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Nero Wolfe
was going to be a parent, I immediately felt a lot of anxiety and worry.
Archie Goodwin
So I went on to BetterHelp to
Nero Wolfe
try to look for a therapist to
Archie Goodwin
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NBC Radio Announcer
Stay tuned for Nero Wolf. If the chimes shudder a little on Sunday afternoon, well, they know there's mystery in store Sunday with men of action like Mike Waring, better known as the Falcon, who brings his fearless and romantic touch to the solution of another mystery. After the Falcon, it's high adventure. Then the big guy steps in. The new private eye, Charlie Wild concludes with a few casual homicides. The chimes mean mystery in action this Sunday afternoon on NBC. Transcribe.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
My boss is the smartest and the stubbornest, the fattest and the laziest, the cleverest and the craziest, the most extravagant detective in the world, Nero Wolf.
Radio Show Narrator
It's the adventure of stamped for murder with that brilliant eccentric private detective, orchid fancier and gargantuan gourmet, Nero Wolf, starring Sidney Greenstreet.
Nero Wolfe
Instructions for this morning. Archie, your Notebook, please. First, Mr. Salinsback, inform him that the Long island peafowl he sent were most unsatisfactory. Peafowl's breast flesh is not sweet and tender unless it is well protected from all alarms, especially from the air to prevent nervousness. Long island is full of airplanes. Look, Mr. Wolf, I shall want a dozen chickens that have been raised on blueberries and a fresh killed lamb for tomorrow.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Mr. Wolf, please listen.
Nero Wolfe
There's Mr. Goodwin, be quiet. And then dinner on the following day becomes a problem.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Mr. Wolf, dinner any day is going to be a problem if we don't pay south.
Nero Wolfe
And pay it with what?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
The bank account's empty.
Nero Wolfe
Ridiculous. They were $4,000 yesterday.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
But you bought that shipment of Orchid bulbs from wine. Old Gluckner. Mr. Wolf, we need money. You've got to stop eating and drinking beer long enough to earn some.
Nero Wolfe
Sh. You're an alarmist.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Will you for the love of heaven, stop turning down clients and turn an honest dollar? I've got a couple of prospects right outside the door.
Nero Wolfe
Send them away.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
No, sir.
Nero Wolfe
Send them away. Tell them I've gone to Egypt.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Nothing doing, sir.
Nero Wolfe
Confound you, Archie. Obey orders. Send them away.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Ms. Kent, Mr. Rodman. Come in, please.
Gloria Kent
Thank you.
Nero Wolfe
Confound you, Archie, you're mutinous.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Yes, sir. And you're stuck with it. This is Ms. Gloria Kent and Mr. Rodman. They arrived as advertised, with a pressing problem.
Nero Wolfe
Good morning. You people are here by sufferance only. I shall speak to Mr. Goodman about it later. Yes, indeed. I don't like pressing problems, Ms. Kent. What are your.
Gloria Kent
My father.
Nero Wolfe
Indeed. I'm not a court of domestic relations, Ms. Kent. What did your father do, beat you? Withhold your earnings? Discourage your suitors? Mr. Goodwin should have informed you this office does not undertake cases involving marital or family problems.
Gloria Kent
But that's not.
Nero Wolfe
If Mr. Goodwin had not been beguiled by your pretty face, he might have warned you and avoided this embarrassment to you and annoyance to me.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Now, now, now, now, take it easy. Take it easy. How many times have I told you, you don't know how to handle women.
Nero Wolfe
Then suppose you let Ms. Kent handle me.
Gloria Kent
Well, it's simply this, Mr. Wolf. I had some money my mother left me. My father's just spent it without my permission. I wanted back without a scandal.
Nero Wolfe
Thanks, Ms. Kent. How much? How spent?
Gloria Kent
$10,000. Father bought a treasure map.
Nero Wolfe
Indeed. From whom?
Gloria Kent
A pair of swindlers named Cross and Halleck. They've driven him crazy talking about fortune salvaged from the SS this and the SS that.
Document Research Lab Employee
He.
Gloria Kent
He's got a map and old letters he studies. He's childish.
Nero Wolfe
Many fortunes have been recovered. Many more await on the sea bottom. How do you know your father has been duped?
Gloria Kent
Well, I know.
Nero Wolfe
You do, Mr. Rodman?
Archie Goodwin
Yes.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Cross and Halleck bought some old letters
Nero Wolfe
for me written by my grandfather from Hawaii. They used them to manufacture the map
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
and evidence, and that's what they sold to Kent.
Gloria Kent
Father thought he was being so clever, he had the paper analyzed. Of course. The document research laboratory said the letters were genuine. They were, but something new had been added. I'd have never known if Mr. Rodman hadn't told me.
Nero Wolfe
You're a party to the swindle, Mr. Rodman. I was not. I Never knew what they were up to.
Gloria Kent
Mr. Wolf, you've got to help me. I can't do anything with Father. I can't convince him. Even Mr. Rodman can't.
Nero Wolfe
No, Ms. Kent, I'm sorry. This is not for me.
Gloria Kent
You must. You must.
Nero Wolfe
Not in my office, madam. No tears, please. Please. Archie, stop her.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Okay, okay, okay.
Nero Wolfe
Archie. When Ms. Kent has finished her disgraceful exhibition, chew them out.
Gloria Kent
How dear. Walk out on a.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Easy, easy, easy. I know him. I know him. You don't. He gets into a panic when women cry or else he's curious about what Fritz is cooking for lunch. Now, just wait a minute, please. Oh, aren't you ashamed of yourself? Walking out like that on that poor
Nero Wolfe
kid, that hysterical gamma.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
She's lost all of her money. She needs help.
Nero Wolfe
I charge high fees, Archie.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
So charge a small fee. Do you want her to starve?
Nero Wolfe
Good heavens, starve? How monstrous.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I'm not kidding. While you'll be in here smelling your dinner, she and her father will be starving.
Nero Wolfe
I thought you were bringing me a paying claim.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, this is different.
Nero Wolfe
She's beautiful. Archie, you're impossible. Oh, very well. Go back into them. Get names, addresses, facts. I am not committed to Ms. Kent's case.
Inspector Kramer
But we'll see. Be a tribute.
Nero Wolfe
I pay for your weakness for a pretty face.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Rodman and Gloria Kent were gone, however, so all I had were the few facts they'd given me before they met Wolf. I felt guilty about that. When he came back into the office and sat down in his specially built chair, he closed his eyes and I glared at him. Well, how much of you is awake, Mr. Wolf? Well, they disappeared. Did you tell me you were going to help this girl just to get her out of the office? Or did you mean it?
Nero Wolfe
You're a gadfly.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
No, sir. No, sir. You made a promise and you're stuck with it.
Nero Wolfe
What did you get from Rodman?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Name, address, occupation?
Nero Wolfe
He's a librarian, that's all very careless, Archie. You missed a significant point.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Such as?
Nero Wolfe
How did Rodman discover the letters he sold were being altered by forgery and used for swindle? How did he locate the Duke, Mr. Kent?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I guess you're right. I'll ask him next time. But what about now? Are you going to get Gloria's money back?
Nero Wolfe
I assume you call Ms. Kent glorious. Only in order to annoy me. It does.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Stop it.
Nero Wolfe
Get Cross and Halleck. On my way. You'll find him at the Hotel Bogart.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Wrong, sir. According to my notes, their address is.
Nero Wolfe
Never mind their address. The hotel Bogard is the headquarters for successful confidence tricksters. They celebrate their victories there while the money lasts. You will possibly find Cross and Hallock drinking whiskey or lunching? Probably both.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I located Cross and Halleck in the hotel bar and lured them back to our place on 35th Street. Wolf was sitting behind his desk with his hands crossed on his impressive middle, at peace with his lunch and the world. When I ushered them in, he sat bolt upright and scorched me with a look. Good afternoon, Mr. Wolf. The tall one's name is Cross. The short one is Halleck. They want to help me invest my money. Gentlemen, Mr. Nero Wolf.
Nero Wolfe
What?
Radio Show Narrator
Who?
Nero Wolfe
Hero Wolf.
Radio Show Narrator
Hey, what is this?
Nero Wolfe
None found you out here. How drunk are they?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Not too drunk for business.
Archie Goodwin
Let's talk.
Nero Wolfe
Get out of here. Come on.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Wait a minute. You want me to keep him here, Mr. Wolf?
Nero Wolfe
Not by violence. Archie. Come back here. Gentlemen. Unless you want seven years in the state penitentiary.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Unless what?
Inspector Kramer
You got nothing on us, Wolf.
Nero Wolfe
Nothing. I have the Kent case.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
The Kent?
Archie Goodwin
That's a laugh.
Inspector Kramer
We're sitting pretty.
Nero Wolfe
Sittin pretty you are not, sir. You imagine you possess legal immunity. Mr. Kent believe you a grotesque balderdash and will not sue for fraud. Ms. Kent cannot sue because she is reluctant to accuse her father of wrongfully obtaining her money. Ergo, you think you are invulnerable. Now, listen. But you forget me. I'm a detective with a fee to earn.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
A big fee.
Nero Wolfe
Quiet, Archie. I am determined to get that fee. Therefore, as Ms. Kent's agent, I can and will bring action against you. I'm indifferent to her tears or her father's disgrace. I'm indifferent to anything outside of money. You will return the $10,000 to me at once, sir, or you'll be in jail by morning. You mean that? I do, Mr. Cross.
Inspector Kramer
Alex, come here.
Nero Wolfe
Come on, honey. Okay. Here.
Inspector Kramer
Mr. Wolf, Alec and I have decided we don't want to get in any trouble with you.
Nero Wolfe
Here's your 10 grand.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Let's have it.
Inspector Kramer
Give the dough to Camp Mr. Wolf and get the letters and map back for us. You got a reputation for being tricky. But honest. We trust you. Come on, Alec, let's go.
Nero Wolfe
Well, how about that? Preposterous. No, sir. Take a look.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
$10,000. Genuine coin of the realm.
Nero Wolfe
That man crosses a fool. Does he imagine I'm to be fooled so easily?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
What do you mean? He left the money?
Nero Wolfe
He surrendered too quickly, Archie. Too easily. And that money in the envelope he was carrying? All ready to refund. Why?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, maybe he's got a better Sucker. I heard him mention a Ben Sanford.
Nero Wolfe
Nonsense. Does he need Kent's forged letters and map to cheat this Ben Sanford? Couldn't he repair another set?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I guess you're right. Something's fishy.
Nero Wolfe
In any event, it's no concern of mine. Thank heaven.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Why not?
Nero Wolfe
I'm not committed to Ms. Kent in any way. As a favor to you, I undertook to regain her money. I have done that. You may take it back to her and obtain the forged papers in return. But. Silence, Mr. Goodwin. Go to your redhead charmer. Leave me in peace. I intend to spend this afternoon with my new World atlas.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I left him 3,000 miles up the Amazon with his magnifying glass and drove up to East 69th Street. The Kent house was a broken down little brownstone. And as I went up the stoop, the door opened and Gloria Kent burst out like a skyrocket. Hey, Ms. Kent.
Gloria Kent
Easy, easy for me. Let go.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
What's wrong? What's wrong?
Gloria Kent
Wrong, wrong. Nothing is wrong. Nothing at all.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, how about seeing your father?
Gloria Kent
You want to see my father? Come inside for the love of heaven. Come inside. Mr. Good, I'll introduce you. He's in a back room. Come right through the living room.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
What else came through this living room? A hurricane?
Gloria Kent
No, Mr. Goodwin, something else. There's my father. Mr. Goodwin.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
What in the de.
Archie Goodwin
He's dead.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
His throat's cut.
Gloria Kent
Father, this is Archie Goodwin from Nero Wolf's office. He and his boss refused to help while they could. Maybe he can help you now.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Stop it.
Gloria Kent
All I'm good for now is revenge, that's all. Stop it.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Stop it and look at me. When did it happen?
Gloria Kent
I don't know.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
When did you find him?
Gloria Kent
Just now.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Keep looking at me. Who went through this house like a hurricane?
Nero Wolfe
You? No.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Where did you go after you left the office?
Gloria Kent
To the laboratory.
Archie Goodwin
What lab?
Gloria Kent
Document the search. The place that checked the map.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
How long were you there?
Gloria Kent
Until an hour ago. I was with Mr. Rodman.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Keep looking at me. And then I had lunch with Robin
Gloria Kent
alone and then I came home.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
All right, all right. Now listen to me. I want you to go to Mr. Wolf's house right now. Have you got cab fare?
Gloria Kent
Yes.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
All right, take a cab. I've got to stay here, But I'll call Mr. Wolf and tell him you're on the way. Now get. I called Wolf, told him everything and he instructed me to advise Inspector Kramer who arrived with the homicide squad. I gave the inspector everything while the squad photographed and measured, print dusted and detective, at 3:30, Kramer took me back to the house on 35th street for a fight with Wolf.
Inspector Kramer
It's a great story, Wolf.
Archie Goodwin
Great.
Inspector Kramer
Kent buys a phony treasure map. Everybody knows it's phony except Kent. But Cross and Halleck try to buy it back and Kent gets himself murdered.
Nero Wolfe
Did you find the map and letters in the house, Inspector?
Inspector Kramer
No. No, I didn't.
Nero Wolfe
Kill. It was after the map.
Inspector Kramer
A phony map?
Nero Wolfe
Certainly. Why? Well, if we knew that, we would know why Cross and Halleck so willingly paid back the money. And why Kent was murdered.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Maybe it's not phony.
Inspector Kramer
I'd better see the girl now.
Nero Wolfe
Oh, you fancy her for the murder?
Inspector Kramer
Well, I'll know after I ask a few questions tonight.
Nero Wolfe
She's had a shock, Mr. Kramer. She needs rest.
Inspector Kramer
Look, Wolf, I want her.
Nero Wolfe
Why bother with her when there's so much to be done?
Inspector Kramer
Such as?
Nero Wolfe
Cross and Alec? Find them. And the mystery man they spoke of? Ben Sanford. These are the men you want now, not this poor overwrought girl.
Archie Goodwin
Yeah, all right.
Inspector Kramer
The girl will be here for questioning tonight though, huh?
Nero Wolfe
Tonight, Mr. Kramer?
Inspector Kramer
Okay, you'll hear from me later on.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, you buffaloed him out of that. Okay. Say, why don't you want her questioned? Is she guilty?
Nero Wolfe
I don't know.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, what did she say when she got here?
Nero Wolfe
He said nothing. She never arrived.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
She never what?
Nero Wolfe
He never arrived.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, then why did you tell Kramer she was resting?
Archie Goodwin
Would he have believed the truth?
Nero Wolfe
She must be found. More important, we must learn why forge letters and forge Mapper produces turmoil.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Find the killer and you find the map. You said so.
Nero Wolfe
I said the reverse, which is an altogether different statement. Archie, I want a photograph of that map. Get it.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Oh, sure, sure. Any particular camera you want me to use?
Nero Wolfe
You'll find a photograph at 200 Vanderbilt Street.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Are you kidding?
Nero Wolfe
The lab cannot check the authenticity of old papers without photographing them in ultraviolet light, infrared light and so on. If this Document Research Lab has examined those papers, they will have photographs. Get them.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
He got out of his chair and waddled back to the house elevator. It was 4 o' clock and time for his regular afternoon session with the orchids. I drove down to the Document Research Laboratory on Vanderbilt and got such a shock that I grabbed the office phone and dialed Wolf at.
Nero Wolfe
This is Nero Wolf.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Mr. Wolf. Archie here.
Nero Wolfe
What's the matter? You lost?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
No, sir.
Inspector Kramer
No, sir.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
But I found something.
Nero Wolfe
Photographs?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
No, Mr. Wolf, I don't think you'll ever see any photographs of the Kent map. I don't think any were taken.
Nero Wolfe
Indeed.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
But guess who runs the document Research laboratory. No, no, no, no, no. Don't guess. You probably know a man named Ben Sanford. And he's sitting right here looking at me.
Nero Wolfe
Bring him home with you.
Archie Goodwin
Home?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
But it's four in the afternoon. This is the sacred hour when you pray over your orchids.
Nero Wolfe
And Mr. Sanford can join the ceremony. Hey, how about this place? How about it? There must be a million flowers up here.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
No, not flowers. Orchids. Only Mr. Wolf has 10,000 plants.
Nero Wolfe
Never saw anything like it.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
And you never will again, brother.
Nero Wolfe
Hey, what? What kind is that on the bench?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Oh, that? That's our pride and joy. Oh, Dante goes some Haryanum. Above them the Van Peter Serana. And the pink ones are the silo giani pandoratas. Now, the large object mulching flower pots is Nero Wolf. Mr. Wolf, Ben Sanford.
Nero Wolfe
Good afternoon, sir. Hi. I came along to be obliging. I've got nothing to say about anything. How much have you offered Cross and Halleck for their treasure map? No comment. Mr. Sanford, I'm going to make some assumptions. I assume that you are not, in fact, a document expert but an accessory to the fraud of Hallikin Cross.
Inspector Kramer
No comment.
Nero Wolfe
And you actually prepare fraudulent maps for those swindlers and then, in the guise of an expert, guarantee their authenticity? No comment. This you must answer. You did guarantee the authenticity of the map and let us can't board. It's on record. All right, I did. And will you admit they were forged? What are you, a comic? No. You guarantee the value of the Kent map? Yes. As an expert? Yes. Then you've convicted yourself of murder.
Archie Goodwin
Murder?
Nero Wolfe
What is this? Mr. Kent was murdered, sir, Evidently for the map and letters he bought. But of all persons involved, you alone believe in the value of the map. No one else does. Therefore, you alone would have murdered Kent. For the map. For the love of. Now, wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Chew it over, brother. Chew it over. Either way, he's got you. Okay, okay. You.
Nero Wolfe
You want me to level here it is level, Archie.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Okay, boss. Thief type talk. It means tell the truth.
Nero Wolfe
It's like you say. The letters were bought from Rodman. I forged the map and evidence on them. I guarantee them to Kent.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
The swindle.
Nero Wolfe
The letters are without value. Oh, sure, they're old. That's all from 1851. Just tired family gossip and stuff. Indeed. There we have the problem again, Archie. Mr. Kent is swindled with a map and letters that are known to be worthless. He alone believes the fantasy of the treasure. There isn't any treasure. Never was. Yet Cross and Halleck refunded the swindle money so eagerly. It is obvious they want those worthless documents back badly. Someone else wants them so bad he murders Mr. Kent. Why?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I don't know.
Nero Wolfe
Archie, we must find the girl. There's a chance she turned to Mr. Rodman for refuge. I'm sorry, you'll have to go there at once. If the girl isn't there, bring Rodman.
Archie Goodwin
Yes?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Hello, Rodman, Remember me? I'm Archie Goodwin from Nero Wolf's office.
Archie Goodwin
Oh, oh, yes, good.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I came to get Gloria Kent. There's been a change in plans. Tell her to come out, please.
Archie Goodwin
Gloria?
Nero Wolfe
Well, she's not here.
Gloria Kent
Why should she be?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Haven't you heard?
Archie Goodwin
Heard what?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, I guess you'd better come down and see Wolf. Mr. Goodwin, I'm afraid I can't. I'm rather busy. Look, Rodman, maybe you ought to know old man Kent was murdered. What? Yes, yes, just after you and Gloria left us.
Archie Goodwin
Kent murdered?
NBC Radio Announcer
This is awful.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Mr. Goodwin, you want to see Mr. Wolf now? Get your hat.
Archie Goodwin
Murder.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
But believe me, I never wanted this.
Nero Wolfe
I'm going to tell Nero Wolf the
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
whole mess, every word of it. Okay, then, come on, let's go.
Archie Goodwin
Yes, of course. Just a minute.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I'll get my hat in the bedroom.
Gloria Kent
Murdered gentleman I never dreamed of.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Come on, rodman. Come on, rodman. Come on. What? I didn't hear you. Oh, rodman. What? Rodman. Oh, rodman. Good lord, what next?
Archie Goodwin
Come on, come on.
Nero Wolfe
This is Nero Wolf.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Archie here. We've had a tough break.
Nero Wolfe
Yes.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
While I was waiting for Rodman at the front door, he went into the bedroom for his hat. The killer was there.
Nero Wolfe
How do you know?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
He cut Rodman's throat terrible. The back window was open. It's the ground floor apart. When he was out and gone before I had a chance.
Nero Wolfe
Archie, where were your wits?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Let me alone. I've had a man murdered 20ft by. You think I'm cheering?
Nero Wolfe
Mr. Kramer is here and he has news for us. Archie. He could not locate Cross and Halleck in their apartment. They had not been home all day. The maid informed him that she was waiting for her weekly salary.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
So what?
Nero Wolfe
She was most angry and peppery. Mr. Kramer informs me.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Red Pepper.
Nero Wolfe
Exactly.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Okay, okay. Maybe I know what you mean. I'll try to deliver the goods this time. Goodbye. I drove down to the apartment house on Gramercy Square where Cross and Halleck lived, took the elevator up to the 10th floor, found the right door and slipped in with a pass key. Come on out, come out, wherever you are.
Nero Wolfe
I know you're in here.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
You fooled Kramer pretending to be the maid. But you didn't fool Wolf.
Inspector Kramer
You'd better.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Gloria.
Gloria Kent
Cut it out.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Cut it out, you idiot. Lay off, Archie. Archie, you dope. Archie Goodwin from Nero Wolf's office. Remember me? Give me the gun, Gloria.
Gloria Kent
Give it to me.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
That's right.
Nero Wolfe
Who?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Who did you think I was?
Gloria Kent
Pollock.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Oh, brilliant. So Wolf figured you out, huh? You are a brave girl. They killed your father. You came up here and waited for them. You were going to kill them right back, huh? Oh, that redheaded temper. And you bluffed Kramer into thinking you were the maid.
Gloria Kent
I had to do something. It was the only thing I could think of to come here and kill him.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, you're coming home with Archie. And just remember one thing. When Wolf's working for you, don't try to do any thinking. It only gets in Wolf's way. I got Gloria Kent back to the house at 7 o'.
Archie Goodwin
Clock.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I parked the car, brought her into the office and got the shock of my life. There was a convention on. Wolf was there with Inspector Kramer representing the cops. Cross, Halleck and Sanford were there representing the crooks. When Kramer saw Gloria, he scowled first at her and then at Wolf.
Inspector Kramer
So it was a slick one after all. Wolf, you didn't have the girl. You had no intention of producing her.
Nero Wolfe
Please, Mr. Kramer, that can wait. There are other matters more important. I dine at eight. That leaves me one hour to solve your murders.
Inspector Kramer
Murders?
Nero Wolfe
More than one?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Yes, two. Elmer Rodman.
Archie Goodwin
I haven't.
Inspector Kramer
Good one.
Nero Wolfe
If you please, Mr. Kramer. Not now. First, Ms. King. Good evening, Ms. Kent. I presume you have met these gentlemen, Cross, Halleck and Sanford. Take your purse, please.
Gloria Kent
Why?
Nero Wolfe
Don't think me as naive as Mr. Goodwin, Miss. When you left your home after the murder of your father, you took the map and letters with you. They are in your purse now.
Gloria Kent
True.
Nero Wolfe
Archie, the purse. Thank you. We have here an interesting situation. That there exists some old letters and map forged and fraudulent. They're worth $10,000 and more to Cross and Halleck. And worth two murders to a killer. Why? There must be something of great value in the letters.
Inspector Kramer
Such as?
Nero Wolfe
Something which Mr. Sanford could not see, although he worked on the document closely. Yet something which could be made manifest. What is the answer, Ms. Kent? You know it.
Gloria Kent
I swear I don't.
Nero Wolfe
Secret writing. Archie, bring the chafing dish from the dining room.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Right. Secret writing.
Nero Wolfe
I saw nothing when I worked down those letters. Naturally, Mr. Sandberg, the writing is invisible. That heat is an agent. It makes most Forms of secret writing visible.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
The chafing dish, boss.
Nero Wolfe
Thank you, Archie. Place it before me and light it.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Right.
Nero Wolfe
Now I open Ms. Kent's purse. From it, you see, I withdraw these ancient letters which he took from her house after her father's murder.
Gloria Kent
That's not true.
Nero Wolfe
Archie.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
That's enough. Gloria, that's enough. From now on, you just listen.
Nero Wolfe
We remove the letters from the envelope
Archie Goodwin
and toast them gently.
Nero Wolfe
Secret ink, vintage 1851, will easily succumb to the agency of heat. Careful. Those envelopes will catch fire. Hey, hey, hey.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
They're caught.
Nero Wolfe
Don't be upset, Mr. Cross. Mr. Halleck. The envelopes. They'll burn safely in the dish. We can concentrate on the writing. Watch closely. I don't want to be accused of trickery. You fat fool. The envelopes are everything.
Inspector Kramer
Come out, Sanford.
Nero Wolfe
Don't sit there.
Radio Show Narrator
Put him out.
Nero Wolfe
Why, Mr. Haddock.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Well, the stamps. The missionaries are worth the fortune.
Nero Wolfe
The missionary, of course, you know that Mr. Cross knows. So does Mr. Sanford, right? Yeah, yeah.
Radio Show Narrator
Cross.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Sanford knows. You old fool.
Archie Goodwin
Let me.
Nero Wolfe
Mr. Sanford is not alarmed. Why not, sir? I don't know what you're talking about. 50 or $100,000 is burning before your eyes, Mr. Sanford. Cross and Halleck are burning their fingers putting out the flaming envelopes. And you sit there quite indifferently. Why? Well, I. You know the value of the missionary stamps on the letters you bought from Rodman. But you know these aren't the real letters. Isn't that it?
Inspector Kramer
Not the real letter.
Nero Wolfe
I told you I'm tough to crack, Wolf. You didn't fool me with those dummies. Dummies? How do you know? Mr. Cross didn't know. Mr. Haddock didn't know. How did you? Well, I. I'll tell you, sir. Only one man could know I was framing Ms. Kent as a decoy. Only one man could know I prepared these dummy letters and pretended to take them from her purse. And that is the killer. The man who murdered her father and stole the map and letters this morning. You, sir. Mr. Sanford.
Archie Goodwin
Well, I'll be. Mr. Kramer.
Nero Wolfe
There's your killer. You'll find the missing map and letters on him, all concealed in his home or office. You won't need the evidence anyway. Look at his face. He self confessed.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Self confessed. Like fun. He was booby trapped.
Nero Wolfe
No, Mr. Craner. Not a complicated case. Really. Very simple. Elmer Rodman sold a packet of old family letters to the swindlers for a small sum. They used the letters to perpetrate their fraud on Ms. Kent's father and the
Gloria Kent
Stamps on the letters were valuable.
Nero Wolfe
They were a special Hawaiian issue, 1851. Ms. Kent, nicknamed Missionaries because missionaries use them for writing home.
Inspector Kramer
They are extremely rare.
Nero Wolfe
Stamps worth of it of $25,000 each.
Inspector Kramer
Hey, no wonder they were worth two murders. We found five of them on Sandburn.
Nero Wolfe
Excellent. Somewhere or other, Rodman discovered the value of the stamps after he sold the letters. In his effort to get them back, he communicated his discovery to the swindlers Cross, Halleck and Sanford.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
So that's why they refunded the money so fast.
Nero Wolfe
Precisely. In an effort to have the sale rescinded, Rodman sought out Kent and tried to convince him of the fraud. Alas, he would not listen to the truth.
Inspector Kramer
Mr. Kramer, I get it. And while the others were hassling around, Sanford tried to steal a march and quietly resorted to murder.
Nero Wolfe
Ah, there you have it.
Gloria Kent
Haha.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Great job, boss, Great job. So Gloria not only gets her 10 grand back, but five times 25, which is about 125,000 worth of goodies. Now, figuring your rates by the hour, that means you've done a gratis job worth about.
Nero Wolfe
I did not. Nor will I demand a large fee for what I have done. I will not go back on my word. But I can beg for a favor.
Gloria Kent
I'll only be too happy.
Nero Wolfe
Wait, wait, wait. I asked something that would not be easy to grant.
Gloria Kent
What is it?
Archie Goodwin
Will you use your red hair, your
Nero Wolfe
pretty face, your admirable figure and your ample fortune to lure Mr. Goodwin away from this house tonight?
Archie Goodwin
I would like to enjoy my dinner in peace.
Gloria Kent
That won't be difficult, Mr. Wolf.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Let's have an understanding right now, Gloria. Difficult for you or for me?
Gloria Kent
I'll be delighted indeed.
Nero Wolfe
Spend an evening with Mr. Goodwin. There is only one word for you, Miss Kent, in Cherry.
Radio Show Narrator
You have been listening to the new adventures of Nero Wolf, starring Sidney Greenstreet. Tonight's story by Alfred Bester was based on the famous characters created by Rex Stout, produced by Edwin Fadiman and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Wally Mayer as Archie Goodwin and Gene Bates, Howard McNair, Jay Novello, Larry Dobkin, Bill Johnstone and Herb Vigren. Music by Joseph Enos. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the careworn cop. Don Stanley speaking.
NBC Radio Announcer
The preceding was transcribed. Three chimes mean good times on NBC. The chimes ring for Dennis Day and Judy Canova tomorrow night on NBC. Also, Judy Canova prepares to go operatic tomorrow because her special guest is Ezio Pimza.
Archie Goodwin
This is Chester William Bendix R the Man Called X follows on NBC.
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Jennifer Geller
Hey coaches.
BetterHelp Ad Narrator
To celebrate five years of EverFit, a
Nero Wolfe
real coach shares how it transformed her business.
Jennifer Geller
Hi, my name is Jennifer Geller. I am the owner of Jet Fitness and I am also a performer on Broadway. I am very busy and Everfit has allowed me to grow my business from having 30 clients to over 200 clients because of how efficient the Everfit platform is. I'm so grateful for Everfit and happy five years. To see how Everfit can help you
BetterHelp Ad Narrator
scale your business, head to Everfit IO.
Radio Show Narrator
Stay tuned for Nero Wolf Saturday night Chimes on NBC mean a full hour of fun with Dennis Day and Judy Canova. Dennis always appears perplexed and bewildered, but one thing that doesn't perplex him is how to make a popular ballad come to life in his thrilling tenor voice. And there's music also on the Judy Canova Show. Plus comedy in the mischievous Canova manner. That's Judy Canova and Dennis Day tomorrow night over most NBC stations.
Archie Goodwin
My boss is the smartest and the stubbornest, the fattest and the laziest. The cleverest and the craziest. The most extravagant detective in the world, Nero Wolf.
Radio Show Narrator
It's the transcribed adventure of the Case of the Careworn Cuff with that brilliant eccentric private detective, orchid fancier and gargantuan gourmet, Nero Wolf, starring Sydney Greenstreet. The place is Nero Wolf's office At the moment. The world's greatest motionless detective is sitting in the chair which was built especially to support his £300. His eyes are closed and he's making
Archie Goodwin
sounds through his nose.
Nero Wolfe
Archie.
Archie Goodwin
Archie.
Ask Mr. Wolf. What is it?
The phone, if you please, Mr. Goodwin.
But it's on your desk. Only eight and three quarter inches from your left elbow. All you have to do is lean forward.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Found it.
Archie Goodwin
Archie.
What do you think I am, an athlete? Hello?
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
No.
Archie Goodwin
Wrong number, mister. I'm sorry, Mr. Wolf, if that old phone awakened you.
Nero Wolfe
Wrong number.
Archie Goodwin
And I was not asleep. I was merely concentrating.
On what? We're out of work. There's nothing to concentrate on.
May have escaped your errant attention, Archie, but there are other subjects for thought besides murder.
Radio Show Narrator
Sure.
Archie Goodwin
Blondes and blondes.
You're right at that. Brunettes.
Phooey.
That's not a nice thing to say about any girl. Even if she does happen to be a brunette.
Archie.
Yes, sir?
Go away, you annoy me.
Suppose I did? It would get your beer for you, Fritz. Tonight happens to be Fritz's night off. However, you can always get your beer for yourself.
Nero Wolfe
Don't be an idiot.
Archie Goodwin
There are exactly 23 steps between here and the kitchen.
As you very well know, I abominate strenuous physical activity.
23 steps times 2 is 46. You could walk very slow.
Nonsense. Now that you mention it, I happen to be mildly test the. Archie, would you?
Now that I mention it, you'd better let the beer go for tonight.
Nero Wolfe
Why?
Archie Goodwin
Our stock is running low.
You mean cares.
I've been careful. Because something else is also running low. What?
Money. Federal sticks. There's plenty in the bank.
Sure, but very little of it is yours. Mr. Wolf, do you remember that batch of orchids you bought last week?
Cause I do. Magnificent and very rare specimens.
I got a magnificent bill for him this morning too.
It was large.
It was large.
Nero Wolfe
Confound it, I.J.
Archie Goodwin
i shall have to do some work.
You turned down half a dozen cases in the last few weeks.
One of them may still require me.
Most of them hired other detectives. However, there is a Mr. Wenceslas who might still be in need.
His problem is what?
As I remember, he's being followed by midgets. He wanted you to do something about it. Not that he minded the midgets so much. It was the elephants they were riding.
Man needs a psychiatrist, not a detective. Anyone else?
I can check my files, but I don't think. Saved by the bell.
Another cliche like that and I shall
answer the phone yourself.
Assassinate. You see what it is.
Okay. Hello? As Mr. Wolf is in. Yes, he'll be in. He always is.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
What? But
Archie Goodwin
that was a Mr. Charles Porter. He was In a hurry. He's on his way over right now. Should be here in 10 minutes.
Prospective client, I trust.
A thousand dollars worth of prospective client.
Splendid. Archie, my beard.
Okay, but look, I'm not sure you're going to accept his offer.
Indeed. What does he want me to do for his paltry fee?
That's the point. If I heard him right, he wants you to do nothing.
Archie.
Yes, sir.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I hear it.
Archie Goodwin
Mr. Porter.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Naturally, I'm Charles Porter. Who else would I be?
Archie Goodwin
It's a large field. Never mind. Come on in. I'm Archie Goodwin.
Inspector Kramer
Where is Wolf?
Archie Goodwin
Mr. Wolf is in here. Mr. Wolf, this is Mr. Porting.
Good evening.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Fat, aren't you?
Nero Wolfe
It's moderately noticeable.
Archie Goodwin
Out your chair for Mr. Porter.
Radio Show Narrator
Don't bother.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I'm too impatient to sit. When I have business to take care of, I take care of it quickly.
Archie Goodwin
Very well.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Send him out of the room, Mr. Goodwin.
Archie Goodwin
Nonsense, he's my assistant. He remains.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I don't like it.
Archie Goodwin
Archie, show Mr. Porter out.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Now wait. There's no need to get temperamental. Perhaps I'm a little abrupt.
Nero Wolfe
Rude.
Archie Goodwin
I'm a worried man and impatient. You're wasting time, Mr. Porter.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I suppose I am the reason I came to you. Young man. What are you doing with that notebook?
Archie Goodwin
Getting ready to make marks in it.
But no, never mind.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Mr. Wolf, you have a client named Dorothy Spencer.
Archie Goodwin
Have I?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
There's no need to be coy about it. I happen to know. Then you know I want you to drop her.
Archie Goodwin
Drop her?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Refuse to handle her case. Close the books on her. You know what I mean.
Archie Goodwin
Why should I?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
The girl has no money.
Nero Wolfe
I have it doesn't answer my question.
Archie Goodwin
Perhaps this will appear to be a small package of dollar bills.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
It happens to be a thousand dollars.
Archie Goodwin
Archie, will you.
Nero Wolfe
I will.
Archie Goodwin
It is $1,000.
Thank you.
Nero Wolfe
Mr. Porter.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Yes?
Archie Goodwin
You're paying me $1,000 in order that I refuse to act for Ms. Spencer, nothing more?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
That's right.
Archie Goodwin
What does she suspect you of?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I said nothing about.
Archie Goodwin
That is.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
You must know that as well as I do.
Archie Goodwin
Possibly. Nevertheless, what does she suspect you of?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Being a blackmailer.
Archie Goodwin
Whereas your occupation really is.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I'm a musician. Pianist. I'm appearing nightly at the Windsor Hotel.
Archie Goodwin
Archie, have you made out a receipt for Mr. Porter?
Yep.
Give it to him and show him to the door.
Okay, Mr. Porter.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Mr. Wolf, I want your assurance that the entire affair is definitely finished.
Archie Goodwin
My association with Ms. Spencer, you mean. You have my assurance that it is you Forgive a classical illusion. Cabo.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Thank you. Good night.
Archie Goodwin
Mr. Wolf. I have a secret about Mr. Porter.
Nero Wolfe
He smells some perfume or other.
Archie Goodwin
More important, his right coat cuff is more worn than his left cuff. And a copper happens to be a musical tao. Meaning? Start again from the beginning.
Oh, Porter thought it meant finished.
Therefore Mr. Porter is a liar. His ignorance of common musical term indicates that he's not a musician. The worn right coat cuff that he is an office worker.
That's kind of leaping to a deduction. But even if porter's a liar, Mr. Wolfe, there is something else.
Gloria Kent
He.
Archie Goodwin
He paid you $1,000 to drop a client named Dorothy Spencer. Mr. Wolf, you never had a client with that name. Well, that's that. Dorothy Spencer is not in any way. She's not answering a phone. Mr. Wolf, I said.
I know what you said.
That a comment.
I'm worried Mr. Porter may have assumed erroneously that Dorothy Spencer had employed or was intending to employ me. That does not explain why he lied about his occupation.
Maybe he didn't lie after all. Your deductions could be wrong.
Phooey.
Okay, take care of that right now. Phoning. Hello, Windsor Hotel. Get me the manager's office.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Thanks.
Archie Goodwin
Could you tell me if a Charles Porter plays the piano? It's uh huh.
Nero Wolfe
She sounds blonde.
Archie Goodwin
I see. Thanks a lot. What do you do after work? Oh, so long. She goes home and beats her husband about Porter. Archie, bad news. He does play the piano at the Windsor in the move room. So where does that leave your deductions?
Untouched, of course.
Nero Wolfe
Let me think.
Archie Goodwin
Yes, naturally.
Naturally what?
I came to the conclusion that Mr.
Nero Wolfe
Porter was an office worker. We have just discovered that Mr. Porter is not an office worker.
Archie Goodwin
Therefore you were wrong.
Nero Wolfe
I am never wrong.
Archie Goodwin
Therefore the man who was here is not Charles Porter.
Mr. Wolfe, do you think a man of your weight should climb out on a limb like that?
Nero Wolfe
Fiddlesticks. Look up Porter in the phone book and call him.
Archie Goodwin
Okay, take a second. Archie. The phone company's best friend. Yep, here he is. What do I ask him?
There'll be no need to ask Mr. Porter anything, just phone.
Inspector Kramer
You're the boss.
Archie Goodwin
Well, have to say something to the guy. Hello, I'd like to speak to Charles Porter. So would you. Who is. Oh, Stebbins, huh? Yeah, that's right. Archie.
Nero Wolfe
Oh
Archie Goodwin
no, no, don't, don't, don't bother. Why? I call it a coincidence.
Gloria Kent
Goodbye.
Archie Goodwin
You know who that was? No. That was Sergeant Stebbins. Sergeant Pearly Stebbins, I might add. As though you didn't know that Stebbins happens to be a sergeant in homicide.
Gloria Kent
Indeed.
Archie Goodwin
You expected this?
I Still don't know what your conversation was about.
It was about Charles Porter, who maybe was a liar, but who isn't gonna tell any more lies on account of he was just shot to death.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Well, well, well, if it ain't Archie Goodwin. Come in, Goodwin.
Archie Goodwin
Thank you, Sergeant Stebbins.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
I've been expecting you.
Archie Goodwin
Oh, that's sweetie to say that. Pearly.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Why did you phone Porter?
Archie Goodwin
His right coat cuff was more worn out than his left.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
So for that you had to kill him?
Archie Goodwin
No, actually, I killed him because he didn't know his da capo. Hey.
Yeah, hey.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
He don't look good anymore. Guys who stop bullets with their face never look good.
Archie Goodwin
Burley, you've been robbed.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I did.
Archie Goodwin
That corpse is not Porter.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Now relax, Goodwin, relax. His fingerprints were on file and they check. His girlfriend says he's Porter. If he could get up and talk, he'd tell you he was Porter. And what makes you think he isn't?
Archie Goodwin
Well, because when he visited us earlier tonight, he looked different.
Nero Wolfe
Not much.
Archie Goodwin
But you said girlfriend.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Yes, I said girlfriend. She's in the next room mopping up. She kind of broke down when we brought her here.
Archie Goodwin
You brought her here? Now, don't tell me what her name is.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Why shouldn't I?
Archie Goodwin
It's Spencer.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Dorothy Spencer.
Archie Goodwin
Ooh, that's what I was afraid of.
Gloria Kent
Sergeant, I. Oh, ignore him.
Nero Wolfe
He comes with the woodwork.
Archie Goodwin
His name is Goodwin, miss. Spencer. Archie Goodwin. Find what you were looking for?
Gloria Kent
What I was looking.
Archie Goodwin
Somebody's gone through this place like a minor league hurricane. You?
Gloria Kent
What business is it about mine?
Archie Goodwin
None, maybe. On the other hand, Nero Wolf might have other ideas. Matter of fact, I'm sure he'd have. Ms. Spencer, why don't you go see him? The address is 601 W. 35th Street.
Gloria Kent
I don't see why.
Archie Goodwin
You want your boyfriend's murderer found, don't you?
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Now, listen, Goodwin, the police are working on this.
Nero Wolfe
Sure.
Archie Goodwin
They'll see to it nobody harms a corpse. Goodbye, Ms. Spencer. Don't forget that address. 601 West 35th Street. Believe it or not, you used to be a client of ours. Oh, Mr. Wolf, you're getting to be so brilliant. It's boring.
Nero Wolfe
That is all right.
Archie Goodwin
Tonight you deserve it. I'll get you another can of beer. But this is the last one, unless you promised it. Do some exercise. Like. Like maybe standing up and sitting down five minutes a day.
Nero Wolfe
Thank you.
Archie Goodwin
And why should I indulge in such idiotic behavior?
Well, after a while, you might be able to see your shoes.
I've Already seen them.
Oh, that was 20 years ago. Things had changed. No more buttons. Hey, that must be Dorothy Spencer.
She's undoubtedly young and beautiful.
You deduced that from the way she presses.
I deduced that from the gleam in your eye.
Bah, bah all you want. I'm going to keep the gleam shining.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Hello, Ms. Spencer. Come in.
Gloria Kent
Thank you,
Archie Goodwin
Mr. Wolf is the large sitting down gentleman behind the desk. This is Dorothy Spencer, Mr. Wolf.
You will forgive me not rising. It is due to a necessary conservation of energy rather than rudeness. Archie, chair. Sure.
Here you are, Ms. Spencer.
Gloria Kent
Thanks.
Archie Goodwin
Now then, Ms. Spencer, have the police found anything but dust in supporter's closet?
Gloria Kent
Why, no.
Archie Goodwin
You were engaged to Mr. Porter.
Gloria Kent
I was?
Archie Goodwin
That ring you're wearing, he gave us you.
Gloria Kent
Yes.
Archie Goodwin
May I see it?
Gloria Kent
Well, all right. Here.
Archie Goodwin
Thank you. Expensive, Very expensive. You may have it back, Ms. Pincer. Why are you marrying Charles Porter?
Gloria Kent
I loved him.
Nero Wolfe
Oui.
Archie Goodwin
Mr. Porter, according to Archie's description, was twice your age with considerably less than half your attractiveness. Love may perhaps be blind, but it is not astigmatic.
Gloria Kent
I don't know what you mean.
Archie Goodwin
What were you searching for under the nose of the police?
Gloria Kent
Nothing. Nothing at all.
Archie Goodwin
How did your fiance earn his money?
Gloria Kent
He played the piano.
Archie Goodwin
What he earned there and a year wouldn't begin to pay for the ring he gave you. Would you like to try again?
Gloria Kent
I don't know how he made his money.
Archie Goodwin
I suggest that you do. I suggest that he earn money by the same method that he induced you to consider marrying him. Blackmail. Why was he blackmailing you?
Gloria Kent
Old letters I'd written when I was too young to know any better.
Archie Goodwin
Your motives for murdering Porter would be twofold then. Recovery of blackmail material and the avoidance of marriage to a man you dislike.
Document Research Lab Employee
I didn't kill Charles.
Archie Goodwin
Your doorbell. Archie, get Ms. Spencer into the kitchen once. Must be the police. Yeah.
Let's go, Ms. Spencer, right through that
Nero Wolfe
door and stay there until I call you.
Archie Goodwin
Front door, Archie.
Mr. Wolf. Do I know Dorothy Spencer's here?
You know nothing. A simple role for you to play.
I haven't got time to resent that insult right now. But wait until the next time you drop a collar button. Well, bless my soul, if it isn't dear old Inspector Kramer. How is the Homicide Department?
Inspector Kramer
Where's Wolf?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Big surprise.
Archie Goodwin
He's sitting.
Inspector Kramer
Mr. Wolf.
Archie Goodwin
Good evening, Inspector.
Inspector Kramer
Where's Dorothy Spencer?
Archie Goodwin
This is not the Bureau of Missing Persons.
Inspector Kramer
The District Attorney would like to talk to her.
Archie Goodwin
I shall tell her so the next time we meet.
Inspector Kramer
That could be right. Now she's in this house.
Archie Goodwin
I don't see her.
Inspector Kramer
Mind if I look around for myself?
Archie Goodwin
You have a search warrant, of course.
Inspector Kramer
So happens.
Archie Goodwin
No. But Archie, the inspector's leaving.
Inspector Kramer
Okay, I'm leaving. I suppose by the time I get back with a warrant, she'll be in Hoboken.
Archie Goodwin
Hoboken? Where's that?
Inspector Kramer
Look, Wolf, you can go too far. One of these days you won't be able to talk yourself out of her.
Archie Goodwin
I
Inspector Kramer
trail me to the door, Goodwin, to show what a good detective you are.
Nero Wolfe
Ooh.
Archie Goodwin
Inspector Kramer doesn't love us anymore.
Unfortunate. Archie, take Ms. Spencer to a respectable hotel. Register her under an assumed name. She is to stay there until notified otherwise. Luckily, the good inspector neglected to inform us that she was the leading suspect in a murder case. Hence, we are not accessories after the fact. And I don't want her arrested for murder as yet.
Her beauty has won you over.
You will then return here immediately.
Okay. What are you going to be doing in the meanwhile?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I.
Archie Goodwin
She shall be thinking.
Nero Wolfe
Archie.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
No, no, not Archie.
Archie Goodwin
Ah, our impatient and non musical friend came in through the window. How are you, Mr. Not Porter, of course.
Where's the girl?
Question is beginning to bore me.
Nero Wolfe
I don't know.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I think she's here.
Archie Goodwin
So did the police. I might add that they were slightly closer to the truth. Incidentally, what makes you think she was Porter's accomplice? She must have been. Nonsense, she wasn't. Porter was blackmailing her, just as he was blackmailing you. In her case it was letters in yours. A previous criminal record, perhaps, that your employers might be interested in.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I want to know where she is.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Maybe this would help you remember.
Archie Goodwin
Good heavens, don't point a pistol at me. It annoys me. Ah, the police, I should think.
Nero Wolfe
Open the door for them like a good fellow.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Oh, no, I'm leaving. But if I don't find that girl, I'll be back.
Archie Goodwin
Knock the plastic thing down if it isn't open.
Nero Wolfe
All right.
Inspector Kramer
Well, I've got the search warrant also,
Archie Goodwin
no doubt a fine tooth comb, by the way.
Nero Wolfe
Inspector.
Inspector Kramer
All right, boys, cover the house.
Nero Wolfe
All right.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Inspector?
Inspector Kramer
Yeah, what did you want?
Archie Goodwin
As your men go through the house, will you have one of them shut the back window? I've just had a burglar and I suspect he left it open. Unless the matter is attended to, the house might be filled with fresh air.
Inspector Kramer
What's the matter with that fresh air?
Archie Goodwin
Deadly poison. It clogs the lungs. And may I point out that they warrant your clutching in your hot little hand is not A lease on the house. Finish your search quickly, if you please. And then
Nero Wolfe
why not try hobo?
Archie Goodwin
So I just missed the inspector.
You did.
That I can stand. I'm sorry about the burglar, though.
Perhaps we can arrange to have you
Nero Wolfe
meet him in the morning.
Archie Goodwin
He left his calling card with name and address on it.
He dropped his handkerchief here on my desk.
Oh, it's a handkerchief.
It smells.
So it does.
But all of that unknown friends clothes carry the order.
Nero Wolfe
Therefore.
Archie Goodwin
Yeah.
You will go out immediately to the nearest drugstore, buy a specimen of every cake of soap manufactured in this country.
Mr. Wolf?
He's there. No.
I never realized just how many different brands of soap are made in this country.
You should listen to the radio more often.
So far we've sniffed at 37 cakes. None of them smell like porter. See? 38.
Hey, let me have it.
Nero Wolfe
Aji. Yes?
Archie Goodwin
These soap labeled orchid ovals. I should say, basically mislabeled orchids have no odor. Task for the evening is finished.
Why? All we know is the guy washes with a basely mislabeled soap.
No, the odor would not have been so persistent. In that case, unquestionably, our visitor works for a soap company that makes orchid ovals. Every employee of a plant in which perfume in large quantities is used inevitably carries the odor on his clothes.
Oh, and you already deduced he works in an office, huh? I go see him in the morning.
Nero Wolfe
You do?
Archie Goodwin
You know, Mr. Wolf, what with hiring rooms for girls and paying visits to a perfume factory, I'm beginning to feel like a maiden aunt.
No one would ever mistake you for a maiden aunt, Archie.
Thanks. Is that another deduction?
Maiden aunts really need a shade.
Gloria Kent
Market.
Document Research Lab Employee
Elbows.
Gloria Kent
Good morning.
Document Research Lab Employee
One arm, please.
Nero Wolfe
Oh.
Document Research Lab Employee
Can I do anything for you, sir?
Nero Wolfe
Yeah.
Archie Goodwin
That is, let's postpone that question and slip in another one. I'm looking for one of your office people. In his 40s, 5 foot 10, brown hair and eyes. Speaks in a sharp, quick voice.
Document Research Lab Employee
He owes you money too.
Archie Goodwin
Who owes me money?
Document Research Lab Employee
Mr. Wheeler, the man you were describing. He owes everybody money, in spite of the fact that he's office manager and makes lots and lots of money. How much does he owe you?
Archie Goodwin
Oh, not an awful lot. It won't break me if I don't get it. Is he in yet?
Document Research Lab Employee
Well, he was, but he went home. He was sort of sick.
Archie Goodwin
Sort of?
Document Research Lab Employee
He got a phone call from somebody and rushed out.
Archie Goodwin
Too bad. Well, I better scram.
Document Research Lab Employee
Well, you didn't answer my question yet. I'm off at 5. My name's Gwen.
Nero Wolfe
Goodbye.
Archie Goodwin
Wolf speaking.
Archie here. Unknown's name is Wheeler. He left the office this morning sick after he got a mysterious phone call.
Bad probably. Get to Dorothy Spencer at once and bring her here.
Inspector Kramer
Right.
Archie Goodwin
I'm at Wheeler's house now. Thought I better check. His wife's here too.
Nero Wolfe
Blonde?
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Uh huh. How could you tell?
Archie Goodwin
Fetch you a smirk in your voice. Get out of there fast and don't stop to console Mrs. Wheeler.
9:08. Ah, room 909. Ms. Dorothy Spencer. Nobody home.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Shut that door behind you for the wind.
Archie Goodwin
What? Never mind pulling triggers, I'll shut it.
Gloria Kent
Oh Archie.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
I would prefer silence. Keep your hands high.
Archie Goodwin
Goodwin, it's unhealthy. All the blood had run into my head.
Gloria Kent
Archie, he murdered Charles.
Archie Goodwin
He did. Tut. Mr. Wheeler really shouldn't have. It's against the law.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Get into the bathroom, both of you.
Archie Goodwin
I already shaved.
Gloria Kent
I phoned him. I thought maybe he had my letters.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Porter couldn't keep his mouth shut about his other victims.
Archie Goodwin
He was gonna force Dorothy to marry him. Did you find his material? Wheeler?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Yes, in an office. He read it as a front.
Nero Wolfe
It's all burned.
Archie Goodwin
And why all the melodrama?
Charles Porter (Impostor)
You know about me, so does she. I can't trust anyone. Get into the bathroom, I said.
Archie Goodwin
Look, let's not lose our heads about this.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Get moving. Goodwin.
Archie Goodwin
I like it here.
All right then, here is where you'll get it.
Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute. Something's wrong. I got shot and Wheeler fell down.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
I shot him.
Inspector Kramer
Goodwin.
Archie Goodwin
Stebbins. Dear Sergeant Stebbins. Oh, you little flat footed angel.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
It's lucky for you my flat feet got staked out here in time.
Archie Goodwin
Just for that I'll buy you a pair of arch supports for your next birthday. David, I'm beginning not to believe this.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
You had it all figured out?
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Well, not exactly.
Archie Goodwin
Well that is, ah, Wolf sent you here?
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Well, he kind of phoned in and suggested one of us shoot down here and do some rescue work.
Archie Goodwin
That old devil.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Hey, you're not kidding.
Archie Goodwin
What are you laughing about?
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Wolf wasn't sure whether you'd need rescuing from Wheeler or.
Archie Goodwin
Stop killing yourself with your own jokes.
Sergeant Pearly Stebbins
Or whether Ms. Spencer would need rescuing from you.
Archie Goodwin
You've been a very foolish young woman, Ms. Spencer. I suggest that in the future you exercise more care in your correspondence.
Gloria Kent
Oh, I shall, Mr. Wolf, but how can I ever thank you?
Archie Goodwin
Well one, one way would be to listen wide eyed while he explains how he solved the case.
I have no intention.
Oh come on Mr. Wolf, stop stalling.
Gloria Kent
Please Mr. Wolf.
Archie Goodwin
Well, I'd be very happy to. As a matter of fact, I'd like to see anyone try to stop me. A man came to me, offered me a thousand dollars to drop a client I didn't have.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Why?
Archie Goodwin
Because obviously he wished to direct my attention to that client.
Gloria Kent
Me.
Archie Goodwin
You, Ms. Spencer. Now, then he identified himself as Charles Porter, a musician. But I tested him and discovered that he knew nothing of music.
The da capo routine.
Precisely. Therefore, he was an imposter.
Nero Wolfe
His purpose?
Archie Goodwin
Yeah.
To indicate by no means subtly that enmity existed between Porter and Dorothy Spencer.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Huh.
Archie Goodwin
Thus, when Porter was found murdered, I would presumably be convinced that Dorothy Spencer balked in her effort to enlist my aid against Porter, had resorted to most foul and bloody murder.
Most foul and bloody murder is very fancy, Dorothy.
Archie Goodwin (Narration)
Shows he likes you.
Archie Goodwin
I thereupon asked myself, why should an unknown seek to convince me that Dorothy Spencer was Porter's murderer?
And you answered yourself one reason only.
Because he himself intended to murder Porter, as he did, for which picadillo he has, thanks to Sergeant Stebbins, accuracy with a revolver already paid with his own life.
Nero Wolfe
Quadd ap demonstrandum.
Archie Goodwin
Latin for that's what you wanted to know.
Gloria Kent
I think you're wonderful, Mr. Wolf. And I'm going to.
Nero Wolfe
Ah. Be careful.
Gloria Kent
Kiss you, Archie.
Archie Goodwin
Ms. Spencer is a very dangerous young woman today.
I feel brave.
Gloria Kent
Do you, Archie?
Archie Goodwin
Very brave. What are you doing tonight?
Gloria Kent
Nothing.
Archie Goodwin
Let's do it together.
Charles Porter (Impostor)
Bah.
Archie Goodwin
Oh, is that Mr. Wolf?
I said bah. Would you very much mind conducting your immense elsewhere? I would not and do so at once. I have a very important matter to attend to.
Gloria Kent
Goodbye, Mr. Wolf.
Archie Goodwin
Goodbye.
Night, sir.
Very important, very important.
Radio Show Narrator
You have been listening to the New Adventures of Nero Wolf starring Sydney Green Street. Tonight's transcribed story was based on the characters created by Rex Stout, produced and directed by J. Donald Wilson. In the cast were Lamont Johnson as Archie Goodwin and Jane Webb, Peter Leeds, Bill Johnstone and Wilms Herbert. Next week at this same time, Nero Wolf and Archie will bring you the case of the dear dead lady. Don Stanley SPE. Three chimes mean good times on NBC.
Jennifer Geller
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Nero Wolfe
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Host: Jon Hagadorn
Stories Featured:
This episode of 1001 Radio Crime Solvers features two classic radio mysteries from "The New Adventures of Nero Wolfe," starring Sidney Greenstreet: “Stamped for Murder” and “The Well-Worn Cuff.” The tales transport listeners to the golden age of radio where brilliant, eccentric detective Nero Wolfe and his sharp-witted assistant Archie Goodwin unravel perplexing crimes. The episode is brimming with clever banter, memorable confrontations, and intricate plots involving forgeries, murder, secret codes—and, of course, Wolfe’s famous culinary and floral obsessions.
A plea for help from a young woman draws Wolfe and Archie into a web of fraud, murder, and rare Hawaiian stamps, as they hunt both a killer and a missing fortune.
“Will you for the love of heaven, stop turning down clients and turn an honest dollar?” – Archie (03:09)
“Father bought a treasure map… from a pair of swindlers named Cross and Halleck.” (04:30)
“He surrendered too quickly, Archie. Too easily.” – Wolfe (10:41)
“All I’m good for now is revenge.” (12:30)
“You alone would have murdered Kent. For the map.” – Wolfe (18:13)
“Secret ink, vintage 1851, will withstand the agency of heat… The envelopes are everything!” (25:25, 25:38)
“Stamps worth upwards of $25,000 each.”
“Will you use your red hair, your pretty face, your admirable figure and your ample fortune to lure Mr. Goodwin away from this house tonight? I would like to enjoy my dinner in peace.” – Wolfe (29:06)
A seemingly-simple bribe morphs into murder and blackmail, as Wolfe and Archie decipher false pretenses, phony musicians, and the meaning behind a well-worn coat cuff.
“His right coat cuff is more worn than his left cuff. A copper happens to be a musical term… Porter thought it meant finished.” (40:00, 40:09)
“Therefore, the man who was here is not Charles Porter.” (42:09)
“Love may perhaps be blind, but it is not astigmatic.” (46:58)
“It's lucky for you my flat feet got staked out here in time.” – Stebbins (56:36)
“Let’s do it together.” – (59:22)
“Would you very much mind conducting your immense elsewhere? I would not and do so at once. I have a very important matter to attend to.” (59:25)
| Segment | Start | End | Notes | |-------------------------------|----------|----------|-----------------------------------------------------------| | Stamped for Murder Begins | 01:31 | ~29:42 | The Case of the Kent family, map, forgery, and murder | | The Well-Worn Cuff Begins | 33:07 | 60:06 | Fake client, the worn cuff clue, blackmail, and murder | | Gloria Confronted for Revenge | 12:30 | 13:35 | Emotional breakdown after her father is murdered | | Stamp Revelation Climax | 25:25 | 27:55 | Secret ink red herring; the rare missionary stamps revealed| | Banter: Wolfe’s Unusual Favor | 29:00 | 29:24 | Wolfe asks Gloria to take Archie away for dinner peace | | Archie & Wolfe on the Impostor | 41:11 | 42:09 | Deduction of fake Charles Porter by musical ignorance | | Wheeler’s Take-Down | 55:46 | 56:59 | Stebbins saves Archie and Dorothy; murderer revealed |
The repartee between Wolfe and Archie is as brisk and witty as always, laced with Wolfe’s luxuriant vocabulary and Archie’s sardonic observations. The episode maintains a classic, sophisticated detective atmosphere, tempered with moments of levity and warmth.
This double-feature episode delivers everything fans expect from vintage radio detective tales: twists, sharp characters, and intricate plotting. Whether tracking rare stamps or exposing a killer through the scent of soap, Nero Wolfe’s blend of eccentricity and brilliance shines, ably matched by Archie’s streetwise charm.
For listeners craving Golden Age radio mysteries, this is delightful, ingenious entertainment.