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- [00:07]
Heather McMahon
Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I am quite raspy today. I have been yapping quite a bit, lot to catch you up on. So actually, you know what? I'm gonna do this voice because when you're on the Today show, you realize that all the real newscasters speak at this voice. And then I came in day one and in the first 10 seconds of being on national television, announced to everyone that I had gotten my neck done and I was screaming. It so really came in hot. But we have a lot to catch up on. I was on a whirlwind tour across America, not performing comedy, but shooting a commercial. And we have got to get into what happened to me in a Walgreens and Iowa. It wasn't a love connection, it was a misconnection. But we'll get into that. Really was a misidentification. I want to hit the voicemails at the hotline, see what y' all have been up to. And you know, I'll spill the tea. The give you the behind the scenes look at co hosting the Today show this week. So anyways, without further ado, welcome to the podcast. Let's start with the last week. So had the shows in Vegas. They were such a success, had such a blast. And I flew from Vegas to Jacksonville, Florida. So I was shooting this campaign for this company. I'm not quite sure when it'll come out. So I don't, I can't tell you much about the brand, but all you need to know is I was doing a food commercial. And one of the elements of the food commercial was we were donating the specific product to local food pantries and also going around and meeting people with the last name pantry that was a part of it. So it was a part give back part. Going out and hitting the mean streets of America and meeting folks. Production crew was great. The brand is great. Everybody at the ad agency was great. I brought my buddy Trace along with me who was doing glam on the shoot. We were just like full throttle ready to go. But when I tell you, baby, I have seen America and I've already seen America and the world, if you will, after being a touring comic. But I ended up at the corner of death and despair at a Walgreens in Iowa. That just, it rattled me to my Core. But also. Also, it was kind of. Kind of made me feel alive. But let me walk you through the week just so y' all understand how chaotic it was. We shot all day in Florida, and of course, Trace and I were traveling from the west coast, so we were running on two hours of sleep. We get up, we shoot all over Florida. Then the next day is a travel day. We head to Des Moines, Iowa. And Des Moines I had never been to. I'd been to one part. I'd been to Council Bluffs, which is also kind of terrifying in Iowa. Driven through there, but I'd never spent time in Iowa. Sorry. We stay at a really great hotel, and so we're like, gung ho. We're ready to go. We have a full day. The next day of shooting, two hours outside of Des Moines. So I know we're gonna be out in the country, but we're like, let's go see what Des Moines has to offer. Go to this famous spot for pizza. Quickly learn it's a late night spot. So Trace and I are both like, listen, we're glad we had a Crab Rangoon experience, but that's Crab Rangoon pizza is not something you eat at 7pm it's what you eat at 2am so we were already clutching our pearls, just knowing it was gonna be a bad, bad evening. Could have been a rough evening. So we decided to go down to Walgreens. You know, I need to get some toiletries. Our luggage hadn't made it, and we wanted to pick. Pick up some preemptive proactive in case there was a Crab Rangoon pizza explosion. So anywho, we look up the closest Walgreens. It's a mile away from our hotel. Great. We go over the bridge, and we quickly realize we might be on the wrong side of the railroad tracks. Now, before everybody comes for me, Heather, how did you know it was the wrong side of the railroad tracks? I'll tell you how we knew. Because everybody in the parking lot, perusing the aisles at this Walgreens had on Cookie Monster pajama pants. Now, you might say, Heather, that seems wildly niche, wildly specific. You always know you're on the wrong side of the tracks when you are in an establishment and everyone has on pajama pants. It was 9pm at night. I get it. You're thinking maybe they wanted to tuck in early. No, no, no, no, no. It was negative 20 degrees out. So while you may just be in your comfort street wear or you just want to be in your loungewear, it doesn't work when it's 20 below. Not a single person had a coat on, but damn it, if they didn't have on Cookie Monster pajama pants. So we walk in and I'm like, all right, I'm gonna get a toothbrush, some Tums, couple other accoutrements, we'll be good to go. We get in line at this Walgreens. There is a. And, you know, if you're white, you know, specifically, you don't have to be white to understand this, but there's a very specific type of heavyset white woman who is from the wrong side of the railroad tracks. And she just. The way she, you know, her voice is elevated. She's fighting with either her sister, her stepdaughter. You know, it's like the mom and daughter, they're probably mother and daughter, but they look too close in age to actually. You couldn't question that they're mother, daughter, but you know that this heavyset white woman was obviously a teen mom. So the mother and daughter screaming at each other, she's like, he, you know, he's your boyfriend, he ain't mine. I'm not fucking dealing with it. She threw a loose change at the other woman. It was fine. Trace and I are standing in the back, just like, you know what? We're going to give them their space. So we already kind of watched, like, a cat fight go down. Guy in front of me checks out, gets his skull. Skull, not skull. Skull. Skull. Skull. It's a very, very specific chewing tobacco. He also picks up, you know, some magnums. So I'm like, obviously, the party's on outside this Walgreens. And then it's our turn. So we get to the counter. Now you're probably thinking, heather, why are you even sharing this story? Well, I shared this story on TikTok, and it went wildly viral. And now many people have chimed in on the story. So I feel like I just have to. If you're not on the Tiktoks or the Instagrams, I gotta tell you what's going on. So I get to the desk, see the cashier, really nice guy, has a kind smile, has little gauges in his ears, kind of like a blondish light brown curly hair. And he immediately swipes the. The toothbrush, kind of takes a step back, and he looks at me and he says, wichita. I had a split second to decide, did I wanna pretend like I was from Wichita, then I knew this man, or should I just casually say, nah, it's not me, and keep rolling. No, no, no, of course I chose the first one. I chose fun. I chose adventure. I chose. We're in Des Moines. What the fuck? Why not? So this guy looks at me, see? He says, are you from Wichita? I said, oh, yeah, Wichita. And his eyes light up. I mean, his eyes light up like it is Christmas morning. And he's like, I thought that was you. Do you remember? And I said, oh, I remember. And then he goes, j. Lo. And I said, oh, yeah, J. Lo. And then he says, wow, it is good to see you now in this moment. I'm like, you know, what happened in Wichita? What does JLO have to do with this? Clearly, this man thinks that I am somebody who did something with him and JLo was involved. I. You know, I'm not taking a split second to think about it, but I'm like, I'm rolling with this. I'm ready for this adventure. So he goes, oh, wow, it is good to see you. I didn't really recognize you. And I said, well, I put on a lot of weight. I put on at least 65 pounds, so, you know, I've had some health issues. I put on a ton of weight. And he's just like, no, no, it's good. No, it's fine. It's fine. You still look good. He's like, you know, just so you know. And he puts his hands up. He's like, just so you know, I'm married. And I said, oh, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, totally. I mean, it's been a while. He's like, yeah, yeah, it's been a while. So, okay, I'm in my head. I'm like, all right, this may have been a college thing a couple years ago. It's been a while. And I'm like, I'm also married. And I point to Trace. Now, meanwhile, Trace, my dear friend, he's from Alabama. And he is just absolutely. He's not a twink. He's more of an otter. But he is a little gay thing, okay, with a thick Southern accent and perfectly coiffed hair and the most perfect natural teeth you've ever seen. I mean, I would. I would take a photo of Trace's teeth, take it to a cosmetic dentist and say, this is what I veneers to look like. I mean, he's perfect. There's not a blemish on this man's face. His outfits are on point. He is. But he is clearly radiating fabulous gay energy. So I turn to my friend, I go, oh, yeah, I'm married, too. This is. This is my boo. And Trace is just like, no, no, I can't. And he just, like, silently walks out of this door. So he gets in the Uber, because our Uber's about to leave us. And the guy's like, man, it's really good to see you. It's really good to see you. I was like, so good to see you. Oh, my gosh. I can't believe this. Like, wow. And I am just rolling with this in my mind. I'm racking my brain. What could this man possibly think that we have done? So then I swipe my credit card, I grab my bag, I head out, and I. And I'm merely like, man, I got him good. I got him good. I'm going to walk out of here, and he's just going to be thinking, wow, it's good to see her. I remember what her pussy felt like. It was good to see her. So then he's like, hey, wait, wait, wait. I'm like, oh, he wants more. He wants to get my numbers. Something's about to happen. Turns out when I was trying to exit out of, you know, use my credit card and exit out of the little program on the key, the little keypad, you know, it always has the option, do you want to make a donation to kids with diabetes, you know, children with eczema? And I'm like, fuck, no. Fuck no. I forgot to press no decline before it swiped my card. So meanwhile, I'm tapping my credit card. I'm not paying attention. I'm flirting with the man from. Who thinks I'm from Wichita. He's clearly from Wichita. Anyways, so I have to run back in. I'm tapping my card, and then I was like, oh, God, this is so embarrassing. I just told this guy I put on a ton of weight. And I was like. So I just said it out loud. I was like, man, I'm so sorry. This is so embarrassing. I promise you my credit card is not going to get declined. But, you know, I haven't seen you in so long. And I put on all this weight. And he's like, no, don't feel sorry. Don't feel bad about yourself. You look great. It's really good to see you. I was like, yeah, but that's so embarrassing that I just told you. Like, I really let myself go. And then I turn around, and the other guy in line's like, yeah, Kind of nodding with me like, yeah, this was. This was not a clean exit. So then I. I look up, I'm trying to make eye contact with him because I still want to Flirt with them just because I want him to feel something. I'm finally feeling something because, fuck, it's negative 20 in Iowa. So this was warming my heart and my soul and my physical body. My excrements were finally getting feeling. And he's like, man, it's just. It's really good to see you. And I'm like, I got to get out of here. Stop. Stop flirting. And I run out. We get in the Uber, and I. We're just laughing to ourselves. We're like, no one's going to believe this. And I call my husband. I'm like, honey, this guy thought I was somebody from Wichita. What do you think happened? He's like, oh, I know what happened. You were clearly a stripper. Because a lot of people who meet me who don't know I'm an entertainer, I have that very familiar face. I have exotic dancer face. I have exotic dancer voice. I have exotic dancer shoulders. But everywhere I go, and they always stop me, and they go, how do I know you? And I'm like, you think that I gave you a lap dance once? So Jeff's like, heather, it's very obvious. You clearly gave him a lap dance or maybe a happy ending at a strip club. You were probably dancing to J. Lo, you know, Jenny from the block. You were grinding on him while he was eating a jalapeno popper. So this was a core memory for him. And I was like, that's right. He probably thinks I am JLo, the stripper from Wichita who was grinding on him. So I put the thing up on TikTok. I don't think twice about it. I'm like, this was just a funny incident that happened. I wake up the next morning, thousands of comments. People are like, we know this Walgreens. We know this man. Of course it happened at this Walgreens. And I didn't say which Walgreens it was, but everybody in Iowa has now, somehow, Iowa TikTok has picked this up. And they're like, we're gonna go find him. We're gonna let him know. And I panicked. I'm like, well, we can't do that. Like, this guy said he was married. It was a misidentification. It's not a misconnection. It's not like I was the one who was lying to this man. He saw a glimmer in my eye. I saw a glimmer of his, and I was willing to play ball. I was not trying to, like, meet up with this man. I'm not trying to ruin a Marriage. So I started to panic and Trace is like, just roll with it, just roll with it. Next thing you know, JLO has entered the chat. So JLO comments, crying, laughing, emoji. Reese Witherspoon comments, ain't your mama, of course. And I'm like, what is happening? Why are JLO and Reese Witherspoon now dialed into this story? So I start getting all these random DMs of people from Iowa on TikTok and Instagram. We're gonna go to this Walgreens. We know exactly what Walgreens you're at. You're talking about the Cookie Monster pajamas. It's this one community at the corner of 14th and South Park. And everybo, no matter if you're working there or in the parking lot, they all have on Cookie Monster pajamas. Like, it was just very madly specific. So I decide the next day I'm like, I gotta call this Walgreens. Because then I got curious, right? But curiosity always kills the cat. Then I got curious. I'm like, well, now I need clarification for myself. If we're really going to lean in and maybe I'm going to have a misconnection with this man, I need to know what who he thought I was. So I call back, I get a lady on the phone and I said, hey, I had a really great time at your Walgreens last night. Incredible service. You had a manager on duty, it was around 9pm he had gauges in his ears, you know, blondish, brownish curly hair. I got lost in his eyes. He was so helpful. And I just wanted to say thank you. Can you let me know what his name was? Well, Walgreens is doing a good job of protecting their employees. Cause she said, I absolutely cannot give you his name. It's a safety precaution thing. We can't be giving out our employees info. I said, that's totally fine. Can I just leave a message for him? She said, yeah, you can leave a message and on his headset tomorrow he can listen to it. So now I'm thinking, oh, this is great. This gentleman's gonna walk in in the morning, put on his headset, start working the drive through pharmacy. And he's gonna get a little note from J. Lo from Wichita. So I will leave him a little message. Hey, just let him know JLO from Wichita said, thank you so much. It was so great to see you. I hope we run into each other again. Like, was just really, really great and made my year. So great to see you. So then I post this on TikTok, me talking to the woman at Walgreens. Then the DMs really start getting crazy because this younger generation on TikTok, you have to remember, when you post something, anybody 35 and up gets it. Anybody 35 and below does not get it. They don't fully understand satire. And so they are like, we need this to happen. We want to see this story continue. You guys need to end up getting married. We want you to have babies, the whole thing. And I was like, I don't know how many times I have to tell you, it's not a misconnection. It was a misidentification. I simply needed to hear this man's voice and be like, hey, man, I was pranking you last night. I don't know you from Adam, but I would really like to get to the bottom of who you thought I was. So then I had to take down the video because so many people were messaging me. We're going to the Walgreens, we're gonna talk to this guy. I'm like, what if his wife sees this and then I get him in trouble for something? I'm a public figure. What if this spirals? I'm banned from Iowa. Like, of course, my worrisome brain just like went there. So I take that video down and then everyone was like, you're being so ridiculous. Don't take it down. But I'm like, I don't trust these young, like 19 year olds in Des Moines. They have nothing fucking to do with their time. Of course they're going to go to this Walgreens and harass everybody in Cookie Monster pajamas. So I just panicked. So I took that one down. But when I tell you the entire time I was in Des Moines, I was just racking my brain, you know, why do I give off X stripper energy? Why do I give off XX worker energy? I don't know. I haven't been with another sexual partner in 14 years. Yes. Was I a little bit of a hoe in college? I sure was. But I've been locked down. I've been a faithful woman to the Jeffrey Daniels Italian Stallion. But apparently I give off whorish energy. And maybe it's the confidence, maybe it's the big tits, the blonde hair, the broad shoulders, the deep raspy voice, which is essentially just gonna kill me this week because I've been doing so much yapping, but I don't know what it is. Why do I give off horish energy? And whorish energy can be a good thing, but whenever I meet people, especially older men. Oh God. If you're in your 50s at a sky Club, they always stop me and kind of give me a wink and a point like, yeah, I remember you, the Peppermint Club. And you're like, yeah, the Peppermint Club. And I keep going. I've never been to the Peppermint Club, but apparently you think that I gave you a hand job in the back of the Peppermint Club. It's exhausting.
- [15:56]
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- [16:56]
Heather McMahon
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- [22:21]
Heather McMahon
That's a dash dash y dash I dot com. So anyways, we had Des Moines as the, the HQ, if you will, for this shoot. And we drove out and we were driving to the middle of nowhere, Iowa. And we had to stop at this place called A Casey's. A Casey's is like a gas station. They're known for their pizza. I'm just gonna throw this out there. Casey's, the pizzas. It wasn't it. It wasn't it. Everyone's dming me from Go to Casey's. Go to Casey's. You get a slice of this pizza and the way you transport it to your car is you put it in a plastic bag. Not on a paper towel, not on a paper plat. You just take a slice of pizza out of the rotating Lazy Susan, the glass lazy Susan, and then you put it in like a plastic bag. So I'm talking skin on skin, plastic, unmelted cheese. Not, not kosher, not good. Didn't like that at all. Casey's then though, I asked the lady, I go, well, what dipping sauces do I do? What, which ones do I get? She's like, well, obviously you gotta get. There was like a honey mustard. There was a barbecue. I'm like, listen, I'm from the South, I eat sick shit, but I'm not putting honey mustard on a pizza. You're outta your mind. She said, don't worry, darlin's. The ranch is in the cooler. So we had to go in the back, get the ranch out of the cooler. We're eating. Casey's on the another. We have another hour and like 20 minute drive to the middle of nowhere, Iowa at the Missouri border. When I tell you right now, standing at this Casey's about 30 minutes outside of Des Moines, I saw some creatures and characters I did not know existed. It was like the Walking Dead. Met Stranger Things, met my cousin Earl, met X Files. It was like your brother, sister's cousins, babysitters. I don't even know how to describe some of the characters I met. And listen, this is my point of this. I have seen parts of America, now the outskirts of Iowa that I'll never recover from. And that's not on the people of Iowa. But as a Southerner who constantly gets shit from people from the Midwest and the north, that's always rednecks, redneck this, redneck that. Oh, you guys are white. White trash. White trash. Mississippi, white trash. Georgia, white trash. I Don't want to fucking hear it. Okay. I don't want to fucking hear it. Call me when you've been 30 minutes outside of Des Moines at a Casey's with a Mountain Dew in one hand, a piece of pizza, skin on skin to the plastic, okay? And you got ranch from the cooler. And there's a man who's cross eyed asking you if you need your gas pumped. And guess what? It's not a rule in Iowa for them to pump your gas. You can pump your own gas. So I'm just saying I have been to the rural parts of the Midwest and they are far worse than the rural parts of Alabama. And you heard it here first. The south will rise again, but not in the way that that original phrase intended it to rise. I just mean we need a little bit more respect. Put some respect on my name as a Southerner. My whole point of this is it was a little culture shock for me. And I went to school in Mississippi. I have been in the backwoods of Alabama. I have been, you know, on the east coast of Louisiana, near the west coast. What is it? I have been in Cypress Bend, Louisiana, and that's all you need to know. That's where swamp people hang out. And I still had more culture shock seeing real Midwestern country folk. That is a different braid, y'.
- [25:45]
Caller/Listener
All.
- [25:46]
Heather McMahon
That's a different braid. And I guarantee the guy who offered to pump our gas, I guarantee I could have paid him an Adderall. That's what he was looking for. Honestly, I felt it, the energy I felt that he was giving to me. He wanted a bite of my Casey's pizza and he wanted some methamphetamines. But yeah, I was scared straight. In the Midwest, we met so many wonderful people. It really was a great experience. But being I could see Des Moines in the distance and we had stopped to pee and get some gas and everyone said, go to Casey's. And I looked at Trace, I said, honey, we ain't in the south no more. We gotta get going. They don't like our kind up here. I mean, truly. It was like that piece of Picante commercial New York City. This guy was like, you need me to pump your gas? And he was completely cross eyed. And I said, I don't like it here. I don't like it. We gotta get going. But we had a wonderful time on the shoot. Met so many wonderful people. I was all over God's green earth. In five days. I hit five different states. And then I got in a car. As soon as I Wrapped on Friday, was on my way to New York City. And we've been here, we've been doing the Today show. It has been so much fun. But I do apologize. That's why I'm a little hoarse this week. I'm really hoarse because we got to shoot a phenomenally fun piece. I took Jenna to my old stomping grounds. We went to my old block, showed her my old apartment. We went to Empanada Mama, this place I used to blackout and go to and get hot empanadas at 4am After a bartending shift. And then I took her to Flaming Saddles, which is one of my favorite gay bars in Hell's Kitchen. And if you don't know Flaming Saddles, it's. It's a, it's a country western themed gay bar. And every 45 minutes, the dancers, the bartenders are the dancers, the dancers are the bartenders. You gotta be multi talented, multifaceted to work here. Multi hyphenate talent, if you will. Every 45 minutes, they get on the bar and they do dances and they. It's not just a two step, it's not just a grapevine. They are twirling in the boots, they're doing the splits. They, they got a leg above their head. They are sexy. The jeans are tight, the butts are lifted, the arms are out. It's juicy, okay? And even if you ladies, even if you know that these men aren't interested in you go for the, the eye candy, they want you to ogle at them. They loved it. You could tip them, you could throw cash at them. And, you know, I felt right at home because people will throw cash at me at Grand Central all the time. These older men, like I told you, they're getting on a train. They slip me a 20 in my bra and they're like, it's great to see you again. I'm like, sir, I don't know you. But regardless, you know, I was there passing out cash. I got Jen on the bar. We're dancing, we're having the time of our life. But I swear to God, they had a fog machine in that place. I may be allergic to fog machines because, you know, when we went to party after the Duplex, we went to the Duplex, another gay bar down in the Village, they had a fog machine. And for a week after it nearly killed us, we all ended up with some sort of sinus infection, some sort of upper respiratory. Why are we not outlawing fog machines? While they are fun? I love it. I love going to A Broadway show. And there's a smoky night in the Phantom of the Opera, and there's some steam and fog, but that's regulated in a gay bar with closed windows. It's too tight. It's too much. You gotta open a fucking window. I've nearly died twice because of these damn fog machines. While the aesthetic is great, yes, it's fun, okay? It feels spooky. It feels sexy. It will kill you. And I guarantee RFK is going to uncover not only is, you know, red dye bad for you, but wait till he uncovers what the fucking fog machines are doing to you. Buckle up, bitches. You thought he was coming for your Gushers and your Fruit Roll Ups? No, no, no. Somebody call the gay bars, because those I would actually get behind that. I would actually be like. You know, the only thing I agree with him is we gotta get rid of the fog machines. It's like asbestos. There's no way that there's not. It's moist, so it's like vaping. It's like you're vaping. There's never an exhaust. There's a fog machine. You're only putting fog out. You're never sucking it back in. And I think that is the problem. That is the problem, and that's why we're all dying. But, man, Flaming Saddles is a good time. So Jenna was so fun, and we were also shooting there at like 4pm in the afternoon, but we had a couple drinks, she had some baka sodas. And I gotta tell you, doing the Today show this week, I'm only on day two, but it has been so much fun. The crew there is amazing. The producers are great. They're just a great crew. And Jenna is so much fun. And I think, you see, you don't see as much of her personality that we all see on camera. I mean, she's so fantastic on the show, but she is really, truly so hysterical, so funny, ballsy, brash, just in it the best way. She has such a great personality. So it's been fun to get to hang out with her outside of the show. And we do this thing, we do a morning meeting every morning. So we're sitting in the makeup chair. The producers come in, they go over all the topics, and Willie guys came in. Guys, I think my new crush, my new hall pass might be Willie Geist. And I know his wife listens to the podcast, and she's a big fan. So I mean no disrespect, but ma', am, Ms. Geist, I need you to know Your husband is a dream. You already know this cause you're married to him, okay? He's lucky to be married to you. But when I tell you, he is just so charming and so kind and handsome. And he has been so nice to me. And I told Jenna, like he walked in the room and I looked at Jenna and I was like, it's Willie. And Willie's one of her best friends. And she's like, I know, Heather. I'm like, no, he's so handsome. And I'll tell you, he's one of those men in television that can wear makeup. Well, sometimes you see a newscaster out and about and they've got a thick layer of Dior beauty Dior flash foundation on and it doesn't settle. Well, I'll tell you what, Willie, he's got a good face for a full beat. He looks really fresh. I wanted to tell him you wear makeup very well. It's unnoticeable. It just looks fresh. He got a nice glow, a nice summery tint. Got a little rouge on the cheeks, but he does. That's a man who is kind, handsome and wears a good beat. So shout out to Willie Geist. Shout out to him. You know, I love my skims. I've been wearing the high waisted thong for ever. And I love it specifically the fits everybody high waisted thong. 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I buy their T shirts, I buy her pajamas, I buy skims underwear, bras, all of it. And I love her, obviously, Skims shapewear. But I'm telling you right now, you're going to love all the Fits Everybody collection. They've got the thongs, the high waisted thongs, the pushup BR t shirt bras. All of it truly will change your life. So again, all you gotta do is go to skims.com so that's skims s k I m s dot com and shop skim Stories and let them know that we sent you here from the Absolutely not podcast. The amount that I travel and run around and do the most, I'm telling you what, it has wreaked havoc on my tummy. That's why I love Just Thrive Probiotic. I started Just Thrive Probiotic in the new year and it's a resolution that I've been able to stick to. See most probiotics die in your harsh stomach acid before they can even do any good. Just Thrive Probiotic is the only probiotic clinically proven to arrive in your gut 100% alive for you. 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Listeners are the Absolutely not podcast can claim an exclusive three month free trial with no credit card required at www.ynab.com. absolutely. That's YNAB. That's ynab.com Absolutely. Again, YNAB is a life changing app that helps you do what you want with the money you have. You'll create a flexible plan for your money through the simple practice of giving every dollar a job. So again, check out ynab.com. absolutely. That's y n a b dot com. Absolutely. Thank me later. And right now, it's time to get back to the podcast. I have a work crush. That's it. I have a work crush. Now, one might think that I might lean more Al Roker because he is the kindest person in the biz, but I really am teetering in between. Is Al Roker my new work crush or is it Willie? Guys, you know, maybe, you know, tomorrow's a new day. Who knows? Maybe I'll nuzzle up to Al Roker. Who knows what happens? But everybody has a work crush. You have to have a work crush.
- [36:27]
Caller/Listener
Mm.
- [36:29]
Heather McMahon
Unfortunately for Christina, it's just me. It's just me or gay men. And Andrew just got married, so he's out of the running. Yeah. Yeah. So it's not great. That's the thing. That's Christina's type. She's in the studio right now. You guys can't see her. She's off camera. She's taking notes on all the ways we have to edit this podcast because I sound like I've been sucking on a fog machine. And I. I understand that it's probably very annoying when I come on this podcast. I'm like, gosh, I'm Joe Disheveled. My brain is fried. But we've been up since six and I love doing this podcast. It is a joy and a pleasure because I like recapping and taking you behind the scenes of what's going on. But damn it, it has been one of those days. I have been yapping. I just want to sit I want. You know what I really want, and I need to manifest this. I want Willie Geist to do an in depth sit down with me Sunday sit down. I want to do a Sunday sit down with Mr. Guice. He's so funny. He's so charming. And then maybe he'll invite me to dinner with him and his wife, and we just, you know, we just see where it goes. Oh, God. But the Today show has been truly so much fun. I mean, hell, as we were saying our afternoon goodbye or our morning goodbye, Jenna told me to hit the splits. And I hit the splits again. So she better pay for my physical therapy, because my body will be broken. But I want NBC and Universal to know right now I am doing the most. I am giving y' all great content. And don't you forget it. When the host of the Today show says, heather, can you do the splits? I jumped down in a brand new pair of manolos that were $700. And why do I buy them? Because they run up to a size 12. I can only buy expensive shoes, all right? But I did the splits on those Manolos, and I said, damn it, Jenna. I just bought these yesterday, okay? And I almost ripped my Ann Taylor loft suit. So I just want NBC to acknowledge that I'm doing the most for them. But this really has been a dream week. What else are we doing tonight? We're going to dinner. I'm going to dinner with Jenna and one of our producers and our friends, and then we're going to Chelsea Handler's birthday. She just turned 50. What's also been cool is, like, on the show, getting to interview my friends. We had Rosebud Baker on yesterday. Her new special came out on Netflix, y'. All. You have to check it out. It's so phenomenal, especially if you're a mom. You will absolutely love it. She shot half of it while she was pregnant, half of it after she had had her baby. Minnow. It's just a really, really phenomenal special, but it's been really fun, and the show moves fast. You know, we'll prep ourselves for about 10 topics at the top of the show to talk about. And this morning, we got through one. I mean, people don't realize each segment on on television is like three minutes each. So you tee something up, you get one response, and then it's to commercial break. So it's a very fast paced show doing live TVs like nothing you've ever seen. So while I love your notes and your comments that you DM me With just know that I am also fighting for my life. Cause it is, it is live. But it's good to be back in the city, man. We've been having a blast. The sun came out, it warmed up, it's 55 degrees. The only coat I brought was a fake faux fur from Moomoo. So I'm just dripping, I'm sweating, sweating like JLO from Wichita. So that's where I'm at emotionally. I'm working every day. I'm sorry if I'm not able to return your calls and go to dinner. It's cuz I go from the Today show to the podcast studio. We're doing press, we're running around and I feel blessed. But it's been really fun, so I can't complain. So that's what I've been up to. Today's show, back on the road, next weekend, in a week. I don't know when, what time and space is coming to Kansas City, Missouri. I think we only have a few tickets left for that show, so you better get those. I'll be performing at the Midland Theater. I am having so much fun on this new tour, man. I love the material. We're working it out. We're having the best fucking time. So thank you guys who have come out to all these shows because it's been truly, truly, truly such a fun experience. And I hope you guys are having a great time too. But get your tickets@heatherontour.com, but now, as always, what is this podcast about? It's about the absolute hotline. So let's hit the hotline. You can always call in 800-213-7503. Let's get to our voicemails. All right, I'm gonna play them off my phone.
- [40:42]
Caller/Listener
Hi, Heather, My name is Lauren. I am a longtime listener and just saw you in Las Vegas at the Venetian. It was amazing. I did attend my first meet and greet with my husband. He bought the ticket. Love him. But my question for you is, are your meet and greets always that unhinged or was it just like the spirit of Las Vegas? There was just to start the most aggressive hand raising I've ever seen in my life. Which, you know, it's a given. We're all very excited to. But secondly, the first question out of the gate was a woman who. It was a very niche question that was really kind of like threw me off talking about how she's an origami artist and how she wants to start a podcast while she's folding her Thousand paper cranes. And I'm like, what is going on? Like, then another girl can't even get through her question because she's crying and bringing up Covid. And I am just like, this is a shit show. Like, what is going on? Is everybody hammered? Like, I just need to know, is that normal for you? Love and light. Love you so much. Thanks for such a great show. Bye.
- [41:57]
Heather McMahon
Hey, hon. Thanks for coming to the meet and greet. Well, I'll tell you what, the people who make it to the meet and greet are absolutely, without a doubt the. I'd say the most emotionally unstable people I've ever met in my life. And I say that in a positive way. Way, Right? They're obviously paying extra to have a little one on one time with your Aunt Heather. Now, first of all, we promote and support female businesses. So right out the gate, I was all on board with the questions about how to start the podcasting. I thought I gave great sage advice to the woman who wanted to start the podcast. I said, honey, if you want to start folding origami cranes, you don't do that on a podcast. No, no, no, no, sweet, sweet thing. You do it on YouTube. You do it on TikTok. And I think I gave her really great sound advice. So that, that question, I did not throw me off. I thought that was phenomenal. Now, are there. Is there a lot of crying? There is sometimes emotional moments, but it's sweet, you know, I mean, listen, at the end of the day, I'm out here telling dick jokes. I'm being ridiculous. I'm rolling around on the floor. I don't roll around on the floor. What am I talking about? I'm a clown. Some days I feel a little bit like a puppet and a clown. I'm an entertainer, a court jester, if you will. So it is nice for me in a self indulgent way to know that not all of this is in vain. Right? When somebody says, heather, you got me through this hard time, or, you know, somebody just died, I can connect with the dead dad club, yada, yada, yada. That is a nice. It's just, it's okay to have a human connection. And you know what? I'm realizing that whoever called in with his voicemails a second, cynical. All right? My God, God forbid people want to have a human connection and say, you got me through a tough time, or how do I start my female business? Meanwhile, you're sitting back there in the words King Curtis, like you're just some princess lady. What did King Curtis say? Hold on. You're treating us like the sorry people. I gotta pull it up. Definitely no cheese in the can. Very happy to be throwing this away.
- [43:55]
Caller/Listener
Bacon.
- [43:56]
Heather McMahon
No, I want my bacon. I gotta tell you something. Bacon is good for me. This is very. Let me go into the grocery store. She thinks out of the blue, she's a smart little girl, that she can do whatever she wants. No, that's not how she can do it. In our family, she act like she's the queen and we're the sorry people, period. That's what King Curtis said. And that's how I feel about this voicemail. She's acting like she's a queen and we're the sorry people. Yes. Are there some sad people that come to meet and greets? For sure. But don't act like you're the queen and you ain't got no problems and everybody else is a sorry people. Now, was there a woman at the meet and greet who was blackout drunk? Yes. Was she mumbling? Yes. No one understood what she was trying to say. That was a little bit of a struggle. And I do ask that when you are at the meet and greets, you know, I want to be able to say hi to everyone and I want to be able to take a photo, do whatever. But it is tough when there is one bad act, and I think that's who you're referring to, who was just hammered and this woman was just, you know, just talk about random shit. She would just interject, screaming at everybody. But, yeah. Are the meet and greets a little bit of a wild roller coaster? For me? Yeah, they are. And I'm glad that you observed it, but I don't even know what to say. These are the private conversations I have with myself at night. I'll be like, wow. Wow, that was intense. Because you're already coming off this high of doing this show and going 100 miles an hour and sweating through your costume. And then you try and have this human connection moment. But there are some times. There are some times that I get off stage and I open a gift and it's so weird and peculiar. I have to think about it for a couple days. Listen, you can cry. You can cry during the show. You can cry at the meet and greet. I don't want anybody to ever feel emotionally stunted at my shows. But I'll tell you what, when they're hammered and it's a solo, a solo meet and greet hammered gal is just. She's a rare breed. That's a whole nother level of we Got something going on, and that's probably the person the meet and greet that needs to hug the quickest. But we had one woman who just kissed and I'm from Mississippi. What'd she say? I'm staying at the Cosmo and I came all the way here and she was just hammering, hammering us with questions. I'm glad she was there, though. You know, she also got a poster and a hug, so don't think I forgot about her. But yeah, sometimes the meet and greets are so fun and everyone's cool and we're having a good time, and then sometimes they take a turn. All I wanna say is, come to the meet and greets. Bring good energy, bring good gifts, and it's. It's okay to be a little weird because there's usually an intimate group of real McManiacs. And maybe let's come with less judgment and more love. Okay. Wow. Wow. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [46:48]
Caller/Listener
Heather, your girl Amanda from Detroit. Big fan. Seen you both times. You've come to Detroit in the last couple years. My husband and I booked a trip to Vegas just for your show at the Venetian this past weekend. Unfortunately, we got on a heater on a craps table at Binion's and then we had an early dinner at Vic and Anthony's. We planned this out. 5:30 dinner back to the hotel room to take a nap and then get ready and head over to the Venetian. Fortunately, the alarm never went off. Before I knew it, it was 11pm we missed the show. The whole reason we went to Vegas was for your show weather and we slept through it. I had major FOMO watching your reels and videos, but I'm sure it was a wonderful show. Just have to catch you another time. Love and light, girl.
- [47:47]
Heather McMahon
See, I like that. That's an honest call. That was an honest mistake. I don't blame you. Vegas is exhausting. You have to walk through huge, spacious casinos. You're getting in your steps. The air is dry. Okay, you were on a heater. You were. You were making money, then you went to an early dinner. Dude, if I go to dinner at 6pm and I'm digesting by 7, I got to be in bed. That's why I don't do early dinners. I can stay upright and keep going if my blood sugar never changes. But once I get that first taste of warm bread, maybe a marinated olive, down the hatch, I'm ready for night night. So I get it. I love that you came all the way from Detroit, though, to Vegas. Not an easy feat and slept through the show. But these are the kind of. This is the kind of honesty I respect out of y' all as listeners, as viewers, as patrons of the arts. You just said, listen, we were exhausted. You probably got away from your kids. You won couple hundred bucks playing roulette. You went to an early dinner, had a nice filet. And that's the thing. You can't do red meat. If you got to go to a show, you cannot have a steak beforehand. Got to keep it light. Fish, shrimp, oysters, maybe a poultry dish, maybe a Peking duck if you're really pushing it. Can't go red meat. You cannot go beef and then lay down. If you go beef and lay down, you're not getting up, period. You're not. You and I both know it. You're not getting up to go see the Cirque du Soleils. If you've had a T bone, it's not gonna happen. But I'm glad that you guys made it out to Vegas. As long as you had a weekend away. And I was a catalyst and I still got the money from your ticket. I don't give a fuck what you did. I don't care if you scissor in the lobby. As long as I got the money from your ticket purchase and it cleared the bank, you're good with me. And you know what? If I play Detroit again, I'll let you come and you can be my guest. So DM me.
- [49:45]
Ad Voice
Great.
- [49:45]
Heather McMahon
Everyone's gonna DM me saying that. That was it. I don't care. People get really upset. I missed the show for this. That. Did you already buy the ticket? Guys, it's okay. It's okay. I gotta build a pool house very soon. Like, very soon in the near future. Cause I gotta get an office outside the house. Cause no one respects me in my own home. So as long as that ticket cleared the bank, you're good. But I love that y' all got away and had a good time. That's a beautiful thing right there. You know, time with your husband away from the fam. I'm not mad at you. Thank you for the honesty. But definitely come see the show. It's a very good tour. I promise you. It is. And the meet and greets are not always that weird. Vegas meet and greets have always consistently been very odd. Though, now that I think about it, they have been odd. Cuz it's not like I'm going to one city and I know the demographic or I know exactly, you know, when you perform. I don't know, say I'm doing Kansas City. Well, a lot of people at the meet and greets will know each other. Familiar faces. It's all the same energy at the same city. Vegas. We had people from all over the country that were at that meet and greet, and that's why got a little heated. I love that you called and said you missed the show. That brings me so much joy. But you know what that also means is that you had a fucking good time whether I was a part of it or not. And as long as I got my money for that ticket, you do you, baby. I was at the roulette table getting a massage from a small Thai woman drinking MC Ultras with this family from Ohio that was coming to the show and they were fucking fantastic. And they're like, do you care if we play crafts with you? I was like, or roulette. I said, sit down, play with me. And then I. Once my massage was done, the other girl got a massage. We were having a great time. That is what's fun about Vegas is everybody sees each other through the casino and it's a real family. It's a real family vibe in Vegas, which is not what people usually say about Vegas. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [51:40]
Caller/Listener
Hey, Heather, it's Andrea from Dallas. I have an absolutely not, but maybe it's an absolutely yes. So I got this targeted ad on, I think it was Facebook for this new skims bra with built in nipples. I am not of the newest generation. And this is. Do people wear this? Is this an absolutely yes? Like, I guess the whole point is that you look braless but you're wearing a bra. Like, is that what we're going for is like nips? And like, also what happens if, like, you actually start to nip while you're wearing the nipple bra? I don't really know. So are we like absolutely yes in this or is this like a complete absolutely not? I think it's an absolutely not. Just curious what your thoughts are. Tiramisu bitch.
- [52:27]
Heather McMahon
Tiramisu bitch. The nipple bra. I remember when the ad came out and I said, good for Kim, good for Kimberly Noel. I mean, you can't say she's not. She's not trying things. I don't really feel one way or another about the nipple bra because my nips are always hard. I've got a thick bra on right now. I do think it does defeat the purpose, but I do get it. If you want to have a little nip, you want to show the nip. But you need the support. I like that because when my nips are usually doing their own thing, they are at least belly button height. So it feels good to know that I have an option if I want to go nips out, but I still want the oomph. I want the girls up under the throat. I could go that route. That's very nice. I mean, listen, you can be mad at her for a lot of things, but you can't be mad at her for being an inventor. And that's. I mean, call Kim Benjamin Franklin. Basically, I love a nip. I say, free the nips. You know, I have great nips. My nips for the ratio of nip to breast tissue is perfect. I have been told that by many lovers. You know, the guy in Wichita did bring up my nips, so actually, not in Wichita and Des Moines, now that I think about it, I may have at one point hooked up with this man. He may have just gotten where he knew me from wrong. But maybe he did say, good to see those nips. And I said, those are good nips. You know, they're good nips, but I love a nipple. I was always jealous of the. The itty titty girls, though, who could run around with no bra and a white tank top. Oh, I love the girls with the no bra. Oh, you have no bra on. Good for you. That's not an option for me. That is not an option. All right? And I do it. I will free the nip like I tried to free Brit, but it is. They. They don't sit where most nips do. Okay? And that's something I'm working on. I got my neck done. I don't know if that's settling. May have to go under the knife again with that. That's a whole nother podcast episode. I'm stressed about that, guys. That's really why I'm distraught today, because my neck. I may have to suck some more out. I was getting a facial with my girl Karen the other day, and I swear by Karen, Karen is everything Karen. If she says jump, I say, how high? And she was like, you got your neck done? I can tell. I said, yeah. And she goes, I don't think they did enough. And I said, karen, you're not wrong. So that's why I'm coming in hot. It's not healing as quickly as I'd like, and it kind of looks like I haven't so far done anything to my neck, so. And if I'm gonna have to get the neck done, Twice. I might as well get my nips maybe pulled up. Cause I don't want them changed. Although I have had girlfriends, when they do get their boobs done, they make sure that they get extra small nips. So I guess that's a thing. Nobody wants those pepperoni nips anymore. You want the smaller nip, but it's just like bbls. Everyone's gonna get these fake tiny nips. And then in 10 years, everyone's gonna want the big saucer nipples. So we can't win for trying. But I wanna tell you this right now. If I do have to go under and get this neck tweaked, I'm getting something else done. Maybe it won't be on my face, but you'll find out sooner than later. It's been a blessed week. I have really. I feel like I've lived a hundred lives in the last week. And maybe that's the reason for the discombobulation. Because I have been across America. I am now the host of America. And I want you to know the rest of the week, I will be bringing old school Kathie Lee Gifford energy, where she would just in the middle of someone's testimony of whatever product they were selling or story they were selling on the Today show, she used to just start singing Everyone has a story. And that's what I miss about Kathy. She had her this single, this song called Everyone has a Story. And she would sing it every single day on the Today show when she used to originally host with Hoda. And I think I just need to start doing that breakout in song in the middle of, like, Jenna giving a tee up. Before we go to a commercial, just start saying, everyone has a story. And if you're not following the Instagram account, it's called Kathy Lee Hoda, no context. It is the greatest, greatest account you will ever see in your life. And you know, that's kind of what they brought me in to do this week. Is this week an audition? I don't know. Probably. But I gotta remember to be me, to free the nips and to be the Kathie Lee that I know that I can be. Cause you know what? Everyone has a story. And that's why I told you guys the story of what happened to me in Des Moines. And if you see a Casey's Keep fucking driving. Don't trust that pizza. And don't trust Mr. Casey, because I don't know what the fuck he thought he was doing when he thought it was acceptable to put a raw piece of pizza in A plastic bag. Thank you guys for being so supportive too, and on all the social media stuff as I've been posting and your kind comments mean the world to me. I'm very excited for the rest of this week. I will not be doing the red carpet for the Oscars. I may be out in LA for the parties. I will be back for some of the other award shows, so don't panic. But everybody, give your love to Zuri because she's going to absolutely be crushing it this week. The Oscars is very exciting. I love the tail end of award season and I'm waiting on the phone call to see if I get into the Vanity Fair party. If I get into the Vanity Fair party again and I get that green light, my ass is getting on a flight on Saturday. I'm flying to la. I'm showing up to the party and I will have stories for you. If I don't get on on the list, then I'll probably bring my mom on next week, which is such a bummer because that Vanity Fair party is so fun. But anyways, your girl's been working at twerking it. I will have more stories for y' all next week. And we have some exciting guests coming next week as well. So we're doing a lot of podcasting this week. We're tearing it up. I gotta go get a slice of pizza. My blood sugar's low. But I love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the road. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com get your merch@heatherontour.com if you're coming to the show. And for some reason we don't have your size. A lot of y' all have been dming me about merch. Get it at heather on tour.com and you can always call into the hotline and I will see you guys later. Oh, and also see on the cruise that's coming up. We have a couple cabins left. Heather@c.com there's so many Heathers doing things@a.com. if you want to know what size tampons I wear, Heather has a wide vagina. Dot com. There you go. I'll see you guys on the next episode. Ciao bella. A rover. Darcy, thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.
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Caller/Listener
I can hear it instantly.