A classic-style caper, chock-a-block with art theft, swindling, and romance!

Written and produced by Julie Hoverson

Cast List Algernon Winthrop - Will Watt Bartholomew Hetheredge - Glen Hallstrom Harriet Carter-Nelson - Julie Hoverson Attendant - Russell Gold

Music by Laché Swing (Free Music Archive) Editing and Sound: Julie Hoverson Cover Design: Julie Hoverson (in the style of the Dell Mapback mystery covers) with help from Steve Guy

"What kind of a place is it? Why it's a gentleman's club in the 1930s, can't you tell?"

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THE PERFECT PIGEON

Cast:

Announcer

Algernon Winthrop, a young gentleman whose profession is art broker - with a secret life as a gentleman thief

Harriet Carter-Nelson, country heiress, who has inherited some paintings

Bartholomew Heatheredge, elder bachelor, friend and confidante of Algernon

Butler, discreet and very well trained

THE PERFECT PIGEON

MUSIC TO OPEN - LIGHT 1930s JAZZ

OLIVIA What do you mean what kind of place is it? Why it's a private room in a proper Gentleman's Club in London in the 1930s - can't you tell?

MUSIC

SCENE 1 THE CLUB ROOM

SOUND RADIO PLAYS JAZZ IN ANOTHER ROOM

ALGY Bartholomew, old man - believe it or not, I've been HAD.

BART [mock incredulous] Algernon Winthrop the third? "Had"? Hold on, shh! [beat] No, no... I don't think I hear the trumpet hailing the end of all things, so how could You possibly--

ALGY Hush! Do you want to hear the story or not?

BART [teasing] I dunno - do I?

ALGY You're the only one I can tell, so I expect you can guess what this is in regards to.

BART [knowing smirk] "Art"?

ALGY Yes. I was approached last Wednesday week by [wistful] a vision of loveliness--

BART Male or Female?

ALGY Female, of course! You know which direction my loveliness runs. A trim auburn lass with a back like she'd been born on a horse.

BART There is something to be said for centaurs.

ALGY She said she had been referred to me as a leading authority on certain kinds of paintings.

BART [chuckles expectantly] A-ha!

ALGY Well, I am! And I have the advantage of being outside the normal rope and cap mobs.

BART Someone with no affiliation to bat for.

ALGY Correct. [sigh] She invited me to her country estate, and how could I refuse? There are untold treasures hidden in mouldering attics throughout the land!

BART Better you than me. I loathe the country.

ALGY You loathe anything beyond a ten minute walk from this club.

BART Very true. [arch] Oh, you've reminded me, we're in a club. That means there is hot and cold running alcohol to hand. Shall we?

ALGY I'll stick to a weak Gin and Tonic, if you don't mind. I may have ...work... to do later.

BART Oh-ho!!

SOUND GENTLE BELL RINGS, GENTLE DOOR OPENS

BUTLER Sir?

BART Drinks, please. G and T, heavy on the T, and some of that port I'm so fond of.

BUTLER Excellent selections, sir.

SOUND DOOR CLOSES

ALGY [chuckling] He'd say that regardless of what you asked for.

BART True, but he would say it with a subtle sneer in his voice. Frankly, I can't remember the vintage of the port in question... but apparently he does.

ALGY Indispensible.

BART I know you won't recount anything juicy until he returns, so tell me more about this girl?

ALGY Harriet Carter-Nelson. Last heir of some family or other. Was left the only house not entailed to a distant chinless wonder. Took possession, found it rather a crumbling heap, but discovered there were some potentially salable items hidden about the place.

BART Items in the "canvas" line, I assume?

ALGY Precisely.

SOUND TAP AT THE DOOR

BART Come in.

SOUND BUTLER ENTERS, PUTS DOWN DRINKS, LEAVES

ALGY [sips] Perfect. Gem of a man.

BART Can't remember his name any more than the vintage, but I do try and appreciate him whenever I have the chance.

ALGY Appreciate him a bit for me, too, would you?

BART Certainly. [drinks] Now, the canvasses.

ALGY After an hour or so of driving - the place was halfway to Inverness - I came upon a stark silhouette set against a striking sunset.

BART You paint such pictures with your words.

ALGY I suppose an eye is an eye, for all that. Checking the coordinates, I discovered I had arrived. More striking still was the vision of loveliness that greeted me at the door.

BART NOT a butler, then?

ALGY No. There was some sort of staff about, but she was expecting me, and made certain to be ready upon my arrival.

BART Curiouser and curiouser - a woman who doesn't make one wait an half hour for her entrance? I like her already.

ALGY [rueful] As do I. She lacks that sheen of plasticine that so many women don the moment they "come out" and never seem to take off again. Everything about her seemed so natural. So genuine.

MUSIC TRANSITION

SCENE 2 OUTSIDE THE HOUSE

SOUND FROGS, NIGHT NOISES

HARRIET I'm so pleased you found it! Come in, come in! Oh, no wait - sorry. You should turn your car around before the light goes. Some of the ground is boggy and it's quite treacherous in the dark.

ALGY I'll be perfectly fine.

HARRIET [mock sigh] Your funeral. Come along.

SOUND FOOTSTEPS ON GRAVEL THEN WOOD, DOOR SHUTS

ALGY I didn't realize there was any civilization this far into the hinterlands.

HARRIET Oh, there isn't. Not really. But I love it out here. The country is so beautiful - nine weeks out of the year. Between mold season and mosquito season.

ALGY [laughs]

BART [Voice Over] Enough with the flirting - tell me about the paintings.

ALGY [VO] Give me a moment to wallow in our collective wit, won't you?

BART [VO] One more moment, then. Proceed.

HARRIET There's a set of rooms that's quite liveable, and a few larger enclosed spaces that might pass for human habitation. [drops the banter] I'm hoping - truly - that some of the paintings will be worth enough that I can sell them and [loving] rescue the poor house. [clipped again] You did say you have contacts and know people who might be looking to buy?

ALGY I shall do the best for you that I can.

ALGY [VO] And I would. Whatever my other interests are, once I give my word, I always keep it.

BART [VO] Particularly to such a lovely young thing, eh, wot?

HARRIET It's very kind of you.

ALGY Well, I do expect to make some little commission on it, of course.

HARRIET Of course. Right through here.

MUSIC

SCENE 3 THE CLUB ROOM

SOUND ALGY DRINKS

ALGY [disgusted sigh] and it was ... tragic.

BART Strong word.

ALGY Strong feeling. The room she took me into was hung with a dozen limp landscapes.

BART Limp?

ALGY Oh, you know the type "Aunt so-and so painted this in 1860 on the French Riveria". Or "Grandmama was always well regarded for her eye for beauty".

BART Good night. And after such a long drive!

ALGY And watching that look of hope slide off her dainty face. The light going out in her hazel eyes.

MUSIC

SCENE 4 INSIDE THE HOUSE

SOUND SLIGHT CREAKS WHEN THEY WALK

HARRIET That bad?

ALGY I may be able to get you an odd bob or so - perhaps from an American. Not more.

HARRIET Oh.

ALGY It happens to the best of us.

ALGY [VO] She turned away, and the line of her shoulders spoke volumes.

BART [VO] Reading her shoulders? On a first date? [chuckles]

ALGY I-I-- Perhaps I should... go?

HARRIET No. [coming to a decision, almost teary] I... Can I trust you?

ALGY Goodness, would anyone say no to that?

HARRIET [burst of laughter] Goodness be blowed! I'm going to take a chance. People have said good things about you. Come along.

SOUND WALKING, CREAKING, UNDER VO

ALGY [VO] She took me deep into the bowels of the house, into some sort of secret room. I watched closely as she tweaked various odds and sods on a rococo mantlepiece, and a panel slid open.

SOUND CREAK AS PANEL SHIFTS

SOUND HOLLOW MOANING WIND

HARRIET There's a family ghost, but it's benign.

ALGY Spirits have never bothered me.

ALGY [VO] And in this room - by gad!

BART [VO] Yes?

ALGY [VO] Arrayed around the walls were a good dozen of what looked like genuine Old masters. Undiscovered, possibly unknown.

BART [VO] Real?

ALGY Real?

HARRIET Yes, but. Problematic.

ALGY How so?

HARRIET Apparently, according to unverifiable family lore, one of our ancestors was quite the notorious bandit.

ALGY Bandit?

HARRIET Highwayman, I believe they called the titled ones. He raided everything within a week's ride, they say, and stashed most of the boodle here. Everything that could be sold easily, went long ago. Gold, jewels, things like that.

ALGY Well, if they were stolen so long ago, I doubt there would be any debate as to the ownership.

HARRIET [very doubtful] Oh... I'm sure. It's just...

ALGY Yes?

HARRIET [pitiable] There's no money. Not a sou. I can't possibly defend even the slightest case. A solitary whisper of doubt, and I'll lose everything.

ALGY I see.

HARRIET And without concrete provenance, there's no legitimate way I can sell even one of these. Tragic, isn't it?

ALGY There are plenty of people who would buy, provenance or no. You might no...