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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you are staying warm wherever you are. And if you're in, like, California, like, Newport beach, just shut up. The rest of us are freezing our dicks off, man. Really got a winter weather situation this past weekend, and I hope everybody's safe. I've been really, really thinking. All of my friends in Nashville and those surrounding areas and then in Oxford, Mississippi. I mean, dude, the whole town is straight up ice. No power lines down everywhere. Really a scary situation. I mean, I have no idea how my house is doing. Weren't able to get in touch with anybody. I know that it's all. All ice. And, you know, I've gotten reports from some other people. Just, it's. It's a. It's a pretty hairy situation there. So I want everyone to know that I'm thinking of you and I'm praying for you, and I hope everybody. Okay. You know what I've never understood? I have never been able to wrap my head around this. The heat and the hate that weather men get. Weather gals, weather people, I don't understand it. If they say there's a weathering pattern coming, we're following the model. The model looks like it's going to be a bad one, and then it ends up being lighter. Everybody's fucking sending death threats to these weather folk. Why I'd rather them say category six hunkered down. And then, hey, surprise, it was lighter. Because every time in history that we've said, oh, category five coming. You know what? I'm gonna be chill about it. I'm gonna be chill. I'm gonna go to the gym, and I'm gonna be chill about it. Next thing you know, you're on the roof. You're on the roof. SOS with a flare going, somebody help me. Like, we've learned our lesson before, and I'm not making light of former harrowing situations, but I was following this whole thing in Atlanta, and one of our dear weathermen was like, dude, I've had, like, 200 death threats today. Cause people are pissed at my model predictions. Meanwhile, across the board in the Southeast, every weather person was like, you need to hunker down. And no, we did not get it as bad. It was still icy, y'. All. It's icy. You could ice skate down my. My damn driveway. But the sun came out this morning, and it's starting to melt. But in other parts, it's very bad. I just never understood. It's like yelling at a gate agent for when a flight's delayed because of weather. Oh, I'm sorry. Do you want to go into the eye of the storm? Because I don't. I don't care if I'm on a Boeing 747. I'm not trying to fly into the hurricane. But whoever. Actually takes time to dial up their Internet. Because, you know, the people that actually harass weather people are people who still have dial up, get on their Dell. You know, Google got them up here. This is them typing on their keyboard. I gotta find the local edger man. I gotta find his Facebook. And this guy's out here just trying to help us be proactive. He's trying to predict the future of Mother Nature. Ms. Cleo couldn't even do that. He's out here saying, I'm using my scientific education to look at the models and the wind patterns and the precipitation and the cumulus nimbus clouds. And I gotta put all that together, put it in the algorithm, lick my finger, put it to the sky and make an educated guess on what we think's gonna happen. And then you want to send this guy death threats out of your mind. I was up at my country club two weeks ago talking to this nice couple. Their son is a weatherman in a really big market, and I won't give any of that away. And they were. He's young, he's attractive, And I'm like, what's the deal? What kind of hate or love does this guy get? And they're like, oh, he's got stalkers. And it's always older women stalking him, trying to get photos of that booty and then being like, is it going to be hot or cold today, baby? And then on the other end of it, it's just like grown men who are like, I'm trying to go on my fishing trip. And you said it's going to be 80% chance of rain. I hope you die. It was only 79.9% chance, and Carl still got wet. Like, what are we doing here? People who take the time to harass weather people are also the same people who leave Yelp reviews about restaurants that were. They enjoyed. You can't win. And I know society's on the brink of a collapse because of this. Like, I was glued to all the, you know, the nextdoor app. I was glued to the ring camera app. We got a Google nest. We've got everything, okay? Lights, camera, action. We're focused on what the fuck's going on in our community. And everybody is talking about the harassment online that the weather people are getting. And I just say, justice for weather people. Y' all are doing the best you can. And just because Carl wants to go fucking turkey hunting on a Tuesday during a nor'. Easter. Not our problem, Carl. The turkeys are gonna have to wait for another day. And you know what you could do? Because they're gonna freeze to death. Maybe build a nice little nest for them. Maybe put out a heated blanket. You selfish prick. I mean, unbelievable. Oh, my God. Yeah, it is a rare breed, a rare bird that takes the time to send a threat to a weather person. You got to be, dude, something happened. Something happened in that childhood. To be like, you know what? I want to. I want to ruin this man's day. And there's a weather guy I believe out in la. Who's he in la? Dallas Rains. Dallas Rains. And I don't know if that's a stage name. Let me look this up. I think he's in la because I remember watching Dallas Rains all the time when I was in Los Angeles. Let's look him up. And I'm like, this guy made up his name. There's no way. Oh, dude, Dallas Rains. American meteorologist. Yeah, From Los Angeles. He's at the. I'm obsessed with him, okay? First of all, oh, he's from Georgia. Shout out. He is the greatest weatherman of all time. He is a fucking character. I want you to envision whatever you're envisioning with that name, Dallas Rains. And then I want you to Google it, and you're gonna be like, yeah, checks out. And I used to love watching him. And I'm like, whoever did your branding, whatever agent told you on early days in meteorology school to be like, your last name needs to be. A weathering pattern reigns. Dude, if I could actually, that might be a side hustle. I go to local colleges with folks who are trying to become weather people. Meteorologist. And I do all the branding. I'm like, okay, here's the deal. What's your name? Mark. Mark. And okay, you're going to a small, small city first, because that's the thing. They go to tiny markets first. And. And that's in any sort of journalism. You want to be on the Today show one day, you got to start in South Biloxi, all right? You're doing the Beaumont, Texas weather before you're going to Rockefeller Center. That's just how it. That's how the cookies crumble. Because you gotta get your footing in a small market and then you slowly work your way up. But this is where I could get them. I could get them at the small market. You know, do a full makeover. Get, get. Make sure they're in the right outfit, suited and booted. And then I'm like, okay, your name's Mark. Mark. What turns you on about weather? And Mark's like, let me tell you what, there's something about that, that cool breeze, which is also warm right before a summer rainstorm. I'm like, mark Summers. Bam. There you go. Bam. Two Bams. Emeril Agassi. Bam. That shit. Now, his name's Mark Summers. He's like, but my last name's Dershowitz. Doesn't matter. You're Summers now, all right? And you're only wearing pastel colors and a neon every now and then. There you go. Good luck to you. I just. I think I would be so good at that job. I really do. So if there's any people out here who are training, studying, finishing their degrees for meteorology, please reach out to me. I'll do this pro bono just because I want you to end up like a Dallas reigns and a huge market thriving, just cash and checks and saving lives. About mudslides. Like, I love it and maybe there's something inside of me there. You know, I've always. I've said this for the last couple of years on this pod. I'm all about preparation. I'm all about, let's do. Instead of being reactive, let's be proactive. Do you. You don't think I got a bug out back? You don't think I got a bug out back? Dude, I took one of my Mr. Eat well suits and I wrapped that bad boy up and I put it in a bag. Because I get sent a lot of bags. I got way too many totes. We are tote heavy at the McMahon house. I got that. I've got a first aid kit, couple flashlights, one of those lifesaver water straws that I bought at Costco when I was high. One night, dude, I got the bug out bag. Now this will remind me I need to have one for. And put it in my car. You need to have one in your car, one in your home. I got an old pair of sneakers in there, two pair of socks, and one thong that will help me survive. And I'm not saying prepping. This is not prepping. But it's like, if the storms are coming and Dallas rains is saying, heather, hunker down. I got my bag on my shoulders strapped across the chest, being like, let's go. I don't want to be caught with my pants down in the eye of the storm. Now, I will say this icy shutdown lockdown is very similar to Covid, where we're gonna see a lot in nine months due time, we're gonna see a lot of ice storm babies. You know, the power's out. We're trying to stay warm. What are we doing? Next thing you know, P goes in V, and we're gonna have a lot of kids that probably wouldn't have been there otherwise, except we're having a lot of storm babies. And you know what? Hardship and scary times bring people together. So just. You want to get that birth rate up. There you go. Lockdown. Yeah. But we. We are okay. Thank goodness. I will say we were all getting a little stir crazy in the house, but I've been dialed into mahjong, all right? And I didn't want to. I resisted for so long. I'm going to be that white woman who says publicly I resisted that. That Asian temptation of learning the mahjong, and not because I didn't want to hang out with my fellow Asian brothers and sisters. It's just I saw so many other white women doing it, you know? And I love. I love you girls. Y' all are my girls. I love you. We are all together. But I was just like, I don't want to go to a mahjong party at somebody's house where everybody has kids, and then all they're going to do is ask. I'm trying to learn the game, which I already know is a hard game. And then they're shoving fucking down my throat and like a deviled egg. And then you're like, so, Heather, now that we got you really confused, playing this difficult game, and you're drunk. When are you gonna have a baby? You know, I just. I've been putting that off, and that's my own thing to deal with. I'm projecting onto all the fabulous, wonderful people who play mahjong. I'm projecting what I'm afraid of being in a group setting, and that's. That's on me. I know. I am fully projecting that. But speaking of Asians, my mom's dear friend Nicole, who's a hoot and a half. I'm obsessed with her. Nicole comes over, and she's I mean, she's like a mahjong queen. She goes, heather, I'm telling you, you have been begging for something to do that is not being on your phone, that is not tied to entertainment bullshit where you can just physically decompress your brain but also use your brain in a different way. So she comes over, she teaches us mahjong. Dude, two rounds in, I'm. I'm yelling mahjong. Now, this is the only reason why I think I'm decent at it. And for all the other people who are driving in their car right now, Rol. Her eyes like, oh, Heather, you're three years late to the game. Shut up. Shut up. You're driving to see your orthopedist because you rolled your ankle at pickleball last week, Leslie. So I don't want to hear it. I don't want to see that. I don't want to see that. That fat ankle cruising in your Lexus. I don't want to see that. This is. The mahjong is very confusing. And then once you get it, you get it. But when I tell you it, you're looking at this card. Basically what it is. It's a game of tiles created in the west, you know, shout out to China. And it's. It moves quick, but it's a game of, like, pattern recogn. Recognition. Yeah, pattern recognition. And that's recognition. What did that. You know, when you say something, you're like, that doesn't sound right. It could probably not be right. I'm good at patterns. I'm good at memorization. I was always, always good with memorizing scripts, lines. Kind of like a photographic memory. That's how my brain works. If you try and sit me down in Vegas and we're doing BlackJ. I gotta count. I gotta count. That's not how my brain works. But I can look at a card, and it has all these different patterns, these different formulas that you can make with certain tiles. And, dude, I've hit mahjong in the last two weeks, like 10 times. I'm Mahjong ing hard. And it's. This has been the first thing where I'm like, semi. It's a very difficult thing. People warn you that it's difficult. And then I kind of got it. And I was like, wait a minute, guys. Wait a minute. Dee dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee, dee. My brain understands the mahjong, so I'm mahjong and all day long. And we decided to play. So for the ice storm, we've got Ashley's at home, Mom, Jeff and I, we've got all three dogs. You know, house is full. We're eating Costco pizza heated up. You know, we're in our Mr. Eat well sweatsuits, and we're cozy. And so I get a wild hair up my ass to want to teach everybody else in my family the mahjong. And I swear to God, Jeff comes in there with an ego, and he. Jeff is fantastic at gambling. Okay? He understands it. He is. And not that he reads cards, because I think I'm not supposed. I think that's illegal. So he didn't do that, allegedly. But Jeff is really good. You could sit him at a blackjack table or at a poker table or at roulette for 48 hours, and he'll leave with a hundred thousand dollars and, like, you know, a tickle in his taint. He's just good at that. That's the way his brain works. My brain works at. I can recognize a pattern. So I try and teach him. And this guy, he doesn't listen. He is literally playing mahjong. One of the hardest games to figure out, but once you're in, you're in. Okay? It's like going to that club. Is it Bergain? Yeah, it's Bergen. That club in Germany. Like, once you're in, you're in. You can go to any floor and fudge anybody you want. But when you're standing outside trying to get in, good luck to you. Your outfit better be crisp, and you better be sharp as a fucking tack. And then once you're in mahjong, and you get it, you're. You're cooking with gas. You're throwing tiles, you're betting quarters, you're getting crazy. You're throwing white wine, you're cheersing, you're doing the damn thing. So Jeff, I don't realize he's kind of dicking around on his phone. I figure he's just following one of the big football games, the playoff games, the AFC championship. And I realized this motherfucker's playing blackjack while I'm trying to demonstrate and give an instructional lesson on how to play the mahjong. So we get there, he tries to call mahjong twice. And I look over at him, I go, jeff. And he puts his jokers out. But now, this is all you need to know right now. If you ever learn how to play mahjong, you cannot have a joker with a pair. It's gotta be with a triple or a quad, okay? A joker can only work with something three and Above. So he lays all these things out. He's got five fucking jokers, and he's patting his chest. And I said, jeff, you don't have mahjong. I told you the first rule that you said you absorbed and you nodded your head was that the joker doesn't go there. He's like, what the fuck? You never told me that. You know what I mean? Just like, okay, yeah, okay. And I lost it. I saw the look at my sister's eyes. She's like, you guys good? I'm like, oh, yeah, but I'm about to beat dad ass. Don't be over here double dipping, thinking your online blackjack's better than my mahjong, motherfucker. Then he comes around. He's like, all right, clean. Clean the table. We're playing Uno. Because that's something you need to know is Jeff is highly competitive, and I am not a competitive person. But now that I understand this one thing, I will use this. I will dangle this power that I have to be able to read patterns and understand where the tiles go. This is my superpower. Like, I was laying in bed the other night, and I'm like, okay, this was semi not hard. And everyone says this is hard. So does this mean flash forward two years from now? I'm sitting in a convention center somewhere in Hong Kong surrounded by dudes ripping cigarettes and a pair of, like, just sunglasses. And we're. You know, the timer hits, and it's like, we're at the world championship Mahjong, and I'm in some sort of fabulous cheetah print cape because I want that to be my thing. Like, if I'm going to end up at the World Series of Mahjong, I want it to be a look. I want there to be pattern recognition in my presentation of how I show up. I want to pull up in the same stretch white limousine every time. And people know that I have my little superstitions before the. Before the round, I got to have two scoops of a good homemade French onion dip, one soup dumpling to obviously show my love and support to the Asian community who created this said wonderful game. Have a cup of hot tea for my chi, and then maybe snort a line of coke, and I'm in. You know, whatever that. Whatever that looks like. I really had one of. I was daydreaming. I was sitting there looking at my husband, you know, just throwing out his uno cards because he couldn't understand the game. And I'm just going, oh, my God, this is it. This might be My calling. And I know every white woman, specifically in the Houston area because mahjong is like dialed in in Texas right now. But I was just thinking, I was like, this is it. This might be. This might be my thing. And I saw, I just saw lights and specific colors and like the voice of God talking to me. And he's like, McMahon, you're gonna mahjong. So I've been looking for a hobby, something that I could. That would sharpen my brain instead of dumb it down. I wanted a physical hobby and I wanted something tactile and I wanted something mental. I'm still working on the Spanish again. Lo siento. Mi espanol is mu malo. But this might be it. And apparently you don't play it in Vegas. But if I would, if I could play mahjong in Vegas, somebody let me know when that becomes a thing and I'll go downtown, you know what I'm saying? I'll go out to Hendersonville. I don't care. You let me know. Because I really saw like, it was like God was speaking to me. He said, heather, you're taking this international. You're going to be. They're going to call you like the white tiger, right? Because I've got cat like features. And I'll be in all animal print, long cape all the way down. And at my walkout song, it's not going to be eye of the tiger. That's two on the nose. You know, it'd be the Pussycat dolls because I, we run slow, we do them things that them boys don't do in the back of the pink Cadillac. Maybe that's it. I roll up in like a Mary Kay pink Cadillac and then that's it. Show stopping. Show, show stopping. Oh my God. The synergy of this branding is making me want to just rip off my hot pink one wool sweater right now. I'm so excited. They'll be like, heather, Heather, Heather, over here, over here. Why'd you choose pussycat dolls? Well, they do call me the white tiger. And honey, I may seem like a kitty cat, but I will bite like a big girl. Heather, Heather, why'd you choose song? Show stopping? Well, you know, I am a world renowned comedian and entertainer. So I do stop the show when I come in and beat all yalls asses in the game of mahjong. Heather, Heather, over here, over here. What's up with the cheetah print, sweetie? I just like to bring it full circle and let you know while I blend into the forest, I'm gonna Get you with a green dragon. And then I roll the dice, and it's like, now imajong. And then some giant Chinese man hits a gong. And that's it. That's it. You know what I mean? And we're off to the races. And then at some point, I'm holding up a trophy, and all these fabulous people are below me like, I got a coach. And I want my. I want this to be like a Karate Kid moment. I want my coach to be an older Chinese woman. And maybe there's a language barrier, but we are one. She's crying. I'm crying. I'm like, I couldn't have done this without you. And she's yelling at me something like, how are you still so fat? Even though we trained so hard? And then we turn it into a movie. I mean, this is a great movie idea. Fuck. Okay, I gotta call my agent. But I'm just saying. Don't you see it? This is the kind of daydream I was at while my husband's just sweating in the corner and he hasn't showered for two days, even though we had full power and hot water. And he's just doling out the Uno. And I'm like, you didn't listen to the first fucking rule, Jeff. So you've been playing a bad round this whole time? He was hanging onto this one tile that I desperately needed, and he's hoarding it. Cause he didn't know how to play the fucking game. I was angry, and my sister looked at me, and she goes, this might turn you into a monster, but also, I'm ready to see where this goes. So, any gals, Local or gays, guys? Hell, I'll play with straight dudes, and I'll beat that ass. I will beat dad ass. So I don't. I could be playing this all wrong and maybe have no idea what I'm doing. And my friend Nicole is just like, I'm gonna let you win, sweetie. We know you weren't the brightest. I'm just gonna hold your hand and let you win Mahjong. Okay, everybody. Heather got the Mahjong. Meanwhile, I'm, like, chewing on my tongue in the corner with a glass of white wine, being like, mahjong. I got the mahjong. Hmm. But I have very vividly. And this kind of goes with a little bit of, like, manifestation. I very vividly have seen myself walking on stage at the Emmys. I've seen myself do these things, performing. Like, I just feel it in my bones. I will host SNL one day, I see myself standing on the stage. I've already got the monologue written no matter how when this dates us and just going, we got a great show. Pitbull's here tonight. Stuff. Stick around, we'll be right back. Like, it's done, it's written, it's in the sky, it's written. And I just saw something so clear as day that all of a sudden I would beat the odds of being a kid who was in the slow math classes. And here I am playing a foreign game against very, very talented and smart people who are usually very good at math. I see the patterns. Do do do do do do do do. They call me White, White Tiger. Oh my God. I can't wait. I can't wait to just. It's gonna be fun. You know, I love to meet characters so that's gonna be fun. That's gonna be fun. Honey Love is what I love and it's what I wear. And listen, I have products from them that I just can't live without. 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