Replay: Master Scammers Part 2 with Raymond Padilla

Summary

Absolutely Not Podcast
Replay: Master Scammers Part 2 with Raymond Padilla
Date: April 10, 2026
Host: Heather McMahan
Guest: Raymond Padilla

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Episode Overview

This episode of the "Absolutely Not" podcast reunites comedian Heather McMahan with her close friend Raymond Padilla for a hilarious, no-holds-barred debrief of their bold (and self-described “scummy”) adventures at the Masters golf tournament. From navigating the exclusive chaos of the merch tent to orchestrating VIP seating and recounting their antics before, during, and after the tournament, Heather and Ray serve up their signature blend of sardonic humor, wild storytelling, and genuine friendship. The conversation veers from golf culture and retail scrappiness to friendship dynamics, party advice, and life lessons in the art of joyful, rule-bending living.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Masters: From Unwanted to Unstoppable (00:00–09:07)

• Heather and Ray recount how they went from being welcomed at the Masters one year to uninvited the next, despite promoting the event to a new demographic. Heather jokes about her fans—mostly women—becoming a lucrative audience for the Masters:
  • “My audience is not necessarily golf gals, and now they are. It was basically like finding a geyser in the middle of the woods. You’re welcome.” (01:28, Heather)
• Both discuss their obsession and mayhem in the Masters merchandise tent, likening it to “Black Friday” with rampant, almost blackout spending.
  • Ray: “I walked in saying, ‘I’m only buying two hats.’ … I walked out hundreds of dollars later.” (01:56)
  • Heather: “You don’t have your cell phone … so you got to get that fix. And when you don’t have social media, what is that next fix? What are you jonesing for? Materialism.” (02:50)
• Describes the tent's “aesthetics” and lines, including funny, candid observations about the assortment of older men with “diabetic feet.”
  • “I’ve never seen more white men with diabetic feet in my life.” (03:24, Heather)
• They candidly discuss health, aging, and mobility issues among attendees, making light while showing empathy for the diabetic community.
  • “If your husbands are going, do not let them wear an ankle sock with an on cloud shoe… We got to get the sock ratio right.” (03:44, Heather)
• Legendary purchases such as the coveted Masters gnome and the FOMO surrounding pricey or rare swag.

How to Scum Your Way to the Best Seats (09:07–12:55)

• The pair discuss the insider "scum" moves they used to land prime viewing for the decisive Masters’ moments:
  • Securing seats through a friend who “staked” chairs early in the morning—a key Masters’ tradition.
  • “She put the chairs down for them, but they had to leave early … She said, ‘Hey, we’re leaving. If y’all want to watch the end … do it.’” (09:25, Ray)
• Physical toll of walking extensive grounds with inadequate footwear; lively commentary on their own and others’ fashion, comfort, and body size at the tournament.

Not Your Average Sporting Crowd (12:55–14:49)

• The social and behavioral oddities of the Masters audience:
  • “It was like four shamuses in a bathtub, literally.” (12:13, Heather)
  • Memorable moment: A drunk fan with hiccups repeatedly disrupts play in tense silence: “His girlfriend was … punching him in the dick. She’s like, quit hiccuping. Because it’s very quiet.” (12:21, Heather)
• Spotting celebrities: Ray is thrilled to see Harry Styles (“He had a little man bun on, and he’s small. Very petite man. Slender.” 13:06-13:21, Ray and Heather), and they riff about his attire at a stodgy golf club.

Theoretical Country Clubs & Queer Friendships (14:49–17:25)

• Heather and Ray invent the “Trinity Golf Club” with the humorous “one gay a day” rule—and brainstorm themes like a gay jello wrestling pin.
  • “You’d run it, Ray. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be out there with a clipboard and a whistle like Joe Rogan at a UFC fight.” (15:17, Heather)
• The relationship dynamic between gay men and women, inclusivity, and lighthearted reminders about the boundaries of their jokes.

Olympic Dreams, Schlepping Skills, and Everyday Gold Medals (20:54–29:07)

• Post-Masters edible adventures inspire the hypothetical “average person Olympics”: which events could they, as average/plus-size adults, enter and win?
  • “There’s very few summer Olympic sports that are made for women with big tits.” (21:19, Heather)
  • Ray stakes his claim on water polo: “I was a swimmer and I played water polo. I’m a bigger dude.” (21:50)
• Everyday superpowers: talking for 24 hours, running a switchboard, making phone reservations, schlepping countless bags, and navigating disorganization with uncanny recall.

Reservation Scamming, Scrappiness and Retail Tales (29:07–36:44)

• Ray shares tips for getting restaurant reservations in impossible places:
  • “It’s just like establishing a relationship immediately. If you talk to people like you know them, you’re in charge.” (24:10, Ray)
  • “If you send a Christmas card to your three favorite managers in restaurants in New York, you’ll never have a problem getting in.” (24:54, Ray)
• Heather credits her mother, Robin, as the “O.G. Scholar” of scamming, sharing stories of Robin’s strategic theft of chicken salad and no-nonsense approach to retail crime.
  • “She would chase people out into the mall … by the food court … this is a liability on us.” (34:40, Heather on Robin)

Living Out Loud & Tour Antics (36:44–47:10)

• Heather and Ray discuss fashion, two-modes-of-living (total glam vs. troll), and recent tour adventures (loose titties at the Minneapolis show; accidental flashing of Ray’s “pink dumpling”).
  • “There were loose titties in the audience … I so was. I suffered a hate crime. Some would say.” (38:07, Heather and Ray)
• Advice for live shows: “If you guys are coming to the shows and you’re sitting on the first two rows … come get locked in and enjoy the show.” (39:59, Heather)

Advice for Fun & Living More Fully (44:10–47:10)

• Ray playfully calls out Heather for being “less fun now.” Heather owns her glass-half-full persona and plans to party “all or nothing” this summer.
  • “If your tits don’t end up on TMZ this summer, then you didn’t have fun.” (45:23, Ray)

Lakes, Camp Stories, and Childhood Outcast Brilliance (47:10–50:00)

• Discussion of summer plans, class differences in camp experiences, and Heather’s vivid memories of early performing glory at theater camp.

Final Thoughts: Manifesting More Mischief (50:00–51:56)

• Heather and Ray manifest invites to country clubs, beach clubs, and exclusive retreats: “If you want to see a good time or just blackmail us, invite us to your ranch.” (48:41, Heather)
• Hyping the upcoming Radio City show as “blackout, balls to the walls”: “It is going to be like no show you’ve ever seen.” (50:35, Heather)
• Ray’s closing remark: “You can find me on Venmo. I love you. Goodbye.” (52:03)

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Notable Quotes & Moments

• “There’s nobody that spends more money than white women. And you brought them to the Masters.” (01:44, Ray)
• “If your husbands are going, do not let them wear an ankle sock with an on cloud shoe. Like, we’re not doing that.” (03:44, Heather)
• “Honestly, I thought it was gonna go from a golf tournament to a mass funeral.” (05:39, Ray)
• “The anticipation builds up because as you’re walking in and you’re in the zigzag lines, you can just smell like the old money, you know what I mean?” (02:36, Heather)
• On “schlepping”: “Instead of the Comeback Tour, this should just be called the Schlepping Tour, because that’s—I feels like sometimes that’s all we do.” (26:01, Heather)
• “My dad always said he wanted me to play golf…This will serve you so well in business.” (11:12, Heather)
• “You’d run it, Ray…with a clipboard and a whistle like Joe Rogan at a UFC fight.” (15:17, Heather)
• “You don’t need the two extra drinks. You’re gonna have just as much fun—we’re gonna make you have fun anyway.” (40:41, Ray)

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Key Timestamps

• 00:00–02:32 | Masters intro, being uninvited, and first merch tent impressions
• 02:50–05:56 | Chaos in the merch tent, wild purchases, and medical observations
• 09:07–12:02 | How they “scummed” seats for the winning shot
• 12:55–14:22 | Drunk fan disruptions and celebrity sightings (Harry Styles)
• 14:49–17:25 | Inventing “inclusive” country clubs and joking about club rules
• 20:54–24:15 | Olympic-event fantasizing and daily life superpowers
• 24:15–29:00 | Restaurant reservation “scumming” and tips
• 34:00–36:44 | Shoplifting stories, Heather's mother the “OG Scholar”
• 38:07–41:47 | Tour stories: loose titties, accidental flashing, live-show etiquette
• 44:10–47:10 | Fun advice, living out loud, and summer party goals
• 50:00–51:56 | Closing wishes: invitations to the Hamptons, hype for Radio City show

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Episode Tone & Style

• Language: Sardonic, candid, raunchy-funny, full of camaraderie and self-deprecation
• Pace: Fast, conversational, anecdote-heavy
• Vibe: Irreverent, unfiltered, heartfelt beneath the humor; celebration of friendship, life’s absurdities, and mischievous joy

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This episode captures Heather and Ray at their wickedly funny—and relatably human—best, showing that “scumming” your way through life is really just about creative resourcefulness, connections, and having a damn good time wherever you can find it.

Transcript

[A]

The following podcast is a dear media production, welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I know that you've been just waiting on the edge of your seat, really, to hear about the full Masters golf tournament rundown and how Ray and I scommed our way back in to the golf world. So not only have we come back with a vengeance, but we are ready to tell our side of the story. So here it is. Without further ado, Master Scommers part.

[B]

Do I feel like the Avengers? Like, we came back fighting?

[A]

We came back fighting.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

For war.

[B]

Because we weren't invited originally.

[A]

We were not invited. We were invited the first year and then somehow did not get re.

[B]

We don't know if it was what we did at the Masters, even though we were on our best behavior last year.

[A]

First of all, we did nothing but promote it. I would say lift it up on the wings of an angel.

[B]

Yeah. We brought eyes to that thing that were never on it before.

[A]

Yeah. My audience is not necessarily golf gals, and now they are. So the fact that I tapped into a market that was an untapped market before, you know, it was basically like finding a geyser in the middle of the woods. You're welcome.

[B]

Honestly, you're welcome. Because there's nobody that spends more money than white women. And you brought them to the Masters.

[A]

I brought them to the Masters, and I ran into a lot of those gals in the merch tent where we all blacked out and spent thousands of dollars in, like, 10 minutes.

[B]

It was Black Friday. I felt like I was at Black Friday, and I walked in saying, I'm only buying two hats. I'm only buying two hats. One for a friend and one for my mom, and I walked out hundreds of dollars later.

[A]

Can you explain, though? Like, explain the merch booth at the Masters for people who don't understand exactly what it's like?

[B]

Well, it's gorgeous. It's like actually being in a fancy Tommy Bahama bigger without the smell. Without the intense Tommy Bahma smell. But that's what it's like. Like the wood, the shiplap, the whole Luke of it all.

[A]

Esthetics is, I'd say 15 out of 10.

[B]

Correct. And then they have you in these, like, lines, zigzag lines, like, I'm waiting for the next Harry Potter book to drop.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

And then they hold you and they let in groups At a time, and it's a rush.

[A]

The anticipation builds up because as you're walking in and you're in the zigzag lines in these cues, you can just smell like the old money, you know what I mean?

[B]

We're all feeding because they don't let you bring in any drinks. They don't let people smoke in that line, and they just take away all everything.

[A]

And you don't have your cell phone on you, so you don't have anything to, like, preoccupy yourself. So you got to get that fix. And when you don't have social media, what is that next fix? What are you jonesing for? Materialism.

[B]

Yeah. Honestly, Jeff, like, stole our joy. He, like, made us put stuff back.

[A]

Yeah. He actually made us put back these really cute umbrellas, which could have come

[B]

in handy later today when we arrived in Kansas City in the eye of the storm and it was pouring rain.

[A]

I could have had my tiny little foldable travel masters umbrella.

[B]

That fits in a purse.

[A]

That fits in a purse. And he made us get rid of it. So what do you know, Jeff? Killing our joy. But how we got. Well, wait, let's just stay on the merchant for a second.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So when I was in turned to uray and I said, I've never seen more white men with diabetic feet in my life. Okay.

[B]

It's wild how diabetic feet have really come into our life in the last six months.

[A]

Purple. Everything was purple. Blue, touch of gray. You know what I mean? And these are people who also scum their way into the masters.

[B]

Everyone's legs being cut off by the elastic of their sock. Like, that's how bad it is.

[A]

I warned everybody going into the masters. I said, if your husbands are going, do not let them wear an ankle sock with an on cloud shoe. Like, we're not doing that. All right? I want a no show sock, Maybe some Nike dunks. They can wear the cloud sneaker. They can be comfortable. But we got to get the sock ratio. Yeah.

[B]

We got to get it right. You can't look like a ding dong.

[A]

You can't look like a ding dong. Well, there. I don't know what happened, but we were in line. We literally next to, like, three Italian goombas. These guys look like they were one piece of calamari away from just full heart attack.

[B]

It was insane.

[A]

It just made me feel stressed out of America.

[B]

I was, like, on edge, ready to, like, resuscitate somebody.

[A]

Yeah. The alc levels in that merch booth were through the roof. Sky high.

[B]

Also, you get trapped behind a guy. I mean, I loved it and I'm so grateful for the whole thing. But then you get trapped behind the guy who's huffing and puffing with his diabetic feet and you're trying to, like, weasel your way through to get the last. Because everything sells out.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're, like, in a panic and you're like, I have to get this shirt before it sells out.

[A]

So you're fighting with these guys, but

[B]

then you're trapped behind five guys who can't walk.

[A]

Yeah. And that's the thing, is the course is not easy to walk. There's no seating. There is nowhere. There's no. Like, if you don't have the exclusive clubhouse pass, you are on your own. The only thing you can eat there is pimento cheese and barbecue. That's it. And, like chips. That's it.

[B]

And that's how we got here.

[A]

And that diabetic feed and listen. Big shout out to anybody in the diabetes community. We both have family members who are. Oh, just raging. Riddled with.

[B]

It is all over my DNA. It is coming. The wave is coming.

[A]

Yeah. So we're not here pointing fingers. We're just raising a red flag of concern.

[B]

Yes. I. I'm concerned for my brothers and sisters and diabetics.

[A]

Yes. So we just want to paint the picture of what we were already up against. Right. And so that many moments, I'm like, ray, if these people are in such bad health shape, and I know that we both have creaky knees, what's about to happen?

[B]

Honestly, I thought it was going to go from a golf tournament to a mass funeral.

[A]

Yes. And as soon as we were let, like, as soon as our gate opened and they allowed us into the merge booth, it was just like, we blacked the fuck out. I don't even remember anything that you can imagine. Like, okay, it could be a pencil sharpener, it could be a. Obviously they have like a yeti mug. It could be a cashmere scarf. Anything you can imagine. They can put a master's emblem on it. And you are grabbing at it.

[B]

Yeah. Like, Jeff bought like a tchotchke, like a.

[A]

Well, he bought the gnome, which is a very famous thing to get at

[B]

the masters, but I couldn't get an umbrella. Where are you going to put the gnome?

[A]

It's on our bar in our basement right now. I know, I don't. Don't ask. Don't ask. But he blacked out. He went at 6am to get the fucking gnome because he Couldn't get it on the first day because they were sold out.

[B]

I've never seen Jeff wake up that early to like for anything.

[A]

No, nothing. Not for Christmas morning. No. Not if you. Even if I put bacon on the. On the second, you know, in. In two of the ovens in our kitchen, he would just. Wouldn't wake up to that aroma.

[B]

No. But he went for a fricking gnome.

[A]

A lawn gnome, A master's lawn gnome.

[B]

He's gonna have to break that down in therapy later.

[A]

I know we're have to talk about that. So anyways, we got the tickets, we got ours from some players and you got yours from.

[B]

I came into tickets at the last minute scumming my way left and right through two days from a very good friend of mine. Just had a last minute ticket just fall into my lap on Tuesday before the. Before the game. Match, tournament, whatever it's fucking called. I don't know, the game, the game. And then I flew there with maybe a ticket for Friday. And then we got there and we locked it in.

[A]

After dinner, we locked it in and we contacted the people who were running the Masters tournament who reached out to us last year to take photos of us. And they, they did not respond.

[B]

They literally didn't respond until the game had ended, whatever match. And they were said, hope it went well.

[A]

Yeah. But I did notice that the social media team did find us and they were like, oh, we really want to do videos of y'. All.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

But they hesitated because I think they were about to say, but we've been told not to, which I didn't give them anything but amazing material last year.

[B]

I thought we were. We had the best time.

[A]

We had the best time. We were also so great. Sorry we're like letting people know a little bit behind the curtain.

[B]

Also sorry that we're extremely photogenic and maybe we're not the target demographic, but we're bringing new eyes. Fresh eyes, fresh dollars.

[A]

Fresh dollars. Maybe they wanted people that looked a little more athletic. I don't know. Maybe they wanted.

[B]

No, because golf is like one of the sports where there are bigger dudes.

[A]

And can I tell you, some of the biggest dudes end up being the best. And that's why I like. Golf is approachable because even if you have a big rummy Dom, you can still hit the shit out of that ball.

[B]

You could swing that club, honey.

[A]

You can swing that club. Now a lot of people were asking me because when Jon, who won the Masters, we were in the photos and we'll get to how we scomped our way into those seats. But everybody was saying, did you notice how Jon Rahm rested the golf club on under his grundle? Like, under his dick? And I'm like, ladies, lay off it.

[B]

He won.

[A]

He won.

[B]

Like, relax. He just. He set it there for a second.

[A]

If you don't think that if I win an Oscar, I'm gonna just put that stuff in, Put the Oscar in between my titties and rest it on my tummy, you're out of your mind. Yeah.

[B]

You're gonna be at the Vanity Fair Oscar party, statue between your tits, smoking a long cig, eating the In N Out burger. Because you know they serve In N Out burger. And you're going to be lounging in

[A]

a chair, double fisting, animal style. Relaxing. Yeah, Everybody relax.

[B]

It's a safe place to keep it.

[A]

I know. Everyone was up in arms. So now, Ray, let's get into how we scommed to be basically in the. The associated winning shot.

[B]

The winning shot in a moment of sports history.

[A]

Associated Press. Yes. How do we get those seats?

[B]

So a very good friend of mine goes early. You can bring your chairs to the Masters, but they have to be specific ones, like teeny tiny, like baseball chairs, but there's no arms. And you can set. You have to get there at 6am to put them down. One of my good girlfriends went with her family and she put the chairs down for them, but they had to leave early to catch a flight back to la. And we ran into them on the last day again. And she said, hey, we're leaving. If y' all want to watch the end, it's really cool. Do it. And you. And I had already walked the back nine twice. I was done.

[A]

We were getting in 40,000 steps a day, easy.

[B]

My pinky toe had fallen off.

[A]

Yeah, you were wearing a pair of boots that were too small.

[B]

Yeah, I was wearing air forces that were half size too small. And it was the biggest mistake of my life.

[A]

My Nike dunks gave me full shin splints. Yeah, I had to go to Air Max's day, too. They got a wider girth.

[B]

I mean, I have orthotics in my Vans this weekend because I'm still recovering.

[A]

Yeah, this is where we're at. Yeah, the Masters. That's the thing. When we saw so many people with very obvious health problems, we're like, this is not the course for the faint of heart. There is nowhere to sit. There's no, like, cool off station. No, there's literally.

[B]

You were braving the elements yes, absolutely. It is chaos.

[A]

Even, like, by the concessions where you can get food. Their famous egg salad sandwich, the pimento cheese sandwich. There is no. There' standing room only.

[B]

Also, everything was like. Because it's just. You're just in the elements. When you're even standing at those little high tops, you're standing in full mud.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

The people were eating it left and right. I saw so many people with doo doo butt. Because they were slip, slip sliding, you know, on the golf course.

[A]

Eat. Yeah.

[B]

I'm just grateful it wasn't one of us.

[A]

I am so grateful.

[B]

It would have ruined the whole weekend.

[A]

It would have. If we would have ended up Muddy after, like, 20 minutes in, I would have cried. I would have actually cried.

[B]

No, I would have. I would have left.

[A]

Maybe they would have taken our photo if we would have been, you know, a little muddy, little rough around the edges.

[B]

Next year, we should offer to do a mud wrestling match. They'll definitely invite us back.

[A]

You know what? But we're getting our own tickets, so we don't need them. You know what I mean? We would like for, you know, there to be more photographic evidence of us there. But it's fine. We're still scumming our way.

[B]

We were there. We were at the Oak Tree. We were closing deals again.

[A]

We were closing, actually, so many deals, it's unbelievable. That's the thing, ladies, okay? If you want to. My dad always said he wanted me to play golf, who said, this will serve you so well in business. And that's one of my goals, is to get good at golf again. You know, I played in high school. I want to get great again so that then I can go out with, like, a movie exec, a TV exec, hit the back nine and close that deal. It's very impressive.

[B]

And then I want to show up just at the clubhouse to celebrate the deal that's been closed.

[A]

Exactly.

[B]

Because, you know, I'm a lady who lunches.

[A]

You're a lady who lunches. I'd love to be a lady who lunch, but for some reason, I have all these gay men riding my back for success.

[B]

Absolutely. Abso. Fruit. Ly. And I will show up in the clubhouse where there's fresh chicken salad and a sweet tea and an azalea and a transfusion, and I'm gonna black out.

[A]

Black out, black out. So back to the very, I'd say front row courtside seats, if you will.

[B]

Yeah, it was. It was a moment in history. And I honestly, what was so wild is the seats are so small and they're all touching. And me, you, Jeff, and our friend

[A]

Olivia, all broad shoulder bitches.

[B]

We're not small.

[A]

Right.

[B]

It was like four shamus in a bathtub, literally.

[A]

And the people in front of us. This one guy was so wasted. He had the hiccups.

[B]

Oh, he had the. Oh, my God. He fully had the hiccups.

[A]

And his girlfriend was beating him, like, literally punching him in the dick. She's like, quit hiccuping. Because it's very quiet. That's a wild thing. It is the most quiet sport as people are coming up and they're tapping in for birdie or whatever. On 18, it is silent. And every time somebody was about to take their last stroke, you hear this guy, like, just hammer.

[B]

Oh. I was holding my breath because I'm pre diabetic and I'm breathing so heavy these days, and I was, like, elbowing Jeff because he has a broken fucking nose. And I was like, we're gonna get kicked out.

[A]

We're in breathing. It wasn't even us.

[B]

We weren't even drunk.

[A]

We weren't.

[B]

We were on our behavior, but just our obesity is gonna get us kicked out.

[A]

Yeah. I mean, we. We. We saw Harry Styles.

[B]

We did see Harry Styles.

[A]

Yeah, we did.

[B]

That was. Honestly, I'll owe you a long time for that. Because I had walked ahead because I was in a mood.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I was like, we've been walking.

[A]

You couldn't feel your feet?

[B]

I couldn't feel my pinky toes. So I had, like, started to skied ahead. And then you yelled my name. Like, not when anyone was playing. You're like, ray not yelled, but, like, whisper yelled. And I turned around and I just locked eyes with Harry, and he had a little man bun on, and he's small.

[A]

Very petite man. Slender.

[B]

Slender.

[A]

You know, that's the thing. You see a lot of guys in Hollywood, particularly, it's. I mean, women are tiny, but guys in Hollywood are always tiny.

[B]

Yeah. Because you see him in the, like, crop tops and the tank tops, and he looks ripped and jacked, and he is very fit, but he's still little.

[A]

Little man.

[B]

He's a little guy, and he kind

[A]

of had on, like, bell bottoms. And I know that's his Luke. Like, he loves a 70s retro vibe.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

But he definitely had on, like, a bell bottom.

[B]

Golf was like, okay, Harry Styles is Harry Styles. He can do whatever the fuck he wants. But I had heard that he was a guest of a member from. That's the word on the street. The word on the streets. Everyone was a buzz on the greens about Harry Styles, and he was a guest of a member, and he had on the grossest top knot, mini man bun, half up, half down. And I go, how is that club attire?

[A]

How is that club attire? And I'm gonna tell you this right now. Had we. If we ever in the future get invited into the clubhouse, you. Do you not think that Ray and I would be going down to Studio 285 and seeing Boho Brit and having a full Augusta blowout? Like, she is the queen of hair in Augusta?

[B]

I did see her on Saturday morning to get my hair cut and, like, toned for the event because I had to put on the dog. We were in the South.

[A]

We were putting on the dog, and then the dog got us the dog. Nobody invited us into the clubhouse. No, I'm a clubhouse kind of gal.

[B]

I am able to scan my way. I can assimilate anywhere. I'm not really a clubhouse gal. You know, I'm more of a, like, back bathroom girly. You know, things go down in the back bathroom, but I can put it on.

[A]

Now, Ray, I said on the last week's episode, I introduced the idea of the Trinity Golf Club, and I did introduce my listeners to the fact that there'd be one gay a day rule. Okay? So. And you. You co. Signed on this one gay a day.

[B]

Yeah, I said bring the one gay a day. You know what I mean?

[A]

And do you think it's too much to have the gays in, like, a pin out in the. In the parking lot fighting?

[B]

Oh. Do

[A]

you know what I mean? Like, maybe we make them jello wrestle.

[B]

You're gonna make gays jello wrestle?

[A]

Yeah. Okay, but see, here's the thing. You know, you would run that whole. That whole almost. There'd be a cockfight, literally. You know what I mean? You'd run it, Ray. Don't tell me you wouldn't be out there with a clipboard and a whistle like Joe Rogan at a UFC fight.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Trying to see some dong slip out.

[B]

I'd be like Ms. Hannigan of the gays.

[A]

Exactly, exactly. So while it comes off as a little fucked up, it's also, I mean,

[B]

you know, I was a big WWF guy. I mean, I smelled what the Rock was cooking since I was 8 years old.

[A]

Listen, I've been trying to get close to him for years.

[B]

There is nothing gayer than wwe. So if I'm running a jello match at a country club in the south where almost every southern guy is a homosexual. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll probably thrive.

[A]

Yeah, I just think it'd be great. I could see you out there with a whistle in like.

[B]

I love a whistle.

[A]

We're all day. Shorts, megaphone. And you would be like the cunty one where like you get in, of course. Right. Like you're the house mom, you get to run all the shit.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

So maybe it's just you pick the one gay a day and you're like, you guys gotta fight for my affection. Figure it out.

[B]

Well, I don't need affection. I want. I need them to fight for my entertainment. You know what I mean? Cause I'm not a predatory guy. I don't want their affection. Let's just be clear.

[A]

Wait, so like gladiators?

[B]

Yes.

[A]

No. Are they twinks? Are they twinks fighting or what?

[B]

I think we'll do weight classes like college wrestling, just to keep it fair. But they can be whatever they want. It could be twinks, it could be bears, it could be, you know, you like a bigger guy, I like a medium sized guy.

[A]

I find Twinkle to be fun though. Polly Pockets.

[B]

Yeah, of course. You know, also twinks in a Speedo. There's nothing.

[A]

Yeah. And then, I don't know, it could be kind of fun because here's my thing. This is what women have had to do forever. And I'm not saying obviously gays are another minority group. We, we, we see it.

[B]

But some would argue that their minority is more intense than the female minority.

[A]

Okay, I'm not going to go tit for tat right now on who has been held down the longest because both of our rights are actually on the back burner.

[B]

At risk.

[A]

At risk. But I'm just saying it would be nice to finally have a women's only club. But we still want, we still need our gay guys there.

[B]

You know, I think that that's very inclusive.

[A]

Yeah, it is inclusive.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Even if they have to fight to the death. You guys know we're kidding. I don't want to hear a single person come for us. We're kidding. It's a joke.

[B]

There's nothing more special between a gay man and a woman's relationship. You know what I mean?

[A]

Then talking about twinks being cut and. Yeah, because exactly. If your motto these days is less is more, then shouldn't your morning routine feel the exact same way? With Merit Beauty, Their thoughtfully edited lineup is made for a fast five minute routine with easy to use makeup products that deliver a natural put together look in just a few swipes. So you don't need to be a makeup Artist to look your best. Just great makeup products at work. I love Merit. On my days when I'm running around and I want to feel put together or like rushing to the airport. And I don't want to feel like I have to do a full glam beat, but I want to feel glamorous. I use Merit. I love their foundation stick. I'm obsessed, obsessed with their glowy flush balm that just gives you this natural, healthy glow without overdoing it. Do you know that one of those was sold every 30 seconds of 20, 24? That's how good it is. Okay. And there's the minimalist. That's their foundation and concealer stick. You can just get quick coverage without layering a ton of products. And that's why I love it. And no makeup day, no problem. Merit's great skin serum is all you need. It instantly hydrates and plumps for a fresh, dewy look. And the best part of all of it is that Merit's products are clean, vegan, cruelty free, and made with nourishing skin care ingredients that leave your skin looking better long after taking your makeup off. It is time for your makeup and skincare to meet the reality of your daily routine with Merit Beauty. Right now, Merit Beauty is offering our listeners their signature makeup bag with your first [e-mail] that's M E R-I-T beauty.com to get your free signature makeup bag with your first order. Meritbeauty.com Again, that's meritbeauty.com I just got the best package in the mail and it was from Thrive Market. Dude, Thrive Market is my jam. What is Thrive Market? Well, it's a membership based online grocery and for just $5 a month, you get access to a curated selection of organic and non GMO brands. 90 plus dietary filters, weekly sales, free gifts, and peace of mind that a thousand plus ingredients are already restricted. One annual fee, priceless. Peace of mind. Dude, you can go on the website, you can put all sorts of goodies in your shopping cart. Say you're gluten free. Say you don't do dairy. Say you need this, you need that. You need a kosher. Whatever you need, you can filter it and just fill up your cart with whatever you want and it's sent directly to you. I got a box of the most delicious goodies you could ever imagine. I got gluten free everything, bagel seasoning, pretzels. I got some more poppy. I got this, I got that. It's truly a game changer. And here's the deal. Thrive Market restricts a thousand plus ingredients so you're not stressing over labels or googling every additive. Every product is curated. Organic and non GMO brands are vetted before they even hit the site. It is so easy and you have a lot of savings. Members pricing is up to 30% off plus weekly sales, plus free gifts, price matching, free delivery on qualifying orders, all in the membership. And it's just five bucks a month. The membership pays for itself and most members make it back in their first two orders. You are going to absolutely love Thrive. I cannot tell you how much I love it. It is freaking awesome. Ready to do your own spring reset? Join Thrive Market with my [e-mail] Absolutely. For $20 off your first three orders. Plus you'll get a free $60 gift. Again, that's thrivemarket.com Absolutely. Oh, we also took edibles after the Masters.

[B]

Oh, that was a good time. That was a good time.

[A]

We started to go through. We played a little game, right? It was what is if you were just an average person? Which we are. We're average people pre diabetic. We're just average people off the street. And you are getting called to join the Olympics, right? Almost like a military draft. They call you and they say, hey, you get a letter in the mail. We need you to come serve for your country.

[B]

America.

[A]

America. What could you jump into immediately? I said shot put, javelin. I could. Absolutely. It's for bigger girls. There's very few summer Olympic sports that are made for women with big tits.

[B]

That's correct. And I support your shot putting career. I think it's going to be very lucrative for the both of us. And I.

[A]

Again, again, it is Ray figuring out how my shot put career is going to make him money. Tell her that here first. So I have twinks Jello wrestling in the parking lot of my new country club.

[B]

Mine is water polo because I was a swimmer and I played water polo. I'm a bigger dude. Water polo dudes are bigger. You got to wrestle. I love a speedo. I love a man and a speedo. Yeah, we're thriving. I can hold my breath for a really long time.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

We're.

[A]

We're doing it so you could jump into that. And now if it wasn't a sport. Right. It's. We were also going around on edibles, postmasters just kind of describing things everyday. Things that we could win an Olympic gold medal at.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I said I could go into any room and get the most amount of

[B]

puppy kisses and I could like, win a telephone. A thon.

[A]

I could also probably win a telephone.

[B]

Like people. That's people's nightmare.

[A]

We talk on the phone all the time.

[B]

All the time. I would love to talk on the phone. I could talk on the phone for 24 hours. You know, you always see those charity things where it's like, JLo's talk answering the phone. I'm like, I can't wait to be

[A]

asked to do that for, like, a blood drive.

[B]

Like, I don't want to call people and ask for donations. I want them to call in an offer. I don't want to do that. I'm not gonna. I couldn't win a gold medal getting people to donate, but I could get a gold medal and talking all night long receiving donations.

[A]

You know what you'd be great at? Running the hotline for, like, the Home shopping network.

[B]

Oh, 100.

[A]

As people are calling in, you could literally be like, Miranda, Miranda from Missouri. How are you? Yeah.

[B]

Switchboard.

[A]

Oh, running. Marvelous. Ms. Maisel, will ya run in the switchboard also?

[B]

Mad Men. Remember the three ladies in the closet who did the little.

[A]

The switchboard.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

We've come really far, technologically speaking.

[B]

I. I miss a rotary phone, though.

[A]

I miss a house phone.

[B]

I know I almost got one when I moved to New York because It was only $5 more.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And everyone said that that was a waste of $5 because they know how poor I am.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Or was. And I regret it every day.

[A]

You know what I had with that I thought was just the coolest thing ever? I had that clear phone.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

With the. With the site phone, the loose sight phone.

[B]

You could see the switchboard on it.

[A]

You could see all this, the inner workings of the telecommunication community. Yeah. And then it had, like, the red curly Q.

[B]

Long. The long cord.

[A]

The long cord.

[B]

Yeah. And then you walk around with it like Carrie Bradshaw in your underwear.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

I wish I had it. And you know what?

[A]

And you felt like you're in the babysitters club calling your best friends.

[B]

Yes.

[A]

Oh, my God.

[B]

I would do so much better with that.

[A]

What's something else, like, random that you'd be really good at? Oh, you're really good at calling places and getting in places.

[B]

Oh, yeah, Reservations.

[A]

I mean, obviously we scum our way through to the Masters, the most exclusive golf tournament in the world, but you're really great at reservations. What is the magic sauce to getting into places?

[B]

Because when you call, I think it's just like establishing a relationship immediately.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

Because if you talk to people like you know them you're in charge. Yeah. They have to help you. They will.

[A]

I always say, like, if I'm calling to get a reservation somewhere, right? And then somebody answers the phone, I'm like, what was your name? Emily. Emily, hey, how are you? It's Heather McMahon. Hope you're doing well. That usually my name carries no weight. Nobody knows who I am. No, no, no, no. The weight, the name. But if you call back their name three times, there's an interpersonal situation where something clicks and they're like, you know what? I'm gon try and get you in.

[B]

Yeah. In New York, I, like, will make sure to meet them when I meet them in person. You know what I mean? Once I get in, I'm like, I have to meet you. I have to know what's going on. We're good to go.

[A]

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell them that their. Their glam looks good. You know what I mean? Like, oh, my God, a winged eyeliner. Yes. Bitch.

[B]

Also, I haven't done this yet because recovering from my financial collapse last year of retiring early. But I had a friend once tell me that if you send a Christmas card to your three favorite managers in restaurants in New York, you'll never have a problem getting in.

[A]

Oh, wow, that's a good idea.

[B]

Yeah. Stop sending Christmas gifts to your cousin's baby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Start sending them to restaurant managers.

[A]

And that's how you're gonna get an 8 o' clock reservation on a Saturday night. Game, weekend, Super Bowl. Okay.

[B]

Amen.

[A]

A men. Another thing I'd be really good at is. Let me think. I'm really good at schlepping. I can carry 55 bags.

[B]

Well, that again, goes back to the shop. Putting.

[A]

Yes.

[B]

You just put a lot on your. You're getting a lot of weight on your back.

[A]

I can do physically, yes. Emotionally, I'm great at moving furniture. That is something that I'm very proud of. I'm. I'm fantastic. Like, I enjoy it. If somebody's like, hey, can you help me move this bed, you know, down a flight of stairs, I'm like, thank you for asking and thinking of me, you know, I don't want to do more than, like, one heavy lift, but I'm really good at rearranging furniture and lifting heavy things and schlepping. We. We've thought many times that instead of the Comeback Tour, this should just be called the Schlepping Tour, because that's. I feels like sometimes that's all we do.

[B]

Well, that is all we do. I mean, we have. We. We Found joy.

[A]

We found joy.

[B]

But we schlep. I mean, even today, getting here was a schlep.

[A]

I do think I'm good at finding joy in any situation. Glass half full bitch over here.

[B]

You really have been. But I don't know if it's real.

[A]

What do you mean?

[B]

Sometimes I'm like, are you okay? And you're like, I'm fine. I'm fine. I'm so fine. Everything is fine. And I'm like, you just spiraled. You collapsed, and physically you're broken. So your hair's falling out, you have no eggs left. You're exhausted.

[A]

Like, I don't know, but it's mind over matter. I'm like the roadrunner with 65 bags. We're gonna make our flight. Let's just fucking go. Yeah, we are in the Kansas City Hotel Indigo right now.

[B]

Yeah, we are.

[A]

And man, oh, man, check in was a doozy.

[B]

Yeah, we got here after check in time and no rooms were ready. There's 30 girlies in the lobby, which I hope they make it to the show.

[A]

I hope they made it to the show. There were girls just literally with full on, like ring lights doing their makeup at the bar because nobody could get

[B]

into their room in the lobby.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I feel bad. Like, we didn't. We scummed our way into our rooms. We did not get preferential treatment. I don't think we did. We just.

[A]

We didn't. But I had a lot of gift bags waiting for us at the front, so I think that may have helped.

[B]

Well, and I created a connection with the woman at the front desk.

[A]

You did? Checked in and what did you say?

[B]

I can't give away all my secrets.

[A]

Well, I noticed that she had a lighter in her hand, so I was like, like, do you need a smoke? You know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We kind of, like tapped into our vices. You know what I mean? Like, is that a. Is that a parliament? You know what I mean? She's like, oh, yeah, I smoke those two girl.

[B]

Yeah, yeah, it's. Yeah, it's a vibe, but, you know, that's. That's what we do. I don't know what else I could do. I could win a medal at.

[A]

You know what I'm really great at doing? Not planning meals properly so that I eat in time for things. That is a downfall. But that's something that I'm very good at. Like running out the door in the morning and not having time to get a meal.

[B]

I could win a gold medal at finding something in disorganization. Like nothing makes sense in my house, organization wise. But I'll know exactly where I left something, you know what I mean? For four years, Like, I cleaned out all the boxes under my bed the other day and I knew exactly every T shirt in every box.

[A]

Well, it's like me carrying around the SD card for this podcast. Okay. I carried around in a Ziploc bag for a week in la. Then I put it in a breath mint tin. And today where was it? At the bottom of my LL Bean bag. And I was panicking. I was like, I know this fudgeing thing fell out of this lo bean bag and it's just going to be somewhere in the Kansas City airport, which

[B]

doesn't seem like smart, babe, because it's going to get damaged.

[A]

It is damaged, okay? If anybody listens to this fucking podcast, it's probably fucking terrible. I'm damaged goods, okay? I'm just keeping it on brand.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

I'm good at throwing so much shit in a purse and just jingle jangling my way through life.

[B]

That's another thing I can do. I am the kind of bitch that will carry all 10 grocery bags and one tray.

[A]

It. I think everyone does that.

[B]

Yeah. I can't. I'm not doing.

[A]

I'm never going back.

[B]

I can. I can carry multiple things at once.

[A]

That's me schlepping.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

You're like, okay, we can't check a bag. I have 65 pairs of go go boots. I'm gonna figure it the out.

[B]

Oh, yeah. I've like carried bags under big coats.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You know what I mean?

[A]

Yeah. Like you're coming to America and you gotta like hide. Hide a relative. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[B]

I remember Rihanna's big Met gala dress. The Chinese whatever it was. I remember thinking, man, the amount of luggage I could hide under that.

[A]

Or like if we went shoplifting. Yeah. Love getting lost in a great book, but can't find the time in between day to day responsibilities and constant distractions. Well, I've teamed up with World of Hyatt to spread the word on their upcoming reading retreats that blend the upscale outdoor scapes with uninterrupted reading time. Created in collaboration with with Reese's Book Club and under Canvas, World of Hyatt's Camp Unwritten invites travelers and book lovers to step into the story with limited time upscale outdoor experiences. Join the Reese's Book Club community to be a part of a cozy campfire conversation and curated book experiences in Yosemite or Moab throughout the two night glamping stay through World of Hyatt. You will get the chance to connect with best selling authors, enjoy story inspired programming and outdoor adventures like hiking and share meaningful moments at Under Canvas, Yosemite and Uloom Moab. Each camp is inspired by a different genre from romance to thriller and is a chance to unplug and connect with book lovers through the stories you love. Romance readers can immerse in upscale safari style accommodations at the newly opened under canvas Yosemite from May 4 through 6. Thriller readers can head to Uloom Moab from June 8th through 10th where the dramatic Red Rocks desert sets the stage for a suspense inspired stay again. You can learn more about camp unwritten under limited time [e-mail] have you ever been overwhelmed and you want to start investing but you really don't know where to start and you're like what is even money? What is time and space? How do I even focus on this? Well, you need to check out Acorns. It is a wellness financial app that will honestly help you figure out where your money is going tomorrow. And with the Acorns potential screen, you can find out what your money is capable of. Acorns is a smart way to give your money a chance to grow. 1. Acorns is easy. You can sign up in minutes and start automatically investing your spare money. Even if all you've got is spare change. Acorns grows with you whether you're just starting out or thinking about settling down. Acorn supports your big and small goals across every life stage. The Acorn's Potential screen shows you the power of compounding and how your money could grow over time. Plus, you can quickly adjust how much you're investing every day, week or month to make sure you're building towards your goals. Acorns is all in one. No more finance apps cluttering up your phone with Acorns. You can invest, save and give your money a chance to grow in one trusted place. Sign up now and Acorns will boost your new account with a $5 bonus. Investment join the over 14 million all time customers who have already saved invested over $27 billion with Acorns. Head to acorns.com absolutely or download the Acorns app to get started. Paid non client endorsement compensation provides incentive to positively promote acorns. Tier 2 compensation provided potential subject to various factors such as customers, accounts age and investment setting does not include Acorns fees. Results do not predict or represent the performance of any Acorns portfolio. Investment results will vary Investing involves risk. Acorns Advisors LLC and SEC registered investment advisor. View important [e-mail] Absolutely. Most healthy ice cream pints have let us down. Yeah, you heard that right. You've been promised indulgence but end up disappointed. Better for you should not mean worse taste or unmet cravings. And we've played along. We've taken bites and pretended it was fine, but it wasn't. It is time to ditch the freezer frauds. Yazzo is the real deal, baby. Yazzo took everything you loved about ice cream and upgraded it with a creamy frozen Greek yogurt. The best of both worlds. Delicious ice cream taste and better for you. Nutrition. It's available in bars, Chocolate Crunch bars, sandwiches, Poppables. And Yasso just released and launched new spoonables which each have around 400 calories and 19 grams of protein per container. Now through April 30, Yasso is giving away 40,000 of their new spoonables. Yes, you heard that right. So you head to yasso.com absolutely to enter and upgrade your freezer. That's y-a s s o.com absolutely to enter and find full giveaway details, rules and regulations. Find new Yasso spoonables at grocery stores near you. Again, visit yaso.com absolutely to enter and upgrade your freezer. That's y-a s s o.com absolutely to enter and find full giveaway details, rules and regulations. I'm really in a shoplifting tick tock right now because that's something I don't think I could ever do.

[B]

Shoplifting TikTok.

[A]

There's a store in Portland and they have. And they're like being very aggressive, I guess. There's a big crime problem right now

[B]

in Portland, Maine or Oregon.

[A]

Oregon.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. Which we're going to soon. We have tickets on sale at heather on tour.com and there's this one store in Portland that keeps showing all the people that are shopping and they're like, I mean, these people are savvy. And the owners and managers of this place will just literally like lift up someone's skirt and there's like 45 fucking collared shirts on a rack hanging from their pussy.

[B]

And they get shamed.

[A]

And they get shamed and they're usually just throw their hands up. They're like, darlene, you're back again. Like, these people go over and over

[B]

to the same store places have like corporate policies where they can't chase the shoplifter. Right?

[A]

Yeah. My mom worked at Banana Republic for like 20 years. And she would get called into HR all the time because she would chase people out into the mall by the food court. She'd get all the way to the Auntie Ann's pretzels shop and be like, give me the freaking cashmere sweaters back. And they're like, first of all, Robin, you're the oldest employee at this Banana Republic. Like. Like, this is like, we're going. This is a liability on us. Yeah. Robin would yell or. So finally, once she got so many stern talkings, too, she would just go up to people and she'd say, do you want a pair of argyle socks with that sweaty. You just stole? And would just try and, like, psychologically manipulate them.

[B]

Yeah, she read the Art of War.

[A]

Yeah, she read. Of course she read the Art of War.

[B]

Robin's scrappy.

[A]

Robin's so scrappy.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

And I think that's maybe what we've learned from. I've learned a lot from her. It's like, how to get into places.

[B]

You know, A lot of people kept asking us at the Masters why we didn't bring Robin, and it's because she's too scrappy. Scrappy.

[A]

Too scrappy.

[B]

She won't. She can't assimilate in that sort of situation because at the end of the day, we are master scammers. But we also know, because we're master scammers, we know how to act and, like, look like we belong.

[A]

She would. She is a master con artist, okay?

[B]

Running cons left and right.

[A]

She would have been swiping Rolex watches out of the damn Rolex tent, okay?

[B]

We would have been banned for life, and I would have been. Jeff would have killed us all.

[A]

No, Robin thrives at our country club. She would have been able to wear, like, a white linen shirt and just assimilate and be fantastic. But I don't think Robin. Again, the Masters tournament is not somewhere to go and just be legit.

[B]

Robin is the OG Scholar because the first time I met Robin in Atlanta, she stole the chicken salad from the salad bar to serve at your best friend's wedding shower.

[A]

Okay? She got a to go salad at our club and just filled the entire

[B]

to go box with, like, the whole plastic one.

[A]

With chicken salad.

[B]

With chicken salad.

[A]

And only got charged for just a regular mixed salad bar concoction.

[B]

She got, like, two quarts of chicken salad, and she tried to get your dad to do her scumming. And he goes, robyn, this is your sin. You commit it. And that was the first time I met your mom and dad and Went to their country club.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Now, mind you, I had walked downstairs, and your mom's like, you can't wear ripped jeans at the club. And I said, okay, I'll go change. And then she stole the chicken salt.

[A]

Yeah. So it's. You know, I don't like to throw stones at a glass house. And I mean, here's the thing. I am so much like Robin in the sense that we have two modes, Right. We have troll underneath the bridge, telling riddles or full glam. It's like I'm either in show mode or I am. People see me on the street and they're like, are you okay?

[B]

Yeah. People say, oh, my God, the video.

[A]

People throw change at me before, and I'm like, I'm just sitting here having a sandwich.

[B]

You were so cold on the shuttle today from the airport to the rental car. You were screaming about how cold you were. You looked haggard. And I was like, oh, my God. People are going to give her a blanket, like, yeah, she's going to get a medical blanket, like, from the marathon. Someone was going to come wrap you

[A]

in a marathon, like a foil blanket,

[B]

give you food from the Dunkin Donuts. I was like, this bitch does not look good. I hope we don't see anyone.

[A]

My teeth are like. I was just. We're in so many different climates. It was 85 degrees yesterday in Minneapolis.

[B]

Yeah. And I checked the weather, and I thought it wasn't going to be that. That what it is today. But whatever. Prepare for the worst, I guess.

[A]

Prepare for the worst and be surprised.

[B]

Yeah. That's what we did for the Masters. I. I mean, I didn't even have tickets the Monday before.

[A]

And we showed up and we did it.

[B]

Showed up and we did it.

[A]

You know, we got to talk about the Minneapolis show real quick. We were. There were loose titties in the audience.

[B]

I was accosted. I so was. I suffered a hate crime. Some would say there was a woman

[A]

on the front row who just got her tits done and love to see it. Love to the support.

[B]

I am not body shaming her. I'm not. This is not that. But, Pooja, what is this behavior?

[A]

Yes. Ray walked out on stage. Both titties came out.

[B]

She flashed me, and I choked on my water. And then she flashed me again.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And I was like, this is not. There's a. There's a married man sitting next to you.

[A]

Yeah. And then I walked out and I said, who flashed Ray? And then. Shouldn't have asked it. Wrong question. And then there were two. Areolas in my face.

[B]

Face.

[A]

Yeah. Huh.

[B]

She would have jumped on stage and motorboated you if you could. If she could, yeah. But that is not what you're supposed to do.

[A]

And here was my thing. So then halfway through, I'm like 15 minutes into the set, and I look down and there's a full areola out. And I just said, ma', am, now the areola is still out. Like, I knew that the security guard was just straight up, like, boner in the corner, staring at this full job, you know? And I always know when there's a cool breeze next to my titty. Like, that is one thing I'm very aware of is knowing if my. My. My tit has left. It's. It's.

[B]

You know, I'm not great with breeze, which is why you saw my testicle.

[A]

I did see Ray's testicle in San Antonio. He came into my hotel room. We were eating chimichangas, and I said, sweetheart, you got a little pink dumpling that's sticking out of your shorts.

[B]

And honestly, we've never been closer.

[A]

We've never been closer. I'll show you my date later if that's what you want to say.

[B]

I don't. I. So I don't want to see that.

[A]

It was a pink dumpling. That's all I can describe it. You know, like a nice little soup dumpling. Like, that's, you know, like, kind of

[B]

got a taste of it because they're actually pretty big. But that's not here north.

[A]

So I only got half dumpling, but

[B]

you got like a third.

[A]

Wow. You got big nuts.

[B]

We don't need to talk about it.

[A]

Okay, well, we were with our. One of our friends the other day who has a.

[B]

No, we can't talk about this. I'm a lady. I'm going to be the next. I'm going to be the first lady at the White House one day.

[A]

Okay, we can't talk about friends.

[B]

Big penises.

[A]

But we do have to have a quick psa. If you guys are coming to the shows and you're sitting on the first two rows, do me a favor, come get locked in and enjoy the show. The last couple shows, I've had people so blackout drunk on the first two rows that every 30 seconds they're getting up to get a drink, they have to be escorted out by security to, like, go to the bathroom. Somebody's about to blow chunks. We're starting to move in back in the direction of, like. We haven't been let out of the house in like, six months. And the audiences have been amazing, and I'm so grateful. And this really comes from, like, a place of love. But last night's show in Minneapolis, it was like.

[B]

You know what I mean? It was tough. Well, here's the thing. I think that people forget that, like, we're gonna make you have fun anyway.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

You don't need the two extra drinks.

[A]

You don't need it.

[B]

You're gonna have just as much. And here's the thing. We'll go to shows, we go to Broadways, we go to comedies.

[A]

I have a glass of wine.

[B]

We have a glass or two of wine. But you also don't want to get too many drinks because then you're. I hate. I can't go to the movies and then get up twice and miss part of it. I need to see the whole thing. And then I'm lost.

[A]

And then I'm lost. I'm confused. You're not gonna get the callback joke. And also, why are you spending all this money?

[B]

Might miss my testicle.

[A]

You might. Might miss a loose titty. I just don't understand why people spend money to then go to things and

[B]

not remember and then just be in the bathroom and.

[A]

Yeah. Doodooing or vomiting. This woman went up to Chris at the soundboard and almost blew chunks on him. And he was like, what's happening here? And then they're still hanging around for the meet and greet. I'm like, go to sleep. Go home. Go to sleep. Go to sleep.

[B]

Go get some liquid IVs.

[A]

Go, please.

[B]

Get some nutrients.

[A]

Get some nutrients. Just fucking chillax.

[B]

Yeah.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you're gonna. People are gonna be like, how was it? And you're not gonna remember.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And it's a good time.

[A]

It's a great time. And if you're not remembering taking your titties out at the show, that's also something we need to talk about.

[B]

And listen, this is not us encouraging you to flash me. I don't want to see Boo.

[A]

I do. I like seeing them.

[B]

No, but that's going to encourage bad behavior.

[A]

You're right. I'm not trying to encourage any bad behavior.

[B]

No, I don't want to see them. I respect them. I'm happy for you guys. They're God's gift to females. I guess.

[A]

But if you had a huge hog, let us know.

[B]

Yeah, just. You can let me know. You just, like, wink or, like, grab it over your crotch. But you don't need to show it to me.

[A]

We don't want anybody getting arrested for indecency.

[B]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

[A]

Yeah. Also, big shout out to Amy, my flight attendant from Delta who flew me up from Atlanta to Minneapolis. She was incredible. Just want to give a big shout out to Amy, who works for Delta. It was a lovely flight. I was sitting around a cast of characters. The lady who was sitting next to me was a funeral parlor director, and she did embalming, and she told me all about that. Then the two people behind me got in a fight over headphones. So it was really touch and go.

[B]

I got to be honest. Honest. I've had a lot of hot Delta pilots lately. I want to be, like, a bachelor of Delta pilots.

[A]

Wasn't there a bachelor who was a Delta pilot?

[B]

Well, he was just a pilot. He actually was Pilot Pete or something. Oh, he was a pilot, too? Well, he was like a. I think he was like one of those guys who does like all the airlines because he does, like, regional. I don't know if he was ever

[A]

assigned to, like, a. Oh, a commercial airline.

[B]

Got it.

[A]

Okay.

[B]

No, but there was one before that, too, who was an officer and a gentleman. He was a pilot in, like, the army or the Navy. But no, I mean, like, there should be a dating show for all the pilots because there's so many pilots.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And you know what? I can. Here's another thing. I went to Gold Medal at spotting whether or not somebody's wearing a wedding ring. Oh, I can do it in three seconds.

[A]

Can I tell you? I'm really good at spotting fake tits or toupees. I can spot if you've got a glued on, you know, little top hat or if you just got your tits done, whether they're 10 years fresh or two months fresh. I can spot correct. I can spot a fake titty.

[B]

Yeah. I can notice a guy's wedding ring, his bulge, and, you know, his teeth.

[A]

You know what I'm also good at? If, like, we're on a road trip, I'm really good at getting people to honk. Like, the truckers to honk. You know what I mean? I flashed a trucker before. I thought that was fun. I did.

[B]

What?

[A]

How old were you? We were going to spring break in college. In college. I definitely flashed his trucker one time. Could have caused a absolute 600 car pile up on the highway on the way to Destiny. Yeah, that was a wild thing I did once. You know, Mary Beth has called me out. You've called me out that I'm no fun anymore because I work all the time and I'M a no fun. No fun Nancy.

[B]

I didn't say you're no fun. I just said you used to be more fun.

[A]

Okay, well, what do you think I can do to be more fun?

[B]

I don't know. Just have, like, more fun.

[A]

Should I start flashing truck drivers? Like, what do you want me to do?

[B]

Yeah, Flash.

[A]

It's not because I got married because I barely see Jeff.

[B]

No, it's just because you, like, became an older, whiter lady.

[A]

How have I become whiter than I was before? I actually think I have a lot of cool street cred because I wear Nikes now.

[B]

Well, that's what a white girl would say.

[A]

You know what we're trying.

[B]

No, I think because, I don't know,

[A]

you just got older, so now you're an ageist.

[B]

No, I'm not an ageist. I'm just saying it's wild to me that you don't go out as much as you should because you don't have kids, you know? And you. You have the funds and the means to do more things.

[A]

Okay, but here's the thing. We never get a day off. We work all the time. So when I do get a day off, I want to not speak to anybody and just lay under like, you

[B]

should be going to concerts. You should go to plays. You should do fun stuff.

[A]

When can we go to concerts? We work every fucking Friday and Saturday night.

[B]

Not every Friday and Saturday night. And I was. There's concerts during the week.

[A]

Okay, well, this summer is my summer of fun because I don't have a show after Radio City. I don't have a show till Vegas in August 19th.

[B]

You know what? If your tits don't end up on TMZ this summer, then you didn't have fun.

[A]

I'm gonna go to somebody's lake house and jet ski around the. The inlet topless. Okay, I'm trying to think of lake topography.

[B]

You're in Wicks.

[A]

You know, the. I'll go to the shallow end. What? The. I need some, like, lake phrases.

[B]

I don't know lake phrases, but I know there's lakes.

[A]

I'm gonna go by the dock. I'm gonna roll up to the dock with no top on.

[B]

Oh, my God. Can you belly flop into it?

[A]

Okay. No. Ow. Because my titties are just so low right now that it would hurt. It would hurt the titties worse.

[B]

What if we both belly flop?

[A]

I don't want a belly flop. No one wants to see either of us belly flop.

[B]

What if we find a lake with

[A]

the blob with the blob. Oh, that would be fun. You know, I never went to outdoors camp. I only went to theater camp.

[B]

I didn't go to any camps because I didn't grow up with money.

[A]

Oh, that's right. I'm sorry about that. Well, guess what?

[B]

Like, education camps. It was summer school for the gifted and talented for the men's level. Smart.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

And so we do, like, earth science and art and solar science.

[A]

I was tap dancing my way to camper. The camper of the week every year. So, you know, I was a star early on in my. In my childhood.

[B]

Would win a lot because, like, you were kind of funny looking.

[A]

I definitely think that, you know, my gap teeth and the childhood obesity and the bowl cut definitely, you know, tugged at the heartstrings of the counselors, of the judges making the decisions. But it's because I gave my all. I did an African dance class, and I was so good at it, and I really gave my all. And I was probably, like, the only white kid in the African dance class.

[B]

Okay.

[A]

Yeah. At Atlanta Workshop Players, which was my acting camp, which I'm pretty sure the people who ran Atlanta Workshop Players like, did tax fraud or something.

[B]

Oh, my God.

[A]

Yeah. Yeah, I think that came up recently. But anyways, anyways, I absolutely won. And I remember my dance teacher being like, I've never seen a chubbier kid just lean into this African dance class. And I gave it my all.

[B]

That's the thing you do give it your all.

[A]

I give everything my all. So you know what? This is why it's going to be a slippery slope. Because if you guys want me to party this summer, it's all or nothing. It's either I'm off the grid or I'm on the fucking, you know, edge of the bar with my pussy out popping and ordering everyone's shots.

[B]

That's all I want.

[A]

Are we going to stay stateside this summer? Are we going to bop over to Europe? What are we doing?

[B]

We're going to do both.

[A]

I think I would really love to go to Europe, but I just. It last. Last summer almost did me in.

[B]

Yeah, I don't think we can go during June or July, but those are the only times we have.

[A]

That's the only time we have off. We don't have any time off.

[B]

We're gonna have to go to other

[A]

places, like lakes, which I'm not even a big lake fan, but I'm willing to go to lakes.

[B]

I love a lake.

[A]

You love a lake?

[B]

Yeah, because, you know, there's no critters in there.

[A]

What are you talking about? Lakes are riddled with critters.

[B]

No, there's no, like, sharks, stingrays.

[A]

Never been worried about a sea creature once. Okay, I am. I just don't want delusional. Do you know what's in lakes? Catfish, snakes in the lakes that you go to.

[B]

The dirty poo poo brown ones like Lake Oconee. That's not in the Lake Oconee is

[A]

beautiful, but yes, Georgia lakes are not crystal clear.

[B]

They're brown.

[A]

Oh, okay. Well, sorry we don't have a house in Tahoe. This bitch.

[B]

We can go to, like, a lake in Canada.

[A]

You know what we'd really like? We would really like a. To be able to scom our way into the Yellowstone Club. We would to like, like to scum our way into some sort of Jackson Hole moment. So if anybody has a retreat there and wants to invite Ray and I to be a good time, this is going to be the summer of pussy popping and letting our hair down. Because apparently I'm not fun enough anymore. So if you want to see a good time or just blackmail us, invite us to your ranch.

[B]

Yeah, we're a good time. And ask anyone that met us at the Masters.

[A]

Such a good time.

[B]

Such a good time. We had the best time. We did it again. I love our Masters family.

[A]

Yes. And one day we're gonna try and scan our tickets to go into the gate and they're gonna have a. They're gonna say, not allowed.

[B]

No. They're gonna, like, body check us. They're just gonna tackle us.

[A]

But why? We've never done anything illegal.

[B]

No.

[A]

People get kicked out for, like, sneaking in their phones. Like, you can't. We have never done. We just are glamorous.

[B]

We are. And I'm a loud person and I was so quiet.

[A]

We are so quiet.

[B]

And I'm so respectful.

[A]

So actually, I think we. What we're looking for is just a little bit more respect from the golf community.

[B]

Yes, respect.

[A]

We're an ally.

[B]

Yeah. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I'm a golf gay now.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

Oh, God, I almost just choked on that.

[A]

Golf gays. They'll be one of them at our country.

[B]

What's embarrassing, as I was checking the scores for the thing this weekend.

[A]

I know, because you're dialed in.

[B]

Because we've got friends now. We've got friends.

[A]

We're rooting for people.

[B]

Yeah, we're rooting for people, but we're going to protect their privacy.

[A]

Yeah, we will protect their privacy because they May not want to be associated with us.

[B]

They are. They absolutely do not know us in public.

[A]

No. But you know what? We thrive and support them. And at the end of the day, you can love from afar. And I'll be loving everybody from afar at, you know, this summer. Let me know if you want to invite Ray and I to any of your exclusive country clubs across the country, any of your beach resorts. We already. Beach clubs. Nantucket. We'd love a Nantucket invite.

[B]

Moment. Moment.

[A]

Yeah.

[B]

So if we're gonna.

[A]

The Hamptons. Actually, we're really looking for a Hamptons house. Yeah.

[B]

After Radio City.

[A]

So if anybody has a Hamptons house, we would like to be.

[B]

Also, I'm not gonna tell anything, but we just figured some stuff out for Radio City and it's gonna be the show of our lives.

[A]

Okay, guys, I don't think you realize that we are really taking advantage of everything that Radio City has to offer. And I'm just gonna leave that little nugget there. I'll let you try and figure it out. But when I say the Radio City show, it is going to be like no show you've ever seen. Like, yes, I am on the Comeback tour. I am giving you vibes, I'm giving you glitter, I'm giving you laugh after laugh after laugh. But this show at Radio City is going to be so blackout balls to the walls, you don't even want to miss it.

[B]

You do not want to miss it.

[A]

So get your tickets at Heather on tour dot com. Ray is opening. It's going to be insane. It's going to be New York City. We might even have Giuliani show. You know who I'd love to have in the audience? The Rat Zone.

[B]

Oh, hell yeah.

[A]

Yeah, the new rats are.

[B]

Yeah. Well, I gotta have her check every nook and cranny of Radio City.

[A]

I mean, I'm sure it's spotless back there, but it is still an old theater. Yeah, you know, it's New York's finest. Yeah, I mean, we've seen plenty. Ratatouille's in the back of theaters. That's just theater life.

[B]

Also, having the rats are in your back pocket in New York. Is that key. That's scumming, that is.

[A]

Talk about scumming.

[B]

Oh, you're not getting me into the restaurant. I'm funny. Because the rats are. Is going to have a quick visit to you tomorrow. That's how you get in.

[A]

I'm trying to get into 4 Charles. Yeah, might have to make a little phone call to the rat Czar. And shut this down if you're not getting me in. Yeah, I hear that. All right, guys, as always, I wanted to bring you the hot take on how we scummed our way into the Masters. I don't even know if we told you the story.

[B]

I don't even know, but we got it and we went.

[A]

Listen, we're in Kansas City right now, okay? We got 10 minutes, so we have to be on stage. So we're doing the most. But I love you. I mean it, Ray. Thank you for being here.

[B]

You can find me on Venmo. I love you. Goodbye.

[A]

Goodbye. We will see you on the next episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. Please call into the hotline [phone] and we'll see you next time. A Reverend Archie. Ciao, Bella. See you at Radio City. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.