JOYCE WALLACE CASE and THE PRIVATE EYE TEST RICHARD DIAMOND , P.I.

Summary

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Podcast Summary: 1001 Radio Crime Solvers

Episode: JOYCE WALLACE CASE and THE PRIVATE EYE TEST – RICHARD DIAMOND, P.I.

Host: Jon Hagadorn
Date: September 3, 2025

Episode Overview

In this double-feature episode, listeners are treated to two classic radio detective stories featuring Richard Diamond, Private Detective, as portrayed by Dick Powell. The first segment, "The Joyce Wallace Case," dives into the world of Broadway intrigue, marital disputes, and life-threatening pranks. The second, "The Private Eye Test," provides a rare, self-aware look at Diamond being put through the wringer—both by an official license exam and an unexpected murder in the police precinct itself.

These stories showcase the golden age of radio detectives: sharp wit, rat-a-tat dialogue, and ingenious plotting, all delivered with the tongue-in-cheek, hardboiled charm that made Richard Diamond a standout of the era.

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Segment 1: The Joyce Wallace Case

[Start ~00:50]

Opening & Client Introduction

• Richard Diamond is in his office, jokingly advertising bizarre weapons (“Reconditioned V2 bombs… five second-hand grenades for the kiddies”).
• Joyce Wallace, a glamorous actress, arrives in distress:

  “Because someone tried to kill me.” (Joyce, [03:16])

• She claims someone fired a shot at her through her apartment window but refuses to alert the police, fearing scandal that might affect her child custody battle with estranged husband, playwright Barton Webb.

Investigating the Attack

• Diamond and Joyce inspect her luxurious apartment; he finds the bullet lodged high in the wall:

  “If an average man pointed the gun, he was either down on his knees or he was a pretty lousy shot.” (Diamond, [06:51])

• Diamond insists on having the bullet checked with his friends in the police force and leaves, declining a drink with Joyce.

At the Fifth Precinct

• Classic comic banter with Sergeant Otis and Lieutenant Walt Levinson.
• Diamond gets the bullet sent to ballistics and heads to the Strand Theater, where Joyce is performing.

Theater Drama

• Joyce is in her dressing room with her soon-to-be ex-husband, Barton Webb. The two clearly have unresolved feelings and tension.
• A delivery arrives: flowers—her customary yellow roses, but this time with a live (but non-poisonous) snake inside. Joyce is terrified, referencing a childhood trauma.

  “You keep on like this, you’ll end up sleeping in a cave.” (Diamond, [12:38])

• Diamond kills the snake and calms her, with the arrival of a doctor and the police.

Suspect Interrogation

• Diamond interviews Webb. Webb admits having a Mauser .25 pistol, which recently went missing, and regularly sending Joyce yellow roses.
• Webb denies sending the snake; both insist only he knew about Joyce’s snake phobia.

Clues and the Twist

• Details emerge that there were two flower deliveries—one from Webb, another from a mysterious boy.
• Diamond puts it together:
  • Joyce staged the threats (snake, shooting) herself to frame her husband and strengthen her custody case.
  • She had taken Webb’s gun and engineered the situation to look like attempted murder.

“You put a snake in it and had some kid deliver it… You took his gun a few days ago, Joyce. You called him and told him to meet you here, hoping I’d follow. Then you were going to make it look like he’d attempted to kill you.” (Diamond, [25:07])

• The couple’s messy affection is laid bare, with Barton willing to take the blame out of lingering love. Diamond ensures the police will understand what really happened.

Notable Quotes & Moments

• On Joyce’s bathing suit popularity:

  “Half the women who know you would dislike you just because…let’s say your bathing suits have an advantage.” (Diamond, [04:43])

• Comic back-and-forth on “complicity”:

  “If somebody gets killed, I’m going to hold you for…for…for complicity.” (Levinson, [15:34])
  “I bet you can’t say it again.” (Diamond)

• Resolution:

  “You’re right, Mr. Diamond… I was afraid he was going to take away the one thing you loved. Your child.” (Diamond, [25:37])

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Segment 2: The Private Eye Test

[~31:52 onward]

A Test—And a Real Murder

• Diamond is called in for a mandatory detective’s exam at the Fifth Precinct—a source of much mockery.
• Rival private detective Romero taunts Diamond (“You’re a lousy detective and you’d burn your grandmother if there was enough money in it.” Romero, [34:25]).
• During a staged ‘homicide’ exam, Diamond finds a real corpse—Romero himself—shot dead amidst the props.

Investigation Unfolds

• Partnership with Walt resumes as they scramble to keep the murder secret from the press.
• Ballistics and clues point to connections with the local gangster, Amos "Patent Leather Kid" Fletcher.
• $10,000 in cash found on Romero links to a blackmail scheme. Further digging ties Romero to new offices across from the precinct—perfect for a sniper shot.

Tracking the Killer

• Diamond uncovers that Fletcher withdrew $10,000 that morning.
• Clues lean heavily on wit and observation:

  “When I broke in on him and got a patent leather shoe in the face for my trouble…” (Diamond, [49:27])

• Real estate agent Ms. Crockett reveals Romero’s new office had just been leased.

The Sting

• Diamond and Walt devise a ruse: Walt’s squad calls Fletcher and hints that Diamond has “what he’s looking for.”
• Fletcher bursts in on Diamond, armed and desperate, ultimately confessing to the blackmail and killing, just as Walt and the police arrive and subdue him.

“You know something, Diamond? I don’t mind killing you at all.” — Fletcher, [55:33]

Wrapup & Humor

• Walt reports they found incriminating material in Romero’s deposit box—enough to send Fletcher away for life.
• The episode closes with Diamond refusing to finish his test, telling Walt to "cheat":

  “Cheat. Cheat, cheat. Oh, that’s what you always say.” (Diamond, [56:40])

• In a closing gag, the only test answer Otis fills out is comically wrong:

  “To what department does the cleanup squad belong?”
  “The Department of Sanitation.” (Otis’s answer, [58:15])

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Memorable Quotes

• On the lack of business:

  "Clients have been as scarce as lobsters on the Sahara."
  — Diamond, [02:45]

• On therapy via knockout:

  "I don't usually like to belt women, but this was one of those times when a case of nerves had to be turned off in a hurry, like a leaky faucet."
  — Diamond, [12:36]

• Walt’s recurring exasperation:

  "If somebody gets killed, I’m going to hold you…for complicity.”
  — Levinson, [15:34]

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• 03:16 – Joyce Wallace hires Diamond after an attempt on her life
• 06:51 – Bullet found in apartment wall; suspicion on the shooter
• 10:32 – Theater confrontation: Joyce and Barton Webb
• 12:07 – Snake-in-the-flowers shock
• 16:12 – Joyce reveals lifelong snake phobia
• 18:33 – Webb claims his gun is missing
• 22:24 – Diamond cracks the case and confronts Joyce
• 31:52 – Diamond gets called for private detective recertification and exam
• 34:32 – Exchange with rival Romero before he’s found dead
• 49:27 – Diamond links blackmail, murder, and gangster Fletcher
• 55:33 – Fletcher’s confession after being cornered
• 58:15 – Otis’s “Department of Sanitation” test answer gag

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Tone and Style

Richard Diamond’s world is marked by quick wit, playful banter, comic exaggeration, and pointed sarcasm, especially in his repartee with Sergeant Otis and Lieutenant Walt Levinson. The show mixes noir atmosphere with self-aware humor and a sentimental streak, particularly in its handling of flawed but sympathetic characters.

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Conclusion

This episode demonstrates why radio’s “golden age” crime dramas remain timeless: crackling plots, memorable lines, and charismatic detectives who always have a comeback ready. Both segments offer their own mystery and a glimpse into Diamond’s world, where cases often land as much in his lap through personality and accident as by deduction.

A must-listen for fans of vintage radio, noir humor, and twisty detective plots.

Transcript

[A]

Back to school is better. With family freedom from T Mobile, we'll pay off four phones up to $3200 and give you four free phones, all on America's largest 5G network. Visit your local T Mobile location or learn more@t mobile.com familyfreedom. Up to $800 per line via virtual prepaid card typically takes 15 days. Free phones via 24 monthly bill credits with finance agreement eg Apple iPhone 16128 gigabyte 820099 eligible trade in eg iPhone 11 Pro for well qualified credits end and balance due. If you pay off earlier, cancel contact T mobile phone. High interest debt is one of the toughest opponents you'll face unless you power up with a SOFI personal loan. A SOFI personal loan could repackage your bad debt into one low fixed rate monthly payment. It's even got superspeed since you could get the funds as soon as the same day you sign. Visit sofi.compower to learn more. That's s o-fi.com P-O-W-E r loans originated by SoFi bank and a member FDIC terms and conditions apply. NMLS 696891 the National Broadcasting Company presents Dick Powell as Richard Diamond Private Detective. Oh, calm down, baby. Take it easy. It's all right now. Hey, what's going on in here? Go get a doctor to step on it. Yeah, okay. Joyce. Joyce, Keep on like this, you'll end up sleeping in a cage. Joyce, will you shut up and listen to me? Okay, honey, Sorry. Here's another exciting half hour with rich Richard Diamond Private Detective. Starring Dick Powell. Diamond Detective Agency. Anything for the home? Reconditioned V2 bombs, complete with built in seat for your mother in law's next trip. Also, a large stock of five second hand grenades for the kitties in the block. Oh, by the way, we have a special today.

[B]

Oh, you have?

[A]

Yes. With every 5 ton purchase of dynamite you get free of charge, a nifty nitro tank destroyer kit.

[B]

Oh, that's nice.

[A]

Great for parties. Plant one in your driveway and give your relatives that extra lift.

[B]

Richard Diamond.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Oh, you're terrible.

[A]

Oh, now you only say that because you're an authority on the subject.

[B]

It's a wonder you ever get any clients.

[A]

Ah, honey, maybe I've been trying too hard this week. Clients have been as scarce as lobsters on the Sahara.

[B]

Oh, no business at all, Helen.

[A]

If a client walked in now, I'd probably fall off the chair.

[B]

Mr. Dunn. Oh my goodness. Rick. Rick.

[A]

Just being as good as my word, dear.

[B]

Can I give you a hand?

[A]

No. What else do you want to get rid of?

[B]

Rick, what happened?

[A]

Oh, someone just walked in.

[B]

And you fell?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Right on, Rick.

[A]

I'll talk to you later.

[B]

Bye.

[A]

Bye. What can I do for you, dear?

[B]

My name is Joyce Wallace. I want to hire you.

[A]

How do you do, Ms. Wallace? Why do you want to hire me?

[B]

Because someone tried to kill me. Mmm.

[A]

How?

[B]

I was sitting in my living room. Someone took a shot at me through the window.

[A]

Your new play opened last week, didn't it?

[B]

Ah. You know who I am?

[A]

Mm, Yes, I remember a number you did in tights. You got a pretty face, too, but thank you. Have you gone to the police?

[B]

No.

[A]

Well, baby, if someone's out gunning for you, the law is your best bet. I think you better go see them.

[B]

I can't.

[A]

Uh, all right, then, tell me about it.

[B]

Well, as you know, I'm an actress. If this got out, it would be all over the papers by tomorrow.

[A]

You've had publicity before?

[B]

Certainly, and some of it's been very bad. This time I can't afford bad publicity.

[A]

Oh, well, go on.

[B]

You see, my husband and I have separated. I'm trying to retain custody of our child.

[A]

And the courts wouldn't like you getting shot at.

[B]

Barton, it's. My husband will try just about anything to get the child away from me. You're married to Barton Webb, the playwright.

[A]

Well, maybe he was the one who took the shot at you.

[B]

I've thought about that, but it's a little hard to believe.

[A]

Why?

[B]

Well, we've had a fairly decent relationship up till six months ago.

[A]

Honey, I've known guys who got mad and slit their wives throats all in a matter of an hour or so. It doesn't take six months to build up to shooting.

[B]

Well, that's why I want to hire you. I want you to find out, can.

[A]

You think of anyone else who might like you better at the morgue?

[B]

Well, I. I have people who don't like me. Certainly.

[A]

Certainly.

[B]

Why do you agree so quickly?

[A]

Sweetheart, look, it stands to reason that half the women who know you would dislike you just because. Well, let's say your bathing suits have an advantage.

[B]

Ah, nice. What about the other half?

[A]

Oh, probably like their husbands in a vault after six in the evening.

[B]

Well, if you take the job, we'll probably spend a lot of time together.

[A]

Dear, I've got claustrophobia. If I get nervous, I'll just run my head into a wall or something.

[B]

You're hired.

[A]

You're Jumping the gun. I get 100 a day in expenses.

[B]

I have a check.

[A]

I'll take it.

[B]

There you are.

[A]

I certainly am. Well, let's go.

[B]

Where?

[A]

To your apartment. I want to look for the bullet.

[B]

Good. We can have a drink.

[A]

Well, it's a little early, but I could use something cool.

[B]

Are you warm?

[A]

I think so. I've smoked three cigarettes while we've been talking and haven't lighted one match. We left the office then with Joyce Wallace in the lead. I followed her down the hall, into the elevator down to the first floor where I bought some seasick pills and decided it was better to walk alongside of her. We grabbed a cab and 20 minutes later I was standing on a foot thick carpet surrounded by a very cozy apartment. Cozy? That means $25,000 worth of furniture that you'd never look at when George Wallace is in.

[B]

You like it?

[A]

Oh, but yes, yes. Tell me, when did Mata Harry go in for decorating?

[B]

Would you like to see where the bullet came through the window? It's right over here, see?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Mr. Diamond.

[A]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, the bullet. Oh, right through the window.

[B]

I was standing over there by the sofa when I heard the shot. What are you doing?

[A]

Well, I'm looking for the bullet. It's got to be around here someplace. Unless you've already found it.

[B]

Why, Noah, I never even thought to look.

[A]

Well, it should be in this wall somewhere.

[B]

I'll fix us that drink while you're looking.

[A]

Take your time.

[B]

What do you like?

[A]

Oh, any old thing with I. Hey, wait a minute. You don't know any midgets, do you?

[B]

Whatever do you mean?

[A]

Mind if I stand on this chair?

[B]

Go ahead. Oh, I see it. The bullet up there by the ceiling.

[A]

Yeah, that's what I meant about knowing a. A midget. Your window's right on the street. If an average man pointed the gun, he was either down on his knees or he was a pretty lousy shot.

[B]

Can you pry it out?

[A]

Yeah, I got it. Uh huh. There you are.

[B]

What are you going to do with it?

[A]

Run it down to the Fifth Precinct and have ballistics check on it.

[B]

That means you're going to see the police.

[A]

Honey, what else can I do? I don't think the Boy Scouts are equipped for that sort of thing.

[B]

I told you I don't want the police brought in on this.

[A]

Oh, they won't be. I've got a few friends who will do the job and that's that.

[B]

Oh, well, how about that drink?

[A]

Oh, I'll take a rain check for later.

[B]

Well, it's 4:30 now. I'll be at the theater at 6.

[A]

If I don't get back here to you, I'll see you at the theater.

[B]

It's the Strand. I'll leave word with the doorman.

[A]

Tell me, dear, you don't do another number in tights, do you?

[B]

No, why?

[A]

Oh, it's just as well. Last time my blood pressure went up so high some guy sitting right behind me got an idea for a new pressure cooker and made a fortune. I'll see you later, dear. She walked me to the door and said something about all work and no play. And then she stood on her toes and kissed me on the forehead. The kiss was effective, all right. When I finally found my way down the hall, I knew just how the first cow in Texas felt right after being branded. I got out into the fresh air, gulped a couple of lungs full, grabbed a cab, and a few minutes later I was walking into the squadroom of the 5th Precinct Police Station. Well, good afternoon, Sergeant. Oh, what do you want, Shamus? What do you want, Shamas? Oh, Otis, why don't you be happy? Conform. The worst has happened. They'll never send you back to the jungle. The lieutenant in? Yeah, go ahead. Thanks, Morty. No, Otis. Yeah, what is it? When are you gonna get a haircut? What's the matter with my hair? Looks like a mountain lion's been sleeping in it. Hello, Walt. Why don't you leave him alone, Rick? He's used to it. It'll drive him out of his mind. If I walked in someday and didn't say a word, it would probably. Why don't you try it? Oh, you're as bad as I am. That's a horrible thing to say to me. And by the way, what are you doing down here, Rick? What's going on? I want a ballistics check on this bullet. Oh, you do, huh? Where'd you get it? What? That bullet. Well, what do you want to know for? Because I think you're trying to hide something. Now, why would I do that, Walt? Because that's the way you operate. Now, where did you get that bullet? What bullet? Now, you stop that. That bullet you got in your hand. That one right there. This one? Yes, that one. What about it? Where'd it come from? You want to know? Of course I want to know. Well, who can tell you better about a bullet than ballistics? Yeah. Otis. Yeah, Lieutenant? Get in here. What are you gonna do? Find out about that bullet. You wanted me, Lieutenant? No, I just wondered if you'd guessed who it was. On my private line. Take this bullet down the ballistics and bring me the report. Right. Thanks, Walt. I'll check with you later. Now, you wait a minute. There was something I was gonna ask you. Yes? Well, I'll think of it later. Something about the bullet, Walt? Yeah, that was. I let Walt chase me as far as the street. Then I grabbed another cab headed for my own apartment. It was about 5 o', clock, so I cooked up a short meal, climbed into a shower and my other suit. At six o' clock I was at the Strand Theater talking with the doorman. Say, your name's Diamond? Yeah, that's right, Pop. Well, Ms. Wallace had to show you right back. But I don't know whether this is a very good time or not. Well, she said six o'. Clock. Six now, Pop. Yeah, but she's got a visitor. Oh, well, come on, I'll show you anyway. Her dressing room is right down this way.

[B]

I'm not going to give her up.

[A]

Well, my dear, you may just have to anyway.

[B]

Oh, isn't it?

[A]

You see what I mean? Husband still wanting to go in? I think so.

[B]

You're just trying to upset me.

[A]

I want to settle this thing once and for all. Good luck. Thanks, Pop.

[B]

Well, I don't care. I'm just going to go ahead with my plans to.

[A]

You better answer the door, darling. Give your tonsils a rest. Hello, Jones.

[B]

Oh, come in, Mr. Diamond.

[A]

Oh, he's a new one, isn't he?

[B]

This is Mr. Diamond and I have some business I want to talk over with him alone.

[A]

Well, anyway you look at him, it certainly would be foolish for me to argue the point. I suppose you chin yourself regularly, Mr. Diamond. Chins are a hobby with me, Mr. Webb. I've come in contact with several in the past. A wit, muscles and wit. This is a new achievement for you, dear.

[B]

Please get out of here now.

[A]

Good evening, Mr. Diamond. I will say that you are more of a presentable specimen than the others. You are somewhat of a specimen yourself, Mr. Webb. H. Another time, Mr. Diamond. Good evening.

[B]

He just won't leave me alone.

[A]

Did you tell him about someone trying to take a shot at you?

[B]

Well, of course not. He'd go right to the papers. It's just what he's looking for. Oh, no, I'll get it.

[A]

I see you made it all right. Hello, Pop.

[B]

Who is it?

[A]

Package for you, Ms. Wallace.

[B]

Oh, thanks, Pop. Will you take it, Mr. Diamond?

[A]

Sure thing. Thanks. Oh, well, flowers.

[B]

Flowers. Oh, this is his idea. The joke upset me so I can hardly go on. Then a few Seconds later, his flowers arrive.

[A]

Wyton's flowers?

[B]

Yes. Sends me yellow roses every Monday. Look out, snake.

[A]

Get back.

[B]

Oh, it's crawling out.

[A]

All right, all right. It's okay now. It's dead. Hon. Honey, calm down. Hey, what's going on here? Call the doctor. Pop, what's the shooting all about? Well, you get out of here and call the doctor.

[B]

Go on.

[A]

Hey. Okay. Hey, ain't that a snake? No, it's an eccentric spaghetti. Now, get that doctor. Joyce, you've got to take it easy. The snake's dead. Now, calm down.

[B]

Baby snake. A snake?

[A]

You keep on like this, you'll end up sleeping in a cave. Joyce, will you shut up and listen to me? Okay, honey. Sorry. Like I said, sorry. But it's better if you sleep it off. I don't usually like to belt women, but this was one of those times when a case of nerves had to be turned off in a hurry, like a leaky faucet. Pretty soon the tub runs over and something gets rusted. I caught her. She went down, picked her up, carried her over to the couch. Then I left her that way until the doctor arrived. No wonder she went off like that. I'd probably end up walking on my hands if somebody sent me a snake. I think maybe I hit her a little hard. Best thing you could have done under the circumstances. She's coming out of it. I'll give her a mild sedative, calm her down. She'll be all right now, after the initial shock has worn off. Joyce. How do you feel?

[B]

You bully.

[A]

Had to do it. Think you'd be all right now, Miss Wallace?

[B]

Who are you?

[A]

A doctor. He's going to give you something to make you rest.

[B]

He's not going to hit me too, is he?

[A]

Oh, just a mild sedative. Calm you down, make you feel better.

[B]

Thank you, but I don't need anything. I'll be all right. Besides, I've got a show to do.

[A]

Whatever you say. You're sure it wouldn't be.

[B]

Where's the snake?

[A]

Oh, dear. Pop. Pop just took it out.

[B]

Oh, let me sit up. I'm all right.

[A]

Right in here. Captain. Lieutenant. Everybody duck. Aha. I might have known it. You might have. But you've still got your sergeant around to keep you out of stupor. Oh, he's picking on me again. Lieutenant, look.

[B]

What in the world is going on here?

[A]

The law has landed, Joyce. This is good. Lieutenant Levinson. Walt. Ms. Joyce Wallace.

[B]

Oh, they must be here about the snake.

[A]

Yeah, I called him. Miss Wallace. Who's this Guy. This guy's a doctor, Walt. I'm just leaving, Lieutenant. Miss Wallace seems to be all right now. All right, doctor. Otis, take him out in the hall. Get his name and address in case we want to talk to him. All right, Lieutenant. Goodbye, Ms. Wallace. You just try and relax.

[B]

Yes, thank you, Doctor.

[A]

All right, Rick. Now what the devil's going on here? We get a call from the doorman. There's a snake loose in Ms. Wallace's dressing room that someone's been doing some shooting. Snake was loose. I shot it.

[B]

That's right, Lieutenant. It's as simple as that.

[A]

Oh, it's as simple as that. How'd the snake get in here? Oh, maybe he was one of her fans. Now you stop that. You find out about that bullet? Yes, I found out about that bullet fired from a Mauser.25. And that's another thing I want to.

[B]

Lieutenant, there's really nothing to worry about. A snake got into my dressing room. Mr. Diamond shot it and that's all.

[A]

Ms. Wallace, how does a snake get backstage and into a dressing room? Well, now, let's see. If I was a snake. All right, all right. I looked the snake, it wasn't poisonous, so I guess it doesn't make much difference. Wasn't poisonous, no red heart. Just a wittle old gopher snake. Now, what about that bullet you had me analyze? It's part of a case I'm working on. I'll. I'll tell you about it later. Nothing to do with Ms. Wallace, I suppose. No connection with the snake at all?

[B]

None whatsoever.

[A]

Lieutenant, is this the box the snake came in? Yeah. I'll check with the florist. Yeah, do that, will you? And let me know what you find out. All right. But diamond, so help me, if somebody gets killed, I'm going to hold you for. For. For complicity. I bet you can't say it again. Say what? Complicity. Complicity, you never know.

[B]

Thank you for not telling him anything, Mr. Diamond.

[A]

Well, there wasn't much to tell. Maybe you'd better help me out, though. Any idea why some would send you a non poisonous snake?

[B]

Certainly, I have a deathly fear of them. Any kind of snake.

[A]

How many people know about this?

[B]

My husband.

[A]

Anyone else?

[B]

No one. I've never told anyone. You see, I was bitten by a snake when I was a little girl in Wyoming. I never got over it.

[A]

Someone must have known about it then.

[B]

My family and a doctor, they're all dead now.

[A]

All right, all right. I'm going to leave for a while. Think you'll be all right for the show?

[B]

Certainly. I have a little time before curtain.

[A]

Oh, by the way, what's your husband's address?

[B]

559 East Park. Why?

[A]

Well, I'm going over to see him. Find out what kind of presents he's in the habit of sending. Yes. Oh, you should be in mourning, Mr. Webb. I just killed a friend of yours. What? Maybe you better let me in. Well, if you're running around exterminating my friends, maybe I'd just better call the police. Why don't you do that now? I'm coming in. I hardly see. Oh, yes. Well, you're in. Can I get you a drink, Mr. Dime? I haven't got much time. Now what? A few answers. Well, at least take your hat off. I don't like being intimidated, but if I must be subjected to your roughhouse tactics, I prefer you to be polite. If I get the right answers, I'll be so polite I'll even apologize when I break your leg. I really think I'd better call the police. Did you send your wife a snake? Has Joyce taken up the bottle? Which leg do you want me to start on? Don't be ridiculous. Of course I didn't send my wife a snake. Did you send her flowers? Yellow roses. I have a standing order with the florist every Monday night. Well, this Monday there was a snake in them. You're serious? How do I look? That is a very provocative question. Look, buster, let's not. Good grief. If someone did send Joyce a snake, she must be in a complete state of hysterics. She hates them. Do you own a Mauser.25, Mr. Webb? Why, yes. How did you know that? I didn't. Can I see it? No. As a matter of fact, it disappeared a couple of days ago. That's a little thin. Mr. Diamond, I assure you that if I could show you the gun, I would be most happy to. Loaded and pointing right at your overdeveloped chest. You say it disappeared a couple of days ago. Hmm. Sure about that? Of course. I kept it in my bureau drawer. When I got up in the morning, it was there. And that evening I went to get a handkerchief and the gun was gone. Nothing else moved? No indication of robbery?

[B]

No.

[A]

Who has a key to the apartment besides yourself? Your wife, Mr. Diamond. A moment ago you told me someone had set my wife a snake. I mentioned that she must be in a complete state of hysterics. Then you start this ridiculous questioning about my missing gun. Now, if my wife was hysterical, by now she's probably looking for the Top of her head. Now, get out of my way. Hey, where do you think you're going? My wife and I may have our differences, Mr. Diamond, but unfortunately for me, I still love her. Oh, and if you ever tell her I said so, muscles or no, I shall assert myself and beat your head off. Oh, Ridlock. She's all right. She's probably doing her show right now. Nevertheless, I'll thank you to remove your oversized hulk and let me go to her. Someone also took a shot at her.

[B]

What?

[A]

Now, I am going to the police. She thinks you did it in order to gain custody of the child. Well, she certainly deserves to think so. I'm not exactly an easy person to live with. Now, please. If this gets to the papers. Mister, you have my word. Now, one more question. Did you ever tell anyone about your wife's fear of snakes? Positively not. Oh. Mind if I make a phone call? If you like. You admit sending your wife a yellow roses? I admit sending my wife some yellow roses. I deny having anything to do with the snake. Homicide, Lieutenant Levinson. What'd you find out about the flowers, Walt? Husband sent them. A Mr. Barton Webb, huh? I'm with him right now. Good for you. But there's no possible way he could have gotten a snake in that box. The flowers were sent over by a messenger. The snake had to be put in between the stage door and her dressing room. Well, Pop, the doorman brought him in. Maybe he did it. I'm going down to question him. Okay. Well, okay. I'll keep in touch. Please do that. I couldn't stand it if everything suddenly started to work normally. Well, did you find out how I put the snake in the box, Mr. Diamond? No, but I'm still interested.

[B]

I'll get it.

[A]

Yes?

[B]

Well, hello.

[A]

Yes. Yes, dear. All right, I'll be right over. Leaving? Unless you'd care to wrestle. Stay as long as you like, though. Pour yourself a drink. The poison is in the red decanter, you know. The poison was in the red decanter. I stood there a minute getting that lousy feeling again. The logical person to have fired the shot and sent the snake was Barton Webb. But my instinct said no. I remembered Walt had said he was going over to question Pop the doorman at the theater. So I took off fast in the hope of beating him there. The theater was only four blocks away, so I ran it. Well, hello there, Mr. Diamond. Hey, Pop, the law's on the way over here to pick you up. For what? Well, they think maybe you put that snake in the box of flowers. Well, I didn't. And they're going to have a hard time proving anything else. Tell me, what did the guy look like who delivered the box? Young kid wearing a uniform? No, just looked like one of the kids in the block. Matter of fact, I thought it was kind of funny. A kid like that delivering for a fancy florist. The fellow who delivered the other box was all get up in a nice blue outfit. What other box? Came right after you left. Looked like it was from the same florist. Thanks, Pop. Is Ms. Wallace on stage now? No, she ain't in her dressing room, either. Her understudy take her place? Yep. Ms. Wallace didn't think she could go on. How did you know that? I'll see you later, Pop. I want to know where. Oh, no. Hello, Walt.

[B]

Oh, no.

[A]

Bye, Walt. Oh, no. Well, I tore it right down the middle. I left the theater, headed across town in a hurry and started adding things up. Webb owned a Mauser.25, but it was missing. A Mauser.25 had been used to take a shot at Joyce. Webb always sent yellow roses. On Monday night, yellow roses had come, and there'd been a snake in them, something that Joyce had feared. And only one other living person besides herself supposedly knew about her fare. Two boxes of flowers at a arrived at the theater. Webb openly admitted sending one bunch. Suddenly, everything was tying together, even a motive. Thanks, Gabby. Keep the change.

[B]

Right.

[A]

Thanks. Joyce. Joyce. Joyce. Now, Joyce, don't be a fool.

[B]

I told you once, Barton, that I couldn't stand it anymore. Now, get away from it. Get away. Help. Joyce, in the nickname. Stop, Norm.

[A]

Come on, open up.

[B]

Oh, shut up.

[A]

Now, Joyce, for once, please try and use your head. Open it up or I bust it in.

[B]

Doesn't do you any good. You can't intimidate me anymore.

[A]

Okay, here he comes.

[B]

Get away from me, Martin.

[A]

Oh, good grief. All right, toss the gun. Over here. Over here.

[B]

Mr. Diamond, he was going to kill me.

[A]

Oh, dear.

[B]

Mr. Diamond. Mr. Diamond.

[A]

Yes? Mr. Diamond, you've ruined the door.

[B]

It was going to kill me.

[A]

Was he? Of course I was, Barton. Well, wasn't he, baby?

[B]

Yes. Yes, of course.

[A]

Of course. Good evening, Mr. Diamond. Looks to me like Joyce had the gun.

[B]

Well, I was trying to protect myself. He threatened to kill me.

[A]

It runs in the family. Instead of an anniversary, we have a funeral. The Webs have always killed their wives. An old custom thought up by my great grandfather.

[B]

Shut up.

[A]

This gun is a Mauser. 25. What did you expect, a crossbow? Who does it belong to? Me. You told me your Gun was swiped a couple of days ago, Barton. Once I explained to a drama critic that my only claim to fame was talent.

[B]

Don't listen to him, Mr. Diamond. That's my gun.

[A]

It's mine, and I can prove it. And you were the one who shot at Joyce from outside the window? Naturally. Which window did you shoot through? Well, no, which. Which window? Quick. Why? Well, how do I know which window? I did it in such a hurry. Where was Joyce standing? You must remember that I refuse to answer you. These questions are completely ridiculous. Then if you did take a shot at her, you also sent her the same.

[B]

Oh, stop it. Stop it, both of you.

[A]

Well, he did, didn't he? Of course I did, Martin.

[B]

Why in the world stand there and admit these things?

[A]

Well, why not, my dear? I should think you might at least be grateful.

[B]

Grateful? Oh, I know you better than that, Barton Webb. You've got some crummy scheme up your sleeve.

[A]

Crummy? Crummy.

[B]

Despicable. Despicable. That's what I meant. You had some pesticide. Despicable.

[A]

Well, if you're going to be yarn, then at least read your line.

[B]

Slowly, slowly, slowly. Despicable.

[A]

Both of you shut up. You admit sending the snake button. Yes, I do.

[B]

He does not.

[A]

I most certainly do. You're a liar.

[B]

What? Yes. Yes, He's a liar, Mr. Diamond. I'll. I'll tell you all about it, Joyce.

[A]

No, no, no, I'll tell you. You came to me because you said someone was trying to kill you. Shot at you through a window, maybe. Barton. Of course. I told you. Oh, shut up. Then a snake arrives and a box of flowers. Looks like Barton sent that, too. I did. You did? Like the devil. Two boxes of flowers came to the theater tonight. One of them was yours, Barton. The other one you sent yourself, Joyce. You put a snake in it and had some kid deliver it.

[B]

Hut I did.

[A]

Yes. And another thing. Barton left me in his apartment a good 20 minutes ago. If he was going to kill you, he'd certainly have done it by now. The webs are naturally lazy. You took his gun a few days ago, Joyce. You called him and told him to meet you here, hoping I'd follow. Then you were going to make it look like he'd attempted to kill you.

[B]

Oh, Joyce. Darling.

[A]

Darling. I swear, diamond, that at the first opportunity, I'm going to start working out at a reputable gym, and eventually I shall engage you in physical combat.

[B]

No, no, he's right, Mr. Diamond. You're right.

[A]

Yes. And the motive? You were afraid he was going to take away the one thing you loved. Your child.

[B]

Martin. Why didn't you just come right out and tell him? Why did you admit to something that wasn't at all it?

[A]

So my motive will not be discussed? No. The little brain was feeling a twinge of conscience. Pretty noble, too. He was willing to take the rap for all the trouble he'd given you in the past, but, well, it was really nothing. He's still in love with you, Joyce.

[B]

What?

[A]

Yeah, and I think you two better sit down and talk it over. Believe me, you deserve each other. Oh, dear. Darling, you could get in a lot of trouble for this. But I'll straighten it out with a law.

[B]

Oh, Mr. Diamond, how can I ever thank you?

[A]

By George, you know, you're not such a bad fellow after all. Look, let's get something straight right now. I've been made a patsy and my feelings are hurt. I may not get over it until I get a big fat bonus in the mail no later than tomorrow. Muscular, witty. And to top it off, a businessman. Mr. Diamond, I think you have a future.

[B]

What's that you're playing, Rick?

[A]

Oh, it's a new song, dear.

[B]

What's it from?

[A]

Show that opened last week.

[B]

Oh, the one your client is in.

[A]

She does it in one of those real tight evening gowns. You know the type of.

[B]

And so do you.

[A]

Well, it's a pretty song.

[B]

Let me hear it.

[A]

Okay. Well, well, well. Look who's here. I haven't seen you in many a year. If I knew you were coming I'd have baked a cake. Baked a cake, Baked a cake. If I knew you were coming, I'd bake the cake. How'd you do? How'd you do? How'd you do? Had you dropped me a letter, I'd have hired a band. Grandest band in the land. Had you dropped me a letter I'd have hired a band. And spread the welcome mat for you. Now I don't know where you came from. Cause I don't know where you've been. But it really doesn't matter. Grab a chair and fill your platter and dig, dig, dig right in. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a cake. Hired a bang. Goodness sake. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked the cake. How'd you do? How'd you do? How'd you do? Now I don't know where you came from. Cause I don't know where you've been. But it really doesn't matter. Grab a chair and fill your platter. And dig ding, ding, Run in. If I knew, you'd have come and I'd have baked a cake Hired a bang. Goodness sake. If I knew you were coming, I'd have baked a kick. How you do, how you do How'd you do? Oh, how you do? How'd you do, how you do? Well, honey, how'd you like that?

[B]

Well, I don't know why she has to sing that in an evening gown.

[A]

Well, she doesn't have a very good voice, dear.

[B]

Rick, I can't sing at all.

[A]

Sweetheart, you could come on in a tent doing 12 courses of down in the Canebrake and the critics would lock Joyce Wallace in the zoo.

[B]

You really think so?

[A]

Let's go buy a tent.

[B]

Oh, Rick, don't be silly. I couldn't wear a tent.

[A]

Well, you could try. If it doesn't work, I know a camping spot in the Catskill.

[B]

Oh, Rick.

[A]

A thrifty diamond.

[B]

Yes, I know.

[A]

Never waste a good tent. You have just heard Richard Diamond, Private Detective, starring Dick Powell. Ed Begley played Lieutenant Walt Levinson. Also in the cast were Wilms, Herbert Francis Robinson, Clark Gordon, Joan Banks, Jack Crucian and Charles Seal. Music was under the direction of Frank Wirth. Today's show was written by Blake Edwards and directed by Russell Hughes. Dick Powell currently may be seen in the motion picture version of the best selling novel, Mrs. Mike. This is Eddie King inviting you to be with us next Sunday at this same time when we will again bring you Dick Powell as Richard diamond, private detective. What's on NBC today? Later today you'll hear Thornton Wilder's prize winning play, Our Town on Theater Guild. On the air. Today's Theater Guild production stars Elizabeth Taylor and Walter Houston. And for comedy, be sure to tune for the Phil Harris Alice Fay Show. Sunday on NBC is filled with entertainment, so keep tuned. Here next hear James Melton and Harvest of Stars on NBC. The National Broadcasting Company presents Dick Powell as Richard Diamond, Private detective. All right, Shamus, hand it over. Let's have it. Have what? I ain't got time to play games. This time you gotta believe me. This time I'm unhappy. So hand it over. You're not making it very easy. I'm gonna make it a lot tougher. How much tougher can things get? You'd be surprised. I've waited a long time for this. Well, I guess everything comes to he who waits. You won't have to wait anymore. You know something? I don't mind killing you at all. Here's another exciting half hour with Richard Diamond, Private Detective, starring Dick Powell, Diamond Detective Agency. Homicide made easy with us. It's the corpse that counts.

[B]

I just don't think I'll ever get used to it.

[A]

Hi, Helen.

[B]

Hi.

[A]

What are you doing right now? Nothing, but I've been considering a few push ups or something just to keep my heart going. I've been sitting behind this desk so long, my blood doesn't circulate anymore. It just lies around in puddles. Morning, Mr. Damon. No, hold it the second, honey. Morning, Phil.

[B]

Who's Phil?

[A]

The postman. Oh. Special delivery. Before I ever turn, receipt on it, stand right here. Sure. Okay. There you are, Phil. Okay. See you later, Mr. Dunn. Yeah.

[B]

Rick?

[A]

Yeah. Yes, dear.

[B]

Well, what is it?

[A]

Hmm?

[B]

What do the postman want?

[A]

I wanted to give me a letter.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

Special delivery from the city hall.

[B]

Must be important. What does it say?

[A]

Let's see. It says, Mr. Richard Diamond. Address, so on, so forth. Oh, yeah. Dear sir, you are hereby notified that under the laws of this state you can be ca. Oh, for Pete's sake.

[B]

Well, what's the matter?

[A]

Of all the rotten.

[B]

Oh, stop making noises and tell me what's wrong.

[A]

You know what the stupid letter is about?

[B]

I've been trying to find out.

[A]

I, honey, have got to report to the police commission and get examined.

[B]

Oh, Rick, have you caught something, dear?

[A]

In this state, the commission can call in any private detective and give him a test to find out whether or not he can still qualify to keep on operating.

[B]

You mean they give you a test like in school?

[A]

You're darn right. Oh. Oh, and it says here I've got to appear today.

[B]

What if you don't?

[A]

Well, I lose the bond I had to post when I took out my license.

[B]

No, Rick, you better get right down there.

[A]

Oh, oh, and here's something else that's real cute. Guess where I have to take the test.

[B]

Waltz Precinct. Has to be.

[A]

Yeah. Aren't they the little devils? Report to Lieutenant Walter Levinson, Fifth Precinct Homicide.

[B]

What time, Rick?

[A]

Time? 10 minutes ago.

[B]

Oh. Bye, Rick.

[A]

It was 10 after 11 when I hung up on Helen. It was 12 after when I hit the street. The Fifth Precinct was a good 10 blocks away, and I was bounding into the squadron by 11:18. Needless to say, it put a horrible strain on several unused ligaments. Four or five boys in my charming profession were there ahead of me. Well, boys, it looks like the commission's serious this time. When they start dragging in their pets, namely one Richard diamond, you can bet their heads are gonna start rolling. Well, if the heads do start rolling, Romero you got a spare? Hey, Shammas, you're late. Well, Sergeant Otis, you need a shave or you've been sleeping with your head on a porcupine. I ain't got no time for your crummy jokes, Diamond. Take a seat and wait your turn. Thank you, Otis. By the by, you're the last on.

[B]

The list that figured.

[A]

Yeah. Take a seat, Diamond. Last on the list. Looks like you don't swing as much weight as you thought you did. At least now I can understand the reason for this examination. Oh, you can, eh? Sure. Guys like you, Romero, would make it necessary to clean up any organization. I take it you don't think I'm a credit to the profession. Diamond, take it any way you like, but stick with the first guess. Oh, what's the matter, Rick? Maybe I'm taking some of your business away, huh? Look, Romero, the kind of business you handle would keep me buying too much disinfectant. And as long as you're asking what's wrong, I'll tell you two things. Yeah? You're a lousy detective and you'd burn your grandmother if there was enough money in it. Okay, watch the second beef, Ricky. You just said it. You want to talk to me? It's Mr. Diamond. You slip again, I'll put your jaw in a position so you won't forget. Is that right? Oh, get out of my way, Romero. Oh, sure, sure, Mr. Diamond. Hey, Rick, can I see a minute? Yeah, by all means. See your friends and have a good talk about me. What is it, Alan? I just thought you might be more comfortable over here. I would have called you sooner. I was kind of hoping you might lay one on Romero. I'd love to bust his face up. There's just no excuse for him. Okay, so we all got our bonds to worry about. Relax. You got a long wait. Okay, diamond, it's your turn now. Not really. Go on in. Sorry you had to wait so long. Thank you, Sergeant Otis. You're very kind. If I'd waited any longer, I'd have been numb. And don't ask me where. Now, Come in, Rag. Bring your slate pencil? Yeah. Sit down, Mr. Diamond, in a nice soft chair. Oh, I'm afraid I couldn't do that, Lieutenant. I've gotten so used to that bench outside. Sort of grown to fit it, you might say. Oh, now, Rick, I'm sorry, but there was nothing I could do about it. Mr. Diamond. Lieutenant. Huh? Oh, yeah. I hear you've been giving that to a lot of people lately. Otis tells me you and Pat Romero had some Kind of discussion along those lines. Why doesn't the government stick Otis out on the beach somewhere and use him for radar? Let him look for flying saucers. Rick, there's no sense in acting like a child. The name is Diamond. Since when? Since two hours of solid sitting, Lieutenant. Okay, Mr. Diamond. Unfortunately, the commission set this thing up. Mr. Diamond. I had nothing to do with it, Mr. Diamond. As for your waiting. There's enough hard feelings about your relations with this department. If I put you at the head of the list, Mr. Diamond. Oh, shut up. Lieutenant. Lieutenant. Mr. Diamond. Mr. Diamond. That's better. It certainly is. Here's the first half of the examination paper. You'll get the second half later. Write the answers to these questions. How long have I got? Take your time. Still mad? Yeah. How so? For the next 30 minutes, I wrote. I wrote and Walt stewed. It was something I could always count on with Walt. And being my best friend, he never had been able to get used to it. I looked up and caught him a couple of times looking out of the corner of his eye to make sure I was getting them right. Don't misunderstand. Walt would never give me the answers. He'd just cough or blow his nose or something to show me I wasn't on the right track. Oh. Oh, there you are, Lieutenant. Thank you, Mr. Diamond. Am I finished? You most certainly are not. Like the others before you, Mr. Diamond, you will have to solve to my complete satisfaction a hypothetical case of homicide and then come back here and fill in the second half of the examination. Oh, for Pete's sake, Walt, I did that in police school. It's. Oh, for Pete's sake, Lieutenant. Oh, all right. One moment, Mr. Diamond. I'll get the man who's going to give you the test. Otis. Yaddle. 10. Oh, no. Would you mind coming in here and taking Mr. Diamond down to the basement? He's ready for the test, huh? Yes, Sergeant, he's ready. Now, there's a dummy in that room there, Diamond. You sure leave yourself wide open, Otis. Thanks. Now, the dummy, or in this case, the victim, has been murdered. You will go in and try to solve the murder to the best of your ability. If you are intelligent and observing, you will locate the necessary clues which have been placed about the room. Gone in. How long have I got, Sergeant? 30 minutes. Start now. Go ahead in. Otis. Otis. Oh, now, come on, Shammas. You ain't gonna tell me you solved it already? No, Otis, I ain't. But there's something I think you should know. Yeah? What? There are two victims in this room. And I hate to be the one to tell you, but I'm afraid one of them isn't really a dummy. What do you mean? One of them is a body and it's very dead. Get the lieutenant. Well, there you are, Walt. Pat Romero shot through the head. Oh, no, no, no. Shut the door, Otis, and lock her. Stand in front of it. Don't let anybody in. How did this happen? How did Ramiro get shot in my department? Oh, what'll a commissioner say? You shut up, Walt. Relax, will you? Take it easy. Oh, sure, sure, Relax, take it easy. When the commissioner hears about this, I'll have a lot of time to relax on a beat in Flat Bush. Look, Wall and the newspapers. What's gonna happen when they get wind of this? Listen, Wall. Private detective shot in lab room of fifth Precinct Homicide. Relax, take it easy. Sure, sure. Well, at least shut up long enough to hear what I've got to say. Rick, what am I gonna do? Well, now listen to me. If we can solve this thing before anyone gets wind of it, maybe it won't be so bad. You're right, maybe it won't. We'll keep this room closed up as long as possible. Otis, if you let anyone in here, I'll personally see that you never. Where are you going, Diamond? I'm going to Romero's office. I'll call you from there. Make a check on his body and have all the dope ready for me. Oh, don't you worry about the dope, Rick. I've got more dope in this department than any other in the whole world. I've got the biggest. Otis. Yeah, Lieutenant. Walt chased Otis up the wall and I headed for Pat Romero's office. Everything was happening so fast, I didn't take time to think much past the fact that the private detective profession had taken a step in the right direction when someone retired Romero. But Walt was in a spot and someone had broken the law, so it looked like it was up to me to try and tie things together. I got to Romero's building, went up to the 8th floor floor, tripped over a couple of rats having a nervous breakdown because he couldn't find their way out. Found his office, opened the door and started feeling sorry for myself right away. I never saw him. All I remember is something black and shiny in front of my face just as I hit the floor. When I tried to take a better look, the bright shiny something kissed me right in the mouth and I went to sleep though hard way. When I finally came around, it was like trying to Tiptoe through an acre of beach balls. I stumbled a couple of times, spit out a little blood. Very little. Because the way I felt, there couldn't have been too much left. When I finally got around to a normal way of thinking, I perceived two things. It was still daytime and the office of one Mr. Petro Mero, deceased, was a wreck. Fifth Precinct Homicide. Well, who is this first? Oh, now, come on. This is Diamond. Well, I thought so, but I'm not going to admit anything for a while. Even my name. Anyone find out about. Shh. No. What did you find out? I walked into his office and got my brain scattered. By whom? By whom? I don't know. I wish I did. I have a very sore head. Well, Romero was shot, all right, but we can't find the bullet. It's not a very big room we'll find. But in the meantime, here's something else. Romero had $10,000 in cash on him. New bills. Go ahead. That's all we've come up with so far. We'll have more to go on when we find that bullet. Maybe it's still in him. Went clean through. Messed up his pretty patent leather haircut. What? What do you mean, what? I said, the bullet. Oh, never mind. Never mind. Walt, bless your little pointed head. You just gave me an idea. About what? About the guy who worked me over a little while ago. Okay. Anything else? Yeah. Hurry up and find that missing bullet. Walt had said something about patent leather when he referred to Romero's greasy hairdo. That was all I needed. It opened a door someplace and there, sitting with its legs crossed was the biggest hunch I have ever seen. And it was wearing patent leather shoes. The only guy I could think of who would know a man like Romero and still wear patent leather shoes in the afternoon was a local gambler with a reputation as a fashion plate. Monocle, striped trousers and always the patent leather shoes. In fact, that's where he got his nickname, the Patent Leather Kid. This was a small clue, and I knew it. But one thing was in my favor. Anyone who would tear up Romero's office and kick me in the face had to be a bad little boy. And the patent Leather Kid was tight casting. The kid's real name was Amos Fletcher and he ran a small club over on 14th Street. Oh, I'm sorry, my friend, but. Well, hello, Fletcher. I was going to say, I'm sorry, my friend, but the place isn't open until 6. I got a few questions. Come back at 6. Fletcher, I'm a little unhappy right about now. You answer the questions like a good boy or I'll kick you all over the place. You mind if I call a few of my boys to watch? If you like. Tell them I got a.38 under my arm that goes off when I get excited. Got a few questions. Come back at 6. Fletcher, I'm a little unhappy right about now. You answer the questions like a good boy or I'll kick you all over the place. You mind if I call a few of my boys to watch? If you like. Tell them I got a.38 under my arm that goes off and I get excited. Tell them I sort of lose my head when I get kicked in the mouth and don't get the answers I want. I think you better believe me. So you got kicked in the mouth? Yeah, by a pair of patent leather shoes just like yours. I had nothing to do with it. You know a guy named Romero? Romero? No, I don't know a guy by that name. Where were you an hour ago? Right here. I have a couple of friends to prove it. We were playing cards. Canasta. Okay, okay. I'm glad you're satisfied, Mr. Diamond. Who said I was satisfied? No, not a bit. Well, what about this Romero? He got himself shot badly. As bad as you can get shot. Well, Shammas, that's a chance you boys take. Maybe Romero would have lived longer in another racket. Think about it, Shammas. I'll think about it, Fletcher. I'll think about it a long time. Good. Let me know what you decide. You'll hear about it. Homicide, fifth Precinct. Walt, check and find out where Amos Fletcher does his banking. See if he's made any big withdrawals lately. Patent leather kid. What's he got to do with it? Just check, okay? Okay. What about the bullet? Have you found that yet? No. Oh, swell. Did you find anything else? A bunch of stuff in Romero's wallet. What? Oh, driver's license, Social Security numbers, some business cards. Card from a real estate office that might be important. Why should it be? Notation on the back says, Call Ms. Crockett about new lease date. After that, yesterday. New lease? Romero has an office. Wonder what this new lease is. Why don't you check Crockett Real Estate, Lexington Avenue. Bye. I'll revol. What?

[B]

Something I could. Well, well, well.

[A]

Afternoon.

[B]

Ain't as though dull as can be before you rolled them gorgeous shoulders through that door. Sit down, sonny. Relax. Have yourself a drink.

[A]

No, thanks. A little early in the day for me.

[B]

A little earlier. Well, you'll excuse me, won't you, sonny? If it gets Any later, my stomach's liable to rest. Get it?

[A]

Yeah, all over me.

[B]

What's your name, Sonny? Gotta know, you know, if I'm going to sell you some real estate, play football in school. So figures. Figures. Oh, look at them shoulders.

[A]

Look, sweetheart.

[B]

Huh?

[A]

What did you say? I said look, sweetheart. Oh, why?

[B]

No sense in raising all these goosebumps for nothing, sweetheart, huh? Well, what can I do for you, Sunny? You want Madison Avenue at 50 cents up front foot.

[A]

Hey, that's pretty good.

[B]

Sure you won't have a drink, Sonny?

[A]

No, thanks. I'd just like to ask you one question.

[B]

Go. Go right ahead, Sonny. You know, I may not look it, but I'm considered one of the best real estate agents in this state.

[A]

Do you know a man named Romero? Sure, I know him. Did you just rent him some offices?

[B]

Yep, signed the lease yesterday. A whole new sort of office is.

[A]

Over on 46,000 Street. 46th Street. We're on 46th.

[B]

Oh, right. Say, are you a cop?

[A]

What makes you think that?

[B]

Oh, I don't know. Mayor's offices are right across from the police station.

[A]

The fifth Precinct.

[B]

Sonny, you bother me. You're too nervous. Now, why don't you just sit down and get comfortable and we'll chat.

[A]

What building are the offices in?

[B]

Carson building on the fourth floor. But why don't you just take it easy, Sonny?

[A]

Thanks, sweetheart.

[B]

Oh, you devil, you.

[A]

Now, look, Rick, we know Romero was shot in this room while he was either sitting or kneeling because a bullet entered his head at the high angle. Yeah, I think he was shot with a rifle, Walt. A rifle? Yeah, from across the street. Romero rented some new offices in the Carson building, directly opposite this building. I just saw them. Somebody tore in those apart, too. Well, I checked on Amos Fletcher. Does his banking at the National. Made a withdrawal this morning. 10,000 bucks in New bills. Who is it? Come on in. As a Shammas. How did it, Lieutenant? Well, come here. Yeah. Now look. Fourth floor, Carson building, right over there. See the open window? Yeah. Now, if someone in one of those offices fired a rifle and there's no bullet hole in the lower portion of the window in this room, that means it went through the open part. So Romero would have to be standing all, let's say about. Oh, about right here. That would make the slug somewhere out in the hall. Right. But it would have to pass through the door. There's no hole in the door. Hey, the door was open when me and the Shamas came down here. That's right, Walt. Let's see if we can find that Bullet. What was Romero doing down here? Oh, he was just finishing this part of the test when I went up to get Diamond. Hey, Walt. Walt. Huh? I think I got the bullet. Yeah. Under the rug? Yeah. You'll have to pry it out. It's in the floor pretty deep. Okay. Who did it? Go after Amos Fletier? That's right. What's your proof? Not much. It's all a guess. You know what kind of a guy Romero was The worst. Well, let's see. Romero had 10,000 in his pocket. Fletcher took out 10,000 this morning. Sounds like blackmail. Could be. Somebody was tearing Romero's old office apart looking for something, when I broke in on him and got a patent leather shoe in the face for my trouble. That isn't very much to go on. How about this? I asked Fletcher if he knew Romero. He said no. But as I left, he mentioned that Romero probably got killed because, like myself, he was in the wrong racket. How did he know that? Still not enough to convict him. Would a confession do it, Grouchy? You know darn good and well a confession is the only thing that would do it. That or find the murder weapon and prove it belongs to Fletcher. No. You're so technical. Okay, I'm. I'm going back to the office. Give me about 10 minutes and have Otis call Fletcher. Huh? Have Otis call Fletcher. Oh, not his sergeant. Otis. Just. Just have him call and give Fletcher. Fletcher. Oh, a friendly tip. From the way those two officers were torn up, it's my guess that Fletcher hasn't found what he's looking for yet. Just tell him I found it. Found what? Found anything. You don't have to be specific. Who said I was gonna be. Gonna be what, you, mallet head? Specific? You don't even know what it means. It means precisely formulated or restricted. Huh? Oh, here. I got the bullet out of the floor, Lieutenant. Bye, Walt. I left the precinct and headed back for Broadway. In my office on the corner of 53rd, I knew that Amos Fletcher, the patent leather kid, was the boy we wanted. But whether or not he'd fall for the gag was a matter of luck. Luck is a big part of my business. So I went to my office and sat down behind my desk to wait in case Amos Fletcher showed up. I wanted to be sure to be able to hold up my end of the conversation. So I took out my.38 and put it across my knees. Diamond Detective Agency. If you've slaughtered a dozen, no difference to me one or 50. It's the same old fee. What kind of a Remark? Is that, Shammas? What kind of remark did it sound like, Sergeant? I ain't got time to answer that. I called Fletcher. Good. What did you tell him? Well, I was pretty good, as a matter of fact. I disguised my voice like this. And I says, amos, Fletcher. And he says, yeah? So I says, just a little tip I thought you might want to know about. Richard diamond has got that which you has been looking for. He found it in Romero's new offices. How was that, Shammas? Brilliant. Change of voice. You think it'll work? Put down the phone. You hear me, Shammas? You think it'll work? Hang it up. Hey, Diamond. Oh, that's better. All right, Shamus, let's have it. Have what? I haven't got time to play games. This time you've got to believe me. This time I'm unhappy. So hand it over. You're making it pretty tough, Fletcher. I'm going to make it a lot tougher. Oh, now, isn't that a pretty big gun to be carrying around? It's a little big, sure, but it does everything I want it to. Mm. A German Schmeisser, isn't it? That's right. Put a stock on it and you could shoot it like a rifle. I'm going to count three, and then I'm just going to shoot it. Now, why don't you be smart and give me the stuff? Let it ring. It might be a paying client. It might let it ring. You shot Pat Romero from his new offices across the street from the Fifth Precinct, didn't you, Fletcher? Is that what you say? Yeah. What was he doing, blackmailing you? You gave him $10,000 sometime today. You know, you're talking yourself right into a long box. Why did you shoot him in a police station? I paid him the 10,000 and he handed me the stuff. And I thought it was a McCoy. I went back to my office and started checking through the stuff. That phone's gonna bother me there. You checked the stuff back in your office and you found out it was phony. You got worried, went back to Romero's offices. He wasn't there. He was across the street in the Fifth Precinct. You spotted him through the window and shot him. That's right, Thomas. I saw him talking to a cop and figured he might be spilling his guts. I waited until a cop left, and I nailed him. Now give me the stuff. You'll have to believe me, Fletcher. I haven't got it. Don't give me that. I got a tip. Sure you did. That was Sergeant Otis from Homicide. You're crazy. Am I? He said, just a little tip I thought maybe you might want to know about. Richard diamond has got that which you has been looking for. What did Romero have on you? Some records. You know something, Diamond? I don't mind killing you at all. Stop it. Let your. God. Walt. Fletcher. Fletcher. How? Easy, Walt. Pretty bad. I didn't know you had a gun, Rick. Neither did Fletcher. Diamond. Yeah. Phone for a doctor. Hurry. I'll do it, Rick. Hey, who tore this phone out of the wall? Fletcher. Got tired of hearing it. R.

[B]

What's that you're playing, Rick?

[A]

Oh, it's an old thing.

[B]

Oh, yes.

[A]

Hello, Helen. This is Walt.

[B]

Yes, Walt. He's right here.

[A]

Thanks, Dan. Hello, Walt. Rick. We found the stuff Romero was blackmailing Fletcher with in a safety deposit box. Bunch of books that exposed one of Fletcher's old rackets. Enough to send him away for life. Well, bully for you. Oh, and something else. You better get down here right away. What for? You didn't finish your test. You don't want to flunk it, do you? What? You got the first part. All right, the hypothetical part. I can cover for you. But you didn't do anything on the last part of the written examination. Now you listen to me, fatty, Fatty. The fattest. I've chased my head off solving a case and getting your big feet, big feet, big feet out of trouble. I've gotten shot at, insulted, kicked in the face. I don't want to hear any more of your lame brained excuses. You just fix it up for me and I'm going to go in and drop a few subtle hints to the commissioner about his nasty old lieutenant. You wouldn't. Oh, but I would. What did you say? What am I going to do? What am I going to do? Take the test for me. Fill out the answers yourself. Cheat. Cheat, cheat. Oh, that's what you always say.

[B]

Now, what were we talking about?

[A]

Oh, honey, you were asking me about this little old song.

[B]

Pretty. What is it?

[A]

Oh, well, give a listen. Oh, how I miss you tonight Miss you when lights hallow oh, how I need you tonight More than you'll ever know each moment though we're apart you never out of my heart But I'd rather be lonely and wait for you only oh, pal, how I miss you tonight. Okay.

[B]

How. It's very pretty. Shall I?

[A]

Might as well.

[B]

Yes?

[A]

May I please speak to Mr. Diamond?

[B]

Oh, my goodness, Rick.

[A]

What? Yes, but.

[B]

Look out.

[A]

Oh. Oh, all right. Hello. You passed, Mr. Diamond. 99 out of 100. 99 out of 100. Which one did I miss the last one? I knew you wouldn't care, so I let Otis fill it in for you. No. Yes? The commissioner wants to see you tomorrow morning. Why? What was the question? To what department does the cleanup squad belong? Well, what did Otis write for an answer? The Department of sanitation tomorrow at 11. Rick, I revoy you have just heard Richard diamond, private detective, starring Dick Powell. Ed Begley played Lieutenant Walt Levinson. Also in the cast were Wills, Herbert Francis Robinson, Don Diamond, Anne Morrison and Paul Dubov. Music was under the direction of Frank Worth. Today's show was written by Blake Edwards and directed by Russell Hughes. Dick Powell currently may be seen in the motion picture version of the best selling novel, Mrs. Mike. This is Eddie King inviting you to be with us next season Sunday at this same time, when we will again bring you Dick Powell as Richard diamond, private detective. Marketing is hard, but I'll tell you a little secret. It doesn't have to be. Let me point something out. You're listening to a podcast right now and it's great. You love the host. You seek it out and download it. You listen to it while driving, working out, cooking, even going to the bathroom. Podcasts are a pretty close companion. And this is a podcast ad. Did I get your attention? You can reach great listeners like yourself with podcast advertising from Libsyn Ads. Choose from hundreds of top podcasts offering host endorsements or run a pre produced ad like this one across thousands of shows. To reach your target audience in their favorite podcasts with Libsyn ads, go to Libsynads.com that's L I B S Y N ads.com today. Hi, I'm Chris Gethard and I'm very excited to tell you about Beautiful Anonymous, a podcast where I talk to random people on the phone. I tweet out a phone number. Thousands of people try to call, talk to one of them. They stay anonymous. I can't hang up. That's all the rules. I never know what's going to happen. We get serious ones. I've talked with meth dealers on their way to prison. I've talked to people who survived mass shootings. Crazy funny ones. I talked to a guy with a goose laugh, somebody who dresses up as a pirate on the weekends. I never know what's going to happen. It's a great show. Subscribe today. Beautiful Anonymous.