Podcast Title: 10% Happier with Dan Harris
Episode Title: Tricky Questions About Grief: Is There A Right Way To Do It? What To Say To People In Grief? And Can You Grieve For Things? | Sloane Crosley
Release Date: December 13, 2024
Guest: Sloane Crosley
Co-Interviewer: Dr. Bianca Harris

Introduction

In this emotionally charged episode of 10% Happier with Dan Harris, host Dan Harris delves deep into the complex topic of grief alongside acclaimed author Sloane Crosley and his wife, Dr. Bianca Harris. The discussion navigates through the nuanced territories of personal loss, societal perceptions of grief, and effective ways to support those who are mourning.

Sloane Crosley's Journey Through Grief

Timestamp [07:44]
Sloane Crosley opens up about her personal experiences that form the backbone of her memoir, Grief is for People. She recounts two significant events from 2019:

1. The Burglary:
   In her 600-square-foot apartment, Sloane was burglarized, losing all her jewelry. The incident left her feeling violated and struggling with feelings that, culturally, might be dismissed as trivial compared to more conventional forms of grief.

2. Loss of a Best Friend to Suicide:
   A month after the burglary, her close friend Russell Perot died by suicide. This double loss forced Sloane to confront compounded grief, challenging societal norms that often deem grief "appropriate" only for the loss of people.

Notable Quote:
"Luck is a dirty word when you're out of it." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [07:44]

The Concept of Cumulative Grief

Timestamp [15:27]
Sloane introduces the idea of compound grief, where multiple losses intersect, intensifying the emotional impact. She describes experiencing a constant state of anxiety post-burglary and an obsessive hunt to recover her stolen jewelry, magnifying her sense of loss when her friend subsequently died.

Notable Quote:
"There's a kind of madness within grief... it's a lot more than just sending flowers and soup." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [15:27]

Navigating Grief After Suicide

Timestamp [28:08]
The conversation takes a poignant turn as Sloane discusses the unique challenges of grieving a friend who died by suicide. She emphasizes the importance of reshaping societal dialogues around suicide to reduce stigma and foster a more supportive environment.

Notable Quote:
"We're all walking around with a little bit of sadness and a little bit of consciousness of our own mortality." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [28:08]

Challenging Societal Norms Around Grief

Timestamp [22:53]
Sloane critiques the competitive nature of grief, especially in a bustling city like New York, where individuals often vie over whose loss is more significant. She advocates for stripping away this competition to validate all forms of grief equally.

Notable Quote:
"The dichotomy is also false as someone whose cat recently died, you know." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [22:53]

Effective Ways to Support Those in Grief

Timestamp [25:30]
Both Sloane and Dr. Bianca Harris share insights on how to genuinely support someone who is grieving:

• Avoid Clichés: Phrases like "I can't imagine what that must be like" can be triggering.
• Empathetic Engagement: Instead of projecting your own feelings, actively invite the grieving person to share.

Notable Quote:
"The best thing I can say is I'm so glad you told me that." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [25:30]

Bibliotherapy as a Healing Tool

Timestamp [53:03]
The episode explores bibliotherapy, the use of literature to support emotional healing. Sloane cites works like All My Puny Sorrows by Miriam Toews as instrumental in her journey, highlighting how novels and poetry can provide solace and understanding during times of grief.

Notable Quote:
"Sometimes what helps is to even go bigger and wider and understand what we were talking about before." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [53:03]

Redefining Acceptance in Grief

Timestamp [37:37]
Sloane offers a fresh perspective on the traditional five stages of grief, suggesting that they are more applicable to the dying person rather than those left behind. She challenges the notion of "acceptance" as the final stage, advocating instead for embracing the ongoing presence of grief without the pressure to "get over it."

Notable Quote:
"The written word should never be mistaken for the final word. I still wonder about his death. I am still not over it." – Sloane Crosley
Timestamp [39:57]

Personal Reflections and Coping Mechanisms

Timestamp [48:50]
Dr. Bianca Harris shares her personal journey with grief, emphasizing the importance of feeling everything without suppression. She credits Sloane's insights with helping her navigate the loss of her father, underscoring the universality of grief experiences.

Notable Quote:
"The only thing that I could come to and that worked... is just feel everything, just have your eyes open to it." – Dr. Bianca Harris
Timestamp [48:50]

Conclusion

This episode of 10% Happier masterfully unpacks the intricate layers of grief, especially when compounded by unexpected and culturally misunderstood losses. Sloane Crosley and Dr. Bianca Harris provide invaluable perspectives on embracing all facets of grief, challenging societal norms, and leveraging literature as a therapeutic tool. Listeners are left with a deeper understanding of the human condition and practical insights into supporting themselves and others through the inevitable pains of life.

Key Takeaways:

• Grief is Multifaceted: It extends beyond the loss of people to include possessions and experiences.
• Compound Grief Amplifies Pain: Multiple simultaneous losses can intensify the grieving process.
• Support Through Empathy: Genuine, open-ended conversations are more helpful than clichéd expressions of sympathy.
• Bibliotherapy as Healing: Engaging with literature can provide comfort and understanding during times of grief.
• Redefining Acceptance: Moving beyond traditional stages to embrace the persistent nature of grief.

Recommended Reads:

• Grief is for People by Sloane Crosley
• All My Puny Sorrows by Miriam Toews
• The Missing Stage of Grief by Claire Bidwell Smith

For more insights and episodes, listen to 10% Happier with Dan Harris on the Wondery App or your preferred podcast platform.