Get Thee to Therapy with Nicole Byer

Summary

Absolutely Not Podcast – "Get Thee to Therapy with Nicole Byer"

Host: Heather McMahan
Guest: Nicole Byer
Date: March 11, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, comedian and actor Nicole Byer joins Heather McMahan in Atlanta for a lively, unapologetically honest conversation. The duo tackles everything from body image, confidence, comedy industry woes, and fashion, to the joy and pain of survival jobs, dating, and the importance of therapy—always with riotous laughter and zero filter.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Early Comedy Roots & UCB Memories

• Heather’s admiration: Heather opens with a heartfelt tribute to Nicole, recalling early days at UCB and Nicole’s influence as a comedy idol.
• Comedy style & fashion: Both discuss resisting the UCB uniform of dressing down as women, instead embracing glam, makeup, heels, and boldness.
  • “I just don't subscribe to that. Like, I'd rather look pretty.” – Nicole (01:45)
  • “You’re never going to be little, so just go into the room big and stay there. Don’t try and be smaller.” – Heather quoting her mom (03:12)

2. Pole Dancing & Strength

• Nicole’s pole dancing journey: Nicole advocates for pole as both empowering and fun, whether for strength or embracing sluttiness.
  • “You could just be like, I’m strong today. Or you’re like, I’m gonna show a nipple today.” – Nicole (02:26)
  • “Eight inches, they're easier to walk in… easier to dance in.” – Nicole on Pleasers heels (02:49)

3. Body Image, Confidence & Internet Trolls

• Book chat: Nicole discusses her book, "Very Fat, Very Brave: The Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and Not a Melancholy... Fat Girl in a Bikini," sharing the publisher’s hesitance about the title.
  • “If you don't like it, change it. But if you don't want to do the work to change it, you gotta love the skin that you're currently in.” – Nicole (05:23)
• Dealing with criticism: Both comedians explain that self-deprecation came before online trolls, and nothing surprises them.
  • “[Men] never say anything I haven’t said to myself.” – Heather (06:02)

4. Relationships & Joy

• Nicole’s partner: Nicole shares about her relationship — the joys, quirks, and how her boyfriend copes with her exuberant expressions.
  • “His only criticism is like, hey, Nicole... you tend to scream in my face when you get excited.” – Nicole (10:10)
• Love should be easy: Heather reflects on the stability of healthy relationships, contrasting them with the insecurity of past ones.

5. Comedy Career & Touring

• Finding joy on the road: Nicole talks about keeping performances fresh and fun despite exhaustion and dark industry realities.
  • “If I didn't think it was funny, I would just stay in bed.” – Nicole (12:48)
• Best and worst clubs: Nicole and Heather bond over cities they love to perform in (Chicago, Madison) versus those that break their spirit (notably Buffalo).
  • “The people of Buffalo, y'all might be nice, but they don't like comedy.” – Nicole (15:11)

6. Sports Obsession & Cultural Commentary

• Sports fans: The hosts dissect how losing sports teams affect city morale and why some people overly identify with sports.
  • “It's a little scary when the sports affects you that much. Get a life, get a hobby.” – Nicole (16:22)
• Learning baseball: Nicole shares a fun baseball story, highlighting the joy of new experiences (18:03).

7. Survival Jobs, Retail & Capitalism

• Retail horrors: Hilarious horror stories from Lane Bryant, SoulCycle, and minimum-wage exploits.
  • “They paid me $7.25 an hour in New York City.” – Nicole (25:49)
• Credit wisdom: Both lament how nobody taught them about the dangers of store credit cards.
  • “If you pay the minimum on a credit card, you're fucked.” – Nicole (27:46)

8. Fashion, Body Type & The Industry

• Fit struggles: The ongoing challenge to find stylish clothes beyond sample sizes and having to resort to custom tailoring.
  • “People don’t believe you about your body.” – Nicole (30:10)
• On-set hacks: Describing the reality of costumes being clamped, cut, or assembled at the last minute to fit.

9. Improv Team Doppelganger & Diversity

• Background: Nicole recounts forming the groundbreaking all-Black female trio Doppelganger at UCB due to being consistently mistaken for one another and overlooked by the institution’s teams.
  • “Out of a team of eight, you can only have two women. That's how it went.” – Nicole (38:36)

10. Standup Beginnings & Touring

• First stand-up gig: Nicole describes how she went from improv and TV to stand-up, winging her first 40-minute set at Rutgers (40:20).
• Importance of challenge: Both agree the best training is performing outside your comfort demographic.
  • “I need to go do the show for the entire room... who don’t want to like me.” – Heather (42:27)

11. Comedy Icons & Influence

• Whoopi: Nicole’s primary inspiration, especially for her versatility and comedic timing.
  • “Whoopi Goldberg. The movie Ghost is one of my favorite movies. Every scene she is in is so deeply funny.” – Nicole (49:36)
• Fashion joy: Discussion of dressing up for performance, nails, self-expression, and the struggle for inclusive sizing—even with major designer brands.

12. Pop Culture, Plastic Surgery, & Social Commentary

• Reality TV: Love for trash TV like 90 Day Fiance and "Members Only."
• Plastic surgery: Observations on the homogeneity of cosmetic work in certain circles.
  • “It’s almost like... they all go to the same guy to prove they can afford that $100,000 facelift.” – Heather (56:51)

13. Vision Board & Manifesting

• Looking forward: Nicole voices the vision: keep working, create with friends, and focus on "making the world better" and being joyful again.
  • “I just want to be like laughing all the time. I just want to have a nice time.” – Nicole (61:00)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “You’re never going to be little, so just go into the room big and stay there.” – Heather (03:12)
• “If you don't like it, change it. But if you don't want to do the work to change it, you gotta love the skin that you're currently in.” – Nicole (05:23)
• “The people of Buffalo, y'all might be nice, but they don't like comedy.” – Nicole (15:11)
• “Comedy's wild. We get on stage, tell people our deepest thoughts, and they're just eating chicken fingers.” – Nicole (13:37)
• “Life is too short for cheap underwear and mean people.” – Heather (paraphrased theme recurring throughout)

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Improv & Early Comedy Days – 00:30–04:00
• Pole Dancing & Empowerment – 02:08–03:00
• Body Image, Reddit Trolls, and Book Talk – 04:13–06:37
• Relationship Realness – 09:53–11:59
• Survival Jobs & Retail Stories – 25:29–30:56
• Fashion Sizing, Styling, & Set Stories – 29:43–31:35
• Doppelganger, UCB Diversity, & Improv Politics – 36:55–38:36
• Standup Beginnings & First 40-min Set – 40:03–41:12
• Comedy Icons and Performative Joy – 49:36–52:11
• Plastic Surgery & Pop Culture Gossip – 56:10–58:19
• Vision Board & Joyful Manifesting – 59:52–61:03

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Highlight: Call-in Voicemail Advice (63:08)

Caller: “Absolutely not to sex dreams about my boss after a promotion! Is this normal?”

• Nicole’s take: “That’s my little secret.” (64:36)
• “I think this dream’s about you being ready to do above and beyond to get further ahead in your career.” (66:08)
• Both agree: Laugh it off, keep it to yourself, and hit your Q3 numbers—no need to act on subconscious corporate ladder dreams!

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Closing

Heather and Nicole wrap with fashion recommendations (Jessica Simpson for big shoes, Gucci for statement pieces), laughter about nailing down therapy and self-care, and a mutual celebration of working, thriving, and wishing for an easier, kinder world.

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Where to Find Nicole

• Tour dates: NicoleByerWasTaken.com
• Podcasts: Why Won’t You Date Me?, Best Friends, Newcomers (on hiatus), 90 Day Bae (Patreon)
• Instagram/Twitter/TikTok: @nicolebyer

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Final Thought:
“I just want to be like laughing all the time. I just want to have a nice time.”
—Nicole Byer (61:00)

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For more infectious, candid joy and no-holds-barred real talk, follow both Heather and Nicole, and catch Nicole’s comedy specials and podcasts wherever you get your laughs.

Transcript

[A]

The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon.

[B]

I want to start a fire.

[A]

Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I am so excited to have a very special guest here in the studio today, here live in Atlanta, Georgia. Her name's Nicole Byer. And, Nicole, I have been following you for a long time, and I used to watch you do improv in the basement under Gristide's at ucb. And you were one of my absolute comedy idols. And I just truly, like, I don't think people realize, like, I have followed you for such a long time, and I am so honored to have you in the studio here.

[B]

Thank you. Thank you for having me. I remember you would come in for classes, and you were always so joyful, and, like, you were always like, hey, how are you? And I was like, oh, my goodness, I'm good. How are you? Like, you just brought sunshine with you.

[A]

You're so sweet. I was kind of the opposite of the kids at UCB because I always had a full blowout and, like, my giant hoops and some sort of faux fur coat. And I was. And that was, like, peak hipster. It was like 2009 where everybody was leaning in hip, and I was like, I'm going full drone rivers. I don't know to tell you guys.

[B]

It is funny because when I first started doing improv, I was like, well, all. All the girls dress so down. Like, right? Everybody looks so boring down.

[A]

I say homeless, right?

[B]

Yes. But I would do, like, a full face of makeup, and I would wear, like, a cute little ensemble. And, yeah, I just don't subscribe to that. Like, I'd rather look pretty.

[A]

Well, you look gorgeous in all your specials. You're a woman who loves animal print.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

You're insanely funny and talented. I mean, you're multifaceted. You, you host, you're a touring standup comedian. You are an actress. You're also doing a lot of strip tees these days.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Let's talk about this, because I need to find something to fill my void of movement, expression, and also, you know, a little sluttiness. I need to tap into that.

[B]

I love pole dancing. Like, I simply love it. You don't have to be slutty. You could also just be strong. But also, you can be slutty.

[A]

Okay. I want to lean a little.

[B]

The best part about It I. Because you could just be like, I'm strong today. Or you're like, I'm gonna show a nipple today. Like, you just have a nice time and then you get to wear these giant fucking shoes. Like I wear 8 inch pleasers.

[A]

Fuck, yeah.

[B]

And I learned because I was scared of them. So I started with six inches and I went to seven.

[A]

And then we all start with six inches.

[B]

And yeah, I've been wish and pray for eight.

[A]

Right, right.

[B]

But eight inches, they're easier to walk in. Really? And they're easier to dance in.

[A]

I had this theory, too. Anytime I do like a red carpet thing, I'm like, I'm better in a platform than I am a heel.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Don't even put me in a fudgeing wedge. I want a full YSL like, platform. That is 62 inches. And I'm already very tall.

[B]

Like, how tall are you?

[A]

I'm 5, 9, 6ft with some heels on, you know, so I'm already towering over people. My mom always said, like, just higher the heels, get your hair high. Like, she's like, you're never going to be little, so just go into the room big and stay there. Don't try and like, be smaller.

[B]

Fucking love that. Because I feel like a lot of women tell their children, their little girls to like, be a little smaller.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Like, I remember my mother. I don't think she really meant anything by this, but she's like, you have a very big butt. Yeah. So just tuck it a little. And I was like, tuck my butt?

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And then I couldn't figure out how to walk. And I was like, this is it. This is what it is.

[A]

This is what it is.

[B]

I'm sorry. God bless. Thank you for the advice.

[A]

I was walking down homecoming court and my mom was on the front row and she's like, heather, suck it in and stick out your tits. I'm in like the eighth grade and I'm like, I don't even have tits. You know what I mean? And she was just like, you know, posture, like, put him out. But I. I've always loved and respected you. One, cause you're hysterically funny. But two, like, you have been so smart in the way you never apologize. You're always like, I'm going to be bold and brash. And I mean, fuck, you wrote a book on being brave, right? Which is also so fucking funny because I know you in the comedy world. And I'm like, the fact that. Because. Tell everybody about your book.

[B]

So it's called hashtag very fat. Very Brave. The Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and not a melancholy, down in the dumps weeping fat girl in a Bikini.

[A]

Yes, bitch.

[B]

It is long. And it's because they wouldn't let me just title it Very Fat, Very Brave, the Fat Girl's Guide to Being Brave and Not Suicidal in the Bikini. They were like, it seems like you're making fun of suicide. And I was like, I'm not making fun of it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I'm just saying, like, how do you, like, how do you feel like you don't want to, like, die in a moment where you're like, embarrassed in a bikini or whatever.

[A]

And also, who isn't having a real conversation with, like, today I put on my pants and I want to kill myself.

[B]

And I wanted to. I want to pass away, walk into traffic. I look disgusted, right? And I wrote it because I, like, would just take pictures in bikini. And I say wrote very loosely. It's a picture book with captions.

[A]

Good for you. Good for you. I'm working on a book proposal right now, and I'm like, how much can it just be nudes?

[B]

I mean, throw them in. Yeah, throw them in. Because you hit your page count, right? The word count. That's another story. That was so hard. I was like, oh, my God. So instead of like, put on your bikini, it's like, open that drawer, pull it out, rifle through it, get that

[A]

bikini, steam it, get it ready.

[B]

Steam it. Yeah. Writing it was hard, but like, the message was easy. Cuz I don't know, it's your body. Like, if you don't like it, change it. But if you don't want to do the work to change it, you gotta love the skin that you're currently in.

[A]

Whenever I read about myself on Reddit or if somebody sends something snarky, especially men, men, their first thing, their first joke is, she's huge. Who's this man who's this enormous person? And it is so funny. Cause I'm like, that's it. I'm like, do you not think that I have gotten up and, and stood in front of the mirror my entire, like, adolescence and been like, you dumb fat cunt, get it together. You're not going to say anything to me that I haven't already thought myself.

[B]

But I'm waiting for it. Yes, I am waiting to read something and go, oh, oh, well, okay. Surprise. All right.

[A]

Like, we're comics. This is what we do. My entire first special was just me making fun of being like a large child. Like, what do you want from Me, sir.

[B]

Truly. And I don't know why men feel the need to criticize the way women look when men look the way they do. Very few men look good, so.

[A]

Very few. I'll tell you who. It's Jacob Elordi, and I would say Michael B. Jordan. And that's it.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Those are the only two.

[B]

Those heated rivalry boys.

[A]

Oh, they're so sexy.

[B]

Oh, I love that.

[A]

Yes. And I will say everybody was, you know, everybody online's like, oh, the hockey butt. My husband played hockey growing up, so I actually am a proud owner of a hockey ass at home.

[B]

That's lovely.

[A]

Yes. And he is, you know, he's a handsome man, but people don't realize underneath, I'm at home with a hockey butt.

[B]

Wait, how long has it been since he played hockey?

[A]

I mean, he hasn't played hockey since, like, college.

[B]

And he still has a hockey butt.

[A]

Oh. Because once you get a hockey butt, it's never going away. It's like when you're a swimmer and you have a, you know, you're a male, you've got a swimmer's. Swimmer's arms. You're never not going to have swimmers arms.

[B]

Interesting.

[A]

It's high and tight. It's high and tight. So I'm dealing with that. So now I have gay men asking me, do you mind if we have photos of your husband's ass? And Jeff's like, he loves it.

[B]

He's like, sure. And that's what I. I like a secure man who's like, sure, yeah, I'm not attracted to men, but, like, they're attracted to me, so why not have at it? Why not enjoy that?

[A]

You want to see my butthole? That's fantastic.

[B]

That's nice. Show it off. Bend over and spread it.

[A]

What did you think of heated rivalry going into it? So many people, like, Heather, we need to know your commentary and, like, your thoughts. I'm like, it's just gorgeous men. What do you mean? It's a beautiful love story. I'm obsessed with it.

[B]

My favorite episode was the last one where nothing really happened.

[A]

Can I be honest with you? Nothing has happened the entire series. No, because you write and I write, and when I look at it from, like, an actual. You break down the storyline. I'm like, there's not actually a single thing happening on this show. They make phone calls. They fuck. Yes, they.

[B]

But I'm into it. The movie was shot, the actors, they chose. I was, like, really captivated and pulled in, and I was like, oh, my stories. Ooh, I gotta watch My stories. I. I simply loved it. I thought it was so lovely.

[A]

I also want to get a cottage. I want a place somewhere in, like, Banffee, Canada, or on a lake in

[B]

the middle of nowhere to take my lover.

[A]

Right?

[B]

And then when his dad walked in, I was like, oh, no, I'm spoiling it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, oh, no. But then nothing happened. Dati and Mommy were fine.

[A]

They were so fine. They just had questions. I thought that there was going to be a pivot there. I thought there was going to be some, you know, inciting incident where they're like, you know, you're a queer. Get out of here. And they were just like, we love you. And are you guys dating? I was like, what?

[B]

This is so. It was so nice.

[A]

So jovial. Yeah.

[B]

And Heather, okay, I think the thing we all loved about it, it was a queer love story. Sure, we had the, like, coming out of, you know, multiple characters, like, telling the world or whatever. But, like, nothing bad happened.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Nothing bad. It wasn't like queer tortured, queer trauma. Like, it was just a queer joy. And, like, I think the world needs more of that.

[A]

Right? I agree with you. They just need to say, hey, you gay? Yeah. We're going to brunch.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We're over it. We're fucking in a cottage. Let's have a mimosa. Hey, dad, I'm gay. Let's move on. One of my dear friends in high school, my mom has always been like the mom that everybody went to with their shit. And we went to lunch one day and he was like, I'm telling your mom I'm gay. I'm like, okay, go for it. And he was like, you know, Ms. McMahon, I think I'm gay. And my mom was just like, okay, do you like penises? And he was like, I do.

[B]

And she goes, yeah, you gay?

[A]

Very easy, Zach. She was like, I don't know how else to tell you this, but you're gay. Very easy.

[B]

One question. You like penises. You do. Okay. Very gay.

[A]

Very gay. Yeah.

[B]

So funny.

[A]

Are you dating these days?

[B]

Do you have a lover? I am. I do. I have a lover.

[A]

Ooh. Tell me everything.

[B]

He's very, very sweet. We've been dating for a little over a year and a half, Right. Our two year anniversary is coming up.

[A]

Ooh.

[B]

He's just like, nice and likes my weird things. His only criticism of me really is like, hey, Nicole, you. You tend to scream in my face when you get excited. And I was like, who, me?

[C]

Me?

[B]

No. And then I remember once we were watching tv, and I truly turned to him and screamed right in his face. And he was like, hey, not, like, criticizing you, but that's. That's. That's that. And I was like, oh. And then, like, the next time I got excited, I was like, no. And then I just screamed forward. And he was like, okay, that's.

[A]

We're pivoting. That's good. Yeah.

[B]

He's like, but maybe. Maybe you don't scream. And I was like, no.

[A]

Does he want to clap? What would he rather. I don't know, but, like, jazz hands, you know what I mean?

[B]

Like, I just started turning directly away from him and screaming.

[A]

Right. Do you do the thing? Like, right before I go to bed with my husband? I mean, we've been together 15 years married now, almost like five. And I'll turn to him and I'm just like, say three nice things that you like about me. Say your three favorite things about me. He's like, we do this every single night. And I'm like, and they all have to be new. He's grabbing at straws right now just to find something new.

[B]

That's so funny. I'm gonna borrow it.

[A]

You should do it now.

[B]

What do I do before bed? I just start full blown, like, philosophical conversations. And then sometimes I'm like, are you sleeping? What are you doing? And then he'll just be like. And I'm like, oh, he's sleeping. And then in the morning, I'll go, hey, so what I was saying last

[A]

night, he's like, bitch, I tuned you out hours ago.

[B]

I'm an absolute nightmare. But he likes it.

[A]

And that's how you know you were the right person.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

If it's easy. I always tell people if the relationship is easy and you're not actually thinking about it, because we've all been in such bad relationships where constantly, you never knew where you stood with the person. You never know how they felt about you. You never knew what if they were gonna return your call? I just knew Jeff was gonna show up. I don't know how else to describe it. Like, I knew he was gonna show up and he would giggle, and then we'd go get a snack and maybe fuck later. And that's love.

[B]

And it's just so nice. The other night, I laughed at something, and he was like, God, your laugh is nice. It's just joyful. And I was like, no, but that's.

[A]

I mean, speaking of just being joyful, that has also been your comedy. Like, and I think that's why I've always gravitated towards you. You know, it was sweet that you said, oh, I would walk into ucb, but I always felt watching you perform there was so much joy.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

Because this business is dark. Okay.

[B]

It really is.

[A]

This business will kill you. But you have always come from a place of like, you know, obviously self deprecation and you're raw and real about stuff, but so joyful. Well, how do you keep the joy on the road right now in these dark times? Because I started to spiral out at the. Towards the end of last year.

[B]

Well, I guess when I'm doing comedy because sometimes people are like, you know, you laugh a lot at your own jokes. And I'm like, yeah, yeah. I didn't leave my house.

[A]

Right.

[B]

Tell you things that I don't think are funny. I have a bed that I could truly just be in right now. So I think when I'm on stage, yes, I'm doing jokes that I've written and crafted, but I'm always trying to find, like a new thing to make myself laugh.

[A]

Same.

[B]

Like, there was one show in Boston where I was feeling like, so delirious because I'd done so many shows right before it and I can't remember what I did, but I started laughing really hard at myself. And then I was like, oh, I'm having a nice time. And I was like, wait, are you having a nice. I'm really focused on myself. Are you having a nice. And they were like, yes, but there's

[A]

nothing better when you kind of disassociate and you're actually working. Especially when I'm working on new material and I'm just giggling to myself on stage. And then you black out for about 20 seconds and then you're like, oh, fuck, there's somebody.

[B]

Did you people like that?

[A]

Yeah. Did you need more ranch dressing with your chicken fingers? Like, what do we need here?

[B]

Comedy's wild. That we do. We get on stage, tell these people really like our. Our deepest thoughts that we think are funny. And they're just eating chicken fingers.

[A]

That's all they're doing. They're eating chicken fingers and like fish bowl drinks. Yes, that's it.

[B]

It's wild.

[A]

Yeah. Where did you shoot your last crowd work special?

[B]

At the Comedy on State in Madison, Wisconsin.

[A]

I have not performed there and I hear it is. Everyone says it's the best place.

[B]

It's one of the best. I don't know, dare I say one, like the best clubs in the states. Like, it's so. They love comedy. They treat you so nicely. They don't sell food. They somehow make enough money to pay comics. Well, Pay your feature. Pay your host well. Great. And everyone has a great time. And it's. Every time I go, I feel like all my shows sell out. Like, people there really like comedy, and they like going out and they like laughing. They're some of the best audiences I've ever had.

[A]

That's how I feel about Chicago.

[B]

I love Chicago.

[A]

Like, you go to some certain cities and you just say, these people get it. They're wonderful. I love it here. I want to kiss everybody on the mouth. You were fantastic. Do you want to come back to my hotel room? We'll get tammies. And you show me all. You show me all your family on the iPhone. Like, there's just some places where you say, I love you, and I want to squeeze you.

[B]

On the flip side, Buffalo, New York, made me want to quit comedy. Just quit comedy.

[A]

I'm so glad that you said this, because the number one request I get is from upstate New York, and they go, come to Buffalo. Come to Buffalo. I'm like, I'm good. Listen, I'm gonna have to go to Buffalo. My agent's gonna call me tomorrow and be like, so we booked you. Buffalo.

[B]

The people of Buffalo, y' all might be nice. They don't like comedy.

[A]

Really? It's.

[B]

Yeah, they don't like it. Or maybe they didn't like me. I don't know. But I. I was in Madison the weekend before, I think, and then had Buffalo the weekend after. Had these great shows and then went to Buffalo, and I was like, what the fuck do you. Maybe comedy doesn't need me anymore.

[A]

Well, it's bad, too. When you're doing a weekend of clubs and you know that you have. You get through the first show and you're like, okay, this is going to be tough. And then, you know, there's five more shows for the rest of the week. Yep.

[B]

And you're like, how will I get through this? But I did. I got through it. Truly.

[A]

You were now banned from. From Buffalo.

[B]

I would love for them to ban me. Apparently, the Bills lost, and that's, like, a thing that affects the city.

[A]

So that's also. And I love Philly, but I performed. And in Philly, right after they had lost the super bowl and they had lost the World Series that year, too. And I made a couple. I made a couple athletic jokes, and I had a man in the audience, he's like. He's still fucking showed. Heather, like, literally a. Tears rolling down his Face. He's like, we lost both this year. And I was just like, oh, fudge. Okay. All right, backpedaling.

[B]

Here's the thing.

[A]

It's a little scary when the sports

[B]

affects you that much. Get the right. You got to get a life. You got to get a hobby, something other than sports.

[A]

I do feel bad, though. Okay. So that, you know, they just lost last night.

[B]

Who did?

[A]

The Bills.

[B]

Oh.

[A]

So the Bills are kind of cursed. Though in all fairness, I do know a little bit about Buffalo. The Bills are cursed. And do you know that Hailee Steinfeld is married to Josh Allen, who is the quarterback? Have you seen him?

[B]

You know, I don't know any.

[A]

Josh is a cutie, and he's married to Hailee Steinfeld, who we love. She was in Sinners.

[B]

We love her.

[A]

Pop star queen. I'm really supporting them, but the Bills are kind of. They're cursed.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

All right. So they just lost, so now they're not going to the Super Bowl. So every Bills fan has a deep.

[B]

It's just.

[A]

They want to win, and they can't get there.

[B]

But if they're cursed and they don't win, give up.

[A]

Okay. Also that.

[B]

Give the up, like, every year. You want to be disappointed, right? I don't do the sports.

[A]

Yeah, I hear you. I only do the sports because I'm married to Rain Man. My husband should have been a sports analysis analyst. But I hear you. It's tough. The sports are tough. The sports have gotten me in trouble, too, recently. Like, I got. I got involved in sports publicly a little bit too much, and I've realized, talk about people writing stuff about you on the Internet, that's a place.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Men don't want women in men's spaces. So I realized I'm just gonna just pull it back.

[B]

Pull it back a little bit.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The nice man in my life, he likes baseball, so I've learned a little.

[A]

Long game. Long game, though, is long.

[B]

Yeah. But I saw a game where maybe a man named Freddie or something. Oh, Freddie Freeman. I guess the Dodgers. Yes.

[A]

So we love Freddie Freeman. He was from Atlanta, played for Braves. The shout out to the Freedmen. We love them. Yes. Freddie's great.

[B]

So nothing was happening. And then I.

[A]

Bases were loaded.

[B]

Well, they walked Ohtani because they were like, we'd rather not have a home run, but that loaded the bases.

[A]

And then he hit a grand slam,

[B]

and then Freddie hit a home run, and then they, like, all got to run. And I was like. And I screamed as everyone was cheering. This is the most fun I've had in three minutes, like, because it was such a long game. And then that was so exciting. And then the thing I loved the most was people come out and sweep the sand.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

And I was like, well, that's a fun.

[A]

This is a fun game. Oh, my God. In the bat boys and the bat girls, that's when they throw the bat and then they got to run out there and they got to grab.

[B]

Oh, wait, yes, I did see that. That also was a fun job because I'm like, you must love baseball so much. This must be an actual dream for you. And I'm all for that.

[A]

I'm all for people finding the dreams and doing the dreams and doing it. Let's be honest, if a routine takes longer than five minutes, it's not happening. Okay? And that's why I love Merit Beauty, because Merit Beauty believes that great makeup should be effortless. They're clean, thoughtfully curated essentials help you get a fresh, polished look in minutes with products you can swipe on, blend with your fingers, and move on with your day. I love Merit. Merit is my go to when I have a day off from the road and I want to look put together, but I do not want to take the time to be to face the Merit products are so easy to use, so essential. And I love, love, love that it is a minimalist beauty brand makes elevated makeup and skin care design to help you look like you're totally put together in minutes. Also, their best sellers are proof that less really is more. They have this flush balm, which gives you this perfect, like, natural, healthy glow without overdoing it. 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[B]

Who's that?

[A]

Well, I just curious because I feel like you would be a seven. I'm a seven. And we're like enthusiasts and cheerleaders.

[B]

Heather, roll it back. What's. What's the. What is an. What is it?

[A]

So it's a test that you can do online. It takes like 20, 30 minutes. And a lot of like when you go work for a big corporation, they'll make. It's a personality test and it basically

[B]

tells you where you know what this

[A]

is, what your number is. And I think it's on a scale of like 1 to 8. So I'm a 7. A lot of comics and performers are sevens, but you're a joyful comic and performer. The dark ones are like a two. We're sevens. Are. We're cheerleaders. We're enthusiasts. Like, I like to watch people win. That brings me joy.

[B]

Same.

[A]

So I'm with you. I want to see the Batgirl thriving. I want to know that she got up today and was like, I'm living my best fucking life. I am. I am out here at Dodger Stadium, right, in umbrella shorts.

[B]

I'm dreamt about it and I get to do it. I love it.

[A]

I highly suggest you take this personality test. I'd be curious to see what you are.

[B]

I'm curious too.

[A]

Now, like, if you get a job at a big corporation, they'll usually. Or you're like, on a sales team, they'll make you take this test to figure out, you know, how. How the feng shui, the office is going to work. Because, like, threes work well with sevens, eights work well with twos and all this.

[B]

Oh, and they'll, like, pair you up. It's funny, I've never worked in a corporate setting neither, so I simply don't know. I love they like me either, but I'm taking this corporate test.

[A]

I. I made nut job of, like, I like to do the. What, you know, fuck. When the buzzfeed quizzes were out, you know, and they're like, what ham sandwich are you? I'm like, taking it.

[B]

That's fun. I like.

[A]

I like a little validation. I've never worked in corporate. I worked at a gym that was technically a little corporate, but I have never once had to, like, sit through an HR meeting.

[B]

Wait, let's see. I guess I have. I worked at Lane Bryant, which is a corporation. Did I have to sit through.

[A]

I mean, I worked at SoulCycle. I. I worked at a gym. We, like, we did CPR training. But no, we were never. No, no, we did not work corporate. I love that. You worked at Lane Bryant. Shout out to Lane Bryant. No, no, it went bad. It went south.

[B]

I don't know. They paid me 725 an hour in New York fucking City. Yeah.

[A]

What year was this?

[B]

This was 2010ish.

[A]

I was making $12 an hour at Soul Cycle. And I'll never forget when I got a quarter raise. They were like, heather, you were going above and beyond. You were covered head to toe in a man's blood the other day and saved his life. You get a quarter raise.

[B]

And I was just like, quarter.

[A]

I said, I got. I'm. I'm college educated. I gotta get the fuck outta here.

[B]

That's fucking wild. I.

[A]

But it was the best Job. I had so much fun.

[B]

Capitalism blows me away at every fucking corner. Just the person at the top making so much money, and then the people who do the work that gets them the money get paid so little. I'm like, what are we. Why did. Why has this been allowed?

[A]

How was retail in general, though, especially specifically niche? Lane Bryant, right?

[B]

Pretty good at it.

[A]

I believe it. What was the number one seller at Lane Bryant?

[B]

The bras.

[A]

The bras.

[B]

We did a lot of bra fits. The bras, the credit card, they would

[A]

be like, that's the thing they're pushing. That's how the. That's how the capitalism get you. Get you in debt.

[B]

And I was very good at selling those fucking credit cards to get 10% off your purchase was. Which is essentially nothing, right? But. And I got in trouble because I was like, okay, do you want to sign up for a Lane Bryant credit card? They'd be like, I don't know. I'm like, 10 off your purchase today. If you're gonna use a debit card, open the Lane Bryant account. Pay it off today so you don't

[A]

have the debt, period.

[B]

And then they yelled at me. They were like, you can't do that. And I was like, well, I understand that you want these people to carry debt. They will probably eventually. But, like, isn't that a nice thing to be, like, pay it off now and then maybe that's. Maybe that's what they'll do. They'll use their Lane Bryant credit card for the little perks and pay it off immediately. Maybe I'm helping people build credit. But they were like, don't help them.

[A]

They're like, don't help them.

[B]

We want these fatties in debt.

[A]

Oh, I had a Banana Republic card. And let me tell you what, I thought I could buy cashmere socks for like three years. And then that thing nearly destroyed my credit.

[B]

Nobody explains to you store cards have the worst interest rates. Also, nobody explained to me that if you pay the minimum on a credit card, you're fucked. And it's like $100 on it. It's going to take you 10 fucking years to pay off 100. Nobody told me this.

[A]

I knew a little bit about credit because my dad owned a credit bureau and he would, like, he would go to high schools and teach kids how to do credit.

[B]

Doing the Lord's work.

[A]

Doing the Lord's work. But then when he died, my fuck you to the universe was, I'm going to open an Amex because I had decent credit. And then I burned it all down because I never paid any of those back because I was grieving my credit. My credit bureau father.

[B]

No, I get it. I fucking get it.

[A]

And I was like, I'm not paying this shit back. Fuck you, dad. For dying of cancer. And then I opened a Banana Republic card and immediately was like, $20,000 in debt.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

How do you spend $20,000 on a banana Republic? I did talent. Yeah, you do. I worked retail a little bit with the soul cycle. Like, we'd have to push. They'd come in, you know, you get the new Lululemon. Never carried my size. So it was funny to me. I'm over here, like, selling fucking, you know, size three tights with.

[B]

With.

[A]

With skulls all down, you know, And.

[B]

And. And.

[A]

And people are buying $40 spin classes. And then people would ask me, I was in the best shape of my life. And folks would be like, do you do this workout? I'm like, I took three classes today. I've lost 40 pounds, and you can't even fucking tell. Fuck you. And I was just like, I was over it. I was over it.

[B]

I worked at this, like, teen store called Joyce Leslie in New Jersey. It was only on the east coast, and they only sold up to, like, a large, right? And I worked there. Everything had spandex in it, so I could fit into some stuff. And I remember several times people would be like, oh, where's the plus section? And I'd be like, oh, we don't have one. They're like, then why do you work here? And I'm like, all right, I'll be on my own.

[A]

Okay? Right? You're like, cause I enjoy Joyce.

[B]

Because I love getting paid $7 an hour. My God.

[A]

I mean, it's still a problem in the fashion space. Like, when I got a stylist, I had to specifically ask stylists, hey, are you cool? Like, can you get sizes? And I'm very tall, so I carry my weight well. Like, they'll always like, no, you're not a size 16. Like, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm not making this up. I have the broadest shoulders of any human being on the planet. You're gonna have to get something custom. And people never believe it. And I'm like, everything that I have, it has to be. You gotta get 16 different tailors to go source it, to then put it together.

[B]

It is wild that people don't believe you about your body.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I told a costumer. I was like, I am a 2x3x. It just depends on the cut. It depends on the weather and how I feel. Whatever. So she was getting me two and three X's in juniors plus.

[A]

And I was like, juniors plus two X?

[B]

Yeah. It's just cut smaller than a women's two X.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And I was like, huh? I know I have a youthful face, but I'm a full fucking grown woman. I don't. I can't wear the juniors. Like, it's just gonna be tighter. So she then thought I was lying about my size. So then she would buy like a 4 4x or like a 5x.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I remember one time I went to set and the director looked at me and she was like, oh, why do you look like that? And I was like, yeah, I don't know.

[A]

You're like, I don't know.

[B]

I don't know. Talk to your costumer. I don't know.

[A]

It is so difficult sometimes dealing with just getting dressed for shit.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Where you're like, I don't know what else to tell you even. Because I have very small legs. I'm very small on the bottom. So for me, it was. I would just. It was always up top, trying to find shirts, sweaters, dresses, blazers, anything. I'm like, no, I gotta get it custom. And then you spend a fucking fortune.

[B]

Whatever. I used to spend so much fucking money to get custom shit. I've been on sets where don't let me turn around because they've cut the shirt up the back.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

To make it fit. Cause they only have one size.

[A]

I'm held together with clamps. I'm. People don't even see, like, truly laced up the back.

[B]

It is wild.

[A]

Two bobby pins and a stick of gum, holding a prayer. 100% truly wild. What other survival jobs did you have before you were really striking gold in comedy? You were doing retail. Have you ever done any hospitality jobs? As in, like waiting tables or.

[B]

Sure did. One of the worst waitresses you ever would meet now. Terrible.

[A]

What about the job was challenging for you?

[B]

Remembering things.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know how, like, people will come to your table with notepad nothing, and they'll remember it and it comes to the table. Correct. I couldn't do that. And I remember once I forgot my little pad and they just started ordering and I went, uh huh, uh huh, uh huh, yes. Got it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Then I went to the computer and I was like, I don't got it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So I went back over with my pad and I was like, all right, guys, this is the test. Do you actually want what you just ordered?

[A]

We're gonna do it again.

[B]

Do it again. And the lady, I. I think she was like, really? And I went, yeah, really. I have my pad now. And I bet that whole table was like, why did she let us get through every. Because it was like, like a four top or a five top. And I bet they were like, why, why did she do all that?

[A]

Right?

[B]

But I got tipped very well.

[A]

Yeah, because you're showing a little.

[B]

People were like, I was showing a little city. I was a little funny. They're like, we gotta get her out of here. She's not. This is not her life.

[A]

This is not her life.

[B]

You know what can't be here.

[A]

We gotta. We gotta leave a hundred dollars on the table. Because she's destined for stardom. She needs some new Capizio dance shoes, tights, and some.

[B]

Was it DeLuca dance shoes. I. Yeah, I. People just liked me. And I was. I liked people. I was a hostess for a while, and I remember this one lady, I sat her at a table and she sat down and she went, I hate it. And I was like, that was my mother.

[A]

So that's my mother. Everywhere we go, she's just like, the bathroom, it's 400ft away. I know that someone's taking a shit right now. And I'm like, mom, we're at the front of the. Where else do you want to go?

[B]

I love people like that. So I started saying when I would see people, I'd be like, do you love it? And then people would be like, the table. And I'd be like, yes, yes. Do you love this table? And they'd be like, yes. And I'd be like, good

[A]

world, your oyster, babe.

[B]

Like, people are probably like, this girl is weird.

[A]

I always thought being a hostess, truly the gatekeeper of the. You know, how the entire operation runs. But hostessing, I was always front of Halsey. I thrived waitressing and bartending because the only thing I was actually good at was remembering. I was the bitch who could remember. Razzle dazzle you. And I knew the entire menu backwards and forwards. So I was good at the sales. But if I had to host and understand the timing of the entire restaurant. Cause I'm not good with numbers, I would have melted the fuck down. I would have been the worst host on the fucking planet. That to me, is the most difficult job. And you should tip your hostesses if you want to get in and oh, you don't have a reservation. Slip a 20 and see what happens.

[B]

Yep, period. I would have satcha.

[A]

Yeah. What restaurants did you work at.

[B]

I worked at this restaurant. It was on 57th and 8th is in the first season. I think it's the second episode of Kitchen Nightmares. It's called Purnema.

[A]

Oh, yeah.

[B]

I worked there after. It was on Kitchen Nightmares. Let me tell you, they did not keep the improvements.

[A]

Right.

[B]

And then I worked at Chat and Chew, which was in Union Square. Neither of these restaurants still exist, and I think that was it. Oh, and then I worked for one day at a restaurant called Elmo in Chelsea.

[A]

Oh, yeah. I feel like I remember Elmo. Yes. It was on a. Yeah, right.

[B]

By McManus.

[A]

Oh, do we remember McManus? For all the improv nerds that are tuning in right now, McManus was the bar that we would all go to after ucb, after performing in the underbelly of the basement of a Grassidi's. Almost like gas station. It felt like a gas station grocery store. And McManus was a place where you went to flirt. The McManus was the place where, if I was still a student, you were already performing. So I was trying to get on a team. Could not. Had to be on an independent team. And I would, as a young student, go there and then just sit there at the end of the bar drinking a Guinness and suffer, watching all of these nerdy improv guys that were half my size be like, you know, if you give me a hand job, I'll get you on a Herald team. And you're like, I don't want to.

[B]

Wild times.

[A]

Wild times.

[B]

And anytime I think back to those improv guys I hooked up with, I'm like, why?

[A]

Yeah, why? I had the biggest crush on one of my coaches. The biggest. And he was like, 50 at the time. I don't know why. I'll tell you off. I'll tell you later.

[B]

I think I know who it is.

[A]

You probably know, because if you see what my husband looks like, you probably know who it is.

[B]

Maybe I don't.

[A]

Do you remember Jim Sandwich San Angeli? I had the biggest crush on him.

[B]

I also had a huge crush on him.

[A]

Because he's a man.

[B]

Because.

[A]

Yes. And he's a man.

[B]

And he was so funny.

[A]

I don't know what he's doing now.

[B]

I don't know what he's doing now either. I think his wife owns jam. Oh, like a jam business.

[A]

Oh, a jam business.

[B]

Like jelly.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Jellies and jams.

[A]

I had the biggest crush on him. Yeah, I love. I would literally go watch him perform on, like, Tuesdays, you know, Harold night. And I'd be like, that's my man. Like, what? And one of my girlfriends in comedy with me, it was on my team, she was like, like, Heather, he's 57. You're hot. Blonde in New York. Go for the gold, honey. And I was like, but I like him.

[B]

That's really funny. Yeah. Like, I had crushes on men that, like, truly. I look back on, and I'm like, they had nothing for you.

[A]

Nothing.

[B]

Absolutely nothing.

[A]

Yeah. Now, you were so smart because you and two of your best girlfriends started a team called Doppelganger.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

And, like, this is gonna be very interesting for my audience because they're all kind of new. They don't really understand, like, the impression. They're new. They know stand up, but they don't necessarily know our background. Doppelganger was so cool because you were three badass black women, and you created that team because you were sick and tired of, like, going on auditions. And, I mean, it's a funny name to be like, no.

[B]

So we were Doppelganger simply because people would mistake Sasheer for Keisha.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And we were like, that's fucking crazy. I think Keisha was the one who came up with the name. But, yeah, we kind of. So she and I ended up just, like, performing together randomly, and then she was already performing with Keisha. And then we were like, oh, the three of us should just perform together. And then we had one cage match, which is like, it was a Thursday night show at 11pm I can't believe I would do shows at 11pmRight. And it would be like, teams would enter, and then it would be like, Harold teams against Harold teams, weekend teams against Harold team. And we entered, and then, like, I think we won for, like, eight weeks or something stupid like that.

[A]

I was there at every show and sitting second row on the floor just being like, let's fucking go, girls.

[B]

And it was just so thrilling and fun to be like, yeah, we're putting on better shows than the people that you had auditioned and deemed good enough to be on your house teams. But, like, we got callbacks, and then so Shira and I auditioned together because we were like, we do scenes well together, Right? And then I. Keisha, couldn't do that time slot. But then when we all got our callbacks, they separated all of us, and I was like, why not just keep us together and put us on a team, right? Oh, I forgot, because out of a team of eight, you can only have two women. That's how it went, but that's how it Went.

[A]

That's how it went. I mean, and they didn't know what to do with it. I remember, like, Shannon was one of my favorite teachers, and she was like, heather, she was like, you're really talented. She's like, they don't know where to put you because you were just. I was myself in a different way,

[B]

you know, and not.

[A]

Not as in, like, I probably couldn't make it on a team. But she was just like, you need to go character. She's like, you need to go full sketch. You just need to, like, lean in, put on the wigs. Because that's what I wanted to do.

[B]

But I also feel like that is. And I love Shannon, but I feel like that's, like, unfair because I know ucb. Their whole thing is like an everyday man in a crazy situation. What is the unusual thing? But I'm like, go out into the world. There's characters, right? There's fucking weirdos fucking everywhere.

[A]

Everywhere.

[B]

And I think it's really fun to have a mixture of, like, everyday men, weird characters, like, I don't know. I think they can coexist.

[A]

I fully agree, too. When did you start shifting, though, from, you know, were you doing standup and UCB at the same time? Improv?

[B]

No. So I had only been doing improv and sketch, moved to la, did the CBS diversity showcase.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

Which was, I'll say, interesting. And then I got Girl Code. And then after the first season of Girl Code, my manager at the time was like, hey, colleges really want you to, like, come do standup. And I was like, I could do improv, I could do sketches. Should I bring my box of wigs? And he was like, no, no, no.

[A]

Do you have a couple of dick jokes to tell a bunch of 22 year olds?

[B]

I mean, basically. And he was like, you're leaving money on the table if you don't learn. He's like, why don't you take some of your characters and try to write premises around them? And I was like, okay. All right. So that's what I did. My first show was I'd done like maybe three open mics. And then my first show was doing 40 minutes at Rutgers University.

[A]

And if you're gonna start anywhere, Rutgers is a wild place to rip the band aid.

[B]

I'm from Jersey. These are my people.

[A]

Yeah, who's got hpv say yeah.

[B]

Who has Rutgers pv? Because at one point they had their own std. Are you kidding me now? And I don't know if that was a joke that somebody said now that I'm Thinking about it.

[A]

It's fine. You know what? A strain's a strain. You know what I mean? Like, whatever. Yeah.

[B]

But. Yeah, And Emily Heller. Do you know her?

[A]

Yes.

[B]

She opened for me, and I, like, right before the show, panicked, and I was like, I think you should headline. Because, like, like, you've done this. You know how to do this. She was like, these people are here to see you. You're on tv. And I was like, okay. I was like, will you sit right in the front and, like, if I look at you and go, how much time have I done? Will you tell me? And she was like, sure. So then she did it. And then I was like, emily, how much time? She's like, you're at 40. And I was like, I'm at 40, right?

[A]

There's nothing better when you. You're like, I haven't gotten the light yet. And they're like, you've been on your stage for three hours.

[B]

Three hours. You could go home now.

[A]

You're soiled yourself. Get off this date. Get on.

[B]

But in that moment when Emily was like, you're on tv. They came here to see you. I was like, oh. I was like, wait a minute. I think I can make money while learning how to do stand up. But I understood that. I was like, I have to learn how to actually tell a joke.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I cannot ride this because there's some people who've been on television who do stand up. I won't say names because that's rude and I'm old. I'm a demure little girl. But, like, there's some people out there who have ridden that way, and then

[A]

they usually get nominated for said specials,

[B]

and it's really interesting. Yeah. But then they never seem to learn how to tell a joke. And I'm like, why did. Why didn't you. Yeah, why not? So, like, I would go, like, kill it on the weekends at colleges, and then during the week, eat in la, like the Laugh Factory or like. Or the Improv or whatever. Or, like, just a bar show. And just being like, oh, my God. Yeah, it was kind of whiplash. But honestly, it was like, the best. Best. The best.

[A]

That's the best training tool in the entire world. It's. You know, because. And obviously, as a comic, your audience is always going to love you, but that. I am always like, no, I need to go do the show for the entire room of Hispanic men and see if I can make them laugh, because

[B]

people who don't know me, don't know me.

[A]

They're not My demographic, they don't want to like me. They see a white woman coming out and cheetah print and giant hoops, and they're like, no. Yeah. They're like, we hate her. The oppressor. And I'm like, no, guys.

[B]

No, guys, I'm on your side.

[A]

It's called allyship. I'm an ally and I got you. So who. You're just like, I can't. I can't. I had to do a show during Netflix's Joe Comedy Festival, and I was going like, my agent's like, just do as many shows. So I'm like, popping from the store. And then it was like, Ralphie. Was it Ralphie May? No, no, no, no. Who. Who's. No. Whose show was it? Oh, fuck. Gabriel. Oh, Gabriel. Gabriel Iglesias. It was his show. And they were like, just so you know, it is all guys in LA Dodgers hats. It's all cholos. And I went out there and I was like, like, okay. And I'm seeing, like, huge comics bomb before me. People I love, people I love. And I'm like, what the fuck? And so I was like, okay, all right, Heather, they're going to hate you because you're a white blonde girl. I just went out there like, who's got big titties?

[B]

And they're like, girl. You know, sometimes you just have to look at the crowd and read the room and be like, I think you guys will like this.

[A]

That's the thing. So many people just in life in general, don't read the room. That's what I. I'm really realizing so many, many folks are not reading the room.

[B]

Yeah, some people will just do the material instead of being like, I think I gotta adapt it maybe a little bit.

[A]

And then they're pissed when it doesn't work. And you're like, you had to read the room. We had to adjust a little bit. Okay. What were we discussing?

[B]

I simply don't know. But I really do love this Miss Piggy back here.

[A]

Okay, so here's the deal. So I have the best fans. They. They whittle things out of wood. They create. They. They're. They're crocheting, right? They're knitting, they're painting. I mean, I have so much, like, fan shit up here that they make themselves. So I have been obsessed with Miss Piggy for a really long time. She is truly who I am. She's an icon, a legend. She and Joan Rivers are like, who I really think I am because I'm a quarter Jewish. Like, I just that's the inside of me. So I had a major surgery at the end of last year and I got really fucked up on all the pills afterwards. And during my recuperation, I would just buy things Miss Piggy style on Etsy. I mean, I bought thousands of dollars of Miss Piggy gear and it would just start showing up to the house. And my husband like, what is this? Somebody? But I have books on books at home. I have like memorabilia of Miss Piggy. I've just always loved her because she does not give a. And I love that she's making a comeback.

[B]

Same, right? I think they're doing like a Miss Piggy movie.

[A]

They are doing a Miss Piggy movie. And JLaw, you better call me.

[B]

Yes, call us.

[C]

Call us.

[A]

We want to be in the Miss Piggy.

[B]

I want to be in there.

[A]

These days I am all about quality over quantity. And especially in my closet, if it's not well made and versatile, it's just not worth it to me.

[B]

Me.

[A]

That is honestly why I love quints. The fabrics feel elevated, the cuts are thoughtful, and the pricing actually makes sense. You know, I love quints. I bought a couch from Quint. I buy my Mongolian cashmere sweaters from them. I buy all their European linen. I buy the Italian leather. I bought suitcases from them. Travel stuff. I truly love quints. The reason I love them is because they cut out the middleman. So you're getting products that are from a safe, ethical factory. And when they cut out the middleman, you're not paying for the brand markup or the fancy retail store. You're just getting quality clothing. Quince uses 100% European linen. Their cotton poplin is crisp and it holds its shape. The gauze is soft without being flimsy. Everything that they make is built to hold up season after season after season. I'm telling you, you are going to love it right now. Go to quince.com absolutely. For free shipping and 365 day returns. That's a full year to wear it and love it. And you will now available in Canada too. Don't keep settling for clothes that don't last class, go to quince Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Absolutely. For free shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Absolutely. If you're dealing with hair thinning, shedding, or any hair issues in general, then you need to be proactive and get to the root cause of what's going on with that. And this is why I love neutral. Let's be honest, like every two seconds women in America are sold some sort of like miracle product. And here's the deal. I have been steady with neutral fall for the last couple months and I truly have seen such a remarkable difference. I love neutrophil and the reason I love it is because it gets the root problem of what is actually going on underneath. Okay, After I did IVF for the hundredth time, all my hair started to shed and fall out and I knew it was a hormonal issue. One of the other reasons why I love neutrophil is it's drug free and that is such a big deal. 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Let your hair be one less thing to worry about and see visibly thicker, stronger, faster growing hair in three to six months with Nutrafol For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free free shipping when you visit nutrafol.com and enter promo code Absolutely not. That's nutrafol.com spelled N u T R-A F o L.com promo code Absolutely not. I am getting ready to move and I want to get some fabulous things for my new home. And that's why I love shopping at Wayfair. Wayfair is a great spot to find anything you could ever imagine that you'd ever want or need for your space at home. And here's the thing. I can get things for my office. I can get things for my bedroom, my kitchen, the basement, wherever I'm trying to decorate or fill a need and a void in my home. I can do it at Wayfair. I mean, hell, they've got desks. They've got ergonomic chairs, they have shelving. I mean, if you've got kids, they have playroom organization, bedroom updates, anything you can imagine. Whatever the home project is, maybe you just want a spring refresh or you're trying to switch up your aesthetic. They have it at Wayfair. One of the reasons I love Wayfair, it's just so easy to go online and they have have all sorts of pieces within your budget. Plus you can enjoy fast shipping and easy assembly options. And it's just a great way to upgrade your space. It's a no brainer. Wayfair makes it simple to narrow down exactly what works for your style and budget. And I'm going to tell you right now, I love reading the reviews. I can use the filters on Wayfair to get exactly what I want. Find furniture, decor, and essentials that fit your unique style and budget. Head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W A Y X F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. You're going to love it. I can't wait to show you guys what I get from my new space at Wayfair. And again, that's wayfair.com wayfair every style, every home. Now back to the podcast. Who were some of your comedy icons growing up or who did you just gravitate towards that brought you joy that you could see on screen that you're like, this is attainable. I can do this.

[B]

Whoopi Goldberg.

[A]

Oh, hell yeah.

[B]

I. The movie Ghost is one of my favorite movies. Every fucking scene she is in is so deeply funny.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I loved it so much. I loved that costume she wears to the bank is so fabulous. So good. I was just like, oh my God. To be able to wear that. I love Sister Act. I think Sister act is so funny. I love her so much. What is it? Made in America is also great. She's just incredible. There's this insane movie called like something Poison. I don't know. She plays a cop in it. It's great. I love the associate. Like, I love Whoopi's your girl. Love Whoopi.

[A]

And I love Whoopi even more now because she is just like, I'm a little high. I've got a. She loves a funky shoe.

[B]

She loves a funky shoe.

[A]

She loves a funky shoe.

[B]

Irregular Choice is her shoe of choice, I believe. I think that's the company.

[A]

That's the company. Irregular Choice, I believe.

[B]

No. Is that what it is?

[A]

Who's Making her. She did love Jeffrey Campbell. We're getting a new Jeffrey Campbell in Atlanta. Thank God they're coming back. And who's making her oversized blouses?

[B]

I don't know, but I love them.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

They're probably come to garcon.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or like, it's probably like something deeply expensive. They were like, really? That white shirt was $10,000 and you

[A]

have 65 of them.

[B]

Well, all right. I mean, she's earned it.

[A]

She's earned it. Yeah. Whoopy is an icon. She really is. Just, she's. And you. You know, it's so weird to think that she was married to Ted Danson.

[B]

I don't know if they were married. I think they just dated.

[A]

But I. It was such an unusual couple and I loved it. But I remember that specific period in time.

[B]

I think they met on Made in America.

[A]

Yeah, that would make sense. Sexy. A sexy couple.

[B]

Then they broke up.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Which makes me sad.

[A]

It makes me sad. But I do love his new wife, Mary.

[B]

Yes, Mary.

[A]

Mary.

[B]

She's very. She's wonderful. Who else? I love Marisa Tomei and my cousin Vinnie, specifically.

[A]

Well, everyone. Everyone loves her. When she's giving.

[B]

Biological clock is ticking.

[A]

When she is getting questioned on the stand and just lets it rip about the car parts.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

You're just. I get horny for it.

[B]

I love it. So. And I love that she looked beautiful while being funny.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah.

[B]

Because sometimes I feel like they, like, dress women down and they're like, all right, you dowdy bitch, be funny. Yeah.

[A]

That was our entire career at improv.

[B]

Put on that flannel and do make em up.

[A]

That was the thing, too. Even when I was running around and doing shows with other people, I'm like, I have to put on my costume. I have to come out in full animal print, glitter, feathers, fur. That is how I perform.

[B]

That's how I feel comfortable. I always have my nails. I like having my nails.

[A]

Yeah. And what is your. Are we gelling? Are we dipping? What are we doing?

[B]

This is old school acrylic.

[A]

Yeah. Same bitch.

[B]

Same where someone for two hours painted these flowers on. And I love her V. When they

[A]

get out the brush and they dip it in the powder and they just slowly drag it across the nail.

[B]

I love it.

[A]

And you see it get hard. I get hard.

[B]

Same, same. It's like a religious experience to have my nails done. I just love it.

[A]

Yeah, These are beautiful. Are you getting things done in la?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

How often? What's our. Every two weeks.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Hell, yeah. I'm right There with you. I'm going plain right now. I'm allergic to gel, and everybody wants to do the gel art on top, and I can't. I'm fully allergic to gel. Well, I didn't experiment. I can't. So I'm. I'm just. I'm dipping.

[B]

Okay. So that's it. Okay.

[A]

But I'm ready to get back. They look good.

[B]

They look well.

[A]

They're a little crusty.

[B]

They look like acrylics.

[A]

Yeah, they are.

[B]

Are they sturdy? Is this your wedding ring?

[A]

This is my wedding ring, yes.

[B]

Did he pick it out or did you pick it out?

[A]

I picked it out.

[B]

It's really pretty.

[A]

Thank you. But it's funny. It had a different stone in it. It had my birthstone. So my husband's, like, very Italian, from New York. He's got a jeweler in New York. So I've known this guy forever. Like, he's made a lot of my jewelry. So I go in there, and it had an aquamarine. That's my birthstone. And I said, that's exactly what I want. And I tried it on. It was already my size. And he was like, you don't want a diamond. I was like, no, I love aquamarine. I love colored stones. I like something different. That's what I won. And then he surprised me with a diamond. I was like, well, I'm not mad at it because your mother still hates me, so I'll take it.

[B]

Your mother still hates me, so I'll take a dime.

[A]

So I'll take it.

[B]

But, yeah, no, it's beautiful.

[A]

One piece. And then I got the band.

[B]

Oh, you know what I want?

[A]

Do you want to get married?

[B]

I don't know. Sometimes.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Sometimes I'm really, like. Like, yes. Let's have a party.

[A]

Right.

[B]

I would like to have a ceremony where I proclaim my love. I get to wear a pretty dress, and everyone dotes on me for a couple weeks.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then also, I'm like, I don't really need one. So I'm truly. Every single day, it's changing. It's a different journey.

[A]

It's a different journey that. I mean, we're all in this space right now where we're trying to figure it the out. Like, I feel like last year things got weird and dark and. And even, like, good things that happen in life. You still there? Just this weird, weird cloud of, like, no one knows what the fuck's going on. Yes. You know, we forgot about, like, the drones happened. Like, what was going on with the drones? They came, they Hovered. They're gone. Where are they? I thought about that the other day.

[B]

On a motherfucker. So many fucking things happen that we just don't think about anymore.

[A]

The drones are in New Jersey. What are you people in New Jersey saying?

[B]

I don't know. You talked about it for like a little bit and nobody talked about it. Again, I don't know. We stole the president of what? Venezuela. A couple. A couple weeks ago. And I feel like we've moved on.

[A]

We fully moved on and we have.

[B]

We stole him.

[A]

Tina and I have really good friends here from Venezuela in Atlanta. I saw them the next day and they were like, we are so thrilled that this guy's gone, but we also have no fucking idea what's next.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's this weird thing of like, is this good? Is this bad? Is this terrible? Are we bad people? We don't know. No one knows.

[B]

I don't know. But I'm like, hey, world, come get ours. Yes, I'm sure you can find him. Fucking sleeping. He is probably sleep apnea. You probably hear it when you walk in the fucking front door. Go get him.

[A]

I don't know if these videos are real, but I am somehow on Trump farting TikTok. And it is. The people are saying like, he's in. He is incontinent. And I'm literally. It is the funniest where he's like walking through the West Wing and it's just farts and I am crying. I'm sorry.

[B]

It's very, very funny.

[A]

And then, well, RFK just said he was like, yeah, yeah, Trump eats horribly. He's like, he literally eats so poor.

[B]

Obviously, I see it. Yeah, I see it on the man.

[A]

Yeah, it's.

[B]

I also like, for being as rich as he is, why doesn't he wear a tailored suit? Why does he wear off the rack suits that are not tailored?

[A]

You know what? If we're getting tailored, the president should be getting tailored.

[B]

You've embezzled so much money. Yeah, spend a little bit of it.

[A]

Spend a little bit. Well, you know what? Maybe. Maybe he's having the same problem as us. It's hard to find things that fit.

[B]

Maybe, maybe he's going to the men's warehouse and they're like, you're gonna love the way you look.

[A]

And he's like, I will love the way I look.

[B]

Well, guess what? I don't.

[A]

Have you seen that new show about all these women fighting for their. Their place at Mar a Lago? Oh, what is it called? It's on Netflix. I don't want to even want to promote it because it's. I don't want to give them the

[B]

ratings for their place.

[A]

Members only. Members only, Palm Beach. And it's about all these women and the hierarchy of these insane women who've had the worst plastic surgery. What is going on with that? It's a Mar a Lago face.

[B]

What is it feel like? Oh, the left is getting better plastic surgery. But we kind of are. But, like, why do they all look like that?

[A]

I have this theory, as somebody who got some work done, I have a theory that when I got my neck done. Oh, oh, yeah. And I had to get it done twice. It was a whole thing, but I needed it. After I edited my first special, I was like, we gotta tighten that up. But it is wild sometimes when you see a group of women in particular or even, like, gay men do this sometimes where you, like, see a pack of guys and you're like, what happened to the face?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It's almost like they. I don't know if it's Munchausen by Proxy or whatever it is. They all go to the same guy to be able to prove that they can go to the same guy. Either, like, we can all afford that $100,000 facelift, or it's just if that's all you're seeing all day, that's what your eye gravitates towards. I guess it doesn't make sense.

[B]

I think you're right, though, because I simply am the opposite. If I see too many freaks, I'm like, ooh, yeah, Well, I don't want anything.

[A]

I'm with you.

[B]

I'll just keep the face as is.

[A]

I'm with you on that. And I do, like, a small tweak just because it's. I was like, whatever.

[B]

But also do a tweak if you want to do a tweak. I think it looks good straight. I. I would never have known.

[A]

It's the filler. These women on this show. Yes. The filler is the most insane thing.

[B]

Some of the fillers like, being rejected from these faces.

[A]

I saw something the other day that was like, Kristi Gnomes trying to, you know, deal with all these illegal immigrants and get them out, but nobody's going to talk about the migration of the filler on her face.

[B]

I was like, that's amazing. That's very, very funny. But I mean, yeah, they talk about gender affirming care that they don't want people to have it. But I'm like, what is this filler? What are These boob jobs, like, this is all genius. Affirming care.

[A]

These lips were not yours.

[B]

More womanly with bigger DSLs. So, like, let's.

[A]

Was it Lauren Bobert who was the, the lady who was given the hand job at Hamilton? Our Mamma Mia. Was it Lauren Boebert or Laura Loomer? No, Laura Loomer is the. The crazy. Yeah, the Bobert. Remember, she was the Republican just giving hand jobs.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

At Beetlejuice.

[B]

Beetlejuice.

[A]

You know, where I've never felt less horny. Yeah, Beetlejuice. Yeah.

[B]

Wild times we're living in.

[A]

We're living in wild times. But okay, before we get into. I want to do a voicemail with you, but before we get into that real quick, I do believe, like, you are an absolute fucking star. The world is your oyster, whatever you want to do. And everybody listening. You need to watch all Nicole's specials, follow her on. Because you also have, like, three podcasts too.

[B]

I have so many.

[A]

You have so many.

[B]

Yeah. Why won't you date me? Best friends with Sasheer Zamayda y newcomers with Lauren Lapkis were on hiatus because she had a baby. Then she was filming. And then 90 Day Bay with Marcy Jarrow. That is on Patreon, where we watch all of the 90 Day franchises.

[A]

My favorite show, I gotta tune in.

[B]

A deep universe.

[A]

Deep.

[B]

And they're finding a lot of people who maybe shouldn't be on television.

[A]

I would say 99% of the people on 90 Day Fiance should not be on television.

[B]

I'm having a nice time.

[A]

Well, then after you watch that, watch members only and report back and let me know if it fills that nat that, that tacky void in your heart that you need for trash television.

[B]

Yes, I, I, I will watch it because I did watch all of Hunting Wives, which was one of the most insane things I've ever seen. Did you watch it?

[A]

Oh, I watched it.

[B]

Oh, God.

[A]

I had to interview them on the red carpet. I was like, how are we doing, ladies? Like, I didn't even know what to say. I was like, are y' all good?

[B]

Are we all right? Yeah. Are we in therapy? That's so funny.

[A]

Okay, so you're doing the podcast. You're on tour right now. And one thing that I really like to say, though, is, like, you can see we have some vision boards here. These are the old ones. I just did my new one. We're, we're all about an oral manifestation.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Audibly saying what you want. What is on the vision board? The 10 year goal, the 5 year goal for the one and only Nicole Byer.

[B]

Honestly, to keep working and doing shit with people I like and doing things that align with like, what I think is funny. Yeah. Also creating with friends.

[A]

Yeah, I love that.

[B]

So she and I, we write together. Like, doing a show with her would be incredible. Yeah. And I just want to, like, honestly, I just want the world to like, be better. Yes.

[A]

Same same.

[B]

Which is such a pageant answer. But like, I'm like, nah, we need a break.

[A]

It is a level right now. And we'll get into like a really cheesy voicemail. But it is a level of me feeling like other people don't have empathy. And that's so. I don't even want to. Want to just say, like, disheartening. But truly.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I. I see stuff on the Internet and it's so dark. I'm like, wow. Yeah, wow. And also on the other side of it, like, some days it's hard to have a sense of humor because.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

It feels so hopeless.

[B]

I agree. I agree. I'm like, should I go back on my anti depression?

[A]

Don't worry, we'll send you home with enough. We juice when you leave here. All right. Heart pivot. Okay. So we want to be making fun stuff with friends and just finding the joy again.

[B]

I just want to be like laughing all the time. I just want to have a nice time.

[A]

Okay, well, let me tell you something. If you want to have a nice time, you should get these mushrooms that I got at Home Goods. Do you ever hit a Home Goods? Do you like domestic things?

[B]

I. I love Home goods.

[A]

I love hitting Home Goods.

[B]

Mushrooms from Home Goods.

[A]

I bought these. And this is not sponsored. These Alice mushrooms. I'm. You know when you're going through the. The checkout at Home Goods, there's like kettle corn, popcorn, Dubai chocolate, and then there are these little mushrooms. The brand's called Alice. I think they're adaptogens. I bought two kids. I took a chocolate mushroom before I went to bed the other night, bought this 11.99 at Home Goods. I've never had better sleep. I was fucking laughing my ass off. And everyone's like, these aren't psychedelic. They're adaptogen. I'm like, bullshit.

[B]

What's adaptogen?

[A]

Adaptogens, like if it's got reishi or lion's mane or other things where they're like, not medicinal mushrooms, but they're. They're supplement mushrooms, girl. These were. I was on another planet.

[B]

I'm dying that Home Goods. Home Goods is like, you wanna get fucked Up. You buy some funky ceramics. You won't get fucked. Up. Up.

[A]

You bought some party platters. Let's get up.

[B]

Get up. I'm into it. I'm saying, Alice is the brand.

[A]

Alice is the brand. They have not sent me a check. They have not sent me product. I was on another planet. And so if you want a good time and you need to, like, get back to your roots, because I go to a HomeGoods, like, you know, once a week just to go touch a throw pillow and feel grounded.

[B]

Same. And I used to just buy things at Home Goods, but now I've gotten into the routine of filling up my cart and then taking another lap and putting it all away, going, I don't need any of this.

[A]

I don't need seven more spatulas and a dog bed. Yeah.

[B]

Love it.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Just gimme.

[A]

When I left there, I said, wow. I realize that the person who's running the buy, who's the buyer for Home Goods, knows that there are other women like us.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Going through putting things in our cart, getting duvets for guest rooms. We don't have.

[B]

I don't have one.

[A]

And then just you go through, you get your kettle corn, you get your Dubai chocolate, and then you're like, you know what? The world is on fire. I'm gonna get some mushrooms.

[B]

I'm gonna get these little mushrooms. Yeah.

[A]

All right. We're gonna find. We're go. This year's gotta be better. It does feel like it started off rough, but it's gotta be.

[B]

I. You know, I think it's gonna be my year.

[A]

Yeah, it's a year of the horse. All right, Tina, hit us with a. A voicemail.

[C]

Heather, this is someone from Charleston. I'm gonna remain honest for reasons to be disclosed, but obviously not to, like, weird sex dreams with your boss. I have recently got a promotion, and ever since then, I'm gonna have this, like, very explicit, like, raunchy, raunchy blowjob involved sex dreams with the boss. And then you wake up the next morning and your boss is like, hey, what are you doing? Absolutely not. Like, what is it about the female fucking psyche that we have this, like, do men have this, like. I don't know, but absolutely not having to deal with, like, blowjob dreams with your boss just because you got a fucking promotion that you absolutely earned. So. Yeah. Absolutely not. Ugh, gross. Okay. Okay, thanks. This call.

[A]

Yeah, we gotta. We gotta dissect that. Okay. Yeah. Hit me.

[B]

She asked. She was like, do men have the same thing? I'm like, no, they're not kind enough to go home and have that thought. They're literally looking at you being like, I wonder what them sloppy titties look like. Or like I see them. Like they, they don't wait. They like salivate at you openly.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But honestly, I think that's like a fun. Like that's my little secret.

[A]

But it's not because she definitely called into a, a syndicated podcast. I'm wondering though, is he hot? Like, I have follow up questions. I want to know is, is boss a daddy or is right. Like are we have more feelings towards this? I have inappropriate sex dreams all the time. But you know what's weird? I can never follow through. It's like I'm about to cheat or I'm about to do something but nothing ever happened happens. It's like I always know I've never had a dream where my husband has not been lurking in a cloud somewhere being like, this is wrong.

[B]

What are you doing? Which I'm sure he's.

[A]

He, he does full force in his dreams.

[B]

I feel like I'll have thoughts I don't like. Remember all of my dreams. All of my dreams are very strange. The last dream I had, I was pulling a cake from a top shelf and it fell on my back and then my friend washed it out with snow. My dreams don't make any sort of sense, but like I'll have daydreams about people and yeah, I'll fuck em in my daydreams.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

But then like if it's a boss or someone I work with, I'm not like, I don't, I don't feel weird about it. Cause it was just a dream.

[A]

It was just a dream. And dear listener, if you, you know, listen, you cannot tell. You cannot even confide in your friends. You need to keep this.

[B]

This is your mental secret.

[A]

Yeah, this is your mental secret. And maybe you're feeling a little. Some type of way. You're maybe a little grateful towards him because he gave you the promotion. You did the Sheryl Sandberg thing, you leaned in, you asked for it, you got what you wanted. Now I don't know why she's bl. It'd be one thing if it was a little more like he's coming onto her, but she's blowing him. So I'm a little worried about a dynamic there.

[B]

I honestly think, okay, I'm interpreting this dream as you're blowing him because you're ready to do above and beyond to get further ahead in your career.

[A]

Uh huh. Climb that corporate Ladder and climb that boss.

[B]

Yes. One dick at a time. Raise up the corporate ladder. That's honestly what I think the dream's about. I think you're trying to, like, blow your boss to make him happy so he promotes you again.

[A]

But what all you really need to do is make sure your sales are up for Q3. As long as the you hit the numbers, you don't have to sleep with

[B]

your boss and your Excel sheets clean. I don't know what anybody does.

[A]

We've never worked in corporate America.

[B]

Q3. Excel. Ding, ding. We got it.

[A]

Floppy disk removed.

[B]

Removed. Hard drive put over here.

[A]

I've never had, even in like, my shitty hospitality jobs, I've never had. Had a man that I've worked with. You know, you always have a work crush, but it would be like the four foot dishwasher who. Not physically my test. I'd always have a work crush. I'd never been in a situation where I'm like, that's the one. And especially in comedy, when you hang out backstage with these guys, you're like, I wouldn't any of y'. All. And then I have girls DM me and they're like, what's it like working with such and such? I'm like, nightmare.

[B]

Yes, truly. Truly. Some of your icons are fucking pieces of. Yeah, yeah. At work, I remember I worked at this one place where the bartender, I was like, oh, my God. And then Lane Bryant. No.

[A]

Right.

[B]

My boss literally looked like White Shrek. I guess. Fiona. Yeah. I'm trying to think. I. I've truly never worked anywhere where I was like, oh, my God. My boss.

[A]

Working at Soul Cycle was the wildest thing because people would come in and want to actively get through me to get to a Soul Cycle instruction that they thought wanted to fuck them. And I had to tell these women. So, I mean, I would, like, get them in the class. Like, can you move my bike? I want to be bike 6. So I'm right in his, like, sweaty crotch. And I would have to tell him, like, his girlfriend is a. Like, he is flirting with you in order to make money to get you in the class. You're not fucking him. It's not gonna happen. And I would placate them a little bit. Like, girl, I got you. I moved your bike for bike 20 in the back. You are number six now. Can I have a Chipotle gift card? You know, I knew how to work it.

[B]

I also have fantasies like that every time I see Beyonce in concert, I'm like, she will see me. And she Will take me away from this life.

[A]

That's how I feel about Jessica Chastain. She follows me on Instagram, and we've DMed a couple of times. Like, once I saw Molly's Game, and maybe it's because my mom's a redhead. I don't know what it is. There's some sort of thing there. But if I had.

[B]

There's just like a.

[A]

If I was gonna. Yeah. If I was gonna be with a woman, it would be with Jessica Chastain.

[B]

She's so beautiful.

[A]

She's so beautiful.

[B]

Stunning.

[A]

Stunning. Always in Gucci and, you know, like a little Gucci moment.

[B]

Ugh. Have you seen the new collection of Gucci Wademna? Yes.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

It's good. There is this stunning, stunning, stunning. I don't even know if it's a coat or, like, a robe, but it's, like, fluffy, and there's fur, and I. I audibly screamed. Yeah, it's beautiful.

[A]

When Gucci does it right, they do it right. In the last couple years. I'm sorry, Gucci, but you were doing it wrong. We needed a new designer.

[B]

Yes. Well, when I was Alessandro. Michelle is his name. When he left, there was a little, like, what are we doing?

[A]

It got a little farty.

[B]

That's the best way to get it a little wayward.

[A]

A lot of browns. Yeah.

[B]

Without any sort of whimsicality or fun. And that's why I like Gucci, because it's fun.

[A]

When I buy a glitter bag, it's Gucci. When I'm buying something that's got some sort of stripe and, like, a feather on it, it's Gucci.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm a Gucci girl.

[B]

I'm a Gucci gal, too.

[A]

I want them to dress me, but then they also say, we don't make your size.

[B]

Yes, they do.

[A]

They do.

[B]

I think they go up to a 16, but it's like a European.

[A]

But it's a European. So it's really. I think it's like a 48, which

[B]

I'm really like that. Yeah. I could.

[A]

Now I could wear the men's blazers. I could try that. And I. And I have a big foot, so I buy the men's loafers. Oh, yeah.

[B]

That's smart.

[A]

Yeah. Do you have a big foot?

[B]

Yeah. Yeah. What are you, an 11?

[A]

Yeah, same. I'm a same. Okay.

[B]

Sometimes I'm a 12. Yeah. And European size shoes. I'm a 12.

[A]

And boots. Sometimes I'm a 12. You know who. Who's been. You know who's been an ally to us for a really long time. And she doesn't get enough credit. My girl Jessica Simpson, she makes such good large footed for big footed bitches.

[B]

The best shoes I simply haven't tried.

[A]

Go get a boot. You can get a fabulous fucking French glitter boot from our girl Jessica Simp in a size 11 and it'll change your fucking life.

[B]

All right.

[A]

You know, and I'm a high low gal. I like a little Gooch and I like a little Jessica Simp.

[B]

Same, same. I love mixing. I mix like thrift store like $2 things with things that are very expensive

[A]

because you're fabulous and you're wonderful and you're a star.

[B]

Thank you.

[A]

And Nicole, where can everybody find you on the road and in life and get your book and all the things and listen to you? Because I just. Everything that you do, I love. And I, I've just been following you for truly so long, since we were sitting on a floor in a basement at an improv club. And to see you thrive and, and just be fucking fabulous, it's just such a joy for me.

[B]

Heather. I feel the same way. That's why I was like, absolutely. I'll do this fucking podcast while I'm like on the road. Who cares? I think you're incredible. But people can find me on Instagram on. I'm still on Twitter. I think it's very funny. That's all. At Nicole Byer on TikTok. I barely post. That's Nicole Byer was taken. My website is Nicole byerstaken.com I'll be in Olsen Run Comedy club in Eugene, Oregon.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

January 29th, 30th and 31st. And then I'm at the Den theater in February taping my special on the 21st and then just doing shows on the 20th.

[A]

Hell yes. The Den in Chicago. Yeah. One of the best. One of the best.

[B]

I've never performed there. I'm excited.

[A]

I almost shot my special. This next coming special almost shot there. But everybody who's shot specials there says it's the one of the best places to shoot specials.

[B]

I'm really excited.

[A]

It's gonna be great. And what is our outfit?

[B]

Are you.

[A]

Can you tell us?

[B]

Have you picked Leopard Prince? Yes, my queen with a hint of purple. Because I've worn purple in all my specials, so I like that more. Except for my crowd working when I wear black because I was like, well, no, it's gonna fit together. It ended up being fine.

[A]

As always. You can follow us, you know, at. Absolutely not on the Twitters and the Instagrams and all the bullshit and call into the hotline [phone]. Nicole thank you for being here. Everybody. Follow Nicole. Go see her on the road. She's a dream and a gem, and we are rooting for bad bitches in the biz. And you can find us on the next episode of the Absolute Not Podcast. Chabella River D by thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. C. You guys soon.