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With the American Express Platinum card, you can access over $3,500 in annual value with benefits and eligible purchases across travel, entertainment, and more. There's nothing like Platinum. Learn more@americanexpress.com Explore Platinum Enrollment Requirements monthly and other limits in terms of Apply the following podcast is a Dear Media Production welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Want to start a fire? Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you're having a beautiful week. Sorry, I sound quite nasally. I am super under the weather right now. Sweating in the studio right now, like, I will. God, I'm gonna rip this jacket off in a minute. I met. I've got that summer sinus infection and I'm on that Z pack, that steroid life. And I could, you know, pick up the back end of a school bus, move a baby grand piano to the attic, and also feel like I could curl up in the fetal position and do nothing. So I might be getting a froyo on the way home from the office. I hope I'm not. My head's not a little too buzzy today and I can actually form clear sentences. So if I, you know, a crackhead, just know I feel like one. But how are you guys? Hope you had a gorgeous weekend. I had a little, you know, a little tiny house party. Had some people over before the OAR concert. Shout out to Oar of a Revolution. And you said, jai, we had a great time. We went and saw oar, you know, a throwback to the early aughts. Really, really fun concert. And it was just a great time to have so much fun with our friends. So I felt very blessed to have some quality time with the people that I love this weekend. Yeah. And then I woke up on Sunday just feeling like a bag of dicks. And I didn't even drink on Saturday. I was like, I just feel absolutely like I was coming down with something and, you know, got tested for everything under the sun and they just said, heather, you have the. Because your mother had you at 40, you are a rotten egg and you have the immunity of a petri dish at the cdc. It's not great.
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So.
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And then now I keep. Because I had to get on a Z pack. Now I keep getting fed. I literally got fed a video yesterday. Absolutely not to getting fed, you know, when the algorithm already knows you're down. The algorithm already knows you're down. I'm like taking my Z pack and this video pops up. If you take more than one antibiotic a year, you are absolutely going to get dementia. Percentage of dementia is up 97% and your gut flora is fucked up. So now I'm scooping like live cultured coconut probiotics. I nearly shit my pants on the way to the office. You know, you're damned if you do, damned if you don't, but I hate to tell you, Ronnie, I'm one of those people. I need the addicts, I need the antibiotics. Sure, I'll do a parasite cleanse, sure. I just got over gout, but come on, I need the otics. I ordered those Z packs. Like people hoard tampons and I get a sinus infection like you get your period every 28 days with a vengeance. So let me live. I'm doing the best I can. I'm doing the best I can, baby. I had a day on Sunday though. Absolutely yes to just doing nothing. Had not had a full day of. I'm not entertaining, I'm not running around, I am doing nothing. I took a three hour nap with the dogs and we watched Curb your enthusiasm and just did fucking nothing. We rotted. We ordered soup dumplings for dinner and I bit into one of those dumplings, let the pork juice run down the cheek and I just sat there with a washcloth wiping it off like a. Just a fat. And I enjoyed myself. Some days you need those days, but it's a rainy day here in Georgia, you know. It is. I've got. Hold on, I'm kicking off my boots. Kicking off. Oh my God, my rain boots. Those. No wonder I was overheating over here. Got giant rain boots on. But the kids are going back to school. You know, we do it early in the South. All my friends are already sending their kids off this week and I kind of started to get a little, a little anxious around this time as well. You know, all my girlfriends on Sunday were showing me the fits that the kids were wearing. You know, the lunch boxes, everything's in the little bento box. And they're getting anxious like oh fuck, we got to get up at 6:30 to get the kids on the bus at 7. First of all, why are these kids going to school at 7 o' clock in the morning? School used to start at 8, 8:20 on a Tuesday. Some of these schools start at like 7:30. What parent wants to be up and at it at 5:45 in the morning? Somebody make it make sense and if you say well, well, the school starts at 7 because then the, you know, everybody else's job starts at 8. It doesn't. Most jobs start at 9. What are we doing here? The kids are on the bus by 6:15, the moon is still out. Go to sleep. What are we doing here? But there's something about the very beginning of August where I also start to get very anxious because I have the feeling that I am going back to school. I tend to stop every tour, like wrap everything up by the end of May and then I take the summer off and then I have to start a whole new creative process come early August. I've got a show in 14 days that I'm doing with Matteo Lane, which would be so fun. At Caesars in Atlantic City. We're doing a co headliner. It's going to be a fucking blast. But I obviously want to bring new material. So I'm about to really take a Z pack and sit in the basement and just write out jokes like a crackhead. So I keep having this recurring dream that I'm getting up on stage and I don't know my lines. It's a class play, it's the one act competition play and I learned none of my lines. I'm having that dream, which I know every kid had, has that dream right before you go to school. Or you just have that feeling. You're like, I didn't do my summer reading dog. Remember when you didn't do your summer reading? And then there was always the kids in class who loved reading. And don't get me wrong, I love to read now, but I love to read because it lowers my cortisol and just puts me to fucking sleep. I don't read to educate. I don't read to self improve. I read because if I stare at something, my eyes will get heavy and tired and the eyelids that definitely need an upper bluff will just droop down to the point where they physically push my eyelashes closed and I'm forced to go to sleep. That's why I read. And I love that people are like, I love reading. I'm a reader. Are you a reader? Is reading really more fun than scrolling and watching a bunch of Mormon women on TikTok dance? It's not. So don't act like it is. And then don't make me feel guilty because I want to watch the girlies dance. I'm a reader. Are you a reader, Michelle? Oh, you're a reader. Okay, I. I get it. I love a story. I'm a storyteller. It's on audible. I'm driving in the car listening to romance novels. Let me live. But remember when you had to go back to school? You had a week before you had to go back to school. And I would never do the summer reading. And then you'd go to the library. Okay, I'm kicking it back to like elementary. You go to the library and realize all the other kids you would actually run into your other crew who also waited to the last weekend to do the summer reading. And then you guys would do the dial up Internet and get on like mindspring and try and find Cliff Notes. This is what kids will never understand. They have AI right now that could give a full synopsis, break down things. You could be like, hey, chatgpt, tell me a fact in this book that nobody else would know. Or a specific line that I can quote that my professor will think I'm really smart at. We didn't have that. We all had the same 16 bullet points on Cliff notes. And every time you walked into, like your sixth grade class and you were about to be tested on your summer reading, the teacher already knew how to fucking get you. There was a got you question, and it was from the Cliff Notes. There was no Claude OpenAI chatgpt, you know, Wildflower, wherever the fuck these other technology companies are. There was one. It was Cliff notes. And Cliff fucked us every time. Every time. Cliff us. I swear to God, I was the cliff notes kid. 48 hours before I had it clocked back into junior high. I had to go to the library. And then I realized that all the books were gone. We didn't have Amazon. We didn't have any way to rush deliver the summer reading. And my mom would be like, God damn it, Heather. The books on at the library, what are you going to do? I'm like, go to Target. We got to buy the hardback. She's like, heather, they don't have it because you and all your dumb ass friends didn't do your summer reading. I'm like, well, I'm sorry that I was at theater camp putting on a performance, learning Shakespeare, African dance, diversifying my portfolio for the theatrics, doing mime classes, tap dancing, jazz, lyrical, ballet, y, you name it. Commedia, dell, art, hand toand stage combat. I'm sorry I was out there living my life as a professional child actor while you guys were stuck at home sitting outside in your yard in a tent doing your summer reading. Some of these reading kids don't realize that I was actually taking the application from Life. I was applying myself out into the real world like an adult. There was always a fight outside of a TJ Maxx, and my mom drove a sob. And Robin was always screaming at me as we were going from, like, Barnes and Noble to Barnes and Noble to. To Target. And then she was pissed because we'd actually have to purchase the books instead of getting them from the library because all my other delinquent friends who did not do the summer reading had already taken them from the library. And I'd always have on, like, a silk scarf just choking out my chubby neck. And I'm like, sorry. Sorry. I was out there at theater camp creating a play from scratch, doing improv. Oh, what, you need me to read Beowulf? That was college, but you know what I mean.
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Okay.
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Oh, I was supposed to read Lord of the Flies. I'm sorry. Don't you. Don't you see, darling? We are living in Lord of the Flies. I don't know how to tell you this, darling, but Barnes and nobles overcharging us 30%. And I can see it in the Future that in 15 years, all of these bookstores will be closed because the robots will implant chips in our brain. That's where we're going, darling. Don't you see? And then my mom would be like, why are you acting like you're a director from the 1920s smoking a fake cigarette? And, Heather, that silk scarf is tied too tightly around your neck. Who gave you that scarf? You mean me? Take it off. Those were my. That was always my first. Like, first two days in August, right before we went back to school, it'd be my mom and I arguing in a TJ Maxx parking lot because she'd have to go physically buy the copies of the books that. Then my dad, who ran a software company, would just try and download the Cliff Notes for me. He got it. I got it. Like, I was out doing things on the town over the summer. I wasn't sitting underneath the stars reading. I was applying myself. I was networking. I was hustling. I was out there actually tap dancing for dinner. It's called a summer job. Some of y', all, I guess, didn't have to do that. I was prank phone calling the neighbors. God forbid a young, chubby gal from the south just lives in the moment. God forbid. God forbid. But Cliff Notes, Cliff. Always us. But this is what it's like to go back on the road. I'm. I'm having that anxiety of thinking, okay, I gotta start from scratch. We're starting from scratch. Where we gotta get into the. What is funny? What? You know, I turned my brain off for the summer, but what happened? What did Jeff piss me off about? We can write some jokes. So we're back. We're getting back in the lab. And it doesn't help that I am absolutely sweating through this T shirt right now on some form of antibiotic. But we're gonna be okay. We're gonna be okay. Can't wait to see what you guys got into this weekend. You know, I miss you. I love you. Oh, I got to film something super fun. I don't think I'm able to say what it was for, but I got asked to be a part of a documentary yesterday that we filmed here at the office. And it is really full circle. I don't know when this will come out, but when it does come out, I need you to know your girl is sitting shoulder to shoulder with some of the top musicians in the world. And I got to be a part of something very cool and totally honored about it. So that was a really fun day yester. And then I also had a really big high. I had a home goods find of the year. Absolutely, yes to finding the best home goods in Atlanta. The Sandy Springs location. Dude, there is no better feeling as a woman than when you walk into a home goods and you know they got a fresh fucking delivery. And it's a good one. You can smell it. There's a certain scent. It's like you smell that cinnamon candle that's in the. That's on aisle eight in the back. You know, they're going to have the good swivel chairs in the front. They're going to have full floor length mirrors to your left. And that Portuguese bedding is fresh and crisp. And when you dive into a bargain bin, you're going to find a Ralph Lauren Euro Sham set that's going to set your tits on fire. And it's going to be the greatest day ever. Oh, my God. The good tchotchkes I got yesterday, they were so good. They were so good. And I hate to play into the stereotype of like, you know, women be shopping, but there is. There's something genetically in us. There's something that my DNA, like, starts to throb. And I just get like a little lightheaded and euphoric when I see a red clearance sticker on a Ralph Lauren Euro Sham. What is that? Somebody DM me last night and said, heather, you think that makes you high right now? Just wait. Once you go over 40, wait till you start looking at birds. Like, I'm very close to start bird watching. I'm not there yet. I don't think I have the attention retention for that. I think the add will be like, they're chirping. It's fine. Get off me. You know, but something about walking into a home goods knowing that you're going to possibly fight other women for said clearance ceramic bowl that then is gonna go on a. On a table next to another bowl that then you will put like your channel changer on or the Sonos remote. And you're like, this is heaven. It's heaven. And then you drive through Chick fil a afterwards and get a Sunjoy and you're just filled with the light of the Lord. You're like, my sugar's low. I just need a little warm chocolate chip cookie or maybe a little waffle fry and a Sunjoy. And meanwhile, the back of your Audi is coming around the corner. Sparks are flying because it is weighed down with so much bul that you just bought at HomeGoods. But it's not bullshit. They're treasures. And don't you dare ever try and look at the receipts, Jeff. My mom and I walk in, we're levitating, Our feet are not even hitting the ground because we had such a good find at home goods. I only spend $400. That's unheard of. We're moving things on shelves, we're putting things in bowls, we got stacking boxes. I got art for his office. I'm like, jeff, don't you love this photo of this golfer who's hitting a golf ball on top of an old timey car? He's like, is it? I'm like, who cares? It was $30. It's going on the wall. Shut the up. Jeff's trying to eat a sandwich. I'm like, get up, you lazy motherfucker. I need you to start moving furniture right now. Oh. There's just some things inherently in a female's DNA that is like, if you don't jump up and do it as soon as I ask you, I will be on the roof with the fucking leaf blower putting up Christmas lights. I don't even know why I need the leaf blower to put up the Christmas lights, but all of these things are going to happen simultaneously. Jeff's like, it's not even close to the holidays. I'm like, well, you pissed me off and now I'm doing lights. If men would just understand that when we say jump, they say how high? We would all Be happy. We would all be happy. Jeff takes a 35 second to the T pause when I ask him to get up and help. And it's 35 seconds too long. And then it's always an eye roll. Oh, my God. Where is this? Where do you want me to hang this? Shut up. Look alive, look excited. I am coming in on such a high from a home goods. You might even get a blowjob if you just move the rug, move the bed, push the dresser to the side and let me get my tchotchkes on the wall, for fuck's sake. Look alive, buddy. Oh my God, these men, if they would just learn. If you see your partner walking in to the house with a smile on her face and she's floating through the air and she's got home goods, home goods bags on her arms, and you can see that there's indentions because the bags are weighed down with fun coffee table books. You know what you do? You leap up from the counter, you run over, you grab those bags, you pick her up, you spin around, you go, was this the best day ever? Did you just drink a Sunjoy from Chick Fil A? And she's like, yes, I did. Let's go have sex and then put things on the walls. Yes, let's go rearrange furniture after I give you the best orgasm of your life. Yes, it's that easy. It's that easy. But instead, Jeff had to be like, well, what's this? Oh, more pillows. He this motherfucker said to me the other day, he goes, how many mirrors do we need? One for every bedroom, Jeff. We got two mirrors. We got more than two bedrooms. Might wanna look at yourself before you leave the house, buddy. The attitude I got the attitude I got post a home goods high yesterday was not acceptable. And I'm already on a Z pack, so, you know, I'm sweating and a little testy. Oh my God. You know, I saw Boho Bright yesterday and she said, girl, your hair is looking good, okay? It has improved hair growth, visible thickness. And I said, well, that's cause I'm on the Nutri Falls girlfriend. You just take four pills a day with a meal and I'm telling you what, I've seen such a difference. The reason I love Nutrafol is because summer is the season of ponytails, messy buns and braids. And when it's hot outside, I need my hair off my neck. I used to feel so self conscious about my hair looked in these styles. But after using Nutrafol, I have noticed A real difference in how I feel about my hair. Instead of worrying about it, I can pull it back and get on my day, get on with my day, knowing it will still look healthy and full and beautiful. Okay? And that's why I love Nutrafol. It is the number one dermatologist recommended hair growth supplement brand, and it's the number one hair growth supplement brand personally used by dermatologists. Okay? That's the biggest thing. Nutrafol's hair growth supplements are peer reviewed, NSF certified for sport and clinically tested. Let your hair be one less thing to worry about. See, visibly thicker, stronger, faster. Growing hair in three to six months with Nutrafol. For a limited time, Nutrafol is offering our listeners $10 off your first month subscription and free shipping when you visit Nutrafol.com and enter promo code. Absolutely not. That's Nutrafol.com, spelled N U T R A F O L.com, promo code. Absolutely not. Again, that's Nutrafol.com, promo code. Absolutely not. I give Nutrafol to all my friends. I think it's in a great, like, postpartum gift basket. It's drug free, it's dermatologist recommended, and it works. So again, that's Nutrafol.com, promo code. Absolutely not. Let me tell you what I just put in my cart. Last night. I got a linen couch from Quince. It's gonna go in my bedroom. It's gonna be stunning. It was out of stock. It's back in buying my furniture from Quints. I bought their European linen sheet set. When I tell you Jeff and I are sleeping on 100% European linen sheets, and it has changed the game. I don't have night sweats. I swear to you by the Quints. I love quints. I love them, I love them, I love them. And if you need some new wardrobe staples for your fall wardrobe, right? You want to get some gorgeous Mongolian cashmere sweaters. You want to get some other European linen because it's still warm where you live. Then you have to check out Quince. Everything at Quint's is priced 50 to 80% less than similar brands. And they work directly with ethical factories to cut out the middleman. So you're paying for quality, not brand markup. Dude, Quince has insane rugs. They have silverware, they have travel supplies. Whatever you need, you can get authentic Italian leather bags. Quince has it. Why would you not check them out? Upgrade your everyday. Download the Quince app for app exclusive Offers or go to quince.com absolutely. You can get free shipping on your order and 365 day returns now available in Canada and the UK too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com. absolutely. When I tell you I just bought my European 100% linen sheets and duvet set. The whole I've got the coverlets, I got the Euro shams, the king size pillows, everything. And I got so many compliments. My girlfriends were over, they were like, this bed looks so beautiful. I'm like, it's Quint, dude, it's Quint. It's Quint. I love quints. Again, check them out. Q-U I N C E.com Absolutely. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. I will shadow from the rooftops forever. Squarespace has been such an incredible partner here at the Absolutely Not Podcast because guess what? We all use it. I mean, shit, how many times do I have to tell you guys? If you want to have a strong online presence and you don't know the first place to start, you don't know jack shit about creating a website. Go on Squarespace. Make your life easier, all right? It will make your life so much easier because they have everything there. You can literally plug things in about your business and have a insane, gorgeous website. Here's the thing that I love about Squarespace. They are using AI for good, not evil. And they have incredible cutting edge design technology. They all have really great SEO tools. So get discovered fast with integrated Squarespace SEO tools. So every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto generated site map, and more. So you show up more often on search engines and bring in more of your ideal customers. You know, I don't know if you know this, but when you were looking stuff up online, you're like, okay, I need a plumber. I go to like the first thing that pops up. Well, that's what the SEO tools are there for. So why would you not use Squarespace to help you jump the line and just be smart about having a great online presence? Here's the deal. You're gonna head to squarespace.com absolutely for a free trial. And when you're ready to launch, use, offer Code absolutely. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again that is squarespace.com Absolutely. And use offer code Absolutely. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Anyways, but very excited. We just hard pivot. We just announced. I am doing a one off show in Vegas. It's gonna be at the Palazzo at the Venetian. October 10th. Pre sale start until Friday. The password is Heather. All caps. Heather, you can get your tickets. I'm going to be doing a totally one off show. It's going to be totally different. It's going to be really, really fun. So it's one night in Vegas inside me and who knows what we're going to do afterwards. Playing the Plaza with the Venetian has just been an amazing venue. I've had such a blast. They've been so wonderful to us. So shout out to Vegas. I'm so excited to be back in Vegas. This is going to be a blast. I feel like that's what I like to do. I like to start my tour. I'm going to pop into some clubs soon. I'm doing a Show, Cleveland, Mississippi on September 17th. It's going to be the weekend of the LSU game. So I'm going to do that show on a Thursday then go down to Oxford for the iconic LSU weekend. So we're wheeling and dealing. We're back to school, baby. We're in the zone. And then I'm going to start adding some more tour dates. And remember, we have the cruise. The cruise is coming up this may. Get your tickets@heather.com and for any shows that are coming up. I've got Atlantic City coming up. Cleveland, Mississippi and I've got Vegas. Get those tickets at heather on tour.com and that's going to be all new stuff. Wheeling and kneeling, new material, trying new stuff out. Absolutely. Knots Live on stage. We're going to be doing the most for that. So get excited. Okay, we are going to get into these voicemails because I could, I could scream at Jeff all day. But I want to hear what you guys have been into. As always, guys, you can call into the voicemails. 800-213-7503. Let's see what everyone's saying.
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Hi, Heather. My absolutely not is I am a preschool teacher and we were just told that we are not allowed to make teacher wish lists because it makes the center look bad. While, you know, everything is still coming out of our pockets. They think that parents pay enough money where they should just walk into a classroom and everything Be there and be ready. Yet they aren't providing it. We are daycare teachers significantly get paid less than regular teachers, which is already a low paying job. So just. Absolutely not. Here's to another great year of it all coming out of my pocket. But you know, we do it for the littles, so. Absolutely not. Love you, Tara Massey.
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Baby Tiramisu, bitch. Let me tell you what I have been so inundated with. I'm talking like hundreds of DMs every single day of can you post my list? Can you post my list? And I said to some of the teachers, yes, of course. And then I realized Abby flagged this for me. She was like, hey, we need to like compile like a Google spreadsheet. Because if I post one list that everyone's gonna get pissed off. So I'm trying to compose a Google spreadsheet. The amount of people that ask me every single day, can you post my list? Can you contribute? I wanna make this as efficient as possible and streamline this because I understand that everybod lifts. Now here's the thing, Absolutely not to the fact that teachers don't get paid enough. I, I feel very strongly about this, all this. Also them kids, okay, you're out there doing the best you can and these little shits aren't even grateful. They aren't even grateful. Somebody's going to splice me saying shout out to the teacher. And them kids, I already know someone's going to splice that together and that's going to become some sort of viral meme moment on the Internet. And then like, everyone is going to say like, Heather is a horrible person, but you know what I'm saying? Shout out to the teachers and them kids. These kids are coming in. They didn't do their summer reading, they are ungrateful. And they didn't even show up with the damn sharpened pencil. So what are we doing though, dude? The summer, the teacher list. That is overwhelming. And I, I am overwhelmed with the amount of people that are asking me to help fill their list. Like, I'm happy to do it, but when you're getting a hundred DMS a day of the same thing, we got to figure out, like, maybe we gotta fix the problem. And I love that the, the place that you work at is like, hey, it's making us look bad. Well, guess what, Charlie, Caroline over here is not making enough money. She's gotta buy the highlighters. You know how expensive highlighters are Also, where do you even buy them other than Amazon? There's no office Max Staples around? I don't know. I haven't seen one in a beat. That's stressful. Being a teacher. Stressful. The hours are stressful. You do sometimes get summers off. I love watching these videos on Tick Tock too, of these, like, young. They're fresh out of college. You know, it's their first teaching job, and they are organizing the school. They're organizing their rooms. So cute. And this is how I know I could never be a teacher. I would have been the worst teacher. And not that I don't think I could come in and do, like, a scared straight program in a school that's like, you're never gonna make it, kid, if you don't know if you don't do xyz. But I never had that level of. There were. There was always two. Okay, well, we're talking about, like, traits and women. You know, the girl in school who you knew was going to be a teacher because she could doodle so perfectly, and when she took notes, everything was perfectly. It was in a bubble, and it was just absolute perfection. When I would take notes as a kid, I would wake up. I. First of all, I'd fall asleep and guess everything makes me sleepy. And then I wake up, and I had all of the shaved pencil marks on my arm, and I would walk around like I had a bruised claw because my. My hand would cramp up from doing the. From trying to do the doodles. And then I would just have soot all down my arm. And people like, Heather, did you take a single note? I'm like, no, but I need to go to the hospital. I did not take a single note. Kelsey, can I see your notebook? Wow.
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Wow.
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You don't have adhd, do you? That's the most beautiful note taking I've ever seen. The girls who could doodle, I was so jealous of. I mean, I was doodling. I was just doing my signature over and over again, waiting for the day that somebody outside of one of my many junior high theatrical performances would ask me for an autograph. And that would never happen. It's a little sad. In my career, I've missed the autograph. Nobody asked for you to sign things anymore, which is kind of sad. Yeah. But I always woke up in the back of the class with my hand in a little T. Rex position with just soot all down my arm, which was pencil shaving, and I'd fall asleep. And then because I would be sweating in my school uniform because cortisol was high back then as well, the notebook would be a Little damp. It just. I was. That wasn't my. That wasn't my thing. But you always knew that girl Kelsey, who took immaculate notes, had perfect bubble letter, perfect penmanship, she was going to be a teacher. And that. That girl now is posting on TikTok showing how perfect her classrooms are. And I don't know who's fitting that bill to. To put all the doilies up on the ceiling and to make it perfect. I mean, y' all are out there making. You're creative, you're considerate, the classrooms are impeccable, and it's some bullshit that you're not making enough. I mean, what you would think. You would think. Call me crazy, you would think that we would pay the teachers more because they are in charge of the little shits. And as somebody who is not a parent yet, you don't think I'm dropping my kids off at school going, if they. If they do something? I bet they did. You know, I bet if little. If little Jeffrey is acting like an asshole, it's probably because his dad was in a bad mood on the way to school. So he. If he did it, I'm. Do what you gotta do. Do what you gotta do. I will get the on that this week that we can come up with a Google Drive where we can try and fulfill a lot of these lists because it is truly overwhelming. And that's. The school doesn't want you to look bad. They don't want to look bad. Meanwhile, you don't even have fucking markers. You're making $14 an hour and they want you to buy supplies. No. Any way I can help out? We're going to help out. This is insane. God. Absolutely not. These teachers are out here doing the best they can. Oh, God. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [31:50]
C
Heather, how are you doing with this heat? I'm really struggling. Humidity, all this corn. You've been to Omaha. You understand what I'm calling this week about is absolutely not to everything in the grocery store being labeled as high protein. You know, I just stopped at the grocery store and I saw high protein coffee, high protein bread, high protein soda. Enough with the high protein. Absolutely not. You know, I feel like we're being scammed from every angle possible about protein. And, you know, I got to thinking, I'm from Nebraska. My family crossed the ocean, took a covered wagon to dig a hole in the ground, and live with their 10 children in the 1800s. And do you think they were all getting their body weight in grams of protein? Absolutely not. Do we really need that kind of like drinking water, you know, I've never seen my parents nor my grandparents drink a glass of water and I sure as hell ain't seen them eat 200 grams of protein a day. So absolutely not to the high protein. You know, if it ain't high protein, it's high fiber. Which I can get on board with that. Cause we all need a little extra move. But good God almighty, enough with the high protein. Anyways, have a good week.
- [33:05]
A
Love and light. Shout out to Nebraska. Love Nebraska. Great place, great people. Couldn't agree with you more, buddy. I mean, at some point when everything becomes high protein, you're not gonna shit for a week. Absolutely not to everybody. Just shove in the high protein. Of course you need protein, great. It keeps you satiated, helps you build muscle. But at some point, if you're just sucking down jerky and raw chicken, chicken bites, you're not gonna shit for a week. I mean, we gotta add some fiber in there. A leafy green, for God's sakes. And when you see things in the grocery store, specifically like a high protein, when it says yeah, it's a soda. High protein candy bar. High protein. It's not, it's not. For God's sakes, we have lost the plot. I keep saying this, but we really have. I got this bag of edamame beans. They're like freeze dried dehydrated edamame beans that I have been just shoveling into my palm and then putting to the front of my face. Because they say high protein. I choked on one the other day. Literally got lodged in the back of the throat, choking. I can't catch my breath. And Jeff said, you gotta pump the brakes. I said I gotta get my protein. I tight protein, Jeff. I haven't hit my goals and my protein. If you're a 200 pound woman, your protein goals are absurd. I need to go out to a farm, find a cow and just take a bite. If I don't have a quarter hind every night, a tomahawk T bone, it's not enough. I'm stressed out. And who wants to do high protein in the middle of the summer when it's 110 degrees humidity? You know what I'm not trying to do? Eat a pork loin. It's too hot, get away from me. Maybe the accoutrement, the applesauce I can handle. I'm hot, I'm sweaty and there's too much meat. But I guess enjoy the high protein now because I keep seeing these things on the Internet. And I don't mean to get creepy about it, but I keep seeing this shit about the. About the meat that's not meat, but it's the AI meat, but it's the other meat. And we might be eating that meat. So on the other hand of it, enjoy the tomahawk steak now, because I think we got about a year left and we're not even eating real meat. And I don't know who the meat is, but it ain't the real meat. You know what I'm saying? It's some other meat. But it basically feels like anytime you leave your house, you can't win. You put one foot in front of the other, you get up, you make your coffee. Okay, I'm saving a couple dollars here. I'm making my coffee at home. I got my coffee routine that's down. I'm making my high protein breakfast. You leave the house, you're like, maybe I'm eating a salad. You know what? Fuck it. I'm going to get a slice of pizza. I'm going to do my thing. High protein. Putting a quarter pound of fully full throttle nitrate pepperoni on a slice of pizza is not high protein. That is just cancer on a slab. And I hate to even say that, but come on, the high protein, some of y', all, you don't even want to be downwind of somebody that's been high protein. Oh, my God, it's disgusting. I mean, God forbid we have a little scoop of quinoa in there. It's not going to kill us. It's really not.
- [36:20]
C
Heather.
- [36:20]
A
Oh, I played this again. It's not all of these trends. I mean, for fuck's sake, have a glass of water. Sit down and shut up. Sit down and shut up. Up. I'm always on a tear when I'm. When I'm not feeling good. Like, I'm sweating right now, my head is pounding. I really get on a tear because I. It just feels like we're doing so many things and nothing is ever good enough. And we're about to start a fresh year. Whether you're going back to college, your kids are going back to school, you know, we're going to Q3. Next thing you know, it'll be Christmas and you'll have gout because you ate too much fucking chicken liver. Because you're hitting your protein goals. The goalpost is always moving. You're never gonna hit it. It's never gonna happen. And if I have to watch a bunch of fitness TikTok influencers show me how to put A bunch of Greek yogurt and cottage cheese and a Ninja Creami. Add a little vanilla syrup to it and a couple pork rinds and they're like, well, now we made, we made Rocky road ice cream and we're hitting our protein goals. Fucking kill me. That's disgusting. If you just add cottage cheese, pork rinds, a little vanilla, some, some chocolate pudding mix, you have Rocky Road Ninja Creamy. High protein, low fat, no carb ice cream. If you eat that at night, you're gonna be farting, just ripping through your sheets. I don't want to get in bed with somebody who just had a pork grind. Cottage cheese Ninja Creamy Protein Delight. No. The amount of people that I follow that are making cottage cheese, cat litter, scoop of bovine whey, half a horse hoof. Then if you add a little freeze dried strawberries, you get Neapolitan ice cream. Ninja Creamy. Some of y' all are doing dark things in your Ninja Creamies and it needs to stop. Would I love a Ninja Creamy? I would love a Ninja Creamy, but I do it the right way. Sugar, milk, maybe some cocaine, I don't know. Let me Ninja Creamy the right way. Oh, my God. And we wonder why colon cancer's on the rise. Because y' all haven't shit in three weeks. Because you're creamed up. You're like, you have so much pork rinds and protein just clogging the back end. It's not good. It's not good. Let's get some fiber. Everybody calm down. Calm down. Because you're never gonna hit those goals. Let me tell you what, I was not drinking this weekend, but I had something even better. I have now been turned on to Silent Flower. It is the best. And I don't even care that I'm cursing because that's how strongly I feel about it. Silent Flower is a non alcoholic THC rose. It's a crisp, crisp drinking substitute for the alcoholic version. It's nice and dry. It's not too sweet. Okay? It is frickin fresh and delicious. I met the owner. My boy dropped off the perfect amount at my front doorstep. I said, we're going to the OAR concert. Let's have a good time. Let's try some. And I was cruising. I felt great all night and I did not wake up with a nasty hangover on Sunday. It has a rapid onset, so you feel the uplift in around like 20 minutes with the effect similar to your favorite glass of. It's made from California Chardonnay and Cabernet grapes. It's all natural with no stevia or other artificial sweeteners. It's non alcoholic, but it has a perfect amount of thc. So it pairs especially well with friends, the pool, and those afternoons when I'm feeling especially golf widowed when Jeff is out of the house and I'm floating around in the pool and I don't want to have like a glass of wine because I just don't want to have the headache later. I am now stocking my fridge full of the Silent Flower THC rose. And here's the thing. It's really delicious. It's great and it only has 35 calories, less than half the amount in a glass of traditional alcoholic. And it's just fricking awesome. So I have really become a huge fan of the entire brand and I think you will like it too. Visit drinksilentflower.com golf widow and use code absolutely at checkout for 15% off your first order. That's drinksilentflower.com golf Widow and use code absolutely at checkout for fifteen percent off. And definitely follow them on Instagram @drinksilentflower. Their content is fucking great. I'm telling you what, I love everybody over at the team at Silent Flower. This is a product that I truly am so glad I am working with because it's fricking awesome and delicious. And if you're trying to cut back on alcohol, but you still want something to take the edge off and you want to turn down the noise a little bit, if you will, you need to check them out again. Follow them on Instagram. Drinksilentflower. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. You've heard me talk about BetterHelp for a long time, but I don't know that we've ever actually talked about how much people love this service when they use it. You can check it out yourself@betterhelp.com reviews to see amazing customer reviews in real time. BetterHelp, to me is just an absolute game changer. It's online therapy that you can use anywhere, which is such a huge, huge part of it. Like, we're all traveling, we're all busy and we all wanna talk to somebody, but it's impossible to, like, get in to see somebody. The reviews speak for themselves though, and they're updated every day with hundreds of people saying how much they love BetterHelp and how helpful it's been to them. Please visit betterhelp.com reviews to see for yourself. BetterHelp has a average live therapy session rating of 4.9 out of 5 based on over 1.7 million client session reviews. That's huge, dude. The feedback from people who actually use the service speaks for itself and more than 6 million people have used BetterHelp globally. See the reviews, see what stands out and see if BetterHelp is right for you. Visit betterhelp.com Absolutely. That's better. H E L P.com Absolutely. Again, BetterHelp makes it easy to get started. Answer a few questions, get matched with a therapist based on your needs and switch therapists at any time. If it's not the right fit, this is truly a no brainer. Visit betterhelp.com Absolutely. That's betterhelp.com Absolutely. And now back to the podcast. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [42:36]
C
Hey Heather, I got an Absolutely knot for you. Just did two weeks around Europe. Fantastic weather, walked 20,000 steps a day, ate great food, felt like it was all healthy. Absolutely not. The first workout when you get home after vacation just feeling like an absolute out of shape slob. I don't get it. I felt like I worked so hard before I went on vacation. I even did a couple of cute berries workouts on vacation. But getting home, that first weightlifting session, that first run, never felt more out of shape in my life. I don't know. I don't get it. Somehow you just think you're fit on vacation and then you get home and it's all gone but love and light. We'll get back to normal routine and feel fit. Hopefully some point later this summer. Thanks.
- [43:25]
A
I love you. Dear caller, thank you for calling in. Here's the deal. I feel like a lot of this episode is us saying that we're like never going to get to that goal. And it feels that way. I've never once gone on vacation though and felt fit. I always get to vacation and go, I should have started working out six months ago. I am the fattest bitch in the bikini right now. I hate myself. Why did I do this? So I've never showed up on vacation or a trip and be like feeling thin. Never happened. Not once months. So good for you. Good for you for doing the work beforehand. I get to the vacation and go, I'm so burnt out. I deserve this. Give me pasta. That's what I do. But there is nothing more humbling than coming back from a European adventure vacation and then you, you think you're like, okay, back to the routine, healthy lifestyle and you are just gasping for air. Death gripping the side of the treadmill at a Barry's boot camp up and they're like, thought you were in Nice. How was San Trope? Oh, you thought you were getting hot pcks on the beach. Turn the volume up, Turn the speed up on the. The treadmill. Nothing more humbling than coming home and trying to get back into your routine. Having to do the meal prep. Choking down dried turkey. Did that the other day. I wanted to die. And I make the mistake. I'm all or nothing. I'm either in it or I'm out. And so on Friday of last week, I went into. We built a gym in our basement. It's just in an extra garage. And Jeff, like, perfectly cut these rubber mats, and we're gonna get, like, mirrors installed so we can watch ourselves. Jeff was just gonna get, like, tits up mirrors. I'm like, that's sad, Jeff. We need full length mirrors again. Jeff with the mirrors and the lights. We need full length mirrors in the gym so we can see our fucking bodies and see what's happening. And this smell, the scent of these rubber mats that Jeff installed himself. I don't know if there's glue underneath, but you have to leave the garage door open because you will asphyxiate yourself. It is nauseating. I'm down there trying to bench press, trying to do deadlifts, Roman deadlifts, all this, of course, but I can hear the cartilage in my knees just cracking. I know I have to ice it down later. I'm sweating because I've got a early onset sinus infection, but I'm like, push through, push through. You got this school starting on Monday, and I'm choking. I'm like, why does it smell so bad in this space? I open the garage door and then the Georgia humidity comes in, and I'm just getting attacked by mosquitoes while I'm doing a deadlift of 35 pounds. I mean, I am so out of shape right now, it's embarrassing. I am mortified. I am starting from bare bones. Bottom of the barrel, girl. And I wasn't in shape when I went to Europe in the first place. Do I lose, like, ten pounds when I go there? Yes. And immediately, as soon as I touch down on American soil, I swell back up. So I love that you even put in the effort to go to go to Europe in the first place. At least you were trying to show a healthy example and representation of what a healthy American looks like. I don't. I show up and I can hear the whisperings of old Italian known as being like. That's why. That's a why they. They're so fat and sick. Look at her. Look at her. Meanwhile, I'm sitting in a lounge chair, sunburned, just slurping down an aperol spritz with a cig hanging out of my mouth, being like, I love vacation. I go on vacation, I'm like, you know, when I. When I get back, I'm changing my lifestyle every time. I've never shown up to vacation in a good. I didn't even show up to my wedding, like, in a good spot. I was like, you know what? This is time. This is time for me. And when I get back, I'm going to really change my lifestyle. Child, that is what vacation is for me. For me to settle in my brain, rest my bones, indulge in the most opulent ways possible, and then really reconsider every decision I've ever made in my life. Scarf down gelato, orange, just rice balls to the face. And then I'm like, when I get home, I'm gonna be a different person. I'm gonna hit those protein goals. And I don't. And I don't. But, yeah, nothing is darker, deeper than that. That post, that post vacation, we're home. Rip the band aid, throw the laundry in, fluff the pillows, back to the schedule. I do strongly believe that you need a day in between. If you land on a Sunday, you got to take Monday off. You start Tuesday, you gotta have that one day buff. You can go get a fresh mani patty, maybe get an eyebrow done, ease into the healthy living. But you got to have that one day buffer, because if you. If you jump right back into it. You're asking. You're asking for it, buddy. It's. That's a. That's a hard pivot. That's a sharp turn. And I hear you on that. I. I think you called in just to brag to tell me that at one point you had some sort of abdominal definition and you had your shit together enough to get in shape. Before the vacation, I did one day of weightlifting in my garage, basically huffing paint, and now I have a intense sinus infection. I was supposed to start a program on Monday. I got a low grade fever. You tell me what to do. I feel like I genuinely am always trying to put my best foot forward. The effort is there. You cannot say that I'm not putting in the effort, but for some reason, the universe is just like, like, yeah, we're gonna make it a little more difficult on you. You know what I'm saying? Got a dry cough, probably from huffing the glue. Maybe Jeff shouldn't put the mirrors in the gym. He's like, it's the, he's calling it the iron paradise. What? There's nothing, there's nothing joyful about being down there sweating with him while we huff paint. But we decided we were going to build this gym. We still have to get a treadmill and we're gonna put a sauna. And we really said in this house, in this new space that we're in, we're really dedicating, like trying to be well together. Wellness and mental health. Wellness and in love and joy and just like, well together. That was like one of our things. We're gonna be well together. And now I am rid. We probably have like black mold under the mats that Jeff laid down. Little rainwater got in there because it's rained every day. And now I'm just out. I'm, I'm. You're just gonna find me in the fetal position under a 10 pound dumbbell with my little arm crooked. Just like, somebody take me to the hospital, somebody. I mean, I just survived gout. I was so proud of myself. Back up and at it. Two days later, I'm at an urgent care going, take me, Lord, just take me, just take me. I'm doing the best I can. I hear you. Nothing more humbling than saying a river dare cheat Italy, coming back to Minnesota and just getting your dick kicked in at a crunch Fitness. Been there, baby. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [50:31]
B
We're gonna remain anonymous on this one, but if any of my friends ever listen to this, they'll know exactly who this is. Anyway, saw you recently asked for recommendations for attorneys in the Mississippi coast, Alabama coast. I have one from freshman year of college when I hooked up with one who was 24, 20 years my senior during LSU Bama weekend. Can't really get into the nitty gritty on here for obvious reasons, but would love to send some work his way. You know, it's been about 15 years, so the statute of limitations is long gone. And really there's, there's no bad blood. I actually almost just bought a house on the same street with his last name, so that would have been a fun reminder all the time. Ended up going with a different one. Anyway, good luck with the gout. Hang in there. It's hot down here in the south this week. Love you, girl. Bye.
- [51:25]
A
Love you, dude. Absolutely, yes to a little, little college confession. Now, I was looking for a lawyer on the coast because we're trying to get the clearance for this one particular three six mafia Song that we want to use for special. We've been trying to get the clearance forever. Three six Mafia signed off. I'm ready to pay the fee. But they used a sample of a song and we couldn't find the. We just needed a very specific attorney for this one thing because this one guy passed away. We couldn't find it. Not giving you all the details because it's stupid and boring and like a pain in the ass. Regardless, there's something about a lawyer from Mississippi or the coast that just gets. It gets you horny. So. Girl, I hear you. So what? From what I understood about this little quiet confession that you just called in, you hooked up. You were in college and you hooked up with an attorney from the coast of either Alabama or Mississippi who is 20 years your senior. And I'm gonna go ahead and tell you right now, I have a feeling that she probably got a DUI at Alabama. That's what happened. She got a DUI at Alabama. And somebody said, go call my uncle down in Mobile. He's an attorney. He's gonna get you out. Does the criminal defense sense. And they met up somewhere off the highway to have an iced tea to talk about the case, and the next thing you know, they're bumping uglies in the back of the Lexus. Yeah. There is something very sexy about a man from the south who's passed the bar, you know what I'm saying? And you may not get this. You may be sitting in your hoity toity house in Connecticut right now. Be like, why? Why would I ever be attracted to a man who has two last names for a first name and a last name? It's like, it's always a man named like, Stetten, Martin. Martin, Stent Martin. That's your attorney. Every time he's got on a pair of like, madras pants, some boat shoes, crocodile belt, crisp white button down, a cufflink that's got his alma mater. He's got like a Roll Tide cufflink. Smells like. What does he smell like? Oh, cool. That's what my dad wore. My dad wore cool cologne. K O O L, right? No, Davidoff. Davidoff. Cool. David Off Water. Cool water. Cool water. One of those in a blue bottle smelled like my father. I was attracted to him. You know exactly what this guy looked like had. He had. Had that frat hair, that Bieber hair. Still had good hair at like 40. Still had that good hair. Yeah. In his early 40s. And yeah, he was just flipping that hair hot. You met up with him to talk about your Minor in possession. And by minor, you're 18, but you're not 21. Or like you're 20, you're not 21. And next thing you know, he's like, I mean, I'm not saying anything, but I give you a 10 discount if you let me see them titties. And you're like, honestly, you were hot. There was something very, very sexy about an older Southern man who could dress well and had some money and maybe a boat. You know what I'm saying? Something very sexy about that. And I love the full circle moment here, ma', am, that you thought that you were going to live on the same. On the same street. I love that. And I think you should. I would love to move on the same street as some of my old hookups. Oh, yeah. Knock, knock. Guess who's here. Your worst nightmare. There is something sexy about an older Southern attorney. Oh, my God. My second husband will absolutely be like a. A trial attorney for some. For some South Carolina murder trial. His name will be Beauregard, and he'll drink a little too much whiskey at night, but live a big dong and actually be kind of fun to hang out with, you know? He's a rebel, too. That's the thing. A Southern attorney. I'm not talking about, like an old conservative man. I'm talking about a man who's like, we're gonna get to justice. So maybe not a trial attorney, but you know what I'm saying? Oh, but every Southern sorority girl always had somebody's uncle who was. Who would get you out of like a D or an MIP or drunk in public or something. Everybody had that. When you. You got to call Carol's uncle. Oh, my God. Have you called? He's hot. Oh, my God, he drives. He drives like a Cadillac Escalade. He is hot. He was like 45, still at his hair, good tan because he's always on the lake every weekend. I get it. I understand the fantasy now. He doesn't look that great, but his daddy looks good. You know what I mean? He's going through an awkward period. He's like, now he's probably mid-50s, definitely needs to possibly get on a GLP1 and maybe just like a skincare regimen. But now, Daddy Senior, oh, my God, Mr. Martin Senior is looking good, refined, perfect salt and pepper hair, Wears lavender button down shirts with his alma mater cuff links. He's retired. He is retired from running the. The law firm. And he has tons of money and he has a. A nice beach house down the Hilton Heads oh, my God. Now, his. His nuts are probably a little droopy, but, you know, he's got that good, good South Carolina money. He's handsome, and he is driving the Porsche 911. So you ain't mad at it? You like, should we go to the outlets in Hilton Head? Mr. Martin, he's like, I thought you never asked. You want to hit a Gap outlet? Let's get you some sneakers. Oh, yeah. Something hot. Something hot about a Southern attorney. Zaddy. I'm going to Mississippi to pop in and see some my DG girls possibly, and. And go check on the house here this weekend. And let me tell you what I'm gonna be. I might just walk around the square a little bit, knock on one of the. The attorney's doors and say, hello, I need representation for being this horny.
- [57:47]
C
How are you?
- [57:48]
A
I get it, girl. I get it. And again, I think I wasted so much of my time in college hanging out at fraternities when I should have been hanging out at law offices looking for an older gentleman who could take me for a. For a nice filet dinner. Don't waste your time at the fraternity house. Young women, they ain't got any money. They got bush light money. I want Kentucky bourbon money, honey. That's what you got to look for. Oh, I'm getting hot and horny. I'm sweating through my Z pack. I got to get out of here. I cannot wait to see you guys back on the road. So please get your tickets at Heather on tour dot com. I will be in Vegas in a week. I'm sorry? I'll be in Atlantic City in a week. Then I'll be in Mississippi. Then we're going to Vegas, and we will be announcing a whole broader tour as well. And I have a very exciting announcement of my special very, very soon. Can't wait to share that with you. In the meantime, if this is your first week back at school or you are back in the trenches, you are shopping for your kids, you're getting the summer reading you're doing the most. You're getting them back to college, wherever the hell the family's going. I know everyone's dispersing right now. I want you to know this is a time to regroup, refocus. Don't worry about getting your protein goals. Put a Zen in the bottom lip, get to HomeGoods and just survive. That's where we're at this week. We're just getting through. Doesn't have to be perfect. We just got to get there. Just get there. I'll see you at home, Goods. I'll see you on the road. I love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the next episode. Ciao, bella. Of Riverdocchi. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. Hop from train to train I feel the vibration taking control of me Shines a light so bright it plays out like a symphony.