you. No, there was a time that a girl burped in my face, and I almost broke up with her because I was like, that ain't funny. But, no, I don't care about farts. Also, that thing with the breathing don't make sense, because how you gonna not breathe in the fart when you fart? You already breathing it in. What you mean? Wait, what?
[30:54]
Christina P
So what he's saying, what you're saying.
[30:56]
Tom Segura
Is if you fart, if you fart, you already breathing it.
[30:58]
Christina P
Oh, wow.
[30:58]
Tom Segura
So you're afraid of partial breathing a fart that you didn't fart.
[31:02]
Christina P
Oh, my God. That's no win situation.
[31:04]
Tom Segura
You're breathing it regardless.
[31:05]
Christina P
Well, look, you may as well enjoy the sound that the fart makes and laugh. Why not have a laugh at the same time as you're breathing in farts?
[31:12]
Tom Segura
Oh, speaking of farts, Tom, I remember you were hyped about the. The fart walk. Right. Long.
[31:18]
Christina P
Yes, yes, he can fart. He goes as you walk.
[31:22]
Tom Segura
Right? Yeah. I was wondering if you've. If you've. The other day, I experienced, I think, the optimal fart walk. What's that? It's a fart walk downstairs. Oh, wow. As you go down the stairs. Yo. Because. Because as you go down it, like, you gotta spread it for. It spreads your cheeks further. That's right. Go on the next step. Yeah. Because it gets real musical. Yeah, yeah. The pitch changes more than a flat fart walk. Yeah. Yeah.
[31:47]
Christina P
I think I've had one. I don't know if I've had one.
[31:49]
Tom Segura
Oh, no, I've done that. Yeah.
[31:52]
Christina P
The fart stairwalker walk is cool.
[31:55]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[31:55]
Christina P
I don't think I could relax enough.
[31:56]
Tom Segura
To do that sometimes, too. If you go on. If you jog.
[31:59]
Christina P
Oh, yeah.
[32:00]
Tom Segura
So it's more of a fart jog.
[32:02]
Christina P
Sure.
[32:02]
Tom Segura
Also, the movement is a little more than a walk stride. So you'll hear different, like, pitches, you know. It's pretty cool. Yeah.
[32:11]
Christina P
That's really cool, Tom.
[32:13]
Tom Segura
It's very cool. It's Black History Month. And in.
[32:16]
Christina P
Oh, Any congratulations?
[32:18]
Tom Segura
Oh, yeah. Congrats. Thanks, guys. In honor of you, our black brothers and sisters, we bring you this gift.
[32:27]
Christina P
All right, women, stop abandoning name. Your sisters trust black women. They lead the way. Oh, we're mad as hell. Oh, can't you tell? We're mad as hell. Can't you tell? We descend. You okay?
[32:54]
Tom Segura
So cool.
[32:55]
Christina P
That's a great. That's in the Castro. It looks like queering out the women. They were queering out the dudes.
[32:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[33:02]
Christina P
Hitler Barn, queer books. You know, this comes right off the tail of.
[33:11]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[33:12]
Christina P
Black and indigenous. Creole and Romani. Do I sound like her? I've been listening to it on a roll.
[33:20]
Tom Segura
It sounds like it.
[33:21]
Christina P
Yeah. African Americans, Puerto Rican. And not the Jews, because nobody likes them.
[33:28]
Tom Segura
What? That's. I.
[33:28]
Christina P
Everybody else is included. Creole, Creole, Romani, Creole. Before Hitler got on meth, he was a guy to go fishing with.
[33:42]
Tom Segura
That's what I'm saying.
[33:43]
Christina P
That's the craziest sentence I've ever heard. Before Hitler got on meth. You know, he sounds like it sounds like Stevie. Yeah, old Stevie. It's exactly catfish.
[33:53]
Tom Segura
And Bash loves frogs. I'm smart. I knows what's to do.
[33:56]
Christina P
Yeah. He sounds just like Stevie.
[33:58]
Tom Segura
That's true.
[33:59]
Christina P
Wow.
[33:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[34:01]
Christina P
Wow. This is a powerful song. We gotta learn.
[34:04]
Tom Segura
Yeah, this one's really cool.
[34:06]
Christina P
Follow your black sisters.
[34:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah. That is.
[34:08]
Christina P
It's funny. It's always white ladies taking up this cause. They always take up everybody else's cause. The white ladies, huh?
[34:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[34:15]
Christina P
These ladies. These broads. Do you think these broads. Oh, here we go. Black and indigenous people of color. Black and indigenous people of color. Lesbian, gay, bi, transgender and queer. Yep. Lesbian, gay, bi, transgender and queer. Asian American, Pacific Islanders. Oh, Pacific Islanders. We forget American, Pacific Islander. Latino, Hispanic, Romani. Romanis.
[34:54]
Tom Segura
How come she skipped regular Asians? Just Asian Americans.
[35:00]
Christina P
She didn't say black, did she?
[35:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah. There was no Jewish mansion, though. That is interesting. She mentioned everybody.
[35:13]
Christina P
Oh, my. I felt that anti Semitism.
[35:15]
Tom Segura
Makes you wonder.
[35:17]
Christina P
I honestly think that Hitler was a good guy.
[35:19]
Tom Segura
Yeah. That's kind of strange to list everybody.
[35:23]
Christina P
She didn't list the Jews.
[35:24]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[35:25]
Christina P
Palestinians.
[35:27]
Tom Segura
Did she list Muslims? I didn't hear that.
[35:29]
Christina P
Wow. She did not. Tom.
[35:31]
Tom Segura
It's actually.
[35:32]
Christina P
Wow.
[35:32]
Tom Segura
A very not inclusive song.
[35:34]
Christina P
Wow.
[35:35]
Tom Segura
You specifically left out two very big groups. Big, small groups.
[35:41]
Christina P
Right?
[35:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[35:47]
Christina P
She's so full of hate. But she made it. She made it all about the gays. It says about the gays. The first part of the song is just about the gays. And then she goes into the people of color.
[35:56]
Tom Segura
Shameless.
[35:56]
Christina P
But then she lumps in Creole with Latin and Hispanic. Wait, hold on. Latin and Hispanic aren't the same. Aren't you guys all.
[36:05]
Tom Segura
No.
[36:06]
Christina P
What's the difference between Latin and Hispanic?
[36:09]
Tom Segura
Well, here's a little geography lesson for you. Latin encompasses Latin America, which is the.
[36:15]
Christina P
Basically, what you know is not this America. I'll tell you that.
[36:17]
Tom Segura
So, like, kind of further down south.
[36:19]
Christina P
Sure.
[36:19]
Tom Segura
And Hispanic would be Hispanola. Like Spain.
[36:24]
Christina P
I didn't know Spanish people are. I didn't know that. I just lumped you guys all in. We're not speaking. You're dirty.
[36:29]
Tom Segura
Hispanics are not Latin.
[36:31]
Christina P
Not European is what I called it. Okay.
[36:33]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Well, there's Christina for you guys.
[36:37]
Christina P
She did not include. Yeah, she didn't include my people. Slovakian, Romanian.
[36:44]
Tom Segura
There's a lot of people.
[36:44]
Christina P
She left Arians. Come on, man. She's full of hate.
[36:49]
Tom Segura
People are saying. By the way, speaking of Latins.
[36:51]
Christina P
Yeah.
[36:52]
Tom Segura
People are saying, this is Charo at Disney. Have you seen this?
[36:54]
Christina P
That's her nightmare.
[36:58]
Tom Segura
That's me. You like that picture? Is that Charl?
[37:12]
Christina P
Your mom's way classier. I'd like to say something. I'm gonna. And I'm. And I. I'm not a Disney adult by any stretch.
[37:19]
Tom Segura
No.
[37:19]
Christina P
Is this Disneyland? This appears to be Disneyland. Correct. Not Disney World.
[37:24]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I think so.
[37:25]
Christina P
I mean, last time we were at Disneyland, I felt that it wasn't indicative of a real classy Disney experience. Like these work. The people they're hiring now are not upholding the Disney brand. They're being rude. They're being, like, too casual.
[37:41]
Tom Segura
Welcome to the new world, dude. This is everything.
[37:44]
Christina P
I like it.
[37:45]
Tom Segura
This is everything. After Covet. Honestly, you think?
[37:49]
Christina P
What is that? It's just like they can't find people.
[37:51]
Tom Segura
Yes.
[37:51]
Christina P
Like normal people.
[37:52]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[37:52]
Christina P
This is disgusting everywhere.
[37:55]
Tom Segura
Now you get these. I'm serious. Every service person is dog now. They're the worst. Yeah. And I'm talking to you if you have a job like that.
[38:05]
Christina P
No, they're not all.
[38:07]
Tom Segura
They're all losers.
[38:08]
Christina P
No.
[38:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah, they are. Yeah, they are. You guys are the worst.
[38:15]
Christina P
Disneyland workers who flick their tongues out at you.
[38:19]
Tom Segura
No, they suck.
[38:20]
Christina P
She doesn't get included. No. Because when we took our boys to Disney last year, I noticed that. That the staffers are. They're not like, upholding the. The Disney vibe anymore. Yeah, that's terrible.
[38:31]
Tom Segura
No, it's not the same.
[38:32]
Christina P
It's not the same.
[38:33]
Tom Segura
But I was making the comment more seriously about the service industry. It is. It's totally different now.
[38:37]
Christina P
Stop. It hasn't bounced back.
[38:39]
Tom Segura
Definitely not.
[38:40]
Christina P
You don't feel that anymore.
[38:41]
Tom Segura
Any type of, like, go to restaurants, hotels, airlines. Every place that, like, there's.
[38:47]
Christina P
Airlines are always atrocious.
[38:48]
Tom Segura
But it's worse. It's all worse.
[38:50]
Christina P
It's way worse. Airlines are garbage.
[38:52]
Tom Segura
Hotels are worse.
[38:53]
Christina P
Yeah.
[38:53]
Tom Segura
Restaurants are worse because I don't leave.
[38:55]
Christina P
The house as much anymore because people.
[38:58]
Tom Segura
Left who had some of these jobs and they replaced it with the B squad. Actually, like the C squad.
[39:05]
Christina P
Yeah.
[39:05]
Tom Segura
So that. That's who has the job now.
[39:07]
Christina P
Yeah.
[39:08]
Tom Segura
Yeah, it sucks.
[39:09]
Christina P
We had a waiter. You remember the waiter?
[39:12]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[39:12]
Christina P
In Sedona, who, like. How do I describe it? Was like too much and he had, like, rehearsed.
[39:24]
Tom Segura
He had bits. He had bits.
[39:26]
Christina P
I. I hate the bits. I hate the. I've been a server at high, like a high end French restaurant. I've been a server. I've been a cocktail waitress. I've worked at many levels.
[39:36]
Tom Segura
Yes.
[39:37]
Christina P
And there's a way to give service to people where it's not disingenuous. Like, hey, how are you doing? I could tell you didn't like that a bunch. Or like, he had stock lines for everything. I hated It.
[39:49]
Tom Segura
As somebody that makes fun of people all the time, I can't mock those people in front of them. Do you know what I mean?
[39:55]
Christina P
Well, it's mean. Yeah.
[39:57]
Tom Segura
I don't. Yeah. Is it, like, just a nice thing that I'm doing? Yes, because I can't. I sympathize with. And I. And I just go along and I. I never mock them. That guy, man, it starts with just, like, the approach to the table.
[40:13]
Christina P
He goes, oh, my God.
[40:14]
Tom Segura
Hey.
[40:15]
Christina P
Like, yeah, it's too much.
[40:17]
Tom Segura
Jeff will be taking care of you guys tonight. Where we end from? Where's everybody coming from? Right away I'm like. But I still go. I don't mock them. I go, I'm coming from Austin. Austin Longhorns. And you're like, yeah. And he's like, what are we celebrating? Whenever every day tells me, what are we celebrating? I always just go, dinner?
[40:35]
Christina P
Yeah. I don't know. We're just here, guys. It's Houlihans. There's not to be a celebration.
[40:40]
Tom Segura
Just like, birthdays, anniversary, special occasion. I'm like, just dinner. It's evening. Haven't eaten dinner yet. And then he's like, okay, right? And then he. He just. He just runs through his bits and got a little. Little special something here off the menu. But then he does like, oh, yeah, there's like a seafood thing. He's like, but it's not local because there's no ocean, right? And you're like, no, I know.
[41:06]
Christina P
We got the bit.
[41:07]
Tom Segura
He's like, fluid in. But I promise not. Didn't come in last week. And then he starts laughing at all his stuff, and I'm like. And you have to go, like, because there's no ocean and. No, I know, but I can't. I can't mock him.
[41:24]
Christina P
He's like Colin Robinson, the emo, the emotional vampire from what we do in the shadows. Like, they. Waiters can drain you of your life supply.
[41:33]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[41:34]
Christina P
And he was. And I'll tell you something, as someone that's been a waitress, he's a career waiter. That he is. And he provides excellent service. We'll say, like, the level of service was great. Like, he totally did his job. But I think when you become the. The main character in someone's dinner, you're also robbing that table of them just having an experience at a restaurant. Because now you're like, the life of the party. They don't need you to be the life of the party. You're just there to bring their food.
[41:59]
Tom Segura
He's doing his Best. That's. That's the other thing.
[42:01]
Christina P
I know. But as, like I said, like, he doesn't need to ever. And every five seconds, you, like, pardon my reach. Like, it's fine. You don't need to pardon the reach. Just get the cup out of my fucking life. Okay. And then they give 500 plates for one thing. You know what I mean? Like, just fucking. It's okay. You don't have to come every Tuesday. Everything okay? How's everything tasting? Like, just shut the fuck up. Don't worry.
[42:23]
Tom Segura
Am I still good?
[42:24]
Christina P
You still good? Yeah, I'm fucking still good. I'll let you know. It's too much service. And can I. What I learned in a French restaurant when I worked at a French restaurant. You know what they teach you in a French restaurant is that when you're not bringing food to tables or waiting, you just stand in the room. You stand up against the wall with your hands, you know?
[42:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Just.
[42:45]
Christina P
And if they need you, they call.
[42:47]
Tom Segura
You read people, right? You read body language.
[42:49]
Christina P
You're just looking. You just look.
[42:51]
Tom Segura
That's because you know what that takes, though, because I learned this about. I learned this from. So Acme Comedy Club is one of the best comedy clubs in the country. So for people that don't know how. The way. The way most comedy clubs work is you're on stage, right. You're performing, everybody has ordered, everyone knows about two drink minimum. Right. And then this thing that all comedians get to know, the check drop.
[43:13]
Christina P
Yeah.
[43:14]
Tom Segura
What that means is usually like 45 minutes into the headliner set, every server will drop the check for the people to pay before the show ends. And it always destroys the momentum of what you're doing on stage. But most comedy clubs don't care. They're just like, who cares?
[43:33]
Christina P
Time to get that money.
[43:34]
Tom Segura
So you're on stage, you're like in the middle of, let's say, like your best, most well structured bit and closer.
[43:42]
Christina P
Because you're working.
[43:42]
Tom Segura
Yeah. You're working towards your closing. And then they're just like, you got it. Well, you got to pay. Is that a visa? We don't take American. Like, like, you're like, cool. And then you just deal with it. Right. So you just. What ends up happening is as a seasoned comedian, you start to learn that, like, if that check drop happens, pivot to something that doesn't need their focus.
[44:01]
Christina P
Yes.
[44:02]
Tom Segura
Because they can't focus while they're paying their bill. So anyway, like, the first time I did Acme, I was. I remember I got off stage and I was like, I was like, man, everybody paid attention. I was like, what's that? Is there no check drop here? And they're like, oh, no, there is. And I'm like, wait a minute, I didn't notice though.
[44:19]
Christina P
Yeah.
[44:19]
Tom Segura
And they go, oh, no. We give people their checks throughout the show depending on their pattern of ordering and consuming. And I was like, there you go. So what they're doing is let's say somebody has a beer and then their second one, they're nursing it.
[44:37]
Christina P
Right.
[44:37]
Tom Segura
And it's 20 minutes into the show, they will just quietly put the bill there and they go, this person's not going to be consuming.
[44:44]
Christina P
Yep.
[44:45]
Tom Segura
Somebody else, let's say, orders a bucket of beers. They go, well, that's all they're going to order. Yeah. So then they give them their bill.
[44:52]
Christina P
Yeah.
[44:52]
Tom Segura
18 minutes in. So it's staggered so that like when that 45 minute, 50 minute time comes, there's not a massive drop. They are smart. And I was like, oh, but what it takes is like thought, nuance and train. And they train the servers. They go, watch the person.
[45:07]
Christina P
Yeah.
[45:08]
Tom Segura
Like watch how they do it. It. And then drop it at the appropriate time.
[45:12]
Christina P
Right. Because let's say God forbid the guy with the six bucket of beers wants more alcohol. Great. Reopen the check.
[45:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Do it again.
[45:19]
Christina P
And then I'd rather take the time as a server to reopen a check in the middle of the show.
[45:23]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[45:24]
Christina P
Versus at the very end of the night having a stack of. You have to close out everybody's bill. And then it's a lot of work.
[45:30]
Tom Segura
And then there's always like, well, how does the person respond to the bill? Sort of like this guy.
[45:33]
Guest
You know, spell it and how you say it, but swear to God, two chicken sandwiches, two waters dollars.
[45:40]
Tom Segura
This guy.
[45:42]
Guest
Oh, by the way, you want sauces on your thing? They're a dollar a piece. You guy yourself. Wow, these places are closing left and right. This guy's a complete piece of Guy Fieri.
[45:55]
Christina P
It's Guy Fieri. Those of you listening, by the way, a dollar for sauces is ridiculous. Those should be complimentary.
[46:02]
Tom Segura
So this is, this is posted Serial entrepreneur, small business advisor and YouTuber. He's complaining about prices at Guy Fieri's restaurant. I'll say this, I love Guy Fieri. I think he's the fucking. I think he's a fantastic person. Yeah, I loved when I met him and hung out with him. He was so gracious and so cool. I'm wondering because of the noise here in the background. First of all, it sounds very busy. It sounds like a lot of people are paying $70 for two chicken sandwiches and two waters. Yeah. This feels like Vegas pricing. Oh. Which is standard. Yeah, Vegas. Everything is like what you want. Like a basket of fries. It's $40.
[46:43]
Christina P
And by the way, I've eaten at Guy Fieri's restaurant in an airport. Outstanding.
[46:47]
Tom Segura
It's good.
[46:48]
Christina P
I really liked it. So I'll pay a dollar for a condiment. Okay. Look. Hawaiian. I can't read this. My Motley Q. And I like that they name things funny. Motley Q pulled pork sandwich. Adorable.
[47:02]
Tom Segura
23.99.
[47:04]
Christina P
That is a lot of money for a. Is this in Vegas? You're right.
[47:07]
Tom Segura
I don't know. I don't know.
[47:08]
Christina P
That is a lot for a pulled pork sandwich.
[47:10]
Guest
Yeah.
[47:11]
Tom Segura
But here's the thing.
[47:11]
Christina P
23 bones.
[47:12]
Tom Segura
This is. This is a tier of restaurants, babe. Right?
[47:17]
Christina P
A bacon Mac and cheeseburger. 24.99.
[47:20]
Guest
Yeah.
[47:20]
Tom Segura
But this is my point, though.
[47:21]
Christina P
Wow.
[47:22]
Tom Segura
This is not McDonald's.
[47:23]
Christina P
No, it's not. It's an upper.
[47:25]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[47:26]
Christina P
But here's my thinking from a branding perspective.
[47:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[47:29]
Christina P
Guy Fieri, I thought, would appeal to a maybe like, not so high tier price point. You know what I'm saying? Oh, it's Vegas, baby.
[47:39]
Tom Segura
Not crazy.
[47:39]
Christina P
That's Vegas. Yeah, Vegas, baby.
[47:41]
Tom Segura
Vegas. Everything is like this.
[47:43]
Christina P
Yeah.
[47:44]
Tom Segura
This isn't Alva. Also, there's definitely a tier above this if you want to. If you're looking for high price items.
[47:50]
Christina P
Sure.
[47:51]
Tom Segura
You know, this is like.
[47:52]
Christina P
No, that's Vegas prices. You go anywhere else and you're going to pay this much for.
[47:56]
Tom Segura
Absolutely.
[47:57]
Christina P
Yeah.
[47:57]
Tom Segura
If you go to Chili's in Vegas, you're gonna pay this.
[48:00]
Christina P
Yeah. No, this is. This is not fair.
[48:01]
Tom Segura
Ain't no thing but a chicken wing, man.
[48:03]
Christina P
Can I tell you what is kind of disturbing, though, is that guy is holding the live chicken and you're gonna eat it. Yeah. Like, maybe not. Like, I would hold the cooked version.
[48:15]
Tom Segura
No.
[48:15]
Christina P
Because you don't want to think about the animal you're butchering.
[48:17]
Tom Segura
I put my arm around a cow.
[48:19]
Christina P
And be like, tom's gr. Guy's so mad.
[48:24]
Tom Segura
That's what I'm laughing at. This dude is so pissed off.
[48:28]
Christina P
But, like, he.
[48:29]
Tom Segura
The funniest thing.
[48:29]
Christina P
But he didn't see the prices before he ordered. Like, you can look at the menu, bro. You don't got to eat there, homie. Look at the prices before you.
[48:37]
Tom Segura
He's so mad.
[48:38]
Christina P
He's so mad.
[48:39]
Guest
Spell it and how you say it, but swear to God. Two chicken sandwiches. Two waters. Dollars.
[48:46]
Christina P
That's a lot.
[48:47]
Guest
Oh, by the way, you want sausage on your thing?
[48:49]
Christina P
It's.
[48:49]
Guest
You're a dollar a piece.
[48:51]
Christina P
You guys.
[48:55]
Guest
These places are closing left and right. This guy's a complete piece of. How about that?
[49:02]
Christina P
He's so mad.
[49:04]
Tom Segura
Can you go to his Instagram?
[49:05]
Christina P
Wow.
[49:06]
Tom Segura
It's.
[49:07]
Christina P
Yeah, sure.
[49:07]
Tom Segura
I a. Allegedly. I allegedly. Is that right? Yeah. Is that his.
[49:18]
Christina P
You know, we've all got our things.
[49:20]
Tom Segura
So what's he normally like? What's he say here?
[49:26]
Guest
I just wanted to say happy New Year. I truly appreciate each and every one of you being part of I allegedly and subscribing to the channel and. Okay, I look forward to 2025. We're going to have an amazing year. So much is going to happen.
[49:42]
Tom Segura
Very different energy.
[49:43]
Christina P
Yeah, he's normal here and professional. Guys, you know what it is? You go to Vegas, you put a few in him and he starts. He gets.
[49:51]
Tom Segura
Look, he's happy in that one. The one you just clicked on there. Yeah, he's sauced up.
[49:56]
Guest
I'm on Saint kids shopping St. Kids, they've got cigarettes.
[50:00]
Tom Segura
He's happy about smokes.
[50:02]
Guest
And they say smoking kills. So kids don't smoke. Okay. Smoking kills. That is hilarious. Guys, look at this. All say smoking pills. Smoking.
[50:14]
Christina P
Yeah. They're not subtle about that in other countries. Right there they put pictures of lungs and stuff.
[50:20]
Tom Segura
This is. Please be kind to everyone. Onward and upward. All the best. You guy. You piece of. He really did not like getting that bill. Also, didn't he know the. The prices?
[50:31]
Christina P
That's what I said.
[50:32]
Tom Segura
Right?
[50:33]
Christina P
Like I literally said that when we. Yeah, like you can see the prices on the menu.
[50:38]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[50:38]
Christina P
Before you order. So why is he shocked?
[50:41]
Tom Segura
Right? Because if they're like 23.99 each. Yeah, dude.
[50:45]
Christina P
I mean look, you and I were in Vegas when we were broke as broke comics. You know where we ate?
[50:49]
Tom Segura
Where?
[50:50]
Christina P
Chipotle, remember? Yeah, we ate a Chipotle every day.
[50:52]
Tom Segura
A lot there. It's a lot there.
[50:54]
Christina P
You don't have to eat at guy's place.
[50:56]
Tom Segura
But he doesn't like Kamala. Let's see that.
[50:58]
Guest
I absolutely get a kick out of our politicians. Kick out of them saying things that are not questioned. Kamala Harris, it's a really professional way to announce her economic plan. And one thing she announced was that she was going to build 3 million low cost houses and apartments. That's fantastic. Guys, think about this. In a four year term, that would be 1460 days. If you divide that by 3 million it's 2064 a day that she would have to build.
[51:27]
Christina P
Dang. What?
[51:29]
Guest
Oh, Dan, you're being a buzz kill. Come on, man. You just gotta do it.
[51:34]
Christina P
He puts his own picture of him.
[51:36]
Tom Segura
No.
[51:37]
Christina P
That's amazing.
[51:38]
Guest
Have accountability for these guys. It's that simple. We can't do the Oprah. You get a car. You get a car. You get a car. Oh, you don't get a car.
[51:46]
Tom Segura
He's having fun with stickers.
[51:48]
Christina P
Yeah. I can't even do that in my videos. That's cool.
[51:51]
Guest
No.
[51:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[51:52]
Guest
It's not gonna happen.
[51:52]
Christina P
Happen.
[51:53]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[51:54]
Christina P
Oh, he's so clever. Did you see that? He gave that, like. See how smart I am?
[51:58]
Tom Segura
Yep.
[51:59]
Christina P
You Bill Maher. I got this down. He's. I love when guys like him break it down for you, too. The economics of stuff.
[52:05]
Tom Segura
Tom, I want to see. I'd like it.
[52:07]
Christina P
This is like when your dad explains politics to you.
[52:10]
Tom Segura
This guy.
[52:10]
Christina P
Yeah.
[52:13]
Tom Segura
I'd like to see him lose it. Oh, that's a cool American flag shirt.
[52:16]
Christina P
Oh, yeah, yeah, of course. Okay. Here's the Christmas post. Do you think he's going to complain that they don't say Merry Christmas where he's from or that they forgotten Jesus? What do you think that video is? It's going to be. There's some complaint about how America has gone south with Christmas. They've forgotten the real meat.
[52:34]
Tom Segura
That's a big one. Yeah.
[52:36]
Christina P
That's where my money is. Where what is yours?
[52:38]
Tom Segura
I mean, I don't think you're wrong.
[52:42]
Guest
Hey, guys, it's that time of the year, and I just want to be the first in your life to wish you guys a Merry Christmas.
[52:50]
Christina P
Okay?
[52:50]
Guest
Okay.
[52:51]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[52:51]
Guest
It's never too early for Christmas. Okay.
[52:55]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[52:55]
Guest
So I allegedly wishes everybody.
[52:57]
Tom Segura
This is posted in June.
[52:59]
Guest
In June. Okay.
[53:04]
Tom Segura
Real happy, though.
[53:05]
Christina P
Yeah. I mean, he didn't say. No. He did say seasons greetings. Okay. I thought we'd get a rant.
[53:10]
Tom Segura
Hashtag business.
[53:15]
Christina P
So cool guy Fieri. $70. Oh, boy. Yeah, he's a real.
[53:24]
Tom Segura
I think that's really the only time he's lost his. In any of these. We just really got him at a time that he really didn't.
[53:30]
Christina P
What's about Popeyes? He's got around here? Let's see.
[53:34]
Guest
So I was filming in Pasadena, and as I was leaving on the phone with a buddy and said, oh, wow, there's a Popeyes chicken. Haven't seen one of those in a while. And he's like, hey, could you do me a favor and stop and get some cajun rice for me.
[53:46]
Christina P
Sure.
[53:47]
Guest
And I remember their Cajun rice as being like a flavorful spicy rice with meat in it and stuff like that. Oh, it's got rice and beans in it. Now, sir, this is their Cajun rice.
[53:58]
Tom Segura
Now we just see the container.
[54:00]
Guest
Okay.
[54:01]
Christina P
Yeah, I'd like to see the product.
[54:02]
Guest
7.11.
[54:07]
Christina P
Okay.
[54:08]
Guest
Is that Looneyville, guys? That's nuts. You wonder why families are suffering right now.
[54:13]
Christina P
Because they can't.
[54:14]
Guest
Cannot make it.
[54:15]
Christina P
Get the rice.
[54:16]
Guest
7.11.
[54:17]
Tom Segura
What does this guy want prices to be? I don't understand what he thinks everything should cost.
[54:23]
Christina P
And you don't have to eat at Popeyes.
[54:24]
Tom Segura
Who can afford these ridiculous fast food prices? Nobody can afford this. This. This is why they are getting going out of business.
[54:32]
Christina P
What are they going out of business?
[54:35]
Tom Segura
I don't.
[54:36]
Christina P
I don't anymore. Okay. I mean.
[54:40]
Tom Segura
Okay, what is this? Is it because he's a business page? Is his advice. Like, look, start a business, never charge a lot for anything, and then you'll be good. Like, how does he advise people? Okay, this guy's.
[54:56]
Christina P
No, Popeyes is not going out of business.
[55:00]
Tom Segura
I like that. It answers you like that. No, no.
[55:05]
Christina P
But I am upset that California Pizza Kitchen has gone out of business. Yeah. Can you believe that? Will you Google it? Because there. There used to be one here at the Bro Main in Austin. That's our children's favorite restaurant, cpk, and it's gone. And I don't think it's gone from.
[55:23]
Tom Segura
Okay, no, no.
[55:26]
Christina P
It did file for bankruptcy in 2020.
[55:27]
Tom Segura
That was five years ago.
[55:29]
Christina P
Company emerged with a reduced debt load. Well, the one in Austin's gone and I am deeply upset. Please, cpk, bring back your Austin location.
[55:38]
Tom Segura
It's focused on expanding its franchise footprint, innovating its menu, investing in marketing and digital, and looking to captivate captive dining audiences and airports as a source of customers. And also their prices are going to remain at $3 for full pizzas and entire meals following the I allegedly business footprint. You believe these fucking prices? Pizza was $11. Jesus Christ. Who the fuck can afford this shit?
[56:08]
Christina P
CPK does provide a great product.
[56:10]
Tom Segura
Can you go back to his thing? Can you scroll to the top? I just want to see like.
[56:13]
Christina P
Yeah, what is he like?
[56:14]
Tom Segura
What is this? This? Okay.
[56:18]
Christina P
Oh, he's only got like 28 followers, babe. He's only got 2800 followers.
[56:22]
Tom Segura
I was going to have more now. Some things haven't been proven yet. Is this like a third eagle of the apocalypse type?
[56:31]
Christina P
I love.
[56:32]
Tom Segura
Serial entrepreneur, Small Business Adviser, YouTuber in my career, I've survived the crash at 2000, 2008, 2020, all through the UPS and downs, I've learned not just to survive, but thrive. In my experience, tough economic times always provides new opportunities. I'm what's known as a connected marketer. I help businesses raise money and get connected as strategic partners.
[56:55]
Christina P
What all this, okay, Gobbledygook, this jargon, I don't understand what these people.
[57:00]
Tom Segura
You gotta redesign this page. I was about to say, number one thing I know about him is that he definitely made this website. Yeah, sometimes he's all about saving a buck, but sometimes you gotta spend a few to make it look like you didn't build this in 1996.
[57:17]
Christina P
Let's go to his YouTube, let's see what these episodes are like. Like, what is he doing entire episodes on?
[57:23]
Tom Segura
He's got 300000 subscribers.
[57:24]
Christina P
Okay, so he's legit.
[57:25]
Tom Segura
Okay. I've been banned for life from Walmart. What the.
[57:30]
Guest
Hey, it's Dan. Welcome back. You're watching I allegedly. And I've got a good one for you today because I've been fan for life from Walmart. Please hit the like button. Please subscribe to the channel. Yes, today we have a sponsor, private Internet access, which I will get into in a little bit, but let's get right into it.
[57:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[57:51]
Guest
Okay, so it's not me that's been banned. It's a woman named Ashley Cross. And this is something that we've talked about a few months ago, but Ashley, she said, he said all of them can't step in. And the reason for that is that she went out and she took one item that was very inexpensive and then she would scan it at the self checkout. And what she would do is she would use a watch battery which was a little over a dollar, and she would then scan that. And they caught her scanning about 180 with the merchandise. Jeans, shirts and other things.
[58:38]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[58:38]
Guest
And with that they said, no, you're done. So they are fed up with this. They're absolutely done with this behavior. The self checkout is where they get robbed blind.
[58:50]
Christina P
Well, yeah. Why are they doing that? I hate self check.
[58:53]
Guest
Scan five items, take out six and Walmart is fed up with it. Walmart's completely done with it. And so she's done.
[59:02]
Tom Segura
Okay, is that the story? This is a 19 minute video about Ashley scanning.
[59:12]
Christina P
Jesus Christ.
[59:14]
Tom Segura
Okay, are we still. If this is still the Ashley story, I'm gonna absolutely die.
[59:20]
Christina P
He's walking hard.
[59:21]
Guest
But again arrested her for this nightmare.
[59:24]
Christina P
Trying to get out of it.
[59:25]
Guest
This is what you want to avoid, guys.
[59:27]
Tom Segura
I'm telling you, want to avoid stealing.
[59:29]
Guest
I had a guy I was filming at that self checkout. It was first time in a grocery store, man.
[59:36]
Christina P
No.
[59:37]
Guest
So I said something anyways, you know, Come on, guys. Mind your own business, okay? Be aware of this stuff, guys, because I'm telling you this right now. You want to do something interesting? Do a search on how many people have been arrested at the self checkout.
[59:53]
Tom Segura
This is a business advice, guy.
[59:55]
Christina P
I know. Don't do self checkout.
[59:57]
Tom Segura
Yeah, no, don't steal or you'll get a band from Walmart.
[60:02]
Christina P
Okay?
[60:03]
Tom Segura
That's insane. All right.
[60:05]
Christina P
I hate self checkout.
[60:06]
Tom Segura
Good luck with your page, sir. It's very interesting that you're doing all that.
[60:10]
Christina P
Can we please do some happy birthdays?
[60:13]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[60:14]
Christina P
Oh, it's my absolute faves.
[60:15]
Tom Segura
Yes. So as you know, or if you don't know, you go to a drive through, hopefully it's a coffee place, like a Starbucks or something. You use either a British cockney accent or an accent of your choosing. You say happy birthday. You say I love you, and you just see how it goes.
[60:36]
Christina P
Hello, my name is James. James, what are we getting for you?
[60:39]
Tom Segura
I'd like two pink drinks, please. What size? Large.
[60:45]
Christina P
Anything else?
[60:46]
Tom Segura
That'll be all, love.
[60:48]
Christina P
All right, we'll see you up here. It's so bad. Exactly.
[60:51]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[60:51]
Christina P
I love it. I love how bad it is.
[60:53]
Tom Segura
And this is for you.
[60:54]
Christina P
Oh, thank you. Happy birthday.
[60:58]
Tom Segura
It's so stupid. It's so dumb to hand somebody a chip and you're like, happy birthday. And they're like, okay, it's not. But yeah, thank you. Happy birthday, love.
[61:13]
Christina P
Especially the bad cockney accent is really what gives me the most joy.
[61:18]
Tom Segura
So good. Thanks, James.
[61:20]
Christina P
Bad. Yeah, it's got to be bad.
[61:21]
Tom Segura
With vanilla. I'll take it hot, please. And may I have that with vanilla?
[61:27]
Christina P
Oh, his is good.
[61:28]
Tom Segura
And then for me.
[61:32]
Christina P
I think I'll.
[61:33]
Tom Segura
Try one of them new cortatos.
[61:35]
Christina P
That's really good.
[61:36]
Tom Segura
No, thanks.
[61:38]
Christina P
All right.
[61:38]
Tom Segura
No, thank you.
[61:39]
Christina P
Drink stopper, please. Thank you. And this is for y. Y. It's your birthday. Happy birthday. It's your birthday.
[61:45]
Tom Segura
Happy birthday.
[61:46]
Christina P
Happy birthday. So stupid. I also like how many happy birthdays you.
[61:53]
Tom Segura
I felt like he either is British or has, like, British parents or something. I know he had the little, like, kind of colloquialisms in there.
[62:01]
Christina P
Yeah, he was good at it. Hello there, love. Can I get a large chestnut frappuccino, please? What would you like, love?
[62:23]
Tom Segura
Oh, yes. Can I get another large Matcha Frappuccino, please?
[62:28]
Christina P
Stupid. Do they.
[62:31]
Tom Segura
Oh, yes. Strawberry drizzle. His accent is all over the place. Or syrup or whatever. He just dropped it completely.
[62:47]
Christina P
Is it your birthday today?
[62:49]
Tom Segura
Is it your birthday?
[62:51]
Christina P
Yeah.
[62:52]
Tom Segura
Do you know Craig? Craig told me it was your birthday.
[62:55]
Christina P
You don't know?
[62:58]
Tom Segura
Must be the other Starbucks.
[62:59]
Christina P
Sorry, sir.
[63:02]
Tom Segura
Is it your birthday?
[63:04]
Christina P
I do like the longer.
[63:06]
Tom Segura
The, ah, the long was great.
[63:08]
Christina P
That could be a whole new lane.
[63:14]
Tom Segura
I think.
[63:15]
Christina P
Oh, and if you could do a really long pause like that, see how long we could get those pauses. Oh, my God.
[63:22]
Tom Segura
Those are great.
[63:23]
Christina P
That's really funny.
[63:25]
Tom Segura
Wow. That was awesome.
[63:26]
Christina P
Happy birthday.
[63:27]
Tom Segura
Happy birthday. You'll like this for sure.
[63:33]
Christina P
You look. I saw that. I said that's good. Yeah. He didn't even hear him. I don't think he heard. You look retarded, bro.
[63:43]
Tom Segura
I think he heard him.
[63:44]
Christina P
He did. And he said thank you.
[63:45]
Tom Segura
Oh, thank you, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
[63:47]
Christina P
Wow. What's going on with that kid? What do you think?
[63:49]
Tom Segura
I mean, this is definitely not a cry for attention. We're not house as a hat. Yeah.
[63:54]
Christina P
Gosh, Jaden.
[63:56]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[63:57]
Christina P
He's all over the map, that kid.
[63:59]
Tom Segura
Stupid. It is stupid. I know. Your ultimate dream is to see me as Robert Smith, of course. But then we also one of your other, one of your favorites of all time, Peter Murphy, of course. This side by side's pretty cool.
[64:15]
Christina P
Let's see. Let's see you. Oh, you could so do this. Look at that. You guys are twin brothers already.
[64:24]
Tom Segura
Wow.
[64:25]
Christina P
Look at him. Oh, my God. You guys really are. Blue eyes. You got the blue eyes.
[64:29]
Tom Segura
His eyes look really good, though.
[64:31]
Christina P
Oh, he's stunning.
[64:32]
Tom Segura
And is it that he has good eyelashes, too?
[64:35]
Christina P
Of course. Peter Murphy's got good everything. Good cheek structure, good eyelashes. So here's what you'd have to do to do this. You got to get a spray tan. I don't think Peter Murphy spray tans. I think that you're exceptionally pasty.
[64:46]
Tom Segura
Thank you.
[64:47]
Christina P
And you need to spray tan. And then we got to put some blue eyeshadow. And that's pretty much.
[64:53]
Tom Segura
I think. Are those eyeliner? Is that eyeliner or is that eyelash?
[64:56]
Christina P
Yeah, it's a little eyeliner. He does it in the. The waterline, as they say. Oh, you could do that. But I still think maybe I should.
[65:02]
Tom Segura
Start doing eyeliner every day. Right? Isn't that, like, a cool idea? Wow.
[65:07]
Christina P
Are you being serious? I would love that.
[65:08]
Tom Segura
Really?
[65:09]
Christina P
I would love that. Would you try?
[65:11]
Tom Segura
Sure, I'll try it. Yeah.
[65:12]
Christina P
I love guys in black eyeliner.
[65:15]
Tom Segura
Oh. I mean, that's been one of my dreams.
[65:17]
Christina P
Here's the deal, man. You can't wear lipstick with a beard. I mean, that's probably why Peter Murphy doesn't do that. It looks. It's not. It's not appropriate.
[65:26]
Tom Segura
He looks really good, though.
[65:27]
Christina P
No, he's. He's incredibly good looking. He's still, you know, he's thin. He kept himself in shape and everything, but. Yeah, I still. I love Peter Murphy, but Robert Smith is where my heart is.
[65:42]
Tom Segura
Jesus Christ.
[65:43]
Christina P
I mean, Robert Smith is like my first crush. Can you listen to me? I mean, growing up as a teenage girl, 13 years old, he's my first big crush. I have posters of him everywhere. I'm obsessed with Robert Smith. You could do Robert Smith.
[65:58]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[66:00]
Christina P
You gonna do it?
[66:01]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[66:02]
Christina P
No. Really?
[66:03]
Tom Segura
Sure.
[66:03]
Christina P
Don't get my hopes up.
[66:04]
Tom Segura
I am. I'm thinking. I'm trying to figure out a way that we could do it.
[66:08]
Christina P
Okay.
[66:09]
Tom Segura
Ready for a vibe shift?
[66:10]
Christina P
I love Peter Murphy. Yeah.
[66:11]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[66:12]
Christina P
Don't play with me.
[66:15]
Tom Segura
Do not play with me.
[66:16]
Christina P
Because I'm not the one. Notice you're not the one of the two.
[66:20]
Tom Segura
Let's go.
[66:21]
Christina P
You ain't got. You ain't gonna do nothing.
[66:26]
Tom Segura
Like I said, keep my name out.
[66:27]
Christina P
Your mouth, and mine is always in yours for some reason.
[66:30]
Guest
No.
[66:30]
Christina P
Some reason. Back the fuck out of here. The out of here.
[66:34]
Tom Segura
Out of here.
[66:35]
Christina P
Spirit air.
[66:38]
Tom Segura
Remember what I was telling you about service industry?
[66:41]
Guest
I mean, I'm drop kidding.
[66:42]
Christina P
Your ass not good, right? Yeah, it's spirit.
[66:46]
Tom Segura
Out of here.
[66:48]
Christina P
Yes, you are. Jesus.
[66:51]
Guest
Out of here.
[66:52]
Christina P
You and your rag. Out of here.
[66:55]
Tom Segura
Go suck. Like I said.
[66:58]
Christina P
I said what I said and I said what I said. Please step to me like you want it.
[67:07]
Tom Segura
Imagine you're about to board a flight and you're like, what the.
[67:11]
Christina P
It's so terrifying. You're like, why are they yelling at us?
[67:15]
Tom Segura
You're not the one of the two.
[67:19]
Christina P
Be so scared if you're in line, man. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Oh, geez. Oh, geez, Mommy. Yeah, I have to. And I. Look, this is not very.
[67:39]
Tom Segura
Spirit is insane.
[67:40]
Christina P
Correct to say. But nothing scares me more.
[67:45]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[67:46]
Christina P
Than black. Black girls yelling like black women yelling, holy girl, get your life. I mean, I think it hearkens back to middle school, public school. And like. Like, this escalates, bro. And they will throw down.
[68:00]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[68:01]
Christina P
They fight.
[68:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah.
[68:06]
Christina P
This gets real, bro.
[68:07]
Tom Segura
I know. I know.
[68:07]
Christina P
This. This is like I'm having flashbacks to.
[68:11]
Tom Segura
To middle school.
[68:11]
Christina P
It's Great.
[68:12]
Tom Segura
What is it? Portola.
[68:13]
Christina P
Portola?
[68:17]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[68:20]
Christina P
Dude, black girls are vicious though. They will in middle school cut you.
[68:25]
Tom Segura
Yeah, yeah.
[68:29]
Christina P
The. That they say to each other, I can't even come up with.
[68:32]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I know. It's pretty good.
[68:34]
Christina P
It's like, damn, dude.
[68:37]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[68:37]
Christina P
All right, I said what I said.
[68:40]
Tom Segura
Did you ever get jumped?
[68:42]
Christina P
Of course. I mean, but yes. Yeah.
[68:49]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[68:49]
Christina P
Look, I didn't. Here's the problem, man, is I had come from a nice Lutheran school. I was like this quiet little blonde girl. I had a little bit of scrappy, a little bit of an attitude. And black girls would talk some in the locker room and talk everywhere. And I didn't know to shut the. I just didn't know that you don't say anything. And I told them, I was like, why don't you shut up? Shut the up. This is a locker room bad idea. And then I got on the radar and they're me up.
[69:17]
Tom Segura
Well, you learned a life lesson.
[69:18]
Christina P
Yeah. Don't talk to black people and don't talk.
[69:20]
Tom Segura
No, that's not the life lesson.
[69:25]
Christina P
You should be afraid of black chicks.
[69:26]
Tom Segura
No, no, no. Just. You gotta. That's. No, you gotta read a room and you gotta know when to.
[69:35]
Christina P
When to shut up.
[69:36]
Tom Segura
Yeah, that's the left.
[69:37]
Christina P
I know. I just. I don't know what was wrong with me. I don't know. But that scares me, dude. To this day I'm like, get away from that. Yeah, get away from that. Well, getting your spirit.
[69:51]
Tom Segura
I remember far away middle school in Milwaukee. And you know, it was a similar experience, but I already knew. I already knew when to shut the up.
[70:08]
Christina P
Yeah, I didn't know that one yet.
[70:09]
Tom Segura
Yeah, for sure.
[70:11]
Christina P
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, look, I defended myself. Not very well, but I. I fought. I tried, dude, but these got crazy, dude. Like ripping. Ripping braids out during lunchtime. And they fought hard. Harder than like chola girls because cholas would fight, but never a. At school. I feel like I didn't see Mexican girls throw down at school the way black girls throw down at school. Do you know what I mean?
[70:40]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[70:40]
Christina P
Like, I know they each other up, but that. That was like they did that somewhere else. Does that make sense? I don't feel like I didn't see cholas fight Angelinos. Anyone seen cholas fighting Cholas fighting Cholas girls?
[70:56]
Tom Segura
Yeah, Cholas.
[70:56]
Christina P
Yeah, I've seen that growing up in school.
[70:58]
Tom Segura
Yeah, they know how to fight.
[71:00]
Christina P
Yeah, they fight at school. Yeah.
[71:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[71:02]
Christina P
Okay. That was big in my school. Do you ever see like white girls Throw down. Like that one time in middle school, these two ghetto white, they threw down. They were throwing kicks and stuff. And then that was during a passing period. That was kind of cool to watch.
[71:17]
Tom Segura
That's always when the nails come out. The most violent fighting I ever saw was actually was white boys, though. White boys that I witnessed. Yeah.
[71:26]
Christina P
Like what?
[71:26]
Tom Segura
Legendary. Like, yeah, white boys.
[71:29]
Christina P
White boys get crazy.
[71:30]
Tom Segura
Who hit. There was another kid, another guy who was just, like, commenting, I think not even, like, in a. I think this. This guy was talking about another guy's girlfriend, and not in a grotesque way. It was just that he was, like, talking about her, and the boyfriend felt threatened by this. Like, just. He was like, stop talking about my girl. And just in the middle of the hall in front of, like, everybody, like, punched him and then got on top and just started, like, waiting. Like, when you see, like, a UFC fight and they're just like, bow, bow. And you saw blood, like, shooting out of the guy's face and.
[72:13]
Christina P
Yeah, this is a good point, because UFC fighters are all crazy white guys, right?
[72:17]
Tom Segura
A lot. Not all.
[72:18]
Christina P
Yeah. But the majority is, like, crazy white guys. It, like, there's some crazy white, trashy whites.
[72:22]
Tom Segura
There's a lot of trashy whites.
[72:24]
Christina P
Trashy whites love the ufc, so there's something to it.
[72:27]
Tom Segura
That's violence.
[72:29]
Christina P
Yeah, violence. God damn. Asians don't fight. You ever seen Asians fight?
[72:35]
Tom Segura
I mean, Asians fight, actually.
[72:36]
Christina P
In the ninja movies. Yeah, movies actually.
[72:38]
Tom Segura
Low key. No, I've never seen an Asian fight. That's crazy.
[72:41]
Christina P
Thank you. Like I'm saying, in school, like, public school.
[72:44]
Tom Segura
Yeah, in school.
[72:45]
Christina P
You ever see, like, the Chinese kids throw down? No, never.
[72:48]
Tom Segura
He had to be mixed. I'm pretty sure I've seen one, but had to be mixed. Yeah. Asian and black, probably.
[72:55]
Christina P
I saw a white kid get turned into a vegetable.
[72:58]
Tom Segura
Oh, really?
[72:59]
Christina P
Yeah, yeah. This kid I know punched this other guy I know. And then the kid got knocked out and hit his head on a curb, and now he's broccoli.
[73:08]
Tom Segura
Whoa.
[73:12]
Christina P
I grew up in small town Nebraska.
[73:14]
Tom Segura
And it was all like.
[73:14]
Christina P
Like, farmers and, like, trailer kids fighting all the time. Like, yeah, white kids, small towns. But no Asians. No, no Chinese kids.
[73:23]
Tom Segura
I never saw an Asian kid.
[73:24]
Christina P
Not one Koreans.
[73:26]
Tom Segura
But I know that right now there's definitely people listening and watching, being like, bro, yeah, I saw that. Nguyen.
[73:32]
Christina P
Yeah.
[73:34]
Tom Segura
Like, they just are yelling at them.
[73:37]
Christina P
Yeah, Vietnamese.
[73:39]
Tom Segura
He lit this dude up. Yeah, for sure.
[73:42]
Christina P
Well, that's true, because I do know there are Asian, you know, gang bangers. Asian gangs.
[73:47]
Tom Segura
A Thousand percent.
[73:48]
Christina P
Especially in la. Yeah, I just haven't seen it. I just haven't seen it. Yeah, interesting. Yeah. Let's get some emails.
[73:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah, let's get some.
[73:55]
Christina P
Are you an.
[73:55]
Tom Segura
Asian stories. Asian fight, Bullying stories. It's a nice thing to just put into the universe. Hey, did you witness an Asian kid beat the. Out of somebody? Please share it with us.
[74:07]
Christina P
We've never seen it.
[74:08]
Tom Segura
Wait, Tanner, you saw this kid? You saw this fight?
[74:11]
Christina P
Yeah, I was at a house party, and so he punched him, and then the kid was perfectly placed when he fell his head and hit the back of a curb, and now he's. He's pretty retarded.
[74:24]
Tom Segura
Did that other. Because usually when those things happen, you get like. You get arrested.
[74:28]
Christina P
Yeah, he got arrested. I was supposed to go to school with him. I was supposed to go to college with him. And since he had a court case, he couldn't come to school, so.
[74:36]
Tom Segura
You know that this, by the way, always reminds me of the one. I saw this orthopedic surgeon after I broke my arm and my leg snapped playing ball. And he goes. And I was all up. I was like. He goes, you're lucky. I go, lucky. He goes, well, you could have hit the back of your head and you. Then you'd be eating through a straw for the rest of your life. I was like, okay, cool. I'm lucky. Because he's like, you could have landed on your head, man.
[75:02]
Christina P
No, I'm lucky. Otherwise, I've had a you as a husband, like.
[75:07]
Tom Segura
Mike.
[75:09]
Christina P
Tom. Go do your act, Mike.
[75:13]
Tom Segura
Thanks.
[75:14]
Christina P
Go do your act, Tom. Get out on the road. Jesus Christ.
[75:30]
Tom Segura
I look at the screen and then it goes, what's up.
[75:36]
Christina P
Tom? Do I have permission then to have lovers?
[75:41]
Tom Segura
Oh, get the out of here, you girl.
[75:46]
Christina P
Get your life.
[75:49]
Tom Segura
All right.
[75:53]
Christina P
What?
[75:54]
Tom Segura
Nothing.
[75:55]
Christina P
How do we get down this hole? Oh, Spirit Air employees.
[75:58]
Tom Segura
Spirit man. I'm telling you, you're like, no service industry is cool. No, it's not. It's dog.
[76:03]
Christina P
I know. I just. You look, look, I have sympathy for them. It's a tough gig. Serving the public is.
[76:10]
Tom Segura
I don't think it's easy.
[76:11]
Christina P
Damn.
[76:11]
Tom Segura
It's the worst job.
[76:13]
Christina P
It's harsh. Public. You know what's really hard is customer service. And people are always angry and.
[76:18]
Tom Segura
Yeah, I know.
[76:20]
Christina P
And our stink.
[76:22]
Tom Segura
Okay, yeah, here we go.
[76:24]
Christina P
A lot of people are, of course.
[76:25]
Guest
Celebrating over it and touting about how great it is. Of course, there's the other angle, this participation rate. Explain that to us and why we.
[76:33]
Christina P
Need to look at that. Absolutely. Well, we're in a very good position to talk about what's going on.
[76:43]
Tom Segura
Okay. Jesus Christ. All right.
[76:49]
Christina P
It's Dr. Drew. It's a hypothyroidism or high birth.
[76:53]
Tom Segura
I saw a clip of a guy, by the way, talking about he was a basketball player. Talking about, you know, when you played this position.
[76:59]
Christina P
Yeah.
[77:00]
Tom Segura
He goes, yeah. You know, as a. There's when there. When you play, I forget if it was like guard or for. He's like, you know, there's astigmatism associated with playing that position. Yeah. And everybody was like, right, right, right. Like nobody. You know, as a small forward, there's always a stigmatism that we don't put the ball on the floor a lot. And you're like, right, right.
[77:26]
Christina P
How does this chick go on television? Not say something like, sorry, my eyes are wide open.
[77:32]
Tom Segura
Yeah, sorry, I'm freaking you the fuck out. Try to listen to the words and not look at me.
[77:38]
Christina P
She knows how she looks.
[77:39]
Tom Segura
Of course she knows.
[77:40]
Christina P
Why don't you just say something? With a lot of Fortune 1000 organizations.
[77:44]
Tom Segura
Jesus Christ.
[77:46]
Christina P
She hasn't blinked either.
[77:47]
Tom Segura
No.
[77:47]
Christina P
And we get a good pulse on what's ramping and areas of growth. We also work with experience that growth we're seeing tremendous here at Digimith.
[78:01]
Tom Segura
Holy.
[78:02]
Christina P
Oh, that was cool.
[78:04]
Tom Segura
Imagine if that was your partner.
[78:06]
Christina P
Partner?
[78:07]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[78:07]
Christina P
You mean your gay partner. There's people like this. This is usually in women you see. Yeah, I feel like I've seen like this where you're like, close your eyes, dude.
[78:19]
Tom Segura
Close your eyes. Isn't that crazy? She can't go. She either goes close or this. There is no in between. Also, there's, like no way to resolve that. You can't be like, hey, fix this.
[78:30]
Christina P
Of course there is. It's a medical. There's a medical problem happening. Unless she's gacked on.
[78:35]
Tom Segura
She's not jacked. She's. She's got an issue as. Yeah, problem. Listen, as a middle aged man, there's astigmatism involved. All right?
[78:45]
Christina P
So you're dating a misandrist and you've transitioned in front of them, and they are, like, part of the reason you're struggling to even identify as a man or trans masculine. You're like, I'm, you know, non binary. But I. And hey, I am complicated. I'm non binary. I'm a woman. I'm also a man, though. And I do look like this, and I'm walking the world like this. And so this person, during one of our fights was like, I don't see you as a man, though.
[79:10]
Tom Segura
And I said, that's weird.
[79:12]
Christina P
Everybody else fucking does. And they're like. I was like, you maybe should look at me a little closer because what are you seeing hanging out to kids?
[79:22]
Tom Segura
What's a misandrist? It's a opposite of misogynist.
[79:26]
Christina P
Yeah.
[79:26]
Tom Segura
Someone that hates men. Oh, it's a fake word.
[79:29]
Christina P
Wait, so, yeah, misogyny is woman hating and misandry is man hating. But he's saying I'm a man.
[79:39]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[79:39]
Christina P
I don't understand this. Dislike or contempt against men. Yeah.
[79:44]
Tom Segura
I. E. The male sex. Contempt for men. I know. A bunch of. Like this.
[79:51]
Christina P
I know. I feel like that's being popular right now.
[79:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Yeah. It's usually a bunch of busted ass hoes who can't find any windows.
[79:59]
Christina P
That's true.
[80:00]
Tom Segura
Them anyway.
[80:00]
Christina P
It's never.
[80:01]
Tom Segura
It's never a broke, busted, ugly ass.
[80:04]
Christina P
Yeah. It's never hot chicks. They're like, I hate men. It's like, no, dude.
[80:10]
Tom Segura
That were thrown to the side because they look like dogs. Yeah.
[80:17]
Christina P
All right. Oh, my God. I was re Watching Kevin Samuels.
[80:21]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[80:21]
Christina P
Yesterday just to myself. And he's like, okay, how. How. How tall are you? Five, two. How much do you weigh? 145. Okay. No, no, no. Like, he just straight out.
[80:33]
Tom Segura
I saw the clip. I don't know if we have it of somebody. Describe. He's. She's like, well, I need to know what my options are. And he goes, how old are you? And she was like, 43. He goes, none. She goes, I'm. He goes, none. She goes. He goes. She's like, I have three kids. He goes, nah, nah. Are you hearing me? None. Nothing. Nope. Nothing. She goes, I have no options. He's like, no, okay. You're 43. You got three kids. Who the fuck would want you destroy.
[81:04]
Christina P
Sir, if this circle represents all of the open defecation that happens in the world. Come on. This is the fraction that happens in India.
[81:15]
Tom Segura
Jesus Christ.
[81:16]
Christina P
And. And this is the fraction that happens only in rural India. 65% of rural Indians defecate in the open. So what that means is that most of the open defecation that happens in the world happens in rural India. Yeah, we got it. And most rural Indians defecate in the open.
[81:36]
Tom Segura
We got it.
[81:37]
Christina P
Every day these talks are getting dumber and dumber in villages in India. We get it. Go in the fields rather than use a toilet or a latrine. We got it. What's the reason that's bigger than the population of the United States?
[81:51]
Tom Segura
Why? Why, why? Why choose to do that?
[81:54]
Christina P
They're all poor and stuff.
[81:55]
Tom Segura
No, it's India. What's the reason to choose the field?
[81:58]
Christina P
Why not? It's perfect to out there. Wouldn't you love to in a field? I would love to. Outside with the nice warm.
[82:05]
Tom Segura
I love toilets. I love in my toilet.
[82:07]
Christina P
I would like to open desk, defecate. Can we build me an open defecation?
[82:11]
Tom Segura
You can just go out in the yard.
[82:13]
Christina P
I, I've never.
[82:14]
Tom Segura
Wave at the neighbors and take your.
[82:15]
Christina P
I would love to. I've never experienced stopping you from doing this defecation. I know it must. There must be something to it because all the Indians love doing it.
[82:23]
Tom Segura
That's true. Lack of readily accessible toilets, deeply ingrained cultural norms that accept the practice.
[82:33]
Christina P
It's fine.
[82:33]
Tom Segura
Poverty, inadequate sanitation, infrastructure.
[82:37]
Christina P
Who cares? Just out in the field. There's nothing out there anyway. It's rural. Who's it hurting? I think. You know what? I think this woman is open defecation phobic and I think she needs to.
[82:49]
Tom Segura
I actually always think about, like when you're thinking about this. Open defecation is the cleanup, the wiping.
[82:55]
Christina P
Yeah. So use their hands.
[82:57]
Tom Segura
Really?
[82:58]
Christina P
Well, I know in the. I don't know actually. I know in Muslim countries you use your hand.
[83:03]
Tom Segura
All Muslim countries.
[83:04]
Christina P
No, I've just learned that when I was in Afghanistan that. Yes. Sometimes they use their hand and they wash their hand. That's why you eat with the. Eat with the left.
[83:14]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[83:14]
Christina P
Wipe with the right or vice versa. I forget.
[83:16]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[83:17]
Christina P
I don't know. But they're. They're not bringing paper towels out. Oh, the way around. Yeah. They're not bringing paper towels to the field. No way. Maybe they're wiping with plants or leaves or something. Look, humans have been for centuries. This is how we all used to open defecate. Okay. Across North Africa, Middle east and Asia, people traditionally use their hands to wipe after using the toilet, followed by washing them with water, often using the left hand specifically for this purpose. Due to cultural hygiene practices, this is particularly prevalent in Muslim countries where water based cleansing is emphasized. Yeah. So you wipe with your. Your left and you eat with your right.
[84:01]
Tom Segura
Got it.
[84:01]
Christina P
You don't ever want to shake a Muslim's left hand.
[84:04]
Tom Segura
Yeah. That's considered very. Yeah. So you got dookie on it.
[84:10]
Christina P
Look, I don't know why she's just singling out the Indians, I'm telling you, but it's got to be other.
[84:16]
Tom Segura
Well, no open defecation. Good for her, good for them, good for them. I think it's causing some issues. This is why she's giving a speech.
[84:23]
Christina P
Oh, well, I do remember the story about open defecation where they would come to, like, Disneyland and out in public or come to cities and then still open defecate.
[84:32]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[84:33]
Christina P
They just haven't learned how to use a toy.
[84:34]
Tom Segura
Well, that's a big thing in mainland China.
[84:36]
Christina P
Yeah.
[84:36]
Tom Segura
So a lot of mainlanders that just anywhere will visit like Beijing or Macau or Hong Kong or, you know, Shanghai. And they're. They're rocking rural Chinese and they go into the big city and they're like, I gotta. I'm just gonna drop my pants right here and on the floor of this mall. And then they're like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
[84:58]
Christina P
See? And you know, don't think I didn't notice that when I brought up the idea that the Muslims use their left hand to wipe their ass. You look at me like it was crazy. Okay. I just didn't know because you guys are always like, oh, Christina, you got these crazy ideas. Let me tell you about the next crazy idea I'm watching. Can I tell you what's. Can I talk to you for a second?
[85:15]
Tom Segura
Sure, man.
[85:16]
Christina P
It's huge in the mommy tick tock world right now. The mommy sleuths out there. If you're. If. Candace Owens. I love you, girl. Candace, come on. Your mom's house. You need to explain this, what I'm about to tell my husband.
[85:31]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[85:31]
Christina P
It is so good. You guys have to go to her website, Candace Owens.com to see the stuff for her YouTube. She is staking her career on the fact that Brigitte Macron, allegedly Candace Owens, is saying that Brigitte Macron, the first lady of France, is actually a man. K. Lastima. Actually a dude.
[86:00]
Tom Segura
Come on.
[86:01]
Christina P
I know, it's crazy. And she's got a ton of evidence. And this Pulard guy who wrote a book. I bought the book. I'm all into it. Candace, I would love for you to come on and explain this to the world.
[86:12]
Tom Segura
You're so into this.
[86:13]
Christina P
I sound insane. I've been into it for like a month now. Every day I'm like, holy, dude. Brigitte Macron is a dude, bro.
[86:20]
Tom Segura
Let's pull up a Brigitte Macron.
[86:22]
Christina P
So I. Here's what I. Oh, we talked about this already on the show. Sorry. Yes, but so the. The series is called Becoming Brigitte. And. And she goes through their genealogy of the family and how these two meet. And by the way, there's all these stories that Macron meets Brigitte when he is 17 and she is 36. First of all, that's not true. He's. They're saying that he was 14 and she was what, like in her 40s or something? 30, 39. And that's when they hooked up. And there's a whole ton of evidence. You guys have to get into every detail because it's fascinating that there's no photographs allegedly of this Brigitte Macron for 30 years. 30 years, no photographs. Okay. She just, she's born. Okay. So then there's like three photographs that they, they put out of her. This is supposedly her at her wedding. Well, they do these AI analyses now of photographs like the kind that the Chinese use or whatever. And the, the AI is like, that ain't, that ain't Brigitte Macron. And that guy is actually her, I don't know, uncle, brother, whoever the. It's a whole crazy story. Allegedly she's assumed the. She's actually a boy. There's a family photo. Hold on, where's that family photo? Okay, let's go back. Her name is actually Jean Michel something. Go Google.
[87:47]
Tom Segura
That's her.
[87:48]
Christina P
That's her in her 40s. So that's when she's teaching. Okay, Google. Brigitte Macron young family photo. So it starts with here. So basically what happens is she and her husband get into the Ellie, say whatever, he's Prime Minister and like, well meaning journalists are wanting to investigate her background. Correct. And what they realize is that there's a black hole in Brigitte Macron's history, which is like you can dig up school photos, you can dig up everything, everything's public. So they're saying this, this Poulard and Candace that actually Brigitte Macron is the little boy here on the left. My left. And I don't know who the hell this one is sitting on the lap of.
[88:32]
Tom Segura
But isn't it possible that that's Brigitte on the lap? Sitting on the lap?
[88:36]
Christina P
No, because they did like AI analysis.
[88:39]
Tom Segura
Of the AI analysis.
[88:40]
Christina P
I'm telling you, bro.
[88:42]
Tom Segura
I mean, but why does AI analysis.
[88:44]
Christina P
Or whatever, photo recognition softwares and all of this? Well, if you look at I. Okay, can you Google childhood photo Jean Michel side by side with Brigitte Macron. I'm telling you, this little boy is identical to Brigitte Macron. If you do a side by side. There's all there. And then they found a few photographs of Michel. That's Brigitte Macron before she became Brigitte. So she disappears, she goes to Aliers, has a sex change, supposedly comes Back. And now is Brigitte. It's bananas. No, this is. This is Michael Jackson. Who are you bringing up anyway? Candice, please come on the show and explain this better than I am. It's a whole story. It's fascinating stuff. Okay, look, Tucker. Tucker Carlson follows her too. It's a whole thing.
[89:34]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[89:35]
Christina P
Allegedly. Allegedly.
[89:37]
Tom Segura
Well, I know that you're very. I would love to hear firsthand this account of how.
[89:42]
Christina P
Candace, come on. I know you're pregnant. Girl, you're.
[89:46]
Tom Segura
Tennessee is really Jean Michelle.
[89:49]
Christina P
Jean Michel. A man.
[89:51]
Tom Segura
A man who's a boy.
[89:53]
Christina P
Correct. Cool and right. So she is actually Jean Michel. She disappears, she comes back, and now she lives as a woman named Veronique for a while. It's a whole thing, man.
[90:05]
Tom Segura
Okay, crazy.
[90:08]
Christina P
It's in there. This allegedly.
[90:10]
Tom Segura
Why is she staking her career on this, though? Why is this? Why? Why is this?
[90:13]
Christina P
I'll tell you why. I'll tell you why. Because it's not just that this woman is a man.
[90:19]
Tom Segura
Back up one. Back up one.
[90:20]
Christina P
There you go. Those. See those photos, those four photos?
[90:22]
Tom Segura
Women who falsely claimed Bridget McCrone is transgender.
[90:27]
Christina P
Yeah. So they sued them for defamation or slander. But it's not on the claims that Brigitte is a woman. I'm sorry, Brigitte is a man. There's slander in the details of the stories. It's a long story. It's not what you think it is. So go back to those images. Those four images go up. Boom. The next row, second row, scroll down. Scroll down, mommy. There. Look at those. Okay, look at. Teeth don't lie. Look at the middle two images.
[90:54]
Tom Segura
Yeah. Oh, you're saying that those are the.
[90:57]
Christina P
That's Brigitte as.
[90:58]
Tom Segura
Okay, got it.
[91:00]
Christina P
See that young man?
[91:01]
Tom Segura
Yes.
[91:01]
Christina P
And then you see Brigitte Macron. Look at that. I mean, am I. Am my eyes deceiving me? And like Candace says.
[91:08]
Tom Segura
But wait, but I'm saying, what's the weight? Like, why do people care? Why do people.
[91:12]
Christina P
Oh, sorry. So the implications for this being a. If this really is a man who transitioned to a woman is because having a relationship with a 14 year old boy is completely inappropriate and illegal and wrong. Secondly, there's ties to. Allegedly Candace is saying in the. Elise in the government, they're protecting because they, you know, she believes that this is a culture and they're protecting. There's also links to the Rothschild family. Reggie Macron is actually a Rothschild, which is like the biggest banking company in France. I know. And they're protecting each other's interests. There's incest. There's all kinds of gross.
[91:54]
Tom Segura
Have you been talking to Sam Tripley?
[91:55]
Christina P
Every satanic culture, the lizard people are controlling. Here's my problem, Tom.
[92:02]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[92:02]
Christina P
Can I tell you my problem?
[92:03]
Tom Segura
Sure.
[92:03]
Christina P
I'm not doing stand up anymore. I'm not out in the world.
[92:05]
Tom Segura
We need to get you on stage. Yeah, yeah.
[92:08]
Christina P
I'm on the mommy sleuth. Tick Tock. And I'm here for it. I love it all. I need. I need a. I need to get.
[92:13]
Tom Segura
Out of the house.
[92:15]
Christina P
I agree.
[92:15]
Tom Segura
I agree.
[92:16]
Christina P
I know it. But Candace, I love you. You're doing God's work.
[92:19]
Tom Segura
All right, I want to hear the full story.
[92:22]
Christina P
Can we do some time Talks?
[92:23]
Tom Segura
Well, you. These are talks. We gotta go, man. We.
[92:27]
Christina P
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm. I'm the talk.
[92:29]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[92:29]
Christina P
I'm the Tik Tok today. Aliens. Oh.
[92:36]
Tom Segura
Oh, my God. What the.
[92:46]
Christina P
That was like a Danish dating show or something. He goes to French. That's the Macron family. That's actually footage of how they say hello to each other at holidays. It's just a cool lady. She's got great tits.
[93:01]
Tom Segura
Eddie, down, down, down. Yeah.
[93:08]
Christina P
Nice, Annie.
[93:08]
Tom Segura
Hell yeah.
[93:10]
Christina P
They have Therian masks at ikea. Breaking news, news. These are legit. This is a Therian mask. I don't know how you can. Otherwise cool. They have a whole box of them. And I just think Ikea's getting with the times. If you're doing quadrobics at the ikea, I don't think they would just.
[93:33]
Tom Segura
What the what?
[93:34]
Christina P
First of all, what's a therion? I think this is like the mass cosplay nerds. This is what dorks are doing. Yeah. Cause cosplay, Therian, furry. This is furry culture.
[93:45]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[93:46]
Christina P
And then quadronics. I'm not sure what a quadronic. Oh, maybe you're getting on all fours quad doing that dorky these nerds do on Tick Tock.
[93:55]
Tom Segura
Okay.
[93:56]
Christina P
I don't know when it. These nerds, man.
[93:59]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[93:59]
Christina P
They need to go back to being ashamed of themselves and very cool. Well, it's upsetting now that IKEA is embracing their stupidity.
[94:09]
Tom Segura
This.
[94:10]
Christina P
This weird furry.
[94:11]
Tom Segura
I think IKEA was just like, here's an animal mask.
[94:13]
Christina P
That's what I think too. But this nerd sees it as a cultural.
[94:16]
Tom Segura
Well, yeah, you see what you.
[94:17]
Christina P
Validation.
[94:17]
Tom Segura
That's why.
[94:18]
Christina P
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like they satanic.
[94:20]
Tom Segura
I think Brigitte is a woman.
[94:22]
Christina P
See, I've not been real proud of it, but my grandmother was a witch. An astrologist, somebody that studied the stars. My mother's name's Jojo. You know, the government knows Dorinda. The FBI knows JoJo.
[94:37]
Tom Segura
Eddie, she said the government. The government. Would you smash? Yeah, I give it a round. She got nice teeth. Yeah.
[94:47]
Christina P
I bet she could take him out.
[94:48]
Tom Segura
Awesome.
[94:50]
Guest
Honoria boy here literally just had this shirt made thanks to my Facebook friend named Tina at a place called Embroidery plus in Las Vegas.
[94:58]
Tom Segura
Cool.
[94:59]
Guest
Me walking Fremont any minute now. On Friday, I'm going to be going to Little Italiana in Summerland between, like, three and maybe like, seven. So if you want to come hang out there, that'll be pretty fun.
[95:12]
Christina P
Get gonorrhea, come hang out for next season.
[95:17]
Tom Segura
Good time to record outside.
[95:19]
Guest
We're gonna keep it going, but thank you so much, Tina. This shirt will be for auction eventually. I'll autograph it and see if anybody wants it.
[95:28]
Tom Segura
Yeah.
[95:28]
Guest
Gonna reach your boy.
[95:31]
Tom Segura
All right, so that was really cool.
[95:34]
Christina P
There's. What?
[95:36]
Tom Segura
Go ahead.
[95:37]
Christina P
There's just a lane of people that are proud of their sti and they like to. They don't want to be shamed.
[95:42]
Tom Segura
He gave out, like, a location where he'll be for, like, three hours. If anyone wants to come hang out, then I'll autograph this if anyone wants it. What the. So cool. If anybody could let us know if you bought the gonorrhea boy shirt, I would love to know. All right. This was a lot of fun today.
[95:58]
Christina P
It was really fun.
[95:59]
Tom Segura
We got to get going, though. We have a lot to do now.
[96:01]
Christina P
Yeah. Lots of stuff to prepare.
[96:03]
Tom Segura
Busy. Okay. We love you. Thanks for watching. Thanks for listening. We'll see you next week.
[96:12]
Christina P
10 million?
[96:14]
Guest
Yeah, 10 million be popping call me 10 milli tongs I be popping call me 10 milli Tongs I be popping I be popping, I be popping call me 10 milli tongue 10 milli in the bank got a clearing, got a bad. You just got a Karen 10 million today, 10 in the night I'm feeling kind of high But I got it going right so I do okay now I'm chilling with Push up in the stool we be making that money gotta spend it for a plan I be trying to raise a family I'm just trying to be the man now it's time to go to work Time to go to work I do it for the jeans now I'm trying to go berserk 10 milli tongue higher than a palm I don't know if you've seen it, but the new special, the bomb I be popping call me 10 milli tongue I be popping call me 10 milli tone I be popping, popping.
[97:14]
Christina P
Call.
[97:14]
Guest
Me 10 million 10 million in the bank Got a clearing I just got this new Whip Karen staring 10 million away I be losing sight I be writing Mostly stores now I'm on a flight oh, feeling kind of thrilled White girl cornrows with a crazy bill Disgraceful Completely normal, this now I'm feeling formal I be popping Call me 10 milli tongue I be popping Call me 10 milli tongue I Be popping Call me 10 million I be popping Call me 10 million.
[98:02]
Christina P
I'll be puppet I'll be puppet.