Replay: Master Scammers Part 2 with Raymond Padilla - Absolutely Not

Transcript

A (0:00)

The following podcast is a dear media production, welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I know that you've been just waiting on the edge of your seat, really, to hear about the full Masters golf tournament rundown and how Ray and I scommed our way back in to the golf world. So not only have we come back with a vengeance, but we are ready to tell our side of the story. So here it is. Without further ado, Master Scommers part.

B (0:59)

Do I feel like the Avengers? Like, we came back fighting?

A (1:03)

We came back fighting.

B (1:04)

Yeah.

A (1:05)

For war.

B (1:05)

Because we weren't invited originally.

A (1:07)

We were not invited. We were invited the first year and then somehow did not get re.

B (1:15)

We don't know if it was what we did at the Masters, even though we were on our best behavior last year.

A (1:18)

First of all, we did nothing but promote it. I would say lift it up on the wings of an angel.

B (1:25)

Yeah. We brought eyes to that thing that were never on it before.

A (1:28)

Yeah. My audience is not necessarily golf gals, and now they are. So the fact that I tapped into a market that was an untapped market before, you know, it was basically like finding a geyser in the middle of the woods. You're welcome.

B (1:44)

Honestly, you're welcome. Because there's nobody that spends more money than white women. And you brought them to the Masters.

A (1:48)

I brought them to the Masters, and I ran into a lot of those gals in the merch tent where we all blacked out and spent thousands of dollars in, like, 10 minutes.

B (1:56)

It was Black Friday. I felt like I was at Black Friday, and I walked in saying, I'm only buying two hats. I'm only buying two hats. One for a friend and one for my mom, and I walked out hundreds of dollars later.

A (2:06)

Summary

Absolutely Not Podcast
Replay: Master Scammers Part 2 with Raymond Padilla
Date: April 10, 2026
Host: Heather McMahan
Guest: Raymond Padilla

Episode Overview

This episode of the "Absolutely Not" podcast reunites comedian Heather McMahan with her close friend Raymond Padilla for a hilarious, no-holds-barred debrief of their bold (and self-described “scummy”) adventures at the Masters golf tournament. From navigating the exclusive chaos of the merch tent to orchestrating VIP seating and recounting their antics before, during, and after the tournament, Heather and Ray serve up their signature blend of sardonic humor, wild storytelling, and genuine friendship. The conversation veers from golf culture and retail scrappiness to friendship dynamics, party advice, and life lessons in the art of joyful, rule-bending living.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

The Masters: From Unwanted to Unstoppable (00:00–09:07)

Heather and Ray recount how they went from being welcomed at the Masters one year to uninvited the next, despite promoting the event to a new demographic. Heather jokes about her fans—mostly women—becoming a lucrative audience for the Masters:
- “My audience is not necessarily golf gals, and now they are. It was basically like finding a geyser in the middle of the woods. You’re welcome.” (01:28, Heather)
Both discuss their obsession and mayhem in the Masters merchandise tent, likening it to “Black Friday” with rampant, almost blackout spending.
- Ray: “I walked in saying, ‘I’m only buying two hats.’ … I walked out hundreds of dollars later.” (01:56)
- Heather: “You don’t have your cell phone … so you got to get that fix. And when you don’t have social media, what is that next fix? What are you jonesing for? Materialism.” (02:50)
Describes the tent's “aesthetics” and lines, including funny, candid observations about the assortment of older men with “diabetic feet.”
- “I’ve never seen more white men with diabetic feet in my life.” (03:24, Heather)
They candidly discuss health, aging, and mobility issues among attendees, making light while showing empathy for the diabetic community.
- “If your husbands are going, do not let them wear an ankle sock with an on cloud shoe… We got to get the sock ratio right.” (03:44, Heather)
Legendary purchases such as the coveted Masters gnome and the FOMO surrounding pricey or rare swag.

How to Scum Your Way to the Best Seats (09:07–12:55)

The pair discuss the insider "scum" moves they used to land prime viewing for the decisive Masters’ moments:
- Securing seats through a friend who “staked” chairs early in the morning—a key Masters’ tradition.
- “She put the chairs down for them, but they had to leave early … She said, ‘Hey, we’re leaving. If y’all want to watch the end … do it.’” (09:25, Ray)
Physical toll of walking extensive grounds with inadequate footwear; lively commentary on their own and others’ fashion, comfort, and body size at the tournament.

Not Your Average Sporting Crowd (12:55–14:49)

The social and behavioral oddities of the Masters audience:
- “It was like four shamuses in a bathtub, literally.” (12:13, Heather)
- Memorable moment: A drunk fan with hiccups repeatedly disrupts play in tense silence: “His girlfriend was … punching him in the dick. She’s like, quit hiccuping. Because it’s very quiet.” (12:21, Heather)
Spotting celebrities: Ray is thrilled to see Harry Styles (“He had a little man bun on, and he’s small. Very petite man. Slender.” 13:06-13:21, Ray and Heather), and they riff about his attire at a stodgy golf club.

Theoretical Country Clubs & Queer Friendships (14:49–17:25)

Heather and Ray invent the “Trinity Golf Club” with the humorous “one gay a day” rule—and brainstorm themes like a gay jello wrestling pin.
- “You’d run it, Ray. Don’t tell me you wouldn’t be out there with a clipboard and a whistle like Joe Rogan at a UFC fight.” (15:17, Heather)
The relationship dynamic between gay men and women, inclusivity, and lighthearted reminders about the boundaries of their jokes.

Olympic Dreams, Schlepping Skills, and Everyday Gold Medals (20:54–29:07)

Post-Masters edible adventures inspire the hypothetical “average person Olympics”: which events could they, as average/plus-size adults, enter and win?
- “There’s very few summer Olympic sports that are made for women with big tits.” (21:19, Heather)
- Ray stakes his claim on water polo: “I was a swimmer and I played water polo. I’m a bigger dude.” (21:50)
Everyday superpowers: talking for 24 hours, running a switchboard, making phone reservations, schlepping countless bags, and navigating disorganization with uncanny recall.

Reservation Scamming, Scrappiness and Retail Tales (29:07–36:44)

Ray shares tips for getting restaurant reservations in impossible places:
- “It’s just like establishing a relationship immediately. If you talk to people like you know them, you’re in charge.” (24:10, Ray)
- “If you send a Christmas card to your three favorite managers in restaurants in New York, you’ll never have a problem getting in.” (24:54, Ray)
Heather credits her mother, Robin, as the “O.G. Scholar” of scamming, sharing stories of Robin’s strategic theft of chicken salad and no-nonsense approach to retail crime.
- “She would chase people out into the mall … by the food court … this is a liability on us.” (34:40, Heather on Robin)

Living Out Loud & Tour Antics (36:44–47:10)

Heather and Ray discuss fashion, two-modes-of-living (total glam vs. troll), and recent tour adventures (loose titties at the Minneapolis show; accidental flashing of Ray’s “pink dumpling”).
- “There were loose titties in the audience … I so was. I suffered a hate crime. Some would say.” (38:07, Heather and Ray)
Advice for live shows: “If you guys are coming to the shows and you’re sitting on the first two rows … come get locked in and enjoy the show.” (39:59, Heather)

Advice for Fun & Living More Fully (44:10–47:10)

Ray playfully calls out Heather for being “less fun now.” Heather owns her glass-half-full persona and plans to party “all or nothing” this summer.
- “If your tits don’t end up on TMZ this summer, then you didn’t have fun.” (45:23, Ray)

Lakes, Camp Stories, and Childhood Outcast Brilliance (47:10–50:00)

Discussion of summer plans, class differences in camp experiences, and Heather’s vivid memories of early performing glory at theater camp.

Final Thoughts: Manifesting More Mischief (50:00–51:56)

Heather and Ray manifest invites to country clubs, beach clubs, and exclusive retreats: “If you want to see a good time or just blackmail us, invite us to your ranch.” (48:41, Heather)
Hyping the upcoming Radio City show as “blackout, balls to the walls”: “It is going to be like no show you’ve ever seen.” (50:35, Heather)
Ray’s closing remark: “You can find me on Venmo. I love you. Goodbye.” (52:03)

Notable Quotes & Moments

“There’s nobody that spends more money than white women. And you brought them to the Masters.” (01:44, Ray)
“If your husbands are going, do not let them wear an ankle sock with an on cloud shoe. Like, we’re not doing that.” (03:44, Heather)
“Honestly, I thought it was gonna go from a golf tournament to a mass funeral.” (05:39, Ray)
“The anticipation builds up because as you’re walking in and you’re in the zigzag lines, you can just smell like the old money, you know what I mean?” (02:36, Heather)
On “schlepping”: “Instead of the Comeback Tour, this should just be called the Schlepping Tour, because that’s—I feels like sometimes that’s all we do.” (26:01, Heather)
“My dad always said he wanted me to play golf…This will serve you so well in business.” (11:12, Heather)
“You’d run it, Ray…with a clipboard and a whistle like Joe Rogan at a UFC fight.” (15:17, Heather)
“You don’t need the two extra drinks. You’re gonna have just as much fun—we’re gonna make you have fun anyway.” (40:41, Ray)

Key Timestamps

00:00–02:32 | Masters intro, being uninvited, and first merch tent impressions
02:50–05:56 | Chaos in the merch tent, wild purchases, and medical observations
09:07–12:02 | How they “scummed” seats for the winning shot
12:55–14:22 | Drunk fan disruptions and celebrity sightings (Harry Styles)
14:49–17:25 | Inventing “inclusive” country clubs and joking about club rules
20:54–24:15 | Olympic-event fantasizing and daily life superpowers
24:15–29:00 | Restaurant reservation “scumming” and tips
34:00–36:44 | Shoplifting stories, Heather's mother the “OG Scholar”
38:07–41:47 | Tour stories: loose titties, accidental flashing, live-show etiquette
44:10–47:10 | Fun advice, living out loud, and summer party goals
50:00–51:56 | Closing wishes: invitations to the Hamptons, hype for Radio City show

Episode Tone & Style

Language: Sardonic, candid, raunchy-funny, full of camaraderie and self-deprecation
Pace: Fast, conversational, anecdote-heavy
Vibe: Irreverent, unfiltered, heartfelt beneath the humor; celebration of friendship, life’s absurdities, and mischievous joy

This episode captures Heather and Ray at their wickedly funny—and relatably human—best, showing that “scumming” your way through life is really just about creative resourcefulness, connections, and having a damn good time wherever you can find it.