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There's nothing like the American Express Platinum card. Find out your welcome offer after you apply, which could be as high as 175,000 points. Learn more and find out your offer@americanexpress.com Explore Platinum terms apply the following podcast is a Dear Media Production welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon.
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A fire.
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Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you're doing well. Gotta be honest with you, I'm feeling a little frisky today. I am, I am. I'm feeling a little. A little raw dog. Haven't had a white wine hangover in quite some time. That's a lie. That's a lie. See, what happens is. Here's my excuse. 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. What happens is I work every weekend during the school semesters, right? I'm at work. So I'm not partying. You guys are partying. You have every weekend off. And so then when summertime comes around, I have about eight weeks. Eight weeks of just like, I hit the ground running and I was drinking on a Monday night. And I'm not proud of that. I'm not proud of that. My doctors are also gonna be very upset with me because I've had a recent diagnosis, which we're gonna get into here in a second. But I think I hit the summers harder than most people because this is my time off. And then when we're back to work, it's. We're back to work, school's out for summer, and everybody's pretty much going back to work next week. AKA all the kids in Georgia are going back the first week of August. How is it fucking August? How is it fucking August? I can't. I hate to be that person, but I can't. I don't know. I don't. Don't know how it is the August yet. But anywho, feeling a little frisky. You know, it has come to my attention that I. It's hard to even podcast today. Cause my brain feels like scrambled eggs. And that's embarrassing. That's embarrassing. I've had electrolytes. I took a cold shower. The best I could do is a slick back. Like I'm not well right now. Big shout out to Target. I bought a white T shirt there that covers my camel toe. And I'm very excited that I found a white T shirt that is like oversized. And I can Wear it with my little Princess Diana bike shorts and skeet around town, and, you know, you don't see my lips. So I'm very. That is a positive today. But absolutely, we need to get back into just naming what the absolute nots and absolutely yeses. So here we go. We're just gonna dive right into this week's episode. I am all over the place, but absolutely not to a recent diagnosis of gout. That's right, ladies and gentlemen, I'm a survivor, A victim, a survivor. I am, you know, currently living with it. I never thought in a million years if I could look into a crystal ball as a child and say, heather, you know what? What are you gonna do with your life? Where are you gonna go? What are your hopes and dreams? I just never saw my fortune telling me that I was going to be dealing with gout, handling it as gracefully as I have. But yes, ladies and gentlemen, I've had a recent diagnosis of the gouts. What is gout? Well, let's jump right into it. Before I even look up the actual medical definition, when I had heard gout before, anytime I heard a friend had gout, I'm like, oh, it's a diabetic foot. Or, okay, it's because they're morbidly obese. They're on that show my Thousand pound sister on TLC. It's like people who would eat 40 pounds of pork chops every day, lay in bed. I just figured that that's who got gout. You know, they call it the rich king's disease because I guess kings back in the day used to get gout from eating chicken livers, drinking red wine, and throwing stones at peasants. I don't know. But that's just what I. That's what I got. And I don't know, because I moved into a new home in a higher tax bracket that I've now got gout. That. That's a part of me because it's a rich king's disease. Speaking of which, I. We just got our property taxes. We're gonna have to move in about. I'd say probably. I give it six months. We'll be out there. The other wild part about having gout is I definitely didn't see this coming. I thought I was going to get that cyclosporasis, the Caesar salad disease, way quicker than gout. I thought I would be on the toilet looking up at Jeff, being like, this is the last moment I thought for sure a Chinese chicken salad, some loose produce was going to take me down before gout was. So I think that's why I'm just thrown off a little bit, is because I didn't see this. I went on the poly markets to see the cyclosporus cases in the US by August 31st. How many do you think? How many other people you think are going to be absolutely bleeding out of their assholes by then? It says. What does it say? 68% believed. Oh, my God. 10,000 plus. That's not good, guys. That's not a good number. That's. That's a lot of people. Well, actually, I guess not. I mean, you can. Even on polymarket, you could check out how many cases that you think that the US Will have by. By the end of summer, by Labor Day weekend, if those numbers arise. And it ain't great. I mean, also, this plays into the fact that I was trying to be healthy. I was trying to be so healthy. So you're telling me I start meal prepping and then I get gout? Make that make sense? Make it make sense to me. So here you go. You can eat salad all day long, but your. Your colon's gonna fall out of your asshole. Here I was eating ground turkey and grilled chicken, and now I got a fat foot that I gotta sell on onlyfans. Make it make sense for me. Make it make sense. Anyways, my point is, I had such a stigma around what I thought gout was, and then I found out it can hit anybody. Thin, thick, tall, short, Asian, Mexican, Caucasian, anybody. Doesn't matter. Gout will find you. It doesn't discriminate. If you've been eating richly or have too much uric acid in your system, it's going to pop up, it's gonna get you. It's gonna bite you hard. So here's what happened with the gouts. Speaking of which. Hold on. You ever notice how, like, the shows, like My Thousand Pound Sisters, and if you've ever seen any episodes of, like, a Hoarders or a My Strange Addiction, where they're addicted to eating, like, 45 pork chops. All of these people have lovers, and they always have, like, one thin man, like, every. And I'm not talking about heavy women. I'm talking about, like, morbidly obese. Like, we gotta get. We gotta put. You know, it's a medical condition. We gotta put you in. In the van. They have no legs. Like, it's a thing. You know what I'm talking about? I'm not even being, like, silly about it, but I'm talking £600 and up where we're immobile, there's always behind every really morbidly obese woman. I'm talking 606 Hondo. And up. Is a slender man. His name is always Tyler and he just feeds mama pork chops. And I know that's gotta be a kink on his end. I was talking about this with my buddy Jared. I do think that we need to start shaming people for some kinks. Right? I think we need to bring back shaming in general. Absolutely. Yes to bringing back shame. I just think a lot of folks are doing the yapping and they're going out into the world being insanely annoying, and we don't shame enough. I'm not saying be negative, but I do think that shaming was around for a reason. Okay, sit with that for a moment. We'll come back. So I'm just. It's just something I've observed on the interwebs that most people, 600 pound and up. Always have a thin man named Tyler who just feeds them pork chops and rubs their gout feet. And I. I just feel like, you know, is that Jeff for me? I don't know. Is he. Is he trying to pork me up? Is there a. Is there a fetish? I didn't even realize a kink that I didn't even realize that Jeff had. Cause he started calling me his little gout girl all week. Now, all this started because I woke up the other morning. I went to go put pressure on my foot, and it was like I had a broken ankle. I could not walk. I was like, I can't walk and I have a high pain tolerance. Your girl was crawling to the bathroom. Jeff's like, what did you do? I'm like, dude, I have no idea. Did I roll my ankle in the middle of the night? Did I fall down a flight of stairs? I can't remember. Like, I am really racking my brains for some sort of injury. I am searching high and low to figure out what I did. So I'm asking the Googles, I'm asking all the things, and I cannot figure this out.
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It's like.
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And gout pops up as an option. I'm like, there's no way. There's no way, dude. And here's the real kicker. I had been meal prepping all of last week. I was actually probably for the first time in many moons and eating very healthy. Jeff and I were cooking at home. We were making, like, you know, healthy versions of Asian bowls and shit like that. You know, like the healthy version Of a yum Yum sauce. We were like, instead of. Instead of good mayonnaise, I'm gonna put a little Greek yogurt in it. And if you wanna make something healthy, all you do is swap out mayo for Greek yogurt. Does it kick the way you want it to? It does not. It doesn't. But when you're trying not to have your foot fall off. Yeah, you gotta swap out the Greek yogurt. So I was doing Skinny Girl, Skinny Girl, yum Yum sauce all fucking week. Maybe that's what sent me over the edge and I couldn't walk. So when I read God, I'm like, there's no fucking way. I've been so healthy this week. I've been hydrated. I haven't been drinking. I have been eating the ground turkey, doing the grilled chicken. There's no fucking way. What is gout? Gout is a painful type of inflammatory arthritis caused by a buildup of uric acid crystals in the joints. It leads to sudden, severe attacks of pain, swelling, redness, most often affecting the big toe. That was the other thing. What in the big toe? Am I in desperate need of a pedicure? I am. That is what is afflicting that area of the foot. But it was like the top of my foot was swollen a little red. Horrifically painful. But I was like, I can't walk. This is a tendon problem. Right. I probably rolled an ankle. The ankles are so thin, and I've had so much grilled chicken that they. The ankles are whittling away. They're wasting away this week. Where are they? We can't see them. So they couldn't support because I was just obviously shredding so much weight so quickly from having grilled chicken for, like, two days in a row that the top of my foot, it was just like my fat foot could not be supported by. By this ankle. I just figured that that's what was happening. It was just accelerated weight loss, and my body was just absolutely in a panic mode. It often starts suddenly, frequently overnight. The joint feels hot, stiff, very tender to the touch. Flares usually last a week or two with no symptoms in between. Attacks, causes and triggers. Uric acid buildup happens when the body makes too much uric acid or the kidneys remove too little. Dietary factors. Eating high purine foods like red meat, organ meat, and certain seafoods, and drinking beer and sugary sodas. Risk factors being overweight. There you go. Okay, so I read this. I'm like, I'm not eating pate. I'm not eating chicken livers. Like, what are we talking about here? There's no way. There's no way. There's no way. People online DMing me left and right. Hey, girl, think you got the gout? Hey, no shame and gout. Pretty sure you got gout. So I tell Jeff, I'm like, huffing and puffing. I'm like, can you believe this shit? Can you believe this shit? That people think that I have gout? That I am just some fat Victorian woman sitting in her house all day with one piece of furniture because nothing's arrived yet. And I'm just over. They just think I'm eating bon bons. You know, they just think. They just think that they're the queen and I'm the sorry people. Bacon is good for me. So then I start just now that. Now that I. People are attacking me online, saying that I have gout. I go full King Curtis on their ass. And if you don't know King Curtis, I'm gonna give you three seconds to look it up. Okay? You locked in. Great. Bacon is good for me. I'm like, who the fuck do these people think they are? I don't have gout. Wow, they're fat. Shaming me. So I have a wide foot. Here we go, Internet bullying. Da, da, da. Whatever. I go to an orthopedist, they put me in a boot. I'm hot, huffing and puffing. Walking out of this orthopedic's office like. I'm like, I can't. I can't fucking drive in the boot. I'm taking the boot off. The boot is adding too much pressure to the top of my fat foot. What's happening? When did I fall down a flight of stairs? Jeff, are you beating me in the middle of the night? And I'm not aware of it? Like, I can't handle this. I am spiraling and I am talking so much shit to the gal community. I go back, I do a 45 minute MRI. They're like, you got it. You must have ripped a tendon. There's no way. Foot doctor comes in, shout out to Dr. Finney. He said, listen, I've been seeing a lot of your Instagram posts and hate to tell you toots, but I'm leaning towards gout. I am sweating through my T shirt. The physician assistant, who I now am friendly with, shout out to Ashby, is sitting in the room and she's like, I think you got gout. I go, there's no fucking way I have gout tail between my Legs. I'm like a beaten dog. You know, my ears just kind of slowly curl over. I am sweating through my new Target T shirt and my new Target shorts so bad that the wax paper is wet in the. In the examination room. I'm mortified. I'm now showing this man my busted fucking pedicure. And I'm like, you know, I did slip getting into the pool the other day. And I see the cut on my toe, see the cut on my big toe. I think I accidentally hit the top of my foot as well. And he goes, hey, hey, hey. He said, ather, this is a safe space. But I gotta tell you all the time, this happens a couple times a day. People come in here with a fat fucking foot. They get gout, and then all of a sudden, they're trying to backtrack and come up with mystery injuries. Hate to tell you, but you just need to lean in and know that you've probably had too much steak and red wine while you were in Europe. It is what it is. We got a buildup. We're gonna give you a steroid shot. And if the ste. What I heard from him was if the steroid shot worked the next day, then it was tendonitis. He's like, it could also be tendinitis, tendinosis, you know, tenderoni. I don't know what the fuck it was, but I'm thinking, we're gonna get a shot the next day, I'm gonna feel fantastic, and then we'll know I didn't have gout. I wake up the next day, I'm tap dancing for the Lord. I'm over here like Selena. Bidi bidi bum bum. Just on the tip of my toes, ready to do some pointe ballet. I am back. And again, the toes never hurt. It was the top of the foot. So I'm like, there's no way. There's no way I have gout. I go to dinner that night. I'm feeling I've got a sandal on. I'm showing my thin foot now. I'm like, we've already de puffed. I'm feeling great. I'm vacuuming the house. I'm inviting friends over. Cause I'm not living under an umbrella of gout shame. I don't have to hide who I am. I'm like, I'm gout free. I never had it. I'm at Y Bar, our new spot in Atlanta, and Ashby, the physician's assistant, comes up to me and she goes, hey, I hate to tell you, saw your Instagram Videos this morning, I'm like 99% sure you have gout and you need to put down the pasta and that in that cocktail immediately. And I was like, I can't even go out to dinner on a Saturday night in Atlanta without my medical team hunting me down and telling me, you've got gout confirmed. I was like, but I thought the steroid shot meant if I felt better today that it was 10 tonight. And she goes, well, no, but me and. Me and the doc had been texting and we've been watching your Instagram stories and we're pretty sure you have gout. I was like, are you fucking kidding me? So then I text the doctor, I say, hey, listen, I need to know two things right now. I'm either gonna get really drunk tonight because this is the last weekend with this foot. I'm also contacting my attorney to trademark the name gout Girl, because I need to know how long this flare up might last, because either we're gonna monetize this or I'm gonna hug my foot before you remove it on Monday. He was like, no need for removal. Definitely go ahead and call your attorney to get that trademark because you could be making some big bucks with this. And this is where I go back to kink shaming. I will kink shame anybody but the gout foot community, because if. If flare ups are something that I'm going to be living with for the rest of my life, I'm making a profit on it. I called my publicist, I called my agents, I called my manager, and I said, I'm going to need you all to get on the horn, call big pharma, find out whatever pharmaceutical cures the fucking gout. And I am expecting. I am expecting a Super bowl commercial with my face being like, Hi, I'm Heather McMahon. Gout got me when I least expected it. I was gallivanting through Europe wearing a bald cap at a Pitbull concert. I guess I had had too many white wines and steak kebabs at concession. I come home from a beautiful vacation and I can't walk. Crippled, writhing in pain, crawling across my bathroom floor. Why? Because I got gout from indulging in too many fabulous things abroad. And now I want you to know that gout can. Gout can get anybody. Young, old, thin, or thick as an oak tree. It can get you. But if you take one pill of, you know, and then we'll put the medicine, if you take once a day, you can live free, unchained by the oppressor of Gout. Okay. I don't know. Now we're getting crazy. But it's going to be dramatic. It's going to be dramatic. This might be one of the most serious things that I ever do in my life, but if I don't have a Super bowl commercial with Eli Lilly or some major pharmaceutical Pfizer, I don't care. I'm selling out for gout. I need you to know that I'm selling out for gout. Now, people started to come for me. Heather told you you had gout. Why you need to apologize. Because we all said you had gout, and now you have fucking gout and you need to apologize. First of all, I'm never apologizing. I'm doubling down. You need to apologize to me for now attacking me as somebody who is actively living with gout. Wow. You're going to attack somebody who's going through a medical crisis? Shame on you. Truly, shame on you. I'm a single mom who works two jobs, who loves her kids and never stops with the gentle hand in the heart of a fighter. I'm a survivor. Don't know if that's the lyrics. We went with it. So if you see me hobbling around, I feel great right now. But if you see me hobbling around, if you see me hit the deck. I asked for nothing but a hand up and maybe a little slice of salami to keep me. Keep me inflamed enough so that I can keep continuing to make gout girl content. I will kink shame you if you're into any other weird shit. But if you're into my fat foot right now, there's gotta be a market for it because I have to buy furniture, dude. Absolutely not to how fucking expensive furniture and rugs are. Holy shit. You want a 10 by 14, you might as well sell a kidney and post some. Some photos of your gout foot online to a couple perverts or you ain't gonna have anything under your feet. So I gotta start an onlyfans? Absolutely yes to me starting an onlyfans. Under the name Goutgirl, I will be showing photos of my. The fat, fat part of my foot. I'll show face to and a little nip. I don't care. I have to buy furniture for my house. And if we're going to lean in, we're going to lean all the way in. I'll do white toenails. Hell, I'll get some sort of cool Japanese pedicure where they can do the art on the toe and it's like a. You know, I don't know. We'll get little figurines on the toes. I don't know what we're going to do, but it's. I'm excited about it. You know, I'm an entrepreneur. And you have two options in this world. You can either let things make you or break you. And I'm not letting gout take me down. I will fight with y' all in the DMs. Heather, you need to apologize. We all knew you had it, and you're being stubborn. I will not. How dare you? Do you know what? I have been through a little less of reflux there. There's the uric acid. It's coming up. I did have horrific acid reflux for, like, three weeks in Europe. And so I asked the doctor, I was like, does this have anything to do with it? He's like, you don't even know how the human body works. No, Heather, your acid reflux from drinking too many, like, Pimm's Cups at Wimbledon did not equal your fat foot. It's not. Just shut up. Just shut up and take the steroid shot and shut the fuck up. So absolutely not to my medical situation, you know, that's. That's just where I've been. That's what I've been surviving, dealing with. I'm doing the best I can. And to those of y' all who are so empathetic and kind and just gave me words of encouragement, I appreciate you. Thank you. And I will. I will share in my big Pfizer, big Pharma money as soon as those checks start rolling in. So, again, putting it out to my team. Would love a Super bowl gout pharmaceutical commercial. I would love that. Because I need to buy new furniture. Okay, great. If you want to enjoy yourself and you want a date with the girls, or you want to hang out, or you want to go use a fabulous spa or a pool, but you don't want to spend all the money to get a babysitter overnight. And, you know, the kids are only in camp for, like, six hours. You're like, where can we tear it up during the day? But we don't have to get a hotel to stay overnight to enjoy all the perks of a spa or pool. Well, I got you Resort Pass. Here is the concept. Resort Pass gives you access to luxury hotel pools, spas, and cabanas for the day. No overnight stay, no membership. You just book it. 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And use code Absolutely for $20 off your first booking of $100 or more. Resortpass.com Absolutely. Code Absolutely. Resort Pass. The day is yours. Honey. I found my new favorite thing. Okay? And I'm gonna tell you right now, if there are two words in the English language that I was practically begging someone to combine. It was THC and. Oh, that's right. THC Rose. Well, don't worry. I have great news. The team at Silent Flower was smart enough to listen to my inner monologue and launched one earlier this year. It's fricking incredible. The team at Silent Flower is a relatively new addition to my list of stalkers. And honestly, I couldn't be happier. I mean, no, literally, they. They have my number and they've been texting me because, holy shit, it is so good. And I've been hearing from my girlfriends talk about it, and they were all like, oh, we're drinking a mahjong. And I finally tried it for the first time. And I can safely say that Silent Flowers THC rose is already my favorite drink for the summer. And I'm telling you what, I've been drinking too much of the alcoholic stuff and I need to bounce to my good THC rose. Made from California Chardonnay and cabernet grapes, silent flower is just 35 calories, less than half that of a glass of traditional rose. And with the perfect amount of rapid onset THC for the perfect amount of uplift. Not to mention, it's non alcoholic. So not only do I have a great time in the Martini room, I sleep like one of those annoying life hackers who gets eight hours of sleep every night. I wake up feeling fresh as a spring Daisy, avoiding the grumpy morning afters. I'm telling you, that is my biggest life hack now is that's why I feel like I want to get totally off off the alcoholics. Because I can't. I. It ruins my sleep. I can't do it. I, I'm just, I'm, I'm hurting. But I love Drink Silent Flower. And you can visit drinksilentflower.com golf-widow and use code absolutely at checkout for 15 off your first order. That's drinksilentflower.com Golf- Widow and use code absolutely at checkout for fifteen percent off. And definitely follow them on their Instagram at Drink Silent Flower. Their content is great. I have been getting some fabulous things for my new home and I got some gorgeous stuff at Wayfair. And you know how expensive furniture can be. Well, what I love about Wayfair is great prices. Okay. And stuff that is built to last. Shop with Wayfair Verified. Your shortcut to durable pieces hand vetted by product specialists using a 10 point quality inspection, testing things like quality of materials, functionality and features and even how long it takes to build. So when I was shopping, I really started to make sure that I was looking at the Wayfair Verified stuff. Like I got barstools and I'm like, all right, there's so much to choose from. Sometimes it can get overwhelming with the amount of options I'm going to click on like the Wayfarer Verified. So I know that it's been through a 10 point inspection just to make my like, peace of mind a little bit easier. Also, Wayfair rewards members, they get 5% back every day, helping you get more value from your Wayfair purchases. Find options that you can fit your style and your budget. I'm telling you can shop across a wide range of price points and find what's right for you. I got my bar stools from Wayfair. I got a table from Wayfair. It's getting delivered tomorrow. I got two different rugs from Wayfair, a kitchen table, my kitchen chairs. And I've had the most fun shopping on Wayfair. Here's the deal. Join Wayfair Rewards today and get 5% back on every purchase and start saving on your next home Upgrade. Head to Wayfair.com to shop all things home. That's W a Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. Again, that's Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, Every home that is Wayfair.com what's another. Absolutely not right now. Absolutely not to being alone with my own thoughts. Recently, you know, we moved so that we could have some peace and quiet and just we're, you know, it was time, it's normal for a married couple to like, live in their own space. And I realized being alone with my own thoughts in my home on a Sunday afternoon while Jeff plays golf is a scary place to be. I thought it was gonna be comforting. And I just realized things are moving up here at a rapid pace and I don't like being alone. Right. I really don't. I mean, I'm texting everybody in the Rolodex, people that I think might be a little shady. I'm like, you wanna come to my new house? Just so I don't have to be alone and alone with my own thoughts. So absolutely not to being alone with your own thoughts. Cuz that is a crazy place to be right now. Absolutely not to the fact that rugs are so fucking expensive. Just throwing that one out there. And absolutely, yes to happy families. Wanna say real quick, I went to the Noah Kahn concert last night. It was so incredible. I mean, he's just the best. Like, his shows are unreal. I love his new album, the Great Divide. And I have this weird connection with Noah. And I told him this at the Grammys. He has not ever opened DM, has not responded to any of my DMs. We are not like friends, but. And I said this on Instagram last night, but I was so nervous to play Radio City. And when you play Radio City, you have to sign a guest book. And in the guest book he wrote. So he had played like, I think a week before me, and I'm going to write in the guest book. And I look, I'm like, oh my God, Noah Khan was just here. And in the guest book he writes just so I have an accurate representation, he says, pre show, Noah Khan is super nervous. And then he drew a line. He goes, post show, I enjoyed myself. And then he signed it. And I remember reading that right before I went out on stage. I was like, okay, I can handle this. Noah was nervous. This is normal. It is so normal to be nervous for one of like the biggest moments in your career. I can handle this. I can handle this. So I've always just like, loved him. I got to interview him at the Grammys on the red carpet a couple years ago and I told him this story and he was with his mom and I was like, so just so you know, you really helped me, like, get through my show. And I will never forget reading that. And it's just. It's a core memory for me. No, I have DMed him like a hundred times since and been like, you remember that story? Do you know the story? Do you remember the story? Noah? Noah, are you there? Are you there? Noah? Noah, I love you. I'm crying. Noah, I. I saw the Netflix documentary, you're a Hoot and a half. Noah, are you there? Are you in Vermont? I'm in the woods. No, I'm in a tree looking at you. Noah. Noah. Return my calls, Noah. Answer my DMs. Noah. Did you know that I played the same venue as you? Yeah, I haven't played anything that big since. But I'm here. I'm here. Oh, okay. You're selling out stadiums and probably making $2 million a night. Noah, I'm here. I'm outside your bus. I'm here. Noah. Hello? Like, I was scrolling through the. The DMs, and I was like, oh, okay. Yeah, when he opens this, it's going to be like, yeah, block. We're gonna block the gout girl, asap. But shout out to. What a great concert that was. An absolutely yes and an absolutely not to happy families. All the happy families that I saw at this concert were so triggering for me. We were in a. These kind people invited us into their suite, so we had amazing seats. And this great family was in the suite. Dad, mom, three, about college age kids, maybe a little bit older. And they were all together. And when I tell you at one point, my dear friend Amy and I were standing behind them, and they have arms around and they're singing and they're hugging and the dad's rubbing the small. The mom's back and the kids are laughing, and it was like a harmonious, happy family. Simultaneously, I turned to my friend Amy, she turns to me, and we were like, everyone we know is dead. We just. We couldn't. And I've had. I had too much white wine because I was in my feelings that day, which is not a good way to work through your. Your feelings. And I was like, amy, Amy, I am so unbelievably jealous of this happy nuclear family in front of us. What is it like to have a happy family where both of the parents are still alive, everyone's together at an event, enjoying the same thing at the same time. No drama. Like, just watching the dad and he's like, son. You know what I mean? Son, you know? And they're all singing. They know every lyric. And so you Know, the parents are cool, and they go to concerts with their kids. And I'm like, I haven't felt that joy since 2014. And both of Amy's parents are dead. So she's like, girl, both of mine are dead. I mean, we were just on a fucking roll, and there was another girl there. And I said, God, why is this so triggering to see a happy family? Like, if you have that, I mean, that isn't like, everyone's still alive. Everyone's still connected. You have your core people, and everyone's getting along, and they're happy and they're joyful and they're together. And your parents love each other, and they're both still alive. Cherish that moment. I'm not even trying to be dark right now, but cherish the moment. You have no fucking idea how lucky you have it. If I could go back to, like, a summer in Hilton Head, sitting at the Alligator Grill with my family, laughing our asses off while I was chugging Shirley Temples and we were crying, laughing at the table, having fun, I would give up everything for, like, 10 minutes of that core memory. So Amy and I are both, like, crying, holding onto each other, and, you know, Noah, shout out to Noah. Noah's music is already pretty sad. It's thoughtful, it's poignant. It's poetry. You just have to, like, dive in and feel it. And I'm literally holding on to Amy, and I'm like, amy, I'm so sorry your parents are dead. She's like, I'm sorry your dad's dead. And we were just absolutely obsessed with this family. So absolutely, yes. If all of your family gets along and is still alive, that's fantastic. Absolutely. Not to these people. Really rubbing it in my face the entire show. Like, at one point, I was like, I've got to go out and get some buffalo chicken dip from the suite. Like, I was just piling buffalo chicken dip and Tostitos onto a plate. And I told the oldest daughter, she was so cool. I said, I just need you to know I. And I think I said it, like, with buffalo chicken dip smeared down my shirt. And I think I was just like, I don't think you understand. Having everybody alive and well and together is just. Man, you really have it. You haven't made in the shade, toots. I hope you cherish this moment.
- [34:36]
B
I really do.
- [34:37]
A
And I think she was like, okay, do you want me to get you a napkin? I'm like, I would love that. Did I just pee myself? I think I did. All right. I Haven't gotten up from the seat in, like, two hours. I'm not well. I don't know if you know this, but I have gout. She's like, yeah, actually. So I don't think you're supposed to be eating buffalo chicken dip. I'm like, listen, honey, listen. Don't start rubbing your happy family in my face. I've got a bad foot. I might lose it on Monday. Why? Well, today's Monday. You're at the Noah Khan concert. I'm sorry, I don't know what time and space is. I'm probably going to lose it on Tuesday. We want to sign up for my only fans. It's gout girl. Here's a business card. And she was just like, I'm going to go enjoy the concert with my wonderful parents that are still married together and both alive. I was like, yeah, I get it. I get it, toots. I get it. Also, absolutely yes to the fact that I had, you know, in my own thoughts the other day as I was sitting in the house, just kind of listening to Noah Khan crying, chugging a Coke Zero, looking at my dogs, I realized that, you know what? It's an absolute yes and an absolute not. But it's an absolute yes that I had an honest conversation with myself. Now that I have, you know, new ailment, I realize I don't have any skills. We've touched on this before, but really, truly, I don't have skills. I can't really cook. I'm not good with measuring, like, ugh, I don't know. Feet, yards, that whole thing. Geometry was never my strong suit. I'm not really. I'm good with. Let's stay positive. No, we'll stay on the negative. I'm not good at cooking. I'm not really good at homemaking. I went to Trader Joe's. I'm like, I'm gonna make a floral arrangement. I butchered the fucking out of these roses. Tell me why. I got long stem roses, and now they look like little top, like little Crayola crayons in a. The vase is the size of an espresso cup. I don't know what the fuck I thought I was doing. And Jeff came home from his golf trip, and he's looking at me, and I just keep cutting. I just keep listening to Noah Khan and cutting and cutting and cutting. And he's like, babe, babe. Oh, my God. He literally thought I was gonna lose a finger. He's like, these are chode roses. Like, what have you done? What kind of glass Are you. Are you putting those in a shot glass? Like they're down in nubs? I can't even do a floral arrangement. It's like, oh, companies coming over. Let me put some fresh flowers out. There's blood everywhere. I've got a gout foot. I can't make you snacks because I don't even know how to cut a fucking cucumber. I mean, I really don't have domestic skills. I think I gotta go away to, like, three days of culinary school or something. Cause I can't do much after that, you know? And here's the thing. When you have gout, you can't really put a lot of pressure on the foot. So I can't be standing in a kitchen, sweating, making meatballs all day. I would love to know how, but I don't know if I'm going to be doing that for the foreseeable future until my gout clears. But I was really thinking. I was like, I don't have any skills other than comedy being fabulous. You know, Witty, charming, attractive, emotionally intelligent. I think emotional intelligence is probably my strongest skill. But that's really not a skill that you can then take into the, you know, the upcoming world war. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I am good at lifting heavy things, okay? I don't bitch about moving furniture. I'm a doer. I'm good on my feet. Well, not right now. Cause I have gout, so that's put that in the cons list. But what are my skills? I looked at Jeff, I said, what are my skills? He's like, well, okay. And I'm like, exactly. What are the skills? Not great with money. Couldn't tell you. Couldn't identify a fucking bug if you needed me to. If you got bit by a snake, I'd say, well, there goes the foot. Like, I really would not know what to do. I'm not. I'm not great at dog training. Like, I've got fucking gout. I've got gout. My family is dead. What are. What are my skills? What are my skills? Except turning on a microphone, sweating through a white T shirt under studio lights, and I guess making you giggle for. For a moment. Can't do the flowers. So I asked my girlfriends last night at the concert. I go, do we sign up for, like, a garden club? Is that what we're gonna do? Is that. Is that what my life is gonna be? My gout foot, My garden club. Gout and garden club. Fine. Name of my memoir. Talks about how I pull Myself up from my bootstraps with my fat fucking foot. And I learn how to plant peonies. I don't know. I'd love to make a floral arrangement. I'm a Southern woman who now has a new home to entertain in. And I can't even put together some God damn hydrangeas. Everything dies. I got a black thumb. Oh, God. What are my skills? What are they? Domestic skills. At least I make a good bed. I'm good at cleaning. It's really just heavy manual labor actually. Decent at laundry, terrible at ironing. Again, I don't know if that comes in with the geometry, with the lines. I'm not good at that. I'm not good at ironing. I'm decent at steaming. I love a good steam. I gotta figure out some skills. I got myself some new Hill House summer dresses. And they are so good. I'm talking new prints, tons of new styles. They're infamous. Nap dress. They've got like eight different nap dresses. Because you know what I like to do in the summer? I like to nap. Because when it is peak heat and you do not want to sit outside and you're like, my skin is burned. I want to go home. I want to take this bathing suit off. I want to put on a very cute chic nap dress. I'm going to take a cold, hard nap. I'm going to wake up in two hours. Somebody's going to hand me a crisp glass of Aperol spritz. And then I'm going to go straight to dinner in this. I'm going to slick back my hair and I'm going to look so cute. And everyone's going to be like, where's that dress from? And you're like, hill House home, baby. That's right. You can go from the pool to the nap to the damn nightclub, baby. I love all of their stuff. They also have really cute matching stuff. Say you got a little one at home. You want a cute tiny robe, matching pajamas, little sets. So, so cute your whole family can wear it. I love Hill House Home. And you can Visit them at hillhouse home.com and use code absolute checkout for 20% off your first purchase. That's hillhouse home.com and use Code absolutely for 20% off your first purchase. Hill House Home makes the best summer dresses. The most comfortable stuff, the most comfortable pajamas, the robes, all of it. You're going to become truly obsessed and you're going to end up buying like five dresses. That's all you're going to take on vacation. You're going to be so comfy, cozy, cute, sexy, gorgeous. You're just going to really love it. So check out hillhousehome.com and use code absolutely at checkout for 20% off your first purchase. Again, that's hillhousehome.com and use Code absolutely at checkout for 20% off YOUR first purchase. I got sent a big box from Naturium and it has changed the game. Okay. They have a Glow Getter bundle that is so luxurious and so incredibly affordable. I am now obsessed with Naturium. I have their face wash, I have their body wash. I have all of the products. Their Glow Getter Multi oil body scrub. This is what I do. I use the Glow Getter Multi oil body wash. Then I use the body scrub, okay? It exfoliates, reveals soft radiant skin. Then I use the body oil or the multi oil body butter. When I tell you the body butter is a whipped, deeply conditioning formula that intensely moisturizes, soothes, nourishes for healthy looking, hydrated glow. It is next level. And what I love about Naturium is it's affordable. Dude, it is so consistent too. It turns consistency into a habit you can keep. With luxurious. Dermatologists tested formulas at accessible prices, you can earn points, you can redeem rewards. That's it. No additional cost or subscription. Even your empty bottles earn points. Because your best skin starts with a consistent routine. Give your skin the affordable, luxurious glow up it deserves. Good. Naturium.com absolutely for 10% off your first purchase today. That's N A T U r I u m.com/autoubtedly. Naturium.com/absolutely for 10% off your first purchase today. You will love all of their products. I love their face wash. I love everything that Naturium makes. I'm obsessed with truly. I mean it. My skin is shiny and moisturized and my legs feel fantastic. Okay, one thing that I want to discuss is how excited I am to get into these voicemails. I have missed letting it rip. Getting into it as always. You can call in 800-213-7503. This is the Absolutely not line. You can call in with an Absolutely not. Absolutely yes. I feel like we need to get into what this podcast started out to be, which was an advice line and we have just been absolutely on a tear and a spiral with all my ailments. So enough about me. Let's get into you. Let's hit the Absolutely not line. Here's the first voicemail.
- [43:42]
B
Hey, Heather. I'll stay anonymous on this because I have a goat complex for even airing this out anonymously. But fellow ATL girly, my absolutely not is parents dating people their kids age. My boyfriend's mom recently confided in me and only me that she's seeing someone within a five year age range of her son. And I just personally don't care to hear about that or know that it's happening. We just don't have that kind of relationship where we talk about those things. So I don't know if she was trying to flex on me or what kind of reaction she wanted, but I don't think I gave her the one that she wanted like you do you. That's your cross to bear and your own problems sort out. But like, I once again, don't need to hear about it. I also think I was kind of being used as a mole, as a mule to break the news to her son so she didn't have to do it herself. Anyways, would love any advice on how to handle the situation if it comes up again. Or God forbid, I have to meet this person one day. Maybe I can prank him. I don't know, since we're both like practically children anyways. Love and light. Tiramisu bitch.
- [44:42]
A
Tiramisu bitch. And I love the. Just the anger, the attitude, rightfully so, in the tone of the voice. Okay, See, this is where I thrive, actually. Here are my skills. This is. Okay, I got skills, Heather. You got fucking skills, you little bitch. You got skills. All right, I do agree with you. She was trying to use you as an information mule, okay? As an information Sherpa. Emotional. Emotional information. She's trying to drop a bomb and she wants you to be the. The. The bearer. Bad news. Here's the deal, though. I'm not fully on the same page as you about the anger that I'm feeling towards this woman for getting dicked down. All right, it's awkward, but here's the thing. We got to flip the narrative if this was a dad. Men do this all the time. Men do this all the time. Parents get divorced. The dads always remarry immediately to some young blonde who's a pharmaceutical sales rep. You know, we all know her, we all know her, and she's like 32. We know how it goes. It's tale as old as time. Let's take a foot doctor, for example. We got a podiatrist who ends up getting divorced from his wife of, I don't know, you know, 30 years and little. Little pharmaceutical rep with her little bag and her cooler full of muffins comes in. She knows he's got money, he knows she's got other things, they start fornicating and now you got a young stepmom. That's how it goes. Men do this all the time. So I'm not actually mad at this woman having a young boyfriend. In fact, I am so pro women dating younger, legally, you know, legal. Let's, let's make sure it's comfortable and consensual. But I am here for it. And I have to be honest with you, dear listener. My mom was 11 years older than my late father and Robin has been lying on the apps and you know, she just, she peruses and giggles on the app. She has gone on one date, she is turning 79 this year and says that she is 64 on the apps and is looking for a guy in his like early 60s. And I say, you know what, good on you, Robin. She's like, what do, what do I want with an old guy? I don't want an 80 year old man. Oh my God. Can't drive at night, can't take me to dinner. No, it's got a new hip. I'm not doing that. I want to go travel the world and have fun. I get it. But I also think it's a little false advertisement. Am worried about that a bit for some of these suitors. Potential suitors. But I say go on with your bad self, girlfriend. Now I can tell that you're upset. You don't have a good relationship with this woman. So I hear you. But I think when the woman starts dating younger, you can't be mad at her. She's just trying to sow her wild oats and do her thing. And I don't know what the situation was, but do I think that she is absolutely trying to get you to sprinkle the breadcrumbs, drop some clues, drop some hints when she needs to be the one to go and rip that band aid.
- [48:21]
B
Yeah.
- [48:21]
A
And I think you gotta be straight up honest with her. Say, listen Cheryl, I'm glad you're getting some of that 28 year old dong. I'm glad. Good for you. But it's awkward and you're the mama bear. I'm not. So you're going to tell your son I'm staying out of this one. And she may have been coming to you girl to girl, but I agree. If you don't already have that relationship, she was testing the waters to see the reaction. And you did a good job. You defended your honey, you know, you knocked if you bucked a little bit towards her. And that's what you got to do in that situation. But I think we need to let this one slide for the girls. This is when you got to be a girl's girl. I'd lean over and say, got any dick pics? Let me see. Cheryl, who is he? Tell me more. It's always going to be awkward with the age gap, but the men do it all the time. Oh, my God. One of my best friends in the world. Mom passes, dad is dating the youngest woman. The young. I was like, what? And this is a friend of mine whose dad I'm like, is the most incredible person on the planet. Adored his late wife. And when I tell you he is got a hot blonde, young with big titties that it doesn't matter, they'll all do it. And I used to have this conversation with my sister sometime. I'm like, what if mom had passed first? Do you think dad would have remarried? Da, da, da. And he would have gone for a redhead. I'll tell you. At least he had a type. He had a type. And I would have absolutely physically bit any woman that came into my mother's home. Teeth in the side of the shoulder would have. But it, you know, even my dad probably would have come home with a big titted redhead that he met down at Hooters. And I would have been like, I'm gonna kill her dad. But that's what they do. So I'm just saying you need to have an honest conversation with her and say, I'm not, I'm not playing you dirty games. That's on you, girl. But also, let me see a dick pic. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [50:43]
B
Hi, Heather, I am a second time caller, short time listener, but I am stalking shows to come. See you. But I have an absolutely knot that I think is so prevalent to this generation of people bringing their kids to breweries and wineries and then expecting us other patrons to be accommodating to their children. Running around knocking over glasses, us dropping a curse word here and there, lighting up a stick if we need one. Absolutely not. Like, this is an adult time establishment. Nine times out of 10, these places don't have food, they don't have activities for children, and what, we're loading up our minivans, our caravans, and driving home our kids after six IPAs or six glasses of wine? Like, absolutely not. The wineries, the breweries are reserved for adult time. Bring a dog. We all love dogs. We'll Snuggle a dog. Hell, bring your cat if you want to, but leave the kids at home. We cannot stress this enough. I want to thank you so much for your podcast. It has been getting me through some really rough times lately, but love you so much. Tiramisu bitch.
- [51:55]
A
Tiramisu bitch. Love you so much. I'm going to tell you right now, absolutely not. To all of you feral parents bringing your filthy children to wineries and breweries. Our caller here had a great point. Half these places don't serve more than a loose charcuterie, okay? And unless you're shoving salami down your kids throats, they are absolutely running amok. There's not enough food. Mom and dad have had seven high gravity IPAs. Dad should not be driving home. And you know it's ballsy if you ever see a family get out of an Uber, because Dad's like, I'm getting ripped at the. At the brewery. We're gonna be here all day sitting in the sun while my kids absolutely demolish the wood chips outside. You're always at a brewery and there's like two kids just in mulch somewhere near. Not even near a tree, just rolling in mulch, while Dad's like, hey, you've tried this raspberry sour beer. I'm really into sours right now. Glug, glug, glug. Hey, Mike, wake up. Get your kids, take them to fucking Discovery Zone. I mean, for fuck's sake, parents, y' all could sit at the trampoline park, crack open a cold one. No one would judge you. Please. And I'm kid friendly. I love your children, but quit bringing your children's to adults only. I mean, Mike, at this point, you might as well take the bring the twins to a titty bar. What are you doing? And mom's exhausted. Every mom at a brewery. Every mom you see at a brewery has just had it. She is done. She didn't have a lick of makeup on because she is fucking done with the kids. She's like, mike wanted to come to this fucking brewery. I don't even drink beer anymore because I have a gluten intolerance. So I actually brought my own white wine and a carafe in my yeti. But see, that's how they avoid getting a DUI on the way home. Dad's like, you can. If the cops pull us over, just tell them you got eliminate in the yeti. All right? You know, like, stop bringing your kids to wineries and breweries. I am so pro kid. Kid friendly. But I am with you, girl. The amount of dad DUIs that are happening after you've just let your hellions tear up a fucking brewery that had no playground. Maybe two handfuls of Tater Tots, that's it. And you've had 75 stout beers. Don't. Don't even come for me. If you've had a flight. If you decide to do the flight at a brewery. First of all, it's not a tasting. They pour out 65 beers. Next thing you know, you're in the ba. You're on the bottom of the bathroom stall, calling. Calling what? Whoever. Whatever relatives you have left alive just to be like, I'm. I got a problem. Come get me. I am fully on board with you here on this one. Unless the brewery has a jungle gym. Actually, this is a great business idea, man. I am really cooking with the business ideas, though. I got gout Girl Onlyfans coming soon to a theater near you. And I've got. If we could do like a Discovery Zone or one of those trampoline parks maybe attached to a brewery. And what we do is, it's like a giant glass window, right? Giant glass window. The parents can be on the brewery side, and then we lock the door and the kids and they just jump for two hours, Right? But they can't cross over now. There'd be some sort of like, hamster tunnel. You know how you connect hamster cages so the parents can go over, check on the kids. Oh, is his neck broken? He's good. Keep jumping. But the kids can't go over to that side. I don't think that's a half bad idea. I'm just. We call it hamster hops. H O, P P S Like, like, you know, yeasty hops. Hamster hops the brewery, we're making the beer on one side and then the kids are jumping in the cage on the other side. And I think that's how we do it. In my mind, it's a win win for everybody. But you're also not allowed to drive there. You have to take some sort of Uber or Lyft or rideshare or grandma drops everybody off or picks your asses up. But I also agree, the amount of people that drive to wineries and breweries and leave blackout is alarming. Yeah, I'm judging you fully. Hamster hops coming to a city near you. God, I'm so good with business ideas. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [56:50]
B
Hey, Heather, it's your girl Daylen from Cleveland, Mississippi, not Ohio. Clearly you can tell by my accent. I just want to say absolutely yes to you coming to my hometown. I could not believe my eyes when I saw that you were going to be coming to Cleveland, Mississippi. I will, in fact, be nine months pregnant, but that doesn't matter. We're just gonna hope I don't go into labor and we're gonna giggle and we're gonna have the best time ever. Probably gonna have to come by myself, but I don't even care. Love you, girl. Cannot wait to see you. Bye.
- [57:24]
A
Bye. Love you, girl. I think it was. Was it Galen Dalen. And also, this is the most missive shit ever, if I heard that correctly. Dalen. That is not a name. You realize that they combine that because her daddy's name was David and her mommy's name was Shaylin, so now it's Daylen. That's. That's what that was. Or her name's really Deborah Lynn and they connected it as Dalen. That is the most Mississippi Delta shit ever. Let me tell you. I am so freaking excited to come perform. I think it's at the Bologna. Bologna. It says Bologna Bologna Performing Arts Center. What day am I. Hold on, let me look. What day am I performing there? I am so frickin excited to be performing in the Delta. It's gonna be such a rowdy show. I don't know a day I'm there. Okay, we'll figure it out. It's in September, I believe it's like September 17th or 18th. And I'm gonna be performing and we're gonna be doing some Mississippi shit. It's gonna be outrageous. We're gonna have so much fun. When my girls called me and they said, heather, we need you to come to the Delta, I said, honey, get the cowboy caviar and that spicy feta dip. Some boiled nuts in a MC Ultra, cracked open, ready to go. I'm gonna roll my own cigarettes and we're gonna do some. We're gonna do some chuckles. I am fucking excited. And also, Daylen, you come. Whether that baby is crowning. Umbilical cord's still attached. It's popped out. You're going through contractions. I'll work you through it. If there was one place that I'd want to go into labor, it would be at the Bologna Performing Arts center in Cleveland, Mississippi, with a bunch of Delta women. You don't understand. Women from the Delta specifically are. Talk about feral. They're wild animals. I, as somebody who I think I partied a little too hard this summer, which. Okay, hands Up. You got me. I will say, women from the Delta can drink and drug your ass, like, under the table. All the girls in college that would drink all day, like, go down, take an Adderall, pop right back up, they were all from the Delta. They are cut different. It's something. It's like in the water. It's a genetic component. It's a. Some sort of DNA molecule that just makes them different. Pregnant, not pregnant. The women are wild in the best way they can throw down. And something you need to know about me. When I was in college, we would drive up to Tunica, which is also in the Delta, and we would go to these really sad casinos in Tunica, Mississippi, and we would dress in themed. Like, we did like, a Baywatch party once. We did like, an Ivy League party where we all dressed up in mad dress and, like, you know, cashmere sweaters. I mean, that was already in our. Our repertoire of outfits at the University of Mississippi. But we would get hammered, then drive ourselves to the Tunica, Mississippi, casinos, and then I would end up at about 4am at the Paula Deen buffet eating ooey gooey butter cake and chicken tenders with $200 fresh in my pocket that I had just won playing roulette. Those were the fucking days. I really. And if you're from the Mississippi Delta, I need you to. I'm gonna need you to tell me where to go, what to do. I want the full fucking tour, okay? I want the full tour. There is just something about this specific part of the world, which is the Delta, that will change your life. And these people. It's kind of like the hills have eyes. When I tell you the women, and they're all like, like, rich. You're in the Delta, you're either like, rich rich or. Or truly, like, poverty. It's. It's a weird mix. And these women will, like, come out of the, like, they're like. They're like. Spread the corn fields, and they're like, hey, I got a new Rolex. Can I show it to you? Also, you smoke Marlboro Reds or American Spirits? Come on. Come through this corn maze real quick. I'm gonna take you to Daddy's. They all have a cabin. Everybody's got a cabin on the. On the Mississippi River. Like, come. Hey, we're going party at the cabin. Oh, yeah, yeah. This a $45,000 fresh off the Runway Chanel suit. You want to get fucked up? Okay, cool. And then they just. You just walk through the corn, and then all the plants kind of Come back together. And you're like, I don't know where I am. I don't know if I'm in a scene from get out, but I kind of like it. Everyone's very friendly. Dude, my dog, Macaroni, I got from an Indianola, Mississippi, which is also the Delta. An Indianola, Mississippi vet. She was the last one left. And I'm like, oh, she was bred from a vet, or, you know, I don't even know the situation. She was bred. She was. I'm still confused. I believe bread. So I'm like, oh, a Mississippi Delta vet has her. She's the last one. I'm gonna take her. That dog is out of her fucking mind. She will bite your neck, lick you, and do a line of cocaine at the same time. And you're like, I don't even know how that happened. That's the Mississippi Delta for you wild girls. I cannot wait. Now, obviously, Daylen, I know you're going to be pregnant. And if that is a place that you, you know, if you're worried about. Oh, fuck. Come showtime, you're feeling a little uneasy. You're afraid you might laugh a little too hard. The baby will start coming out. I'm ready. I'm ready. You know who I want? My labor and delivery room? A bunch of women from the Delta. You know, some woman just, like, rolls up the sleeves on her St. John suit, and she's like, okay, somebody put a cigarette. My lips. Put some Dior. Put some of that Dior lip gloss on me. Okay, give me a glove. Let's deliver this baby. Like, that's how these women operate. They're just fucking different. They're cut different, and I love it. And there really is a little bit of pretentiousness and then also no pretentiousness at the same time. I don't know how to describe it. Like, you're. They're just different. It's not snobby women from Jackson, Mississippi. And I can say that as somebody who went to Ole Miss, okay? I'm not throwing stones at a glass house. I'm just telling y' all what it is. And everybody, the 14 of y' all who are from Mississippi who listen to this podcast are like, you're not. You're going, that's true. We know they can be real fucking snobby from Jackson, Mississippi. And I have to remind them you live in Jackson, Mississippi. Okay? Okay. But those women from the Delta, they got. They got some hidden coin in a cabin on a river, but they will throw down. They'll they will invite you into their home. They'll feed you caviar off Grandmama Silver, but then they'll also go down to the damn hole in the wall, the watering hole that's got a fucking singing bass fish on the wall. And they'll buy you cocaine and have a good time. That's all you need to know. I cannot wait to deliver a baby at the Bologna Performing Arts Center. I have a feeling I'm going to get there. They're like, you know, it's Bologna. It's absolutely bologna. It's a Bologna Performing Arts Center. But I'm Italian, so we're saying Bologna. Until then, let's get to the last voicemail. These are great.
- [64:56]
B
Hey, Heather, this is Grace from North Carolina. I am going to visit my mom tomorrow. She lives in Florida, and it's going to be my first time at her condo since my dad passed last year. I was with her the weekend after he passed. And absolutely not, obviously to having a dead dad at a young age definitely sucks, but absolutely yes to my mom trying to, like, numb our pain when we're together, when I'm there, when she uses her credit card and everything. My mom never really spoiled me growing up, but now that my dad is dead, she's been, like, spoiling me. And tomorrow when I get there, we're getting massages, I'm getting my hair done and we're going out to eat at this fancy restaurant. And I just. I think it's kind of funny, like, oh, sorry your dad's dead, but here's like, the first massage you'll ever have in your life, and let's go shopping. And so she tries to make the most of it when I'm there. And I really appreciate that. But so absolutely yes to getting randomly spoiled by your mom, who doesn't really spoil you at all, but absolutely not to this weekend. But hopefully I'll get through it because at least I'm getting a massage. So, anyways, I love listening to your podcast. It's really helped me this year, especially through my grief and everything. And thank you so much. Bye. Bye.
- [66:35]
A
Love you, queen. I mean, here's the deal. You gotta milk this dead dad as long as you can and hear me out. That sounds harsh. If you've never lived in this reality, then you don't know. But girl, a girl, girl, you take the gifts, you take the massages, you take the hair appointments, you get a blowout every Tuesday, Thursday, from here on out till you're fucking down dead in the grave, because you are Grieving, it will always suck. And what I always say to people is when they're like, okay, well, yeah, your dad died like 10 years ago. Guess what? He's still dead. So you know what I'm going to do? Get some free product out of it. I'm going to Milk Titi tea. I'm squeezing on the nips of grief. That's what I'm doing. Best tip I can give anybody. You go to a. You go to a Saks Fifth Avenue or, you know, a high at Nordstrom. You go to a high end department store. You walk in there after a fresh weep that you've just done in your car over your deceased parent. You walk in there, have a black dress on, go to the Chanel makeup counter. That shit's expensive. And you're like, I've got my dad's funeral in like two hours. I'm just distraught. Can you help me? You'll get a full face beat. Free product. They'll be just throwing $50 Chanel lip glosses in there. You get samples on samples. You go from Nordstrom, then you go to Saks. And you go, you work your way around the mall till you have so much makeup on you look like a fudgeing Bratz Dol. And you get that free shit. Work the system. I am never about abusing a system until your father dies and you need free stuff. You know what you can also do? You can call some of your dad's buddies. Like maybe one of his golfing buddies. Like, hey, Carl, you know my dad's dad. I know that you had season tickets. Yeah, you know, I know you had season tickets to the New York Giants. You think like, my dad used to take me to the games. Do you think that I could go sometime? No, I don't want you there. No, I don't need another father. Just. I was wondering if I could have your tickets. And then next thing you know, you're. You're sweet level seeing it. See in sports. Milk that system, honey. I was trying to get free rides on private jets with my dad's pilot buddies. Kyle's gone. All he wanted was for me to have, you know, one spin around the sun in a Gulf stream. How about. How about it, Todd? How about it? Absolutely. Yes to milking the death of a loved one to get some free shit. It happened. It sucks. You're going to grieve the rest of your life, but can you get maybe a quick ride on a PJ and some Chanel lip glosses with it? Why would you not why would you not go for it? Especially when the dad dies, you lean in, okay? Because women will always be motherly. They'll always be like, I got you. Let me make a casserole. You know, they'll do. They have their skills. But if you find one of your dad's rich golfing buddies, go up to the club, look forlorn, you know, maybe. Maybe look to the sky, be like, rich. I just don't know how I'm gonna pay for college, you know? He's like, oh, God. Oh, God, Oh, God. And he's gonna crumble because he probably owed your dad. Like, he stiffed him, like, 50 bucks on a golf bet sometime. He's like, where are you trying to go? Cornell? Here's a hundred thousand dollars. Take it. Your dad would want it. I'm just saying, you know, if you can do it, do it. Milk that system. I love a spoiled, grieving daughter. Spoiled. We should be spoiled. And what I didn't have is that my dad's friends were very generous. What I always got was I would go to the Braves game, you know, in the suite, and then they'd be like, God, you look so much like your dad from behind. And I was like, I don't. I don't know if I wanted to hear that. Thank you. Thank you so much. Yeah, thanks, Steve. I appreciate that. Yeah, he was about a 275 pound man. Thank you. Thank you for that generosity with that comment there. God, you look so much like your dad. God, you look like your dad. I'm like, I got it. Can I have cash? I'd love some cash, though. That would be great. I had the opposite when my dad passed. My mom, who is so cheap, really hoarded in the cash, and, I mean, I was tap dancing on the roof for the neighbors to get some loose change to go to Chipotle. And then what I did was I maxed out all my credit cards. And that's when I really started to get creative on the Internet. And it did push me forward to create the life that I have now. But I was cashing out Roth iras left and right, you know? Cause that's the thing, when somebody dies, you start getting phone calls. Hey, you had a Roth IRA that your dad wanted. It's compounded to 15%. You've got, you know, $15,000. Now, we definitely recommend you not take this out because you will be penalized. Penalize me. Bend me over, Peg me with the penalties. I need the cold, hard cash right now. You start bargaining, selling off your Wares. You're like, I just need cash. Yeah, I'll take it for God. I had a Roth ira. My mom was like, what did you do for money? For a while I was like, oh yeah, I cashed out the Roth ira. That's what I. It wasn't much, you know what I mean? Like, that's what I did. And I worked every hustle, side job you could imagine. I wish I would have gotten gout back then. Do you know the fucking empire I could have right now? Fuck, where was my grief gout? I would have. If I had a fat foot where I thought that there was actually a fucking kink that somebody would be into, I would have been showing that fat foot gout girl. I would have created OnlyFans. It may have pushed me to create OnlyFans. So remember, life is either gonna happen to you or with you. At you or for you. You, you're driving the car and you be that spoiled little grieving girl, because that sucks. And if you lost your mom, oh my God, I'm telling you what, People feel bad for dads, but they feel way. You get a lot more grief or you get a lot more empathy when your mom dies. Harder. I'm telling you right now, a mom death, it's hard. My dad was my buddy, we were best friends. But dads, they're kind of like, well, you know, the guy's gonna die eventually when moms die. Oh, dude, talk about make it rain. Make it rain. So listen, we're gonna be glass half full cuz it fucking sucks. I mean, seeing a fully fledged happy nuclear family at Noah Khan yesterday almost broke me. But the concert was great. And I will say sometimes we need a friendly reminder. If you got a close family right now, if everyone's alive, well, healthy, and you can go to a concert and hang together and enjoy something and no one's yelling at each other and you're all on the same page of like listening to the same shit. Fucking enjoy it and revel in it because that does not happen anymore. And I will see you at the Chanel counter and Neiman Marcus because I got a. I got a funeral to attend in a couple hours. I could. I should swing by the mall on the way home because I look rough today. I'll be detoxing from my Noah Con Chardonnay. I probably had three bottles to myself yesterday. I am not proud of it and I'm going to be nursing the gout, but I love you guys. I'm so grateful that you called in. I cannot wait to see everybody in Mississippi. We're also going to be sprinkling in some more shows, and I have a really huge announcement here that's coming up in, like, a week or two. I'm so fucking excited. I worked my dick off on this. Why did I say that? That's so crass. I've worked so hard on this, and I can't wait for you guys to see it and enjoy all the things. Okay? I love you. I mean it. Ciao, bella. I'm overdare at you. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. Hop from train to train? I feel the vibration? Take control of me? Shines a light so bright? It plays out like a symphony?