Absolutely Not — “Hope and a Prayer”
Host: Heather McMahan
Release Date: September 3, 2025

Episode Overview

In this lively episode of "Absolutely Not," comedian Heather McMahan celebrates the return of fall, sports, and the chaos of juggling busy schedules. She serves up her trademark candid, relatable humor as she complains, reflects, and connects—fielding real-life listener voicemails on everything from relationship gripes to neighborhood dramas. Heather opens up about her personal need for privacy, her stress management journey (potentially via kickboxing), and the wild tour life ahead—peppering everything with unapologetic honesty and infectious laughter.

Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Fall, Football, and "Doing the Most" (00:00–06:15)

• Heather opens with a comedic take on post-Labor Day life, saying it’s “time to fatten up.”
  • "Once Labor Day comes, summer's over. Put up the white shorts. Pack up the bathing suits. I don't wanna be in a bathing suit until March 15..." (01:08)
• She laments the “crispiness” of September weather, saying it makes her worry about a harsh winter.
  • “If it's that cool and perfect and idyllic on September 1... you know what's not going to be great? Winter.” (02:00)
• Shares the joy of simple pleasures: iced tea, Publix fried chicken, and dog kisses.
• Teases her absurd workout: “weighted vest, waist trainer, ankle weights,” (01:28) clarifying she wears the waist trainer “just to hold my back up... for posture.”

2. The Crazy Tour Schedule & Upcoming Events (06:16–13:00)

• Breaks down her wild upcoming tour and media schedule:
  • Omaha → Denver → LA for the Emmys (“I’m doing the Emmys red carpet again!” 07:21) → Milwaukee → Minneapolis → Ryder Cup in NYC (“The Ryder Cup is really fun. And ladies, if you are looking to meet a man, go out to the Ryder Cup!” 08:58)
• Offers tongue-in-cheek dating advice:
  • “If you don’t meet an American man—because honestly, fuck ‘em—you will meet yourself a hottie with a body from... Sweden, Norway.” (09:09)
• Candid about living “off Jersey Mike’s and a hope and a prayer.” (12:29)

3. Family Dynamics & Craving Privacy (13:01–19:30)

• Discusses looking at a house “three doors down from my mom” to finally get her own space.
  • “When I spend time with my mom, I want it to be quality... I am always three steps ahead, making sure everybody knows what the schedule is... but it’s—the loose screw is Robin.” (16:17)
• Shares hilarious stories of avoiding overly involved neighbors and family (“army crawl through the kitchen... to avoid turning on the lights” 15:34).
• Vents about living with her mom, Robin: interrupted sleep, squeaky doors, and Robin’s “undiagnosed ADHD.”
  • “Robin is obviously undiagnosed ADHD, but I said, we gotta control it. We gotta... get this manic anxiety out.” (18:15)

4. Managing Stress with Martial Arts (19:31–23:18)

• Heather considers jiu jitsu, kickboxing, or “something physical” to manage stress and channel anxiety.
  • “I just want to kick and punch and kick and punch. Yeah, that might be what I need.” (21:23)
  • Reflects on childhood love of Taebo: “If you were not a fat kid and didn’t grow up with Billy Blanks... then you, you didn’t. You’re not a millennial.” (22:26)
• Wants to “hang out with a bunch of dudes and we just sweat... and then I leave. And then I’m just like, nicer to my mom.” (23:03)

5. Listener Voicemails: Relationships, Dogs, and Cake Pronunciation

a. The "Homeward Bound" Husband (24:27–26:40)

• Caller’s husband chooses to watch “Homeward Bound” solo, which Heather finds suspicious.
  • “If you are above 30 and you, on your free night, decide to watch Homeward Bound, you are in a dark spot.” (26:19)
  • Suggests extra TLC—a playful example of overanalyzing domestic quirks.

b. Dog Poop “No Poop, No Pee” Neighbors (30:25–36:05)

• Jake from Denver vents about excessive anti-dog signs in neighbors’ yards.
• Heather’s response:
  • “What are you supposed to f*cking do? No poop, no pee, no fun, no walkie, no doggy.” (31:48)
  • Suggests (jokingly) shouting “vaginal mesh sling” if confronted, to avoid further questions about dog bathroom habits.
    • “You yell that your dog has a vaginal mesh sling and people will keep walking. They’ll go, ‘Oh my God, not Muffins!’” (34:07)
• Commiserates about HOAs and neighborhood politics.

c. The “Petits Fours” Pronunciation Crisis (42:15–49:32)

• Caller Tara confused by Southern women pronouncing “petits fours” as “pedophores.”
• Heather’s breakdown:
  • “It’s a petaphore. That’s what you call them.” (43:14)
  • Jokes about themed parties around little cakes: “I’m imagining just a bunch of fat women in Nashville sitting around just trays of different decorated Pettiforce...” (44:51)
  • On tea parties: “Nothing makes me happier than thinking about a bunch of diabetic women from Tennessee sitting around just woofing down little cakes, little tea cakes.” (46:20)
  • Admits to hating tea sandwiches: “Just give me the scones. Leave the colada cream and a lemon curd and take those tea sandwiches and walk them out of here.” (47:50)

d. Sacramento Ticket Issues & Touring Challenges (49:55–56:00)

• Listener finally gets Eventbrite refund after show cancellation, asks about future shows.
• Heather reassures:
  • “If for any reason you have not gotten your refund, you need to contact the Attorney General. I know that sounds extreme, but truly contact them.” (50:35)
  • Promises Sacramento will get rescheduled, explains the complexity of booking venues and scheduling.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Post-Labor Day Mood:
  • “This is my time to fatten up.” (01:12)
• On Family & Privacy:
  • “I need a home where I can shut the door... We can’t live like this. I am always three steps ahead, making sure everybody knows what the schedule is.” (15:50)
• On Managing Anxiety:
  • “Maybe I need to be in that—[martial arts]—energy. So then... I can go out and have softer, gentler relationships with the other women in my life that I’m being really short with right now because hoes are acting crazy right now.” (21:09)
• On the Silly Little Things:
  • “If you yell that your dog has a vaginal mesh sling, and people will keep walking.” (34:07)
  • “I actually don’t like tea parties... I don’t like finger sandwiches.” (47:46)
• On Decision Fatigue:
  • “I’m suffering from decision fatigue. I don’t really want to pick what I want for dinner. I don’t care window or aisle. I’ve been making a lot of decisions, and I just need to turn that part of my brain off, because that’s where the burnout comes from.” (54:27)

Tour Updates & The Joy of Live Shows (13:00, 53:00–55:00)

• Provides extensive tour info and expresses gratitude for fans.
  • “Being back on the road has truly brought so much love and joy and light into my life.” (53:40)
  • Upcoming shows: Omaha, Denver, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Seattle, Tampa, Jacksonville, Vegas, and more (54:12).
  • Teases special events like the “Unwell Weekend” in Vegas with Alex Cooper, Paris Hilton, Nicole Byer, and more (52:15).

Thematic Wrap-Up & Heather’s Mindset (56:30–End)

• Reflects on the challenges of decision fatigue, burnout, and the importance of returning to your roots:
  • “When you’re in a difficult season, just know it is a season... Change is coming. Good is around the corner.” (56:30)
  • Reaffirms the purpose of comedy and connection: “I do this because I love it and I love making people laugh and bringing joy and take all the pressure off of it...” (56:45)

Useful Timestamps

• 00:00 — Heather’s chaotic, candid intro; post-Labor Day vibes
• 06:16 — Upcoming travel & touring schedule
• 13:01 — Family life, boundaries, and craving privacy
• 19:31 — Martial arts as therapy
• 24:27 — Voicemail: Husband’s sad movie night (Homeward Bound)
• 30:25 — Voicemail: Neighborhood dog drama
• 42:15 — Voicemail: Cake pronunciation and Southern culture
• 49:55 — Voicemail: Sacramento ticketing and show rescheduling
• 54:12 — Tour rundown and decision fatigue discussion
• 56:30 — Wrap-up: Reflection on seasons, pressure, and joy

Tone & Style

Heather’s signature blend of self-deprecation, bold honesty, and effusive humor keep the episode lively and relatable. She mixes laugh-out-loud moments with genuine vulnerability about stress, family, and life’s curveballs, underscoring it all with a joyful “we’re-in-this-together” spirit.

For New Listeners

This episode is a showcase of Heather’s ability to turn daily discomforts and personal anxieties into comedy and camaraderie. Whether you’re dealing with overbearing family, impossible schedules, or the existential question of why grown adults cry during “Homeward Bound,” Heather offers a safe, hilarious space to feel less alone and a little more hopeful.