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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. I hope that you got a red envelope of cash from an elder to spend however the hell you want to. Happy Chinese New Year. Richly blessed, highly favored. And I hope, I hope that the tradition still is ringing true in your life if you've never spent a Chinese New Year. I've been in Asia during Chinese New Year, and it is really, really fricking fun. But apparently, I believe the tradition is if you are unmarried, you get an envelope of cash from your elder family members, and it's a significant amount of cash, and they have to be crisp bills. So my husband had a friend who is Chinese and still unmarried, and he basically just racks it up. I mean, he makes rent for the next three years by having all of his relatives be like, you didn't get wifed up? Here's some cash. So now I'm. I'm sure I'm butchering a lot of the tradition there, but either way, if you are single, this might be the time to send your parents just a little, I don't know, YouTube clip and say, where is my red envelope of cash? Okay, I have given you no grandchildren and no stability for a future, but I deserve cash. And I think that that's fantastic. You know, what a fucking idiot the rest of us are for getting married. What? Why? Why? I'll annul that shit. Just if Robin wants to give me an envelope full of cash, that's where we're at these days. But for those of you who were participating in just kind of dabbling in the Eastern arts of self care, you know, there was a big trend on TikTok saying, you know, are you taking care of yourself the way that our Asian brothers and sisters are? And that means, like, keeping your chi up, doing things for warmth. I'm doing my lemon water in the morning and I'm doing my bone broth. And I'll be honest with you, the bone broth is making me feel zippy. Got a lot of collagen in it. Just keeping things warm in the morning is helping me feel lighter during the day. So whatever y' all have been up to, it is working and I'm fully on board. Speaking of Asia, I'm going to Japan in a couple weeks. I plan nothing. I booked my flights, like, three months ago and just said, like, okay, if I can make it, if work allows me, then we're going to make it happen. And now I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm going during the busiest season. We'll miss the cherry blossoms by four days. And Jeff and I cannot get a reservation anywhere. Am I panicked? Yes. Is this a first world problem? Yes. Will I absolutely exploit any sort of fame that I have in order to get into a Michelin restaurant? I will. And they will be like, ma', am. Hey, Godzilla, you and your husband are so large, we don't want you here. There's not enough udon in this fucking country for you to consume. Like, we are actually going to be domestic terrorists rolling through being like, where's the tuna? Last night, I had to do a sleep study. I'm laying in bed. My boy Rodney from the Sleep Institute came over around five, showed me how to hook up this whole little rigamarole machine. I've got, like, a monitor on my finger. I've got a little candela in the nose so it can monitor my breathing. There's a whole backstory. I'll get there. But last night, I am laying in my bed looking like Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember. And I'm laying there just with this. With this monitor on my chest. And it's going to just monitor my breathing and my sleeping all night to see if I have sleep apnea or insomnia or just a multitude of issues that I have. And I'm laying in bed like the true fat ass that I am. And I'm watching this guy at one of the Tokyo fish markets dip giant pieces of king crab in, like, this umami butter. And he's, like, sucking on it. It's not even mukbang or asmr. I'm just. And I just look over, okay, to Jeff, who has been watching me salivate with essentially this wire in my nose. So I look like I'm dying. And I look over at him, I go, oh, Jeff, crab. He's like, hey, can you not? He's like, heather, this is. You're a monster. And I'm laying in bed with my little sleep pack on and my little oxygen tank around the nose going, I want some crab in Japan. He's like, they. They're going to feel us coming off the plane. They're going to go, is that Godzilla? No, it's Heather and Jeff, two fat Americans ready to go to the fish Market and full blown mercury poisoning for the amount of fish and nori and fun little bits and treats we're gonna have. And I started laughing so hard because I looked at myself in the reflection of my Instagram and I just said, wow, I. This is rock bottom. But it's also, I'm moving on up because I'm taking the proper, necessary steps to fix the sleeping issues. And I was seeking help for it and I'm being proactive in my help, so fuck off. J. But he's sitting three feet away from me with his feet on the bed, sitting in his reading chair in our room. And he just keeps getting notifications. Ping, ping, ping. It's like crab, tuna, fluffy Japanese pancakes, this, that, this udon, you know, ramen, just everything. And he must have had 80 notifications from me in a matter of 60 seconds while I'm laying there, truly looking like I am on my last breath. I mean, I was crying, laughing at how insane I looked in the name of trying to figure out why I have such issues with sleep and the reason I have it. Well, okay, back up. The reason we did this is I went for my eighth month checkup. I don't know if it's eight months. Sure. To Dr. Rob who did my neck. And he's great. And he walks in, he goes, neck looks great, but you look like shit in more ways than one. I was like, I don't feel great. He's like, we need to do a sleep study. Let's get you figured out. And I said, thank you so much, doctor. So he's going to get the results in 48 hours and call me and figure out if I have sleep apnea. Now here's the thing under the definition of sleep apnea. And we talked about this a couple months ago, I went and had a original consultation with a sleep center. And they were like, you are not a good candidate for this. We don't think you have it. And I never heard back. But physically looking at me in the morning, you're like, this bitch may be choking herself out in the middle of the night. So if I end up having sleep apnea, I want you. I'm. I'm looking directly into the camera. I need you to know that this will truly be the final nail in the coffin of the cruel joke that is me turning into my father. My dad had to do a sleep study after he ran his. Sorry, these are like insular jokes. He ran his Lincoln Town Car into the back of somebody else's car. Cause he fell asleep behind the Wheel, you know, stuck in traffic. He's just, like, kind of farting along. And he bumped into somebody, and I was in. Was I in the car? I can't remember. And he came home all pissed. He was like, well, I just kind of fell asleep. I'm exhausted. And his doctor said, kyle, we gotta. We gotta do you a sleep study. And what do you know? As soon as that guy got a fucking CPAP machine, he was like a new man. Now, cancer did eventually kill him, but had my dad gotten a CP earlier and gotten on them GLP1s in the early aughts, this motherfucker would have been doing the downhill ski at the Olympics. I'm telling you right now, the core of who I am and who my father was is we're zesty and zippy, and when we're on, we got energy, and when we're down, it is low. And for those of y' all who are new here and thinking, I have no fucking idea who these people are she's talking about or what is going on, I just need you to know that I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last week, trying to put the building blocks together and my family tree together. And I'm realizing, like, I looked at Jeff this morning as I was taking off the medical tape and the. The oxygen, little tube out of my nose, and I said, if this comes back that I have apnea, just go ahead and hit me with the car. Like. Like, enough. I got the same lump on my lower back that my dad had. Okay? Broad shoulders. We have the same face. I had to get the neck done twice. Like, Kyle, help me out here, bruh. Help me out. Cut me some fucking slack. From the grave. My God. And Jeff. And here I am laying in bed, just sending videos while my husband is less than a foot away from me going, crab. I just kept saying crab. Ooh, juicy crab. I think Jeff, his penis is so far tucked inside of him this week after having to watch me do that sleep test last night and just constantly sending him videos of decadent, rich, delicious Japanese street food, which he also is excited to indulge in. But I think seeing me in a white tank top with medical tape all over my face just going crab was not exactly the boner juice that he needed this week for Valentine's, you know, I don't. Anyways, I keep my fridge stocked with poppy soda. Why? Because it's absolutely delicious. Okay? And if you've cut out soda out of your diet to pursue a healthier life, well, poppy is about to change everything. It has all the soda flavor you know and love, but with 5 grams of sugar, ingredients you can love and prebiotics. So I just want you to know it is absolutely delicious. I love many of the poppy flavors, but right now the Shirley Temple flavor has me in an absolute choke hold. Jeff bought it by truly the caseload. It is so unbelievably delicious. It reminds me of sitting by the pool when I was a kid, bucket full of chicken tenders next to me and I'm drinking a Shirley Temple and just keep adding it to the club bill over and over and over again until somehow I would end up with like $6,000 worth of Shirley Temples and a headache. Okay. And every summer my parents were like, enough with the Shirley Temples. Well, now I can have that nostalgia. I can feel what it's like to be back with my feet in the pool, staring at the hot lifeguards, just living my best life on swim team. But I can have a healthier version of that with my Poppy soda. I love Poppy. It's so freaking delicious. 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Help is always ready before, during and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind. But Speaking of Kyle McMahon's skiing, we gotta talk about something positive because there's a lot of absolute nots that we're getting into. But an absolute yes is. I am so dialed into the Olympics right now, and this is just a general observation of the Olympic Games that I have realized. The Winter Games in particular are absolutely every single one of these athletes highly skilled, highly talented, highly athletic and highly psychotic out of their fucking minds. Like the Summer Games have a little razzle dazzle crazy shit going on, but you're telling me that all of these young people have decided to put on helmets and either throw themselves down a icy water slide a la the skeleton, luge, bobsled, throw themselves up in the air and land on ice, AKA figure skating, or you're doing the fast track where your fingers literally glide across the ice while you've got a Nordic woman in front of you with a blade the size of this yeti water Bottle a centimeter away from your cornea, and you're just hoping that this bitch doesn't kick up her back heel and you go blind. Every single sport other than curling that I have watched, I'm thinking, what on God's green earth makes you get up out of bed and say, you know what? That's the sport. Watching these, these ski jumpers, I saw a young woman representing the United States, I think she may be 18, okay, she gets in this suit, she's going down the track, and, you know, it's this giant hill. So her, like, legs are locked into the track. She looks like Gumby. And when she launches, it's like, light as a feather, stiff as a board, can't move an ounce. She flies 140 miles per hour in the air, then lands, I don't know, 7,000ft below the Earth's surface. Has to land gracefully and then just kind of glide to the finish line. Here's my thing. I'm about 210 right now. If I were to ski jump, if I were to even have the most perfect, flawless landing, I would break every single bone in my body. I don't actually understand how gravity, when the, when these folks land, when the, the ski jumpers, the big air snowboarders, I don't understand how all of their, their kneecaps aren't just shattered. I mean, when you wipe out doing winter sports, it's a wipeout. It is not a. Oh, you know what took a turn weird at the wall? Swimming. Let me get my breaststroke back in place. No, no, no, no. You're in the elements, it's fucking cold, you're going fucking fast, and it is wildly dangerous. The level of absolute no fear that these athletes have is, I mean, slow clap. I am absolutely blown away. I am blown away at the lack of just, just the sheer tenacity that these folks have. But every single sport at the Winter Olympics is either throwing yourself down an icy water slide, throwing yourself across ice, off a fucking mountain, down a cliff, or through a half pipe. Like, there is not a single sport where I go, yeah, you know what? Maybe, maybe this is the one. Everyone is out of their mind. The monobob is definitely something I think I could do. You get a tin can and you're holding it. Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme. Come on, Heather. It's bobsled time and I'm running, and then I gotta hoist my body into this tin can and bounce around like an asshole down an entire icy track. And I don't know if You've seen the levers that they're using to steer these bobsleds. I mean, it's two fishing lures. These bad boys look like if you hit the ice the wrong way, the whole thing's gonna snap. And you've gotta glide yourself and guide yourself so that you don't flip in this ice tunnel. I mean, it's out of control. You wanna talk about the skeleton? Okay, who came up with this idea? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take a boogie board, but I'm gonna make it out of metal, and then I'm just gonna get a running start and then just flop my body onto this metal boogie board and go head first down an ice water slide and pray I don't snap my neck. If every single one of the skeleton luge and bobsledders are not praying the full rosary before they hit the track, then they are out of their minds. They're out of their minds, dude. They're out of their minds. I saw a guy doing, like, the big air ski, ski slope style. This guy goes down the mountain backwards, hits a giant half pipe, launches into the air, does a 190, 870, 465, alley Oop, Dunkaroo. Lands down on the bottom part of the mountain, still backwards. And then he glides into the crowd, sprays them with snow, and is like, fuck, yeah. I'm Cole from Ontario. And you're like, let's go, Canada. Do the snowboarders. And these skiers are very hot. Like, I. I get it. If I was in the Olympic village, I would be like, I'm so sorry. Okay, what are you, a hottie with a snowboard? Yes, please. But either way, these. I hate to categorize an entire genre of athletes as sociopaths, but it is wild watching these Winter Olympics. There is not a single sport where you're not on the verge of death. Every fucking second you're flying through the air, you're flinging yourself down a damn mountain. Oh, don't get me started on the decathlon. Is the biathlon. Decathlon. One of those. I watched a relay, and of course, the Scandinavian countries were 1, 2, 3. It was like. It was Norway, Sweden, Finland, you know, did Norway. To Sweden. To Finland. Because that's just what they do. That's them going to Ikea. They're like, put on these. Put on these skis. And we're just. I watched a woman. I watched a woman from Norway track her ass in skis, flat skis up the mountain. She wasn't going down. She was going up for fun. Then she's got to come around a curb, lay down, shoot three targets, put the gun back on her back, and then just be like, I'm going to get to chows to Ikea's running up the hill. That's why the Scandinavian countries always win in any sort of relay, because this is just them practicing to go on a family outing to do what they do. They're like, we have to get there before everybody else gets to the ikea for the Swedish meatballs. This woman was going uphill sprinting with 10 foot skis on. And Jeff and I look at each other. He goes, I would have barfed 30 seconds up this mountain. I mean, it is out of control what these athletes are willing to do. Very into the quad. God, right now, I know he did not have the skate of his life, but I'm very into all the figure skaters. Just loving all their stories. The women are about to get into their free skate program. So there's a lot happening. And if you really need to unplug from the craziness of the world and what's actually happening on the other side of the matrix, I have found hope and levity in watching all of these incredibly talented athletes just hurl themselves down mountains and half pipes and luges. I do have a question. There is. Let me see what this sport is. I watched this and I did not understand what this was. Two person luge. Okay. This is one. This is one of the sports at the Olympics where I think, I don't know who came up with this, but I have a lot of follow up questions. It's the two man or doubles luge is a winter Olympic event where two athletes lie stacked on a single sled, traveling feet first down an ice track at speeds exceeding 90 miles per hour. This discipline demands intense synchronization with the bottom athlete providing power and control while the top provides steering. Often decided by thousands of a second. Okay. The two man luge has got to be the gayest sport I've ever seen in my life. Okay? Like what? Two gay dudes are like, hey, Terry. Hi, Terry. Come on. I know we're up in the Poconos. Come on, just lay down on dad. Come on, just lay down on my lap. Come on. He's like, Terry's like, darryl, stop. This is dangerous. He's like, come on, just lay down. And we're gonna go down on this. This little sled here. We're gonna have fun. I mean, crying, laughing, the thought of the Conversation between Daryl and Terry just been. Come on, baby, get on here. Come on, we're in the Poconos. Let's live a little. And then they end up coming up with the two man. The double's luge. Have you seen this? There's a man laying on the metal boogie board and another man lays on top of him and they just go feet first down the ice. Are you out of your mind? I don't know how the guy on the bottom can see anything. I also don't think he cares, you know, he's got sweet Terry right where he wants him. Close, close. I love it. I love it. I'm so here for the the double man luge. It's insane. It's unhinged. I really don't know. I mean, I guess it's the G force, how they stay on top of each other or if it's just the G spot, you know what I mean? I don't know. It's one of them. And I'll tell you right now, that is a fun fucking sport to watch. But for any straight guys out there who get asked by their buddy, you know, if Chad calls you like, hey, I want you to try this sport. Here's the deal, dude. You're gonna lay on top of me and we're just gonna ride down the ice together. All good? All good. I do want you to know that if you get a phone call like that, there might be a love connection there that you didn't see coming. So get ready. I mean, I thought it'd be hot if Jeff and I did the two person luge. And if he's on the bottom and has a little bit of a half chub, I can kind of clinch. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm out of my mind today. I could clinch. I'm gonna keep going though. I could clench down and kind of hold onto it for support. Do you know what I'm saying? And this is no disrespect to the people who are doing the two person luge, but I just have a lot of follow up questions. I really, really do. Oh, what do you know? I think the Italians did. The Italians win. Seems. Seems about right. But every single Winter Olympic sport is just death defying. Like, why would you do this? At what point in your childhood trauma were you like, this is it. This is gonna cure everything. And it's fascinating to watch, and I am just so in awe of these athletes. But every single event gets more insane and more insane. And shout out to all the incredible athletes Just doing the damn thing. And will I ever get to the Olympics? I looked at Jeff last night, and I said, I want to get crap, but I also want to train like an Olympic athlete. And he said, well, Heather, we got to figure out if you have sleep apnea or not yet, because guess what? The next Olympics is in a couple years. And we got to know if you need a travel case for your CPAP machine for whatever sport that you decide to do. Could you imagine? I'm in, like, my early 40s, and I'm walking through the Olympic village, just going, hey, guys. Shari, Shari. Who doesn't mind if I bunk with them? Yeah, I got my CPAP machine. Listen, it makes a little. It's like a white noise. It's a little loud. But if I don't wear this scuba tank snorkel gear to provide oxygen for myself every night, I will choke out and die and will not be able to participate in whatever sport I have signed up for here at the Olympics. Oh, my God. I did see something, though, that apparently there were 10,000 condoms passed out in the Olympic village, and they're already out. And I say, you do you. There's nothing better than hot athletes who have trained, who are all so professional, and once they're done with their race, you know, you've got a hot Nordic man who does alpine downhill skiing, and he looks at a. An Austrian snowboarder, and he's like, you want to hop on a swena? Let's go. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of the fabulous love connections. I just think it's really, really fricking great, the Olympics, because we need something to look forward to. We need something to take our minds off the absolute lunacy that is what is happening in the world. We're all about being smart with our money this year. And I'm all really trying to get into investing. And here's the thing. Have you ever stopped yourself from invest before? Because maybe you didn't know enough, didn't have enough time on your hands? Well, I'm telling you what I have found. The Acorns app that has just kind of changed the game. What is Acorns? 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We have Vivian too coming on the podcast, I believe next week, which I'm excited to have that conversation with her, but I'm really trying to get more financially savvy in the new year. But I will say if I was going to you any sort of insider tips and tricks, you know, let the SEC flag this, this might be the time right now to invest in Reynolds or Saran Wrap. And let me find the exact brands of tinfoil. Who are the power players? Tin foil companies? Reynolds. Yeah. So Reynolds is probably they're the maker of Reynolds Wrap, the dominant brand in the US household market. If you really want to make it through the next week here in America or just living on this planet in I would start getting some more tinfoil hats. Cuz the conspiracy theories that are coming true and that are coming to light are so out of control that if you don't have your tinfoil hat, the government, Pam Bondi is going to like, be, be, be, be, be pierce through your brain. And she'll make you think like what you're seeing on the Internet is not real. I mean, it is fucking crazy. It is crazy. And if you are not turning on the news every day, absolutely disgusted, sick to your stomach, like, how can I be the hope and change in this world, but also feeling completely helpless and like you don't know what to do, then I don't know what to tell you because that's how a feel. That is why I've been so dialed into the Olympics. Because I have to have something to live for. I have to have a goal that maybe in three and a half years I too can do the half pipe. It's foolish of me to think that I would ever be that athletic, but I just have to cheer on and root for somebody else. Because what's happening right now, what's unfolding in front of our eyes, is the craziest shit ever. And here's the wild thing. Years ago, I'm talking like 10 years ago, my mom and I used to talk about this all the time. She's like, the global elites, all this shit. But then when Trump got tied in to being like the savior about it, she and I were both like, backpedal, backpedal. Something doesn't feel right about this. And now that all of this is coming to light, truly, it does make you feel crazy. It makes you feel nuts. You're like, wait a minute, all of this stuff I read about like, like 15 years ago, is this true? I mean, I'm not trying to be like, I'm obviously being a silly goose, but you do have these moments where I was driving the other day and somebody was talking about it on another podcast I listened to about the Epstein files. And you're like, just, just drive. Just. I mean, you don't understand what's. What is real, what is not. What is going on is completely overwhelming. So this is the time to get your tinfoil hats out. Because every single day there is something new and something more. Audacious, insane, unreal, unfathomable, disgusting. What the fuck is happening? And then you got Pam Bondi being like, can't even look at the Epstein survivor. She just wants to have a conversation about how the Dow's doing. It's unbelievable. And you know what, Pam? We've already been defending women named PAM. There's about five solid PAMs. But this bitch is ruin it. Ruining it for everybody out of her fucking mind. It just. There is so much to absorb that I. I'm not even gonna fully get into it. Cause there are other folks who are actually doing the research. And then you also have to guard your heart from it a little bit. Like you. You can get dialed in, you can understand, you can make yourself aware. And then you also, some days just have, okay, I gotta go. Also, like, hug a loved one and check in. So if you need to do the mental health check in, take a pause, take a beat. But man, this shit is fucking crazy. Everything's crazy right now. Everything's nuts. And we're just trying to keep our head above water and root on these athletes, cheer on these athletes who are hurling themselves down mountains. And then every three seconds I get a ping, ping, New Apple news notification. Ping, ping, more shit's on fire. And you're like, how am I going to make it through Wednesday? Truly, how am I going to make it through Wednesday? Well, I will tell you how you're going to make it through Wednesday. You're going to buy tickets@heatherantour.com because you need something to look forward to. And that's. I'm coming to a city near you and we're going to be giggling and we will be live in the flesh. And I will have a glitter and animal print and glitter boots on. And we will giggle and we will try and take 90 minutes out of our crazy busy day days to just have a little human connection. Because that is so important right now. Because is so crazy. But anywho, I love each and every one of you and I've been seeing all your DMs and we've all been having like sidebar conversations through tick tock and social media and all this of just like this feels so overwhelming and so suffocating with the amount of horrific news that we're getting every 30 seconds that you got to take a little time to process. Like just take a beat. Take a beat. Go get a. I don't even know what to say. I just, just take a beat. Because it's a lot. It's a lot. And also keep yourself aware and get your tinfoil. Get your tinfoil. Buy that Reynolds stock. That's what's up. Okay. I feel like this is a so because I don't have a guest here. It will be me just talking into the void and I could go for three and a half hours about my real thoughts on all of this. And it almost makes me fearful in a way of like how Nutter Butter I will get with the anger that I feel inside of me. So in order to keep this accommod comedy podcasts and just have a gentle pivot, let's get into the voicemails. As always, you can call in 800-213-7503. I want to hear what you guys have been up to and I love hearing, you know the things that are are affecting you in your life. So let's get into the voicemails right now. First one up.