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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you are staying warm wherever you are. And if you're in, like, California, like, Newport beach, just shut up. The rest of us are freezing our dicks off, man. Really got a winter weather situation this past weekend, and I hope everybody's safe. I've been really, really thinking. All of my friends in Nashville and those surrounding areas and then in Oxford, Mississippi. I mean, dude, the whole town is straight up ice. No power lines down everywhere. Really a scary situation. I mean, I have no idea how my house is doing. Weren't able to get in touch with anybody. I know that it's all. All ice. And, you know, I've gotten reports from some other people. Just, it's. It's a. It's a pretty hairy situation there. So I want everyone to know that I'm thinking of you and I'm praying for you, and I hope everybody. Okay. You know what I've never understood? I have never been able to wrap my head around this. The heat and the hate that weather men get. Weather gals, weather people, I don't understand it. If they say there's a weathering pattern coming, we're following the model. The model looks like it's going to be a bad one, and then it ends up being lighter. Everybody's fucking sending death threats to these weather folk. Why I'd rather them say category six hunkered down. And then, hey, surprise, it was lighter. Because every time in history that we've said, oh, category five coming. You know what? I'm gonna be chill about it. I'm gonna be chill. I'm gonna go to the gym, and I'm gonna be chill about it. Next thing you know, you're on the roof. You're on the roof. SOS with a flare going, somebody help me. Like, we've learned our lesson before, and I'm not making light of former harrowing situations, but I was following this whole thing in Atlanta, and one of our dear weathermen was like, dude, I've had, like, 200 death threats today. Cause people are pissed at my model predictions. Meanwhile, across the board in the Southeast, every weather person was like, you need to hunker down. And no, we did not get it as bad. It was still icy, y'. All. It's icy. You could ice skate down my. My damn driveway. But the sun came out this morning, and it's starting to melt. But in other parts, it's very bad. I just never understood. It's like yelling at a gate agent for when a flight's delayed because of weather. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to go into the eye of the storm? Because I don't. I don't care if I'm on a Boeing 747. I'm not trying to fly into the hurricane. But whoever. Actually takes time to dial up their Internet. Because, you know, the people that actually harass weather people are people who still have dial up, get on their Dell. You know, Google got them up here. This is them typing on their keyboard. I gotta find the local edger man. I gotta find his Facebook. And this guy's out here just trying to help us be proactive. He's trying to predict the future of Mother Nature. Ms. Cleo couldn't even do that. He's out here saying, I'm using my scientific education to look at the models and the wind patterns and the precipitation and the cumulus nimbus clouds. And I gotta put all that together, put it in the algorithm, lick my finger, put it to the sky and make an educated guess on what we think's gonna happen. And then you want to send this guy death threats out of your mind. I was up at my country club two weeks ago talking to this nice couple. Their son is a weatherman in a really big market, and I won't give any of that away. And they were. He's young, he's attractive, And I'm like, what's the deal? What kind of hate or love does this guy get? And they're like, oh, he's got stalkers. And it's always older women stalking him, trying to get photos of that booty and then being like, is it going to be hot or cold today, baby? And then on the other end of it, it's just like grown men who are like, I'm trying to go on my fishing trip. And you said it's going to be 80% chance of rain. I hope you die. It was only 79.9% chance, and Carl still got wet. Like, what are we doing here? People who take the time to harass weather people are also the same people who leave Yelp reviews about restaurants that were. They enjoyed. You can't win. And I know society's on the brink of a collapse because of this. Like, I was glued to all the, you know, the nextdoor app. I was glued to the ring camera app. We got a Google nest. We've got everything, okay? Lights, camera, action. We're focused on what the fuck's going on in our community. And everybody is talking about the harassment online that the weather people are getting. And I just say, justice for weather people. Y' all are doing the best you can. And just because Carl wants to go fucking turkey hunting on a Tuesday during a nor'. Easter. Not our problem, Carl. The turkeys are gonna have to wait for another day. And you know what you could do? Because they're gonna freeze to death. Maybe build a nice little nest for them. Maybe put out a heated blanket. You selfish prick. I mean, unbelievable. Oh, my God. Yeah, it is a rare breed, a rare bird that takes the time to send a threat to a weather person. You got to be, dude, something happened. Something happened in that childhood. To be like, you know what? I want to. I want to ruin this man's day. And there's a weather guy I believe out in la. Who's he in la? Dallas Rains. Dallas Rains. And I don't know if that's a stage name. Let me look this up. I think he's in la because I remember watching Dallas Rains all the time when I was in Los Angeles. Let's look him up. And I'm like, this guy made up his name. There's no way. Oh, dude, Dallas Rains. American meteorologist. Yeah, From Los Angeles. He's at the. I'm obsessed with him, okay? First of all, oh, he's from Georgia. Shout out. He is the greatest weatherman of all time. He is a fucking character. I want you to envision whatever you're envisioning with that name, Dallas Rains. And then I want you to Google it, and you're gonna be like, yeah, checks out. And I used to love watching him. And I'm like, whoever did your branding, whatever agent told you on early days in meteorology school to be like, your last name needs to be. A weathering pattern reigns. Dude, if I could actually, that might be a side hustle. I go to local colleges with folks who are trying to become weather people. Meteorologist. And I do all the branding. I'm like, okay, here's the deal. What's your name? Mark. Mark. And okay, you're going to a small, small city first, because that's the thing. They go to tiny markets first. And. And that's in any sort of journalism. You want to be on the Today show one day, you got to start in South Biloxi, all right? You're doing the Beaumont, Texas weather before you're going to Rockefeller Center. That's just how it. That's how the cookies crumble. Because you gotta get your footing in a small market and then you slowly work your way up. But this is where I could get them. I could get them at the small market. You know, do a full makeover. Get, get. Make sure they're in the right outfit, suited and booted. And then I'm like, okay, your name's Mark. Mark. What turns you on about weather? And Mark's like, let me tell you what, there's something about that, that cool breeze, which is also warm right before a summer rainstorm. I'm like, mark Summers. Bam. There you go. Bam. Two Bams. Emeril Agassi. Bam. That shit. Now, his name's Mark Summers. He's like, but my last name's Dershowitz. Doesn't matter. You're Summers now, all right? And you're only wearing pastel colors and a neon every now and then. There you go. Good luck to you. I just. I think I would be so good at that job. I really do. So if there's any people out here who are training, studying, finishing their degrees for meteorology, please reach out to me. I'll do this pro bono just because I want you to end up like a Dallas reigns and a huge market thriving, just cash and checks and saving lives. About mudslides. Like, I love it and maybe there's something inside of me there. You know, I've always. I've said this for the last couple of years on this pod. I'm all about preparation. I'm all about, let's do. Instead of being reactive, let's be proactive. Do you. You don't think I got a bug out back? You don't think I got a bug out back? Dude, I took one of my Mr. Eat well suits and I wrapped that bad boy up and I put it in a bag. Because I get sent a lot of bags. I got way too many totes. We are tote heavy at the McMahon house. I got that. I've got a first aid kit, couple flashlights, one of those lifesaver water straws that I bought at Costco when I was high. One night, dude, I got the bug out bag. Now this will remind me I need to have one for. And put it in my car. You need to have one in your car, one in your home. I got an old pair of sneakers in there, two pair of socks, and one thong that will help me survive. And I'm not saying prepping. This is not prepping. But it's like, if the storms are coming and Dallas rains is saying, heather, hunker down. I got my bag on my shoulders strapped across the chest, being like, let's go. I don't want to be caught with my pants down in the eye of the storm. Now, I will say this icy shutdown lockdown is very similar to Covid, where we're gonna see a lot in nine months due time, we're gonna see a lot of ice storm babies. You know, the power's out. We're trying to stay warm. What are we doing? Next thing you know, P goes in V, and we're gonna have a lot of kids that probably wouldn't have been there otherwise, except we're having a lot of storm babies. And you know what? Hardship and scary times bring people together. So just. You want to get that birth rate up. There you go. Lockdown. Yeah. But we. We are okay. Thank goodness. I will say we were all getting a little stir crazy in the house, but I've been dialed into mahjong, all right? And I didn't want to. I resisted for so long. I'm going to be that white woman who says publicly I resisted that. That Asian temptation of learning the mahjong, and not because I didn't want to hang out with my fellow Asian brothers and sisters. It's just I saw so many other white women doing it, you know? And I love. I love you girls. Y' all are my girls. I love you. We are all together. But I was just like, I don't want to go to a mahjong party at somebody's house where everybody has kids, and then all they're going to do is ask. I'm trying to learn the game, which I already know is a hard game. And then they're shoving fucking down my throat and like a deviled egg. And then you're like, so, Heather, now that we got you really confused, playing this difficult game, and you're drunk. When are you gonna have a baby? You know, I just. I've been putting that off, and that's my own thing to deal with. I'm projecting onto all the fabulous, wonderful people who play mahjong. I'm projecting what I'm afraid of being in a group setting, and that's. That's on me. I know. I am fully projecting that. But speaking of Asians, my mom's dear friend Nicole, who's a hoot and a half. I'm obsessed with her. Nicole comes over, and she's I mean, she's like a mahjong queen. She goes, heather, I'm telling you, you have been begging for something to do that is not being on your phone, that is not tied to entertainment bullshit where you can just physically decompress your brain but also use your brain in a different way. So she comes over, she teaches us mahjong. Dude, two rounds in, I'm. I'm yelling mahjong. Now, this is the only reason why I think I'm decent at it. And for all the other people who are driving in their car right now, Rol. Her eyes like, oh, Heather, you're three years late to the game. Shut up. Shut up. You're driving to see your orthopedist because you rolled your ankle at pickleball last week, Leslie. So I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that. That fat ankle cruising in your Lexus. I don't want to see that. This is. The mahjong is very confusing. And then once you get it, you get it. But when I tell you it, you're looking at this card. Basically what it is. It's a game of tiles created in the west, you know, shout out to China. And it's. It moves quick, but it's a game of, like, pattern recogn. Recognition. Yeah, pattern recognition. And that's recognition. What did that. You know, when you say something, you're like, that doesn't sound right. It could probably not be right. I'm good at patterns. I'm good at memorization. I was always, always good with memorizing scripts, lines. Kind of like a photographic memory. That's how my brain works. If you try and sit me down in Vegas and we're doing BlackJ. I gotta count. I gotta count. That's not how my brain works. But I can look at a card, and it has all these different patterns, these different formulas that you can make with certain tiles. And, dude, I've hit mahjong in the last two weeks, like 10 times. I'm Mahjong ing hard. And it's. This has been the first thing where I'm like, semi. It's a very difficult thing. People warn you that it's difficult. And then I kind of got it. And I was like, wait a minute, guys. Wait a minute. Dee dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. My brain understands the mahjong, so I'm mahjong and all day long. And we decided to play. So for the ice storm, we've got Ashley's at home, Mom, Jeff and I, we've got all three dogs. You know, house is full. We're eating Costco pizza heated up. You know, we're in our Mr. Eat well sweatsuits, and we're cozy. And so I get a wild hair up my ass to want to teach everybody else in my family the mahjong. And I swear to God, Jeff comes in there with an ego, and he. Jeff is fantastic at gambling. Okay? He understands it. He is. And not that he reads cards, because I think I'm not supposed. I think that's illegal. So he didn't do that, allegedly. But Jeff is really good. You could sit him at a blackjack table or at a poker table or at roulette for 48 hours, and he'll leave with a hundred thousand dollars and, like, you know, a tickle in his taint. He's just good at that. That's the way his brain works. My brain works at. I can recognize a pattern. So I try and teach him. And this guy, he doesn't listen. He is literally playing mahjong. One of the hardest games to figure out, but once you're in, you're in. Okay? It's like going to that club. Is it Bergain? Yeah, it's Bergen. That club in Germany. Like, once you're in, you're in. You can go to any floor and fudge anybody you want. But when you're standing outside trying to get in, good luck to you. Your outfit better be crisp, and you better be sharp as a fucking tack. And then once you're in mahjong, and you get it, you're. You're cooking with gas. You're throwing tiles, you're betting quarters, you're getting crazy. You're throwing white wine, you're cheersing, you're doing the damn thing. So Jeff, I don't realize he's kind of dicking around on his phone. I figure he's just following one of the big football games, the playoff games, the AFC championship. And I realized this motherfucker's playing blackjack while I'm trying to demonstrate and give an instructional lesson on how to play the mahjong. So we get there, he tries to call mahjong twice. And I look over at him, I go, jeff. And he puts his jokers out. But now, this is all you need to know right now. If you ever learn how to play mahjong, you cannot have a joker with a pair. It's gotta be with a triple or a quad, okay? A joker can only work with something three and Above. So he lays all these things out. He's got five fucking jokers, and he's patting his chest. And I said, jeff, you don't have mahjong. I told you the first rule that you said you absorbed and you nodded your head was that the joker doesn't go there. He's like, what the fuck? You never told me that. You know what I mean? Just like, okay, yeah, okay. And I lost it. I saw the look at my sister's eyes. She's like, you guys good? I'm like, oh, yeah, but I'm about to beat dad ass. Don't be over here double dipping, thinking your online blackjack's better than my mahjong, motherfucker. Then he comes around. He's like, all right, clean. Clean the table. We're playing Uno. Because that's something you need to know is Jeff is highly competitive, and I am not a competitive person. But now that I understand this one thing, I will use this. I will dangle this power that I have to be able to read patterns and understand where the tiles go. This is my superpower. Like, I was laying in bed the other night, and I'm like, okay, this was semi not hard. And everyone says this is hard. So does this mean flash forward two years from now? I'm sitting in a convention center somewhere in Hong Kong surrounded by dudes ripping cigarettes and a pair of, like, just sunglasses. And we're. You know, the timer hits, and it's like, we're at the world championship Mahjong, and I'm in some sort of fabulous cheetah print cape because I want that to be my thing. Like, if I'm going to end up at the World Series of Mahjong, I want it to be a look. I want there to be pattern recognition in my presentation of how I show up. I want to pull up in the same stretch white limousine every time. And people know that I have my little superstitions before the. Before the round, I got to have two scoops of a good homemade French onion dip, one soup dumpling to obviously show my love and support to the Asian community who created this said wonderful game. Have a cup of hot tea for my chi, and then maybe snort a line of coke, and I'm in. You know, whatever that. Whatever that looks like. I really had one of. I was daydreaming. I was sitting there looking at my husband, you know, just throwing out his uno cards because he couldn't understand the game. And I'm just going, oh, my God, this is it. This might be My calling. And I know every white woman, specifically in the Houston area because mahjong is like dialed in in Texas right now. But I was just thinking, I was like, this is it. This might be. This might be my thing. And I saw, I just saw lights and specific colors and like the voice of God talking to me. And he's like, McMahon, you're gonna mahjong. So I've been looking for a hobby, something that I could. That would sharpen my brain instead of dumb it down. I wanted a physical hobby and I wanted something tactile and I wanted something mental. I'm still working on the Spanish again. Lo siento. Mi espanol is mu malo. But this might be it. And apparently you don't play it in Vegas. But if I would, if I could play mahjong in Vegas, somebody let me know when that becomes a thing and I'll go downtown, you know what I'm saying? I'll go out to Hendersonville. I don't care. You let me know. Because I really saw like, it was like God was speaking to me. He said, heather, you're taking this international. You're going to be. They're going to call you like the white tiger, right? Because I've got cat like features. And I'll be in all animal print, long cape all the way down. And at my walkout song, it's not going to be eye of the tiger. That's two on the nose. You know, it'd be the Pussycat dolls because I, we run slow, we do them things that them boys don't do in the back of the pink Cadillac. Maybe that's it. I roll up in like a Mary Kay pink Cadillac and then that's it. Show stopping. Show, show stopping. Oh my God. The synergy of this branding is making me want to just rip off my hot pink one wool sweater right now. I'm so excited. They'll be like, heather, Heather, Heather, over here, over here. Why'd you choose pussycat dolls? Well, they do call me the white tiger. And honey, I may seem like a kitty cat, but I will bite like a big girl. Heather, Heather, why'd you choose song? Show stopping? Well, you know, I am a world renowned comedian and entertainer. So I do stop the show when I come in and beat all yalls asses in the game of mahjong. Heather, Heather, over here, over here. What's up with the cheetah print, sweetie? I just like to bring it full circle and let you know while I blend into the forest, I'm gonna Get you with a green dragon. And then I roll the dice, and it's like, now imajong. And then some giant Chinese man hits a gong. And that's it. That's it. You know what I mean? And we're off to the races. And then at some point, I'm holding up a trophy, and all these fabulous people are below me like, I got a coach. And I want my. I want this to be like a Karate Kid moment. I want my coach to be an older Chinese woman. And maybe there's a language barrier, but we are one. She's crying. I'm crying. I'm like, I couldn't have done this without you. And she's yelling at me something like, how are you still so fat? Even though we trained so hard? And then we turn it into a movie. I mean, this is a great movie idea. Fuck. Okay, I gotta call my agent. But I'm just saying. Don't you see it? This is the kind of daydream I was at while my husband's just sweating in the corner and he hasn't showered for two days, even though we had full power and hot water. And he's just doling out the Uno. And I'm like, you didn't listen to the first fucking rule, Jeff. So you've been playing a bad round this whole time? He was hanging onto this one tile that I desperately needed, and he's hoarding it. Cause he didn't know how to play the fucking game. I was angry, and my sister looked at me, and she goes, this might turn you into a monster, but also, I'm ready to see where this goes. So, any gals, Local or gays, guys? Hell, I'll play with straight dudes, and I'll beat that ass. I will beat dad ass. So I don't. I could be playing this all wrong and maybe have no idea what I'm doing. And my friend Nicole is just like, I'm gonna let you win, sweetie. We know you weren't the brightest. I'm just gonna hold your hand and let you win Mahjong. Okay, everybody. Heather got the Mahjong. Meanwhile, I'm, like, chewing on my tongue in the corner with a glass of white wine, being like, mahjong. I got the mahjong. Hmm. But I have very vividly. And this kind of goes with a little bit of, like, manifestation. I very vividly have seen myself walking on stage at the Emmys. I've seen myself do these things, performing. Like, I just feel it in my bones. I will host SNL one day, I see myself standing on the stage. I've already got the monologue written no matter how when this dates us and just going, we got a great show. Pitbull's here tonight. Stuff. Stick around, we'll be right back. Like, it's done, it's written, it's in the sky, it's written. And I just saw something so clear as day that all of a sudden I would beat the odds of being a kid who was in the slow math classes. And here I am playing a foreign game against very, very talented and smart people who are usually very good at math. I see the patterns. Do do do do do do do do. They call me White, White Tiger. Oh my God. I can't wait. I can't wait to just. It's gonna be fun. You know, I love to meet characters so that's gonna be fun. That's gonna be fun. Honey Love is what I love and it's what I wear. And listen, I have products from them that I just can't live without. 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I'm here on the job site with Dale, who's a framing contractor. Hey, good morning. Dale traded up to Geico Commercial Auto Insurance for the all of his business vehicles. We're here where he needs us most. Yep, they sure are. We make it easy for him to save on all his insurance needs, all in one place with coverage that fits his business and bottom line. Oh, I shouldn't have looked down.
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It's all right.
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We're so far up here. Look at me. Take a deep breath. I'm good. So good. Get a commercial auto insurance quote today@geico.com and see how much you could save. It feels good to Geico. So anyways, that's on my daydreaming, but what else happened? Well, hate to do a hard pivot because we're giggling, but this is good. This is warming you up to have a. An adult, serious conversation. I'm just getting warmed up. Let me get lubed up. It was wild being home and the family time was lovely, but I really felt this, this heavy weight on my chest all weekend. Just this crippling sense of every time I would open my phone and thank God we had mahjong and Uno and these dumb games to play just to decompress. But. But every time I opened my phone, it was just terrifying to see what was going on in Minneapolis. And I. You listen, this is your first time here. Hi, my name is Heather McMahon. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast and fuck ice and fuck all of this bullshit. And I would really love for you to know where I stand. I've been vocal about it. I've lost thousands of followers. I don't give A fuck. If you choose to not take in what I say, good luck to you. I'll see you at the mahjong hq. Like, I don't know what else to say. And I just was seeing what was going on in Minneapolis, and it. It destroyed me in the oddest way. And I think, what. What's making me so nuts? I mean, obviously, we're. We'll be in a civil war before we know it, but it's that people have actually lost the ability to have critical thinking. People have lost the ability to see things with their own eyes, to watch a video of a man getting executed murdered, and watch the video and then be like, nope, no, that was his fault. You can DM me, You can say whatever you want. And it is so obvious that some of y' all have not taken the time to look at the evidence. And I find it so interesting that all of a sudden. All of a sudden, when these MAGA hardcore say they're toting their guns around and their weapons around at protests, you got Kyle Rittenhouse, you got the January Sixers who stormed the Capitol and assaulted and harmed Capitol police. And then all of a sudden, you're not allowed to have a. A gun at a. At a protest. It's a hypocrisy. When did we. It's so wild to see all these. These Second Amendment, just boys, you know, the second. The two A boys, as they call them, all of a sudden be like, you can't. You can't bring a gun to a protest. I have seen the video at every angle with my own eyes. That man in the state of Minnesota had every right to have a gun on his hip, and he never went for it. In fact, it was pulled from another ICE officer, and then he was shot. I mean, and I know you're probably thinking, Heather, we turned into tuned in this podcast, never thinking that we'd have these conversations. And I saw something online. It was like, you know when people don't want to say, don't get into politics, no one wants to talk about this. No one gets up every morning and goes, you know what? You know what I want to do? I want to go have a conversation with people about how innocent people are getting murdered by our authoritarian government. No one. And I think it's very hard for some of y' all to wrap your head around the fact that we are at this state, but this is where we are at. And I hate to use the term from the QAnon people, but wake up. Wake up. And I have always seen Things in such a. Maybe, I don't wanna say like a black and white term, but when you have an attorney in your family, you understand the law. I mean, I can't even butter my toast in the morning without actually being like, well, that would. Okay, well, you buttered left, then right. You're looking at three to five. Just somebody who is constantly. And I, and I go to her for a little clarity on certain things, but somebody who is constantly saying, understood the Constitution and understood law, and what is happening in America right now is the government's turning against you. I remember the day that January 6th happened, and we were sitting in my office in my house in Atlanta, and my sister was like, holy shit, Heather. All these fucking nut jobs are storming the Capitol. And then all of those people who harmed, who did not back the blue, who harmed them, then got pardoned by Trump. He wants people to be scared and he wants us to be at each other's throats. But you can be. You can think differently and still look at a video and look at the evidence, guys. Look at the evidence of what's actually happening. And you gotta use critical thinking skills. You gotta say, oh, shit, this is not right. I mean, I, I don't want to. I have wonderful people in my life that are married to folks who came here and did it. They did it by the book. They were seeking asylum. They did it by the book. And I am very scared for those people. And when the argument is, well, they want to come in there and they just want to get criminals. That's bullshit. All of the videos I was at where Ice age. We're coming for your whole fucking family. They don't care. There are so many people who are going to. To their court cases to legally do things by the book, and then they're getting taken away before they can even walk out of the court. And what you don't understand is, is Trump and all his little cronies want you to be afraid. They want you to look the other way. They want us all to be pinned against each other. They want you to say, hey, you know what? What I saw, I didn't really see. Guys, read George Orwell, 1984. Hello. Like, we gotta go back to the basics. I will always stand up for the marginalized. I will always stand up for people that I care about. And I just, some of y', all, it's obvious that this is why I travel so much. Truly, this is why I travel so much. I think the more you travel, the richer your perspective and your point. Of view becomes. And you're like, okay, yeah, you get it. It's scary. And I call my friends and, you know, we're obviously trying to find levity and joy in times that are scary. And people are like, oh, you know. You know what's fucking crazy? You're. Stick the comedy. Some of my favor comics were people who always spoke out. Joan Rivers, George Carlin, Richard Pryor. Comedy is taking things that are happening out in the world, observing them, observing behaviors and patterns and things that are fucked up and things that are good. And then we. We find a digestible way for people to be able to absorb that, and that is what we speak on. Like. Like. Like, get fucked. It's just really crazy. It's really crazy. And I can't sit back and not use my deductive reasoning, my common sense to be like, what the fuck is happening? So if you stormed the Capitol, you attacked Capitol Police, you committed crimes. Then because you were loyal to Trump, he pardoned you, and then he said, hey, sign up for ICE and go terrorize communities of hardworking people. Cut the bullshit. They're not coming for just the people who did the crimes. They're coming to terrify your neighbor and people that you love. And that's where I stand on that shit. I can't wait to never have to hear this man's voice or his name again. And it's wild. Like, we're. Everyone's laughing at us right now. And I know that there's so many people who listen to this podcast who do not agree with me politically, but you guys, you can. You can jump the party line to say what the fuck is going on? And to have Kristi Noem and Cash Patel and all these fucking idiots all of a sudden not sticking up for your Second Amendment. Like, wake up. Wake up, dude. And I am a Second Amendment girly. Just so you know, when I was 18 years old, Kyle McMann, he said, you're gonna be driving back and forth to Georgia and Mississippi. If you ever get a flat tire on the side of the road, you're gonna be able to defend yourself if somebody tries to take advantage. 18 years old, your girl knew what was up. So just so you know, I ain't fucking with this yet. And it is tough. Like, you know, my job is to giggle and find light and. But we talk about current events and what's going on in the world, but to sit around and say, well, yeah, no one wants to talk about politics yet. No one wants to, but unfortunately, we are here, and we have to Use our platforms and our voices and also just have conversations with other people who are like, are you seeing what I'm seeing? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? It's just when the government turns on its own people, you should be concerned. And right now, you should be concerned, period. And Kristi Noem, for fuck's sake, whoever her injector is, is doing us all a favor, but also none for her, okay? And that bitch shot a dog, and that's all you need to know. Yeah, killed her dog. Google that one. Anyways, hard pivot from me becoming a mahjong world leader to what's going on. But the political climate, it's thick and it. And it's just. It's so unnerving right now. So I think that's where we're all feeling a little heat. And it didn't help that everyone was locked in their house this weekend with their families, just like. Oh, God. It's either like, you open the phone and you're terrorized or you're fighting with your family over Uno. So just deep breath in, deep breath out. I'm sweating in this little sweater right now. See, I think we should get to the voicemails. Don't you think we should get to the voicemails? And if you're new here, you can always call into the absolutely not line. 800-213-7503. And it's the absolutely not line. I answer, what's going on with you? What's up at the world? What's happening? It's unsolicited, usually bad advice, but I want to hear what you guys have been up to. Also. Can't wait to be back on the road. All right. I cannot wait to be back on the road giggling with y'. All. Please get your tickets@heatherontour.com I know I just laid down the hammer for a serious moment, but it needed to be said and it needed to happen. But we are gonna be giggling on the road also specifically for the LA show. It's a. Netflix is a joke show that's a part of the Netflix Comedy Festival. Come. We're gonna just. We've gotta dial in. So creative, and in wild times, that's when I become the most creative. So we're bringing the wigs. I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do for that show, but it's gonna be outta control. My vagina on your vagina. There's gonna be sour cream's gonna be involved somehow. I haven't figured it out yet, but just get excited. We have a few tickets left for that. So please, for the love of God, come out to that. That's gonna be on May 7th. And get your tickets for the rest of the tour. And then we're going to be announcing the where we're shooting the special, and that's gonna be in May. And I'm so excited. That will be a part of the Bamboozled tour. So if you saw the tour this year, we're refining, we're moving, we're changing, we're grooving, and we're gonna be shooting that special at the end of May. Hello, friends. How are we doing? I hope that your loins and your loins. You know, I really wanted to meet, make sure that I put my best foot forward this year, but I still seem to get the Sunday scaries, but no longer. Okay, listen, we all know that I love a cocktail, but lately, the morning after hangover is just. It's hitting me like a defensive end at the University of Mississippi. I cannot handle it, all right? The anxiety is insane. I cannot do a three day hangover anymore. You can't do it. I can't do it. None of us can do it. Well, finding senorita THC margaritas is like discovering the holy grail of having good times, but without. Wait for it. The anxiety. Without it, baby. Okay, so this is a perfect cocktail, too, for when I'm on the road, because I feel like I have fomo. I miss out, you guys are all getting to party, but I can't party like I used to because, you know, she's a woman of a certain age, and I feel like I'm missing out. But with one of these, I. I can enjoy it and then the next day, be able to get up, get on an airplane, and go to the next spot. Okay, I am a work, working woman, all right? You know, she is booked and busy, and we are going to work smarter, not harder, in the. The year 2026. In the year of our Lord. Okay. Oh, you see that, that pop in the back? Oh, that's delicious. That's refreshing. And normally, THC tastes like you're licking the floor of a greenhouse. Do you know what I'm talking about? Well, this tastes like I'm on an immediate vacation, all right, away from all of my responsibilities. These are freaking delicious. This one's. Which one? The mango. We got the mango right here. It's to die for. And I love these, probably. They're so delicious because they were crafted by Joel Got. And Charles Bieler. Hello, literal wine royalty. It tastes like a high end margarita you'd pay like $22 for, but it's coming straight to my door. Okay, and listen to this. No alcohol, no hangover. Low calories, but high end flavor. And probably because it uses real ingredients. It's got organic agave and Himalayan pink salt. And the best part is I can tailor it to whatever kind of margarita mood I'm in. Like, what is today? Well, I've had a long day at the office. I'm exhausted. I want to take the edge off, so I'm having a mango. And one of the reasons I love the mango margarita is it's tropical, it's. It's sunny. It's basically like vacation in a can. It's like I'm in the Turks and Caicos, but technically, I'm at my office in Atlanta right now and we're under a freeze. Watch. Okay. I love the lime jalapeno. Absolutely to die for. She's spicy, she's feisty, she's got a kick. But we know that she is your go to tried and true bestie. I remember one time when I was in Panama City, I had way too many of those lime jalapeno margaritas down in Panama City, spring break and what was it, 2008, and let's just say the next day, no bueno. But this one, I'm good to go. Have one of these. Have one of these. You'll be good to go. I love the grapefruit, Paloma. She is bright, she is sunny, she's sophisticated. Dare I say, she's the quiet luxury of beverages. Honey, I can just see all of the mommies, the Malibu mommies, throwing those in the diaper bag and headed to the beach, you know what I'm saying? And they also have ranchwater, a classic Texan, right? She's classic, she's Chris, she's clean. She is ready for the rodeo. Let's pack the truck with those, baby, head to Fort Worth. I will see you in the stockyard. You know, every cowboy is going to want one. Oh, and all you Midland hussies, you're going to want one, too. So you can start with 5 milligram if you're lightweight like me, or go for the 10 milligram if you've had a really long week, or you're a seasoned THC girly. Make your living room, your beachside cabana and your boo, your towel boy. And enjoy senorita THC margarita. Okay, here's the deal. You don't even need to leave the house. Head to senior Rita drinks.com to get them shipped directly to you. Yes, go to senior Rita drinks.com get them shipped directly to you. Must be 21 or older. Please enjoy responsibly. Again, must be 21 or older. Please enjoy responsibly. I am going to go offline and enjoy mine and you should enjoy yours too. It's 2026 and if you're still paying rent without Bilt, it's time for a change. BILT is a loyalty program for renters that rewards you for your biggest monthly expense rent. With Bilt, every rent payment earns you points that you can use towards flights, hotels, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases and so much more. And here's something I'm really excited about. Starting in February, Built members can earn points on mortgage payments for the first time. Soon you'll be able to get rewarded wherever you live and unlock exclusive benefits with more than 45,000 restaurants, fitness studios, pharmacies and other neighborhood partners. And personally, I'd redeem my points for fitness studios. Okay. The next thing you know, you have spent so much money on the damn fitness studios that's why you should use points for it. I mean it's simple. Paying rent is better with built and and soon owning a home will be better with bill. Damn, this is cool. Earn rewards and get something back wherever you live. Join the loyalty program for renters@joinbuilt.com Absolutely. That's J O I N B I L T.com Absolutely. Make sure to use our URL so they know that we sent you. Again, this is incredible. If you can literally use your built card and get points towards owning your house on your mortgage, something that we all do. That is amazing. Again, I want to remind you, all you got to do is join the loyalty program program for renters@joinbuilt.com Absolutely. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T.com Absolutely. And make sure to let them know we sent you. All right, let's get into the voicemails. 800-213-7503 Here we go.
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Hey Heather, this is a friend from South Carolina gonna just say that and I have to talk about something. Imagine Ben Affleck on the side of a building ripping a sig right now. I opened up threads this morning to see you posted. Are we still on TikTok? Let me know. I'm confused. What's going on kind of thing and was reading the replies and every single person just, nope, we're off. No, we're off. And I mean, it's Tuesday morning, the day after a weekend, you know that we had a snow day yesterday, and I'm going to work and just losing Tick Tock. I mean, what is going on? I had just found out I was a Chinese baddie. I was really leaning into that culture. I was enjoying the new jingles and I mean, even your Lexapro jingle, 10 out of 10. And then to find out that when I was reading through the comments, all the, like, replies about immigration and sexuality and all the things that can now be tracked, I just. It's an absolutely not. I can't keep up. I'm turning 39 the day after you are, and it's just like the world is on fire and I'm so over it. Like, we can't even freaking have Tick Tock. What? Just imagine Ben Affleck's ripping a cig. Just opening up threads this morning to see all those replies, because that's where I'm at today. I am cold, I am parched. I don't know, I'm just. I'm over it. And this is not the news I needed this morning.
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A
My queen, my baddie, my birthday, my Pisces Ides of March, fellow sister. I feel you, honey. I mean, it is. It is. As I'm recording this, it's Tuesday. This will come out on Wednesday. But wild times. Every time I opened my phone this past weekend, it was just like, oh, my God. I. I'm like, I'm losing air. Like, what is happening? Yeah. And here we were just getting our footing on TikTok. Here we were just figuring out we were a all Chinese, hence why I'm dialed into Mahjong. We were getting our Chia. We're learning the jingles now. If you don't know about the jingle queen, this is a fabulous gal. And hold on, let me find her, because I want to give her the props. Jingle queen on Tick Tock. What is her Dr. Pepper, Romeo. Typically referred to as Romeo. Okay, so Romeo. So Romeo, Romeo underscore vsp, I believe, is what this is saying. Wrote a jingle. Everyone's now starting to write their own creative jingles. I mean, we basically become R and D and the advertising brand for a lot of these brands. And she wrote the song Dr. Pepper Baby is Good and Nice. And then it went viral. And Dr. Pepper is putting her in a commercial. I'm like, that's what I want to see for the super bowl is small creators Just coming up with catchy shit and getting a check like, fuck yeah, girl. So I started writing all these jingles. Well, I came up with my own jingle, and it's for Lexapro, and I love seeing that. So many people were writing jingles for food and bed. They had one for Vita, Cocoa water. You know, someone did a Mountain Dew one. I mean, Taco Bell. Everybody's writing these jingles on TikTok, but I wrote one for Big Pharma, and I don't receive a check from them. But this is one. I have so many friends on Lexapro, I thought about getting it on it myself, but Here we go. 5, 6, 7, 8. Lexapro, Lexapro. Which way will my feelings go? Anxiety doesn't have a hold on me. Cause I'm hanging out with my best Lexi. Lexapro, Lexapro. Watch out, world. I'm feeling good to go. Yes, Alexa Pro. I mean, I could definitely do one for Opsalura, like my. My eczema cream. It's just there's so many fun little inside jokes on TikTok. Now. If you're wondering, why are we getting off TikTok? Everybody who got on TikTok, I believe it was like, Saturday or Sunday. There's a new terms and condition on TikTok, and it's pretty frightening. And then a lot of creators were realizing if they posted anything speaking out, what was happening in Minneapolis, specifically doing a hashtag ice, hashtag, you know, Border Patrol. It was getting silenced because Trump has saved TikTok in quotes. But it's now under a new regime. I believe the guy, Larry Ellison, who owns Oracle, he has taken over it. So it's scary. You're going to get censored and filtered. And I think that is what is the huge problem around all of it. No, that's not the simplified problem, but is censorship. And, you know, at first they tried to take away the First Amendment freedom of speech, and now they're trying to take away the Second Amendment, and then next. So, you know, good luck to us all. I mean, we really are living in. In, you know, the Olympics is coming up, and I'm trying to find some silver lining. Like, what do we have to look forward to? The Olympics. We're all going to band together as a society and a community and a country. We're going to be like, hell, yeah. These athletes who've worked so hard to represent us. And I'm just like, I guarantee half these athletes are like, what the fuck? They're going to be in the Olympic Village. And everyone, some Swede's going to go, what the fuck's happening in your country? And they're like, fucking. Oh, my God, it's exhausting. And it's also not even February yet. And we are so thick in this bullshit. We are so thick in this. And now we can't even have tick tock. So I'm putting a pause on tick tock. I. I was talking to some of my social media baddies that are actually understand behind the scenes and they're like, yeah, we're trying to figure it out, but apparently everything's being censored right now. Now. And it's scary when you become censored. You should be concerned. I mean, guys, open the Constitution. And I understand that I have no law degree. I'm surrounded by very smart attorneys who are absolutely on fire and, and telling me left and right. They're like, yes, so that. That's not constitutional. So that doesn't make sense. But I do think if I could be an attorney, like, I would obviously. L woods the out of it. I mean, look at me. I'm wearing the softest pink sweater right now. I'm behind a pink background. Like, pink is my color. We know this. Maybe I wear pink for the next special. I was gonna go animal print, but maybe some pink. And. Okay, I think I might have to go. Might be pivoting to pink. Pink's also a little. It's. It's a little more disarming, right? So if I'm getting up there and I'm really leaning in on some labia jokes, but I'm in a cute pink little, little Barbie number, it's a little less threatening. Okay, okay, Clock it, Clock it. But I do think I would el woods the shit of out of it, you know, don't mistake my kindness for weakness. And a lot of folks like, oh, Heather's a goofball dude. I am also a silent killer. Like, I'm in the back of my mind clocking it. I'm the great observer. I am an observational queen. Honey, you could be talking shit about your dermatologist seven rows back in a movie theater, and I could be crunching on the loudest snack and could still be able to decipher who you're talking about, what the context is, is, and how we all should feel about that mole removal you went through. Couldn't get that out. I know what's going on. I see the things I would have been in Stranger Things season one and been like, who's the Demogorg Got it. Clocked it. You need me to find somebody, dude. And I'm not necessarily great on the interwebs. Like, it's hard for me to. But now I've gotten so much better, honestly, now that I have this kind of mahjong confidence, it's truly over for you hoes. But if you need me to find somebody, if you're like, I dated this guy once, and all I remember is he wore a red T shirt, he drove a Toyota Corolla, and he liked the Jonas Brothers. And you're like, okay, well, so he was gay. But, yeah, let's find him. I'll find him. I'll figure it out. Where was it? I can't remember if this was in New Jersey or Wisconsin. Don't remember. I'm like, got him. His name's Avery. And yes, he's married to a man, you dumb bitch. Like, I'm good at the context of clues. That's why I won Celebrity Jeopardy. I am not necessarily going to do your taxes, but I can figure things out. I can figure things out. Like, I wasn't bad at science because. Let me get the chapstick from the corner of my mouth because I. Could you give me a couple little lotions and potions and some selenium and magnesium and a little boric acid, and we got ourselves a suppository. No, I don't. You say you give me a beaker, some goggles and parameters on how not to blow up the lab, and your girl's gonna figure it out. I mean, I've recently, with the help, obviously, of the Internet and so many wonderful people, I've recently healed a titty. Now it is healing. The skin is closed. It will be a long journey to not have a giant pink and purple scar on my chest. But we figured it out. I'm great at resourcing things. I'm great at. At finding folks legitimately. I know I dress up like Dog the Bounty Hunter for Halloween. I would have made a great bounty hunter in the sense of like, you need to find a long lost cousin. Oh, yeah, girl. I'll find it. You give me an iPad. Actually, I don't like an iPad if I'm trying to find somebody on Facebook or any of them. I don't want an iPad. I need a keyboard. I am not. I've never been an iPad girly. I know. Martha Stewart is a 10 iPad girly. I've got to have a keyboard, a physical keyboard on the iPad. Why would I use an iPad when I would just use My phone. I'm already straining my eyes. You got to hold the iPad up and every. You gotta. No, give me a full laptop with a keyboard. I need a click, clack, clink, clink, clink. Like, I need to hear it. I need to feel that. These were big on TikTok for a while, these creamy keyboards. And you know what I used to hate this is my ADD kicking in. Ha would always say, creamy. She's like, ooh, we're making a creamy Alfredo. And it used. It was. That was my nails on a chalkboard. It's creamy, creamy, not creme. You want a creme fusilli pasta. And my mom never understood why. As a kid, I'd be like, turn Giada off. It's Ina Garten or bust, bitch. Don't get me started on the pioneer woman. My God. But she would say creamy cheese. Oh, I couldn't hand it. Giada, I know you're Italian. I know you're authentic. And from one Italian sister to the other, we should be cooking together. But I cannot stand the way you pronounce creaming. What was my point? Oh, but creamy keyboards. Creamy, creamy. That's how you say it. You say it. Creamy keyboards were a big thing, and folks would get them, and they made this, like, interesting sound. Now, I would. I never tapped into asmr. I don't think I had the receptor. Like, I don't have. I don't have the satellite antenna that picks up on the specific. I don't know if it's a vibration, it's a tone. It's a frequency that you're supposed to hear when people are doing ASMR and they're touching things and they're whispering. Like, it makes some people horny. I kind of am just like, huh? What? Jeff, turn the volume up. I don't understand what she's saying. I don't have that reception now. Mukbang I could kind of get into, which is something I'm going to miss on the tiktoks. But it's not that. The overindulging, not the gorging. It's just there's this one woman who, like, cracks open crab legs, and she dips them in a sauce and sucks it out. And I'm like, okay, all right, all right, Sheila, you're kind of talking to me now, but I don't know. I watch you eat one crab leg. It tickles that receptor. It. It scratches that itch. And then I'm over it. And then I'm like, you all are disgusting. And Then I'm in the. You're all disgusting. Have some humanity. What's wrong with you? But, yeah, but to answer your question, we're pausing on the TikTok for a minute, and I went to Threads because Threads is so much fun, and I'm not even good at Threads. I'm better at responding. I'm not my best on Threads. Like, I literally am genuinely asking questions. Like I asked about my burnt titty. How to wean yourself and rid yourself of high estrogen after coming off birth control. You know, are we still going to tanning beds? Like, I'm asking just general questions on Threads because I treat it like a text message. But, man, the comment section on tech talks. I don't know. I mean, hang tight. I don't have the answers. This is all very quick. And I don't have the answers to the universe. I don't have the answers to everything politically, except Cheetos. Gotta go. What the Is happening? And the midterms are coming up, and I will be very vocal about that. And I. And. And so Buck club. And if that isn't for you, off. Okay. But yeah, Tik Tok. We're. We're putting a pause on it until we can figure out what the. Is actually going on. But in the. In the meantime, Lexa Pro. Lexa Pro. Which way will my feelings go? How fun would it be to be in a Super bowl ad? I don't know why. And they all filmed the super bowl ads in, like, October, so I know I missed the cut. My agents never called, but I would have been so fun in a Super bowl commercial. And I know eczema has the money, and there are so many people, especially pediatric. Eczema is, like, a problem. I could be in a commercial holding very cute, rashy babies while I'm also having a flare up and just do the commercial. Like, hello, I'm addicted to poppy soda.
- [59:26]
B
Hello.
- [59:28]
A
These are all things that I could be a part of. I could do a national psa. Hi. Are you a young woman hurrying up to go to happy hour? Please stop. Stop. Put that curling iron on a cooler setting. Put on a top. Cover your tatas. Cause if not, you're gonna have a burned, singed Teddy. I'm Heather McMahon, and this is a PSA. Like, there's a lot of things that I could help the world with. Also, I'm pumped about Bad Bunny. You know what I mean? He's. Ooh, it's gonna be fun. And I can't wait. Wait for. Okay, also the alternate. The Alternate halftime show that these people are trying to do. Oh, my God. Oh, yeah. I don't even have words. It's. It's all so insane, people. Bad Bunny's not a man. What's that guy's name? Dirty rabbit. Naughty rat. It. He ain't even from America. He is. He's Puerto Rican. It's the heart of America. Oh, my God. Some of y' all did not pay attention in school. And trust me, I was in the trailer closest to the highway for mathematics. I was taken out of class with the other chubby kids who couldn't read good, and we had to go to a trailer. They couldn't even put us in it. Like, I don't know, a yurt. We were in a real trailer in our school uniforms doing flashcards for algebra. And some of those people are still some of my best friends. And I remember looking into them going, what are we doing? Talk about isolation. I mean, dude, I have my 20 year high school reunion coming up. Ooh, I'm so excited. It's gonna be so much fun. And we only graduated with, I think it was like 120 kids. Hopefully we have a really good turnout. So I'm excited to see everybody. Like, literally no beef, no hate, no shade. Everybody was fun. I mean, we were all crazy. But I miss these folks. I really had a. As much as my school was insane and we're all survivors of something there. We had the best time and we had so many fun, wonderful characters and really smart people. And actually, I was driving down here and I was talking about what's going on with my friend Mary. And Mary was like. We were laughing and Mary was like, you know that one kid who really wanted to run for president? I was like, yeah. And she's like, I'm so glad he didn't because he was a good person. And I think in order to, like, really be in office, you have to be a terrible person. I was like, mary, I totally agree with you. He dodged a bullet on that one. Even though his senior superlative was to be president one day. Thank God he's not. And he's doing insurance. Insurance. Like, oof. Thank God we got a good one. But we are very excited for this reunion, so don't worry, you're going to be getting lots of updates from that. But I'm pumped. And a lot of people get nervous about their high school reunion. We were in this weird bubble and then the friends of mine who were all doing special math together, we're on a group chat and we're just like, hey, y', all. I still can't figure out 90 degrees, but damn it, I miss y'. All. And that's. That's. That's important. So, again, don't know what to tell you about the apps just yet. Hang tight. Where it's. It. You know, it's like the news. We're fighting for democracy and things are rolling in very quickly and things are changing at any minute, so hang tight. But I think we're pumping the brakes right now. Let's get to the next voicemail.
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Hi, Heather. This is Chelsea calling from California, longtime listener. You know my girlfriends love you. Anyways, I have an absolute freaking lootly not for you. I know we talk a lot about in the show about Zins and how our guys like to have a little cheeky zen every now and then. Whatever. Do you. This guy I was dating last year, we went to hookup. He goes down on me for, I don't know, 15 minutes when this man comes up for air. He had had a zin in his cheek the entire time he was down there. What in the bacterial vaginosis was this man thinking? Okay, I wish for not only myself, but women across the globe that this story was not true. But I am. I don't know much about Zins. I've never tried one, but I do know they're probably not supposed to get near your coochie. So anyways, I'm wishing you and every woman listening protection from zin infused cunning lingo. Anyways, Love and light tiramisu.
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A
Love and light tiramisu. And honestly, God, I know this has been a crazy episode, but. Tiramisu bitch. I just want to say that I haven't said that in a minute, and I feel like I need to see some of my tiramisu baddies. Whether you're. You're man, woman, we need a hug. Like, so if you see me in public and you don't have the flu, just as gentle. Tiramisu bitch, we all need a hug and just have a hug. And I hate to be like, kumbaya, my lord, but I really do miss y' all because y' all are the best. And that's why I hate not being on the road right now, because I just miss you all so much and Tiramisu bitch. And I mean, this is what you call in for. This is what I'm here to do is to help you now, Kelsey, I believe. Kelsey, I got to be honest with you. I'm going the opposite direction on this one dude, first of all, this is what you need to know about Zins. And I am not sponsored, paid. I think it's a terrible habit. I think my husband is fully addicted and he. It needs to go. And all these people acting like they're not. Their teeth aren't going to rot out and their gums aren't going to bleed because it's a pure nicotine pouch is like. But I'm telling you right now, one, one, girl, the reason he was able to go down on you for 15 minutes is because he was geeked out. He was zen up. He had that little. What is it? That, that little. You know, the silica pouches that you get when you open an order. You ordered some clothes from Revolve and they've got the little silica pouches. It's supposed to keep your clothes fresh while it's traveling across the country from one factory to your door. That's the same thing the nicotine's doing. It's keeping him focused on what he's doing. You think if the man didn't have some sort of nicotine pouch up in his jaw, he would be. He would be going down on you for 35 seconds? Girl. He was in the zone. First of all, 15 minutes is fantastic. So quit your bitching over here. Bragging, unbelievably bragging about it. Fifteen minutes, every guy. You know, even if your man doesn't do nicotine, I think for a little foreplay, you say, hey, baby, slip one of these up in that upper lip and let's go. And I'm going to be honest with you, Kelsey. The last thing you need to worry about is bacterial vaginosis. You got rid of that in 2007, your senior year of college. And since then you've kept the ph, right? And if we're not guys, people used to take tampons, soak them in vodka and shove them up their choo cha so that they could get high at Six Flags. I mean, we're worried about a man with a little nicotine keeping him focused. That's when Jeff gets a nicotine. I say, he's zenned out. We're in the car and his personality changes. He puts the nicotine in and all of a sudden he's like, what's your 10 year goal? Where do you see us? You know what I. What should our kids names be? I love our life. And I'm like, what? He. It's like a euphoric, excited moment for him. My husband will have a Zenin in his upper lip while we're watching. We were watching Eastbound and Down last night. He had a zenin and he looked at me and he was like, you think I can get in that Pikachu in a minute? And I said, okay, yeah, sure. And it was good. It was good. He just. It puts a little pep in his step. I would say the. The man's equivalent or the woman's equivalent is when that. That I maybe say the quarter way down mark of an iced coffee hits you and you're like, I could fucking do anything right? Maybe you already took your Lexapro in your iced coffee and you're like, I could do anything right now. That's how empowered some of these bros feel on nicotine. And as long as they're doing it for good, as long as they are nicotine out for cunnilingus. Yes. Do you. There's a lot worse things that could have affected your vagina. I'm not worried about the nicotine. And you might get a little spearmint kick. Now, I'm not saying I'm not a doctor. There probably are consequences, but, dude, not worried about it. Remember Sonja Morgan who, like, smoked a cigarette out of her vagina? Guys, we're not worried about it. I. Dude, I got that probably got bacterial vaginosis today at the gym because I had my leggings on inside out. And that meshy part that's supposed to protect your choo cha was on the outside so my pussy couldn't breathe. It was just straight latex on latex. I got off that treadmill and I looked in the mirror. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. I have been walking around like this. This is more. So I'll end up with BV just from actually trying to better myself, health and wellness wise. But I think in order to get your man to have the stamina, because, you know, he. You know, his cholesterol is high. You already know he's struggling with probably stress at work. He's got a horrible diet. The least he could do is get nicotine out and go down on you. I think it's a win win for everybody. Maybe have them put a spearmint in. You know, there's a coffee flavor. Again, I am not pushing people to get on nicotine. I'm just telling you, we're trying to glass half full of the situation. You don't need to be worried about an infection. You just need to be worried about an erection. Oh, God, I'm so good. And if some of these guys who have erectile dysfunction need to get. Need to be jonesing for a little thing in the cheek. Don't worry about an infection. Worry about that erection. If he's got a boner and is going down on you for 45 minutes and then can still pump, let's go. And, ladies, this is where we get it wrong. This is. See, this is where. This is where I side with the gun. This is the only time I'm pivoting to the other side. He was going down on me for 15 minutes. And what was wrong with that? Nothing. Shut up, lay back, open an architectural digest, and enjoy yourself. Oh, my God. Wait, wait. I don't know if I can say this. This is a horribly dark place to end all on. Jeff and I were doing sex, having a real nice time, having a great time. This is the other. Other night. We've been doing a lot recently. We're just. I, I, He. He's a good man, Savannah. No, but I also did need him to help me move some very heavy things this week. And I knew if I just kept him, you know, lighter with less semen in him, he would help me, right? Glad as a feather, stiff as a board. We're in the act. It's going back and forth. It's hot and heavy. And the TV was on. And now I have a new rule. Like, it has to be on the weather channel or it has to neutral, because this commercial came on, and it was for sick children. And when I tell you, I literally, I gassed out loud there. You know, it was a fundraiser for children who were not doing well. I won't. I won't elaborate anymore because it's sad. And I said, jeff, this is dark. And he looks at the tv, he's like, oh, my God. And it was just one of those things where as soon as we saw that, it was like, I said, get my cell phone. We got to make a donation. The kids need it. And he was like, well, do you want to finish? I'm like, I can't Now, Now. So I do recommend neutral channel sports. A football. They're not going to be paying attention. Give them a little zen, put it in the cheek, Let them go down on you. And then maybe, I mean, you could even turn on the housewives. But I don't think anything that's going to make you laugh because Jeff and I have had to find a hard line of, like, I. I'm giggling too hard, and I should be squirting more. You know what I mean? That's where we're at. I can't believe I just said that. But regardless, this podcast is about everything, nothing, and all the things all at once. And while we're trying to be good neighbors to each other, keep this wonderful sense of community and also try and survive and fix the world's problems, I just want you to know that this is truly the highlight of my week. And I already feel so extremely cathartic being able to giggle with y' all and also talk about things that are important to us. And I hope you always know where my heart's at, where my head's at, and I may not always have the right words to articulate how I feel, you know, because, again, I had to do math in the trailer next to the highway. But I want you to know from me and my heart, heart that I'm always gonna. I'm always gonna try. And is the scene safe? It ain't. I'm always gonna speak up for what's going on. So that's all you need to know. And I'm going to get some Botox today because, you know, and let me just end on this. I have been working out, and I'm so proud of myself. I really been lifting heavy weights. I was doing 40 pounds, bench press, 150 on the legs. Like, once I get into hos, once you activate hos mode, it's like, you can't stop, stop me. You can't stop me. And so I've really been sticking to the gym. I've enjoyed it. I've enjoyed seeing friends at the gym and having a good time. And I called my friend today, this morning, I was like, you know what? I'm working out. Not even for that. I look good and shit. Which we can all be vain and trust me, your girl's gonna look good and shit. But I'm working out so that I feel strong. And I feel like I'm doing one thing thing to put one foot in front of the other. So, honeys, put your leggings on. Right side out. Oh, and I'm so sorry that y' all had to look at this cowlick. This entire thing. I know. I know. If you're watching this on YouTube or if this is. We cut together an Instagram clip. I am cowlicked out. I don't know what to do. A lot of hairstylists say cowlicks are good because they give you more volume. But it literally is called a cowlick because it looks like a cow came and licked the back of my head. I got a cowlick. I've got a lazy on my. And I need. Mama needs Botox. So hold on. Trust me, I already know. Before you leave a comment, I'm. I'm. I'm fixing the eye and the lick and the. The wrinkle and the paleness. Lay off me. We're doing the best we can, but I want y' all to know that I really enjoy everybody being here, and this is the highlight of my week. So thank you for being with me for this hour. And anyways. All right, I'm rambling. I gotta go. I love you. I mean it. I will be on the road soon. Please get your tickets@heatherontour. The first shows out of the gate are Houston, Texas. I think I'm gonna come a day early and mahjong with some baddies. And then we're gonna Fort Worth, and then we are off to the races, and it's gonna be so fun. And these shows are really gonna be dialed in because we're getting ready to shoot the special. So please come out support. I love you. I mean it. Y' all are the best. I'll see you next time. Ciao, bella. A river dance. You.
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Bye.
- [74:37]
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Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. T.