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- [00:00]
A
The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I look rough under here. I've got fresh hair from Salty Locks. My hair looks fantastic, but underneath I put on makeup, but it's still. It's just busted. And I'm in an oversized jean jacket that I know will make me look like the size of Kilimanjaro on YouTube. But I don't care, because here we are. Football's back, sports are back. We're doing sports and we're having a blast. Fall is here. You are queer. I need a drink. And I'm a dink, which is dual income, no kids. That's what's up. I was on my hot girl walk yesterday and it was the labor. It was the day of labor. And I'll tell you what, it was a little too chilly for my liking. Now I'm ready for fall. Once Labor Day comes, summer's over. Put up the white shorts. Pack up the bathing suits. I don't wanna be in a bathing suit until March 15, spring break on my birthday. OK, well, I don't want to talk about it. This is my time to fatten up. But I was on my hot girl walk yesterday with my weighted vest and my waist trainer and my ankle weights. Don't ask. I'm not even using the waist trainer to train the waist I have because everybody's been doing these weighted vest, which I wear. But the problem is if you have a bad lower back, it kind of fucks up your back. So I bought this weight waist trainer thing just to hold my back up so my posture would be good with the weighted vest. So I'm not even training the waist. I'm just trying to stay upright is where I'm at. And then I had my little ankle weights and I was on my walk and it felt so nice out yesterday, but it got a little too crispy. Hear me out. For September 1st, it felt a little too crisp crispy. And that made me nervous because if it, if it's that cool and perfect and idyllic on September 1, the day of our Lord and Savior, you know what's not going to be great? Winter. And I know you're thinking, Heather, you're jumping to conclusions. Heather, you're really speedballing right now. Well, when I have to catch a flight. So we are zipping But I. I'm getting a little nervous that winter is going to be harsh. And I don't want to be negative. You know, I just want to be positive. But I get concerned that winter is coming. I don't like it, but I'm warning you, you might have to bring the thermals out from the attic a week or two early. And I'm not. I'm not talking about Groundhog Day. You know that little critter, that little vermin who sees his shadow every year? Fuck him. I'm just saying I'm a little worried. It's a little crispier on the first day of fall. Anywho, what is up? I was traveling a little bit, doing some personal stuff this weekend. And then I sat my ass on Sunday on my porch with an ice cold glass of unsweet tea and I got some fried chicken from Publix. I ordered the chicken tenders and I got a gorgeous Duke's mayo dip. And I was just living my Labor Day truth. The Southern. I was doing my Southern Publix chicken tender and mayonnaise and iced tea. Little rigmarole. And I was having the time of my life. And I kissed my dogs on the mouth and I did a lot of laundry, and that's what I did. So if y' all were traveling, if you were at the lake, if you were at a resort, good for you. But I didn't do diddly squat. And I couldn't have been happier because the next couple weeks are going to be fucking insane. I'm going to walk you through the schedule this weekend. Okay? I'm traveling for some personal things I can't get into. We'll look back in a year from now and I'll be able to let you know what's up and you'll be like, lol. She made it through. But regardless. So I'm traveling to a couple other places. Then the. The schedule is as follows. Omaha, then Denver, then I'm in LA for a week. I'm doing the Emmys red carpet again. I don't know if I'm allowed to say it, but whatever. You'll see me. We're probably announcing in two days. Then I'm doing the Emmys red carpet. I'm shooting like three commercials while we're there. We're podcasting. Then I basically go home. I'm home in Atlanta for maybe 48 hours. Then I gotta go to Milwaukee. And then I think I'm going, where am I going? Milwaukee and Minneapolis. Then I go straight from there to New York City, because I'm doing a bunch of shit for the Ryder Cup. So then I'm going to be in New York, out at Bethpage for the Ryder cup, which is the elite golf event that happens every two years, USA versus Europe. And if you're in New York, you should come out to the Ryder cup. One, because I will be dressed impeccably, head to toe, in, in a specific designer that I'm not allowed to say yet, but it's going to be pretty amazing. Hopefully they put me in good shit. Dear Lord, please don't make me look fat. But the Ryder cup is really fun. And ladies, if you are looking to meet a man, go out to the Ryder cup, take the train, take the Long Island Railroad, the LIRR out there, get date passes. And if you don't meet an American man, because honestly, fuck em, you will meet yourself, a hottie with a body from, you know, Sweden, Norway. You'll meet a nice Irish man who loves Rory McElroy and you can scissor in the parking lot. That is where you can, you're going to meet some hotties. So the Ryder cup is an event that happens every two years. And last time the Writer cup happened, that's when I went to Italy and it was right outside of Rome. So Jeff and I were in Rome for the Ryder cup and I'm so excited it's on our soil. I do think it's going to be a little bit of a shit show being in New York because apparently the UN Summit's also happening. So I would suggest if you were in the city, take the train out. So then we're going to be in New York for a week, then we come back and I'm back on the road and I'm just grinding out shows. So we're, we're, we're at it. We're living out of a suitcase. We're back to our bullshit. We're doing the most. We're, you know, living off of Jersey, Mike's and a Hope and a Prayer. So as long as you guys are cool with me crashing out every couple days on this podcast, then, then we're back to business, baby. We are back to business. So, yeah, a lot of stuff happening. A lot of stuff just going on. There's a lot of, there's a lot of stuff going on. Jeff's fine, Robin's fine, but there's a lot of stuff going on. No, Jeff's my cutie and Robin's my cutie. I haven't told Robin yet, but we Looked at a house that was three doors down from our house the other day. It's not even for sale, but our neighbor was like, hey, we might wanna move to the mountains. And we did. We looked at a house three doors down from my mom. Because I'm at the point where, like, we need our own space. It's been great. I don't wanna be far from Robin, but I need to be able to come home from tourism, and I need to be able to turn off my brain and not, you know. And when I spend time with my mom, I want it to be quality time. And I'm finding myself in a position right now. I mean, our whole family's been under a lot of stress, but I'm finding myself being so short with her and Curt and not as loving and kind as I want to be. And so I'm like, how do I fix this situation? I need my own home. I need a home where I can shut the door, turn the. You know, dim the lights. Dude. We used to have a neighbor. They've since moved out of the neighborhood. We used to have a neighbor back in the day that would literally call the moment she saw our car pull in the driveway. She moved, like, I don't know, like, 10 years ago. And so we would pull in the driveway, and then we knew, like, we just wouldn't turn on the lights. We would literally army crawl through the kitchen, up the stairs to avoid turning on the lights to the front of our house. Because this woman, if she saw the lights come on as soon as we got home, she would call. And I know even if I move three doors down from my mother, I literally. I will be able to throw a rock at the fucking house. I will still have to army crawl. Because I'll just be like, mom, I just need an hour to decompress. And I know what you're thinking. You're like, yeah, I'm sure she doesn't give you your. No, there is no privacy in our home. You know, this morning at 8am I got up with the dogs. At 6, we went out, I made a cup of coffee. I came back in my room, everybody fell asleep. I was camera catching my Z's, and my mom swings open my door. Have I gotta take Bronson to the vet? Just screaming. And I said, mom, this isn't. We can't live like this. We can't. I can't live like this. I am. I am always three steps ahead, making sure everybody knows what the schedule is. When is a housekeeper coming? When's the gardener Come, When's this? When's that? All right, we got the electrician coming because the breaker's out. Da da, da. Like we run a very well oiled machine, but it's. The loose screw is Robin and her bedroom door right now she has these like gorgeous French doors. It's a squeaky fucking wheel. And I keep telling her, mom, you got to put some WD40 on this one handle. Every time she opens her door, it's, I mean, it's like we're living in a haunted house right now. So maybe if she could just WD40 and grease up the door, I, I, it wouldn't send such a chill down my spine. But that's where I'm at. And I don't want y' all to get upset with me. I just need you to know that the, if it may, it's probably not even gonna happen in the next four months. Cause I literally don't have time to move. And these people have not actually put their house up for sale yet. But I need you to be prepared that eventually I am going to have to live across the street from Robin and just be able to shut the garage door, army crawl through the kitchen and keep the lights low so I at least buy myself 2 hours before I get interrogated. I mean, she, she opened my door this morning screaming, I gotta take Braxton. And I looked at the clock, I said, mom, it is 8:15. What time's the appointment? 10. How far away is Yvette? 45 seconds from our home. And I know she's anxious and Robin is obviously undiagnosed adhd, but I said, we gotta control it. We gotta, we gotta find a way to not internalize. Externalize and get this manic anxiety out. I don't know if I should sign her up for a dojo. You know, I had a long talk with a gentleman recently when I was at the Ritz Carlton Marina Del Rey, who has convinced me that he thinks my calling's Jiu Jitsu. Now I want you to hear me out. I want you to hear me out. Clear. I've been had a secret fantasy to join a dojo for quite some time. But I realize I would like to do any sort of mixed martial arts where I get to kick, okay? Kick and punch. I don't want to hit, I don't want to wrestle. So I believe we're going to start with jiu jitsu, taekwondo, all that's a little too much on the ground. I'm not trying to get cauliflower ear. I Don't want to get ringworm on my face. I don't want to fuck up my teeth. I haven't had to get veneers, knock on wood, yeah, yet. But I've been really dying to do something physical that other than like golf and tennis, because then I gotta, like, see people and be cute. I want to be in a ring and get out all this anxious energy with other. I. I know, I hate to say it, but like, men. Is that weird? What is that? Let's. Let's peel back those layers is because if I, If I were to hang out in a sweaty room with men, they don't care. They're not trying to flirt with me, they're not trying to have sex with me, and they don't know who I am. So I feel like it's kind of like just me and the boys. And it's not that I want to be in that toxic patriarchal, you know, that toxic masculinity. Oh, we're in the. We're in the dojo, we're in the cage and we're fighting. I don't want to be around that energy. But maybe that's what I need for my mental health right now. Maybe I need to be in that. That energy. So then when I go, when I leave it out all there on the mat, then I can go out and have better relationships and softer, gentler relationships with the other women in my life that I'm being really short with right now because hoes are acting crazy right now, and that's all you need to know. But maybe that's what I need to hang out with, you know, fortunately, very strong Asian men, you know, because they, They. I would. I would imagine they would own the dojo. And then I, I'm sparring. I want like a. I want a giant man to spar with. I want some sort of like ex boxer. It's really kickboxing, I think, is what I want to do. Hold on, let's look up jiu jitsu. So jiu jitsu is translate to gentle art or flexible art. It's reflecting its principle of using an attacker's force against them, or rather than meeting force with force. So a key training method is called randori, or sparring against a resisting opponent to learn and apply techniques effectively. Now I think I just need. Kickboxing is, I think, what I need. Let's do. Let's look at mixed martial arts. I think that's what I want. I just want to kick and punch and kick and punch. Yeah, that might Be what I need. Okay. Either way, I'm letting you know I'm getting into mixed martial arts now. It's mma. And that makes me nervous because I, I don't like, I don't like watching the fights. I. At no point do I want to get in an octagon and fight somebody else, but I definitely feel like my body is craving doing that level of physical manual labor to get out everything that's going on, if that makes sense. And it may not make sense to you. You may be like, heather, just go hit a tennis ball. I not really good at tennis and golf. It feels great to hit a club, but then it's, you know, I need, I need over and over. I don't have the patience right now. I just need extreme Taebo. And if you were not a fat kid and didn't grow up with Billy Blanks doing 1, 2, 3, 4, doing extreme aerobic kickboxing in your basement as a fat sixth grader, then you, you didn't. You're not a millennial. I would order the Taebo cassette videos off the television, and I would spend my afternoons while everybody else was at track practice. And I would just sweat in the basement in a giant oversized Spice Girls T shirt and I would fucking nail the Tae Bo moves when he would go double time. Bitch. You've never seen somebody move across a carpet in a basement faster than your girl. And I believe his son still teaches classes in la. So I'm going to be in LA next week. Maybe I go and do a in person Taebo class. Best shape of my life was sixth grade because then that next year I became captain of the cheerleading squad. Seventh grade. No, it was eighth grade. Sixth grade, I started Tae Bow. Then into seventh grade, I lost the weight. Then into eighth grade, I became a star. And then it went reverse back once I hit freshman year. But I've been looking, I've been doing the research. I think maybe I need some sort of thing where I hang out with a bunch of dudes and we just sweat and, you know, they can hit me and I can hit them and. And then I leave. And then I'm just like, nicer to my mom, you know, maybe that's it. And it's probably not making sense as it's coming out of my mouth, but just trust me, my gut. And the prayer that I say at night is the Lord speaking back to me saying, join a fucking dojo. So buckle up, baby. So, yeah, I cannot wait to be in Omaha, Nebraska this weekend. I am so excited to Be back in Denver and y' all better show me a good time. Omaha. I have not been able to enjoy your cuisine. And I know you, you are known for your cuisine. I have had so many people reach out to me and say that there's some top tier steakhouses. So we are going to try and get a little bite late night. So I am hoping please slide my DMS this week after you hear this episode and let me know where we're whining and dining after the show. Baby, I gotta know. Also, speaking of, I gotta know, I gotta know. Let me see if my buddy texts me back. Are we going to. Great. We haven't. We. We have a reservation at Houston's tonight at 8pm I gotta catch an 11pm flight tonight. Jeff's meeting me, we're flying out, we're wheeling and dealing and doing some shit. And you know, this is how I time it. I'm in the studio right now. I'm gonna get out of here. I'm gonna head to Houston's. I'm gonna sit at the bar, catch up with my boy Jaren, have one margarita, I'mma open my legs. My husband's gonna pick me up. He and I are gonna jet set to where we gotta go and then we're back to work, baby. We are back to work. But Jeffrey, I told him the other day, I was like, jeff, I'm saying something I didn't think I would say. And he was like, what are you about to say? I said, I think we are. And he said, I think for your health, it would also be good. So I don't know what's gonna happen. You know, I don't know. But I did. I actually actively went and looked at a house three doors down from us, same neighborhood, same street. And I just said, this seems peaceful. This is nice. This is real nice. You know, And I thought about it. We were looking to all move in town. And then I thought about it, okay, I love my neighborhood. I love where I'm at. It's very peaceful, it's very serene. And what if I was just able to say, okay, Robin, I'm going to walk down and I'm going to sit with you and actually spend quality time with you. Then me coming in and getting screamed out, out screamed at about my laundry, or that the, you know, the dog was barking at a neighbor. Like, let me control the chaos that's going in my own home. And then when I come to you, I'll be less of a bitch. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. And whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. You know, I love Squarespace. I use it for my business and they just make it so fricking easy. Okay? Squarespace is the best website. You go on there. You want to build your website platform, right? 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So right now go to squarespace.com absolutely for a free trial and when you're ready to launch, you're going to go to squarespace.com absolutely to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that's squarespace.com Absolutely. Let's get real about our poor overworked livers for a second. This thing is busting its ass 247 while we're out here living our best lives. Now I'm introducing to you LiverMD by One MD to Nutrition. Because honestly, we could all use a little help in the recovery department. This award winning formula wasn't whipped up in someone's kitchen. It was developed by an actual GI doctor with patented clinically studied forms of milk thistle and vitamin E. And milk thistle and vitamin E are just total game changers. But I'm telling you what. We all want to be able to go out and live our lives. But sometimes you need to give that liver a reset. And I love liver md. I did my own research on it and I was very impressed. And I'm not just saying this. 90% of users rate Liver MD better than competitors and 80% saw legit improvements in their liver test results. Plus better energy, mental clarity and the less of like why am I so bloated Situation that we all hate. Say it with me right now, Liver MD. Over 1.5 million people are already giving their livers the support they deserve. So don't be the friend who's always complaining about feeling like garbage. Do something about it with Liver MD. Head to1MD.org and use code absolutely for 15% off your first order. Absolutely. Not to getting your liver down anymore. Just head to onemd.org and use code absolutely for 15% off your first order of LiverMD. Again, that's LiverMD. So go to onemd.org and get 15% off your first order of liverMD with code absolutely. I love cake, but I also like cake's body because cake's body is on a mission to provide boob solutions for all women that make them feel flexible, flattered and free while supporting women's health causes. Dude, cakes is the best. Okay, so they have grippy cakes which are superior to any other cover you've ever tried for a reason. Okay? They are grippy, not sticky, which means they are designed with zero irritating adhesives so you can rinse and reuse again and again. They're gentle on the skin and non toxic silicone, safer, sensitive skin. Also, I love it. The best about the grippy cakes is you can use them over and over and then you can throw them in your purse, you can throw them in your suitcase and it's not going to stick to everything. There's nothing worse than used to use old stickies and they literally would stick to your makeup and it was gross and it was disgusting. These grippy cakes are the freaking best. Also, I love that I can just keep them in my bag if I know that I'm going to be traveling and I can slip them in my bra or if I'm going braless, I can throw them on over my nips. It's just the freaking best. To find out what all the hype is about for yourself, go to cakesbody.com and you can even use code absolutely for 20% off your first order. This summer, fall, winter, whenever you're shopping again, I think this is something that every woman should have just as a staple in her wardrobe. In the biz, we call them kits. It's in your styling kit. So I know that if I'm going on set, you know what? I got my cakes body, I got them grippy cakes, baby. So again, go to cakesbody.com and you can even use code. Absolutely. For 20% off your first order this fall. Get it, add it to your wardrobe. You're going to thank me later. It's tough, dude. It's tough getting older. It's tough being on the road because then you feel guilty. And I'm looking at my dogs, and they saw me leaving with 10 suitcases, and they're like, you. But they're with their trainer, Taylor, who I love, and I'm like, taylor. And she goes, you gotta go. Mama's gotta do what she's gotta do. And I'm crying, and I'm like, I gotta go. We're just. We haven't been well. I need you to know we have not been well. And we're trying to get well, and we're getting there. But I'll tell you what, going to shows and performing, it's the highlight of my week. So please, y' all come with smiles on your faces. You always do to these shows. But seeing y' all on the weekends truly brings so much joy to my life right now. So please understand. I am so grateful for y', all, and I love, obviously, doing this podcast. Let's get into the voicemails. Let's get right to it. I want to hear what you guys have been up to. Here we go.
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B
Hey, Heather. Absolutely not being married to an absolute, absolute psychopath. I'm out of town on a work trip. I called my husband to see what he's going to be doing this evening with his free time. He is watching Homeward Bound for fun, love, and light.
- [24:49]
A
Okay. All right. I didn't know where you were going to go with this voicemail here. So, caller, you're saying that your husband has a free night at the house. You're out of town. You know, you're thinking he probably ordered some Wingstop, maybe got a pizza, probably gonna watch porn on the big screen and just do what he needs to do. But instead, he told you he wanted to watch Homeward Bound on a free night. I'm gonna tell you this right now. You might wanna call the local authorities and have them do a wellness check. I am concerned. I wouldn't say sociopath. I wouldn't say this is like a manic episode. I would maybe say there was a cause for concern, though, because there's something deeper going on there. There's something deeper.
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C
He.
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A
He may have had a little tiff with his mom. You know, I think we all are kind of edging around when our moms right now just, like, grading on my nerves, but he might have had something, some sort of childhood trauma, was reinvigorated, was. Was inflamed, if you will. And that's why he's going back to his roots, to a nostalgic moment of wanting to watch Homeward Bound. Now, what was the movie that I used to watch? Hold on. Was it now and Then? Rosie o' Donnell was in it now and Then. Yeah. Now and Then. Now and Then is an iconic movie. You got Demi Moore, Rosie o', Donnell, Melanie Griffith, Rita Wilson. That is a movie for me that when I am sad or when I was a kid and I needed that movie just to, like, you know, fill me spiritually in a way that I couldn't articulate. I would always watch now and then. Oh, only 36% on rotten tomatoes. They can go fuck themselves. That is one of the best movies ever. Now and Then is my. My. My movie. And I remember everybody would watch. Was it My Girl? Yeah, My Girl with Macaulay Culkin and Anna Paquin. No, Anna Chomsky. Chomsky. And everybody loved that movie. And I just remember thinking, God, this movie's depressing. But now and Then was like, the perfect mix of exactly what you needed. Oh, my God, great movie. And I would watch real adult stuff as a child. I don't mean, like, you know, inappropriate, but I would. No, inappropriate. I would watch a lot of Sally, Jesse Raphael, the Real World, Road Rules. I wanted to know. I needed the drama. I needed to know what was happening in other people's lives. I just never connected as a Disney kid. It just wasn't my thing. And I'm creative and I love fantasy, but I always want it rooted in something real. And I think maybe that's why I do comedy, because I love characters and real people's story, because you truly can't make it up. But if you've never seen now and Then, you gotta watch it. That's a good movie. But Homeward Bound is. Is. I believe the dog dies right then. The dog die. It's. It's two dogs and a cat. Oh, yeah. And they've, like, fall off a cliff into a ravine. They go down a waterfall. Sally Fields, a voice in that movie, though. Oh, my God, Michael J. Fox. Oh, God. It's about all the dogs. No, see, that's what I can't handle. And it got 87% on rotten tomatoes. I'm not saying it's not good. It's a great movie. But I'm telling you right now, Homeward Bound is where you go when you are in A dark place. If you are above 30 and you on your free night, decide to watch Homeward Bound, you are. You are in a dark spot. So I would give your husband just a little extra TLC this weekend. Be like, is everything good? Did you talk to your dad? Like, what's going on here? Because that's a cry for help if I've ever heard one. I'm not even joking right now. I'm literally not even trying to be funny. You need to check on your loved ones, because that is. That's a sad one. I could never watch Marley and me. Like, even 101 Dalmatians. Just fucked me up. Fucked me up. Anything with animals, I can't handle it. But I love a coming of age, like a young woman in her adolescence trying to figure it out. That's also probably why I would come home every single day from school in the fourth grade. Every single day, every day, every single day. Not once a week, every day. And I would watch Clueless from the beginning to the end. You bet your ass. At 3:35pm my little ass would be sitting in my school uniform and I'd be watching Clueless. Then I would listen to the Avril Lavigne album. And then I would watch Spice World after that. And then about a year later, I got into Taebo pretty heavily. But I got. I loved Clueless. As if, like, I thought I was Cher Horowitz. I loved everything about it. Her style. I thought it was funny. I got the jokes even at a very young age. I was just very into it. So, Alicia Silverstone, if you hear from me, want you to know, big fan. Just a great movie all around. But, yeah, I think you need to check if you come home and at any point, you know your husband's watching, like, Mulan, you need to call the authorities and just check on them. That. That's concerning. Also, another pretty sad movie. Not about animals, but just about a young Asian woman who was going through a tough time. So check in on the people that you love, honestly, figure out what the fuck they're watching. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
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C
Hey, Heather, this is Jake from Denver. Absolutely. Can't wait to see you next weekend. Looking forward to it. Just wanted to call in and say I have an absolutely fucking not. And I just really want to know, where did the spirit of neighbors go? I'm walking my dog in the same spot that I walk her every fucking day. And I just see more and more signs, multiple signs, like nine signs in one yard that say no poop, no pee. Where the fuck do you want me to have my dog poop or pee? You want me to grab them on the leash when they try to take a shit in your yard? You want me to whisper in their ear, what exactly do you want? And not to mention, I've now had two neighbors who have spotted my dog peeing or pooping in this area because they can't read the fucking sign. Come out and say, can you read? Like, absolutely not. I just cannot stand these kind of people. I understand that some people don't pick up their dog shit and they can go to hell too, but these signs are fucking ridiculous. I'm really sorry that my dog took a shit on your yard and I have a bag and you're watching me pick it up.
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A
Here's the thing. I already know that you are neighborly, and I know that you're a responsible dog owner. You're checking all the boxes on what a great dog owner you are. I also don't understand that. I get it if you've got like, you know, it's a flower bed. I. I totally understand. Don't. Don't shit on the plants. But if it's greenery or grass and I'm gonna pick it up, I can't control what my dog's gonna do. You know what I mean? What? No pee. Now my dogs have destroyed the grass in our backyard. There's spots everywhere. So we gotta. The next house, we gotta do the zoysia. I've been. I've been researching the grass. Gotta do the zoysia. The zojia. The Zoysia. I've already looked up new grass. Zoysia. We have Bermuda grass. Fuck the Bermuda. I'm going Zoysia. That's what I want. All right? But that's insane. I mean, what are you supposed to fucking do? What are you supposed to do? No poop, no pee, no fun, no walkie, no doggy. Like, unbelievable. What do they want you to, you know, open your window and just squeeze the dog while you're driving down the highway? I mean, come on now. People have forgotten how to be good neighbors. I'll almost take the stalker neighbor that I was talking about earlier over the neighbor who just is. Is a curmudgeon. And you know, the holidays are coming up, so you're about to be dealing with fuckery. Fuckery. The HOA is going to be up your ass before you know it. And you may be in a condo and you're thinking, all right, here we go. You put up One little trinket or, or, or a very classy decoration outside your door for Halloween, like a hand crocheted little ghost. And somebody's gonna send you a demerit or a citation for the fucking. One nice, tastefully made decoration. I, it's unbelievable. And I, I tend to side with hoas in the sense of, like, I like a little bit of conformity. I like, you know, I like everyone to keep their grass. I like things to stay nice. But we got a letter in RHOA that was so fucking insane the other day. And I have to be so careful of what I say because I feel like I'm. A lot of the neighbors come to my shows and shit. We got one letter the other day and literally Jeff was like, what the is this? And it was about animals and pets and it just like, what are we doing here? We walk our dogs. We always make sure we have a bag. Everybody's picking up after themselves. Even when I walk, people don't. I don't see it in our neighborhood that people leave their bags or, or don't pick up after themselves. But then you get that one bad apple in the neighborhood who does let their little schnauzer just shed all over everyone's yard. And that's why you're now having to deal with it. But I think you got to tell that other neighbor when they open the way now peeing, I can't control my dog's bladder. She's got a vaginal mesh sling. And you just tell everybody who comes up to you that your dog has a vaginal mesh sling. They're not going to ask any further questions. And you know, the vaginal mesh sling is a thing that happened that a lot of women had to get in the 80s. And there's always a commercial on Fox News about it. Always. Because there's, it's, it's like the commercials on Fox News are, did you get a vaginal mesh sling? Or do you have mesotheliomia? Because we have two giant lawsuits against the pharmaceutical companies who supplied these mesh slings and, and, or the pill that you had to take for mesotheliomia. So that's all I'm saying. But I'll tell you what. You yell that your dog has a vaginal mesh sling and people will keep walking. They'll go, oh, my God, not muffins. We just yell that it's complicated. People have, like, heard about it, but they also don't really know what it is. Vaginal meshling. And if they're like, Your dog's a male, you say. Even worse. Even worse. You know, it's a love hate with the hoas, though. It really is. You need them, and then you also want to kill them all. All you need is one tyrant to be on the head of the board. And I said, in our neighborhood, I texted the women on the side bar chat. I said, hey, ladies, I would run if I could, but I physically am never here. We need more women on the board. Cause we had no women. It was four white dudes. I said, we need female representation. And one of my friends ran and she's on it. And then we got another smart gal. She's an attorney. She's on it. And I said, we need some pussy power on the hoa. And the irony of it is, the guy who used to run our hoa, who was an actual tyrant, had the tackiest shit outside of his house you've ever seen. I mean, a bird bath that would make you say, huh, huh? Weird sculptures on the patio that were kind of tucked away. I said, this isn't uniform. Don't like it, but you're suing me for painting my house a crisp farrow and ball alabaster white. Okay. Make it make sense. Oh, my God. But again, if some Karen says anything to you about your pet peeing or pooping anywhere, and of course you're going to clean it up, but you just yell, vaginal mesh sling. She's got a week to live and keep rolling. Okay, I'm gonna tell you right now, Goodalls is a fucking game changer. And I needed to curse because Goodalls is so good. So Goodalls sent me the biggest PR package. And I was like, all right, I don't want to cook. I just want to make something simple. And I was like, let me try these. Let me tell you what, Goodalls is legit. It is so good. Every serving of Goodles Mac and cheese has 14 grams of protein, 7 grams of fiber, with prebiotics and 21 vitamins and minerals from real plant sources. It's a low glycemic index food, which means it provides steady energy instead of a carb crash. And on top of that, it's kosher and clean. Label purity award certified. There's something for everyone with their amazing variety of flavors, plus vegan and gluten free options. Trust me, you need some Goodles Mac and cheese in your life. Pick up Goodles on your next shopping trip. It's available nationwide at Target and Walmart plus, plus many other major grocery stores. And retailers. And don't forget the new single serving cups. Dude, these are the best. When Jeff is out of the house, when my mom is gone, I don't want to make a big meal, but I want something really delicious and decadent. I make the goodles and I feel good about it because Googles is the fricking best. So I do the little single serving. You just fill it up with water to a certain line and then you put it in the microwave, you add the sauce and you literally it's, it like takes you back to your childhood. This is really why I love it. It is literally the clean label purity award. Certified. You can read every ingredient on the back of the goodles and say, I know what we're dealing with here and I know what I'm putting in my body. So again, you can pick up Googles on your next shopping trip. And it's available nationwide at Target and Walmart, plus many other major grocery stores and retailers. If there's one way you can elevate your life, it's just to have a good wipe. You know what I mean? And that's why I want to talk about good wipes. They make flushable plant based wipes for your bathroom. Soft, soothing and safe for sensitive skin. I want you to think of them as an upgrade to toilet paper. Better clean, better feel and better for your behind. Honey, let me tell you what I use. Good wipes everywhere. I have two packs in my car for when I'm eventually going to spill a Wendy's Frosty and get sticky. I wipe my dogs down with them. I wipe, you know, when I'm on the go. I truly love the good wipes. They're not just for the bathroom. They're for any time that you need to wipe up something on your body. And I frickin love them. Okay? This is why we love them. They clean better. It actually leaves you feeling clean. Unlike dry, scratchy toilet paper, they're 40% bigger and stronger than average wipes. No tearing and they're flushable and plant based, which means they break down easily and safely. Also, they just feel better. They're super soft, like a cloud for your behind. Light, fresh scent, clean without being perfumey and leaves you feeling refreshed, not irritated. And also, this is the number one reason I love it, is because they're made better. They're infused with soothing aloe, chamomile and vitamin E. No harsh chemicals, parabens and dyes and safe for sensitive skin. So here's the deal. Good wipes is Giving away free wipes. Want to try a free pack of good wipes? Just buy a pack at Target, Walmart, Kroger or your local store. Then head to good wipes.com/absolutely, text them your receipt and get reimbursed again. That's good wipes.com absolutely. To get your free wipes. Good wipes. Because butts deserve better, baby. I swear I have 7,000 bras and panties that's just like stuff over the years that a woman collects. But since I started wearing skims, I have gotten rid of so many of my old dusty crusty bras. Because you know what? I finally found the bras and underwear that I love. Push up bras are back and they are better than ever. And I've been seeing the Skims ultimate bra all over my feet and so, you know, obviously I had to try it. I love all my skims bras, but the push up ones are next to level. First of all, they have the ultimate strapless push up bra. And they say after 35, you know your boobs are dripping. Well, honey, after 21 for me. So finding a strapless bra can be just impossible. Well, the Skims ultimate strapless push up bra made the impossible possible. And strapless bras would all either be like too constricting uncomfortable or they'd slide down or they just would not look good under my outfits. Or a double boob. You know all the horrible things that go with that. Well, it gives me the perfect lift and support without flattening me out. And this bra makes me look like my boobs have never fallen. I'm obsessed. I'm telling you, you're gonna love the skims bras. Also, I wore the skims balcony bra. It's a push up bra and it's like a really great shape. Especially like if you need your boobs to be like pushed together. It's my favorite bra. It's always sold out on skims website, but it's the fricking best. I wore that on the cruise, got so many compliments it was unbelievable. So if you wanna shop the best shop Skims ultimate bra collection and more@skims.com after you place your order, be sure to let them know that I sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select my show in the dropdown menu that follows. Happy shopping. And again, all you gotta do is go to skims.com let's get to the next voicemail.
- [42:16]
B
Hey Heather, it's your girl Tara from Cape Cod, Massachusetts. But I'm living here In Tennessee, Nashville area. Been a long, long time fan of yours. We even DM together.
- [42:28]
A
Hell yeah.
- [42:29]
B
Anyway, I am here in Nashville and we are throwing a party for my co worker. And the theme is petite for. I guess it's a French pastry or some sort of small cake or whatever. And these southern women keep calling it pedophore.
- [42:50]
A
It's a pedophile.
- [42:51]
B
As in like pedophile esque. So how on earth do you pronounce this? It's spelled petite four. Yet all these Southern women that I work with are like, we're doing pinafores. And I'm just like, what are you talking about, ma'? Am?
- [43:10]
A
Okay, so it's a petaphore. That's what we call them. It's a pedophore. It's a small little cake that's got perfect fondant icing all around it and it usually has a tiny little flower on top. It's a petaphore. It's a petaphore. That's what you call them? It's a pet. I don't know what the hell y' all do in Massachusetts, but my mom is from Boston and she still says petaphore too. So you need to figure your shit out. It's a petaphor. But also, why is the theme of the party petaphores? Is it a baby shower? If you're throwing me a party and the theme of it is small white cake with fondant and a flower on top, then that doesn't sound like a very fun party. That's the theme. I'm confused. Let's look this up. Pet for theme. Okay, it's just a tea party. A pet for theme refers to the occasion, style, or concept that petaphores are designed. Oh. To complement, such as a tea party, wedding holiday, influencing the flavors, decorations, and overall design of the bite size confections. Okay. This popular themes include seasonal celebrations like Easter, Christmas. Okay, hold on. I don't think the theme of the party is P for. I think whatever the. Okay, you've misinterpreted this whole thing. The pedophores will be themed of. Of whatever the party is. So if you're having like a, I don't know, a Mexican fiesta, you can have cute little, you know, I don't know, maracas and then. And, you know, I don't know what else. Oh, God. Tequila. Little bit of tequila all over something. Either way, no matter how I try and explain what I would put on a Mexican petit for. You do realize I will get canceled for it. So we're just going to stop in our drags. You'd have fun colors. Maybe it's a football. A football theme party. You'd have little footballs and your team spirit and your team pride all over the little Pettiforce. They're just tiny white cakes, but I'm imagining just a bunch of fat women in Nashville sitting around just trays of different decorated Pettiforce, just like, this is the party and this is what we're doing. My dearest friend, Katie Cunningham. Shout out to Katie. I know that if she's having a bad day, I go to this very specific bakery called Honore's. And I go. And it's French, too. And I get her a pedophore, and I bring over a dozen petaphors. And this woman is slender as hell, but. But she could sit on her back porch and eat a dozen petit fours and not get sick. And I love a petit. For it's a great little treat. I mean, it's. It's like the size of a lip gloss. It's a very small, square little cake, and it. And it's soft. It's a nice spongy cake in the middle. And then it's got a nice layer of whipped cream or icing, and it's just. You got a little. Just the smallest little crunch of that, the fondant on the outside. And it's sweet and it's vanilla and it's decadent. But I don't think the theme of the party is pet. For whatever the theme of the party, it's going to be on the pet for decoration. But nothing makes me happier than thinking about a bunch of diabetic women from Tennessee sitting around just woofing down little cakes, little tea cakes. There's nothing better. And I'm going to tell you this right now. I actually don't like tea parties. I know. I said it. You want to know why? I don't like finger sandwiches. And I seem like the perfect candidate, the ideal consumer of somebody who would love finger sandwiches. I don't like smushy white bread. I don't get it. I've done high tea at the Conant in London. I've done it at the Drake Hotel. I've done it at all these fancy places. Is it the Drake? I don't know. A lot I've done at the Edition, all these nice places. I have done the tea. And every time I go for high tea, I say, just give me the scones. Leave the colada cream and a lemon curd and Take those tea sandwiches and walk them out of here. And the last time I did high tea, there was something about the perfume. They over perfumed the fucking tea and they gave me a rooibos oasis or jasmine rooibos something. And I was sitting in the addition hotel in London and I vomited my brains out. If it lasted 10 minutes, it was done. We went to high tea. I walked into Harrods and I was like, oh my God. And they're like the room was spinning. I don't know if I got roofied at tea time, but I walked out of Harrods and my girlfriend Olivia found me and I was outside. I go, dude, I feel ill. And she said, you know what it was? It was a fucking tea sandwiches. And I said, I should have, should have stuck to pastry. I didn't want the tea sandwiches. They grossed me out from the moment they came out on the plate. But I said, I'm here, I gotta experience it all. I gotta be, you know, I gotta go with the flow. But all I wanted was the savory petit force and the scones. You know what? A bitch loves a scone. Oh my God. You break it open, it's a little crumbly, but it's still holds its form. You get some cream, you get a little butter, you get a little lemon curd or a raspberry jam and you put it in your mouth and it absolutely just crumbles and if it's too dry, you'll choke. But then you take the hot tea and you got the shakes because you're hungover and you take a little sip of the tea and you think this is not even that pleasant, but you like it for some reason, because it's about the culture. So being about the culture, you needed to just shake off that Yankee lifestyle and dive into the fact that you're going to be sitting around at some sort of themed party that you will not be appropriately dressed for because you didn't read the instructions. And you're just going to be eating a bunch of little tiny delicious cakes with vanilla icing. And you're just going to be sitting around and gossiping because that is what Southern women do the best. You're gonna be sitting around and gossiping and getting the literally drinking the tea and spilling the tea, eating petit. And if you ever wanna bring me a little treat to a show, I love warm chocolate chip cookies, I love a charcuterie and I love a pedophore. So instead of being judgmental, you need to sit down. Sit your ass on that nice chaise lounge and you eat a plate of pettifores yourself and then get back to me and let me know how much fun you had, because I'm gonna tell you right now, you probably had a blast period. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [49:56]
B
Auntie Heather, Absolutely, yes to finally getting my refund from Eventbrite for the Sacramento show. Absolutely not. Slightly of did we reschedule it somewhere else in the Sacramento area? Cache Creek Casino. Get there, love and light. Hopefully see something soon.
- [50:19]
A
Bye. Sacramento, one of my favorite cities to perform in. I have gotten so many DMs. I apologize about us having to essentially cancel the show. It was totally out of my hands. The space was no longer in business. And then Eventbrite, which was, I guess the company that you bought the tickets through, they were holding you hostage. If for any reason you have not gotten your refund, you need to contact the Attorney General. I know that sounds extreme, but truly contact them and let them know that you have not received your refund yet from Eventbrite because I do not have your monies. We are looking at a date in the spring to reschedule that show. And we're. We're trying to get into another event space. So as soon as we can get in there, I will absolutely be in Sacramento. Because every time I go to Sacramento, I have one of the, like, it's always one of my favorite audiences to perform for. People from NorCal, just get it. It's like San Francisco or. Everybody is so much fun. I don't have SF on the tour schedule right now. There's a lot of cities that I don't have on there. And we're. We're adding a ton of cities in the spring, but. So if you don't see your city, I am so sorry. It is really wild. Everyone is on tour right now. So say even like. Like, after this podcast, I'll have to call my agent. Cause we had a call earlier and she sent me like, like, I don't know, 15 cities for the spring, right? And I'm like the third or fourth. Hold on some of these. She's like, okay, well, I know you wanna play Philly that night, but there's six people ahead of you in line and I gotta fight their agents and da, da, da and all this shit. So just know I'm never not coming to you because I don't want to. Okay? Sometimes it's just how things line up. But we are actively trying to get a Sacramento show back on the books. But if for any reason we can't make it happen, please come to another city like San Francisco or, or somewhere close. We don't even have San Francisco on the books. Just come, just travel. But we are adding a lot more shows to the spring, so get frickin excited. All right. I love being on tour and I'll tell you what, being back on the road has truly brought so much love and joy and light into my life. It's my like disconnect in, in the best way. Like when I'm on stage and we are fucking giggling and yapping and then I get to see your little faces after the shows and kiss you and, you know, go through all the presents that you bring me because I'm a princess. It's just so magical. It is truly so much fun. So hopefully as much fun as you are having, I just want you to know that hopefully I am also showing you that I'm having so much fun because I really am and I'm excited about this. This show we're doing in Vegas with Alex Cooper and the whole unwell weekend. Dude, that's going to be crazy. I'm going to do it. I'm going to do some stand up, but I think we're going to do a ton of like audience participation. We're figuring out what that show is going to look like. But let me pull up the lineup for that weekend. Dude, it's fudgeing nuts. And I don't even know. Like Alex was like, come do this. I'm like, yeah, great. That's in like a month. I'm one of the headliners is like Paris Hilton, me, Trisha Paytas, Nicole Byer, an incredible comedian. I love her. Bethany Frankel, Stassi Schroeder. And then it's like Megan Stalter, Kathy Hilton, Erica Jane, Cat Cohn. I love her. Like, it's just going to be so much fricking fun. It's going to be a fricking blast. So if you're coming to that show in Vegas, just know it's going to be a totally different wild setup than my usual show. It's in a different way because I want to, I want to do something different for that weekend. Dude, the Secret Lives of Mormon Wives are going to be there. Well, I can't do my. I cannot do my Mormon jokes. Or maybe I can. I don't know. We're going to have to see it. We're going to have to figure it out. Let me go on. Let's see what the lineup is for the rest of the year, though, because I don't really actually have it saved in my memory.
- [54:12]
C
Hold on.
- [54:14]
A
All right, these are the places I'm going to in the next couple weeks. We've got Omaha, Denver, Milwaukee, Minneapolis, Seattle, Tampa, Jacksonville, Vegas, San Antonio, Midland, Cincinnati, Lexington, Dallas, la. Two shows in Austin, Des Moines and Bettendorf. Dude, let's see if we make it to fucking Iowa. Oh, my God. It's so hard to think about even getting through, like, tomorrow. I. I'm just like, how. How are we going to get to Ben Door? And I'm trying to figure out where I'm shooting the next special. And we wanna shoot it in Austin, but if we shoot it in Austin, then we may move those shows right to the top of the year because we can't get the film crew ready. Like, there's just so much that goes into touring and shooting the specials and all of this shit. And then I'm looking at the other theaters, but it's like, where can we get in to shoot the fucking special? It's just there's so many moving parts, and sometimes it feels like your head is fully just spinning. Like your head is spinning and the world is spinning around you. But then you're also like, reality check. Like, we're all going to be good. And I'm not, like, worried about any of it. It's just a lot of. There's a lot of decisions that have to be made very soon. And I realized yesterday that that is what I'm suffering from. I'm suffering from decision fatigue. I don't really want to pick what I want for dinner. I don't want to pick what I'm having for lunch. I don't care window or aisle. I'm at that point where I just can't. I've been making a lot of decisions, and I just need to turn that part of my brain off, because that's where the burnout comes from. It's not from doing the thing. Yes, physically, you can be tired. You know, physically going to work, everyone gets tired. But it's making the decisions. It's being like, you get home. And that's why I told Jeff the day I was like, I think we need our own spot. Because I can't then come home and then have to answer 65 more questions. It's like the Spanish Inquisition. It's like I am on trial for some sort of murder mystery. I just need to go into a dark place when I am done with work and just be quiet, rest the voice, you know? Kiss my dogs and just not speak. Because guess what, Jeff. Unless he has a Zen in, he didn't have to say anything. Jeff and I are totally fine being in each other's presence, being loving and adoring, but, like, he can say four words to me in a day, and I'm like, I know exactly what wavelength he's on, and he knows exactly what I'm thinking. He's a very stoic man, but when he pops a Zen in, he is rollerblading around our house yapping and asking me questions. But, yeah, I don't know who else is suffering right now from decision fatigue. And I'm sure if you're like a mom and you just had to make all these game day plans for back to school, and you're getting everybody set up for success, and. And that pressure is on your shoulders, that's a lot, too. And we're going into what we're Q3 right now. So everybody's panicking because then the next thing you know, it's gonna be Q4. What are we doing for the holidays? You know, we're having cruise meetings, and that Cruise is in 2027. They're like, what do you want the theme to be? I said, I don't know. Is the world going to be on fire? I don't even know. But what a privilege it is. What a privilege it is to be able to even make decisions. All right, put that in fucking perspective. Put that in perspective. We're just in a really weird, tough season right now, and it's. That's okay. You know, I think a little of the icing on the cake was all the. The new players on SNL came out today. And so I was coming to the office, and there's so much going on and so many balls up in the air is what it is. Like, there's so much stuff that y' all don't see that I'm waiting on yeses for things. And then I saw the new cast of snl and I was like, yeah, you don't. And I thought I literally said out loud to myself, did I give up on that dream? Like, so dark? And I was like, I am not doing my characters anymore. I don't even post funny videos. We post stuff on the row. But stand up is what I love, and that's what I should be posting. But then you don't want to post stuff from the show because then everybody's a fucking nut job about it. And I don't want to just do crowd work, and I want to focus on, do my next special. But that's where it's at. And I think we need to just let go and just do what we did that brought us joy. And I need to start making videos again and doing, like, getting back to the silly root of why I even got in this business in the first place, which was to be joyful. And I don't give a fuck what anybody says about me on the Internet. I don't care about anything. If people knew what was going on behind the scenes, they would. That you couldn't even make it up. You would have. You would literally have no idea. So I think just it. I don't care. And I need to get back to that mindset of, like, I do this because I love it and I love making people laugh and bringing joy and take all the pressure off of it because I made the mistake of getting daily emails from the Hollywood Reporter. And I'm just in the art of comparison right now, and it's not a healthy place to be in. And I have decision fatigue. And I just need to say, you know what? We're gonna kick our feet up and do what we do best, and that's just to be ourselves and be funny and enjoy life, because that's what it's all about. And when you're in a difficult season, just know it is a season. And I'm trying to remind myself that it's a season. And that's why seasons come and go, and that's why you change wardrobes in a season, and that's why you change looks and you change your hair color and you do all these things. It's a season. Change is coming. Good is around the corner. And the best part of my week is always being on the road, seeing you guys and giggling and laughing and being with our team on the road and Tina and Ray and Andrew and Jen and just being around people that I love. We have so much fun, and Jeff has been the best. And, you know, it just. I just. I, you know, I just feel very blessed to be around wonderful people that are also, you know, helpful for me. Good, good people. To me, that wasn't a sentence, but you get what I'm saying. This Valentino lip gloss is thick. Thank you, Casey, for that. But anyways, that's what's up. But we're all good. I cannot wait to be in la. I cannot wait to be back in award season. That talk about an adrenaline rush. That is going to be fun. There's a lot of good TV right now, so there's a lot to discuss. So I'll see you guys on the red carpet next week, but also see you in Omaha and Denver this weekend and again get your tickets at heather on tour.com. i'm pumped to be back on the road and as always, you can call into the hotline the absolutely not line 800-213-7503. I'll see you guys in the next episode. Ciao bella. Arrivederchi. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram etherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. I wanna flip the moon Hop from train to train I feel the vibrations taking control of me Shines the light so bright and please, I like it. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.