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The following podcast is a Dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. You're watching this on YouTube and you say, heather, your eyes look a little sunken in. You look a little tired. Do you need some filler? I do. I do. It's because I just got back from St. Barth. St. Barth, okay. I was living La Vida Loca in St. Barth. Feel very blessed to have had a wonderful vacation, but we have a lot to discuss. I mean, I've been on the Bamboozled tour now for the last year and a half, and your girl almost got. I didn't almost. I got Bamboozled in the same berth. So we have a lot to break down about my vacation, about the Bamboozlement of this French island, and just in general, we got some voicemails to get to and things to talk about. So. I love you. I missed you. But I look weathered. I don't know what it is. It's like I had to drug myself to fall asleep last night, and now it is like I gotta caffeinate to get back up. And this is where we're at today. But we have a lot to discuss. So I went down to St. Bart's with a fun group of people, some friends I hadn't seen in a minute, and they were like, hey, come down. We're doing a birthday trip or our friend Lynn's. Lindsay owns Hotel Lobby Candle, and she and her husband Matt are just wonderful. And they were bringing some friends down. My buddy Brian Kelly, who you all know and love, was going on the trip. So Jeff and I thought, what a great way to go on a fabulous vacation with people who know St. Barts, like. Like, if you come to the Turks, if you go to Italy, I'm taking you on the trip. I'm gonna tell you which restaurants to go to, which hotels to stay at, you know, excursions, boat guys, cabana boys, all of it. I'm gonna tell you what to do because that's the area of expertise. That's what I know and love when it comes to St. Barts. I don't know it. She doesn't know me. I don't know her. So I was so excited to go on this fabulous trip with folks who really understood that space and that world, and damn it if we didn't have a great time. But let me tell you right out the gate. All right. St. Barts is. It's unbelievably gorgeous. It's beautiful. It has fabulous restaurants. The food is fantastic. And because it's a French island, you are getting fabulosity. You're getting European, absolute fabulosity the entire time. You're just like, everyone's chic and looks gorgeous and you know, there's money. You get on that island and it smells like money. But everywhere you go, it does not matter what restaurant you're at. It's a day club. It's a nightclub. You cannot sit in a booth and have a petite filet without somebody, without a DJ with an air horn. Be like, here, here. I mean, everywhere you go, you're basically forced to stand up and dance on the tables. Now, we all love a Mamma Mia moment, okay? We all love a dinner theater experience. But there's finally one night I was like, I just want to sit and have a quiet dinner. Like, I want to eat outside and then go to the club later after the food's digested. My Montenegro on the rocks has kicked in and I'm ready to start taking shots of tequila. Ok, we had such a great experience, but we go to this place called Le T. And I don't know if we even need to bleep out the name of this club, because I want to go back. Like, I'm ready for my second experience. But this is where we got bamboozled. So you're not eating dinner till 9 o'. Clock. Again, very European. We walk in and it's a total show. It's a dinner theater experience. Fabulous cabaret dancers. It's sexy, it's dark. And we're at this gorgeous table right by the main stage, and I'm kind of scanning the room for some local celebs. You know, I'm thinking, might see. See a model, an actor in the corner. But no. Who's sitting at the table next to us? None other than my boy Todd, who owns Raising Cane's Chicken. So we sit down and I grab my husband's arm and I'm like, it's Raising Cane's. He's like, what? Huh? I can't hear you. I'm like, raising Cane's is at that table. My husband, of course, is like, you're the only fucking person on this island that would recognize the owner and founder of Raising Cane's. But I was geeking out because love the chicken, love the sauce. You know, I perform at the raising can every time I'm in Baton Rouge, so I was geeking out. So we're at this table, the show begins, and we start to order food. All right? So, you know, we're lucky. The food was delicious. But we're getting little bites of things. They send over chicken tenders with caviar on it. I mean, that's what we're dealing with, guys. So I'm like, you know what? I'm leaning back. I'm letting other people order. I'm not being a restaurant bully. I'm letting everybody else do the work that they so want to do. Cause momma's throwing her hands up. This isn't her vacation, right? So the little bites of food are starting to come out. And that's the thing. I'm like, okay, somebody obviously already severely under ordered. Like, I'm looking at Jeff, he's looking at me. I'm looking at Todd across the way, the raising cane's owner. I'm going, do you have some chicken in your taxi? Like, I need. This is not enough food. I can already go ahead and say, this is not gonna be enough food. So at this club, this dinner theater, like, you basically take a bite of a French fry and then you're up on the tables dancing, even if you're not drinking. I had about 10 Coke Zeros and, like, a couple glasses of champagne, but either way, I just to sit and eat. But I'm on the table, I'm doing the thing, I'm doing the splits. There's a room in the back where you get costumes. You put on these, like, crowns, so, you know, you're walking out of there with lice or some sort of bacterial infection. And Bethenny Frankel already warned us about the gonorrhea and all the other facial issues that were going around on the island for New Year's Eve. But I thought, you know, maybe enough time has passed, enough weeks have passed for me not to get facial gonorrhea. But a man comes over, he's got a whistle. He's blowing the whistle. They're playing like the Yin yang twins, or like they throw a crown on me. I'm like, here we go. I just wanna sit here and eat my fries and have my Coke Zero and my glass of champagne and relax. But I'm leaning in. I'm doing the splits, as I said. Then they have a photographer come around, so they start taking photos of our table. I'm like, yes, Party pics. I'm feeling like a sorority girl again. Nothing was better than the party pics, but I should have known. Heather, what A fucking dumbass. You know that the party pics were not free, okay? And back on our laptops and our. And you know, I had a desktop in college. We didn't have screen grab. We didn't have. I'm just gonna take a screenshot of said party pics from the fraternity sorority parties and then I'm gonna post that. You had to buy the party pics, somebody had to print them out, put them in the mail, and then you went to your PO box at the student union, you opened that white envelope, you pulled out your party pics, and then you took photos on your digital camera of those party pics. And that's how you uploaded a party pic. Like, you laid them out across your bed, Bath and Beyond bedspread. And like your sorority sister would like tape em down for you. And then you'd take photos on your digital camera of the physical photo and that's uploaded your party pics. We all know that that's how it worked. So I don't know why I thought in my brain a place that served caviar on chicken tenders would give us free party picks. This man comes over, he's taking photos of us for a good five minutes. And I'm just thinking to myself, these photos, they're gonna be free. It's a part of it. You know, you're already spending €250 per person just to probably sit down and have a chicken tender. So surely these photos are gonna be free. It's so loud in this joint. Okay? It is so fucking loud you're screaming. What? Huh? Yeah. Can we get another? Cause I'd like a. Can I get a vodka on the rocks? Yeah, and a Coke Zero. Like that's just the rotation that I'm doing. Coke Zeros to stay caffeinated because you cannot sit down at any of these establishments. You have to be ass up, hands gripping the table, booty hole to the sky. Because that's what they wanna see you do. They wanna see you have fun. And I'm like, what if I'm having fun just sitting in the quiet? But that's not allowed. So at the end of the night. No, it wasn't even at the end of the night. About halfway through the evening, a lovely French woman comes over. And this is where the bamboozlement starts. She brings over an iPad and she starts showing me the photos of the whole group. And I was like, yes, the photos look good. And she goes, give me your phone. So I hand her my phone. A little confused again. Can't Hear what she's saying at the same time. She says, give me your phone. She says, oh, your nameplate, your necklace. She just says, your name's Heather. And I was like, oh, yes, my name's Heather. And she's like, oh, her name is Heather. I love that. So American. Beautiful. I love the name Heather. And the next you know, this bitch has opened my phone and airdropped me 75 party pics. She's like, these are for you. Just share them with all your friends. You're good. Walks away. I never hear her say, there's gonna be an exchange of funds. Can I get a credit card? We're going to charge you. This will be on your bill. Nothing. So I'm thinking, great. I've got all these fun party pics from this fabulous French dinner theater that are gonna be for all of my friends across the table. One of our friends, Caroline, turns to our other buddy, Brian Kelly, and says, oh, no, that airdropped all those photos on Heather's phone. Last time I was here, they were €90 a photo. This conversation's a sidebar conversation. But they think I'm rolling large. You know what I mean? I'm popping bottles. No, I'm not popping bottles. I'm popping party pics, okay? They just thought, oh, Heather wants to treat everybody to €10,000 worth of photos. So I don't think anything of it. And then later, Brian comes up to me and he's like, hey, by the way, how many photos did you get? I'm like, oh, dropped all of them. She said to share them with the group. He's like, no, no, no, we need to check the bill. So Matt comes over, he's about to check the bill. And I said, matt, you gotta check that fucking bill. I think we got got. I am happy to go over to the manager, delete every fucking photo off my phone. This is some bullshit. We got got. So they come over with the bill. They tried to charge us €800 for party PIT, which, if you do the math, right now, the euro's not in our favor. It would have been basically double. About $1,600 worth of photos. So I tell Matt, I'm never conversation about how much the photos were like this. Absolutely not. We're not doing this. I'll pay for one photo. But this is insane. I'm not paying for almost two grand worth of photos. There was never a conversation to be had. But see, they get you. They get you because it's loud. They knew I was tired. I know when they Looked around that table, they saw everybody else thinner than me with a lower bmi. You know what I mean? They said, she looks like she's gonna be easy to get got. They saw people pleaser across my forehead. And the woman said, I know how to deal with fat Americans. I've got this in. 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Price and coverage match, limited by state law. Not available in all states. So Matt tells our server, she's immediately pissed. And when I tell you the girl serving us look like Dua Lipa, the most stunning woman you have ever seen in your life. Our whole table kept calling her Dua Lipa because she was so gorgeous. Not a pore on her face. Just the most stunningly gorgeous woman that has ever. And I mean, I had a crush on her. We're flirting the whole night. She keeps bringing me Coke Zeros, more chicken tenders or caviar. I'm like, we're in the zone. Okay, I think I've got a new girlfriend. I've got an on island girlfriend. I'm very excited immediately, as soon as Matt says, hey, what is this charge? Cause we had gotten, you know, some bottle service. Everyone's pissed. I could see the demeanor. I saw the light change behind her eyes and she's like, fuck. So then they bring over the party pic girl who, you know, airdropped me all the photos and immediately she's all of a sudden knows no English. And I said, hey. So I said, we're gonna play good cop, bad cop. I'm gonna be good cop. Matt, you're bad cop. So Matt's like, we're not paying for this. This is insane. So I just turned over and I said, hi, you're doing a phenomenal job. You were so good at your job. But I did not understand it's loud. I have, like, I have hearing problem. Like, I almost went full deaf. I almost started asl'. Ing. I know how to spell my name in sign lang deaf. And because I was so appalled at how they were trying to get us, so now all of a sudden, this woman doesn't speak English. She doesn't know my name's Heather. And I just kept saying, you're very good at your job. But I did not understand that there was a charge. You just took my phone. So then the guy, the manager goes, all right, what do you want to pay for them? I said, what do you mean, what do I want to pay for them? I want to pay nothing for them. I would have paid for one photo, but what are we barter over this photo? And he's like, yeah, what a pay. I think, what is it, like, €500? I was like, nah, brah, I'll delete all the photos. Of course, I had already texted them to everybody so that everybody had already saved them. Okay. I knew we were good, and I was like, no, I will literally physically delete these photos right now. And anyways, so we're going back and forth. I see Matt kind of like disappear in the crowd, and I'm like, oh, my God, they're taking him outside. So just. It clicks in. I'm like, I gotta defend Matt now. Matt is a smart businessman, a smart guy, but I don't know why. I just felt like he needed my muscle. Like, what was I gonna do? Go outside and, like, body slam a small French woman? Like, I don't know what I thought was gon. All the glasses of champagne had hit. And, you know, at this party, even if you're just trying to sit there and enjoy yourself and tap your foot to the music, someone will come by, throw your head back and just open your gullet and pour tequila down it. So the drinks had started to hit. And you know, I'm not the biggest drinker these days. That's a lie. I spent the last five days drinking. But regardless. So I run outside, I don't see him. Everyone's outside smoking cigarettes. I'm like, where's Matt? They took him to the back room. Like, I don't know what I thought was gonna happen. The party picks. Guy was gonna take a knife mafia style, take off his pinky. I did not know what was gonna happen. And then I see him in the corner. He's like, hey, I just went to the bathroom. We're good. I washed my hands. No, he's not gonna charge Us. Cause I told him he was being a dick. But now do I think we're allowed to go back to liti? I don't think we are. Did I wake up with 75 photos on my phone? I sure did. But the fact of the matter is we noticed that this. This was how it worked in St. Barts. As long as you were spending money and giving them what they wanted, they spoke perfect English. As soon as you questioned one thing on the bill, all of a sudden, no parlez vous ingles. They do not. And I said, okay, I get why this happens, because so many people come here, I. E. They were just coming down off the peak season, which was New Year's Eve, you know, and you saw, like, Bezos was there. All the rich people came in in their yachts. We were staying at a gorgeous, sensible hotel. All right, no one was yachting it up. But regard. This was in, like, the. You know, you had the billionaires come over New Year's Eve, and now we were just like, the pores. So we were there during the pores season, still enjoying ourselves, but not clearly. We're still asking for an itemized receipt. Okay? That's all you need to know when you're out with other people who wanna have, like, a big night out. We're still asking for the itemized receipt. I need to take photos of this receipt. I need to see if I can write this off as a business expense. And we go to this other place the next night. And Matt, of course, asked for the bill. He's looking at it. And there were some more discrepancies. And not that any. We're trying to shake anybody down. We're not trying to pay for wonderful services. There's a huge tip at the end of this. We've had a great night. We are all people who've worked in hospitality who want to take care of the people who are taking care of us. But every place we went, if you did not ask for an itemized receipt, you were getting three other bottle service situations from the table next to you. So we're over here fighting. So half the weekend, I'm, like, muscled up. Jeff's in the corner, like, okay, let me pack in six zins of nicotine. And then he's getting Z'd out, ready to go to fight somebody. So we just kept laughing. We were like, if you're. They're just so used to people not looking at a receipt, not asking for a receipt, not looking to see what they were charged for. You had to ride these People so all again, speak perfect English all night. Fantastic. And then as soon as you ask for an itemized receipt, no one speaks English. So all I want to say is, would I go back to St. Bart's? Absolutely. Would I do the parties? I would do. I do five less parties and you gotta ask for an itemized receipt. We were at this one place for dinner. Fantastic. We go inside and it's gorgeous. I mean, one of the most beautiful restaurants I've ever seen. It's right on the water. I'm like, oh, this is about to be a dining experience. We get in there, there's a little bit of house music, but it's low. We're feeling the vibes. I'm like, we're at the best seat next to the DJ. Surely it's 9pm he's not gonna come on till, like, I don't know, 11:30 midnight. There's a table of some of the richest people I think I've ever seen. I don't know what nationality they are. I couldn't even pinp. It was a table of like, 12 people. And there. Everybody's getting the tomahawk. Now, just so you know, the tomahawk in St. Barts, which, everywhere you go, they're. They're pushing this fucking cattle everywhere, the tomahawk's like a thousand euro. I'm like, this is insane, okay? You can go to the nicest steakhouse in New York, and you're not paying $1,000 for a tomahawk. Every single kingpin at this table had a tomahawk. Even. Even the women, and these are very thin women in St. Bart's so I'm just calculating. I'm like, we got $40,000 of tomahawks at the table next to me. Meanwhile, my tables ordered a six ounce filet, and 12 people had to split it, okay? So Jeff and I are like, all right, what can we eat back at the villa when we get back? We're not eight minutes into ordering apps. The tuna tartare has not even come out till you hear, let's get ready to rumble. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. And I'm like, jock jams, y' all ready for this? I'm ready for this. Bottle service comes around the corner. And what I liked about this club is they didn't have the sparklers, okay? Because I don't know if you know what happened in Switzerland over New Year's Eve, but it did not end well, okay? So I'm already on high alert in all these clubs because I don't want to be near the live fire. A bunch of people perished at a. I believe it was a Swiss nightclub because the sparklers were too close to the very flame retardant ceiling. And the whole place went in flames. I think 40 people died. So I'm. As soon as I hear let's get ready to rumble, and I see somebody coming around the corner with a bottle over their head, I'm like, if there's a live fire, I'm looking for exits. I literally look at Jeff. I'm like, we go that way. Like, we're getting out of here. I was about ready to bust through the window behind me. But they were smart. They had the glow sticks that you use for, like, an air traffic controller. So I'm like, all right, cool, cool, cool. We can all calm down. There's no live fire. A bottle of Dom gets sent to the table because a friend knew that Lindsay was there for her birthday. So I'm like, I am going to. I'm gonna enjoy the benefit of being with the birthday girl. I'll tell you right now, I don't enjoy being the birthday girl. I enjoy being with the bir. Y' all heard it here first. So this is 9pm we haven't even gotten the apps yet. Y' all ready for this? And I'm thinking, okay, well, jock jams is how we're starting the evening. It's only gonna get better. It's only gonna get better. I'm thinking, they're gonna bring the bottle out, they'll put it on the table. That's it. No more. Y' all ready for this? No. Then it was a spiral. Then it was just the trickle, trickle effect, right? Cause as soon as one table gets a bottle, then everybody's gotta get a bottle. Because you don't wanna be the pores with the other other pours at. At said pour weekend in St. Barts. Again, St. Barts is so expensive. And we all kind of looked at each other's like, do we come to this weekend? Because it's the most affordable weekend. Okay, cool, cool, cool. Yeah, we all did. So then the table next to you's gotta get it and then the next table. And we haven't even gotten a wedge salad yet. I'm like, I would just like a quick palate cleanser of a little low music, some cocktail jazz, and some nice conversation with my friends that doesn't exist. So from 9 to 1:30 in the morning, it's just every 30 seconds. Y' all ready for the this and you're just like, I understand. I'm in such a privileged position right now to be in this clerk. I just want to go sit outside, talk to the hostess and ask her how her night's been. Because it is so fucking loud. So we're just those people who have to ask for the itemized receipt. How much is that? Like everywhere we went, we were like, we have specials, we have caviar, we've got a tomahawk. Everybody's hawking the same thing. A $2,000 tomahawk. Don't even ask the price of the caviar. So we would just. We were like, we don't need here the specials. We're good. We're going to order off milk menu. Was it an incredible trip? Absolutely. Would I go back? Absolutely. I think it is a great place to spend a 40th. There was also fabulous, reasonable restaurants like you can go to St. Barts and have a beautiful time. I mean, it is again the. Through social media and everything, it looks like just the most opulent place. I mean, let's be real. It is an opulent place. But you can also go have like a gorgeous, sensible lunch. Which we did. But you have to be careful. And I just need you to know if you're going on vacation, you know, I was. I went on vacation, almost left on probation. Cause I almost fought a French woman. And that's all you need to know. So it doesn't matter how much if I've been overserved, underserved. I was underserved food wise. Overserved, alcohol wise. But I will always ask for an itemized receipt. And that's all you need to know about me. Okay? So if you invite me on your birthday trip, because I love to go on other people's birthday trips. Cause birthdays are magical. I will be the bitch at the end who's got a cigarette hanging out of her mouth. Trying to. With my espresso just going, can I get a. I need a copy of the receipt. Cause I'm gonna look it over. So just so you know, if you ever need that kind of muscle on one of your trips because of the rest of the crew is just living la vida loca. And it doesn't really. They think it's going to be a buzzkill to look at the itemizer seat. You call me, I'll come on your trip. Where are we going? Key West. Don't worry, I'll look at the itemizer seat. I'll make sure you're good. We had a great time. I will say Traveling down there, your asshole is clenched. You fly either into, what is it, puerto Rico or St. Martin. We flew Atlanta to St. Martin. And then you get on this tiny little puddle jumper. And I've been in very tiny airplanes. My dad used to have a Cessna and a Beechcraft Baron. But I'm talking no air conditioning, tight. You're rubbing shoulders with a propeller. And the St. Barts airport has one of the craziest dips. Like you can be on the beach at this famous hotel, Eden Rock and watch all the planes come in and it's like all of a sudden you're good, you're good, you're cruising and you just drop. It's almost like a helicopter. I don't know how they did it, but they did it and we survived. You're just shoulder to shoulder with a lot of poor rich people. And we're like all the people who could afford to go this weekend. And it's a wild ride. But I had a really lovely time. It was great connecting with old friends and it was fun. But Jeff and I definitely took away from the weekend. We said you gotta come. Like I should have brought some reading glasses and a little flashlight and a highlight. Cause that's what you need to really get technical with accounting in the ST bars. But that's it. I mean, that's like life. You know, people don't think that you're gonna check. And if you don't check, you're gonna get bamboozled. So there's a lot of. And they're not scammers, they're con artists. No, well, technically they'd be scommers because the party picks. Had I woken up and saw the credit card charge, I would have felt like I had been robbed. But I would have been excited about the party picks. And I still ended up with the party picks. But either way, I do think there's a lot of mix of scommers and con artists down in St. Barts and they will blackball you from that island, they will blackball you from the restaurants. So good luck to me. I am slowly gathering new products for my new house and I am moving in June. But you know what's the one thing I'm definitely gonna let my mom keep is the caraway cookware. So that means I have to get one for myself. And I love their non toxic kitchenware. Okay, just as a little reminder for you, Caraway's cookware is designed with a third party tested non toxic ceramic coating that's made. Made without forever chemicals supporting a healthy conscious lifestyle. That's why I love it. It's so easy to clean, so easy to cook with. And also I don't have to worry about feeding Jeff toxic chemicals while I make him eggs in the morning. I also love that it just makes a great gift. And I also particularly love the butcher blocks. Okay, the butcher blocks. If you're going to like a ladies night and you're playing mahjong and you want to bring them a gorgeous gift, bring them a giant Caraway home butcher block. It's made of thick premium wood surfaces cross crafted with walnut and maple wood. 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Become a for advisor today at forartravel.com Absolutely. That's f o r a travel dot com. Absolutely. And make sure to tell them that we sent you forwardtravel.com Absolutely. You know, it's time to reclaim soda. No more denying yourself the flavors you love or sipping sparkling water with your quarter pounder. No, you deserve that mouth watering swirl of flavors and bubbles without the baggage. Sip the future of soda with 5 grams of sugar, ingredients you can love, and prebiotics. And remember, cravings aren't a crime, people. I love poppy soda. It's absolutely freaking amazing. Okay, Poppy it is my jam. And they just came out with a new Shirley Temple flavor that is absolutely. It's childhood nostalgia. It's flashbacks to being in the summer sitting at the pool at the club with the Shirley Temple. But this is great because with 5 grams of sugar and ingredients you can love and prebiotics, you're going to feel so much better about drinking your poppy. I've always loved poppy. I've worked with them for a really long time because I actually go to the store and pick up the product. I love when I go go to like Publix and I get a pub sub and then I take my Poppy and I sit in my car and I have my fabulous sandwich, my fabulous poppy soda. And I just feel like I'm getting all the things that I want, but I'm doing it in a great way. I really, really, truly love poppy. I love working with them. And sometimes you need a little soda to change your vibes. Poppy absolutely hits that spot with mouth watering and refreshing sodas with tons of flavors. Again, I love the Shirley Temple. I love so many of their flavors. And you can find poppy at your nearest retailer or get it delivered straight to your door on Amazon. Poppy sodas back, but so much better. And if you're a Georgia girly like me, you can get them at Publix. But again, you can have it delivered straight to your door on Amazon. Again, that's Poppy. P O P P I. One of my absolute favorites ever. It's just freaking delicious and the best. And I always have it stocked in my fridge. Poppy. So does back, but so much better. Anywho, okay, do we have time for some voicemails? Can we get into one or two voicemails? Okay, great. See what you guys have been up to. Heather, two absolutely yeses for you. Number one, traveling to Japan. I was there over Christmas. It is the cleanest, safest, best food, coolest people. Overall, 10 out of 10 experience. I am manifesting that trip for you this year. Number two, your mom was just on Instagram Live. I love her. And she was talking about, like, a PSA about scams and stuff. And then she goes into how, you know, not to set boundaries, how boundaries are stupid, basically. And she goes, you know what my father bought me and Kyle for our wedding gift? A toaster. And it was a two slicer, not a. Not even a four slicer. And I'm not traumatized. I was capped. I was cackling. Your mom, Absolutely, yes. I think she might be slightly traumatized from the two slicer toaster, but that's my personal opinion. Heather, I love you. I saw you live in Austin, Texas, last year. You are the light of my life. Love you, girl. Bye. Thank you for calling in. I appreciate that. If you don't think I hear about the two slicer toaster all the time, you have no idea. Also, I didn't get a wedding gift from Robyn so she can cork it. Okay? Robyn's Instagram lives are a liability. I've asked her to stop. It's not good for my brand. Her brand, really. Just the brand of joy in general. I tell Robyn, I said, you know, I guess, though, I can't really talk because this podcast is my therapy for the week. Even though I do see a professional. There's a lot of things that I say on here that probably should be kept just between me and said mental health professional. But that's kind of what Robyn does with her Instagram Live. So clearly the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. But what I die about Robin is that that she'll get on the Instagram Live and she doesn't realize she's waiting for people to come on, but she does not realize that it is still live and it is recording. So she'll be like, airing my dirty laundry. Oh, yeah. She'll have a fake fight with me. She'll be like, oh, yeah, Heather. Okay, all right. So you didn't want to pay for dinner. Fine. You're being a cheap bitch. Hey, everybody, come on in. Everybody, come on in. And she welcomes people to her Instagram Live like she's a kindergarten teacher and it's the first day of school. Come on in, kids. Everybody take a seat on the floor. It's Robin's hour of insanity. And then the next thing you know, she tries to tell you that she saw somebody's outfit that she didn't like at Walmart. I'm like, why are you going to Walmart, Mom? Here's what I love about My mom, truly the most beautiful, genuine heart, the most empathetic person on the planet. But she's got the same four jokes, and she's really just sticking with them. It's like, so I went to Walmart and everybody was ugly. I'm like, mom, your generation is the only generation that sticks. Still really wants to drive home jokes about how people are ugly. You know what I mean? I mean, go. Go ask your. Your grandpa for his best joke. And it's gonna be about how, like. And there was a fight. A fat flight attendant. Can you believe it? You're like, we gotta get new material. I keep telling Robyn that Robin, we gotta get fresh material. Yeah, she's very upset about the two slicer. And here's the thing. I don't know how boundaries play into wedding gifts. I'm not quite sure, you know, it all has to do with childhood trauma. So I'm sure I had just texted, she went live. And she was pissed about that. I guarantee the conversation was, hey, Mom, I'm at work, I can't talk right now. So therefore she got pissed and then decided to go on Instagram live. Talk about boundaries. Which I don't know if you know this. Boundaries at work are just. I'm at work. Like, I'm not saying I don't want you to be a part of my life. Go fuck yourself. But. Hey, mom, I'm gonna have to hang up cuz I have to go clock in for my job that pays for our dinners. All right, Like I have. You can't win with her. Oh, like, she texted me this morning, when are you coming home? I come home on Friday, Mom. I'm here working all week in New York doing press. Okay, so you just gallivanting around. I'm not gallivanting. You're clod hopping through the city. You know there's snow. I know there's snow. What would you rather me do, Robyn, not make money to take you to the Turks on vacation? Or possibly St. Barts? Cause when I was there the whole weekend. When are you taking me? You better be taking me. This looks fantastic. I want to be doing the splits on the back. My mom asked our wedding DJ if he could turn down the sound. You think Robin's gonna last at a day party at St. Bart's for 15 minutes? She literally went up to DJ Remo and was like, can you turn it down? It's loud. It's very loud in here. I'm like, mom, quit being a buzzkill. Like, Robin can be so fun. The most fun you've ever had. And then when she's tired, it's done. I'm tired, I'm exhausted. We were playing mahjong the other night. Cause you know, I'm really into mahjong. And we were. Somebody had just hit mahjong. We were gonna go for a third round and we were starting to play pretty quick. And she just put her head down, she goes, I'm exhausted, I'm tired. And we said, leave. You don't have to participate in the mahjong. Like, she just gets to a point and then she breaks and all hell breaks loose. But yeah, Robyn loves to have full blown conversations about her family trauma, our family trauma, her personal childhood trauma, while she's waiting for that 15 seconds for that first person to realize that she's live on Instagram. And then she'll be like, oh, yeah, well, at least your father didn't drink himself to death. Hey, everybody, come on in. Like, it's the most hard pivot ever. And I just see them all the time. And then I have to tell her. I'm like, robyn, can we not. Can we not do the Instagram live? Cause you don't realize that you are airing all of your dirty laundry for the first 60 seconds of said live before you realize that your children have come in to. To find their. Their place on the mat. And then she tells. She gets angry with me. That's probably the one thing that we argue about the most, is the first 60 seconds of most of Robin's Instagram lives. And the two slice toaster. I don't know what to tell her. You know, she has a gorgeous Breville toaster oven. She's got an air fryer from Breville. She has a nice espresso cappuccino machine in her kitchen. She has all the appliances and can afford the appliances on her own. But again, of course, CH chooses to have me reach out to brands to get things for free. So. Robyn, I don't wanna hear it. Let the toaster bit go. You're a rich woman now. Shut the hell up and go to sleep. Go to sleep. I'm glad that we roasted my mom enough though, to tell you when you can see her next. I'm definitely gonna be taking her on the road to some shows with me this spring. Again, get your tickets@heatherontour.com, y'. All. I wanna tell you what's gonna be different about stuff going on through the spring. We are gearing up for the special and I am so excited to be shooting my. My next comedy Special. Don't know what it's gonna be called yet. Maybe it'll be called Bamboozled. I don't know. We gotta think. You know, I love to get that marketing head space and figure out what we're gonna call it. But we are shooting the special at the Bijou Theater in Knoxville, Tennessee, the 29th and 30th May. You can get your tickets@heatherontour.com I'm so incredibly excited to shoot this new hour. And what's great about seeing these shows in the spring on the road, the hour's gonna be extremely tight. And so the that's gonna allow me to just really do as much crowd work as I want to have fun. And then the hour is gonna be tight. So it's gonna be a really, really fun show this spring. So please come out to all the shows leading up to the special taping, and please get your tickets for the special taping. I know we're selling really well right now, but it's gonna be so much fun. And being a part of that live filming experience is really, truly magical. And, you know, you get to be a part of. Of history, which is obviously, I'm going to be a nominated for a Golden Globe and an Emmy and a Grammy for this next hour. So get so excited, because you know what? Hollywood loves me and rewarding me for all my hard work and not being in the Epstein files. And let's break down some of these tour dates. I'm reading them off the screen here. But, hey, I'm coming to Houston on March 5th. March 6th, I'm hitting Fort Worth, Texas. Then March 27th, I'm in Royal Oak, Michigan. Then I'm hitting Red Bank, New Jersey. March 28, April 16, Nashville, Tennessee. I'm doing the Nashville Comedy Festival. And then I'll be in Patchogue, New York, on April 23, and then Boston, Massachusetts, on April 24. And then Netflix Is a Joke is a totally different show. We're going to be doing wigs and copious amounts of methamphetamines on stage, I'm sure. And then we'll be going into the live special taping. And I'm so excited. Dude, the last time we were at the Bijou Theater, we got chased out by a ghost. I swear to God, there was a ghost. It was the creepiest experience ever. So you're like, heather, why are you going back to Knoxville? Because Knoxville also got dumped by Lane Kiffin. Okay? Oxford got dumped by Lane Kiffin. Knoxville got burned. Okay? 10 these Tennessee volunteers got burned bad. And when everything was going down with Kiffin and we didn't know Will he. Won't he leave us for lsu? I had so many gals and gays from Knoxville DM me. And they go, just wait, Heather. Like, everybody was just like, sent me the smoking cigarette emoji. And they're like, just wait. It's coming. He's leaving. He did this to us. And I was like, no, maybe he's gonna stay. And they're like, no, we got your back. And I had so many folks reach out and say, hey, when you need a hug, we're here for you. So that's why I have chosen Knoxville, Tennessee to shoot my special. It's a beautiful theater. I'm very excited, and I love this hour more than any hour I've ever done before. So please come out and get your tickets@heatherontour.com. it's gonna be fun. That is a wild week. Do I think doing Netflix as a joke is a good idea before the special? I don't. It's a horrible thing. But what I'm going to use as especially. Cause my special's not going to Netflix. Isn't that funny how that works? Half the people that are performing at Netflix as a joke had one special on Netflix, and then we'll never touch the platform again. But it is a week for all the comics to get together, pretend like they like each other and all stress out and do shows for people in the industry. And by the way, like, the night I have my show, there's 47 other shows with, like, the biggest comics in the world. But I'll just have you know, I am in the poll top 100 selling comics in the biz right now. So shut your dirty horse mouth, okay? I'm working my dick off. And I'm very excited because I said the amount of pressure that I put on myself for these shows is so insane. If you come to a show, you had the best time. And I just want to. I want Netflix to be creative and funny and let it rip and just. I want to enjoy myself. Cause there's so much pressure that everybody puts on themselves that week just to, you know, it's gotta be perfect. No, the special has to be perfect. And it will be perfect because I love what I do. But Netflix's joke, I'm like, let's get weird. Let's get weird with it. Let's just. It's gonna be crotch on crotch, wig on wig. That kind of. That kind of weekend. So I'm Very excited for that. But I really wanna say thank you to everybody who's come out on the road this. This past year and to see this tour. It's been the most fun. I truly never had so much fun, and I'm so grateful to each and every one of you. Obviously, if you came on the crowd cruise, there's just. I couldn't do this job without you guys. So I really want you to know how grateful I am. So speaking of that, I will see you on May, what is it? 29th and 30th, at the Bijou Theater in Knoxville, Tennessee. And we're gonna have a raging party afterwards. I'm very excited. I was dming with some girls yesterday. Like, tell me the bar. Where are we going? What are we doing? Because I want to celebrate just a beautiful cherry on top to this gorgeous bamboozled Sunday that we have created this past year and a half. So thank you for being on the road with me. And this is the wild thing too, is writing this hour. Every day something new happens and changes. So let's see where this hour is and what I even decide to keep in the hour by the time we get to May, because it is an ever evolving stream of consciousness. And I'm very, very proud of this hour. But let's. By the time we get to May, it may be completely different. But in the meantime, between time, I love y'. All. Thank you for indulging me this past weekend. And as I got a little R and R. And remember, no matter what, I don't care if you win the lottery. First of all, if you do win the lottery, what's the first thing you do? You call an attorney and you pick up that check anonymously and you also get the lump sum. You don't need to be paid out every week, every month, no, you get the lump sum. They're gonna take a lot of fucking taxes out of it. But you take that lump sum and you get an attorney. And then you put that money in a trust. Do you understand? Thank you. And then what do you do? Even if you. If you're living la vida loca, you look at that itemized receipt. Cuz scammers will always SC and con artists will always con. And I will see you this time next year in St. B at the party. I love you, Amina. I'll see you on the road very soon. Texas. I know it's the rodeo that weekend, but get your tickets because the rodeo's all month, so go fuck yourselves. I'll see you at the stockyards and I'll see you guys on the next episode. Ciao, bella. A river Dare. Bye. Bye. Thanks so much for listening. Listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcma. See you guys soon. Take it.