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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon.
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I want to start a fire.
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Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? If you're watching this on YouTube, you're probably saying, heather, that desk looks like a mess. Well, we are back in our old stomping grounds, Robin's basement, my office here at the house. And it is an absolute disaster. But it's because we're slowly packing things up, moving things around. We've got art in a corner. It's just a mess. So thank you for bearing with me. I'm sorry it's not aesthetically pleasing online, but this is where we're at. Couple housekeeping things at the very top of this show this Friday is gonna be the Japan Q&A 411 Japan 101. Jeff's coming into the office, the studio this week and we are gonna releasing a bonus episode that will break down all the tips and tricks of travel and planning. And just obviously, Jeff hasn't been on in a minute and I want you guys to be able to giggle with him. So that's gonna happen this Friday. So. So even if you're not even interested in going abroad, I highly suggest you tune into that episode because it's always a bonus when Jeff Daniels is in town. And also something very exciting that we're going to test the waters with. We're going to try a live hotline. Now, how is this going to work? Well, next week I'm going to be in LA in the studio, and we are going to still have you call in with your voicemails to the Absolutely not line, which is the numbers 800-213-7503. I want to hear your best absolutely nots from spring break. Now, this could be a spring break you just took your kids on, a spring break you just took during college. Or it could be the worst thing that happened to you. Spring break of 97 down in Ponte Vedra Beach. I don't care. I want to hear it. And Tina is going to listen to these voicemails. If you make the cut, baby, if you make that cut. Guess what? We're going to call you back when I am live in the studio in LA the next week and we are going to bring you on because I think one of the aspects of this podcast that I so dearly. I mean, I love when you guys call in and then I just kind of run with my emotions on whatever the topic may be. But I do feel like I would like to hear what you guys have been up to. And, you know, there's a lot of times there's stories where I want to know more. I want to know what's happening. So this is going to be fun to get a little call and response, if you will. So I'm very excited about that. Now, here's a tip and trick to make the cut. Have a clear story. Have it be concise. Get out your words. Remember, roll up the windows. Don't have the air conditioning blasting or your head hanging out of your car on the freeway. I need to be able to hear you. Help me help you make it to the absolutely not line. And again, that number is 800-213-7503. One of the reasons we are at the home office today is we're trying to get a bunch of shit done. I mean, God bless. Boho Brit just left. I got some new extensions. We got some fresh highlights. We're going for more of a. I think they call it a little like a blended root, which is. Yeah, guys, I should have been doing this for years, but I. You know, there's a thing called blonde blindness and highlight blindness. And sometimes when you get. When you're not a natural blonde and you get that steam heat of the bleach and it hits you right there at the crown of the head and you're just cooking, you just know you're going to look fucking fabulous. What is that? Oh, that's just. That's. That's a toilet running above us. Also, I am doing the best I can to filter us. This is not a soundproof studio. I'm back in the basement like we used to. Just let it rip. I mean, I think my best podcasts to date of all time were always in this basement during COVID This was my happy place, my safe space, my security blanket. And I feel like, you know, maybe if this goes well, we'll break our lease at the studio we're at sooner and set it up here. Set up shop at Robin's house for the time being. And the new studio is going to my new home, which I'm very excited about, but that's gonna be. So I think coming back to the Home Root studio in the interim would be fantastic. Now, why don't I do a lot of things here? Well, one, we need a privacy. Also, my family doesn't respect when I'm quote, unquote working. You know, Robin would just bust her ass in here all the time. She would. The dogs are barking. I'm trying not to board them during the day. It's a whole thing. There's just a lot of moving parts at the McMahon residence. But it feels really good to be back in this chair. And I'm just. I'm back at it. And that feels, you know, I feel blessed. I feel really blessed. Where did I get this chair? Where did I get this gorgeous chair? Was this a Wayfair? No. All modern. These were all modern. Yeah. These were my New York apartment. This was one of the desks that I had at some place in my life. No, this was my dad's old desk. What am I talking about? It just feels good to be back in my, you know, barefoot, barely wearing a bra in the basement. And our girl Esperanza's here doing the floors, helping us out. You know, Robin's got one good leg or one good arm. She also has, like, one good leg. She's about to bust in, though. I'm sure at any moment. So she went for her pre op today. Unfortunately, Scarlet took such a tumble, she is, in fact, going to have to have surgery. And I just want to say thank you so much for all the kindness about my mom. You know, she is my little peach, the last one left. So I'm very, very worried about her surgery, but I think she's in great hands. I really like the doctor. So all that to be said. Robin's. She's anxious this week, but she went to her pre op, so Ashley just took her to her appointment so I could get this work done. And Robin calls me on the way home, and she goes, have I told the doctor you went crazy about him? I said, I never said I wasn't crazy about him. I just said, we should shop around for a couple extra opinions. You know, you're. You're getting put under. I just say, maybe let's go see one other risk specialist and see if you vibe better. I love the doctor. I thought he was fantastic. Why are you throwing my ass under the bus? I'm the one taking you to the surgery. How dare you. She's like, well, whatever. I'm going to get Indian food. I'm starving. I want some garlic naan. And then just hung up the phone. Now, one thing Robin does not know is I signed that bitch up for life360. Now, this is not a sponsored ad at by any means. I just found out what this life360 is now because I'm on life360. They're not even. They're 180 up my ass. Okay. I didn't realize that they are tracking you at every moment. But if I. If I'm able to just keep tabs on her, I mean, listen, who isn't fucking tracking us? Let's be really fucking honest. They have the info they've got. I do the clear. They scan my eyes. They got the fingerprints. I'm global entry. And the wild thing is, none of it matters because it's six and a half fucking hours to get through TSA at Atlanta Airport. I mean, unbelievable. Hold on, I'm gonna write this down. I got a sidebar that. Let's get back to Robin's 360. And then I have thoughts about that whole situation. But so I sign Robin up for Life360 today because she at some point turned off my ability to find my friend. It's not even find my friend. Find my mother should be a. Just. That's the name of the app. Somebody Find my Mother. Kids could use it. Millennials could use it. Somebody just find my mother. Robin would turn off her location. She's not going to be able to figure out how to turn off Life360. I'm all around you. It's 360 degrees, and at 365 days of the year, I'm up your ass, bitch. So Britt was telling me today, she's like, you got to get 360 for your mom. Like, what are you doing, Heather? Because my mom would, like, run out to a Ross for less and then turn off. I don't know if she, like, toggled off her Apple ID or just turned off her location services. And I couldn't find the bitch. And I said, robyn, you were up my ass. I'm gonna be up yours. I'm sorry. It is what it is. These are the facts. So, bitch, we're 360. I know where you are. Apparently it has this thing that if she's in her car and she, like, idles too long, it's gonna let me know. This bitch is. Has a full arm in a sling. And she was gonna drive to TJ Maxx the other day. I said, you can't, Robin, if you get. You cannot drive a car if you don'. If you can't be at 10 and 2. And I know you're 78 and you've been driving for a very long time, but that's actually unsafe. Like, if you were to get pulled over, I'm Pretty sure you would get in trouble. Speaking of which, I'm gonna guess allegedly be riding dirty up to Knoxville today. Now, you're probably wondering, Heather, why are you going to Knoxville? Well, we are doing our initial walkthrough, the creative meeting. We're getting our director of photography, our director, a lot of the production craft, all of our executive producers. We're all meeting in Knoxville tomor tomorrow so that we can do a walkthrough of the theater, figure out we're going to set the cameras for the special. It's all very exciting, but there's a lot of moving parts, and I thought this was going to be easy. I was going to work from home, I was going to get a bunch of shit done, pop down to the airport, fly up there, fly back. That's not happening. So mama has to wrap this up, drive four fucking hours to Knoxville. Happy to do it, because everyone's at the airport texting me, dog. Six and a half hours. I'm clear. Pre check. Stick a thumb up my butt so I could make it to Birmingham. I don't care. I'll let you frisk me. Glove off. That's how much time I spend at the Atlanta Airport, traveling every week. I know all the TSA agents, and I'm genuinely worried for them, this whole situation. First of all, hear me out, okay? I don't understand how the government shuts down. Like, I understand how it shuts down, but I also don't understand how it shuts down if Waffle house is open 24 7, 365, come hell or high water, Lord willing, and the creek don't rise. How does the government shut down then? If the government shuts down, Donald Trump should not be able to get on Truth Social and be posting like, shut it all the way down. Night, night, lights out. Go to sleep. We're taking a break. I just don't get it. And I understand, you know, they're blaming the Democrats. Well, the Democrats. No, it's because you know what, Heather? Take a breath and through the nose out. You're back in the basement. Remember when you were recording these episodes years ago in the basement? It was Covid. We were spiraling. We didn't know up from down. I honestly, at this point, I feel like with this past year, I'd go back to Covid a little bit. Is that bad? Is that bad to say that? Like, I kind of miss Covid in a way where I missed being at home, being forced to, like, cook up recipes every night? No, guys, I'm making a 15 minute mole sauce. I got it. I do miss that a little bit. I do miss it a little bit. I'm not gonna lie. I miss it a little bit. Simpler times. And even then we were so fearful. There was such an unknown. We didn't know what the fuck was going on. And it even seemed like a simpler time. Doesn't it, doesn't it seem like a simpler time than the shit we have been through? And I feel bad for the TSA agents. And listen, if the TSA agents in Atlanta, particularly I beef with. I mean, Tina has got like thrown, thrown words at them. I mean, they are particularly zesty. And this is my home hub, okay? I'm ride or die. ATL peace. Up a town, down till we die. I love this city, but you're going to get a zesty TSA agent. You just are. And I'm worried about my girls. I'm worried what they're doing. And I get it. I wouldn't fucking come to work either. And we're in a pickle. And so I was scrolling this morning because today is the first day that they're putting ICE agents out at the airport. And I'm like, we are living in a movie. This is a dystopian society. I don't know what's happened. We have jumped the Matrix. What the fuck is going on? I just kind of had deja vu. I didn't just kind of. I absolutely had deja vu. The last time I was sitting in this basement doing an Unhinged episode was the episode what the fuck is Going On? And it was during COVID And I was looking around going, does anybody know what the fuck is going on? No one knows what the fuck is going on. I mean, it was overwhelming looking at these videos of people waiting at the New Orleans Airport, at LAX, at LaGuardia, at Atlanta. Five hours in line. And I know this is all a part of a bigger, scarier problem. God. And I, I just. And I. And I Woke up at 4 o' clock in the morning today. So I don't know how. Well, my brain can like rattle a proper thought off right now. But that's why I'm driving, because I told Tina, I said, I don't have time for this. What are we doing here? We're not doing this. I don't have time. And I'm nervous about having to fly out to go to the shows this weekend. But it is what it is. I will be very excited to be back in Detroit. You know, I stay at that shinola that's a good hotel. So we're going to be in Detroit this weekend and then I will be in Red Bank, New Jersey. I'm so, so, so excited to see everybody. Definitely have a little bit of anxiety. Not a little. I just have. It's not even anxiety of what's going to happen. It's anxiety that I may be popping off on somebody and it's not the TSA agent, the one guy, the one gal who's there being like, you know what? I hate my family so much, I'd rather come to work as a unpaid TSA agent. They're basically interns. Right now. I'm a unpaid TSA intern. That's how much I hate my family. I'm willing to show up. So if you see anybody who is actively volunteering for security at the airport, just know home life ain't great. You know, you got one guy who's just like, my wife's a. I gotta get out of here. Oh, hell, I'll give. I'll give cavity searches all day if it means I don't gotta hang out with Carla. So if you see somebody there and they have a smile on their face and they don't look stressed, it's because their wife's a. And it could be vice versa. You know, fucking Randy. Carla could be at the. 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When they ask you where you heard about them, please let them know our show. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show. Hey everyone, check out this guy and his bird. What is this your first date? Oh no. We help people customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird. Yeah, the bird looks out of your league. Anyways, only pay for what you need@libertymutual.com. liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Liberty. Ryan Reynolds here from Mint Mobile. I don't know if you knew this, but anyone can get the same Premium Wireless for $15 a month plan that I've been enjoying. It's not just for celebrities. So do like I did and have one of your assistant's assistants switch you to Mint Mobile today. I'm told it's super easy to do@mintmobile.com Switch upfront payment of $45 for 3 month plan equivalent to $15 per month Required intro rate first 3 months only Plan options available. Taxes and fees extra. See full terms@mintmobile.com now speaking of Randy, I got a zesty, zesty and testy DM yesterday and I get, you know, bots and bullshit and people say snarky nasty shit to me all the time. But I was playing golf with my husband. I'm in a great mood. I'm outdoors, I'm getting some sunshine. It's 85 degrees. I'm in an adorable show me your moomoo puma collab golf outfit. Side note, very big shout out to my girls over at show me or Moomoo and puma. They made an incredible golf line and I want you to know I had nothing to do with it. I had no input and they knocked it out of the park. Cammie dropped it on me as a little birthday surprise. She goes, guess what? I've been keeping a secret. I've got a surprise for you. And sent me all of the stuff and it is chef's kiss. Amazing. So I want to give a big shout out to my friends over at show me your moomoo and puma golf. And I will say everything. Guess what fits incredibly and it's cut for larger breasts. So if you're an extra large double XL large, it's gonna fit great. Congratulations. But anyway, so I'm feeling myself. I'm in a cute new Puma. Show me your moomoo golf outfit. I'm out there hitting the links with my husband. It's a beautiful day. I'm feeling richly blessed. I'm getting vitamin D and I just, you know, sitting in the carts as we're coming back into the clubhouse and I see this from a man named Randy Foy. Beck44Followers, 0Post and this is, this is the. And this is one of the best DMS of all time. Have you always been a fat bitch or were you at one time a skinny bitch? And when I saw that, I thought to myself, well, you know, Randall's got a point here. And the Point that I want to make back to him is, I've always been a fat bitch, Randy. I've always been a thick little cherry. You put me in your mouth, you're going to find the pit, and the pit is a barbecue pit. No, I was just dying. I'm like, God, the fucking audacity. And then when you see somebody who has 44 followers and zero post, you're like, this is a bot. Or. Or did Randy just make it make an account just for shits and giggles? Well, leave it up to the Internet. My buddy Taylor Capacci, who I'm dear friends with from college, he said, heather, I just googled him. And the first result is a comment he posted on nutrisystem. So then it had me start to think maybe I misread the subtext of his texts. You know, and this is why I always voice note. I like to call. I like to FaceTime, which annoys everybody in my orbit of life. They're like, please, we don't want to talk to you on the phone. Just text. But then I always say, you can't conceptualize what I'm trying to get to you, what I'm trying to say. You're going to misread it, misinterpret it. So, okay, so when Taylor says just Googled him, and in the first result is a comment he posted on the nutrisystem, I think to myself, what if Randy, Randy Foy Beck was actually saying, hey, girl, have you always been a fat bitch or at any point where you a skinny bitch? Because I am actually thinking about trying nutrisystem. Have you tried it? Have you ever thought about the nutrisystem? I just want to know, like, girly girl, did you ever do it and it worked or did it not work Also, you're still fat. Love you, lalas. You know, I was thinking about it. I'm like, maybe he's just trying to talk in lingo from one thickie to another thickie, hey, have you always been a fat bitch or were you ever skinny? And then just your life crumbled and then you decided, I'm just going to start eating that, you know, and I. And I. I could get upset. And I saw the girls and Heather, 91 1, just. Just finding Randy. Y' all, let it go. This is funny. Funny as shit. And someone's like, why would you post that? I said, I post it. One, because if this is a real person, like, hide your kids, hide your wife. People should know that if this is their neighbor, he's a fucking tool. And also if it's not, that is fucking funny to me. Everybody needs a Randy Foy Becky in their back pocket, keeping them humble. And all it did, Randall, because I'm calling you by your government name, Randall Foibeck. All it did was motivate me to grip it and fucking rip it. When I was playing golf, I need you to know I had my new Callaway wood, and I was hitting that. I was driving that about 190. Jeff has the video proof now. I didn't post it on Instagram because I didn't want to be that Satyana back on the links, day one of spring, and let y' all know how good the swing looks. But I will have you know that I ran into many of Jeff's friends out on the course, and they said, wow, Heather swing looks better than Jeff's. Shout out to Howard, Jeff's golf buddy. Shout out to Phil, Jeff's golf buddy, who played with him that morning and then saw me subsequently, what, three hours later, just absolutely shredding the gnar on the range. And I was feeling good about myself. And there's a rule in golf, at least when you're practicing, you always end on a great hit. So once you, you know, you get in the zone, you'll have a couple bad hits, couple good hits. But once you're, you know, an hour in and you. You have that great hit, you always in on a good hit. You're like, you. You're like, let's end on a good note. And I feel that way in life in general. And so I was feeling good. Jeff's like, heather, I really don't think that you're starting as low of a baseline as you think you are. Cause Phil sat with me in the clubhouse, and we were having lunch before. Cause Jeff and Phil had just finished a round of golf. And then I met Jeff up there to, like, you know, go hit balls and dick around. And Phil said, heather, why do you want to get back into golf? And I said, well, I gotta be honest with you, Phil. I really need something. I'm actively trying to better myself. I'm actively working on my mental health. I'm actively trying to get my physical body, mental, you know, head, mind, body, spirit, the whole thing, the whole full monty together. And I said, I think I would really like something that's outdoors where I can meet other women and just also have an excuse to spend more time with Jeff. We had so much fun in Japan, and I, again, also want to ruin the one thing that he loves, which is escaping from me on the golf course. And Jeff's always like, no, are you kidding me? I think it's so sexy. Let's play together. But I said, phil, I'm almost so intimidated trying to pick the sticks back up again because I really have not played in like 15 years. Like, really played. And I'll go to the range every now and then, but I haven't, like, played played. But I think it'd be so much fun to meet a new group of women at our club, join a ladies nine hole. Like, I really want to get back into the game and have something that would help me lower my cortisol, right? So Phil was really kind of like a sports therapist. He was out there kind of psychoanalyzing me and being like, why do you want to get back in the game? I'm like, phil, I just need something to tan my legs and an excuse to be up Jeff's asshole more than I already am. But I was feeling good about myself. We left the range on a nice hit, and then I open that fucking phone and I see, Randall, you always been a fat bitch. Yes, Randy, yes, I have. So that's where I've been at mentally. But it is good. It is good. I mean, that's the story of my life. The story of home is just when I'm at a high, I walk in the front door and Robin takes me down 10 pegs. So no matter how much you are ever watching me on YouTube, my specials on Instagram, you're like, I hate your face. Me too, bitch. Me too. Yeah, same. Robin's gonna tell me if I walk in the door and I look tired. I'm a millennial woman with a boomer mother. What do you think is happening at home? I'm getting ripped. I'm getting roasted. There's no safe space at home. I thought I was having a nice, pleasant afternoon Sunday with the boys, and I opened the phone and I got Randall up my ass asking me if I always been a fat bitch. Meanwhile, I feeling good about myself and my new show me your Moo Moo puma golf collab. I mean, fuck me, Randall. Fuck me up, Randy. But that's what you need, man. You need. You need a Randy every now and then. Just to bring you back down to base camp to let you know, honey, you got work to do. You're not where you need to be. You gotta get back to it. So that was also just kind of a nice motivator. I mean, it fired me up on the golf Course. But then it also was a nice motivator to remember. You're always gonna have to fight claw, claw your way back to the top of your game, no matter what it is, whether it's mahjong, tennis, you're playing bridge, you got a book club in the neighborhood. Maybe if you've been out of that social scene for a minute, you're gonna have to infiltrate and you're going to have to take a few licks before you're back at it and you're feeling confident again. So while I didn't love what Randall said to me, I also fudgeing, loved it. Thanks, Randy. Thank you, Randall. Voy beck. Hope you're doing well. Oh God, what is going on? So what else I do this weekend? Oh, I had a. Guys, I had a day at the ballpark. I am officially, I know I'm probably sitting in the most unflattering way you could sit in my office. I'm a T ball mom. Now, I don't know if you know this, but I am fully a T ball mom. And by that I spend my Saturdays at the T ball, the T ball fields with all my friends kids. We had a double header, a back to back. Now my friends, 4 year olds watching 4 year olds play T ball was one of the most hysterical, entertaining things there is. 65 parents to 12 children out in the field. I'm talking and you're probably like Heather, that mathematically doesn't make sense. There are grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins. The whole fucking town shows up to help these four year olds run around and cry. All they were doing was hitting a ball, running, crying in the grass back to the grass, hanging on grandma, and then eating snacks. It was the most entertaining, maybe 23 and a half minutes I've ever seen. And what? I just want to say something, shout out to all the sports moms out there because I am really impressed with the way that y' all have leveled up the post game snacks. When I played sports, I remember I was lucky if I got a loose orange slice at the bottom of a Rubbermaid Tupperware box, right? They've been sloshing around, they were pre sliced, they were getting a little filmy, a little foamy. Sitting in the Georgia heat on a Saturday afternoon, maybe got one of those, a Capri sun if somebody's dad was rich and you got a bag of Doritos. Now those were simpler times. And honestly, if I could think about the most balanced meal for my heart and my metabolism, it would be orange sliced Doritos. Capri sun, perfect period. These kids at my friend Mary Beth's children's 4 year old baseball game, they were in plastic little baggies, four different types of ribbon. They got freeze dried strawberries, some delicious organic like apple slices and a really nice like white cheddar organic corn puff. They all got a sweet treat after that. And let me tell you something right now. I went down to the concession stand. First of all, they had a chef. They had 65 people working. I said, I don't want to hear that nobody's got a job. The concession stand is fully staffed. You could get some of those concession stand workers down at TSA and we'd really be cooking with gas. I had one of the best chicken fingers and fries I've ever had in my life at the, at the concessions. Reasonably priced, well seasoned. The fries were the double batter, extra crispy, you know what I'm talking about, where they almost had that like golden orangey, sunsetty hue on them. And you just know that's a double fried, double starched, extra gluten potato. Potatoes don't have gluten, but you know what I'm saying. And they were amazing. So I took my friend's little girl Hayden during the next game. I said, hayden, I'm starving. I didn't realize I was going to be here for 65 hours. You want to go down to the concession? She said, yeah girl. I said, I'll get you a snow cone. So we go down there, I get a Coke Zero by my girl Hayden, a snow cone. And I'm like, what's cooking back there, dog? And literally those chicken tenders and they weren't the kind of the Cisco chicken tender where you peel it open and everything looks a little grainy and it's congealed. This was ribbons texture, it was fibers of chicken. And I was like, this is fucking great. Now I knew if I went back and ate the chicken tenders and fries in front of all the other baseball moms, they would judge because they're all Pilates, very thin, you know, they're very smoothie. They go to this place called the Detox Bar. They drink a lot of juice and meanwhile I needed my go go juice, which was a Coke Zero and some chicken tenders and fries. So Hayden and I sat on a bench and I said, I hate to do this to you Hayden, but don't tell anybody. The big dog over here had chicken fingers and fries. So I had about three, shoveled a bunch of french fries in my mouth, threw em out and I walked back with a popsicle to be like, oh, I just got a coke and a popsicle. It was a lie. So, Randy Foy Beck, to answer your question, yes, I have always been a fat bitch. Always. So anywho, we get back and now I'm watching the 6 year olds game and I mean, the snacks are even nicer for the six year olds. It's unbelievable. Everything's perfectly packaged. It looks like a goodie bag from a birthday party. They got Spider man snow cones and shit. I mean, I am absolutely. Everyone's got a their own Stanley. These kids are six. They got a Stanley that says Wyatt on it. What are we doing here? I didn't even have a water at my soccer games. We had a giant communal jug from a company called Igloo. It never got washed out and we were lucky if somebody put maybe a stick of lemon lime Gatorade in there just so we couldn't taste the mold. And these kids are living la vida loca with their prepackaged all organic white cheddar corn puffs and a freeze dried strawberry treat. You know how nice it would have been to have freeze dried strawberries when my blood sugar was low after winning every fucking soccer game? Would have been nice. However, I would have been so dry mouthed that if I would have walked off the soccer field, grabbed a handful of freeze dried strawberries, I would have choked. That's like putting sand chips on a hot beach. I would have been choking. But I'm watching these kids and my friend's mom, Mary's mom was like, you know, I'm watching the little kids run around, I'm taking the kids to concessions. And she goes, heather, you're just such a good mom. And I said, one might, I said, Sue Ellen, one might say I'm the best mom with no children. And I just paid off Hayden. I paid her $10 to not tell anybody my little secret, which is I just ate chicken tenders and fries because all the, all the Pilates mommies would be judging me. But your girl was hungry. But it was so much fun seeing these kids and one of the dads. Okay, I'm not trying to do T ball bits right now, but one of the dads on the other team. So my friend's kids, actually, I'm not going to say their team name because who knows, you know, people are weird. I'm not trying to expose the children either way. So it's two very important teams. My friends, husband, husbands. I'm friends with a lot of the dads are that sound, I didn't like how that came out. I'm friends with a lot of the dads on T ball. I also have no kids, but I'm friends with the dads. That sounded so fucked up. What I mean is, my friend Stacy and Mary Beth, their husbands are the head captain and the co captain of this baseball team. And so I am just there to support, okay? So the other team, the dad's pitch. So when you're six years old and you're playing baseball, the dad from your team will throw the ball and pitch to you. This poor guy on the Cubs. Holy shit. He throws the ball. Kid goes to hit it, direct line to the nuts. Everybody in the stands now. This place is also fucking packed. Everybody in the stands is just like, oh, shit. And when I say everybody, it's just me yelling oh, shit in front of a ton of children. The guy gets up and you can tell he is writhing in pain. He runs to the outfield. I think he's going to start projectile vomiting. He's trying to catch his breath. He's shaking it off. The wife is kind of like itching in the stands, like, you know, Mac, you need me. You need some ice for them nuts. I'm like, somebody grab him some freeze dried strawberries. A man is dying. And he collects himself after a solid four and a half minutes, comes back, finishes that inning. Two innings later, same kid up to bat on his own team, hits him in the nuts again. This time he knows to kind of catch it quickly with the mitt. And he just yells, God damn it, can you aim for my head, not my nuts. I was just like, this is the realest guy on this fucking team. He doesn't yell, God damn it. But he's just like, hey, aim for. Aim for my head, not my garage. And I'm thinking, that would have been my dad. My dad would have said it. Listen, motherfuckers, y' all have hit me in the nuts too many times. Help a bitch out. Somebody get me some freeze dried strawberries. Mm. And I was so impressed and also turned on by how hot these dads were being a part of their children's lives. Meanwhile, my husband had dipped out halfway through the game for his nieces and nephews. Cause he's like, I got a tea time. Jeff was like, well, don't make me feel bad. I will absolutely be present when it's our kids. Don't make me feel bad, Heather. I'm like, oh, I'm making you feel bad? Because they're going to make Me feel bad for wolfing down chicken tenders and fries behind an oak tree, like, because I was hiding from all the skinny mommies. And I'm making you feel bad for leaving our nephew's game early because you had a tee time. He's like, well, I wouldn't do that if it was our kids. I'm like, these are our kids. Until further notice, these are our children. But shout out to the. The youth baseball community of Atlanta and the moms and the dads, rolling up their sleeves, actively getting kicked in the dick, and having to spend an absolute fortune at a Costco on just high end snacks. I was so unbelievably impressed with the selection. Just, I really was impressed. And it made me nostalgic for when I played soccer and I was doing sports. And it made me giggle because these kids just don't know how good they have it. And when a couple of them were getting a little antsy in the outfield and, and just pissed off, or they, you know, just itchy and it's hot, they're covered in dirt and syrup for God knows what reasons. I just want. I really wanted to look at these kids and go, you have no idea. I had oral thrush at some point because I accidentally ate a foamy orange slice that had been. It was like last week's Tupperware had been sitting in the back of someone's mom's van. Well, she brought both of them out, not knowing that her daughter never took out last week's. So she displayed all of the orange slices, and I was eating weak old orange slices. And I'm pretty sure canker sores followed very shortly after that. My mom's like, why do you have a rash all over your face and your projectile vomiting? I'm like, it's the orange slices. I mean, it was rough. If you didn't get oral thrush from eating a week old orange slice from the mom on your soccer team who drove the white Astro van, you didn't play youth sports. And I'm telling you what it is. I am actively shopping for new, fabulous things for my new house. And where am I getting them? Obviously, you know, Wayfair, whether you're just trying to change your aesthetic, you want a spring refresh, you're trying to organize your home or just start a new home project, like furniture upgrades. You want to buy some accent pieces, some functional decor. Maybe you went into your kid's playroom and you're like, this needs to be organized. I need bedroom updates. I need to make this A working, functioning space. Well then you're going to love Wayfair. Because one of the reasons Wayfair is the fricking best is, well, it's got thousands of five star reviews so you can shop with confidence. Find furniture, decor and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. All you got to do is head to Wayfair.com or right now and shop all things home. That's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. It's so easy to shop, order and receive your items directly to your house and then you know what you get in your space and you're like, I'm so glad I have something new that can help my space function the way it should. Installation and assembly services are available for the truly seamless experience. And again, five star reviews. Also what's great is you can go on and read reviews on all the different pieces of furniture and organizations and so you know what you're getting and you can tell if you're getting exactly what you need for your space. I freaking love Wayfair and I know you will too. Upgrade your space with quality pieces that work with your budget. Plus enjoy fast free shipping and easy assembly options. Again, all you gotta do is go to wayfair.com wayfair every style, every Home Are you cleaning out your closet and you want some fabulous wardrobe staples that are going to look look great through the spring and summer? Well then you need to check out quints. Talk about elevated essentials that just make you feel fantastic and they're no brainers. When you're going in your closet, you got to head to a work trip or you're headed to the lake for the weekend and you need to know what to get. Pick up your Quint's essentials. What I love is they have 100% organic cotton sweaters. Premium denim made with stretch for all day comfort luxe cotton cashmere blends perfect for the changing seasons. Everything you could need for your wardrobe that actually lasts. And here's the deal. Doing a wardrobe refresh has never been easier with Quince. All you gotta do is go to quince.com absolutely for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. It is now available in Canada too. So that's Q-U-I-N c e.com quince.com Absolutely. To get free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Absolutely. You will thank me later. It is the frickin best. I bought everything from Mongolian Cashmere At Quince to a gorgeous loveseat. I buy it all from Quince. You're gonna love their European linen and their organic cotton. Everything is built to hold up season after season. The stitching, the fit, the fabrics. These are pieces you'll reach for forever. Again, all you gotta do is go to quince.com absolutely. For free shipping on your order and 365 day return. What else is on my list here? Okay, I got that. I'm coming to Red Bank Detroit. Oh, very. I got a car. I'm leasing it. It's a lease. Everybody pumped the brakes. I was so overwhelmed with trying to make a decision. And I was like, I'm just gonna lease it through the business. I'll keep it for two years and then whatever, but. And I got hooked up with this car salesman. Cause I wanted a very specific car, like people kept offering me. I'm like, hey, I love you, but I don't know. Volvo. I specifically want this Audi. It zips around. I enjoy it. And this guy who I used, I would recommend him to other people, but his sales style, even though I told him, I said, I'm never coming into the place, this is the price I want, he checked all the things off the box. He checked all the things I asked him to off the list, but it was still just called me 16 times in a row. Talk so fast. We were on the phone at one point and I said, the paperwork has been sent. The money is sent. You gotta calm the fuck down, buddy. Cause you're talking so fast, I'm about to lose my mind. And I know that there is a billion dollar business of just having female car sales women. Because dealing with men, however long they've been in the business, no matter how great their track record is, no matter how great of a deal they give you, it's just the social norms of dealing with a male car salesman. It's just. You want to kill yourself. You're like, I would rather have every single one of my fingernails ripped off than having to deal with you guys. And he had his assistant drop the car off at my house. She's showing me all the bells and whistles, how to use, you know, the apple carplay and all that shit. And I was like, I, I, I know that he did a great job, but it was so much nicer dealing with you today. I couldn't do it. And she's like, I get it. And this is why people love just ordering online. This is why women want to shop online. Because I don't want to Deal with it. I don't want to deal with. With your ass. Oh, my God. And I really appreciate so many of y' all reached out and you're like, call my guy. Call my guy. I got it done. But I literally gave this guy parameters. I said, I'm walking out of the office at 5pm you send me the paperwork. This is what I'm paying. And you had that car to me by 9am tomorrow and we got a deal. Capiche? Capiche. But, my God, it's exhausting. Billion dollar idea just having women sell cars. I hate to be sexist on this one, but it needs to happen. Tina's in the other room and she is on a zoom about the cruise. Y' all get excited. The cruise is happening. I am so fucking pumped. We are finalizing talent. We're getting all that done. The announcement will be very soon. We've kind of done a teaser, but this cruise is going to be so fucking epic. And there's going to be surprises for people who are even on the cruise that they will not know, but y' all will know about. That sounds confusing. It is confusing. But just get excited. We are so fucking pumped we're finalizing all this. I mean, it takes a year to plan. We're still trying to get the okays and, you know, work out the contracts with everybody's agents. So it's happening. But it. The announcement will be very soon and I cannot wait. And we're thinking about doing a little cruise throwback for the show in Nashville. If you're coming to my show in Nashville at the Ryman, I believe it's April 16th is the date. We are going to be having an after party with some of the cruise VIPs. And if you were on the cruise, you're going to go, you're going to know where the after party is. And that's all I'm going to say. I'll release more information, but we're going to have a fricking party, throwback dance party, post show at the Ryman. So if you're in Nashville, get excited. Yeah. So that's what's up. I'm a T ball mom, you know. We went and had a fabulous girls dinner. Afterwards, we celebrated our friend Brooke, who just finished up chemo. We're so happy for her. It was a little belated birthday celebration and we all took a quarter of a gummy and I was laughing so hard that I confessed to every all the Pilates mommies at the table that I had gotten chicken fingers and fries. At the T Ball concession stand and we were just crying, laughing, and I hadn't realized how badly I had needed a girl's dinner like that, where we weren't even like partying that hard. We were just fucking giggling and talking shit and having that female energy felt so good. And I know that that is a feeling we will also have on the cruise. And if you're a man listening to this and you're like, I want to come on the cruise, please. We need the balance. It's so much fun. And all the husbands that came on the cruise still had a fucking blast. If you're a gay man, come on the cruise. It's going to be a fucking blast. If you're a single man, come on the cruise because you're going to get laid. It. They're just. There's so much fun. I did have that feeling Sunday morning when I woke up post girls dinner and I turned to Jeff and I was like, there. You just will never get it. I know you think you have fun playing with your boys, doing golf, watching FIFA or wherever the fuck y' all do. You will never understand the joy that is sitting at a eight top with a bunch of women drinking champagne dipping garlic fries and a nice aioli over a gorgeous steak, just absolutely letting it rip. That is a joy. That is just. It's. It's kind of hard to comprehend, but that is a joy that I have this weekend. So we're back to work. We're back at it again. I will be in Detroit and I will be in Red Bank, NJ this weekend. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com then I'm flying to LA. I got a gig there. Not doing a show until Netflix is a joke, but I am shooting a commercial, which is very exciting. So I'm gonna fly out there and I swear to God, I pray that we have this shit figured out. I briefly looked at how scary it was that ICE was detaining some citizens today too. I'm sure that's gonna happen. I feel like all of this is an absolute intimidation factor and it's supposed to make us scared and it's also supposed to get us very used to see, seeing ICE agents and then you. The next thing you know, it will all be privatized and none of us will be able to fly. So get excited. But I'm very excited to see you guys this weekend. So thank you so much for getting tickets again. It's at heather on tour.com and I'll be driving up to Knoxville. That's what's up? All right, let's get to some voicemails. Let's see. I think Tina might have sent some voicemails over. I want to hear what you guys have been up to. See? Let's see. All right, here we go.
- [52:20]
B
Hi, Heather, this is Tara. I just left you a message, but I didn't like it, so I'm calling back. I just wanted to say that I have an absolutely knot for you, and I love your take on it. A few years ago, I was heading to Mexico from LA with my husband, and I had purchased the most beautiful hat, all my most prized possessions in it to take as a carry on. And it had things. Gifts from my wedding, from my parents, a beautiful bracelet from a friend's dead mother, a brand new. Well, by brand new, I mean vintage Balenciaga bag that I had saved all my money up for and found the day before, and all my best sunglasses. Everything that is too nice for me to bring out any other time of the year except for on a fancy vacation. So he's carrying my carry on. And when we land in Mexico, I turn to him and he doesn't have it. And I say, hi, carry on. He had left it in the airport, at lax, in the terminal. Now I would like to say electric chair to him for that, and I'm still not over it. Three years later, when I think of any of those items or look at him sometimes, I want to murder him. What's your take? What would you have done? Tiramisu, bitch.
- [53:58]
A
Well, absolutely not to ever relinquishing any of your prized possessions to a man, because they just will simply never care for our things the way that we care for them. I mean, if Jeff lost his book bag that he got for free from Team USA Olympics that they sent to him, that's what he uses as a carry on. I mean, what's in there? It's. It's wipes for his ass. So in case he shits himself on a plane, it's maybe an iPad that's probably got a little bit of porn on it and some golf technique videos. What else is in there? Because his wallet's on him in his back pocket. His watch is on his wrist. I mean, there's nothing in there. I mean, when we were traveling to Japan, I said, Jeff, we're traveling 12 hours to Asia. You need to, in your carry on, have a fresh pair of underwear, a fresh pair of pants, like a full day's outfit, some fresh socks. God forbid they lose our luggage, or God forbid we get delayed or something happens. We need to have fresh drawers. You don't want to be trapped in the sky for 12 hours without a fresh pair of panties. What are you doing? Just like, I don't need it. I'm good. I was like, you're insane. You're insane. Now, I love that he volunteered to help you. And this is the other thing. Men, they do this where they volunteer to help. I don't want your help because you never close the loop. Finish the job. Jeff will volunteer to power wash or pressure wash the backyard, but he's not also then picking up the dog poop. It's one or the other. I said close the loop. Don't just pressure wash. Finish the whole thing. Make the whole thing nice. And listen, it's a little bit on you, and I hate to do that. I'm not trying to gaslight you, but you relinquished your most prized possessions. I mean, your friend's dead mother's bracelet. Come on, that's on you. You're allowed to be angry. Three years later, you are. You're allowed to be angry. You're allowed to be driving your car and just want to, you know, run it into a Starbucks. Don't do it. You're allowed to feel that way, but this is a little bit on you. We can't be leaving these men up. You think that they can think about your carry on and their carry on and the fact that they got crumbs on their shirt. They're trying to figure out, okay, what tee time? Can I get that at Cabo Wabos? Come on, you gotta be smarter than that. I mean, we were traveling to Japan, and I had already filled out all the visa paperwork. I got everything on lock. So then when we got to the airport, Jeff was going to turn to me and go, what do we do? Already done. Now, some might say that's enabling, but no, I just know when we travel, I'm already going to book the car. Like, certain things when we travel, I'm already going to take the reins on it. Once we get there, Jeff will have an itinerary and he'll knock it out of the park. But in the meantime, the A to B, that's the thing. It's that the men can't do the A to B. Once you get to B, they can get us to C, or we can hover at B for a while, but they can't do the A to B and then the C to D. They can do the B to C. They can do the middle, but they can't do the bookends. And we all know that men can't bookend. They can't get us there or get us home, but when we get there, they can shit the bed, you know, or whatever. Once we get there and we've gotten there, it's done. But all the details leading up to there and from there, it's not going to happen. My dad used to always lose it on my mom when she would be like, shutting down the house. He'd be like, robin, what are you doing? Like, I'm giving my dad a New York accent. He's like, robin, what are you doing? He's like, just get in the car. We're going to pull the stick out of your ass. We're going to the Turks and Caicos. And my mom would just be, like, shaking in the kitchen, like, if I can't come back to a filthy house, you know? And I never got it until I became an adult, and I was like, oh, I get it. I want to come home to a house where the bed is made, the sheets are clean, you know, and I'll sleep in a spray tan before a trip. And now I'll literally wear, like, a full sweat set so I don't get anything on the sheets because I've already changed the sheets. Like, I want to make sure that when I come home, I'm getting in a very fresh bed. And that's where we're at. We're doing good. I'm going to do maybe one more voicemail after this, and that's the way I like it. But the fact that you thought at any point that your husband was going to remember your purse or your bag at the airport, that's on you again. He can book the tea time in Cabo. He can make sure you get to Senor Frog. He can even make a reservation at Nobu so that you can have a gorgeous crispy rice, spicy tuna, and a spicy margarita overlooking the Pacific, the Baja Peninsula. But if you think that he was going to remember to bring your family heirlooms in your Vera Bradley bag with the Balenciaga purse in the Vera Bradley bag, he wasn't going to do it. He had a chicken biscuit at Popeyes in the morning. His stomach was gurgling, and he was. He wasn't paying attention. This is what we have to realize. I can get Jeff to the thing, and he can do the thing once we get there, but the going to and from, that's on us. And it's a bigger conversation that we will figure out. But that is on us. I'm upset that he lost your Balenciaga bag. Although I don't really support them, but you know what I mean. I'm upset that you lost that family. Also, why were you traveling with family heirlooms? You had your parents wedding gift in there. Also, where were we going? Were we escaping? Imagine if ICE went through your bag. They'd have some questions. You're allowed to be angry. I do back you up on that. But absolutely not to at any point thinking that a man could watch your shit in an airport. I mean, it's just not going to happen. Jeff is able to take care of him himself and only him when it comes to travel. And we will talk more about that on the bonus episode this week where we break down all of our ups and downs of traveling together. And we've done it enough now. But I know I will always have a rolling suitcase with me. I will always have a rolling carry on. And Jeff's like, you don't even have that much shit. Why are you carrying that? I said, because if we get stuck in an immigration line for seven hours going through customs, you know what? I want something strapped to my back. I put my book bag on my rollie. I like to be hands free. I got a little crossbody with my fanny pack. I'm ready. Or with my passport, I'm ready to go. But every wise woman knows that you cannot ask your husband to watch your carry on. Next thing you know, there's a game on, on the screen at the Chili's at the airport. And they're like, oh, let me see what the. Let me see what the Timberwolves are doing. You're like, you don't even watch basketball. Oh, forget it. If you're traveling with your family right now for spring break and March madness is going on, you. You better have the kids on leashes at the airport because the husband, Your husbands are not going to be paying attention. Oh, it's a masters commercial for the golf tournament. Oh, let me see. Think, think. Next thing you know, your four year olds somehow ended up in baggage claim. I mean, you guys have got to lock. You guys, you gals have got to lock it in. And I know people say that's weaponized incompetence. It is a little bit. But also just know, hold on to your shit at the airport because these, these hoes can't be trusted. And by hoes, I mean Randall, I mean Randy. You gotta be three steps ahead of it. And if you don't think eventually when I do have kids. And I am actually the T ball mom. If you don't think that I'm gonna have the kids on a little fuzzy leash or they'll have the little spider man book bag and the web reaches out to a handcuff that's connected to me. Cause I'm keeping an eye on those little shit. You must not know me and you also must not know I gotta get on the road. I think this is a great place for us to wrap up because I also. This leads us right into the spring break woes. Some of y' all are still going on spring break. Some of y' all already went on it again. I want you to call in. You have till this Thursday. So I'm giving you 24 hours. When this comes out, you're gonna call 800-213-7503 and I want you to leave your favorite spring break. Absolutely not. It could be from growing up. It could be from, you know, a trip you did last week from things that are happening at your kids school. I want to know what was your absolutely not a spring break. Because we are going to be getting into it. That is going to lead us into announcing the cruise and all the exciting things that are happening. So I want to hear. And so if you leave a great voicemail, we will call you back on a live hotline. I believe on Monday or Tuesday of the following week. It's going to be on Monday. I'm going to be in la. So we'll figure out the timing, we will send you guys the information and we will get you live on the podcast, which has been a dream come true. I've always wanted to try this, so we're gonna make it happen. I'll tell you what, this was a fun, zesty episode and it feels good to be back in the basement. We may have to, we may have to bring the whole operation home. And in the meantime, between time, remember, I've always been a fat bitch. Thank you, Randy. Thank you guys. I'll see you on the next episode. I'll see you at the shows this weekend. Ciao, bella. Arrivederci. By. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rate us and leave a review and as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. I.