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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm Your host, Heather McMahon, coming to you live from Firenze. Eating in Italy is my favorite thing. Jeff, AKA the Italian Stallion, and I, we're in Italy. Hold on, let me turn this up just a little bit. Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Okay, I forgot I'm on my old recorder and you can only hear out of one airpod. That's what we're doing. How the hell are you? I'm fantastic. I feel alive. I'm back to who I was always supposed to be, which was, you know, an overserved, overfed Italian woman. And that I'm living that Dolce Vita life. Dolce Farnet day is just the art of. Of taking it slow. The art of getting lost, the art of doing a fart walk after you've had a Tuscan Florentine steak. You know, that is where we are at. And I could not be happier to be spending my anniversary back in the place where Jeff and I consummated our marriage here in Florence, Italy. He's sitting in the corner. I don't have two microphones or else I put him on. Babe, do you remember when you made me have sex on our wedding night? Yeah. He said it solidified our marriage. We didn't get home till like 6 o' clock in the morning, and he's like, come on, a couple pumps. And I was like, fine. Yeah, you did. So I did do sex on my wedding night. Wasn't the first time. Stop it, Cheryl. I am sitting on a gorgeous futon ottoman stool, if you will, in a fabulous hotel, which I will share next week. You know, I used to share everything in real time, and I've noticed some of y' all have gotten a little bit creepy. So after we had last week's phone call from what could have been a serial killer. Was that last week or the week before the last solo episode I did, we had a kind caller call in, but we had two gentlemen that left voicemails that were kind of sent a tender chill down my spine. So after that, I've decided I'm not going to share my location exactly where I am, but I'll let you know this fabulous hotel that I'm staying at when I leave. But anywho, we are back in Italy. We made it here, safe and sound. We have so much to catch up on. I know you guys are. Your little, you know, your ears are burning. My ears are burning. You have so many questions about the move. What? You know, if we're in cahoots with Robin, all these things. So let's start with the family drama first, and then maybe we'll get into our Italian adventures. All right, we moved. We moved last week. In fact, we moved on a Saturday and left for Europe on a Sunday. Insane. Diabolical. But that's just the chaos of my life. Yes, we moved without my mother. Now, I know some of y' all are thinking the family's broken up, you know, everyone's fighting, and I wish that somebody would start a Reddit thread that there was drama. I hate to tell y' all this. It really. There is no drama. Jeff and I finally, after six years of living with my mom, decided, you know what? Maybe we do need our own space. Because, I don't know, God forbid, we would like to expand our family. You know what I mean? That's all I'm gonna say about that. Maybe we would love to have our own space. Maybe I'd like to come back from tour a long weekend of doing the Yuck Yucks with all you ding dongs on the road and not have my mom bang on my door and say, are you taking a nap? You know it's the middle of the day, right, Heather, you know, it's 3pm on a Sunday. Are you taking me to the club for dinner tonight? What are we doing? And that is no hate or shade to my mother. But finally, like, I think it was Maggie, my manager, one day, she was like, heather, you should not come home and be more exhausted at home than you are on the road. Because Robin doesn't understand that as an almost 40 year old adult who works every day of her life, I should be allowed to take a nap. And those are just the sweet nuances of living with your mother. But no, we. We and looked at another house with my mom and, you know, and I had this gorgeous idea in my brain, like with our powers combined, we get this huge compound. Next thing you know where Robin's tending a garden in the back, we've got a chicken coop on the side, and I'm going to have this big farm and this whole thing. Who the fuck are we kidding? You think Robin and I both, with our crippling ADHD, my sister included, like all the McMahon women, we are ADHD. You think any of us were going to tend to A chicken. By day three, we would have been so bored with the whole egg retrieval operation. We would have been like, I don't even like eggs. Robin doesn't even eat eggs, but she wears that fucking egg hat. So we went and looked at a place and Robin had a full breakdown. I will bring her on the podcast to hear her side of the story, but right now I'm in Italy on vacation, so I can't. But we went and looked, and Robin was looking, you know, the primary suite. And. And I really thought, like, if we truly put all of our monies in one pot and our powers combined, we could get just an abso of a family compound. And Robyn had an absolute shit fit. We look at this house, I don't know what it was. I don't know if it was triggering because she didn't want to leave our family home, which no one was forcing her out of. We have a beautiful family home. But she was pissed about something. She's causing a scene. And Amy Mallon, who's our dear friend and our real estate agent, pulls me aside and she's like, heather, this isn't going to work. I'm like, no, mind you, we're looking at something that's so insane, like an insane home. And Robin's like, well, I'm getting the primary. I don't know where your ass is. Living in the basement. And just to squash the rumors right now, for the longest time, everyone thought that Jeff and I currently live in the basement. We don't. We live on the same upper floor as my mom, but we're on the other side of the house. But no, we are not basement dwellers right now. However, if I needed to live in the basement, I would. There's no hate and shame in living in your mom's basement. There is none. I think that basement dwellers get a bad rap. It's cooler in basements. It's quiet in basements. And if a tornado whips through in the middle of the night, you're already there. So I feel like that whole, oh, you live in your mom's basement is a negative. When in Georgia, we're very pro basements. I think some of y' all did not grow up in a. In a fully furnished, well built out basement that was filled with laughter and love and underage drinking. Some of y' all clearly never grew up the way the rest of us privileged Southern kids grew up. If you didn't go to a party in someone's nice ass finished basement, you weren't at the party. You know What I'm saying, whether you had money or not, everybody, you could have one piece of lawn furniture in your living room, but you had a full pool table, darts bar, dad's office, you know, a game room. Everybody had a finished basement. You could actually be in a housing project in Atlanta, Georgia, but they had a sick ass basement. That's just how it went. That's just what it was like to grow up in the South. But so we start looking at some other properties and Robin was just not feeling it. And I said, you know what I realized? She doesn't want to, she doesn't want to leave the space she's in. She doesn't need to leave the space she's in. So Jeff and I, at the end of last year, we started looking at houses and we walked into one house and I immediately said, we walked in, I just go, we'll take it. Jeff's like this, he's like, great, I love it. But you haven't even seen the basement. And I said, I see there's stairs. I see those stairs. That's brand new carpet. Those look great. And I know that those stairs are gonna lead to a basement of fun friends filled with children. Like, I wanna have the house where the doors are open and people come over and their kids are running around. I want the house that's the late night house where everybody says, we're going to Heather's house for late night. You know, obviously it'll be great in like 16 years when we have teen children and I'm the fun mom, but safe mom. You know, you can tell me about a teen pregnancy and I'll make you, I'll make you a Bagel Bites and we'll sit down and we'll talk about your options. What am I talking about? Jeff? He has tuned me out a long time ago. So anyways, that's my dream. And we walked into this house and I said, this is perfect. But one of the cool things is, is it has room for Robin. Eventually Jeff's what, two houses down. But this idea that there was some like, family drama and we're leaving Robin and I can always tell who actually listens to the podcast. And then people who just like chime in for the gossip every now and then. But people have been DMing me and they're like, where's Robin? How could you leave your mother? I'm like, she's 15 minutes down the road. She lives in a gated community with all of her besties. She's a 30 second drive to the club And God forbid, a bitch at almost 40 who works her dick off has a little space for her own. You think that I'm leaving Robin? Robin's already been over to the house 16 times. She already claimed which bedroom is hers for when she comes over to stay. I said, you're 15 minutes down the road, but I get it. I don't like driving at night either. So when Robin comes over for dinner, you. She can have 16 glasses of dry red wine, we'll make her pee on a stick, have a talk about teen pregnancy, and then send her up to her room. Okay. And, like, you have to understand, too, you know, I was trying to do things in our home and, like, decorate it, and then I would do a decorating thing, spend a small fortune, and then Robin's like, well, I didn't necessarily like those colored drapes. And you're like, well, what are we doing here? So now, as an adult, I finally have my own space where I can walk around my house naked. I can also do the sex wherever I want in my house, and I don't have Robin lurking around going, sounds like you're breathing heavy. Both of you two are breathing too heavy. I mean, for the last six years, y', all, as a newlywed couple, Jeff and I have been having sex about how. How. How far is the distance from Robin's door to our door. A medium sized chip shot. Jeff, who no one knows that distance. 40 yards. Robin has been 40 yards away from every time Jeff's trying to pump. And I don't know if you know this. God, we haven't even talked about off campus yet. We gotta get into that. The off campus has rewired the chemistry in my brain. So I came home from a work trip in LA fresh off the off campus, and I'm trying to do hockey sex with Jeff, and we got Robin knocking on the door every 10 seconds going, are you guys okay in there? Heather, sounds like the bed's gonna go through the ceiling. You're both too heavy. Too heavy. So it is with absolute love and admiration for my mother and truly zero family drama that we have finally decided it's okay to have our own space. The podcast studio's gonna be at the new crib, which is very exciting. That was one of the big sellers because I'm spending a small fortune for my studio right now in Atlanta, so everything's gonna be there. And it was truly so nice just to walk in and be like, I finally have my own space. Like, it's feeling good. But Robin, you know, of Course guilted me. And I said, robyn, we went and looked at places and you. You had an absolute shit fit. And I just realized I was asking her for a chapter of her life that she didn't necessarily. She wasn't necessarily ready for. And there's no need for Robin to go anywhere. You know, that house is set, ready to go, and she's right down the road, so I will be keeping an eye on her. Relax. But God forbid a bitch is allowed to have her own primary bedroom. God forbid a bitch is allowed to have a walk in closet of her own. You know, like, let. Let a bitch live. So anyways, I hope I answered your questions about that and didn't piss off too many people, but the amount of folks DMing me, I'm like, you clearly don't listen to the podcast, and I understand that y' all have lives outside of my life, but when someone DMs me and I have very accurately broken something down on the podcast, and then they're still up my ass about it on Instagram, and they're like, this is new. Wait, you're moving, huh? And I'm like, we've only been talking about this for nine months, bitch. Oh, now you want to slide in, Michelle? Okay, okay, Michelle. But anyhow, God forbid you guys deal with your lives and you're not listening to me on repeat. Also, anybody who listens to this podcast, I don't even know what the fuck I'm saying right now, okay? I really don't know what I do or say, and I think I just flashed the camera. Also, I'm sitting in one of my favorite dresses. It's an unflashed, flattering dress to sit in, but I'm sitting in this great. I don't know what kind of cotton it is, but I got it from this company called COS CO s got a lot of DMS about this dress. I bought it four years ago here at the Cost in Florence. I wear it without a bra. Titties are flapping all around Italy. But it is too hot right now to even put anything remotely close to your titties. So I will be wearing this dress for the next two weeks. This is my. I can sweat and shop in it European dress. Leave me alone. But if you want good dresses, you should go to Cost C O S. It's a European brand. They have stores all over the states. But that's where I'm getting my dresses that I wear no bra with. And I won't say that they're necessarily flattering. But I am comfortable right now, and I can feel a cool breeze. That's what's the most important right now. So, anywho. Yes, we're moving now. We move into the house. We have no furniture. All right? We have no furniture. We just literally packed all of our shit in bags. We threw it in the home. Organizers are gonna take care of it when we get back. Wanna give a big shout out to a company in Atlanta. And if you're in Atlanta, I almost don't wanna say this company, because then they will never have time for me. But I have turned every single person on to the greatest company ever. It's called Chaos to Calm. Shout out to the entire crew of ladies running it. They will literally come, pack up your house, and then take you to your new home, unpack you, and organize the fuck out of it. It's insane. I found them through a friend of mine. They did my office, my tour closet, everything. And so I called them when I was absolutely having a nervous breakdown two weeks ago, and I said, hey, can you guys come move me? And they're like, duh, bitch, We've been waiting for your phone call. So shout out to the ladies at chaos2calm in Atlanta if you need. And even if you're not moving, they'll just come and organize you. They're incredible. I think they're very, very, very fairly priced. It is the best money I have ever spent. And they're incredibly meticulous, clean, trustworthy. So if you need somebody, great. Chaos to Calm. So you should call. All right, so we talked about the move. What else? So, yeah, so Jeff and I moved into a home. We have no furniture. We're gonna slowly start decorating. My dear friend Chaz at Linen and Flax is helping me do, like, all the guest bedrooms. She's helping me do all the outside patio furniture, the basement. And then my buddy Jared Hughes is helping me with all the art and, you know, like. Like the. The chandeliers and all that fun stuff. So I've got a great mix of fabulous people that are helping me make this house feel very fantastic. And it's nice to have my own. Like, it's just so nice to be able to call the shots in my own space. And I know that I don't wanna be redundant or repetitive, but I know that so many people are, like, physically upset that God forbid I have my own space. But, guys, it needed to happen. It needed to happen. So I hope that you can be encouraging and positive on this journey again. Rob and Jeff and I did not break up. We are as thick as ever. And I said, honestly, mom, this would make me, I actually think me having my own home, I know crazy concept would make our relationship even richer because I would never bring Robin on the road because I never got a break. And I would just try and maintain a little bit of sleep on the road and find those moments of balance. And I'm like, now I want her to come and do adventures because I get to have two days where I just like. It got to the point where when I was at home, I was just never sleeping ever because there were no moments of rest. And it's not because she was always up my ass, but there was just a lot going on. And to not be able to come home on after doing 17 shows on a weekend, on a Sunday and close your door and take a nap. At one point I was like, I'm gonna die of exhaustion. I gotta get, I gotta again, if I don't get a secret apartment, I'm gonna get something. So anywho, thank you to those of y' all who are being positive about this. If you want to have the most radiant summer yet, Prolon's five day fasting, mimicking diet makes it so easy to target fat loss, support lean muscle and reset your metabolism so you look good and feel your best all summer long in just five days. Prolon works at the cellular level to help rejuvenate you from the inside out and help you hit your summer health goals. Summer is here, okay. And a lot of us want to just feel like we are put together, also give our bodies a break. I know that I'm going to do Prolon when I get back from Italy. Even though I'm eating very well over here, I'm consuming alcohol and doing all the naughty things. Prolon is a plant based nutrition program featuring soups, snacks and beverages designed to nourish the body while keeping it in a fasted state, triggering cellular rejuvenation and renewal. 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And those are two periods of my life. Those are two periods of my life where I changed as a person. Now, you may want to fast forward through this part because you're feeling, oh, this is niche. I haven't seen this show. This is so niche. Heather, I don't know what you're talking about. Why would I ever watch off campus? And I. But I want you to stay here. Stay with me, Literally. And if you watch off campus, stay with me. You know what I'm saying? Now, if your children are anywhere present, it's time to put in the AirPods. It's time to put on the dingle dongles. All right? Or maybe switch over to Blue's Clues. I need us to have a private adult conversation. This is not for any children to hear. This is probably not even for your spouses to hear. I just need you to lock in with me for a second. All right? Stay here. Stay there. You there? Okay, great. This show is in a nutshell. The elevator pitches. Two young hotties in college meet and fuck. Okay, that's all you need to know, but it's fantastic. But the reason I think so many millennial women are watching this show and having a connection to it is because it is. It is rewriting the history in our brains in a positive way of what our sexual experiences were supposed to be like in college. Every woman who has watched this has said, well, obviously, not only are all the stars, like, hot, but the way that the show and the book are written is everything is so unbelievably consensual in a hot, respectful way. And the men in this show are not fuck boys. Like, they're fuckboys to a point where you're like, stop. Will they? Won't they? But then they're fantastic to the women that they love, all right? And they're obsessed with them. Now, I was equally as excited about Heated Rivalry. Okay, again, another hockey premise show. Sex Hotties. Like sweat, lovemaking, all the things, but heated rivalry. You know, obviously it skews a little bit towards the men, but I can watch two hot men and still have a good time. But that show was more about, like, this. This passion, right? And it was a different energy off campus is sweetness. It's. It's asking for consent. The main guy, Garrett Graham, the actor. That's not the actor. The main character, Garrett Graham, is such a man who's like, do you feel supported? Let me watch your drink. You know, like, every single thing is, no, I don't want to make out. You're drunk. This is too much. You're like, I didn't have any of these college experiences. Not a single guy in college was like, hey, I don't feel like this is a good idea. We should stop. No. Like. And I hate to laugh about that, but I've had so many private conversations with my girlfriends were like, where was this chivalry when we were in college? Didn't exist. Did not exist. And I'm not saying that every situation was really sketchy, but nine times out of ten, most of the situations were a little sketchy, and I stand on that. So the main actor in this show, and I don't wanna sound like a pervert, he's 29. All right? He is 29. This guy Belmont is. I haven't had a crush, and my husband's sitting in the corner. He's not listening to me. He's got AirPods in. He's watching a barstool sports show. I haven't had a crush on a gentleman in the entertainment business since the Rock, Dwayne Johnson. I don't even know how to describe the feelings that I for this guy. This actor is so good at being so fucking hot. It's unbelievable. And I don't usually have crushes on actors because I know that when you meet them in real life, they're skin and bones. Like, if they're hot in a movie, you're like, this guy's probably 145 pounds soaking wet. He could be a Formula One driver. If you've ever seen Tom Cruise up close and personal, he is literally the size of this glass bottle of water. Okay? Little tiny thing, actual small person. And that is no disrespect to any of my short kings out there, but as a large woman, I like them beefy. I'm more of a Jason Kelsey kind of gal. You know what I mean? Shout out to Kelsey or shout out to the Kelsey brothers. You know, wouldn't be mad if both of them picked me up and twirled me around. That's all I'm saying. That's the kind of size I'm going for. I'm going for girth. I'm going for large wing, back, shoulders. I'm going for a calf that looks like a turkey leg that you'd find at the Renaissance Fair. That's more my type. Well, this man, Belmont character name Garrett Graham, has got me tongue tied, twisted. There is a specific scene where. And I don't want to give anything away, but all I want to say is, you got to get to episode four of this show. Episode four will rewire your brain. I want you to watch it alone. And then after you've had sex with your spouse 65 times because you were like, this show has set me ablaze. My heart's on fire. And when you are in a positive relationship, you'll look at your spouse and be like, God, he's a good man, Savannah. He's a good man. So I watched this whole series in la, and I'm texting Jeff, who played hockey, by the way. Oh, forgot to tell you. There's a hockey theme here. I don't. I don't know what's happening, but the hockey stories are out. We had heated rivalry. Now we have off campus. You know, I'm one of the number one New York Rangers fans. I got a bedazzled jersey. I will be rink side when the season starts. We love the NHL over here. And my husband played hockey growing up, so he's got that high hockey ass. And if you don't think that I have a couple butt photos on my phone that I've been showing everybody. I mean, I'm showing Jeff's nudes. Proud, loud and proud. He doesn't know that I've been showing your nudes. I've been showing his nudes. You know, I was at Smoothie King the other day, and I said, ma', am, you want to see my husband's high hockey ash? He goes, wow, that's a great butt. I said, thank you. Very proud of it. So I've always been a gal. They call them puck bunnies. I've always been lurking at the. At the ice rink. But if you didn't grow up with, like, you know, hockey guys in your world, I just need you to know they're hot. But everybody in this is hot. And I saw a little discourse online because, you know, so many millennial women on TikTok and Instagram were talking about it like they're truly was before off campus and after off campus and every. And this show is about college students. So everybody went, every woman. And this is the difference between men and women. Every woman went and Googled how old are the actors? Like, just so they didn't feel like a fucking creep, how old are the men in this show? They're all almost 30. How old are the men? How. Okay, okay, 29. Great. All right, all right. Only like eight year difference. Okay. Feeling good about it. And that's the difference between men and women. Men wouldn't Google, like, okay, is this, is this a little weird? No, they wouldn't. But this show is so fucking good. It's sweet, it's cheesy. Get through the pilot. Everybody knows you don't watch a show. If, if you feel a little uneasy about a show during the pilot, it's going to be a good show. And as somebody who is currently writing a pilot right now, it's a miserable process. And the pilots are there just to set up the exposition of the whole fucking series. All right, get to episode three and you're like, we're cooking with gas. And I've had so many interesting, thought provoking, and just ridiculously hilarious conversations with my millennial girlfriends recently who have all now grasped on to what is off campus. And I said, why? Why is this show bringing us in this way? Why is it changing our brains? And it's because none of us had these positive college experiences. And that's a larger conversation we can have at another day. But these men are so respectful and just without giving too much away, one of the goals for one of the main characters is to make sure that this girl comes first. And that never happened in college. I could have been in like a committed relationship with someone in college, and they're like, let me just put it in you. And I'm going to pump so hard, you're going to think you're getting your oil changed at Valvoline. That is truly what it was like having sex in college. Okay, so here's what's gonna happen. We're gonna have 65 make ultras at the bar. You're gonna have two cigarettes. Then we're gonna go get chicken on a stick. That's absolutely gonna give both of us bubble guts. And then I'm gonna take my sweaty body on top of your sweaty body. Oh, yeah, by the way, we both put on 75 pounds freshman year and we're just gonna kind of rub together. Like if you were adding mayonnaise to white bread and you're the ham sandwich just holding, holding us together. I'm gonna do four pumps, I'm gonna make this noise, and then somebody in the frat house is gonna bang on the door. And be like, you guys having fun in there. Sounds horrible. And then I'm gonna roll off on top of your body, and you're gonna look at me and look me dead in my eyes and go, I hate you. And then we're both gonna go to sleep, and you're gonna slither out of my fraternity house and go back to your sorority house and vow to all of your sorority sisters, he's disgusting. And I will never have sex with that creature again. But guess what, toots. You'll be back tomorrow. I mean, that was every woman's college experience. And if you're like, I found the love of my life in college. I had so much good sex in college. Good for you. You know, that didn't happen in 99% of us. It was a lot of ham sandwich sex. And I hope I gave you a good visual for that, you know, because when. When you have a ham sandwich and it's that white bread, but it's the part of the white bread where the mayonnaise has kind of been sitting, so it's really softened the bread. Maybe it's like that. The top layer of bread, the mayonnaise and the cheese, and then you're the ham just laying there, and that's what their body feels like on top of you. It's disgusting. Should have never, never been made into a sandwich. That's what it was like having sex in college. Right, honey? Fantastic. Has not been listening. So, anywho, that's my selling point for the off campus. And bought a T shirt with all the hockey. So all the guys in the show are on the same hockey team. And I bought a shirt off TikTok Shop after about seven gummies the other night, and I was wearing it while Jeff and I were moving, and he was like, who are these hockey players on your shirt? And trust me, I made him watch. Off campus, he's in. He's like, heather, whatever brings you joy. Great. He's a supportive king. He's also like, okay, we laugh about it. And then he could not believe that I bought actual merch from the show. That's where I'm at mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. So shout out to my boys. Off campus, season two. I would. I know they're filming right now in Vancouver. I will leave Italy, head straight to British Columbia if they need me. I would love to play. Maybe a physical therapist for the team, Whatever. They need a school counselor. I don't care. I would just like to be at a party with all the hot guys and the Gals from the show and just hang out and feel cool and feel like I am on campus. You know, they may be off campus, but your girl is on and ready to go. We can all agree that housing is insanely expensive. Rent, mortgage, it does not matter which one you're paying. It stings every month, but BILT can make it feel a little better. So let me explain now. 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And for anyone grabbing the premium starter kit, you can get 15% off@branchbasics.com use code absolutely for 15% off the premium starter kit@branchbasics.com after you purchase they're going to ask where you heard about them. Please make sure that you mention the show and show us your support and your love. Let's be honest, what is your dog eating for dinner? I've had my dog on different things and I just got a big package of this new dog food called Golden Child. I opened it up, I was pleasantly surprised and then my dogs went absolutely nuts for it. Golden Child is a chef created, vet, nutritionist, formulated dog food. That's a mouthful to say, but a good mouthful for your four legged foodie. You can actually see it in the bowl. I'm talking there are whole pieces of real meat, protein, fresh vegetables, blueberries and clean rice. It's not just another ad that shows you beautiful food and ships you brown mush. Golden Child actually delivers. 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To save up to 20% off when you subscribe. That's mygoldenchild.com Absolutely. For the most beautiful meal of the day. Again, that is mygoldenchild.com Absolutely. Mygoldenchild.com Absolutely. To try the best for your dog. Okay, now let's get to the little Italy portion of our show because I know you guys are just chomping at the bits. I love to share where we go, what we do, but we are here in Florence. We're here celebrating our anniversary. We got married here in Florence, Italy, at the Villa Medici Liliano, four years ago. Yes, four years. I keep looking at Jeffrey. He's. He hasn't tuned in for the last hour four years ago. So this is. Florence is one of my favorite places. I studied abroad here. This is the place that I come back to time and time again. It is truly one of the loves of my life. This is the city. Like, as soon as I touch down in Italy, something comes al my hair. My cowlick starts to smooth out in a specific way. My skin starts to glow, My metabolism revs up, and I am just set, locked and loaded. I can have red wine and I don't get a headache. I can smoke a cigarette. Fiberglass doesn't enter my lungs. It's just a perfect, magical place. So we touched down last night. We went to one of our favorite restaurants, Trattoria Perione. I have been going there for, like 15 plus years. I know the entire waitstaff there. They came and partied at my after party at my wedding. Just our people. Like, we walk in and we sit in the wine cellar and we have a gorgeous dinner. And I just sit around and bullshit with them. And there's something magical about this restaurant. I don't know what it is. Well, no, I know what it is. It's a staff, Gianni, Marco, the whole crew. I adore them. But the I was here. I don't know what was it, like five or six years ago maybe? Yeah. And I was sitting, having dinner by myself. I forget why I was here by myself, but I was sitting, having dinner by myself. And you get no cell phone in this restaurant. You're like, down in A wine cellar. And I came back up, and I had, like, 55 missed calls from, like, my agents and my managers. And I thought to myself, well, my career's over. Something's happened. I've gotten canceled. A nude leaked, and it wasn't a good nude. You know, it was an awkward nude. And nobody wants to see an awkward nude. Nobody wants to see a nude from me, period. But nobody definitely wants to see an awkward nude, because my awkward nudes are more awkward than you could ever imagine. And I walked outside, and I was like, oh, my God. And I called my manager, and Maggie was like, netflix picked up your special. You know, And I've walked outside before, and they're like, hulu Pick picked up your show like that. So many incredible things have happened in this restaurant. And Gianni mentioned it last night. He's like, heather, remember the night you were here and we were having a great time, and then you walked outside to smoke a cigarette and you found out that Netflix picked up your special? And I was like, God, it's so nice to go to the complete opposite side of the world and have these magical memories with these wonderful people who I just adore and have taken such good care of me over the years. And I know if anything were to happen, I could call and I could literally call anybody at this restaurant and be like, I'm in the hospital. Come get me. And they would. So they are my touch point. They are. We've just been through so much together, and I adore them. So if you come to Florence, you have to go to Trattoria Perione, Tell them I sent you, Say, I'm friends with Heather, and be nice to the wait staff. You know, you're in Italy. They're doing their thing. Take care of them. Always tip at Perion. Okay? And you're like, oh, we're in Europe. Leave some money at Perionate. Those are my people. And if they don't. And you used my name and you went in there and you didn't take care of them, they'll tell me, and I will know. Okay? But no, we went and had such a great time, and we. We transferred. We connected through Paris Charles de Gaulle. And when I tell you we may have gotten bamboozled, Jeff said, we got bamboozled. And I was like, we did. I paid a couple extra hundo for the concierge service by Air France, where somebody picks you up, air, like, plain side, takes you to the lounge, because we're. I was worried about a connection. Everybody had been saying online oh, my God. The new biometric, like, facial recognition system in Europe in order for you to get through passport control. It's like people are waiting in line for 48 hours. It's insane. So I was worried we were gonna miss our connection. So let's be safe. I'm gonna pay the couple extra bucks, and we're gonna have somebody guide us off the airplane and get us through this new system smoothly, efficiently. No, it wasn't like they put us in a golf cart and we were driven or put us in a plain side Porsche and we got to skip the line. Now we 1. There was no line. I. Maybe because we landed at 1pm on a Monday, There was no line. I paid this man oodles of money for him to make us walk 65,000 miles, carry our own bags, just to guide us to the Sky Club. I looked at him, I go, that was it. I thought we were gonna expedite this somehow. Jeff's holding his bag. He's got a shoulder, all right? He's breathing heavy. There's no air conditioning in the Paris airport. And I want to explain something to y' all that if you've never been to Europe, I just need you to grasp, okay? If you're sitting in your home, you're like, man, I really want to go to Europe. And you're thinking about the time of year to go. If you. If you can't handle heat, then you will never be able to handle a European heat. Seeing some discourse online that they said a lot of the European players came to America before the World cup, like, weeks before, so they could get acclimated to our American heat. That. That a European heat is hotter than the hottest day in Mississippi at the Neshiba County Fair. I want you to imagine sitting on the head of an alligator, sitting on the. The tip of an alligator's tongue in the bayou in on August 3. And it is hotter here in Italy. That's just how it is. A European heat is a different heat because you are schlepping. You have 65 bags, and everybody is still in a wool suit. I don't know how they do it. I don't know how it's been done. And there is no greater feeling than sitting down after schlepping all day in Europe. And your feet are broken and your toes are swollen, and you have blood ripping down the back of your heel because the blisters have popped. But you bought a couple trinkets, you gotta deal at the Gucci outlet, and you sit down to have a Neapolitan pizza. And a mater d comes over and he cracks, cracks that coca zero, pours that over ice, gives you a lemon slice and a cigarette, and you're like, we are back, baby. We are so back. And no matter how much water you drink in Europe, your pee will always be a nice hue of chartreuse. It's going to be dark, it'll be a little cloudy. Cause they do different minerals in the water over here. You at no point will feel hydrated. You will also not truly feel too hungover, though. So it's a nice give and take. It's a gorgeous European balance. But if you're like, I've had 65 liters of water and you're peeing and it still looks like the water that they got in Flint, Michigan, which they haven't fixed that, I don't know what that's about, then you're honestly hydrated and you don't really need to worry about your pee will never be clear here. It's recalibrating, dude. It's recalibrating. Just go with it. It's carbonara coming out the urethra. Just go with it. It's recalibrating, dude. But that's a European heat. If you've ever sweat, if you've ever been to the Ufizi Museum, hit the papini store for some leather goods, traipse across a Pon of Vecchio, wheeling and dealing on the Gold Bridge, trying to buy anklets for all your girlfriends, and you haven't just come out. Absolutely. Blood, sweat, tears dripping down your body and your $40 dress from KAS with no bra and your 100% organic underwear from the brand Lacucci aren't just soaked. You didn't do it right. Everybody who comes to Europe in the summer knows it's a different level of heat when you get that Firenze sizzle. It's a different level, but it feels good. So some of y' all like, well, I'm from, you know, I'm from Louisiana. I could handle. Oh, please, I could hear this. I could handle the Charles de Gaulle Paris airport. No, you couldn't. And this is my Cajun accent. And I went Jamaican there. That's my Cajun accent. And now I'm from Ireland. Oh, speaking of which, Met this fabulous couple from Ireland at the table next door. And this is one of the reasons why I love Perione. When you're in the wine cellar, everybody just kind of is like intimate. And you're overhearing other People. And we all start chatting, and by the end of the night, everyone's taking lemon cello shots together. It's just. It's fabulous. So Jeff and I are, you know, minding our own business, having our own little conversation. We had opened a gorgeous bottle of Antonori wine. It's chilled. We're having a great time, having a beautiful, awesome buco over some polenta, some gorgeous black rice, vegetables. We had a peachy pasta with some guanciale tomatoes, garlic breadcrumbs. Oh, moto Bene. Amazing. So there's the Irish people next to us who are fabulous, and then the table next to them, they start talking. They're Americans. It was a beautiful father and daughter couple. Not couple. You get it? A dad and his daughter. He must have been in his late 60s. She was 23. How do I know she was 23? Because I heard her telling the Irish folks. So, like, oh, you know. And I think at first the Irish people thought that they were dating, but then quickly we realized it was a dad and a daughter. She's like, yeah, my dad and I came on this trip. You guys are from Ireland. We'd love to come to Ireland, but my mom's always dreamed about going to Ireland, but she's afraid of flying. In fact, I took my first flight to Italy ever. I'm 23 years old. Can you believe it? I've never flown. And Jeff and I both grabbed each other's hands. And while I am trying to be wildly empathetic and just, like, supportive of this queen, like, yes, queen 23, you did it. I'm now nosy. I'm like, 23. Okay, you're at one of my favorite restaurants. You're clearly cultured. You're getting out. You're doing your thing. But why have you never flown? She's like, well, my mom wants to make the trip, but she's deathly afraid of flying, and she never allowed me to get on flights. So finally, I'm breaking free, and I just imagine this poor girl with, like, aviation Munchausen syndrome, where the mom was like, you can't go. You can't go anywhere. You can never have fun. You can't get on an airplane. And I understand folks who are afraid of flying. Listen, I want to knock on wood, because I don't want this to be the way I go. But as a. As a child of a pilot and many people in my life who flew, my dad used to always say, so if you ever get afraid of flying, I just want you to hear this. This the Pilot and the crew want to get there justly as safely as you want to get there. All right, now, yes, there's a one in a kajillion chance that the pilot had a bad day and he's going to kamikaze this thing straight into the side of a mountain. Sure, that can happen. But the pilot and the crew want to arrive there just as safely. They have families. They have goals and aspirations for their life. It's not just them being like this. You people skirt, and then next thing you know, you're hang gliding into the side of Kilimanjaro. That's not what the goal of most people who are in aviation are trying to do. So this young woman is saying how she was on her first trip, she took her first flight with her dad, and she was so exciting, and it wasn't that scary. And in my mind, I'm just, like, downing my Antenorian. I'm like, yes, Queen. Break free from that mother. Don't let her fears be your fears. And Jeff's like, don't say anything, Heather. You've had too much wine. I'm like, no, Jeff, she's gotta escape. And I guess her dad took her to, like, the Harry Styles concert somewhere, and they had the best time. And I'm like, yes, I went to the Harry Styles concert in Italy, too. It was the greatest. So the dad says, oh, yeah, well, my wife, we're dying to go to Ireland. In fact, that's the number one place on her list. But, you know, she is afraid of flying, and she hasn't been on a flight in 30 years. And I literally, under my breath, I go, leave her. Leave her. I was like, leave her right now, Mark. Leave her. You know you want to. You know you're about to retire from your insurance job. Pack your bags, leave her. Go see the world. Don't let this bitch's trauma be your trauma. You and your daughter go see Harry Styles, go on the full world tour. Leave her, Mark. And I'm in the wine cellar and I'm. My back is to this couple, and there's the Irish family in between us. And I'm just over there going, leave her, Mark. Let her go. This has been holding you back for so long. Leave her. Jeff's like, are you saying. He's like, what are you mumbling under your breath? I'm like, don't worry. I'm about to pay an Etsy witch $45 to put a spell on this guy so he can leave his wife. Is that fucked up all I needed to know about this woman was that she was holding everyone in her family back. And I really am. I feel like a truly sensitive person to other people. Ticks and weird quirks. But what are we doing here? What are we doing? I don't know who this woman is, but I'm angry at her. I'm angry for her, and I'm angry at her and this beautiful conversation. This family was still so supportive of your mother, but they talk in his Irish family. Oh, you guys went to Belgium. We'd love to go to Belgium. And they kind of look at each other. Mom would love to go, but she hasn't been on a flight in 30 years. And I'm just like, dump this right now. Have you seen Off Campus? You guys should watch it together. No, that's weird. You're a father and daughter. Do not watch it together. Leave her and then watch Off Campus. That's where I was at. That's where I've been at mentally and physically. So. But we had a beautiful, beautiful time at dinner last night. And what do we get into this week? We're going to do a boat day. We're going to drive to the coast tomorrow, do a boat day for our anniversary, and then we are going to France. We're going to France. Oh, wait. Back to the Air France. We had this guy in a. In a wool suit walk us 65,000 miles to the Sky Club. And the. He was like, and I'm going to pick you up and take you to the next. The next plane for your connecting flight to Florence. And I'm dripping sweat when I say I'm in the Sky Club. I'm in the Air France room, and there's 65,000 people in there. Everybody's just dripping. So I'm like, you know what? I always, if I have a layover, I always take a shower. That is my best bit of jet lag. Even if you're at the airport, find somewhere you can take a shower, rinse off, put on a fresh pair of panties, and you will feel like a new person. So I get in line for the showers. There's like 50 showers. There's. There's 40 dudes just dripping. I'm talking back of the T shirt, just soaked. Navy T shirt is now black and there's blood dripping down. I don't know why. Everyone is disgusting. And I realized I didn't have enough time to wait for a shower. But I did change my underwear. I did a whores bath in the Air France bathroom. I had my wipes I'm wiping everything down. I got these cooling wipes from Japan. I don't know if they have menthol in them, but I'm slathering those on. So at least my skin, it literally chills your skin up to 10 degrees. I'm putting my Lumi body everywhere. I'm just. I mean, the bits are getting splashed. We're making sure that we're cool, calm and collected. I'm spraying enough hotel lobby candle cologne on me to smell like an. Like I own a nightclub in Mallorca. That's where I'm at. And I side note, I want to give a big shout out to this new underwear company. They are not sponsoring me, but I found their underwear online when I specifically typed in wide gusset underwear. I may have mentioned them before. It's called La Coochie. I ordered all of their underwear because I'm trying to switch from synthetic to 100% organic cotton. And I switched my La Coochie's out. And that La Coochie felt fresh to death. And I was on my way. And then we got on the flight, we had a beautiful meal. Air France has the best fucking food. We flew to Florence and then I watched Jeff fight 65 people in the Firenze airport for a luggage. He got his golf clubs and we hit the road and we are here now on Friday we are flying to the Loire Valley. We're going to visit our friends Angelique and Brent. Our buddy Brent has this incredible new opportunity. He's running all the membership at this really cool club called the Board. So we're going to the Loire Valley. Jeff's playing in like the member member golf tournament. My king, he's on tour. My king is on a golf tour. So he's going to play and we're going to be hanging out with our friend Cassette and Angelique and all of our good friends over there. So that's going to be a really fun weekend. And then I'm taking Jeff to do two nights in Paris. That's right. No, Emily's not in Paris. It's Jeff Kerman and Ms. Biggie are abroad right now. We are doing the most. We are having the best time. We are live, laugh, fucking loving and this is where we thrive. And then we're gonna get home and I'm gonna unbox some, you know, some insane shit that I bought on Amazon Prime Day because I'm a woman of over consumerism right now and I, you know, you don't know what you need for a home until you realize you don't even have a Swiffer Wet Jet Jet. That's what we're doing right now. We are grasping for Swiffer wet jets. But it is nice to have. You know, obviously, I understand how incredibly blessed I am, but I've also worked my ass off, so I. I had so much guilt, too, around buying a home for myself. And Jeff was like, this is what normal adults do. But I. You have to realize, we saved up. We stayed with my mom for six years. We. All we did were we're buying businesses and investment properties. And. And I. And I feel very, very proud of what we've done to buy this house. But I'm also terrified. Like, I keep waiting for just the tax commissioner to show up and be like, so you don't own this. You know, you're a child, right? You know, you lived at your mom's the last six years. But we are doing it, and we're bebopping around in Europe for the meantime just to enjoy ourselves. We had this trip planned a long time ago, so I am where I need to be every summer. I need to put touch my toes in the Med, and I know that 10. Oh, you okay? How do you go to the Med? This is how I spend my money. This is. This is what I do. Some of y' all have kids playing travel baseball, and it's costing you six figures a year. Or you could tell them, fuck them sports. Fuck them kids. And you, too, could come to Europe. My friends who have kids who play travel ball spend close to six figures on taking their kids to the middle of Oklahoma in the middle of August to play a sport that they will never play professionally or recoup on. You know what the ROI is on travel ball? Nothing, babe. Nothing. When you could have taken your kids to Europa and had a cultural experience and you guys could have all sweat together at the Gucci outlets and then recuperated with a crisp, cold Coke Zero. I'm just saying it's not too late to pivot. And I'm not saying don't be a good sports mom, but if the. Listen, if the kid doesn't have good potential, maybe you. You leave them. Like I think this beautiful father and daughter couple should do to the mom, leave them. Leave their ass in the dust. Oh, you want to play travel ball this entire summer? Well, we're trying to go dip our toes in the Met. We're leaving your ass. Good luck to you. No, don't leave your kids behind. But I think because my dad was a pilot and not to confuse you guys, because a lot of folks also don't get this. My dad didn't fly for a living. He owned a company, but he would fly for fun. And my grandfather was the chief pilot for Delta. So we were adventurers, we went everywhere, we traveled, we saw things. And I think that is the greatest gift you can ever give yourself is to go out and go do the thing. And if you're ever scared about traveling or if you're ever like, I'm hesitant, just go do it. What's the worst that's gonna happen? Yeah, you may be on a flight where they fly the plane into the side of a mountain. Yeah, you may get clubbed over the head, attacked by gypsies in the subway. Yeah, it may happen. But also you could find yourself walking the beautiful streets of Florence, Italy. You lock eyes with the gentleman across the way, he's like, ciarbella, you single? You're like, I am. And he's like, guess what? My family owns this entire villa. You wanna make love in a Villa? Not STDs. Consensual. Si. And next thing you know, you've married the count of Florence and your life changes. My little Bella, my little Bella bride, that could be you. But you know what you're doing? You're sitting on your couch right now, jerking off to off campus. When you're done with that, book the fly flights. Book the flights. I can spot an American tourist a mile away because they all have the exact same look. It's called a glyphosate physique. You can tell they've been eating wheat sandwiches with that, that been sprayed in that glyphosate, okay? You can tell that, you know, a European versus an American because Europeans, they can eat pasta all day, slim as anything. But because we got them Monsanto crops and you just spray in that glyphosate, they have a hardened belly. Every middle aged American man in Europe looks exactly the same. Golf shirt tucked in to a Bermuda short that I don't love the length, okay? They may have great upper thighs, but you're not going to see it because that Bermuda shorts going to about 3/4 down the kneecap. And then they have on a pair of the ugliest shoes I've ever laid eyes on. They're called hey dudes. Now if you love a hey dude or if you're sitting on the couch and you look over and your husband's wearing a pair of hey dudes, throw those out. You're better than that. You don't have to spend a lot of money on a shoe. But you know what you're not gonna do? Walk around and hate dudes around me. I don't care if you need the arch support. Get out of here. I'd rather see you in an open toed Teva sir than a hey dude. And all of these men have these glyphosate bellies. Like it's just this hard belly that hangs low. It's hard if you hit it. Knock knock. You're waiting for little Keebler elves to pop out. And it's just a glyphosate physique. It's wide on the back. And then that glyphosate belly just hangs tucked into the Bermuda short pair of hey dudes. And half of them have their croakies hanging off the back with a tight Oakley just hugging the back of the neck. And that is, that's how you can spot an American abroad from a mile away. And I know that that's. That's somebody's dad. You know, I know that that's somebody's dad. And we love those dads, but it's time for them to have a glow up. And we definitely need to have a conversation about the glyphosate physique because some of the, some of the bellies on these middle aged men here in forensic that I'm spotting, I'm looking at them, I go that I've never seen a physique like that. And it's all the same. Where are you from? Indianapolis. Fantastic. Hey, where are you from? Cedar Rapids. Great. Where are you from? Birmingham. Where you from? Orange County. Everybody, Americans across the board, glyphosate physique. And it does concern me. I don't know what we're gonna do about it, but we gotta figure something out. And again, if you've never been to Europe, you come here and the food's fresh. They banned all that shit. So you can have 17 bowls of carbonara, have 65 scoops of gelato, 25 pistachio croissants for breakfast, a Neapolitan pizza and a block of pecorino Romano. And guess What? You've lost £14. So some of us need to tap into that Dolce farnett day life and hit the road to Tuscany. That's all I'm saying. And if you've ever been curious about places to go in Europe or you want to pop your European cherry, call me. I'll curate the whole trip for you. I can do high bud, low budge, no budge, we're figuring it out. Go see the world, because we probably only got three good years left. Anywho, I'm gonna go to the pool, then I'm gonna go shopping. I'm gonna see my girl Cecilia at Papini, my favorite leather shop, and we're gonna be bop around. So I don't have time to yip yap with you guys all day. But I just want to say to everybody who's being so sweet and, and kind and, and encouraging about us getting a new spot, I really appreciate it. I'm so excited about this new chapter. My girlfriend Bess came over, said she did some numerology, and the numbers in our house equal 22. And she said, that's good. That means freedom, new expression, new energy. And the people, the lovely couple that we bought the house from, the gentleman as we were passing over the keys, he said, heather, I want you to know I had a lot of great business opportunities that happened in this house. It's got good luck. You're gonna have good luck, excited for this new chapter in your life. And this is. It's got good energy. So I'm feeling the good energy. We're ready for, you know, a big step in our family. I'm not pregnant right now, so everybody fucking pump the brakes. I've had 65 bottles of wine tonight. But I want you to know that we are excited for this new chapter in our life. And Robyn has not been left behind. Relax. She's not been left behind. And when she is ready to move on from the family home or she is ready to take that new chapter, we'll be waiting there with open arms. Jeff might bite. The ranch next door. Knock it down and put her there. But regardless, this, we're all good. And I am so excited to honestly spend more fabulous quality time with my mom traveling than us just being in the kitchen staring at each other with no words. And I'm like, okay, I'm gonna take a nap. That's where we're at. So, anywho, I love you. I mean it. Thank you so much for tuning in. I hope any of this episode made any sense, but I'm sweating. I have drip beads of sweat running down my back right now. I gotta go hit the shops. I gotta go get a pizza, and I gotta go live that, that, that Dolce Vita lifestyle. Baby, I love you. I mean it. I will see you on the next episode. Ciao, bella. Riverderci Bye. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heather kmcmahon. See you guys soon. Your vibration taking control of me Shines a light so bright it plays out like a symphony.