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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are ya? Happy Friday. Welcome to the bonus episode. These are fun. I like to sprinkle these in. You know, sometimes we do a replay of an old episode because I have so many new followers or listeners, as I should say nowadays. So it's. We've been kind of like experimenting with doing some bonus episodes where we, you know, sprinkle in an old episode that we think will really, I don't know, give a more well rounded view of who I am, what this is, and what we've been up to the last. How long has this podcast been going on? Six years? Longer. I'm almost at my 400th episode. Tina's on a couch that you can't see tinkering on the interwebs. And I'm almost on the 400th episode, so love doing these little bonuses. It's an extra part of my week that I get to giggle with you and. Mm, hold on, let me. Mm. It was a good iced coffee. Little ASMR for you. I apologize, I'm a little bit hoarse and I'm quite run down. And I promise you, eventually we will do podcasts where I feel great and I feel like I've never been more energized. But we have definitely been burning the candle at both ends. And this weekend I had a really fun. I had a really fun experience. You know, I was up in Westchester, the best. Chester, where my honey Jeffrey Daniels is from, and his gorgeous sister, my sister in law Jess had a wonderful wedding. Congratulations to Jess and Jaziel. Jazzy is a new member of the family. We're thrilled to have him and he is so great and so funny. So I feel very blessed that we, the. The family is expanding and had a great time. They put on a beautiful wedding. It was fantastic to see all of Jess friends and all the crazy cousins. So that was a really, really fun time. And you know, I was there. I was there and that's what matters. Okay. Anywho. Oh, I got a Westchester blowout. Let's talk about that. So, you know, obviously I'm a Southern belle. I'm from the South. I love a Southern bell blowout. And I don't mean like, you know, when I say blowout, I mean hair blowout. Okay, get your mind out of the gutter. There's nothing better than the, you know, the higher the hair, the closer to God. But I went to Soleil Salon. Oh, sorry. Salon Low Lait in Rye, New York. And my Tina's mom has been running the show there for a minute. And sweet Nancy, who owns the salon, gave me one of the best blowouts I've ever had. When I say that this woman had 16 aluminum, like, metal round brushes in my head at one point, and then when she pulled them out, it was a perfect curly tendril. There was never breakage. I was so absolutely, truly blown away with the blowout. And, I mean, it was just. It was perfect. So I'm walking out of this Westchester, Rye, New York moment with a gorgeous blowout, feeling myself ready to take on the weekend. And I'll tell you, Rye, New York, very nice. Very nice. My kind of place. Very, very nice. All I'm saying is, Rye. I could do rye. I could do rye. You know what I mean? I couldn't be up in Westchester. And it's not because I don't love it. It's just because I couldn't be up in Westchester. Do you think I could be up in Westchester? On one side of Westchester, I could be. So I could be on the Rye side. Okay. Could be on the right side. I would be. I would do well in Rye. That's all I'm saying. I would do well in Rye. I liked the little downtown. It was very cute. We went to Aurora. We had a glass of wine. Then I went to another place called Aura, had a nice T bone steak. Rye was nice. I very much so liked rye. So I had a good time at the salon. Lay shout out to Nancy, shout out to Eileen, and we were in the thick of it. I did have one of the best bacon, egg, and cheeses I've ever had in my life. And that is somewhere in Yonkers. And I. I think it's called Goldberg's, but it's in Yonkers. And my husband has been taking me there for 20 years. And every time I go into that place, they're like, when are you getting married? I'm like, we've been married for six years, but wonderful, you know, New York suburb weekend. And now we're back. But we are back in the city. And what else is happening? You know, we're gearing up to shoot the special. There's a lot going on. I've got a fitting today with my crew from snl. I'm doing some other interviews. This week. So we are cranking along, and it's also 110 degrees in New York right now. Okay? This is what's happening with. With global warming. It's either a blizzard or it's 98 fucking degrees. So we are fully in the. The season of summer. Linen dress, titties down to your waist. There is no bra. There is no room for a sticky boob. So just free the nip, free the titty, let it go. Sweat drop down my balls. All skeet, skeet. You get it? That's where we're at. So I figure if we're really going to skeet ski today, and I am braless, shoeless, toothless, and homeless, I figure we should get into some of these conspiracy theories. I was trying to think about a fun topic for a bonus episode where I'm not just rambling, although this will 100% be rambling. And I queued up everybody last week to say, hey, send me in some of your conspiracy theories. Because, you know, I've said this before, but I was deep on the inter. The dark side of the interwebs, like, 15 years ago, and I could barely bring this up to anybody, and everyone thought I was nuts. And now everybody is on board with me. So that's all I'm saying, is that I've been dialed in into this for quite some time now. I never made it my whole personality. I was never a QAnon, never believed that shit. That's when I swayed. When I saw that the Q were back in Trump. I said, I'm out. I'm out. But if you don't think that the aliens are in Antarctica, you got another thing coming, buster. I'm either gonna gain followers or lose a lot. And this is not rooted in any sort of video evidence. I am just. I asked y' all last week to send me in your favorite conspiracy theories that we could discuss on a bonus episode so we could really spiral on a Friday. And y' all did the Lord's work and sent them in, so I feel like we should just go through some of these and just get to it. Okay. Somebody was asking about the scientists that are all missing or passing. It's an inside job. Now. I briefly spoke on this two weeks ago on the podcast. Don't know where the scientists are, but something seems a little suspicious. Okay. Robin said, and she stands steadfast in her belief. That's not great time to be a scientist right now. In fact, if you are a scientist, I might tell people you're a barista. Go Undercover. I don't know where the scientists are going, but they all know something, and it's about the aliens. Now, something that also kind of intertwines with this is Trump posted a photo yesterday, a real photo of him walking. It looks in front of, like some airplane hangars. It's obviously AI him walking with a giant alien that is in handcuffs. Did you see this, Dina? It's pretty bad. It's pretty bad. And then was like some other army or military servicemen, and he posted this photo of him with the aliens. And, you know, they're about to let us know about the aliens. Okay. Are you pulling up the photo? Yeah, so. Right. It's. It's. Well, the alien is now unhand. I thought the alien was handcuffed. He is not. Oh, it's on the bottom. So he is chained. The alien is chained. And it's a giant gray. But this guy. First of all, let's talk about the alien has a sick body. I mean, absolutely fucking ripped. And he's trim. So they photoshopped Trump to make him look trim. And then this alien that is walking next to Trump is ripped. I'm talking 12 pound pack abs, 0% body fat. When he did his in body scan, he got great results. Okay. No visceral fat. So here's my thing with every conspiracy theory. You know, they say that, like, the Illuminati will always let you know what's about to happen. They'll put things out there in some sort of form for it to be digestible to you. So then when it actually happens, you're like, wait, we should have known this was coming. So here's my question. Are the aliens, when they show up, about to be hotties? That's a very important question for me. Yeah, maybe Tina. Tina has been really, you know, and I have to tread lightly on encouraging the dating, but I think that's where it is. I think maybe your husband is a Gray. He is not of this world. And Tina just said he's not of this world. And we always knew that he was not of this world. You know, what if you get like a musical theater ripped, ripped alien. A gray. But now, I always thought that the Grays were like tiny people. And then they were weird. They were, this guy's hot. I'm just saying, if the aliens come down and they're hot, I'm not mad at it. You know, and you shouldn't be either. How hard is it to teach an alien how to sing hello, Dolly? It's not that hard. It's not that hard. I mean, and if they're coming down and we already know that they have more intelligence than us. Right. They're an evolved society, then they. They already probably know. They already know what they know. And so how nice would it be to teach them a little song and dance, a little musical theater? Oh, my God, it'd be incredible. I bet you don't have to ask an alien three times to take out the trash. Tell you that right now. So, yeah, Are all of the scientists missing? Yes, but are they. What? How many? How many have disappeared? So. Well, that's five confirmed. There's four that are missing. Five that have disappeared. Oh, deceased. Okay, I'm sorry. So what's the total? I think 12 scientists. She's looking it up right now. Yeah, they're all dead or missing. And they all go missing during a hike. Now, here's my only thing the hike could be. No, no, the hike is they're getting beamed up by the aliens or somebody's coming in, Black Hawk down grabbing them. That's all I'm saying. Now, am I a little nervous being in this very fancy dear media studio talking about the scientists going missing? I am. I surely am. But these are the conversations I have with my friends over a couple aperol spritzes. So why not put it on a complete international platform and stream where? Wherever you can stream podcasts. Wow, I am really struggling with my brain right now. Quint's is the only place that I can literally buy European luxury linen clothing. I can buy a couch. I've bought new linens for my guest bedrooms. And I bought outdoor patio furniture and a new suitcase and a gorgeous Italian leather purse. That's right. You know, I love quints. Okay. 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Okay. Ooh, this is a new one. Data centers are so billionaires can ruin the power water grids, privatize and control us. Now, I gotta be honest with you. I have now been fed in this algorithm about these data centers. And I had a very intense conversation with Steve Botsford about these damn data centers last night. I don't understand the data centers, they're all over. And now I keep getting sent these videos of people in a town hall meeting where they're begging their representatives and the legislature of their town to vote against the data center. And these Data centers have four. They use 4 million gallons of water like an hour or some crazy shit. It's already too dry, okay? It's already too dry. I don't know what to tell you. We have no water, we have no food, we have no jobs. Our pets heads are falling off. Now you need more water. And I remember, I don't know, seven years ago, they always said that the number one commodity that we're all going to be desperate for is water. We're running out of water. We're running out of water. So now we got to feed the fucking computers. You know, I never really fully understood when the bitcoins, you know, all those servers, those bitcoin farms, they all needed the waters. Why does a computer need water? Isn't it electronic? Make it make sense. Was it to cool it off? Somebody's gonna say, well, Heather, it's to cool off the modems. Well, the last time I got a glass of water near my iPad, it shut the fuck down. So I don't know what the fuck y' all are talking about. Make it make sense for me, okay? I have a theater degree and I'm asking the hard hitting questions. Would you build a moat around the data center? I don't understand do you need. Do you need water for an AC unit? Oh, yeah, you do. See, and that's something I'm gonna tell you right now. If you. Okay. You know, my friend's kids call me Aunt Chi Chi for Aunt Cheetah Print. If I were to tell the kids nowadays, I would say, you need to go get an H vac job. Learn how to do that, start a plumbing business. Something tangible. Become a welder. You know, maybe underwater welding. Because, shit, if they're building all these data centers, you. You might have to be welding under the moat. I don't know what to do, but either way, I said I was gonna take the summer off. I might be at welding school. Buckle up, bitches. Learn how to garden. Get a farm. A raised garden bed in the back. We have two giant raised garden beds that we built in our backyard. And no one has any time to plant. So I told my sister and my mom. I'm like, guys, go to Home Depot. Go to Pike's Nursery. Just get the seeds, throw em all in there. Do a little water. We need squash. We're running outta water. And this is not an episode to make everyone spiral. I'm just truly brain dumping in the next 30 minutes all the things that y' all have feeling and I have been feeling. So it was interesting. I'm sitting at my hotel yesterday and I'm watching some, you know, just scrolling through Instagram and I see all these commencement speeches. Cause all of our friends are graduating right now. And all of these commencement speeches are by these big tech guys. And you know, I love technology. I love. I'm addicted to my iPhone. But all of these commencement speeches in front of these, like, liberal arts majors and all of these different people who've spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on their education and, you know, put their blood, sweat and tears into their education. These people who are giving these commencement speeches are all talking about AI like it's the next industrial revolution, it's the next thing, it's the next wave. Get on board or you're not gonna make it. And I'm not a purist in this, but everyone was getting booed. And I just found it so refreshing to see this younger generation being like, fuck you guys. You want us to be in debt? Go to school, do all this shit. And then we. Then there will be no jobs. We have no food. We have no jobs. Our pets, heads are falling off. Come on. So I felt very empowered watching all of these commencement speeches. And this one woman, I think, I don't know if she Worked for Google or who she worked for. She turned around and she looked at the other professors as she's getting booed and she's like, oh, I think I struck a chord. Like, no shit, Miriam. Yeah, of course you struck a chord. You got fricking Isabel in the back over here who became a poli sci major. And she owes Columbia University $300,000. She's going to be selling tit pics on OnlyFans in 15 minutes. And then she's got to go back to welding school. She's got to use the only fans money to then be able to get a certification to be a welder. You know, maybe that is actually what I would be good at. Hear me out, hear me out. It's got a lot of gear. I like a uniform. You know, it's fire, it's flame. I'm strong, I can hold the machine. Is it a machine? It's a gun. I've got good aim. I'm just saying I think I could do a welding. I've always liked glass blowing. That's hot. That's. It's, it's a hot. But it is a hot. It's a hot thing. But what if I did underwater welding? That's, that's comfortable. I'm a Pisces. And then I get on North Sea. What is it? North, like the China Sea, TikTok. And it's just the scariest videos you've ever seen. And it's people working out on oil rigs in the middle of the. The open ocean off of Asia. And they're like every scary creature that you could ever imagine is in that ocean. Did I watch Last Breath? What's Last Breath? No, I did not see Last Breath. He's an underwater welder and he gets stuck underwater, but because it's so cold, it puts him into a coma. So it preserves his body and then they get him out and he survives. Is this a true story, Tita? I don't think it necessarily. It's Woody Harrelson. Yeah, it's a true story. If Woody Harrelson did it, it's a true story. So all that to say that I also believe that the data centers are. They're shutting us down. Guys, we are so cooked. I was upset about something kind of random yesterday that was stressing me out. It was, you know, something silly. And then I looked at Ray. Ray was literally like Heather, nothing matters. I said, that's a great point. Let's go get a thin crust pizza and an aperol spritz because Nothing matters, okay? Somebody wrote in and said, my husband is convinced we never landed on the moon. Dude, you know I love outer space, okay? And I don't. I'm gonna say it. Had Lauren Sanchez called me and asked me to go on that little mission with Gayle and Katy Perry. I've made plenty of jokes on stage about it, but I would have done it. I would have done it. Cause I would just. I would wanna go. I love outer space. I've always been a little bit of an alien nerd. I like aviation. I like aircrafts. I mean, if you've never sat on an airplane and just looked outside and go, dude, we're floating right now. And been dead sober, not on a gummy. I don't know what to tell you. I find outside of our planet very fascinating. Okay? Do I sometimes Google black holes? I do. I'd like to know either way, do I think we landed on the moon? Guys, I've seen the tapes, and the tapes are not convincing. Now, I've also seen the videos. Was it Buzz Aldrin? And Buzz Aldrin, you know? And people want to say, oh, he's getting older. He's getting a little cuckoo. No. Buzz has said in interviews before, we ain't landed. We didn't do it. We didn't do it. Now, you can Google any video on Instagram, you can type fake moon landing, and somebody could splice something together. And that's the hard thing. Now, with CGI and AI, you really don't know what's up from down, what's left from right, do I? Now, the one deciding factor of why I don't think we landed on the moon is. Is because they answered a phone. That's the one video that I've seen where I'm like, yeah, it doesn't fully make sense. They answer a phone on the spacecraft, I believe. And like, you know, houston, we have a problem. The Space center calls down to Earth. And I don't think at that time. Now, granted, they were able to put a rocket up into the atmosphere, but they didn't have cell phone technology. I don't know. Something didn't add up there. Something didn't add up. A radio transmission. Yes, there was a radio transmission that was linked to the phone in Richard Nixon's office. Just watch the video. There's something a little fishy about it. There's something a little fishy. Now I'm gonna. Oh, God. Now I'm actually could really say some shit. And I'm worried that, like, men in gray suits are gonna show up at my door. My dad, who's dead, so there's nothing you can do. He shared a hangar, an airplane hangar, with some older guys that were in the Air Force way back in the day. They're all dead. These guys were like, you know, in their late 70s. And they would tell my dad some stories, some crazy shit. And they were like, just so you know, like, you know, everyone's smoking a cig outside of the airplane hangar. Like, we've seen some shit. So that's where all this kind of started, you know? My dad was obsessed with X Files. I'd have to come home on a Thursday night and queue up X files with my dad. And we would sit there and it was terrifying. I was too young to be watching X Files. Like it was all about alien abductions, but that was our jam. And my dad used to be like, I know. I've seen things flying. Oh, yeah. Ten minutes. We're already through it. Oh, my God. Okay, great. Wow. We're okay. It's already 11:30. Owning a home is amazing until it's not. One minute you're sipping coffee and the next, oh, guess what. Oh, yeah, I'll tell you right now, you are ankle deep in water from a burst pipe. 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All right, let's keep rolling. Somebody said, somebody said. Bobby said first lady of France. Here I am trying to actually break down conspiracy theories. And I got this. Listen, call Candace Owens on that one. I'm not trying to get sued. Call Candace Owens on that one. Yeah. Oh, here's one. Andy Cohen is Jeffrey Epstein. Do not think that is true. That's fucking hysterical. Now you guys are just playing with me. These are even better. The conspiracy theories that are not true. Andy Cohen is absolutely fantastic. I love and adore him. You know, shout out to watch what happens live and the entire Bravo universe. He is not. Now, do I think Jeffrey Epstein's chilling somewhere? Do I think Jeffrey Epstein's chilling? Do I think he's dead? I do not think he's dead. And I also saw a video of possibly Ghislaine Maxwell in Quebec. Did you see that? I'm sorry, these are. And again, I'm not trying to be my mom right now. Like I can't differentiate real from AI, but I don't. I think both of them are cruising around. Cause you know all the videos that you see at Ghislaine right now, sitting in prison, you know, and she just was going to testify and she pleaded the fifth. That didn't look like Ghislaine. That's a new nose. Now I know that she's not eaten, eaten clean in prison. But that doesn't. Something about that didn't seem right. Something about that did not seem right. I'm turning into Kevin Hart right now. Let me tell you something right now. Yeah. Oh, the Epstein is chilling. I think he's probably in Argentina. I think he's probably in Argentina, you know, or over in the Middle east, if you know what I'm saying. So, yeah, fully agree. Oh, somebody said this is. Ooh. I don't even know if I can actually talk about this. Ooh, this is going to get me in trouble. Long John Silver's is a drug front. Nobody goes there for seafood. Okay, here's the deal. I got the buff City soap warriors came after me after I said that that was a drug front. Long John Silvers, you'd be surprised. Fish sticks pretty good. Pretty good. Great fries. An incredible hush puppy. Now do the supply and demand does not really check out. I do believe that some of these. If you're going to open a new. If you're a new franchise owner, Right. If you're now in the year of our Lord in 2026, saying, you know, it's a business, I want to get into Long John Silvers, I do think that, that then you are probably using your new brick and mortar to pass drugs out the back. Something nefarious is happening out the back of the Long John Silvers. The ljs, we just know it. But do I think that they started out with good intentions? I sure do. But if you're opening new Long John Silvers, very questionable. I don't. I don't see a long line outside the long johns. Now, if you were saying, like, you know, raising canes. No, that shit's delicious. And they got the demand. The demand is there. And if they put crystal meth in the raising cane sauce, wouldn't be mad at it. You know, it would help me not get into a food coma after I had 17 tenders. Okay. A lot of the moon landing was fake. Ooh, this is a good one. Malaysian Airlines. So I watched the documentary in the Malaysian Airlines. I agree with this person. They said Malaysian Airlines flight was abducted by aliens. I agree. Or something. I don't think they say, yeah, Tina, do a quick. Do a quick fact check. Yeah. They're saying that they found. They eventually found parts. It doesn't make sense. And all my pilot buddies were like, none of this makes sense. It just went off the radar. I need a snack now. I think they were taken by aliens or they were sucked up into a. Like a. Like a vortex. And they're sitting somewhere on an island, kind of like lost. And they're used. They're either the aliens are experimenting on these poor people, or there were. I think there were some scientists. Wait, this goes full circle back to the scientists. Google. I think there were some famous scientists on the Malaysian flight. Sorry, guys. A little asmr. I'm chewing a Go Macro bar. Mm. Can't let my blood sugar dip in the middle of our conspiracy theories. Bonus episode. Okay, so hold on. It had 20 skilled engineers. They were chip designers. Tina. They were chip designers. Like Dorito chips or microchips. They could be a tortilla engineer. Wow. I'm sorry. I'm just saying, when they want you gone, they're gonna get you. Everybody get your tinfoil hat on. The Malaysian thing did not make sense. And when did the Malaysian flight go down? Well, give me a 2014. Yes. My dad was still alive. I remember. And these all come from Kyle. Kyle called me, and he was like, something's not right. I remember him saying that planes don't disappear like that. Also Amelia Earhart. Lot of questions about that one. Where is my girl? What happened at the Bermuda Triangle? You tell me. Because I dress up as Amelia earhart for my 13th birthday. I wore my great. Not my great. My grandfather, Captain Jack McMahon. I wore his gorgeous leather bomber with a fur rim, and I wore a cool hat, and I had big headphones on, and I flew in a biplane to celebrate an iconic woman who flew solo around the world and then died in the Bahamas. Something doesn't seem right. I dress up as Amelia Earhart for, like, every class project. Every class project was about Amelia Earhart. Tina, give me a quick Google search on the Amelia Earharts. Why didn't you just pull this mic up? Think. Yeah. Did they? Maybe she's also in Argentina. Something sus. The other theory from 370 are that it was cyber attack. Oh, it was a cyber attack. Okay, so we're back to Malaysia. Yeah. It was shot down by. But the flight was not over Russia. It was. It was going. It made the turn, but it was still in the South Sea. It was. It was down in, like, warm Asian waters. Nah, dude, I'm telling you right now, they're lost. They're on some island. They're on, like, the island of Sentinel. I don't know if you've ever heard of that, but it's, like, one of the islands we no one can go to. I think it's full of snakes, and they're doing experiments on these people. Buckle up. Grab Your kidney. Because they're coming for it. I'm telling you right now. The Malaysia shit is weird. It's weird. Okay, let's go through some of these. Helen Keller not being a real person. Okay? I. This is a hill I will die on. Something suspicious. What's that? Oh. Oh, God. There is something suspicious. That was Helen Keller's spirit just came through. She said. Helen Keller said shut the fuck up, dude. There is something very sus about Helen Keller. You're telling me abroad, and I think women can do all things. Women can do anything. But you're telling me no. No vision, no hearing. And she was communicating. I mean, you could communicate. Deaf. Blind. What was her full ailments? Deaf. This poor bitch. Poor, poor hk. My thing is, I just don't think she was deaf and blind. Didn't she end up becoming like a teacher? I just don't think my girl was both. I think we were maybe. Maybe we were playing it up and Jackie Schimmel and I go back and forth on this all the time. You know, Jackie has very strong thoughts about Ms. Keller. We just feel like maybe she was doing a couple things for attention and maybe she was a little bit more able bodied than we realized. Okay. And they have like a whole museum dedicated to her in Kentucky. I mean, if this is. I think she's from Kentucky. Can I get a fact check on where she grew up? Oh. Oh. This is the most Alabama shit I have ever seen. What? But Miss. Ms. Helen Keller went to Harvard. This is the most Alabama bullshit I have ever seen in my life. Oh, she's the first deafblind person. Dart shit. She's a. Good for her. You know, I'm just being a bitch right now. Good for her. I do have some follow up questions and I'm glad somebody else felt the same way. Deafblindness. Oh, it just means there's a scale. There's a sliding scale to the deafness and the blindness. Okay, but again, don't we think they're playing it up a little bit? Follow up questions. I have a lot of follow up questions. She's a suffragette. Let her live. Let her live. She was a suffragette. Okay, fine. You know what? As long as she was. As long as she was out there actively protesting and marching and screaming that we could vote, I'm. I'm okay with it. All right, y', all, this is a real wild one. Britney sent this in. Barron Trump is a time traveler. Look it up, you guys. That one's crazy. All right, There is a book right Called, I think it's like the Great Travels of Barron Trump. Let's get a fact check on that. And so the whole book is about how Barron Trump, his name is Barron Trump, is a time traveler and it's a young aristocrat that leaves his castle and time travels. How does the book end is I think what we need to know because that's where we're, where we're gonna know. And here's the thing. I believe in jumping the matrix. I believe in time traveling. I think that there are people. I think that we're all on different parallels. Like I've, I've heard this theory that basically history was not behind us, it's running parallel to us. So that's why people, if you're really like in tune, you can jump, jump the parallels. Because I also fully believe, and this is a personal thing, that I've lived a couple different lives and I know biblically we don't believe in reincarnation, but I don't know if you've never seen the video of the Indigo Kids. Indigo Children are wild. They're like children. And they'll be, you know, it's like a two year old talking to his mommy. And I was like my last mommy, you know, we lived on a reservation and we were, we were half Cherokee or something. And these people, parents are like, huh, what do you mean? Your other mommy? It's like in my previous life. They're like young children that should have. They'd have no reference point to say the things that they say to their parents. But Indigo kids, give me a quick actual hard definition of an Indigo kid. I believe it's children who are, have experience. What does it say? They're empathetic to things that have happened in the past. And their children. Old soul. This is the new version of the old soul. But I'm telling you Google right now, as you're driving, pull over to a raising cane's, get on the Tiktoks, look up Indigo Kids. It'll blow your tits off. Okay, we have time for just a couple more. Birds aren't real. And Covid was a. Okay, I can't even. I can't even go there. I can't. I can't. Because the birds may not be real. I'm also panicked about the birds. Oh, this is a sweet one. This is not a conspiracy theory. This is actually encouraging. This says that your person in quotes, will find you at the right time. And that's beautiful. And that's why Christina is going to be on a Naval ship looking for the aliens. Because, you know, what's his name? Not Michael Bay. Oh, my God. Who did Independence Day? Steven Spielberg. Steven Spielberg. We were just in la and on the side of our hotel, in the one hotel, it had a giant poster for the new movie called Disclosure Day. So he did Independence Day. How long ago? Like 20 years ago. 92. Yeah, longer than that. And then Disclosure Day is coming up, and that's what they're all saying on the Interweb, that Disclosure Day is going to happen this Fourth of July, and that basically they're going to come on the interwebs and say, hey, we're going to let y' all know about the aliens. So Tina did a fact check. What's Disclosure day? No, no. 1996 was when independence Day was released. And if you don't know, if you're too young, you need to go back and watch Independence Day. One of the best movies of all time. With Will Ferrell. I mean, not Will Ferrell, sorry, Will Smith. Will Smith. He's fighting aliens. Jeff Goldblum. I mean, probably one of the best movies of all time. So now, now it was 1996 and now 2026. Wow. All right, get ready for Disclosure Day. Get ready. And hopefully on Disclosure Day, as the aliens come down and they start to communicate, Tina has found her boo. Dude, they're. I'm sorry, but the AI alien that Trump is standing next to, he is ripped like Barry's boot camp could never. Which we cannot also. Oh, and I love this one. Garth Brooks is a serial killer. If you don't know, then you need to know. But I could also see that. But. Oh, oh, hold on. The lady. Okay, let's backtrack. The lady that said that your person will find you at the right time, then send a follow up message. She said, I would like to clarify that I find that false. Okay, so she is debunking her own conspiracy theory that the right person will find you at the right time. So she is also waiting to fuck the aliens. And I'm very excited for her. Oh, and I think this is a great one. Mark Zuckerberg is an alien. Demons are real, Aliens exist, and God is real. And that's on God. I agree. We are living in wild times. And I am so grateful that you guys send this stuff to me so that we're all on the same page. You know, what is real, what is fake? You know, I've got. I'm just gonna spitball some more before we get off here. Pandas are humans in Bear suits. Dragons are real. Bigfoot is real. Dude, we got a friend, Brendan, who lives in Massachusetts. Shout out to Brendan. He is one of the biggest Bigfoot enthusiasts. His mom and him are in a Bigfoot support group. They go out searching for the big feet, I do think. But why is every video of the Bigfoot blurry? That's my only thing is, why can't we get crisp, clear videos? But is it something that when you're around the aura of a Bigfoot, you know that the technological waves stop it? I don't know. All I'm saying is these are other things that you should be investigating later. So when you are, take a gummy tonight and you really wanna spiral. I'm just gonna read a couple of the rest of these out so you can get on them. Can't talk about because of trolls with zem, but okay. Yep. Okay. A lot of these people are saying, hey, I'm just sending this to you. Don't send anything. Don't say this out loud. I don't want them to come for you. Oh, Antarctica ice wall. Let's end on that. We're ending on the Antarctica ice wall. If you watch, and I'm not a flat Earther, I believe the worth is round. Okay, Antarctica ice wall is the craziest shit ever. If you watch Game of Thrones, you know about the northern wall, right? You know about the ice wall. Well, I want you to do a little sidebar comparison. I want you to go back and watch gorgeous Kit Harrington run around as Jon Snow up the ice wall. And then I want you to Google the Antarctica ice wall. And if you don't think that my ass is gonna be on a Christmas trip to Antarctica, dragging Jeff's ass through the Drake's Passage, all I wanna do is go to Antarctica. I think it would be so cool. And Jeff said. He refuses to go. And I said, well, I'll be doing Christmas solo, bitch, so get on it. Time is fleeting. We gotta get on the conspiracy theories. What? I didn't realize that's why you're saying I didn't know what it was. Oh, yeah. So the Antarctica ice wall is. Is this giant wall. And again, the. Right. They say that, like, the. The elites will show us what the things are before. Before to soften our exposure to it. And in Game of Thrones, they have the giant ice wall with the white walkers. And there is a specific color, blue, that scientists have found down in Antarctica. It's not like a blue that any of us can explain. Okay? It's an Interesting blue. And apparently it holds, like, a magical power. And the White walkers in Game of Thrones had those icy, crazy blue eyes that, like, no one's ever seen before. So they're saying, oh, I'm already breaking things in the studio. They're saying that a lot of that correlates, that they were trying to expose us to that. So that when the aliens who are in the water come up through the water, through the wall, we know it's happening. So if you see a white Walker, tell them what's up. And, you know, I guess this is a good time just to maybe go back to church, figure it out, go outside, touch grass. But in the meantime, you can always send me your conspiracy theory videos. Cause I'm having a good time. Anyways. Listen, I love you guys. I just wanted to spitball some of these things because everybody sent me all their crazies. And if you ever want to chit chat with me, sidebar. I'm happy to chit chat. I'm happy to chit chat and giggle and be like, what? What's happening? And at the end of the day, nothing matters, right? We're doing the comedies. We're out here. I'm, I'm, I'm. I'm pushing, you know, neutral and other products that I love. Anya. And that's what we're doing. So don't even worry about it. If you're stressed at work, don't even worry about it. The aliens are coming and they're all hot, so I'm not concerned. You shouldn't be concerned. We got a lot to look forward to, but I hope we make it to 4th of July. Anyways, I love you, Mean it. As always. You can call into the Hotline, 800-213-7503. Thanks for hanging out with this little added extra bonus episode. And I'll see you guys next week. CIA Bella or River Darcy. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. It.
Absolutely Not Podcast (Dear Media)
Bonus Episode: Conspiracy Theory Hot Takes
Host: Heather McMahon
Release Date: May 22, 2026
In this lively, spiraling bonus episode, comedian Heather McMahon invites listeners into a rambling, hilarious discussion of wild (and not-so-wild) conspiracy theories submitted by fans. With her signature self-deprecating humor and Southern charm, Heather riffs on everything from missing scientists and ripped extraterrestrials to data centers, the moon landing, celebrity conspiracies, and the infamous Antarctica ice wall. Genuine laughs, pop-culture references, and plenty of hot takes make this an engaging, chaotic deep-dive into society’s favorite “absolutely nots.”
Timestamps: 00:00 – 07:30
07:30 – 09:15
09:15 – 13:00
13:46 – 17:42
17:43 – 20:59
24:45 – 32:15
32:16 – 38:15
38:15 – 43:18
43:19 – End
Heather maintains a playful, irreverent, and self-aware comedic style; she never presents conspiracy theories as established fact, instead using them as fodder for over-the-top improvisational humor and communal catharsis. The show is light-hearted and unserious—an invitation to giggle and “spiral” together at the absurdities of internet lore and modern life.
This episode is perfect for fans of comedic banter, pop culture tangents, and the “let’s just spiral!” camaraderie. Even the silliest conspiracies get a voice—but always in service of laughs, not misinformation. If you enjoy wild theories, group texts gone awry, and “absolutely nots,” this is your safe space.
Catch Heather McMahon each week for more joyously unfiltered takes, and send in your own "Absolutely Not!" rants or conspiracies for future episodes.