Topping From The Bottom w/ Ian Fidance | Your Mom's House Ep. 847

Summary

Your Mom's House Ep. 847: "Topping From The Bottom" with Ian Fidance

Release Date: February 18, 2026
Host: Christina Pazsitzky (Christina P.)
Guest Host: Ian Fidance
Absent: Tom Segura

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EPISODE OVERVIEW

This episode features comedian Ian Fidance sitting in for Tom Segura alongside Christina P. The dynamic is candid, hilarious, and often deeply vulnerable, with the duo diving into mental health, sexuality, unconventional life experiences, and TikTok weirdness. The conversation moves from dark early traumas through wild sexual histories, genuinely thoughtful discussions on emotional growth, and the (absurd) landscape of viral videos. It’s a quintessential YMH episode: raw, unfiltered, and consistently funny.

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KEY DISCUSSION POINTS & INSIGHTS

1. Dark Childhoods and Mental Health

• Suicide Attempts

  • Both Christina and Ian open up with honest accounts of their adolescent struggles with depression and suicide.
  • Christina shares:

    "I was 14. ... My parents are immigrants from Hungary. ... My mother’s schizophrenic, my dad’s an alcoholic sex addict. I was ping pong between the two of them. So by the time I’m 14, I’m out of my mind, of course. ... I did what most girls do is the cutting stuff. And then one day I just...had a total psychotic break." (00:34)

  • Ian reciprocates, explaining the attention-seeking nature behind his own attempt after his father's death and how early therapy and fighting became outlets for his pain:

    "It was such a ‘I want attention’ attempt. ... I had scissors in my hand so I could cut it out, so it’s like, clearly, I didn’t fully want to do it. ... Then therapy, fighting kids all the time, that changed it. I could take my anger out on other people." (01:23)

• The Role of Family and Generational Trauma

  • The two reflect on how previous generations simply survived, passing down unresolved issues, and how therapy is more normalized now (07:16):

    “We’re the first generation to be, like, oh, emotions! Not hitting a stick. Therapy for later in life. ... Everyone else before was just ... monosyllabic.” (Ian, 07:24)

• Reframing Parental Guilt

  • Christina says:

    "You think you’re terrible, but you’re not. ... Because you and I both are these suicidal teenagers. ... I was bad because my parents just didn’t know how to handle what the fuck was happening." (05:16)

  • Ian describes discovering his deceased father's letters, which emphasized unconditional love and self-acceptance—a message he didn’t fully receive as a child but found healing in later (05:41):

    "Every single letter was like, just be yourself and everything will be okay. We love you no matter what. ... It helped me so much later in life."

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2. Fluid Sexuality & Comedy About Queerness

• Ian’s Bisexuality & Experiences

  • Candid discussion about honestly exploring one's sexuality, discomfort with labels, and the specificity of attraction (14:46, 18:11, 32:35):

    "I'm bisexual. ... I guess I am, like, ancillarily involved in this lifestyle, and love is love, and you should be able to be with who you want." (Ian, 13:51)
    "When I, like, love a trans woman, I'm not, like, acting out. I'm just like, no, this is ... a person." (18:14)

• Bottoming, Cleaning Out, and Sexual Hygiene

  • The duo riff on explicit topics, including the preparation required for anal sex across genders:

    "It’s so much work for, like, minimal reward ... I don’t think so, Delonte. ... It’s so much work." (Ian, 15:19)

• Internet Culture, Shame, and the Effects of Overexposure

  • Ian admits the internet would have crushed him as a teenager and laments the loss of healthy shame:

    "If I grew up during the Internet ... I would have been cyber bullied to death. ... There's zero sense of shame now, which I think we had a healthy dose of." (14:39)

• Monogamy & Bi Stereotypes

  • Ian clarifies:

    "Just because you are [bi], that doesn’t mean if you’re in a relationship with an opposite-sex person, you’re going to be like, ‘Well, I’m gonna cheat on you with a guy.’ That’s not how it is." (36:10)

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3. Guru Culture, Celebrity Creeps, and Scandals

• Epstein Files and Public Figures

  • Christina and Ian riff on the absurdity and darkness of celebrities rumored to be in the Jeffrey Epstein files:

    "Could you imagine ... Deepak Chopra allegedly is on the list. ... Could you imagine that fucking snooze fest being your mother?" (20:00)
    “They're all, everybody gets a kid. You get a kid, and you get a kid, there's one under your chair.” (Ian, 21:03)

• Fraudsters in Spirituality

  • On why real spiritual leaders don’t seek followers or cults:

    "A true spiritual awakening is recognizing that you have the ability to help other people. ... To make yourself out to be something is the antithesis of having a spiritual awakening." (Ian, 24:07)

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4. TikTok Hellscape & Viral Video Commentary

• Trans Women’s Sex Drive, Cleanliness, and Sex Therapy

  • Watching, dissecting, and joking about a TikTok featuring a trans woman candidly discussing her sexual health (27:02–30:02).

• Needle Play and Body Modification

  • The panel is fascinated and repulsed by a TikTok showing temporary body art using rows of needles:

    "What the fuck am I looking at? ... That's not for the needles ... Can you look in the comments to see if that's how they made it stick up like that? That's crazy." (Ian, 55:46)
    Discussion about pain-seeking, ritual, and the fine line between trauma and art (58:42).

• Old Man Bodybuilder, TikTok Pranks, and Generational Gaps

  • Christina is convinced an aging muscle-daddy TikTok is aimed at women, Ian corrects her:

    "Honey, I don’t think he’s looking for women, okay?" (Ian, 38:36)

• Gross-Out Videos: Egg in Mouth, Tooth Clipping, Weird Eating

  • Cycle of reactions to viral videos including a grandma being pranked with a raw egg in her mouth and a guy cutting his teeth with nail clippers. Christina delights in the gross-out, Ian recoils but plays along.

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5. Honest Relationship Talk & Moral Questions

• Cheating Neighbor on Ring Cam

  • The duo debate whether to tell someone their partner is cheating based on a nosy neighbor’s video:

    "Getting involved in people's relationships is ... no bueno. Just let them handle it." (Ian, 62:17)

• Dating Tips & Self-Acceptance

  • Ian, on dating out of his league:

    “Any human that I pull, your jaw will be on the floor by how much I’m batting out of my league… I’m just myself.” (32:26)

• Body Preferences & Scent

  • Preferences between men and women, humorously:

    "I love smells. ... Go to the gym, don't shower, sit on my face. But if I get a whiff of one odor from a man, I'm like, get the fuck out. ... I like my men like hairless dolphins." (Ian, 35:00)

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6. Ian’s New Show & Life Updates

• "Ian Do: An Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs"
  • Ian promotes his new comedic travel/work reality show, sharing stories of odd jobs he’s attempted all over the country (from pet grooming to tattooing, being a pit boss, meeting “real Americans”).

    "Every week I'm in different towns across the country doing stand up comedy. ... I get you to teach me how to do your job." (Ian, 11:50, 72:25)

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MEMORABLE QUOTES & MOMENTS (W/TIMESTAMPS)

• "He [Jesus] fucking did, dude. He fudgeing did.” – Christina recounting Catholic school saving her sanity (01:09)
• “You can just talk the gay out of people. Yeah, it works.” – Christina, mocking conversion therapy (03:27)
• "I could take my anger out on other people. So I was, like, fighting kids all the time." – Ian, on childhood rage (01:29)
• “You have to be a piece of shit before you had the money and power.” – Christina, on celebrity scandal culture (23:25)
• “Why would God put a water park next to a rollercoaster if He didn’t want you to ride rides?” – Ian on anal experimentation (30:45)
• “If I grew up during the Internet ... I would have been cyberbullied to death. ... God, we had a 56k and it would always go out.” – Ian (14:39)
• "Just because I'm bi doesn't mean I have no standards." – Ian, on DM creepers (43:46)
• “I love that this is ... That's why I married Tom Segura ... I was attracted to the psycho guy that clips his nails.” – Christina on her 'type' (70:33)

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NOTABLE TIMESTAMPS

• 00:34 Christina’s adolescence and suicide attempt
• 01:23 Ian’s suicide attempts after losing his father
• 05:41 Ian’s reflection on father’s letters emphasizing self-acceptance
• 13:51 Ian on being bi and sexual fluidity
• 14:39 Loss of healthy shame, internet's effect on childhood
• 32:35 Ian’s strategy for dating out of his league
• 35:00 Sex and scent: “I like my men like hairless dolphins.”
• 43:46 Ian addresses bi stereotypes and DMs
• 55:46 Needle play TikTok, art and pain crossover
• 62:17 Debating whether to inform someone about a cheating spouse
• 72:25 Ian talks about “Ian Do: An Odd Guy Doing Odd Jobs”

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TYPICAL YMH ENERGY: RAW, VULNERABLE, AND HILARIOUS

This episode is a mashup of deeply personal stories, sexual honesty, playful shock humor, generational reflection, and head-shaking viral video dares. The banter is affectionate but never afraid to push boundaries or make each other squirm, with Christina’s parental perspective clashing hilariously with Ian’s open, alternative lifestyle.

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For Anyone Who Missed It:
This episode of Your Mom’s House is a whirlwind of dark humor, authentic vulnerability, and relentless riffing on TikTok’s strangest corners. Ian Fidance is a perfect guest to keep the show both heartfelt and unhinged, and the episode delivers both the laughs and the “what did I just hear?” moments that define YMH.

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End summary.

Transcript

[Ian]

Well, welcome. Welcome to your mom's house. So. And then I was like, we can just roll.

[Christina P]

Let's just start. Yeah, just keep talking. So sorry. So say what you're saying and then I'll do the intro about alcohol.

[Ian]

No, I was just saying I was. I was gonna kill myself in 1997 and then you interrupted. It's fine. How are you, man? It's so good to see you.

[Christina P]

97, you're gonna kill yourself.

[Ian]

No, no, no, I. No. Have you ever tried?

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah, yes.

[Ian]

How old were you?

[Christina P]

YMH exclusive. I'll tell you the story. I was 14. And you know, my mother, I was. My parents are immigrant from Hungary. Long story short, they divorced. My mother's schizophrenic, my dad's an alcoholic sex addict. And I was ping pong between the two of them. So by the time I'm 14, I'm out of my mind, of course. So I did what most girls do is the cutting stuff. And then one day I just. I had like a total psychotic break. Like a break. And I had a nervous breakdown and I was like, just blood, blood, blood.

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then my mom sent me to Catholic school and then I was right as rain.

[Ian]

And then Jesus saved.

[Christina P]

He fucking did, dude. He fudgeing. Did.

[Ian]

Did you become like super into God?

[Christina P]

No, no, I think I'm into that stuff now. More like spirituality, not Christianity, but I believe in a God. Yes.

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

I was always led back. What about you? So tell me your suicide attempt.

[Ian]

Well, you know, my dad died in 93. I was 8 and was like forced to go to therapy and all this stuff. And so then like. Yeah, cuz it was like, what do you do with this kid that's like going insane, you know, no one knew what to do with me. And I was bouncing around a lot between different like family members, houses and everything and. And I. It was like, it was such a. I want attention attempt, you know. I think I was like 13 and I tied a bathrobe belt around my neck and the door handle and I just ran and wow. I had scissors in my hand so I could cut it out. So it's like clearly something I didn't fully want to do it, you know. And then like one time going to therapy, I was with my mom and my grandfather and we had just left and I jumped out in front of a car.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Ian]

It was like. And then I. I don't think God saved me. I'm trying to think of what saved. I don't know, I. I just like thought I guess, like, I don't want this guy up there looking down on me and seeing me, like, you know, being so miserable.

[Christina P]

Your father, like, yeah.

[Ian]

And then. And then actually around the same time, I started getting, like, a lot of fights. So I think that changed it. I was like. I could take my anger out on other people. So I was, like, fighting kids all the time when I was in, like, grade school.

[Christina P]

Man, I don't see. I see you as a lover, not a fighter.

[Ian]

I am now. Yeah, I am now very angry. But I was. I mean, even when I was. When I was drinking, like I said, it unlocked the. This emotion valve in me that I didn't have before. So I could, like, feel because I would bottle everything up. And then, like, once a year, I'd have, like, a blowup. And then it finally, like, was a release valve where I could be sad or I could be angry, and then I would just get drunk and, like, knock drinks out of people's hands, be like, fight me just so I could, like, feel and, like, get anger out, you know? But I'm. I'm very much like a lover. And I. I recognize I was dealing with, like, a lot of stuff that thankfully I've, like, dealt with. And, you know, conversion therapy helped a lot for my homosexuality. I. The blood of Christ is saved.

[Christina P]

That's what I hear is that you can just talk the gay out of people. Yeah, it's like, well, duh, it works.

[Ian]

Have you seen those Instagram videos of those guys that are like, I'm a gay Christian, but I do not act out. And then like, three months later, they're like, I'm actually am gonna act out, but I'll only do it with one partner at a time. It's like, it's only a matter of time. You to your sultry ways.

[Christina P]

Like, I don't think. I don't think God cares what orifice you're putting your penis into or rubbing.

[Ian]

Your God doesn't care, but your mom's side of the family does. And they will really let you know at an early age those things you're feeling and coincidentally they bring up that are wrong. They'll let you know, Uncle Danny.

[Christina P]

I know. Isn't that weird? Like, that's the cause of so much neuroses is just like, we don't approve of who you are as this young person, and you're like, wait, I'm fucked up? Or even like, you're fucked up.

[Ian]

Offhanded comment. Yeah, that'll just, like, ring around in your brain forever. That's why I'm, like, so worried about. I don't know if I want to have kids. I really don't think so. But I'm just so worried about this little sponge picking up on some behavior thing. I'm thinking, like, I could get away with talking like this for a couple, and then they just pick it all up.

[Christina P]

They do.

[Ian]

What have I done?

[Christina P]

They pick up. There's a part that's uniquely them. Thank God, that you just. You have nothing to do with. Yeah, and then there is, but it can be fun. Like, I've actually had fun with it. Like now those Waymo cars. I just started teaching them to double bird the Waymo cars. And that's like a fun thing they're gonna remember with their mom.

[Ian]

Yeah. You know, I like that.

[Christina P]

Stargazing. Things like that. Like, let's go look for UFOs. Like, I don't know. Here's the deal. Is that you think you're terrible, but you're not. Does that make sense?

[Ian]

Like, what do you mean?

[Christina P]

Like, you're so worried about Pat. Like, I say you. I should just say me. I was so worried that, like, I would pass on my crazy or my fucked upness to my kids. And it's like, well, because you and I both are like these suicidal teenagers. So I think that the messaging was. I was bad because my parents just didn't know how to handle what the fuck was happening. Really? Yeah. So I took it like, oh, I must be flawed.

[Ian]

Well, I.

[Christina P]

You're like, you're not that bad.

[Ian]

My messaging from, like, my mom. And, you know, like I said, my dad died when. When I was 8. But he left me before he went to work. Every day for like a year or two before he died, he'd write these notes, like these letters on legal pad to me. And then the PS Would always be like, thanks for the coffee, dear. Make sure you get the electric bill. You know, like my. And my mom loves, like, joking around about, like, he. I was always. The P.S. i'm like, I don't know what to tell you. But, you know, he wrote me these letters and I never knew it. And then I saw it years. A couple years ago, rereading them and the messaging and the letters. The entire every sing letter was like, just be yourself and everything will be okay. We love you no matter what. As long as you. As long as you're Ian, everything will be fine. It's. It's all in your attitude. Actions speak louder than words. Like these. Like this messaging that I needed so badly. Growing up that I never really got from him. I got in death by reading these letters. It helped me so much later in life. But the. The up, like, you're wrong messaging came from, like, other family members because I got put, like, moved around a lot. So I would get the. Like. I remember my uncle at his house in New Hampshire was like, the neighbors are gay. If you go on their lawn, you'll catch it. And in my mind, I'm like, did I sleepwalk? Like, how did I. Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

I've been doing cartwheels.

[Ian]

Oh, yeah, Yeah. I just like doing splits. I'm like, don't look at me, Uncle Bill.

[Christina P]

But you realize it's Uncle Bill's problem with gays. It's nothing to do with you. Yeah, they don't know how to do it. And that's the thing. Thing. It's like, so weird.

[Ian]

It's such a weird thing how you realize later in life, like, oh, I'm not up.

[Christina P]

No. They didn't know how to deal with who you are. That's all that is.

[Ian]

I feel this is the first generation of people that are within, like, 10, maybe 15 years of our age. We're the first generation to be like, oh, emotions not hitting. I know. Therapy for later in life. And then everyone else before was just like this monosyllabic.

[Christina P]

Yeah, yeah.

[Ian]

Crazy.

[Christina P]

Well, and you have to think, like, I think in my. My terms, there's like World War I, World War II, and my parents are European. Right. They're Hungarian. So not. You have just generations of people getting in society, like, World War I, World War II, the communist, the Nazis. The Communists. It's just like, they didn't have a chance to sit down and think. It was just survival. Survival. So we're the first gen. At least I'm the first generation to be here now and being like, all right, cool. I got this food thing down. I got clothes down.

[Ian]

I gotta give yourself credit for that.

[Christina P]

No.

[Ian]

Why would I do that and be like, crazy?

[Christina P]

That would involve self love off. We don't do that here.

[Ian]

Yes, we do. Yes, we do.

[Christina P]

We're not doing that. Yes. Okay, look, we have to get into the show. Thank you for being here, Ian.

[Ian]

Thank you for having me. This is great.

[Christina P]

So you just started a new podcast on our network.

[Ian]

It's not a podcast. It's like a TV show. Yeah, it's a travel show called Ian do and Our Guy Doing Odd Jobs. You just walked in on one Chrissy, God bless you. She walks in on me wrapping up a day where I'm shaving dogs and cats and I'm like, we still got the shears. You want to come in? You slowly walked out like cat. I was like, get out of here.

[Christina P]

Well, I can't wait to talk about it. Tom Segura is out. He is Filming Bad Thoughts 2 in Los Angeles right now. So Ian has graciously decided to come and help me host the show. So without further ado, let's go into our opening clip. We haven't even done it yet. This one is just for you and so excited. Dude. Bro. I've got so many treasures for you, homie. Here we go, bro.

[Ian]

You know, I swallowed six loads on the weekend and it had three grams of protein. Welcome to Bottoming University. We're talking about foods to avoid on the day of bottoming. Fried greasy food. Your fast food. You want to avoid that gonna make digestion unpredictable dairy. Unless you know your body can handle it. It's one of the biggest culprits for gas spicy food always Randy. Don't bring anyone mother into this. House.

[Christina P]

With Tom Segura and Fadan and Christina.

[Ian]

Welcome to your mom's house. I'm well done.

[Christina P]

You gotta wait.

[Ian]

Sorry.

[Christina P]

Need saxophone. Yeah. I didn't feel that. Oh, That was so good.

[Ian]

Thank you.

[Christina P]

Dude, do you play the guitar?

[Ian]

I did when I was younger. I was in a ska band.

[Christina P]

Sca. I love Scott music.

[Ian]

Me too.

[Christina P]

I feel like it's not cool.

[Ian]

No, it's always cool. If you don't like it, you're not cool. I like what you like.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

No shame. Yeah, dude. Littlest make a wish. Dream for me.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

My friend's band, Haywire, they're from Boston. They're really great. They played this festival called for the Children. They opened up with a cover of Mighty Money. Boston's impression that I get. Dickie Barrett came out and sang it with them and I was the ska dancing guy on stage. It was the best. It was cool.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

I should have bigger dreams.

[Christina P]

No. Mommy's behind the Jeans is taking a new form as a free weekly newsletter. For those of you who are missing the live stream with Josh Potter, this is a spiritual continuation of that content. It's our way to stay connected with you and share some of the things going on in the studio jeans world. This newsletter is going to include behind the scenes content dumps, and hopefully real dumps. Unfiltered thoughts from comedians, fan submissions, unseen drops that didn't make it to ymh, videos from the vaults, staff debates, debates, stupid haters, and just overall Dumb. It's completely free and will drop every Sunday at 12pm Eastern time. If you want to sign up, check out the link in the description. Try it out.

[Ian]

I'm just an odd guy doing odd jobs. I'll race you. I'm Ian Finance. Hey, how are you? And each week I'm in different towns across the country doing stand up comedy. And to keep me from rotting in my bed or putting a gun to my head, I get you to teach me how to do your job. Ian, do an odd guy doing odd jobs. YouTube.com Ian Finance Comedy Every Other Tuesday produced by YMH I got to rip a fart too, bro. Let it loose. Toot toot. I'll see you out there. How long you been.

[Christina P]

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[Ian]

I look, how do you know I'm queer? I'm with men, women, trans, I'm bisexual. I guess I am like ancillarily involved in this lifestyle and love is love and you should be able to be with who you want. But seeing this makes me be like, I think the Republicans were right. This is a diseased mind. Something is going on here. Why is it this? This? Remember we were like, this is the first generation where parents are understanding. It's like they were too understanding. This is not okay. You need to see God.

[Christina P]

Yes, I agree some because also there's no shame now there's, like, zero sense of shame, which I think we had a healthy dose of. So totally for them to be like, okay, here's what you need to do.

[Ian]

If I grew up during the Internet, the. The way it is now, like, I used to write poems. Like, I would have been cyber bullied to death. Are you kidding me? Like that? God. We had a 56k and it would always go out because I would have put crazy shit online. But this is like. This is. This is crazy.

[Christina P]

Wait, so is he right, though? Do you ever bottom?

[Ian]

No.

[Christina P]

You've never bottomed?

[Ian]

No, I have. I've. I have twice. It's not for me.

[Christina P]

Okay. So. But okay, because I've. Then I have questions like, you should clean your system out before you bottom.

[Ian]

Yeah, well, I think anyone should clean their system.

[Christina P]

I always do. Yeah, but I mean, do you give yourself. Did you give yourself enemas?

[Ian]

Well, that's the thing. It's so much work for, like, minimal reward to make this feel good. I don't think so, Delonte. Yeah, it's too much. It's so much work.

[Christina P]

But unless you enjoy bottoming the sensation of it.

[Ian]

Well, they. I. I bought them for a guy years ago, and I was like, never again. And I bought him for a gal. And I was like, you know, I. She deserves it. I hopped from the bottom. You know what I mean? Oh, I. Her with my ass.

[Christina P]

Oh, okay. Okay.

[Ian]

She got a groin injury.

[Christina P]

I see. I see. You were on top.

[Ian]

No. Oh, I was on the bottom.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Ian]

And she was me.

[Christina P]

Okay.

[Ian]

And I rocked her.

[Christina P]

Okay. You rocked her?

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Okay, cool. I think I understand myself.

[Ian]

Make eye contact with me when I tell you that.

[Christina P]

I, like. Because your world is like, oh, man. Like, you're. Don't take this the wrong way. I'm really into the Epstein files right now.

[Ian]

Can you do me a favor and back it up?

[Christina P]

Your name is not in there.

[Ian]

Can you back it up? Can you back it up on how you found a Venn diagram of that in me? Please explain. And don't look to the stars.

[Christina P]

I'm talking to the aliens, man. Okay, look. How do I put this? I think I'm not. Okay. There's a segment of my biggest thrill today, just so you know. My wildest thing is that I'm gonna have two cups of coffee today and, like, I might have a glass of wine.

[Ian]

Oh, no, that shit's not who I am now. This is, like, years ago. I'm, like, reformed.

[Christina P]

But I'm just saying, like. No, I know I know you're not.

[Ian]

Now, but I mean, like, now I'm getting too defensive. No.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

Like, I'm not shame out of my ass on the way here.

[Christina P]

I'm just saying that I did not admire. But I'm like, I'm so curious about people that just, sorry, let it rip this way that you do. Like, how do you do that? How are you? Like, I've just bought on this chick. She me and I dicked. And then I.

[Ian]

Lady, if I could figure it out, I. I would have. If I could just pick a side or a team, I would. If I. If God could come down and just give me a head injury to where I'm like, I'm fully straight now, I'd be greater. Like, you're fully gay, but, like, I don't know. It. It's kind of like the weather.

[Christina P]

But you do. Because I think I'm so what if.

[Ian]

You have that inside of you just haven't unlocked it yet.

[Christina P]

I tried in college. Like, I, I did. I did drugs in college. I did. I was in San Francisco in the 90s. Like, it was the, the best. Dude, I've done drugs. I've done. I tried to be a. I really did. I just think it's not in my.

[Ian]

Well, don't get it twisted.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

When I did that, I wasn't skipping around town on a high note, being like, I feel good, I feel great. I just called my mom. It was like, I just need a way to feel, not do drugs again.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah, you're acting out. So you're coming from a place.

[Ian]

I mean, I definitely am, like, attracted to that. To. Yeah. You like dudes, women, and. But I like feminine. I like feminine men. I like feminine trans women. I've dated men, women and trans. But, like, when I do stuff like that, it was. It was. I think that was, like, a form of acting out. But when I date, like a. When I, like, love a transfer, I'm not, like, acting out. I'm just like, no, this is. I like this person. It just so happens they're this thing, but. Emphasis on thing, but they're just this freak.

[Christina P]

But, like, I, I, I get it. I kind of get it. I kind of get it because it's all just skin and folds and nerve endings. Were you? No.

[Ian]

Well, then there you go. That's your answer.

[Christina P]

I fucking didn't have.

[Ian]

That's your answer. No. You get jocked around a little as a kid, and then you're like, oh, the governor's off on the crazy train.

[Christina P]

You know, Oh, I had to have been. You think so? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I mean, everything else fucking pretty much happened.

[Zolo]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

But, yeah. Gosh. Gosh. Okay. Okay. So what? Yeah, go ahead.

[Ian]

Can we go back to how you somehow correlated this to the Epstein files? That's a fun road to go down. Hey, so you've been with men, women and trans. You know, that serial pet Epstein kind of reminds me of, and then, God bless you, you're not on the list. Yeah, I know I'm not on the.

[Christina P]

List, but like, that. That, like, Wild party world is what I'm saying.

[Ian]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. You cannot say that. It's a Wild party world Party island. Oh, that delicious buffet of people. The baklana, flesh and fun. That lifestyle we wish we all lived. Yeah. Oh, now I know what you're talking about.

[Christina P]

Can you imagine, like, Deepak Chopra allegedly is on the list. And could you imagine that fucking snooze fest being your mother? Do you know what I mean? Having to listen to his bullshit before he fucking does whatever he does.

[Ian]

I'm honest. I want to be aboard of this rift train, but I need to buy a ticket first. And buy the ticket, you have to tell me who Deepak Chopra is.

[Christina P]

Oh, bring him up. So this is my favorite in terms of creeps that have been on this list.

[Ian]

He's a lot lighter of a skin color than I thought. Yeah, I thought he was like the conductor of the Darjeeling Limited. I didn't know he's.

[Christina P]

Doctor. So Deepak Chopra is like a self. Like a guru, one of these spiritual people. Great messaging about awakening and. And meditation. And Oprah really blew him up in like, the 90s and such. And didn't she blow up a couple.

[Ian]

People that turned out to be like, funky.

[Christina P]

Yeah. On the. On the alleged. Alleged Epstein island files. And she's on the alleged Epstein.

[Ian]

They're all, everybody gets a kid. You get a kid, and you get a kid, there's one under your chair.

[Christina P]

And by the way, there's one thing. Yeah, there's one thing too. Like, there's a. An email exchange between Atia and Epstein. 1700, right? Emails. And he's like, I didn't know. Or allegedly, I can't.

[Ian]

I didn't know this guy. Were these guys so busy getting by kids that they couldn't run a spell check on these emails? I don't understand. It's like, do they not. They know how to ship a kid to an island, but they don't know about the Oxford comma. It gets Crazy to me.

[Christina P]

I know. So, so Deepak again, like, wrote some good books, is. I. I just hate it when spiritual people, like the gurus, end up their following, which they always. Men always do. This.

[Ian]

Wasn't that about, like, the. Not the Raj niche? What was that? Wild, Wild Country? That documentary about the.

[Christina P]

I know you're talking this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This. These guys always bang their. Oh, no way. That guy.

[Ian]

Yeah, the free love cult. Wait, go down. What's it say? There's. There's, like, options for Netflix on the screen. I don't understand what's going on.

[Christina P]

I watch that guy's videos.

[Ian]

Yeah, the Raj Nish. Yeah. Yeah, that's. That's it. Yeah. I mean, I guess when you're in charge of a cult, you're so high on, like, everyone looking up to you that it's hard. I guess I can imagine. It's like, well, where. Let me go further. Let me go further, I guess.

[Christina P]

And, But. But you and I have a certain level of celebrity and, and resources, and, like, we don't abuse that. I don't.

[Ian]

No, I don't.

[Christina P]

Nothing. I do nothing.

[Ian]

Well, I think. I think money and power corrupts to, to, like, a level that, like, we couldn't even imagine. And I, I. And. And I'm so glad I can't imagine because I could never see myself going past that line, which I think there's a lot more good out there than bad, for sure. And right now, there's just such a microscope on bad. And it's just so sad that there's so much evil and horrible, horrendous things going on in the world, but there's so much more good than bad. And, like, I know no matter how much money, you know, I mean to brag, but no matter how much money I get, I don't think I could take advantage of people, you know?

[Christina P]

No, because it's not in your DNA. And I also think you have to be a piece of before you had the money and the power.

[Ian]

And I think you have to be some sort of sociopath to want to achieve that level that, like, you were kind of to begin with. You know what I mean? Like, these people are on a level of psychopathy that I could. Or psychopathy or whatever that I couldn't even imagine.

[Christina P]

But, like, can you even imagine? First of all, Ian, like, you're an enlightened master. You're like, I finally achieved. Oh.

[Ian]

Oh, this is imagine. Okay, sorry.

[Christina P]

I had the spiritual awakening. Like, isn't part of being spiritual and being awakened to not be inclined to create celebrity around the fact that you're.

[Ian]

Yeah, because they're all frauds.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

A true spiritual awakening is recognizing that you have the ability to help other people.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

That you have an ability to realize that you're nothing. And so to make yourself out to be something is the antithesis of having a spiritual awakening and being a leader. So, like, you're a fraud, you're a suspect. Like, if you, if you have a spiritual awakening, shouldn't it be to, like, help others not take advantage of do anything else?

[Christina P]

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[Trans Woman Guest]

Hi, you guys. I'm currently close to Central Park. I think I'm going to the little museum, but I got some chicken. Was going to go to Shake Shack, but damn. Just everything filled the up in this city. But it's like hibernation and everybody's trying to get the last piece of chicken.

[Ian]

It's crazy.

[Trans Woman Guest]

But I will say, the amount of dick in this city.

[Christina P]

And it's the.

[Trans Woman Guest]

Perfect time because my dick just started working again too.

[Ian]

Congrats.

[Trans Woman Guest]

And ever since I came back from la, I didn't take my medications for like two weeks.

[Ian]

Dude.

[Trans Woman Guest]

Now I'm shooting. Loved on the walls, the mirrors, my face, everywhere.

[Christina P]

Wait, Okay.

[Ian]

I can only get to my chin. God bless her for getting to the face. She's a real one.

[Christina P]

So she's, She's. She's. She has a D. You can say it. She's got it. She's trans. She has a dick. Sorry, so it's a guy.

[Ian]

What are you apologizing for?

[Christina P]

Who. But, but what does she take to blow loads? Wait, estrogen.

[Zolo]

Why?

[Ian]

Imagine the hormone replacement therapy and the estrogen, it. It basically kills your sex drive and kind of really makes it so that you can't get aroused anymore. So if you don't take it, you just get like a burnt.

[Christina P]

Like.

[Ian]

Have you ever been on antidepressants?

[Christina P]

Yeah, of course.

[Ian]

Did it affect your sex?

[Christina P]

Oh, thankfully.

[Ian]

I was on Zoloft. I. Sometimes I couldn't get hard, sometimes I couldn't come and I got off of it and now I'm like, I'm coming too fast. Let me just get a little chromosol off before I get some of this pussy. Yeah, but, yeah, I can imagine, like, her not taking her meds. Rock hard. Yeah.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Wow.

[Christina P]

Oh, right. So she goes back to being a dude.

[Ian]

Well, she's always like, has like the biology of a guy. Because she was born male at birth.

[Christina P]

Correct.

[Ian]

Now she's transitioned to be a woman.

[Christina P]

Correct. So she's got tits and she's taking estrogen to keep the feminizing. So I, I want to know what.

[Ian]

Okay, it's like, what do you want to know?

[Christina P]

I want to know what she's on. Like, how is this.

[Ian]

I mean, even though I've used trans women's penises as a microphone, I don't want to use that as a. As a soapbox to get up here. Preach.

[Christina P]

But like, again, like, what is she. What's the cocktail? Like, what do you take to keep your.

[Ian]

To.

[Christina P]

To get erections and have estrogen in your body?

[Ian]

I just don't know. I think this is like, I, I don't know if this is like across the board representative of like all people or trans people, but I think some of these videos are like very Beatty because she's like very attractive and it's like, oh, and then like, there's like a whole subculture of like Instagram thoughts that start videos out to like bait you in.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

And then like there's like hot Instagram trans girls and every video has to do with them, like being trans or having a dick because it gets like a bunch of guys like looking at stuff. But I think, like, I, I don't know about. I mean, I imagine it's the same as being on antidepressants. If you stop taking it, it's going to change your, your, your brain chemistry and everything, so things are going to like change.

[Christina P]

So is she your type? Would, would you date this lady? Sure. She's pretty, she's feminine.

[Ian]

Yeah. She likes chicken and shake shack. I'm down for that.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Everywhere.

[Trans Woman Guest]

Even the pigeons want to grab. But all I'm gonna say is I was talking to this fine surgeon earlier it today than this fine model. Just so many fine shits. Everything, everything. The only issue was I was lazy to get my ass the up and fill it with water and douche.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah, there's too much work.

[Ian]

Oh, you really picked these videos out for me?

[Christina P]

Yeah, because I can't.

[Ian]

I thought these are just random videos.

[Christina P]

No, no, this is hand selected, buddy. You're the only one. Come on.

[Ian]

Would it be so funny if in that video you just see me peek out like, hey, how you doing on the Forrest Gump of trans Instagram videos? Life is like a box of chocolates. You want to douche before you eat it.

[Christina P]

You definitely do. So do you. When you top, do you make them douche?

[Ian]

No.

[Christina P]

You're okay with poopy on your.

[Ian]

No, I think it's like common courtesy. I mean, even women take care of their now behind quarters.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

You know, I don't do butt stuff though.

[Christina P]

I'm very afraid of it.

[Ian]

No, no, I'm so. Why would God put a water park next to a roller coaster if you didn't want you to ride rides?

[Christina P]

H. That's what you tell chicks to.

[Ian]

Get them to do this.

[Christina P]

You're that guy, huh?

[Ian]

They're there for a reason. Yeah, well, no, I'm not. I'm not like a anal right away guy. No, no, I like butt stuff, like, but I'm not going to like. It's Like a. You. You wait a while.

[Christina P]

You know, you wait a while. Cuz that's like a year into the relationship. Yeah, no, a month. Sorry, I don't know.

[Ian]

What's your relationship? I'm getting into a relationship. Okay, baby, as you get older and.

[Trans Woman Guest]

Tired with life, you get tired of getting that whole, you know, watered and I've been celibate for like a month and a half.

[Christina P]

Oh.

[Trans Woman Guest]

So it's not that I'm doing it too much, it's just I'm healed. I can't go back to the streets, but I want to so bad. I might tonight I got a new.

[Ian]

Not after that.

[Christina P]

Meal me out. Damn. Okay.

[Ian]

Didn't you watch the video of that other guy?

[Christina P]

I know about what to do.

[Ian]

You know what we should do? Have you ever seen those pranks when one person calls an Asian a Chinese restaurant, the other person calls it and they order at each other. We need to do that with those two videos. He's like, no crazy food, no greasy foods. But I want the greasy food. No, I mean, like, I know I look like I, you know, work part time as a bridge troll, but I. You're adorable. No, you're doing women and everything that like, you know, it's like I. They're clean, you know.

[Christina P]

Who are you pulling? Better looking men or better looking women?

[Ian]

Any human that I pull your jaw will be on the floor by how much I'm batting out of my league.

[Christina P]

Really.

[Ian]

It's crazy.

[Christina P]

What's your secret for? For people listening. Tell me the secret.

[Ian]

I'm just myself.

[Christina P]

You think that's what it is? You're just openly who you are?

[Ian]

I. I mean, for better or worse, thorns and roses. I am who I am and I don't change or back away from anything, you know, whether it's. You're gonna agree with it or not. I try to live as righteously and true and authentic to myself as I can. And I think that attracts people. I mean, but I also had to really, really develop a personality.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

Because God did not bless me in the looks department.

[Christina P]

Oh, that's not true. But that's. I don't think so. I think. Think you're very.

[Ian]

No, I mean, I think I'm like very non. Traditionally handsome. But like coming up as like a kid when like you start to meet girls and stuff, like I was, you know, like criminally ugly. So I had to be like, can.

[Christina P]

We see some pictures of you as a young person? Or any teenage pictures of you?

[Ian]

I don't buy that her as a boy.

[Christina P]

I don't. I think you're very handsome. I don't see that.

[Ian]

I appreciate it.

[Christina P]

I think you think you're uglier than your.

[Ian]

A picture of me in sixth grade. Oh, yeah.

[Zolo]

Yeah.

[Ian]

See?

[Christina P]

You're so cute.

[Ian]

That kid has to make you laugh.

[Christina P]

I love him.

[Ian]

That kid loved Nirvana so much, I parted my hair in the middle because that's what Kurt Cobain did. I used to cut holes in my jeans and wear long underwear. Yeah, I love him.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he was a good sweetheart. Yeah.

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

And then that.

[Ian]

That was. Oh, that's me and my dad. And then that down there in the middle is when I ran cross country senior in high school.

[Christina P]

Oh, my gosh. Look at your hair.

[Ian]

I know.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Ian]

These have long, flowing locks.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Maybe you just lived in the wrong part of town, because I feel like all the boys I grew up with in the Valley. Your typical Valley Jewish kid. Right? Josh Zolo, 100. Yeah, I think I just grew up in the wrong town.

[Ian]

Was that a voice drop or did Zolo actually talk? That sounded like you hit a button. It was like, 100%. 100%.

[Christina P]

He here. He grew up in the Valley.

[Ian]

Let's see the valley 100 kosher.

[Christina P]

So he knows exactly.

[Ian]

I think I just looked different than everyone else around me. And I think that gave me a perception of like. Like, not being as attractive as everyone else, I guess. But I think that's very kind.

[Christina P]

But I do, like.

[Ian]

How long is Tom out of town?

[Christina P]

So long. It's so sad. It's a valent Valentine's Day this weekend. Buy my lipstick. If you haven't. For your. For your sweet. Don't you hate Valentine's Day?

[Ian]

I have a valentine. I could bring her the lipstick.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Ian]

Yeah, it's.

[Christina P]

You're with a lady right now.

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

So what is that? Like, do you. You gotta. Do you get grossed out by us and, like, our. Our smells and our periods and, like, you just, like, shift gears a little bit when you're with.

[Ian]

I love smells. I'm a huge pheromone guy. If I am with you and I like you, I want to live in your armpit. Go to the gym, don't shower, sit on my face. But if a guy. If I get a whiff of one odor from a man, I'm like, get the fuck out. Yeah, I don't mind hair with women, but if a guy has hair, I'm like, darnell, you need to leave. Darna, you need to go. I like my men. Like, hairless dolphins.

[Christina P]

Really?

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Do you okay, what about.

[Ian]

That's the thing. I'm like, I'm, I'm so you like fem? I like fem. Feminine. I like feminine. Men feminine. Women feminine. I, I, I, that's the thing. Everyone's like, oh, you're, you're bi. You must like, like manasse. I'm like, no, that's like disgusting. I do not like any of that. Like that guy that was on the screen, he's like, not. That's like gross to me.

[Christina P]

That's gross to you. What about K Zolo? Where are the videos that I've been recently getting into?

[Ian]

Also, I just want to say.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

Just because, you know, if, if anyone out there is with someone who's like bi or like queer or whatever, just because you are, that doesn't mean if you're in a relationship with an opposite sex person, you're going to be like, well, I'm gonna cheat on you with a guy. Like, that's not how it is. No, I think with someone, you're with someone and it's. Although I have been sucking a. And I'm like, God, I really miss. You know, I understand. But in the confines of relationship, I'm very like, like monogamously interested in only that.

[Christina P]

But who's easier to deal with, men or women sexually?

[Ian]

People have asked that and it's so funny because, God, like, everyone's like, dude, it must be so much easier dating guys. I date feminine. So I'm with feminine guys who are like, you know, you've only been talking to me like at night and I'm like, I thought we were gonna bro down, brother. Come on, Madden and blow each other. What the hell is this?

[Christina P]

That's what I imagine the allure is to being with the bro. Yeah. Is you can just be like, I.

[Ian]

Guess that's what it's like with a bro. But again, like, I did like, the guy I dated was like a handbag designer and used to take us out to like Louis, Louis Vuitton and all this stuff. He had like a three story firehouse converted into a home. Like it was so like again, like out of my league.

[Christina P]

Yeah, he was great.

[Ian]

Just didn't work out.

[Christina P]

What about this guy?

[Zolo]

So.

[Ian]

You'Re the old muscle guy on Instagram. Not quite the flex I was looking for, but a flex is flex, so, you know, I'll take it. Have a great day. Now what are you asking me?

[Christina P]

Like, here's the thing.

[Ian]

That guy.

[Christina P]

No, aesthetically, first of all, this is why the socks and the sneakers with.

[Ian]

The I Would barely let him grade my history homework. Let him get near my cock.

[Christina P]

But he looks good.

[Ian]

He's like an attractive older man.

[Christina P]

Somebody needed to school him on what to wear for the video. Like, really, it's just a fashion.

[Ian]

But isn't that the point of him showing off his body?

[Christina P]

What? To get someone to help him?

[Ian]

Wait, what's happening?

[Christina P]

Okay, I'm saying, like, the bot is solid. He's right. He's an old bodybuilder. Blah, blah, blah. It's just the outfit's so. It's so. It's terrible.

[Ian]

But isn't that what he wants to reveal? Like, this is as close to naked as possible, right?

[Christina P]

I know, but straight girls. But women don't like this.

[Ian]

Honey, I don't think he's looking for women, okay?

[Christina P]

Oh, you think he's on your. On your team? He's looking for bros. Well, I'm not.

[Ian]

What do you mean, my team?

[Christina P]

You know what I mean. Whatever. Unwell. Mentally mental parent.

[Ian]

She'll be studied in a land God.

[Christina P]

I know, right?

[Ian]

No, I think. I think this is made for guys, Right?

[Christina P]

Wow. You just blew my mind, dude.

[Ian]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

Is it Joshua?

[Ian]

100%. Yeah. This is not for women. How, like, still Hungarian are you? Like, how old country? I had a good Eastern European man.

[Christina P]

I thought this is what men look like.

[Ian]

If you want to get woman, put fish on your shoulder. 100. You do not understand. He have onion in boots. Maybe attract woman.

[Christina P]

Yes. This is my uncle Tibor. He's always flexing. Oh, did you hear that?

[Ian]

This is. That was great.

[Christina P]

Did you hear that? What? No, just me.

[Ian]

Oh, I thought you meant your accent.

[Christina P]

No, no, no. I shorted out something here. That's totally.

[Ian]

Maybe you shorted out from seeing such a hot guy. Maybe that was your brain.

[Christina P]

Now, could you pull him? Do you think you would?

[Ian]

I've. I one time tried to get to hook up with a guy like that, but he looked like that. But he had, like, a long beard, and he was, like, Italian. And I was in Arizona, and I wasn't feeling too good, so I was like, let me. Let me see if someone can suck the badness out of me. So he came to my hotel, and I could not get hard to save my life. And he was Italian, like, fresh off the boat. And it. It was. I mean, it was like putting a marshmallow in a light socket. It just, like, wasn't working. And he was, like, on his knees, and I go, hey, man, I don't think this is gonna work. And he goes, goes, I Understand? I'm sorry. And he just got up and left. Oh, sweet. It was nice.

[Christina P]

That's so nice. Well, that.

[Ian]

That's the thing on, like, a hookup app. It's very much like, one time I was in Ohio, and I went to hook up with this guy, and we both got there, and it's like, middle of the day. You're not. I don't drink. It's like, another sober guy. So you're like, I guess we'll just. And. And we both took off our pants, and we were like, well, do you get fucked? And he was like, no. Do you get fucked? I was like, no. And he was like, all right, man. Well, I guess I'll see you later. I was like, yeah, fair enough. We just dapped up to the left. See you later.

[Christina P]

You guys wouldn't even give each other BJ's or Handies. Just not even interested. You just wanted that.

[Ian]

I mean, I would have gotten a bj, but I wasn't gonna, like, force it. But I thought he thought I was gonna. It was such a. Such a. Who's on first?

[Christina P]

Gay male sex. It was too much. Have you ever done the hanky system Victim? Is that true? So in San Francisco, back in the.

[Ian]

Day, in Cruising, different color hang.

[Christina P]

Yeah, that's true, though. That was a thing. Yeah. Yeah.

[Ian]

Well, cruising is a real thing.

[Christina P]

Okay, tell me. Tell me the politics of cruising. Like, what?

[Ian]

Walk around, you get, like, a vibe from a guy, and you make eye contact, and then you go somewhere and.

[Christina P]

Hook up and you just go like, hey, dude, over here.

[Ian]

You don't look like you're having a seizure, but. Yeah. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Bro, bro, bro.

[Ian]

How many.

[Christina P]

How many straight guys have you been with?

[Ian]

Oh, I don't know. I don't think any. That. Dude, that's a thing of, like. What. Wait, why?

[Christina P]

Because every woman listening is like, oh, my God, is Ian. Has he. Has he had sex with my husband? Like, how many straight guys out there are there?

[Ian]

Well, dude, that. There's, like, a. A thing in gay culture where some guys want to pull like a straight guy.

[Christina P]

That's.

[Ian]

That's the thing that always kind of me out where I'm like. I'm very, like, specific attracted to a certain type of. Because I've never been attracted to a guy friend. I've never been at a sleepover with my best friend Bill and been like, brother, can we just do this? You know, it's always just like, I'm never walking down the street, and I like, check a guy. It's. I'm telling you, it's always like, I don't know, like very not what people think it is. Like, I've never been like, you're very.

[Christina P]

Comfortable in your own.

[Ian]

I want to get that guy. Yeah.

[Christina P]

And your own dick skin.

[Ian]

I mean, it took me a while.

[Christina P]

Apparently you've worked on it though. But you've really.

[Ian]

I have, I've done like a lot of work on like, like myself and how I navigate things and be comfortable because I, I wasn't for like a very long time.

[Christina P]

Well, of course it's got to be a. It's got to be a lot. Yeah, it's a lot, man.

[Ian]

I mean, I know I'm not the only one. And it's like I, it's, It's so funny because I feel like at times I talked about this stuff way too early in my career because I've worked really hard to get away from being like the crazy like sex story guy or whatever because that's not really who I am. But that was very much who I was for a while.

[Christina P]

Of course.

[Ian]

And, and it's funny because people ask and I'll ask what I'll answer, but I know that there are like a lot of people out there that feel the way I do and don't feel okay for it. So I, I understand that, you know, I've. I can be someone that makes people feel okay with being who they are. And I, I love that. But it's, you know, like I'm not like some, some guys will like DM me and be like, I, you made me feel so alright with, with, with who I am and who I've been. Can I blow you? And I'm like, get away from me. Doesn't matter. Just because I'm bi doesn't mean I have no standards.

[Christina P]

Right. That's true. It's just. Yeah. You're not just like.

[Ian]

I understand. It's like fascinating because there aren't many out there or if they are, it's like a lot in secret. But I've, I've never, I don't think I've ever been with like a straight guy or like I, I'm. My type is like black ballerinas.

[Christina P]

Like, it's like.

[Ian]

And I don't think many of them are straight, you know?

[Christina P]

Yeah. Because I think, I think you're right. At least in my boring straight world, I. Now that I live like a pedestrian, suburban mom life, like maybe in San Francisco and I knew guys doing stuff, you just have to be in the, in the world of it. I think to see it more like when I was like in my 20s and hanging out with gay guys and bisexuals and whatever in San Francisco. That's. That's it. Or New York or whatever.

[Ian]

You don't find many of that much of that in Austin.

[Christina P]

No, it's, it's like one street, right? Like, I don't think it's a whatever, dude. Okay, look, what about this guy? We need to talk about this.

[Ian]

Let's go. Beware ladies. If you have adorable face, I may have to go like this to you. I'll show you how. Watch this, watch this. Ariana Grande is going to get first, cuz she's one of the most adorable ones of all. I'm going to be you. Is that a refrigerator that. He clearly has a woman's head inside of him. Oh, I take it you want some cute face, B.B. b. Oh, you're cute, adorable Richard Simmons. So if you have adorable face, you're getting B.B. i can't judge him because I do the same thing with pictures of cats.

[Christina P]

Well, that's different. Cats are the best.

[Ian]

I love them.

[Christina P]

I know. I've recently transitioned to being a cat.

[Ian]

Lady and I'm so happy about that. How many do you have?

[Christina P]

Two now.

[Ian]

What are their names?

[Christina P]

Oh, Biscuit and Munchkin.

[Ian]

Oh, I don't like that. They should have human names, but that's okay.

[Christina P]

Well, my kids named them, so that's okay. I would name them people's names because I do think that's way funnier. What do you name.

[Ian]

Glenn and Samson. Those are my. Look, Samson here and Glenn here. My little guys. That's very nice of you to let your kids name. I, I think I'd be too like. No, we're naming them Herman.

[Christina P]

I know. No, I don't do that to my kids. And I also don't like, choose their Halloween costumes, which I think is.

[Ian]

Oh, that's cool. Now what about. Because we share a lot of interest with music. Yeah, what about music? Are you going to impart what you like onto them?

[Christina P]

Absolutely. Well, here's the thing. I, I merely suggest, for instance, in the car when I'm driving, you put.

[Ian]

On what you like.

[Christina P]

You're listening to the Pixies. Guess what? Now they love the song Gigantic and that. Yeah. And they go a big, big penis. Because everything's penis talk and dicks and balls. And now they like that. They like the Clash. Yes.

[Ian]

I, I get them into awesome attraction rather than promotion. Yeah, I think that's very important.

[Christina P]

You don't like it. That's okay. But you're not gonna listen to. I don't want to hear K Hunters. I'm not gonna let you guys do that. I'm just gonna let you know that that's.

[Ian]

This ain't time for Skibidi toilet. This is time for. I do like SK Richard. Hell on the Voided.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I do like that too. Yeah. Okay, ready, you kids.

[Ian]

This song's you. Yeah, it's where you're gonna be. A blank generation. Oh, I know.

[Christina P]

Look at this. You ever done this to somebody before?

[Ian]

Oh, God. Why would you do. No. Suck it up. Don't leave it out. It makes it grosser. Oh, poor woman.

[Christina P]

I know.

[Ian]

Why would you do that?

[Christina P]

What a dick.

[Ian]

Oh, she could fall on her. Stop. Stop. Christina, stop. Put another man talking about his bottom diet. This is disgusting.

[Christina P]

It's my grandmother.

[Ian]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Yo, could you fucking. This is your mother in law feeding my mother in law egg while she sleeps.

[Ian]

Fucking dummy. Their mother in law.

[Christina P]

No. Could you be doing this to Charo? I'd murder her. She would die.

[Ian]

That's crazy. How do you. Dude, I feel so bad for old people who have like a young relative that's trying to be like a TikTok person.

[Christina P]

I hate it.

[Ian]

And it's like, oh, every day grandma lives with ptsd. Hell of like, oh, she got milk bombed from the refrigerator and she's like, I just want to live in peace before I die.

[Christina P]

You know what always made me so mad? And I love Johnny Knoxville. I love Jackass. I love those movies. I hated it when Bam would mess with his parents. Sorry, press pause. I'm going to go take a pish too.

[Ian]

Yeah, you have to go pee.

[Christina P]

The time is meow.

[Ian]

I'll take over the show. Christina. You know, being a first generation immigrant, do you ever find out maybe that's the reason why you have such rigid views on homosexuality? I know you're kind of putting a magnifying glass on me and my proclivities. Let me ask about you. When was this time you got jammed out? Have you ever a gay guy? Tijuana. Why don't you put on another video that alienates Ian? I just pick a video of like some house mom on the View and I'm like, what do you think of this? Relate. Dude, this is so funny. The notes for the show. Gay clips for Ian. Ian's most degenerate stories. What the fuck is this your mom's house. But certainly not my mother's. At least I'd be treated with some respect. Zolo this is how you treat the hot new star of the YMH network? Can you please keep this in the episode, please? This is. I'm so happy because finally I don't have to talk to a woman. Oh, my God, that's so funny. Ian's most Degenerate Stories.

[Zolo]

Wow.

[Ian]

Is that all I am to use? Olo. You also like cats? Oh, just a cat. Gay guy. Is that what it is? I've been. I've been interviewing you without you being here. I said, christina, do you think being a first generation immigrant plays a role in your rigidity towards your views of homosexuality?

[Christina P]

Most definitely.

[Ian]

Now looking at me under a microscope is one of your petri dish freaks. Do you think that your view of my lifestyle is coming off as being a bit condemning me for.

[Christina P]

Am I. I don't mean to. I'm just curious. I know I am. My. My life is so mundane. It really is.

[Ian]

No, no. I. I get like, roles and like, what the show is, you know, like, Tom's kind of like the head of the ship and you're the. And I just think, you know, it's like a fun dynamic, you know?

[Christina P]

No, but I'm genuinely curious because I. I do live a very boring. Yeah, sheltered life.

[Ian]

I hope.

[Christina P]

I hope you don't take it as judgment. I really don't judge. I really don't.

[Ian]

Laughing. No, no, I understand.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Okay.

[Ian]

No, no. And I. I know it's fun and interesting.

[Christina P]

It is fun and interesting.

[Zolo]

Yeah.

[Christina P]

What about this? The aftermath of the egg mouth. Ready?

[Ian]

No, no. I can't watch this poor woman anymore.

[Christina P]

Oh, no. Is she going to puke?

[Ian]

Is Christina.

[Christina P]

I hate the noises too. I don't like puking. Oh.

[Ian]

Oh, no, not the. This is a noise I made after the first time I sucked a dick. Yeah, I know.

[Zolo]

Me too. Too.

[Christina P]

What is wrong?

[Ian]

Why you put that in my mouth when I was sleeping? Tony, on my first grade baseball team.

[Christina P]

Like, also, too. It's just so much reaction. Like, don't you think you'd be like, what the. Dude? Like that dude.

[Ian]

You got to think that went like, down her gullet, right? She's like, sleeping and she's like, back like this. Like, that's horrific. We should do the tik tock egg challenge. See how long we can have a raw egg mouth.

[Christina P]

So gross. Okay, watch. So she's mad now?

[Ian]

No, there. No, she's like another language person.

[Christina P]

No, she's like a Romanian granny.

[Ian]

Please, please. We have to get ready for Gypsy wedding.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I was going to say my dog.

[Ian]

My granddaughter ate Today is her wedding. Oh, she doesn't have teeth. No wonder more egg got down her throat. There was no barrier. Stop making the noise, man. Dude, is this your first time seeing this? Yes.

[Christina P]

First of all, they're not afraid of the Romanian grandma. They should be. I would never do that. Would you do that to anybody in your family? No.

[Ian]

They're all cursed.

[Christina P]

Beat me. Yeah.

[Ian]

Gypsy makes eye contact with you, you're gonna find out how you die. Are you kidding me? Gypsies? No, I would never do that to another person. That's, like, terrible.

[Christina P]

Can I show you some choice tik toks?

[Ian]

Yes.

[Christina P]

As you guys, as you know, I.

[Ian]

Hold on.

[Christina P]

What?

[Ian]

I can still hear the woman's noise.

[Christina P]

Hold on, hold on. Wait. Which sound? No, no, stop, stop, stop.

[Ian]

You're evil. You are the C word.

[Christina P]

Like, like. Ah. You dick.

[Ian]

But also, lady, sit up. Sit up.

[Christina P]

Sit up and spit it the out. Why does she chew it?

[Ian]

I don't know, man. Why are you showing me again?

[Christina P]

What is wrong with you?

[Ian]

Dude, the noises, the noises. It's like when she starts to hate it, too.

[Christina P]

Now. I tasted it. Did you taste the egg this time?

[Ian]

You're doing this to me upper. I tasted it.

[Christina P]

I tasted it.

[Ian]

I don't want to do the egg challenge anymore.

[Christina P]

This is. Is this. This is not, like, a real job. No, no. This just was single.

[Ian]

This is, like, pure evil ass. Yeah, this is like a challenge for the next Saw movie.

[Christina P]

Murder somebody. Like, I don't. I. There's no LOL in this. You know what I mean? Like, I'd murder somebody if you got woke up. Dude.

[Ian]

I would rather. I think I'd rather the egg than, like, getting water splashed on me like someone dumping a bucket of water. Yeah, that was a jarring way to wake up. Yeah, until my mom used to wake me up. She'd take a spray bottle and just spray me in the face like a cat. Yeah.

[Christina P]

That's terrible. That's so mean.

[Ian]

Ah, just kidding. Well, now I, like, wouldn't wake up in the morning.

[Christina P]

Yeah, but still, I wouldn't do that.

[Ian]

To my kids, I guess. I mean, nothing else worked. I know. She's an all right lady. Back off.

[Christina P]

Is she all right, lady?

[Ian]

Yeah, she's the best. Yes, Gail. She rules, dude. She's my ride or die.

[Christina P]

Okay, here's my. Here's my marginalized community.

[Ian]

Marginalized community. What is this?

[Christina P]

This is called needle play. Are you into this?

[Ian]

Oh, dude, one time I was with a girl, and she was like, hey, we were making out. She was like, hey, Are you into. Are you. Are you into blood? And I was like, oh, do you want to cut me? And she's like, no, I'm on my period. I was like, oh, that's an interesting way to ask. Blood. Yeah. Menstrual blood.

[Christina P]

That's different kinds of bl. Yeah. What does she mean, you're into it? Like, did she want you to go down on her?

[Ian]

I think she meant, like, are you okay with having sex on my period? Which is, like, a fine way to ask. But when she goes, are you into blood? Are you into blood? Play. That's what she said. Are you. Are you into playing with blood? That's what she said.

[Christina P]

Like, play.

[Ian]

And I was like, what? Do you want to cut me? Like, no. It's like, you know, God's punishment every month. That's all that's happening.

[Christina P]

It is. It's the worst.

[Ian]

It was horrible.

[Christina P]

I can't wait to. It'd be, like, menopausal and be done. Wait, so this is just needles?

[Ian]

This is. This is. This is. Why does she have a. How did. How did they make the casket be 3D?

[Christina P]

It's so rad. I'm guessing it lifts the skin. Yeah, to create the design.

[Ian]

Okay, keep playing.

[Christina P]

I kind of like it.

[Ian]

Hey, Zolo, zoom in on her boobies. Need to play with those needles. You know what I mean? Come on, dog.

[Christina P]

Damn, dude. Look at that. Oh.

[Ian]

Oh, that's so gnarly.

[Christina P]

I don't, like.

[Ian]

Do they pull the needles out?

[Christina P]

I guess. What is this? Will you look this up? Like, what the am I looking at? Needle play?

[Ian]

No, that.

[Christina P]

They. Okay, right here.

[Ian]

Her. The. The. The. The reason the stuff is sticking up. That's not from the need. That has to be, like, a acupuncture needle.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

What's.

[Ian]

What's it called when you get a st. When they do the heat on you prodding. What's it called, like, they do to branding?

[Christina P]

Oh, no. Okay, look, Here. Here's what it is. Needle play. Temporarily inserting sterile needles into the skin for sensory stimulation, aesthetic or ritualistic purposes, rather than for permanent body modification for endorphin release, pain, pleasure, exploration, or intimate bonding. All right. I mean, look, it's cool that it's in a pattern. I didn't realize they can make art. It's like a mandala. It's gonna go away, right?

[Ian]

I don't know, man. Can you look in the comments to see if that's how they made it stick up like that? That's crazy. Damn. People really want to go to Hell.

[Christina P]

God cares. Amazing. Omg. We take a minute to appreciate how cool this is. This.

[Ian]

What's your definition of cool?

[Christina P]

I don't know, dude.

[Ian]

It an hour and a half it took. No way.

[Christina P]

No way. More than that.

[Ian]

How does it get to have the 3D thing? Quit complimenting and answering our questions.

[Christina P]

It's got to lift it.

[Ian]

What is the purpose of this? Exactly what you see for experience.

[Christina P]

You know what? Now who's a square? Why don't just go do this. Ian in.

[Ian]

All right. You're cooler than me. You are cooler than me. What if this is.

[Christina P]

Oh, wait, where's the feathering?

[Ian]

Oh.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Oh.

[Ian]

What the Am I looking at how that's how they make it.

[Christina P]

How is it not bleeding everywhere, though? I don't understand it. I don't understand.

[Ian]

I don't know, man. That's so crazy. Wait, you're watching at home. Hug your kids. Show up when you say you will.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Shit. Yo, so they're like threading the needle.

[Ian]

And then do you just leave it in there? How do you put on a coat?

[Christina P]

I'm assuming they take it out before you leave.

[Ian]

That's how they made the 3D. Oh, looks like a centipede. Shit. Now, let me tell you it. This ain't a way to give an anal type girl. The girl want some pain on the first date? Oh, no.

[Christina P]

That is wild. I've never. I didn't even know they could do this.

[Ian]

Yeah, but, dude, here's the thing. How you take it out and then it's.

[Christina P]

And there's.

[Ian]

Do you just do it to do it for an hour and then you don't.

[Christina P]

Yeah, I think so. I think it's. That's what they're saying.

[Ian]

Do you think it's, like, therapeutic?

[Christina P]

I think it's for when you're. Like when I was cutting myself as a teenager. Now we're full circle. This is what you do when you're in so much pain and you. You need to feel something.

[Ian]

When you cut yourself, did you go across the street or down the road?

[Christina P]

Oh, I think a little bit of.

[Ian]

Everything down the roads.

[Christina P]

If you really do it across the streets. I'm not telling you that. Oh, it's terrible. What's actually making the skin rise? The raised design isn't permanent structure. It's a temporary reaction of the skin. Yeah.

[Ian]

Oh, dude. The body doesn't see this as art. It sees it as has a minor injury and immediately starts fixing it. Yeah. Wow. It's almost like we shouldn't do this.

[Christina P]

Yeah.

[Ian]

Crazy.

[Christina P]

Yeah. Yeah. At least it's sterile.

[Ian]

Do you have any tattoos?

[Christina P]

I do, I do. I have a tramp stamp and then I recently got a middle aged mom tattoo.

[Ian]

No way. What's a middle aged mom tattoo?

[Christina P]

Show you later. It's super. It's so gay. I'm so embarrassed.

[Ian]

Why?

[Christina P]

I'll show you later. I want people seeing it.

[Ian]

Oh, I didn't know if it was like a private thing. Dude, you should get more tattoos.

[Christina P]

I know, I'm gonna. I'm into it now. I think I'm gonna be a tattoo girl.

[Ian]

All.

[Christina P]

I'm into it.

[Ian]

It's the best.

[Christina P]

It is the best. Now I'm really down. I'm. I'm in. Yeah, Like, I like, I like all this. Cuz those are like old school tattoos, right?

[Ian]

Yeah, this is all like American traditional flash. I really love the art and like culture of it.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

It's.

[Ian]

It's really neat.

[Christina P]

Okay, here's my next one. You ready?

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Yeah.

[Ian]

Can I, can I? I'm going to.

[Christina P]

Is that for boys or girls? Who's she helping you attract lizards?

[Ian]

I don't know. That is.

[Christina P]

Can I?

[Ian]

Can I like.

[Christina P]

Yeah, you can. Why? Did she need permission? She could have just done that TikTok if we didn't need to.

[Ian]

It'd be funny if the next video, she goes, can I? No. Fair enough. That's the end of the video.

[Christina P]

Just checking for concern.

[Ian]

Oh my God. Dick.

[Christina P]

All right, let's do this.

[Zolo]

So I am your neighbor. I just want to give you a heads up. I do not want to be known for this or I do not want this to come back to me at all. But there's a car that comes here. It's a red Toyota Corolla that comes here every single day after you leave for work. It stays here for like two or three hours and then it leaves. I do not know what's going on, but I just wanted you to know there's a dude that keeps getting out of it, going in the house for a little bit and coming out. You should maybe talk to your wife about it. Just giving you a heads up. I do not want this to come back to me.

[Ian]

That's fake. That's not. That can't be real fake.

[Christina P]

What do you guys. I mean, I'm so naive. I'll believe it. Go thank Josh.

[Ian]

Go to the guy. Like, go to the guy and say face to face. Don't leave it on the ring cam. The wife could see it like, this is. That's a good video.

[Christina P]

Okay. What do you think, Annie?

[Ian]

No, I Was I was gonna say what he said that, like, how does he know the. The girl isn't gonna see it? Yeah, he knows for sure it's gonna get to the guy. Yeah, it's a setup. Or he's just trying to cause chaos.

[Christina P]

Yeah, what a jerk face. But I do think. Okay, well, then that's a good thing. If you know that someone's being cheated on, do you tell the person? Do you keep it a secret?

[Ian]

Well, it all depends on who the person is. What's your relation to them?

[Christina P]

Not a neighbor. I wouldn't care. I'd be like, whatever, dude. That's your life. Right?

[Ian]

I. I like man. But then again, it's like they're mind your business.

[Christina P]

I know, I know, I know.

[Ian]

Look, karmatically, everyone gets theirs in the end. If it is a like, best friend inner circle. Thick as thieves. Ride or die. Yes, but don't involve yourself in people's drama because God forbid something physical happens. Like, what if this guy sees this and then goes out and kills a. And it's just like it's her cousin or something, you know? Like you don't know. Getting involved in people's relationships is. Is no bueno. Just let them handle it.

[Christina P]

That's a good point. And the truth always comes out anyway in these situations. Yeah, you're gonna find out anyway.

[Ian]

And what if. God, what. What if the guy. They're in some like, open thing like you. You don't know.

[Christina P]

You don't.

[Ian]

Mind your business.

[Christina P]

Mind your business.

[Ian]

I'd find that guy and I'd spit in his face.

[Christina P]

You know?

[Ian]

Watch your mouth.

[Christina P]

Watch that guy. Yeah, we should go find him and do a video on his porch and.

[Ian]

Put some needles in him.

[Christina P]

Hey.

[Ian]

And then get the long tongue guy to come out and freak him the hell out. Yeah, Nay, I. I may I, may I? Let's go put an egg in his mouth.

[Christina P]

Oh, God. That's what we should. Yeah.

[Ian]

Did you ever egg house as a kid?

[Christina P]

Of course. I was so angry too. I was an angry teenager.

[Ian]

Could you imagine horrible that stuff happening now? We'd get thrown in jail with ring cam.

[Christina P]

Oh, yeah.

[Ian]

You.

[Christina P]

You can't do anything now. Kids are screwed.

[Ian]

Okay, but you need to do that.

[Christina P]

You need to get it.

[Ian]

You need to, like, smash a mailbox and like, get in trouble and have it not ruin your life forever, you know?

[Christina P]

Yes, I know little things that you don't get arrested later. Okay, here we go. This guy is my new find.

[Ian]

What? I feel happy. I feel healthy. I'm a human being.

[Christina P]

He doesn't look healthy.

[Ian]

That's me into my mirror every day. So I don't. So I don't cut down the road. I'm healthy, I'm happy. That is not a human being. That's one of your little aliens. Aliens.

[Christina P]

I know. And he does the same video every day in different settings. It's really. I'm taking it.

[Ian]

Have you seen the video of the little autistic kid that goes to different places of business and counts down to them turning the lights off? No. And the lights never go off on time.

[Christina P]

And he goes.

[Ian]

So I'm just waiting for the whites to turn off. That's his whole Internet presence. It's really cute. Have you seen the Indian boys that play games? Games. And if they win, they get to eat. Shout out Mr. Greedy. He always gets to eat. If you look up hashtag Mr. Greedy, it will unlock a world in which you cannot return from. Is that the one where the Deepak joke. He, like, keeps getting the pear or something? Yeah, yeah. Mr. Greedy, he's.

[Christina P]

Wait, what is this? This is real.

[Ian]

Mr.

[Christina P]

Gritty.

[Ian]

Plus little Biggie versus Biggie versus. It's always to Mr. Greedy and little Biggie competition. No, that's what they do. Cheering won't help you eat.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Keep.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God. What the. Am I watching? I don't. Yeah.

[Ian]

God.

[Christina P]

Oh, God.

[Ian]

And now they get to eat so bad.

[Christina P]

Can I tell you? I.

[Ian]

And then they shame the fat one.

[Christina P]

I don't want to go there.

[Ian]

Isn't this nice? Play another.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

This.

[Christina P]

This so hard. I hate it.

[Ian]

No, no, this is too long. Go to. Go to a shorter one.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Ian]

Sorry, sorry. Oh, sorry. It's not an old woman eating an egg. Yeah.

[Christina P]

This is like, genuinely depressing, Ian. This is like poor children. Like, I can't. I can't.

[Ian]

Now they're having fun. I don't know what he says.

[Christina P]

Okay, can we go back to some quality First World tik toks?

[Ian]

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry. I was trying to dei.

[Christina P]

You gotta make fun of white people. Are you ready? He's gonna eat an entire apple in one bite like a horse.

[Ian]

Oh, my God.

[Christina P]

Don't laugh. You're gonna choke, dummy.

[Ian]

Please go back to Mr. Greedy.

[Christina P]

No, no.

[Ian]

What?

[Christina P]

I don't like Mr. Greedy.

[Ian]

Mr. Greedy. Eat the apple, dude. What is this?

[Christina P]

He's eating an entire apple in the.

[Ian]

What about the core?

[Christina P]

Oh, I didn't even think about that. No. I hate his breathing. Don't you know, Stop breathing.

[Ian]

And the haircut and the chin and the face.

[Christina P]

Stop breathing.

[Ian]

Does he have A mic in his nose?

[Christina P]

Yeah. Why is he sounding like that? All right, I. I got it. He did it. Are you ready?

[Ian]

Look how cockeyed his face is.

[Christina P]

No, he's all kinds of that.

[Ian]

He's eating an apple like a horse and it looks like he got kicked in the head by the same horse. That's incredible. Now what's worse? That or Mr. Greedy?

[Christina P]

Mr. Greedy.

[Ian]

It's entertain. What about one pound fish? Do you ever watch that? Oh, jeez. It's just occurred to me.

[Christina P]

No. You like that? Yeah.

[Ian]

Yeah, yeah. It just occurred to me.

[Christina P]

Thanks for being here. You've been a really cool guest.

[Ian]

I like that. What's so bad about that?

[Christina P]

That makes you lol.

[Ian]

Yeah, cuz it's so bad. It's good.

[Christina P]

It's so bad that.

[Ian]

Wow.

[Christina P]

I thought I knew you.

[Ian]

You know? Could I be Frank? Could I be Frank? I'd much rather be Ian. This is silly fun.

[Christina P]

You know what? I got to cleanse the palette. Let's just try one more with you. I just. I feel like you and I are not seeing eye to eye on these talks.

[Ian]

I am so scared of what this is, dude.

[Christina P]

Christina. Christina. Christina, it. Christina.

[Ian]

You don't know me like that. This isn't good.

[Christina P]

Hard core.

[Ian]

Oh, dude. No, man. The sound.

[Christina P]

Bro.

[Ian]

Bro, don't go back to Ernest Hemingway telling dad jokes, please.

[Christina P]

He's cutting his teeth with nail clippers.

[Ian]

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why? Why?

[Christina P]

Cuz it's punk rock.

[Ian]

No, it's not. No, no, no.

[Christina P]

Just watch it again.

[Ian]

Just watch it one more time.

[Christina P]

Just really feel it. God damn, dude. Oh, I felt my butthole. What did you. My butthole's clenched.

[Ian]

Mine too. Why did you make him do that?

[Christina P]

Sound is incredible. Incredible. Zolo, you jerk.

[Ian]

I'm leaving the network.

[Christina P]

Zolo, stop playing it. Z. Oh.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Go. Go.

[Ian]

Is that a fake tooth?

[Christina P]

Solo, stop torturing Ian like that, you jerk.

[Ian]

Oh, it's still there.

[Christina P]

Stop it.

[Ian]

Isn't this like. Oh, God, that's so gross, man.

[Christina P]

I like it.

[Ian]

Are those toenail clippers?

[Christina P]

Are you saying you wouldn't date him? I think he's interesting. I think he's got a lot to say. He's got a lot of ideas. I want to hear what he's got. I want to hear him talk.

[Ian]

You just like him because he looks like he'd lick the floor at cbg.

[Christina P]

I do. I like dirty.

[Ian]

Back in the day.

[Christina P]

Dirt bags. Yeah, I do. I like Dirty Crazy men.

[Ian]

Yeah, yeah. Dirty Crazy GT 40 year old bicycle messenger.

[Christina P]

I love that. I love that this is. That's why I married Tim Segura. Etc. Because Tom is the boy that I needed to be with. Do you know what I'm saying? Where you're like, I'm attracted to the psycho guy that clips his nails.

[Ian]

Oh, the difference maker.

[Christina P]

Yes.

[Ian]

The straight setter. The one that makes you get away from the repetitive pattern of the horrors you've been engaged in.

[Christina P]

Exactly. I was like, I think time screw is a good bet. Thank God. Thank you for setting me up.

[Ian]

Yeah. Really?

[Christina P]

Because that. That. That would have been the dude that I'm like, he's so interested. Interesting. Why is he doing that? Like, I'm so into him.

[Ian]

Could you imagine?

[Christina P]

That could be my baby daddy right there, bro. I know. Easily I could have fallen for this.

[Ian]

Horeshit again, ma'.

[Christina P]

Am.

[Ian]

Back to that whole thing about. Do you ever sit back and congratulate yourself? You know, I will now.

[Christina P]

Yeah. I've been into guys. I was into a guy one time because he would eat his own scabs.

[Ian]

Nuh.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Huh?

[Ian]

Where'd you grow up?

[Christina P]

The Valley. The San Fernando Valley.

[Ian]

Really?

[Christina P]

I'm trash. Like, I'm. I'm. I'm valley trash.

[Ian]

Hard.

[Christina P]

Hard core valley trash. So it's mostly cholos. Jewish kids.

[Ian]

What's a cholo call leg? A table with only three legs. What? Not even.

[Christina P]

Thanks for being here, Ian.

[Ian]

I want to stay best.

[Christina P]

We love you. I do. I love you. I love you. Thank you for being here.

[Ian]

Thank you for having me.

[Christina P]

I have to go to a parent teacher conference. Believe it or not, pretend that I'm a normal human being. Your new show, Ian do is coming out. We are producing. You're gonna do all the fun jobs under the sun.

[Ian]

It's the best. I'm having a blast. It's called Ian do an odd guy doing odd jobs. The network Shout out guys, they've been so wonderful and cool and everybody's behind it, and I'm so stoked, man. I did security at the comedy mothership.

[Christina P]

Oh, my God.

[Ian]

And I showed up in head to toe tactical gear and like, a whip and an American flag because everyone thinks it's like this guarded fortress, but they're just like regular guys. And I was like, boy, did I get this wrong. And yeah, I was a pit boss to Terry Blacks down in Austin. It was so fun. I'm having a blast, man. I. I got my tattooing license in Wisconsin. I tattooed a guy guy.

[Christina P]

Oh, wow.

[Ian]

You know that s symbol we used to make for, like, Stussy or whatever? S. Yeah, the SS symbol. I, I did, I held down a guy and actually, do you know what a swastika is? It's actually an old like Indian design. No, that thing.

[Christina P]

Oh yeah, yeah, that's, yeah, the skateboarding thing.

[Ian]

Yeah. So I tattooed that on a guy and I got tackled by canines in Chicago. It was, I'm having a blast, man. It's so fun.

[Christina P]

This sounds insane.

[Ian]

Yeah, so everybody, every, every, I'm on the road like 50 weekends of the year. So when I go to different towns, I have people teach me their jobs. So I don't rotten bed or put a gun to my head. So I meet people. I, I meet hard working Americans in America and I, I get to learn a bunch of different things. I, I stitched together my own coat with this company in Connecticut, Hard and Co. Yeah.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Ian]

Yeah. I sang gang vocals with Hate Breed on the new album.

[Christina P]

Wow.

[Ian]

It's the best.

[Christina P]

You know, a good free. I, I actually, I had the impulse to take a job the other day. Like I wanted to work in a bar again, like just to, just to. Amy Sedaris does that. She works like in a bakery. She would work in a bakery and like. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. Hey, by the way, I, I, I'm always curious about FedEx. Have you ever worked for FedEx?

[Ian]

No, dude. So what are you curious about?

[Christina P]

About just everything. Like how does that operation run? Like you put some shit, you're, oh, here, get this here, and then, homie, it ends up on the other side of the country or wherever overnight. How does it fucking work?

[Ian]

How do you order some weird niche product and the next day it shows up at your house? I don't. Or do they make it on the spot? Is it just sitting in a warehouse? I don't know. That freaks me out, man.

[Christina P]

Well, I didn't understand how FedEx got everything from point A to point B so quickly. Turns out basically they run their own airline.

[Ian]

Oh yeah. You can overnight ship it in a plane.

[Christina P]

So that makes. Of course I never thought about it that way.

[Ian]

Like, do you think they just put it on like the Roadrunner's back? Like Wiley Coyotes, apparently.

[Christina P]

But I was like, how do they ship all these packages? Oh, do they have their own thing?

[Ian]

Well, same day Amazon stuff, I'm like, like what?

[Christina P]

Drones?

[Ian]

Yeah, but how many warehouses are full of this garbage that they can just grab and give to? It's weird.

[Christina P]

That's true, because I order the weirdest on there. Yeah. Like for my kids or whatever. Yeah, I ordered like a time thing. What's that where the sand.

[Ian]

Oh. Oh.

[Christina P]

Hourglass Came the day of like, a really gothic, ornate one. Yeah.

[Ian]

Where is it coming from?

[Christina P]

I don't know. Find out. Find out.

[Ian]

We're gonna figure out on. Ian, do you and I are gonna ride along with a FedEx driver?

[Christina P]

I would love to.

[Ian]

It's going to be an immigrant who lied about his status. We'll watch him pee in a van because he doesn't take time off.

[Christina P]

We never do.

[Ian]

It'll be great.

[Christina P]

I would love that. Well, Ian, I'm so happy you came in here.

[Ian]

I'm so grateful. This is so fun.

[Christina P]

You're the best.

[Ian]

That was fun hanging out when we were shaving the dogs and stuff too.

[Christina P]

I can't wait for people to see that.

[Ian]

Yeah. No, I appreciate you having me on, man. And. And you guys have been so kind to me here. I'm really grateful.

[Christina P]

And you have really good taste in music.

[Ian]

You too. Thank you. I can't wait to compare tattoos when you gay.

[Christina P]

So gay.

[Ian]

I love you.

[Christina P]

Bye, everybody. Thanks for listening.

[Spirit Air Announcer]

Me. And the family for a long and a healthy life. Jesus, make us out. I bless them all, Father God, I pray for every person this land that can understand my life. We bless them all as a family with a long and a healthy life. Jesus, make yourself a bless them all. We conquer the house. Father God, I pray and receive eternal life. They receive him by faith right now in the name of Jesus. If you want to receive Jesus.

[Christina P]

Is this spirit air? It's somewhere get what you pay for, guys.

[Ian]

Well, the spirit is in the. Is it in the plane?

[Spirit Air Announcer]

I bless them all, Father God, I pray for every person on this plane that can hear the sound of my voice. I bless them all and the family with a long and a healthy life. Jesus, make us out. I bless them all and the family.

[Ian]

I'm never going to be on the good flights.