Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806

Summary

Podcast Summary: "Too Hot For The Gays | Your Mom's House Ep. 806"

Hosts: Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura Release Date: April 16, 2025

In Episode 806 of "Your Mom's House," titled "Too Hot For The Gays," hosts Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura delve into a variety of comedic topics ranging from personal anecdotes to satirical discussions on social dynamics. The episode is marked by their signature banter, humorous storytelling, and sharp wit, making it both entertaining and insightful for listeners.

---

Tour Announcements and Early Banter (00:00 - 02:00)

The episode kicks off with Tom Segura promoting his "Come Together Tour," announcing upcoming shows in Minnesota and Wisconsin. Christina immediately engages with Tom's updates, playfully mocking societal expectations and personal branding:

Christina P. [00:41]: "First you gotta have a career ambition. You gotta send her flowers on a Tuesday. Nowadays I be like, oh, hell no, bitch. Oh, I'm a bad mother because I make crazy ass videos."

This sets the tone for their lighthearted and irreverent conversation.

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Perceptions of Age and Appearance (02:00 - 04:11)

A significant portion of the episode revolves around how Tom's age is perceived by others. Christina teases Tom about looking older, leading to a humorous exchange about facial and body hair contributing to misconceptions about his true age.

Tom Segura [02:05]: "I am 46."

Christina P. [02:08]: "You look every day a bit okay. Older."

Tom shares a relatable anecdote about being mistaken for someone older since his teenage years due to his mature appearance:

Tom Segura [03:28]: "People have always assumed you were older than."

The conversation highlights societal tendencies to judge age based on physical traits, infused with their characteristic humor.

---

Introduction to "Brolapse" Podcast and Fisting Identity Crisis (09:00 - 12:14)

Christina and Tom introduce a segment discussing Tony Johns' new venture, the "Brolapse" podcast, which humorously explores life after an "asshole perforation." Tom personifies this persona, expressing an existential crisis stemming from losing a significant aspect of his identity.

Tom Segura [09:00]: "Fisting is such a gigantic part of my identity that I feel like a part of me is gone."

Christina P. [09:28]: "It's been giving me purpose, and so."

The segment satirizes personal identity crises with exaggerated humor, setting up a mock narrative around Tony Johns' fictional predicament.

---

Alternative Revenue Streams: OnlyFans vs. Cameo (08:03 - 12:14)

The discussion shifts to the challenges of content creation and monetization. Tom expresses skepticism about traditional platforms like OnlyFans, advocating instead for more personalized approaches such as Cameo. Christina supports this by highlighting Tony Johns' successful ventures in selling signed photos and engaging with fans directly.

Tom Segura [08:03]: "You know, I love her socks."

Christina P. [08:16]: "Pretend like I'm you. I'm you, and it's your birthday."

The hosts emphasize the importance of diverse income streams for creators, blending practical advice with their comedic style.

---

Tony Johns' Anecdotes: Getting Kicked Out and Hustling (15:26 - 28:29)

Tony Johns shares his humorous experiences of being repeatedly kicked out of local bars. In one story, Tony attempts to donate a signed photo to Curly's in Auburn, New York, only to be misunderstood and subsequently banned.

Tony Johns [25:20]: "So I got a whole bunch of donations."

Tom Segura [26:10]: "That's pretty wild."

Christina and Tom react with amusement and sympathy, turning Tony's misadventures into a source of comedy while also highlighting the absurdity of social interactions in nightlife settings.

---

Entertainment Segments: Inner Thoughts and TikTok Stories (52:10 - 65:38)

The episode features a segment called "Annie's Inner Thoughts," where humorous monologues reflect on relationship dynamics and personal frustrations. These snippets provide a comedic exploration of everyday annoyances and exaggerated scenarios.

Inner Thought [52:25]: "It is so crazy when you ever smashed a girl, right?... Why do that make you want to smash it?"

Christina and Tom comment on these thoughts, adding their perspectives and enhancing the humor through their interactions. Additionally, they discuss TikTok trends and bizarre viral content, relating it back to their own experiences and observations.

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Comedic Bits on Family and Personal Habits (66:00 - 73:51)

The duo delves into personal quirks and family dynamics, sharing exaggerated stories about habits like nail biting and pet care. Christina reveals her unique approach to stopping nail biting by storing clippings meticulously, while Tom humorously critiques such odd behaviors.

Tony Johns [63:47]: "Ever since I started doing this, I've never once had a nail biting session where they didn't go into the jar."

The conversation extends to playful jabs at each other's lifestyles, emphasizing the importance of individuality and the humorous side of everyday life.

---

Closing Remarks: Upcoming Segments and Final Banter (73:52 - 75:57)

As the episode nears its end, Christina and Tom wrap up with final humorous exchanges, touching on topics like gender identity in media and the absurdity of certain societal norms. They conclude with exaggerated praise for guest contributors and tease future content, maintaining the show's engaging and comedic essence.

Christina P. [75:21]: "That's Go, go, water champ."

Tom Segura [75:23]: "Let's go, water champ. Pound the water."

---

Notable Quotes

• Christina P. [02:08]: "You look every day a bit okay. Older."
• Tom Segura [09:00]: "Fisting is such a gigantic part of my identity that I feel like a part of me is gone."
• Tony Johns [25:20]: "So I got a whole bunch of donations."
• Tom Segura [26:10]: "That's pretty wild."
• Inner Thought [52:25]: "It is so crazy when you ever smashed a girl, right?... Why do that make you want to smash it?"

---

Insights and Themes

• Societal Perceptions: The hosts explore how age and appearance influence social interactions, highlighting biases and stereotypes with humor.

• Identity and Personal Struggles: Through satirical narratives, the episode touches on themes of personal identity crises and the comedic side of overcoming unusual challenges.

• Content Creation Challenges: The discussion on monetization platforms like OnlyFans versus personalized methods such as Cameo provides insight into the evolving landscape of digital content creation.

• Everyday Humor: By sharing relatable stories and exaggerated scenarios, Christina and Tom emphasize the humor in daily life and personal habits.

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Conclusion

Episode 806 of "Your Mom's House" expertly blends humor with relatable content, offering listeners an engaging and entertaining experience. Christina Pazsitzky and Tom Segura’s dynamic interplay, combined with guest anecdotes and satirical segments, make this episode a standout in their ongoing series. Whether discussing age perceptions, personal quirks, or the complexities of content creation, the hosts deliver their trademark comedic flair, ensuring that both new and longtime fans find something to enjoy.

Transcript

[Tom Segura]

What's everybody this weekend I'm going to be at the Xcel Energy center in St. Paul, Minnesota, Friday, April 18, and then Alliant Energy center in Madison, Wisconsin, Saturday, April 19 during my Come Together Tour. Get tickets now at tomsagura.com tour. Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house.

[Christina P.]

First you gotta have a career ambition. You gotta send her flowers on a Tuesday. Nowadays I be like, oh, hell no, bitch. Oh, I'm a bad mother because I make crazy ass videos.

[Tom Segura]

She don't care about nothing but her nut. So whatever. Come on, little side, let's go get.

[Christina P.]

You some self respect and dignity in a life. Don't accidentally stick your dick in the wrong hole.

[Tom Segura]

Stick your dick in the wrong hole.

[Christina P.]

Stick your dick in the wrong hole.

[Tom Segura]

Is out here sucking out.

[Tony Johns]

He is.

[Christina P.]

I can't stand when somebody comment under.

[Tom Segura]

One of my video.

[Christina P.]

Is she high? No, I am blessed Chinese.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to another episode to the your mom's house. That was Ghetto Asian girl remix by CJQ Productions. Classic.

[Christina P.]

It was a really good one.

[Tom Segura]

All time hit man.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. That one's been in my head for a decade.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Hey, first of all, happy smurf day.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Christina P.]

It's your Smurf day. How old are you today? Now?

[Tom Segura]

I am 46.

[Christina P.]

You look every day a bit okay. Older.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Christina P.]

I think you're really coming into your middle aged dadness. I think this is a good year for you. It's been spectacular last year. Crushed. For you. It's going to be even better.

[Tom Segura]

Thanks, Gene. Even, you know, it was great. I was after I did msg, I went out to a big dinner and you went to bed.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And go out to late dinners.

[Tom Segura]

At one point Jimmy, who I work with.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Came down to my end of the table and he was like, you know, congratulations, this is a big day. And I was like, yeah, thanks, man. He goes, hey, you know, it was, I was looking, I was kind of doing a little trivia. Guess what year the Beastie Boys first did msg? That was kind of my guess. I was like, no, 90. 91. He goes, 84.

[Christina P.]

What?

[Tom Segura]

1984.

[Christina P.]

It must have been like.

[Tom Segura]

But then he goes, he goes, it was 84. He goes, so you're 52? And I go, what? And he goes, you're like 52? And I go, I'm 45. He was like, oh, so, yeah, you only would have been like 4 or 5 years old. I was like, right, thank you. Yeah. No, I'm not seven years older than you thought.

[Christina P.]

But you've always. People have always assumed you were older than.

[Tom Segura]

Since I was 15 years old.

[Christina P.]

What is that attributed to? Facial hair?

[Tom Segura]

Body hair, Kind of all of it. I was basically this size at 15, 16. And then. Yeah, then. And I was shaving my face at 15.

[Christina P.]

That's when it started.

[Tom Segura]

Well, so this is the. The sideburns come in, then the peach fuzz comes in. But by 16, 17, I would have, you know, 5:00 shadow.

[Christina P.]

Oh my God.

[Tom Segura]

And yeah, so I. I had facial hair. And when I was 16, 17, I would walk into a bar and they like, go ahead and sit down. You're like, all right. Yeah, not always. You know, sometimes they would know. They're like, you're not 21. Yeah, but man, that was fun.

[Christina P.]

That is good.

[Tom Segura]

That's when it was cool. Now when people are like, what are you, 55? I'm like, no, not yet. Thanks.

[Christina P.]

That thankfully. Thankfully for women, they don't want to. They don't guess. Yeah, I don't want to know. You don't need to guess. I'll just tell you.

[Tom Segura]

There's also. There's a limit to how weird people get about that though. Like if somebody really weird, like if you want to know someone, like someone who goes like, I will not divulge my age. You're like, what do you. What are we doing here?

[Christina P.]

It's so weird. Especially if you're a person that's in the public arena. Like Wikipedia knows all and some people have that hidden.

[Tom Segura]

There are people where they go, oh, really? Sure. You can look people up. They go, no known birth date. Or you're like, that's insane.

[Christina P.]

Dumb.

[Tom Segura]

Insane.

[Christina P.]

You know what's crazy too are I knew this Hungarian mom growing up who wouldn't let her daughter call her mom. The daughter had to call her by her first name.

[Tom Segura]

Why?

[Christina P.]

Cuz she didn't want to be.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, mom, Mom.

[Christina P.]

She didn't want to be age.

[Tom Segura]

Mom is old.

[Christina P.]

Isn't that. That's up.

[Tom Segura]

My aunt who. Who's been on the show, Blanca, she had this thing, this. Whenever it was, you know, you'd always. When you're kids and it's one of the adults birthdays, there's always a little celebration cake. So I'd be like, how old are you? Cuz it's normal to be seven and ask, how old are you?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Would always go, I'm 21 in one burning. And I go, what?

[Christina P.]

What?

[Tom Segura]

And I always thought she was saying 21 in one. Bernie. Like the name Bernie. And I was like, this is the Dumbest thing I've ever heard. And the thing she was actually saying was 21 and 1 burning.

[Christina P.]

I still don't understand.

[Tom Segura]

I guess that's. I think it's an old expression. Right. Can you look that up?

[Christina P.]

21 and 1.

[Tom Segura]

21 and 1 burning. Like, meaning another candle's burning.

[Christina P.]

That's. That's stupid. That's doesn't even make sense.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, burning. Oh. Oh. It refers to the concept of burning a card in the casino. In the context of blackjack, a burning card involves discarding a card from the deck to prevent cheating. Can also help identify the cards left in the deck.

[Christina P.]

I still don't understand.

[Tom Segura]

How do you say that? Why do you say that for your age? Like the statement refers to an age requirements of burning man. That's when she didn't.

[Christina P.]

You know what it is? Can I tell you? Can. I know. I know exactly what happened to her.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. She heard it wrong.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. It's the same thing my mom would do. Like, foreigners mess up these sayings.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So she probably wanted to say, I'm only 21. And then she said 21 in the burning because she thought it was funny in her mind. It's not an age reference. You know what I'm saying?

[Tom Segura]

The actual explanations are nothing like she would use it.

[Christina P.]

No, of course. Foreigners. But that.

[Tom Segura]

The saying 21 and 1 burning in the context of age refers to a medical rule, the rule of nines. To estimate the percentage of total body surface burned.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

For skin burns.

[Christina P.]

But they don't. You know, they think it sounds.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, she thought it sounded clever. Right. And, like, cute.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And also, by the way, was one of these people who, as a child would not tell me her age.

[Christina P.]

That's so stupid.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm like, no, but how old are you for real? 21 in one. Bing. I go, how are you? I want to know how old you are. 21 in 1B. I'm like, I'm 7 years old. I don't even have context for aging. I don't care. And you don't just want to know how old you are.

[Christina P.]

You already think she's ancient because you're seven. So it doesn't matter when you're seven.

[Tom Segura]

And somebody goes, I'm 24. You're like, you're about to die.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. You have no scale.

[Tom Segura]

So old.

[Christina P.]

You have no scale for that. Yeah. It's so. Well, happy Smurf day.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you.

[Christina P.]

We're gonna celebrate you tonight. We're just gonna have dinner at the house. I think.

[Tom Segura]

Hopefully my mother, who's 21 and one burning will come over.

[Christina P.]

And I gotta tell you, sister, no, they're gonna come over. Of course I haven't bought you anything because what do you buy the guy that has everything?

[Tom Segura]

You know, I love her socks.

[Christina P.]

Oh, stop with this. You don't.

[Tom Segura]

Dads like socks and ties.

[Christina P.]

Can I tell you what you've done with every gift that you've. I've ever given you? Ever? Here, hand this lipstick to me.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Pretend like I'm you. I'm you, and it's your birthday.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, good.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, this is my birthday.

[Christina P.]

Oh, thanks.

[Tom Segura]

That's a good job. Acting.

[Christina P.]

That's what you do every time. Thanks. Put it away. I swear to God. And then I'll never see it again.

[Tom Segura]

That's not true.

[Christina P.]

You don't care about getting gifts. You're a gift giver.

[Tom Segura]

Well, that's probably more true.

[Christina P.]

But still, you like to give. You're not.

[Tom Segura]

I do like when you get me gifts. I do like it. I do. I'll tell you what gift I would love.

[Christina P.]

I know what you want.

[Tom Segura]

Well, no, this is a perfect introduction to it. Let's watch the opening clip and get on with the show. Happy birthday to you, Tommy. Here we go.

[Christina P.]

Blow me up, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Fisting is such a gigantic part of my identity that I feel like a part of me is gone. I feel like there's a big vacancy left where fisting. I don't know what to do with myself during most of the days. I spent so much time playing with my ass and sitting on toys and just playing on cam and, like, just being a general pig with my butthole that trying to fill the days now is really kind of weird.

[Christina P.]

I get it. I get that.

[Tom Segura]

Welcome to your mom's house with Tom Segura.

[Christina P.]

Oh, wow. Here, mods. It's your mom's house. It's your birthday. To me, you're 87 years old today. Today you look like you're 90, but you're only 45 years. You're only 45.

[Tom Segura]

46.

[Christina P.]

46, yeah. Car. This year, just your lower lefts. Get those done. Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Do we know General Pig with my butthole?

[Christina P.]

Do we know why he lost his love of life?

[Tom Segura]

I think he prolapsed or something and said it's like a real. It's difficult. There's a part two. Here you go.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

I don't have a lot of other hobbies, and so it's kind of forcing me to take a mirror to myself and look at myself and figure out who I am. Without my hole, because I don't really know who that is anymore because I've been kind of one with my hole for so long.

[Christina P.]

It's been giving me purpose, and so.

[Tom Segura]

Now I have to kind of figure out what that looks like without it. That is, by the way, such a dedication to playing with your asshole that he doesn't even know how to describe life without toying with his asshole.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. It's an existential crisis.

[Tom Segura]

He's having a real life crisis right now. Like, what the. I don't have hobbies. I play with my. I put toys in it. I'm on cam people it and fist it. And now what am I supposed to do? Read.

[Christina P.]

Right. And mind you, he's no spring chicken. He's well into his 30s. I venture. Almost 40.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And he's been doing nothing.

[Tom Segura]

Although, I got to say this, his own sir. I appreciate the vulnerability.

[Christina P.]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

The honesty.

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

You know, not a lot of people would share this, but you're just like, what the fuck? You know what he reminds me of? Like, a guy who's retiring from 15 years in the NBA.

[Christina P.]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

Who's like, I've been playing basketball every fucking day.

[Christina P.]

What do I do now?

[Tom Segura]

And now I could get up, and there's no practice, you know? I mean, there's no. There's no shoot around. There's no stretching treatment. Like, what am I supposed to do?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

You got to figure out something to do. I'm a retired. His asshole was his life.

[Christina P.]

It was his championship.

[Tom Segura]

Now, one thing I don't have context of is. Is what you asked is what exactly happened? I mean, I'm. I'm making the assumption that his asshole took him out of the game.

[Christina P.]

That's correct. Yeah. He prolapsed real bad, and he had to go to the hospital for a while.

[Tom Segura]

Fuck.

[Christina P.]

He had to, like, shit into a colostomy bag. Oh, you know, you don't want that.

[Tom Segura]

So his asshole is just out of commission now.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Yeah. And now he hosts the Brolapse podcast.

[Tom Segura]

Which is just about life after his asshole. Yep. That's fucking wild.

[Christina P.]

We got to get into this show.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Oh, this is so cool. There's got to be other gentlemen out there that have lost.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, there's. There's probably a lot of people that are like, oh, thank God you're doing this.

[Christina P.]

Thank God. What is life without fisting your own asshole?

[Tom Segura]

Nothing more important than getting a good night's sleep. You have to get the best sleep you can possibly get. And there's a lot of ways you can do that, but one of them is by getting an amazing mattress like the one they sell at Helix. We've been now sleeping on a Helix for a minute.

[Christina P.]

Oh my gosh. And I tell you the best part is you go on their website, you take their quiz and depending upon how you sleep. Are you a side sleeper?

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

Do you sleep on your back? Do you like soft, hard, whatever, sleeping temperature? Oh, it's fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

Do you sleep with a partner, multiple partners or solo?

[Christina P.]

Yes.

[Tom Segura]

That's going to dictate a lot of things. They have a cooling mattress, covers for hot sleepers, they have memory foam padding for side sleepers. And look, you just have to tell them how you like to sleep and they've got the mattress for you. Go to helixsleep.com ymh for 20% off site wide. That's helixsleep.com yMH for 20% off site wide. Helixsleep.com yMH have better sex with Bluechew. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets. These erection enhancing tablets help men achieve stronger, harder and longer lasting erections for sexual activities. Bluechew is putting its money where its mouth is and offering you a month free so you can put your money in another person's mouth. The process is simple. Sign [e-mail], consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved, you'll receive your prescription within days. Bluechew tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door. You can take them anytime and day or night. So you can plan ahead or be ready whenever an opportunity arises, like the changing room of a department store. The best part? It's all done online. That means no visits to the doctor's office, no awkward conversations and no waiting in line at the pharmacy for when someone goes pills to make your dick hard. Let me tell you something. These things are unbelievable. I take them day and night, sometimes just on a drive home and I just see where the car takes me. They really work. I'm hard most of the day and it's all thanks to these guys. I could not recommend them enough. Even if you're like, I don't need them. Yes, you do. Make life easier by getting harder. And discover your [e-mail] we got a special deal for our listeners. Try your first month of BlueChew free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChew for sponsoring the podcast converting vanilla into vanilla. Oh, Vanilla gays into fist pigs. One hole at a time. Fist pig. I mean, what's this other one say? This. This top right one? Is that a. That's a different one. Can you hit that to see what he's talking about here?

[Christina P.]

Pig. That's fantastic.

[Tom Segura]

With fisting. Change at all during this experience or, like, the way you connect with it, like, either emotionally or spiritually? Did it change after you went through the. This traumatic experience?

[Tony Johns]

I'm just. I'm just conscious. More conscious.

[Tom Segura]

Like before, I knew there was, like, a risk.

[Tony Johns]

But like every risk, you always think.

[Tom Segura]

That that's not going to happen to me.

[Tony Johns]

But, I mean, I'm a small guy.

[Tom Segura]

I'm short, so I think I'm five seven. Five, five, seven.

[Tony Johns]

So I was, like, pushing myself too much because I wanted to be at the same level of other content creators.

[Tom Segura]

That's the problem with content today. That's what I think is like a big. It's like this. This is insane. I love this with. I love the creators. This is a. You just up it. This is a support group for other guys who have also destroyed their assholes.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Trying to push it. He's like, now I got to think about it. I used to just. I'm small. I'd push. I'd push the envelope. And then now you push too hard.

[Christina P.]

It's a very specific niche brand, but it's working for him. But do you think porno stars like the women out there? Like, my pussy so battered?

[Tom Segura]

No, because your pussy's meant for it. That's the other thing.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And I'm not. This is not about the Lord striking us all dead for playing with our assholes, but it is designed for it.

[Christina P.]

Yes. Stretching.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, It's. It's for that. So I saw a video one time when I was doing research of a woman who.

[Christina P.]

Research.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I was doing research for a school thing and.

[Christina P.]

Sure.

[Tom Segura]

And she was doing anal sex, and her entire inside would come out and she would just put it back in.

[Christina P.]

Nope.

[Tom Segura]

Yep.

[Christina P.]

No thanks, Tom Hanks.

[Tom Segura]

She would just be like, never back in.

[Christina P.]

I. Listen. You know how tight I am about my sphincter. You don't want to start toying with that. You can't. It's not replaceable. Guys. You only get one of them. They don't do. They don't do colon transplants.

[Tom Segura]

Also, this guy you fucked, he is. The look on his face in the one that we played is like, I just lost my parents. Like. No, that's what it feels like. Like an orphan who's like, I agree.

[Christina P.]

Well, he is truly lost. He's. Well, let's put it in his perspective. He lost his pleasure zone and his way to make a living.

[Tom Segura]

Go back to where you just had.

[Christina P.]

So it is a financial as well as physical and spiritual.

[Tom Segura]

So this is how deep this is.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

On March 20th, my life took an. This just happened. An unexpected turn. A severe accidental internal injury led to a perforation in my sigmoid colon. In emergency surgery. The result a temporary colostomy. B, the long road to healing. The photos of me raw, healing, human. Honestly, I've got no shame about the bag. If anything, I'm more embarrassed that they shaved me from the tits down. Nobody wanted me. I'd wake up looking.

[Christina P.]

That's what you're embarrassed about? The shaving. I didn't even notice it until he.

[Tom Segura]

People are checking in with them and you know, this is a. A huge. This is a. A life pivoting moment. It's a kind of ironic that it's happening. Like we're learning of this. The week that we. A week after we went to the Iron Bear, which is a gay bar here in Austin, because we had a huge Porosos takeover there where we, we were in the bar we were given, you know, it was bears on bears on bears. It was the two bears with all the other bears. And let me tell you something, that was one of the most fun nights we've. It doesn't compare to the other bar takeovers we did. It was so festive. It was so fun. They were so welcoming. Of course we were told that we were. That we could get by these guys. It was really flattering. Guys were like, yeah, you know, if you want to, I could do things to you.

[Christina P.]

And, and what kind of guys were they? Bears, other bears or cubs or what do you.

[Tom Segura]

It was all kinds. It was all kinds. It was all kinds. And the best thing was that Bert insist he was wearing the most absurd outfit, you know?

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Like he was wearing like he was going to like a fuck club.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And yeah, he was wearing that. Right. And he kept asking them, hey, who would you. Who would you want between the two? And before he could finish the sentence, they'd go, him, Tom. Like every time. And I was like, yeah, this is awesome. And he, he kept going, what the fuck? Why did I wear this? Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Now he knows how ladies feel. Well, he looks very fat. He's so fat there. Oh, wow. You know what? He looks like he's about pregnant. Remember when I had to wear that.

[Tom Segura]

Support belt he looks like a guy that you would see at a club, though, right?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, the harness.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, the harness and the belly and.

[Christina P.]

Sure, sure, sure, sure. He's wearing a captain's hat, too.

[Tom Segura]

He was so funny. It was great. It was actually really. But he took those off. The shorts and his ass cheeks were out. And he said guys were running their. Their fingers through his crack.

[Christina P.]

See it?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. They were touching.

[Christina P.]

He is so brave, I'll tell you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I love Bert's fun. By the way, I'm a little mad at you still, because this morning I woke. Woke up and I was so furious at you, dude, because I had this dream about you. I. Speaking of, like, leather daddy. So here's the dream. I dreamt that you and I start.

[Tom Segura]

Say it again. I. What? I.

[Christina P.]

You what? I woke up furious with you because I. I dreamt that you did something terrible. Do you want to hear what you did?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I was so mad at you, I really wanted to just kill you in your sleep. I was so pissed. I really was.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, go on.

[Christina P.]

I don't know if you noticed, I was a little extra loud this morning when I was making my coffee. I was like, wake him up. I don't give a any hoodles. I dreamt that you basically got into some really weird kinky sexual things, like. But absurd. Like the kind of. That we cover a guy's in like, plastic.

[Tom Segura]

Like the latex.

[Christina P.]

The latex guys. And then you were really in the dream into felching. Like you would suck come out of a butthole with a straw. And I was like, babe, I can't do this. And Charlize Theron was there with all these other. I love her too. Which is, like, conflicted for me. It was conflicting because I really like her in real life, you know, and she was like, yeah, all the celebrities come to this club and we all sign NDAs, and you can come here and do whatever you want.

[Tom Segura]

And that's be a pig.

[Christina P.]

And I turn to you and I go, great, I'm divorcing you. I'm taking all your money and I'm taking your kids. Enjoy your life, Tom. And I was super mad. Are you listening to me?

[Tom Segura]

I'm listening.

[Christina P.]

So selfish.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Because you didn't come after me. And you were, like, stoked that now you get to have this new sexual deviant lifestyle like Charlie's. You gave it all up.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Like you gave up your family so that you could felt I spent so.

[Tom Segura]

Much time playing with my house.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I was so mad at you.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

So Disgusting. Guys do that all the time.

[Tom Segura]

Who I am without my hole.

[Christina P.]

Guys just leave their families.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. To join sex clubs.

[Christina P.]

To do sexual stuff.

[Tom Segura]

Didn't you say there was some piss in there, too? Some piss play?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, like people peeing on each other. It was like sick looking people. Like when I had my colonoscopy the other day.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

We were in the waiting room and there were like, these two gay guys and they looked really ill. They looked like a lot of people getting colonoscopies don't look good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You know? Yeah, they were like sick looking gay dudes. Anyway, I so pissed. I hate you so much. It took me like all morning to come down from that. Oh, I hate that one.

[Tony Johns]

Come for me.

[Christina P.]

Shut up. No, woman, shut up.

[Tony Johns]

Okay, you come.

[Christina P.]

You.

[Tom Segura]

I would. I would join. If Leo was there. I would go to that.

[Christina P.]

Leo? Oh, him.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Let me see all that. Okay, so, yeah, I would love to. I mean, you know, I would love to try the piss thing at a club. I think that'd be fun.

[Christina P.]

Nothing burger. Honestly, if you were like, I want you to pee on me, I'd be like, yeah, who cares? That. That to me is a. I didn't.

[Tom Segura]

Say I want to pee on me. I want to pee on someone.

[Christina P.]

I said, you could pee on me. That's a big nothing. Really don't care. I would drink it.

[Tom Segura]

I kind of like when I see, like, a woman terrified. You know what I mean? Like, really scared. That's.

[Christina P.]

That's easy to do, too.

[Tom Segura]

You can do that?

[Christina P.]

Of course.

[Tom Segura]

Show me. No, no.

[Christina P.]

My Botox. I got too much Botox. I can't.

[Tom Segura]

No. Be more, like, real. I want to. I want. I like when it's like, no, I.

[Christina P.]

Don'T want to do that. Yeah. Thicken your shows.

[Tom Segura]

And then you have to say, like, let me go. Like, if you say something like that.

[Christina P.]

Please, sir.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's good. That's good. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Don't make me hurt your dog. You know where that's from, don't you? Yeah, you know where that's from? Oh, like you don't know that movie by heart.

[Tom Segura]

Don't let me make me hurt you.

[Christina P.]

Okay, good. Come on, mister. Her leg's broken. She's hurting real bad. Don't make me hurt your dog. Come on. You love this guy. Oh, it places the lotion in the basket.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry. It's found to the limb. Sorry, sorry, sorry.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, you about a size 16?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, that's good. That's good.

[Christina P.]

Frederica Bimmel, she a great big Fat per.

[Tom Segura]

Oh.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah. She goes, oh, she great big fat person. Oh, by the way, I mean, guys leave their families all the time for sexual things just for sex. It's crazy to me.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, sex is cool.

[Christina P.]

Then sometimes chicks do too. Very rarely.

[Tom Segura]

Sometimes they do.

[Christina P.]

Those chicks are cool, though.

[Tom Segura]

I've spent so much time just toying with my. Like a pig. I don't know what to do now.

[Christina P.]

I'm a fist pig, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

I'm a fist pig.

[Christina P.]

I'm a hardcore fist pig.

[Tom Segura]

Speaking of fist pig fuck. The storyline of storylines of this year. Tony John, who we checked in with a little while ago, has been continuously and continually getting kicked out of places. And a couple nights ago he posted that Curly's, a bar in. In Auburn, New York, gave him the boot. No, he went right out and told this story.

[Tony Johns]

So now.

[Christina P.]

Oh no, Curly's out here.

[Tony Johns]

Hear me out. I. I got a whole lot bag here full of, full of photos, you know, 20. 20 bones, you know, nice cash app Venmos. And the bartender here at Curly's, I, you know, try to give her a photo as a donation, you know, as, you know, just to be nice, you know, a local, nice man here. Yeah, Curly's, Auburn, New York. And she said, oh, no, we don't do that here. I said, what? She said, oh, no, we don't do that here. I said, it's a donation. It's a photo for a donation. It's a donation. It's for the bar. A donation. You know what I'm saying? It's a photo. She said, oh no, you're a 86 out curly's. Don't ever come back here again. I said, what? Said, oh no, don't ever come back here again. You're 86? I said, yes, ma'am.

[Tom Segura]

Perfect.

[Tony Johns]

I'm gonna, I'm gonna walk out. You know, I don't want. No problem. So I'm gonna walk out. You'll never see me again in this bar. Adios, Curly.

[Tom Segura]

That's pretty wild. And then is there follow up to this story? Is that what I'm hearing? Oh, yeah. Scroll up a little bit. Thanks. Qtpie. Okay. What's this one?

[Tony Johns]

Yeah, I'm just, Just rolled out of bed. Literally. I'm just waiting for the bus now. Just rolled out of bed, fresh out of bed. I gotta go grab me a few swigs and.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah, I don't know.

[Tony Johns]

I gotta get me. Gotta give me some laundry detergent. I gotta give me a few. A few loads done this afternoon. So. Nice Nice kickback day today. But I do, you know, just want to say I appreciate the bartender currently. She did apologize last night. She called me and. Hey, no worries, sweetie. I appreciate your subscription.

[Christina P.]

Subscription.

[Tony Johns]

You know, I really, really do. I really, really do appreciate your subscription. 100. You know, you're not slow, sweetheart. And you're an absolute, you know, tall glass of water. So. Thank you, sweetie.

[Christina P.]

He does like the tall brunettes he's been. Yeah, well, I'm glad.

[Tom Segura]

It sounds like she, you know, kind of sorted herself out after 86ing a local celebrity.

[Christina P.]

I think she understands that he's just hustling. He's just. He's a worker and he's doing well.

[Tom Segura]

And these photos are rad. And. And by the way, you. If you follow him online, you can get yourself a photo. This one came here to the office. It's autographed by Tony Johns. He's in his Speedo or his little tidy.

[Christina P.]

No, it's. Yeah, it's a Speedo. He's at Tony Michael John's 96.

[Tom Segura]

It's a great handle.

[Christina P.]

It's a great handle.

[Tom Segura]

I think Cougar got a personalized one.

[Christina P.]

Oh, Cougar. How lucky. He signed it and everything. So I have a feeling if you're nice to Tony and you. You request it, he'll sign it.

[Tom Segura]

Can we find out what's going on with him?

[Christina P.]

Yeah, let's give him a call.

[Tom Segura]

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[Tony Johns]

Yo, yo. What's going on?

[Tom Segura]

Yes. What's up, T?

[Tony Johns]

Oh, baby, come on.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, man. First of all. Yeah, dude. How you doing, Joe dog?

[Tony Johns]

I'm doing really good. Hey, bro. I got a. A whole bunch of donations. Yes, sir. And I'm walking back to my. My place here with the Little Caesars donation there. Yes, sir. It's a pretzel pizza and some Italian, uh, Crazy Bread.

[Christina P.]

Nice.

[Tony Johns]

And, uh. Oh, yo, Tom, it's. There's been a lot of craziness going on out here, brother.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I know.

[Tony Johns]

Holy.

[Tom Segura]

So what's. What's happened lately? What's going on?

[Tony Johns]

So my landlord still don't have any keys to my building, and my. It's craziness, brother. And I asked my landlord and the. The manager there, Scott Chaplin, James Myers, I asked him several times to give me keys. They wouldn't give me no keys, man. And enough's enough. I needed to get in my building. It's raining out here. It's snowing out here.

[Tom Segura]

Right.

[Tony Johns]

I ended up just having enough and just blowing down the whole door.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, enough's Enough.

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir. 35 Market Street. Enough's enough. I blew down the whole. And it's still a Monday, I believe.

[Tom Segura]

So how do you still. Did you get in trouble for that?

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir. I. I was arrested and charged with a criminal mischief. Yes, sir.

[Tom Segura]

So how is. What's. What's the. First of all, for your housing? I assume you're. You're in the process of being evicted, though, right? They're evicting you?

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes, sir. Yep. So I go to court with these crazy guys on the 15th and. Yes, sir.

[Tom Segura]

What's your. What's your angle going to be in court? What are you going to say when the judge says, hey, you're being evicted? Are you paying your rent?

[Tony Johns]

I'm gonna. I'm an honest man. I'm a straight. A straight shooter. See, like right now, Tom, I'm literally walking inside. You can walk in when you want to, and you can leave when you want to. There ain't no locks no more because I ain't got no keys, brother. So you can come in when you want. You can leave. See? Watch. Right? See, I'm in the building now.

[Tom Segura]

So what will you tell the judge, though? That you. That you can't pay?

[Tony Johns]

No, I can pay. It's just these guys have been treating me like garbage, man.

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Tony Johns]

Like I'm a good dude. I was assaulted by both of these crazy men. I was.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's insane.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's.

[Tony Johns]

Yeah, no, that's what I'm saying, dude. So that's why I'm not, like, paying rent, dude. Because, dude, there. There's. There's been feces left on my door. I don't know, like, dog poo or chocolate or some craziness. And I just passed out and I had enough, and I said, no, enough's enough, you know? And then I was assaulted.

[Tom Segura]

And what are your. What are your plans if the judge orders you to leave the building? You have to. You have to go somewhere. Where are you going to go?

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes, sir, to be honest, Tom, ah, I'll be all right, man. I'll. I'll. You know what? They always keep the lights on at the Motel 6, sir.

[Tom Segura]

That's true. What about getting out of Auburn? What about just leaving Auburn for good? Ah.

[Tony Johns]

Man, I like it out here, man. You know, even though it's. It's. It's. It's A struggle, and I'm trying my hardest, Tom. I like it out here, man.

[Tom Segura]

Now, we were just telling our audience that another way to show support a fan. You are selling these photos, right? You. Can you sell the photos?

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes, sir. Yes, I'm. I really do like, like the photos.

[Tom Segura]

So how do people get a photo? What's the process?

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes, sir. So you can either shoot me, shoot me a buzz, you know, text me, call me, Instagram, DM, Facebook. DM. Yes, sir. I got a 20 a pop, sir, there, Tom. Uh, cash out, Venmo. And, yeah, call me, text me when I'm here for you. You want it? You want a photo donation? You. You got it. Yes. Yes, sir.

[Tom Segura]

Okay. And another way you're raising funds is we're trying to promote your only fans, right?

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir. Yep. Yep.

[Tom Segura]

And you're putting. And you're doing a bunch of solo content right now.

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes, sir. And I'm loving it, brother. Like, seriously, man, It's. It's.

[Christina P.]

Dude.

[Tony Johns]

Like, it's. Yes.

[Christina P.]

Excellent.

[Tom Segura]

That's awesome.

[Christina P.]

Well, I'm so proud of your hustle, Tony. I love that you're printing out these fun photos. They're lovely. They're very high quality. And you sign them for the fans. You are just real.

[Tony Johns]

They're amaz.

[Christina P.]

You're about to pop off. You really are with the Lexus.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, yeah, that's coming up. And before we get to that, though, because there's something I want to ask you about that. About the scene. What happened at Curly's? Why'd you get 86 from there?

[Tony Johns]

Oh, dude. So, like, yo, it's crazy.

[Tom Segura]

So.

[Tony Johns]

Oh, it's the craziest thing ever. So I had a. You know, I had a few photos left.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony Johns]

And I. You know, the. There was a. There was a cutie, you know, tall, Tall Burnett, a bartender. And what I ended up doing there, Tom and Christina.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony Johns]

Ended up pinning my. My photo on the back there on the back wall, and it was me with a bandana and a hat. And.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Tony Johns]

You know, because I have to keep my head warm. You know, it's winter time.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Tony Johns]

But I just pinned a photo on the back there because there was a Back there where it said, like, looking like people pin up their stuff, like, for work and, you know, like, you know, if they need laborers or whatnot, you know, there's a. There's just a, you know, boarding pin stuff up, and I end up pinning. Pinning it up on the board, going to the bathroom, and coming back to watch the Florida game. It was an amazing game. Florida.

[Tom Segura]

Yes.

[Tony Johns]

And, yeah, I. She. She took it, like, really, really offensive. She was like, no, we don't promote. We don't promote, only fans. Like, and I'm sitting back here like, whoa, what's. What are you talking about? And I was trying to be honest. Like, hey, that. That's. That's a donation for your bar. My name's Tony Michael Johns. I don't know if you know me, you know, but I'm a good dude. I'm just. I'm trying to get my name out here. I'm trying to, you know, do comedy skits. I'm trying to do. You know, I'm just trying to make an honest dollar, lady. Like, I'm giving this photo, and I signed my name on it for a donation, and she said, oh, no. She said, oh, no, you're 86. And I said, whoa, what's going on? She's like, get out. And I said, yes, ma'am. I ended up just walking. I said, hey. And then, you know, a few hours later, I was at a. I was at a. Another. Another local pub there. Eighteen wallies, you know, just kicking back, relaxing, because I was in shock. I was like, yo, I just gave this lady a free $20, you know, donation photo there. And she. She 86 me out the bar. I'm like, yeah, I was just watching, you know, it's craziness.

[Christina P.]

That's.

[Tom Segura]

It's crazy. Now, did she reach out later?

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir. Yep. Yep. So a few hours later, I was at. At Wally's, and she ended up calling me, and. And, you know, she probably did a research on me then, like, looked me up and whatnot, and she really did. She was like, hey, I'm very, very sorry. Tony Michael Jobs, you know, called me the ladies man. And she said, oh, yeah. She was like, yo, I. You. You know, you're not 86 anymore. I really appreciate you, you know, just. Because I. I try to do my best, you know, just, you know, with, you know, I just. I don't know. Like, I didn't want. I wasn't trying to offend anybody. And it's like, you know, like, super nice lady, you know, she said, hey, you can come back anytime. You know, grab a soda. You know, it's what I usually get when I go to these bars. I party sober now, Tom?

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Wait, are you doing I just cameos now?

[Tony Johns]

Yes, ma'am. Yes, Christina. Yes. Oh, yes, ma'am. And I'm loving those, too.

[Christina P.]

That's great.

[Tom Segura]

How much is cameo So I got.

[Tony Johns]

Him 18 a pop. But I. I like giving, you know, discounts. They're like 10 bucks right now. 10 bucks.

[Tom Segura]

That's great.

[Christina P.]

So if somebody wants to wish somebody else happy birthday or good luck.

[Tony Johns]

Yes.

[Christina P.]

You can have Tony John's do it on cameo. That's pretty amazing.

[Tom Segura]

That is pretty.

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes. How you been, though, Christina?

[Christina P.]

I'm good. Thanks for asking, sweetie. We're just, you know, I. Again, I'm so proud of you and your hustle here printing these photos of yourself. And I think your future is very bright. You just. Just stay out of trouble, though, okay?

[Tony Johns]

Yes, ma'am. Yeah, I can't get arrested anymore.

[Tom Segura]

No, don't get arrested.

[Christina P.]

Don't get arrested.

[Tom Segura]

And also, everybody is thinking literally every day about your upcoming scene with Alexis Fox and wondering how do you feel about this kind of, you know, law enforcement scenario, right, where you're being arrested. She's the arresting officer. She's taking you back to get fingerprinted and strip searched and everything. And then her boss, her sergeant officer come dump walks in and he orders her to do a more thorough search.

[Tony Johns]

Yes, Sir. I am 100 game. Strip me down, take my boots and do it. We'll do. Yes. Yes, sir. Yes, ma'am.

[Christina P.]

All right.

[Tom Segura]

All right, cool.

[Tony Johns]

Strip me. Strip me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, yeah. And you're cool if this actor RPC joins the scene, right? Like.

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes. Oh, I would love that. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

Awesome. Okay.

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir. Oh, yeah. Take my boots. Strip me. Strip me down. Yes.

[Tom Segura]

A lot.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Okay, cool. Well, we're going to actually check in with him and see if we can tie all this together. Okay.

[Tony Johns]

Oh, yes, please. Yo.

[Tom Segura]

All right.

[Tony Johns]

This is amazing.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, stay out of trouble, Tony.

[Christina P.]

Yes, please.

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir. Thank you for the. For the. For. For the, you know, Buzz, Tom, thanks for.

[Tom Segura]

Absolutely. We'll talk to you soon.

[Tony Johns]

Yes, sir.

[Tom Segura]

Thank you. Okay, bye.

[Christina P.]

Bye.

[Tony Johns]

Bye. Bye, guys.

[Christina P.]

Bye. I think a cameo with Tony Johns would be amazing.

[Tom Segura]

That's a great way.

[Christina P.]

That's a great way for him to make some scratch. A lot easier than only fans, too, even.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, you don't have to come get.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, you have to take your peener out. You can make those anywhere in public.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. That's so cool.

[Christina P.]

So, guys, get your cameos, order the photos.

[Tom Segura]

I think let's. Let's do a quick pee break.

[Christina P.]

Oh, you got a whiz. Okay, okay. Okay. Anyway, I wanted to plug. Mother's Day is just around the corner. What better gift to get her than Christina P. Lipstick. Go to christinap.com. i suggest just getting all four in one pop. Order it now so that you make sure to get it by Mother's Day. Celebrate your mom.

[Tom Segura]

Celebrate your mom. Get your mommy something.

[Christina P.]

Get your mom something. I am wearing the perfect red right now, and it really is a love power factor.

[Tom Segura]

It's great.

[Christina P.]

I love that.

[Tom Segura]

Got a cool clip to show you that.

[Christina P.]

Oh, good.

[Tom Segura]

Let's.

[Christina P.]

Let's party.

[Tom Segura]

I'm straight. I'm dating ladyboy, and I don't think I'm gay. I'm attracted to Chini. She looks like a woman. She's very beautiful. She's very feminine. How does it make me gay? How about. That's a good question. I feel like in 2025, there are two types of woman. There is woman with a. And woman with a. Same skin and it's the same tissue. It's just different form of the same thing.

[Tony Johns]

Woman, different level.

[Tom Segura]

She's to me, and that's how I see her. It's part of you. And I love you. And I love every part of you.

[Christina P.]

And you know what?

[Tony Johns]

You don't need to answer anyone.

[Christina P.]

People just curious because they're jealous. Did you hear any. Yeah, through the wall. Yo, yo, now what are you feeling when you watch that?

[Tom Segura]

That's. Yo. She ain't even trying to do the trans voice. She just letting it rip. Like. But. But be honest. If this was. No, no, no, no. If this was videos shown in different context and you're just seeing her, you don't know right away. Like she. She does present. Let me see again. She's here. Hold on. Let me see the. The full body. I mean, titty's small. It's kind of a. Yeah, but. Come on. But like, you're seeing her right there. That. That doesn't scream. It could be a check. Yeah, yeah, I'll give it to you. Yeah. You just. You don't know. But as soon as she talked. Talking about what the. This is a. That's why I so appreciated when Jim Norton was here.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And he was just like, well, I'm definitely like, you can't call me straight.

[Christina P.]

Right. You know, he admits that it's. I think the problem with. With this is that they're trying to convince you that a. If you're not into trans, men, women, whatever, you're homophobic.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

If you're not transphobic. Transphobics are. Yes, transphobic. And that you should. Should this should be presented a certain way. It's like, no, maybe not, but just.

[Tom Segura]

However you want to react.

[Christina P.]

You can. Whatever you want.

[Tom Segura]

Sure.

[Christina P.]

I Don't have to be convinced that you're straight or. No, I don't care.

[Tom Segura]

The thing that somebody always says in this situation is you don't have to answer to anybody. Okay? Whatever you like is what? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Because you just say you like this.

[Christina P.]

It doesn't matter. Yeah. No one cares.

[Tom Segura]

But he does say the thing that I. I hear. I think Jim reiterated it. It's like he's not attracted to a male presenting man. You know? I mean, he doesn't find a man attractive.

[Christina P.]

Correct.

[Tom Segura]

He likes this situation, though.

[Christina P.]

Sure. With a dong. It's a dick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. There's just a dick.

[Tony Johns]

It's just.

[Christina P.]

It's not a deal breaker.

[Tom Segura]

Exactly. That's. That's the thing is, like, if I described a woman to you, Annie, and I was like, you know, whatever, she's slim, she's got beautiful hair. Is the dick a deal breaker? What? Yes, it's a deal breaker. I don't understand the question.

[Christina P.]

Hold on. What if I'm me? Tom. I'm me.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

We have 20 years together, and just one day I wake up and I've got a dick.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I'll tell you the truth. I'll tell you the truth.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tom Segura]

You get your own room. You get. You get a room, and you get to live there. And I want the kids to have you around.

[Christina P.]

You want the kids to have me around?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. I don't want you to leave because, you know, we have kids.

[Christina P.]

Children. Yeah. What if you did we just do butt sex, but do we stop having sex entirely?

[Tom Segura]

I think with your dick, we do. Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That's the end of it, I guess.

[Tom Segura]

We start fisting. I'll start fisting.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. You can be a fist pig.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

What's wrong with you?

[Tom Segura]

Just make you prolapse.

[Tony Johns]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Perforate your colon.

[Christina P.]

Well, if you woke up with a vag, that would be a problem.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

For me.

[Tom Segura]

Some people it's not a problem for. You know, this.

[Christina P.]

Yours would be hairy and just hairy and gross. Your badge would be so unruly.

[Tom Segura]

Because we love these videos when somebody goes like, hey, cutie.

[Christina P.]

Like, oh, I love these. Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

And then this one, you could tell it was just like, he started.

[Christina P.]

Very cute.

[Tom Segura]

He's just trying it on someone. But you could tell this took a turn. That the. The guy doing the kind of prank that didn't expect you to keep playing high tag? You're going to holl at your boy?

[Tony Johns]

You gonna keep playing high tag? You gonna holler at your boy?

[Tom Segura]

Sexy. You consider me sexy? Mm. Yeah. Well, I am.

[Tony Johns]

You want to take a bite of me?

[Tom Segura]

Take big boy for a ride. I don't think my ass could handle. You probably will, huh?

[Tony Johns]

You could handle me right up, huh?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, probably could do. Hold on.

[Tony Johns]

You want to try?

[Tom Segura]

You do? You're a policeman, right?

[Tony Johns]

I'm not a police. I'm just a sexy man looking for a freak off.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. How many inches you got down there?

[Tony Johns]

10.

[Tom Segura]

No, 10.

[Tony Johns]

Yep. All right, you have a good one, sexy.

[Tom Segura]

Oh. Oh. I don't have any money. If you're expecting. Get money. Oh, no. Are you expecting to get this done?

[Christina P.]

He really took him up on. It's the first time.

[Tom Segura]

I've never seen it turn like that.

[Christina P.]

Never.

[Tom Segura]

The guy. Usually the guys are like, what? Yeah, they laugh or something. This guy just went right to.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

What do you got down there? Dang.

[Christina P.]

He doesn't look gay at all.

[Tom Segura]

Is that, like, right?

[Christina P.]

Would you have guessed that he was down for dudes?

[Tom Segura]

No. That's why he approached him.

[Christina P.]

Not at all.

[Tom Segura]

He's approaching people that he thinks are gonna.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, like dads.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

That. No one's told these dads that they're attractive.

[Tom Segura]

Right. So it's another guy telling, dad, you're such a cutie. And they're like, what the.

[Christina P.]

And it's like the daddest of the dads that he usually approaches.

[Tom Segura]

That guy had total dad vibes.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

But he's like, I'm a straight up.

[Tom Segura]

He turned his cart. He's like, whoa, I don't have any money. But if you're. Yeah, do this.

[Christina P.]

He followed him, and then he starts following him.

[Tom Segura]

And then this guy's got to be like, I'm just with you. Which is terrible.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Because he's like, almost fired up, bro. What's up? Which is terrible.

[Tom Segura]

How many. Well, it's terrible.

[Christina P.]

It's a catastrophe.

[Tom Segura]

It is. He got that guy all. That guy has such a dopamine drip going right now for somebody telling him, like, hey, this could. You know, I mean, it's like he's so excited. And then we don't see the rest of this. Of how the guy who's recording goes like, hey, man, I'm just around. I'm just making a funny. I just did it for. For shits and giggles, dude.

[Christina P.]

I know.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Broke his heart, man.

[Christina P.]

Broke his heart.

[Tom Segura]

Broke that old man.

[Christina P.]

I know. He's got his Christmas cards in there and everything.

[Tom Segura]

His old gay heart just broken. It's not cool.

[Christina P.]

Hey, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Speaking of deal breakers, you know, we play this game, like, I'm me. I'm everything me.

[Tom Segura]

But.

[Christina P.]

But what if I had this one thing about me?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

What would you do?

[Tom Segura]

Right?

[Christina P.]

Okay. What if I meet you're you? We have our life, 20 years of history. But I've decided I'm a nudist. So that means, like, on the weekends when we're all hanging out, I'm nude. If your mother comes over, your sister, you're just like, she's nude. What am I going to do?

[Tom Segura]

I. Here's the truth. I think I get used to it, but I'd be really fucking annoyed by it. And I would tell you, I'd be like, you can't do it. It's fucking. It's like Burt putting something on Instagram. I'd be like, could you fucking. Just not fucking for today.

[Christina P.]

Stop sharing everything.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, Just. Can you just.

[Christina P.]

Just live your life?

[Tom Segura]

Can you wear clothes today, please?

[Christina P.]

But what if I was. Okay, so what if I'm a nudist? And then I also decided to free bleed when it's my period.

[Tom Segura]

That's what I do. Now we're having.

[Christina P.]

But I'm a nudist. That. Would this be a deal breaker for you?

[Tom Segura]

It'd be a lot more time alone. A lot more time alone. Yeah. I'd be like, I know what's happening this week. Call me next week. I don't want to be around for your free bleed. And I don't want you to be nude. When my family comes over.

[Christina P.]

They get used to it. Your mom and your sister. I'm a woman. They don't care.

[Tom Segura]

I think they would.

[Christina P.]

I wish you would become a nudist. How funny would that be? We had, like, people over for dinner.

[Tom Segura]

Hello, guys.

[Christina P.]

And you're like, could you put a towel down before you sit on the furniture, please?

[Tom Segura]

It's my house.

[Christina P.]

I like to sit.

[Tom Segura]

You see, like, my. My dick just tuck into my ball bag. There's no sexual arousal. It's just, like, all flaccid, soft.

[Christina P.]

That is the weird thing about nudists is that they just live their life without clothing. So they're not in a state of arousal. They're not in the state of doing anything.

[Tom Segura]

Has nothing to do with, like, sex.

[Christina P.]

No.

[Tom Segura]

I live free. And this is the way we were put on this earth.

[Christina P.]

That's so gross.

[Tom Segura]

I was noticing weird how whenever I'm with Bert, there's always someone who's like, hey, can I take my shirt off? And Bert's always like. And so whenever someone takes their shirt off, you see, like, abrasions and, like, scars and stuff. And I'm always like, put your shirt back on, man. You don't realize how much the shirt saves that, you know?

[Christina P.]

I mean, I was like, are you kidding? My body, too.

[Tom Segura]

Like, no, not you.

[Christina P.]

All the scarring and the, you know, injuries people you get over the years.

[Tom Segura]

I'm just talking about bad skin and, like, ingrown hairs and stuff. I'm like, dude, put your shirt back on. This is disgusting.

[Christina P.]

What if I. Hold on. I'm not done playing the game with you. Okay, so nudist, yay or nay? I want you to really take it.

[Tom Segura]

No, I don't like it.

[Christina P.]

But you'd stay with me.

[Tom Segura]

I guess I would stay with you, but I would have a new problem with you.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, a new problem. Yeah, it's annoying as.

[Tom Segura]

Super annoying.

[Christina P.]

It's super annoying, but it's not a deal breaker is what you're saying.

[Tom Segura]

Social life would be really affected. Keep going.

[Christina P.]

Very effective.

[Tom Segura]

What's your next one?

[Christina P.]

Okay, what if I become a super environmentalist where it's to the point where like, hey, we have dinner plans tonight. We're gonna drive over to our friend's house. They live 10 minutes away, and I say shit like, babe, you know how I feel about wasting fossil fuels in the car.

[Tom Segura]

Honestly, this bothers me more than the nudes.

[Christina P.]

Environmentalists, you drive. I'm gonna. I'm gonna bicycle there. It's gonna take about an hour. I'll meet you there, and then I'll bicycle home. If we have to record the podcast, it's going to take me, like, two hours to bike here.

[Tom Segura]

No. And I go home, there's no toilet paper, and you're like, well, it's just such a waste.

[Christina P.]

We use the family towel. Why don't you use the family rag?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, no, those are grounds for.

[Christina P.]

Those are grounds for dismissal, I think.

[Tom Segura]

Separation, at least.

[Christina P.]

Wow. And, like, I don't hound you about your choices, but I'm constantly going through the trash, separating out the plastics and the composting. Is that the worst?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, someone like, who's like, that I can barely spend five minutes with, so I can't imagine living with them. So you can do that somewhere else. We do that thing where we're just neighbors. We, like. You're just going to move next door and do all your.

[Christina P.]

We buy the house next door.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

I think Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton did that at one point. They just had houses next door to each other. And they would co.

[Tom Segura]

They're both pretty crazy.

[Christina P.]

They're both Absolutely. Probably insane. Well, you could do that.

[Tom Segura]

Okay, thanks. Here. I'm really excited, but one more. I want to move on. I'm really excited. This is one of the segments we played last week, but he wasn't even here for it. This is the segment I like to call Annie's Inner Thoughts.

[Christina P.]

Oh.

[Tom Segura]

So here we go with one of Ennis inner thoughts.

[D]

It is so crazy when you ever smashed a girl, right? Got talked off or something, Got throat, got thrown throat it. And then she already made it clear that she got a man or something. They kind of like on some breakup or whatever. And then you go ahead and hit it and with her, right? And then like you will see her in the streets or in the store somewhere with an old boy. With a man. Why do that make you want to smash it? Be like, next time I get. I'm gonna just really.

[Christina P.]

Whoa, he's flexing those chili.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah.

[Christina P.]

See you flexing.

[Tom Segura]

I was gonna get mad, honestly, but the more I hear it. Actually this is kind of exactly what I thought that you're as accurate as you are. That's awesome, dude. I've been watching this guy for a couple months now. He's so cool.

[D]

It makes you want to smash him worth more.

[Tom Segura]

Harder.

[D]

Longer. Keep them longer. Ride her hard. Put her up wet.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah.

[D]

Like, I don't know, like you appreciate it more when you see you. You see somebody that. That you know they got a mate. And especially when you see them with the mate and you know you didn't smash then you want to smash again, you'll be like, damn, yeah. When she gonna come back through?

[Tom Segura]

What do you think? Any. Yeah, I really. It. It upsets me now. I don't like seeing it from this perspective. Yeah. I'm usually the dude saying stupid like this and now that I see it, it's very uncomfortable. But. Yeah, no, that's. That's true. Like last time I was at. I was dancing with some girl and then her dude like pulled her closer to him or whatever was like, yo, like she's mine, you know, type. Yeah. It's like I'm a hundred percent your now tonight. Tonight. I mean, I tell you this, and he's in there 100%. Like, do not say, oh, this is my. Like, I wasn't going to with her anyway. Like, we were just dancing. Relax. But you going to make it a thing. And what you do do you end up going home with it? Hell yeah, I did. Hell yeah.

[Christina P.]

Hold on.

[Tom Segura]

That was a long time ago.

[Christina P.]

You're not afraid that. That Guy's gonna find you and get into fights and do what? Fight you Fight. You be like, kill. You come with a gun to your house.

[Tom Segura]

Do it.

[Christina P.]

Wow.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah. This is. What's his handle? What? Liker. For real? On God. On underscore God. He likes to say on God. Oh. Oh, talker for real. Oh, talker for real. Oh, God. Just missing a letter or something. Okay. Yeah, he definitely.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, he definitely is.

[D]

Tell me this. Why is it a girl is your dream girl until you smell her take.

[Christina P.]

A. Oh, my God.

[D]

Take a. You'd be like, oh, she ain't that fine. It takes away a lot. A lot. Tell me I'm lying. Tell me I'm capping. You smelled your girl. Take a big before.

[Christina P.]

Have you smelled me? Take a.

[Tom Segura]

Not really.

[Christina P.]

Have you smelled it?

[Tom Segura]

Not really. Here he is.

[Christina P.]

How is he?

[Tom Segura]

Smelling the big talker for real. Underscore on God.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, that's a great handle.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he puts out content a lot.

[Christina P.]

Good for him. He's very good, though. I like his thoughts.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Here's another one of any of these inner thoughts right here.

[D]

No matter how much we do for a woman, no matter how much we give them hoes, them 300 fold, them thoughts, it'll never be enough. They can't even give themselves enough. They never content, they never satisfied, they're never thankful, they never grateful, they never appreciate. If they do that, wear off.

[Christina P.]

Is that true, Annie?

[Tom Segura]

No, that one's kept. Okay. Oh, why?

[Christina P.]

Tell me why.

[Tom Segura]

I mean, I'm going to take a wild guess and assume that this nigga is very unhealthy and toxic to be around. You know, just not a good vibe, as they say. And then he's. He considers, like, answering a phone call being, like, I did so much for you. Like, I was so busy. I answered that phone. Yeah, you don't like me no more? Like, damn, bro. Okay, so there's. I mean, there's a little bit of balance here in any.

[Christina P.]

I see what you're saying, because this guy reminds me. This guy shares my father's philosophies in many ways, right?

[Tom Segura]

Like, I think this is my father.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, I think it is. You and I have the same dad. We might be related anyway, but this is exactly my father. What you're saying about, like, oh, come on, man. I called you, didn't I? Like, didn't I fucking show up last weekend? Didn't we talk this week? Like, same year? I think he's on.

[Tom Segura]

What do you want?

[Christina P.]

Like, in my dad's mind just showing up is a big deal. Or like, calling a bitch back is a big deal. Like, you're lucky I even graced you with my presence.

[Tom Segura]

That's a. That's a classic move. You make them think that bare minimum is you put an effort out. Yeah. That's when they are appreciative because you're doing nothing. You're just like, yeah, I called you yesterday. Why the fuck aren't you on my dick? What do you mean? Yeah, yeah.

[Christina P.]

But then on the other hand, about.

[D]

Lying to these hoes, I always lie to him right off. Rip. I'm broke. So soon before they start the I'm broke. I'm unemployed now. Let's start right there. We could build on that.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, this is definitely my father.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. A thousand.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, he's got some other good ones.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, this is my dad.

[Tom Segura]

He's got some good ones.

[D]

Why y'all being sweet to a. And all kind and nice and trying to figure out this. Y'all trying to tell her what you think she want to hear. I tell that what she don't want to hear. Oh, you are replaceable. Replaceable little. Cause I'm him going on with you. You're replaceable.

[Christina P.]

Yep.

[D]

You're not special. You're not unique. You can't count on me. I'm not reliable. You can't depend on me, and I can't count on you, and you're not reliable, and I can't depend on you. On, bro.

[Tom Segura]

But why don't they appreciate me?

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And then I don't know if your dad does this, but does he get really flattered when they start to get crazy and obsessive? Cuz, like, he'll with these women enough that they'll start going crazy. Oh. And then. But he's kind of like, she's so into me. Oh, my God.

[Tom Segura]

Like, he kind of likes it.

[Christina P.]

He loves it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Like, my. My dad definitely does, but he would never show it. Like, I. You just. I just know because I know him. But he would never, like, be like, oh, yeah, I like when you do that.

[Christina P.]

No, he doesn't say that. My dad will be like, oh, my God, can you believe how much she's so into me? Oh, God. Like, please go. Yeah, it's so annoying.

[Tom Segura]

She showed up in the night and she had the knife in her hands.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. Yeah. Or like. Or like, if a woman would threaten suicide over him, he's very secretly flattered by it. Like, can you believe it? She's going to kill herself.

[Tom Segura]

That is so sad.

[Christina P.]

That's not sad. I hope she doesn't care. Doesn't.

[Tom Segura]

I guess I have this effect on the women.

[Christina P.]

That's exactly the thinking. That's exactly the thinking. Because Right. The broken that this guy is going to attract are totally on that.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, they're definitely going to play the game.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. The nice thing is this guy has an endless well of these and we will be playing them every week. Now, I know you've been missing it.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

How about some tick tocks?

[Christina P.]

Oh, man. Finally, dude.

[Tom Segura]

Finally, dude. Finally. Here we go.

[Christina P.]

The best drink would probably be a sprite with a snack. And then all of a sudden, you just let a big monster burp rip. My name is Kimberly Winter, one of seven pointers, and I hold the world record for the women's loudest burp. I've always been told that I was the loudest burper anyone's ever heard. One time I got kicked out of a bar just for one burp. A lot of people are disgusted at the dinner table. My mom hated when I burped, but I started recording my burp on Tik Tok and it really took off.

[Tom Segura]

The music is unreal. This is like an Olympian. Like, I worked harder and I got up at 4 in the morning and.

[Christina P.]

I trained a lot of my fans like me to birth their name. My audience grew really fast. So just be yourself, because you never know how many people out there are going to enjoy you for just being you. So triumphant.

[Tom Segura]

And you didn't like that either. I could tell. Like, who the. Nobody does. Man, I love this.

[Christina P.]

Kimberly, we've been dming. Listen, here's the deal, man.

[Tom Segura]

You know, she reminds me a lot of. Who? My cousin Janette.

[Christina P.]

Oh, for sure. This is a type of girl.

[Tom Segura]

Jeanette burps like this.

[Christina P.]

Of course. And. And so was Kiffany. In my high school, there was a girl named Kiffany who could rip. Yeah, I know. It was weird. Tiffany McKay, you. You give her a Dr. Pepper and she could burp the Alphabet. There's just a special girl in one every thousand million that. That is this. And Kimberly, we've been dming. I love her so much. This is such a talent. She went on America's Got Talent.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

And was like, I'm gonna sing a Lady Gaga song. And then she starts singing. She's like, oh, my God. Excuse me. And then she started ripping and ripping and ripping. It's really funny. Very funny. I love you, Kimberly. I asked her to do some videos, but then we lost touch because I went to England. Tik Tok is getting banned in the US So I made Christina P this one last final thank you, Tik Tok video for all the curations you've done over the past few years. Thank you. We love you. I love you. Keep them high and tight.

[Tom Segura]

Enjoy.

[Christina P.]

Hey, can you. Heather needs to trim this up for my socials. We got those mother's day stuff coming up.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know if this is gonna have the same effect.

[Christina P.]

She looks great in atomic red.

[Tom Segura]

No, she looks great. I don't know if this is gonna promote sales the way you think it will. I love it.

[Christina P.]

I don't care. She's so talented. Oh, she looks great. Kimberly.

[Tom Segura]

That was pretty great.

[Christina P.]

Kimberly. Hero. Oh, you know, she's very pretty, too. She's stunning. She's talented. What can't she do?

[Tom Segura]

I mean, not.

[Christina P.]

She's out there being herself. I love it. Oh, Kimberly.

[Tom Segura]

Way to go, Kimberly.

[Christina P.]

All these women out there are like, I'm myself. I'm just out here slaying and being myself. But Kimberly's really doing it.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, Manuel.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah, I bet by slow.

[Christina P.]

Yeah. And they're not. They're just pretending to be, like, the hot girl. Kimberly 100 is herself. I love it. It's my kind of gal. Remember?

[Tom Segura]

Remember? Oh, my God.

[Christina P.]

We. We played that. The pelt that you can make your golden retriever into a pelt. This person stuffed their Chihuahua. It's been on their fireplace mantle since 2010.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, Jesus.

[Christina P.]

It's all creepy.

[Tom Segura]

It's freaking me out. I don't like it.

[Christina P.]

Why not?

[Tom Segura]

Because it's their dead dog. I don't like it. What?

[Christina P.]

You don't like your dog? I've collected my fingernails for six years, and here's why. Back in 2019, I decided to start.

[Tony Johns]

Biting my fingernail and then keeping them.

[Christina P.]

In a ziploc bag that I put.

[Tony Johns]

Inside my desk drawer just in case. In 2020, I started keeping them in this little jar. Now, there's a lot of misinformation about fingernails. It's actually better to keep them in a jar instead of a bag.

[Christina P.]

Every couple weeks, I let my nails grow out my teeth and then put.

[Tom Segura]

Them in the jar.

[Tony Johns]

Ever since I started doing this, I've never once had a nail biting session where they didn't go into the jar. Every single nail is accounted for.

[Tom Segura]

Even when I've had to travel, I'd.

[Tony Johns]

Pack a small size.

[Christina P.]

Sweating, I returned home, I'd add them to the dry. The answer is simple.

[Tony Johns]

As you can see, every single nail Is very white and clean.

[Tom Segura]

Like bone. Bones. Like bones.

[Christina P.]

He got it. Got it.

[Tony Johns]

There's absolutely never any dirt under.

[Tom Segura]

My eyes are watering.

[Christina P.]

Yeah, it's cuz he bites the. Oh was hard.

[Tom Segura]

Here's the interesting thing though. Isn't it interesting how the nail in and of itself on his finger as it's attached to him. You just go, whatever. The idea of the removing it and collecting it started to make me feel nauseous.

[Christina P.]

I don't like that clip. Like that image of it dangling that he's nibbled it and it's dangling. It's going to go in the jar.

[Tom Segura]

It's the jar. Makes me want to throw the fuck off ever.

[Tony Johns]

I'm not.

[Tom Segura]

He didn't say why though. What's the why?

[Christina P.]

I don't garbage tickler or anything.

[Tom Segura]

I'm pretty hygienic.

[Tony Johns]

And as you can see, the jar.

[Tom Segura]

Is getting pretty full. So. Yeah, I got it to upgrade size. So it's just a never ending collection.

[Christina P.]

Wait, is that a deal breaker if I start keeping.

[Tom Segura]

Yes. That's disgusting. I don't want that. No.

[Christina P.]

You know, in Indian culture it's bad. I can't even look at this. You're not. You should not keep your nail clippings. My Indian stepdad used to burn his in the fireplace. It's just believed it's bad luck to leave like parts of your body laying around. It's like bad spirits will take it or something.

[Tom Segura]

I'm really going to get do that.

[Christina P.]

You don't want to do that. So good.

[Tom Segura]

I'm not even that guy. Looks like Bert.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

This is seriously Bert's next video, Lane. This is.

[Christina P.]

This is what he shares. He's always sharing everything.

[Tom Segura]

You know what he did at dinner?

[Christina P.]

What?

[Tom Segura]

Dude, we're at a steakhouse and he's like, I'm keto. But I just got off keto. I'm like, you're keto? And they put a big thing of bread out of the oven. Warm bread and butter. He's like, I guess I'm gonna off keto tonight. I'm like, huh? And he. He cuts a big piece of butter, puts the butter in his mouth and then takes the bread and I made my.

[Christina P.]

I'm gonna throw up. That's the stupidest way anybody's ever eaten. I feel sick.

[Tony Johns]

And before you mop my breathing.

[Tom Segura]

I have an incurable lung disease. That's also a bird thing. Holy. It's just you eating toast. That's the video why.

[Christina P.]

And I think there's Marmite on there. Or Vegemite. What? Oh, no, it's just butter. Okay, but who doesn't like bread with toast? And butter is like the best thing in the world.

[Tom Segura]

I think you could just make a video saying, I love toast with bread and with butter. I don't think you need to do this and listen to your incurable lung disease. God.

[Christina P.]

Oh, nunchuck. Yeah. This guy's r. Badass. Yeah, he is.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tom Segura]

That's just freaking taste. You don't show everybody everything. This is something Ellis could do for sure. Yeah, this is.

[Christina P.]

This guy is perfect.

[Tom Segura]

Hey, I need this video. Can you send me this video? Thank you.

[Christina P.]

For what? My kids.

[Tom Segura]

No, I'm just going to share it with some people.

[Christina P.]

With people.

[Tom Segura]

Just people, man.

[Christina P.]

Friends, you know. By the way, our sons found nunchucks.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

At the toy store. And I was like this.

[Tom Segura]

That's the beginning.

[Christina P.]

I go, listen, if this hits my head or one of your heads or the cat's head. Anybody's head. I'm taking them away. So far so good.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Cuz they're the, like the styrofoam ones.

[Christina P.]

Still each other because they're swinging them over their heads and it's gonna go down. They're gonna up our house with this.

[Tom Segura]

I love, by the way, that every day now.

[Christina P.]

Stupid nunchucks.

[Tom Segura]

When I get home, our nine year old boy, he takes his shirt off and he's like. He goes, look at me, dude. He goes, look at my traps. He goes, look at my biceps.

[Christina P.]

So jacked.

[Tom Segura]

And I go, yeah, you look good. He goes, I'm gonna be so jacked in high school. Yeah, dude, for sure, man.

[Christina P.]

Oh, yeah.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

He got the crazies. I don't even know why I panic so hard. It's okay. It's just hair.

[Tony Johns]

I mean. No, it's not. Are you ready?

[Tom Segura]

It's not.

[Christina P.]

It is just. Can I cry about it first?

[Tony Johns]

Totally.

[Christina P.]

Okay.

[Tony Johns]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Yeah.

[Tony Johns]

Are you feeling good about it?

[Christina P.]

I'm trusting the process.

[Tony Johns]

Okay. You ready?

[Christina P.]

I know if I leave with the same haircut I've had, I'm gonna be disappointed in myself. And it's like, time to do something new.

[Tony Johns]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Okay. Everything's fine. And we're all fine. We're all doing great. We're all doing great and everything's fine the whole time. It's okay. I won't take offense. She should cry now. That's bad. She definitely shouldn't have touched the hair. They shouldn't have touched the hair. That's a bad choice. Look how disappointed they are.

[Tom Segura]

She was deeply traumatized by a what happened? Haircut appointment.

[Christina P.]

Was that. What do you think? Is this the story?

[Tom Segura]

I don't know. I don't know. I mean, maybe there's like some social anxiety or something going on.

[Christina P.]

I don't know. But definitely they made a bad choice with this haircut.

[Tom Segura]

Well, the haircut's terrible. Whoever did the haircut should not have review. But I was more interested in the fact that she was just. Just like traumatized. Haircut appointment. But maybe she's just deeply troubled. Mentally ill. Maybe. I mean, maybe that's what we're dealing with.

[Christina P.]

No, that's not it.

[Tom Segura]

Most people don't sit down in a hair in a chair for a haircut and go pulled on a like. It's just. She's got some going on.

[Christina P.]

Oh, she's fine.

[Tom Segura]

I almost think you should actually shame the person making the videos for like, hey, man, maybe you don't put this one out. This lady's got some real issues getting a haircut. Such a wild ride on your talks today, newie. What is this.

[Christina P.]

Autumn? Just wait. That's Jasper.

[Tom Segura]

I got it.

[Christina P.]

Jasper the cat. That's Chloe the dog. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Ed.

[Christina P.]

Ed, that's really. Oh, Pekingese only to pug franken beans.

[Tom Segura]

What am I waiting for? You said just wait. Oh, okay. They just told me that they get gender affirming haircuts so they get a little emotional sometimes. See, context is important.

[Christina P.]

But here's the problem. I'm still not sure what gender they were at the end of that haircut cut. That's why I keep saying they. I don't know what we were affirming. I honestly do you know what they were trying to go for.

[Tom Segura]

You're not going to trap me in this game.

[Christina P.]

What they look like Masculine.

[Tom Segura]

Okay.

[Christina P.]

Women.

[Tom Segura]

I don't know what the is the the video for.

[Christina P.]

Just keep going with it.

[Tom Segura]

It's over. That video's over.

[Christina P.]

It's just nice animals.

[Tom Segura]

Oh, get the out of here.

[Christina P.]

You don't like animals?

[Tom Segura]

No, I was waiting for something to happen. You're like this Ed and Freddy and Chiquita.

[Christina P.]

Oh, this one. This guy is my new favorite. I knew you like this.

[Tom Segura]

Well, I showed this one to my mom.

[Christina P.]

You did? How special synergy.

[Tom Segura]

She. She was like, why is he wearing a mask? And I was like, that's not a mess. She's like, what?

[Christina P.]

But what is he saying?

[Tom Segura]

Most importantly, he was whispering it. I don't know. He said something about the Harris. The underwear, but I didn't hear what he was Saying, you want to hear it again?

[Christina P.]

He does all these. He just whispers to the pan. He's on his head. I don't want to see it again. Okay.

[Tom Segura]

Something with it. Amigos. Friends. My woman left me or she left this Sad.

[Christina P.]

I don't like his whispering.

[Tom Segura]

Now I'm smelling her underwear.

[Tony Johns]

Ah.

[Christina P.]

So the other wife, the woman left him and now all he has is the panties.

[Tom Segura]

But that's kind of cool.

[Christina P.]

It's romantic. Tom, would you. Do you do this when I leave, bro?

[Tom Segura]

On God. On, twin.

[Christina P.]

Yes. Would you do this?

[Tom Segura]

Yeah.

[Christina P.]

Why don't you ever get into my dirty.

[Tom Segura]

How do you know I don't do that?

[Christina P.]

I don't know. I wish you would.

[Tony Johns]

Right, Strike.

[Tom Segura]

Hell yeah, dude. Oh, boom.

[Tony Johns]

That's.

[Christina P.]

That's the tappy tappy. You didn't know the tappy tappy.

[Tom Segura]

That looks like a high level martial arts guy.

[Christina P.]

Of course it is. Yeah, of course.

[Tom Segura]

That's cool. Really, really interesting look. He's shaped like a pear.

[Christina P.]

Oh, I know. He. Yeah, he looks like a bottle of Tabasco.

[Tom Segura]

Yeah. Yeah, that's cool. About 320 pounds. Just kind of like. It's a tappy tappy. Well, you can't do. Sir. Just. Just to be clear. Yeah. Incapable of defending anybody from anything.

[Christina P.]

Do you want to see the animals again?

[Tom Segura]

Nope. I want to wrap this up and thank you guys for watching. Listen, it's my birthday. I'm going to go celebrate now. I'm going to go to a latex sex club and piss on fuck off so much. Charlize Theron's meeting me there.

[Christina P.]

I hate you, fist pig.

[Tom Segura]

I got to go. Don't forget, if your butthole doesn't work, you got to find something else to do in your life. Happy birthday. Thank you, Tom. Thank you.

[Christina P.]

Thank you, Tom.

[Tom Segura]

See you guys later. Bye bye. Please tell the audience so I can have record that you're impressed with my water consumption. So who's the water champ? You're the water champ. You've been the water champ. Or as long as I've known you. Pound in the water. Pound in the water. You've been the water champ. Or as long as I've known you. Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ. Pound in the water. Pound in the water. Let's go, let's go, let's go, water champ. Pound in the water. Pound in the water. That's what I'm talking about. Current water champion Tom gets it running away. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

[Tony Johns]

Water champ.

[Tom Segura]

Pound in the water. Pound in the water. You are the water champ.

[Tony Johns]

Pound in the water.

[Tom Segura]

Pound of the water.

[Tony Johns]

Water down, water champ.

[Tom Segura]

You're drinking that much water as it.

[Tony Johns]

Drinks water and pee water and peace.

[Tom Segura]

At the same time. Sometimes he's peeing while he's drinking. Oddly enough, my wife also competed. She came last. You ever seen New Yorker drink water? Just my overwhelming urge to consume more water. You don't understand, current water champion.

[Tony Johns]

You don't understand water champ. Water champ.

[Tom Segura]

You understand, current water champion.

[Tony Johns]

You understand, water champ.

[Tom Segura]

Water champ. I just kept drinking and no one said a word. Pound the water. Pound of water. Let's go.

[Tony Johns]

Let's go.

[Tom Segura]

Let's go, water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Is this technically water too? So let's go. Let's go. Let's go, water champ. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, water champ. People would discuss like who's the water champ?

[Tony Johns]

On that note, that's Go, go, water champ.

[Tom Segura]

Kill two of those and there's four.

[Tony Johns]

16 ounces water.

[Tom Segura]

So why the water champ? I've never seen someone drink so much water during such a short. Let's go, water champ. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go, water champ. Pound the water. Pound the water. Let's go. Let's go.

[Tony Johns]

Let's go, water champ.

[Tom Segura]

Pound the water. Pound the water. Let's go, water champ. Let's go, water champ. Just a madman.