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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? How are you? Welcome to March. March is my birth month. That's all I'm going to give you. How are we doing? I hope you are well. I hope you're having a fantastic day evening wherever you're at in, you know, orbiting the Earth or the moon or the sun or however that solar system works. Hope you're having a good one. I gotta be honest with you, really rushed into the office today, truly, by the skin of my teeth. And by that, I mean, I got a nosebleed for the first time since summer camp of probably 98. I was washing my face this morning. I'd already gotten dressed, or I was doing my makeup. All of a sudden I bend over and my nose just starts bleeding. And I. I was alone, but I got embarrassed. Why is it that a nosebleed out of nowhere is so embarrassing? So I got a nosebleed, I'm clogging it up. And I used to get nosebleeds all the time as a kid. Had a lot of ent. Ear, nose and throat issues growing up, which I'm sure you wanted to. To really dive into. But I used to go to this one theater camp here in Atlanta, and for some reason, I was allergic to the carpet cleaner in the theater. And if you want to be a theater kid, you know what? You can't be allergic to carpet in theaters. You just can't. There's a lot of it. And every time we go in for play practice at theater camp, so you know what? We're doing a lot of that. We're doing mostly that I would get these horrible nosebleeds, and the camp nurse would always be like, I don't know what's wrong with you? And I'm like, it's ja. Carpet cleaner, Claire. It's the carpet cleaner. Remember that specific carpet cleaner? I don't mean to gross y' all out when you were in elementary and somebody would vomit and they would bring out this specific, like, lime green carpet cleaner to, I guess, you know, mute the smell of some dude just barfing everywhere in the third grade. And it would. It's such a distinct smell. I'm pretty sure that's just what they used at this theater camp to clean all the carpets, whether anybody had barfed or not. You know, norovirus hadn't like taken over camp and I was highly allergic to it. And my nose would start to bleed every time. And everyone was like, God, Heather, your nose is bleeding again. Well, it's so dry right now and the pollen's already happening and all the things I've been like on three airplanes this week, so I'm dry. Eczema's flared up. I chipped a tooth also on the drive, so my nose is bleeding. I grab a shirt. I'm running so late. I have to get to the office. And if you're watching this on YouTube or you see a clip online. Yes, I seem like a giant narcissist. I have a fan T shirt that somebody made me with my face on it. But it also has Ray's face, my mom's, my dog's, Jeff's face. Okay, there's other players in the game, but it has me on it. And it's a big black tee. And I told Jeff I was like, just gimme a black T shirt. And I threw this on with my rag and bone pajama jeans that I cannot seem to get out of. Cause they're amazing. And I'm driving to the cause. I wanted a black T shirt in case I get another nosebleed. You know, can't embarrass myself at the office. This is a co working space. Like our studio is soundproofed amongst a lot of other very professional businesses. In fact, there's an attorney right across the hall who is solving crimes or defending people who did crimes all the time. I'm not gonna give him a shout out cause he probably wants to be low key here and stay professional. But there's definitely a real hard hitting attorney here that sometimes I can hear the crimes that they're talking about. Even though this is soundproof. So either way, when I, when Jeff and I move, the studio's going to a new space. And because I feel bad, the people around me, you know, there's like an event business next door. Two doors down there's another like media company. They just hear me yapping about my nosebleeds and theater summer camp. And I feel bad for them, I really do. They're like, this bitch has nothing new to say. You're right, Steve. I'm not gonna argue with you on that. Do you know how unhinged it is to try and do a solo podcast? It's unhinged. So yeah, I maybe have a touch of narcissism. The fact that the nosebleed shirt that I grabbed has my face on it. Okay. But we were rushing this morning. So I get in the car, I've got tissue up my nose. I'm rubbing my tongue against my front two teeth, and I gotta see Dr. Gurley. Cause Dr. Gurley, I haven't gotten in for a cleaning in, like, a year. I'm sorry. My bad. But I take immaculate care of my teeth. Okay. We do intense gum work with a water pick and eight other picks and floss. Like, I'm very into removing tartar from teeth. And I will say, if I ever had to dabble in any other kind of business, like, once AI eventually takes all of our jobs, there still will be physical teeth cleaning if robots don't do it. And I could very well be one of those people. I could do dental hygiene to be a dental hygienist. And I'd love to get that little scraper and scrape the tartar off your teeth. Is that. How fucked up am I? That. That would. That kind of gives me a little tingle down my spine. I've never gotten into asmr. Like, the whispering doesn't. I don't have that receptor in my brain where it, like, makes you tingle. But watching somebody remove tartar from their teeth kind of gets me excited. Not in a sexual way, by any means, because I know there's a lot of dentists that can kind of lean a little bit more, you know, sexually promiscuous. But not my dentist. He's amazing. But I chipped my tooth, so I'm rubbing my tongue against my front tooth. I did a little chip at the front, which is not great. The nose is bleeding, the eczema is flared. I'm dry as hell. I mean, we're in a rough spot today. So I apologize if I'm wearing a homemade merch from a fan. I really enjoy this T shirt. And it's like a men's double xl, so it barely touches my body, and it's very comfortable. And by barely touches my body, it fits snugly. And I very much so like this. Thank you for that wonderful gift. I really appreciate it. I really do. But, yeah. So really falling apart. I have to. I'm a little nervous. Okay. I'm shooting this big campaign for a company that I have worked with over the last, like, 10 years. I love them, but it's a broad campaign. And I'm basically in lingerie on Monday, so I'm going to need. This will come out afterwards. But I want you to know that the anxiety that I feel this weekend leading up to this shoot is unbelievable. Because usually when you're gonna do like a swimsuit or a lingerie or some type of underwear campaign, you have like a solid six months to prepare. I've. I've been two weeks deep in eating ground turkey and I'm not where I wanna be. Okay? I'm not where I wanna be. And it's fine, you know, body positivity, deep eye roll. Listen, I will body positive you all day long, but if you don't think I'm looking in the mirror, morning going, you little dumb fat bitch, leave me alone. It is what it is. So I'm anxious about that now. I got a chipped tooth and I'm like, what's going to happen if I've got. I'm scantily clad at this photo shoot and then my nose starts bleeding because I'm flying up to New York and it's going to be dry as hell. Every place has a fucking heat on. And then rumblings and whisperings are going to start on set. Heather. Heather was so worried about trying to fit into this bra and panties that she started doing lots of cocaine. We knew she had a problem. It's not cocaine. I am naturally energized by the Lord. It's called I need to sleep with a humidifier. So I'm going to go ahead and get in front of tmz. I've done the Devil's Dust maybe three times in my life, and every time I yapped too much and I ended up having an immediate diarrhea. I don't do good on the uppers. I do great on the downers, though. You give me a muscle relaxer, a pina colada, and a little TiVo. Do we still do that? I don't know. You give me the remote is what I'm saying, and I'm gonna have a damn good time. Speaking of remotes, speaking of TV Traders wrapped up, and let me tell you what, it was one for the ages, probably one of the best. Best, I'd say, seasons and next season, apparently is going to be the normies. And if this is a little too much of a niche conversation because you're not into traders, I highly recommend you don't have to watch the previous seasons, just watch this season. What is Traders? It's where a bunch of, like, I'd say B list celebrities get together. Reality stars, if you will, all get together in a castle. Alan Cumming wears fabulous avant garde, over the top, delicious, gorgeous outfits. They do challenges, and it's like a live game of Mafia and then they all murder each other. And it's fantastic. I got Jeff into the show and he came into it kicking and screaming. He was like, I don't wanna watch it. I don't wanna watch reality. And I said, let me tell you something, motherfucker. You watch men play golf hours. He watches 3 hour long youtubes of dudes playing golf. I said, that's voyeurism if I've ever seen it. And I had a lot of gals chime in on Instagram that their spouses also do this. And I'm like, I don't want to hear it. You're not above reality. You're watching a reality show. Your version of the Housewives is watching a bunch of dudes play golf with somebody who talks shit about them all online. Like, he watches this one program on the YouTubes where it's just like, you play with golf with your haters, which is a phenomenal concept of a show. I would love to go do some sort of activity with somebody who has slid my DMs in a raw way. But it would end up just me sitting somewhere like a park bench. We'd be sharing a pub sub, and I'd be like, but girl, girl, you realize that it's not your fault, okay? Like you, you are a cunt because your stepdad never told you he was proud of you. You know what I mean? I wouldn't end up talking shit. I'd end up therapizing the whole situation, and then we'd be friends, and then I'd give her my personal number, and then the next thing you know, it would just be too much. I've been getting some texts recently from some folks who found my number, and it's been a lot. You know, it's been a lot. And I'm trying to be as communicative as I can be as I have a threshold for it. I may have to switch back to the burner. And that's a bummer because originally I got a burner so that I could turn the other phone off, have a break, you know, just the. My core 10 people have that number and then they never called me on it. And then I realized my core 10 people really don't check in on me. You know what I mean? I'm like, my phone is not ringing. I've had one text today, and it's at and T letting me know I have a international rate. Like, I take my burner on vacation. So Sometimes I can really, like, unplug. And then I'm like, no one has called me. I feel like a loser. So. Might have to do some check ins with some friends today and go. Call me on my burner, bitch. But yeah. What was I talking about? God only knows. God only knows. But. So we're going to New York. I'm shooting this campaign and then I am right on tour. So I am going from one of the most vulnerable moments. Why did I say yes to this? Because I'm excited about it. It's going to turn out beautiful. But I am. She is anxious. I'm shooting this raw dog campaign. I fly home for less than like eight hours. I turn around and then I'm heading to Texas, Houston and Fort Worth. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com. i don't know what. What the hell's going on? I know it's rodeo in Houston. That's all month long. Okay? If I gotta fight with Rascal Flats on a night, then we need to reassess what we're doing here. No disrespect to the flats, Love those little Rascals, but I'm there for one night. Rodeos all month. And I am coming suited and fucking booted. I am putting together Luke's. We have things to discuss. And I'm gonna tell you it's gonna be a feral show. Both of those. Because I have so many friends and family coming from Texas. So it's gonna be a. It's gonna be a really fun pac. Familiar faces. But also, I've been sitting at home, I've been ruminating, I've been spiraling. I've been going a little crazy. So those are always the best shows out of the gate because it's like, let's just hit the zingers and see what happens. There's no filter, no breaks, all gas. Let's fucking go. And I'm gonna be in a really good mood because after the Fort Worth show, so I have like 20 family members coming, you know, because half my family lives out. You know, they live out by the stockyards. I don't know if y' all really know a lot about the McMahon history, but I don't know. You know, my papa, my grandpa Jack, who's Captain Jack, who flew for Delta, he was a bucking bronco, bull rider champion. I had these insane blown up photos in my home of my pawpaw on a bull, clinching his thighs with one hand in the air, and they're black and white and he's Got a buckle on. And he's just. He's like, yee haw. And he was a champion. And then, I believe, had to go to the Korean War. But he came back, so that's positive. So, my. This is where I really confuse folks, because. Southern belle. Yes. Mississippi Queen, also Italian, from the north end of Boston. My mother's side. I touch a Native American. I'm not going to claim it publicly, but I know it's in there, you know, But I don't have. I refuse to do the 23andMe to back it up. But we have it on the ancestry. But again, I'm gonna not say that. I'm saying it to you, but to me, that's something I can't yet fully prove with the trail of breadcrumbs, you know what I mean? Do I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night after taking, like, 17 melatonins, and I'm in a haze, kind of a night terror, And I feel like maybe I'm tapping into a previous life, some sort of reincarnated version of myself, or. And I'm on the Oregon Trail, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I was a traveler, a nomad. My people were moved around. No, great. It's time out. That's all we need. That's all we need is a clip. Comedian Heather McMahon says she has Native American roots and said, my people, you know what I'm saying? I feel it sometimes in my bones. Also have a widow's peak, high cheekbones, and a cupid's bow and a cowlick. You do the math. No, but my mom says we definitely have, you know, something. Some. Some sort of lineage in there directly also related to Robert Burns, a Scottish poet. So a little Shakespeare in there. I'm just a hodgepodge. But I said all of that. I don't know why I'm taking you down my family tree, which is definitely some sort of, say, magnolia tree, maybe even a. Maybe even like a weeping willow. You know, that's how it feels these days. I'm saying all that to say my family is such an amalgamation, this just fishbowl of different lives. And I don't think y' all realize that I'm so much more Texan than. I never lived there. But every time I'm in Texas, I just. I see my people, and y' all need to know that I have roots to the rodeo is. Everything that I was trying to say was coming to that point. So I apologize for taking you on the actual Oregon Trail of my stream of consciousness there. But, yeah, I connect with the rodeo. I was just in Fort Worth doing a private gig for a company and I'm staying at this great hotel next to the stockyards. And I see them horses and it was actually the cattle show. And every cowboy's out there and every girl's, like, decked out. There's something about a rich fucking bitch from Texas I relate to. Tight jeans, tuck the ass. A pair of lucchesis that just hit that thin ankle. A fur. And I'm talking vintage. It died for your grandmother to keep her warm on the shoulders. Layered tennis necklace, turquoise tennis necklace. Some sort of homemade piece that was made out on a farm or a ranch somewhere in west in Amarillo. Gorgeous hat. My head. She wears the crown of rodeo hats and maybe even like a fingerless glove just gripping a Birkin. That, to me, there is no richer, more fabulous look. There's nobody that I want to skin and wear more than a gorgeous, rich bitch going to a Houston rodeo. And I hope that those gals will be in my audience this weekend. Get your tickets at heather on door.com. it's going to be really fun. I'm pumped. Ray's going to be there, Andrew's opening, Tina's running the show. Jen's going to be in the audience. So we are gearing up to shoot my third special. I'm so excited. But it is also kind of like full steam ahead. And this is where, I mean, not that y' all give a fuck about myself, but this is where it gets crazy. Like, I've been writing scripts and finishing a bunch of stuff and now it is full steam ahead. So it is plane, train, club, bus, another club. So it's underwear shoot, home pack, Texas, Asia. I'm going to Japan for nine days with my lover to get mercury poisoning. Probably should have done that before the lingerie shoot, but we never do it right in the right order back then. I'm hitting, like, Detroit. I'm going to Philly. I'm going to Boston. I'm hitting Long Island. I'm going to Red Bank, New Jersey, for God's sake. And we are full steam ahead. And then I'm going to LA to do the Netflix as a joke festival. Now this is going to be like no other show you've ever seen. I may not even be myself. And that's all the teaser I'm going to tell you. It's going to be out of control. I miss being avant garde. I miss being a little meta. There's so much pressure that everybody puts on you during these festivals to, you know. And I just did my hour at the Orpheum, and I promised you guys when I was coming back to la, like, if you came to that show, come to this one, it's gonna be. It's gonna be a variety hour like you've never seen. It's going to be balls to the wall, let's fucking go. And I'm so excited. So then we're doing that, and then I've got, like, a wedding in the middle of all this and all this shit all leading up to the special taping. And I'm so excited, y'. All. I've had so much fun with this hour, and a lot of things have changed since I wrapped up in the fall leg, so I'm just. I'm.
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I'm feeling like I'm getting my creative juices going all that. I could have not explained any of that to y'. All. I just want you to know that this podcast is gonna. Where I'm gonna be at mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually over the next three months. It's gonna be creative juices flowing. We're all in this together. That's one of the reasons why I'm also going to Japan. Like, in comedy, there's these purists where every night you're at a club and every night, and of course, you have to. You have to hone your craft. You have to work on it. You gotta flex that muscle. You gotta fucking chisel away at the material until you have this beautifully sculpted hour. But I'm also like, you gotta go and live. Like, I gotta live. Laugh, love. I need to see Jeff at a 711 somewhere in Osaka, getting lost in translation, fighting with somebody over the last egg salad sandwich. Like, this is what I need. It's called finding material. I've been to Asia. My husband has not been there, but he did very well crossing the world, going to New Zealand and Australia, which I definitely want to come back to. So this is going to be a fricking hoot. And I want to give a big shout out to my dear friend Whitney, who is a part. Well, it's her company. It's. She is on Instagram called the Blonde Atlas. And she originally had planned our. Years ago, we did this trip to Italy. This. You know, I guess the first. The maiden voyage to Italy. And we created this group called Pike Kep a Pasta. And we've all stayed in good contact. Like, these are some girls that I will be friends with for the rest of my life. They all came to my wedding and Whitney does these incredible girl trips. And you know, I really obviously like, I feel so honored that there's, you know, anybody can come to my show. But obviously it's, there's a great like vibrant female energy in the rooms and that is what these trips are like. So I just want to throw this out there. I know how hard it can be to make new friends as an adult. And if you are interested in doing any of her fabulous trips, cause she curates all my trips for me, please check her out at the Blonde Atlas. She does these things called Atlas Adventures and she's not asked me to do this, I'm just giving her a big shout out cause she was telling me where to go in Japan. She plans all my international travel. Anyways, she's doing this incredible trip to San Sebastian, Spain. I think it's sometime in either April or May. It's coming up if you have the time to take off or if you want to do a gorgeous, fabulated, curated trip around amazing food and wine, amazing accommodations and you get to like sip back and take the thought process out of doing anything and let her take you an amazing adventure and meet a lot of other fabulous like minded women, this is the way to do it. I mean I'm so grateful that I did this trip originally back in what, 2018 or 2019, because I truly like met some of the most amazing women in my life. And we're still in a group chat and bullshit all day, every day. So check her out at the Blonde Atlas and she has Atlas Adventures. So I just want to give you a heads up. Maybe you get a little break at the end of Q2 and you want to go on trip. She's going back to Asia, she's going to Africa, she's going all over world, South America. So just check her out if you want to do any trips because she is curating my trip because Jeff and I are also trying to go to South Africa. Listen, this is the harsh truth nobody wants to hear. You can spend all your money on serums, but if your cells are stressed and dehydrated, nothing will glow. This year let's stop the broken resolutions and fully commit to the internal fix your skin is begging for. What is the secret? It requires a powerful two part solution. 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Go to RO CO safety for box warning and full safety information about GLP1 medications based on study in non diabetics with obesity or overweight plus a weight related condition with diet and exercise. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is an all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. I love Squarespace. I've been working with Squarespace hell, for, I don't know, six, seven years now. I truly love Squarespace. I built all my websites with them. Anytime I need to go in there and tweak things to add show dates or add merch or whatever the hell I want to add to my website. Squarespace makes it so easy. 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I want you to head to squarespace.com absolutely for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, you use offer code absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, you just gotta head to squarespace.com absolutely for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code absolutely to save you 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Here's the deal. I know that I have a, I need to be. Have a child either coming out of my womb, someone else's womb, you know, someone hands it to me, something's gotta happen. I gotta do IVF again. So I'm planning all these trips so I really have something to enrich my life and have something to look forward to, right? That's my little gift to myself. Okay? You're gonna inject yourself with giant needles of hormones and just get so fucking yoked out and miserable. Anybody who's ever done IVF knows how awful it is. I'm never going to sugarcoat it. For me, at least, I had such a gnarly physical reaction to the drugs. Like I turned into a monster. And of course, I obviously did it wrong. And I, you know, I've shot a whole special talking about it, but gearing up to it. Like, all jokes aside, I am understanding that I'm gonna have to do it again sometime. Probably tail into summer after we shoot the special. And I am just having to mentally prepare myself for what that will physically do to me. So I've been trying to get in good shape now and really take care of my body. Cause imagine this. Heather's being proactive about something. Guys, I'm taking the inositol, the CoQ10. I'm trying to make sure whatever eggs we're able to harvest are. Are good, are fresh, are getting that. That good orange yolk. You know what I'm saying? Creative juices flowing. That's why I'm going to Japan. I'm like, gimme all the. Just the minerals. I'm gonna be eating seaweed like a little. Like a little animal. Speaking of animals in Asia, how about this fucking monkey, Punch? Have you seen this? And I know I'm a little late, but there's a tiny little monkey in the Japanese zoo named Punch. And I guess he was abandoned by his mother, which is some bullshit. I'm childless. You could have sent Punch to my house. So they gave baby Punch a tiny little stuffy, a little stuffed animal that looks similar to the other monkeys in the enclosure. And Punch goes viral because he's just as cute as he can be. I think he's like 8 weeks old and he's just sucking on his little stuffy, hugging on it, because his of a mother, absolute nightmare of a mother, left him on the side of the road. And I'm a woman, so I can say that. We hate you, Cheryl. How dare you. Not a maternal instinct. Enter. I don't know if she's dead. Like, I don't know where the mom is. Either way, baby. Punch is left to his own devices in this enclosure. And I. And again, I understand how the animal kingdom works, but the other monkeys didn't want to bring Punch in. And so this video goes viral of him getting rejected from the rest of the crew. And, I mean, he's getting beat up at one point by one of the other monkeys, and he runs, he scurries away, and he grabs a little stuffy, and he's, like, scared and shaking in the corner. And I'm like, fuck the Japanese zoo for even letting this footage loose. How could you do this to us? So now I'm making donations to Punch. The whole thing is probably. Is probably fake. You know what I mean? Because if. Think about it, monkeys are as close to us as. As any other species. They probably pulled the monkeys to the side. Like, here's the deal, guys. We got again, it's about to be cherry blossom season. Okay, Punch, all right, Come here. We're gonna start a story that your mom's a whore, all right? She left you, don't even love you. But here's the deal. You're gonna. You two are gonna start a fight. Punch, you're gonna run to the corner, you're like, no, not me. Where's my mother? And then the next thing you know, we're going to be full. Numbers have been low at the Japanese zoo. We got to get numbers up. We're going to start a GoFundMe. Little do they know, I'm buying a beach house. And Osaka. Osaka is not by the ocean. You know what I mean? Little do they know what buying a beach house in Bali, that's probably what this is. And I hate to think that Punch is pulling a fast one on us, but flash forward, Punch goes absolutely viral. I'm mapping out on my. I'm not rerouting my entire trip in Asia just so I can go fuck some other monkeys up. Like, I'm willing to do a hate crime on an animal to save Punch. Also interesting, they named him Punch. Didn't do enough research on that, but so now they're like, oh, no, everything's good. Another monkey has brought Punch into the crew, so now they're posting videos. Because I think. I think what maybe the zoo didn't realize is people are so emotionally desperate for connection, and we're already so fired up stateside that we're willing to fly to Japan to save a fucking baby monkey who's being bullied. Talked about it before, but I would love nothing more than those motorcycle gangs, those Kind of road hard put away wet guys to pull up like they do at the junior highs when somebody's been bullied, someone's nephew's been bullied,
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they pull up at playtime or like, I don't know, not recess. You don't have that in junior high, you know what I'm saying? At lunch. And they're like, is there a Michael here? We're going to take you for a ride, man. Cause you're cool. And then the bullies are like, no, I want to be on the horley. That's what they need to do to punch. I don't think they realize that that's what we would do. I'm just thinking that at some point, nobody ever thought that Americans right now are in such. We have such a void of joy and hope in our lives because we're on fire over here that we're willing to get on the Kawasaki and literally ride, ride in tandem to the Far east to save a fucking monkey is being bullied. I was like, jeff, we're going to get punched. He's like, pretty sure you can't bring exotic animals back into the States, but okay. And I'm like, you know what? Shut the fuck up and keep watching your golf videos. And then I was getting the comparison of the golf videos last night. He's like, well, these guys just bullshit. And then these guys, it's actually like, cinematic. They take you to different courses, they break down. It's beautifully shot. The cinematography is unbelievable. It's more of an emotional connection. And then these guys are just farting in a sand trap. And I'm like, kill me. Just kill me now. But anywho, so the wild thing too, with the Texas shows, we're going to tear it up in Houston. And then we're having a nice little after party at the Fort Worth show because I'm going to see so many people there and so many folks that couldn't get tickets in Dallas are coming over to Fort Worth. So I appreciate it. And then I have to get up and get on a 4am flight to Asia. So we may just be rolling through. We may be just rolling the fuck through, but it's gonna be great. So anyways, I said all that. It's March, it's my season. Start taking your Zyrtec now, though, because it is dire. The pollen is starting to come, the nosebleeds are happening, we're drip dripping, the eczema is definitely flared, and I have to be in a bra and panties on camera on Tuesday. And I am my God. I've sweat through my own. My own merch right now. I've sweat through this T shirt with my face on it. And you're probably saying, heather, you're, you know, you're sitting in your Passat right now going, be confident, queen. I'm trying to, but the voices in my head are. They're taking over. They've been taking over for quite some time, but you know what I mean. Okay. Also, I would just like to say something. This is not sponsored Simply Mints. Lemon, could you please send me a lifetime supply? I live off these. I'm obsessed. The only ingredients is cane sugar, malic acid, natural flavor, calcium stearotate. I don't even know what any of that is. I have to buy these on Amazon in bulk. Please keep making these Simply Mints. I live off these Lemon mints. When I get anxious, I just pop one of these in and I feel settled. Okay. I feel settled. It's 2026 and if you're still paying rent without BILT, it's time for a change. BILT is a loyalty program for renters that reward you for your biggest monthly expenses. Rent with Build, every rent payment earns you points that can be used towards flights, hotels, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases, and so much more. And here's something I'm really excited about. Now Built members can earn points on mortgage payments for the first time. That means you can get rewarded wherever you live and unlock exclusive benefits from more than 45,000 restaurants, fitness studios, pharmacies and other neighborhood partners. Personally, I redeem my points for flying. So I originally thought, oh, maybe I can't use Built because I'm not renting, guys. I'm using it for my mortgage. It's incredible. And the Built card is a game changer. I'm going to be jet setting all over the world because I'm going to use my Built points for hotels and flights because it's such a great redemption. It's simple. Paying rent is better with built. And now owning a home can be better with built. Earn rewards and get something back wherever you live. Join the loyalty program for renters@joinbuilt.com Absolutely. That's J-O-I-N B I L T.com Absolutely. Please make sure to use our URL so that they know that we sent you. Again, I love Built. I think it's freaking fantastic. Fitness classes, Amazon, Lyft rides, flights, all of it. Down payment on a damn home. You got it. Those are all the ways you can redeem built points. And there's even more. Rent, credit, mortgage, whatever. You got it. That's J-O-I-N B-I-L-T.com Absolutely.
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Absolutely.
- [37:25]
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I got something fantastic in the mail the other day and I slipped it on my pillow and I was like, this has changed the game in how I sleep. And I'm talking about a blissy, silky, literally delicious pillowcase. All right. My dermatologist told me to try silk. Okay. Because it's cooling, gentle, and made my skin and hair look better fast. I didn't realize that a pillowcase could help with anti aging and hydration until I tried Blissey. And one of the reasons I tried Blissey is I needed something softer in my face. I would wake up, I get eczema around my eyes, and I literally just felt like everything else was just like scratching my face, making me itch. I had no idea how, like, truly the value in just sleeping. With a better pillowcase, you can get healthier skin in weeks. It reduces fine lines, wrinkles, and sleep creases. Also helps prevent breakouts. You get better hair and days. You can reduce frizz, breakage, and preserve styles and hair color. And silk is natural, cooling and gentler on skin and hair. They use the highest quality silk. Okay. And it's easy. Carefully machine washable. That's the thing. If you buy a silk pillowcase, you're like, oh, great, now do I have to dry clean this? No, it's fully machine washable. Over a hundred colors and over 3 million sold. I got two for my bed. I'm going to switch out my other pillowcases for it as well. Truly an absolute game changer. So right now, because you're a listener, Blissey is offering 60 nights risk free, plus an additional 30% off when you shop@blissey.com Absolutely. That's B L I S S Y.com Absolutely. And use code absolutely to get an additional 30% off off your skin and your hair will. Thank you. I'm genuinely thrilled that I get to work with Merit through the podcast because I love Merit Beauty. Okay? And let's be honest, if a routine takes longer than five minutes, it's probably not happening. And I only have two modes. It's either full glam or troll underneath the bridge that tells you riddles to pass. And that's why Merit Beauty believes great makeup should be effortless. Their clean, thoughtfully curated essentials help you get a fresh, polished look in minutes. With products you can swipe on, blend with your fingers, and move on with your day. I truly love Merit. It's a minimalist beauty brand that makes elevated makeup and skincare designed to help you look put together in minutes. If I'm having my, hey, I have my day off. I want to wear something clean and fabulous on my face, but I want to look put together, but I don't want to take a long time. And I don't have time to, like, do a full beat, but I'm going to do it and still look good. It's Merit Beauty, okay? Their best sellers are proof that less really is more. The flesh balm gives you a natural, healthy glow without overdoing it. One is sold every 30 seconds and 20, 24. That's how good it is. Then there's the minimalist, which looks like it works a double duty as a foundation and concealer so you can get a quick coverage without layering on just a ton of products. I also love their great skin serum. It's all you need. It instantly hydrates and plumps for a fresh, dewy look. And the best part about Merit's products, they are clean, vegan, cruelty free, and made with nourishing skincare ingredients that leave your skin looking better long after you take your makeup off. They have a like a bronzing stick. That is my absolute go to. I wear the color sienna or scene. I can't remember. That is the color I wear. It is fantastic. Right now, Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their signature makeup bag with your first order at meritbeauty.com that's M E R I-t beauty.com to get your free signature makeup bag with your first order, meritbeauty.com Check them out. You will thank me later. What else is up? Oh, heard about this thing online. You know when folks ask, why do women choose the bear? And if you don't know what I'm talking about, there's this discourse online, like two years ago where they asked a bunch of women, if you were stuck in the woods with a random man you didn't know or a bear, which would you choose, the man or the bear? And unanimously, every woman's like, well, the bear. I'd rather get clawed to death than even second guess what my boy Trevor's gonna be up to, right? So I just saw this thing on Threads talking about an alpine divorce where men take women hiking and then leave them in the woods. Take a second, breathe it in. Yeah, an alpine divorce is where you literally take somebody into the woods and say, it's over. So apparently men are allegedly abandoning women on Hikes, sparking discussion of the Alpine divorce. And it's a chilling viral breakup trend that is shocking people on social media. This is why I'm never going hiking with Jeff. Whether I think things are good or we're fully on the rocks, I ain't going hiking with Jeff. 1. I don't ever want to be that far away from a. A working bathroom with him, ever. Like, when we go do our boat days, at least I know there's a shitter on the boat, right? But that's his own issue. I never am. If he is ever like, you know what, Heather? I think today's the day we go. We go doing a little hiking. I'm gonna be like, I'm bringing my attorney and a GPS and a fucking flare gun. You're not leaving my ass in the woods. This is why we will always choose the bear. Because, honestly, I could probably sweet talk a grizzly. I could. I have it in me again. I don't know if you know this, but I have Native American roots. So. Hello. I could sweet talk a grizzly over some dude who, like, you know, watches Andrew Tate videos and wants to show his flex, his aggression. I could fuck it up. Up. Alpine divorce. Oh, my God. So, ladies, I just want you to hear this from me. Do your own research. If your husband says, you know what, babe, I know things have been tense at home. I know that we probably need to spend a little more quality time together. Let's go out into the woods, watch you back, have your attorney on speed dial, get the voice memos on the phone, click record, record the whole conversation and have a way out. Send a pin to your friend Tamra and say, tamara, this is where you're gonna send. When I hit life alert, I'm gonna need you to send a pin and a helicopter to come pick my ass up. You can do it through American Express. I'm pretty sure. Like, if you need to get hella vacced out of somewhere, somehow, you're in Barbados, and then the next thing you know, it becomes like, an international war zone, you call American Express. They'll get your asses out. They will get your asses out. But I'm just letting you know, if at any point a lover asks you to go into the woods, and y' all don't usually venture in that direction, you getting. You get in an Alpine divorce. I mean, the fucking audacity. And I don't think men really realize right now that women are so. What am I trying to say? Don't give a fuck anymore. Like we. You guys thought that you were like joking. So crazy. Women are crazy. You thought that we gave a fuck. Then we're like, at this level of don't give a fuckery, I would say fuck around and find out, but the only thing you're gonna find is that I'm 10 steps ahead of you, bruh. I'm 10 steps ahead of you. And guess what I did. I left a salmon trail. So the grizzly already knows he and I are good. I said, my boy, Imma feed you if you maul him. And that's how that works. We're done. We are so we, like, don't give a fuck. We know what you think of us. We don't give a fuck. And I say that as somebody who married the best man. And I know a lot of gals feel like they're like, I got a good one. But the rest of them, the rest of them. Alpine divorce. Speaking of Alpine, I don't know if you ever saw the Alpinist, that was a docu series, a documentary on Netflix about this guy who was one of those solo climbers. And speaking of solo climbers, you just see that thing? What is this guy's name? The Alpinist was wild. And then the guy, the solo climber. Netflix, the Alpinist does not end well. But it's about one of the greatest solo climbers of all time. But then they just did a. This show called Free Solo. It was live. This legendary free solo climber, Alex Hanaud. I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm fucking that up. Did a live event on Netflix where he climbed Taiwan's 101 story Taipei Building without ropes. I'm good. Could you imagine being married to this man? It's live on Netflix. No ropes. He's just got a little chalk in a. In a pocket right by his crotch that he's always dipping in and he just scaling a wall. Like at some point you would rather them just be addicted to meth? You're like, at least meth is predictable. At least I know if you do it, you're gonna like do Zoomies in the basement, picket your skin for a couple hours, spend all of our money, and then, I don't know, take a nap. This shit would be no bueno in my household. I mean, Jeff and I did hella skiing. We didn't even ski. We did helicoptering to glaciers in New Zealand and both of us were on a Zofran the whole time. So we're a little softer than we come off. I talk a big Game, but I'm quite an anxious gal. Yeah. But anyways, I could talk about these men doing dumb men shit all day, but here we are. And if you're like, heather, what's your take on the hockey team? We're already 40 minutes into this. I hope I have time for voicemails. I'm going to talk about it on the road. I have so many thoughts and it's going to tie in beautifully to some of the other stuff that I talk about on the road, especially the Ryder Cup. But this is all I will say, I just saw this morning, what, like five days later, this bullshit. One guy finally was like, hey, I'm sorry, I get it. When I had my shit go on at the R, I literally was burned at the fucking stake. And I apologized and was like, you know, this is how low the bar is for men's behavior. That's all you need to know. The bar is so low, it's unbelievable. And I will say, and again, I don't know how much I want to save for tour, but, you know, congratulations to both teams, the whole thing. Everyone's an asshole. You know, I'm saving this for the road. You want me to, you want me to. To make you giggle? You gotta come on the fucking road. We're tying all of this in. So come on the road and you're gonna hear everything I have to say. But just. That's the moral of the story is enough. It's exhausting. We shouldn't have to talk about this shit because it should never be a thing. Also, could you imagine going to the White House and getting served McDonald's? I'd be so fucking pissed. Good. They deserve McDonald's. I'm not even mad. These athletes are incredible athletes. We're huge hockey fans. But just the, you know, the women, it's like we're supposed to just yuck, yuck at the joke all the time. At some point you gotta go, guys, that's truly how you feel. But it's truly how you feel. You know what I mean? I mean, I could go on a 45 minute rant about this and I'm not. I'm gonna save it for stage. And I have some ridiculous things. So come to the show. Heather on tour.com. all right, right, duh. Let's get to the voicemails because I really want to hear what you guys have been up to. See, sometimes I don't have. We just get into it. We're on fire today. So I don't always get to get to all the things I want to talk about. Here we go. Let's get into the voicemails.
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Hey, Heather, it's your girl Stephanie in Ohio, and I have something I really, really need you to weigh in on. You are the absolute expert to be able to answer this question. So I saw a post on Thread Kids, which I know you also love, that said swim team kids are the theater kids of varsity high school sports. And I know you're a former swim girly. I was on swim team. I feel like there's no better person to possibly commentate on this topic. And I don't know if, like, we should be offended. Is this like shaming the swim team kids? I don't really. I don't know. I don't know how to feel about this. And I just really need you to weigh in because you are the swim team theater kid goddess. I just really want to know your thoughts. I'm not sure what to think about that statement, so would love to hear your opinion. Tiramisu bitch. Can't wait to see you on tour. Love and light.
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Tiramisu. I couldn't agree with this statement more. I am so glad somebody went into the the back of my brain and pulled out that thought. Wow, it's true. I absolutely agree with this. Swim team kids are the theater kids of the athletic world. And again, I didn't originate that. Somebody on Threads brought that up. I agree. Here's why. One, everybody's wet. Go with me. Swim team kids are always in the water, okay? They're always. They would always come back to class that they had practice with like a wet bun, a wet sort of shoulder, right? They didn't properly dry off and they had to like throw back on their school uniform. They're always just. It's a dampness always in a. Some sort of Adidas slide that they wear around the pool. They always had that giant swimmer thick winter cape that they would wear over their uniform. And I remember at our school they'd be like, put on your blazer. You can't wear your swim team jacket around school. Swim kids were always wet. Theater kids were always wet. But ours was sweat. Cause we'd be doing a full blown all out. It was like cheerleaders all out, full blown, Thoroughly Modern Millie tap dance number. And you were lucky if you got to hit the body with some Axe body spray. I mean, I would be dripping and then I would have some sort of like old man makeup on because, you know, I loved to do the theater makeup. So I was always kind of Sticky and sweaty and wet. And maybe I had a slicked back hair because I'm playing an old man, so I had a lot of gel. So I would say just even outwardly, we always had some sort of product on us. Right? Sticky, just kind of slopping around. Absolutely. Swim team kids, also very insular. Okay. Don't really fraternize with a lot of the athletes. They pretend they do. But when you are lost in your own thoughts under the water for that long, it sometimes takes you a beat to go back out and socialize. How does that compare to theater kids? Theater kids. You can't stop the beat. Lost in that feeling, that trance of singing musicals, looking out to the crowd, feeling that moment from rehearsal where you're like, we did it. It. You can stop the beat. Right. Because you're auditioning for Hairspray. There's just something. There's a. It's like a trance that takes over you when you're performing. And when you're under the water, what are you alone with your own thoughts when you're trying to catch that melody and hit a 5, 6, 7, 8. It's the same as getting to the end of the wall and having to do a flip in a relay. You came in doing butterfly, but you're turning around doing breast or back even. Could not agree with this more. Wow. I'm so glad somebody finally figured it out. I was worried that we were not going to make sense of this year, but this statement alone has really. Honestly, it's put a lot of things into perspective, like the puzzle pieces of what this year was like, the enigma that we were trying to figure out, that Da Vinci Code is all starting to click, click, click, click, click. And now I'm buckled in on the ride of consciousness because this makes sense. There's nothing more trance like than being under the water, gliding alone with your own thoughts. There's nothing more euphoric than hitting that number. And the lights are hitting you and it's a solo and you feel it. And the lights are hot and you're just dripping sweat and you're in some sort of character piece, period piece. You've got a wig and your face is aged, right, and you've got your capizio little tap shoes on and you're like, I don't know why our director decided to do a Hairspray mashup with Thoroughly Modern Millie and Porgy and Bess. I don't know if this works, but we're going for it. And swimmers think the same thing. I don't know why my coach decided that all of a sudden I'm going to be a freestyle girly when I've done butterflies since the jump. But you gotta learn how to pivot. You gotta go with the flow, the motion of the ocean. You know what I'm saying? Creative juices flowing. That's. I feel strongly about that. I feel so strongly about that. Yes. Wow. I needed. I needed to feel like we were getting locked in together. What can bring us all back together? This explanation. Swim kids work at weird hours, right? They're up at 5am now. You can say that about a lot of sports. I mean, the hockey kids got up. Football runs late at night. But swim kids were always in the pool in the morning and afterwards, after school, it was always a double dip. Maybe the football guys had to do conditioning in the morning and then running drills in the afternoon. Theater kids, we were 24, seven. We were choreographing. At lunch. I had theater practice in a black box till 8pm My parents would be waiting outside the gates of the school, like, please give us our child back. And it's very similar to swimmers. When you're in the water, nobody can grab you. When I'm on the stage, you can't get me. See, see that similarity there? Swimmers get a lot of medals. So do theater kids. I've got a lot of trophies. More that I would like to share, but I'm trying to stay humble about how competitive I was in one act competition plays in the state of Georgia. I won best actress. I did. And there are moments where had I stuck with swimming as a child, where could I have been? Probably not to the Olympics. I'm gonna be honest with you. I was not fast. I was just. I just had a wide wingspan. But I really love this comparison. I'm glad when push came to shove, I stuck with the theatrics, you know, the theater arts. But theater kids, when you get a good group of theater kids that are able to transcend leaving the theater, that's the biggest thing about being a theater kid. You have to be able to go out into the real world and actually really get a return on your investment. Because you can tap dance all day long. You can hit the 5, 6, 7, 8. You can recite To Kill a Mockingbird, you can do Shakespeare. But if you can't, then translate that into asses and seats and sails and eyes on your craft. What are you doing? Swimmers too. It's very lonely at the pool if you're not good enough to make it to State. And to get the entire community around you to want to come out and sit in the hot sun or sit at that aquatic center and watch your ass go back and forth, ping pong, ping pong. Then. Then you're never going to be a star. I mean, let's think about also two things that everyone loves. Everyone loves a play, a musical, and if you don't like musicals, get out of here. Everybody loves a musical. And they love watching swimming at the. The Summer Olympics. Two highlights. And if we were really to take swimming kids and theater kids and put them together, you know what? You get a gymnast or a figure skater. Yeah. Theater meets swim team. You get figure skaters. There you go. That's what we all should have done. But I'm 59 and £200. There's no way my ass could have been up in the air doing a triple axel. But fully agree with this statement. I feel very strongly about this. Wow. See, this is why I love the podcast. We just. We figure it out. We do it together. What a absolute blessing. I feel like I want to end on a high because this is bringing me so much joy in my life. It really is. And I also just want to tell you guys, I am so absolutely over the moon, beyond excited, frickin ecstatic to be back on the road. Please come get your tickets at Heather on tour dot com. See me on the road. We talk about everything. My neck job, the Ryder cup, how the world's burning. We talk about sorority shit. I'm adding so much new stuff in. We're gonna have new material too, after I go to Japan. It's really great. And I'm really honing in on everything, gearing up to shoot the special and am so grateful that y' all have been along for the ride. And getting to meet you in person and see you at the shows is truly just the joy of my life. I mean, this is my favorite part of the week, us just talking about absolute tomfoolery. But getting to see you in person, it just brings me so much joy. So I'll see you guys again. I'll be in Houston, then Fort Worth, and then Detroit and Red Bank, New Jersey, and then we'll keep it going and then eventually I'll see you guys shooting the special. So here we go. Anyways, I could yap all day long. I love you. I mean it. I'm going to save punch. So pray for me that I have a successful trip. Trip to Asia. Pray for me that I don't have a nervous breakdown because I'm supposed to start my period on my 39th birthday and just pray that I, you know, I don't fight other American tourists trying to get vintage bags. Let's keep our priorities high. I love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the next episode of the Absolute not podcast. Ciao bella Dolce. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.
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Sa.