← 10% Happier with Dan Harris
10% Happier with Dan Harris
Stressed, Stuck, and Overthinking? Here's the Science of Moving Forward | Ranjay Gulati
00:52:57
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- [00:00]
A
Foreign. This is the 10% Happier podcast. I'm Dan Harris. Hello, everybody. How we doing? Okay. So we've all been there. Those moments of uncertainty and fear where we freeze, we feel paralyzed, we overanalyze, we overthink, and then as a consequence, we. We fail to take action in ways that can later produce a lot of shame and regret. I suspect this situation I'm describing right here is increasingly common right now, when anxiety and uncertainty are through the roof. We're dealing with so many X factors in the world right now. AI, war, political polarization. I could go on. So in this context, in a world that is more uncertain perhaps than ever, that leaks into our daily lives in all sorts of conscious and subconscious ways, in this context, how do you give yourself the resources to get out of paralysis and into action? In other words, how do you develop, and I'm going to use a loaded word here, courage. You may be tempted to think of courage as an inalterable factory setting, but my guest today argues that it's actually a skill which is right on point with the major theme of this show, that happiness and all the states of mind we want are in fact skills. And my guest is going to lay out a bunch of very practical ways to develop the skill of courage, ways that are doable for any of us, even if we might think of ourselves as fundamentally fearful, even cowardly. I'm looking at myself here. Not for nothing, said guest actually has a good semi defense of cowardice, or at least an explanation that made me feel a little bit better. My guest is Runjay Galati. He's a professor at Harvard Business School and the author of a book called how to Be Bold. We talk about the difference between being courageous and being reckless. How to accept your fears without being controlled by them. Tools for remaining calm in the face of disaster. How to find your moral anchors. I'll let him explain what that means. The importance of having a support squad. How to inculcate courage into your family, your workplace and your friend group, and much more, by the way, and bear with me for this segue here. It is very hard to be courageous if you haven't slept over on the 10% app. We are now going big on sleep. In my experience, sleep is one of the most popular use cases for meditation apps. So starting next week, we're going to be adding 10 new sleep meditations to the library over on the app. And we're going to be doing a live session on video with our teacher of the month, Cara Lai, who's gonna talk about how best to use meditation for sleep. You can become a member by signing up over at danharris. Com. Just real quick here if you wanna meditate with me in person. I've got an event coming up in New York city at the 92nd Street Y on May 17. There's a link in the show notes if you wanna get tickets. Okay, we'll get started with Ranjay Galati right after this. 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B
Thank you Dan. Pleasure to be here with you today.
- [05:58]
A
Pleasure to have you here. Well, let me start with an obvious question. Why are you so interested in the subject of courage?
- [06:05]
B
First, you don't know what you're studying and why. It's what we call retrospective sense. Making you look back and say, oh, now why did I do that? What was I thinking? How did I end up here? And this is one of those projects where if you asked me five years ago, ranjay, you're going to write a book about courage? I'd say you're crazy. I mean, why would I want to write a book about that? But now that I look back, in hindsight it makes sense. My mother was an entrepreneur. My father was a military officer. So I have parents who were exemplifying courage in their own very distinct ways. One was physical courage in the armed forces, in combat, my mother as an entrepreneur. And then, you know, some of my own experiences as well that I had. I came to realize that courage is a universal currency. We all kind of admire it, but we don't really know what it is. And I have some moments of embarrassment too. Honestly, I think I studied it for myself. I never thought I'd write the book even. I was really wanting to know more about it out of my own curiosity. Maybe I can become more courageous. Not too late.
- [07:10]
A
When you say you have your own moments of embarrassment, what do you mean?
- [07:13]
B
One of the moments I talk about in the book was when I was 14 years old. My mother had by now built a very successful fashion business working with a couple of fashion houses in Paris. And she achieved kind of her dream, which was to buy a piece of land where she was going to build her own home. She hadn't until now had a home. It was a beautiful piece of land that she found and then a developer decided he wanted it and started chasing her for the land. I was home from boarding school one weekend and the guard from her gate came, said, there's a gentleman on the door insisting on seeing your mom. Can you talk to him? So I went to the gate. He was from the developer, big burly fellow and he said, I want to see your mother. I said, no, she's not going to see you, so don't waste your time. He said, no, tell her last time we will bother her five minutes. We'll never bother her again. So I went to my mom, she says, okay, five minutes. Bring him in. And she told me, she said, you stand at that door and make sure he's out of here in five minutes. So I bring her him into the living room. He sits down opposite her on the sofa. I'm at the door. Very immediately, he takes out a checkbook with a blank signed check. And a piece of paper, says, ma', am, we're not here to negotiate. We'll give you whatever you want. Mother immediately pushes back, says, it's not about the money. I don't care about money. I'm not selling this land. It's really not about the money. Immediately he gets belligerent and says, I am going to make you sign this today. So I was shocked. My mother was shocked. She said, excuse me, please leave now. So he then leans back and he pulls back his blazer like I am. And he had a gun tucked in his waist. Now I am at the door. I'm 14 years old. Pretty big kid by then. But I'm like, confused. I'm thinking, should I call the guard? Should I jump him? Maybe he's bluffing. Can I take him on? My mother, my sister, what am I going to do? My mother, 5 foot 1 inches tall, without hesitation leaps out of her sofa seat, walks across the table and slaps him across the face. He didn't even see it coming. And she said, how dare you come into my house. And first you tried to bully me, and now you threaten me with a gun. Get out of here now. Now. It was strategically brilliant in hindsight because it got him off guard. Her security guard from the gate heard the commotion, came running in. This guy was so rattled, he ran out of there for getting his checkbook behind. I was embarrassed because I froze. I didn't know what to do. And by the time I'm 14, I was always feeling like, you know, I'm the boy, the man protect my mother. You know, I had all these kind of illusions about myself, but I was always ashamed of the story because I did nothing. Now, I asked my mom afterward, I said, mom, that was crazy. Weren't you scared? Didn't you see a gun? She said, absolutely, I was scared. But just because you're scared doesn't mean you do nothing. And that kind of stuck in my head. I was, at one level, ashamed of myself. But I was also kind of in awe of my mother. I hate that story. Honestly, I never told anybody that story till I wrote this book. Because I was a little ashamed of my own self in this context.
- [10:21]
A
It's an incredible story, and I'm glad you're telling it. And I absolutely agree with your mother. And this is something you say in your book, that courage is being afraid and doing it anyway. And yet you could have made a move that got you and your mother killed. So there's also some expression about discretion is the better part of valor or whatever. You know, like there is some wisdom to. I don't know about freezing, but at least contemplating carefully so that you don't provoke the guy with the gun to kill everybody.
- [10:57]
B
So, you know, Dan, the first essay I could find on courage was written by Aristotle, who was describing the ideal soldier way back then. He made a distinction between courageous and reckless. In fact, he had cowardice at one extreme, reckless at the other extreme. And courage was in the middle. It was intentional, thoughtful action. Now, there's a bit of Monday morning quarterbacking here. Because if the action works out, then it was courageous. If it didn't work out, then you say reckless. So I grant you that. But in her mind, she realized. She said, if I hadn't gone to him right away, what was his next move? His next move was to take the gun out. And she said the next move was not to point it at her because he needed her signature. He was going to point it at me. And she said, then I knew I had to sign the document. So she said, I had a very narrow window. And let me tell you where it goes back to, though the larger point is fear is a natural human response. It's biologically hardwired in us. It's a primitive emotion that activates the amygdala. It's the survival impulse. So we need it. But it paralyzes us. And so much of our life, so many things we do. Whether in one of your episodes you talked about silence, being quiet, not speaking up, even having worry, anxiety. All these things tie back to fear. There's a diffuse, manifest fear. And we don't have a way to cope with fear. Winston Churchill said, fear is a reaction. Courage is a decision. So what I came to realize is that if any of us, myself included, I'm going to live a more complete life. I need to find a way to learn to live with fear, engage it, not be ashamed of it. And this ability to learn to accept fear for what it is. But not be overwhelmed by fear was the journey I had to go through. And I was trying to understand it better as I wrote this book. Because, you know, too many of us live our life through a lens of fear.
- [13:20]
A
I'll speak only for myself. It's a very prominent player in my psychology. I do want to come back to this difference between courage and recklessness. No. And what you said about how the Monday morning quarterback. There's a way in which your mom's actions could have backfired in ways in which would have led us to describe it as reckless. How can we think about being on the right side of that line when we're in an acute situation?
- [13:51]
B
There's no easy answer to that, first of all. So let me first start with point of origin of fear, and then I'll get to your point. Actually. Where does fear come from? Fear originates in uncertainty. What is uncertainty? Uncertainty is not the same as risk. Risk is where, you know the distribution of outcomes of 10% chance of this, 30% chance of this, 50% chance of this. And you're playing the odds. Uncertainties. I don't know. I don't know. Early days of COVID or job dislocation or a diagnosis of a very deadly illness or even something more simpler like college applications. Where am I going to go? What am I going to do? Or finding a spouse. Uncertainty is everywhere. Which means fear is everywhere. Now, how do we deal with this fear in a reasonable way? Because the default answer to fear is not fight or flight. It's freeze or flight. Sometimes doing nothing is riskier than doing something that might not work out. My mother's calculus was doing nothing was not an option. But it required her to deal with her fear because she could have just sat back and waited it out to see how this plays out. But if you saw this guy's violent outburst, you would have known that he wasn't going to stop. I am not leaving here till you sign this. This thing was going south very fast. So I think you're right. There is always going to be a fine line here. And not every courageous story we know ends up with a happy ending. Also. Right? But the question is, how do we learn to tame fear? How do we learn to understand a fear? And how do we learn to then take the best course of action we possibly can? Versus fear clouds judgment. Fear clouds the amygdala. Fear clouds the prefrontal cortex. And we are just paralyzed.
- [15:55]
A
I think what you're saying is that it can be very hard in the moment. To draw the line between courage and recklessness. And often it's only clear in hindsight based on the result. But what? The most important thing to do here is to learn how to tame our fear so that we can make the best decision possible, fully understanding that there may be outcomes we don't like. We are taking a risk, hopefully a calculated risk, when we act out of courage.
- [16:30]
B
Exactly. So what I've discovered is these people who are courageous as we characterize them, they somehow instinctively have created a system in their own minds about learning to tame fear, even sometimes trick fear. They have a relationship with fear that somehow allows them not to be paralyzed by it. Now, I tried to find the social science research around it, saying, like, what are these people doing here? And I was looking not at, like, famous characters only, right. I was looking at Brandon, say, a cashier at a dance hall in California when a mass shooter came in. Captain Sullenberger, who landed the plane in the Hudson River. But not just people like that who are, in the moment, courageous. I also looked at Frances Haugen, who was my former student who spent one year agonizing over whether she should be the whistleblower at Facebook. And so there is sometimes there are instinctive in moment courage. Some are more intentional, deliberate courage. Some involve physical courage, meaning it's physical danger. Some are moral courage. The word courage gets associated a lot and is confused. So I was trying to say my biggest learning was that courage is accessible to all. It's a skill. It's a muscle we can all acquire. Given the uncertainty in the world around us and the manifest fear that comes with it, I think it's important to think about courage as a currency we all need today. We need to resource ourselves to not let fear paralyze us in the world we are trying to navigate and live through right now.
- [18:10]
A
Okay, so if the operating thesis of the book is that courage is a trainable skill, not an unalterable factory setting, the how of that, you divide up into nine steps or nine C's. Nine words that begin with C. Words like coping and confidence and commitment. So let's start working through some of these Cs. We may not get through all of them, but let's do as many as we can in the time we have. The first of the nine Cs is coping. What do you mean by that?
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B
I should preface that by saying, historically, human beings, when they'd encountered uncertainty and fear, they prayed. A belief in a higher power, the most effective way humankind for thousands of years has found to deal with uncertainty is to pray. A belief in a higher source as being there for me is an important way in which people kind of cope. Now, there are other ways in which people also understand this, and I found the following among most of these people. If you look at how people operate, we don't see things as they are. We see them as we are. Now, what do I mean by that? We all look at the world through a lens of meaning and identity. Why Am I here? Captain Sullenberger, who landed the plane on a US Airways flight in the Hudson river, had 90 seconds to do it. Katie Couric asked him, what were you thinking when you had to do that? He said, I realized in that moment that my 40 years of flying, my entire life up to that moment had been a preparation to handle that moment. This was it. This was my moment when I talked to Suma Jain, a physician in New Orleans, ER physician in the early days of COVID a young doctor who has two kids at home, young kids at home, and is worried she's going to bring Covid back home and give it to her family. And a decision she has to make is, should she stay home or come to work? She says, this is my Olympic moment. I trained as a physician to do this. I had no option. I had to do it. So coping is one thing where you cope through belief in a higher power. Conviction is another thing where you believe in something. So those are the two I would start with. I discovered that most of these people had a personal belief. Now I'll go back to my mother. My mother was a self made woman in a very male dominated society where she had to fight against all kinds of gender odds to do what she had done. And she'd been pushed around by a lot of these people in business and government and so forth. And so this guy showing up was just another man showing up trying to bully her, saying, I'm taking away your land and you can't do anything about it. So it touched her at a very personal level. It was about her identity. Who am I? So it starts from that kind of place where you have a conviction or a belief. I mean, Frances Haugen did not want a whistleblower because it would blow up her career. Hard charging Harvard mba. And she was talking to her parents and she said, why me, mom? Let somebody else do it. There's a lot of people at Facebook who should be doing this. Why should I do it? And her parents swept it around and said, if not you, then who? And she was like, yeah, but that story Also reveals another C which is courage rarely happens alone. The Hollywood portrayal is one of like James Bond, Jason Bourne, the solitary hero. It's usually a collective effort, you know, so I've talked about the first one. I've talked about conviction. I'm not talking about connection. I found that there were four aspects of connection. People looked for resource support, they looked for information support, they looked for moral support and they looked for feedback support. If you look at how Frances Haugen did it, she found all these forms of support from her network of people. Her family was one. A friend of hers who's a priest was another one who gave her feedback. A lawyer at a firm that specialized in whistleblowing was another one. A Wall Street Journal editor was another one. So it was the collective that gave it to her. But you know, the modern day version of courage we tell is one of the solitary solo effort. I've talked about three now with you, I just jumped ahead a little bit here. I'll tell you my favorite though. Can I get to my favorite one?
- [23:09]
A
Sure.
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B
There's two actually. The first one is called comprehension. And it comes from research by a University of Michigan professor, Carl Weich, and he was studying firefighters. And what he found is that firefighters don't just run into a building. That's reckless. Right. They're not running into a building. What they do is they observe the building from outside. They see how fast the fire is going. They try to find out is somebody need to be rescued. They see if there's anything combustible there and they form an initial hypothesis. Then they go into the building. As soon as they go into the building, they gather more information. Each step more they go in. They are updating their belief. It's what we call acting your way into knowing. Most of us want to know before we act. That's why we say let's be deliberate, let's be cautious. Sometimes there's no way to know without taking action. So if you're making a big decision, sometimes you break it down into smaller decisions. And each small step you take, you're taking it in order to learn more. So sometimes you have to act your way into knowing. Now I'll add to that another point which is I call confidence. I don't like that confidence word. It comes from research by a Stanford professor named Albert Bandura. Bandura was also interested in fear. And he recruited Stanford undergraduate students who were terrified of snakes. Technical term is ophidiophobes. And he was going to convince them over a period of several weeks with Slow exposure, showing them videos and all to ultimately hold a snake. Actually a corn snake. They're harmless, don't bite, but they're six feet long. They look scary. Half the students dropped out as the study progressed. The other half who stuck in there eventually held a snake. What's most interesting is not that they did it, but how this simple study transformed how they thought about themselves. It made them realize that if I can overcome one of my worst nightmare fears, snakes, I can do anything. And he called this research self efficacy, what in local parlance we would call can do mindset. I can do it. Now you see that with entrepreneurs, not all. Some entrepreneurs, no matter how many setbacks come their way and the business is failing, they're running out of cash, everything is going wrong. I don't know. I'm going to get it done. I can do it. I got it. I'll figure it out. What I was trying to do was understand how these people resource themselves in different ways to really take on fear. I'll give you one last one and then I'll promise to shut up. Is calm. And this one you've dealt with in some of your episodes. Because one way to think about calm is meditation. The modern day psychology version of this is what is called emotional self regulation. So sports psychologists are all over this because what is their number one job? To keep their player calm in the face of very stressful situations. There's a whole bunch of strategies inside the calm chapter where I talk about how do these people. And meditation is a very important part of that story too, by the way. But there are other tactical things they do as well.
- [26:56]
A
Well, maybe say a little bit more about what those are.
- [26:59]
B
So one of them is rituals. I interviewed a Ukrainian commando at the front line who used to be a lawyer till four years ago. And he said that on the front line he has a whole set of morning safety rituals. He does that, he believes invoke a higher power that he believes are going to protect him in this moment. So rituals serve several purposes. One is it invokes a higher power that we believe is going to protect us. It also is a very useful distraction technique. It normalizes things. You stop thinking about the situation, so you compartmentalize. So if you look at Captain Sullenberger, what do pilots do immediately when this thing happens? He starts to make a checklist. And pilots do that because checklists, you stop thinking about the situation. I'm landing the plane on the Hudson. No pilot has ever done this before. The last time a pilot tried to do it the plane flipped and half of them died. I have to do that in the next 90 seconds. No, he's just going through his checklist. Here's my checklist. Step number one, step number two, step number three, step number four. So how these people find ways to tame their fear, outwit their fear is interesting. And I've given you extreme examples. But I've come to realize most of us in our lives, we're living our fears, not our dreams. There is this diffuse fear that most of us don't even see it. And it really undermines our ability to make choices, take actions that might allow us to live to our fullest potential. You know, daily choices that paralyze us. You know, some have described courage as the master virtue that unlocks all other virtues. That without courage you can't really experience other virtues. Now having said that, I also wrote, my first chapter was on cowardice. Coward is one of the worst words you can use to describe somebody. But I think it's important to start this journey by first recognizing that fear is normal. You gotta name it to tame it. First of all, there's a lot of shaming around fear. Don't be scared. I remember doing that to my kids myself, right? I don't want to go to the basement, dad. It's scary. I'm like, what do you mean it's scary? Get down there. And we do it much more to boys than girls. There's a gender bias here. So we create a very antagonistic denial relationship with fear. I think fear has to be our friend. You know, I got to like, okay, fear. I feel it, I feel it. I'm okay with being scared. But we don't see that in modern day media. We look at the heroic characters we read about and see. We never hear about them being scared. Mahatna Gandhi, you know, one of amazing individuals. Before he started his political career, he was a lawyer in London. He was terrified of public speaking. When he went for his first case in front of a judge, he froze. He couldn't speak. He just couldn't speak. The judge threw him out, admonished him, threw him out, told his client, go find another lawyer. So it made me realize that people find ways to resource themselves to take on things that are the most terrifying things. And I think if they can do it, there's hope for us. Maybe we can learn something from them.
- [30:37]
A
Agreed. Coming up, Runjay talks about some more strategies for coping in moments of uncertainty and how to create a positive narrative to guide you through chaos. There is a version of your home you haven't lived in yet. Where the light behaves, where the rooms feel finished, where you sleep until you decide to wake up. Blinds.com has spent 30 years making it easy to find the perfect fit. With over 25 million windows covered and they've got 50,000 five star reviews, you can feel confident you're in good hands. As a homeowner myself, I cannot tell you how important blinds are. You probably probably already know this, but in our house, we have definitely experienced the importance of blinds. We get a lot of sunlight, which is a great thing, but you don't want it in your face first thing in the morning. So having blinds that block the sun, really important for a good night's sleep. And we know that a good night's sleep is just the linchpin of a healthy and happy Life. Over on blinds.com, they've got a great selection. They've also got tons of other features. Features the ability to customize any window covering, free samples sent right to your door. And the ability to easily add installation. At checkout rightnowblinds.com is giving our listeners an exclusive $50 off when you spend $500 or more. Just use code Happier at checkout. Limited time offer rules and restrictions apply. See blinds.com for detail.
- [32:13]
C
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- [32:37]
A
Let me just go back to the beginning of the nine C's which was coping. And when I brought it up with you, you talked. And this came up later as well. This idea of a higher power or faith. In the book I believe you talk about the fact that coping. That there are two strategies that may seem to be in opposition. There's the hyper rational move of what you call risk hunting, which I'm hoping to get you to describe. And then there's also this faith in a higher power. Yeah. How do these work together? How should we think about operationalizing these ideas in our lives?
- [33:13]
B
Great catch. I skipped over that. So I found there were two ways in which people cope with fear. One was a belief in a higher power. It's something that is very universal. And by the way, in times of uncertainty, even in modern times, they find that people's attendance of religious institutions goes up. So our belief in higher power increases when there is more uncertainty in our lives, it seems. The other approach I find is interesting and I don't know if they're necessarily in opposition to each other. The next one, people sometimes lose. I'm going to get more data. I'm going to gather more data and more data and more data and I'm going to try and turn this uncertain situation into a certain situation. I need to understand this completely and somehow I am going to nail this down. Think about somebody getting a really difficult health diagnosis. Some will pray and say, I hope you know, I'm going to be okay. Take care of me, God. They'll also go to the doctor and try to see what they need to do and they'll understand their options. But then you have others who go like the extreme. I'm going to research this like a PhD and I'm going to find out every single person, the specialists. I'm going to go talk to 10 different physicians. I'm going to analyze this like crazy. I am not going to take your word for it. And I believe in my efforts to gather more information, I will also calm down a little bit because I feel more in control. I don't think they're in opposition to each other. But there are two ways in which humans respond. I think both are powerful ways to cope, cope with fear because ultimately we're trying to make sure that fear doesn't paralyze us.
- [35:04]
A
One of the other strategies you talk about, and I'm not sure which c this falls under, is storytelling. Telling yourself a story about the situation and your role within the situation.
- [35:17]
B
What I wanted to point out was here is that when I get into the seas, commitment is where I talk about the stories we tell ourselves and not all of the characters. But most of these people have a self narrative. You know, we all have a self narrative in our head. Who am I? Why am I here? What am I meant to be doing? Some of us are more familiar with that self narrative, others are not tuned into it. And it turns out this self narrative that is in our head really shapes how we think about ourselves, how we look at situations. My mother had a self narrative. I'm a self made woman and no one is going to push me around. I worked really incredibly hard to get to where I am and I am not going to let anybody take it away from me. So what is our self narrative? What is important to us? You know, Suma Jain, the physician down in New Orleans saying, I trained to be a physician to help people and now when people need my Help. In the most critical of moments, I'm going to stay home because I'm too scared. So, you know, she had to really resource herself with that kind of self narrative. Other times other people give us the narrative. You know, Frances Haugen's parents saying, if not you, then who? And so you look at some of these people, they have a narrative about themselves like I am, this is who I am, this is what I believe in. They have convictions about some things that they hold dear. So how do we create a belief system in which there are some fundamental beliefs that we hold dear and then we can remind ourselves of them when we have situations of uncertainty. And people call them values, they are values. But beneath values is purpose. Why am I here? So I found that these people who have convictions, not only do they have a strong set of values, but they have great clarity about their purpose, why, intention, what in Sanskrit they call dharma. Dharma is all about understanding the why question. Most of Hinduism and Buddhism and all the spiritual threads over there were tri. If you understand your why, then everything else falls into place. These people are very connected to the why.
- [37:45]
A
You raised this question, but I want to push you on it. How do we get a sense of what our moral anchors are in a way that would give us sustenance and resourcing in times of fear and uncertainty?
- [37:58]
B
The worst time to try to figure that out is during a crisis.
- [38:02]
A
Right, right, right.
- [38:05]
B
So it's not the ideal moment to do that thing. Oh, I'll deal with that when I have to deal with the situation. You ain't gonna be able to deal with the situation. It's interesting, one of my colleagues studies white collar criminals and studies all these people who have a white collar meaning they had high paying, high powered jobs who end up in jail. And it's interesting, one of the common themes is they never clarify their own moral anchor and principles, belief in advance. They were like they said, I'm very pragmatic. I figured out my moral principles in the moment as situation demanded. And that's the worst recipe. Not to only land yourself in jail, but also you don't have a ready made resource you might need to take bold action. What do you believe in? Why are you here? I look at some of the most insightful people I've met. They have great self awareness and self clarity. And I go back to the why question. I think moral principles and values are great, but the ultimate unlock is the why question. Why am I here? And if you get to the why question, a lot of things fall into place. I was meant to do this, I had to do this. I didn't see any other option for myself. And I think we all have to ask ourselves, what do you believe in? What's important to you? I mean, can I just give you a sports example of this, please? It's very interesting. I have a side hobby, an interest in sports coaches. I used to be an athlete and it's very interesting to me to see how coaches work with players to make them perform better, as one professional coach told me. He said, I take a professional athlete who is self driven, determined, has pushed themselves to the limits, to rise to the top and become one of the top athletes in the world. And then I get them and my job is to show them how to be even better. How do I do that? This person has pushed themselves as hard as they could, as far as they could. This is football, so it's a team sport. He said, you know, all this time they push themselves for themselves and you can do a lot for yourself. Self interest drives you very far. He said, my job is to connect them to something more than themselves. I want to connect them to their teammates, to each other. I want to connect them to the team as a collective feeling, proud of the team. I want to connect them to me. They're playing for me as a coach. And when you start to do something for something bigger than yourself, you up your game. And the Marines do this too, by the way. Semper fidelis. In the Marine Corps, you're fighting for each other, always faithful. Some even talk about it as relative fear. The fear of letting your teammates down is greater than the fear of dying. So I think we have to understand how these kinds of people find interesting ways to deal with this thing we call fear, which is a natural human impulse. And once they find their way to work through fear. I know you know, the work on regret and research by some cornell Professors like 25 years ago showed that people have much more regret in life about inaction than action. If we can only resource ourselves in dealing with fear, a lot of things open up for us.
- [41:46]
A
There's another C. I want to dig in. You made a reference earlier to the fact that we can draw a lot of sustenance, we can build a sense of resourcing in moments of uncertainty through the sea of connection through other people. And you referenced that there are four types of support that people fall back on. Can you double click on that?
- [42:08]
B
Sure. I must give you an embarrassing example of this, please. So for 15 years, one of my favorite leadership case studies That I teach in the classroom is about the South Pole explorer Ernest Shackleton. So Shackleton in 1913 goes down to the South Pole and he's going to navigate from one end of the pole to the other. And somehow he and his 28 men, they get stuck on ice and the winter comes and the winter is minus 70 degrees. Somehow they survive the winter, but at the end of the winter when summer is coming, the melting ice crushes the ship and sinks it. And now they only have three lifeboats, 21 foot long in the roughest sea on the planet. Even today, to cross the Ross Sea, it's really, really hard journey and there's nobody down there. And these guys survive for two and a half years and somehow magically he brings them all back alive. We have video. He had a primitive camera. Then show the video. And the whole case is about Shackleton did this and Shackleton, he did this and Shackleton did that. As I was researching this book, I thought, oh, let me bring Shackleton in as one of the case studies. So I bring Shackleton as one of the case studies. As I'm researching it, I find that in his own memoirs he explains that he could never have done it alone. He had three people in what he called his support squad and these were his inner circle. And what kind of support did they give him? And then I said, let me read what he talks about. And I connected it to these four forms of support. First one, moral support. Boss, you can do it. There were so many times when Shackleton actually lost his own self confidence. I don't know if we can make it because he made a number of wrong calls along the way. He started doubting his own judgment and so he got moral support from them. The second thing was information support. One of them was the captain, one was his second first officer. They had also been down there and they were giving him information that he was missing. That was important resource support. They were able to tap into resources in the ship and outside saying, okay, we're going to go and find food, we're going to go and do this, we're going to do that. And the last one was feedback support. They gave him real time feedback saying, boss, the people need to see you out there. We don't want to see you being scared and nervous. So it was interesting across all of them how these heroic characters that we like to teach, I taught it as this, Shackleton is a James Bond kind of hero, actually really leaned on other people for support. I went back, if you look at Mandela, you look at Gandhi, you look at Martin Luther King, you look at any of these modern day heroes as well. They all had a support squad. So one of the questions we can all ask ourselves is who's your support squad? Who do you lean on in times of uncertainty? Who do you count as your inner support squad? That I think becomes a really important
- [45:26]
A
question to ask ourselves, especially in an era of social isolation and atomization and hyper individualism and perfectionism and all of this stuff. The culture is not guiding us in the right direction on this one, so I just want to emphasize that what you're pointing at is really important. Coming up, Ranjay talks about how to inject courage into whatever culture you're operating in, workplace, etc. Etc. And some strategies for becoming more bold. Lately I've been trying to be a little bit more intentional about what I wear every day, leaning into pieces that feel easy, comfortable and still put together. It just makes getting dressed simpler. Quince has been a big go to for me in this regard. The fabrics feel elevated, the fits are clean, and everything just works without needing to overthink it. Quince has all the wardrobe staples for spring. Think 100% European linen shorts and shirts from $34. Lightweight, breathable and comfortable, but still looking to put together and clean. 100% Pima cotton tees with a softness that has to be felt. Their pants also hit that same balance. Relaxed and comfortable, but still polished enough to wear pretty much anywhere. I have a black pair of chinos from Quint's that I wear at least once a week. Everything is priced 50 to 80% less than what you'd find at similar brands. Quint's work works directly with ethical factories and cuts out the middlemen, so you're getting premium materials without the markup. Refresh your everyday with luxury you will actually use. Head to quints.com happier for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q U I n c e.com happier for free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com happier happier.
- [47:24]
C
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
- [47:49]
A
So just to reset here, your overarching thesis is that courage is a skill that we can develop. The how of that is these nine Cs we've been talking about. The first six of the nine Cs coping, confidence or conviction, commitment, connection, comprehension and calm. The last three, plan, charisma and culture are really about how to engender courage in an organization. You touched on this a little bit, not only through Shackleton, but also through your interest in sports coaches. But what should those of us who are in leadership positions, either in a workplace or in a family or in a friend group know about how to get this, as you call master virtue, into. Into the culture?
- [48:38]
B
So you know, as somebody who's been around organizations for a long time, I have learned one thing. Context matters. We are all social creatures. We respond to the social cues in our context. We are individual creatures too. But we, as much as we don't want to believe it, especially in America, we don't want to believe we are in any way socially influenced. We believe we're hyper individualists. Context matters. And I think what I would say is that as we look at context, even in a family, we have a context we create as a family. The parents create a context in which behavior is manifest. What's acceptable, what's not. We role model it. We penalize some things and we recognize some things. So how do we create a context in which courage is not only recognized but cherished and encouraged. And learning to be bold is something that we not only tolerate, but we actually support. And I tell you what, context matters. Like one of the companies, I wrote a case study on the leader when he was going to change the organizations. He said somebody gave him advice and said you can't turn sheep into wolves. So he said what do you mean? He said the advisor said cull the sheep and hire some wolves. And he disagreed with it vigorously. And he said I'm going to teach sheep to be wolves. And he led this most incredible turnaround without laying off a single person. The same organization, the bottom rated bank in Singapore, nickname from dbs. It was called Damn bloody Slow. It was the worst rated bank to the number one bank in the world in, in 10 years. And he said without laying off anybody. So he said how do you change the context in which people not to under appreciate how context shapes our behavior. So those three chapters are really to for anybody thinking about what is the context you can create in which people will find the ability to act more courageously. That's really what I was trying to get at there. Now for the individual, the question I should ask is we should all opt and self select to be in contexts that encourage courageous behavior. If we want to be courageous. You know, some organizations do not. Others do. Let's pick one that everybody knows. Netflix is something I talk about in the book. So right now, we look at Netflix and say, oh, my God, how do these guys do it? They took on blockbuster, which had 7,000 stores. They knocked out Blockbuster out of business. Then they shut down all their DVD rental warehouses, which they had used to knock out Blockbuster, and moved into streaming. Then they said, oh, streaming is costing us too much money because you have to pay Disney and everybody else. Let's make our own content. Oh, then by the way, if we're making our own content, let's make content in India and Turkey and South Africa and Brazil and everywhere else. And you're like, who are these guys? And then eventually they have to compete with Amazon, Apple, Disney, Paramount, and they're still winning the streaming war. And you're like, who are these guys? Reed Hastings was asked, who was the founder, CEO, what do you do as CEO? And you know what he said? I do nothing. I do nothing. Because he said, I've created a context in which they encourage experimentation, trying new things, failing learning. He wants them all to take bold action. So that's the thing. I think you have to. So how do we create a context in which people. They call it context, not control. They call it freedom with responsibility. Right. So those are the kinds of things these people are able to do, is to create this kind of courageous action. So context is hugely important, I think, for all of us. There's a chapter I didn't write today, and I can tell you about that. The last chapter that never got written.
- [53:02]
A
Sure.
- [53:03]
B
Then the Dalai Lama wrote the foreword. So I didn't write that chapter. I said, like, you know, after the Dalai Lama, what am I going to say is ultimate courage is to really look inwards. Even in the Bhagavad Gita and elsewhere, they talk about that the scariest thing for human beings is to look inside. And so managing yourself is, I think, the hardest thing to do. We have all kinds of barriers and resistances. So I would say I came to realize that ultimate courage or overcoming this fear is about dealing with our own inner journey as a human being. What are my goals? What are my values? What's my purpose? What's my legacy? How do I think about myself? Those are scary for most of us. They're scary questions, and that's why we tend to shy away from them. Say, I'm busy. I don't have time for this. You know, it's like, I don't want to deal with this. So I think the inner journey, everything I've talked about as courage, is an outer journey. But I've come to realize that the ultimate, hardest of all is the inner journey, because courage can be used in that direction as well.
- [54:20]
A
Well, I would agree with that in my own experience. You end the book on a sentiment that I also agree with. And it really is an echo of where we began this conversation that I believe your words are that courage is a journey, that we don't arrive at some perfect state of courage. This is a skill that develops over time. The words you use, I believe, are boldness begets boldness, that we can really nudge ourselves in this direction step by step, over time. Am I summarizing that correctly? And if so, what. What would you add?
- [54:55]
B
No, I think that's right. I think is people don't become bold overnight necessarily. Sometimes they do. Situations demand it. Think about the snake study I told you about, where it took weeks and weeks for these kids to slowly overcome and understand their fear of snakes and slowly then try to turn that into an acceptable situation. So courage shows its face in all corners of life. I interviewed a dear friend of mine who just unfortunately passed away of cancer. And I interviewed her to just. This is about a year and a half ago, and she was a healthy, young, athletic woman who had a cough that wouldn't go away. And then she eventually went to see her physician who said, let's do an X ray. And they found a tumor in her lungs. And this thing then snowballed into a whole set of things. And she was amazing. You know, we don't use the word courage for people like that. I would describe her as an epitome of courage because she was dealing with so much uncertainty because there was no clear treatment plan. You can do this, you can do that. Surgery, radiation, chemo, this maybe on the one hand. On the other, I don't know, it's too big. Let's try to shrink it. Let's try this first. Let's try that first. And how she had to navigate this uncertainty in her life until the very end. In Buddhism, they say, you know, the biggest fear is fear of death. So you're confronting your mortality, and how do you do it? With grace. Without reading my book, I think she relied on connections for support. She did comprehension by trying to get more information slowly to understand it. She relied on coping. A belief in some higher power of a higher force. Right. So I think part of the issue, I think, is the word courage is out there as a lofty word. It's for the heroic characters out there who do incredible things to save the world. And I think part of the hope I have is we make courage part of our daily vocabulary. I am courageous. Fear. It's okay. Bring it on. I'm scared. Yes, I am scared. It's a scary situation. But you know what? I'm gonna figure out some way. I'm not gonna let it paralyze me. I'm gonna find some way forward. Might be reckless, might not be the right answer, but being paralyzed is not the answer either.
- [57:47]
A
Well said Ron Jelotti. The book is called how to Be the Surprising Science of Everyday Courage. Thank you very much for coming on. Really appreciate it. Great to meet you.
- [57:58]
B
Thank you dad. You are a master this thank you very much.
- [58:06]
A
Thanks again to Ranjay. It was awesome to meet him. Also, don't forget to check out my new Ish meditation app. As mentioned at the top, we're adding a bunch of new sleep meditations next week. Ten of them, plus we're doing a live video session with Tara Lai on how to use meditation to improve your own sleep. DanHarris.com is the place to sign up. Join the party. There's a free 14 day trial if you want to try before you buy. Finally, thank you to everybody who worked so hard to make this show. Our producers are Tara Anderson and Eleanor Vasily. Our recording and engineering is handled by the great folks over at Pod People. Lauren Smith is our Managing producer, Marissa Schneiderman is our Senior producer, DJ Kashmir is our Executive producer and Nick Thorburn of the band Islands wrote our theme.
- [59:04]
C
This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.
- [59:26]
D
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