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Day or night, VRBoCare is here 247 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home, we're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either. The following podcast is a dear media production welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hope you're having a beautiful week. Fall is in the air. It's not really crisp, but also a little crispy. So we're really on that. We're on that balance beam of seasons. Don't know which way we want to go. And I'm ready for sweater weather. I'm ready for a tall boot, a nice tight little skirt, if you will possibly go with me. Here's some corduroy. Corduroy's never looked good on me, so I don't know who we're kidding. And my color palette is not, is not autumn. You know, I. I'm a true winter with a touch of spring and a splash of summer. But the rest of y' all can wear your mustard yellow corduroy and thrive. But I do love a fall. I love a sweater. I've been on Japan TikTok quite a bit recently. I have an entire trip planned to Japan. I just need about 10 days off to go there. But, you know, everyone goes during cherry blossom season. But no, no, no. I've been following a couple influencers have said the best time to go is in the winter. So that's. That's what's up my sleeve. If you're wondering how add I am these days. Let's see. I ordered a bible off Tik Tok shop. Got marketed to me, first of all, got marketed to me. It's one of those, like, while you're scrolling, it's like, hey, if you, if you scroll past this, you don't love Jesus. So then, of course I, I watch it because I think that somehow Jesus will think I don't love him if I don't watch the video. And it's also the worst thing you could do as a Christian influencer is to tell somebody that if they don't buy your product, they're going to hell. But guess who bought it? Me. But it was like, hey, stop scrolling. If you go past this video, you don't love Jesus and will burn 75,000 fiery deaths in the pits of hell. Do you have adhd? And I was like, check. It's like, do you love Jesus? Check. Then get this Bible. And I was like, you know, I need a new Bible anyways. I haven't opened the Word in a minute and I, so I got the Bible. I totally, again with add, forgot that I ordered it. It showed up and essentially it has certain words and letters amongst a proverb highlighted so that you can like skim it and only pick up what you need to pick up. Which I said, I don't know if that defeats the power of the word, but okay. And I opened the book and I immediately looked at this and went, too confusing. But tonight I'm going to try and crack open my Bible for people with adhd. You know, it's like, okay, well, I bought this, made this one purchase and that. That's how I won't go to hell. My mom's like, what did you order this weird ADHD Bible? And I said, one, leave me alone. And two, it is what it is. So I'm going to read my new ADHD Bible while I'm watching. Dancing with the Stars premieres this week. And I could not be more excited, very excited about this new season. We got some, we got Andy Richter, we got Alex Earl, a couple of that. The Secret Lives of Mormon Wives. It's just going to be a good season. I just feel it. And you know, it's always been a goal of mine to be on Dancing with the Stars. One, because I'm a star and two, I can dance. Um, so I, I thought that they would have asked me this season because after I did Alex Cooper's show in LA in the spring, you know, all the heads of Hulu were there and Disney. And I met one of the main guys who's like the executive producer, Dancing with the Stars. And I told him I was ready and he said, this is great to know. We'll be in contact with your agents. And then I don't think anybody called now. It could have been that they're, you know, they're giving me this fall off because I have such a jam packed tour and those were obligations that I already signed up for. But I'm hoping next year I'm planting the seed because I think I would absolutely crush Dancing with the Stars. I'm limber, I'm, I love glitter, I look great in tights. I Could put my legs over my head. I can do the splits, I can do the wobble, and I can cha cha slide like a motherfucker. So anybody who's watching, please know that I am going to be training. I am really about to take my exercise, my dance, just my physical fitness to the next level. Because one, Jesus is coming, and two, I got a trip to Japan I'd like to do. But anyhow, that's where we're at. We're all kind of all over the place today. I flew back from Los Angeles yesterday. We are going to do a full Emmys red carpet and after parties. Recap. So much to discuss. Had a very successful week of work in la. Got to shoot a really fun show with David Chang and Fortune Feimster. I did his cooking show, which was a ton of fun. And then it was immediately into Emmy's prep. And Emmy's prep is intense. So, you know, I said this last week, but shout out to all of the journalists. Shout out to all the people on the red carpet. It's a really intense job and I really kind of have it in a nice, cushy way. Cause I'm with either. Um, and that's obviously one of the coveted interviews that you want to do. I have celebrities coming up to me. Shout out to all of the rogue journalists that are behind these. Like, I have this big platform and it looks much bigger on television. I'd say it's a large, small, tiny platform. Like, we're all squished together in a, I don't know, maybe a three foot by three foot space. It's insane how they put lighting cameras, three producers, and I have, you know, hair and makeup just smushed in the corner, sweating. It's pretty intense. But compared to what the other real rogue journalists have, they are. They're all have a. I mean, it's shoulder length. However wide they are shoulder width, that's how long. That's the amount of space that they have. And they're actually at an angle. So cut that in half. And they're behind these fake hedges asking people for interviews. So I really have to, you know, take my hat off to all the. The young journalists out there who are absolutely out there getting yelling at celebrities. Walton, Goggins. Walton, come here, Come here. I got a question for you. So shout out to them. Really, really doing the tough work. But it's a lot of prep folks. Don't realize you have 300 cards of people that you possibly might get to interview. And, you know, you have to feel out their mood, what's going on? You're dealing with their publicist. Their publicist might come up and say, don't ask. You can absolutely not ask a single thing about the new season of their new show. You know, it's tight lipped. Or don't ask them a fashion question or you must ask them a fashion question. So there's a lot of different moving parts to the formula now. The way that they had the carpet set up this year didn't make a lot of sense and really kind of the interviews. So what happened was the carpet is I don't even know how. You know, I'm not good with explaining how far something is. Say it's like a football field length and it's all the different news outlets and media outlets lined up. So all those celebrities would have to come in, they'd have to walk the entire carpet and get to photos first. So that's where you're doing the step and repeat and you know, you have the getty images there taking your photos. So the way that they set it up before it was always you would take all your photos and then do all the interviews and then go inside to the actual event. Well, the way it was set up was backwards. So all the celebrities had to walk a football field in the blazing fucking heat. It was insanely hot. And when we did the rehearsal the day before, I was like, oh, this is going to be nice. It was a cool breeze. I said, this is not going to be that bad. No, no, no, no, no. By the time one o' clock hit and we got on the carpet in la, the sun was blazing. It felt like a terrarium, like just a, just an actual sweat box. The, the carpet runs the full length of the press area. So. And it was like a thick kind of maroon carpet that was just trapping the heat. And then they had all these coverings, these tarp coverings. So that was then pushing the heat. You were just getting hit with sweat from every angle. It was disgusting. Everybody had their own fans. By the time celebrities got to me, they had melted. It was a shit show. But the way they fucked everything up was you had to walk the entire football field. So you're already sweating. You had to know traipsing around, your dogs are barking, your bunions are swollen. You would go to the air conditioning, air conditioned tent for the photos. And then a lot of the celebrities are like this. We don't want to go back and do press. They maybe jump to like one news outlet did one interview and they're like we want to be inside in the air conditioning. So usually how it works is I get on the carpet at like 1 o'. Clock. 2 o' clock is when the official carpet opens. Or maybe I, I, I pushed it an hour, but regardless. And I usually do an hour of interviews. I'll get like 40 interviews back to back to back to back. And then we go live and then we're, we're splicing in some of the interviews that we got with the live interviews. And so you get, I usually get hit for an hour and just, I, I'm literally standing there like my brain is fried, my body's rattled, I'm sweating. I'm just back to back to back interviews. And I was standing around for like a good hour going, guys, am I doing something wrong? Like, where is everybody? And it was because everyone's just hanging air conditioned tent. And then once we went live, we started to get a bunch of hits. Zuri, who is one of my co hosts, she was just slammed because everyone buddy went back to the front. She's in position one. So she's getting slammed back to back to back. And then by the time they got to me, either he already picked it up or they were like, we're tired, it's hot, we're uncomfortable. But the people that I did get to interview who are so much fun, Megan Stalter on Hacks, I just adore her. She was so lovely and it was so great to meet her in person. She was, she just gave a great interview. It's so refreshing when you meet celebs who are funny and fun. And she was like, let's make this campy. And, and she was who she was, which is just ridiculously funny. So I had a great time interviewing her. Parker Posey was an absolute fucking dream. Parker was just like, it's so hot, Heather. It's so hot. I was like, I know. And she's in custom Valentino. And we did the interview with her live and we were both just dripping. And she's like, heather, we got to keep the fan up. This is insane. It's wild when the curtain comes down and people really just are themselves. And to see everyone's mascara just fully running down their face, to see everyone blotting their, their privates and their pits because they're just in gorgeous silk diamond encrusted gowns that have now have sweat stains on them. I mean, all the men were in velvet suits and they were just absolutely destroyed. It was truly a humbling experience. They should have had misters out there. I mean, it was really wild how the heat was just having everybody melt down. So, you know, people were coming up for their interview, blotting the top of their lip, just like, I'm sorry if I smell. I'm like, I'm sorry if I smell. We were all just very feral on this red carpet because of the heat. But Parker Posey was just an absolute dream. I mean, just adored her. Quinta Brunson was incredible. I got to meet Sharon Horgan, who I just adore. She's in one of my favorite TV shows of all time with Rob Delaney, Catastrophe. And then, of course, she's stars in and created the show. She was nominated for Bad Sisters, which is incredible. So I got to meet a lot of people that I just truly adore. But one of the people that I absolutely fanned out about is Edie Patterson. She plays Judy Gemstone on the Gemstones. And the night before the Emmys, they have this party called the Night before Party. Anybody who's nominated, anybody who's even remotely touches that atmosphere of the Emmys and television production goes to this party. It is the wildest party. And Edie was at the party, and I was there with Jen. And I. I just went up to her and I said, edie, I need you to know something. I adore you. You have been robbed. You needed to have been nominated for your role as Judy Gemstone. This is some bullshit. She is one of those comic female character actors that every other woman in the biz just. Just absolutely adores and looks up to. I. I love her so much. Couldn't have been more gracious, Couldn't have been cooler. Just a humble queen, cool woman. And I was fully fanning out on her. Like, Jen and I were doing that thing where we're talking over each other and we're just like, should we just love you and do the jump, J. And you should be nominated for everything, and you're great in this. And she couldn't have taken it in in a more beautiful, gracious way, but she's a baddie. And I said, that is somebody who I'm absolutely putting on the top of the vision board to work with is her, because she's just fucking cool. So run into Retta, who is, you know, the love of my life. Retta is having such a good time at the night before party, and I go up to her and I give her. She's sitting on a couch, and I give her a big hug, and she's like, what's up? And she had no idea it was me. Like, it wasn't registering. And so then she's having a good time, drinking, like, feeling herself. I see her beeline for the dj, and I'm like, oh, Red is in the zone. Retta is in the zone. And we ran into her friend Ro, who's always with her. And next thing you know, from the windows to the walls come on. And Red is in this gorgeous pink organza top, and she just has her hands in the. And she's feeling herself. And I'm like, this is what these parties are all about. It's getting to see my insane friends in this industry let their hair down and have a good time. And that just felt. Just gave me the warmest, yummiest feeling inside. Ran into Whitney Cummings, and we were laughing. She's just a dream and a doll. And we're laughing because. So this is all TV stars, right? And obviously, since television has really blown up, and I know that that sounds insane to say, but back in the day, there was a difference. You were either a TV star or a movie star. But movie stars always reign supreme. And now in this day of television, where everybody watches TV and consumes it in such a, you know, with a ferocious appetite, the way that we consume programs, it's different. The tables have turned a little bit. So I'm standing there with Jen Miranda Cosgrove, Whitney Cumming, and we see JLO walk by with her publicist. And JLo has on a weave that goes down to her ass. And she's glowing. I mean, she's truly one of the prettiest people you've ever seen in person. You're like, no, okay. And also, so is Whitney. When you see Whitney in person, you just say, there's not a. She doesn't have a pore. Her body is chiseled. It's very unfair. And I'm like, did we just see JLo? Like, what is JLo, a movie star, doing at a TV party? And we were laughing so hard, and she's walking around the room with her publicist, and I'm like, if JLO has to work a tv, oh, how the mighty have fallen. In the sense that everyone is out here hustling, like, I know I'm working these rooms, trying to talk to producers and directors and like, can I be in your show? Can I be in your show? Here's my business card. I mean, I am actively whoring myself out for auditions and job opportunities in television. But we were like, if JLO is working the room, guys, it's over for the rest of us. She's out here being like, hey, anybody want to put me in the new Ryan Murphy American Horror Story show? Because, like, movies are not doing what they used to do. I mean, everyone in the biz right now is grasping for straws. And then you also see the other side of it of people who are having unbelievable success and you're like, I don't know where I fit in, but just somebody cast me in fucking something. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs and to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. 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Again, all you got to do is go to carawayhome.com absolutely not or use code absolutely not at checkout. Now back to the podcast. Back to the red carpet. It was hot. Everyone was hiding in the cool tents, and I was so excited. And I don't know if the interview aired, but I got to interview Jeff Hiller, who won for best supporting actor for his role in Somebody Somewhere. And he has. I used to watch him do improv at UCB back in the day. And I. And I got to tell him thank you for being my improv coach. He, like, subbed in one day for one of my improv teams. And it's just really cool to see people that taught you comedy start to win these awards. And I know, I think that that win for him was pretty unexpected. So big shout out to Jeff, Jeff Hiller for just his incredible work and how kind he was to me. He's just such a cool dude. Who else we run into? Oh, I ran into Connor and Tanner at the Netflix party. My babies. They were so wonderful. I got to see. See their families. I got to see their moms. We were all laughing and having a great time. And Tanner was so funny. Like, Nikki, his mom, was like, he's done. She's like, we, we. We tore up the dance floor. But I think I showed up to the Netflix party around like, 11, and she was like, he's done. We're going home. I was like, y', all go kick your feet up. Ran into them. Ran into Leanne at some of the parties. She's so great and sweet. So it was just fun. And so let me walk you through how these parties work after. So I wrap up the red carpet, the live show starts. I run back to my hotel, I start watching the show live and shout out to Nate. Nate did the most incredible job hosting. I. I thought he just absolutely crushed it. So I'm watching the show live, and then I basically had to do a horse bath because I had sweat so much through that beautiful blue gown I wore. So I'm in there doing a horse bath. I can't get the hair wet. But I have to totally wash off all my makeup to. To start from scratch so that Trace can beat a new face for a new look. Because everybody changes after the Emmys. And then you go to the after party, and I'm like, a new look. So you sit for two hours, you shovel food down your throat, you redo your glam, you put on some new, new deodorant, you get redressed. And then as soon as the Emmys are done, everybody gets let out. And then all the celebs, you know, scurry like little bugs to their next party. And you usually have like three or four parties in a row to go to. So I went to the Disney Hulu party first. Oh, wait, side note, hold on. I'm getting ahead of myself. I'm walking out the door, going to my first party. Who walks in the door but Jean Smart and Jennifer Coolidge. Jennifer Coolidge and I had the exact same hairstyle. And we're both in, like off the shoulder black bodycon dresses. And we're walking from the elevator together to the door, and Jen is crying, laughing. She's like, heather, you two literally look alike. And we're both kind of like hobbling along. Cause our feet already hurt because we've been standing in heels all. And I was like, this is just a moment. Like, if I could get the footage, the security footage from the hotel of us hobbling, step in step together in that lobby, it would just be an iconic moment on the Internet. I really think I need to call the hotel and see if they'll release that. And I got to see Jean Smart carrying her Emmy. And the wild thing is, when you win an Emmy, you carry the Emmy around to the parties all night. It doesn't matter if it's 3 o' clock in the morning and you're on your fifth party and your 12th tequila, you carry that bad boy around. And I love that. Like, forget your purse. You're carrying that Emmy. That is your rite of passage. Doesn't matter if you end up at In N Out or at the er. It does not matter. You carry that Emmy. So Jean's walking around with her Emmy. And the first party I went to was the Disney Hulu party, which is amazing because, uh, we sold a show to Hulu. So I'm, you know, I'm going there and I'm working the room and I'm seeing all the execs, and I'm like, okay, we saw that person. We said, hi over here. You know, you're Doing the thing. But it's wild to be at a lot of these parties because you'll be talking to someone who you think you're actively engaged in a conversation with. And it is such the LA thing to do. They're looking. They're talking to you, but then they're also looking over your shoulder and scanning the room for JLo, for somebody who is far more famous. So it's great when you talk to other comics, because we're so over this shit. We're just, like, actually engaging and making eye contact and having a meaningful, loving conversation. But talking to some of the actors, it was just hysterical. But that's la. That's just how it goes. And you know that that's a part of the biz and it is what it is. But I got to see a lot of our fun execs that we love and adore at Hulu. And what's great is every party, you judge the party on. On. On the catering, right? And so you go to the Disney party, and when I tell you they have, like, the top 10 restaurants of Los Angeles having little outposts so you can go around. I went to Bao Babe. I had the best truffle short rib dumpling I've ever had in my life. Okay, I've never heard this place. Let me look up Bao Babe. Really, what I do is just market research for the restaurants that I want to try next time I'm in la. I had this place. Let me look it up. Bao Babe of LA Los Angeles. Where is their location? You need to go there. They have a dumpling omakaze. Just follow the Bao Babe in Los Angeles. Best bao dumplings I've ever had in my life. So you go over there. And then they had the. I think it was found oysters or found seafood. They had a fresh raw bar. Then you go in the back, they're making homemade pizzas. Then you go in the corner, and they're passing out, like, little tostadas with hamachi crudo on it. When I tell you, I walk in the first party and we're starving. I mean, I've got three plates. So the way you time it out is you walk in, you do the step and repeat. You take a couple photos, and then you're like, all right, I'm going to take 15 minutes. I'm going to shovel as much food as I can into my mouth, and then I'm going to go to the bathroom, clean my teeth, get. Get an aperol spritz. And then I got to work the room. And I got to shake all the hands of the execs who literally have my future in the palm of their fucking hands. But luckily we've got good people that are. That are cradling my future. So after we wrapped that party, then we went to Netflix. Had to, you know, cause a scene there. Then I. I get it. I think I had two sliders and a little cup of. Of french fries with a gorgeous little french fry, kind of spicy aioli at the bottom. Ooh, I'm getting hungry just thinking about it. Then we pivoted and went to Napergetzi. He had a after party shout out to his wife Laura, who I love and adore, who invited me. And then I see red there and, you know, Whitney again, and it's a bunch of comics and Leanne's there, and it was just great. And so that was the last party. By the time I got to that party, though, I wasn't even drunk. I think I had like two apparel spritz that entire night because I was just exhausted. You have to realize these days when you're working the carpet, Europe at 7 in hair and makeup by 8, you're taking photos by 12 on the carpet by 1, you wrap at 5, then you got to watch the show so you know who won. And. And then you go to all the different parties. It's just, it's non stop. And there's so much overstimulation and social interaction. And it's also a real roller coaster of emotion. You're talking to people about their hopes and their dreams, and you're interviewing them about what this night means to them. And I hate to make it more dramatic than it seems, but once you are done, once you come down from the adrenaline rush of doing live interviews and then you're sitting in the chair and you get maybe like 30 minutes of quiet while you're redoing glam. It's all still very glamorous, but it's also really not. So by the time I get to the Last party at 1am, I'm standing there and I. And I ordered a Coke. I was like, I need a Coke on ice. I need a little caffeine and I need a touch of sugar because now my blood sugar has dropped because I've had 45 fucking dumplings and sliders. And I'm standing there and I'm talking to Retta and literally Jen was like, heather, Heather, are you okay? And I realize I'm standing with a drink, my eyes are crushed and I'm in Again, I go. And I realized. I think I fell asleep standing up. That's the point where I was at. And I cannot wait. I cannot wait for the moment in my career where I'm either hosting the Emmys or I'm presenting. And I'm just going to the award show in a beautiful way. And I'm so grateful for the job I have right now. It's incredible. I love what I'm doing, and it's truly, like, for somebody who has been a TV and Hollywood nerd, like, this is what I love. I love television. I love meeting all the actors. I got to meet Christopher Maloney from Law and Order svu. I'm seeing Mariska Hargitay on the carpet. Like, I'm getting to interview people who I adore, and I love their work, and I'm still such a fan of television. But, man, I really can't wait for the day where I get to show up, I'm interviewed on the carpet, and then I get to go inside, eat some peanut M&M's, have a glass of wine while the show's rolling, and, you know, maybe win an award. I wouldn't also be mad at that. I would not be mad at winning awards as well. But by the time I got to that last party, you know, no one was home. Lights were on. The lights weren't even on. The lights had been dimmed, and I. I was fully had, fully disassociated. And that's the last part is the party you really need to be alive for. And I was just, tink, tink, tink, tink. And so about 1:45, I said, I have to get up and catch a flight tomorrow. I'm done. My feet are done. They're swollen. It got to a point where you could not differentiate my calves from my legs and my toes. And, you know, I have tiny ankles, like a full cankle, full swollen feet. My rings, I had all this fancy jewelry on. I couldn't get them off, and I started to panic, and I said, I gotta go home. But anywho, it was another successful Emmys. And I feel so blessed and grateful that I get to be in this industry where, you know, there's a. There's a lot of. It's so hard to make it in the industry. So just to be able to be there and. And see my buddies who are also trying to make it in the industry who have also had a ton of success, I don't know, it just makes you feel like, all right, we're all feeling the exact same way. But we had a great time. So feel very blessed for that gig. Truly love what I do. But it was interesting. It was, it was, I mean, best way to describe it was a lighter lift. It just was not as. It was chaotic in a sense that we didn't fully know what was going on, but because everyone was hiding in the air conditioned tent, it was a slower, slower afternoon. So it's like a hurry up rush to get there. And then we spent two hours melting in the sun, but grateful for that job. And shout out to the entire crew at E. I have the best team. I have the best producers, cameramen, sound. Everybody is just awesome. And we all hovered together in this sweat box under this tent for, you know, four hours together. So I feel very blessed. But there wasn't a lot of, like, drama there. Everyone was polite. People were just hot and sweaty and thirsty and really excited to get inside. So I respected that. I was pretty cool though. Evan Ross Katz, who we love on Instagram, he reposted a couple of my interviews, which was very fun. And, you know, I'm getting the hang of it again. We're in different times. I'm a comic who's been hired essentially to do like, journalism, which is not my strong suit. I would like to have more just organic, off the cuff conversations where I would also like to be able to do more comedy. Roasting people is what I would really love to do. But the times have changed, so I am trying to figure out my footing and where I fit in. And I also want people in the industry to know that, like, hey, you can come to me. We can have a good time. It's going to be lighthearted. It's never supposed to be mean. And I would like to be able to get a little more, A little more sassy with some folks, if you know what I mean. But. Okay, what's going on? Let's do a quick pivot before we get into the voicemails. So I am going to be in Milwaukee and Minneapolis this weekend. Minneapolis is sold out. Milwaukee. If you were unable to come see me in Chicago, come see me in Milwaukee. We still have tickets at Heather on tour dot com. I think it's an hour and a half drive. Get a party bus, get a dd or just come up yourself and pack some snacks. But come. We have plenty of tickets left in Milwaukee, but Minneapolis is sold out, so I don't want to hear it in Minneapolis. So if you are unable to come see us, please come see us. If you're unable to Come see us in Chicago. Please come see us in Milwaukee. Also Jacksonville. I am coming to Jacksonville in Tampa. If you originally bought tickets to Tampa, we had to move that show from Saturday to Thursday the 9th. So I'll be in Tampa on Thursday the 9th and then Jacksonville Friday the 10th. We still have tickets, so please get your tickets atheather on tour.com. those shows are always sold out. I know fall is back in swing. I know kids are back to school and there's a lot going on. But that will be a Thursday, Friday show back to back, Tampa and Jacksonville. Get your tickets, heather on tour.com and then I'll be going to Vegas for the unwell weekend, which is going to be so much fun. I can't wait to meet all the housewives because Paris Hilton, Trisha Paytas, Megan Salter will be there. It's going to be a wild weekend and I'm very much so looking forward to that. I'm getting all my outfits for that. I'm very excited, very excited. What else is happening? Wishing I was on Dancing with the Stars. Going to manifest that for next season and just, you know, pumped. The shows have been so much fun. This, this tour I'm having the most fun I've had in a really long time. So thank you guys for coming out and just being the fricking best. And for, for Vegas, we're going to do something totally different. We're kind of combining the worlds of the unwell and all the, the star power that's going to be there. And then I'm going to be doing stand up with crowd work and mixing around and so it's going to be a really different fun show and I'm excited for you all to come out to that. And also, dude, we're going to be at like the pool parties. Paris Hilton's DJing and I'm throwing out. Show me your moomoo. You know what I mean? Like, it's gonna be legit. But yeah, I'm, I'm having so much fun on the road. There are so many balls in the air right now. Like, I, I have felt a little discombobulated. I've had to take some mental health days and just try and figure out what, what is up from down and that's okay. But the Emmys prep, I'm doing the writer cup. We're going to be on the road. I'm still maintaining this podcast. So just understand every day is so different and the amount of travel and the amount of different things I do in a week is Such a cool blessing. And I. And I love what I do, but, man, sometimes your brain can truly feel rattled. You know, it's like, study the prep for the Emmys while also having to do a podcast while also auditioning, while also making sure that your hour is tight for the shows that you have the next week. There's just a lot of parts, a lot of brand deals, a lot of things going on. So some days I just have to be like, all right, let's take a breath. Let's put everything in order of importance, because it's not like I do the same job every day, which is great. Okay, Someone's going to get upset and say, I'm complaining, but I'm grateful. This is one bitch who listens to this podcast, and anytime I try and just explain to you, like, my schedule or where I'm at, emotionally, she's like, I'm so sick of hearing how to say she's busy. But grateful. Why am grateful? I don't want anybody to think I'm not. I am. But I'm also a little overworked, but I'm afraid to say that out loud because I don't want anything to be taken away from me. So here we are. Okay, I'll just shut the fuck up. I get sent a lot of stuff to try, and when I got cure, it was a. An absolute game changer. Okay? I'm talking about healthy hydration and the cure difference. You just feel the difference. It's the cleanest way to hydrate. Cure is made with clean ingredients and zero added sugar, giving you pure hydration without any of the junk. Only 25 calories, preserving, no added sugars or artificial sweeteners. Just clean, natural hydration that keeps you feeling energized without the crash. I have one of the watermelon flavors in my water right now, and it is freaking delicious. Cure is doctor approved and safe for the whole family, from adults to kids ages one and up. It's refreshing and has delicious taste. It has really nice, balanced flavors. Nothing too sweet or artificial. So some of the flavors that I have right now in my drawer is the berry pomegranate, the strawberry kiwi, the lemonade, the watermelon truffle, tropical punch, blood orange, and lime. My two favorites are the lemonade and the watermelon. That's just like a flavor that I constantly go back to again and again, but they're all really delicious. And cure is helpful for those who struggle to drink enough water. You know, my mom drinks, like, zero water, so what I'LL do is I'll make her a little Stanley or yeti cooler in the morning. I'll put one of the her favorite flavors in there. And she was, I know, like my sweet mom will actually stay hydrated through the day. So here's the deal. Hydration goes beyond just drinking water. It's about replenishing the electrolytes we lose through sweat, sleep, alcohol and daily activities. Water alone isn't enough to do the job. That's why you need to try cure, the electrolyte drink mix that tastes as amazing as it makes you feel. So for absolutely not listeners, Cure is offering 20 off your first order. Stay hydrated and feel your best by visiting cure hydration.com Absolutely. And use promo code Absolutely at checkout. That's cure hydration.com Absolutely. And use code Absolutely for 20% off your first order. All right, let's get real about our poor overworked livers for a second. This thing is busting its ash 247 while we're out here living our best lives. All right? And that's I want you to know about Liver md. Okay? I am introducing Liver MD by one MD Nutrition. Because honestly, we could all use a little help in the recovery department. This award winning formula wasn't whipped up in someone's kitchen. It was developed by an actual GI doctor with patented clinical studied forms of milk thistle and vitamin E. I got sent this product. I said I'm going to try it. I'm not really drinking right now, but I've already over indulged and overdone it plenty of times before. And let me tell you what, it just made me feel like I was zip zopping through life. And one of the reasons I love it, and I'm not just saying this because 90% of users rate liver MD better than competitors and 80% saw legit improvements in their liver test results, plus better energy and mental clarity. But I will say over 1.5 million people are already giving their livers the support they deserve. Don't be the friend who's always complaining about feeling like garbage. Do something about it with Liver MD. Head to 1md.org and use code absolutely for 15% off your order. Again, you're going to head to 1md.org and use Code Absolutely for 15% off your first order of LiverMD. It's really a game changer. I think you're going to love it. And if there's one thing that you can feel confident about adding into your daily routine, it's LiverMD. So again, head to 1md.org and use code absolutely for 15% off your first order of LiverMD. There's nothing worse than when you've worked a very long day and then you come home and you experience dinner dread. Right? That's the anxiety and the feeling that one gets when trying to decide what to eat for dinner or what to make for dinner each night beginning around 4pm and although it can hit at any time, dinner dread drink grows and grows until it's ultimately solved. So why I love Stouffer is because Stouffer is just the relief. It's the solution to dinner dread. And Stouffer has a diverse selection of meals from classic favorites like their lasagna that is truly one of a kind Mac and cheese to innovate their air fryer entrees and sides so they have convenient satisfying options whenever you need them. So when the clock strikes dinner, think Stouffer's. Stouffer's has your favorite tasting meal right when you need it. I always go for the Stouffer's lasagna. It's something that I can keep in the freezer, I can heat up quickly and it is a classic, it is a staple hit. And my Italian husband always loves the Stouffer's lasagna. And obviously, you know, I love the Mac and cheese. I did a commercial for them and we went all across America handing out boxes of their Mac and cheese. It doesn't get better than that. You can find Stouffer's in the freezer aisle today or you can purchase off the website. Stouffer's just has your favorite tasting meal right when you need it. Now back to the podcast. Let's get to the voicemails because I want to hear what you guys have been up to. As always, you can call into the hotline, 800-213-7503. No, I love to hear from you guys. Call into the absolutely not line. Let's get into it.
B
Hi Heather, I would like to remain anonymous. I am calling from Minnesota and I have a question about my soon to be sister in law. She set me up with my current fiance and she has been awful to me basically since she did that, she has said that I'm trying to fuck her husband, which is my fiance's brother. She's been gossiping about me to everyone we know and she's also told me when we like first started dating that I shouldn't be with the guy she set me up with, which is now my fiance. Anyway, ever since we got engaged, she's just like, crawled up my ass so far I could spit her out. She wants to plan the wedding. She's super involved. She just like started talking to me as soon as she found out we were getting engaged. Like I said, I don't know really what to do with her. I feel like I'm setting myself up by like letting her plan and do all these things. So anyway, I would love the help. Thanks so much. Love you. Bye.
A
Okay. Anonymous caller. Thank you for calling in. This is a real conundrum. I'm also very confused. So she's going to be your sister in law. So it's obviously her brother. She set you guys up, but is now pissed that you're engaged and she now thinks that you're trying to her husband. Okay, I. I'm going to tell you something. I don't think you're ready for this. I think she loves you. Oh, no. Oh, no. I think she's in love with you. Hear me out. And other lesbians, feel free to chime in. She set you up with her brother because she wanted you to stay close. She doesn't even love her husband. She loves you. She's involved in the wedding. She's now trying to play this weird manipulation tactic to tell you not to marry him. I'm very confused. She set you up with them. It's her flesh and blood. And now she's like, he's a bad guy. This was to keep you close. It's like, keep your friends close and your enemies closer. Well, she loves you. And we may be to the point where she wants to skin you and wear you. And I've actually been in a situation like that. I didn't know I had a friend who may have loved me in a way that I did not know. I'm naive, okay? I got a bible for people with ADHD the other day. I'm really hanging on by a thread. I did not know. And finally one of my buddies was like, dude, you know she's weird around you because she has a crushing. I was like, no, the. She doesn't. I think she did. And it was similar behavior. It was similar behavior. Okay. It could also. We could flip the coin. She also may be one of those girls who's in love with her brother, which is even weirder. It's not weird. If she has a crush on you and she's just a closet lesbian and married a dude. That's fine. That happens all the time. You know it. Sometimes for us women, it takes us a little bit later in life to figure out what's good for us. And that's fine. We love a late in life lesbian. But the fact that she's saying that you want to fuck her husband, that doesn't add up. Makes no sense to me. Because you're dating her brother, huh? I'm confused. Or, or she's in love with her brother. Now I have a couple girlfriends, my husband, I love, my sister in law, she's great. She's a twin and they are very opposite. So never had to worry about that. Shout out to Jessica. But I'll tell you what, I've had some other girlfriends who have had sister in laws that definitely there's some sort of weird complex there. The way that they kind of idolize the brothers in a, in a sense where it's like, oh no, they touch them a lot. It's weird. It's not a normal brother sister relationship. I have had girlfriends where I have observed, I said, oh, somebody, Kathy has a crush on Jimmy. Something's weird there. So you gotta suss this situation out either way. It's absolutely not that she is up your ass about the wedding. And I would maybe say to her, I'd pull her aside and say, hey, Lindsay, I'm getting mixed signals here. You need to name what. The thing is, I'm confused. You set me up with your brother. You love your brother maybe too much. And now you don't want me to marry him. You've said that. I'm trying to sleep with your husband. You need to address this shit now because you're going to get married and it is not like she is going to be less up your ass. She will be, she will be at a point in your colon where it will then lead to the stomach and it will become a cancer. So you need to take the parasite and nip it off at the head. Right now you need to sit her down, pour a glass of wine and say, hey, I'm feeling bad energy from you. I'm confused. Do you want me to marry him? Do you not want me to marry him? Either way, it's not your choice. I'm marrying him. This is my fiance. But why do you think I'm trying to fudge your husband? If somebody was actively going around saying that I wanted to fudge their husband, I would be like, ring, ring. Hello bitch. Ring, ring. What do you mean? I talk about this in my new hour. I'm not trying to fudge anybody's husband because you girlies already tell me what your husbands do. And it's not that I want to shine up for. Okay? I don't care if they are Jean Claude Van Damme, I'm not interested. I know too much. I know too much. If, if, if somebody started a rumor that I was actively trying to break up a marriage or have sex with her husband, I'd be like, knock, knock, knock. Hello, bitch. I would be brawling in the yard. And it's odd, it's even weirder that it's your sister in law. Something's not right there. You need to break some bread and break some boundaries. You need to get up there and say, we need to talk about this. This, this is not adding up. And also, she does not need to be involved in planning your wedding. And if she introduced you, you clearly were friends at some point, so something has gotten lost in translation. And I, and I try and give you sound advice right now, but you need to nip this in the bud because it's only going to get worse when you get married. Okay? Do you understand what we're dealing with? Good. Lock it up. Let's get to the next voicemail.
B
Hi, Heather, this is Katie calling from Providence, Rhode island. And I just have a really great. Absolutely. Girl boss. Yes. For you. I have worked in yacht sales for the last five years and my last boss wouldn't let me ever sell anything. And I could only do office work. And I just finished up the Newport boat show this weekend and I sold my first boat. And so that's a big buck. You to all the haters who said I couldn't do it. And here I am running my own sales company and. Yeah, absolutely, yes. Shout out to all the girl bosses out there. Love and light. Tiramisu, bitch.
A
Tiramisu, bitch. Love and light. I'm sorry, I didn't realize we had yachts sales women listening to the pod. Okay, Hottie thoughty yachties. And you know, that is so typical boat sales. That is so typical boat sales for the man running the yacht store to be like, let me just keep the, the bad bitches in the backs next to the fax machine. That's how it usually goes. So you had to go to a different yacht company and say, let me put them titties on the lido deck and let me start selling. Let me start selling. And what did you do? You gotta sail in Newport this weekend, bitch. Why? Because you're a baddie. If I'm gonna buy anything from anyone, it's gonna be a woman. And I have been saying this for quite some time now, but if we got rid of Men selling cars and just had women selling cars. I would buy the first one on the lot if a named Trish told me it ran right. Do you know how many car dealerships I, I, I went to before I started working with Audi? And they would literally say, I would go in, I would test drive the car and they'd say so? And I'd be like, this is the one I want. I walked out of a Lexus dealership here in Atlanta because the guy said, do you need to discuss it with your husband? Huh? And I get it. This man was older. I get it's a different generation. I said, sir, I'm cutting the jet. I ain't got to call Papa J for nothing. I mean, I did call him in the car and say, do you think I should get cognac leather and or a light dusty sand? And he said, cognac, bitch. And I said, that's right. But either way, did I need to get called Jeff for approval? I did not. But because we have a supportive relationship, I do like when he chimes in, dude, I can't even afford a boat. But if I was in Newport and had a couple drinks at brunch and you were standing next to a nice, I don't know, hundred footer with a for sale sign and some sort of St. John pant suit with a roll up turkey sandwich on display on the boat, you say, come on, come aboard. Come check out this boat I'm selling. I'd write you a bad check for that boat. I sure would. I'd be like, you're checking off everything on the list. And I don't know how many times I, I have to say this, I am the easiest person to sell to. You come to me with a even a half assed sales pitch, some enthusiasm, a little twinkle in the eye, and just a hint of desperation and I will give you all of my monies. But I love the fact that you, you never let somebody keep you down. You said, okay, you know what, we're going to pivot. This other yacht company is not letting me lead my life to the full potential that I know I can live it. So you jump ship, literally, you jump ship to a better ship. And now you're making them y yacht sales commissions. You talk about somebody who's going to Italy next summer. You are girlfriend, because I know that was a fat check. I always say I hate performing in Fort Lauderdale because I'm always down there during the boat show and everyone is so fucking out of their mind. But the last shows I did in Fort Lauderdale. I was obsessed with everyone. It was so much fun. And I want to go to a boat show. I don't know enough about boating, even though I hosted a cruise. But it is a goal of mine to own a boat. You know, where's my. Do I have my captain's hat? Oh, here's my captain's hat. One of the many captain's hats. I would love to be a boat owner. Obviously, the name of the boat would be Absolutely not K and O T. And we'd have a. We'd have an airbrushed photo of myself and Miss Piggy holding hands into the sunset. And it would be great. But any bitch. You can sell a yacht, honey, we're just beginning at yachts. Next thing, you're going to be selling sales to spa. You're going to be selling seats to space. And actually, years ago, we had a girl who came into SoulCycle who. That was her job. She would sell. I think it was when Virgin Galactic, that's. I think she worked for Richard Branson. And she would come in and I remember asking her one day, I was like, what exactly do you do? She's like, I sell seats to outer space. And I remember standing there in the lobby of SoulCycle going, yes, that bitch does. Good for her. I don't know if she's still doing it, but either way, women can sell anything. And I love that you got out, you jumped ship to a better ship, baby, and you're doing the damn thing. And never forget who you are. Absolutely fricking yes. Get to the next voicemail.
B
All right, Heather, I have an absolutely not for you. And I don't think you're going to be prepared for this one. Let me walk you through this scenario that happened. Okay? So I'm at a girl's staycation for a birthday girl. Her name. Let's give her the name Rachel. All right, we're all having a good time with the girls at the pool, and then we go out to a nice dinner. And then by 10pm I am gassed. Like, I'm ready to go to bed. So I head back to the hotel room to go sleep. And I'm sharing a room with the birthday girl, Rachel, and then also one of the girls, Bethany. I'm just going to give her that name as well. So it's like probably 4 in the morning, and I hear this moaning and sheets rustling and like, baby talk. And I'm like, what the fuck is that? And in my mind I'm like, oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Rachel and Bethany are literally going down on each other. They're actually doing this right now. And in my head I'm like, oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. What's going on? So also, Heather, I want to point out that they're both married to men, okay? And they're both my neighbors. All right? Another thing is that Bethany has her period, too. Not only do they do this once in the middle of night, but twice. And Heather, I am actually disgusted. Like, I actually wanted to vomit in my bed and. But I am just sitting in my bed stone cold, trying not to rustle my sheets so they know I'm awake. And I'm just, like, put in this, like, horrible spot. And I feel like, am I in the episode of the Hunting Wives? And, like, also, are married women doing this with their friends? Like, is this actually a thing? Anyways, it's like 6:30 morning. I get up to go grab coffee, a juice, and, like, go on the treadmill. I call my best, best girlfriends and tell them, and they're also, like, absolutely disgusted. And then an hour later, I go up and I pack up and I had to leave. I was like, bye. And he acted like nothing happened. Like, heather, what do I do? Like, what are your thoughts?
A
Okay, first and foremost, I'm already gonna tell you right now. You were the buzzkill of the girls trip. You went to bed at 10 and got up and got on the treadmill the next day. Oh, my God. I'm on their side. Okay? So they're married. They're living their life. I do think if you were going to do anything, you know, if you were going to do anything outside your marriage, you probably should get your own hotel room. I mean, that's sketchy. That's sketchy. They wanted to be caught even. It doesn't matter how up they were. That was stupid. But I love the humble brag of, I went to bed at 10 and then I got up and got on the treadmill. Okay, okay, okay, we get it. Listen, I don't condone cheating on your spouses at all, but maybe we should have seen this coming. No pun intended. It does put you in a sticky situation. I always thought that, like, men cheated on bachelorettes or bachelor parties much more than women, but I guess, I guess all's fair in love and war, baby. I don't even know what to say. Good for them. You know? I don't. Ew. It's. It's a real moral conundrum over here because technically they did something scandalous But I guess it was better than it was in other men. I don't know. I. I don't know how to weigh, you know, balance. Well, I mean, it was wrong. They cheated on their spouses. That's wrong. Doesn't matter. But clearly there's a. I mean, listen, if you had a group of 10 women on a trip, at least two of them are going to be gay. So I just think you're a little naive and didn't see that coming. And you need to start hanging out with more lesbians. And they'll say, oh, yeah, we all knew Rachel and Bethany were gay. Come on. And like I said earlier, it takes women a little bit later in life to realize they made a mistake. Men usually realize it pretty early on, but women, we try and hold it down. We try and do it for the fam. And then the next thing you know, you're at a Hyatt Regency in Panama City going down on someone, and then you're like, oh, God, I didn't see it coming. I mean, that is wild though. And I know your ass. I know, because you went to bed early, you're up on that treadmill, and you got your little Stan. You brought your own Stanley on the girls trip that you were drinking mimosas out of all day at the be at the pool. And you were, I know you were just huffing it on that treadmill. Like, girls, girls, is everybody on the call right now? Is everyone on the call? Are you there? Okay, everybody say your name. Kelsey, Check. Michelle. Check. Caroline. Check. Emily. Check. Girls, you're never gonna believe what Bethany and Rachel did last night. Crazy. Ah, let him live. Listen, I gotta be honest with you. We are all barely hanging on mentally these days at all. So I think there are some situations where we just gotta go, whatever. Girls will be girls. It is crazy, and I do think it is. It was rude and disrespectful that they did it with you in the room. Because there's nothing scarier than waking up to, you know, moans and groans from the other, the other queen size bed. But I also think we got to cut ourselves some slack. I'm not saying what they did is justifiable, but we're also, like, really making poor decisions out in the world. And I don't think it's necessarily our fault. No, it is. We do have to take accountability for our actions. But everybody has been a little cuckoo. Everyone's teetering on, like, very close to a crash at. And I talked to a lot of folks. I was like, did everybody really enjoy their summer? And I'm not kidding you, 90% of the people I poll, they're like, yeah, I had a good summer. And then three seconds later, they're like, actually, it was, like, one of the worst summers of my life, and I felt that way as well. Like, yeah, I had a beautiful trip with Jeff, but there was also so much other weird shit going on that I was just like, this seemed oddly stressful. This fall feels oddly stressful. I mean, obviously, the weight of the world of what's going on is heavy and weird and. And. And nobody. You just every. Everything feels irky and murky. So I get why people are acting out of their character, but my guess is this was a girls trip. This had probably been planned a long time ago. You might want to check the receipts. You know what I'm saying? And at this point, men have. Men have done us so dirty for so long that I think if you were to pull a lot of married gals right now, you'd be surprised at the results. Okay? You'd be surprised. You know, we don't really have great female representation in our political system to feel like we have somebody, you know, scratching our back. So I do think you're gonna see a lot more ladies Leaning Les. Lean and Les would be a great sitcom. Oh, my God. It's like the L Word, but it would be funny. It would be like, you know, our version of Will and Grace. All right, I'm putting myself in the show because I would play a great lesbian. I am wearing a denim crop pajama jean outfit from Rag and Bone Today. So I am leaning. I'm leaning Les. Leaning Les on NBC. Well, I'm sorry that that was traumatizing for you, but I think with what's going on in the world, everyone just might have a little lesbian tryst this. This winter and just go with it. You know, I've been looking up specific facial procedures I can do in Korea for a third of the price. So I'm trying to. I'm trying to book a Korea, Japan trip back to back for the month of December. So if anybody wants to go on that trip and Lean Les, let me know. Let me know. Any who. I love you guys. I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend. Thank you for being on my Emmy's recap journey. I will be back next week, and we have a lot of fun shit coming up. Amazing shows. I'll be in Vegas. I'll be at the Ryder Cup. There's a lot going on, so please keep up. Because I can barely keep up. But I'll see you guys on the next episode. I love you. Mean it. Chow, bella, Riverdochi. Bye. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.
Absolutely Not Podcast – “Back to the Red Carpet”
Host: Heather McMahan
Original Air Date: September 17, 2025
Comedian Heather McMahan brings her signature blend of humor, chaos, and brutal authenticity as she returns from a whirlwind week in LA, giving listeners a behind-the-scenes look at her Emmys red carpet experience, celebrity encounters, and the unpredictable realities of showbiz. In classic "Absolutely Not" style, Heather shares both relatable life mishaps and listener calls, with zero topics off-limits—from wild family dynamics to girlboss wins and girls-trip scandals.
Heather’s “Back to the Red Carpet” is a wild ride through the glitz, grind, and real-life absurdity of awards season—balanced with raw listener stories and riotous takes that only she can deliver. The episode is packed with behind-the-scenes dish, hilarious self-deprecation, and heartfelt reflections on ambition, exhaustion, and living authentically—no matter how sweaty the carpet or weird the hotline gets.
Timestamps
Memorable sign-off:
“I love you. Mean it. Ciao, bella, riverdochi. Bye.”