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Day or night, VRBoCare is here 24. 7 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home. We're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either. The following podcast is a Dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are ya? I'll tell you, I'm great. And I'm dressed like your boyfriend today. Valentine's Day is around the corner and I am dressed like the guy who didn't call you back after college. Want to give a big shout out to the Shop Forward brand. I'm wearing their LA hat. They are local to Southern Cal and a hundred percent the proceeds for this LA hat go to obviously the people who've been devastated by the wildfires. I just got this in the mail yesterday and Shop Ford has done a lot of really great stuff and they always are just on the pulse and know what's going on when it comes to community. Give back. So if you're an LA girly or if you just want to rep or just want to get a hat to Give Back Shop Forward, check them out. But I am dressed like your boyfriend. It's a little frazzle dazzle. Today I'm wearing leggings, a pair of grandpa sneakers, a black wife beater, and a denim button down and a baseball hat. I look like a guy named Mike. Full name is Michael Xavier Strahan, but either way I just look like a boy named Mike. A guy named Mike who didn't call you back. You know, maybe he played on the baseball team. Maybe he was dying D1. No, D1's good. He was D4. He was D4. You know what I mean? He played at like Liberty University or something. You met him at a bar, you met him at a brewery. I am dressed like a man you would meet at a brewery and he didn't call your ass back. Didn't you didn't sleep with them because he didn't have that much swag. But you went third base and he didn't call you back. And I don't mean to bring that energy. I know Valentine's Day is around the corner, you know Quite frankly, I think we put way too much emphasis on the V Day. You know what you should do on Valentine's Day? Go get a pap smear and do a little self care and make sure that your ovaries are good. Instead of worrying about somebody trying to shove something against your ovaries, go get a pap smear. But I am dressed like that guy right now. Why are you dressed like that? Well, I got essentially dressed in the dark. It is. It's going to be a whirlwind of the next. The next couple weeks. And if you see me out and about in public and you're like, she seems frazzled. She seems like she's lost a couple chromosomes to the dome. I just want to walk you through my next week so you understand why I am frazzled. Fucking dazzled. Tomorrow, shooting a commercial. Friday, doing a big corporate gig. Clean standup. I got to write. Clean standup. Then flying directly from that gig, going to Vegas, doing my show in Vegas. Then flying directly from Vegas. Do not touch. Go. Do not stop to powder your puss. We're going straight to Florida. Then all next week, I'm shooting a commercial for a fantastic brand. It's half promotion for the brand, half community outreach giveaway. I'm so pumped. I think what they're doing is fantastic. Can't tell you the brand you'll see very soon. Shooting that in four different locations across America. So we're shooting, we're flying, we're shooting, we're flying, we're shooting, we're flying. That's all. Next week. Then I fly from there to New York. I'm in New York for a week. Can't tell you what I'm doing there, but you'll find out very soon. Not trying to piss anybody off, you know what I'm saying? You know what I'm doing, but I can't say what I'm doing. But you know what I am doing. So I'm going to be in New York for a week and then maybe flying to LA if the Oscars are going to have me back or not. I don't know. We're waiting on that phone call. So that's where we're at. Plane, train, club, bus, another club, Rollerblades, lime scooter, Uber eats, period. That's where we're going. So if you're like, wow, Heather, you smell a little funky. The, you know, the hair extensions are hanging on by a thread. You smell like a sous vide egg bite from Starbucks. If you see me and you are Concerned. Just know I am as equally concerned for my thin physical well being as you are, but this is how we roll, baby. And I'll tell you what, there is nothing better than being back on the road. We are going to get into the shows from this weekend. Man, we had a blast. But I think that's one of the. The, the blessings of what I do. And also kind of the reason why I always feel a little discombobulated. And I've really had to hone in. Hunker down on the self care, if you will. It's because I don't get up and do do the same thing every day or it's not like I'm working towards one goal. Every day is a new fricking day. So I'm shooting a commercial, another thing, for a thing in New York that I can't talk about and doing clean corporate comedy and doing my standup show all in the next four days. It's every day. It's like 65 things, different things going on. And I prayed about these things. So this is not a complaint. I'm just letting y' all know that your girl feels nuts, you know? Cause I wake up, I don't know. We're hitting four different cities next week, and it's gonna be awesome. But you're kind of like, I just won't sleep in my bed for a month. And that's fine. That's fine. What else? I know somebody's gonna twist this and go. Heather's always saying she's not complaining. She's so grateful, but there's a lot going on. I'm just trying, you know, for those of y' all who listen to this podcast and you actually really enjoy it, I'm just letting you know where you DM me on Instagram. Where are you? What are you doing? I'm just filling you in on the schedule. At this point, we should just have a shared Google Drive so you know where I'm at at all times. I'm just letting you know. So if you see me in the airport and I look a little disheveled, you know that I'm. I'm schmoozing, I'm working. But speaking of working, felt so great to be back on the road. Oh, my God. First of all, let's talk about the people of Alabama who just came out to hoot and holler and have a great time. So such incredible audiences. And, you know, I made the joke that I. I like to start every new tour in Alabama because it's probably the Most conservative place I will play. So it allows me to gauge how far I can go with the material and, you know, the pe. I opened the show at Levity Live in Huntsville and I have my notes out and I'm really working out what works, what people are reacting to, going through that. And let me tell you what Huntsville was down to fucking clown. And what people don't know about Huntsville. And I said, said this in the breadwinner special. But obviously there's a lot of smart, really highly intelligent engineers, scientists, astronauts, a lot of people that work for the government in very secretive, high up places. So doing crowd work is always a ton of fun in Huntsville. Cause everyone is lying to you if you ask them what they do. And they're like, oh, I'm in sales. You're like, no, you sell spaceships to extraterrestrials. Like, they're all doing something very, very high level. And Huntsville's kind of a. It's a very cute, very chill town. But it's unassuming because you're like, oh, we're in Alabama. And as a Southerner, I can say that. So anytime I was asking folks, what do they do? Oh, I'm in marketing. Oh, I'm in sales. Oh, I'm in this. And then we, you know, they're being very aloof of what they're doing. And I knew better than to really press. I would try and get enough information out of them. And then quickly I realized by the second show that everyone's like lying to me because they have. They're one sneeze away from a nuclear button, you know what I'm saying? They got the nuclear codes. Everybody was military. It was a wink, wink and a nudge, nudge, you know what I'm saying? And we had one gal, Melissa, dude, talk about she could be your boyfriend. Melissa stood up. Was it the second show? And I said like, what do you do? She's like, I'm coming on the cruise. And I was like, what do you do? She's like, I blow shit up. And she was everything. And I adored her. So, you know, I did check in with her to make sure that she wasn't blowing the cruise up. She said, no, she works for the government. She couldn't tell me what she did, but she was a bad bitch is all you needed to know. So, lot of really fun, cool people in the audience. And then we went to Birmingham, had such a great show. Shout out to the staff too, at the Lyric Theater. They're always a dream to work with Birmingham I thought Birmingham was the capital of Alabama. And I know y' all are. You should know better, Heather. I don't know why. I mean, Birmingham's, I'd say the biggest city. And then I found out Montgomery was the capitalist. Said, that doesn't seem right. So we hit the b ham hard. What did we do? I mean, we went to Bottega, we went to Chez Fond Fun. We didn't skip a meal. Had great shout out to Calla Coffee downtown in Birmingham. Phenomenal roasters, phenomenal coffee. We ate well and we did it right. I have a ton of friends, ton of sorority sisters that live in Birmingham. So it was so great to see so many familiar faces. People came in from Oxford, Mississippi. It was just four great back to back shows. And it felt really good to try all this new material and see how you guys are reacting to it and what worked and what didn't. And I just had a fucking blast. And I love being on tour. I love doing it. And now I. I got 99% of the response of some of the, you know, more tongue in cheek material was positive. I had a couple gals who were upset about things. But guys, that's my job. My job. I'm a comic. I'm a comic. My job is to take things that make us feel awkward, uncomfortable. We're questioning, we're figuring out the things that we talk, the taboo things that we talk about while we're playing mahjong. Like, those are the things that I am supposed to take, become digestible for everybody. And I'm having so much fun just letting it rip. And it's just, it's. It's been a blast. So anyways, we're off to a great start. We won't sleep for the next month. We literally will not sleep till March. But we're off to a great start. And hey, I'm coming to Vegas. The Vegas shows are always my favorite because you never know what you're going to get. It's like die hard fans who know me, a couple Chinese businessmen who have no idea who I am, who just won, I don't know, 500k at the blackjack table. So the casino gives them comp tickets to my show, and they're sitting in there and they either love it or they're, you know, throwing tomatoes. And that's what's fun about Vegas. Keeps you on your toes. It's so much fun. Last time, at the last Vegas show, was it Vegas or was it in Australia? Might have been Australia. A guy showed up, he was like a Singaporean businessman. He showed up to one of the shows. It was in Melbourne. He showed up to my show in Melbourne because it was at a casino and he had no idea who I was. And when I tell you this man had the time of his life, he's like, I just saw a blonde with big boobs and I wanted to come see his show. And we ended up becoming best friends. It was the time of his life. There was a language barrier. He did not care. We had a fucking blast. So I want to encourage you, too, if you're in Vegas or around, you know, you don't have to bring your honey to the show. They'll absolutely love it. But get your girls together, get the gays together. Let's go. Galentine's Valentine's. Let's roll. Vegas is fun, and I know how to do Vegas right. I get in, I hit it right. I do a little shopping, I have a fabulous meal, I do just enough gambling, and then I wrap that shit up and head back east. I do it for 48 hours. So Primo, you know, I have my glitter ready, the feathers, the animal print. I'm wearing a sensible sneaker. While I'm walking around the casinos, I got a Gucci fanny pack stuffed full of ones. I'm ready to hit a strip club, a day club, a nightclub, and a country club all in one. And I always buy myself a little treat in Vegas. Even though the tax is not working out in my favor, I always buy myself a little treat. And every time I look at that little treat, I go, you played Vegas, baby. So very exciting. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time or all in one place. All in your terms. Squarespace is an absolute no brainer. We know this, all right? They make creating a website and a beautiful way to showcase your business so easy. They have amazing platforms. They have amazing, amazing tools on their websites to help you run your business. Hell, people can book appointments, you can sell your wares, you can make custom merch. They have amazing blogging tools. Say you want to blog and teach people how to make fabulous sourdough bread. 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For the Bamboozled tour, they came back with the coolest NASA hats, the coolest T shirts, sweatshirts. Whoever is running that merch, Chef's kiss, clap, Golf clap to you. Unbelievable merch. But what else y', all, I gotta say Birmingham. We gotta talk to somebody on the tourism board though about hotels for such a big city. One hotel, one hotel. I'm just letting y' all know, that's all. I'm gonna say about it. We gotta. We gotta talk to somebody. I'll come in and invest. I'm expanding the real estate portfolio. You let me know what you need. But great food scene in Birmingham. It's beautiful. Shout out to. What is it? English Lane Village. English Lane. English Lane Village. I got a gorgeous rug. Go see Angie get a rug. English Village Lane. Shout out to English Village Lane. I came home with a gorgeous Ushak wool rug. This is what I also love about Southern hospitality. Not only are you going to come and entertain folks, they're going to send you to the best restaurant. Then they're going to be like, come by my store and get some wares. I got a stunning OO shak runner from my kitchen to die for. So I left Alabama with a heart full and some fucking wares in the back of a Tahoe. And it didn't get better than that. We got to see our dear friends. You know, the only Jewish family in Birmingham came out to the show. We just had a great time. It was really, really great. My buddy Logan, Logan Crosby came out and performed at two of the shows, one in Huntsville, one in Birmingham. And we just riffed and diddled and diddled, you know, did a ditty. I also don't like how that came out. You know what I'm trying to say? We were tinking around on the guitar, diddled and diddy. Didn't mean to say that. I don't know why that came out that way. But he's going to be on the cruise. And, honey, let me tell you what, these women, when they see Logan, they start throwing the panties, losing their mind. And he did say, if you're coming on the cruise, we will in. We will enter you into. Win a raffle to kiss him. And by that, I mean he'll just make out with everyone on the cruise, and that's all you can ask for. Oh, man. But what a wild, wild week. Got a lot going on. It's all good, baby. Oh, we haven't even gotten into this fucking Super Bowl. Real quick. Super Bowl. All right, here we go. Super bowl was a bust. When I. When it comes to the Kansas City Chiefs, they didn't even show up. I mean, what happened there? And I'm not here to claim that I'm a sports expert, but damn it, if the Eagles didn't grind hard on them. Those Eagles came down, made a nest, laid an egg, and then literally took a dump and left the stadium. I mean, come on. Also, this whole conversation that Taylor Swift, okay, we have to talk about this. The fact that our sitting president is tweeting about Taylor Swift and how. I just want to make sure I get this right, too. This is where you have to laugh, okay? You. At this point, you've got to giggle. You can be terrified by all of it, but you also have to laugh. So this is a direct tweet from President Trump. The only one that had a tougher night than the Kansas City Chiefs was Taylor Swift. She got booed out of the stadium. MAGA is very unforgiving. Okay? I have to. I have to acknowledge this. And there's a lot of other influencers and people and comics and stuff who are not. Who are women who are not talking about this. And I'm just like, shame on y'. All. First of all, she wasn't getting booed by maga. Taylor Swift was getting booed by the Philadelphia Eagles fans. I rooted for the Eagles, but when I tell you my husband almost divorced me because I was rooting for the Eagles because he said, and I quote, eagles fans are animals. He's like, heather, they'll win the super bowl and burn down their own city. All right? And Jeff, of course, hates the Eagles because he's a New York Giants fan. They. They lost Saquon Barkley. You know, it's a whole thing. So just understand that's a New York hate versus Philly hate. That makes sense. That's not my. That's not my fight to fight. That's not my battle. But Taylor Swift was getting booed because she grew up an Eagles fan. She's from Pennsylvania, and obviously now she's dating the arch. The nemesis of the. The Eagles is her boy, Travis Kelsey. So that's why she was getting booed. She was not getting booed because I think she supported Kamala. Didn't put that together. Also, I have a lot of friends in New Orleans who were there in the stadium. They're like, trump also got booed. So what is this guy talking about? Either way, I woke up on Monday, and I have so many thoughts about the halftime show and everything that we'll get into, but the fact that our sitting president is now fighting with Taylor Swift, you gotta just sit back and go, what are we doing here? First of all, she's brought billions of dollars into the economy, so I don't wanna hear it. And as other women, we gotta stand up. Whether you're a Swiftie or not, you got to stand up and go, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You're going to backpedal that up. So she didn't vote for you. She was never disrespectful, but she didn't vote for you and brought billions of dollars to the economy for her ERAS tour. What's going on with the price of eggs? You let me know. You let me know. I mean, hell, when Swift came in, in New Orleans, I think she brought something like close to a billion dollars in tourism just for the city of New Orleans alone. So you got him fighting with that, which makes me insane, you know, and you have to laugh then. I. And I didn't realize that not everybody had seen the Yeezy commercial. We saw it in Atlanta, but apparently some people had DM me and said that it did not show up in their market. So I don't know how that works. That doesn't make sense to me, but whatever. So Yeezy paid, I believe, $8 million to do a commercial which was just him getting new diamond teeth, a new diamond grill, in a dentist chair. It was bizarre. It was shot on an iPhone. Whatever. The link go. When you go to yeezy.com went to a T shirt that had a swastika on it. And the name of the t shirt says HH O1. I'm gonna guess it stands for Heil Hitler. I'm gonna guess. I'm gonna guess. I don't think it stands for, you know, happy home. I don't think it stands for that. So I didn't even go to the link. I didn't even think twice about it. I was like, kanye's being. Kanye. He's being fucking crazy. And then the next day. Day, Jackie Schimmel was posted it, and I clicked. I was like, oh, my God. So I clicked on the link, and I'm like, you gotta be fucking kidding. You gotta be kidding. How are we justifying this shit anymore? How are we. This is. This is beyond crazy. I mean, I already had thoughts about him, you know, and his wife showing up in nothing but a cheesecloth the other day to the Grammys. And listen, she has free will. She can do what she wants. We all have our thoughts on the way he treats women, but that's a whole nother story. But the. The. The swastika T shirt for. For merch. I'm just done. Yesterday, I had hit a wall, waking up, seeing the president fighting, yelling, fighting, booing at Taylor Swift when she's just there to watch her boyfriend play football. And then Kanye's selling swastika gear. I was just sitting outside, side of my doctor's office. Post Botox, and you're not supposed to touch your face. But I had to start doing this. This tapping sometimes that I do when I get anxious. I was tapping my forehead gently, which you're definitely not supposed to do if you get Botox. Tapping my cheeks, opening my lymph and just sitting there being like, what is happening? I almost felt like I had disassociated. So I called my friend Mary and I'm like, mary, can you look at this website and just make sure that I'm seeing this clearly? Can you look at this? Is this. Are you reading the same thing that I'm reading? Because it is all starting to feel like we are truly in an episode of Veep. We are truly in an episode of some sort of, you know, dystopian comedy. Like, I don't even know what this is anymore. She was like, yeah, no, no, no. Everything that you saw was accurate. So what a. What a fucking whirlwind of a post Super Bowl Monday. And I have to be honest with you, you know me, if you listen to this podcast, you know, I'm a huge Kendrick Lamar fan. We did an entire episode two weeks ago called they. Now, obviously, that song is talking about specifically LA black culture, and it's a diss track to Drake, but obviously we've all. Everybody at some point has probably felt inside, you know, their group of friends. You don't get it. You're not like us. You just don't get it. But I thought the super bowl performance was amazing. I love Kendrick. I think he's an incredible artist. I thought it was brilliant. I thought it was very tongue in cheek. I thought it was a big fu to the man, the whole thing. I just thought it was phenomenal. And of course, sure enough, I start getting DMs on the Tiktoks and the Instagrams. We need classic entertainers. We need classical entertainers. So I asked this one woman, I said, and who would you suggest? And she's like, bon Jovi. I would like to see Bon Jovi. Then I clicked on this woman's profile. She had a Canadian flag. I said, ma', am, you're in Canada. You don't get to chime in on our halftime show if you're across the border, babe. You know what I'm saying? I don't tell you who I want to see at the hockey World cup halftime show, because I know who's going to be there. It's Michael Buble. Every time. Talk about classic. They didn't, you know, it's really tough. Explain being a millennial and explaining to the boomers the. I don't even know how to break this down. It's just tough. It's just tough, period. And I saw so many funny tiktoks of people, like, really loving the Kendrick Lamar halftime show, and then their parents just sitting in the corner like, huh? Like, could not figure it out. Like, when Squabble up came on, they were like, huh? You know, Jeff and I were loving it. It was nuanced. It had obviously a layered many layers of meanings. I mean, the board itself was a squid game board. At the end, it said game over. Like, you know, he was saying something. And if anything, the fact that the NFL let him get away with doing the song, the diss song to Drake, I was like, this is messy. I mean, girlies, listen, if y' all don't understand the Drake, Kendrick Lamar beef, you got to go. Just go on YouTube. There's like 6,000 people breaking it down, if anything. If you like to watch the Housewives and you don't know what's going on with Kendrick Lamar and Drake, then you're not being messy enough, because this shit is messy. And of course, they panda like Taylor Swift. She's loving it. I will say I don't like her hanging out with Ice Spice, though. I said it. Talk about messy Ice Spice. The Heim sisters were there. Love the Heim sisters. Love Sza, dude. Love Sza. Sza has the voice of an angel, and if she asked me to Sza, I would. I love her. So I thought it was fantastic. But having to orally digest the next day and help your boomer friends and family understand what happened when they're all just like, we wanna see yacht rock. I wanna see yacht rock. Can we have a yacht rock super bowl halftime? That one wasn't for y'. All. It was for us millennials. You gotta let us have it. And I'm sure they probably digested that the same way they digested when Bad Bunny, JLo, and Shakira were on the halftime show. What was that, like, two or three years ago? You know, I don't understand. They're speaking Spanish. I just don't get it. Where's yacht rock? And don't get me wrong, I fucking love a yacht rock station. Honey. In the summer, I put that on the Sonos. I'm hanging out by the pool. I'm listening to Steely Daniel. I got myself a cold one. I'm floating in the saltwater pool, healing the eczema. I'm not against Yacht rock, but this wasn't for y'. All. They not like us. Come on. Couldn't believe a woman from Canada had the caucasity to ask me for Bon Jovi. Also, like I have a say. I was just saying I thought it was a great halftime show. We need something classic. We need something classic like the Eagles. That's why you go to the sphere. Everybody knows that's why you go to the sphere. Here's the shocking truth about starting something new, like a New Year's resolution. 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Plus they've won Multiple awards by G2 for software reviews and are trusted by over 50,000 businesses. Doesn't get better than that. Listen, I worked with my personal phone number as my business number and man, that made me crazy. Like at one point teen was like, this is insane. We've got to get something else. You're going to go nuts. Why does everybody have your personal phone number? So let's work smarter, not harder. And remember, right now Open phone is offering 20% off your first six months when you go to openphone.com Absolutely. That's O P E N P H O N E. That's openphone.com Absolutely. For 20 off six months. Openphone.com Absolutely. And if you have existing numbers with another service, Open Phone will port them over at no extra charge. Now back to the podcast. Speaking of classic too, I need you to know that I grew up on that. Good, good. I grew up on a mixture of southern rock like Allman Brothers, Credence Clearwater, but also I grew up on Pink Floyd. The who. Pink Floyd's on tour right now and I am. Whoever's still living, I am dying to go see them. They're. Right now they're. Well, let's see where they. Where are they? Oh, today they're in France. Oh, my birthday. Well, no, I'll be in Vegas. No, I won't. I'm sorry, that's this week. God, my birthday. They're playing Warsaw, Poland. Maybe I'll go see Pink Floyd in Warsaw, Poland. That would probably be fun. That would be fun. Never been to Poland before. Have a lot of Polish friends though. You know who doesn't love a pierogi? But I appreciate the classic music just like you do. Okay? Okay, Sheila, I love it just like you. But the halftime shows are for your key demographic, which is your millennials adjacent Gen X. And I know what you're thinking. Well, that's not fair. Listen, listen. You know what else is not fair? That the NFL allowed Yeezy to do a commercial, and they didn't even check the website before the commercial ran to see that he was selling swastika T shirts. But that's where we're at. That's where we're at also. Hold on. And I know I'm gonna get somebody DMing me. You've become so political. Guys, my job as a comic is to do this job is to talk about the things that make us uncomfortable or the things that we're like, what the fuck is going on? Hold on. The fun. When I tell you I laughed out loud. I laughed out loud so hard yesterday at this point, from the White House and potus both tagged on Instagram, photo of a Diet Coke bottle, which we all know Diet Coke's better. Out of the bottle. It's a photo of a Diet Coke bottle with a red plastic straw coming through it, and a quote, this is on the White House and Presidential Instagram. We're going back to plastic straws. President Donald J. Trump. When I tell you I squealed, I scrammed. I scromed. I squealed so loud, you would have thought I won the lottery. Jeff's like, what are you squealing, laughing about? I said, honey, this is making me laugh so hard. First of all, if you know me and you've been around a long time, I tried to save the turtles five fucking years ago. You know, we're here worried about women's rights, you know, being a good ally to our friends in the gay community. But you know what? You know that we did not think about the fucking turtles. Now we gotta stand up for the Turtles rights, because you know what's gonna happen since plastic straws are back? One of these little fuckers are gonna get a plastic straw because the Republicans are just gonna start throwing them in the ocean, and we're gonna have a deviated septum on Franklin the Turtle here in a minute. How selfish of us. Here we were worried about, like, you know, trying to protect women, trying to protect gay rights. We didn't. We forgot about the fucking turtles. I mean, I was just laughing. I can't stop laughing about it. We're going back to plastic straws. We're going back. Oh, okay. Ocean. We're Going back? I mean, were they banned? Were plastic straws banned? Wait, so say that again, Tina. So he's just. So this decree, this declaration of big plastics is just saying that in the government issued buildings, we're bringing plastic back. So McDonald's straws for everybody. Okay, this is great. Now I really encourage you, one of my favorite actresses, Julia Louis Dreyfus, My favorite show of all time is Veep. It is so funny. And this is why I started laughing, because Jeff and I just rewatched Veep at the end of last year through its entirety. It is the funniest, most well written show that was ever on television in the history of television, period. It's amazing. Julia Louis Dreyfus plays the vice president and hilarity ensues. That's all you need to know. And the first episode is about her trying to keep the people who run Big Plastics, like Big Pharma, Big Plastics, happy. And they have, like these cornstarch spoons that are melting and it's a fucking shit show. And I just looked at this. When it says, we're going back to plastic straws, I was like, we really are in a simulation of an episode of Veep. Like, it does not get better than this. But also, fuck the turtles. And here I spent, you know, maybe five years ago, I worked with. Was it called Final Straw, which was a company where you had a reusable straw. They were trying to do the Lord's work. But no, fuck you, turtles. We're fucking done. Oh, have you ever seen that clip that went viral of O'Reilly from Fox? It's from, like, back in the 80s, and he has a freak out live on air, and he just says, fuck it, we're going live. Fuck it screams it. We're going live. Jeff and I yell this all the time in the house. It's just like our, our, our thing. We'll do it live. Fuck it. We'll do it live when we giggle about something. So all last night, I just kept yelling in the house, fuck it. We'll do it live. We're going back to plastic straws. After the 12th time of me just soiling myself giggling, Jeff was like, okay, we got it. Bits up, Bits up, Heather. Bits up. But either way, I mean, you gotta laugh. Between the fights with Taylor Swift, between Kanye west getting approved to run his anti Semitic super bowl commercial, and now we're fucking the Turtles. Like, what? Guys come to my shows because, like, what else do we have to do but giggle? You know what I mean? Let's just Have a laugh. Oh, my God. It's not even left and right anymore. It's just like, whatever, whatever, whatever, whatever. And I was thinking about it because I made, you know, some jokes. The jokes are at my shows, are always at my expense. But I did point out some things, and I had one woman message me, and she's like, I thought I was upset that you touched on anything maga. And I was like, let me tell you something right now. You know what's annoying? Men go to comedy shows, and every male comedian right now is ripping Joe Biden, ripping Donald Trump, ripping the. In both administrations to shreds. And men sit there and they fucking cackle and they have a good time and they don't think twice. But instead, I had to deal with, like, 10 women call me fat cunts on the Internet. This one woman, Michelle, really went hard on me, and I scrolled up on all of her messages, and I was like, this is the problem. Okay, I want to read you a message that I got yesterday while I was getting Botox. Nonetheless, I was going through some dms, you know, just sitting there in the. Waiting in the doctor's office. And this One woman, Michelle McCarthy, said she had been DMing me for quite some time, and I didn't see any of these, you know, your fat cunt. Fat cunt, fat cunt. And I gotta be honest with you, I haven't been called a fat cunt in a minute. So guess what? Thank you, mama. Thank you, cunt, always. That is a absolute compliment. Fat. I will honestly take it. I know I put on weight, but I am putting in an order for Triz Zepatied. So thank you for that kind reminder. But the messages are crazy. She's been calling me this stuff and DMing me for two years now. Crazy, crazy, scrolling, scrolling. I posted like a chick fil a sandwich, you know? And that's the thing. What's really random is the things she would react to are out of the blue. Didn't even. Wasn't even like I was making a political statement on Instagram. I post like, a chick fil a sandwich. Like, you know, cheat meal or whatever. Your father 100% would have voted for Trump, and I guarantee your husband did. That's not accurate. My dad was a Republican, but he hated Trump also. No. Go fuck yourself. Then the last one I got was. That was, like, the clean ones that I can share with y'. All. The last one is in response to me saying, like, loved the Kendrick Lamar performance. I'm a huge Kendrick fan. I think his music's incredible. I've always loved him. You're a fucking racist cunt. That's why you hate white people. It's pretty obvious. And you hate America. Your poor father must be rolling in his grave. Fat cunt. Honestly. Printed, printed. Went to Home Goods. Sent my mother, my 77 year old mother to Home Goods to get a cute frame. I said I want, like, I want something flashy gold. I want mirrored, I want a mirrored frame. We're printing it out and we're putting it in the office so that every time I look down at that, I just think, girl, you're a fat cunt. Like also, how, how can I, how can I be racist? You know what I mean? I don't understand what she's saying. If I said I liked Kendrick Lamar, how is that racist? Does she mean to white people? I don't. White people enjoy hip hop. A lot of white rappers, I don't know if they were that successful. Eminem was great. Iggy Azalea did not do that well. Oh, love an Iggy Azalea song though. No money, no family 16 in the middle of Miami. No money, no family 16 in the middle of Miami. That's a dark song. That is a song that I, I'm obsessed with. And if you don't know the Iggy Azalea reference, I've been up all night working on my. Gotta work, work, work, work. It's. Let me just read the lyrics to this song. Iggy Azalea, Australian rapper, songwriter, let's do Iggy Zalea lyrics. Let's look at the lyrics. This song starts out walk a mile in these Louboutins you don't know but they don't wear this shits where I'm from. I'm not hating, I'm just telling you. I'm trying to let you know what the fuck that I've been through.
- [44:50]
B
Okay?
- [44:50]
A
So I just want you to know if anybody sends me a mean DM for whatever reason, that they're spiraling and they're a sociopath and they call me a fat cunt. I am just going to send back this entire song of the Work remix by Iggy Azalea. You know, no money, no family 16 in the middle of Miami. No money, no family 16 in the middle of Miami. I've been up all night trying to get that rich I've been work, work, work, work Working on my shit Milk the whole game twice got to get it how I live I've been work, work, work Working on my shit that's All I'm going to respond to that is that is going to be my comeback. And they'll be confused. They won't know, you know, there is no, you know, they say fight fire with fire. I say fight it with Iggy Azalea because she didn't really get the respect that she deserved. She was an Aussie rapper, came over here, got a bad bbl, and then it just, it was, it went. It went haywire from there. She really was a lyrical genius. No money, no family, 16 in the middle of Miami. Think about it. That, you know, when I hear those lyrics, I think she was frightened. Scared. A hustler, a dreamer. I feel a lot of feelings with that. So while, yes, Kendrick Lamar is an absolute incredible lyricist and is telling a story that is layered and thought provoking, so is Iggy Azalea. So you know what? We need to give the white girls the credit where they deserve it, too. But that was my afternoon. Okay, let's get into the voicemails. I'm yapping about my own shit, but let's get into the voicemails.
- [46:31]
B
Heather. Absolutely not to me, finding out that my grandfather who passed away over 10 years ago actually died from a stroke because he took not one but two erectile dysfunction pills. He took two different kinds and the blood went to the wrong head. And I didn't find this out for over 10 years. And I just laughed in my mother's face when she told me. I just have a lot of questions. I know that he was with his girlfriend. I guess she had to, like, cover him up. Did he have a stroke mid intercourse? Like, I just cannot. I have so many questions. I don't want to picture it, but, like, I keep picturing it. So word to the wise, don't take two different kinds of erectile dysfunction medications. Love and light. Thanks so much. Bye.
- [47:23]
A
This is why I love this podcast more than anything in the world. Not only have we touched on important world events, but now we're getting into medical information that you would not have ever learned otherwise unless you called into the Absolutely not hotline at 800-213-7503. Wow. I One dearless dear caller, I am so sorry that your papa passed, but I want you to know he kind of went out in the most badass way he could have. Are you kidding me? You're telling me he died because his boner was too rock solid and his heart couldn't handle it? He went out doing something that he loved with a person that he clearly loved. Doesn't get Better than that. I bet if you went out on the streets and polled, if you went outside the Caesar Superdome in New Orleans post Super bowl, and you asked, what's the way you want to die? And ask every man coming out of that super bowl, they'd be like, with the boner, jerking off, climaxing, he. You don't need to worry about him. You know, I know that. I know at least when I lost my dad, I. It was a weird feeling of thinking, what was he feeling? Thinking, you know, the feeling of being scared that really fucks you up. But you know who wasn't scared? Your paw paw. Your grandpa. He wasn't scared at all. He was having the time of his life. Now, should we probably have gotten his cataracts done so he could clearly read the bottles and the instructions? Absolutely. Also, I love that he took two pills. You know, what, had he taken that before? There's, there's a couple follow up questions that I'd love to ask him, but unfortunately, obviously he's not. No longer with us. But if there are any doctors that could call in and give us some recommendations, would love to know that, you know, had he always been just playing it cool with one pill, got a boner, had a good time, but really felt like he went, wanted to go out with the bang. Maybe this was planned. Maybe he knew that his heart couldn't take it, but he said, today's the day I want to go out strong. Wait, did she say he just took. He meant to take his heart medication and Let me go back and listen to the beginning real quick.
- [49:45]
B
Absolutely not.
- [49:47]
A
Okay, so he knew what he was doing. I had to go back and listen to the voicemail. I wanted to make sure that it wasn't. He thought he was taking his heart medication and taking an ED pill, but he actually took two ED pills. No, no, no. He took two different kinds, two different brands, dude. He knew what he was doing. He said, I want to get fucked up and have a good time. Unfortunately, it didn't work out for him. And I'm glad that we have this platform right now, you know? Yes. Could I talk about what's going on in the world? No. What I want to do is share with our elderly community, the boomers. I'll tell you what's happening with the Kendrick Lamar and Drake beef. And I'll also tell you that if you take two different ED medications and mix those, you're playing roulette with your life. Yeah, you may have a rock solid boner, but you could die. And that's not good and you know it. And you know what? Your family's going to be really traumatized and disappointed if you croak and then they have to come in and cover your lifeless body with a hard boner. Don't do that to your grandkids or your kids in general or your girlfriend or your spouse or whomever. But naturally, men don't ever think about anybody but themselves. So that's a selfish way to go. But I'm just throwing this out there. Your granddad was clearly a. A party party dude because he knew. I mean, that's like taking a Vyvanse and an Adderall. You know, shit's gonna be popping off. You know, you're gonna be itching your neck. You know you're going to be making irrational calls to the poison control line about two hours in. I can't think of a better way to go, though, while pumping and humping. You know how I don't want to go? Like choking. He had a stroke. Heart exploded because he was having such a great time. And I. And I know this may seem insensitive, and I hope you're able to digest what I'm saying, but as somebody who has seen a loved one pass on to the other side, and I'm not saying that I want. I would want my dad to go that way, but I would say if I could take it back. Cancer. No boner. Yes. Life is short, guys. We also have to remember our parents are humans too. Every time I see the TikTok, you know, don't be hard on your mom. She was also a little girl once too. I'm like, I can't handle that. I'm too hard on my mom. She was also a little girl. I get it. Okay, y' all hold on. So my mom, I was. I had to get on her phone the other day to get a number of one of her girlfriends I was sending something to. Anyways, her photos popped up. She had two photos of two very attractive Latin men. I was from like a commercial, an ad or something, and she had screenshotted them. And I was like, okay, Robyn, I know what you're into. Fully clothed, a man smiling in like a Ralph Lauren ad. But she was saving some photos. Uh huh. And I said, okay, girl. Didn't call it out though. Didn't embarrass her. We went for a glass of wine last night and dinner and she told me, I said, mom, you're coming up to New York with me. We're gonna have a good time. She's like, you know, I'm really excited she's going to Portra Girl on a girls trip in April. And she's like, I'm so excited to go to Portugal. You know, I'm really thinking I'm going to find a man who's tall, dark and handsome. I'm like, oh, yeah, Mom, These photos that you took, you clearly googled Portuguese men and have started taking screenshots on your phone because that's what you're looking for. So when you get to Portugal, you have a point of reference and you can hold up a photo next to a man at a tapas bar and be like, yeah, you look similar. Okay. Because my mom also only has one good eye right now. She gotta get the other cataract done. But I don't want to go back to the doctor she used because they did a boomty job and now she has a terminator eye that glows in the dark. It's a whole fucking thing. But honestly, if I hope that this gives you comfort knowing that that's how your grandfather went out, because that's a beautiful way to die. We all gotta go. Somehow I'd rather go out labia first. So I want you to rest your head on your pillow tonight and just say, hey, gramps. Good for you. Honor his memory. And also, again, you can die if you take two different ED pills at once. Not good. Use the recommended dose period. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [54:20]
B
Hey, Heather, it's Kayla from Tennessee. Love you so much. I. Absolutely not. I'm probably a terrible person for just saying, but Valentine at daycare, like I have a four year old, they sent a letter home saying, you need to make a beautiful Valentine's box for your child who's probably going to tear it up in like two seconds. And he has 15 kids in his class and they're telling me that I need to bring in 15 Valentine and I'm like, okay, whatever. But if I. These parents at the school, like do the fucking phones, they put together gift bags, they send in like handmade, like beautiful pieces of art for these kids and I'm like, what is happening? So I'm a little overwhelmed and I just think it's an absolutely not Love and light. Love you so much.
- [55:15]
A
I feel like this is the 10th time a very distraught mother of a kindergartner or a pre kindergartner has called in and said the school is asking them to do too much. I am not an educator, but I agree. I feel the anxiety that you feel. Because you feel like you're gonna fuck it up for your kids. They're in these early development years. I mean, it's a lot. Didn't we have somebody call in a couple months ago? And there was, like, the birthday parties and everything that all these parents are expected to do, outside of just getting your kid to school clean, fed, and in a good mood every day, it's too much. I really feel for y'. All. I really feel for y'. All. So let me get this straight. You gotta come home and make a fucking Martha Stewart gift basket for your kids? Pre K? No, no, no, no, no. Whatever happened to making the Valentine's? We would. We would take. I'll tell you what we did. I remember first grade. Remember, like, yesterday we had a paper bag, a lunch paper bag, and we would draw on the. We got. We'd get the white ones. Remember the white paper bags? We draw on the front. We cut out little hearts. We all got to decorate it with our own names. And then we spent an entire art period, which was like, I don't know, an hour. And we made little valentines for every single person in our classroom. And then the teacher, or maybe, like, the room mom brought candy. And then we would staple our little handmade Crayola heart to a little thing of Milk Duds, and everybody would get an equal amount of Valentine's and that. It was a wrap. You know what? I'm not bringing a gift bag full of, like, spa products for a six year old. Like, what are we doing here? Unless the teachers are just keeping all of the gifts. I know a couple greedy teachers. I know a lot of phenomenal ones. But I also know now some of y' all have been really pimping out the parents for the gift. And I know you put up with their little shits. I'm not saying you don't deserve a sweet treat in the middle of the semester. I'm not saying that. Okay? The Department of Education is about to get torn apart. I'm on your side. But I do believe that y' all are getting out of fucking control. And I know a teacher's gonna call. We don't have the funding for it. I'm just saying can we not go back to the paper and the plastic and the paper knapsack? What are we doing? What are we doing? I loved getting Valentine's. We had this thing in high school, too, where you could buy a $1 carnation and send it to your friend in class. Oh, my God. Obviously I sent carnations to all my girlfriends. Cause I wanted them to know that they were special. Was it always returned? No. And remember that famous line in Clueless when Cher sent flowers to herself to make a man jealous? I don't know why I never thought of doing that. I still send them to my friends, who then never sent me flowers back. And I didn't think to send a dozen carnations to myself so I would look good in front of the other boys. These men had also. Men. They were boys. They were idiots. Had also known me since kindergarten. They're like, Heather, there's 10 of us in this class. If one of us isn't taking you to homecoming, we know no one is. So gigs up, Boo. Boo. Gigs up. Not gigs up. The jig is up. The gig in the jig. We got you giggity, period. Yeah, that was a big thing in high school. You had to send the carnations. And there was this one girl who always had a boyfriend. And again, I went to the same school from kindergarten through 12th grade. So by the time I got to junior high, I was not trying to date any of these fools. We were all best friends, but they were like my brothers. And there was something in the water in our community. I don't know what's going on in Georgia, particularly where I went to school. Everybody peaked at, like, 5, 7. There was one guy who was 6, 1. All the girls were super tall. And the boys on the football team, we had a great squad. But they all stopped at, like, I don't know, five, nine, period, maxed out. So while they were hot in junior high, once we got to high school, I was standing in a pair of Rocket Dog platform sneakers in my school uniform, looking down on all them being like, where's my fucking carnations, Brad? That's all I'm saying. That's all I'm saying. Y' all are doing too much. It's all too much. All of it. We're overstimulated. It's all too much. The Valentine's are too much. The pressure to do that. The super bowl was too much. All of it's so stressful. Just let me go get Botox. Leave me alone. Let's get to the last voicemail.
- [60:05]
B
Hey, Heather. Calling anonymously here with an absolutely not. My husband's longtime friend is getting married and it is out of the country. And as my husband's plus one, they said that I'm not invited to the ceremony or the dinner, but I can attend the after party that starts at 8:30pm they said it's due to a capacity issue, but I think it's quite tacky to ask us to come all that way for me to have go eat dinner by myself somewhere and might make my way to this after party all alone. I know that I'm not singled out as I know other guys, wives and girlfriends are in the same position. But I feel like it's bad form to ask us to travel this way for me not to be invited to the full day. The couple also both attended our wedding three years ago. I've definitely thought about not going, but my husband's already going to have to go and spend so much on the hotel and we're going to fly on points and I want to go visit this place anyways. But thanks for letting me vent. Love you. Mean it. Ciao bella.
- [61:06]
A
Ciabella1 I hope the wedding's in Italy because either way you're gonna have a the best fucking time. Okay? You don't even need to call Emily Post to understand the etiquette of this is. What the fuck are these people thinking now? I because I had an international wedding, I gave everybody a plus one. I'm like, listen, you may want to travel buddy. You're coming all the way to Europe. Bring a travel buddy, bring a relative, bring a boyfriend, bring a girlfriend. It did not matter. I knew that people were coming from far away, so I wanted to give them a plus one. Plenty of my friends who were single didn't bring a plus one. They were like, we're already traveling with our friends all as well. But there is, if you're having a wedding, it's one thing to say, hey, it's a new girlfriend, like, hey, you guys are not committed. I'm not going to give you a plus one. That makes sense. Okay, I didn't do that. I think it's tacky, but I've been to weddings before where because I wasn't seriously dating somebody, they didn't give me a plus one. But you're married. You are married. What is the whole purpose of going to celebrate somebody else's marriage if you cannot also be there with your bride or groom to celebrate the entire sanctity of marriage? That makes no fucking sense. So I know that this is our wedding, but I know you're married. And none of y' all can bring your spouses because this is just about our marriage and they went to your wedding. Fuck em. Fuck em. Now I want to say something though. You actually might get the sweeter end of the deal already. Sounds like the energy of this wedding is gonna suck. All right? It's gonna suck. This is gonna be the worst wedding anyone's ever been to. It sounds lame as hell. And you said the other spouses, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends are also not invited. So this is what y' all are gonna do. You don't even want to go to this lame ass fucking ceremony and shitty ass reception. Wherever this is, hopefully it's beautiful. This is great. Because if it's at the beach, that means you guys get to literally stay at the beach all fucking day. You don't have to like run upstairs at 1pm and only get half a day of sun because you gotta get ready for the 4:00pm ceremony. No, bitch, you get to sit on the beach. That's probably right next to the ceremony. Drinking painkillers, rum runners, aperol spritzes, waiting in the ocean, sand in your crotch feeling good while you see the bride walk down and you can heckle the fuck out of her. And I highly suggest it. Or you get the whole gang together, you guys go for a fabulous meal. I say you spearhead this whole thing. Because if your husband's still going to go and you want to go make a vacation out of this, you're going to spearhead the whole reject party. Y' all go have a sit down dinner at a fabulous restaurant, get rip roaring drunk, take some gummies, have a great time, have a gorgeous experience. You're not gonna be eating shitty catered food. Find Michelin star, whatever. I don't care. You do. You, whatever everybody wants to do. You're spearheading this and then you show up to the after party. That's all you want to go to. Anyways, my wedding was fun from the moment you stepped on site to the end. So I'm just saying. But this, I can tell this wedding's gonna suck. These people suck. Fuck these people. And if you're, you know, and if the argument is someone saying you're being harsh. Heather, the argument is it's a real intimate family only wedding. Then just have family. You don't also then get to invite your best friend and not their spouse. I'm sorry, that's insane. Especially if they went to your wedding. None of that makes sense. Trust me. I'm a bitch who is bald on a budget. I am a bitch who can be bougie. I understand if you don't want to pay for all of it, but if you want to have something small and intimate with just family, then you do just family and invite all your friends to the after party. With their spouses. That's the most asinine thing I've ever heard in my life. And now I'm angry. I'm angry. I'm angry we can't save the Turtles. I'm angry that we're beefing with Taylor Swift. I'm not. I'm definitely fucking angry at Kanye. Done with him. No matter how you try and slice it back to me, it's a wrap. I did see, though, Clea, who's from the home edit, she posted today. On my way into the office just now, she said that the website has now been taken down. Yeezy.com has been taken down. Good. As it should. As it should. And he'll try and spin this shit and say it's, you know, promoting a new album. We're done. We're done. Do not call Ms. Kimberly. You said she was too provocative and you didn't like how she dressed. And then you have your new wife show up with literally, cooter out clit forward. We're done. You don't know what I'm talking about. Google the Grammys reference. And then you're putting up swastika shirts. I mean, what is happening? What are we doing? That's why y' all need to come on the cruise. Because imagine all the problems we can solve when we're all together under the stars with fresh air and island vibes. The absolutely not that we're going to record on the cruise is going to be so out of control. Because here's the thing. We're stifled in this office right now. You're stifled in your car. You're driving around, you got your head down. We're all panicked about everything. But once we get on that cruise and went, smell that fresh air, we're going to be enlightened. You know, we'll probably see some aliens out there, too, because we're going to be out in the middle of the ocean and breathe that fresh air. See the stars, connect Urine's belt to the Big Dipper. Oh, my God. Now we're in Pisces, you know, or technically, during the cruise, we'll be in Aries. Like, we need to connect it all and just get together and solve the world's problems. That's the thing. We're going to figure it out on the cruise, hopefully. And if not, we just won't come back. We'll just stay in the Bahamas and be Iriman. We'll all get our hair braided and we'll all drink painkillers. There's nothing better than Being in the ocean, in the soft sand, hammered, and the sun's starting to go down a little bit and you're sunburned and you're rolling around in the sand and the waves are splashing. You've been out there all day and you know you're gonna have to stumble back to your room to do a quick change and a slick back bun to go to a fabulous dinner where you're gonna eat conch fritters and a fried grouper. Nothing better, baby. So anyways, I, I'm just saying with the wedding, fuck em if you're still gonna go, you got the better end of the deal anyways. You don't have to go to their shitty shit. And to my friend who has to do a pre K V day. I don't know, you know, maybe just slip the teacher $100 and say enough like Tony Soprano style. Go in there, be like slipper a hundo, squeeze the hand and just be like, we're done here. We're done. That's what you do. You're paying her off. We're done here. The hundred dollars covers Valentine's Day, covers Thanksgiving, Flag day, President's Day, MLK Day, covers St. Patrick's Day, and somehow you're going to shake me down for money for the 4th of July and work school's not even in session. Yeah, slip her a hundo. Look her directly in the eyes, maybe wear a faux fur coat and let her know it's a rat bitch. We're done here. We're done. And you know, remind your loved ones, remind the elders that they cannot mix erectile dysfunction pills. It didn't work that way. We learn a lot. We're educating ourselves, we're talking about hot topics, but we're all. We've also come together as one and I love that. And that's the best part of this podcast. Again, if you see me out and about in the next couple of weeks and I'm a little, I don't know, sweaty, stinky and frazzled, just know we're, we're wheeling and dealing. But God is good. Blessed to be here. I cannot wait to see you guys in Vegas. Remember, get your tickets at heather on tour.com and so many of y' all that have been coming out of the shows are still excited about about the cruise or want to sign up for the cruise. Get your tickets@heather.com. still have some spots left. Can't wait to see you guys on the next episode. Ciao bella. A River Dirt G. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. Hop from train to train I feel the vibration taking control of me Shines a light so bright and please, I like a symphony. 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