Tom's Face Overshadowed Matthew McConaughey | YMH Ep. 786

Summary

Podcast Summary: Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura
Episode: "Tom's Face Overshadowed Matthew McConaughey" | YMH Ep. 786
Release Date: November 20, 2024

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1. Introduction and Shaved Appearance Discussion (00:00 - 08:05)

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer addressing the significant attention Tom received for his newly shaved head and face. Tom humorously laments that listeners focused more on his lack of beard than on any other topic, including celebrity guest Matthew McConaughey.

Notable Quote:
Tom Segura [01:10]: "People were not talking about the Oscar award-winning actor. No, they were talking about my face."

Bert shares some of the unflattering comments Tom received, highlighting the comedians' playful camaraderie as they mock the critiques.

Notable Quote:
Bert Kreischer [04:04]: "You're Timothy without. That's so true."

Tom reflects on how his appearance affects his personal and professional interactions, emphasizing the humorous side of public scrutiny.

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2. Artistic Endeavors and Merchandise Promotion (04:41 - 08:07)

Bert reveals his foray into art, showcasing a detailed drawing he made of Tom without his beard. The artwork is described with exaggerated features, blending humor with creative critique.

Notable Quote:
Bert Kreischer [05:07]: "The red splotches on the top of your head, you know from various sunburn or just the pink hue in your skin. It just gets pinker up there."

Tom teases about the artwork's commercial availability, leading into a discussion about their merchandise offerings.

Notable Quote:
Tom Segura [06:10]: "It looks really, really like high-level stuff."

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3. Personal Updates: Bert’s Cancer-Free Announcement (35:39 - 37:09)

A heartfelt segment emerges as Bert Kreischer shares his triumph over cancer, announcing he's now cancer-free after completing intensive radiation treatments. He humorously recounts his final days of treatment, including dropping magazines in waiting rooms and wearing a prom dress to signify his recovery.

Notable Quote:
Bert Kreischer [35:39]: "I finished radiation, so thank you for your support, Tom."

Tom responds with genuine support, highlighting the deep personal bond between the hosts.

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4. Social Media and Influencer Culture (32:02 - 38:08)

The conversation shifts to influencer culture, focusing on a quirky Instagram personality known as Uncle Ron. They discuss Uncle Ron's humorous yet bizarre content, blending satire with social commentary.

Notable Quote:
Bert Kreischer [31:18]: "This is brilliant."

Tom Segura [34:19]: "You're the king of beefs."

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5. Memorable Events: The Missing Jacket Saga (39:51 - 43:40)

Tom narrates the amusing and somewhat dramatic story of losing his favorite jacket seven years prior and its unexpected return. The jacket becomes a symbol of nostalgia and personal significance, leading to humorous anecdotes about wearing it to high-profile events like a Mike Tyson fight.

Notable Quote:
Tom Segura [40:18]: "It was the best jacket in Paris. People are asking about the jacket. Is it true that he's wearing the jacket today?"

Bert Kreischer [42:31]: "Oh, there we are."

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6. Humorous Interludes and Creative Segments (43:40 - 79:00)

Throughout the episode, Tom and Bert engage in various comedic skits and improvisations. These include mock tutorials on making "piss popsicles," exaggerated reactions to social media trends, and playful banter about personal habits and quirks.

Notable Quote:
Bert Kreischer [58:20]: "I'm obsessed with lipstick. I just love it."

Tom Segura [64:11]: "I think I've discovered that I just can't have a hot dog anymore."

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7. Wrap-Up and Final Remarks (79:00 - End)

As the episode concludes, Bert promotes his new lipstick line, emphasizing quality and personal passion. The hosts exchange goodbyes with their signature humor, leaving listeners entertained and engaged.

Notable Quote:
Bert Kreischer [60:36]: "Thank you. And it's all because of the mommies out there."

Tom Segura [81:26]: "Love you guys. Thanks for watching on the way out."

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Conclusion

Episode 786 of "Your Mom's House" weaves together personal anecdotes, creative ventures, and relentless humor. From discussing Tom's shaved look and Bert's battle with cancer to navigating influencer culture and recounting the tale of a cherished jacket, the hosts deliver a rich and engaging conversation. Their ability to blend heartfelt moments with sharp comedic timing ensures that both longtime fans and new listeners find something to enjoy.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

Well, welcome.

[Christina P.]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Bert Kreischer]

You have one new voicemail.

[Tom Segura]

Hi.

[Unnamed Caller]

So you would be so proud of me. I'm hosting Thanksgiving for my friends, and I was stressed because I really wanted it to feel just like Michigan. But then I found the same stuffing mix that you use on Instacart, and I ordered instant gravy, canned cranberry. What else? Oh, I got everyone a little butter sculpture shaped like a turkey. All right, I should probably get cooking, but I miss you today. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom. Oh, and you should download Instacart. It's way easier than sending dad to the store. Download Instacart and enjoy free delivery on your first three orders. Service fees and terms apply.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode of your mom's house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hi, Jean. I'm so happy to be back.

[Tom Segura]

I'm happy to be here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Looking very natural, very relaxed, very feeling good.

[Tom Segura]

I got a lot of people commented on the fact that I had a shaved head and a shaved face, not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Just that you guys grew back. Had Matthew McConaughey on two bears, one cave, and the majority of the comments were about your lack of a beard.

[Tom Segura]

Overwhelming.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

People were not talking about the Oscar award winning a lister. No, they were talking about my face. And here's the thing. They weren't that nice about it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's weird.

[Tom Segura]

It was very strange.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why? What were they saying?

[Tom Segura]

Not nice things.

[Bert Kreischer]

My favorite comment. You told me. They're like, I think Christina gave Tom her cancer.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here. Here's some of the comments. Oh, without the beard, looks like a baby who grew up fast.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's funny.

[Tom Segura]

Tom looks like he's been boiled. Tom going full Dallas Buyers Club for this guest. The movie where Matthew McConaughey had AIDS.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, sure.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let's see. Who's the human hot dog sitting next to? Bert Invisalign really did a number on Tom.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Why is John Lovett's hanging out with Tom? With Burton, Matthew. I mean, Thomas, like the neighbor. I mean, I thought I looked like a normal guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I tell you something? I actually, you photograph really well without the beard in real life, it was very jarring and alarming, and those comments were accurate. But I feel like when you're photographing, it's really nice.

[Tom Segura]

Why in per. Why was it jarring in person?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just not you. And. And I don't like how expressive you are. See, right now, this is the level of expression I'm used to, where your mouth is covered. Everything's covered. It's just very placid and beige.

[Tom Segura]

You don't like me being more expressive?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope, not at all. It's very weird because I don't. I don't. Not used to you having face.

[Tom Segura]

At first you were like, oh, this is nice. I can see. I didn't know you have teeth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Your teeth are not as yellow as I thought they were when you had a beard.

[Tom Segura]

Beardless Tom is post nut clarity in human form.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. It's so true. That's so true. I think that's a good.

[Tom Segura]

Now that is the John cigarette.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cigarette. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Tom looks like an aggressive lesbian.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't see that. No, you like that one.

[Tom Segura]

He's really like any.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like that one.

[Tom Segura]

Is Tom dying from Christian his cancer? It sure looks that way. Funny Tom with out a beard is like seeing an owl's legs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's funny.

[Tom Segura]

Tom looks like the word ringworm. I mean, that's so true. Oh, Enn's reaction when I walked in that day was just like sling on the legs.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so true. Holy. I didn't even know they had legs like that.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, will you chill out?

[Bert Kreischer]

That's am. That is 100% accurate.

[Tom Segura]

He laughed hysterically. That was the funniest. That was the funniest. Because I thought you were just one of those porosos, you know what I'm saying?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. One of the investors or whatever. And they're like, hey, anyone? Like, hey, what's up?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, it's you. You don't look like Tom.

[Tom Segura]

That's Timothy. That ain't you, dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're Timothy without. That's so true.

[Tom Segura]

It's Timothy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because you're already pretty white guy. But then it takes it to another level.

[Tom Segura]

Super white guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

The whole world has been taken over by Timothy Segura. In fact, I would like to share something that I have done in honor of your lack of facial hair. It took the world by storm. And to commemorate this once in a lifetime thing that we saw Tom without his facial hair. It's like Haley's comment, it's never going to happen again in your lifetime. I have drawn. This took days. Days.

[Tom Segura]

You've really been getting into like painting and drawing and everything.

[Bert Kreischer]

I've got a lot of free time. My hobbies. I'm into hobbies and stuff. And I sat down and this took about a month to do.

[Tom Segura]

It's only been a couple weeks, but okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is Tom right now. And what I love about this is the attention to detail. He doesn't seem to appreciate it, but people in the art world have really Been enjoying it. Let's start with the top.

[Tom Segura]

I have it up on the screen. Oh sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love. I did there. I like the attention to detail. The red splotches on the top of your head, you know from various sunburn or just the pink hue in your skin. It just gets pinker up there. The eyebrows are still the meanies. You've always got those meanies going. Beautiful blue eyes, as blue as the sea. And then the dark rings under them, you know, just that's always going to be there. The patchy, blotchy, swollen, puffy darkness. And then the nose. Now some people would say, oh, that's not Tom's nose, it's Tom's future nose. I thought I would kind of give the picture a little time travel element. It's what's his name or favorite guy from the coming to America? John Amos. John Amos nose. And you got those beautiful mouth. That's a beautiful mouth. Beautiful full lips and then the chest hair and the beige. I didn't have a beige crayon so I used yellow.

[Tom Segura]

Well, real top tier work now. Are you selling prints?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course I am. I'll be selling these on ymhstudios.com signed of course to commemorate Tom's baby face.

[Tom Segura]

What's the price on these?

[Bert Kreischer]

I haven't decided yet. What do you think? I mean, you tell me.

[Tom Segura]

I mean it looks really, really like high level stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is. Tom. Took me a long time. It's very cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yet maybe people also demanded, by the way, demand, like so entitled. We demand an explanation. So I'll give you the explanation because you demand it. Yeah, I did it for. I had to do it for a television show that I've been shooting for a part that I don't want to give away. Why when you see it, you'll go, oh, this makes sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But that's why I didn't do it just because I felt on a whim.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, no, I've been trying to get you to shave this beard for 15 years. You won't do it.

[Tom Segura]

Both my parents, my dad was alive and my mom are all, they're always like, please my dad be like, why don't you just get rid of this?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And my mom's like, please shave, please.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, the last time you had a bare face is when we were married.

[Tom Segura]

It's very long.

[Bert Kreischer]

2008, 430, 17,000 years ago.

[Tom Segura]

It feels like 5 million.

[Bert Kreischer]

It feels a lot longer. Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah. Anyway, it grew back very fast. My hair on my head grew Back.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's amazing. What have you been doing?

[Tom Segura]

Just taking vitamins, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're on a lot of supplements.

[Tom Segura]

Supplements. You know, vitamin. I went to the gym this morning. Had one of those protein shakes you like.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, they gave you massive farts. That's a problem. I love that people are very upset by your lack of.

[Tom Segura]

Very, very mad at me.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I get it.

[Tom Segura]

It's. Get like 1 out of 200 messages would be like, I think it looks good. Don't. Don't listen to everybody.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was like, oh, thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it is, you know, we all know you as bearded. Bearded Tom Bear Tom. I don't like it when you change your appearance either.

[Tom Segura]

Back.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Your owl's legs face. That's so good.

[Tom Segura]

So it's really. I gotta tell you, I feel real good today. This is nice going over all these comments and hearing your breakdown. Beautiful painting. Let's. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ymhstudios.com let's open the show. Print now.

[Tom Segura]

Get your print now. Here we go.

[Bert Kreischer]

He spreads my cheeks and he makes me scream he's my number one daddy Going to make him cream inside of me while he's kissing so softly.

[Tom Segura]

Got a nice voice.

[Bert Kreischer]

So much. Yeah. Good job, Will.

[Tom Segura]

Randy, don't bring anyone to this. Welcome.

[Christina P.]

Welcome to your mom's house.

[Bert Kreischer]

Meow, meow. Almost up.

[Tom Segura]

There you go. Will Blunderfield. It's got a nice voice.

[Bert Kreischer]

He has an amazing voice. Also, what I love about Will Blunderfield because I keep up with him on the gram Tom is he finds unique different ways every single day to advertise homosexuality to straight men.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what you're talking about. I don't think it's really about that. I think it's about just becoming comfortable with your own masculinity. I don't like the way you pivoted that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know, I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

To me, that's something a straight guy can do.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course. No, but like the yesterday's post was like, if you're not sucking on your bro's hummus cannon, don't expect to attract the ladies. You really want to attract ladies.

[Tom Segura]

If you are straight and you like women, one of the straightest things you can do is spend time nude with your friends, your bros, your guy friends. And suck their nipples.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Cup their balls. I've been saying this. It just feels. I feel validated by Will becoming kind.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of more well known, but kind of. Doesn't it make sense on a level?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah. Tons of sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, no, I'M being serious.

[Tom Segura]

I'm saying serious, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just generating more testosterone.

[Tom Segura]

More testosterone.

[Bert Kreischer]

More male hormone.

[Tom Segura]

If you're straight. A guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's nothing straighter than that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Of course. He makes a lot of sense. I'm gonna. I've. I've been really. I've been scared because I'm kind of. I guess I'm kind of homophobic, but. Yeah. I've been wanting to a guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

You should try it. Yeah, I think. I think you should do it. Can I tell you the time to do it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Is now. Before people start recognizing you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because we walk down the streets and it's a little less. People recognize you. You could probably get away with a normal guy in a bar right now.

[Tom Segura]

Totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't have to go to an escort is what I'm saying. He spreads my cheeks. Listen to that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love Will's passion.

[Tom Segura]

He's very passionate. Very passionate.

[Bert Kreischer]

He spreads my cheeks.

[Tom Segura]

There's so much sense.

[Bert Kreischer]

And when he creams in his. Where does he.

[Tom Segura]

Inside of him. Inside.

[Bert Kreischer]

In his bee.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Wow. As he kisses him softly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, that's so nice.

[Tom Segura]

His number one daddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

But then the thing is, you leave there and you're like, I feel like a chick. That's. I think what happens.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm so juiced up.

[Tom Segura]

So juiced up with all this jizz in my ass. I feel like giving it to a girl now.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It really. When you think about it, you're like, oh, I'm full.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

From the back. And now I want to give it to. Give it to the front to girl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Who would you make gay love to?

[Tom Segura]

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[Bert Kreischer]

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[Tom Segura]

No, I'm too connected to him. I just know him too well.

[Bert Kreischer]

You need to have.

[Tom Segura]

I need to start emotional distance. Just.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, just a stranger.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Don't know. You go, you know, hook them horns, whatever.

[Christina P.]

You just.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, get in there. And then like, wow, that was crazy. I'm super straight. And then just go, yeah. You know, like, hey, hey, babe, where you been? I'd be like, I'm just working out. What do you think? I've been. Yeah, that's where I went this morning to work out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, I know. You're always having gay affairs. I'm convinced of it. I'm convinced of it every time you leave.

[Tom Segura]

So even though I hate to pivot away from that conversation, it's. It's crazy how much has happened since the last time we were in here. We had our election. We have a new president, a familiar new president. So exciting, so exciting to return to stability and logic and just good old Americana.

[Bert Kreischer]

Times have changed.

[Tom Segura]

Tom and Cabinets being named. It's an exciting time. It's going to be a great four years. I'm very optimistic. I like to be optimistic. I think everything's going to be real cool and normal and so that's fun. We have our president and we're.

[Bert Kreischer]

I, you know, I will say though, is that I've been on Melania. Tick tock. I've been going down her rabbit hole.

[Tom Segura]

She has an account.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, no, just like videos of her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And horrible.

[Tom Segura]

God, hated that.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think I had a full appreciation for her when she was our first lady. And now I. Because she's Slovenian.

[Tom Segura]

And she also didn't really. She didn't want to be there. I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because she married. That's why I like her.

[Tom Segura]

A guy who was like, I have penthouses in New York. She's like, great. I like this life.

[Bert Kreischer]

Great. I want to have Birkin back.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all she wanted out of it.

[Tom Segura]

She's living in D.C. terrible. I know. I think she hates.

[Bert Kreischer]

She wants to go live on Park Avenue as well as rather stay. So it's going to be nice seeing her. She's very thin. She's very beautiful. Her outfits are great.

[Tom Segura]

She has great outfits.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because, you know, the first ladies, historically, I say, aside from Michelle Obama, who's very attractive, they've been dogs. The dog pound. So it's nice to have a hot chick back in.

[Tom Segura]

Baron's all a six six and he's like a teen.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's 18.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna have like a whole other, you know, teen vibes. The teen vibe in the White House. Be interesting to see what this kid is like. Yeah. But yeah. Melania back.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it's very exciting. We're gonna make America great again.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. See, look at these dogs.

[Tom Segura]

Look at those.

[Bert Kreischer]

Martha Jefferson looks like a smoke show. Martha Washington dog.

[Tom Segura]

Look at that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, and these are paintings. Which means they're forgiving.

[Tom Segura]

Forgiving. Yeah. It looks like Angelica Van Buren was all right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I like.

[Tom Segura]

Oof. Harrison.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's just Margaret Taylor. That's a bad one.

[Tom Segura]

Real dogs in here. O. Look at Patterson.

[Bert Kreischer]

But hold on. Do you think these chicks were hot for their time?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Like Lucretia Garfield. Was she a smoke show? Was she the Melania of.

[Tom Segura]

Look at. Look at Grant. Look at Julia Grant.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on. Where is she?

[Tom Segura]

She looks like a runaway right there in the middle.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. She looks like a serial killer.

[Tom Segura]

O. Yeah. There's some bad Ellen Arthur there. That's. That's flattering.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm going to say Francis Cleveland is the hottest so far.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Francis Cleveland.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't see.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's got the color portrait. Oh, I mean, dark beauty.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I don't know. Look at McKinley there. They're like. Just face the wall this way we don't have your whole face on the thing. Eileen Wilson. Look at her. She looks like a lunch lady.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

Yo, Coolidge. Kind of bad, though. Where are we looking at? Cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where's cool Grace?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Grace can get it, right, Tom, as you say. Oh, look at M's got them baby bangs. Eisenhower.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She. She looks like a.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right. Jackie Kennedy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. And they didn't even really flatter her that much.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, Jackie had those pug eyes. They were kind of.

[Tom Segura]

Uhoh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Uhoh. I think you've been found out, my friend. Nothing to see here. Just.

[Tom Segura]

And let's see, who else?

[Bert Kreischer]

Perfect. Patricia Nixon. See? Can we.

[Tom Segura]

Betty 4 was a pill popper. That's pretty nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she started that whole, you know, thing. The thing. Barbara Bush. Ouch.

[Tom Segura]

She always looked old. Isn't that crazy?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, she's always been.

[Tom Segura]

Barbara Bush looked 80 when she was 40.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That's really crazy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. But Nancy Reagan was.

[Tom Segura]

Hillary Clinton portrait.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Laura Bush. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Laura was. She was attractive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hey, there's Melania. She's like, I'm model.

[Tom Segura]

Melania is totally the model look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then, I mean, Dr. Biden's an attractive lady.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's nice.

[Tom Segura]

She's nice looking lady. What? What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Babe, your beard is falling up.

[Tom Segura]

No, it's not. Shut the up. Shut up, buddy. Shut up. So, yeah, it's nice that we'll have a Slovenian model back in the way.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm Slovenian model this Christmas. Sounds like my mother. I don't want to do this Christmas.

[Tom Segura]

And she's one of the, like, the only. Because she's lived in, like, you know, the greatest housing you could ever live in. She goes to the White House. She's like, this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course. This is disgusting. This is not Park Avenue.

[Tom Segura]

All you get is the residence quarter orders. Like, you don't get. You don't live in the whole house. So she's like, this is.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is. Hold on though. Does Trump correct me if I'm wrong, but did he lose some LBs and now his suits fit better. Like, did he finally alter his suit?

[Tom Segura]

He may have actually had them tailored too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he had a remix.

[Tom Segura]

They were always like, super baggy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Really weird.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he's not as orange this time around.

[Tom Segura]

He's using less orange.

[Bert Kreischer]

Somebody blended his concealer into his foundation.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And he. He stopped tanning. So dark. So somebody talked to him. Somebody got to him fine.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know who it was about the appearance. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Maybe Melania.

[Tom Segura]

Maybe.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love her so much. Oh, yeah. See, the suits fit. Now he's changing it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not as orange.

[Tom Segura]

And he's also 78.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's not young.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. But, you know, he doesn't drink. He doesn't smoke cigarettes. He doesn't do drug us.

[Tom Segura]

What does it say? Finally addresses his weight loss. What does it say he lost? Oh, 15, maybe £20. Yeah. That's significant. Yeah. He's 77 there. Yeah. Because he's too busy to eat. All right. I love that he hired or he's nominated RFK Jr to be the health minister.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And they celebrated by all having McDonald's together. I don't think anything summarizes Donald Trump more than that. Like, the. The legacy is like, yeah, here we are. Here's my new health guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

And, you know, it wasn't hot and fresh because they're on the plane.

[Tom Segura]

I know. So it's cold. That's the worst way to eat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't eat McDonald's cold.

[Tom Segura]

You got to have McDonald's at McDonald's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Piping hot.

[Tom Segura]

Piping hot. Otherwise you can taste how it's made. I'm going to die after I eat this.

[Bert Kreischer]

You ever smell a McDonald's bag that you've left in your car? In the car just an hour later? You're like, did someone take actual poison? Yeah, it's terrible. It's like homeless dudes in your car. The kids leave fries all the time in the crevices of my car. Yeah, it smells foul.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's no good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, well, people are real stoked, I can tell you that.

[Bert Kreischer]

People are. America is pumped.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, people that I run into all the time are like, are you excited? And I was like, what? What? Okay, sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

I just. It's just. It's just same different toilet.

[Tom Segura]

I was in a production. Here, I'm gonna take mine.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

I'm telling you.

[Bert Kreischer]

What are you doing?

[Tom Segura]

I actually. This isn't my real Tom, but my hair has been growing back. My beard's been growing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Looks amaze.

[Tom Segura]

It's. This is like eight days, nine days growth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, you can grow a beard so fast.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it's coming back in. I have to shoot more of the show scenes on scenes in the bearded scenes in a few weeks, so I actually need this to be back to where it was or close the. So I'M shooting a show, and the morning after the election, I'm in a. You know, this is a Hollywood production. It's no secret. Everybody that works on. Most people that work in production are pretty liberal. So we. We. The morning after, everyone I run into is super bummed out, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm just kind of like, California's wailing and weeping. Of course, in Texas, they're like, everybody's so happy.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I walk in and I was. I mean, I don't think I've made it much of a mystery. Like, I've never been a big Trump fan, but I also. I'm not like a panic bunny who's just gonna, like, be like. The world is that I just kind of accept what it is. So I'm like, yeah, we got this fucking retard back. And then I walk in to the trailer and everyone's like, good morning. Like, shit. And I'm like, good morning. And they're like, yeah, kind of a long night.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, yeah. And then I try to joke.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

I walk up to one of the crew, I go, hey, we're getting our country back. And they do not laugh.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, they don't laugh at all.

[Tom Segura]

So I'm like, all right. And then it's just like, we also are. We have to get to work. Right. We have a long day. It's 6:00 in the morning. We have a fucking 12 hours ahead of us of shooting. I get in the chair and getting in makeup and costume, and then we're at a location. Then we move to another location. And when I move into the next location, I see someone who I haven't seen in a while, who's a real Texan, who's like, hey, it's good to see you. Glad you're shooting here. And I was like, yeah, you know, thanks for having us. And I just go, how you doing? Because I'm like, how you been? How you doing? He goes, I'm feeling real loud. He goes, feeling pretty good about last night. And I go, shut the up. He's like, what? I go, dude, there's a hundred crew people here, and none of them want to hear that. He's like, oh, right, right, right. He's like, yeah, but I'm pretty happy. I was like, yeah, cool, cool. Yeah, yeah, chill the fuck out. Yeah, yeah. Like, you can't announce that right here. You're gonna up our whole day.

[Bert Kreischer]

Everyone's gonna start crying.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, but that's just. Yeah, it's just the way it is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I have people from California, our friends texting us, like, is everything okay? Oh, my God, what's going on? I'm like, no one cares here. Texas is its own universe. We're unaffected by everything. Of course we can secede tomorrow and be totally fine.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But I also feel like these elections, people always put so much into how things are going to change. I know. And shit's not going to change.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's only four years. I mean, look, I'm not a political person.

[Tom Segura]

Things are not going to change. Your life's not going to change. It's not. People are like, I miss gas prices. Like, huh. Do you know that? Like, that's not how gas prices work. The president doesn't get in and go, new gas prices. That's not how it works. I don't think you know how. Do you have anything new gas prices? Yeah, they're just like, gas was cheaper. And you're like, huh. You know, it has to do with the price of oil at the time. Right. The U.S. president doesn't dictate that. I mean, whatever. People are fucking morons. So, like, yeah. What did the vice president do the last four years? Like, do you know what the vice president's job is? Like, that's not. Vice president's not going to be like, here's what I've done the last four years.

[Bert Kreischer]

What is the vice president's job?

[Tom Segura]

To fucking be a figurehead and support the. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's all they do.

[Tom Segura]

And whatever the president says, they go. That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right. They're a hype man. Like, they're just supposed to be there in case the prez gets shot.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then you're back up and you.

[Tom Segura]

Just are a mouthpiece for the. You don't do anything. You're a. You're like a figure. You're like the Queen of England. You just show up. You show up places and you fade away. And they go, get the fuck out of here. Yeah. You don't do anything that sounds. They're figureheads.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you want to run for president and I'll be your vp?

[Tom Segura]

No, I'd rather be vp. I don't want to fucking do anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to do anything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to be first Lady. That's way too much.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you have.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's too much. You have to. I have to pretend to be into causes and stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Like, no vice president. You show up, people go, we forgot you were fucking vice president. You're like, yeah, I know. I've been busy at the residence.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. They don't do shit.

[Tom Segura]

And then all they do is like, they go. The press goes, what do you think of the president's decision?

[Bert Kreischer]

And they go.

[Tom Segura]

They go, yeah, the president has a great plan and I'm 100% buying.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's basically the job of a wife. Like whenever your husband does stupid shit, you have to be like, no, he's right. He's 100% right.

[Tom Segura]

That's 100%.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm behind this person. No matter.

[Tom Segura]

The vice president should inherently be the first lady because the first lady knows how to do it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

If you get elected president, your wife is vice president.

[Bert Kreischer]

That should be how it goes.

[Tom Segura]

That should be the rules.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, but then what happens if he gets shot? Then you have to find a white guy to replace the vice president.

[Tom Segura]

That's right.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't want to be president. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks. It has to be easy. So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for 15amonth with the purchase of a three month plan, I call them on it. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for 15 bucks a month. We use Mint Mobile at the studio. And I'm telling you, it really was super easy to get set up with them. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to mint mobile.com mom that's mint mobile.com mom cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile.com mom $45 up for front payment required, equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. Cement Mobile for details. Is it just me or has TV gotten really complicated? I'm having to subscribe to a dozen different streaming services to make sure I can watch everything I love. Thankfully, Philo has changed all that for me. One service, all the stuff I need. Philo's got current seasons of the shows I can't miss live on networks like A E. Paramount, Discovery and tlc. Classics like the Office, Martin and Friends that I never get sick of and all of the incredible originals on amc from Mad Men to Orphan Black. Don't forget their library of more than 75,000 movies and shows, all of which I can save and rewatch anytime for a whole year. Never miss a minute of shows like the Life and Murder of Nicole Brown Simpson on Lifetime or killer cases on A and E. Best of all, with Philo, you get all this for just $28 a month. No contracts, no hassles, just one subscription and a world of entertainment. So go to Philo TV and check it out for a free 7 day trial that's P H I L O dot T V to start watching.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, yes. I mean, technically, the VP is president of the Senate. Again, it's just a fucking president of the Senate. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They have fake ties.

[Tom Segura]

They have a deciding vote, you know, on ties and like. But it's. It's rarely ever something that they go to, but it's all like. It's like a representation of something. It's not. Yeah, it's not real work.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's being the wife to the president. Basically, it should always be done by a woman because we're just easier to get along with.

[Tom Segura]

You think so?

[Bert Kreischer]

And we're just like, yeah, that's so. You're so smart, babe. It's kind of like what I do with you. I'm like, babe, you're so handsome. You're so smart. Everything you do is real rad.

[Tom Segura]

Now here's something that There was a third party candidate that wasn't on a lot of ballots a lot of people don't know about. Diarrhea test 468 initiated.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

Test 468 complete. More data to follow.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

This guy does this all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

I can vote for this immediately. He's stepping. Don't step in it. He's afraid of stepping in it. He just loaded shorts.

[Tom Segura]

He doesn't mind loading the shorts up. But you don't want to step. I know that feeling. You just don't want to step in it.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's like when your cat shits in the litter box and it's squirrely. He's trying not to step. This guy's brilliant.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's been doing a lot of cool stuff, Uncle Ron.

[Bert Kreischer]

Now might I make a suggestion, Uncle Ron?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you really want to engage your followers, you should make cellophane underwear tight. Cellophane.

[Tom Segura]

So you can actually see.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to see what I'm missing.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is too much of the imagination.

[Tom Segura]

Diarrhea test 470, initiate.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't push too hard. You don't have to push. Oh, he's peeing too. This is the greatest. Who is this man?

[Tom Segura]

It appears to be just your very interesting findings. More to fall. You gotta keep looking at that data. I loser. God damn. It.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's how I feel when he does.

[Tom Segura]

A lot of humor posts though, too. I've watched. I follow this guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Where. Where are you finding him?

[Tom Segura]

He's on ig. These are on Instagram.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. How have I missed this guy?

[Tom Segura]

You may have seen him in another one of his other videos.

[Bert Kreischer]

What's his name?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, Uncle. What is the. The actual Uncle Ron Returns. Is that the name of the handle?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Is this on YouTube?

[Tom Segura]

No, I think it's just Instagram.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is awesome. Now, see, Instagram is caught up to tick tock. And I will even say surpass tick tock now when I find my curations. Yeah, it's become more mainstream.

[Tom Segura]

I hate this. Says that you flagged this for me, That I have to watch this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, for those people just listening, it's a dude on public transportation violently picking his nose and then eating the books.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, isn't that special? This is an Asian one. This is what, Japan usually. They're not that disgusting. Right. Aren't Japanese people, like, hygienic in public and stuff?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

I could be wrong.

[Tom Segura]

I'm.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did you like that?

[Tom Segura]

No, I hated it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why do you hate that so bad? I know what you're doing. I know what the. You're doing. You're looking for a retaliation video. Yes. You are going to cancel.

[Tom Segura]

You know what? They kind of look like those don't packets. You know, just leave it in my upper lip. Like the don't eat packets. Yeah, he's gonna, like, make it fresher. Nicotine. Yeah. All right. How long is it? You're about influence, Michael. I'm like, I'm so honored that I'm the. I'm the person who's peer pressured you to do nicotine patches for the first time. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I've never. I've never done nicotine ever, so I'll know what to expect. First time, the Rick Ross. Yeah, I do look like Rick Ross freestyling sometimes. If I'm in the right headspace. One time I was freestyling here, sweating already. Bathroom comedy club. Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And it was like, no, he's not fine.

[Tom Segura]

He's fine. He's fine. He just. He was just fine. You missed it. He was fine.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I don't want to say it.

[Tom Segura]

But you have like, I knew you. No, it's not.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yes, it is. Don't lie to me. He passes out sometimes.

[Tom Segura]

If I'm in the right hand, he passes out. Yeah, yeah. One time I was. He passes out. Look, he hits the table with his head? Yes. No, he doesn't. He hits the table. Look, you're. Look, you're missing. Look.

[Bert Kreischer]

Not missing. I don't like it. You. You. You ass. E. He puked up everywhere. It's all paint. Is that going to happen to me if I try that?

[Tom Segura]

No. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're such a. You know that?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate you. I take back everything nice I've ever said about you.

[Tom Segura]

You had. What happened? You said you're done with something.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hate you so much.

[Tom Segura]

What were you done with?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Anyway, I. Yeah, I finished radiation, so. Thank you for your. Your support, Tom. Anyway, thanks, Josh. You smelt it here first.

[Tom Segura]

Tell us.

[Bert Kreischer]

Done. I did 35 rounds of Chernobyl in my tits, in my body. And I'm glad I'm done. Cancer treatment is officially over. I'm cancer free and I'm fucking back. And then I'll get my tits done in six months. But I know you guys have been wondering, what magazines did I leave on my last day of treatment?

[Tom Segura]

I have photos.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. So I had to go all over Austin to find a magazine stand. It's very hard to find quality mags these days. Okay, so I did find, like, a gay. Gay travel magazine.

[Tom Segura]

I don't have that one.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, no, no. Because I didn't. I ended up not dropping it. It was too aggressive. Like, they were, like, kind of holding each other too much and, like they're touching their junk.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

So what I left instead was Elizabeth Hurley on the COVID of Maxim. This is in the waiting room I've been dropping. You know, she's leaning over in. The tits are out and her tits are out. You know, she's older for a Maxim model, I'd say. But I figure the older crowd would appreciate that.

[Tom Segura]

Definitely.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then, of course, my final token. Weed world. I thought that was pretty fun.

[Tom Segura]

That's very cool. And also, this is the right audience for getting into weed.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's true. The cancer crowd.

[Tom Segura]

Cancer crowd.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

You know, I've been hearing about this stuff.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's true. I didn't think about that.

[Tom Segura]

What? Tangerine dream.

[Bert Kreischer]

Tangerine dream. So that's it. I'm done. I wore a prom dress to my last treatment.

[Tom Segura]

Look at you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here I am.

[Tom Segura]

You look great.

[Bert Kreischer]

My Chernobyl yellow dress.

[Tom Segura]

You look festive, my buddy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm super happy. I rang the bell and I was worried that I would be kind of a nanny, nanny poo poo to the sick people. Guess what?

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

They all clapped and cheered, and it was very special and beautiful.

[Tom Segura]

That's very sweet.

[Bert Kreischer]

And that was it. And now I'm severely traumatized. I've been reading horror. Horror porn. Like Clive Barker books. Like Books of Blood.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what that means. Very dark.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

But also very horny at the same time.

[Tom Segura]

It's horny.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's horny and dark.

[Tom Segura]

Why? I don't understand.

[Bert Kreischer]

Because it's like. It's like they talk about sexual stuff at the same time, like, ripping flesh off of bones and stuff. And, like, it'll get them aroused to. To see, like, blood and Guts.

[Tom Segura]

And who. Who's aroused by, like, the characters.

[Bert Kreischer]

These are all short stories.

[Tom Segura]

And they're aroused by. By horror.

[Bert Kreischer]

Horror and gore and weirdness. It's a. It's a whole new genre I'm into right now.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of a thing that happens in real life to some people who, like, are, you know, like somebody who's in a war.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Zone.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's me.

[Tom Segura]

So you get aroused because it's not that you're aroused by. It's that your system is shocked by trauma.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And to process it. Some people don't know how to process it, and so they. It finds it. It basically manifests its way out of you through sometimes horniness.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, that's probably where I'm at because I've been reading, like I said, Clive Barker, who wrote Hellraiser. I'm a huge fan.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And the Books of Blood is what that stuff's based on.

[Tom Segura]

Interesting.

[Bert Kreischer]

And I think, yeah, maybe I'm just super traumatized. And there you go.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Shout out. Also, Doug Bradley, who plays Pinhead, he's a fan also.

[Tom Segura]

I'm very proud of you and I'm very happy for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks. Yeah, well, yeah, because, you know, without me, like, who's gonna. Who's gonna, you know, love you and take care of your kids and stuff and tell you how great you are? Who's gonna be your vice president without me?

[Tom Segura]

There you go. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. I'm happy also, and I think it's.

[Tom Segura]

Real sweet that you dropped off the magazines for them. I really did. That's one of my favorite bits you've done.

[Bert Kreischer]

But we'll see if they've pinned it to me. If they've. If they've identified.

[Tom Segura]

Well, they're gonna get a good tip.

[Bert Kreischer]

They're gonna know now. I know I'm gonna go back in for my checkup, like, tomorrow.

[Tom Segura]

It'd be cool if they're like, oh, you had an appointment here, but we're Canceling your appointment.

[Bert Kreischer]

They know that I'm an asshole. But I know that a lot's been going on in my world with cancer and the radiation. But more importantly.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Major news in your world we haven't even talked about yet, which is the return of the jacket.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, my God. So the jacket.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow, Goes back this far.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let's show the people the. This story first. I think this should summarize it for everybody first. It happened about seven years ago. I couldn't believe it. This jacket fit like a glove, man. And I just. I absolutely loved this jacket.

[Bert Kreischer]

You mean you lost it?

[Tom Segura]

Well, I think I did lose it, but I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

If you loved it, you would have kept a better eye on it.

[Tom Segura]

Such an. You know, it was the best jacket. It just bothers me that it's gone.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. You have to let it go. You gotta let it go.

[Tom Segura]

Tom, you really broke my heart. I just thought it was irreplaceable, you know, Jackie, karma.

[Bert Kreischer]

You lose a jacket.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're going to gain an even better jacket. Just watch. You see? It'll come to you.

[Tom Segura]

Then I came to Paris. I saw this jacket, and, oh, my God, it's the best jacket in Paris. It's the best jacket in the world. People are asking about the jacket. Is it true that he's wearing the jacket today? This jacket, man. Where can I get one? People are touching it, and they're talking to me about it. So hot.

[Bert Kreischer]

So much jacket.

[Tom Segura]

It's the best jacket.

[Bert Kreischer]

Sexy jacket.

[Tom Segura]

I want to see the jacket. I'm not gonna lose this one. I love this jacket.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's gonna be a great resolution to your lost jacket. You'll see.

[Tom Segura]

Lisa, make the dress.

[Bert Kreischer]

Lisa, jacket.

[Tom Segura]

I can't keep it. It's gotta rest. You know, the Nazis.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

The jacket, the jacket story, the origin. So the first one, the one that we flash back to. Yes, I remember that. You remember we. When we did Nikki Glazer's show together.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Comedy Central show, Not Safe.

[Tom Segura]

That's what that still was from. Because I wore it that day, and I. I just don't remember it after that. But when I lost it, I was heartbroken. And you were right. One jacket left and years. It took years. Yeah, years.

[Bert Kreischer]

Years.

[Tom Segura]

And then this jacket came into my life, and I wore it to the Mike Tyson fight.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So many btbs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Btbs.

[Tom Segura]

Big time Blacks.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Gave me incredible compliments.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

People were talking about it left and right. I mean, it was. Oh, my God.

[Bert Kreischer]

People couldn't focus on the fight.

[Tom Segura]

Here I am With Pac Man Jones.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, there we are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, there we are.

[Tom Segura]

Page six.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know what. I guess I didn't realize I'd been photographed. Oh, yeah, I remember when they took that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Anyway, I. I would forget that I had the jacket on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then I was reminded constantly. People were like, that's a fresh jacket. People were asking me left and right. So much fun. I introduced you to Pac Man. Pac Man Jones was there, and he was so vintage. Pac man, he was the life of the pre party. During the fight, they were bringing out, clearly, these boxes that were meant for somebody. He was like, hey, give me that. Just take six of them and hand them out to us. And people around us.

[Bert Kreischer]

They were snack boxes that Netflix had provided for, but they were.

[Tom Segura]

They were going somewhere. And he was like, nope.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hilarious. And no. And then. And then. Wait, wait. The best part is he opened one.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Didn't like the contents.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then handed it to me, like, hey, you want this shit?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Thanks. Pac man, he was the life of the party.

[Bert Kreischer]

He really was.

[Tom Segura]

And I had so much fun. And then he, you know, we talked about getting together. He also wants to come on tour and see a show. And I was so stoked. And then the next day, I get a text from someone. They're like, oh, sucks about Pac Man. I'm like, what do you mean, sucks about Pac Man? And they were like, they sent me this.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's the jacket.

[Tom Segura]

There's the jacket. And there's me and Pac Man. Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then.

[Tom Segura]

I know it sucks.

[Bert Kreischer]

We'll read the. It says, former NFL player Adam Pacman.

[Tom Segura]

Jones arrested on multiple charges after Mike Tyson Jake Paul fight. Police say. And I was like, no.

[Bert Kreischer]

And you're in the photo.

[Tom Segura]

I'm in the photo that they. They did it with. But, yeah, he got arrested just after one. So it's only like a couple hours after we said bye to him.

[Bert Kreischer]

But can I tell you that I kind of. I understand him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Getting so fired up. Because I think you had to be in the room to feel the energy of the level of disappointment that we all felt from that fight. Because the women went up first. Those.

[Tom Segura]

The two women fought Taylor and Serrano.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, my God. And that was like.

[Tom Segura]

That was a brawl.

[Bert Kreischer]

Palpable energy, and people were losing their minds.

[Tom Segura]

We were all like. We were. I mean. And you know who knew that was going to be a fight was Kendall.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's right. Kendall Tool. We ran into her.

[Tom Segura]

Ran into her, and she was like, get to your seat for this fight. She was like. Because this was, like, their rematch, maybe even the third fight. And she was like, this is going to be a good fight. And that fight was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That crushed her eye, gashed open, and we could see that.

[Tom Segura]

And Taylor was.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was amazing. I'm totally into women's boxing now, and I want to go see ufc.

[Tom Segura]

You gotta go live.

[Bert Kreischer]

I gotta go see live.

[Tom Segura]

Is a total. It's just like when people go, I watch comedy specials. And you're like, you never been to a live show? Like, it's a totally different thing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well. And I have to admit that I was very sexist against women. When I saw them fighting each other the first time, I remember even saying to Joe, like, privately one day, I was like, I don't. I don't know. I don't like seeing women hitting each other and stuff. He's like, goes, Christina. They're warriors. And I was like, oh, that's cool. Like that kind of.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, they're not.

[Bert Kreischer]

That makes sense.

[Tom Segura]

They're not regular chicks.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. And then I was like, I get it. Because when a bitch fights, fuck. Like, you know how fucked up you have to be to be a female comic. Take that times a hundred. And you're a female boxer. Holy shit. Now I got to get into this. I love it.

[Tom Segura]

Incredible. UFC MMA Fighters.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I want to watch. So. So hold on. So the room is electric. Women fight. Everybody's pumped, and we're all waiting for Tyson to come out, right? And the other guy, Jake Ryan.

[Tom Segura]

Jake. Paul.

[Bert Kreischer]

Paul Ryan comes out, and we're just like, boo that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Everybody booed. It was insane that. It was like a fucking stadium booing and then a stadium cheering. It was insane.

[Bert Kreischer]

No one gives a shit about that guy.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the thing. I mean, obviously, a lot of people watch this live, so I'm not telling you a thing. You don't know. But we're at this point, they move us. We're in the fourth row, and we have great. Like, just right there. And like, that first round, you know, you're like, okay, it's first round kind of jitters, feeling each other out. Okay. You get into, like, the second and third round, and you clearly see something. Two things, really, that stand out to me. A Tyson's footwork is just. It's. It's odd and it's off. Right? But the other thing that's real clear is that he doesn't press once.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

So he would set something up, like a clean jab rock. And then there's a window for you to go in and like, it's like how he. That's how he made a name for himself, right? Was like, bap, bap. And then the attack, right? You press and, like, unload on somebody, and every time you're seeing a window for it, he's actually retreating clearly. So he's like, boom. And then, you know, your. Your opponent gets rocked. So this is like the window for you now to attack. Like, their defense is down for a brief moment, and he would retreat. And you're just watching this. And then by the fifth round, the sixth round, that's all you're seeing. You're just seeing retreating and you're like, oh. And then it's clear that to be fair to Jake, he also is doing the same thing. Yeah, he's setting up something with a jab and then retreating. And then you're like, we're. What we're watching is a friendly spar. We're watching, like, sparring, light sparring. We're not watching a fight. And then it's like, it takes. It just takes you a moment to process it. You're like, oh, I can't believe that's what I'm watching right now. I got all excited for, you know, a fight abroad, and it's just clearly not that. And so, yeah, there was just this real cloud of disappointment in the. I mean, the crowd started to boo pretty loud by the 6, 7, and 8th round.

[Bert Kreischer]

I was upset. I wanted my hero to win.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Everybody was just like, what the fuck is this? I mean, it just felt like there were. There was clearly an arrangement.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, the. Yeah, right.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

The energy was just. And the energy was pivoted.

[Tom Segura]

It was such blue balls.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You know, we were all like, we're gonna nut so hard.

[Bert Kreischer]

So hard, dude.

[Tom Segura]

And then everybody was like, no. Oh, we're. This isn't a topless place. Yeah, we. We keep our bikinis on. What the are we doing here? I know, I. I know. $6,000 in cash. I'm just gonna watch you dance. I don't give a. About your dance unless you're tits. Like, you know, that's kind of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks. That's a really.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I just. I just pulled that out of me. So the. Here's the thing that I heard, though, that I wanted to tell you about Pac man is that I get. I see this. I'm like, damn, so sad. I see the write up. But then I went to Pac Man's page, and if you go to Pac Man's Instagram page, that one on the left there with all those people. That's from the night. Put the audio.

[Bert Kreischer]

Whoa.

[Tom Segura]

That's at the. That's where. At the place he got arrested. You hear that lady drop, right? And there's Pac man calling him an N bomb. They're touching him, right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Two of them calling him the end. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Anyway, yeah. Pretty crazy that, like, that's who is saying like that to him. And clearly that's considered assault, too. You know, like touching somebody. Anyway, by the time you guys see this, I'm sure he will have given more info on it. But it's like, sometimes you just see an article and you're like, oh, what happened? Then you see something like this, and it's pretty gross.

[Bert Kreischer]

Instigated it for sure. Pretty grossly. Again, the emotions were high. Everybody was. Yeah, it's a lot going on. Listen, I got a pitch real quick.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

And then I got to make a big announcement.

[Tom Segura]

And Paulie, go. Go ahead. You peed. I took my hair off.

[Bert Kreischer]

We're just getting comfortable.

[Tom Segura]

So, you know, as a lifelong goth and goth fan, I brought something to your attention because I'm always trying to get you to learn more about me. And Boise State has a volleyball player.

[Bert Kreischer]

A goth beach volleyball player. Nora Haid, a sophomore beach volleyball player at Boise State University, has gone viral for her unconventional goth look featured in her team's roster.

[Tom Segura]

She looks rad.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, she is rad. Now, I will say, as a goth, very strange to choose beach volleyball considering we don't like to get a ton.

[Tom Segura]

Of sun and also, like, this kind of, like, festive sport.

[Bert Kreischer]

It is a perky thing. I mean, I would go with something angry, like lacrosse, maybe horseback riding, solo sport, maybe tennis. A goth tennis player would be great, but I'm stoked it's standing out. With her pink dyed bangs, bold eyeliner, and septum ring, Haid has earned a large online following for bringing an alternative aesthetic to sport to a sport often associated with traditional beach culture. So good. I'm okay. It says. Hayd's unique appearance has sparked a humorous online debate over whether her style leans more toward goth or Juggalo.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, I can see that.

[Bert Kreischer]

But she remains focused on combining her love for sports and artistic self expression. Very cool.

[Tom Segura]

And you guys, one of the things you do.

[Bert Kreischer]

She's a goth lead.

[Tom Segura]

As a goth.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Is you. You like, because sometimes, like, some of your friends, like, you'll meet somebody like, oh, she's goth, but you're like, she's this type of goth. She's like a new age goth. Or whatever.

[Bert Kreischer]

So I'm a trad. I consider myself trad. Got where? The first wave. I. You know, I stopped there. I don't like Marilyn Manson. I know, I know. Sorry, guys. I stop at like the 80s music.

[Tom Segura]

Is this sort of like a trans. Exclusive, radical feminist. Are you the J.K. rowling?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Of goths.

[Bert Kreischer]

So she would be. I guess. And I want to go with like, not a cyber goth, but a. Definitely the newest generation of goth, which I'm not even familiar with. But I like it. It does. It's a little jugalette. I can see that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. But she seems very cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

But I respect the hair. I respect the tradition.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the thing. You're always like, into somebody who owns what they're into. You know what I mean? What they are.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love her.

[Tom Segura]

She is what she is, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

Good for her.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of people who are just who they are.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Fancy chef apparently went to the Script. He's in the Script Club. And that's someone's ass for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, under too.

[Tom Segura]

The outline of it. Sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. He's doing his thing, you know?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Good for him.

[Tom Segura]

He's doing his thing, man.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's still wearing his chef's uniform under the fur coat, which is rad. Like always. Always chefing.

[Tom Segura]

I was following. He went to Philly and he wore the mink.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

With the chef underneath. And yeah, he was really out there. But I got an update.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know if you know this. He's upset. He's upset. That's what Zolo told me.

[Bert Kreischer]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Why Zolo?

[Bert Kreischer]

Apparently we called him or somebody called him autistic on the show. And that's probably me. Yeah. He wants to set the record straight that he's not.

[Tom Segura]

There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

I'm probably from the Source himself let it be known that the fanciest chef on the planet not autistic.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

So I hope that clears the air.

[Bert Kreischer]

Definitely not. I. I can't believe anybody. I'm sure it was me. I'm.

[Tom Segura]

You must have misspoke that day. Totally.

[Bert Kreischer]

I must just. Whatever.

[Tom Segura]

Here's a question. Is this guy autistic?

[E]

All right. What's the lowest?

[Tom Segura]

What's the lowest? I think about 4,500, probably be.

[E]

The hell is that?

[Tom Segura]

You ain't hitting no bumps or anything.

[Bert Kreischer]

Are you yourself again? If I'm. If I'm calling about, like, you know.

[Tom Segura]

I put an ad in there for my car. Why.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why would I have some why would.

[Tom Segura]

I be doing that if I'm trying to sell my car?

[Bert Kreischer]

It may.

[Tom Segura]

That doesn't make any sense. Yeah, well, it doesn't make any sense to be into the phone either, but it sure just sounds like that's what you're doing. I mean, by godson told the spade to speed. It's pretty. The guy. The guy let it go for a second and he's like the. Are you doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I do like the Southern like.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, man, I do like this game, let's call it, of farting on serious phone calls. I think that's a very fun game.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, who. Well, hold on.

[Tom Segura]

What?

[Bert Kreischer]

Does anyone else see the irony here? Yeah, and he. Go ahead and point it out to my husband.

[Tom Segura]

Well, yeah, he was a little angry when you did that. I mean, to be fair, it wasn't a little non joking way to be fair.

[Bert Kreischer]

Non joking. In all seriousness, what.

[Tom Segura]

When? What are you talking about?

[Bert Kreischer]

That I would make business calls on the toilet.

[Tom Segura]

That's a toilet. That's totally different. What do you do on the toilet?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, what do you do?

[Tom Segura]

No, you have no respect for humanity. I'm talking about. This is a fun game, huh? He's laying on the bed. It's totally different. You're taking dumps, talking to people.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, I didn't poo with Brendan. I only made you need to be.

[Tom Segura]

With Uncle Ron making videos. This guy is more. I think this is a more fun speed here. Okay?

[Bert Kreischer]

Like, I like that. And also, for some reason, it violently shakes. And it only does that when I get.

[Tom Segura]

When I get filled up with gas. It only violently shakes when I fill it up with gas. Okay. So, yeah, I mean, depending on what.

[Bert Kreischer]

We find, we pretty much go from here. Unfortunately, I wouldn't be able to tell you we can fix it or not.

[Tom Segura]

Until we actually start.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ching it.

[Tom Segura]

He got everybody on that one. You guys like that one? Yeah, I do that to my cousin Jeanette a lot if I talk to her on the phone.

[Bert Kreischer]

You do that to everyone.

[Tom Segura]

No, not like babe, you do like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why are you lying?

[Tom Segura]

I do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pinocchio, your nose is gonna grow now.

[Tom Segura]

I did. I was with you and you called down to the front desk. Remember when.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

And I just.

[Bert Kreischer]

You beefed. Yeah, yeah, but you beef and then you pull your legs up and you pump your legs and you spread your legs. You beef all the time.

[Tom Segura]

That's.

[Bert Kreischer]

Why are you lying?

[Tom Segura]

That's not true.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're so disgusting. And then you're like, well, let's. I want to. And you Just beef on me all the time.

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, you beefed in the room last night. We were putting the boys down and it smelled so bad we kicked you out.

[Tom Segura]

That's true. That is a true story.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're the king of beefs. Hey, may I please segue before we get into something else?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, sure. Please.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I? I'm very excited to announce this beautiful lead in here. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

Let's see here.

[Bert Kreischer]

Chips in a bowl. I want cats eating kibble.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, wow.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a big thing. Such a good sound.

[Tom Segura]

This is for a big announcement.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is a big announcement, kids. Chips in a ball, mommies.

[Tom Segura]

The stage is set.

[Bert Kreischer]

Go ahead, jeans. Everybody. Pull your jeans up over your eyes as high and tight as they can go. At long last. At long last. You know, last summer I came out as Paulie and by and by. And I came out with the perfect red. This was my first lipstick and I believe this to be the most perfect shade of red. The perfect consistency, everything. Cuz I've been wearing red since I was 13 years old and I researched it and I made it in Italy and it's been such a success and I thank everybody that's bought the perfect red that now this is a blue based red. I have created a orange based red called the. The non. No, the atomic red. And this one is orange based and it's lighter. Same formula, different color. And I've also added two more colors. Madison, which is a mauve. This one you can wear. You know, picking up the kids, going to the grocery store, it just kind of elevates your everyday look. And then if you want to get spooky and you really want to show. What's up, Berlin? This is a dark burgundy and it's only for the real goths out there. It's real GS, maybe the cholo goths, whatever this is. If you really want to, why don't.

[Tom Segura]

You send that volleyball player one?

[Bert Kreischer]

I would love to send the volleyball player all four. You can buy the perfect four by the collection together. And I also have a bunch of new merch in my store. By the way, I have a brand new website too. Christina P dot com. No more Christina P. Online.com which was so awful. Christina P dot com. You can find all my new merch, new designs. I've actually drawn a lot of the doodles that are on these shirts myself. So you have to buy it, you have to check it out.

[Tom Segura]

It's very cool stuff. I will say this. Christineza. In all the years that we've had items Shirts, hats, mugs, whatever, back, tote bags, you name it. And you brought the idea of your lipstick.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And doing it, I was like, you know, fucking broad. Yeah. And you know that it's the best selling thing that we've ever had in the store, in any store. And it's all because you thought, thank you, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. And it's all because of the mommies out there.

[Tom Segura]

It is because of the mommies, but I'm saying it's because you believed in this, going down this path.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I'll tell you why I believe in it because I have a passion for it.

[Tom Segura]

That's true.

[Bert Kreischer]

I am fanatic about lipstick. You guys know me. I wear my red every single time we film the show. I'm passionate about lipstick and I believe in it. And that's why I spent a ton of money doing this. This is not a bullshit cheapy thing.

[Tom Segura]

No, I know.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is made in Italy. It's imported. It's the best quality lipstick.

[Tom Segura]

And you did a great job.

[Bert Kreischer]

A lot of companies, even the brands you think are, should be fancy, expensive. They're not fancy and nice.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

They use cheap and they're not beautiful. Nice. This is the real deal.

[Tom Segura]

So the way you feel about that is how I feel about the sex dolls that I've been working on. It's my passion, it's what I believe in. And they're going to be in the store real soon. And you guys can be doing the same stuff I've been doing.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, look at that. It's so beautiful. And the new website has pretty stuff on there too. I'm so pumped. And also on my Tick Tock, if you go to Christina P. I can. You can now buy this on my shop. I've got a Tick Tock shop and I'll be on there all the time just talking about.

[Tom Segura]

You did it, Gene.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know. I'm obsessed with lipstick. I just love it.

[Tom Segura]

Do you?

[Bert Kreischer]

I want you to try it out. Will you wear this? Can I. Can I get you to try one? Because your lips are very pretty. Which color would you be? I think you're a Berlin because you're kind of saucy. You okay, so you've got like a reddish pink. Don't sneeze during the show. You've got a pink.

[Tom Segura]

You're gonna do that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Leave the room undertone. So I would go with this.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

To dim that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, we'll try that. You remember this, right? You definitely remember this.

[E]

You drink red wine.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love him.

[Tom Segura]

I love this guy.

[E]

He's really greasy.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[E]

And I love pepperoni.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[E]

I like pizza, but I love pepperoni.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. So I feel this too.

[Bert Kreischer]

This guy's the best.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[E]

I chewed up really well.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[E]

I get your juices and grease in my mouth.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[E]

Both sides. My cheeks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yep. And then. Then I sip my red wine with crushed ice.

[Bert Kreischer]

So good.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Bert Kreischer]

Swish it way around my mouth. Yeah.

[E]

I love feeling the grease come out of my cheeks.

[Tom Segura]

He literally looks like a stick of pepper.

[E]

Learn how to drink wine.

[Tom Segura]

Well, guess what?

[E]

Get the greases out of here. The palate.

[Bert Kreischer]

But he. Can I tell you something, though. This is a man of the people. He finally gets what we like.

[Tom Segura]

Well, here's the thing. I love this guy because it's like your lipstick thing. He is not only looks like he's covered in it, but this guy is completely authentic.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

He's unpretentious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's just genuinely sharing what makes him happy. Right. Guess what? More. More. Oh, God.

[E]

Drinking ice and wine. I love to eat hot dogs. But the famous hot dog for me to eat at home on Chuck. Sunny Avenue is burnt hot dogs.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[E]

And burnt hot dogs are delicious. When I put them on a bun with mustard and sip my wine.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's what's up, bro.

[E]

So we're gonna take the famous bunny bread of New Orleans with some French yellow mustard. No chili. We're gonna take a bite of this beautiful bar. Taco.

[Bert Kreischer]

Fuck, yeah, dog.

[E]

Delicious. But it's even better with crushed ice and wine.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, yeah. Dude, I bet that tastes so good. Yeah.

[E]

Delicious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I love it. I'll tell you what. Can I tell you the truth?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Can I talk to you for a second?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, talk to me.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know you like fancy meals. And we go to these sometimes very fancy places and there's multiple courses and I know I'm supposed to enjoy it. I. Sometimes I. Most of the time I'd rather just be eating a burnt hot dog.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I hear you.

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

[Tom Segura]

I. I like that too, though. I mean, I do. I think my favorite thing to eat in this world is a Smash Burger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

It's good. Yeah. Like that NADC burger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Yeah. Good.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, that's my favorite burger.

[Bert Kreischer]

Do you know my favorite is. And I've even ordered it from la Frozen in a Box. Cupid's Hot Dogs.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Cupids in the Valley.

[Tom Segura]

I think I told you this the other day.

[Bert Kreischer]

I love it.

[Tom Segura]

I think I discovered.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hold on, wait. Can I tell you what I like?

[Tom Segura]

Huh?

[Bert Kreischer]

The chili Dog. You know, you. Cupids. Remember Cupids? The chili with mustard and onion. Do you. Do you do it that way, too? Yeah, it's. I grew up eating those after school. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

I think I've discovered that I just can't have a hot dog anymore.

[Bert Kreischer]

No, not at your age.

[Tom Segura]

Five times now, over, let's say five months, where a random hot dog finds its way into your life. And I'm like, yeah, I'll have a hot dog. I get minimum 24 hours of indigestion from a hot dog.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, it's because you look like a hot dog right now.

[Tom Segura]

Kind of pink, you know. Oh, I got that.

[Bert Kreischer]

You know why there's so much sodium? It's too much sodium. If they can make a. Do they make low sodium dogs?

[Tom Segura]

I'm sure they do. Guess what?

[Bert Kreischer]

I'm not gonna try it.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not gonna do it. It. It's just. I've had. It's proven now.

[Bert Kreischer]

You're just going to give up like that.

[Tom Segura]

Done with hot dogs. So I'm at the Laker game last week, and I got great seats, amazing seats, sitting courtside. It's a great game. And I see Spade and Rock, Chris Rock, Davis, Spade sitting, like, over here. So I go say hi to them. And then at halftime, we sit together in this lounge. It's me, Jimmy Miller, Chris Rock, Davis, Fate. And then we're hanging out, and then Sebastian comes over and he. He's like, oh, hey, what's up? And he turns to me and he goes, hey, Sebastian. And I go, hey. I'm like, what? And it's like, you know, it's kind of loud. There's. There's noise and music or whatever. And then he sits, like, you know, I don't know, six, seven feet away over there. And he's talking to the spade. And we're all just kind of like, you know, you have to kind of project to, you know, say something. Oh, this is good. Blah, blah, blah. And so I say something to him and he's like, what's that? And I try to say it again. He's like, I can't hear you. So he comes over and. And, like, I'm talking to him, and I just see him. He's just, like, looking at me. And then he goes, oh, my God. He goes, I didn't know it was you. What the. And I go, yeah, well, I think I'm talking to you, like, five minutes.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he's like, bro, I saw you on the Instagram with the shaved face. And I go, I guess this is his face now. But then I had, you know, five days growth of this. He had no idea who I was.

[Bert Kreischer]

No. You look like a totally different bro.

[Tom Segura]

I'm telling you, it is a good time to be gay.

[Bert Kreischer]

This is the time if you want to go suck dicks randomly do it now.

[Tom Segura]

No one will be. They'll be like, no. I'd be like, that wasn't me.

[Bert Kreischer]

Got that pretty little mouth.

[Tom Segura]

That wasn't fun.

[Bert Kreischer]

People can see your pretty mouth now.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, Now I have something fun to show you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, all right. The grease, the juices.

[Tom Segura]

Is this guy down my throat? Horrible. Oh, they're hilarious.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ah, this is why I don't do this. That's horrible. That's my worst nightmare.

[Tom Segura]

So crazy to think. To smell the cork.

[Bert Kreischer]

The.

[Tom Segura]

Dude, that's insane. Hopefully that's the last time she does that. You didn't like that one?

[Bert Kreischer]

No, that's literally my nightmare. L. I like this one.

[Tom Segura]

You like that?

[Bert Kreischer]

Stupid. Why are you messing with the. The crocodile?

[Tom Segura]

Did he lose a digit?

[Bert Kreischer]

Nah, he didn't get up enough.

[Tom Segura]

Attempting to desensitize the gator so he could complete the stunt usually done by tapping the gator lightly on the head until he becomes used to feeling inserted. He is perfectly okay. Yeah, I thought he may have lost a digit.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think he screamed enough.

[Tom Segura]

I want to say, well, I could have lost a digit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, you're right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He could. That could have happened quick. Yeah, yeah, that happened.

[Tom Segura]

What he got lucky with was the release, because usually they just hold on. Yeah, yeah. It was a croc. Don't put your croc in your hand. In a croc's mouth. Oh, yeah. This is pretty cool. All right, you get out of here. I'll hold the door open for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Let me see that hand. He's going to go, oh.

[Tom Segura]

He'S mad. The. Is that a chicken? The face is covered. I feel like that's a chick movement.

[Bert Kreischer]

Every.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, it really wasn't her fault, though.

[Bert Kreischer]

No.

[Tom Segura]

She's pulling out like she didn't know.

[Bert Kreischer]

But.

[Tom Segura]

But I think that was a fun one.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't think so. No one's laughing.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

The recovery was great.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, it was a good recovery. Happens.

[Tom Segura]

Those are big heels.

[Bert Kreischer]

You just don't want to twist your ankle.

[Tom Segura]

That's. I know, but there's not public falling. Everybody has the thing to, like, look like they're okay. Right. Unless it's devastating pain. You got to go, like. You got to spin out of it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, I've fallen off a stage before in Dallas.

[Tom Segura]

You fell off?

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, Getting off. It was some club. And one, two. I lost my footing and I ate. The audience was like. And then I just.

[Tom Segura]

Ha. Didn't that happen to Ralphie May? Oh, yeah, it happened to Ralphie May once. And he claimed later that it was a bit like he was doing it for the laugh. And there was another guy, this other comic, Bill something, and he. When he was, like, 600 pounds, he fell, and the audience thought it was a bit, and they were, like, laughing because he was so big.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And it was not a bit.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's not good. You don't want to do that. That size. It can be real.

[Bert Kreischer]

God.

[Tom Segura]

Yep. These are always good. You good, pal?

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, no, no. He's gonna drive.

[Tom Segura]

That was.

[Bert Kreischer]

I don't know. I mean, I feel like. Oh, Josh likes it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

How come they don't prepare for that?

[Tom Segura]

They should.

[Bert Kreischer]

I feel like that should be part of the job that they prepare for that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. We don't know the aftermath, but we do know that the tree had become overgrown, and the homeowner did not want to pay professionals to do that because he thought it was too expensive.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, then that's hilarious.

[Tom Segura]

It's kind of funny being cheap. It's pretty good.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, so. Oh, these were part of the package I wanted to put together for you because I know that you love this.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

And I also wanted to say congratulations on finishing radiation.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks, pal.

[Tom Segura]

So I had these flagged for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Flagged?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Please look at the screen.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Let's look at the Denver.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't that nice?

[Bert Kreischer]

I think he's just watching television, which is cool.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he is, but he's just, you know, he. He recorded this and then he uploaded it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, that's the best part. He didn't think twice about uploading it. Oh, little lip. Cool.

[Tom Segura]

Isn't that nice?

[Bert Kreischer]

It's very nice. He's just breathing.

[Tom Segura]

Shirtless, laying back, just breathing. There you go.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Oh, here we go. He's got his shirt off this time.

[Tom Segura]

Also. TV in the background.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to say Russian or.

[Tom Segura]

It's like some Slavic going on.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's got a big potato nose, so he's been drinking.

[Tom Segura]

And that's a real Old world kind of.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

On the wall there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep, yep, yep.

[Tom Segura]

Whatever the that is.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep. Oh. Oh.

[Tom Segura]

Thought I would bring it home with that for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thank you. Oh, he's at the Laundromat.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's a good place to do. Like that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Because I just. Some Girl could be like, I know where that guy is. Yeah, go there right now. That's what he's hoping for, right?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Pretty cool.

[Bert Kreischer]

That was so nice. Thank you.

[Tom Segura]

There you go. Congratulations. You're all done.

[Bert Kreischer]

They can make out with these dudes.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

That's so rad. Yes, I heard you. It's finally. It's fine. Look at that. Side by side. Guys, get your prints right now. Right. Christina P.com YMA Studios what the fuck.

[Tom Segura]

Are you guys laughing?

[Bert Kreischer]

Dude, it's perfect. It's spot on.

[Tom Segura]

That's way better than I thought.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Christ, you guys have been looking at this mug for 20 years.

[Tom Segura]

Whatever, guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

You think I don't know that face? Oops.

[Tom Segura]

I got your vagina. You want it back?

[Bert Kreischer]

Too bad. It's mine. Ew. Wait, wait. How did that make you feel? What did you think?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, it was cool. I like it. It's a good way to. Well, you know, it's a good. It's. It's a. You know, you realize that all things like this are just a version of just throwing the dice, rolling the dice, always.

[Bert Kreischer]

Well, I will say I admire the attempt at humor. Somebody is like, all right, he's cute and he's someone's.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, someone's. Someone's gonna enjoy it for sure.

[Bert Kreischer]

But it's a.

[F]

Today we're going to be making piss popsicles. Otherwise known as pissicles. So what you're going to want to do is pour this in here. Put. Put that in there. Yeah, put it in there until it fills up. Pouring some on my floor right now, but who cares? Pour it in there.

[Tom Segura]

That. This is so dark.

[Bert Kreischer]

All right.

[F]

Then after that, you're going to want to bottle this up and then put it in the freezer for a couple of hours. All right?

[Tom Segura]

Oh, is ready?

[F]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

There you go.

[Tom Segura]

The place looks nice.

[Bert Kreischer]

His nails are so long, too.

[Tom Segura]

The fridge door there.

[Bert Kreischer]

Oh, all of it. So this is a new guy. I mean, we used to have piss spots, and now this guy's teaching.

[Tom Segura]

This guy's stuff has come up on my feed, too. It's really. Oof. Is that the way to show it that you guys.

[Bert Kreischer]

72 pounds down. Carnivore diet. Dot. He goes down dot dot. Carnivore diet he's on. He's just letting you know.

[Tom Segura]

But why. Why show it this way?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's showing you his chest, baby. Looks good. You don't think he looks good?

[Tom Segura]

I think he looks good. Carnivore Diet. The stare, too. The stare is really jarring. It's meant to penetrate whoever.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's fucking you. He's. I fucking you. He's also in his car or his truck.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Or a bus. Is that a bus?

[Bert Kreischer]

He's just feeling it.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know, dude, that's. Yeah. Thank you for that. That was. I usually pull these for you.

[Bert Kreischer]

The Indian version. Oh, careful. Oh, he's toying with us.

[Tom Segura]

A little smirk there.

[Bert Kreischer]

He almost wants to give you an oopsie.

[Tom Segura]

Oopsie.

[Bert Kreischer]

There's my ding dong.

[Tom Segura]

I didn't know the camera went down that far. My bad.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's super.

[F]

Guys, today I'm going to be teaching you how to make a piss hot pocket, otherwise known as a piss pocket. So, basically, what you're going to want to do is open up, like, the top part of the hot pocket and just kind of scoop out all of the.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, the stuff in there. You can fill it with piss. Is that where we're gonna go? Oh, Christina.

[Bert Kreischer]

Right? Get all the cheese.

[Tom Segura]

I got all the meat.

[Bert Kreischer]

You act like I made it.

[Tom Segura]

The next thing that is gonna absolutely.

[F]

Make, it's hold it open and fill it with.

[Bert Kreischer]

But that's a lighter color.

[F]

Pour it in here slowly.

[Bert Kreischer]

Pour it in there slowly. There's a flaw in the system.

[F]

It was that easy. There you go. Now you got a delicious juicy piss pocket. Make sure you show your friends and family this.

[Tom Segura]

This guy is. You know what's funny is that this guy's severely mentally ill. No, like, he's a hoarder and a total. But he has a. He actually has a very funny sense of humor. Yeah, but a lot of times the sense of humor goes with this level of mental illness, you know, because it's all like. Yeah, but he's like, make sure you share this with friends and family. He knows what he's saying.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah, he's. He's. He's winking at us.

[Tom Segura]

Today is gonna be the day when we gotta get back to you somehow.

[Bert Kreischer]

She know how I know what you're doing. You recognize it? I don't believe.

[Tom Segura]

I don't believe in anybody. Yeah, it's Oasis.

[Bert Kreischer]

It's good, right?

[Tom Segura]

It's really good.

[Bert Kreischer]

I hope she opens for them. I heard she's gonna open for them.

[Tom Segura]

It's cool that I had to go through prosthetics to get this whole look down, but it's neat. She's just.

[Bert Kreischer]

I want to hear every other Oasis song, too, from her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Are you gonna go see them?

[Bert Kreischer]

Of course I am. If they come to America.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't they announce us Dates or. No.

[Bert Kreischer]

Did they announce it? I don't know. I've kind of been in a bubble. I would love to see them. No. Brighton, Cardiff. They. They said they're going to announce usa.

[Tom Segura]

All right, hold on.

[Bert Kreischer]

Manchester. The Rose Bowl. Sold out. C. Yeah, sorry, guys, I've been under.

[Tom Segura]

Wait, where's Rose Bowl? I don't see it.

[Bert Kreischer]

In the middle of September.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah.

[Bert Kreischer]

Hell. All right, Jeans, you're listening to this.

[Tom Segura]

Look at that. Look at how quickly that.

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, is that the only America? They're doing la, Chicago, East, Rutherford, East. That's so random. Why? East preferred New Jersey and then LA stadium is in Chicago. Go. Because they can get the East Coast. They're getting east and west.

[Tom Segura]

They're doing New York, la. That's it.

[Bert Kreischer]

I failed.

[Tom Segura]

They're doing Chicago.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yeah. Toronto. This sold out.

[Tom Segura]

Insane Agent Jeans, give me tickets. Okay, here we go. Incredible.

[Bert Kreischer]

This pubic hair ring turned out to be one of my favorites. I had an amazing client, a ring Core Blank that she wanted used along with tufts of pubic hair. I did have to cut the hairs a little bit shorter so that way I could get everything super precise. Because the important thing was that the gold borders remained visible and not have any hairs over them. So it was quite a lengthy process doing them each individually. Did you know?

[Tom Segura]

Can I just move on?

[Bert Kreischer]

Wait, you don't think you'd do this for me?

[Tom Segura]

No.

[Bert Kreischer]

You don't love me enough.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a bad pussycat. You're a sad pussycat but I'm awake, you're asleep. Let's go play. Pussy cat. I'm going to rap. Cat, sit on your lap? Cat, sing this song all day long can't go wrong, pussy cat.

[Bert Kreischer]

Ow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. Whenever I see videos like this, I always think of the person who's like, that's Jeff.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I see him at Chipotle all the time.

[Bert Kreischer]

Yep. That's somebody's. That's somebody.

[Tom Segura]

That's somebody's, like, Ford sales rep.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Like, I bought a truck from that guy.

[Bert Kreischer]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

He's, like, just putting it out, doing his. Okay. God, don't put it out there. Congrats on the new job, Michael. He's great.

[Bert Kreischer]

He's all right.

[Tom Segura]

He's just so precise. He doesn't waste any words.

[Bert Kreischer]

Nope.

[Tom Segura]

Economy awards, really something you have to learn. Well, I think I'm pretty good for today. That left me feeling way different than when we started, which is really exciting. Thanks again for all the encouragement. That I received for having shaved my face. I will do it again. I'll try to do it again pretty soon because I know how much people enjoyed it.

[Bert Kreischer]

Don't forget my lipsticks. The perfect four now in my store. Christina p. Check it out, Try it.

[Tom Segura]

Out, check it out, try it out.

[Bert Kreischer]

Here's my colors.

[Tom Segura]

Got it?

[Bert Kreischer]

And don't forget to buy your original Christina P. Drawing of Tom without appearing unfucking believable.

[Tom Segura]

All right. Love you guys. Thanks for watching on the way out.

[Bert Kreischer]

I mean.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I'm tired.

[Bert Kreischer]

Okay. Love you guys.

[Tom Segura]

Love you, too.

[Bert Kreischer]

Bye.

[Tom Segura]

Stay. Stay up. Stay. Stay. Blessed by.

[Christina P.]

It was one of those loads Christine that don't stop Christine, don't stop it was one of those loads Christine that don't stop, don't stop Christine it was one of those loads Christine that don't stop Christine, don't stop it was one of those loads Christine that don't stop, don't stop Christine and it was endless it was endless When I took my dick out she went thanks.

[Bert Kreischer]

For stopping by thanks for stopping by.

[Christina P.]

It was one of those loads Christine that don't stop Christine that don't stop it was one of those loads Christine that don't stop, don't stop Christine Was one of those loads Christine that don't stop Christine don't stop Was one of those loads Christine that don't stop.

[Tom Segura]

And.

[Christina P.]

It was endless it was endless and when I took my dick out she.

[Bert Kreischer]

Went thanks for stopping by thanks for stopping by it was one of those.

[Christina P.]

Lows Christine that don't stop Christine that don't stop it was one of those lows Christine that don't stop, don't stop Christine it was one of those lows Christine that don't stop Christine don't stop those loads Christine that don't stop, don't stop Christine and it was endless it was endless When I took my dick out he went, thanks for stopping by.

[Bert Kreischer]

Thanks for stopping by it was one.

[Christina P.]

Of those lows Pristine that don't stop Christine don't stop it was endless.