Can You Be Kind Without Becoming Boring And/Or Weak? | A Question From “Mean Aunt Kate”

Summary

10% Happier with Dan Harris: Episode Summary

Episode Title: Can You Be Kind Without Becoming Boring And/Or Weak? | A Question From “Mean Aunt Kate”
Release Date: April 11, 2025

In this insightful episode of 10% Happier with Dan Harris, host Dan Harris delves into a poignant question from a listener affectionately known as “Mean Aunt Kate.” The episode explores the delicate balance between cultivating kindness and maintaining personal boundaries, addressing fears that increased compassion might lead to becoming soft, weak, or overly accommodating. Through personal anecdotes, expert insights, and relatable discussions, Dan provides a comprehensive guide for those seeking to enhance their kindness without compromising their assertiveness or authenticity.

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1. Introduction to the Episode

Dan Harris sets the stage by introducing the episode’s central question: “If you endeavor to train your mind for increased kindness, will that make you soft, edgeless, humorless, or even weak or a doormat?” (00:19). He explains that this episode is part of a series of experimental segments aimed at providing diverse content, including guided meditations and interactive sessions with listeners. Dan mentions the “renegade Sangha” sessions on Substack, where he engages directly with the audience through guided practices and Q&A.

2. Presenting Kate's Dilemma

At 04:54, Dan introduces Kate’s question, highlighting her self-deprecating nickname, “Mean Aunt Kate.” Kate shares her struggle with balancing compassion—for herself and others—with her ingrained tendency to “suck it up.” She expresses a desire for more softness while fearing that embracing kindness might lead to negative perceptions or lack of assertiveness. Her question encapsulates a common concern among those pursuing personal growth and mindfulness: “Is there a practice to aid my discernment between tolerating everything or nothing at all?”

3. Dan's Personal Reflections and Relatability

Dan empathizes with Kate, recounting his own challenges in expressing emotions and affection. He humorously refers to himself as a “Frosty New Englander” and acknowledges societal conditioning, particularly masculinity norms that discourage emotional openness. Dan shares, “As somebody who rejected it initially, first seeing all the science that shows that it can be profound in its psychological, physiological and behavioral impacts...” (06:15). This personal touch establishes a relatable foundation, illustrating that the journey toward increased kindness is both personal and universal.

4. The Practice of Loving Kindness Without Weakness

Diving deeper, Dan addresses the core of Kate’s concern by explaining that cultivating kindness does not equate to becoming a doormat. He emphasizes the importance of discernment and setting healthy boundaries. Dan recounts a story involving Sharon Salzberg, where compassion was illustrated through an example of responding to aggression with protective kindness: “You should compassionately smack them with your umbrella.” (09:30). This metaphor underscores that kindness and strength are not mutually exclusive; rather, they coexist through mindful action and intentional boundaries.

Dan also discusses the pragmatic aspects of integrating loving-kindness into daily life. He shares his own experiences with loving-kindness meditation, noting the gradual but significant changes in his default mode of interacting with others. “I’ve just seen real changes over time where my default mode is warmer...” (07:45). This progression highlights that developing kindness is a deliberate practice that enhances emotional resilience rather than diminishing it.

5. Incorporating Listener Feedback and Community Support

Interspersed within the episode are comments from other listeners, such as Allie, who resonates with Kate’s situation. Allie appreciates the balance represented by “Mean Aunt Kate,” noting how her sister provides a grounding presence to her more “pixie dust, safe space attitude.” Dan uses these testimonials to reinforce the idea that embracing kindness is a multifaceted endeavor supported by a community. “I don’t want you to think, Kate, that you need to shave off all of your edges...” (09:00) he reassures, promoting a balanced approach to personal growth.

6. Concluding Thoughts and Encouragement

As the episode wraps up, Dan reiterates that embracing kindness does not require sacrificing one’s authenticity or boundaries. He encourages listeners to adopt a growth mindset, assuring them that gradual and systematic changes are achievable. Dan emphasizes that compassion, empathy, and kindness should enhance one’s ability to navigate relationships and self-interactions without relinquishing personal strength or identity.

He concludes with a nod to the interconnectedness of all beings, highlighting his personal mantra: “for the benefit of all beings.” (10:30). This encapsulates the essence of the episode’s message—fostering kindness enriches both personal well-being and the broader community without compromising one’s integrity or strength.

Key Takeaways:

• Balancing Kindness and Boundaries: Cultivating kindness is compatible with maintaining personal boundaries and assertiveness.

• Gradual Practice: Incremental and consistent practice of loving-kindness meditation can lead to meaningful personal transformation.

• Community Support: Engaging with a supportive community amplifies the effectiveness of kindness practices.

• Personal Growth Mindset: Embracing a growth mindset facilitates the development of compassion without sacrificing strength or authenticity.

Notable Quotes:

• “I don't think you should feel bad about your conditioning and let's adopt a growth mindset.” – Dan Harris (05:30)

• “You should compassionately smack them with your umbrella.” – Guru Story Recounted by Dan Harris (09:30)

• “I've just seen real changes over time where my default mode is warmer...” – Dan Harris (07:45)

• “for the benefit of all beings.” – Dan Harris (10:30)

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This episode serves as a valuable resource for anyone grappling with integrating kindness into their lives without losing personal strength or edge. Dan Harris masterfully combines personal anecdotes, listener stories, and practical insights to offer a nuanced perspective on fostering compassion in a balanced and authentic manner.

Transcript

[Kate]

Foreign.

[Dan Harris]

This is the 10% Happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris.

[Kate]

Hey.

[Dan Harris]

Hey. Today we've got a short targeted episode that tackles one very common question. Here's the question. If, as the Buddhists recommend, if you endeavor to train your mind for increased kindness, will that make you soft, edgeless, humorless, or even weak or a doormat? As many of you know, we're in the middle of doing a lot of experimentation with our Friday episodes. We're trying tons of stuff. We're doing guided meditations, behind the scenes interviews with my producers, celebrity interviews, and little snippets from the Q and A sessions that I do with our subscribers [e-mail] and that is what we're going to try today. We're going to give you a taste of one of these so called renegade Sangha sessions that I've been doing over on Substack. In these sessions, I usually start by guiding a meditation and then I take a bunch of questions. So in this brief episode, you're going to hear one of the best, funniest and most relatable questions I have received in these sessions to date. Just a couple of notes before we dive in here. You're going to hear me mention the questioner, Kate. You'll also hear me mention another listener who made a comment. That latter comment was coming in in real time on Substack during the session, which leads me to point out that these sessions are a lot of fun and if you want to join them, you can become a subscriber and ask me questions either in advance or in real time. Also, one more thing to say here before we dive in. We, my team and I, are fully aware that the sound quality on this is not terrific. We will improve that going. I have a strangely busy travel schedule coming up in the next couple of months, but the thing that I'm really looking forward to, the bright spot on my calendar, is in a few weeks I'm going to Montauk, which is one of my favorite places in the world. It's on the eastern tip of Long Island. It's primarily known as a summer spot, but it's actually beautiful year round. I'm going to Montauk with 1, 2, 3, 4, at least four families that are close friends of ours. They all have children who get along really well with my child. And we'll all be staying not at hotels, but in houses. I love being in a big house with lots of other people. It is so much more personal and intimate than staying in a hotel with other families. With many of these families. We've gone to places like Florida and gotten Airbnbs together. Being able to stay together in a beautiful place is so much fun and again, so much more intimate. And here's the cool thing. If you're going to be traveling soon, you might actually be sitting on an Airbnb gold mine. You might be able to put your own residence up on Airbnb so you can actually earn money while you're taking a vacation. I'm a huge fan of Airbnb. Your home might be worth more than you think. Find out how [e-mail] host this show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Therapy can feel like a pretty big investment of time and money, but in my experience, it is definitely worth it. I say this as somebody who's had therapy on and off for several decades, including when I was a child, and who is now part of a family where we spend a decent amount on therapy, but it is really worth it. It is incredibly helpful for for my relationships, for the people in my family and their mental health. You can look at this in terms of the raw numbers here. Traditional in person therapy can cost anywhere from 100 to 250 bucks a session, which definitely adds up quickly. But BetterHelp online therapy helps you save on average up to 50% per session. So with BetterHelp, you pay a flat fee for weekly sessions, saving you big on cost and time. Therapy should feel accessible, not like a luxury. It really is kind of a human right. With online therapy, you get quality care at a price that makes sense and can help you with anything from anxiety to everyday stress. Your mental health is worth it, and now it's within reach. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally. It's convenient, too. You can join a session with the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life. Plus, you can switch therapists anytime. Your well being is worth it. Visit betterhelp.com happier today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp h lp.com happier okay, let's dive in now on this question from Kate.

[Kate]

Kate asks, I attended the Insight event in New York City earlier this week. So I did an event with Seben A. Selassie and Jeff Warren at the New York Insight Meditation Center. It was a benefit for them and Kate was there. I'm glad you came, Kate. Kate continues I wanted to ask this question, but I couldn't get it to cohere into words at the time. So here it goes. I'm a Gen Xer and my family nickname is Mean At Kate, it's mostly a joke, but I struggle with compassion for myself and others. I want more softness, but my default mode is suck it up, Buttercup. Phrases like safe space, trigger eye rolls, but who doesn't want safety? So is there a practice to aid my discernment between tolerating everything or nothing at all? Thank you for this space heart emoji, I suspect. Kate, it took a lot for you to drop that heart emoji in there. Would for me, this story makes me love you. Mean Aunt Kate is awesome. I have a friend the other day who I was having breakfast with. Within the last year or so, she's had three grandchildren, and she refers to herself as Bad Grandma because she's got a lot of mixed emotions. She loves her children and grandchildren and some of the things that stereotypically a grandma does, she doesn't like doing, and she has some guilt about that. But look, first of all, I relate to both Bad Grandma and Mean Aunt Katie deeply. As I've often joked, my default mode is Frosty New Englander. And the good news is that, well, first of all, I don't think you should feel bad about your conditioning and let's adopt a growth mindset. And I think you've done this here in this question, that change is possible. I mean, that's one of the fundamental promises of the Dharma, or modern psychology, that we can change. I don't know that you're going to become a Care Bear overnight, but you can slowly and systematically and in pretty messy ways change your default mode. And I found this for myself. As somebody who's struggled to show emotion or affection to the people in my lives, I think part of my conditioning is not only being from New England, although I know plenty of warm people from New England, but also being a dude, because we're not exactly rewarded for. At least when I was coming up, we weren't rewarded for displaying emotion. But this is where meditation practice is so fucking helpful for me. Doing loving kindness practice, which I get, might jab at the same part of your brain that doesn't like terms such as safe spaces. And I don't like terms like that either. And then of course, I kind of hate myself for not liking it, because as you say, who doesn't want safety? We all have tastes, and for some of us, loving kindness is not going to be to our liking initially. And of course you don't have to do this. But for me as somebody who rejected it initially, first seeing all the science that shows that it can be profound in its psychological, physiological and behavioral impacts. And then also just talking myself into doing protracted high dose periods of practice, meaning that I've gone on some loving kindness meditation retreats and then I've also tried to get it into my daily practice in a pretty prominent way. I've just seen real changes over time where my default mode is warmer and, you know, I'm not trailing pixie dust behind me all the time. I'm still, you know, as my staff sometimes tell me, have a like arresting bitch face. And I can be a little scary and a little cranky sometimes. And that's the truth of my conditioning. And I'm working to slowly improve over time. And I think that's possible for any of us. What I want to try to disabuse you of is this idea, Kate, that it's going to lead you to tolerating everything, that it's going to make you a doormat or resigned. That's a misunderstanding and maybe even a misfiring of compassion or empathy or kindness. I often talk about this little tattoo I have here that says for the benefit of all beings. Also off brand for Gen Xers who like nihilistic sarcasm. But the second to last letter A for the benefit of all beings. And I have an acronym on my wrist here, F, T, P, O, A, B. But that A stands for all all beings. And you're a part of that. And so that doesn't mean you should tolerate people being mean to you or that you should invite somebody who's been inappropriate over for dinner. Discernment is absolutely part of the deal. And having compassion, empathy, even love for yourself means that you sometimes need to draw a line, set a boundary. There's a great story about, I think it was Sharon Salzberg or somebody asking a guru in India back in the 70s or 60s about compassion. And what do you do if somebody's trying to mug you? And the answer was something like you should compassionately smack them with your umbrella. And so I don't think this leads to tolerating the intolerable just because you're trying to be more kind and compassionate. Just see a quick note here from Allie who says, I totally appreciate this question and I also have a real appreciation for mean Aunt Kate and those like her. My sister is like this and she's a wonderful balance to my sometimes overly pixie dust, safe space attitude. Yes, Bad grandma and mean Aunt Kate. It's hilarious, my friend. The bad grandma. I met her years ago when she was not a grandma yet and one of the first things I liked about her was that she was so tough. So I don't want you to think, Kate, that you need to shave off all of your edges. I think you can do a little bit of this practice that might make you easier on yourself and easier with others. And of course, as your relationships with others improve, your inner weather is likely to improve. And that's the cheesy upward spiral that I like to get people on. But that doesn't mean you can't say fuck, it doesn't mean you can't make wise ass comments, and it doesn't mean you have to walk around extolling the virtues of a safe space, even if we all agree on the value of safety.

[Dan Harris]

Thank you to mean at Kate Best name ever. Don't forget to sign [e-mail] subscribers get a regular IV drip of wisdom from me in your inbox. You get ad free versions of this podcast. You get transcripts of every podcast along with a cheat sheet that sums up the key learnings. And you get the twice monthly live sessions where I guide to meditation and take your questions. And I think probably most importantly, you get to be part of a really cool community of people who take this stuff seriously. So come check out what we're doing. Before I go, I just want to thank everybody who worked so hard to make this show. Our producers are Tara Anderson, Caroline Keenan and Emily Eleanor Vasily. Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our production manager, Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer, DJ Kashmir is our executive producer and Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme.

[C]

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[D]

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