B (24:06)

This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with a name your price tool from Progressive you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states. This episode is brought to you by Progressive Insurance. Do you Ever find yourself playing the budgeting game? Well, with the name your price tool from Progressive, you can find options that fit your budget and potentially lower your bills. Try it@progressive.com, progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates. Price and coverage match limited by state law. Not available in all states.

A (24:48)

Things that are also exciting other than me finding mushrooms at home goods. Harry Styles is coming out with new music. Pitbull's going on the road. He follows me on Instagram. He knows that I was the originator of everybody dressing in drag to go to his concerts. I have yet to have a one on one Pitbull experience and I respect him as an artist. I know he doesn't like people coming backstage before the shows, but my God, I will super glue that bald cap on like, let me come out at one show, Armando. Let me come out at one show with you so that a younger generation knows that I've always been your number one fan. And I'm looking at my, my giant flag that's behind the camera on the wall opposite of me in the studio and it just has Pitbull looking sexier than ever. It says Pitbull affirmations. And one that I definitely, definitely needed to tap into today is. Hold on, let me. It's right behind the camera. Reach for the stars. And if you don't grab them, at least you'll fall on top of the world. And when you take a mushroom from home goods, you feel that way. You're in the stars and sometimes you can't grab them because you know your dexterity. You have no motor skills, your hands feel heavy. But if you don't grab them, at least you're gonna fall on top of the world. And sometimes you need to sit on top of the world to observe what's going on. And sometimes you just need to go to a home goods or TJ Maxx and disassociate and look for things on sale. And that's just where we're at right now. But y' all let me know which Pitbull concert we wanna go to. I say collectively we do a field trip and we all go and we tailgate before and we just tear it up. Because a pit bull concert is one of the most fun concerts you will ever go to. Also what came on the playlist as I was cruising to the office today, I'll tell you what, this little teddy bear. Cause that's what I look like right now. This little teddy bear was listening to Jamiroquai Candied in my heels tonight, baby. Been On a big Jamiroquai kick. You know, Virtual Insanity is probably one of the greatest songs ever written. And there's a playlist on Spotify called Poolside Disco. And it's just jam after jam after beat after hit. It's vibes, it's good. Check it out if you want some great easy listening while you're cleaning out your closet on your home goods. Alice. Mushrooms. Just check it out. And I will say, enough with the Dubai chocolate. It's not good unless you go to an actual bakery and they've got that shredded. What is it? Coffee Katifa? No, I think it's with a K. It's, you know, it's like that. Shredded, delicious. Almost like crunchy. Almost like if you put a Wheat. Not a Wheat Thin. What were those? Yeah, it's shredded something. It's like shredded filo dough almost. And then you have the pistachio cream, which, you know is my favorite thing on the planet, with chocolate. But too many people are trying to sell knockoff Dubai chocolate treats at checkouts. They're at every major store. I mean, you could be at a fucking Sears department buying a washer dryer and they're trying to push the knockoff Dubai Chocolate to you. Don't do it. Don't do it. Go to a bakery. If they got a Dubai chocolate cookie, get that. But this other shit, that's prepackaged, it's no good, and it's expensive. So that's all. That's that. That. That's my political take for the week. But anyhow, so we have things to look forward to. I definitely want to put some things on the schedule. I want to get that Pitbull concert ready to go. Also in Atlanta, talk about a throwback. OAR is coming to play. And if you don't remember oar, then we're clearly not the same age. We used to go to OAR concerts in high school. And in the end, my friend, we will all be together again. I mean, a crazy game of poker was. That is my high school. That is my childhood, my youth, my better years. When my tits were perky and my skin was flush. That O A R was it. And we would all be at the concert, you know, just in a Hollister skirt, double pop collar, puka shell necklace just absolutely choking me out at the throat. And I'd have like one braid coming down the front and I'd be wearing a pair of Birkenstocks and a little bit of belly would be showing. But I was thin and I didn't Appreciate it when I had it, a little bit of belly. And we would be looking for other Hollister Abercrombie baddies. And you knew when you were. When you were like 17 and you were talking to maybe a freshman or sophomore in college. Cause they'd had the Patagonia or the North Face on. We didn't get that till we went to college, right? You were still in the Abercrombie, the Hollister. And when you saw a daddy in the audience, because he basically was a daddy. Because when you're 17, you shouldn't be trying to hook up with 20 year olds. But whatever, it is what it is. You know what I'm saying? And you were like, oh, my God, are the. Did those guys go to Georgia? Oh, my God, stop. And then they're like, hey, you have braces. Please walk away. My girlfriend's getting his beers. And you're like, okay, sorry, gotta go. But man, OAR is coming back. So I called everybody. I'm on the phone the other day being like, we're getting tickets, we're going to the show. Everybody, let's get our most crisp double pop collar. Let's get a pull out the Hacky Sack. And here's the thing. When you go to private school, specifically, I'd say on the east coast, we all were into jam bands. Widespread Panic, String Cheese Incident, Mo, Grateful Dead, all of that. We all went to the shows, but we were still dressed very preppy. Because everybody knows if you go to like a. And I wouldn't say OAR is a jam band, but kind of adjacent, you either knew there were like the real hippies that hadn't bathed, that were. That were playing Hacky Sack in the corner. And then there were the preppy rich kids who went to private school in their North Face. Patagonia, Hollister, Abercrombie and Fitch, all in the same Birkenstocks, drinking a $14 IPA even back in 2005. So. But it was fun to co. Mingle and be like, wow, wow, we're here, we're in the elements. I'm downtown Atlanta with people, you know, that was fun. So I'm feeling a little nostalgic this year, and I think seeing where our future's going, which seems so terrifying, it feels comforting and safe and good to go back to a moment back in time. But, man, I couldn't be more thrilled for the summer concert series. And I'll tell you right now, if the Spice Girls actually do end up at the Sphere, I will be doing a residency in Vegas. I don't care if I need to learn magic. And that's the only way the wind will, or the Palazzo or Vinnie's or anywhere will give me a reason to be there every day. I'll do noon magic tricks and jokes just so I can live in Vegas the entire time during a Spice Girls residency at the Sphere. I'll need my own residency to write it off for tax purposes. And then I will be at the show every night. And that's a rumor that's going on, going around, And I don't know if that's true, but if it is true, the Spice Girls are me. Like that. They are me. I am them. They were one. We are all together. And if Posh doesn't want to do it, I will wire my jaw shut, triple my GLP1s, and get into a slinky black dress and pop in. Because she and I actually sing at the same register, right? We're like, She would always sing down there. I don't know how much, how many lyrics I can sing without getting in trouble with the youtubes over here. Posh would always say, build to last. You remember that one? Built to Last. And you know what was built to last? The Spice Girls until they all decided to quit. But, man, we really need them to come back. Talk about what women in this country need to feel empowered, to feel like our rights aren't getting taken away, to feel like we are fighting the patriarchy. We need the Spice Girls to come back. And while I love to hoot and holler at the Backstreet Boys at the Sphere, I need my Spice Girls together. We need what? Girl power. We sure do. What the fuck am I talking about? I'm just kind of beboping around. I got excited. I have to. I have to choose positivity this week. So that's what we're going to do. But, yeah, we are. We're finding. We're finding the joy in the simple things, too, right? We're finding the Joy in a Q1 comeback is maybe what we should call it. You know, I told you last week, I don't do well. Eating ground turkey at home alone with my thoughts, having to do wellness, because it's just a little too much time to sit and stare out at the bush and go, what's next? And that's a scary feeling, but that's okay. That's okay, Heather. Q1 is time for quiet fun. And that is what it's all about. But if we do need to get. Order yourself one of those big ass Calendars, or get an old school journal where you can write down things to look forward to. And even if it's six months out, eight months out, a year out, we're planning, we're going to put positive things on the calendar so we can get excited because the Bears lost last night. And if you're wondering, Heather, what is your connection to the Bears? I just think the quarterback's cute and I think they're America's team. I wanted a Bills and Bears Super Bowl. And while I'm happy, you know, the Ram. I don't know, I. Great. I just. I really want the underdog to win. That's how I feel. I think there's so much. There's the feeling of being defeated. And I was, you know, I thought Ole Miss was gonna be America's team. And then we got fucking Carson Beck, this fucking scammer from Miami, who in a press conference yesterday, they're like, so, did you go to class this week? And he's like, I haven't been to class in two years. Cause I graduated from Miami two years ago. Or maybe you graduated from Georgia. I don't know. I don't understand college football, but I just wanted the underdog to win this year. I feel like we need that, right? I want the Bears to win. I wanted the Bills. I just. When did I become the sports enthusiast? I just want the underdog to win. That's what I want to see. So I don't. I don't. We just. I want the underdog to win. And they're not winning right now. But you know who's gonna win, y'. All. Cause we're about to get into voicemails. And we can cut that last part out. Cause I don't know what I was talking about. But either way, the hotline is just such a joyful part of my week. And I hope it's a way for you to call in and relieve your stress and maybe the scary thoughts that you're feeling as you're driving to work in the morning, I love to hear what you get into. And that's. It's so important that you guys just share with me from the heart. And remember, when you're calling into the voicemail, which is 800-213-7503, you must make sure you turn the air conditioning or the heater off in your car. The windows are rolled up. Turn down the radio just so I can hear clearly hear you as you're crying through the phone about what happened. I need to be able to hear you clearly. And remember, in the words of Pitbull, took my life from negative to positive. Okay? Never forget that. Let's get to the voicemails right now.

C (35:57)

Hi, Heather, longtime listener, first time caller. Wanted to get your opinion on age gap relationships. My boyfriend is 45, I'm 27, we've been dating for six months, and I've received a lot of pushback. Just wanted to get your thoughts. Tiramisu, bitch, Tiramisu.

A (36:23)

Sweet, gentle, young caller of all of 27 years. I will say your voice sounds very mature. You do not sound 27. And do we really know what 27 sounds like? We don't, but you sound like a gal who's seen the world. I hear a deep vibrato in your voice. It just is like it's a little shaky in the best way. I feel like I have so many follow up questions, but I'm just gonna go with the facts that I have right now. Now he's 45, you're 27, and you're getting a little. Getting a little canned heat from Jamiroquai right now, AKA all of your friends about the age difference. Well, let's go to actual scientific logistics. He's 45, you're 27. Do you want to have kids? Do you want to have kids tomorrow? Does he want to have children? You've got plenty of time. And technically, honestly, he probably has plenty of time because look, David Letterman had kids late. Hugh Hefner probably has like 75 kids he's didn't know about. Who else? A lot of people have had kids late in life. It's easier for the men than the women. I mean, I'm pushing 39 and I know the clock's ticking, but let's really, logistically think about this. I think I can. I. I feel your energy from this voicemail. It was clear you didn't have the windows rolled down. The air AC isn't blowing in your face, so you're already mature. If you're getting dicked down, going on fabulous vacations and he treats you like a queen, I say, lean in, live, laugh, love, honey, and get AARP magazine out of his mailbox and say, honey, we're going to Barbados. Like, who gives a fuck? My mom was 11 years older than my late father. My dad always liked older women and some, you know, listen, you love who you love. Now if he's got a second, third, fourth family and there's some baggage there, maybe we gotta pump the brakes. But if he's just treating you like a Queen, then who gives a fuck? And there's nothing better because when you date a guy who's in his 40s, he knows how to dick you down. There's no jackrabbit sex. Men in their 20s, oh my God, you remember how horrible sex in your 20s were. It was just like, you know, they had their hands behind their head, it's three pumps, it's quick. And then the next thing you know they're playing Halo and you're like, get me out of here. Like, it was terrible. A 45 year old sex is fun. Now, you do have to make sure he's probably on any heart medication, any sort of blood thinner that he might need to be on. You definitely want make sure that he has taken his pills that morning and his magnesium. In your 40s, late 30s to 40s, man, the dehydration scale can just. One minute you're good and then the next minute you're down with a leg cramp and, and your eyes are a little blurry, so you definitely want to make sure that he's staying hydrated while you're doing so many physical activities together. But I think only, you know, the relationship, I say go for an older man, right? They know what they want, they're secure in themselves. That's why a lot of younger guys like older women. They too have figured it out. When you're in your 40s, you don't give a shit. You're like, what do I want? I'm going for it. Oh, I, I need someone's opinion. Because I don't. Because I don't. And they always say that when you, especially when you hit in your 40s, like you actually don't give a fuck, you really don't care. And I'm still on the. I care a little bit, but I'm edge in the 40s and it is wild. As you get older, you wake up and you're like, oh, I give a fuck about your opinion, sir. Bye, bye. It's something deep inside of you that's just like, fuck off, Carl. Fuck off. You gotta think about the logistics. If you have an honest conversation. Hey, do you want to get married? Do you want to have kids? What do you want? If he's in a rush to do things, then, you know, you're in your prime years. I always say get married as late in life as you can because, honey, you're 27, your metabolism still works, you're finding yourself. But also if you're having a good time, fucking have a good time. And if it's just casual and you're having fun and he can afford to take you on nice vacations. Have him take your ass to Tokyo and buy you a Chanel. Period, Period, who cares? Get the gifts, bitch. You're like, this is casual. You've only been in it six months. Get the gifts. If I could tell you anything, go on the trips, get the gifts. You hear me? And then in a year if you're like, eh, it didn't happen. You're not, he's not wasting your time because you're 27. The world is your oyster, honey. But if you're wasting his time, and that's how we change the game, right? Here's the underdog of it, dude. You're wasting his time and that is powerful. But you're not, because if you guys are going to Costa Rica, staying at a nice hotel and you're both having fun and you're getting gifts and sky miles and status on Delta, it's a win, win. And tell your girlfriends to quit dating guys in their 20s. And let's go a little bit older, but definitely maybe get just a check the blood pressure, make him wear compression socks on those long haul flights because that is something you don't want to get there. And then there'd be a situation. You just want to make sure that he is, you know, he can make it to Tokyo and when he get, when he makes it there, you're getting gifts. Gifts. All right, that's what you're doing. You're getting gifts. Flip the script, babe. Flip the script and enjoy yourself. Also, to tomorrow is not promised. So hit that 45 year old dong and get them gifts. You're welcome. God, such good, sound advice on this podcast. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And whether you're just starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand and get paid all in one place. I will always work with Squarespace because they are so phenomenal. I'm telling you right now. A lot of you gals meet me after the show and you say, heather, I want to start this business. Heather, how do I grow my business? What do I do? Give me a little kick for that entrepreneurial spirit and I'm going to tell you what to do. Start simple. Go to squarespace.com, build a beautiful website. Okay? And this is the cool thing about it they have incredible services, they have cutting edge AI technology for design, which is unbelievable. Half of that stuff, when you're trying to like sit down and do the admin of starting a business, you're like, oh my God, how do I also make this look beautiful? 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We're all doing a lot of things to try and get our health in check. And for me, I got back on the GLP once. Now I have learned this wild thing being on these drugs. If you get off of them, the weight's gonna creep back up. Well, this is why I love fasting. And specifically Prolon's five day fasting mimicking diet gives you a drug free way to lose fat focused weight and your muscle and rejuvenate your cells. Helping you head into a 2026 and just lead your new year with great results. I've done Prolon a couple times and honestly it's easy. It's a no brainer it and makes you feel fantastic. I mean hell, fasting is a biblical thing y'. All. If you write about it, you know it. And what I love about Prolon is it's a plant based nutrition program featuring soups, snacks and beverages designed to nourish the body while keeping it in a fasted state, activating cellular rejuvenation and renewal. And this is one of the reasons why I love it. It's backed by science, more than two decades of research. Developed with USC's Longevity Institute and backed by top US medical centers, Prolon has been shown to support fat focused weight loss, biological age reduction, metabolic health, skin appearance and more. I'm telling if you do it, you will Feel fantastic. And for a limited time, Prolon is offering my absolutely not listeners 15 off site wide plus a 40 bonus gift. When you subscribe to their 5 day program, just visit prolonlife.com Absolutely. I'm going to spell it out for you. P R O l o n life.com Absolutely. To claim your 15 discount and your bonus gift. Prolonglife.com Absolutely. It's hard to break old habits and sometimes you want that soda. But you know what I love? I love reclaiming soda. I love being able to open my little fancy beverage fridge and I reach for a poppy because they are delicious. No more denying yourself the flavors you love or just sipping plain, sparkling, bubbly water all day with like, you know, you're having a nice meal and you're like, I want something flavorful with this. You deserve that mouth water swirl of flavors and bubbles without the baggage. Skip all the bullshit, right? The heavy sugar and all the other stuff that makes you feel crappy after drinking a soda. And sip the future of soda with 5 grams of sugar. Ingredients you can love. And prebiotics. And remember, cravings aren't a crime, people. Dude, Poppy is delicious, okay? They have an orange cream flavor that will set your tits ablaze. Their new Shirley Temple flavor is unbelievable. They have a document pop that is to die for. My beverage fridge is filled with poppies. And also, I'm speaking from personal experience. I have a Poppy. I just feel like with the prebiotics and the low sugar, I feel like I am digesting well. I'm enjoying something. I'm having something flavorful in my mouth and it's not making me feel like I'm getting that crash later. I love Poppy. I've worked with them forever because I genuinely drink it every day. And there's a new star on the soda scene and you already know her name. Poppy is reintroducing Shirley Temple with a whole new look. It's the famous soda flavor you know and love, but with 5 grams of sugar and ingredients you can love. And prebiotics. Dude, if you don't know Shirley Temple, she was a queen. She was a diva. She was an icon. And she is the most delicious drink on the planet. I grew up drinking them at my country club and now I can have one at my country club because I bring my Shirley Temple poppy in my purse and I say, garcon, give me some fresh ice and let me pop one of these bad boys open. You can find Poppy at your nearest retailer or get it delivered straight to your door on Amazon on Poppy so does back, but so much better. Let's get to the next voicemail.

C (47:15)

Hi, Heather, my name is Caroline. I'm calling from Pennsylvania. It's 14 degrees where I am right now. I took a whole unisom last night and I want to kill my husband and child this morning. But anyway, I was just listening to the episode from last week where you said you're going to St. Barts. I don't know if you know this, but there is an outbreak of chlamydia going around St. Bart. So just wrap it up, have fun. Kara Masubich this is.

A (47:46)

This is what happens. I love Bethany Frankel. I think she's fantastic. But she's got us all in an absolute tizzy. A scare for this facial chlamydia. So she was down there with all the billionaires for New Year's Eve and I'm. I'm not. Guys, I don't know how to tell you this. I'm not going with billionaires. I'm going with a couple fun people, people who got a hookup at a nice hotel. And I want to have some fun in the sun. So I'm not going with the billionaires. So let's Google this. Bethany put up a video the other day saying that she came back from Saint Barts with essentially face facial chlamydia. And whatever plagued Frankel, however, was clearing up thanks to strong, strong antibiotics. She denounced how disgusting her hotel's bathroom towels and sheets were. All of it. They hold bacteria. She said it's vile. So she got some sort of painful looking pussy bumps all over her face that the people are saying is facial chlamydia. Guys, I don't have time for facial chlamydia. I didn't have time for regular chlamydia after college. I don't have time for it. So what, what are the medical professionals saying? Okay, it says the Tiktoker who claimed to work on yachts insisted a doctor confirmed that there was a highly contagious outbreak of a rare form of facial chlamydia on St. Barts. The Tiktoker. Tiktoker had witnessed a lot of people partying on the yacht they worked on with facial issues. Redness, pimple bumps, pustules. Those who came on the boat without it have left with it. Okay, well, here's the good thing. I'm not going on a boat. That sounds like. What is it? Legion's disease? You know, this isn't Pirates of the Caribbean. This is. I'm trying to get a free trip, stay somewhere Nice. And have a mi tie on a. On a Saturday and just feel some. Feel some canned heat on my cheeks. You know what I'm saying? I'm reading this article. Oh, okay. Town and country claims. It claims that they a chlamydia outbreak were totally false. We haven't seen any cases of chlamydia in St. Barts for months. Wait. Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. For months. It says stay safe and keep using condoms. But I don't understand. This is on someone's face. Oh, I'm not. Okay, you can't get chlamydia on the face. This is fake. Okay, Fake news. Here you go. You can't get. Get facial chlamydia. Could you get a weird rash? Yes. Is it facial chlamydia? It is not. You know, this is the last thing I need is somebody as rich as Bethenny Frankel trying to. I'm getting a free vacation and she's over here saying she's gonna fucking face chlamydia. And now it's pumping the brakes and making me question my journey to get a free vacation. Fine. I'll pack my own beach towel. I'll be that bitch at the five star resort with my own beach towel. I'm happy to do so. I am happy to provide my own towel so I don't get chlamydia on the face, which is apparently not a real thing. I mean, as somebody who is already fighting for their life with eczema, and my eczema is really bad right now on my face and on my hands, which I gotta. I gotta up my Opsalura prescription. But I've got that, that heaviness around the eyes where no matter what makeup I put on it, it just looks crepey. That's where I'm at. So I. You know, they say God's not gonna give you more than you can handle. I do think that's a lie because towards the end of last year, I had a lot in my basket. But he surely, surely, knock on wood. I wouldn't have facial eczema and facial chlamydia. Surely not. Surely not. Flash forward to next weekend. I'm going to be in a hospital and save Bart's. Also, I don't even know what I've gotten myself into. I was just looking. I had to burn my global upgrades by the end of the year and. Or by the end of the month. And I'm like, let's go. We got invited. It's going to be fun. I need fun in the sun with some friends holding hands. But we are not on a yacht. So everybody pump the brakes. This isn't a Jeff Bezos fucking New Year's Eve. I'm going to be having to carry my own beach towel so I don't get chlamydia. I mean, my God, we have no food, we have no jobs, our pets, heads are falling off. And now we have what? Facial chlamydia. Oh, yeah, yeah. I mean, I don't know what to say. It says, here's a quote. If there was an epidemic, a lot of people would be coming to the pharmacy for treatment. But nobody is coming coming. So there you go. You heard it here first. The yachts are not having the tender boat go to shore so that they can go to the pharmacy and get some creams for their facial chlamydias. And honestly, at this point, facial chlamydia is the least of our problems. It's the, it's like, like if, if you were to get splashed in the face with facial chlamydia tomorrow, you're like, eh, okay, add it to the list, bitch. Truly add it to the list. Oh my God. Bethany, quit scaring everybody. I don't know what to tell you. Thank you for reminding me and thank you for pinging this so I can do my own research. And I do trust Bethany. I do love her and I think she's really on top of trends and knows what's going on and has great advice. But if I got to bring my own beach towel so I don't get facial chlamydia, it is what it is. I'll just take a couple of those Alice mushrooms and rub it all over my cheeks and we're good to go. Oh God. You see, you can't even. You can't even. You know, it's like in the summer here, they're like weird algae, a red algae growing on in the water in San Destin. Everyone's gonna get a flesh eating bacteria. You can't even go on vacation anymore. You can't even go on vacation without absolutely fearing the worst. We got to have something to look forward to. And I've been looking forward to this. Let me live. Let's go to the next voicemail.

C (53:43)

Hi Heather, this is one of your listeners from Texas. I am. I have an Absolutely not for you. I am sitting here, it's a Friday night, and I have an Absolutely not because I've been waiting for just about two hours for my friend to meet with me for dinner. And my absolutely not is every single Time we go out to dinner or just to hang out. She's always chronically late, and I love her to death, but it's always at least an hour and a half to two hours behind schedule, and it just really is starting to annoy me, and I really don't know what to do about it. But I love her to death, and it's just very frustrating. But anyways, absolutely not to being chronically late for a friend get together, just be on time, leave early. Or maybe I just need to start planning for her to be two hours late to everything and plan accordingly. But anyways, we love you so much. And Tiramisu.

A (55:00)

Tiramisu, love you so much. Obviously, it's very quiet because you're sitting at your house just waiting for her to pick you up. All right, 15 minutes, 20 minutes late. You always have that friend who comes in a little flustered, and it's probably, I'm the friend. But two hours late? What is she doing? Mowing the lawn after work? She walking to the Olive Garden? What is this woman doing now? I don't know. Is she coming late from the office, has to turn around, feed the kids? No, to me, this is a single woman who's just. Is she lost? Do we need to get her a watch? Who's two hours late? You know, you'd always see the drama behind the scenes of the housewives, where they're like, dorinda is always two hours late. No. Was it Dorinda? Yeah, there was, like, dorinda's two hours late. There's always the fight of who was late, who was in glam too long, who's doing hair and makeup. If I'm meeting you for happy hour, I'm whipping it up and in a top knot bun, putting on my Gucci loafers, and I'm gonna meet you for some jalapeno poppers and a chardonnay. I don't understand what we're doing here. This isn't a fashion show. I'm meeting you to eat and to gossip and to bitch and complain about friends and family. That's what we do. That's what happens when girls get together. I mean, keep a couple Velcro rollers in the side dash of your car if you feel like you need some extra volume. But if she isn't showing up, up with the glam squad powdering behind her. What is she doing? No, you need to say something to your friend. You need to say, hey, I'm starving. Phrase it like that. Be like, I am so hungry. I. I'm going to just start eating dinner. Who is two hours late to a dinner or to an activity? You know what? You can't be two hours late to a movie date because then the movie's over. You said, you know, they're. They're 15 minutes, 20 minutes late. I mean, sometimes that is truly actually being late. Procrastinating can be in someone's DNA. But that's insane. I mean, how did. How does this person hold down a job? How are they getting through life? I think you also do need to. You need to do an experiment. You need to tell them, hey, dinner's at six. You already know the reservations for eight, and you need to show up at eight or fuck around and find out. Show up at, say, the. The dinner reservations for seven. You know, they're not going to get there till nine. And you walk in at 10pm and they're like, where are you? And you're like, this is what it's like to eat with you every fucking weekend. Turn the tables. Teach them a lesson. Because you know she's always coming in flustered, running around like, oh, my God. And then you just don't show up for an hour. You gotta teach her a lesson. You gotta say, I love you, but I wanted you to sit uncomfortably at the bar for an hour and a half, two hours, and now know what I go through. And your caloric intake must be astronomical because you're starving. So you start ordering apps. But then you don't really wanna. You wanna make sure that, you know, she gets food when she gets there. So she starts ordering apps, and you're still ordering and eating her apps. And you already just had apps, and now you're getting entrees. Like, this is not good for your. Your gut microbiome because you can't split things with people who are not there. So what you're gonna do is turn the tables on her, change it up. You're gonna be two hours late and see what fucking happens. Good luck to you. Michelle, guess what? You're gonna be sitting out in the cold, waiting, waiting, bitch. Cause you need to understand. This is rude. So fucking rude. I mean, I really don't understand the hour and a half, two hours. What are we doing? What are we doing, though? Where are you? I would text her, where you been, Beach? Where are you? Unless you are actively in a laboratory with your hands and gloves inside some sort of glass case in a hazmat suit, putting protons and neutrons and DNA and samples together to cure cancer, there is no excuse to be 2 hours late all of the time if you work for the cdc. Forget I ever said anything. Thank you. But if you don't, go fuck yourself. I mean, this bitch is so late. She's. She's coming in, you're trying to meet her for the early happy hour, and then you're getting. You're ending up still being able to enjoy the happy hour, but it's like the 11pm Happy hour because, you know, bar. Bars always have a bookend, $5. Well, drinks from 5 to 6 and then from like 11 to midnight. So maybe she's confused because she's still technically getting the happy hour prices, but it's because she's seven and a half hours late. Very, very concerned, very concerned about this. And you need to let her know it's up. Let's get to the next voicemail.

C (60:02)

Hey, Heather, I'm calling from Oxford, Ohio. I'm gonna stay anonymous just to keep the theme of my message going, but I have an absolutely not. I don't know if you've heard of this app called Yik Yak, but it's basically like Twitter, but it's all anonymous, so people can post pictures, videos, first and last names, and stay anonymous. So, you know, I go out with my friends, next morning, wake up, and I just have this cloud of doom over my head, jumping on Yik Yak and making sure I wasn't publicly doxxed. So I just want to hear your take on this. If you think this is good, if you think you would have participated in college, in the public doxing of people. Anyways, I hope you're having a great time in Paris and a great holiday season. Love you, girl.

A (60:57)

Love you. All right, so Yik Yak sounds very similar to this app, this forum that we had. Cause we didn't have apps back in college called Juicy Campus. And Juicy Campus, let me tell you right now, was some bullshit. Juicy Campus was a place where people could post anonymously about things that happened on campus. You know, a Kappa showed her tits at the bar, posted. I believe anytime you want to spill someone's shit, you should never be able to do it anonymously. So. I hate Reddit, bitch. Say it to my face. You want to Yik Yak? Say it to my face. Let me know who's saying it, because that's some bullshit. I hate to sound like a. Like an elder, but, man, I am so grateful that we only had Facebook when I was in college. Could not imagine the Snapchats that this, that, that, the bullshit, the pressure of being chronically online while also trying to barely pass my tap 3 class. Right? I mean, let me look up. What is this? Yik Yak? I'm guessing you're in college. What is Yik? Y. Oh, Yik Yak is a location based anonymous social media app where users post short messages called yaks, visible to others within a small geographical radius like a college campus, functioning as a local virtual bulletin board for real time anonymous community chatter, jokes and discussions. And though it's known for both fun and controversy due to its anonymity, it's gained prominence on university campuses for its hyper local focus, allowing users to see and interact with posts from people nearby without revealing their identities. Though the platform has surfaced scrutiny, has faced scrutiny over safety and offensive content. Yeah, so anything that starts off as like the nextdoor app, like, hey, wanna let y' all know there's a little bit of black ice on the stairs outside the library, so everybody be careful coming out of study hall. While it probably intended to start off pure, you know what it ends up being? Evil. And I always say, say it to my face, bitch. You want to tink, tink, tink around on the keyboards, say it to my face. I'm sure I've discussed this before, but even being online as a creator and you could post something on TikTok as easy as, hey, y', all, I love this new minestrone soup. It's so good. Let me give you the recipe and somebody will comment. I can't have soup. I don't like. Liquid beans make me farty tomatoes give me a headache. You're like, don't comment. Don't watch my video on the soup I like to make. I enjoyed this restaurant. And they're like, I didn't like the restaurant. I had to wait 10 minutes. Shut up. I'm telling you that I liked what I liked. Either you're going to enjoy the post, you're going to like it, we're all going to be on the same page or go on with your day. People are far too literal these days, but this Yik Yak, I, I, I rebuke it in the name of Jesus. I do not like it because I remember Juicy Campus. Juicy Campus. It was Juicy. Things were happening on campus and it actively really fucked some of my friends up. Now, were some of the things that people said on Juicy Campus accurate? They sure were. They absolutely were. But if I can tell you one thing, if you just don't check the yap, you're not yicking. You know what I'm Saying it is, you can choose to remove yourself. People, people are going to say things about you all the time. And honestly, when people are talking, that means you're walking, you're doing the thing, you're out and about. But the fact that people post anonymously, I mean, just fucking losers. I'd respond, oh, got your location. Say to my face, meet me in the quad, bitch. But I see, okay, hold on. It says key features are. You get Yakarma. Yakarma users earn points. Yakarma for positive engagement. Oh, okay. So now it's a point based system, which is fucking weird. You have upvoting and downvoting. Users can vote, post up or down posts with too many downvotes disappear. Okay, okay, hold on. There's a little control here. So if you get your entire sorority to down vote the fact that people said you were showing your tits at the bar, it may go away. All right, that's good. We didn't have that on Juicy Campus. Somebody posted something about one of my friends on Juicy Campus in college. And I just remember attorneys, Attorneys were called. Attorneys were called. And they were like, yeah, this is the Internet in 2005, there's nothing we can do. I tell all the young kids, they all want to take photos with the Snapchat. Snapchat. They don't. When you post things on the Internet, it's there. It doesn't just go away. Please, for the love of God, do not send photos of your vagina to college boys. They are immature. They will show their friends, don't do it. Don't do it. My best piece of advice to anybody young in college is throw your phone in the river, use a payphone, don't do it. It's terrible. But no, I don't like this yik yak. I mean, you know, I like to yap, but I'm not yik yakking. It just becomes mean. And honestly, I, I feel this deep in my bones. Folks that like to comment about other folks online in a real negative way or go out of their way. Like, I could never imagine going on somebody's profile who's living their life, posting their art, doing their thing, and being like, you're fat, you're a fucking loser. Unless they're like a horrible person. I, I don't even think I. That if they're a horrible, I'm so fucking over it. Somebody who takes their time out of their day to deeply engage or start some bullshit. They've got to get a fucking hobby, go to St. Barts and get Facial chlamydia. Do something. But no, for your own mental health, don't yak, yak. Just don't yak, don't yak. Don't do it. Because we had the juicy campus and I remember that tore some people. I think at the time I was a little too chubby for anybody to really try and juicy me, you know, but no good, no bueno. And if you actually have to do like a digital detox and just get offline for a little bit so you can put one foot in front of the other in the current climate we're living in and just know you're going online to purchase your pitbull concert tickets for the summer. And then you're like, I need a couple weeks off. I get it. I'm not gonna be offended. You do you? I have to be chronically online for my job and there are days where I'm like, I don't, I don't want to see that. And the words of Valerie Cherish, I don't want to see that. But I don't like this. Yik yak. No, we're not doing it. Get off. Go for a walk. Start crocheting. Do something with your hands and stay off the yaks. I don't know if you know about a yak animal. What are they good for? What do yaks do? Okay, it's a type of ox. It's a species of long haired domesticated cattle found throughout the Himalayan region, Tibetan plateau, Tajikistan, Mongolia and Siberia. No, no, I don't need it. I'm good. Oh, and hey, guess what it says. Can yaks be aggressive? They can become very aggressive. And that's what's gonna happen if you get up every day and your heart's pounding and you're giving yourself anxiety to see if you're on the yak. No, it's time to take extracurriculars, graduate college and just, just, just bounce. Just bounce. It's too much. God, I'm sweating in this teddy bear half zip. Just stressed. If I had to go back to college right now, would I? No, I couldn't. I mean, I had truly the best four years of my life. But I really feel for our younger listeners who are in the thick of it and they have all. I mean, I guess we had juicy campus. It was up then. You know what it just go live your life. Because people are insane. And people who take the time out of their day to post about you having a good time when you're hurting no one and staying in your lane just wish they were a part of the group. There, I said it. And Jackie Schimmel will fight me on this. She'll like Heather. That's not true. People don't feel that way. But Jackie, you know, people want to hang out with us, so shut up. Anywho, I love you guys. We have a lot of exciting things to get excited about this summer. How many times can I say excited? I am also gonna be on the road. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com we are gonna wrap up this Bamboozled tour. Honestly, we should have shot the special in November when I wanted to because now I have two specials to shoot. I don't know, maybe we just shoot a three hour show when we announce it, but I'm like, now I have a whole new show. Things have happened in the last two months. What are we doing here? But I'm so excited to be on the road. Get your tickets@heatherontour.com we'll be hitting Texas and that's all I can remember off the top of my head. But it's going to be a ton of fun and we will be announcing where we're shooting the special next and we're going to be willing and dealing. So I will see you in the meantime between time on the road and I'll see you on the next episode. Ciao bella. A River D. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review and as always, follow Follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.