Tom's New Obsession w/ Brian Simpson | Your Mom's House Ep. 777

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Tom's New Obsession w/ Brian Simpson | Your Mom's House Ep. 777"

Release Date: September 18, 2024
Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura
Guest: Brian Simpson

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Introduction

In Episode 777 of "Your Mom's House", hosts Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura welcome comedian Brian Simpson as their guest. The episode delves into Tom's newfound obsession with Brian, exploring comedic insights, personal anecdotes, and humorous interactions.

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Welcoming Brian Simpson

[01:04] Tom: "Welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Joining me as always is my lovely co-host, Chris Steam. All right, thank you for. You look lovely. I can't wait to hear your input."

Tom introduces Brian Simpson, praising his Netflix special "Brian Simpson Live from the Mothership" and promoting his upcoming tour dates. The hosts express their admiration for Brian's comedic style and energy.

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Brian Simpson's Personal Journey

The conversation shifts to Brian's personal experiences, including his battle with COVID-19.

[03:23] Brian: "I'm just starting over. I cut everything off."

[03:29] Tom: "Was it bad?"

Brian shares how COVID-19 impacted him physically, leading him to make significant lifestyle changes, including regrowing his beard. The discussion highlights the challenges of dealing with lingering symptoms and the decision to embrace a new look as part of his recovery.

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Navigating Military Grooming Standards

A humorous segment unfolds as Tom and Brian discuss military grooming regulations, particularly pertaining to facial hair.

[02:25] Brian: "But they just less likely to because they don't have like the thick."

[03:04] Tom: "What if they have a clean cut beard or something."

The hosts mockingly debate the aesthetics of military-approved facial hair, poking fun at the varying standards across different branches and the perception of special forces personnel.

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The Phenomenon of "Fancy Chef"

A significant portion of the episode centers around Tom's obsession with an Instagram personality known as "Fancy Chef."

[16:02] Tom: "I'm a manga tree from rada. One man go. Two man go. Well, technically, people never lied."

[24:19] Brian: "40 years. 40 years."

[26:32] Tom: "He's a comic. It's... performance art."

Tom and Brian dissect Fancy Chef's online presence, dissecting his repetitive postings of store-bought food presented as gourmet creations. They humorously criticize his lack of authentic cooking skills and speculate whether his antics are genuine or a form of performance art.

Notable Quote:

[28:37] Tom: "He's buying cologne today. Okay, that's cool."

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Audience Interaction and Advice Segment

The hosts engage with their audience by answering listener-submitted questions about personal relationships and intimacy.

[50:53] Christina: "I currently have a friend with benefits situation with a guy..."

[52:07] Brian: "You just have to accept that there's one part of this thing that you're not into."

They offer blunt and comedic advice, emphasizing the importance of communication and acceptance in maintaining casual relationships.

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Light-Hearted Banter and Closing Remarks

As the episode progresses, Christina and Tom continue their trademark humorous banter, sharing funny clips and discussing various internet memes and viral videos. The conversation remains lively and entertaining, showcasing their chemistry and comedic timing.

[76:26] Christina: "Brian Simpson, comedy dot com. Always good to see you, my friend."

The episode concludes with Tom promoting Brian Simpson's upcoming shows and expressing his enthusiasm for future collaborations.

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Conclusion

Episode 777 of "Your Mom's House" offers a blend of comedic discussions, personal stories, and satirical critiques of internet personalities. Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura, alongside guest Brian Simpson, deliver an engaging and laughter-filled episode that captures their unique comedic perspectives.

Key Takeaways:

• Brian Simpson's Resilience: Overcoming COVID-19 and reinventing his personal style.
• Satire of Online Personalities: A humorous critique of Fancy Chef's online antics.
• Relationship Advice: Candid and comedic guidance on navigating casual relationships.
• Engaging Banter: The hosts' dynamic interaction keeps the conversation lively and entertaining.

For those who haven't listened yet, this episode provides a hearty dose of humor, insightful commentary, and the signature wit that "Your Mom's House" is known for.

Transcript

[A]

A new show has just been announced in Chicago for 2025. I'm bringing my come together tour to the United center in Chicago, illinois on Saturday, March 1, 2025. Get your tickets now with the presale code Tommy before the general on sale this Friday. Plus limited tickets for Cleveland on September 26th, Buffalo on September 27th, and Toronto on September 28th. Tickets and all upcoming tour dates at tomsagura.com tour well, welcome, welcome to your mom's house.

[B]

This episode is brought to you by United Airlines. When you want to make the most of your vacation, book with United. They're an airline that cares about your.

[A]

Travels as much as you do.

[B]

United is transforming the flying experience with Bluetooth connectivity, screens, power at every seat, and bigger overhead bins to help fit everyone's bag. And with their app, you can skip.

[A]

The bag check line, get live updates and more. Change the way you fly. Book your next trip [e-mail] and welcome to another episode of your mom's house. Joining me as always is my lovely co host, Chris Steam. All right, thank you for. You look lovely. I can't wait to hear your input. This episode, you've really been killing it the last few episodes. Joining me as a guest today is one of my absolute favorites. If you have not seen his special, you should check it out on Netflix. It's called Brian Simpson live from the mothership. You can get tickets to see him on tour at Brian Simpson comedy.com It's Brian Simpson, everybody.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you.

[A]

Yeah. Baby face Brian, the advice champ. The advice champ with a fresh shaved face.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[A]

It's wild.

[B]

It's a big mistake.

[A]

I mean, now I can see the Marine. Now I see it. Before I didn't see it, now I see it.

[B]

Well, this is, this will actually not be acceptable.

[A]

This is not acceptable because there's stubble.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay, so it's clean every day. Do they accept any. Can you do anything you can get a, you know, a clearance to do?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Like if you have like a skin condition or something. Yeah.

[B]

Or a lot of black people have to get the razor bumps.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So they got to get it. So a lot of the white dudes be pissed about it.

[A]

Yeah. But so white dudes can't do anything.

[B]

Yeah. They get razor bumps.

[A]

That's it.

[B]

But they just less likely to.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Because they don't have like the thick.

[A]

And then they can have, they can keep a clean cut beard or something.

[B]

No, no, no. You can just get away with like buzzing it instead of shaving it all.

[A]

The way to the skin. Okay. There's no such thing as, like, a mustache. Which. Do certain branches allow it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah. And certain. And I've seen, like, Special Forces people.

[A]

They always have.

[B]

They allowed to do whatever they fucking want to do.

[A]

Because they're Special Forces.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because, like, you're actually hurting people.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or whatever. I don't know what. I don't know what it is. They always.

[A]

That's a great trade off, because you are going to kill a lot of people. Go ahead and grow a mustache.

[B]

Right, Right. I'm sure there's some reason that. Some other reason why they get to have a beard.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Because most of them have it.

[A]

Yeah. Most of them kind of look like dirt bags.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You know, when you meet them, you're like, what? Like, they're always kind of, I don't know, semi disheveled.

[B]

Yeah. I don't know what that is. I mean, this is about just living in the bush. Just like, living. Like one of them could just live in a tree.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Waiting on a shot.

[A]

But you're doing this because you're regrowing, right.

[B]

I'm just starting over.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just starting over. I had Covid. And that shit, this new Covid. That shit lasts forever.

[A]

Was it bad?

[B]

It wasn't bad, but, like. Cause I started testing negative after, like, five days or whatever. But it took me two more weeks before I felt, you know, like, all the soreness and all the Flemish.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I just was like, I'm gonna start all over. I cut everything off.

[A]

Okay, well, how many times you had covered now?

[B]

Like, four.

[A]

Isn't that crazy? It just keeps.

[B]

Oh, it's never gonna go away. No, no, no.

[A]

It's like the flu now. Yearly flu. Right.

[B]

Yeah. It's gonna keep coming back, but it's.

[A]

Like, it's not devastating anymore.

[B]

No, not anymore. Well, this one actually. This one turned into pneumonia for a lot of people.

[A]

Oh, really?

[B]

Oh, maybe because it was just a lot. Like, it took my body, like I said, a couple weeks to get all this out, all the damage.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. But, you know, I'm an overweight smoker, so that. That probably made it worse.

[A]

Sure.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But I mean, you're better. You're back.

[B]

I'm back. I'm back, baby.

[A]

And did you shave? Shaved, like, as soon as you got over it. Is that when you did it?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Nice.

[B]

Yeah. Just get it away. But that was a mistake, and I'm.

[A]

Basically, by the way, I'm joining you. I need these, like, all the time now.

[B]

Glasses?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, where you didn't.

[A]

I didn't need any glasses for 40 years. Then like around 40, 41, I started to be like, looking at screens. I'm like, what's going on? Doing this face. And then I just put them on, you know, just to, like, look at a screen.

[B]

I'm moving into my, into my switch era, you know. You see, the old people are like, wait a minute.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And they got, they got a second pair just for. Okay. You know.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm gonna start having a carry two pair.

[A]

Oh, I do that sometimes. Unless you wear your trans glasses, which they. Oh, like the bifocals or the one that they get, they turn to sunglasses.

[B]

Oh, these do that?

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

They turn blue or whatever.

[A]

Yeah, that's tight, man.

[B]

This don't last.

[A]

Well, they look cool.

[B]

It does look cool. Yeah, you're right.

[A]

See? They're cool.

[B]

It looks cool. Yeah, it does.

[A]

It does look cool. All right, I, I have so much to show you. So many things to ask you. We have people want your advice. There's all kinds of things.

[B]

Let's do it.

[A]

Here's the opening clip. Oh, you should throw those on for the clips. Here we go. And all right.

[B]

Now I feel. What do you feel? I feel so bad. See, this is what I, I, I classify this as a, as whiteies. You know what I mean?

[A]

All these are white?

[B]

Yeah. Like, this is cuz.

[A]

Is, it's a white ang.

[B]

It's is like this is like to get the demons out.

[A]

It's female anger camp.

[B]

Yeah. Oh, they like, aoli is just mayonnaise with seasonings. This is, I know some girls that need to go to that, though.

[A]

Yeah, they have, they have one for guys. It's going to, it's, it's just the opening song. It'll end. It's only six minutes long.

[B]

I thought somebody made a mistake.

[A]

No, no, no. So this is a female. They have one for guys. It's really gay and they say it's not. But this is just for women.

[B]

Hold on. Men do this too?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, my God, it's fucking. So this is like those camps where like, the pussy ass dudes pay, like, real men to like, teach them to be a man or whatever.

[A]

Exactly. Oh, and they're like, show me your inner warrior, you know?

[B]

And the guy's like.

[A]

And he's like, he starts crying. They're like, yeah, you did it. You're a man now.

[B]

Yeah. You can be a man in three days.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Yeah, those, those are super embarrassing to Watch. Yeah, yeah, but this is. I guess this one is just for chicks and. Yeah. I feel afraid.

[B]

Why are they taping this? This is embarrassing.

[A]

It's so embarrassing. They're hoping that. I think taping this will get other women to sign up for it. That's what I think. They're hoping for this because this need.

[B]

To be more of a sizzle reel. Like. Like it needs to be quick cuts.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So you're not embarrassing.

[A]

I know. Because the longer it lasts, you start to like. Jesus Christ.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. It's. What's the word? Cringe.

[A]

Cringe. Yeah. It's like watching somebody bomb. You're just like, please wrap this up. Yeah, yeah. It's horrible.

[B]

Oh, man. We should send Christina here and tape it.

[A]

She would not participate now.

[B]

She'd be miserable. Huh?

[A]

There's no way. Wouldn't you?

[B]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep talking about you like, you're not.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, no, she would. She would not like that. She would love to go and laugh at them. And then they'd be like, you can leave now. Yeah. The same way we would if we went to the men's camp.

[B]

I mean, I feel sad.

[A]

Do you have the men's one? What's that? That one is where he's like, push me, push me. Yeah, let me pull it up. It's so, so embarrassing. It's. Yeah, they're. I mean, I don't know, I guess obviously if someone's doing it, they feel like it's doing something for them.

[B]

Do we have some testimonials? Like, it doesn't work.

[A]

They'll swear it does. Yeah, they. They talk about how they changed.

[B]

They're less angry.

[A]

Found themselves and. Yeah, yeah, for sure.

[B]

Like, I mean, look, I guess it's.

[A]

Empowering in some way.

[B]

Throw some mushrooms in there and. And now we can talk. But I'm skeptical until if it's not. No hallucinogens involved. I'm skeptical.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like, because how can you change this from screaming in the woods? You know, Unless you like escaped a serial killer or something.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, that. That'll change a motherfucker. But just going out there and banging sticks on the ground with other white women.

[A]

They do like the. I'll tell you one of the camps. That sounds cool. And I think it's. It's really hard. It's kind of like some special forces guys put it on where they go, we're going to take you out into the woods and put you through like a dial down special Forces type of experience. So they're making you, pushing you to your limits.

[B]

See, there's no way I would do that.

[A]

Well, I mean, it would be real. It's. It breaks you. It breaks people.

[B]

Right. Because, like, those type of people love, like, they enjoy hurting people.

[A]

Yeah, they do.

[B]

So it's like, I would not put myself in the care of special Forces.

[A]

And the only people that thrive in those are people who, like, they eat it up. They're like psychos.

[B]

Yeah. Or they know there's the type of people that like to get, like, have a dominatrix. Like, they like to be beaten and. Yeah. Like, you know, I'm sure it works, but I. But I would be. I would. I would be hesitant to trust a special forces person with, like, treating me. I know.

[A]

And you're out in, like, the wilderness.

[B]

Cold, and you completely dependent on them.

[A]

Yeah. And they're like, you sleep outside today, Brian. You know, you sleep out of this tent.

[B]

No, I'm comfortable being, like, 80% manly.

[A]

Yeah. I'm new. And you like blankets and shit. Yeah.

[B]

You know what? If they did this shit in Compton, like, if they went to, like, a black, like, the hood and did this, I would be more convinced.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Was like, do it while you actually scared.

[A]

While you're scared.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Go do it under the bridge with, like, at, like, a homeless encampment.

[A]

Well, here's a perfect transition. Here's somebody who says that, See, this person is a singer influencer who moved from Russia to Hollywood. And this is what she posted. My face when I see a black singer. That's it. But it just feels very condescending.

[B]

Wait a minute. What does she mean?

[A]

She just feels inspired and happy when seeing a black singer.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

I think part of this has to definitely do with the fact that she's from Russia. And so you go, like. She probably goes. You know, to see black performers was like, a foreign thing. So now she's like, they're here.

[B]

Well, no, the weirdest thing about this clip, to me, is that it ain't no black people singing.

[A]

I think that the lady right behind her that, like, kind of waves when she turns. That lady was singing that waves.

[B]

See, I think she just saw a black person and assumed that she sings.

[A]

To be fair, in middle school, I thought every black person.

[B]

She thinks that lady's Aretha Franklin.

[A]

Yeah. That's like, at a restaurant, right?

[B]

Yeah, that's just the maitre d. But.

[A]

Look how happy she is. She's just like, oh, my God, he's magical black.

[B]

She only Read about black people in fantasy novels or something.

[A]

Exactly. She knows Michael Jackson and Whitney Houston. She's like, there's one right here.

[B]

They're real. Like the hobbits.

[A]

Yeah, it's pretty. Yeah.

[B]

This is.

[A]

Okay, now here's a. More. Let's see. Do you have her caption?

[B]

That should be in the folder, too. I mean, it's absolutely insane.

[A]

Her caption? Yeah, the caption of that video. Oh, let me see. It's. What was her folder called?

[B]

Face When I see Black singer.

[A]

Oh, the caption. Sorry, the caption. Oh. I've always been inspired by black women.

[B]

Okay, so now it's just black women.

[A]

Okay. Ten years ago, I began to study what jazz is and how it came to us. I fell in love with this music, the style. I've read books about gospel, blue soul. I became a real fan. I watched movies about Ella Fitzgerald, Etta James and other black women and listened to old Billie Holiday recordings. I've always felt a special energy in black women. It was as if black people, despite all the difficulties, enjoyed life more and thanked for it. And it inspired me a lot. The race that was not accepted. They sing more cheerful songs. They believe in God. You know, Russian songs are almost always about suffering and consist only of minor chords. I didn't like our Russian vibe and I admired the Americans, their fresh, cheerful motives, even for the most difficult situation. Let's remember Hit the road, Jack. I want to dance to this song. In addition to the cheerful melodies of lyrics and love of life, I was fascinated by the energy of African women. It's like they have super much energy and they're ready to charge the stadium. I always learned that from them. The audacity, courage, energy. And now even adore Lizzo beating her super powerful energy. It's like they have so much power, energy and freedom. But to hear music from an African American singer for the first time. God, it's like I got into a book from my childhood and this is real life. I can't tell you how happy I was to wander into this restaurant today. That's a lot. That's a heavy caption.

[B]

I don't know if she heard the. The.

[A]

The recent Lizzo news, which is.

[B]

I mean, she's like canceled or whatever.

[A]

Oh, she's done.

[B]

Yeah. The Internet turned on Lizzo.

[A]

Why did they turn on her?

[B]

Because I guess she was. She was being mean to her dancers or something. Like she was being mean.

[A]

I did hear that.

[B]

Fat dancers. Yeah, she kind of just fell off.

[A]

Like, people are like, you're not Nice, I guess.

[B]

But I don't know. I. Because I ain't never seen her be mean to nobody. I've just heard about her being mean.

[A]

There's like, stor. I mean, that was kind of the thing that everybody. That was sort of the cancellation, so to speak, of Ellen. Right. Everybody was like, she's mean. Yeah. They were like, oh, you know, you turn on the TV and she's like, I dance in the styles. And then they're like, she's a.

[B]

But you gotta show me proof.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Nobody got a secret recording.

[A]

I know. It's just, like, disgruntled and.

[B]

Yeah, because, like, remember when they. When they said your boy. Remember when they had Christian Bale?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Like, yelling at that one guy?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

That didn't affect him.

[A]

No.

[B]

I need to see Ellen. I don't want to see it. I want to hear it at least. Yeah, yeah, but. Okay, so she likes black. She does. She want black penis. That's what she really wants.

[A]

I think.

[B]

So she can't never go back to Russia after this. This.

[A]

No.

[B]

She's like, our music sucks. Black people are way better.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

We only got minor chords. All our cuisine is gray.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah. She's very happy to. To just stumble. Stumble into black people.

[B]

Yeah. At least eat at the restaurant.

[A]

She just walked in.

[B]

There's black people in there. Do we know what city this is?

[A]

I don't know what city.

[B]

That was probably in New Orleans.

[A]

Here's the opposite of what you expect from a white lady that was in la.

[B]

W. So I bought a fruit tree. Mango tree, to be exact, from rada.

[A]

And two years, this tree, this mango tree just stand up in a yard.

[B]

And I take good, good Pierce and N beer.

[A]

So this year, 2024 may have some pan it. Look at. So. So this.

[B]

I'm a manga tree from rada. One man go. Two man go. Well, technically, people never lied.

[A]

Tree small, but it beer.

[B]

But you did beer with only two mangoes.

[A]

Now, interestingly enough, woman still grateful.

[B]

I have the weirdest erection right now.

[A]

I know, it's kind of hot.

[B]

One Mongol, two Mongols.

[A]

So she's Russian and she is married to a Jamaican. She lives in Jamaica, has kids in Jamaica and has just all her English was learned in Jamaica. So this is like an authentic.

[B]

So she wasn't raised in Jamaica.

[A]

I think she was, but I think she learned English there. So. Yeah, it's hot.

[B]

It is hot. Why? Why is that hot?

[A]

It's fucking hot.

[B]

One mango, two mango.

[A]

Me, me plant my tree. Me dick get hard.

[B]

Jamaican accent Is slept on. God damn. It's so strange. That's not the same lady, is it?

[A]

No. Fuck, no. No, no.

[B]

Yeah. Wow. This is.

[A]

That's loaded though, right?

[B]

It was uncomfortable for like 2 seconds and it was like. Cause I thought she was protect. I thought she was, like, doing the. Yeah, but no, this was great.

[A]

That was great. That was pretty awesome.

[B]

That's how you show your. So somebody needs to send this to that first white lady and be like, this is how you appreciate the culture, bitch. Go to Jamaica and fuck one of them niggas. Plant a mango tree.

[A]

Yeah, that's exactly it.

[B]

Don't take.

[A]

Appreciate culture.

[B]

Yeah. Don't. Don't wander into a restaurant with a black woman in the back. I love these mystical creatures, you know?

[A]

That's exactly what she did.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

She was like, oh, my God, look, there's one right here.

[B]

Right here.

[A]

Look at her. She's right.

[B]

She's right there. Like, she, like, she found a dragon.

[A]

Yeah. That is hilarious. Like, of seeing a baby tiger at the zoo. You're like, they're out today. That's hilarious. Does blue chew work? I mean, reach between your freaking legs and you tell me if you're asking that question. We want want you to know that BlueChew is putting their money where their mouth is by giving you a month free. BlueChew is an online service that delivers the same active ingredients as Viagra, Cialis, and Levitra, but at a fraction of the cost and in chewable form. The process is simple. You sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers, and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. The best part, it's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations, and no waiting in line at the pharmacy. These things are amazing. I love my bluechew tablets. They make me hard all day. And I'm doing this ad right now with a full erection. And I want you to experience the full mass that you have. You have the potential to be as hard as anything on this, as a diamond cutter. You just got to sign up with BlueChew. BlueChew wants mental rock hard. They told me that's the mission. We've got a special deal for our listeners. Try BlueChew free when you use our promo code YMH at checkout. Just pay $5 shipping. That's BlueChew.com promo code YMH to receive your first month free. Visit BlueChew.com for more details and important safety information, and we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast. No summer is complete without a killer barbecue. Elevate your next cookout or get cooked whenever you want with Via. Vaya is the only lifestyle hemp brand. They use compounds found in hemp along with active plant extracts to create products, each with a specific effect in mind. Whether you want to get better sleep, ease anxiety, enhance your mood, or just get high, they have something for you. Via gives you the freedom to blaze your own trail and get fully legal hemp and cannabis products discreetly shipped to your door in all 50 states. Their products range from 0 milligrams to 100 milligrams of THC. So these guys have you covered. Whether you're looking to microdose or enjoy more potent effects. Our very own Niana is a huge, huge fan, and most mornings when she gets here, she's all hemped out. If you're 21 and older, check out the link to Via in our description and use the code ymh to receive 15% off after you purchase. They ask where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Unleash the green and live the American dream with vaya. This person I'm going to show you. Let me see here. Is. This guy is black. This has nothing to do with being black. This is just my favorite find on Instagram.

[B]

Chef Rain.

[A]

Yeah. Also known as a.k.a. fancy Chef.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

So he's posting constantly, all of his skills as a chef and is asking people. He's like, you need to book me. You gotta book.

[B]

Is he just, like, sprinkling crushed hot Cheetos on stuff?

[A]

It's amazing. This ain't better than the Chinese.

[B]

It's just like it. Because I do it all. Chinese, French, Asian, Greek, Scandinavian, Portuguese, American. Seafood, steaks, chops. You name it, I do it. Bake, fry, everything. You name it.

[A]

That's probably his best video.

[B]

That food doesn't look great.

[A]

Nope. And guess what? It's not going to get better.

[B]

Oh, wow. Okay, I'm gonna. The chef is gonna do a beautiful dessert.

[A]

Beautiful.

[B]

Today I'm. I'm featuring my lemon drop cakes. Lemon drop. My lemon drop cakes. That's a pineapple, sir. My lemon drop cakes.

[A]

That's a champagne flute.

[B]

All right.

[A]

And he's putting lemon drop cakes.

[B]

It's going to go in. Wait a minute. Right? And I have the cardi B. That is a piece of cake. Whips, cream. All right. It's nice. It's beautiful. I have it. Beautiful. Nice. I have it okay. This is a terrible. So bad.

[A]

Okay, it's all right.

[B]

I've had desserts served in glasses. Yeah, he's not going to put champagne in there, right?

[A]

No, watch.

[B]

Watch it.

[A]

Pay attention.

[B]

It's time for the chef trying to take over. Look, look, look.

[A]

Nice. Beautiful.

[B]

This dude's, like, a little slow, so.

[A]

Go to his page, because these aren't actually doing any justice to Fancy chef. Okay, so scroll down, scroll down, scroll down. Okay, so, like, you see the middle one down? Like, hit that one.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay. That's a rack of lamb.

[B]

Look how beautiful.

[A]

Look how nice.

[B]

Oh, my God. I want you to book me now. You've never seen this before. There's a reason we haven't seen that before, sir. I got strawberry.

[A]

I got honey.

[B]

I got honey ranch. I got beautiful stuff in there.

[A]

He's got ranch in there.

[B]

Strawberries, ranch and lamb. When I tell you that's beautiful. Delicious.

[A]

And he'll also, like, chastise. He'll be like, no, poor people. It's just $2,000 a dish.

[B]

And nice by the show.

[A]

All right, close it out.

[B]

I have to know.

[A]

And then he does a lot of things like that. He'll talk.

[B]

Give us the Howard Dean screen. Okay, let me help some of you people out. 40 years plus, I got in the kitchen. 40. No one gave me this jacket. I earned everything.

[A]

That jacket is insane.

[B]

Also, the stars just have ranks. Like, He's a general. Four years old. I've been in the kitchen 40 years plus hours, decades, months. 16 hours, 14 hours. He's slow, right? He put months after decades. 12 hours in the kitchen. I worked every station. Hours, months, decades. Millennia. It's minutes.

[A]

And it says, like, international chef, master chef, pastry chef, all kinds of. On it.

[B]

Four that folded. 40 years. All right, 40 years. 40 years.

[A]

The best is. All right, close that out.

[B]

40 years. And I'm proud.

[A]

Fancy chef is posting. Sometimes he'll upload the same video three or four times.

[B]

So he's a private chef. You don't have a restaurant nowhere?

[A]

Oh, no, no, no. He'll also. If you scroll down, like, he does a lot of posts of just like, there's a lot of champagne flutes. There's a lot of strawberries. He loves strawberries. Like, I don't know if that's strawberries on the.

[B]

Yeah, he. Yeah, okay, I see what's going on here.

[A]

Oh, sorry. Don't. That's got music. Don't start to that one. He'll.

[B]

Cause, see, because you gotta know, like, you have to realize, like, in the. In the 70s?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like black people didn't get diagnosed with autism.

[A]

Interesting.

[B]

So this is the result of, like him just overcoming.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And like making it to the. He was in the kitchen. He probably wasn't cooking, you know, I mean, he was like moving stuff or sniffing stuff. Yeah, but he's been in the kitchen for 40 years. And now, like. Cause he's the food. The food don't look gourmet.

[A]

No.

[B]

Right. But it don't look like if I.

[A]

And he has also has a series of demands. Like, you know, I mean, has you.

[B]

Have you? Have you.

[A]

No, no, I haven't. But he like, I also watched where he's like, book me. You need to book me. Oh, this one.

[B]

Okay. Where are you located?

[A]

He's like, book me. I'm located in Atlanta, Georgia.

[B]

Okay, I'm all booked up. All right.

[A]

That's my favorite one.

[B]

Dope. Okay, bro, take back everything I said. This is. This is performance art.

[A]

That's. That's for about 12 people this evening.

[B]

Okay. Where are you located?

[A]

I'm located in Atlanta, Georgia.

[B]

Okay, I'm all booked up.

[A]

So here's the thing. It is either the greatest fucking performance art troll of all time. Like, of all time.

[B]

He's a comic. It's.

[A]

It's fantastic. If it were that. I don't know that it is, but I'd like to believe it is because it is amazing.

[B]

Yeah. He's like, where? First of all, where are you? Oh, no, I'm booked.

[A]

I'm booked up. And that's after a multiple. This is also like, that's store bought cake. Okay, that's. He just got a cake from the grocery store. Was like, check this shit out, man. Berries on it.

[B]

Just. Oh, man. So now hold on, I got. I'm gonna follow this thing.

[A]

Oh, he's the best.

[B]

This is great.

[A]

This is him, like at the mall in his chef attire.

[B]

This is fantastic. His name's Fancy Chef.

[A]

Fancy Chef. Underscore, King crab. Look at him. He's at the mall right now in his outfit.

[B]

Crab cakes, French food, Spanish food. It doesn't matter. I'm gonna get it done. He wears the chef thing everywhere.

[A]

Yeah, he's just out in public in that.

[B]

Give me a call. Don't hesitate and don't wait.

[A]

I go on deep dives with this guy, sometimes for hours. You can ask Zolo. I sent him about 40 videos.

[B]

Tonight it's fancy chef 2013.

[A]

Yeah, fancy. Underscore, chef. Underscore 2013.

[B]

But what's the 2013 for?

[A]

I have no idea. Also the food that he posts, like, that's something Coconut oil. What is that? What is the one right next to it?

[B]

Oh, no, it's fabulous. Women.

[A]

Oh, look at that.

[B]

That's a masterpiece created by me, the master chef.

[A]

I don't know what that is. The gourmet fancy is that time on top of it.

[B]

And an ice cream cone. What a masterpiece about me. That's a masterpiece. I would actually try that probably like if you. If you. Is that barbecue sauce?

[A]

I don't know.

[B]

On a cheesecake. All right.

[A]

He loves glasses. He loves strawberries.

[B]

I wonder how many Michelin stars he has.

[A]

I think he says that he's like a ten star Michelin. Yeah, I'm serious. By the way, those are the same videos over and over and over.

[B]

Here's the most.

[A]

He's buying cologne today. Okay, that's cool.

[B]

And. And he posted that 14 times.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Wow.

[A]

See, that's the same video.

[B]

See, I can't. I feel like this is. This dude is. He's either with me.

[A]

That's a store bought cake also, by the way. That is a store bought cake. He was like, look at this beautiful cake straight from fucking Ralph's.

[B]

Tom, how you know he didn't make that?

[A]

I know he didn't make that, dude. He did. He's never shown. He only thing he'll ever show you is dropping pineapple into a cup. He's never shown you actually. This is him, by the way, walking through businesses. He's just walking through a restaurant.

[B]

So no permission?

[A]

No. People don't realize who it is yet. He's. They're like, oh, that's a chef, I guess. Yeah, I cook, but I'm not a.

[B]

Chef by any way, shape or form.

[A]

No, I've cooked. I've done the food service stuff. I know my way around the kitchen.

[B]

Oh, yeah?

[A]

Yeah. He's just going through like, I'm the chef here. He doesn't work there, dude.

[B]

Now I'm full on addicted.

[A]

Right. And here's the other side of maybe is this performance art or maybe it's a deep level autism. Is that he has like seven phone numbers and sometimes he's like, book me 50327. He gives you like five phone numbers.

[B]

What is that?

[A]

What is he cooking right there? What is that?

[B]

Yeah, I guess you're right. We've. We.

[A]

What the.

[B]

Is that this old man? This man went to the ice cream truck. If it ain't fancy and fabulous, then it ain't me. Listen to me. Look at that. Look. That's look at that dessert.

[A]

Listen to me real good.

[B]

How could you go wrong? Look at, look. Look at the elements. Look at it. Look at the kikapoons I put in it. You got watermelon, right? Okay, watermelon. You got my muffin cake, right? You got peanut butter. Then you got my diggers ice cream. Hold up, hold up, hold up. You telling me that's not specific. That's a bomb in your mouth. That's an explosion waiting to happen. That's a bomb. An exclusive bomb by me to show and see.

[A]

Here's the other thing. He's saying this shit with extreme confidence, right?

[B]

So, but like you said, I haven't actually seen him make anything.

[A]

I mean, he's shown a few things that you're like, oh, boy.

[B]

No, but it's like, you know, like, because the chefs, a lot of the chefs I follow. Yeah, they'll like show you from scratch. And they do the quick cuts. They're chopping shit, mixing shit.

[A]

Add this, add that.

[B]

I haven't seen him actually make nothing.

[A]

There's one where he made burgers that.

[B]

I was just a plate of strawberries.

[A]

Yeah, dude, I telling you, he's the king of strawberries.

[B]

And again, another. Another thing from the ice cream truck. Well, okay, so this.

[A]

He see that? The greatest performance of all time.

[B]

Or he's like, he. He's one of those functional people, 100%. He's just. Just enough where he can live on his own.

[A]

Now here's an interesting thing because we. We skipped over it. His daughter made an appearance in one of these, and she got. He got kids and she's like 10 or something. She's like, my dad made this. I'm gonna try it. And she's like, this is really good. Like a sweet, nice girl. Yeah. Cheat days aside, what I put in my body matters to me, and I want to fuel it with the best stuff out there. Our next sponsor, Orgain, makes it so easy to do just that. Orgain is the leader in real protein powered nutrition that understands that being good for you doesn't have to taste bad. Orgain's founder, Dr. Andrew Abraham, believes that real nutrition has the power to make a difference in people's lives. Abraham left his medical practice and founded Orgain to create foods and beverages that offer better nutrition for people everywhere. This stuff really is delicious. This is 30 grams of protein in a shake that doesn't taste all cakey and powdery. It's actually a delicious tasting beverage, and you're getting a great boost in protein. Orgain's brand new 30 gram protein shakes offer protein packed real nutrition designed to satisfy your cravings without all the sug. Their new protein shakes are an excellent source of complete protein with all nine essential amino acids. Orgain 30 gram protein shakes are available at Costco and Orgain.com if you want to get in on the delicious protein packed nutrition Today, head to orgain.com ymh and use code YMH for 20% off your order. Once again, that's o r g a I n.com ymh for 20% off and make sure you use our promo code ymh so they know I sent you. I love a great deal as much as the next guy, but I'm not going to crawl through a bed of hot coals just to save a few bucks.

[B]

It has to be easy.

[A]

So when Mint Mobile said it was easy to get wireless for $15 a month with the purchase of a three month plan, I call them on it. Turns out it really is that easy to get wireless for 15 bucks a month.

[B]

We use Mint Mobile at the studio.

[A]

And I'm telling you it really was super easy to get set up with them. To get this new customer offer and your new three month premium wireless plan.

[B]

For just 15 bucks a month go.

[A]

To mint mobile.com mom that's mint mobile.com mom cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mint mobile.com mom $45 upfront payment required equivalent to $15 per month. New customers on first three month plan only speeds slower above 40 gigabytes on unlimited plan. Additional taxes, fees and restrictions apply. Cement Mobile for details. Yeah.

[B]

But it makes you. I want. No, I want to see the mother. I'm like what type of let this dude. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Yeah, I do. Oh, he also loves crab legs. I don't know if there's any right there, but he does crab legs sometimes. No. And there is a man. The time that he made burgers.

[B]

The reason the food, you know, the reason the food doesn't look half bad is because he buys shit from store.

[A]

Far left. Far left. That's a store bought cake. That's a store bought cake, dude.

[B]

No, Tom, I think all this is bought.

[A]

Yeah. And that's a different phone number. So he's just. Look at the first comment he bought that.

[B]

Is he.

[A]

Is he replying to people Sometimes, not often. There's his daughter. See, she's right by. He was just showing you. Yeah. See if you can scroll down.

[B]

I bet you if you. If you locked him. No See, he went. He went somewhere and bought all that stuff. I bet if you locked him in a. In a kitchen with raw ingredients.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And he had to, like, come face to face with the fact that he wasn't actually a chef.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It would break him.

[A]

Oh, his. Yeah, he would crumble. Absolutely. There's one where burgers are on a griddle. That is horrifying. I don't know. Look at that. That's just. That's more fruit.

[B]

Go back up. Click on that. Go up a little bit more. Click on. No, no, click on that. No, no, up right there at the top left with the chicken, the raw chicken. Let me see that.

[A]

He's actually making something I actually like to use. That's a crazy amount.

[B]

He's adding the flour to the chicken while it's in. I actually like to use fresh garlic.

[A]

Fresh garlic. I don't know. Is that garlic powder? That's gonna be intense.

[B]

Yeah, Go, go to the next video. Let's. Let's see the. Let's see the result. He's still adding.

[A]

Oh, man.

[B]

Pepper chicken, this one. Pay attention. All right, good. Lemon pepper. I want you to book me.

[A]

Book me now. See how it's always Book me. It's book me, book me now. Book me. Give me a call.

[B]

But, but what's bothering me is like, it's not sizzling or nothing.

[A]

No, I know.

[B]

I actually like to use fresh.

[A]

Is that in a slow cooker?

[B]

Pay attention. I think that's what we call him. He's not a chef.

[A]

He's a slow cooker. Keep scrolling down. I know he posts. He's one of those people that posts like 45 times a day.

[B]

But yeah, he's like, I got nothing to post. I post what I posted yesterday.

[A]

It's fruit. There's fruit. Fruit in a bowl, fruit in a cup, fruit on a cake, fruit in a champagne flute.

[B]

I think I want to make a compilation of him walking through other people's restaurants.

[A]

Oh, it's the best. Wait, wait, wait. Go back up. Are those the burger? No, man. His burger one is so crazy.

[B]

Okay, let's store bought smoked sausage.

[A]

More fruit in a glass. There's blueberries in a glass right there. There it is. Those are burgers and dollar burgers and better. Look at that.

[B]

You know what? I'm gonna add caviar to them. That raises.

[A]

That doesn't look the value of this.

[B]

He added caviar to the burgers.

[A]

Look at them. Those look like meatballs.

[B]

And it looks. It looks like he cooking them on. On a Marble slab. But that's just a dirty, dirty man. This is. This is fascinating.

[A]

It is fascinating. That's why I bet I've been obsessed with this man.

[B]

And this is. He's in Miami.

[A]

It said, look at this, look at.

[B]

This, look at this, look at this.

[A]

Oh, there. That's crap.

[B]

Hey, can we view that hidden comment, you amaz. Look at that.

[A]

You get that from the grocery store?

[B]

I got mean white wine, butter, garlic sauce here.

[A]

Can we try calling him real quick?

[B]

Oh, man. Say what?

[A]

Let's just see if he's available.

[B]

Yep.

[A]

Would I open Skype or. Yeah, Skype or FaceTime? Let's see. It says, sign in. Hold on.

[B]

Yeah, this was only two weeks ago, so that number should be good.

[A]

Sign in email here.

[B]

I could also grab the studio phone.

[A]

You just put it up to the. Oh, yeah, perfect. Yeah, yeah. Let's just see if he answers.

[B]

Just call him from your room. No, don't do that.

[A]

Because I just feel like he's gonna be.

[B]

I wonder how much it would cost to book him.

[A]

I know.

[B]

I don't.

[A]

How many people should I ask the book for? Just a dinner party.

[B]

Yeah. Like 10.

[A]

10 people.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Me, you, Christina, Joe. Yeah, his wife.

[A]

Austin. Hey, can you come to Austin? He also. Sometimes he's like, you pay airfare, you pay hotel. He just posted a video. He's like, you have to have the shit to cook with. Better get good pans.

[B]

Oh, you got to have the. Wow, dude. Yeah, you got to have the seasonings.

[A]

Yeah, right. All right, just try this one. Is that the number? Yeah. All right, here we go. Let's see if he answers. Book says book Fanny.

[B]

I think he means fancy.

[A]

Oh, Book Fancy. Okay. Got you. Right now he's like, you should buy this for me. Well, yeah.

[B]

His screen name is Fancy Chef. His name on the thing is Fabulous Chef. And then he keeps calling himself MasterChef. He's like, you get one superlative bro.

[A]

Yeah, exactly. Right? Yeah. He's not gonna answer. He's all booked up, man. God, we gotta get him here. Dude.

[B]

This man is literally, by the way.

[A]

If we do get a hold of him, and you can tell him that we will pay the fee, the airfare, the hotel, and we'll set it all. Yeah, yeah. Will you eat his food if he cooks for you? Fuck, no.

[B]

But. No. Absolutely no.

[A]

But I'll, like, you know, I'll promote it.

[B]

I mean, I would eat. I would have to try it.

[A]

I would try.

[B]

I would have to know what grocery store he got it from, because I Would eat grocery, you know?

[A]

Yeah. He might just go get, like, a rotisserie chicken from the store and be like, here's the chicken.

[B]

I think that's what he's doing here. He's buying food. Already made food, and he's making it look like he just cooked it.

[A]

What is he doing with that pot right there? Is that just showing you a pot?

[B]

Showing you an empty pot?

[A]

Like, hey, this is a beautiful pot.

[B]

Is that top notch?

[A]

Yeah, that's a nice one. That's very nice.

[B]

Okay, this dude was injured. He, like, this is some kind of settlement. He was injured. It made him a little. He was injured in some kind of.

[A]

And he took a fascination with, like, the chef world.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. Like, this is very, very. It's very heavy. It holds heat. All right. It holds heat.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is cast iron enamel. This is very.

[A]

Well, he knows comes.

[B]

You will get this. You will get this. You. This will be on sale. It'll be cheaper than it is now. You absolutely want this. This pan right here, ladies and gentlemen. Wait a minute. This. This is. This man is in a store.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

This is the most fascinating I've ever seen that the chef want you to have when you want to eat.

[A]

Fancy when you want to see.

[B]

And the chef likes stuff like this.

[A]

Chef wants you to have this for when I come, bro.

[B]

You know what this is? This is the chef equivalent of, like, you to look into when your mother make. Makes you let your cousin or your little brother play, but you don't plug the controller in. You just give them one.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Like, that's what his family has to be doing with him.

[A]

Anyway. This is the best find of the year. Fancy Chef is the best find.

[B]

Yeah. This is crazy.

[A]

And we have to book Fancy Chef even, by the way, you can even offer him if you get in touch with him that we want just to interview. And we'll pay him to interview him.

[B]

We'll get him in here.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Yeah, dude. I wonder if he takes crypto.

[A]

He would probably have the craziest list of demands.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It's gonna be real crazy.

[B]

Just walks in a room with his dick and a flute in a wine.

[A]

Flute and berries on it. Here's my dick in a flute. Oh, I put. Look at this. Beautiful, beautiful strawberries on my dick. Beautiful berries on my dick.

[B]

Man. That. That is the most bizarre thing I've seen in a long time.

[A]

It's incredible.

[B]

And I watched a whole midget badminton match yesterday.

[A]

Really?

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How was that?

[B]

The Olympics? It was incredible.

[A]

Oh, in the Paralympics.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Wow.

[B]

Yeah. They was getting down, bro.

[A]

You for. You don't realize some of. Some of these motherfuckers are real athletes.

[B]

Well, yeah, because they're just compact.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and I'm talking, like, dive in saves and all type of shit.

[A]

Is it one on one or two on two?

[B]

Well, half on half, half on half.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, no, it was one on one.

[A]

Yeah, it is.

[B]

Yeah, it was great.

[A]

Do you like college football, by the way?

[B]

I mean, not really. I don't follow it, but I like. I watch. I watch the competitive shit. I watched the Colorado thing. I gotta do that. That's like, my black duty.

[A]

It is a black duty, isn't it?

[B]

It kind of is, yeah. I support Dion. Coach Prime.

[A]

Coach Prime.

[B]

But other than that, I don't really follow it.

[A]

Is that so funny that, like, it's like a. It's like a cultural thing now to follow?

[B]

Oh, yeah. Like, this is. That's the only reason I tuned into the women's championship with the Angel Reese, Caitlin Clark thing. Like, what's my racial duty? Yeah, yeah, I got a tune in.

[A]

Yeah. All of America, when Prime got that job, was like, every black person, everybody.

[B]

Went to the racial lines. You know, some people don't, but most people do, and they don't want to admit it. Well, white people don't like to admit this stuff is racial.

[A]

Right.

[B]

But, yeah, it was.

[A]

It was kind of. Right?

[B]

Yeah. Have you. Have you ever seen a Colorado Buffaloes game before? Two years ago.

[A]

I mean, I have, but I love college football, but I haven't. Yeah.

[B]

Nor would I. Yeah. Right. So it's like. And I'm watching. I watch them now.

[A]

I'm a big fan of his, though. I mean, everybody loves Dion. I mean, I got to. I got to do a podcast with him.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, a couple years ago when he was coaching at Jackson State.

[B]

Oh, yeah.

[A]

Yeah. It was awesome.

[B]

If Dion says it's gonna be dope, he's never lying.

[A]

No, no. So it's awesome.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I got to go to the Alabama game over the weekend.

[B]

Really?

[A]

Yeah, because we had a show in Tuscaloosa.

[B]

Did you walk out the tunnel with the team?

[A]

I didn't walk out the tunnel, but I got field pass. I got field access.

[B]

Oh, wow.

[A]

I got to stay on the sidelines.

[B]

You have to pay for that, or is it just, like, a celebrity thing?

[A]

No, I got hooked up with it. It was unbelievable, dude.

[B]

Like, college sports is a whole. Another level.

[A]

People who don't. I try to tell people, too, that are NFL diehards Like, I get it. NFL is. It's the best football players, for sure. There's no question about it. It's the best. You know, those are the best players. But the atmosphere of college ball is just.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

It's unparalleled. It's unmatched.

[B]

Because people have to understand, like, that's the same age that they, like, trick people into the military.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So it's like, it's easy to make you be enthused about nothing.

[A]

You know what I mean, though? Like, there was a hundred thousand plus people going fucking crazy in a beautiful. I mean, beautiful stadium.

[B]

And it's what you expect. I very briefly went to Oregon State.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember going through all the Beavers. Yeah, the Beavers. Yeah. And I remember they were literally playing a rival. They were playing Washington. And I. And I. And I finagled my way into the game. I'm sitting in front of the band.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. They score. The Beavers score a touchdown right in front of us. And the band gets lit and I'm. I'm right there lit with them. And everybody around me is just sitting there like nothing.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, fuck this school. Like. Yeah. Because. Because I guess that school isn't a big sports play. It's more like the nerds, where the nerds go. But it was like. No, it was none of what I expected. It was. It was only my only college experience, really. And it was just not. It wasn't that.

[A]

We should go to. Would you go to a UT game? Of course.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We should go to a UT game.

[B]

Yeah, I'll go to a UT game.

[A]

I would love to go Check. I haven't been to one.

[B]

And they're great. And they got Archie Manning.

[A]

Now, I wasn't. I was supposed to go a couple of years ago, and it was like. It's always tough because we work Saturdays usually. Right. But, like, we could find one.

[B]

And it's tough because here's the thing. If you don't support your local college teams, then you just end up mad every time because then they're just traffic to you.

[A]

Right.

[B]

You know, if you don't participate, then you participate.

[A]

Exciting. You're right. Yeah. And you want to. Actually, the best part of sports is if you can actually get yourself to get emotionally attached, because then you get the. You get the ups and the downs, and it's.

[B]

See, I. Emotionally detached. I was a Washington Redskins fan.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And I had the. Sean Taylor died. And that fucked me up for a little while. Then we got RG3 and it was like, oh, shit. Like his rookie season.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Maybe finally Hope. And then they ruined that. And then we found out that the owner was, like, you know, prostituting the cheerleaders and, like, selling us expired peanuts and all this other shit. It just. It fucked me up.

[A]

He was like. It's pretty well documented. He was, like, the least likable, biggest piece of shit type of owner.

[B]

Yeah. I think he was the most hated.

[A]

Owner that was a Dan Snyder in pro sports.

[B]

Dan Snyder.

[A]

And now he's not the owner, right?

[B]

No. They sold the team to. I forget the guy's name.

[A]

They.

[B]

So they said he was forced to sell the team.

[A]

Yeah. Everybody hated him.

[B]

Well, if he did. If he didn't sell, like, the lawsuit, they won. If he didn't sell the team, he was gonna have to open up the books.

[A]

It's also shitty that you can tell. There's owners who actually don't give a. About winning. They just. For them, it's just, like, another business transaction. So they're like, okay, there's TV rights. Money are tickets selling to the game merchandise. Like, they just. You look at it as, like, the. You know, the columns, like, plus and losses and. And, you know, I mean, and they just go like, oh, we're doing transactions. That's all I care. I care that this is a business that earns revenue, but they don't care about winning. That sucks.

[B]

They want. Their goal is to. Some of them. They want to fool the fans into thinking that this is the year so that you'll buy shit.

[A]

Yeah, of course.

[B]

And then they don't.

[A]

He's one of those guys, like, doesn't care about winning, which sucks.

[B]

No, not at all.

[A]

You got to have, like, owners that are.

[B]

He'll sign a big name to get you excited.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I mean, he signed Deion when the toe was gone.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Yeah. You know what I mean? Adam Archuleta. Albert Haynesworth.

[A]

Haynesworth lunatic.

[B]

Yeah. If you list, like, the top 20 worst free agency signings, the Washington has, like, three of them.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, that's true. Because he always. He signed people at the tail ends of their career, give them big money.

[B]

Yeah. Just big names.

[A]

Just big names to sell tickets. Yeah. Not. Not to. Actually.

[B]

He would sign Peyton Manning right now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just because some. A lot of the fan base is dumb enough to be like, oh, we got Peyton.

[A]

We're coming back. Yeah. What is this?

[B]

How do you eat your. Whoa. What? No. God, no. He didn't really do that. Guys, come on. I can't do fluids.

[A]

Yeah, that's a gross. What is this story, though? Who is this?

[B]

This was one of the ones you sent me.

[A]

So I think he's like trying to show that he likes eats his shit, but he like cuts to black because he can't really show it. All right. I don't know if he's actually really.

[B]

Doing it, but it's a cool video. There's no way he. There's no way he's doing. There's no way he's enjoying it.

[A]

It didn't look like he was enjoying it.

[B]

Why does he do it? Is this a fetish or is this a dare or what?

[A]

Usually the fetish people smile more. You know, they get really.

[B]

Usually the fetish people want other people's.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

What's going on here?

[A]

This dude is. Was this on the gram?

[B]

Yeah, so he gives some more info in this.

[A]

Okay, so this is me a while back when, in fact, I ate my own shit. And this is how it looks. I edited out the actual shit. This is the first video what I hope to be many more. Eating your own shit isn't something you just do for fun. It was necessary for me to do at the moment. Anyway, follow me for more content. As said, I'd love to tell you the backstory about this incident. I promise. It almost out of this world, but batshit crazy.

[B]

No. I'm reporting this account. This is. This is racism and anti Semitism and homophobia.

[A]

Arv. Vidella. I don't know what the Going on. This is how you do it.

[B]

And that's all he has to post. Yeah.

[A]

And yeah, he probably did. He's a sick man.

[B]

Yeah, bro. Like, because this is. This is so crazy. This is a wild thing to do for, like. This ain't gonna get you no. Or nothing.

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Like, no. No. Yeah, this is. Wow, 400 followers. That's too many.

[A]

Too many for him.

[B]

Yeah, I just reported him. He's gross. I don't want. I want him to be deported.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I don't like this at all. This, man is.

[A]

The shit eaters are the worst, dude.

[B]

Yeah, dog. Like, hey, you know I'm saying give me Fancy Chef all day.

[A]

All day.

[B]

Yeah, all day. I rather eat Fancy Chef's food than watch him eat anything.

[A]

I totally agree, actually. I totally agree. I would like a documentary on Fancy Chef.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

When we. When we do the heavy segment, the shit eating videos are the ones that I could not tolerate.

[B]

Yeah. I can't do it. I can't do the excrement, bro.

[A]

No.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Let's transition to this because we have. People have questions.

[B]

Just imagine.

[A]

All right, here you go. I have an important question I like to ask you guys regarding dirty talk in the bedroom.

[B]

Oh, Vice champ.

[A]

I currently have a friend with benefits situation with a guy whom I've known for a few months now. I enjoy doing the dirty thing with him. He goes down, plays with my milk jugs, respects my wishes, doesn't blow loads on my face. But one thing about the sex irks me. He talks dirty in the worst possible way. Not only is his voice dopey and annoying, he uses a porn esque tone and says the weirdest like, damn, you're so good at head. You must have done this a lot before, you little. I don't know how to address this. I don't want to hurt his feelings. I don't know if I can give up that good D. But it's awful to hear and makes me want to exchange him for a cool guy. Please help. Love you guys. Kaylee.

[B]

I mean, you can't have it all.

[A]

Kaylee, that's kind of.

[B]

Yeah, good dick is hard to find. You. You complaining about nothing. That dirty talk sounds decent.

[A]

Because here's what's going to happen. If she brings it up and you go, I don't mean to hurt your feelings. The performance is going to change. He's going to get in his head and you're not going to get the D you were getting.

[B]

Right. All you gotta do is just tell him what you want him to say, but don't tell him that you got a problem with what he's saying already.

[A]

You know what it's like? It's like when you're watching football and one of the guys has to like talk a lot of shit to play his game. And you're like, why does this guy boast so much? Like, why is he so cocky? You're like, that's how he plays, right? You gotta accept it.

[B]

See, this is the problem with some of these hoes is, see, what's your name? Kaylee. You're the type of that. That will have 90 of what you want and be miserable because it's not a hundred. You know what I mean? You the type of that. You invite 100 people to your birthday party, 80 of them show up and instead of having a good time with your. With your 80 friends, you're like, where are the other 20 people?

[A]

Yeah, exactly.

[B]

Everything. It ain't gonna be perfect.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying? If you. Because if the thing is, you say, if he. You good and it's enough where you get. Were you enjoying the sexual, then you have to deal with that little piece that you don't like.

[A]

Yeah, just, just, just do what you've been doing. Ignore it.

[B]

Because I guarantee you. Listen, the. The YMH forums is full of mad niggas that will talk dirty to you perfectly and fuck you badly.

[A]

Mm.

[B]

Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Jeans low and loose like a motherfucker. You know what I mean?

[A]

I think that's. You're spot on. You just. Kayla, you just have to accept that there's one part of this thing that you're not into. Right? But you're liking the other stuff. Just roll with it. That's the thing.

[B]

You could be dating this motherfucker. You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Shit eating guy. He's like perfectly saying what you want him to say.

[B]

Yeah, just enjoy the dick. It sounds like it's not gonna be long term anyway. Just get the dick and you'll have some good. You'll have a good story to tell later. You know, in 20 years, you're gonna be at a campfire with your other divorced friends. You're like, oh girl, this one time this dude, he fucked me good. But he used to say the weirdest. You have a good story to tell.

[A]

Story. Exactly. This isn't going to. This isn't your future husband.

[B]

Right.

[A]

It's just a guy you're for right now. Here's another one that came in. It says, I just got. Dear mommies, I just got engaged. I've never been happier. Although there is an issue I have. My fiance and I are not making as many premarital loves as we used to. We really are a match made in fed smokers fun van. We had an amazing sex life. Example. One night, after 18 months of dating, she had casually asked if I would lick her scrum. For the record, I ate that booty many times and we've both become huge fans. But now for the issue at hand. The thing is, my future bride has been way more hesitant to engage in having sex the last few months. I know it's because her mother had recently been giving her about her weight. My fiance used to be a cheerleader in college. And naturally, at 30, she is not in the same shape she used to be. Lately, instead of the early days of jumping into bed whenever we felt excited, she now has an entire buildup and pre preparation ritual to our marital love situations. How do I get her to be more spontaneous like she used to be? I want her to Feel sexy. I never have the lingering idea that her weight makes her less sexy in my eyes. She makes my jeans the highest and tightest. And I would love. I would just be another cool guy on TikTok if it wasn't for her. For her. I need your help. Much love, Campbell.

[B]

Give her compliments, nigga. It sound like, like if you want her to feel sexy, like, convince her, make her sexy. Yeah. Tell her she's sexy all the time. Every time you see her, every time you think it. That's a lot. That's all I can think of. And also, hey, look, push come to shove, you're gonna have to grab her mother by the throat. Hey, bitch.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You're gonna stop fucking with her self esteem.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean? Because it's fucking without sex life.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, if I was you, you just gonna have to deal with the fact that you're not gonna be cool with her mom. But I would just. On her mother, anytime her mother say some to her, I would. I would roast her mother to no end.

[A]

Put it. Point out how ugly her mom is to her.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How fat she is and gross she is.

[B]

Yeah. Her stupid ass mom. I would. I would. Seriously, I would hurt her. Unless her dad's scary. But.

[A]

But Brian's right. I mean, you do that. Just have to compliment the out of her.

[B]

Yeah. Compliment her, defend her.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I'm saying?

[A]

Tell her how beautiful she looks.

[B]

Yeah. And then. And then here's another thing too. I think you should like, make sure you like, touch them areas she insecure about. Like when you fucking grab that stomach. Hold on to that motherfucker.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

Like. Like don't be repulsed by any of it. Like her whole body. Yeah, yeah, why not?

[A]

That's the fucking best advice.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

He's the advice champ. For a reason. There you go, Campbell. You know what to do. Here is a video. There's a few here. You just tell me whether this is horrible or hilarious.

[B]

Oh, that's perfect.

[A]

That was perfect, right?

[B]

I love seeing somebody fall down the st. I don't know why.

[A]

Right. And we avoided brain damage. It was just a fun fall.

[B]

Well, his dumbass was trying to save his drink too.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It would have been cool if he had saved a drink, but oh boy, he was. That was real close.

[A]

And you know, this video continues, by the way.

[B]

Can you imagine if you got killed by a liquid death? He had a liquid death in his hand. If he had landed like this and.

[A]

Just snaps his own Neck.

[B]

Oh, man.

[A]

This is when you walk away fast, too. When you're so humiliated, you're like, all right. And you just keep walking.

[B]

Yeah. Like, it doesn't even hurt right then. It's gonna hurt later. Like 10 steps later.

[A]

The adrenaline is spiking right now.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Somebody's lighting something. Okay.

[B]

I don't even know what. Oh, my God.

[A]

Dude.

[B]

See, go back to the beginning of the video. See, when the video starts, it's on.

[A]

This other guy, right?

[B]

I'm thinking.

[A]

I think he's lighting something. That's what I thought. Like, he was lighting it.

[B]

That other gu guys lighting something like a firecracker.

[A]

But I think there's one in here. Maybe they have a few of them.

[B]

My God. What are you doing?

[A]

Holy. What he put in there a M80 fireworks.

[B]

I don't know what kind. That blew that thing and was wild as. Like, his feet wasn't even situated in a way where it was going, you know? Like he. I think he basically, like, ripped. He tore his Achilles.

[A]

That was bad.

[B]

They were like, too low.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Jesus Christ, man.

[A]

That was.

[B]

You deserved every bit of that.

[A]

That was. That was so much bigger than I thought it was going to.

[B]

You know what I love about some of these videos is like, my favorite YMH videos are the ones where I get to judge the person in such a way where I don't have to be concerned about them.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So then I get to be like, I get to enjoy it because I know they deserve it.

[A]

They deserve it. Exactly. They did this shit to amuse them. They're like, oh, this will be fun.

[B]

Like the guy getting crushed by the car. That's funny because I'm like, you shouldn't have been standing. Right.

[A]

You shouldn't be standing. Yeah. This guy put fireworks in the dryer on purpose and was like, I put my legs up against it. It'll be fun.

[B]

That's wild. N. Now you're going to be hanging your new legs outside the dry.

[A]

Oh, this is going to suck on a rock climbing wall.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Oh, and you heard the crunch. I think somebody added that crunch in. My God. Tomorrow.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

It feels like the universe wants you to bang this woman.

[A]

I know.

[B]

She. Her arm is bent the same way.

[A]

Yours was the same.

[B]

Have y'all did a side by side with this video? We haven't, but that's a great idea.

[A]

A nice mashup and then do hearts over it.

[B]

Oh, shit.

[A]

Jesus.

[B]

Oh, damn.

[A]

And here's the crazy thing. That's not that fall that far of a Fall. You know what I mean? Like that's not.

[B]

I like how you got it frozen on that frame.

[A]

It's. But she fell like how far is that?

[B]

You think I'm gonna say that's probably 10ft.

[A]

Yeah. Okay. Well.

[B]

That shit, I can't even imagine. It sucks. Cause how do you. What I don't get is how do you. This is why it's important to teach your kids how to fall. Like when you fall on shit. Cause you shouldn't get hurt like this.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

No, cuz why. How did you. Why did you put your arm behind?

[A]

It's so fast. It's your instinct. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You gotta land on the shoulder, baby.

[A]

Yeah, that's.

[B]

God damn.

[A]

Oh man. Yeah. That sucked a lot, man.

[B]

Cuz, you know like your ain't like that. That's more than just a cast. That's going to be like a year and a half of recovery from therapy.

[A]

That's that you have nerve damage. Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

I bet you her. She. She not feeling sexy either, man.

[A]

She's gonna have to go see an orthopedic maybe like this guy.

[B]

And her mouth is open. Oh my God. Boggy, eat. Oh my God. What the.

[A]

Thanks, doc.

[B]

What the.

[A]

Just, you know, you go to the doctor and you're like, my leg hurts.

[B]

Did we get a. Can we get a translation for that? What does that say?

[A]

Here it is. The writing translates to. For those who have broken bones cases, this is the most effective treatment. They wrote that.

[B]

Oh my God, bro. I bet you him and the chef are in the same club.

[A]

You think so? He's like, we all make believe experts in this village. They're like, who do we go see if like we have a bone injury?

[B]

It's like like the league of ordinary gentlemen.

[A]

Gary, go see garbage.

[B]

I almost want to take those screams and remix them. The tone was as.

[A]

Yeah, but that is excruciating.

[B]

Yeah, bro, you. He did not fix that lid. Nah, there's no way.

[A]

The only thing is he's got. I got new pain. I don't know what the old pain doesn't feel like. I don't feel that anymore. I got some new pain.

[B]

You just made it a thou. You just shattered whatever was.

[A]

He just hammered that with like a literal mallet. Like a metal.

[B]

No anesthesia.

[A]

No.

[B]

And what is he doing right now? Is he sucking out the poison? What is.

[A]

No, dude, he's just checking in.

[B]

What country is this that cuz it.

[A]

I wish I knew.

[B]

That's. That's not India. No, that's Singapore. I don't know.

[A]

I don't know where that is.

[B]

Indonesia. Oh, Indonesia. Okay. Right, Definitely. But then we don't. They got. Don't they got universal health care over there?

[A]

Yeah, but why go to the mainstream medicine? You can go see this guy, right?

[B]

You know, I think it's like hammer time. You can't show up in my house. No. My God. Lady. One more time.

[A]

Yeah, here we go. You got it? I got you, bro. Right here. There you go.

[B]

She was harmonized until that last. Them last couple hits. What is he's listening for? Fr. What?

[A]

You put my ear up to it, bro.

[B]

You know what, man? It's. I guess I don't understand how these common thrive.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But I guess it's more fools than. I don't know, man. I don't know how you let a motherfucker do that to you.

[A]

Yeah, no, no, I would never.

[B]

And the whole family, they're participating.

[A]

Yeah. And they have no expression, by the way. You notice that when they're holding him down, they're like.

[B]

Yeah, he probably told like, oh, that's a demon. That's a demon in your knee.

[A]

Yeah, I'm gonna get this demon out of your lap.

[B]

I gotta exercise this bitch's calf. Like she went to a real doctor. He was like, you need to get more exercise.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, yeah, no, I'm gonna do it. I do exorcisms.

[A]

I got. I gotta take a quick leak. We gotta take a break real quick. And we are back. I had to pee. It was awesome. Here's another.

[B]

I helped.

[A]

You did help. It was. Thank you for that there for support. Here's a cool guy. This guy's pretty cool.

[B]

Oh, this one's gonna suck.

[A]

You can do anything you put your mind to. And I can think.

[B]

I can do this. No, no guy. No guy. Oh, man. Just so bad for you, bro.

[A]

Yeah. That guy works hard. You can tell, you know?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

In his hours.

[B]

Yeah, he definitely don't get good sleep. You know.

[A]

That was the whole. Basically the whole bottle.

[B]

Yeah, man. That. That's. That's. I like what's. That's going to do to his body? Do we got any follow ups with this thing?

[A]

I don't think we don't have any more information.

[B]

Yeah, but you just gave yourself alcohol poisoning.

[A]

Yeah, that was crown royal in under 10 seconds. An entire.

[B]

That was a fifth crown. Yeah, right, right. Yeah, yeah, man, you.

[A]

It makes my stomach turn.

[B]

I mean, but it also looks like where. It looks like where he is. Yeah, like women are impressed by that. Yeah.

[A]

Just by like the yard.

[B]

Like, I just love a man with oil on his shirt.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And fatty liver disease.

[A]

Yeah. And a couple broken down vehicles in the yard that he's tinkering with. Right, right. I do a lot of tinkering. These things will be up and running in no time.

[B]

He immediately started talking to the Right when he was done.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

He's like, bitches.

[A]

Yeah. This thing is. It's incredible. Hey, dude, I know that. That actually makes my stomach jump. I'm like, oh, yeah.

[B]

I'd be his friend.

[A]

Trans women getting pregnant is not as far off as you'd think. In the past 10 years, 50 babies have been born from a uterus transplant. How this works is a person with a damaged or missing uterus, uterus gets a new uterus, then they get pregnant, then they give birth to a child via C section. The implanted uterus is then removed so that the person doesn't need to be on anti rejection meds for the rest of their life. So far, these implants have only been attempted on CIS women. But there's nothing that says it couldn't work on a trans woman.

[B]

But you could just, you could just, you, you could just pay your bits to carry your baby.

[A]

Yeah, but I guess they want the full experience, you know, after all, my hormone levels are pretty similar to a cisgender woman, so why not? The main thing in the way is that the science is new, so there aren't enough services.

[B]

Is that the main thing in the way?

[A]

The testing. So it's less about if we can do it and more about when we can do it.

[B]

I think it's more about if you should do it.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, also, look, I'm not a doctor, but it feels like putting a uterus into a biological male's body is going to have all types of disruptions.

[B]

You know, I think because I don't. Look, do whatever you want to do with your body. Yeah, right. But what I don't understand is because mo. Cause the trans influencers, they always. It's like, if you gonna go through all the transition of like transitioning from a man to a woman. Right. Right. Straight downgrade. Why would you. Why do you. Why do you want all the worst parts of being a woman? I never see them show off like all the upsides.

[A]

Right?

[B]

Yeah, yeah.

[A]

Get pregnant and have it C section.

[B]

And having the C section. Like. No. None of the biological women want that.

[A]

No. No. Woman's like, I so excited about more C sections.

[B]

Right.

[A]

No, of course.

[B]

Oh, a new uterus.

[A]

Oh, man. I Know, it's like this person just wants to suffer.

[B]

Yeah. And listen. And this has nothing to do with this person being trans. I'm just irritated by this woman.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

She seems like an irritating person.

[A]

Well, let me show you something else about her, because this will make you not like her more. Looks like he's having a nice feast. She, Her. It's okay. It's all good. But it was not all good. Hi.

[B]

So why she.

[A]

Her pronouns? I'm not sir. Yeah. Like, it. It's like a knife in the heart. I also. I did specifically ask ahead of time not to be called sir. Yeah. I'm just gonna go.

[B]

Okay. Yeah.

[A]

The sweet water starts at. Okay, I'm so sorry.

[B]

I apologize.

[A]

You're just always like a knife. It always hurts every single time. I was wondering if there's a manager I could talk to about something that happened. Yeah, I was called sir.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

It just really sucks every time it happens. Happens. Sorry about that. I don't need to be called ma'am.

[B]

She's like, I'm just an annoying person. I'm so not expecting to be called sir that. I always have my camera set up.

[A]

Set up just in for entire meals just in case somebody mistakenly calls me sir.

[B]

Yeah. Cuz listen, here. Here's. Here's the God honest truth. Like, like I said, I. I so support the. You know, if you want to transition or whatever, but again, it's called a transition. So, you know, like, some of y'all ain't, like, it's a loading bar. Some of y'all ain't at 100%.

[A]

Right. Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? And so it's like, you can't get. If you halfway through the transition, you can't get upset when people go, yeah, you know, make a mistake, you know?

[A]

Right. Because you see some trans women and you're like, I had no idea. Because they.

[B]

Yeah, because you know what it is, man, is like, this shit makes people think that all trans people are this annoying.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And that's not. Like I have trans friends where it's like. And, you know, when it. When they was first transitioning, I was like. I would fuck up and say the wrong thing. And my friend was like, don't worry about it. It took me 30 years to know that's cool. So I don't expect you to get it right immediately. You know what I mean?

[A]

Sure.

[B]

And so it's like, to, like, do this is fucking stupid.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Well.

[A]

And it's. It's just bait. You're just baiting people Yeah, I mean, like, she knows that she wants to.

[B]

Be able to complain.

[A]

Exactly. And she also knows that, like, you're saying she's in the process of this and people. And she. She's obviously saying that because she knows that people are misgendering all the time. Because she has.

[B]

She's like, I only set up my camera when I got stubble, Right. When I got a five o'clock shot.

[A]

She has masculine features. Like, it's just the way it is. So, like, you know, I don't know, shave your chin off. Do. Do the work.

[B]

It's actually sir.

[A]

Yeah, get out.

[B]

It's actually not sir.

[A]

And finally, you know that we love RPC here, right?

[B]

Who?

[A]

Robert Paul. Champagne.

[B]

Oh, of course.

[A]

Yeah. And we have an update. I have.

[B]

RPC is goaded.

[A]

He's goaded for sure. Hey, welcome. Always in the woods. Hey, welcome to the woods, man. Yeah, man.

[B]

Real man.

[A]

Yeah, real man. Welcome to the woods, man. Come on, man. Let's do some things in the woods.

[B]

You're not in the woods, Robert. Hey, what do you got to.

[A]

You and Taboo.

[B]

Yeah. You gotta cut some heavy milking, man. You want a milk?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You wanna milk me, man? Yeah. That's what you wanna do? Yeah. You wanna milk me, man? Come on, man. Yeah. He wants to be milked?

[A]

I think so.

[B]

Robert, I gotta say, you know what? I take back what I said about that lady. He's more irritating than her. Just. I don't like this guy.

[A]

Oh, no. I want to tell you, Robert, I think this is a fantastic new lane for you. The green screen. First of all, he's never had this level green screen behind him. We're like, oh, you know, I mean.

[B]

Like, did y'all gift him this?

[A]

I don't know how he did this. How did he do this? Is this like a filter?

[B]

Most of the apps can, like, kind of do this now. They can put, like a fake background.

[A]

But, I mean, this is high level for, like, for him. Yeah, it's.

[B]

Yeah, because this is. Because I remember. Isn't he the one that was, like, looking for. Yes. A black living.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Roommate sex.

[A]

Leasing a key.

[B]

Right, okay. Right.

[A]

Free food, free rent.

[B]

He wants to be milked in the woods.

[A]

That's right, man. Bob. 8, 10, 10 today. That's right, guys. I'm down to jitty gritty, down to pity. That's right. No jive. I'm a hot machine.

[B]

Let's get down and get mean.

[A]

Also, he made that hat. Does it say fuck me on it?

[B]

This is like somebody. Like somebody made A shitty clone of the macho man. Randy Savage. Like, they didn't get the DNA right.

[A]

I mean, it's. You know, he's doing his best. I feel like. Let's see. Oh, there's. There is the macho man.

[B]

Oh, yeah. Milk my titties.

[A]

Yeah. I want black guys leasing a key.

[B]

Actually, it's.

[A]

Ma'am, this is Robert. I love your venturing out into new background settings. I think you should definitely keep exploring that. The hat is fantastic. I know you made it.

[B]

Yeah, we don't actually. We don't hate you.

[A]

No, no, not at all.

[B]

And I think men can lactate.

[A]

I think they can.

[B]

Yeah. They can actually have uterus transplants now.

[A]

I don't know if you heard. You know, that's a new thing.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm very excited for that. I hope that. I hope that a bunch of men that are transitioning do that.

[B]

Colostomy bag.

[A]

Can you understand this master of accents? This is a Brit talking to a Brit, I believe. Let's see. Yeah, this guy works on Jeremy Clarkson's farm. Let's see if you can make out what he's saying.

[B]

Oh, it's something not.

[A]

I'm not obviously within water on the pump.

[B]

Woolcock now in the water from up here. No, ain't took out right now.

[A]

Right. Mains water. I'll tell you what. I didn't know. Not could have been born.

[B]

I'm not in corner where stables.

[A]

You could tell that he's like, oh, what is he? I don't know. Is.

[B]

That never worked.

[A]

Anything you can blame.

[B]

Where your bond is not being bought. I'm not into that. He's not in that. What I'm trying to say is get no water.

[A]

No far in that one truck.

[B]

She's had the pump and everything.

[A]

Took out two of them glass. It was nearly every day after.

[B]

Okay. He said, she's got no water and only one pump.

[A]

That's incredible. Yeah. I picked up words, but not sentences.

[B]

Sound like the Tasmanian devil trying to talk.

[A]

It's so great that that's. I think that guy works for him.

[B]

Who is this man? This is the. Ain't that the dude from Top Gear from the car show? Okay.

[A]

Right. Yes, yes. And he was British and he's. I think this is clearly another Brit talking to. And you could tell he's like, I don't know what this motherfucker said. Yeah.

[B]

Cause, like, Britain has, like, their version of, like, the Deep south, right?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right. Yeah. These are the people that, you know, boil everything.

[A]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

You get boiled Bacon, boiled cabbage, boiled steak.

[A]

It's like when we talk to someone from the bayou and you're like, like what?

[B]

Right. But they. They have good food.

[A]

Well, they have good food but you can't understand something.

[B]

Yeah, this. No, this dude. The. These are the British people that put beans on eggs and.

[A]

Oh yeah.

[B]

Oh, some not.

[A]

I not obviously within water on the pump.

[B]

W. Now in the water from up here. No took out.

[A]

Right? No right.

[B]

Mains water.

[A]

I tell you what. I don't know. Not.

[B]

I'm not in corner where stables.

[A]

You could tell that he's just like I don't know what to.

[B]

Yeah. Something about the pump being by the stable.

[A]

Yeah, pump being by the stable and.

[B]

Never worked or anything.

[A]

Never worked on this not being BO.

[B]

I'm not into that.

[A]

I'm not into that.

[B]

If you. What I'm trying to say is get no water.

[A]

No far on that one truck.

[B]

She's had the pump and everything. Took out two of them.

[A]

Glass was nearly every day after.

[B]

So she had the pump and everything took out. Is what he said, man.

[A]

That. Yeah.

[B]

But he has a hard time. I hope he's not allergic to nothing.

[A]

No.

[B]

You know, he around and be in the hospital like do you have any allergies?

[A]

They're like, can you get someone else in here?

[B]

He's like, I can't no saline. That motherfucker go down. Like he got to go to the hospital right in that town.

[A]

Yeah. And then. And yeah, exactly. To the person that lives there. The treats there that grew up there. Oh man. All right. This. You're on the road. You want to pull up? Can you pull up? Brian Simpson comedy.com oh yeah.

[B]

I'm coming to Madison, Wisconsin. Philadelphia, October. I'm gonna be at the Wilbur Theater. There you go In Boston. And then I'm doing the next day in in New York City at the Bell House.

[A]

Oh, that's in Brooklyn.

[B]

Yes, in Brooklyn. Yeah. So come through. Get those tickets right now. There's still some tickets.

[A]

See him Philly, Boston, Brooklyn, Cleveland. Get tickets. Brian Simpson, comedy dot com. Always good to see you my friend.

[B]

Likewise.

[A]

Thank you for coming today. We'll see you guys next week. I'm whispering a little bit because my woman is sleeping.

[B]

These are three day worn panties. Panties.

[A]

Erection achieved. Direction achieved. Direction achieved. Direction. A 19 year old girl.

[B]

Dark hairy.

[A]

Teenage panties. And I also paid extra for her not to wipe her pussy after this. Cause I'm monopolizing her vagina. Right, Right. Shit mixed with piss.

[B]

Piss mixed with teenage pussy juice. More than phone call. Let's give it a whiff.

[A]

Direction achieved. Direction achieved. Direction achieved. Direction achieved. This is giving me a boner.

[B]

Boner.

[A]

Boner.

[B]

Oh, that is pungent. You can smell some with a. That was not wiped after.

[A]

Her panties.

[B]

Have a very similar smell. Pungent and nasty.

[A]

Nasty. This is happen, boys. This is happen, boys.

[B]

I paid extra for the three days of wearing. I never tipped women.

[A]

I never tipped women because I felt like I was the tip. Let's give it a whiff. Direction achieved. Direction achieved. Erection achieved. Direction fucking achieved. This is giving me a boner.