Loading summary
Transcript12 lines
- [00:00]
A
The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? I hope you're doing well. Hope you're having a great week. Hope you got the luck of the Irish on you. You know what I mean? I hope you got those little leprechauns are topping away on your rooftop saying, today's gonna be a great day, Michelle. I'm having a wild week. Okay, we have so much to discuss. I want to get into the voicemails. I want to talk about Japan and talk about how Scarlet took a tumble, AKA came home to a broken robin. And I feel like we'll dive into that first, because I know y' all are anxious about it. But if you're watching this on the youtubes, I am in a gorgeous green color, which is not usually my color, but this. This level of green I can pull off. I had a gorgeous pink sweater on from Moo Moo. And then I realized with the pink background, I just looked like one giant pink blob. And when I was in Japan, I had a fabulous pink hat on. And, you know, and I had a pink sweater and pink sneakers, and I just was pinked out. And I was walking down the streets of Shibuya. I'm saying that wrong. It's a very trendy area. And these cute little girls were chasing after me, you know? Cause they thought I was Godzilla, but they were like, pink pink. And I said, yes, that's me. It is I pink. And they were like, you love pink. We love pink. And then I looked at them, and they were dressed in all pink. And we just kind of had this, like, real feminine, ethereal, jovial moment of just us all being like, we love pink. And we kind of held hands and squealed a little bit. And then I ran into another store to look at Chanel's. So it was just. Overall, I've realized pink is my color. But today we are wearing green for the Irish. For also. Just so I don't blend into the curtain behind me. Okay. Anyways, where am I going? I'll tell you where I'm going. Okay, I'm going straight to the error, because I had not even taken off out of Tokyo the other day. It was 8pm in Tokyo, so it's about 6am home time. And I get a text message from my sister. Don't freak out. Mom fell. I'm taking her to the er. We're on our way to the hospital, or we're at the hospital, want you to know. And I'm like, what the fuck? What happened? She said, apparently she either slipped on ice or slipped on water out on the porch, letting one of the dogs out. And so immediately I'm like, this is my fault, because I had had my dogs boarded for 98% of the time that we were gone. And then for that last, like, extra day, I said, mom, do you care if, you know my sister's at home? Like, everybody can hang out with the dogs together. Sure, fine. No problem. Whatever. And in my mind, I'm immediately like, this is my fault. Robyn's 78. She shouldn't even have to let a dog out. Here we go. The woman is broken. She's gonna die. Just. It went dark so quick. So I just start. I've had, like, one glass of champagne before we take off, and I'm immediately just like, hey, my mom is all I have left. And then my sister starts texting me. I'm like a psychopath texting Ashley. What hospital is she at? Is she okay? Has she gotten into the doctor? Is she in pain? And Ashley's like. She's shaking a little bit, definitely from the pain. They're gonna give her some Toradol and they're gonna have to reset her arm. So basically what happened was Robin fell, went to brace herself, did a gnarly. On the medical records, it says shattered her wrist. Okay, now this is a dense bitch. You don't have to worry about osteoporosis with robin. She lifts 40 pound weights every single day. She goes to the gym at our country club. She will walk into the club and maybe do four and a half minutes of cardio, will do seven and a half minutes of intense weight training. And then she's done her entire program in total of also getting an iced tea on the way out is maybe 12 and a half minutes. It's in, it's out. But that woman does it every day. She's consistent. And that's a lot more than I can say for myself. Okay? That's the one thing I've never figured out in my life, is consistency. So either way, she gets to the hospital, my sister's there. Thank God Ashley had it under control, because had Robin been by herself, no one would have found her. And my sister woke up because my dog ran into her room and was, like, licking all over her, and she was like, that's weird. Macaroni's in here. Cause she slept with Robin. And then Robin comes around the corner holding her limp wrist. Her fingers are black and blue, and she's like, I fell. Ashley's like, get in the car. We're going to the er. So my sister's texting me all this, and then she sends me a photo of my mom, which I will put up on YouTube. A photo of my mom in a hospital gown. And I don't know how to describe it. It's like she looked like a child, a creature from the depths. Like, it made me laugh and cry so hard at the same time, I couldn't even handle it. So they have to lightly sedate my mom to reset her arm, to even put it, like, back in to put it in a sling. And they're like, you're definitely gonna need surgery. Like, this wrist is shattered. So my sister texts me, and she's like, they're going to consciously unconscious. Okay? I keep saying that over and over again, and it's sounding very bizarre to me. Regardless, I'm running on basically zero sleep, anywho, so. And I'm like, aren't we all trying to live our life like that? Like, didn't Gwyneth Paltrow do a conscious uncoupling? Well, here we are all just trying to make it through the hellhole that is 2026. We're all trying to be consciously unconscious. I am trying to get up every day and be like, I have actively chosen to disassociate and not participate in whatever's on the schedule for today, because I already know it's going to be too much, and it feels helpless, and there's nothing I can do to fix it. Now, that is not the attitude that we're supposed to have to save the world. But I am only one woman on a fucking Wednesday, you know? So my sister sends me this photo, and I. There's something. It was like a. It was just a. A feral reaction of seeing my mom in a little gown, and she. Her hair's a mess, and she looks like she came from the deep parts of a lagoon. She's some sort of lizard woman. The. The skin looks dry, the hair is fried, and she's in a sling and a hospital gown, and I just start weeping. And Jeff's like, are you gonna be okay? And I'm like, no, because I know for the next eight hours, we're not gonna have any cel. Cause when you pop over, when you go from Asia, all the Way over to Alaska. It's like six hours and there's no cell phone service. And I knew two of the flight attendants on the flight, and they were so kind, and they were like, just hang on, all right? She's fine. Your sister's with her. She's gonna be fine. Soon as I touch down, or not even touch down, as soon as I hit the crest of Juno, if you will, I'm able to connect to the interwebs. And Ashley's like, we're home. She was patient zero. Nightmare. You know, it's just Robin. Robin. And this is what I love about Robin. Robin has broken her toe before and reset it herself. Like, we don't fuck around. She has popped a shoulder back in place. She is such a warrior bitch, but she's also terrified and has majorly undiagnosed anxiety. So thankful to my sister, thankful that Robin's okay. She got her home, was keeping an eye on her, and I'm like, I'm landing at 7pm so at this point, I'm going over Alaska. Ashley's checking in with me, and she's like, heather, this woman is on two Percocets and will not lay down. She has had six cups of coffee. She's doing Zoomies in the house and keeps saying over and over again how she has to make you this Christmas fucking ham. Now, I just thought she kept saying Christmas ham because you usually have a ham at Christmas. I didn't realize this was actually a ham from fucking Christmas that she had frozen. So she wanted to serve me frozen Christmas ham. And I said, ashley, what do you mean this ham? She's like, robyn keeps saying over and over again, she has to cook you this ham. And so I sidebar text my mom, hey, Mom, I love you so much. I'm so glad you're home. And okay, there's no need to cook any sort of ham. Whether it's a Thanksgiving ham, an Easter ham, a Christmas ham. No ham needs to go into the oven at any point during this day. You are wounded. I go to bed, lay down. We'll order some Storco fresco, some Yeppa, some Del Bar, something delicious to be delivered to our home. Relax on the fucking ham. So Robin's like, okay. She's like, I wanted to have a nice meal for you when you came home. And let me tell you one thing that is such a treasure and a treat. Because whenever Jeff and I do come home from a trip or if I come home from the road, she always has something delicious. She knows I get home Late. And she always feeds me well, which I'm so grateful for. But I don't know if it was the Percocet that kept kicking in, but Robin just kept marinating. She was on, like, this hamster wheel of I won't be satisfied. I will reject her as my mother. I am her daughter. I will leave a scathing Yelp review on an elderly website that if I don't get this Christmas fucking ham, as soon as I walk in the door from 13 straight hours of travel from Asia, I will burn the house down and leave the family. Like, I could not figure out why she kept ruminating on this ham. So I'm like, I'm gonna chalk it up to the fact that this woman's on a painkiller, okay? So then I walk in the door, and she is. I just start crying. I start crying. She's sitting upright. She's fine. But I start crying because she looks like a child. That is my mommy. She is my little toddler. You know, I talk about it in my new hour, about how all these boomers are toddlers and how we have to take care of them, but truly, at the end of the day, that is my child. And I've obviously talked about how I've lost my dad on this podcast in length. The day that Robin goes, I need y' all to know I will be mourning. I will be in the streets pulling out my hair extensions, wearing a black veil, screaming diva like it will be, you will have to consciously knock me the fuck out. I don't want to be consciously unconscious. I want you to knock me out, hit me in the back of the head when I'm not looking, because it's the only way you'll be able to get me to shut the fuck up. The day that that woman leaves this earth, okay? She is the love of my life. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. I love Squarespace. I can't talk about them enough because I truly enjoy it. I've been using Squarespace for quite some time now. I built my tour website through Squarespace. Squarespace just makes more sense. Obviously, it's easy. You can plug in. Look at their gorgeous AI technology that they use for design. You could plug in and just Start. Okay. I feel like half the time we are worried about growing our businesses because we're worried about where do we even start, how do we even begin? Well, guess what, with Squarespace, it's going to set you up for success. One of the reasons I love it, they have cutting edge design, they have SEO tools, they have Squarespace domains. Hell, maybe you have an organization where you're trying to take donations. You can do it directly through your website and grow your impact with built in donation tools. Also, you can sync all of your social media, all of your tool, all of like, you know, Your videos, your YouTubes, everything can be all in one place because of the technology that they have. You can do email campaigns, you can sell content. Hell, and you can even look at your analytics. That is one big thing. When we are launching a tour, we always look at the analytics of what, what cities people click on the most, where we're seeing the most traffic. It is so important to have this analytics. So here is the deal. This podcast always is sponsored by Squarespace. But I want you to know that we have a promo code for you. So head to squarespace.com absolutely for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, use offer code absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's absolutely. And head to squarespace.com absolutely. Thrive Market has changed the game. Okay, and what is it? It's a membership based grocery service where you can shop from wherever you are, simply just hop on their app and get shopping. The reason I love Thrive Market is their membership breaks down to just $5 a month and it gives members access to weekly sales, personalized shopping with filters, auto ship and save, free gifts, and peace of mind knowing there's no junk in any of the products that they carry. So instead of paying fees on every grocery delivery order, will you pay once for the year and benefit from it every time you shop? I love Thrive because you have peace of mind while shopping. Okay, you can easily shop by 90 plus diet from like high protein meals, low sugar treats, gluten free options, whatever you want, they have a filter for it. There's also no hidden fees. So instead of paying delivery fees and service charges or tips every single order, your membership bundles everything into one simply monthly cost. So think about the amount of times that use other services and you're paying every single time you have food delivered will Thrive. Thrive. You already paid for the membership and it all gets delivered to you. And what I love about Thrive, it's just really really great options and really wonderful. No junk, bullshit, food. Everything that I get from Thrive is incredible and I honestly could spend way more on delivery fees or I could just pay $5 a month for Thrive Market. Like membership. Doesn't that make more sense? Yeah, that makes more sense to me. So for less than the price of a latte, I get one all of the options from Thrive Market. So, ready to make some healthy swaps and become a member? Well, you can join Thrive Market with my link. Just go to thrive market.com absolutely for 30 off your first order plus a free 60 gift. Again, that's thrivemarket.com absolutely for 30 off your 1st order plus a free 60 gift.
- [14:06]
B
Hi, I'm Chandler Garcia. As a picky nurse and global health advocate, I've cared for women and children all over the world, from Costa Rica to Egypt to Kenya and beyond. And no matter where I go or how tough the conditions get, I always wear my figs. These scrubs are lightweight, breathable and super soft. Perfect for long shifts in any environment. They've got pockets in all the right places, the fit is flexible and they're durable through every admission, surgery and post op. But it's not just about the scrubs. Another big part of what I love about figs is when they say they're committed to supporting healthcare workers all over the world, they mean it. I recently joined them on an impact trip to India where I worked in triage, caring for babies in a mobile clinic. My figs aren't just what I wear. They're part of the impact I want to make. Wherever my work takes me, Figs helps me show up ready to make a difference while looking and feeling my best. Get 15% off your first order at WearFigs.com with code FIGSRX. That's WearFigs.com code FIGS RX all right,
- [15:07]
A
anyways, so we walk in the door, I see her in this giant. I don't know how to describe her outfit. She and my sister got these things over Christmas. It's like when a snuggie meets a sleeping bag, meets. I don't know, you went out and like, we're just shearing sheep. I it's this giant thing with a hood that you stick your arms in, but it's not a snuggie. Remember, snuggies had a moment back in like 2000 and I'd say like, oh, 10 Snuggies were all the rage. This goes complete. It's more like a poncho with the hood, but it is a Sleeping bag material. So I walk in, this thing is dragging on the floor. It's bigger than she is, and she's got her arm in a sling, and Lord knows she's gripping a glass of wine. And she's like, your sister tried to get me to take two Motrin. I only took one. I didn't need it. I'm like, mom, you don't get a gold star. There is no ribbon for not taking the medication that the doctor has prescribed to you. He didn't send you home with a bag of cocaine. He didn't send you home with a bunch of oxies. He gave you two Percocets because your. Your wrist was going right when it should have been going left, okay? They had to reset you. I don't know why. Just take the one pill. Go lay down. Take a nice nap. Your body needs to rest. Your body's in shock, okay? She acts like if she doesn't take an Advil or if she's having a heart attack and refuses to take a bear, then you know what? She gets a place than the rest of us in heaven. It does not make sense. I cannot figure it out. It's like, in the words of Bethenny Frankel, go to sleep. Just go to sleep. So I walk in the house and I'm thinking, oh, I know what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna show her all the little knickknacks and treats and yummy things that I got her in Japan. And that's gonna make her feel better. Cause, mind you, I'm texting her in the car, and I'm like, we're almost there, 20 minutes out. And she's like, you bet. You know, this wouldn't have happened if you were home. If you didn't extend your trip for a day, this wouldn't have happened. I mean, she is gonna guilting me. She is just laying it on thick. So I walk in the house, I immediately unzip my bag, and I'm like, let me start throwing matcha treats at her. I got every flavor of fucking KitKat that the country Japan makes. I'm throwing yu boo yuzu, sweet potato, lemon, lime, some sort of, like, soy KitKat at her. I'm just hitting her, pelting her in the head with different treats. I got Pocky with matcha flavor. I mean, we're just. We're throwing seasonal delicious treats at her. And she's like, where's my bag? I said, what do you mean, where's your bag? She goes, you didn't get me. You didn't get me a Birkin. I said, bitch, I didn't even get myself a Birkin. Which we will get to in a minute. I didn't get myself one. You needed a Birkin. When I played Radio City, I went to YSL and bought your ass a bag. And then you go, I don't use it a lot. Like, we're done. I'm not buying you more expensive treats. I will buy you thoughtful, smaller gifts, but the big treats, you don't even enjoy. You're from Boston. You don't enjoy a Louis Vuitton. If I were to, you know, have a small woman build you your dream bag out of leather from Italy, it wouldn't be good enough. Robin, you don't enjoy that. She only enjoys something if she knows I got it on sale or if I had to fight somebody over a bargain bin for it. She only likes the challenge anyways. All that to say. So I walk in, I start throwing treats at her. And, you know, I got her all this fabulous Japanese skincare and these masks and these, you know, treats for everything. And I'm thinking, she's just gonna love it. And she. I don't know if the drugs are the one Motrin it kicked in, but she just opens the fridge and she goes, see the ham? Do you see this ham? I was gonna cook it for you, but I slipped over your dog. So you know what? I didn't cook you the fucking ham. I look at this ham, and it's just sitting in Tupperware in the fridge. The ham is three times the size of my laptop, okay? It is the biggest fucking ham I have ever seen. It is taking an entire shelf in the fridge. And I just say, what about this ham, Mom? She goes, I was gonna make it the Christmas ham. And then I stop her. I said, is this actually the ham from Christmas? And I don't know if Jeff and I have written over our heads like, pork. I don't know what it is, but I'm. I've never been a big ham person. Do I love a prosciutto? Sure. A nice salami? Absolutely. I've never been one to sit down and have a ham sandwich ever. Once in my life. Not even as a child. I had a bologna phase, but who didn't? But I've never, ever in my entire life been like, you know what? I need ham. Gotta have it. Ham. She's like, yeah, I was defrosting it. That's the honey baked ham that I got for Christmas. But we didn't end up doing it. We ended up eating meatballs and Jeff made fried chicken, remember? And I'm like, yes, Mom, I remember. But why the fucking ham? She goes, I said, so that ham has been frozen since Christmas. She goes, yeah, it's still good. And I just lost it. I started crying, laughing so hard. I'm like, this bitch is out of her fucking mind. Her broken wrist is the least of our problems. Honestly, she's so fucking nuts. She should be on a Percocet every day. Just to get to a baseline. Like, you have to realize that this woman is not affected by drugs. The drugs would bring her back to ours level. She is so far in outer space already that giving her copious amounts of, I don't know, like methamphetamines would just get her to a baseline where normal people live, act, work, sleep, and play every day. So Robin is. Got her wound. I mean, she's in a sling. She's in her snuggie. She's just slinging her arm around and her poor little fingers are just black and blue and swollen. And it is just an awful. I mean, Jesus. Just looks pitiful, but is absolutely defiant on the fact that she was gonna cook this Christmas ham. And I said, mom, I want you to know how grateful I am that, A, you're okay, B, that you thought to feed Jeff and I, you know, before we came home, even though that was completely not necessary. Happy to order food. Okay? Happy to. But I also want you to know that I am highly worried that this ham is all that has consumed your mind, your body, your spirit for the last 24 hours. Like, you got physically hurt. We can let the ham go. Like, let the ham fucking go. I also 3C. My counterpoint is I wanna know why we've had this since Christmas. Now, I know you can freeze meat. I know it's usually good in the fridge up to about what, four, four months, But I don't know why this. Out of all of the things that you could have frozen, why the ham? Like, there's just. There's so many follow up questions and dots that I'm trying to connect. And right now I know you're on half a Motrin, and I know that I'm not gonna get the answer that I need. She sits her ass on the edge of the counter. You know, we have this obscene island and she's just like, well, I was gonna make you the damn Christmas ham. And yeah, it was from Christmas, but I figured you'd love a ham. And I'M like, mom, since when have I been a ham girl? Turkey. Yes. And I even bitch about turkey. Maybe a pot roast. Oh, my God, your roasted pork with vinegar peppers. Delicious. Please more. But we gotta let the ham go. So yesterday, so. Also, I'm sorry I'm late on the podcast, but I thought I was gonna get home, record an episode, and then immediately I had to jump in a nurse doo doo. I had to jump into nurse duty. So thank you guys for being so patient with all of this. So I ask everybody on Instagram, who's the best doctor? I'm able to make some phone calls the next morning, and I get her in. So I take her to her appointment, and Robin has this giant shawl. Okay, it's a. I don't know how to describe it. Like a cashmere poncho shawl. Cape. Let's go with cape. She has it wrapped around her. I'm taking her to into the office. We get up to the desk. Hi, this is Robin McMahon. I'm Heather McMahon, her daughter. She obviously hurt herself, so I'm going to fill out any paperwork for her. This is her insurance card, her license. Robin, do you consent to like me filling out your information? Yeah, whatever, Heather. I don't care. Where are we? And I'm like, she's on a Percocet. Meanwhile, she's not. She's on a mod one modrid woman has lost her fucking mind. We sit down, we immediately get taken back into the doctor. I'm filling out all of her paperwork, and of course, I'm like, height and weight. She goes, 5, 4, 1. 16. Don't you wish? I mean, it is just zinger after zinger. I'm like, yeah, mom, you actually weigh a hundred pounds less than me physically, to the dot. £100 less than me. Yes. Thank you so much for rubbing salt in that wound. Mind you, you're the one who wanted to give me a fucking Christmas ham. Okay? You cannot call me fat and then in the same breath be force feeding me ham. I am not a foie gras duck that you're just gonna shove pork products down to fatten me up. That's what you did to my father. And it didn't end well. Okay? So we get back, we see the doctor. Lovely guy, very educated, wonderful, great bedside manner. And he comes in and she's like, all right, what do we do? He's like, well, I just saw your X rays. Let's pump the brakes. Let me. Let me pull up a chair, Red, and I'll tell You. So he says, robin, your break. They actually did a really good job of resetting your break in the hospital. But we're going to recheck it next week. And we have two options. If it stays perfectly centered, does not move a square inch, we may not have to operate. He said, now, I gotta be honest with you. Let's take age into factor. And she goes, I'm 78, but I don't look a day over 42. I work out for 12 and a half minutes every fricking day, so you better watch it. You know? And he's like, no, no, I hear you, but if you were 40 and 50, I'd say we're immediately going to operate. But we do have to take into consideration you going under anesthesia. I was like, this bitch was trying to get her facelift done, like, three weeks ago. Or not worried about the anesthesia. Remember, she is consciously unconscious right now. I said, knock her out. Do us all a favor right now. Can I get some propofol stat? Can. Can I just get a vial of it or a sharp syringe to take home that when she starts yapping too much because she is hyper fixated on this ham, I can just fucking shove it into her shoulder and take her down for a couple hours. Like, give my sister and I three hours of peace. That's all we need. That's all we need. And I say that in jest, because the one day that Robin isn't around to fucking drive my ass up a wall, I will be so deeply depressed. And no child or pet or lover I could ever have will ever replace the amount of joy that Robin brings to my life. I'm sorry, okay? I said it out loud. This is a new sweater I got in Japan. And if you're wondering, do they make clothes for our size, they don't. But I found a Scandinavian brand which. What is the name of this brand? Hold on. It's Nago. Nagonostens. I don't know. You guys are asking me to speak Dutch. I don't. Or Finnish or Norwegian or whatever the fuck they speak. I will link this all on Instagram. But I did find this one sweater, so I. I bought that. But anyways, so we're talking to the doctor, and he is just cracking up because Robin's on one and she's waving her sling around, and he said, robin, I don't know how to tell you this. You have to keep it. If you keep. If you rest this weekend and leave your arm perfectly still, we're going to Reexamine it at the top of next week. And if it hasn't moved even a centimeter, then I think we can get away with some pe. I think it will put you in a cast, and it will reset itself. He's like, but you have to be very careful. Robin's flipping her cape around, and she keeps saying this. And this is something that my mom has always said. What's the bottom line? What's the bottom line? All right here. What's the bottom line? And as somebody who takes after their mother in certain ways, I know what she means when she says, what's the bottom line? Now you're probably thinking Heather. Well, it's very obvious what she means. No, no, no, no. There's a subtext of that text when you have crippling ADHD like Robin McMahon, okay? And you, one minute are driving down the road, headed to Trader Joe's to go buy some other fabulous side dishes to add to your Christmas ham for your daughter, and then you see a pretty bird flying across the street, and you're like, oh, pretty bird. And you just run your car into a cherry blossom tree. That's what it's like to be in Robin's brain, okay? And my husband says that quite often. He says, pretty bird. Like. He's like, okay, click in. I need you to click in, Heather. So when she says, what's the bottom line? It means that she has not been paying attention to anything that this medical professional has been providing her with for the last eight and a half minutes that his mouth has been moving. When she says, what's the bottom line? It's her ADD Brain. Brain's way of saying, just tell me what I need, because I haven't been paying attention or I'm overwhelmed with this information. So just tell me what time surgery is. That is what she means. What's the bottom line? Means she was looking at the artwork behind the doctor's head in this room and didn't. And was thinking to herself, this is terrible. He should buy my artwork for this. This office. I mean, this is terrible. I know that that's what she was thinking. Cause I could see that even when I'm one Motrin. Like, the lights were on, but nobody was home. And I think we've been in that for a while now. And it's not old age. It's not dementia. It's just Robin completely being consciously unconscious. Okay? And I would love to be on her level. I tell her that all the time. I said, robin, I would love to float and Move through time and space the way you do, where things are taken care of and you just scream into the void every maybe 20 days. But other than that, you're, like, cruising with gas and just farting all over this house. Like, I would love to live that life. Your only responsibility is to meet your girls at the country club, which is 30ft away from our home, to do what you want to do, which is gossip and bitch about everybody. Like, I would love to be on that orbiting whatever sun or earth that is. So bottom line is to say all of that. Robyn's gonna be okay. She's definitely pitiful, and she got stuck in her Snuggie last night. And I want you to know, for everybody who reached out, I'm so grateful and you guys are so kind. But seeing in my mom in a vulnerable state was honestly, it was heart wrenching but also fucking hysterical. We get home from the doctor's office, and she immediately walks to the fridge. I think she's gonna get an iced tea or something to, you know, take her through third modrin of the day. And she's like, well, so what's. What's the bottom line, Heather? What am I doing with this Christmas ham? And I said, we're throwing the fucking ham away. I'm not cooking it. You're not cooking it. You gotta let the ham go. And she just closes the fridge, goes, all right, fine, no ham. So I am a hamless person right now. And that was a journey. That was a journey, to say the least. I can't believe this has been 27 minutes of me explaining Robin's injury in the ham. But I'll tell you what, Robyn is never a dull moment. So she probably is gonna have to have surgery next week. And I just asked that if, you know, you guys will pray for her, because she is the only parent I have left, and I am a little. I'm. I'm obviously very worried. She's just an angel baby. And so, of course, now I've gone into full mom mode. Psychopath. I'm shoving collagen in her coffee. I'm like, we gotta get the bone density up. We gotta get the protein. I'm about to start. She's gonna be on creatine, bovine colostrum, elk nuggets. She doesn't realize it. This bitch can no longer live off a bowl of pasta, a coffee, and a cookie. She's gonna have to start eating the meats. And she was hungry yesterday. It was funny. I took her to dinner. She's like, I Want ribs? So we go to this place by her house. It's got good ribs, and she's chowing down, she's having a glass of wine. I'm like, I'm not even. At this point, I'm not even gonna look. And like, are you allowed to have alcohol on the Percocettes? Cause she. I didn't take it. I took one in the hospital. I have not taken any other drugs. I took two Motrin. Your sister tried to get me to take three. And I'm like, mom, when. When people are in pain, like, when I had my surgery or if I've had the flu, I can take like three or four Tylenol in a sitting. It's like, well, you weigh a hundred pounds more than me. I'm light. I'm light. I'm like, you're about to be lights out because I'm going to knock your teeth out. Robin, you're driving me nuts. But I genuinely want to say thank you to everybody who is so kind and so sweet, but Robin is. She's our patient right now. Will I be able to hold her down this weekend just to stay, remain calm, not do anything, sit and watch her shattered iPad? I don't know. I'm going to do the best I can. But if something goes awry between now and the top of next week and she has to have surgery, that's on her. I want you to know that I have actively tucked her into bed the last two nights, and she is. She's raging against the machine. She is probably one of the most difficult patients I've ever had. But I love her dearly and I'm glad that my sister was there to be there with her. And thank God, all that to be said. What a swift kick in the dick. Back to reality. I mean, nothing says have an absolute panic attack on a 13 hour flight than knowing that your mother's in the hospital and not fully understanding the severity of things, because as soon as you take off, you have no wi fi. And I want y' all to know I had the best fucking time in Japan. And I had told my therapist before I left, I was like, you know something? I know I will be punished for doing something nice for myself and going on a trip. Like, that's just how life goes. It seems so. And I got on the plane, I was feeling good. I was like, man, we had such a successful trip. Jeff and I had such a wonderful time together. Just truly, truly one of the best trips ever. And then as soon as we were about to take off, I get a ping. Robin Scarlett took a tumble. So, anyways, working through those feelings of disappointment, it's 2026, and if you're still paying rent without Built, it's time for a change. Built is a loyalty program for renters that rewards you for your biggest monthly expense, which is rent. With Built, every rent payment earns you points that you can use toward flights, hotels, Lyft rides, Amazon.com purchases, and so much more. And there's something for everybody. Okay, and here's something I'm very excited about. Now Built members can earn points on mortg payments for the first time. That means you can get rewarded wherever you live and unlock exclusive benefits from more than 45,000 restaurants, fitness studios, pharmacies, and other neighborhood partners. Personally, I'd redeem my points for, honestly, so many restaurants. It's unbelievable. And obviously, fitness studios. The next thing you know, Pilates has gotten expensive. That's what I would use those points for. And of course, flights and hotels and all that jazz. And it's simple. Paying rent is better with Built. And now owning a home can even be better with built, too. You earn rewards and get something back wherever you live. Join the loyalty program for renters@joinbuilt.com Absolutely. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T.com Absolutely. Make sure to use our URL so they know that we sent you. Again, that's join built.com Absolutely. Let me spell it out. J-O-I-N B I L T.com Absolutely. And join their loyalty program for renters@joinbuild.com Absolutely. I will be moving soon, and you bet your ass I am ordering myself a fresh set of caraway home cooking products for my house. Why do I love it? Well, I love the materials they use and the transparency that they have. Okay. More people are starting to pay attention to whether their home products like what they're made with, if they're toxic or not. And what you have as your cookware can gravely determine whether or not you're eating healthy. Okay. Did you know that so much cookware is made with PFAs, PTFEs, and PFOAs? Those are forever chemicals that will end up in your kitchen and in your body and in your food forever. This is why I love caraway home. Okay? They have incredible butcher blocks made of thick, premium wooden surfaces crafted with walnut maple wood. They have glass lids made with premium timber glass for clean cooking with the view. And I love all their bakeware. They have an expanded collection crafted with their signature non toxic, non ceramic coating. These specialty shapes deliver easy food release, quick cleanup and flawless results. And I just freaking love them. Caraway's cookware set is a favor for a reason, and it can save you up to $230 versus buying the items individually. Plus, if you visit CarawayHome.com not10, you can take an additional 10% off your next purchase. That is a deal that is exclusive for our listeners. So visit carawayhome.com not10 or or use code not10 at checkout. Caraway non toxic kitchenware made modern. But anywho, let's talk about Japan. Wow. What a wonderful trip. I think. What would I think to get into the nitty gritty of, of planning your trip to Japan, if you want to go, is that we'll. We'll do what we did for Italy, where I'll release like, a travel, a travel episode where I just run through, like, every restaurant, all the shopping, all the things to do. Like, I'll give you a full itinerary on a bonus episode. If that's something that y' all would be interested in, please DM me and let me know. But just getting into the meat of the trip, dude, Japan is fucking incredible. And I saw something online. Somebody said, why are there all these, like, influencers? Why is everybody going to Japan? Well, I think just Japan got popular. There's all these incredible direct flights there. I had planned this trip, I told Jeff about a year ago, hey, I really want to, for my 39th birthday, to go to Japan. I love Asia. I've been to Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand, Asia. Asia is just a very cool place. But I had never done Japan. And I heard it's just this insane, utopic society where it's clean and the air is fresh and the water's delicious, and society just kind of works in a beautiful, beautiful way. So I obviously knew the shopping was great and the food was amazing, so I wanted to go. Anyways, we just happened to be there, and I was like, oh, perfect. It's my birthday and it's about to be cherry blossom season. We did not see the cherry blossom. And the irony of all of this is cherry blossom seasons from, like, I don't know, second week of March to, like, the end of April, they can bloom anytime. And they only last for, I think, a couple days or like a week, they bloom and then they. They go away. As we were pulling out of my neighborhood to leave for my shows in Texas that were two days prior to me Flying out to Japan, we had two giant cherry blossom trees that kind of bookend the neighborhood. And my mom's like, look at the cherry blossoms. Oh, oh, I guess you don't need to go all the way to Japan for it. And I'm like, mom, I want to see them in Japan. You know, I love cherry blossoms. Like, this is going to be such a cool experience. We get there, it is so fucking cold. They're like, oh, these guys aren't coming out for a couple of weeks. So the irony of the cherry blossoms thriving outside of my neighborhood in Atlanta, Georgia, but not. Not even coming to a head in Japan. Trust and believe. I gotta giggle about these things, but we get there, it's pretty cold. It's pretty gnarly. I'm like, all right, the weather is not in our favor, but we packed accordingly, and we just hit the ground running. I mean, dude, I'm not even kidding you. The stuff you see online, like, oh, Japan's clean. Oh, everyone's nice. Oh, the food's great. It's inexpensive. It's this. It's that. You're like, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, okay, look. Look me dead in the eyes right now on this camera when I tell you there is not a fucking crumb, a cigarette butt, a vermin, a rat, a mouse, a bug. Didn't see one anywhere. And whether you're in Tokyo or some of these smaller cities, like, we went down to Kyoto, everything is down a cool alley. Like, you. You get lost trying to find half these restaurants. You go down a tiny little dark alley and you're in. In America, you'd be like, this is scary. I'm not going down an alley. In Japan, you are down the darkest alley, and it is immaculate. There. Not a fucking tumbleweed. There's not a loose strand of hair. No one has lost a fucking eyelash on the road. It is that clean. And it is just so peaceful. Now, obviously, there's dark sides to Japan. Not. They're gonna. You know, I'm sure people deal with depression or they feel there's. There's gotta be a dark side to everything. But I will say, when it just comes to the cleanliness of a country, I was shocked the way the trains ran on time. The train stations were immaculate. You would go to these little stands, get a fresh bento box full of, like, short ribs and rice and pickled vegetables, and you get on the train. That comes immediately when it says it's gonna come. You've got 30 seconds to get locked into the most comfortable seat that you could ever sit in. And that train just. It's just a whisper, a blink of an eye. And the next thing you know, you're headed on a high speed train passing Mount Fuji, headed to Kyoto. Could not believe how civilized it was. And Jeff and I were laughing about it. We're like, what a juxtaposition to when we're in Europe. And obviously, you know, we love Italy, okay, we thrive in Italy. That's. That's my place. But we were laughing. We're like the trains in Italy. You got gypsies coming up, trying to rifle through your bags. You're clutching your book bag, wearing it on backwards. You got Italians all screaming at each other. People are smoking cigarettes. Not in Japan now, it is a big smoking community. But they. You don't eat and walk. You eat and stay exactly where you are. There are no trash cans anywhere in Japan. And the reason there are no trash cans is because wherever you pick up your food, like, if you get your food to go, you go somewhere and you sit down in a park or at your home and you eat it and you dispose of it there. But there is no, like, I'm eating a sandwich while walking. You stay at the stand or the store where you ordered the food. You eat it and then you dispose of it it there. That's it. That's how you do it. It's just everybody in society said, roger that. We agree. So that's why there's no crumbies. There's nothing. There's not a loose piece of lettuce anywhere in this country. And obviously this would never work in America. But there are parts of other societies where you think if we all just collectively as a community decided we want to pick up our space and want to take care of our space, I think we can mentally would all feel better. We would all feel like we're in this together. Okay? I'm not talking about communism over here talking crazy. I'm talking about collectively, like, let's just clean up our space. How about everybody just cleans up their yard? Like the one time I want to advocate for a country's HoA after going to Japan, I'm like, whatever their collective nationwide HOA is, we need to implement here, here. Okay? We do. Now somebody's probably going, wait, ding, ding, ding. Let's go back to how they're saying the word gypsy at the Italy train station. That's not politically correct. Let me tell you something right now, okay? I've watched every Irish gypsy, or they call them travelers, all those shows That's a different breed. What I'm talking about is the woman who's got the 10 kids who comes and robs you blind at the Rome train station. And if you've never been held, your arms held back while two little kids come and try and rifle through your shit, you've never been attacked. It's a different situation. It's a completely different situation. That happened to us. Oh, yeah, that happened to one of the moms. When we went on our high school trip, we went to Rome, and one of the moms got held back
- [43:12]
C
while
- [43:12]
A
the kids came and robbed her blind. So I want you to know I've seen it with my own eyes. I don't want to hear it. It's different. Everybody who goes to Italy knows that. If you're standing at the Trevi Fountain and you see a woman who seems a little sus. Attentione. Attentione. Pick a pocket. Pick a pocket. If you don't know what I'm screaming, my favorite thing to do is to watch this guy on It's a woman in Italy, and then there's a guy in the UK who does it right now. They go to, like, outside Buckingham palace or outside the Venice train station or the Milan train station, and they follow these very obvious people who are pickpocketing. I don't like petty theft. If you're gonna do it, do it right. Do a. A Louvre museum heist, okay? Don't fucking. Just take the family who's worked very hard to take their kids on a vacation to see Buckingham Palace. They're trying to learn something over here, and you're stealing the dad's fucking amex. Come on. Come on. But I'm obsessed with this woman who goes around Italy when she sees somebody committing a pickpocket crime. She screams, a pick a pocket. A pick a pocket. Gypsy pocket. Attention. And she catches them on camera. They immediately try and, like, run and hide, and she will grab a by the ponytail. And I'm not saying that you should do woman on woman crime, but if I saw a robbing another blind, you don't think I grab him by the ponytail and say, what's up? What's up? Speaking of which, wow, the ADD is really kicking in today. I don't know if y' all have seen that video online, and I don't want to misquote the city. It's either maybe Detroit or Baltimore. This woman notices a guy is breaking into her car, like, pulling out, I believe, her book bag from her car. She fucking clotheslines this motherfucker they have it on tape. It's the greatest thing I've ever seen. The amount of y' all that message me and said, is this you? This is something you would do? I agree with you. I'm not going to disagree. If I saw somebody, somebody that I think I could physically take robbing me blind, I would knock them out. I have been waiting. There's a small, a quiet like roar that's been brewing and building inside of my loins. I'm. I physically want to fight someone and the opportunity has not shown itself yet. But turns out this woman plays on a women's football team that is like full body tackle women's football team. So she's like, yeah, I do this every day. But that would be me outside the Rome train station. All that to say, wow, really took us on a journey there. All that to say, you could leave your cell phone on top of a vending machine in Tokyo and have your purse out and your passport on the floor and everyone would just come help you put your things back together. I at no point felt unsafe. And I think that is the biggest thing. And again, there's probably dangerous sides. We were obviously. But we were in very, very crowded, touristy places. And that was the one thing Jeff turned to me because I feel like you could walk around this entire city at night by yourself and you would be safe. Like, it was such a weird feeling. Now obviously somebody's gonna go, well, that's ignorant. There are dark sides, of course, but for the majority of it. And I asked hotel and they're like, yeah, it's super safe. It just felt like everybody was kind of in it together. I don't know how to describe that. It just felt very safe. There were y' all the public restrooms that were everywhere. I was at the fish market, okay, this is just an open air fish market with tons of stalls where you line up at 8am to get the most delicious sushi, the most delicious cuts of tuna I have ever had in my life. Well, what do you know when you eat tuna at 8 o' clock in the morning and you've just had a cappuccino? Sometimes things may start to rumble. So I panic. I'm like, Jeff, the hotel's 15 minutes away. He goes, heather, there's gorgeous public restrooms everywhere. At the fucking fish market. They have the toto toilets. You walk in, it is the most immaculate public bathroom you have ever seen in your life. You sit down on a heated toilet seat. They have a button that you can push that it's it just says flushing noise. There's a flush and there's a flushing noise. You hit the flushing noise, so it makes a lot of noise. And that's just if you're about to blow up the bathroom and you want a little privacy at the fish market. So I'm hitting the flushing noise. It's not flushing. It's just making a loud, like, motor noise so that you can have a little privacy. Then I got the bidet, the warm seat. I got the dryer on the ass. So I'm leaving this bathroom cleaner than I came in here with. And I had showered 20 minutes prior. And it was a very cold morning at the fish market, and my tush was toasted. I mean, idyllic. Idyllic if you're on the train. I think they even had the toto toilets everywhere. Had a Japanese bidet, high end. Very extremely advanced, technologically sound and savvied toilet. You could be at the bus station. You're gonna have a warm ass. That's where you just sit back and you go, wow. Wow, this is nice. What is the tax rate here? 70%. Take all my monies. I would pay a higher tax in a higher tax bracket simply to have a warm asshole. Everywhere I went, I would healthcare and a warm asshole. Maybe we'd all get along. I mean, truly. But the food was incredible. Now, obviously, Tokyo to live is a very expensive city, but we found that dining out in some of the best restaurants. We did an omakaze in Kyoto at this place called Badu. B A D U. Unbelievable. We did an omakase. It was not a sushi omakase where they. It was just like a regular mikase at this incredible restaurant. The most insane place I've ever been. Only had, like, 15 tables. No, not 15 tables. I'm sorry. 15 bodies were allowed in this place. And Jeff and I were sitting at the chef's table. It was $100 per person for Jeff and I to do an omakase. Do you know what? It's what it costs at most Michelin restaurants. You're looking at close to 600 to $1,000, Jeff. I cried. I was eating this cabbage dish. It was the most delicious thing I've ever put on my tongue. And I'm like, this meal's gonna be crazy expensive. Jeff's like, it's $100 a person. And that's when we balled out. Our last day before we got on our flight, which, in hindsight, was a little bit of a mistake. We did a wagyu the Wagyu omakaze experience, where Jeff got no 600 grams of Wagyu that we grilled over a live fire was, I think, the whole meal, including drinks. The wagyu, everything was maybe $100. I mean, insane. The best fried pork over cabbage with a yuzu lemon vinegarette that I've ever had in my life was $8. Beers are a quarter. I mean, sake was fresh. It truly, truly. I don't mean to sound dramatic when I say this, but leaving Japan, it changed me. Something inside of me, it changed me. I got home, I was like, no shoes in the house. You're all filthy animals. Clean this shit up. Get this shit going. We gotta figure our lives out. Like, we gotta be better people. We gotta be better. Meanwhile, Robin's just yelled Christmas ham. I mean, it was truly a remarkable society. So I will do a sidebar episode this week where I break down everything we did. Get into the shopping, get into all the nitty gritty, what to do, what not to do, what we learned. But I'm telling you what, as an overall theme that I want you to take away from, if you're considering whether or not to go to Japan or not go, it will change your life. The people are warm. They're friendly. The food is incredible. The accommodations are great. The shopping is next level. And I didn't see a cherry blossom, but bitch, I had a good time. I was exploring. My friend Tori came to meet us for a couple days. She's in grad school at Columbia, and she was on her spring break. She was my first agent at uta, and she left to go to grad school. I said, I get it. I pushed to do a career change. I get it. But, no, she's great. She came and met us for a couple days on a quick stop for her to go to Korea. So we had a great time. It was such a wonderful trip. And Jeff and I desperately need these trips to get away and just kind of reconnect and have our own little moment. And we are partners. I hate saying that. Partners in crime. That when it comes to shopping, I'll tell you what that man knows. He knows when to let me loose. He said, baby, you hit that Ginza shopping mall, and I'll see in a couple hours. I said, aye, aye, captain. All right, we're 47 minutes in. I know you guys want to get to some voicemails, so let's get into the voicemails. Love to hear what you guys have been up to, because I could talk about my Bullshit all day. Let's get in the voicemails.
- [52:32]
C
Heather, this is Alexis from Michigan, and I'm in my car jiggling and giggling to your replay episode. And I can't help but be so tickled that my best friend and I are coming to your show next weekend in Royal Oak. I can't wait. Highly pregnant, and I'm just very excited for a girls night out. That's number one. Number two, I know you're a Delta girlie. I'm in Delta girly as well. And I'm very excited for you to visit the Detroit Delta hub and check out the Sky Lounge. We've got a nice one. Check it out. It's a beautiful terminal. The McNamara terminal. Enjoy yourself. I'll call you back after the show. Love and light. Safe travel.
- [53:22]
A
Alexis. Thank you so much. You know, I have so much to look forward to. Even though I was anxious flying home, having to consciously tap back in, if you will. Being worried about my mom being able to get back on the road and giggle with y' all is the greatest joy of my life. And I will say it was nice to not watch the news for nine days, and I hate to marinate on that, but truly, I did, like, ignorantly, I did just say I'm not gonna get on Instagram or TikTok, except to, like, post the bullshit about my trip. I'm. I'm gonna tune out. I'm gonna tune out for nine days. Cause I need a reset for my soul, which I know is a privileged thing to do, but tapping back into the real world, turning on the news, dealing with Robin, checking back in. Fuck. I. I realized my license expired yesterday. I was on the phone with the fucking DMV trying to get a new license. Like, shit like that. You. It's a. It's a Swift. Like I said, a swift kick in the dick. Back to reality. But it's people like you, Alexis, and knowing that I'm going to the Royal Oak, I think the music hall, Royal Oak Theater in Michigan, and seeing you guys, and I just. Nothing makes me more excited. I'm hitting Detroit. I'm hitting Red Bank, New Jersey. I've got the Nashville Comedy Festival. We're playing the Ryman. You better get your tick shooting the special. I've got the Netflix's joke show, which is going to be a total surprise. I'm dressing up for that one. That's going to be a totally different show. Where else am I playing? I've got Philly, Boston, a lot more cities. And. And this will be the last time I'm doing this material, we're going to shoot the special, and then you'll never see this again. So I really, really, really want you guys to come out, and I'm so grateful for those of y' all who are coming out, because it means the world to me, like, for us to be able to get together and giggle for a night, it truly just means the world. I love that you're pregn. Alexis. Congratulation. You know, I'm there if you at any point are ready to birth your baby. I've said this many times. I'm ready to tap in. And I don't know if you know this, but, you know, I. I've been holding a country ham for the last 24 hours. I. We. I have been feeling the ham. It's been in our fridge. I've taken out of the fridge, it's been sitting on the counter to defrost. Then I put it back in the fridge. So I am one with that shape and that size of a human. So if you are ready to push out your country ham, I will glove up and roll up my sleeves and get ready to do it. Because I would truly, genuinely love, love, love to deliver your baby. And I love going to other cities that are Delta hubs. I mean, I don't even say this jokingly, but I think that every couple years I move to a new Delta hub. I go New York, Louisiana, Atlanta. That's my little triangle that I do, you know? So where else should I. Should I look into investing into real estate? Maybe Salt Lake City, maybe a Detroit. Where else is a great Delta? Minneapolis. All great Delta hubs. That's where I thrive. That's where I feel alive. So if you're willing to have me, I'm willing to look into real estate there for sure. But I love a night you're pregnant, you want to get out, do something for yourself. And we will giggle until we cry. Because you have to realize that this is how I consciously unconscious myself. Because I know that as soon as I get off stage, I will be dealing with text messages, phone calls, emails, FaceTimes from my mom, demanding other things. While I'm not in the same state as her, she will be guilting me for something I will not be able to do enough. I will also, of course, genuinely be worried about her. So I need you guys to come lift me up. Even though I realize that I'm. I'm technically the one who's supposed to be doing you, lifting y' all up, I might need Y', all to lift my spirits because I'm getting kicked in the dick regardless. So thank you so much for coming and I can't wait to see you guys. And y', all, please, please, for the love of God, come out to these shows. I know we have low tickets in some cities, but please, this means the world to me. Like, we're. I want to finish off the tour strong and then we will shoot the special in Knoxville, and then I will be onto another project this summer. We're doing a lot of cooking. Okay. We're doing a lot of cooking. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [57:22]
C
Hi, Heather. I'm gonna stay anonymous for this one, but I'm calling from Houston, Texas. And you were. Anyway, so I'm going to try to keep this brief, but I was in a relationship. We were together for two years. It was great. And then come August, I found out I was pregnant, which is such a blessing. I'm having a little girl next month. Anywho, how he took it after two years of being together was to break up with me and cut off communication. Normal. And so I decided to pick up my life. I left LA. I'd been there for 10 years. I moved home to Houston so I could be with my family and friends and have all the support. And I just found out that he's having a quote unquote, dad focused baby shower. I've never heard of that. I don't really understand it. He's not been involved at all. So to find out he's having a baby shower was shocking to say the least. Mostly when I haven't heard from a single person in his family or any of his friends. So not sure who's doing this. Anyways, I give a dad focused shower to someone not involved and absolutely not. And I've been just dying to call in and talk about my situation with you. And after I heard this, I go, yeah, it's time anyway, so. Absolutely not to that. Absolutely yes to you. Always. Tiramisu, bitch. Love ya.
- [58:44]
A
Wait a minute, hold on. I need a. I need to touch the desk. I need to place my fingertips, lips onto the desk and really think about this. Did y' all just hear what I heard? Holy. Okay, caller, I understand your reason for staying anonymous, but we are going to jump right into this. First of all, I want you to know, congratulations. That is so exciting that you are going to be a mom. Congratulations. And I want you to know, I know, I'm sure it is very bittersweet, obviously, that you. You thought you were with this person who was going to be your life partner. You did normal life things together. You're having a baby and then he just fucking panics and can't handle it and breaks up with you. Fuck him, Fuck his mother. Fuck everybody in his family. Fuck them all, okay? He's a piece of shit, you know? And good for you for moving home and what bullshit, right, that the. That you have to give up your life in LA and she pick up your bags and uproot your life because you're with somebody who is emotionally avoidant and unavailable and immature. But you know what? You're going to be a better person for it. I hate to say it, but being close to your family and being back in Texas is a great idea, but let's break this down. He's having a dad shower. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I don't often feel that living well is your best revenge, but fuck this. You need to blow up his spot. You need to say who, huh? What? What, man. Now, first of all, though, I would contact an attorney, okay? Just. I'm bitching. I'm. I'm anxious for you. I'm revved up, you know, I want to fight somebody, but let's. Let's be smart about this one. I would contact an attorney and figure out what your rights are. You know what I mean? Like, obviously, you're the mother. He wants nothing to do with it. He broke up with you. He has had no contact. I would. Regardless, though, let's just go ahead and let's call an attorney. You know, let's be smart about it. And then I would blow up his spot, because that's insane. Now, I'm going to say something that is going to upset a lot of people, but here's my only question. If he is having somebody throw him a dad shower and he has had no contact with you, his family hasn't been in contact with you, and he has not even mentioned the baby. Oh, God. Could he be having a child with someone else Else, like another person? Is this a different baby? Are we sure that this is a dad shower for your child? Or is he that much of a piece of shit philanderer that he also had, like, a side piece? Oh, God. Okay, I'm sorry. See, my brain is swirling. I'm not making you feel better. I'm just so angry at this situation. I mean, what kind of narcissistic do you have to be to say, oh, you know what? I'm not going to be involved in my kid's Life. I'm not going to be involved with his mother. I'm going to break up our family unit because I can't emotionally handle this. But you know what I'm going to do is throw myself a little party because I'm a dad. You're not a father. You're not a dad to anybody if you're not in the picture. What the are we talking about here? You literally picked up and moved your life across the country so that you could have help raising your child because he was emotionally unavailable to do it, and now he wants to throw himself a dad shower. I am. Get. This is, like, insane. You do realize that that's the most insane thing I've ever heard in my life, right? That's crazy. Oh, hold on. Sorry. My mom's called me. Hold on, hold on, hold on. Hey, Mom, I'm in the studio. Are you okay? Yeah, I'm fine, but the doctor. The surgeon called me, and he said they're reserving a sp. I'm gonna see him on Monday. He said, but they're reserving a spot for the. On Thursday. Said the chances of having to operate on this is very high. Okay, I'll be there on. I'll be there on Thursday for your operation. Okay, I got to get back to the studio. Bye. Okay, sorry. Robin's having surgery Thursday. Okay. Things took a turn. All right, I'm sorry. Back in. Back in. All right, I'm in mom mode. I'm in mom mode. We're locking in. We're locking in. Wait a minute. That's like canceling your wedding and then having a bridal shower. Canceling your wedding but having a bachelor party, Right? Like, you don't get your cake and eat it, too, but none of this makes fucking sense. If he has not been in contact with you, has not been asking about the child and the family has not reached out, you need to let all of his friends know. You need to blow up the spot and say, this motherfucker has not called. He has not checked in. He does not care about his child. So I don't know who's throwing this party, but y' all need to know what's happening. Blow up his spot. Let him know. Hell, DM me. I'll get involved. I am physically angry. I have cold beets of sweat running down my back for how angry I am for you about the situation. I mean, what a fucking loser. A dad shower. Oh, my God. A dad shower. Well, you know what? In congratulations, because you did escape a narcissist. I've never once in my entire life heard of a man having a shower to be to begin with, much less a dad shower. Like this is insane. That is the most ridonkulous party I've ever heard of. A dad shower. You're not a dad. You're not a father, you're not a partner. You're none of these things. Oh, just cuz you jerked off in someone doesn't mean you get to show up and get a shower bruiser. Wow. Well, I want you to know I'm grateful that you shared this and want you to know that we have a whole community standing behind you. Will you please DM me when this comes out and let me know that that's you and just keep DMing me so I'll see it. Because I want to know in a way that we can support you. And also we got to get the tea. Like I. I need to know more information, but what a fucking loser. And you honestly, you won the lottery by escaping this motherfucker. So while this is a city shitty situation, and I'm sorry that you had to call in to the absolutely not line for your own problems, but I want you to know you dodged a bullet with that one. You really did. Wow. The audacity. Wow. Okay. All right. So much is going on. Wow. That's insane. All right, let's get to the next voice.
- [65:19]
C
Hey, Heather, this is Kayla from Denver. I have been a dedicated weekly listener for like two years now, and at the risk of sounding crazy or stupid or whatever, can you please tell us the story of Tiramisu Bitch? I could probably do the research and all of that, but I'm sure there's an amazing story that goes along with it. I feel just out of loop. Out of the loop enough. And I would love to know the origin story. Love you. Can't wait for you to come back to Denver and I hope you're having so much fun in Tokyo. Love and light.
- [66:00]
A
Love and light. Sister friend. Thank you so much for calling and I'm happy to share the origin of Tiramisu Bitch. Because, you know, we've had this podcast, I think for almost six years now, so trust and believe. There's a lot of inside jokes and I don't expect anybody to catch up that quickly. That's insane. So Tiramisu Bitch. Do I even remember the origin? Yeah, I think I do. It started as like a little inside conversation. Folks would come up to me, I'd see gals at the airport or when I'm traveling or whatever. And they'd be like, heather. And I kept saying, like, it was a weird. It's a weird thing that women do where we, like, squeal and scream. And it's just in our nature. Like, if I see my girlfriends, I'm like, you know, we just do that. So I was like, let's have a sly way of communicating with each other where we just know. Like, I know that you know that you listen to me, and I know that you know that I listen to your voice, and we're in this together, and we've just kind of built this community. So it was. It was also a way. When I went on my first tour, I had people come up and like, I, you know what? I'm your biggest fan. I'm your biggest fan, and I hate that shit. Like, I'm like, no, you just say, like, hey, I'm your biggest fan. I'm like, oh, my God, you're so sweet. That's so kind. Like, for anybody to say that I'm obviously, like, flattered and like, oh, my God, that's very kind. Thank you for tuning into my bullshit. And I'm like, oh, great. So have you ever called into the Hotline or, you know, whatever? And, like, what's that? And I'm like, you know the podcast? And they're like, I don't you have a podcast? And I'm like, you're not the biggest fan, or people who say, I listen to podcast, but I've never been to a show. And I'm like, okay, well, you're not a fan. Like, you gotta. You kind of gotta be all in. Are you in the Heather911 group? I don't think so. But it kind of became a sly way of us just to be like, I know you, you know me. We are in this. You see it, you've heard it, we've been it, been in it. And you know the inside jokes. I'm with you. So, Tamisu, I was trying to think of a, like, a phrase, a word, something that we could do to communicate. Kate. And tiramisu is my favorite dessert. And then I was just like, tiramisu, bitch. You know, what's up, girl? So that's how we started saying tiramisu, bitch. That is the story, the history behind it. And my favorite thing is when husbands will come up and they'll be like, hey, Caroline says, tiramisu, bitch. And I'm like, that's what's up, Randy. That's what's up. You're a Good man. Or when they listen, they're like, hey, girl, tiramisu bitch. It's just our inside conversation, our little inside joke. Now, I have also given out a PSA about this. I was in the Atlanta airport, going through the international terminal, going down the giant escalator, and these two girls one time screamed, tiramisu bitch. And I said, you can't scream that at the airport. Tiramisu bitch. Strung out sounds like terrorist bitch. Everybody hit the deck, were covering their heads. It just sounds like you're screaming terrorist. Something like it was an alarming thing to scream out at the airport report. So I always say we do it very sly. It's like T Masubich. Like, a very quick, what's up, girl? You know? I know. We know. You know, the voicemails last week. Crazy. That kind of thing. And that is how that started. It was just a wonderful way for us all to feel like we're. We're in this together. And I am so grateful to all of you who come out to shows, who listen to podcasts, who do all the things I think you know? And obviously, people have lives. Okay, Okay. I. I share my life with you. So obviously, all of this can revolve around me and my mom and her bad wrist and the country ham and all this shit and my trips and. And my life. Like, obviously, that is the entertainment I bring. But I will say, it is funny when I meet people and they're like, oh, my God, Heather, I love you, Vegas fan. I came to your show, and I'm like, oh, my God. Thank you for coming. Where'd you come? Like, I went to your show in Atlanta, and I'm like, oh, my God, the last one. They're like, no, I went back in, like, 2018. I had the best time of my life. It was so much fun. Like, bitch, it's 2026. You haven't been back. I'm so sorry. Like, I've gotten even so much. I really progressed as a performer, and, like, no, no, no. The show was so much fun. I had a great time. I laughed my ass off. I was like, but you haven't been, MacLeod. It's like, we know what. I went to a show, and I'm like, yeah, the shows change every year. Like, that's how comedy works. I'm not going. I haven't been doing the same material since 2018. I don't know what to tell you. So that's always a funny one. When they come up and they're like, I'm Your biggest fan. I went to one show once back in 2018. I've podcast and I don't know who anybody in your family is, nor your friends and I could care less. And I hope you die. You know, and they're like, who's Robin? I'm like, get out. Don't you dare fuck. Well, at this point, of course, everything overheated and the camera turned off. So I'm sorry if you're watching this on YouTube, it was a very abrupt ending and so that is going to become a nightmare to edit. But I want you guys to know that I love you dearly and I'm so grateful for you. And listen, we are truly in this together. To our dear caller who is is going to be single parenting it and also having to deal with somebody who apparently wants a dad shower. We will get into this. I would love to get some more information on the situation and just do all the people that I'm going to see on the road, I. I love you. We are in this together. We've got this. And thank you so much for being so kind and supportive while my mom is apparently going to have surgery next Thursday because she just called me. But. But, you know, we're all one big family and we're doing this together. And I want you to know that your shit is my shit. My shit is your shit. And if you guys are willing to go on this journey with me through life, I'm willing to hunker down and let's fucking deal with your shit too. So it's a beautiful thing. Thank you guys for letting me have a little vacation and some time off. And I'm sorry this episode is late, but obviously, you know, I got back and had to immediately roll up my sleeves and deal with Robin, but I'm grateful that, that, you know, she's going to be okay. Anywho, keep me in your thoughts and prayers. I'll keep you in mind and I love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the road next week and I will see you next episode. Ciao, bella. Arri. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe rate us and leave a review and as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon.
- [72:00]
B
See you guys soon. Plays out like a symphony.