Transcript
A (0:00)
The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? How are you? Welcome to March. March is my birth month. That's all I'm going to give you. How are we doing? I hope you are well. I hope you're having a fantastic day evening wherever you're at in, you know, orbiting the Earth or the moon or the sun or however that solar system works. Hope you're having a good one. I gotta be honest with you, really rushed into the office today, truly, by the skin of my teeth. And by that, I mean, I got a nosebleed for the first time since summer camp of probably 98. I was washing my face this morning. I'd already gotten dressed, or I was doing my makeup. All of a sudden I bend over and my nose just starts bleeding. And I. I was alone, but I got embarrassed. Why is it that a nosebleed out of nowhere is so embarrassing? So I got a nosebleed, I'm clogging it up. And I used to get nosebleeds all the time as a kid. Had a lot of ent. Ear, nose and throat issues growing up, which I'm sure you wanted to. To really dive into. But I used to go to this one theater camp here in Atlanta, and for some reason, I was allergic to the carpet cleaner in the theater. And if you want to be a theater kid, you know what? You can't be allergic to carpet in theaters. You just can't. There's a lot of it. And every time we go in for play practice at theater camp, so you know what? We're doing a lot of that. We're doing mostly that I would get these horrible nosebleeds, and the camp nurse would always be like, I don't know what's wrong with you? And I'm like, it's ja. Carpet cleaner, Claire. It's the carpet cleaner. Remember that specific carpet cleaner? I don't mean to gross y' all out when you were in elementary and somebody would vomit and they would bring out this specific, like, lime green carpet cleaner to, I guess, you know, mute the smell of some dude just barfing everywhere in the third grade. And it would. It's such a distinct smell. I'm pretty sure that's just what they used at this theater camp to clean all the carpets, whether anybody had barfed or not. You know, norovirus hadn't like taken over camp and I was highly allergic to it. And my nose would start to bleed every time. And everyone was like, God, Heather, your nose is bleeding again. Well, it's so dry right now and the pollen's already happening and all the things I've been like on three airplanes this week, so I'm dry. Eczema's flared up. I chipped a tooth also on the drive, so my nose is bleeding. I grab a shirt. I'm running so late. I have to get to the office. And if you're watching this on YouTube or you see a clip online. Yes, I seem like a giant narcissist. I have a fan T shirt that somebody made me with my face on it. But it also has Ray's face, my mom's, my dog's, Jeff's face. Okay, there's other players in the game, but it has me on it. And it's a big black tee. And I told Jeff I was like, just gimme a black T shirt. And I threw this on with my rag and bone pajama jeans that I cannot seem to get out of. Cause they're amazing. And I'm driving to the cause. I wanted a black T shirt in case I get another nosebleed. You know, can't embarrass myself at the office. This is a co working space. Like our studio is soundproofed amongst a lot of other very professional businesses. In fact, there's an attorney right across the hall who is solving crimes or defending people who did crimes all the time. I'm not gonna give him a shout out cause he probably wants to be low key here and stay professional. But there's definitely a real hard hitting attorney here that sometimes I can hear the crimes that they're talking about. Even though this is soundproof. So either way, when I, when Jeff and I move, the studio's going to a new space. And because I feel bad, the people around me, you know, there's like an event business next door. Two doors down there's another like media company. They just hear me yapping about my nosebleeds and theater summer camp. And I feel bad for them, I really do. They're like, this bitch has nothing new to say. You're right, Steve. I'm not gonna argue with you on that. Do you know how unhinged it is to try and do a solo podcast? It's unhinged. So yeah, I maybe have a touch of narcissism. The fact that the nosebleed shirt that I grabbed has my face on it. Okay. But we were rushing this morning. So I get in the car, I've got tissue up my nose. I'm rubbing my tongue against my front two teeth, and I gotta see Dr. Gurley. Cause Dr. Gurley, I haven't gotten in for a cleaning in, like, a year. I'm sorry. My bad. But I take immaculate care of my teeth. Okay. We do intense gum work with a water pick and eight other picks and floss. Like, I'm very into removing tartar from teeth. And I will say, if I ever had to dabble in any other kind of business, like, once AI eventually takes all of our jobs, there still will be physical teeth cleaning if robots don't do it. And I could very well be one of those people. I could do dental hygiene to be a dental hygienist. And I'd love to get that little scraper and scrape the tartar off your teeth. Is that. How fucked up am I? That. That would. That kind of gives me a little tingle down my spine. I've never gotten into asmr. Like, the whispering doesn't. I don't have that receptor in my brain where it, like, makes you tingle. But watching somebody remove tartar from their teeth kind of gets me excited. Not in a sexual way, by any means, because I know there's a lot of dentists that can kind of lean a little bit more, you know, sexually promiscuous. But not my dentist. He's amazing. But I chipped my tooth, so I'm rubbing my tongue against my front tooth. I did a little chip at the front, which is not great. The nose is bleeding, the eczema is flared. I'm dry as hell. I mean, we're in a rough spot today. So I apologize if I'm wearing a homemade merch from a fan. I really enjoy this T shirt. And it's like a men's double xl, so it barely touches my body, and it's very comfortable. And by barely touches my body, it fits snugly. And I very much so like this. Thank you for that wonderful gift. I really appreciate it. I really do. But, yeah. So really falling apart. I have to. I'm a little nervous. Okay. I'm shooting this big campaign for a company that I have worked with over the last, like, 10 years. I love them, but it's a broad campaign. And I'm basically in lingerie on Monday, so I'm going to need. This will come out afterwards. But I want you to know that the anxiety that I feel this weekend leading up to this shoot is unbelievable. Because usually when you're gonna do like a swimsuit or a lingerie or some type of underwear campaign, you have like a solid six months to prepare. I've. I've been two weeks deep in eating ground turkey and I'm not where I wanna be. Okay? I'm not where I wanna be. And it's fine, you know, body positivity, deep eye roll. Listen, I will body positive you all day long, but if you don't think I'm looking in the mirror, morning going, you little dumb fat bitch, leave me alone. It is what it is. So I'm anxious about that now. I got a chipped tooth and I'm like, what's going to happen if I've got. I'm scantily clad at this photo shoot and then my nose starts bleeding because I'm flying up to New York and it's going to be dry as hell. Every place has a fucking heat on. And then rumblings and whisperings are going to start on set. Heather. Heather was so worried about trying to fit into this bra and panties that she started doing lots of cocaine. We knew she had a problem. It's not cocaine. I am naturally energized by the Lord. It's called I need to sleep with a humidifier. So I'm going to go ahead and get in front of tmz. I've done the Devil's Dust maybe three times in my life, and every time I yapped too much and I ended up having an immediate diarrhea. I don't do good on the uppers. I do great on the downers, though. You give me a muscle relaxer, a pina colada, and a little TiVo. Do we still do that? I don't know. You give me the remote is what I'm saying, and I'm gonna have a damn good time. Speaking of remotes, speaking of TV Traders wrapped up, and let me tell you what, it was one for the ages, probably one of the best. Best, I'd say, seasons and next season, apparently is going to be the normies. And if this is a little too much of a niche conversation because you're not into traders, I highly recommend you don't have to watch the previous seasons, just watch this season. What is Traders? It's where a bunch of, like, I'd say B list celebrities get together. Reality stars, if you will, all get together in a castle. Alan Cumming wears fabulous avant garde, over the top, delicious, gorgeous outfits. They do challenges, and it's like a live game of Mafia and then they all murder each other. And it's fantastic. I got Jeff into the show and he came into it kicking and screaming. He was like, I don't wanna watch it. I don't wanna watch reality. And I said, let me tell you something, motherfucker. You watch men play golf hours. He watches 3 hour long youtubes of dudes playing golf. I said, that's voyeurism if I've ever seen it. And I had a lot of gals chime in on Instagram that their spouses also do this. And I'm like, I don't want to hear it. You're not above reality. You're watching a reality show. Your version of the Housewives is watching a bunch of dudes play golf with somebody who talks shit about them all online. Like, he watches this one program on the YouTubes where it's just like, you play with golf with your haters, which is a phenomenal concept of a show. I would love to go do some sort of activity with somebody who has slid my DMs in a raw way. But it would end up just me sitting somewhere like a park bench. We'd be sharing a pub sub, and I'd be like, but girl, girl, you realize that it's not your fault, okay? Like you, you are a cunt because your stepdad never told you he was proud of you. You know what I mean? I wouldn't end up talking shit. I'd end up therapizing the whole situation, and then we'd be friends, and then I'd give her my personal number, and then the next thing you know, it would just be too much. I've been getting some texts recently from some folks who found my number, and it's been a lot. You know, it's been a lot. And I'm trying to be as communicative as I can be as I have a threshold for it. I may have to switch back to the burner. And that's a bummer because originally I got a burner so that I could turn the other phone off, have a break, you know, just the. My core 10 people have that number and then they never called me on it. And then I realized my core 10 people really don't check in on me. You know what I mean? I'm like, my phone is not ringing. I've had one text today, and it's at and T letting me know I have a international rate. Like, I take my burner on vacation. So Sometimes I can really, like, unplug. And then I'm like, no one has called me. I feel like a loser. So. Might have to do some check ins with some friends today and go. Call me on my burner, bitch. But yeah. What was I talking about? God only knows. God only knows. But. So we're going to New York. I'm shooting this campaign and then I am right on tour. So I am going from one of the most vulnerable moments. Why did I say yes to this? Because I'm excited about it. It's going to turn out beautiful. But I am. She is anxious. I'm shooting this raw dog campaign. I fly home for less than like eight hours. I turn around and then I'm heading to Texas, Houston and Fort Worth. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com. i don't know what. What the hell's going on? I know it's rodeo in Houston. That's all month long. Okay? If I gotta fight with Rascal Flats on a night, then we need to reassess what we're doing here. No disrespect to the flats, Love those little Rascals, but I'm there for one night. Rodeos all month. And I am coming suited and fucking booted. I am putting together Luke's. We have things to discuss. And I'm gonna tell you it's gonna be a feral show. Both of those. Because I have so many friends and family coming from Texas. So it's gonna be a. It's gonna be a really fun pac. Familiar faces. But also, I've been sitting at home, I've been ruminating, I've been spiraling. I've been going a little crazy. So those are always the best shows out of the gate because it's like, let's just hit the zingers and see what happens. There's no filter, no breaks, all gas. Let's fucking go. And I'm gonna be in a really good mood because after the Fort Worth show, so I have like 20 family members coming, you know, because half my family lives out. You know, they live out by the stockyards. I don't know if y' all really know a lot about the McMahon history, but I don't know. You know, my papa, my grandpa Jack, who's Captain Jack, who flew for Delta, he was a bucking bronco, bull rider champion. I had these insane blown up photos in my home of my pawpaw on a bull, clinching his thighs with one hand in the air, and they're black and white and he's Got a buckle on. And he's just. He's like, yee haw. And he was a champion. And then, I believe, had to go to the Korean War. But he came back, so that's positive. So, my. This is where I really confuse folks, because. Southern belle. Yes. Mississippi Queen, also Italian, from the north end of Boston. My mother's side. I touch a Native American. I'm not going to claim it publicly, but I know it's in there, you know, But I don't have. I refuse to do the 23andMe to back it up. But we have it on the ancestry. But again, I'm gonna not say that. I'm saying it to you, but to me, that's something I can't yet fully prove with the trail of breadcrumbs, you know what I mean? Do I wake up sometimes in the middle of the night after taking, like, 17 melatonins, and I'm in a haze, kind of a night terror, And I feel like maybe I'm tapping into a previous life, some sort of reincarnated version of myself, or. And I'm on the Oregon Trail, you know, I don't know. I don't know. I feel like I was a traveler, a nomad. My people were moved around. No, great. It's time out. That's all we need. That's all we need is a clip. Comedian Heather McMahon says she has Native American roots and said, my people, you know what I'm saying? I feel it sometimes in my bones. Also have a widow's peak, high cheekbones, and a cupid's bow and a cowlick. You do the math. No, but my mom says we definitely have, you know, something. Some. Some sort of lineage in there directly also related to Robert Burns, a Scottish poet. So a little Shakespeare in there. I'm just a hodgepodge. But I said all of that. I don't know why I'm taking you down my family tree, which is definitely some sort of, say, magnolia tree, maybe even a. Maybe even like a weeping willow. You know, that's how it feels these days. I'm saying all that to say my family is such an amalgamation, this just fishbowl of different lives. And I don't think y' all realize that I'm so much more Texan than. I never lived there. But every time I'm in Texas, I just. I see my people, and y' all need to know that I have roots to the rodeo is. Everything that I was trying to say was coming to that point. So I apologize for taking you on the actual Oregon Trail of my stream of consciousness there. But, yeah, I connect with the rodeo. I was just in Fort Worth doing a private gig for a company and I'm staying at this great hotel next to the stockyards. And I see them horses and it was actually the cattle show. And every cowboy's out there and every girl's, like, decked out. There's something about a rich fucking bitch from Texas I relate to. Tight jeans, tuck the ass. A pair of lucchesis that just hit that thin ankle. A fur. And I'm talking vintage. It died for your grandmother to keep her warm on the shoulders. Layered tennis necklace, turquoise tennis necklace. Some sort of homemade piece that was made out on a farm or a ranch somewhere in west in Amarillo. Gorgeous hat. My head. She wears the crown of rodeo hats and maybe even like a fingerless glove just gripping a Birkin. That, to me, there is no richer, more fabulous look. There's nobody that I want to skin and wear more than a gorgeous, rich bitch going to a Houston rodeo. And I hope that those gals will be in my audience this weekend. Get your tickets at heather on door.com. it's going to be really fun. I'm pumped. Ray's going to be there, Andrew's opening, Tina's running the show. Jen's going to be in the audience. So we are gearing up to shoot my third special. I'm so excited. But it is also kind of like full steam ahead. And this is where, I mean, not that y' all give a fuck about myself, but this is where it gets crazy. Like, I've been writing scripts and finishing a bunch of stuff and now it is full steam ahead. So it is plane, train, club, bus, another club. So it's underwear shoot, home pack, Texas, Asia. I'm going to Japan for nine days with my lover to get mercury poisoning. Probably should have done that before the lingerie shoot, but we never do it right in the right order back then. I'm hitting, like, Detroit. I'm going to Philly. I'm going to Boston. I'm hitting Long Island. I'm going to Red Bank, New Jersey, for God's sake. And we are full steam ahead. And then I'm going to LA to do the Netflix as a joke festival. Now this is going to be like no other show you've ever seen. I may not even be myself. And that's all the teaser I'm going to tell you. It's going to be out of control. I miss being avant garde. I miss being a little meta. There's so much pressure that everybody puts on you during these festivals to, you know. And I just did my hour at the Orpheum, and I promised you guys when I was coming back to la, like, if you came to that show, come to this one, it's gonna be. It's gonna be a variety hour like you've never seen. It's going to be balls to the wall, let's fucking go. And I'm so excited. So then we're doing that, and then I've got, like, a wedding in the middle of all this and all this shit all leading up to the special taping. And I'm so excited, y'. All. I've had so much fun with this hour, and a lot of things have changed since I wrapped up in the fall leg, so I'm just. I'm.