Perfectionism, Burnout, and Self-Doubt: Break the Loop with the Science of Mattering | Gordon Flett

Summary

---

Podcast Summary: Perfectionism, Burnout, and Self-Doubt: Break the Loop with the Science of Mattering | 10% Happier with Dan Harris ft. Gordon Flett

Date: July 13, 2026
Host: Dan Harris
Guest: Gordon Flett, retired psychology professor, York University
Theme: Exploring the harms of perfectionism and how the science of "mattering" can provide a powerful, practical antidote.

---

Episode Overview

This episode delves into the pervasive problems of perfectionism, toxic comparison, burnout, and self-doubt. Host Dan Harris interviews Dr. Gordon Flett, a leading researcher on perfectionism and the emerging science of "mattering." Together, they explore why perfectionism is not simply "trying hard" or "doing your best," but a destructive force linked to stress, impaired relationships, and even early mortality. Flett offers actionable advice on cultivating mattering, self-compassion, and deep connections as pathways out of the perfectionism trap.

---

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The True Nature and Cost of Perfectionism

[03:01–06:06]

• Origins: Flett began researching perfectionism after seeing its crippling effect among highly capable students, coupled with personal connections to perfectionists.
• Common Myth: Society glamorizes perfectionism as a ‘strength’ (e.g., job interviews), but this is a dangerous misconception.

  “For me [perfectionism] would be a red flag… it is associated with a lot of self doubt and concerns about how you’re being seen by others.” — Gordon Flett, [04:35]

• Performance Impact: Research shows perfectionism undermines productivity and work quality.
• Mental & Physical Health Risks: Perfectionism is strongly associated with rumination, stress, health problems, and even higher mortality.
• Distinction: Healthy striving ≠ perfectionism. The former allows for satisfaction; the latter never feels “enough” and is rigid, relentless.

2. Toxic Comparison & Burnout

[07:24–11:13]

• Chronic Comparison: Perfectionists—exemplified by figures like Brian Wilson—never feel satisfied due to relentless comparisons (e.g., with the Beatles).

  “You can always, if you look hard enough, find somebody who seems to be doing better than you and then feeling like a failure even though you’re incredibly successful.” — Flett, [08:44]

• Fun as a Red Flag: Some perfectionists view enjoyment as proof they aren’t “working hard enough.”
• Burnout: Perfectionism is tightly linked to emotional exhaustion—e.g., the very inventor of “burnout” succumbed to its effects.

3. The Social Rise of Perfectionism

[11:13–14:04]

• Increasing Trend: Studies show all forms of perfectionism have risen dramatically over decades, especially among students.
• Societal Factors: Social media and societal expectations fuel “societally prescribed perfectionism”—the sense that the world demands flawlessness.
• “Life Rumination”: People fixate on others’ seemingly superior lives, often based on curated, inauthentic representations online.

4. Why Comparison Is So Hard to Escape

[14:04–15:34]

• Comparison is often forced—from siblings, parents, or social reference points—making it hard to avoid.
• Perfectionists resist self-compassion; mistake “being kind to myself” for making excuses.

5. Self-Compassion as Antidote—But a Difficult One

[16:38–21:22]

• Perfectionists’ Resistance: Many find self-compassion “a self-stigma”—fear being soft on themselves.

  “Clinicians have said perfectionists really resist the concept of self-compassion. It’s almost like a self stigma.” — Flett, [17:30]

• Therapeutic Approaches: Reframe self-talk—what advice would you offer a struggling friend? Apply that inwardly.
• Unconditional Self-Acceptance: Attainable, but a “much higher bar,” often requiring deep self-examination and overcoming internalized parental or societal messages.

6. The Interpersonal Toll: Perfectionism Pushes People Away

[23:35–29:36]

• Social Disconnection Model: Perfectionism leads to loneliness and impoverished relationships.
• Notable Example: Ted Kaczynski’s descent into isolation and alienation, driven by rigid perfectionism and social disconnect.
• Parental Impact: Stories of Tiger Moms/Dads and high-achieving, but deeply unhappy children and adults.

7. The Science of Mattering

[33:45–36:47]

• Definition: Mattering means feeling you are valued by others, make a difference, and would be missed.

  “This form of mattering is about mattering to other people… that they would miss you if you’re not around.” — Flett, [34:05]

• Personal Roots: Flett’s own strong sense of mattering arose from loving grandparents and a supportive mother, contrasted with experiences of loss and disconnection.

8. The Direct Link: Perfectionism as a Substitute for Mattering

[38:50–40:54]

• Perfectionism as Coping: It’s a (flawed) way to seek unmet needs for love, acceptance, and belonging. But it never works for long and often leads to greater loneliness and exhaustion.

9. How Mattering Heals—If It’s Real

[41:10–42:52]

• If you genuinely feel you matter, perfectionism’s grip can loosen, because love and acceptance no longer hinge on performance.

  “If you can just shift your focus... to the fact that there are people who love you no matter what, flaws and all... it can illuminate the absurdity and the self-defeating nature of perfectionism.” — Dan Harris, [42:15]

• Challenge: Some, due to past neglect or trauma, struggle to internalize that they matter—even when evidence is present.

10. Anti-Mattering and Its Social Roots

[44:25–50:28]

• Anti-Mattering: Feeling invisible, insignificant, or devalued—often due to childhood adversity or societal oppression (racism, ageism, marginalization).
• Fear of Not Mattering: Rising in the age of AI and rapid societal changes—threatening relevance or meaningful roles.
• Social Consequences: Feelings of anti-mattering can drive antisocial behaviors and violence (e.g., as a “search for significance”).

11. The Dangers of Humiliation and Isolation

[50:28–51:43]

• Humiliation is a potent psychological force fueling depression, cruelty, and even geopolitical turmoil.

  “Humiliation is an underappreciated force in human affairs...” — Dan Harris, [50:28]

---

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On perfectionism’s emotional cost:

  “We actually showed...perfectionism undermined performance and had lower quality work.” — Gordon Flett, [04:35]

• On perfectionists’ relationship struggles:

  “Perfectionism is...consistently linked with loneliness and pushing people away.” — Flett, [24:17]

• On the dangers of undervaluing mattering:

  “Some people...have had a life of neglect… not really capable of feeling the sense of mattering at the start. They have to learn to be able to take in the feeling and then apply it…” — Flett, [42:52]

• Emotional resonance of mattering:

  “I said, if you’re somebody who’s a caregiver… this is the first time anybody’s ever told me that I’m appreciated.” — Audience member to Flett, [59:32]

• On parenting and mattering:

  “If you’re not sure about whether somebody knows [they matter], show them that you care... and don’t stop until they say they’ve had enough.” — Flett, [55:55]

---

Practical Strategies and Tips

1. How to Self-Assess Your Mattering

[51:43–55:55]

• Clues: Loneliness is tightly linked to not mattering. But subjective appraisals can be wrong; many underestimate how much they matter to others.
• Parental Blind Spots: Parents often assume children feel valued when many don’t (communication gap).

2. Boosting Mattering—for Others and Yourself

a. Make Others Feel They Matter
[57:13–63:54]

• Ways to Give Mattering:

  • Mentor, coach, or volunteer (“giving value to others” is rewarding and cements bonds)
  • Express genuine appreciation, both for people’s actions and their character
  • Be responsive and listen deeply; ask meaningful questions; take the time to check in
  • Small gestures count: personal notes, unexpected calls, expressing gratitude

  “A big element of mattering to others is showing that they are appreciated and showing them that you are really appreciating not only what they have done, but you also appreciate who they are as a person.” — Flett, [58:18]

• Recognition at Work: Empower others with voice and visible appreciation (prevents burnout and builds engagement).

b. Accept and Internalize Mattering Yourself
[64:21–68:57]

• For Caregivers: Seek mutual support, ask for appreciation when needed
• Self-Mattering Practices:
  • Explicitly note moments when you treat yourself well (“I know I matter to myself when…”)
  • Be mindful of your own needs, allow rest and boundaries
  • Build relationships; let reflected positive appraisals from others teach self-worth
  • “Altruistic egotism”: Seek some benefit for yourself even in service to others (avoid burnout)

3. Self-Compassion Integration

[16:38–21:22, 66:05–68:57]

• Practice talking to yourself like you would to a good friend or your own child.
• Acknowledge inevitable imperfection as universal.
• Recognize and release internalized critical voices (“parental dictates” or societal pressures).

---

Timestamps for Important Segments

• Perfectionism's Dangers & Distinctions: [03:00–07:24]
• Burnout and Toxic Comparison: [08:44–11:13]
• The Rise of Perfectionism: [11:13–14:04]
• Why Self-Compassion is So Hard for Perfectionists: [16:38–21:22]
• Impact on Relationships and Loneliness: [23:35–29:36]
• Understanding Mattering: [33:45–36:47]
• How Perfectionism and Mattering Interact: [38:50–42:52]
• Anti-Mattering and Social Marginalization: [44:25–51:43]
• Self-Assessing and Building Mattering: [51:55–68:57]
• Fear of Not Mattering & Social Media: [69:09–71:24]

---

Final Thoughts

The episode underscores a vital message: striving for perfection rarely leads to fulfillment, belonging, or love. Instead, the path toward well-being is through building a deep sense of mattering—both by nurturing it in others and allowing ourselves to receive it. This not only dissolves perfectionistic strivings but also promotes healthier, happier, and more connected lives.

“Ultimately the best relationships are the ones where people let down their guard and are willing to share what’s going on internally… because everybody has a need to matter.” — Gordon Flett, [70:32]

---

For more resources:

• Search for Gordon Flett’s open access papers on ‘mattering’
• Watch public lectures on YouTube
• Follow @gflatu on X (Twitter)
• Explore archives/episodes on the 10% Happier app

---

Summary by AI. For detailed guidance, carefully listen to the full episode: “Perfectionism, Burnout, and Self-Doubt: Break the Loop with the Science of Mattering.”

Transcript

[A]

Foreign

[B]

hey, welcome to the 10% Happier podcast.

[A]

I'm Dan Harris. Today we're talking about perfectionism, toxic social comparison, self doubt, burnout, insecurity. If any of these things sound familiar to you, we're going to talk about a really fascinating and helpful antidote and that is mattering. My guest will describe what mattering is and how you can develop it. There are lots of practical strategies. Said guest is Gordon Flett, a retired professional professor in the Department of Psychology at York University in Toronto and Canada. Gordon Flet on Mattering Coming up after this quick break, a few things before

[B]

we hear from our sponsors. I've got exciting news.

[A]

If you love this show but do

[B]

not love listening to the advertisements, a subscription to my app 10% with Dan Harris now includes a private ad free feed of the 10% Happier podcast available on whatever platform you choose, whether that's Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or right inside the app itself. Plus, along with an ad free listening experience, the app also gives you a growing library of meditations from world class teachers, exclusive live stream events with me and many of our incredible instructors, and robust and supportive discussion threads where you

[A]

can ask questions, share your struggles and

[B]

connect with our growing community. We've got a free 14 day trial if you want to try before you buy. Join the party. Danharris.com we'll be right back after this. Why does buying glasses always feel so complicated and overpriced? You're just trying to get a pair of glasses so you can see better. You don't need to like deal with a series of spreadsheets. And honestly, eye exams can be even worse. I feel like a lot of people put them off way longer than they should because the whole process just feels like a headache. Which is why my family and I are big fans of Warby Parker. They make buying glasses easier and now they're making the entire experience easier because you can actually go into one of their stores and get an eye exam right there. No running around to multiple spots, no guessing if your prescription is even up to date. Everything is super clean, modern and honestly feels more like a wellness experience than a typical eye doctor visit. And Warby Parker is covered by many major eye insurance plans and they've got just a great selection of high quality stuff. My wife, who is a tough customer, a discerning customer, is a huge fan of Warby Parker. She has many pairs of glasses from Warby Parker, including one pair that is basically on her person like 247 right now. Buy one pair of glasses and get 20% off any additional [e-mail] Happier. That's 20% off any additional pairs. When you purchase one pair at warbyparker.com/happier.

[A]

Gordon Flett, welcome to the show.

[C]

Thanks for having me, Dan.

[A]

We're going to talk about mattering, but I'd like to start with your, what I understand to be your initial scholarly interest, which is perfectionism. And I'd be curious to hear, like, how did you get interested in perfectionism?

[B]

Right.

[C]

Well, my situation with that was largely driven by my colleague who started at the university the exact same time I did, Paul Hewitt from University of British Columbia. And we just started talking about collaborating and we've been now working on this, heading towards almost, I guess over 40 years. And you know, I was interested in this as well, seeing its debilitating impact on the students that I was encountering. I spent some time at the university as the undergraduate director where I would be seeing students who were struggling and so many of them it came down to being very bright, very capable students, but debilitated by perfectionism and the self criticism that comes along with it. So there's that. There's also some family connections in terms of members of our family who are perfectionistic. I am not. People assume if you study something, you must be somebody who has that attribute. But I'm surrounded by people who do have that tendency.

[A]

You mentioned the devastating impact of perfectionistic perfectionism. Not on you, but on the students that you were working with. As a professor, a lot of people think of perfectionism as a good thing, a great way to get ahead. But clearly your work has shown that it's not. So why are people wrong when they have a positive view of perfectionism?

[C]

People have this very positive glow and people say, oh, you know, what's your biggest fault for a job interview? I'm a perfectionist. Which for me would be a red flag. When students came and said, you know, I want to work with you, I'm a perfectionist, I'm going, do you think that's a good thing to tell? Tell me. Because we know that it's associated with a lot of self doubt and concerns about how you're being seen by others. And in the case of productivity, which is the belief, if I'm a perfectionist, I'll do better and I'll produce more. We actually showed with a study of Canadian professors that perfectionism undermined performance and had lower quality work. So there's a key dividing line between conscientiousness and healthy striving versus going Too far. And unfortunately, it tends to play on people's minds when they're needing to be absolutely perfect, because we can all remember those times when we weren't, we made a mistake. And perfectionists tend to ruminate a lot about it and go over and over it so they can keep the stress fresh for them. And the bottom line, I would suggest to anybody who thinks perfectionism is a good thing is that it is associated with health problems. And one study that was done, it was shown to predict early mortality over a seven year period after controlling for some of the other big ticket factors we know that are good or bad for our health. So what we say is that anything that's so involved with stress and perfectionists generate a lot of stress. So it becomes very debilitating not only in terms of mental health, but also physical health.

[A]

You drew a line between perfectionism and conscientiousness or healthy striving.

[B]

What's the difference?

[A]

And how do we know when we're on the right or wrong side of that line?

[C]

The biggest difference, I think, is in terms of the satisfaction. People who are healthy strivers, we're striving for excellence, derive some satisfaction and know when enough is enough. But the extreme perfectionist can always find a way to push it to never ever getting that sense of satisfaction. And the example of this I point to in terms of famous people. The fellow who invented the chronometer to tell longitude, Harrison, who actually we believe is in my wife's family tree, worked for almost 50 years on the device that we ended up having to tell longitude, the chronometer, but seemed to get no satisfaction from it. And even when the British government said that it was enough in terms of meeting the requirements that they were looking for for this device, he still felt he had to work on it another 15 years. So not only is there a tendency to not have much satisfaction that goes along with that stress, there's also a rigidity in terms of, you know, needing to be perfect even when you don't really need to be perfect any longer. So it's, it's a sort of thing that ends up leaving people awash in stress.

[A]

Another historical example that I saw cited in, in some of the articles I was reading about you in preparation for this conversation is Brian Wilson, the, yes, creative force behind the Beach Boys who enjoyed an enormous amount of success, but he didn't actually enjoy the success because he was so busy comparing himself to the Beatles.

[C]

Yes, he said that he felt so small, he felt as small as the dot over the letter I trying to keep up with the Beatles. And I actually got that book, his autobiography for a dollar, in a bookstore out of a guy's garage in Vermont when we were down visiting in the US And I just said was I meant to find this book because the hyper competitiveness that was there meant I think it contributed to Brian Wilson's own mental health problems and subsequent addiction problems. Because those were the days when the Beals were putting out four or five classic albums, sometimes in one year. And he was trying to keep up with that, as opposed to artists that come out with something once every two, three, four years these days. And just impossible once you start with that game of comparing. And this is a problem with people who feel like they don't matter, but also perfectionists, is that there's a chronic social comparison orientation. And you can always, if you look hard enough, find somebody who seems to be doing better than you and then feeling like a failure even though you're incredibly successful.

[A]

It's interesting. I see this in myself, I think, a lot about a quote that. That I heard from this young woman who has a very successful substack that I read. Her name is Emily Sundberg, and she's got a substack called Feed Me if anybody wants to follow it. It's very good. And she writes a lot about business. And one of the things that one of her observations is it's very hard to compete with a team that is having more fun than you. And I sometimes look at myself and the way I operate in business, and it's often a death march or a slog, and it isn't as much fun as I really want it to be. And I think that's because of some perfectionistic tendencies that are not allowing me to declare when enough is enough so that I can relax, recharge, and have more fun.

[C]

Yeah, I've seen that in case of people who. It's almost like, if I'm having fun, I must not be working hard enough. I must not be pushing myself hard enough. I need to go right to the point of exhaustion. And indeed, one of the biggest correlates of perfectionism, and where you have to say at the end of the day, is it worth it? Was the extreme burnout is consistently linked with the different dimensions of perfectionism that we've studied over the years. And there I point to the example of the guy who created the burnout concept, Freudenberger, who himself pushed him himself to the point of absolute exhaustion and burnout to the point where the family is sitting in the car waiting to go on the family vacation, and dad can't get out of bed because he's so debilitatingly exhausted that they end up calling off the vacation. And in his book, which is very hard to find, he talks extensively about perfectionism. And I think it was a lot of projection that was in there because he was pushing himself beyond the limit. And the thing that always gets me and my colleague Paul is how can it be? Everybody says, no, nobody's perfect, but it's almost like somebody's still trying to be the one, or at least if not perfect, being better than somebody else who's out there. And the standards for comparison are such. I know on one podcast, famous US Olympic sprinter Michael Johnson is lamenting the fact that people have beaten his time, even though he's now retired. And it's not fair to compare his past performance to current athletes because you can always see, well, then I have to not only be perfect, I have to be the best.

[A]

Is perfectionism on the rise these days? And if so, why?

[C]

Yes, it is on the rise. I know you had a previous guest, Tom Curran on, and he just had a new paper that came out this past week showing once again what they'd found in an earlier work called the Meta Analysis, showing that when you took our scales and our scales measure three elements of perfectionism. One is self oriented perfectionism, asking perfection of demanding it from the self, other oriented, demanding it from other people, and then socially prescribed, which is the feeling that others expect you to be perfect. So there's a flip side of other oriented. Well, charting scores for students over the years have shown that these levels keep going up and up across 30, 40 years of collecting data with our scale, which is called the Multidimensional Perfectionism Scale. So it's pretty clear. And what I point to, I've looked at more recently the concept of societally prescribed perfectionism, the idea that we're having cues in society, and some of that is social media, where you can find people who are engaging in crafted lives, who show only the good side of their seemingly perfect life. And, and people say that even when people go, I know that's not true, they still feel badly when they start to compare their own lives to those images. And I think in general, there are certain societies where also it's more expected that you should be absolutely aiming for the top. And never. I've had work done with colleagues in China and Japan and even in Russia, where that's something that's sort of expected societally. So I think. But the big thing I point to is the perniciousness of social comparison now enabled by having the opportunity to go online and see how other people are doing. And I remember when I was in school, many, many, many moons ago, it used to be that you would compare on test scores, but now you can compare on lives. And we've actually started looking at what we call social comparison, life rumination, where we do have students who are saying, I can't stop thinking about how other people are doing in life and they're doing better than me. And perfectionists are likely to do this. Also people who are prone to say, well, I don't matter as much as they do because look at their lives, they've got their act together, they've got the status that I can only hope to dream of. But in fact the problem is, and what I'd like to tell your listeners is that there are so many people out there who are putting false images out there. And I tell students, don't compare. There's no way to win that game. Especially when you realize that there are people out there who are not being truthful, that they are totally posing how their life is going. And then when you find out in some sad examples where we found out that somebody was actually hurting but putting this image out there and nobody knew that the person needed help when they

[A]

desperately needed it, but you say, don't compare, but that seems so much easier said than done.

[C]

Yes, yeah, that's true. It's also another thing that we've been studying is the idea of forced comparison so that people say, I don't want to compare, but I keep getting this rubbed in my nose wherever I go. Or it could be the case of a sibling being compared to an older sibling by a parent or a teacher. So it's not easy to avoid these kinds of information bursts that can really hit at your sense of who you are. So that's where you need to learn how to be able to not internalize it and to judge yourself based on this. And there's a reason why perfectionists are very, very low in self compassion. But that's exactly what they need. They need to be able to start to learn how to be kind to themselves instead of pushing themselves and judging themselves according to impossible standards, but also forgiving themselves if they made a mistake. We also study mistake rumination and the tendency for a mistake to haunt someone years afterwards because they just can't get past it. And they'll wake up dreaming about a mistake as if they're right back in that situation and not realizing that a mistake could happen due to anything that happens. That may not be a reflection on the self, but they see it as a reflection on the self because they don't want to. Also, perfectionists like control and they don't want to admit that there are things that could happen that are beyond their control.

[A]

As I keep saying, we will get to mattering because that, that is the, the heart of the matter in terms of the focus of this conversation and

[C]

as you could have had a two parter with me or my colleague and because we could talk all day about perfectionism too.

[A]

It is mattering is such an important, as you argue and your research shows, such an important antidote to perfectionism. But since you brought up self compassion, I think it's worth just taking a beat here. People who've listened to this show for a while, I talk about self compassion all the time. It is one way to think about it is just the ability to relate to yourself the way you would relate to a good friend, which is we all have this capacity to be great teachers, mentors, parents, friends, et cetera. The radical and empowering notion at the heart of self compassion is you can channel that innate capacity that you do have toward yourself. So maybe just say a little bit more about how one can practice self compassion specifically as it relates to perfectionism and toxic comparison.

[C]

Just say in terms of that that it's not just a problem with the perfectionism lack of self compassion students. We've had a recent paper where we showed that young mothers of young children, if they're perfectionistic, are exceedingly low in self compassion. So they're not giving themselves a break. And that really comes back to the idea of. I know you've talked about mindfulness and imagery on the show. Perfectionism is kind of antithetical to the mindfulness approach because they're too busy achieving and doing and not being able to engage in self reflection. That that's not rumination. One of the things about perfectionists is, you know, just, just being able to reward yourself is a form of kindness when you actually do well, as opposed to absolutely perfect and giving some positive self thoughts there and pats on the back. I've talked to clinicians, I'm not a clinician, but I've studied so much related to what they do. And I've talked to clinicians who have said that perfectionists really resist the concept of self compassion. It's almost like a self stigma. It's like, oh, if I'm being kind on myself, I'm making an excuse. And why do I need to make an excuse? Because I'm not perfect. And then back down the cognitive rabbit hole they go. So what they end up doing often with these very resistant perfectionists is they say to them, okay, well what would you say to your best friend who's doing this? Let's think of your best friend growing up, you know, six or seven, if you saw your friend doing this, what would you say to that young person who's your pal? And they say, well, I wouldn't let them beat themselves up. And then they said, well, okay, well now imag that you are that person, because why would you do that to yourself if you happen to be that person? And that then proceeds into a discussion about the relationship that the self has with the self and understanding that at the root of it is that we all deserve to get a sense of self acceptance. And this is what perfectionists cannot do. They do not have unconditional self acceptance. So learning that is a vital thing. And really acknowledging, as threatening as it might be, that nobody is perfect and there's a reason why humans are flawed and anybody has got issues. But realizing that other people are much better at hiding some of those issues. And perfectionists are one who tend to very much hide behind the front, which I know you've discussed in other segments.

[A]

What's interesting in listening to you right there is relating to yourself the way you would relate to a good friend. That, that I think for most people will seem doable. But you then said unconditional self acceptance, that feels like a higher bar, at least to me. But maybe I'm wrong.

[C]

Yeah, it is a much higher bar. And of course, sometimes it's wrapped around the interactions we've had with parents. I know. I've talked to one literary agent about perfectionism and she said that the maximum in her family, her mother, was don't be expecting unconditional positive regard around here because I expect you to perform. And we internalize those parental dictates often if we do have somebody like that. So the socially prescribed perfectionism is not just your perception, but it's veridical in terms of what is being demanded. As it is sometimes in workplace situations where you've got to be spot on and you'll hear immediately if you're not from somebody, usually the Internet will jump up and remind somebody they need to be perfect. So it's not easy. So that's why often when it's really a deep, deep clinical issue, it's not going to be a simple matter that somebody might need more than one or two sessions if they're willing to go for help, which perfectionists are often not willing to go for help either, because you have to be able then to admit that you're not perfect to be able to do that, but at least being aware of the fact that this is something you shouldn't be doing and finding ways to practice techniques so you don't automatically do that. And I don't mind pointing again to the links with the health and saying to somebody, if you're driven to do this and beat yourself up because you think it'll pay off, sometimes you'll find out when your health is so much in jeopardy that it didn't pay off. And we've heard from people who said, geez, if I'd only known sooner because I didn't have to go down this road. And then they're facing a grim set of circumstances. Eventually some people just have to. I think it'd be helpful to look at some of the famous celebrities and their challenges and realize that even these people who might seem perfect, they might seem to have ideal lives, have been through a lot and they've had to learn to accept that they have their limitations as well.

[A]

Every single thing you said there is helpful for our entire 23 minute acquaintance. And I do want to press on. Unconditional self acceptance, Is that really something you think a non Buddhist monk can achieve?

[C]

I think so. I think people to get to a sense of unconditional self acceptance, you're going to need a lot of learning by seeing what happens to yourself and to others when you're not able to come up with that. And that's another part of it as well, is that people who are hard on themselves also tend to be critical of others. And there's a correlation for those who people who are able to develop unconditional self acceptance, they also tend to be more accepting of other people, which again is something that perfectionists have a very difficult time doing. But I would just encourage people to just start to try and connect their own dots through a mindfulness practice of saying, we're only on this planet for so long. And here's a style that might help me in the short term, but in the long term the stress is going to end up taking a toll. And the creator of the stress concept, Salye, who was a person immigrated to Canada and then developed the concept of stress, said that we have some stress. It invariably knows what part of our bodies to attack where we're most vulnerable. So if somebody thinks well, it's not going to get me. Eventually it's going to come home to roost for everyone.

[A]

Let me see if I can describe how this has worked for me and you can tell me if, if it sounds right to you. As somebody who's really studied this for a long time. I started with basic self compassion. You know, learning to, when I can remember to do it in moments of suffering, to talk to myself the way I talk to my son, for example. And I found that very helpful. I found, just as you said, that the more I was easing up on the internal cattle prod in my own mind, the better my relationships were and the more accepting and understanding I was in my relationships. And because. And we're going to get to this when we talk about mattering, because relationships are really the most important variable in human flourishing. That's what the data shows over and over and over again.

[B]

I then started to get even happier, and then my relationships improved even more,

[A]

and up I went. And I often think about something I heard a guest on this. On this show once say, which is that wounding happens in relationships, but healing happens in relationships too. And so I don't know that I have perpetual unconditional self acceptance, but I am much closer to it and achieve it momentarily, not because purely of internal work, but because my internal work has unlocked so much warmth in my relationships that it has put me occasionally on this upward spiral. So I said a lot there. But does any of that land with you?

[C]

Oh, it all lands with me, especially the importance of relationships. I think that's one thing that might help people to really get past their own tendency to just be hard on themselves and say, I'm not letting up. Because you do get into this evaluative mindset that you use to apply to other people. I'm convinced that perfectionists are very evaluative people and they can't help themselves sometimes. But at the end of the day, when people have had serious health issues, they're not thinking about, well, why didn't somebody do that? Or why didn't somebody do this? They're thinking about, hey, why aren't there more people around? And one of the byproducts that we study of perfectionism is under a model we call the social disconnection model. Because perfectionism is a factor that is not widely acknowledged, but it is consistently linked with loneliness and pushing people away. And there's abject stories of isolated people. The person I could point to the most here would be Kaczynski, the Unabomber. There he is. In his shack, and I think it was Montana as a failed math professor, extreme perfectionist and telling society how they need to be in his manifesto. And he was totally isolated from his family, from just about everybody. And at the end of the day, I would say to people, when they say, oh, perfectionism is working for me, I'd say two things. How's your health? And how are your relationships? Because we made our mark in the field by talking about the interpersonal side of perfectionism and how it costs so many different ways in terms of the impoverished social network and ending up feeling totally isolated and alienated in some instances. And to me, as you say, life is about people. At the end of the day, it's really all that matters. And this is a tendency that just keeps people away, either because you want to stay isolated because you're expecting others to be harsh or not what you want them to be, or others have learned to take a wide berth and not engage because they're not wanting to be held up to those same standards. And, you know, I think it's great when you said, though, that, you know, I think, well, how would I talk to my son? I need to start talking to myself that way. I think most parents could relate to that. They wouldn't want to be hard. There are some parents who are exceedingly perfectionistic and feel that they. They need to push their. Their kids right to, you know, the edge. But. But others realize they want that relationship. They would, you know, a balance, certainly, in terms of the focus on achievement versus the having a person who's a nice person, who should be somebody that people want to spend time with on

[A]

the planet, maybe to a fault, but I'm not a tiger dad. He gets as much candy and TV time with his dad.

[C]

You Don't Want to be a Tiger dad, the book about tiger moms. You know, there's the story of the one daughter in the book, because I read anything that I think might smack of something to do with perfectionism. And when you find a story in that book of the young child going out with no clothes into the snow to get away from the mom who's expecting a lot, that is not what anybody could see as a good outcome. It's funny. I'll just say this bridge a little to mattering. Is that the concept I have of antimattering, which we'll explain. But I was reading and found the book biography about Paul Dirac, who was the person who was the famous Nobel Prize winner who created the concept of antimatter, but he had A horrible father. He had a father that saw him as the protege. So he drilled his son separately in a separate table while the rest of the family ate in the kitchen. And when he made a mistake in terms of teaching him languages, he would humiliate him. So that Dirac, who ended up being a Nobel prize winner, wouldn't say anything to other people in public. He wouldn't interact. He certainly couldn't be on a podcast because he was so worried about the reaction if he varied and made a mistake in terms of what he was saying. So it got to the point where he was a guy who was brilliant. His father coached him in terms of the academic side and he ends up doing this, but he ends up winning the Nobel. I think a lot of Sheldon and Big Bang is based on his personality characteristics. But at the end of the day, he ends up hating his father and sort of tolerating his mother so that when he wins the Nobel he invites his mother and refuses to have his father come. And sadly, his older brother saw the favor treatment that he was getting and he ended up taking his own life. And Dirac said that the only time I thought that our parents cared about us was when I saw my dad crying at my brother's funeral. So I'm going. That's a cautionary tale about what cost achievement. And the parent seemingly was oblivious to how the kids were feeling about the interaction style. But. But you know, eventually it had such significant costs and to develop that sense of resentment over over not. Not getting the kind of treatment and there knows no sort of affection was shown certainly by the father.

[A]

I'm screwing my son up in lots of ways, but it's not that way.

[C]

I'm sure you're doing a great job on a lot of things too. I got to be. I got to be the prophet for the self. Self reward and kindness.

[A]

Right? Exactly. Thank you for modeling that. Yes.

[B]

My wife and I have been enjoying IQ bars recently. These are plant based protein bars that taste great when most plant based products honestly taste like chalk. They're great as a breakfast replacement. When I don't have time for a proper breakfast, I just grab one of these IQ bars. They taste great and super nutritious. IQ Bar is actually our exclusive snack sponsor here on the show. IQ bars are better for you. Clean plant protein bars packed with fiber and brain boosting nutrients with zero added sugar. You no longer have to choose between healthy or delicious snacks. IQ bars plant protein bars are packed with high quality ingredients to help keep you physically and mentally fit. You won't find any unrecognizable ingredients. In fact, the number one ingredient in their bars is almond. IQ bars are great for any diet, whether by choice or due to allergies. They've got over 20,000 five star reviews and counting. And right now IQ Bar is offering our special podcast listeners 20% off all IQ Bar products. Plus you can get free shipping. To get your 20% off, text DAN to 64,000 Text DAN to 64,000 that's DAN to 64,000 Message and data rates may apply. See terms for details. Foreign. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. We talk about mental health more openly these days, but asking for help can still feel hard. And Better Help's latest research confirms this. BetterHelp's 2026 State of Stigma report surveyed 2,000Americans and revealed that 85% of Americans believe getting support is wise, yet 74% say society discourages people from doing so. I find these numbers personally quite disturbing. Nobody should feel stigmatized for getting help. You don't feel funny about getting your heart checked, so getting your brain and mind checked should be completely fine. I see a therapist, have seen a therapist since I was a little boy. It is an enormously helpful thing to do. And it's also not for nothing, not self indulgent, because taking care of yourself helps you be better resourced and better prepared to take care of other people. With over 30,000 therapists, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 6 million people globally. Don't let stigma stand in the way of support. Start therapy with BetterHelp. Sign up and get 10% off at betterhelp.com happier that's betterhelp.com happier. Running a business means you are always reachable until you're not. And the moment you miss that call, that text, that follow up, a competitor is the one who picks it up. That's why today's episode is brought to you by Quo, spelled Q U O the business phone system built so you never miss an opportunity. All your calls, texts and voicemails live in one place so anyone on your team can pick up a conversation, see the full history and respond fast. Quo is the number one rated business phone system on G2, trusted by over 90,000 businesses who rely on it to stay reachable and look professional every day. Customer service is a huge part of the business that I'm running.

[A]

If you're running a business where you

[B]

need to be on point when it comes to customer service, Quo is an excellent option. They've Got a built in AI agent

[A]

that handles after hours calls, answers questions

[B]

and even books appointments. So you never miss a lead even when your team is offline.

[A]

Money is on the line.

[B]

Always say hello with Quo. Try Quo for free plus 20% off your first six months when you go to quo.comhappier that's quo.comhappier.

[A]

So let's talk about mattering. We established early on that you kind of made your mark in academia with perfectionism, but over time started to add to get interested in mattering, which you see as a kind of antidote to perfectionism. Let's just start with a basic definition. What do you mean by mattering?

[C]

Well, this form of mattering is about mattering to other people so that other people care about you, other people are interested in you, other people essentially value you so that they would miss you if you're not around. So essentially in the most extreme example would be somebody treats you as a special kid, the one who, you know, the grandparent who treats you as a special kid. But people care about you and clearly you know that you make a difference in their lives and ideally they do the same in your life.

[A]

You mentioned the grandchild. I think some of your interest in mattering comes from experiences with your grandmother.

[C]

Yes. The story I like to tell is that both of my grandmothers worked at the cafeteria that was at the top of the road where my one grandmother and grandfather lived. And we would get to go visit and my sister and I would get treated like the king and the queen are there. And everything was there except the red carpet and surrounded by people who knew that we were coming and were also giving us this adulation. And it can really mess with you because you don't realize at the time that other kids are not that fortunate. So we were very fortunate, fortunate to have this. And the other grandmother who worked there actually lived with us. So I was sort of raised by our parents, but also our grandmother and grandfather in the house. When you're surrounded by people who show you that kind of care and affection, it's a great start. And you know, if only everybody had that start to life because we know that others are not as fortunate. And my mother as well was somebody who was, you know, so effective. She only went to grade eight, but she learned the street smarts and the importance of relationships and where it comes into play in terms of the, you know, the mattering as healing. I can remember my childhood sounding idyllic there. Idyllic. But it all took a turn when I was home for lunch. The Day that JFK was assassinated and the TV was on. So I'm there home having my lunch. I'm six years old and I'm watching the tv, Walter Cronkite. And the news comes that the President has been shot. Ultimately the President is gone. And I'm thinking, what? How could this be? I just saw him on tv and how does a six year old make any sense of this? So my mother and grandmother were both there and they kept me home and said, we need to talk about it, we want to know what you're thinking. And I was fortunate to be able to have two loving adults who helped me make some sense out of this. But I sort of filed it away and didn't realize that there was a research element to this in terms of mattering until much later on down the road.

[A]

You had a light bulb moment about mattering after a near death experience.

[C]

Yeah, that was one of the times I had a light bulb. I can just say that I feel sometimes you study something that you're meant to study. In this case, the initial work on mattering was very sparse. And I sent off for a book as a graduate student that had this piece in there and I go, what is this concept? And I go, oh. And Rosenberg, the famous theorist, is saying that this might be the most important part of the self concept, especially for adolescents in terms of their sense of worth. So I just filed that away. But later on I had my own health experiences and I actually had a bout of sepsis. I'd actually turned totally jaundice beyond yellow to be actual orange, like pumpkin orange. And my own doctor House at the time I used that example, figured out what the problem was. But at the time I said, you know, at the end of the day, my wife told me while I was hooked up to all these transfusions and wires in the hospital, she phones me while I'm lying there saying, well, some good news if you actually ever come out of there. And by this time I lost 30 pounds and it wasn't looking good. She said that the university just phoned to say that you're going to be awarded the Research Chair on Personality and Health. And I said, well, hopefully I get a chance to do this. It's something that's a great opportunity in terms of the resources. But I said, when I get around to it, one of the things I've got to study is that connection to people. And when you're lying there thinking this could be it, you're thinking about the people in your life, not anything else. And it doesn't matter how many papers, publications, books, these are the people that you're thinking about. And I think I read somewhere, heard that you done some work in a hospice situation. And I'm sure you've seen when it gets down to the tough times for people, that they want the people around them and hope that somebody will be there to take care of them and show them that they matter.

[A]

And so can you draw a line specifically between perfectionism and mattering and how the latter helps with the former?

[C]

Yes. One of the things that's become apparent and I think surprised some of the people in the perfectionism field is that a lot of what's driving perfectionism is the unmet interpersonal needs for love, acceptance, belonging and a need to matter. Perfectionism is almost like a coping mechanism, a way to try and get, get those unfulfilled interpersonal needs met. So it's the idea of, well, if I am perfect or if I do better than others, I'm going to get the recognition, the significance, the love from other people. And unfortunately what happens in the case of this is that extreme incidents where there's a very rigid set of circumstances where that love and acceptance is not available, it's never enough. Perfectionists believe that if I'm perfect then the interpersonal needs will be met or at least more approximated. But find out in the meantime that actually it's a recipe for the stress getting to you and more loneliness. And it's not the answer that they're looking for. And sometimes perfectionists go, well, I was actually perfect this one time. I wasn't getting what I need interpersonally though, so maybe I need to push the bar up even higher because when I go even higher, and that's how you can really get into an upward spiral that's very self defeating in the long run. So there's now about six papers overall that have shown the link between perfectionism and the feeling of not mattering. And some of these are a form of not mattering that's an extreme, I don't matter to anyone. So it becomes very generalized when it's in a more painful expression. And then people are kind of caught because they're going, well, even if I'm being a bit successful, I'm still not getting the interpersonal side of what I need addressed. So then what do I do? Because I've already exhausted myself through trying to be perfect.

[A]

That's the negative side. That's the connection between not feeling that you matter and subsequently becoming a perfectionist. How is it that generating a sense of mattering can salve your perfectionistic impulses.

[C]

Well, and that would be the case where the need is being satisfied and people are saying, I could see where people could say to themselves, well, maybe I don't need to be perfect in order to get the kind of attention and the respect and the significance. So that, you know, that obviously was a misguided thing and I've learned that I'm getting satisfied here now, so I don't need to be perfect anymore. And that is something that is hopeful in terms of you're thinking, well, what can we do to try and help the perfectionists in our life and if they get a true sense that they truly do matter to people? Some people lose sight of how much they matter and come up with a mistaken view that they don't matter when they actually do matter. That might be the sort of thing that at least gets them to say, well, maybe I don't need to be perfect all the time or I don't need to be perfect in this. I can pick and choose and be a little more selective and a little less judgmental of myself and others because I'm now getting the rewards in life and learning as well that it's not just about achievement, it's about your people in your life.

[A]

Right. Just to put a, put a fine point on that. If you've been laboring under the delusion that perfectionism is what is required for you to feel lovable or to get love. If in fact you can just shift your focus for a moment to the, to the fact that there are people, if you're lucky enough to have them in your life, who love you no matter what specifically for who you are, flaws and all, if you can take that in, it can illuminate the absurdity and the self defeating nature of perfectionism.

[C]

Yeah, and that's the key you said, was if you can take it in, can you take it in? Are you capable of this? And one theorist who talked about perfectionism and procrastination and not mattering said that unfortunately some people who have had a life of, you know, maybe neglect, for instance, and they're not really capable of feeling the sense of mattering at the start. They have to learn to be able to take in the feeling and then apply it to things like their need to be perfect. So you know, that that will require a lot of work on the front end to be able to say, you know, look, you do matter. How come you don't feel it and get people to get to A point where they have worked on that relationship with the self and are able to now take it in because so many people reject it. And they think, well, people are just trying to humor me. People are just trying to stop me from having my pity party, but I'm going to have the pity party anyway. And that is driven a lot by the feeling something else involved with perfectionism, which is a deep seated feeling of being an imposter where you're not actually feeling as good about yourself as other people seem to be treating you.

[A]

So we are going to get, as we always do on this show, we are relentlessly practical. We're going to get to some, some, and you have lots of ideas and strategies for how we can generate a sense of mattering. But before we get let, let's dwell a little bit longer on the problem. This sense of not mattering can come from, you know, a rough childhood, but can also come from just being part of a community that is devalued by the larger society.

[C]

Yes, yes. Yeah, yeah, that's, that's the truth of it. And, and you know, let me just say for your listeners, first of all, that I distinguish between three different types. The mattering is the positive feeling of being valued by others. Anti mattering is the flip side of that, where you're feeling that you're invisible or insignificant, you're mistreated in a way that makes you feel unvalued or devalued. And then more recently, we've been studying what we call the fear of not mattering, which has all kinds of implications these days in terms of worries about your future as it relates to workplace AI decisions where you might be made to feel irrelevant and phased out, as great as mattering is in terms of that feeling and knowing that you're valued by others, there's the flip side and the antimattering concept. In part, I thought of it because I was looking at work by Nancy Schlossberg on mattering versus marginalization. And we know that it's veridical that many people are put into marginalized situations where they're looked down on, they're ostracized or treated a certain way. This is something that's a reality for some people. And what I say in those instances is that's when you need to, through the people who are close to you, develop a positive sense of mattering to them because it will help you with the challenges and the adversities that you experience through that marginalization and being treated that way. And I also realized that when people's lives are stretched, I can think of a single parent, for instance, with many kids, I can say, well you could go do something like volunteer, which is a way to build a sense of mattering. And this is what I tell parents of perfectionistic kids who are worried about their kids. They say what can we do here? Because it's not us putting pressure on this kid. Sometimes it's the peers, sometimes it's just wanting to achieve, to overcompensate for feelings of inferiority. And I said, well you can volunteer and show that you are getting a sense of value as a family with the time together. So that sense of worth can come through contributing to others rather than single achievement focus. But I realized that this is kind of blue sky thinking for somebody who's got a life situation where they're just trying to get to get by on a day to day basis and may not have the opportunity to go volunteer or do the sort of things that they ideally would like to do. I think that anybody exposed veridically to some kind of ism, whether it's racism, sexism, ageism, their felt experience of that could be this feeling of anti mattering. And what I like to try and urge people to do there is to not play the game of internalizing that message that other people or society is sending to you really is true that everybody counts and everybody matters. I always think of Harry Bosch, the famous fictional detective. Everybody counts or nobody counts, everybody has something to bring to the table. But people internalize that message and don't have others in their lives who give them the more positive mattering message that can help pull them out of it. I know about the ageism, you know, through skin issues went, went white much earlier than you would have through regular aging process. And when my research chair was up for renewal the second time, I was trying to balance my own research and overseeing 200 researchers at our university. And then the word came through our dean that he turned from the head of research that I wasn't going to be renewed for my research chair. And the head of research at the university bluntly said, well, he's too old. You know, I said I experienced this once and my approach with these things is the chip on the shoulder, I'll show you sort of approach. But I said, how would it be if you had a life filled with these kind of messages where you know, it was coming at you from all sides and all people and you didn't have an opportunity that I had to be able to do the I'll show you. So it's no wonder that the stress and the distress that's sort of built into veridical anti mattering can really wreak havoc in terms of people's lives and feelings about themselves. And what Rosenberg said in his very original work is that we also have to realize that everybody has a need to matter. And when people aren't getting that need to matter, some people will turn to antisocial means of expression as a way of sort of saying, you didn't think that I mattered. Well, now maybe you'll think twice because of some of these heinous things that people end up doing. And that's been called the search for significance theory of pretty antisocial behavior. Because everybody. One of the points I want to underscore is that everybody has this basic need to matter. I believe it's tied right into our survival because I think it's tied into the intention and interest that we get as infants that get us fed and taken care of. And I see this because I now have four grandchildren, three and under, and I see the interactions and, and I can't turn off the psychology part of me to say, well, no wonder we need attention. We need to be needed. We need interest of others. Because it's through getting that interest and attention that we end up getting fed and taken care of early in life before we can even speak. And I think that that makes it so rewarding when we have that sense of attention and interest from others because it's been tied to addressing basic needs, but at the same time so disquieting and so against our nature when we are getting treated in a way that we're not getting attention or we're actually getting devalued and unregarded by others. And there I go back to the famous book of Ralph Allison, Invisible man. And it's filled with examples of being treated in a way that you're invisible and you don't matter. And Allison said in one interview, in one preface to a later edition, he said, and it's not just a case of being invisible. You get to be looked at in a society where nobody's even seeing you, even considering you. So you're invisible, which is a, you know, a next level.

[A]

We don't have time to get into this in a deep way. But, but, you know, one of the things that you, you have argued, and I think this is really amply borne up by history, that that. And you referenced it earlier, anti mattering can have very dangerous causes, consequences. And I think humiliation is an underappreciated force in human affairs. We see it on the level of geopolitics when nations feel humiliated. The Weimar Republic are. That's just one great example that leaps to mind. But school shooters for sure, and I've, I've just seen it play it out, play out in my own life, that some of the greatest cruelty that I've experienced is at the hands of people who I humiliated in some way or that I made feel like they didn't matter. And yeah, so this is a dangerous force that we're playing with here.

[C]

Brown and Harris did a famous study on the origins of depression and life stress in women back in the 70s and 80s. And the number one factor that came through in terms of the most troubling event was being humiliated where you're feeling that you've been treated as less than. And everybody knows it and you know, it's understandable if it's. It actually did happen that way to have some kind of a strong response to it.

[A]

So let's get practical in terms of how we can boost our mattering quotient. Personally, I think the first question is how can one self assess, like how can I figure out whether I have enough mattering in my life?

[C]

Usually people who don't have enough mattering in their life have come to figure it out where they're jealous of others or they're wondering why. One of the cues for feeling that you don't matter is loneliness. Loneliness is so strongly correlated with the feeling of not mattering that we talked about it as the double jeopardy of not only feeling alone and isolated, but feeling insignificant and irrelevant. So I think when people are lonely, they start to think, well, I guess I just don't matter as much as other people, or I don't matter enough for somebody to call when I thought they should or whatever. But people are often incorrect about the self assessment. And this is a key point I want to underscore for, for your listeners, is that people are often wrong about this. And Rosenberg talked about this back in 1981 because he said that, you know, it's a very subjective appraisal. Do I matter to others? And well, it turns out that about three out of 10 people have a feeling of not mattering to others. But within there are some who actually do matter to others, but they don't realize it. A lot of people undersell themselves that they don't realize they matter when they do. So we need to realize that people, we matter more to people than we often know. And this is why I say that whatever we talk about in terms of making sure that people have a sense of matter, we need to know that people know for certain that they matter. The subjective element is really, really problematic. One study done with a school board I worked with, we found overall that about 30% of the students said they didn't feel like they mattered or they weren't sure. When parents were asked, is it possible your child has a sense of not mattering? Only 8% said, maybe my kid feels like he or she doesn't matter. So about one out of five of the students were walking around feeling like they don't matter when their parents thought that they actually did believe that they mattered. So when I tell this to a group of parents, I get horrified looks because now they're thinking, oh no, am I one of these parents? I thought my kid was okay. And my advice is to those parents is you want to make sure you don't feel worried anymore. Show them that they matter and don't stop when they hit the adolescence period where they say, talk to the hand. I'm too cool to show that I need anything from a parent because they still want to know that you care. They still want to know that you're interested in them and you're looking out for them, but they just won't admit it necessarily because that's just not on according to the age group. So I say to parents and anyone, really, if you're not sure about whether somebody knows, show them that you care through the various means that can drive that message home. And don't stop showing it until they say they've had enough. Because people will find a way through their insecurities and self doubts to convince themselves they don't matter, when in fact they do matter.

[B]

I made a new friend recently and

[A]

he was telling me that his wife is an avid listener to the show.

[B]

She's so loyal, in fact, that she's now wearing quints on the regular.

[A]

And she wanted me to know that

[B]

I too wear a lot of quints.

[A]

Not only because they're a sponsor of the show, but also because they make really good stuff.

[B]

They focus on well made essentials that naturally become those everyday staples you actually live in all season long. Quince's 100% European linen pants and shirts are breathable, easy to throw on, and the summer upgrade your rotation needs starting at just $34. Their tees are soft enough to live in all day day, and the lightweight cotton sweaters are exactly what you want when summer nights cool down. Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. They work directly with ethical factories and cut out the middlemen. So you're paying for exceptional quality, not brand markup.

[A]

And it's not just clothing.

[B]

Quint has become a trusted favorite for everything from home to travel to everyday essentials. Make your summer wardrobe easier. Go to quince.com for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U-I-N-C-E.com happier for free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com happier my wife and I were doing a little shopping on Wayfair today and we got a floating basketball net

[A]

for our pool, which our son is extremely excited about.

[B]

If you haven't checked out Wayfair, you should. You can now shop with Wayfair Verified. It's your shortcut to the good stuff. Their team of product specialists vets everything by hand using a 10 point inspection, testing things like quality of materials, functionality and features, and even how long it takes to build.

[A]

You may have seen their website, but their selection is voluminous.

[B]

They've got seating, grills, appliances, storage, lighting, rugs, decor, one place, everything you you need. No bouncing between stores. And if putting it all together sounds like a headache, Wayfair can handle delivery, installation and assembly. You just pick what you want and they deal with the rest. Ready to upgrade your home for way less? Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home and get your space ready for less. That's W A Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every style,

[D]

every Home

[A]

this gets us to practical tips for boosting your own sense of mattering. One of the ways to boost your own sense of matter is to help other people feel like they matter.

[C]

Yeah, that's a critical thing. There's extensive life, so being a mentor, being a coach, being a volunteer. There's a reason why some people take it too far in terms of the service of others because they get that sense of reward and validation in the moment. Indeed, when I became I became undergraduate director for the students, as I mentioned earlier, and the predecessor who was somebody I was close to said to me, why should you do this? Because others have said no, why would you want to take on this role? He goes unlike writing a paper or something, you are going to find students that you are able to help in a way that will change their lives. And you will be able to go home that night knowing that you made A difference, and nobody's going to be able to mess with that and to take it away. So just a sense of otherness. But it doesn't have to involve going and doing things like volunteering or mentoring or coaching. It can just be how you learn to relate to other people, where you check in on them. I know you've had people talking about interaction styles, about the importance of deep and responsive listening, which is a key in terms of getting that reciprocity of mattering to each other. One thing I say there is, it's not just about deeply listening to someone, but it's also asking, just thinking about what might be important. And we're showing an interest in something that they're doing. So asking through that about what's going on with them, just checking in unexpectedly. We're not too far away from the school where our daughters were fortunate to go to. And there was an amazing principal there. She, Peggy Morrison, was the master of the personal note, which we don't get a lot of these days. But if you write a letter or a note to somebody, especially now when it's something that people don't do, a lot of they know that you've taken the time to think about them, and then you can express how you feel and how much you appreciate them. A big element of mattering to others is showing that they are appreciated and showing them that you are really appreciating not only what they have done, but you also appreciate who they are as a person. And to show you the impact that that can have on someone. Just before the pandemic, I was giving a public lecture at our university, nobody knowing what was coming in a couple of months. And it was filled to capacity, not because of me, it was filled to capacity because of mattering and the deep resonance it has with everybody. To the point, for the first time ever, they had to get another lecture hall and fill it up and send me there remotely so that the people who were showing up with no seats left for them had a place where they could hear what was going on. I'm giving my public lecture, and when I'm talking about facets of mattering, I said, Nancy Schlossberg introduced the concept of appreciation that we know we matter when we feel appreciated and we know we don't matter when we are doing something that seems to be not appreciated. And she talked about how the only time that anybody has ever said they matter too much are caregivers who feel that they know they're appreciated, but it's got past the point of reason and affecting them. So I said to people knowing this, I said, one thing I want to say about appreciation because we were going through it a bit. I said, if you're somebody in the audience who's in a caregiving situation where you've been giving yourself to other people, which is what we talk about in terms of giving value to others, I said, I want you to know how appreciated it is by me and by other people, including the other people who don't do it. But I'm so glad that you're doing it. So I said this and then I started to go on and then I could hear in the front row, it sounded like somebody was crying. And I looked up and sure enough there was a lady in the front row about middle aged and she had tears streaming down her face and she was trying not to audibly sob. And it's quite a visual distraction when you're giving a talk and you go, great, now something's happened. So at the end of it though, eventually she got under control and she came up to me and she said, I need to apologize to you. I said, no, you don't. I said, you're human. That's whatever it was. I said, but I hope you're okay now. And she goes, well, I want you to know that when you said that appreciation for caregivers was such an important thing, she goes, I have dedicated myself to other people as a caregiver. This is the first time that anybody's ever told me that I'm appreciated. And I couldn't. She didn't realize I was carrying around this need to hear somebody say it, to say somebody said that what I was doing was needed and that people cared about and recognized what I was doing. And I said how sad this is that nobody along the way would tell somebody that they're appreciated. People who need to hear this include first line responders as well. We recently had a medical incident our house where I had to phone 911 back in in the fall, right around when the our Blue Jays were losing the World Series. But we came close and I phoned and paramedics, fire, fire personnel immediately came. Then the paramedics came. It turned out to be okay in the long run, but everybody that left that night, I want them to know that I can really appreciate it. And I said, what a relief it was when you were so desperately needing somebody like this to see that truck roll up, whether it's the fire truck or it's an ambulance. And so I thanked each and every one of Them. And unfortunately the person I didn't get to thank was the amazing person answering the call, the 911 call. And I mentioned this because we're doing some research on these people and police officers as well as those people who answered the 911 calls. There's a subset of them who convince themselves that what they are doing doesn't matter. And our work shows that about one out of four is saying, you know what, I'm doing this, but I don't really matter. And I'm thinking this has to be somebody who nobody's ever sat down and said you're so appreciated in terms of what you've been doing. Because they're judging themselves maybe according to the self criticism and lack of self compassion that we've talked about already, Dan. But you know, people need to know that they're appreciated. So just letting them know they're appreciated, they don't have to do anything spectacular, but just acknowledging it will yield amazing benefits. Because one of the things that consistently comes up when I read accounts of not mattering and burnout across different jobs is the sense of what I'm doing is not appreciated. Another way in the work setting to give people a sense of mattering is to really give them a sense of voice where you're seriously letting people have weighing in on opinions and decisions that need to be made. Because people need to feel that whatever is happening in whatever setting is co created and they have a voice that's being recognized and acknowledged and even heeded when there's change that needs to occur.

[A]

And again, engaging in these behaviors of helping other people know they matter boomerangs back on you because inculcates a sense of significance for you. However, as you said, there are some people who go so far in the caregiving direction that they feel unappreciated and for them, would you say that one of the potential remedies would be to speak up and say, I need, you know, I need some recognition here or I need a thank you.

[C]

Get together with other caregivers who are there to say, hey, we know what you're going through and we appreciate you because we know that that's what we've needed. Along the way, I've given talks for the Alzheimer's Society here in Ontario on caregiving stress and how even when somebody, a family member is really in deep state of cognitive difficulty, you still need to see a glimmer or some kind of thank you or the staff needs to be able to weigh in and express what they understand about what people are going through as family members. I think there's just the general message here is it's important to be aware of people's need to matter and just look for opportunities to let others know that you care about them and you acknowledge and appreciate what they've been doing. And then the real key is for those people who aren't able to internalize that at the end of the day you need to be able to matter to yourself. And that's where I would think where the most of the coaching is for those people who are on the path to burnout. Maybe they're perfectionists who are just giving themselves up and not leaving enough for themselves and giving everything to others in a very imbalanced, unbalanced way. And I once gave a talk recently where I said let's complete these stems, these sentence stems. I know I matter to myself when, because people need to make this as a mindful component of their day. I think when we talk about mindfulness, which is correlated with, with, with mattering by the way. But they need to be mindful about mattering and especially in terms of being mindful about their own own need to matter and protect themselves and take care of themselves.

[A]

I absolutely get and I think it seems completely obvious and doable that life is filled with opportunities to be kind to other people which can then make them feel like they matter, which in turn makes you feel like you matter. But the idea of specifically going at generating a sense of mattering to yourself, how would you coach people to develop that?

[C]

It's not easy because people are so focused on other people or as I said, the perfectionists just keep pushing themselves. What I tell people is they have to essentially have a sit down with themselves and look at am I getting where I need to be, Am I feeling the way I should be feeling about life? And if not, it's because they're not mattering to others but also they're engaging in self defeating tendencies. Anything that might be pushing things to the limit is something that needs to have some self analysis. But as you say, it's not easy to do. I tell people just some basic habits you need to get into, know to when it's time to try to get some sleep as opposed to just keep pushing and pushing and pushing. Know to not look at screens when you're going to bed at night and and maybe also though rearranging your time so that you're having more of the relationship focus that you need where you'll get that sense of I need to matter to myself because this person cares about me, so why don't I care about myself more? I'm really concerned about evidence that is out there about the shrinking friendship circles, especially among younger people, where we're not engaged in this. I was just talking. I went to see the optometrist before we had this session today, and he was talking about how people just don't have the conversations that we had growing up, where friends are sitting under a tree growing up and they're talking in person. Or you just phone somebody and you hear their voice rather than just relying on a text message all the time. Some of it is, I think you can pick up on it through realizing that people care about you. And then, well, I can now infer that I should care about myself. This is what. What the sociologists and social psychologists said about what we call these reflected appraisals that, oh, we see how people are reacting to us, we need to start internalizing that in terms of the sense of mattering to other people, to oneself as well. But it's not easy because people tend to just keep pushing themselves. And many people are selfless to the point of putting themselves in jeopardy. And it's okay. I think. I can't remember. I think it might have been Salye who talked about an altruistic egotism where you're altruistic, but you realize that you should be getting some benefit out of it as well. And when the point is reached that you are not feeling the benefits, you need to scale back on that or find something else that will give you that sense of benefit.

[A]

This has been such a fascinating conversation about the scourge of perfectionism and the positive influence of mattering and how to tap into it. Is there something you were hoping that we would get to that we haven't gotten to?

[C]

Yeah, Just one thing I would say I mentioned in passing, the fear of not mattering. And I think that this is something as a society we need to start focusing on. These days. It's very easy when you're feeling that the world is dictating to you how things are going to be, to feel very small. And now with AI in particular, you can have that fear of not mattering because you feel that they're coming for you and your job. Or alternatively, the fear of not mattering that. That I would experience, for instance, because I retired at the start of last year. And you're thinking, okay, well, now are you still going to have a chance to talk about things like this with Dan and others? So it's important to balance the focus on anti mattering with that fear of not mattering and how we can learn to not let that fear overwhelm us as well. But I think that this is something that people should talk about openly with other people because you'll find that everybody has a need to matter. And if you say something as simple as I'm worried that AI is coming from my job, how are you feeling about this in terms of your job? That gives people a sense of similarities and unites them and something they can talk about. Because ultimately the best relationships are the ones where people let down their guard and are willing to share what's going on internally with them in terms of the thoughts, feelings, fears and so on. And this fear of not mattering, we have found is particularly driving the link between the mattering construct and social media addiction. And this is one thing I encourage people, they want to do more reading about is that mattering and the not mattering and these fears have a role to play in virtually all the big ticket problems that we've been talking about. I listened to your session with Dr. Murthy, the two parter and loneliness and the fear of not mattering are closely related. So this is why we need to proactively find ways to boost that sense of mattering and that sense of connection and put down the devices because it's just feeding into that unmet need to matter where you're finding ways to satisfy that are very surface rather than engaging in the deep conversations and interpersonal one to one relationships that people really need and crave.

[A]

Amen. If people want to learn more about you or from you, how can they do so?

[C]

I'm on Twitter X and if people need to contact me, it's easy to find, it's email gflatu ca and I can say that there are some public lectures that are on YouTube that if they wanted to just hear more about mattering, but not also me, there's other scholars, one that recently passed, the late great Isaac Perlitensky. He introduced the concept of mattering as having value to others and giving value to others in terms of the volunteering and the like. And there's a lot of material out there for people. I purposely, whenever I can, publish an academic paper and try to write it in language for real people. I was the only one, by the way, in my family that went to university and I laugh when they say, well, you know, don't use the academic terms. That would have lasted two seconds with my mother at home. But there's a lot of papers that are called open access that are out there for people to read that they can find out much more about mattering. You just do a search on me and mattering and many of these papers will pop up and then there'll be other people's papers as well.

[A]

Gordon Flett this has been a fantastic conversation, super helpful, super interesting. Really appreciate your time. Thank you.

[C]

I greatly enjoyed it and hopefully get a chance somewhere down the road to do it again.

[B]

Thank you so much to everybody who worked so hard to make this show. 10% happier is produced by Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasily. Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our managing producer, Marissa Schneiderman is our senior producer, DJ Cashmere is our executive producer, and Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme. Also, one last thing before I let you go. Our Summer Sunday Live series is officially underway. Every Sunday at 4 Eastern you can join the legendary meditation teacher Sharon Salzberg for a deep dive into the Buddha's Cookbook for happiness, the Eightfold Path. You can catch up on replays. If you've already missed a few of the sessions and you can join the next live meditation and Q and A Only on the 10% with Dan Harris app, go to danharris.com to start your free trial. You're listening to this podcast, so I know you've got a curious mind. Here's a helpful fact you might not know yet. Drivers who switch and save with Progressive save over $900 on average. Pop over to progressive.com answer some questions

[A]

and you'll get a quick quote with

[B]

discounts that are easy to come by. In fact, 99% of their auto customers earn at least one discount. Visit progressive.com and see if you can

[A]

enjoy a little cash back.

[B]

Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates national average 12 month savings of $946 by new customers surveyed who saved with Progressive between June 2024 and May 2025. Potential savings will vary.

[D]

Summer is here, which means we all want to look and feel our best. A GLP1 may be right for you. Visit orderlymeds.com to learn more about which GLP1 you could be eligible. Getting started is fast, easy and happens virtually through telemedicine from licensed professionals. Check it out for yourself. Go to orderlymeds.com podcast that's orderlymeds.com podcast. Taking care of yourself feels great. Compounded medications are not FDA approved. Eligibility required and determined by a licensed provider. Individual results may vary. See website for details.