Absolutely Not Podcast – Episode Summary Episode: "Choosing the Bear" Host: Heather McMahan Date: March 4, 2026

Overview In this candid and uproariously funny solo episode, Heather McMahan invites listeners into her whirlwind life as she navigates career stress, personal health mishaps, and the chaos leading up to her birthday month. With rapid-fire storytelling, Heather mixes vulnerable updates, absurd tangents, and her trademark self-deprecating humor, touching on everything from anxiety over a surprise lingerie shoot to family rodeo roots and viral internet discourse about women choosing a bear over a strange man in the woods. The episode captures Heather’s unfiltered perspective on womanhood, showbiz, internet culture, and the essential messiness of life.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Heather's Personal Chaos: Birth Month, Health Mishaps & Studio Life

   • [00:00-07:00] Heather opens with a string of recent mini-disasters: a sudden nosebleed (“I got a nosebleed for the first time since summer camp of probably 98”), eczema flare-ups, and a chipped tooth, all while scrambling to make it to the studio. She muses about her “narcissistic” fan-made T-shirt featuring her own face—and her mom’s, Ray’s, and Jeff’s—justifying its comfort and pragmatic color in case of more nosebleeds.
   • Notable quote: “Do you know how unhinged it is to try and do a solo podcast?...So yeah, I maybe have a touch of narcissism. The fact that the nosebleed shirt that I grabbed has my face on it. Okay. But we were rushing this morning.” [06:13]
   • Heather jokes about her obsession with dental hygiene and the bizarre appeal of cleaning teeth: “If I ever had to dabble in any other kind of business...I could do dental hygiene to be a dental hygienist.” [07:29]
   • There’s an ongoing stream-of-consciousness style that underscores the unpredictability of solo podcasting.

2. Career Anxiety & Body Positivity (Or Not)

   • [08:00-13:00] Heather admits she’s anxious about an impending lingerie campaign shoot, one she didn’t have months to prepare for: “Usually when you’re gonna do like a swimsuit or a lingerie or some type of underwear campaign, you have like a solid six months to prepare. I’ve been two weeks deep in eating ground turkey and I’m not where I wanna be. Okay?...Body positivity, deep eye roll.” [10:01]
   • She pokes fun at the judgment that follows women, and her own inner critic: “If you don’t think I’m looking in the mirror, morning going, you little dumb fat bitch, leave me alone.”
   • Paranoia about being misread as a cocaine user due to bloody noses at a lingerie shoot, but emphasizes: “It’s not cocaine. I am naturally energized by the Lord.” [10:56]
   • The segment is peppered with humor about her prep methods (“downers, not uppers”), and a quick foray into the reality TV show “The Traitors,” which she highly recommends.

3. Tour Updates, Family Roots & Rodeo Vibes

   • [14:00-19:30] Heather previews her upcoming stand-up tour stops in Houston and Fort Worth, building anticipation for “feral” shows thanks to pent-up, unfiltered energy and seeing swaths of her family: “I have so many friends and family coming from Texas. So it’s gonna be a…really fun, packed…familiar faces.”
   • Shares how her grandfather was a bull rider, weaving in family history: “My papa…Captain Jack…he was a bucking bronco, bull rider champion.” [17:10]
   • Leaning into her Texan, Italian, Scottish, and possibly Native American ancestry (with characteristic comedic hedging): “I touch a Native American. I’m not going to claim it publicly, but I know it’s in there…But I don’t have—I refuse to do the 23andMe to back it up.” [18:40]
   • Describes the Texas “rich rodeo bitch” aesthetic with loving envy and curiosity.

4. Living for Material: Comedy, Travel, and Creative Flow

   • [19:45-22:30] After a break, Heather reflects on her hectic, creative life—writing scripts, prepping for a new special, and the necessity of living and traveling for comedic inspiration.
   • On going to Japan for nine days: “I need to see Jeff at a 7-Eleven somewhere in Osaka, getting lost in translation, fighting with somebody over the last egg salad sandwich. Like, this is what I need. It’s called finding material.” [20:36]
   • Shoutout to travel planner Whitney of Blonde Atlas for curating her girl trips, and encouragement for adult women to “get out there” and make new friends.

5. IVF Realness & Prepping for the Future

   • [28:00-29:45] Heather bluntly discusses her challenging IVF journey and plans for another round post-tour, underscoring the harsh physical and emotional toll: “Anybody who’s ever done IVF knows how awful it is. I’m never going to sugarcoat it…mentally prepare myself for what that will physically do to me.” [29:20]
   • She ties this to self-care, her determination to get healthier, and prepping body & soul for a future baby.

6. Viral Monkey Story: Empathy & Outrage over “Punch”

   • [30:00-32:00] Heather recounts the story of Punch, an orphaned monkey in a Japanese zoo, amplifying the viral narrative and her own emotional investment: “I’m mapping out…rerouting my entire trip in Asia just so I can go fuck some other monkeys up. Like, I’m willing to do a hate crime on an animal to save Punch.” [31:30]
   • Satirical take on the viral mechanisms of animal stories and American yearning for purpose: “We have such a void of joy and hope in our lives…we’re willing to get on the Kawasaki and literally ride…to the Far East to save a fucking monkey.” [32:46]

7. Choosing the Bear: Viral Discourse & Gender Commentary

   • [38:30-42:30] Heather tackles the online question: ‘Would you rather be stranded in the woods with a random man or a bear?’—a viral preference for the bear emerges. She folds in reports of the “Alpine divorce”: men abandoning women on hikes.
   • Notable quote: “This is why we will always choose the bear. Because, honestly, I could probably sweet talk a grizzly…I have Native American roots. So. Hello.” [40:36]
   • She gives practical (and comedic) advice: “If your husband says…let’s go out into the woods…watch your back, have your attorney on speed dial, get the voice memos on the phone, click record, record the whole conversation, and have a way out.” [41:05]
   • Commentary on rising “don’t give a fuck” energy among women and “how low the bar is for men’s behavior.” [44:02]

8. Audience Voicemail: Swim Team Kids Are Theater Kids of Sports

   • [50:08-55:20] Listener Stephanie asks Heather to weigh in on the viral claim that “swim team kids are the theater kids of varsity sports.” As both a former swim-team member and theater kid, Heather gives a detailed, enthusiastic “absolutely yes,” highlighting similarities: the insular wetness (“swim kids were always wet. Theater kids were always wet. But ours was sweat”), the trance-like focus, and being slightly apart from mainstream athletes.
   • Notable quote: “When you get a good group of theater kids that are able to transcend leaving the theater, that’s the biggest thing about being a theater kid. You have to be able to go out into the real world…You can tap dance all day…but if you can’t translate that into asses in seats…what are you doing?” [52:20]
   • Concludes that combining both yields a figure skater: “You know what you get? A gymnast or a figure skater. Yeah. Theater meets swim team—you get figure skaters.”

9. Tour Plugs & Closing Highs

   • [55:30-end] Heather wraps up with gratitude for her audience, encouragement to come see her live (“These are feral shows. There’s no filter, no brakes, all gas, let’s fucking go.”), and excitement about her upcoming special—and possibly rescuing Punch the monkey.
   • Notable quote: “Getting to meet you in person and see you at the shows is truly just the joy of my life.”

Memorable Quotes & Moments

• “If you don’t think I’m looking in the mirror, morning going, you little dumb fat bitch, leave me alone. It is what it is.” [10:22]
• “Do you know how unhinged it is to try and do a solo podcast? It’s unhinged.” [05:37]
• “I could do dental hygiene to be a dental hygienist. And I’d love to get that little scraper and scrape the tartar off your teeth. Is that…how fucked up am I?” [07:34]
• “This is why we will always choose the bear. Because, honestly, I could probably sweet talk a grizzly.” [40:36]
• “At some point you would rather them just be addicted to meth? You’re like, at least meth is predictable.” (On men climbing skyscrapers) [44:48]
• “Swim team kids are the theater kids of the athletic world…everybody’s wet.” [50:32]
• “I’m mapping out…rerouting my entire trip in Asia just so I can go fuck some other monkeys up. Like, I’m willing to do a hate crime on an animal to save Punch.” [31:30]

Timestamps for Important Segments

• 00:00–07:00: Personal disasters, embarrassing nosebleeds, self-awareness about podcasting solo
• 08:00–13:00: Body image anxiety, lingerie campaign shoot, reality show recommendations
• 14:00–19:30: Touring in Texas, family rodeo roots, ancestry talk
• 19:45–22:30: Creative process, travel for material, Blonde Atlas trip shoutout
• 28:00–29:45: IVF real-talk, getting healthy, prepping for the future
• 30:00–32:00: Viral “Punch the monkey” story, the emotional toll of animal content
• 38:30–42:30: ‘Choosing the bear’ viral discourse, Alpine divorce, relationship safety commentary
• 50:08–55:20: Audience voicemail—swim kids vs. theater kids, deep analysis

Tone & Style Heather’s language is direct, irreverent, and self-deprecating, bouncing between lovingly absurd and emotionally honest. She blends cultural commentary, confessional humor, and big-sister advice, creating a compelling listen that feels like an unfiltered conversation with a smart, hilarious friend.

For listeners, this episode is a wild yet relatable ride through the mind and life of Heather McMahan: embracing vulnerability, poking fun at social norms, and leaning into the messy, unpredictable journey of womanhood—always with laughter as the throughline.