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The following podcast is a Dear Media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? I'll tell you what, I'm great. I'm sitting up with good posture, with my legs cross, crisscross applesauce here at the new Dear Media studios in New York City. And I figured, you know what, I've been traipsing around the city in my Gucci loafers, and the best way to break in this studio is to literally put my Gucci's on the chair. You know, in the words of Rick James, you know, what did he say? Get your, get your shoes off my couch, bitch. Remember when Dave Chappelle would play Rick James? Tina's in the studio. She's sitting right next to me. Yeah. So that's where I'm, where I'm at. I'm putting my shoes on the Dear Media couches because somebody has to break in this gorgeous new New York studio. And this is exciting. This is thrilling to be here also. It feels great to be in New York. I'm here for work, we're running around, we're doing the most. And it's just that, that energy of the city, the energy of New York. But I will say I dec really had a lot of gumption this week. I decided to take a Solid Core Pilates class yesterday. I flew in Tuesday night. I decided, okay, great, you know what, I'm gonna, I'm gonna get up, you know, really get up and at it. And I take my buddy Rob's class. And everybody warned me, Raymond warned me, strangers on the street warned me. They're like, oh, are you walking into the solid core 1005 class like you're going to die? And as somebody who worked in fitness, has relatively a strong muscular system, I thought, I can handle this mega reformer class. I've done mega reformer before. I have never been so humbled. Life, if you ever get a chance to take Rob's class at Solid Core, don't do it. Like, if you're in shape, do it because he's fantastic and it was so much fun. But when I tell you There is a 65 year old petite Asian woman next to me just absolutely shredding on this mega reformer. And Rob keeps calling me out because he thinks it's funny. And at one point I just say, go Fuck yourself. Like I was dying. Truly humbled. But this is such a. A classic Heather move, right to all of a sudden, two weeks before I'm about to shoot my special. Be like, this is the time to get in shape. So that is what I'm doing right now. In the next two weeks, if you see me power walking with my weighted vest down the west side highway while I'm in New York running my hour at clubs until we shoot this special, just know I'm in panic mode. You know, there is never. It's never a lifestyle change. It's a three week absolute fucking panic. And then I got so stressed at dinner last night, we went to my favorite restaurant, Max's on 134 West Broadway. Shout out to the entire team there. That's like our second family here in New York. And I'm like, no, no, no, guys, I'm eating. Finn. I did Pilates today. I'm shooting. I can't be bloated or inflamed for the special. And then I just panicked. Had two glasses of white wine and rigatoni bolognese. So that is where I'm at. Am I well? I'm not well, bitch, but we're going to figure it out. And I'm sitting upright because the sides of my abs, my back, my pussy and my crack is so sore that if I lean back, everything will seize up. And. And I don't know if. When was the last time you had a Charlie horse where body convulses and cramps up into like a. A locked thumb? That's what my entire torso is doing right now. So I'm not well. But in the. You know, I gotta look up because now that's gonna piss me off about Rick James. He's like, get your cow. Get your shoes off my couch. Rick James Chappelle show couch. Yep. Your couch. That's what he would say. Yeah. Yep. It's Charlie Murphy. Yep. So he had dirty cowboy boots. We can clip this brand new couch. They were sway, right? And he gets on the couch and says, why don't I stretch out? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay. Well, we'll pause that. He was just like, y' all couch. So that is me right now at Dear Media. Yo, couch. Okay. These are brand new. I'm not actually gonna. This couch because I'm so. Hon that we have a new studio in New York, but this is me gently rubbing my Gucci's across this chair. Fuck y' all couch. Dear Media. I told them, I said, you can't have the Boucle. Boucle's out, guys. And if I know one thing about design, Boucle was cute, it was fun. But we have these Boucle chairs at the Dear Media studios in la. And when I tell you, they are encrusted with spray tan and stained with coffee and raw denim and animal hide like it's a whole thing. Everybody who has sat on that couch has done something to it. And I said, I will come to the New York offices as long as we don't have boo clay couches. Now, I am hoping that this is a performance fabric. Linen looks like a nice CB2 moment. So in the meantime, fuck yo couch. Okay, what is happening? So we're in New York right now. I'm doing odds and ends. I'm sh. I just shot something for Hulu. But we are coming on the tail end of the Netflix is a joke festival. And I have so much to catch you guys up on. On. On how that went. Incredibly successful festival. And that's all to you guys. I just want to say thank you so much to everybody who came out to the show at the Aval. And I know I have a lot of explaining to do. I originally wanted to do a full character showcase. I'm like, I've already done my hour at the Orpheum in November, so you know what I'm gonna do? I am going to write a whole new show and do a full show as Pitbull. Well, I was sitting backstage at my Pittsburgh show, and I'm writing the show, this new show, and I'm going through it and I start to realize the logistics of how I'm gonna pull this off. And I had. I slowly started to get a little overwhelmed. Cause you know me, guys, I'm a theater kid. I want a fantastic front to back, bookended with emotions, humor, feelings. I want the music perfect, I want cues, I want pyrotechnics. I'm always going to give you a full, well rounded show. I don't half ass my job. All right? I hate to tell you this, but your girl, I may fuck this couch, but I ain't half ass in the comedy scene. So I'm sitting backstage and Tina, in a very motherly way we've been friends for 20 years, grabs me by the shoulders as I'm. I can start to feel this, like, warm heat rise up my chest. And I'm, of course, not nervous about my Pittsburgh show. I'm so excited to get out on stage, but I was completely overwhelmed in the things that I was attempting to do in the next three days before this. Netflix is a joke fest. And she gently puts her hands on my shoulders and she's like, I love you. This is not business me speaking right now. This is friend speaking. You're going to have a heart attack. What the fuck are you doing? And I was like, you know that scene from say by the Bell where Jesse Spann is like, I'm so excited. I'm so. I'm so scared. I had a full meltdown. Andrew witnessed me cry, okay? I was mortified that I cried in front of Andrew Collin, that idiot. Okay? This is a man that when I take a gummy at night, I send him 45 Instagram real DMs. And he wakes up the next morning and his wife Brenna's like, can you quit sending my husband stupid videos of horses farting? I'm like, sorry, Brenna, that's a non negotiable O. And I'm crying and Andrew's like, it's okay. Tina's like, it's okay. Raymond pops his head around and he's like, are you good? I was like, I just. I want to give a good show. Andrew looks at me with Tina having one hand on my shoulder and they're both like, hey, you are about to invest hundreds of thousands of dollars to produce your own special and shoot this hour. There are going to be talent agents. Well, I mean, I have agents, but like casting agents, directors, people who are in this. They've come directly to Los Angeles to watch you do Your were unable to go to the show at the Orpheum. You are a fucking fool if you think that you should go run a show you've never ran before. This is not performance art fun. Let's try something new time. This is. You want to get your next series picked up. All of the casting agents are coming to your show at the Avalon. You need to run your hour. And if you don't run your hour as many times as you can, even though you just did a hundred theater, you know, 100 cities theater tour or whatever, you're a fool. Like, let's think smart about this backstage. And my pink glitter just like. You guys are right. You're right. So if you were coming to the show in LA and it was an intimate menu, I think it was only held like 300. I appreciate you letting me run my hour and tweak some stuff. And I really, really, really am grateful that y' all let me do it. And I promise you we are going to do the Pitbull show all out. And when I say I got out on that stage and the first thought I thought to myself was, thank God we did not try and do a character showcase in this space, unfortunately. And the people at the venue were lovely. And that's no hate, no shade to the Avalon. But it was not ideal conditions for. For a show. We did it. But the ceilings, because it's a nightclub. Like guys I used to do, you know, I used to do dogs at the avalon back in 2015 when I lived there. We would go there and blackout in a. In a tight dress from BB baby, and we would drink vodka Red Bulls till the cows came home. Like, backstage in my pseudo green room, they're like, hey, we got you a bottle of Grey Goose. Do you want to. They were bringing mixers like an orange juice, a pineapple, some sugar free Red Bulls, and a cranberry. And I'm like, no, I'm good. I've. It's 7:00pm I'm gonna do a show for a bunch of casting age. Like, what are we doing here? So it was not the ideal venue for that show. Like, it just wasn't a great comedy room. But y' all were fantastic. So everybody who came out to support you have no idea how much it meant to me. And like, there. Cause it wasn't a regular theater or club there. There was a balcony, but it's literally where the DJ booth usually is. So I could see people up in the balcony who were behind the DJ booth, which was now the sound booth for the entire quote unquote theater. And I was just cracking up. I'm like, I could see one woman in the very, very far back in a cheetah print sweater. And I'm like, ma', am, I see you. Thank you for being here. I know we're off Hollywood Boulevard, you know, and that's kind of the name of the game. Like you. You don't really get to pick where you're performing during Netflix as a joke. And I obviously grateful to be there, but it was one of those where you walk out and I immediately was like, thank God we did not try and do a. A show here in this space. It just would not have read well. So anyways, all that being said, we crushed the hour best we could at the Avalon. And then I popped in and I was doing some other shows for some other people. But the way the festival kind of lines up, there's like a thousand shows every night all over the city. So you're popping in, you go to your show, then you Pop in and you do, like, 10 minutes, 15 minutes here at other people's shows, and you are working and twerking, and they have, like, this big green room kind of, like, party space at this hotel near the Comedy Store. And that's where all the Netflix talent was able to go and mix and mingle. And this is such an honor to be a part of this festival. And, you know, my. My first special was on Netflix, and it was so great to see so many of my buddies in comedy that we don't ever get to see each other. Cause we're always on the road. We're ships passing in the night. You know, I'm in Pittsburgh. Somebody's just played the theater before me. Like, we never, ever get to hang out because we're all on the road. That's just what we do. So it was a real wild week for everyone to have drinks every night and get together. And I want to give a big shout out to my touring comedy agent, Jackie Knobbi. This bitch lives in Nebraska, and she is a baddie. And she wore her Le Jacket to the after parties every night. And when I tell you, when I. When my feet were blistered and I had no voice and I had smoked too many menthols, I would say, you know what, guys? I just had dinner at Sunset Tower Bar. I'm gonna walk back to the one hotel like, I'm good. And then we would have to walk past the Netflix after party every night. It's midnight. It's like the last line. I'm like, I'm not going out. Okay, I'm done. I've seen everybody. I've played the game. And I see my agent walking in, and I said, if Jackie Knobbi, who lives in Nebraska, is at the after party, my ass can hang. Oh, Paige just came in with the greatest gift ever. You know what? This is even better service than the LA offices. Here we are getting. Getting ice lattes on camera. You have no idea. This is so necessary. Oh, my God. Thank you. This is what we needed. See, this is. I already like the service in New York better. Yep. Shitting on la. I'm kidding. We love la. We love you, Kevin. We love you, Josh. We love you, everybody. Oh, that's nice. Oh, well, you know, I love halloumi. Tina just said, we got coffees from my mom, and they have a great breakfast sandwich with halloumi. Not the halloumi. Can I tell you, halloumi is such a superior cheese. It's a grilling cheese. And if you've never Darkened the doors of a grilling cheese. They sometimes sell it at Trader Joe's. It's a gorgeous cheese. You slice it, put it on the griddle maybe 40 seconds each side, and it's like a rich, juicy, salty, but also light, delicious cheese. I highly recommend swapping out the American for the halloumi cheese on your bacon, egg and cheese in the morning. Really popular in the Middle Eastern culinary world. Yeah, Greek. Anything in the Middle East. Like, it's a. You're going for halloumi. So anyways, what was I talking about? Oh, yeah. So the after party. So I see everybody. My girl Rosebud. I see Fortune, Gabby, Ryan, Blair, Jay, Jordan. It was just. It was such a refreshing time for everybody also to kind of get together and be like, does this whole thing feel like a humiliation ritual? And I'm going to give you, like, the real tea because you're running around. There's 65,000 shows you're competing with every night. You're hawking tickets as if you know, this is your last chance to post only fans videos before Governor DeSantis takes it down. Like, that's. That's what we all felt. And all of us, of course, want to see each other's shows, but we're all on the same night. We're across town, somebody's doing a show downtown. The next person's got a show over in Venice. I'm on the Hollywood Boulevard. Everybody was everywhere. But it was just so wonderful to get together. If you don't know Vivrel yet, well, you're missing out. It is a members only club where you can experience designer bags, jewelry, watches, hell, even diamonds. And what's so cool about it is you order it online, it comes directly to your door, and their. Their closet to choose from is completely insane. I'm talking Chanel, Louis Vuitton, Prada, Dior, all the brands that you dream about. 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It's not even like, worth, like, digging. I have no idea what I have done to this person. To be, to be truly. Truly. Like, what would you even describe the interaction? Blase. Like, he brushes me off as if I could be standing. We are the only two people standing backstage. And he has literally said, I said hi to him. He's like, I'm going to go talk to somebody over there. That is exactly what this man has said to me at the last Netflix is a joke party. And then backstage at the Comedy Store, I just performed at a great set. I'm talking to Chelsea Handler backstage. He walks up and he's like, hey, Chelsea. Then he just goes, goes, hey, you. And I, it's really. I am baffled. I'm lost for words because I want to say something like, hey, are we good? What. What is your problem with me? But then it's also like, go yourself. I don't need to kiss your ass and try and play this game. You clearly, I think I remind you of like a girl you dated in college and you had bad beef with her. I've never said anything ill about this guy except, you know, I. I don't know what I've done to him. I don't know what's wrong. But man, a. A backstage Comedy Store snub is the wildest game of JV homecoming dance I have ever participated in. Truly. And Whitney Cummings told me a while ago at the first Netflix is a joke brunch when she saw this interaction go down, she's like, doesn't this feel like a high school dance? I'm like, yeah, but I was cool in high school. I was grinding with everybody through the windows to the walls to the sweat dropped down my balls. Your girl was on the dance floor. So I don't know why this one gentleman doesn't like me. It is what it is. But everybody else, really lovely. Like, there is no true beef in the comedy world because I just do my own thing. I stay in my lane. I don't give a fuck. Like, everybody is out here doing their thing, but yeah, it baffles me. And I had witnesses who were like, yeah, that was the oddest snub of all time. So what the fuck are you gonna do? It's also a lot of that bullshit. Par for the course. Fuck em. I don't know what else to do. Anymore. I'm not gonna kiss your ass. Like, absolutely not. I'm a people pleaser and I People please. When I originally sat down with this person and it didn't work anyway. So I'm not gonna kiss your ass. I know how you feel about me. Don't know why, but whatever you feel about me, it's a wrap. It's a wrap. And it sucks because I enjoy everybody in this person's atmosphere. But anywho, that's where we're at. So it was a lot of junior high bullshit. But other than that, it was incredible seeing everyone. And one of the. Also the other reasons why we didn't end up going through with Pitbull, particularly for this, this one show is the hours of actual glam that I would have to get into. So here's. Let me, Let me lower my voice and give you guys a real tea. So Ted, good old Theodore, who owns Netflix, has this insane brunch at a very exclusive property every year that the Netflix is a joke festival happens. And what I'm telling you, you are standing there next to Jerry Seinfeld, Dave Chappelle, Leanne Morgan, Wanda Sykes, Eddie Murphy, anybody and everybody who has ever touched the comedy space, people that I worshiped and adored in the comedy space, they are all together and you see all of your friends. I'm giving hugs to Andrew Zantino and Adam Ray and Hannah and Paige and all my people, like just loving on everybody. It's so good to see everyone. But. But Adam also had a night at the Comedy, had a show at the Comedy Store that night. We were both at 7 o' clock and he was doing one of his characters and I was using his makeup artist that we also used on the cruise to get me in Pitbull makeup. They're like, we need you to start getting ready for your show at 7pm at noon I'm like, I gotta go to Teddy's house. I said, I can't do this. We don't have time. I can't. I gotta be in full glam at Teddy's house, working the room. Cause mama's gotta show off her cha chas and her long legs and let everybody know, yeah, I may live in Atlanta, but I'm in this bitch. Fuck your couch. And so I'm realizing the timing of this too. And Tina's like, you can't do this. You can't be in glam and then rush back and then do a half ass bald cap for Pitbull. Like you are. You are a theater actress. If you're going to do it. You're going to go all out. So I also. And that lined up the same day, so I'm glad that we pivoted. But la, I'm gonna tell you this right now, I'm gonna book the most perfect venue and we're gonna come back probably in the fall, I think early fall, and we're gonna do a run of character shows and I will make the ticket. We are going to make it fun and I'm going to bring out all my favorite celebrity guests. Already had a great lineup set up for this Thursday, but. And then honestly, everybody started to kind of pull out of that. They're like, hey, we've got 16 other shows too, so we're going to make it really curated and make it an absolute fucking blast. So again, I appreciate Yalls patience on this, but I had to go to Teddy's house and it is the wildest being a fly on the wall with all of these other people in this space. Like the most famous people in comedy are all together. And even talking to your friends, everyone's kind of looking over their shoulder. I mean, that's such an LA thing to do, to have a full conversation. I could be telling someone in an intimate moment, hey, I've got three weeks to live, the cancer's taken over my body. And they're like, ooh, hey, I gotta go talk to Theo Vaughn over there. And you're like, okay. Glad I poured my heart out to you. So good to see you. I'm so glad you were in my wedding. Like, shit like that. And I mean, listen, that's the name of the game, you know, we all do it. But to be in that room with people who are so insanely successful and also see them kind of look over their shoulder like, hey, how's the shrimp cocktail? It is truly just. It humbles everybody and puts everyone on the same playing field where, like, it's still Hollywood. Everyone is panicked about their job and about their position and about their last gig. We're all panicked about the same things, no matter how much success you've had in this business. So it is truly a great equalizer being at these parties. Yeah, it was a mixture of, like, high highs and lows, of just. Just being exhausted and. And worn slick, but in a. In a great way. And again, I can't thank you guys enough for coming out to support, because that's the thing too. During these festivals, obviously you're doing the show for the people who want to come see you and support you. And I'm so grateful that you guys filled that house, the. The nightclub, if you will. But people, I don't think folks understand the amount of pressure on each performer, which you should always, no matter what show you're going into, just be like, fuck it. This is for the people on the first 10 roads that we're having a fucking blast and we're in the pocket and you're doing it for them. But tr. Truly what the unspoken feeling amongst every performer, no matter how successful at this comedy festival was, this is for all the big people, every person in the business, whether it's a ad buyer who works for, like, a brand that you want to work with, whether it's scripted, unscripted, your attorneys are coming to the shows to see who's going to sue you when you shoot your special. Like, everybody that is important in that. That even rotates around that planet is at these shows. So it's a lot of. Of professional pressure just to, like, look like you have your shit together. And on top of that, everybody is flying in from different parts of the country. Everybody's on the road, everyone's on tour. So everyone is one flare up of mono away from just completely hitting the deck. So, again, I just want to say I'm so grateful, and I don't want to be redundant, but I really am grateful for you guys for showing up and doing the damn thing, because I know I was fighting for my life. Anywho, enough of the tea, enough of the drama. It was a great week. And now we're in New York, so we're two weeks out from shooting the special. Hey, I just wanna say, too, if you live in Tennessee or if you live anywhere in the Southeast, fuck, if you live in New Jersey and wanna come down, this taping is gonna be so much fun. We're at the historic Bijou Theater in Knoxville, Tennessee. We're moving some cameras around, so we opened up some really great seats. And it's gonna be May 29th and 30th at the Bijou. You're gonna wanna be a part of this. And this is a great, intimate, gorgeous, historical theater. And Knoxville's such a great town. And I am so grateful to the University of Tennessee for hosting us. And just. I know they're gonn. Lane Kiffin, you heard it here first. A lot of folks like, why are you shooting your special in Tennessee? I said, I'll tell you why. Because when Lane Kiffin, our former Ole Miss coach, went to lsu, the amount of people that reach out to me that were Tennessee fans are like, this happened to us too, darling. Come get a hug in Knoxville. And I said, you know what? I want to give back to the people of Knoxville because we've all been cheated on by the same motherfucker. Fuck your couch, Lane. Your couch. If your hair is thinning, shedding, or you're having overall hair issues, then, honey, you need to order the Nutrafols. I love Nutrafol. Okay, one, I love it because it's a clinically tested formula and you can just have it on your bedside table. You take four pills a day and you will literally be like, oh, wow, wow. I feel like my hair is starting to come back. 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Use our exclusive link to save 20 off@honeylove.com Absolutely. That's honeylove.com Absolutely. After you check out, they're going to ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Experience the new standard in comfort and support with Honey love. Again, that's honeylove.com check out their bras, check out their shapewear, check everything out. I love Honeylove. They're the best. Honeylove.com Absolutely. Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years. Now with the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool, Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates Price and Coverage match limited by state law. All right, enough of my bullshit. But I wanted to kind of give you all the ins and outs and the tea of what happened at Netflix. Tina is going to pop up some voicemails and I want to hear what you guys have been up to. As always, you can call in 800-213-7503. Let's hit the absolutely not mine.
- [31:25]
B
Hey girly pop. This is Junie B. Jones calling from Alabama. I'm Just here to say I have an absolutely not. I just went into the Walmart to grab a couple things and I am about eight months pregnant. And I was like, let me find some. Let me find some draws. Let me find some underwear. This full booty, you know, no big deal. I need a couple more pair. Tell me why a six pack of underwear is 20 damn dollars. $20 for some regular fruit of the loom ass cotton. Breathe. It wasn't even seamless. It wasn't even that silkyish material. It wasn't even fancy panties. Like $20. If I'm paying $20 for some panties, first of all, I better get at least 10 pair. That is the craziest I've ever seen in my life. Or is everybody okay? The cost of living is through the damn moon. If you shit your pants in the parking lot and you had your last 20, guess what you spending it all on panties. That is just an absolute. That is a Hell no. That is an absolutely not for me. And don't even get me started on the price of pots and pans. Holy cow. I mean, thank God I have a job and my husband has a good paying job, but are you shitting me right now? Anyways, love and light, sister. I gotta go get my baby from daycare.
- [32:47]
A
Listen, I'm gonna tell y' all right now. I completely agree. I'm outraged. Absolutely not. The rent is too damn high. Now can I give you a quick tip and trick? Go down to the Costco's and buy them in bulk. They got a gorgeous Calvin Klein cotton underwear. And I don't know if y' all know this, but I've switched to the organic cottons to let the cooter breathe. And I. I just think it's important. I got fed so many Instagram ads about how apparently our vaginas are suffocating. They're getting choked out by that synthetic fabric. And I have switched to an organic. Look at my. Look how cheesy I look. That my feet don't touch the ground on this. This. Yeah. Okay, great. When I tell you that the pussy needs to breathe. Okay. I don't know what big pharma, big tech companies said, you know, how we're going to oppress women even more than we already are? Or putting polyester near the clitoris. It's not okay. Okay. It's not okay. You know what I love? A soothing linen near my labia. That's what I like. So if I can. If I can make one small suggestion. If there's one thing that you can do to tweak your lifestyle that will bring you more lightness, more clarity, more transparency in your day to day. It's to switch to an organic cotton pant. And I found this company. Now, they are expensive, okay? They are expensive. And I don't. I'm not getting paid by them. They are not sponsored. I've put my credit card in to the Apple pay to purchase them on Instagram. There is a company called, Swear to God, the name's horrible Lacuchie. Okay, L A C O O C H E. I have them on right now. Now what they specialize in is a wide gusset. And I don't know if you know, but I started doing some research on the fact that I'd put on my thongs, my synthetic thongs, and by 10:30 in the morning, that thong would roll up into the middle and would be choking me out in the back of my throat. And I just said, why? Why is this not covering the front? And it's because there, I don't know if it was a marketing ploy again, if it was big tech trying to put, you know, the patriarchy trying to fight with us, but that it's only about a quarter of an inch in the front on a pair of underwear, on a women's underwear. That's not enough. Vaginas come in all shapes and sizes. So I need a wide gusset because I've seen enough porn to know I don't have a long vagina. I have more of a boxier vagina. And that's my fun fact at a dinner party. So la coochie underwear, they're like 2 inches wide. So it doesn't matter if you're riding bareback on a polo horse, if you are being chased by the cops, or if you are shooting yourself to the moon. That thong is not going to roll up. Lips will be protected, all the vital organs will be protected. They're organic cotton and they're comfortable as hell. So shout out to la coochie. I mean, okay, dropping the accent. Kind of hate the name, but also not mad at it. Creative Tina approves, but the price of everything. I'm not an economist. I don't know what to tell you except I think I know why things are bad and I didn't vote for it. I don't know what to tell you there. Okay. Also, how about Trump the other day, being in an interview, being like, I don't think about in any American's financial situations. I only think about the war in Iran and we're like everybody in the world is like, enough. I don't even. I don't even ask questions anymore because it feels like we're living in a fever dream, but shut up. Enough. Open the Strait of Hormuz. Who are we fighting with? What are we fighting for? I'm so. I'm so exhausted by it. I'm so exhausted. I can't. I can't sit up right now because my deep abs hurt. Didn't even know I had them. Recently googled. I have a rib flare. I mean, I don't even. I don't even know what's happening. And all we're trying to do is afford cotton underwear. I get it. I love a trip to Walmart. But when, when, when the six pack is running you $20 and you know what's gonna happen with those underwear? They're gonna be shredded in about two and a half weeks. Good luck wearing that thong to Zumba. Good luck thing will probably snap in half. That's worse than getting hit by a resistance band. Like, you know, there. Have you ever had a thong snap in the middle of a workout class? You ain't lived. People don't understand how hard it is to be a woman. They don't understand that every day. It's not even about, like, maybe our voting rights will be taken away. You know, we don't have body autonomy. It's that every day we get up and fight for our lives. We can't even get underwear to have the gusset of the vagina part to be bigger than an inch and a half because some fucking man named Carl designed underwear to begin with. We wear bras that choke us the out and leave indentions on the back fat of our body. We are fighting for our lives. And then we got a parallel park. 2. Go yourself. Unbelievable. Come on. The rent's too damn high. Everything's too damn high. And listen, I know I'm sitting okay financially, but I also think, you know, there were plenty of times where I wasn't. And I'm also panicked. I'm, I'm, I am also panicked because, you know, I lived with my mom for five years so that we could save up to buy this house. We finally buy this house. Now I'm trying to furnish it, and it is, is, it's. We're, we're doing the long game. We may not have guest bedroom furniture for a couple years. I'm like, everybody, come visit for the summer. Come hang out. I'm like, you're going to be sleeping on a, a bean Bag. I think I. I think I DM Sleep sack. I was like, how many sleep sacks can I get through those, like, giant comfortable couches? They're like. It's like the cloud, but better. Yeah, I. I got my agents on it. Yeah. Oh, and Tina needs a mattress. Listen, we need furniture. If you are a furniture brand, please send us the things. I'll do nude photos on Ashay's lounge. I will not fuck yo couch. I'll fuck the couches here at Dear Media because they can afford it, but I'm not gonna fuck up the couch that. Yeah, if you send us a boucle couch to my new house, I'll put boucle in the whole fucking house. I don't care. I do not care. We need furniture. We need brand deals. The rent is too damn high. Everything's too expensive. I mean, shit, I'm supposed to. God, this sounds so fucking stun. But I'm going to France, and I was an idiot. I was like, oh, I'm gonna use a global upgrade because I have so many through Delta because I spend a million dollars a year on Delta. Okay? Corporate a paid for it. Your girl is. And then, you know, in order to use a global upgrade to get Delta one to fly abroad, you have to buy the tier down from it, which is premium select. Premium select is like six grand for a one way. I'm like, this is insane. Yeah, Tina just told me. See, this is why Tina does what she does, and this is why I do what I do. In order to get the best deal, you have to book round trip. Trip the return. And don't book multi city. Or you can. You can do multi city. All right. Tina and I are going to lunch after this, and we got to book a flight. Yeah, Delta vacations is good. Yeah, I have a. I have 2 million miles free. Free If. And I want. I just need to preface this real quick because I am about to spend a small fortune to shoot my special. And. And I. And just so you all understand, maybe the business behind it, I pay for it, I shoot it. Everything comes out of my pocket, okay? My asshole is clinched sending that money over. And then once it gets picked up from a streamer, they either license it. And I'm very excited about the streamer that we are in. I'm in bed with. And I literally, I was like, I again, I will do other things if it means I get a discount. And then they slowly pay me quarterly to like, put it on their platform, which is very exciting. But it is. I'm in the red on everything. Like, I just need y' all to know. And I want to look directly in a camera. I am paying for furniture, for a house. I'm paying to shoot and produce a special. If I start doing a lot of brand deals, which I'm very excited about, and I'm very loyal to all the brands, and I've done extensive research on what these brands believe in. I need y' all to just support. Comment right on the D, the dms, comment on the videos, be like, yes, Queen, she got that Vagisil check. Heck, we love a non itchy. I need y' all to be in the zone and know that I am doing this for the greater good. And if we can continue this, I gotta do those. Okay. Are you on the same page as me? I'm looking directly in a camera, so if I don't care what it is you need to be, you need to know that I know that. We all know that. I gotta buy furniture. Okay? Thank you. Period. All right, anyways, let's get to the next voice. What am I even talking about today? I don't fucking know.
- [41:32]
B
Hi, Heather, It's Kelsey from Nashville. I have an absolutely yes for you. We just bought tickets to your Knoxville taping, which happens to be my hometown, and we bought four tickets, including two girls that we met on the cruise, and they're gonna fly in from Seattle to have a reunion and come see you. We've seen the Bamboozle tour, like, four or five times, but, you know, we got to get with our Thoughtianas and bust down and have a cruise reunion, so we can't wait to see you. We love you. We appreciate you. Love and light, Heather.
- [42:07]
A
Love and light. I mean, I have. I am so tired, I could cry right now. That is so special to me. I am. I'm so tired right now. Okay. I knew it. Knew you're going to cry. I'm just. I'm so tired. I. I don't know what to do right now. One day at a time, one foot in front for the other. I'm so. That is so sweet. I am so jealous of the girl time because I'll be sweating in a hotel with Jeff. No, listen. At the end of the day, it's all so, like, the last couple weeks have been, like, such a grind, and I am. To hear shit like that, where people met on the cruise, and then, you know, you made new friends and you're having these experiences together. That's what it's all about. Fuck this shit. You know what I mean? Like, it is all about everybody getting together and at the end of the day, taking a break from the bullshit that's going on, the heaviness in everyone's lives, the bullshit in the news, and getting together. Like, that is the biggest takeaway for me. And that's one of the things. And I'm not plugging the cruise right now, but. But when people made friends on the cruise and then kept in touch with them, that is the biggest. Like, that warms my heart in a way I can't even describe, because how cool. You know what? I love friendship. I love everyone having a good time. And the fact that y' all are doing this and I was somehow able to facilitate that is just fucking cool. And I'm very grateful. I know how expensive it is to buy flights and buy tickets to shows and come out and support and the cruise is, you know, obviously not the cheapest. And, you know, we're doing the best we can for that, but that's a whole luxury vacation, so relax. Relax. Okay? But I. I want you to know that I understand how much of a commitment, whether it's time, money, and just honestly escaping your family, I get it. So that just. That tickles me pink. It really does. And, you know, the coolest thing is when I get a DM and a gal's like, hey, I'm gonna come to the show tonight. Like, my friend's sick. She can't come. Or, I'm gonna come solo. Or, you know, I'm the only one in my girlfriend group who listens to your podcast. I wanna come to the show. And then I say, come solo. Like, hang out around the mer booth. You know, whip a tit out, let people know what's going on. Just whip out a baby monitor, and somebody's gonna want to come by and be like, oh, tell me about your kid. Like, the community that we've built is just really, really. It's a. It's a precious sweet thing. And then when folks say, hey, at a great time. I met a lot of cool women on or met a lot of cool people in line for the bathroom or getting a drink or whatever. That's the coolest part of it. So that's why we do what we do. And that's a positive. You know, I started doing this thing on tour where I make everybody at lunch before our show go around and say, a positive. A rose and a thorn. I'm like, no, guys, we gotta keep it positive. Because at this point, so much shit is on fire that if we actively sit down and name the positive. Sometimes you have to do it. And whether or not it's a placebo effect or a psychological trick on your brain and your heart just to, like, calm your central nervous system and to reset, I'm forcing everyone to do it. And. And that's it. Sorry about it. They can go fuck themselves. You know, we are kumbaya ing this motherfucker, and fuck yo, couch. And y'.
- [45:19]
B
All.
- [45:19]
A
I get it. Like, so many people have come to this show a billion times, and. And. And that's the nature of the beast. And I think maybe in the fall, we were. We were talking about going back on the road. I've said for a while, I really need a break, but, you know, for the fall, I'm like, what if we do a live show where we do so much more crowd work, so much more audience participation, and I don't have this pressure of, like, it's just this hour. Now, I will say this hour is my fav. Of comedy I've ever done, and I'm so proud of it. I worked my dick off. Literally dickless, nothing. It's gone. I don't. Lorena Bobbitt. I don't know where it is. That's. It's in the river somewhere. But I am so proud of this hour, and I. And I understand, you know, you can come and you can see how it ebbs and flows and changes and what I've cut out and put in, and. But the being in a special taping is a really cool experience, and just know it has to be perfect, because the amount of money I'm having to spend on it is fucking insane. Insane. And if you saw the back end, if you saw the receipts, if you saw what we're in the red for, you'd be like, yeah, you know what? I'm gonna take a flight to Knoxville and support our girl. Thank you for letting me have an emotional breakdown on the show. The light's at the end of the tunnel, and it's sometimes in this rat race in this business, it's very hard to be in the present moment, to just take it all in and be like, look at what we're doing. Look at where we are. Look at how far we've come. Like, this is fucking cool. And every time I get exhausted or run down and I try and have some sort of boundary for my life. We were sitting at dinner last, and I was like, I'm not gonna have a glass of wine. Then I start having a glass of wine, and I only say this to My therapist. But it feels very. It feels very scary to say out loud. I need a little bit of a break. I need to pause. I need to take care. A real break. Take care of yourself. Because I can't tell you how many years I sat in my basement after my dad died, just literally on my hands and knees, praying. I used to say all the time, I say, God, if you give me the ability to financially take care of my. I'll do it. I promise you I'll do it. I won't be shady about it. I'll do it. I was like, I'll be honest. I'll take care of the people in my life. I'll take care of anybody who needs it if you just give me the ability to make this happen. I know that you gave me the gift to make people giggle. Please. I promise that we'll do it in the right way. And I know I have fucked up along the way. I'm doing the best I can, but I used to pray for days like this and. But it does feel like you can't. You know, you can't say anything to anybody ever if you're like, hey, I'm really worn slick. Like, I need. I need to take care of myself. But here I am saying it, you know, for hundreds of thousands of downloads on a podcast. Somebody clip this and call me a online. Can't wait. But anywho, all this being said, no matter what you're dealing with right now, just know that we all see the light at the end of the tunnel. Q2 is a Q2, right? Right. Google When Q2 is over, quarter two. Q2 is June 30th, and hopefully I will be on vacation by June 30th, so we got to make it through. You know, I said two weeks ago, we'll cry in June. We are crying now. And we're just going to be in the moment and be present and release it. Because if I hold on to this any longer, I'm going to have Aida and. And get an ulcer. So the lights at the end of the tunnel. Summer is here. It's warm out. We're feeling the light. We can do this. We got this. And no matter what you're going through, I know graduations are coming up, kids are getting out of school, put their asses in camp, okay? You deserve a break, too. And even if that break is you send your kids to camp and you sit in the air conditioning and watch the housewives and don't open the blinds for four days, no judgment. You deserve that. Okay. And maybe if that's. You only get 15 minutes to yourself to suck down a Dairy Queen fucking blizzard while you sit in the air conditioning and cry with me on this podcast. You do you. Because we're all trying to survive. I feel like we should end this episode here. I'm so excited. We have so many fun guests that are lined up that are coming out, some hot surprises, and I'm gonna bring the whole crew in from tour and we're gonna do a year recap of what it's been like to be on the Bamboozled tour, because we have. There's a lot of things that happen behind the scenes that y' all didn't know about, and I can't wait to do some roasting on that. As always, I love you guys. I will see you in Knoxville for the the shooting of the Bamboozled tour. And then, you know, we'll cry in June. Fuck y', all. Couch. See you later. I love you and mean it. Ciao, Bella. Or Robert Archie, Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. It.