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Heather McMahon (16:55)

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Heather McMahon (22:21)

That's a dash dash y dash I dot com. So anyways, we had Des Moines as the, the HQ, if you will, for this shoot. And we drove out and we were driving to the middle of nowhere, Iowa. And we had to stop at this place called A Casey's. A Casey's is like a gas station. They're known for their pizza. I'm just gonna throw this out there. Casey's, the pizzas. It wasn't it. It wasn't it. Everyone's dming me from Go to Casey's. Go to Casey's. You get a slice of this pizza and the way you transport it to your car is you put it in a plastic bag. Not on a paper towel, not on a paper plat. You just take a slice of pizza out of the rotating Lazy Susan, the glass lazy Susan, and then you put it in like a plastic bag. So I'm talking skin on skin, plastic, unmelted cheese. Not, not kosher, not good. Didn't like that at all. Casey's then though, I asked the lady, I go, well, what dipping sauces do I do? What, which ones do I get? She's like, well, obviously you gotta get. There was like a honey mustard. There was a barbecue. I'm like, listen, I'm from the South, I eat sick shit, but I'm not putting honey mustard on a pizza. You're outta your mind. She said, don't worry, darlin's. The ranch is in the cooler. So we had to go in the back, get the ranch out of the cooler. We're eating. Casey's on the another. We have another hour and like 20 minute drive to the middle of nowhere, Iowa at the Missouri border. When I tell you right now, standing at this Casey's about 30 minutes outside of Des Moines, I saw some creatures and characters I did not know existed. It was like the Walking Dead. Met Stranger Things, met my cousin Earl, met X Files. It was like your brother, sister's cousins, babysitters. I don't even know how to describe some of the characters I met. And listen, this is my point of this. I have seen parts of America, now the outskirts of Iowa that I'll never recover from. And that's not on the people of Iowa. But as a Southerner who constantly gets shit from people from the Midwest and the north, that's always rednecks, redneck this, redneck that. Oh, you guys are white. White trash. White trash. Mississippi, white trash. Georgia, white trash. I Don't want to fucking hear it. Okay. I don't want to fucking hear it. Call me when you've been 30 minutes outside of Des Moines at a Casey's with a Mountain Dew in one hand, a piece of pizza, skin on skin to the plastic, okay? And you got ranch from the cooler. And there's a man who's cross eyed asking you if you need your gas pumped. And guess what? It's not a rule in Iowa for them to pump your gas. You can pump your own gas. So I'm just saying I have been to the rural parts of the Midwest and they are far worse than the rural parts of Alabama. And you heard it here first. The south will rise again, but not in the way that that original phrase intended it to rise. I just mean we need a little bit more respect. Put some respect on my name as a Southerner. My whole point of this is it was a little culture shock for me. And I went to school in Mississippi. I have been in the backwoods of Alabama. I have been, you know, on the east coast of Louisiana, near the west coast. What is it? I have been in Cypress Bend, Louisiana, and that's all you need to know. That's where swamp people hang out. And I still had more culture shock seeing real Midwestern country folk. That is a different braid, y'.

Caller/Listener (25:45)

All.

Heather McMahon (25:45)

That's a different braid. And I guarantee the guy who offered to pump our gas, I guarantee I could have paid him an Adderall. That's what he was looking for. Honestly, I felt it, the energy I felt that he was giving to me. He wanted a bite of my Casey's pizza and he wanted some methamphetamines. But yeah, I was scared straight. In the Midwest, we met so many wonderful people. It really was a great experience. But being I could see Des Moines in the distance and we had stopped to pee and get some gas and everyone said, go to Casey's. And I looked at Trace, I said, honey, we ain't in the south no more. We gotta get going. They don't like our kind up here. I mean, truly. It was like that piece of Picante commercial New York City. This guy was like, you need me to pump your gas? And he was completely cross eyed. And I said, I don't like it here. I don't like it. We gotta get going. But we had a wonderful time on the shoot. Met so many wonderful people. I was all over God's green earth. In five days. I hit five different states. And then I got in a car. As soon as I Wrapped on Friday, was on my way to New York City. And we've been here, we've been doing the Today show. It has been so much fun. But I do apologize. That's why I'm a little hoarse this week. I'm really hoarse because we got to shoot a phenomenally fun piece. I took Jenna to my old stomping grounds. We went to my old block, showed her my old apartment. We went to Empanada Mama, this place I used to blackout and go to and get hot empanadas at 4am After a bartending shift. And then I took her to Flaming Saddles, which is one of my favorite gay bars in Hell's Kitchen. And if you don't know Flaming Saddles, it's. It's a, it's a country western themed gay bar. And every 45 minutes, the dancers, the bartenders are the dancers, the dancers are the bartenders. You gotta be multi talented, multifaceted to work here. Multi hyphenate talent, if you will. Every 45 minutes, they get on the bar and they do dances and they. It's not just a two step, it's not just a grapevine. They are twirling in the boots, they're doing the splits. They, they got a leg above their head. They are sexy. The jeans are tight, the butts are lifted, the arms are out. It's juicy, okay? And even if you ladies, even if you know that these men aren't interested in you go for the, the eye candy, they want you to ogle at them. They loved it. You could tip them, you could throw cash at them. And, you know, I felt right at home because people will throw cash at me at Grand Central all the time. These older men, like I told you, they're getting on a train. They slip me a 20 in my bra and they're like, it's great to see you again. I'm like, sir, I don't know you. But regardless, you know, I was there passing out cash. I got Jen on the bar. We're dancing, we're having the time of our life. But I swear to God, they had a fog machine in that place. I may be allergic to fog machines because, you know, when we went to party after the Duplex, we went to the Duplex, another gay bar down in the Village, they had a fog machine. And for a week after it nearly killed us, we all ended up with some sort of sinus infection, some sort of upper respiratory. Why are we not outlawing fog machines? While they are fun? I love it. I love going to A Broadway show. And there's a smoky night in the Phantom of the Opera, and there's some steam and fog, but that's regulated in a gay bar with closed windows. It's too tight. It's too much. You gotta open a fucking window. I've nearly died twice because of these damn fog machines. While the aesthetic is great, yes, it's fun, okay? It feels spooky. It feels sexy. It will kill you. And I guarantee RFK is going to uncover not only is, you know, red dye bad for you, but wait till he uncovers what the fucking fog machines are doing to you. Buckle up, bitches. You thought he was coming for your Gushers and your Fruit Roll Ups? No, no, no. Somebody call the gay bars, because those I would actually get behind that. I would actually be like. You know, the only thing I agree with him is we gotta get rid of the fog machines. It's like asbestos. There's no way that there's not. It's moist, so it's like vaping. It's like you're vaping. There's never an exhaust. There's a fog machine. You're only putting fog out. You're never sucking it back in. And I think that is the problem. That is the problem, and that's why we're all dying. But, man, Flaming Saddles is a good time. So Jenna was so fun, and we were also shooting there at like 4pm in the afternoon, but we had a couple drinks, she had some baka sodas. And I gotta tell you, doing the Today show this week, I'm only on day two, but it has been so much fun. The crew there is amazing. The producers are great. They're just a great crew. And Jenna is so much fun. And I think, you see, you don't see as much of her personality that we all see on camera. I mean, she's so fantastic on the show, but she is really, truly so hysterical, so funny, ballsy, brash, just in it the best way. She has such a great personality. So it's been fun to get to hang out with her outside of the show. And we do this thing, we do a morning meeting every morning. So we're sitting in the makeup chair. The producers come in, they go over all the topics, and Willie guys came in. Guys, I think my new crush, my new hall pass might be Willie Geist. And I know his wife listens to the podcast, and she's a big fan. So I mean no disrespect, but ma', am, Ms. Geist, I need you to know Your husband is a dream. You already know this cause you're married to him, okay? He's lucky to be married to you. But when I tell you, he is just so charming and so kind and handsome. And he has been so nice to me. And I told Jenna, like he walked in the room and I looked at Jenna and I was like, it's Willie. And Willie's one of her best friends. And she's like, I know, Heather. I'm like, no, he's so handsome. And I'll tell you, he's one of those men in television that can wear makeup. Well, sometimes you see a newscaster out and about and they've got a thick layer of Dior beauty Dior flash foundation on and it doesn't settle. Well, I'll tell you what, Willie, he's got a good face for a full beat. He looks really fresh. I wanted to tell him you wear makeup very well. It's unnoticeable. It just looks fresh. He got a nice glow, a nice summery tint. Got a little rouge on the cheeks, but he does. That's a man who is kind, handsome and wears a good beat. So shout out to Willie Geist. Shout out to him. You know, I love my skims. I've been wearing the high waisted thong for ever. And I love it specifically the fits everybody high waisted thong. 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Listeners are the Absolutely not podcast can claim an exclusive three month free trial with no credit card required at www.ynab.com. absolutely. That's YNAB. That's ynab.com Absolutely. Again, YNAB is a life changing app that helps you do what you want with the money you have. You'll create a flexible plan for your money through the simple practice of giving every dollar a job. So again, check out ynab.com. absolutely. That's y n a b dot com. Absolutely. Thank me later. And right now, it's time to get back to the podcast. I have a work crush. That's it. I have a work crush. Now, one might think that I might lean more Al Roker because he is the kindest person in the biz, but I really am teetering in between. Is Al Roker my new work crush or is it Willie? Guys, you know, maybe, you know, tomorrow's a new day. Who knows? Maybe I'll nuzzle up to Al Roker. Who knows what happens? But everybody has a work crush. You have to have a work crush.

Caller/Listener (36:27)

Mm.

Heather McMahon (36:29)

Unfortunately for Christina, it's just me. It's just me or gay men. And Andrew just got married, so he's out of the running. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not great. That's the thing. That's Christina's type. She's in the studio right now. You guys can't see her. She's off camera. She's taking notes on all the ways we have to edit this podcast because I sound like I've been sucking on a fog machine. And I. I understand that it's probably very annoying when I come on this podcast. I'm like, gosh, I'm Joe Disheveled. My brain is fried. But we've been up since six and I love doing this podcast. It is a joy and a pleasure because I like recapping and taking you behind the scenes of what's going on. But damn it, it has been one of those days. I have been yapping. I just want to sit I want. You know what I really want, and I need to manifest this. I want Willie Geist to do an in depth sit down with me Sunday sit down. I want to do a Sunday sit down with Mr. Guice. He's so funny. He's so charming. And then maybe he'll invite me to dinner with him and his wife, and we just, you know, we just see where it goes. Oh, God. But the Today show has been truly so much fun. I mean, hell, as we were saying our afternoon goodbye or our morning goodbye, Jenna told me to hit the splits. And I hit the splits again. So she better pay for my physical therapy, because my body will be broken. But I want NBC and Universal to know right now I am doing the most. I am giving y' all great content. And don't you forget it. When the host of the Today show says, heather, can you do the splits? I jumped down in a brand new pair of manolos that were $700. And why do I buy them? Because they run up to a size 12. I can only buy expensive shoes, all right? But I did the splits on those Manolos, and I said, damn it, Jenna. I just bought these yesterday, okay? And I almost ripped my Ann Taylor loft suit. So I just want NBC to acknowledge that I'm doing the most for them. But this really has been a dream week. What else are we doing tonight? We're going to dinner. I'm going to dinner with Jenna and one of our producers and our friends, and then we're going to Chelsea Handler's birthday. She just turned 50. What's also been cool is, like, on the show, getting to interview my friends. We had Rosebud Baker on yesterday. Her new special came out on Netflix, y'. All. You have to check it out. It's so phenomenal, especially if you're a mom. You will absolutely love it. She shot half of it while she was pregnant, half of it after she had had her baby. Minnow. It's just a really, really phenomenal special, but it's been really fun, and the show moves fast. You know, we'll prep ourselves for about 10 topics at the top of the show to talk about. And this morning, we got through one. I mean, people don't realize each segment on on television is like three minutes each. So you tee something up, you get one response, and then it's to commercial break. So it's a very fast paced show doing live TVs like nothing you've ever seen. So while I love your notes and your comments that you DM me With just know that I am also fighting for my life. Cause it is, it is live. But it's good to be back in the city, man. We've been having a blast. The sun came out, it warmed up, it's 55 degrees. The only coat I brought was a fake faux fur from Moomoo. So I'm just dripping, I'm sweating, sweating like JLO from Wichita. So that's where I'm at emotionally. I'm working every day. I'm sorry if I'm not able to return your calls and go to dinner. It's cuz I go from the Today show to the podcast studio. We're doing press, we're running around and I feel blessed. But it's been really fun, so I can't complain. So that's what I've been up to. Today's show, back on the road, next weekend, in a week. I don't know when, what time and space is coming to Kansas City, Missouri. I think we only have a few tickets left for that show, so you better get those. I'll be performing at the Midland Theater. I am having so much fun on this new tour, man. I love the material. We're working it out. We're having the best fucking time. So thank you guys who have come out to all these shows because it's been truly, truly, truly such a fun experience. And I hope you guys are having a great time too. But get your tickets@heatherontour.com, but now, as always, what is this podcast about? It's about the absolute hotline. So let's hit the hotline. You can always call in 800-213-7503. Let's get to our voicemails. All right, I'm gonna play them off my phone.

Caller/Listener (40:41)

Hi, Heather, My name is Lauren. I am a longtime listener and just saw you in Las Vegas at the Venetian. It was amazing. I did attend my first meet and greet with my husband. He bought the ticket. Love him. But my question for you is, are your meet and greets always that unhinged or was it just like the spirit of Las Vegas? There was just to start the most aggressive hand raising I've ever seen in my life. Which, you know, it's a given. We're all very excited to. But secondly, the first question out of the gate was a woman who. It was a very niche question that was really kind of like threw me off talking about how she's an origami artist and how she wants to start a podcast while she's folding her Thousand paper cranes. And I'm like, what is going on? Like, then another girl can't even get through her question because she's crying and bringing up Covid. And I am just like, this is a shit show. Like, what is going on? Is everybody hammered? Like, I just need to know, is that normal for you? Love and light. Love you so much. Thanks for such a great show. Bye.

Heather McMahon (41:57)

Hey, hon. Thanks for coming to the meet and greet. Well, I'll tell you what, the people who make it to the meet and greet are absolutely, without a doubt the. I'd say the most emotionally unstable people I've ever met in my life. And I say that in a positive way. Way, Right? They're obviously paying extra to have a little one on one time with your Aunt Heather. Now, first of all, we promote and support female businesses. So right out the gate, I was all on board with the questions about how to start the podcasting. I thought I gave great sage advice to the woman who wanted to start the podcast. I said, honey, if you want to start folding origami cranes, you don't do that on a podcast. No, no, no, no, sweet, sweet thing. You do it on YouTube. You do it on TikTok. And I think I gave her really great sound advice. So that, that question, I did not throw me off. I thought that was phenomenal. Now, are there. Is there a lot of crying? There is sometimes emotional moments, but it's sweet, you know, I mean, listen, at the end of the day, I'm out here telling dick jokes. I'm being ridiculous. I'm rolling around on the floor. I don't roll around on the floor. What am I talking about? I'm a clown. Some days I feel a little bit like a puppet and a clown. I'm an entertainer, a court jester, if you will. So it is nice for me in a self indulgent way to know that not all of this is in vain. Right? When somebody says, heather, you got me through this hard time, or, you know, somebody just died, I can connect with the dead dad club, yada, yada, yada. That is a nice. It's just, it's okay to have a human connection. And you know what? I'm realizing that whoever called in with his voicemails a second, cynical. All right? My God, God forbid people want to have a human connection and say, you got me through a tough time, or how do I start my female business? Meanwhile, you're sitting back there in the words King Curtis, like you're just some princess lady. What did King Curtis say? Hold on. You're treating us like the sorry people. I gotta pull it up. Definitely no cheese in the can. Very happy to be throwing this away.

Caller/Listener (43:54)

Bacon.

Heather McMahon (43:55)

No, I want my bacon. I gotta tell you something. Bacon is good for me. This is very. Let me go into the grocery store. She thinks out of the blue, she's a smart little girl, that she can do whatever she wants. No, that's not how she can do it. In our family, she act like she's the queen and we're the sorry people, period. That's what King Curtis said. And that's how I feel about this voicemail. She's acting like she's a queen and we're the sorry people. Yes. Are there some sad people that come to meet and greets? For sure. But don't act like you're the queen and you ain't got no problems and everybody else is a sorry people. Now, was there a woman at the meet and greet who was blackout drunk? Yes. Was she mumbling? Yes. No one understood what she was trying to say. That was a little bit of a struggle. And I do ask that when you are at the meet and greets, you know, I want to be able to say hi to everyone and I want to be able to take a photo, do whatever. But it is tough when there is one bad act, and I think that's who you're referring to, who was just hammered and this woman was just, you know, just talk about random shit. She would just interject, screaming at everybody. But, yeah. Are the meet and greets a little bit of a wild roller coaster? For me? Yeah, they are. And I'm glad that you observed it, but I don't even know what to say. These are the private conversations I have with myself at night. I'll be like, wow. Wow, that was intense. Because you're already coming off this high of doing this show and going 100 miles an hour and sweating through your costume. And then you try and have this human connection moment. But there are some times. There are some times that I get off stage and I open a gift and it's so weird and peculiar. I have to think about it for a couple days. Listen, you can cry. You can cry during the show. You can cry at the meet and greet. I don't want anybody to ever feel emotionally stunted at my shows. But I'll tell you what, when they're hammered and it's a solo, a solo meet and greet hammered gal is just. She's a rare breed. That's a whole nother level of we Got something going on, and that's probably the person the meet and greet that needs to hug the quickest. But we had one woman who just kissed and I'm from Mississippi. What'd she say? I'm staying at the Cosmo and I came all the way here and she was just hammering, hammering us with questions. I'm glad she was there, though. You know, she also got a poster and a hug, so don't think I forgot about her. But yeah, sometimes the meet and greets are so fun and everyone's cool and we're having a good time, and then sometimes they take a turn. All I wanna say is, come to the meet and greets. Bring good energy, bring good gifts, and it's. It's okay to be a little weird because there's usually an intimate group of real McManiacs. And maybe let's come with less judgment and more love. Okay. Wow. Wow. Let's get to the next voicemail.

Caller/Listener (46:47)

Heather, your girl Amanda from Detroit. Big fan. Seen you both times. You've come to Detroit in the last couple years. My husband and I booked a trip to Vegas just for your show at the Venetian this past weekend. Unfortunately, we got on a heater on a craps table at Binion's and then we had an early dinner at Vic and Anthony's. We planned this out. 5:30 dinner back to the hotel room to take a nap and then get ready and head over to the Venetian. Fortunately, the alarm never went off. Before I knew it, it was 11pm we missed the show. The whole reason we went to Vegas was for your show weather and we slept through it. I had major FOMO watching your reels and videos, but I'm sure it was a wonderful show. Just have to catch you another time. Love and light, girl.

Heather McMahon (47:47)

See, I like that. That's an honest call. That was an honest mistake. I don't blame you. Vegas is exhausting. You have to walk through huge, spacious casinos. You're getting in your steps. The air is dry. Okay, you were on a heater. You were. You were making money, then you went to an early dinner. Dude, if I go to dinner at 6pm and I'm digesting by 7, I got to be in bed. That's why I don't do early dinners. I can stay upright and keep going if my blood sugar never changes. But once I get that first taste of warm bread, maybe a marinated olive, down the hatch, I'm ready for night night. So I get it. I love that you came all the way from Detroit, though, to Vegas. Not an easy feat and slept through the show. But these are the kind of. This is the kind of honesty I respect out of y' all as listeners, as viewers, as patrons of the arts. You just said, listen, we were exhausted. You probably got away from your kids. You won couple hundred bucks playing roulette. You went to an early dinner, had a nice filet. And that's the thing. You can't do red meat. If you got to go to a show, you cannot have a steak beforehand. Got to keep it light. Fish, shrimp, oysters, maybe a poultry dish, maybe a Peking duck if you're really pushing it. Can't go red meat. You cannot go beef and then lay down. If you go beef and lay down, you're not getting up, period. You're not. You and I both know it. You're not getting up to go see the Cirque du Soleils. If you've had a T bone, it's not gonna happen. But I'm glad that you guys made it out to Vegas. As long as you had a weekend away. And I was a catalyst and I still got the money from your ticket. I don't give a fuck what you did. I don't care if you scissor in the lobby. As long as I got the money from your ticket purchase and it cleared the bank, you're good with me. And you know what? If I play Detroit again, I'll let you come and you can be my guest. So DM me.

Ad Voice (49:45)

Great.

Heather McMahon (49:45)

Everyone's gonna DM me saying that. That was it. I don't care. People get really upset. I missed the show for this. That. Did you already buy the ticket? Guys, it's okay. It's okay. I gotta build a pool house very soon. Like, very soon in the near future. Cause I gotta get an office outside the house. Cause no one respects me in my own home. So as long as that ticket cleared the bank, you're good. But I love that y' all got away and had a good time. That's a beautiful thing right there. You know, time with your husband away from the fam. I'm not mad at you. Thank you for the honesty. But definitely come see the show. It's a very good tour. I promise you. It is. And the meet and greets are not always that weird. Vegas meet and greets have always consistently been very odd. Though, now that I think about it, they have been odd. Cuz it's not like I'm going to one city and I know the demographic or I know exactly, you know, when you perform. I don't know, say I'm doing Kansas City. Well, a lot of people at the meet and greets will know each other. Familiar faces. It's all the same energy at the same city. Vegas. We had people from all over the country that were at that meet and greet, and that's why got a little heated. I love that you called and said you missed the show. That brings me so much joy. But you know what that also means is that you had a fucking good time whether I was a part of it or not. And as long as I got my money for that ticket, you do you, baby. I was at the roulette table getting a massage from a small Thai woman drinking MC Ultras with this family from Ohio that was coming to the show and they were fucking fantastic. And they're like, do you care if we play crafts with you? I was like, or roulette. I said, sit down, play with me. And then I. Once my massage was done, the other girl got a massage. We were having a great time. That is what's fun about Vegas is everybody sees each other through the casino and it's a real family. It's a real family vibe in Vegas, which is not what people usually say about Vegas. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.

Caller/Listener (51:40)

Hey, Heather, it's Andrea from Dallas. I have an absolutely not, but maybe it's an absolutely yes. So I got this targeted ad on, I think it was Facebook for this new skims bra with built in nipples. I am not of the newest generation. And this is. Do people wear this? Is this an absolutely yes? Like, I guess the whole point is that you look braless but you're wearing a bra. Like, is that what we're going for is like nips? And like, also what happens if, like, you actually start to nip while you're wearing the nipple bra? I don't really know. So are we like absolutely yes in this or is this like a complete absolutely not? I think it's an absolutely not. Just curious what your thoughts are. Tiramisu bitch.

Heather McMahon (52:27)

Tiramisu bitch. The nipple bra. I remember when the ad came out and I said, good for Kim, good for Kimberly Noel. I mean, you can't say she's not. She's not trying things. I don't really feel one way or another about the nipple bra because my nips are always hard. I've got a thick bra on right now. I do think it does defeat the purpose, but I do get it. If you want to have a little nip, you want to show the nip. But you need the support. I like that because when my nips are usually doing their own thing, they are at least belly button height. So it feels good to know that I have an option if I want to go nips out, but I still want the oomph. I want the girls up under the throat. I could go that route. That's very nice. I mean, listen, you can be mad at her for a lot of things, but you can't be mad at her for being an inventor. And that's. I mean, call Kim Benjamin Franklin. Basically, I love a nip. I say, free the nips. You know, I have great nips. My nips for the ratio of nip to breast tissue is perfect. I have been told that by many lovers. You know, the guy in Wichita did bring up my nips, so actually, not in Wichita and Des Moines, now that I think about it, I may have at one point hooked up with this man. He may have just gotten where he knew me from wrong. But maybe he did say, good to see those nips. And I said, those are good nips. You know, they're good nips, but I love a nipple. I was always jealous of the. The itty titty girls, though, who could run around with no bra and a white tank top. Oh, I love the girls with the no bra. Oh, you have no bra on. Good for you. That's not an option for me. That is not an option. All right? And I do it. I will free the nip like I tried to free Brit, but it is. They. They don't sit where most nips do. Okay? And that's something I'm working on. I got my neck done. I don't know if that's settling. May have to go under the knife again with that. That's a whole nother podcast episode. I'm stressed about that, guys. That's really why I'm distraught today, because my neck. I may have to suck some more out. I was getting a facial with my girl Karen the other day, and I swear by Karen, Karen is everything Karen. If she says jump, I say, how high? And she was like, you got your neck done? I can tell. I said, yeah. And she goes, I don't think they did enough. And I said, karen, you're not wrong. So that's why I'm coming in hot. It's not healing as quickly as I'd like, and it kind of looks like I haven't so far done anything to my neck, so. And if I'm gonna have to get the neck done, Twice. I might as well get my nips maybe pulled up. Cause I don't want them changed. Although I have had girlfriends, when they do get their boobs done, they make sure that they get extra small nips. So I guess that's a thing. Nobody wants those pepperoni nips anymore. You want the smaller nip, but it's just like bbls. Everyone's gonna get these fake tiny nips. And then in 10 years, everyone's gonna want the big saucer nipples. So we can't win for trying. But I wanna tell you this right now. If I do have to go under and get this neck tweaked, I'm getting something else done. Maybe it won't be on my face, but you'll find out sooner than later. It's been a blessed week. I have really. I feel like I've lived a hundred lives in the last week. And maybe that's the reason for the discombobulation. Because I have been across America. I am now the host of America. And I want you to know the rest of the week, I will be bringing old school Kathie Lee Gifford energy, where she would just in the middle of someone's testimony of whatever product they were selling or story they were selling on the Today show, she used to just start singing Everyone has a story. And that's what I miss about Kathy. She had her this single, this song called Everyone has a Story. And she would sing it every single day on the Today show when she used to originally host with Hoda. And I think I just need to start doing that breakout in song in the middle of, like, Jenna giving a tee up. Before we go to a commercial, just start saying, everyone has a story. And if you're not following the Instagram account, it's called Kathy Lee Hoda, no context. It is the greatest, greatest account you will ever see in your life. And you know, that's kind of what they brought me in to do this week. Is this week an audition? I don't know. Probably. But I gotta remember to be me, to free the nips and to be the Kathie Lee that I know that I can be. Cause you know what? Everyone has a story. And that's why I told you guys the story of what happened to me in Des Moines. And if you see a Casey's Keep fucking driving. Don't trust that pizza. And don't trust Mr. Casey, because I don't know what the fuck he thought he was doing when he thought it was acceptable to put a raw piece of pizza in A plastic bag. Thank you guys for being so supportive too, and on all the social media stuff as I've been posting and your kind comments mean the world to me. I'm very excited for the rest of this week. I will not be doing the red carpet for the Oscars. I may be out in LA for the parties. I will be back for some of the other award shows, so don't panic. But everybody, give your love to Zuri because she's going to absolutely be crushing it this week. The Oscars is very exciting. I love the tail end of award season and I'm waiting on the phone call to see if I get into the Vanity Fair party. If I get into the Vanity Fair party again and I get that green light, my ass is getting on a flight on Saturday. I'm flying to la. I'm showing up to the party and I will have stories for you. If I don't get on on the list, then I'll probably bring my mom on next week, which is such a bummer because that Vanity Fair party is so fun. But anyways, your girl's been working at twerking it. I will have more stories for y' all next week. And we have some exciting guests coming next week as well. So we're doing a lot of podcasting this week. We're tearing it up. I gotta go get a slice of pizza. My blood sugar's low. But I love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the road. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com get your merch@heatherontour.com if you're coming to the show. And for some reason we don't have your size. A lot of y' all have been dming me about merch. Get it at heather on tour.com and you can always call into the hotline and I will see you guys later. Oh, and also see on the cruise that's coming up. We have a couple cabins left. Heather@c.com there's so many Heathers doing things@a.com. if you want to know what size tampons I wear, Heather has a wide vagina. Dot com. There you go. I'll see you guys on the next episode. Ciao bella. A rover. Darcy, thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.

Caller/Listener (59:11)

I can hear it instantly.