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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. Happy Chinese New Year. I hope that you got a red envelope of cash from an elder to spend however the hell you want to. Happy Chinese New Year. Richly blessed, highly favored. And I hope, I hope that the tradition still is ringing true in your life if you've never spent a Chinese New Year. I've been in Asia during Chinese New Year, and it is really, really fricking fun. But apparently, I believe the tradition is if you are unmarried, you get an envelope of cash from your elder family members, and it's a significant amount of cash, and they have to be crisp bills. So my husband had a friend who is Chinese and still unmarried, and he basically just racks it up. I mean, he makes rent for the next three years by having all of his relatives be like, you didn't get wifed up? Here's some cash. So now I'm. I'm sure I'm butchering a lot of the tradition there, but either way, if you are single, this might be the time to send your parents just a little, I don't know, YouTube clip and say, where is my red envelope of cash? Okay, I have given you no grandchildren and no stability for a future, but I deserve cash. And I think that that's fantastic. You know, what a fucking idiot the rest of us are for getting married. What? Why? Why? I'll annul that shit. Just if Robin wants to give me an envelope full of cash, that's where we're at these days. But for those of you who were participating in just kind of dabbling in the Eastern arts of self care, you know, there was a big trend on TikTok saying, you know, are you taking care of yourself the way that our Asian brothers and sisters are? And that means, like, keeping your chi up, doing things for warmth. I'm doing my lemon water in the morning and I'm doing my bone broth. And I'll be honest with you, the bone broth is making me feel zippy. Got a lot of collagen in it. Just keeping things warm in the morning is helping me feel lighter during the day. So whatever y' all have been up to, it is working and I'm fully on board. Speaking of Asia, I'm going to Japan in a couple weeks. I plan nothing. I booked my flights, like, three months ago and just said, like, okay, if I can make it, if work allows me, then we're going to make it happen. And now I'm like, oh, fuck. I'm going during the busiest season. We'll miss the cherry blossoms by four days. And Jeff and I cannot get a reservation anywhere. Am I panicked? Yes. Is this a first world problem? Yes. Will I absolutely exploit any sort of fame that I have in order to get into a Michelin restaurant? I will. And they will be like, ma', am. Hey, Godzilla, you and your husband are so large, we don't want you here. There's not enough udon in this fucking country for you to consume. Like, we are actually going to be domestic terrorists rolling through being like, where's the tuna? Last night, I had to do a sleep study. I'm laying in bed. My boy Rodney from the Sleep Institute came over around five, showed me how to hook up this whole little rigamarole machine. I've got, like, a monitor on my finger. I've got a little candela in the nose so it can monitor my breathing. There's a whole backstory. I'll get there. But last night, I am laying in my bed looking like Mandy Moore from A Walk to Remember. And I'm laying there just with this. With this monitor on my chest. And it's going to just monitor my breathing and my sleeping all night to see if I have sleep apnea or insomnia or just a multitude of issues that I have. And I'm laying in bed like the true fat ass that I am. And I'm watching this guy at one of the Tokyo fish markets dip giant pieces of king crab in, like, this umami butter. And he's, like, sucking on it. It's not even mukbang or asmr. I'm just. And I just look over, okay, to Jeff, who has been watching me salivate with essentially this wire in my nose. So I look like I'm dying. And I look over at him, I go, oh, Jeff, crab. He's like, hey, can you not? He's like, heather, this is. You're a monster. And I'm laying in bed with my little sleep pack on and my little oxygen tank around the nose going, I want some crab in Japan. He's like, they. They're going to feel us coming off the plane. They're going to go, is that Godzilla? No, it's Heather and Jeff, two fat Americans ready to go to the fish Market and full blown mercury poisoning for the amount of fish and nori and fun little bits and treats we're gonna have. And I started laughing so hard because I looked at myself in the reflection of my Instagram and I just said, wow, I. This is rock bottom. But it's also, I'm moving on up because I'm taking the proper, necessary steps to fix the sleeping issues. And I was seeking help for it and I'm being proactive in my help, so fuck off. J. But he's sitting three feet away from me with his feet on the bed, sitting in his reading chair in our room. And he just keeps getting notifications. Ping, ping, ping. It's like crab, tuna, fluffy Japanese pancakes, this, that, this udon, you know, ramen, just everything. And he must have had 80 notifications from me in a matter of 60 seconds while I'm laying there, truly looking like I am on my last breath. I mean, I was crying, laughing at how insane I looked in the name of trying to figure out why I have such issues with sleep and the reason I have it. Well, okay, back up. The reason we did this is I went for my eighth month checkup. I don't know if it's eight months. Sure. To Dr. Rob who did my neck. And he's great. And he walks in, he goes, neck looks great, but you look like shit in more ways than one. I was like, I don't feel great. He's like, we need to do a sleep study. Let's get you figured out. And I said, thank you so much, doctor. So he's going to get the results in 48 hours and call me and figure out if I have sleep apnea. Now here's the thing under the definition of sleep apnea. And we talked about this a couple months ago, I went and had a original consultation with a sleep center. And they were like, you are not a good candidate for this. We don't think you have it. And I never heard back. But physically looking at me in the morning, you're like, this bitch may be choking herself out in the middle of the night. So if I end up having sleep apnea, I want you. I'm. I'm looking directly into the camera. I need you to know that this will truly be the final nail in the coffin of the cruel joke that is me turning into my father. My dad had to do a sleep study after he ran his. Sorry, these are like insular jokes. He ran his Lincoln Town Car into the back of somebody else's car. Cause he fell asleep behind the Wheel, you know, stuck in traffic. He's just, like, kind of farting along. And he bumped into somebody, and I was in. Was I in the car? I can't remember. And he came home all pissed. He was like, well, I just kind of fell asleep. I'm exhausted. And his doctor said, kyle, we gotta. We gotta do you a sleep study. And what do you know? As soon as that guy got a fucking CPAP machine, he was like a new man. Now, cancer did eventually kill him, but had my dad gotten a CP earlier and gotten on them GLP1s in the early aughts, this motherfucker would have been doing the downhill ski at the Olympics. I'm telling you right now, the core of who I am and who my father was is we're zesty and zippy, and when we're on, we got energy, and when we're down, it is low. And for those of y' all who are new here and thinking, I have no fucking idea who these people are she's talking about or what is going on, I just need you to know that I've been doing a lot of soul searching over the last week, trying to put the building blocks together and my family tree together. And I'm realizing, like, I looked at Jeff this morning as I was taking off the medical tape and the. The oxygen, little tube out of my nose, and I said, if this comes back that I have apnea, just go ahead and hit me with the car. Like. Like, enough. I got the same lump on my lower back that my dad had. Okay? Broad shoulders. We have the same face. I had to get the neck done twice. Like, Kyle, help me out here, bruh. Help me out. Cut me some fucking slack. From the grave. My God. And Jeff. And here I am laying in bed, just sending videos while my husband is less than a foot away from me going, crab. I just kept saying crab. Ooh, juicy crab. I think Jeff, his penis is so far tucked inside of him this week after having to watch me do that sleep test last night and just constantly sending him videos of decadent, rich, delicious Japanese street food, which he also is excited to indulge in. But I think seeing me in a white tank top with medical tape all over my face just going crab was not exactly the boner juice that he needed this week for Valentine's, you know, I don't. Anyways, I keep my fridge stocked with poppy soda. Why? Because it's absolutely delicious. Okay? And if you've cut out soda out of your diet to pursue a healthier life, well, poppy is about to change everything. It has all the soda flavor you know and love, but with 5 grams of sugar, ingredients you can love and prebiotics. So I just want you to know it is absolutely delicious. I love many of the poppy flavors, but right now the Shirley Temple flavor has me in an absolute choke hold. Jeff bought it by truly the caseload. It is so unbelievably delicious. It reminds me of sitting by the pool when I was a kid, bucket full of chicken tenders next to me and I'm drinking a Shirley Temple and just keep adding it to the club bill over and over and over again until somehow I would end up with like $6,000 worth of Shirley Temples and a headache. Okay. And every summer my parents were like, enough with the Shirley Temples. Well, now I can have that nostalgia. I can feel what it's like to be back with my feet in the pool, staring at the hot lifeguards, just living my best life on swim team. But I can have a healthier version of that with my Poppy soda. I love Poppy. It's so freaking delicious. 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Help is always ready before, during and after your stay. We've planned for the plot twists, so support is always available because a great trip starts with peace of mind. But Speaking of Kyle McMahon's skiing, we gotta talk about something positive because there's a lot of absolute nots that we're getting into. But an absolute yes is. I am so dialed into the Olympics right now, and this is just a general observation of the Olympic Games that I have realized. The Winter Games in particular are absolutely every single one of these athletes highly skilled, highly talented, highly athletic and highly psychotic out of their fucking minds. Like the Summer Games have a little razzle dazzle crazy shit going on, but you're telling me that all of these young people have decided to put on helmets and either throw themselves down a icy water slide a la the skeleton, luge, bobsled, throw themselves up in the air and land on ice, AKA figure skating, or you're doing the fast track where your fingers literally glide across the ice while you've got a Nordic woman in front of you with a blade the size of this yeti water Bottle a centimeter away from your cornea, and you're just hoping that this bitch doesn't kick up her back heel and you go blind. Every single sport other than curling that I have watched, I'm thinking, what on God's green earth makes you get up out of bed and say, you know what? That's the sport. Watching these, these ski jumpers, I saw a young woman representing the United States, I think she may be 18, okay, she gets in this suit, she's going down the track, and, you know, it's this giant hill. So her, like, legs are locked into the track. She looks like Gumby. And when she launches, it's like, light as a feather, stiff as a board, can't move an ounce. She flies 140 miles per hour in the air, then lands, I don't know, 7,000ft below the Earth's surface. Has to land gracefully and then just kind of glide to the finish line. Here's my thing. I'm about 210 right now. If I were to ski jump, if I were to even have the most perfect, flawless landing, I would break every single bone in my body. I don't actually understand how gravity, when the, when these folks land, when the, the ski jumpers, the big air snowboarders, I don't understand how all of their, their kneecaps aren't just shattered. I mean, when you wipe out doing winter sports, it's a wipeout. It is not a. Oh, you know what took a turn weird at the wall? Swimming. Let me get my breaststroke back in place. No, no, no, no. You're in the elements, it's fucking cold, you're going fucking fast, and it is wildly dangerous. The level of absolute no fear that these athletes have is, I mean, slow clap. I am absolutely blown away. I am blown away at the lack of just, just the sheer tenacity that these folks have. But every single sport at the Winter Olympics is either throwing yourself down an icy water slide, throwing yourself across ice, off a fucking mountain, down a cliff, or through a half pipe. Like, there is not a single sport where I go, yeah, you know what? Maybe, maybe this is the one. Everyone is out of their mind. The monobob is definitely something I think I could do. You get a tin can and you're holding it. Feel the rhythm, feel the rhyme. Come on, Heather. It's bobsled time and I'm running, and then I gotta hoist my body into this tin can and bounce around like an asshole down an entire icy track. And I don't know if You've seen the levers that they're using to steer these bobsleds. I mean, it's two fishing lures. These bad boys look like if you hit the ice the wrong way, the whole thing's gonna snap. And you've gotta glide yourself and guide yourself so that you don't flip in this ice tunnel. I mean, it's out of control. You wanna talk about the skeleton? Okay, who came up with this idea? You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take a boogie board, but I'm gonna make it out of metal, and then I'm just gonna get a running start and then just flop my body onto this metal boogie board and go head first down an ice water slide and pray I don't snap my neck. If every single one of the skeleton luge and bobsledders are not praying the full rosary before they hit the track, then they are out of their minds. They're out of their minds, dude. They're out of their minds. I saw a guy doing, like, the big air ski, ski slope style. This guy goes down the mountain backwards, hits a giant half pipe, launches into the air, does a 190, 870, 465, alley Oop, Dunkaroo. Lands down on the bottom part of the mountain, still backwards. And then he glides into the crowd, sprays them with snow, and is like, fuck, yeah. I'm Cole from Ontario. And you're like, let's go, Canada. Do the snowboarders. And these skiers are very hot. Like, I. I get it. If I was in the Olympic village, I would be like, I'm so sorry. Okay, what are you, a hottie with a snowboard? Yes, please. But either way, these. I hate to categorize an entire genre of athletes as sociopaths, but it is wild watching these Winter Olympics. There is not a single sport where you're not on the verge of death. Every fucking second you're flying through the air, you're flinging yourself down a damn mountain. Oh, don't get me started on the decathlon. Is the biathlon. Decathlon. One of those. I watched a relay, and of course, the Scandinavian countries were 1, 2, 3. It was like. It was Norway, Sweden, Finland, you know, did Norway. To Sweden. To Finland. Because that's just what they do. That's them going to Ikea. They're like, put on these. Put on these skis. And we're just. I watched a woman. I watched a woman from Norway track her ass in skis, flat skis up the mountain. She wasn't going down. She was going up for fun. Then she's got to come around a curb, lay down, shoot three targets, put the gun back on her back, and then just be like, I'm going to get to chows to Ikea's running up the hill. That's why the Scandinavian countries always win in any sort of relay, because this is just them practicing to go on a family outing to do what they do. They're like, we have to get there before everybody else gets to the ikea for the Swedish meatballs. This woman was going uphill sprinting with 10 foot skis on. And Jeff and I look at each other. He goes, I would have barfed 30 seconds up this mountain. I mean, it is out of control what these athletes are willing to do. Very into the quad. God, right now, I know he did not have the skate of his life, but I'm very into all the figure skaters. Just loving all their stories. The women are about to get into their free skate program. So there's a lot happening. And if you really need to unplug from the craziness of the world and what's actually happening on the other side of the matrix, I have found hope and levity in watching all of these incredibly talented athletes just hurl themselves down mountains and half pipes and luges. I do have a question. There is. Let me see what this sport is. I watched this and I did not understand what this was. Two person luge. Okay. This is one. This is one of the sports at the Olympics where I think, I don't know who came up with this, but I have a lot of follow up questions. It's the two man or doubles luge is a winter Olympic event where two athletes lie stacked on a single sled, traveling feet first down an ice track at speeds exceeding 90 miles per hour. This discipline demands intense synchronization with the bottom athlete providing power and control while the top provides steering. Often decided by thousands of a second. Okay. The two man luge has got to be the gayest sport I've ever seen in my life. Okay? Like what? Two gay dudes are like, hey, Terry. Hi, Terry. Come on. I know we're up in the Poconos. Come on, just lay down on dad. Come on, just lay down on my lap. Come on. He's like, Terry's like, darryl, stop. This is dangerous. He's like, come on, just lay down. And we're gonna go down on this. This little sled here. We're gonna have fun. I mean, crying, laughing, the thought of the Conversation between Daryl and Terry just been. Come on, baby, get on here. Come on, we're in the Poconos. Let's live a little. And then they end up coming up with the two man. The double's luge. Have you seen this? There's a man laying on the metal boogie board and another man lays on top of him and they just go feet first down the ice. Are you out of your mind? I don't know how the guy on the bottom can see anything. I also don't think he cares, you know, he's got sweet Terry right where he wants him. Close, close. I love it. I love it. I'm so here for the the double man luge. It's insane. It's unhinged. I really don't know. I mean, I guess it's the G force, how they stay on top of each other or if it's just the G spot, you know what I mean? I don't know. It's one of them. And I'll tell you right now, that is a fun fucking sport to watch. But for any straight guys out there who get asked by their buddy, you know, if Chad calls you like, hey, I want you to try this sport. Here's the deal, dude. You're gonna lay on top of me and we're just gonna ride down the ice together. All good? All good. I do want you to know that if you get a phone call like that, there might be a love connection there that you didn't see coming. So get ready. I mean, I thought it'd be hot if Jeff and I did the two person luge. And if he's on the bottom and has a little bit of a half chub, I can kind of clinch. Sorry. I'm sorry. I'm out of my mind today. I could clinch. I'm gonna keep going though. I could clench down and kind of hold onto it for support. Do you know what I'm saying? And this is no disrespect to the people who are doing the two person luge, but I just have a lot of follow up questions. I really, really do. Oh, what do you know? I think the Italians did. The Italians win. Seems. Seems about right. But every single Winter Olympic sport is just death defying. Like, why would you do this? At what point in your childhood trauma were you like, this is it. This is gonna cure everything. And it's fascinating to watch, and I am just so in awe of these athletes. But every single event gets more insane and more insane. And shout out to all the incredible athletes Just doing the damn thing. And will I ever get to the Olympics? I looked at Jeff last night, and I said, I want to get crap, but I also want to train like an Olympic athlete. And he said, well, Heather, we got to figure out if you have sleep apnea or not yet, because guess what? The next Olympics is in a couple years. And we got to know if you need a travel case for your CPAP machine for whatever sport that you decide to do. Could you imagine? I'm in, like, my early 40s, and I'm walking through the Olympic village, just going, hey, guys. Shari, Shari. Who doesn't mind if I bunk with them? Yeah, I got my CPAP machine. Listen, it makes a little. It's like a white noise. It's a little loud. But if I don't wear this scuba tank snorkel gear to provide oxygen for myself every night, I will choke out and die and will not be able to participate in whatever sport I have signed up for here at the Olympics. Oh, my God. I did see something, though, that apparently there were 10,000 condoms passed out in the Olympic village, and they're already out. And I say, you do you. There's nothing better than hot athletes who have trained, who are all so professional, and once they're done with their race, you know, you've got a hot Nordic man who does alpine downhill skiing, and he looks at a. An Austrian snowboarder, and he's like, you want to hop on a swena? Let's go. I don't know. I'm just trying to think of the fabulous love connections. I just think it's really, really fricking great, the Olympics, because we need something to look forward to. We need something to take our minds off the absolute lunacy that is what is happening in the world. We're all about being smart with our money this year. And I'm all really trying to get into investing. And here's the thing. Have you ever stopped yourself from invest before? Because maybe you didn't know enough, didn't have enough time on your hands? Well, I'm telling you what I have found. The Acorns app that has just kind of changed the game. What is Acorns? 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We have Vivian too coming on the podcast, I believe next week, which I'm excited to have that conversation with her, but I'm really trying to get more financially savvy in the new year. But I will say if I was going to you any sort of insider tips and tricks, you know, let the SEC flag this, this might be the time right now to invest in Reynolds or Saran Wrap. And let me find the exact brands of tinfoil. Who are the power players? Tin foil companies? Reynolds. Yeah. So Reynolds is probably they're the maker of Reynolds Wrap, the dominant brand in the US household market. If you really want to make it through the next week here in America or just living on this planet in I would start getting some more tinfoil hats. Cuz the conspiracy theories that are coming true and that are coming to light are so out of control that if you don't have your tinfoil hat, the government, Pam Bondi is going to like, be, be, be, be, be pierce through your brain. And she'll make you think like what you're seeing on the Internet is not real. I mean, it is fucking crazy. It is crazy. And if you are not turning on the news every day, absolutely disgusted, sick to your stomach, like, how can I be the hope and change in this world, but also feeling completely helpless and like you don't know what to do, then I don't know what to tell you because that's how a feel. That is why I've been so dialed into the Olympics. Because I have to have something to live for. I have to have a goal that maybe in three and a half years I too can do the half pipe. It's foolish of me to think that I would ever be that athletic, but I just have to cheer on and root for somebody else. Because what's happening right now, what's unfolding in front of our eyes, is the craziest shit ever. And here's the wild thing. Years ago, I'm talking like 10 years ago, my mom and I used to talk about this all the time. She's like, the global elites, all this shit. But then when Trump got tied in to being like the savior about it, she and I were both like, backpedal, backpedal. Something doesn't feel right about this. And now that all of this is coming to light, truly, it does make you feel crazy. It makes you feel nuts. You're like, wait a minute, all of this stuff I read about like, like 15 years ago, is this true? I mean, I'm not trying to be like, I'm obviously being a silly goose, but you do have these moments where I was driving the other day and somebody was talking about it on another podcast I listened to about the Epstein files. And you're like, just, just drive. Just. I mean, you don't understand what's. What is real, what is not. What is going on is completely overwhelming. So this is the time to get your tinfoil hats out. Because every single day there is something new and something more. Audacious, insane, unreal, unfathomable, disgusting. What the fuck is happening? And then you got Pam Bondi being like, can't even look at the Epstein survivor. She just wants to have a conversation about how the Dow's doing. It's unbelievable. And you know what, Pam? We've already been defending women named PAM. There's about five solid PAMs. But this bitch is ruin it. Ruining it for everybody out of her fucking mind. It just. There is so much to absorb that I. I'm not even gonna fully get into it. Cause there are other folks who are actually doing the research. And then you also have to guard your heart from it a little bit. Like you. You can get dialed in, you can understand, you can make yourself aware. And then you also, some days just have, okay, I gotta go. Also, like, hug a loved one and check in. So if you need to do the mental health check in, take a pause, take a beat. But man, this shit is fucking crazy. Everything's crazy right now. Everything's nuts. And we're just trying to keep our head above water and root on these athletes, cheer on these athletes who are hurling themselves down mountains. And then every three seconds I get a ping, ping, New Apple news notification. Ping, ping, more shit's on fire. And you're like, how am I going to make it through Wednesday? Truly, how am I going to make it through Wednesday? Well, I will tell you how you're going to make it through Wednesday. You're going to buy tickets@heatherantour.com because you need something to look forward to. And that's. I'm coming to a city near you and we're going to be giggling and we will be live in the flesh. And I will have a glitter and animal print and glitter boots on. And we will giggle and we will try and take 90 minutes out of our crazy busy day days to just have a little human connection. Because that is so important right now. Because is so crazy. But anywho, I love each and every one of you and I've been seeing all your DMs and we've all been having like sidebar conversations through tick tock and social media and all this of just like this feels so overwhelming and so suffocating with the amount of horrific news that we're getting every 30 seconds that you got to take a little time to process. Like just take a beat. Take a beat. Go get a. I don't even know what to say. I just, just take a beat. Because it's a lot. It's a lot. And also keep yourself aware and get your tinfoil. Get your tinfoil. Buy that Reynolds stock. That's what's up. Okay. I feel like this is a so because I don't have a guest here. It will be me just talking into the void and I could go for three and a half hours about my real thoughts on all of this. And it almost makes me fearful in a way of like how Nutter Butter I will get with the anger that I feel inside of me. So in order to keep this accommod comedy podcasts and just have a gentle pivot, let's get into the voicemails. As always, you can call in 800-213-7503. I want to hear what you guys have been up to and I love hearing, you know the things that are are affecting you in your life. So let's get into the voicemails right now. First one up.
- [41:01]
B
Hey Heather, it's me a Fort Worth curly. I plan to see you in March. Can't wait. Bring in the husbands. Coming with my sister Just gonna have a ball and so can't wait. But anyway, I'm sitting here drinking a glass of Tamis, watching Dog the Bounty Hunter, living my best life and I did watch your Watch what Happens live with Andy Cohen. And I just must say Andy Cohen loves you. I think you were so cute on Watch what happen live. I think he loves you. I think he thinks you're so funny. I would love to know more about your relationship with him. What is Watch what Happens Live. Like what is the experience? You know, how do you feel when you go there? I want to know step by step, detail by detail, the vibe and just your Bravo experience. Do you think you'll ever get a TV show by Bravo one day? You know, I think that's something I want to watch. Absolutely. Than this crazy dramas but love you so much other can't wait to see you. Bye bye.
- [42:12]
A
Love you. Dear listener and friend, adore you for calling in. What a great thoughtful question. You know, a lot of people do ask me what goes on behind the scenes in that Bravo Universe. And I can just tell you what I've experienced. I'll tell you from my point of view. One I want to just break down because you really, you set the scene. The thought of you having this gorgeous glass of a Cabernet Sauvignon from Camus, which is one of, you know, the most decadent, delicious red wines from California, and you're sitting down watching old episodes of Dog the Bounty Hunter, which just fills me in a way that, oof. I can, I can never really put into words how much I love Dog and Caymus together. It's high low. You know, it's like watching Thousand Pound Sisters while eating caviar. That's exact exactly it. While watching TLC's My Strange Addiction and booking a first class pod to Tokyo. That's just, it's, it's the high low and I love that. But now I'm just basically naming TLC shows. It's like watching 90 Day Fiance while also signing up for life insurance for the person that you actually married. That's, you know, they're in it for hopefully the good anyways. It's like watching 90 Day Fiance while actively putting things in your shopping cart and actually checking out at Restoration Hardw. High low. It's high low. And that's what I love about all of my followers. You're sensible, you enjoy the finer things in life, but you also know when to find a bargain and you love a little bit of trash. And at the end of the day, the core of who we are is just real people with real shit. And that's, that's my platform. McMahon can and she will. McMahon can and she will. I am just a real person running for real shit, period. And that's how you know it's going to be good. Watch what happens live. Me and the Bravo universe is a truly a whole nother world. You have left this planet, you're orbiting the Earth. You have found some sort of north star, a black hole, if you will, down 17 light years away. And it sucks you into a vortex of just fun and excitement and ridiculousness. And it's everything to me. So truly I, I'm grate that Andy has me on watch what happens live. You know, I have done episodes before where I can tell he's had a long day, he's exhausted, he's probably filmed a couple episodes and he's been, you know, just more professional, just like, like doing his thing, asking the questions and then goes on. He was so incredibly warm to me this past time. It Was so wonderful. And we just. Every single time I come back to watch what happens live, he's just even warmer and warmer. So I adore him. And Andy has been very kind to me. When the Ryder cup stuff happened, he DMed me and he was like, girl, you good? Like, this is the bullshit. So I. I do very much so him and just he's had an incredible professional career. Like what he's done, he's built this truly an empire. So adore him. Still in awe that I get invited on watch what happens live. So here's the thing. The clubhouse is tiny. It looks big on television. It is actually tiny. There's maybe, I don't know, 12 people in the studio audience. And it moves so quick. And you are getting asked rapid fire hot seat questions. Like beforehand, they'll kind of give you a guide, some sort of outline run a show of what's gonna happen. But truly, like, you're having to think off the top of your head. You're like, okay. Cause he's asking you questions left and right. You have to know so much about the shows. You can't go in to watch what happens live. Aloof, nonchalant about things. You have to have a point, a point of view, an opinion, and just be like, I fucking hate this bitch or I'm down. And all the talent. Like a lot of people. The last episode I did was with Sally from Southern Charm. She couldn't have been nicer. She was wonderful. I met Charlie backstage. They're all great. So when people are asking about, like the tea and the Dr. They shoot that a year ahead of time or six months ahead of time. So I'm just meeting the person for face value. And they're always lovely. And Andy did ask me this last time and he was like, you know, out of all the housewives that you've been on this show with, like, who was one that you'd ranked the lowest? And I said, Monica was lovely to me. Really, really lovely. But I gotta rank her the lowest because we know proof, receipts, timelines. Like, we saw what happened with Monica play out on the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City. So we knew that she ended up being shady boots business on the show. But when I sat next to her on the couch, she was absolutely lovely and professional. You know, I met Bronwyn and Todd. I met Daddy Todd backstage. And he could. They couldn't have been more lovely. And now Bronwyn and Todd are broken up. And I hope that Bronwyn's getting dicked down by a Hottie. But when I met all these folks backstage, everyone was lovely. They're on their best behavior. You're in the club. The energy is palpable. It's thick. It moves quick. But I will tell you what. I learned my lesson, okay? Now, some of y' all have been so kind. And then I've had distant third cousins who have literally texted me. And my mother being like, heather, you need to fire your stylist. Well, guess what? The stylist is me, okay? I went cheap on this one. I didn't. Let me. Let me tell you the pressure, though. The pressure to look good on Bravo is a whole nother. Oh. Level of. Of psychological warfare, because you know you're going to be sitting next to a Bravo Liberty, that they are coming out suited and booted. I thought I had a. I had a perfect outfit. It got rerouted because of the ice storm and sat at the FedEx center in Memphis for, like, three weeks, okay? So I'm trying to get the brand to send me another one. They can't get it to New York in time. Once I realize that things weren't going to get to me in time. So I had originally said, I'm not going to use my stylist for this, which I should have, but it's expensive. And so I like to use the stylus when I know I've got XYZ happening. Like, I'm doing red carpet. I'm doing all this shit. I was like, surely I can pull together, like, a very fun animal print look that's going to look great for sitting down in that chair. Like, I've done this enough where I, I. I pick and choose again. I'm a sensible woman. I'm. I'm trying to be smart financially, so I know, when am I going to use Bri. Pull out the big guns when it's necessary. And you need something custom. But I learned my lesson. I'm never fucking. I'm just not going to be cheap about it because I ended up spending half my day fighting with the woman at the Bloomingdale Soho. And this is what's wild. I went to a billion different stores. I go to Zimmerman. They're like, the largest size we have here is a 12. I'm like, okay, this. I go to the next store, and they're like, yeah, no. So we can order it. If I have to hear one more time, we can order it. I am going to lose my mind. We can order it. We can order it. I can order it. Michelle. I can order it. That's what I originally did. I ordered it because I know you're not going to have it in store. So I went ahead and ordered it and it's sitting somewhere in the middle of an ice storm in the southeast right now. Yeah, I know. We can order it. We all can fucking order it. That's why online shopping is killing the brick and mortar, because you never have anything in my size when I go in there. I am screaming right now. And there's a law firm next door that I know they're trying to, like, do a deposition and our walls back up to each other. My studio, even though it's quote unquote, soundproofed, I can hear them, they can hear me. Sorry, guys. Hope I hope you, whatever. I'm just going to start making legal jokes anywh who. So I'm spiraling the day before. I need a Today show look and I need to watch what happens live. Look. Two very, very opposite ends of the spectrum when it comes to style, charisma, fashion. I pull something together for watch for today's show, and I want to give a shout out to Abercrombie and Fitch. I have been clinging on to this leather skort that I got there for like $42. I just ordered another one because I have worn the crotch out of this other one that I wore. I have worn this leather skort from Abercrombie everywhere, every country, every continent. And it just keeps riding hard with me. So shout out to Abercrombie. And folks, so I pulled something together for the Today show and I'm in my hotel room. I'm getting ready to head over to watch what happens live. And I, I gotten this one dress at this one store and it was cheap and I thought that maybe I could pull it off. I put it on and I realized it's completely see through. Now, what you have to realize about dressing for television and dressing for being in person, it's two totally different things. When you are on camera, especially if you're seated, like, this is why you hire stylists. They know, okay, if you're sitting, we need something a certain length or we need a boot that comes up enough or we gotta have the right undergarments underneath, or if you're turned at this angle, this sweater is gonna make your shoulders look huge. Like if you're just a naturally sized two person and you can run around and just slip on a little pillowcase and belt it. I love when people are like. I love when smaller women try and tell larger women, just belt it Just belt it, girl. Just. Just throw that on and just belt it. I don't have a fucking natural waste machine gel. Stop yelling at me to belt it. I don't own a belt. I'm shape like a honey crisp Washington apple. I know those are two different types of apples, but take both of them, put them together, and that's what my body's shaped like. A fricking Granny Smith on two toothpicks. Okay, so we're about to leave for the show. I put on this little dress, and it is a nightmare. I'm like, it's see through. It's not working. With the skims I got, it's not gonna work. So I just grabbed my show me your moomoo sweater. Well, the sweater is very cute, but it didn't look good on television. It's very cute in pictures. It's very cute in person. But when you are on camera, I. This is the thing, the number one thing people say to me is, wow, you look a lot smaller in person. The television and camera really, truly adds 40 pounds. So if you're already getting tested for sleep apnea and fighting for your life, you're fucked. Do you know what I'm saying? If you're already actively participating in a sleep study to figure out what's wrong with you, you can't just grab a sweater from the closet with a thick fur collar and pray for the best. So I've got like a third cousin texting my mom. That outfit was terrible. And as soon as I sat down. And I know that on the other end of the spectrum, you can, like, thin shame people. So I'm not trying to do that. But when I tell you, like, the girlies from Southern charm are truly like itty bitty babies. Like, they're tiny, tiny, skinny, gorgeous, stunning, but they're. They're like baby bird bones. Very petite women. And then the two ladies from Broadway behind me that were fantastic, they're from the musical Chess and they're like ripped bodies just standing there in, like, a bra and a blazer. You know, I love show me your mumu. It's my favorite brand. Shout out to cologne and cami. But when I tell you I'm literally stuffed in this, like, fur sweater that is a size too small in my ab. I'm clutching my Abercrombie and Fitch score. Okay? Meanwhile, I had started my period 20 minutes before I had to go to watch what happens live. So the reason I didn't have tights on is because I bled through them and I had to rip them off. That's why I was raw doggin it. So my poor makeup artist is down there. Just spray. I didn't get a spray tan because I had worn tights the whole week. So she is spray painting on liquid bronzer on my legs. I'm in a brown boot with a black leather skirt and an apres ski sweater that makes me look like you have taken a bunch of Parmigiano Reggiano and squeezed it through a tube, wrapped it up on the end and shoved it in a seat to talk to Andy Cohen. That's how I felt. And I caught a just one look at myself in the monitor and I was like sitting next to Thin Sally and the tube ripped ladies behind me and I just go, God damn it. And I know some of y' all get annoyed when I'm self deprecating about my size, but it is just really wild to be the, like the one larger person in the room. And I'm just. I put. And I. Tina saw it on the monitor. I know she did because right before we were, you know, Andy's about to like count us into the show. I put my head down and I just go, God damn it. I can't. I can't. Somehow Sally and I both ended up being infer. Thank God. But the level of pressure to look cool on a watch what happens live episode is it's almost debilitating. I pulled it off, but I fucked around and found out and I will never do that again. I. Kelly, I'm sorry. She's my stylist. Kelly, I'm sorry. I was cheap. I was being cheap. I will call myself out. I was not working smarter. I was working harder and I fucked it up for all of us. I am sorry, okay? I am sorry to everybody. I apologize. But Andy is great. He's phenomenal. And also, I'll tell you right now, just to answer one of your questions, you said, would you ever want your own show? No. Dude, that pressure, that is the most insane pressure ever. Who. Kudos. I commend all of the folks who are able to do reality TV and not absolutely hold themselves and cry themselves to sleep at night. I. I do stand up comedy and it's in it. There's a lot of. There's a lot of vitriol out there. I could never imagine just actively trying to live my life and go have lunch with people on camera and then the next thing you know, the Internet is just roasting your ass. I am not built for it. I couldn't do it. I love being a disgusting observer of it and eating my popcorn and watching the housewives do what they do. But that's why they're cut from a different cloth. They are cut from a different cloth. When I met Erica Jane backstage at the Unwell Weekend with Alex Cooper, let me tell you what, I went up to Erica and I said, erica, you floated in here. You are the most stunning, gorgeous, professional woman I've ever met. I adore you, and I could never be you. And she was just the fucking coolest. So I meeting Kathy Hilton. Hello, out of body experience. But they are so good at what they do. Would I be a great housewife and bring entertainment? Sure. But would I just be constantly in the corner adjusting my sweater? Yes. Like, the producers would have to. There would be an entire theme for my season. They're like, heather must be on drugs because she keeps nitpicking at her sweater. But it would just be me catching myself in the monitors, being like, do I need to adjust this sweater? Do I go off the shoulder? Or do I unbutton one button? How do I. Do I look good? Do I look thin next to Kathy Hilton? Like, it would have been a disaster, but I do have so much fun going on. Watch what happens live. And as such a fan of the Bravo world, the fact that that is what I get to do now is really, really fucking cool, dude. And it is wild. But Andy, we. We had so much fun. And he was so gracious and just kind and, and so. And so good to me. And, and so I had a really, really good time. But I did start my period 15 minutes before, had to throw out my tights in the trash can and was. Had the jaws of life prying that sweater together so that I could button it to sit down. So whether some people loved it, some people hated it, either way, I want you to know that was me fucking around and finding out because I was trying to be cheap and I didn't want to be. I was trying to save funds and that, you know what you don't do? You don't save funds when you go and watch what happens live. And I learned my lesson. Listen, stay humble, stay rich. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [57:41]
C
Hi, Heather, My name is Gus. I'm originally from Rome, Georgia. North, north part of Rome region. Caudal Merchi. And I live in Atlanta now with my wife. And I've gotten absolutely not for you. So we had two cats and originally wasn't too keen on the idea, but my wife used her feminine wiles and got us to get them in our house. And you know, now I love them. Things like those, my own kids anyways. But so absolutely not is that my mother in law, she don't even live near us, but she wants to come claim custody of these two animals that I now see as my children. I'm not gonna lie, Heather. I see them as my children. So anyways, she comes and she tries to take them to stay at her house. She comes and she tries to tell us what to do with them. And I'm just about up to here. It's an absolute not for me. And. And personally, I really would like your advice on how to handle this too. I'm a truck driver. You can probably hear the road around me all the time. Your podcast just. It just keeps me going. So, Heather, I just. I need your advice. I need. I need to keep my babies away from this crazy woman. So anyways, appreciate you hearing me soon, bitch.
- [58:55]
A
Bye, Gus. I have been doing this podcast for going on six years now. Without a doubt, my favorite person to ever call in. I know I say that often. Gus, everything about you, and I'm not trying to mock you, I just want to get on your level. Everything about you is perfect, baby. It's perfect. You said feminine wiles. You were seduced by your wife's feminine wiles. Gus, I love you. I want to go to lunch with you. I want to ride around in the truck across country and just share war stories. Wow, Gus. Oh, man, I'm excited about this one. Okay, well, let's get right into your absolutely not, which is your mother in law is stealing your children, okay? She's stealing your children. And your children are two cats. And I feel like since the dawn of time, I have been a fierce defender of the feline population. There is nothing more annoying to me than folks who are like, I'm a dog person. I'm a dog person. Yeah, we know. We know that you're not an equal opportunist. We know that you're a nightmare. And a lot of the dog people are going, well, Heather, you have. You have French bulldogs. I love my dogs. I'm one of the worst dog people, okay? Cause I have Frenchies. So I already feel like I am far superior than most other breeds, even though mine have a lot of issues. Okay? But I also have, in my lifetime, probably no lie, hand to God, rescued close to 15 cats. Talk to the family. We lost Delta, our last cat, a year and a half ago, and it devastated me. And I love her. And a cat Cat live. Cats are around for like 17 plus years. You're lucky if you got a solid 8 with a golden doodle. And I don't say that, I don't say that as fighting words. I'm just trying to have you understand. Wrap your head around the expectations of a cat versus dog. And it's not two can coexist, but the phrase they fight like cats and dogs is also an accurate phrase. I tried to get mine together and it didn't work. It did not work. But once you cross over that threshold and you allow a pussycat to come into your life, it will change you. When you get good ones, ones, it's next level. It really. A great cat is like something else. It's like something else. I mean, we used to have this kitty, we called her. Okay, I don't even know if it was a boy or girl. And it was outdoor kitty. And my dad and I, in the winter would set up shelters for all the outdoor kitties and we'd have these crates out. We didn't know how many, but there were a few. And we'd feed, feed them. And then we would take heating pads and they were on timers plugged into the bottom of the porch. And okay, my dad's a little kitty, okay? He or she would bring a couple other kitties and they would hang out in the warmth like, this is the level of cat lady rescuer I am. So. I get it, Gus. I understand. And you, you went into this kicking and screaming. You already said it, Gus. I didn't even necessarily want these little critters, and now I'm attacking scratched. But we got to get to the real problem, which is your mother in law is being a nightmare and trying to take your kitty cats to her home. My God, listen, I can't even get Robin to watch the dogs without there being an incident. Every single time Robin has the dogs, somehow the fence is open, the back gates open, and I get a text from a neighbor that's like, rigatone is on our roof right now. Can you come get him? And I'm like, hey, I'm in Boise and I gotta call Robin. And she's like, I'm playing mahjong on my iPad. And I'm like, hey, is there a reason why my dog is on the roof right now eight houses down? And she's like, no, he's not. Oh, shit. So I gotta be honest with you, Gus. I hear you, and you need to figure out firm boundaries. But I would kill for a responsible adult to be able to Watch my dogs and may be able to leave them at home. That is not the case. Robin has. Has nearly killed all of our pets on accident. It's not from neglect. It's not from abuse. It's simply because there's a screw loose. And it ain't tink tinking the way it used to tinker tanker. Do you know what I'm saying? And I love her, but every time I leave, I get a phone call. Somebody's got a weird itch there. A dog's got a cold off, somebody threw up. There's a situation. Da, da, da. I mean, it's kind of like Jeff and I now just always board the dogs. We take them to this great farm up in Milton, and they're awesome. But regardless, I would love. I'm. I'm secretly jealous. I would love an in law that could come over and be like, we want to take the babies. You know what? We're taking the Frenchie babies. We're taking them to the beach this weekend. That is not what's happening at our house. So I'm actually jealous of the fact that you have a mother in law who wants to participate and loves on your babies. I'm jealous of that. My mom loves on my. My babies, but they are not safe. You know, it's just. It's a. It's a nightmare now because your mother in law is a nightmare. I do believe in firm boundaries. And I think you need to tell her, Gus. I think you need to. You need to take that truck. You need to pull up in front of the car condo and you. Darlene, enough. Put my pussies back in the truck. I'm riding home to big mama. You need to tell her. And let me tell you what, I haven't met a lot of men in my day named Gus, but if a man with a fucking 18 wheeler named Gus rolled up with that sexy voice and was demanding me put pussy in the car, you bet your ass I'd give him what he wanted. Okay, that sounded weird. You know what I mean, Gus? All I'm saying is if you pulled up to my house in an 18 wheeler with that sexy voice, I'd give you whatever you wanted. Okay? I wouldn't care what you were hooting and hollering about. I'd say, gus, I'm gonna go ahead and get in this. I'm gonna sit in this truck next to you and we're gonna talk. But now back to the fact that your mother in law has stolen your pets. That's. You could report Her. And I'm not saying start a legal battle. I'm not saying get the cops involved, but you need to talk to the wife and put up a firm boundary because Lilo and Stitch deserve to be at your house now. Also. No Gus, though. I just want to throw this out there. I'm not saying that your wife is pulling a fast one, but she's at home with the kids all day. And by kids, again, I mean kittens. The cats. She's at home with the cats all day. You're out on the road doing what you got to do, which is hauling heavy things from point A to point B. And while she loves them, she also may be conspiring with the mother in law. She may be calling her mama. Hey, mama, you know, sexy Gus is coming back home. He's been on the road all week. I haven't seen my sexy Gus. I need you to come get them kids, watch them for the evening so I can see my Gus. I'm just saying maybe you make this temporary. This temporary cat situation work out to your advantage. Get the most that you can out of your wife for them first 24 hours at your home. Make sure there's a hot pot roast. You text her, say, baby, I want a pot roast, and I want. I want some roadhead. And you let her know what you want, but then you make sure sure that the cats are back in the house before you leave for your next trip. It's hard. I get it. I don't have actual children. I've got dogs, so I love them in a deep way. And my friends who have kids get annoyed with me, and I get annoyed with them, and we're all annoyed because I send photos of my. I'm like my baby. And I send a photo of my Frenchies to the group chat, and they're like, ugh, your dogs. And I'm like, your kids. But I love them, and they love me, and we all love each other. Other. But we are all riding a very fine line of boundaries, respect, and general care for the youth of America, whether it be animals or human. You know, I mean, Gus, help me help you. All I'm saying is you need to say something, have a conversation. But maybe your wife is saying, I'd like a little more just extra time with my Gus. That's all I'm saying. Maybe we need to look at this a little differently from an angle of. What is your wife trying to get out of this? Some quality time with her. With her babe. And that's romantic. Gus, I love You. Thank you for calling in. I hope I solved any of your problems. I really just kind of talked about my own problems, which is what I usually do with the voicemails. But I appreciate you teeing me up for that. Thank you, Gus. You just. I feel like we're slowly starting to solve the world's problems. And I'm so glad that you called in and I'm so glad to our other. Other caller who called in drinking her Camus, watching her dog, the Bounty Hunter, and asking the behind the scenes questions of what it's like to be a Bravo star adjacent Bravo adjacent star. And I just want y' all to understand that I really am doing the best I can. I am with the weight of the world, with the pressure of the future Olympics coming up, and I haven't even picked a sport yet. I just don't think y' all give me enough credit for the amount of intense scrutiny and pressure I am under every single day. Day. You know, I haven't even thought winter or summer games. I haven't even gotten there yet. And. And the clock is ticking. I'm also out here trying to solve the world's mysteries. I'm trying to fight crime. I'm trying to expose the Epstein files. I'm trying to just be a basic, decent human being. I'm trying to book guests on this fucking podcast. I'm trying to write new material for the road. I'm trying to. I'm trying to solve the world's problems, figure out why my dad died of pancreatic cancer while also doing a sleep study and looking up udon noodle spots in Japan. Like, do you guys understand the amount of shit I'm trying to accomplish in one day? And I know that you are doing the same. We are all out here fighting these insane battles every day while getting inundated with the wildest fucking news that our brains cannot comprehend, while also simultaneously trying to figure out how to buy stocks and bonds in rental wrap aluminum foil because the shit's only going to get crazier. So I appreciate the moment of levity in my week when Gus and our other friend call in and you ask, you take us out of this bullshit for a couple minutes. I really genuinely love you and I hope that I can give you little bursts of advice. And this is. I just want to just close it things. Wrap it all up. Close the loop, Heather. Close the fucking loop. What does your therapist say? Close the loop. I want you to know how much I love and adore each and every one of you. I love that we are giggling. I love that we have this hour to ourselves to try and figure things out, to talk about it aloud. And when I say talk about it aloud and figure it out, it is just me again exposing my own insecurities and embarrassments for your entertainment. And you know where you can find more of that on tour. I am going to be kicking off this last leg of the Bamboozle tour in Houston, Texas, March 5th, and then I'm going to Fort Worth, Texas, March 6th. And then I'm leaving for Japan March 7th. So you better get your asses to those Texas shows because it is going to be out of fucking control. Control. And then I'm leaving, I'm going to Japan, and then I'm going to be come back and be right back on the road. So we are doing a lot. It is also my birthday month and I better be getting gifts. I am in ides of March, Pisces, and I am desperately, desperately in need of human connection with other fun, fabulous people. And I need to giggle because I've been in the house too long finishing scripts, writing shit, and I'm losing my mind. So I need to be the people's princess that you've always wanted me to be. That high, low bidding witch who wants to go out there, kiss you and receive gifts from you. Because that's what Princess Diana's legacy was all about. It wasn't about, you know, bridging the gap between the royal family and the common people and going to Africa and walking through fields of landmines, risking her life to prove how necessary it was for us to get aid to those parts of the world. No, no, no. That's not what her legacy was about. It was about, about obviously receiving gifts. Do you see? Do you see what I've done there? And this is why, this is why I got to stop recording. Because it's going to get weird so quick here Again, I want to say thank you for tuning in. I want to say thank you for these great voicemails. Happy Chinese New Year. Shout out to all the Olympic athletes. I love you. Ciao bella. Arrivederci. And I'll see you guys in the next episode. Love you. Meaning. Bye. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. I can hear it instantly. Can you hear it?