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- [00:00]
A
The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How the hell are you? Hope you're doing well. Hope you're doing the most. Keeping it sexy, keeping it cute. You know what I'm talking about. Back from being on the road this weekend, went to Albany, New York. Got a lot of thoughts and feelings. Albany, New York. Wow, what a time. Had a great show. The town of Albany, Hudson Valley, people came from near and far. Had people drive in four hours from Buffalo, home of the hot wing, you know what I mean? Place I'd definitely like to visit. Gotta put Buffalo on the. On the route too, but had a great time, great show. Didn't know what to expect because I've never been upstate, never been to the Albanese before. Now, granted, the show is on a Saturday, so it's very quiet, but we got there and I said, where are the peoples? It was like an episode of the Hunger Games. And I've already been feeling a little eerie, a little weary about what's going on in the world. And I feel like, you know, we're about to be in World War Three. And I mean that, like, no jokes aside, like straight up real talk, no fudgeing idea what the fuck's happening. But I mean, you know, I feel like if we watch Hunger Games, they were kind of like letting us know what's going to happen. So we show up and this theater, it's called the Egg, and it's literally like a giant egg on almost stilts. It's hard to describe. I put the photo up on Instagram, if you want to check it out. Totally built in the 70s. One of the Rockefellers was like, this is what I want to build. Somebody build it. Really gorgeous theater inside, but outside, totally fucking bizarre. And all the buildings around it are government buildings, so it looks straight out of, like, truly the Soviet Union. So it felt very like everyone had been taken. Left behind series. I don't know if you went to Christian youth Camp like the rest of us did, and you had to read the Left behind series that literally left you up at night. You were like 11 years old, fucking panicking. Like, I would wake up in a hot and cold fucking sweat. When I was 11 years old, panicking that everybody in my family was taken. And I wasn't taken too. I was Left behind, even though I was a good Christian girl. And I'm like, this is honestly a little too aggressive for children to read. Like, I'm already saved in the blood, you know what I mean? Like, I am feel like my walk with God is good. We are Gucci. We speak to one another. But if you didn't know, Kirk Cameron voiced the series and I think he acted in the series and Kirk Cameron was super fucking hot. You know what I mean? Kirk Cameron was like so hot. So you are also conflicted because you're 11 years old and you're trying to figure out what puberty is, but you're also very attracted to Kirk Cameron, who's also telling you if you, you know, so much as think about a penis, you will be burned at the stake and you'll be left behind. So when I look back, very contradicting, but it worked on me. Scared straight, literally. Truly heterosexual woman. So anyways, I was at the show in Albany and I walk outside and I'm like, this is so fudgeing creepy. I'm like, no one is coming to the show. There's not a soul in sight. The buildings look very KGB esque. I'm already like, we're at odds with Russia. I don't know what the fuck's going to happen. It just was an eerie feeling. But then we get to the show. I had so much fun. The audience was amazing. So I'm so grateful for a wonderful weekend. But regardless, I had like a slight panic attack. I was backstage. And when you're in this theater, which is the egg, there are no windows. Like, you're in this, like, fishbowl. Literal fishbowl. So the whole time I'm just kind of like, here's the thing. If something did happen, if a bomb did go off, if there was a situation, you know, where you want to be in the egg, you want to be in the fucking egg. You know what I mean? No windows made out of concrete. Solid as a rock. Like, feel good about it. But then as I was asking people in the audience like, where the fuck are we? And they're like, yeah, it's dead down here during the weekend, because during the week it's government. But Almany, I mean, a little, you know, I know there's some cute suburbs. It's just weird to me that that's the capital of New York. New York, the busiest city in the world, probably next to Tokyo, the center. Really, truly, you could say that. New York when you know if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere. And then you go two hours north, and you're like, there's lifted trucks and there's a little bit of redneck. I just love that people from up north like to shit on southerners and act like we're really fudgeing redneck. But if you go an hour and a half outside of the city of New York, you can see some cr. I've never seen somebody lifted trucks in my life. And I'm like, we're in Albany. Speaking of Albany, my husband picks me up from the airport on Sunday. Says he saw the movie Moana. I said, first of all, why are you watching children's movies alone on the weekend? He was at a friend's house. Their son was watching Moana. Moana. That's how you pronounce it. You don't say moana, Moana before, you know, they put the kid down. And Jeff's like, babe, cut the tail end of my way in the. And real good, real cute. Want to watch it tonight? I was like, sure, I'll watch Moana. But if you pronounce it like that, we will immediately divorce. So I'm sitting in my sauna bag. I told you guys, I got this, like infrared sauna back. I'm telling you, they're expensive, although I think you can get cheap ones on Amazon. But I got to be honest with you, my sauna bag that I bought was like $1,000. Did I probably get bamboozled? 100%. Was it a gift for me on my health and wellness journey? 100%. I understand that's very high ticket item. But I get my sauna bag. I do this thing. It's called a castor oil wrap. I take this, like, rubber kind of almost like a waist trainer, but it's not. And I rub my body down with organic castor oil around my liver and my stomach, wrap that bad boy. Then I get in this infrared sauna bag. The health benefits are supposed to be that, like, it gets to a cellular molecular level and you're really, like, detoxifying. And then the castor oil packs are this old, like, hippie, dippy holistic medicine thing that if you have, like, want to detoxify your live or, like, especially after your period, when you're trying to, like, flush out that extra estrogen, you do it. I mean, listen, I am essentially now running my own holistic wellness practice. Do I also have tequila on the weekends? I do. So let's not forget, if you were to throw a flaming hot Cheeto my way, would I try and Catch it and eat it 100%. But I try and do what I can, when I can. So I'm in my sauna bag last night, okay? I'm zipped up. It's 150 degrees. I'm sweating, I'm feeling good. I got the castor oil pack on. Jeff puts on Moana, or as he calls Moana. So if you don't know the story of Moana, it's about this young girl who's going to be like, the chief of the island in Hawaii. Like, the music's great. Lin Manuel Miranda does the music. The rock is the voice of this main guy. She has to bring the heart of the ocean back to her island because basically all the plants are dying, right? She has to restore the vitality of the natural resources of this island. So everybody tells her, don't go past the reef. All right? Well, she ends up sailing past the reef to find this guy Maui, played by the rock Dwayne Johnson, who's, I don't know, like, majestic. I don't know if he's kind of like an alien, but he has to help her go get the heart of the sea. Okay, I'm not telling you. I'm not exactly describing this story because when I was watching it, I was sweating at 150 degrees. So I was kind of like a little lightheaded and not fully coherent. Anyways, though, the story's about a little girl, and she becomes friends with the rock Dwayne Johnson, who is clearly an adult. My mom, in the middle of this movie goes. She walks downstairs, she has a glass of wine in her hand. She's maybe three minutes into this movie and literally goes, oh, let me guess. I can already predict they're going to end up together. Jeff. And I start laughing so hard, I almost bust out of this fudgeing bag. We're like, mom, that's a child. The girl in the movies, like, 10 years old. The Rock is playing like a full grown adult. Like, nothing sketchy about their relationship. He the whole time in the movie is like, oh, you're just a little girl. You don't know how to do this. You can't save an eye island. You're just a kid. And my mom's like, for sure they're gonna end up together. Oh, yeah, for sure. I turn around and I see my mom sitting at the barstool in the basement, like, almost like fake smoking a cigarette, you know, with her glass of wine. And she goes, heather, can I get in that sweat bag with my wine? I'm like, no, mom, first of all, you don't drink any water. So if you get in this bag already dehydrated from the black coffee and red wine you drink, and the fact that you haven't had a sip of H2O in the last. I don't know if you. 18 months, you will fudgeing die immediately. And then she just keeps commenting. I can already predict this movie. I mean, it's adorable, it's cute, but they can end up together. And we're like, let's hope not, because that would be fudgeing sick mom. And she's like, oh, I didn't know she was 8. I thought she was like, I don't know, 22. I'm like, mom, walk away. See, this is why, when people don't understand. I didn't grow up on Disney. I grew up on Sally. Just say Raphael. Mari Povich. Jerry Springer, Ricki Lake. I have been through Ricki Lake like, every other week. Ricky Lake and Oprah, you know, they come on, they gain weight, they lose weight. I have been on the emotional and physical roller coaster, which is the ebbs and flows of Ricki Lake and Oprah's weight gains and losses over the years. Like, I was so invested. I remember being in the fourth grade being like, oh, this whole episode is going to be about how Ricky put on £25, and I'm here for her. You know, I was a chubby fourth grader, and I would watch it and just empathize and reflect and be like, girl, I got you. I get it. You know, last week, I could fit into my duckhead shorts. This week, not so much. That's what I grew up on. I think I've seen Cinderella twice. And it's not that my parents didn't put me in front of the TV to watch cartoons. I was just always that old lady. I've told you this a million times. If I went to a party in high school, I wanted to talk to your stepmom. I didn't really care about you. You know what I mean? I wanted to know the tea. I've always just been an older person. Even as a youth. Jeff and I have been watching a really a lot of, like, horribly scary with you. Doesn't matter if you take 10 Trazodone, you're not gonna sleep before bed. And with the state of the world, he looked at me and he goes, do you want to watch Moana tonight? And I was like, yeah. I was like, let's watch something, like, happy and sweet. And now, because I went to Disney and I realized I hadn't seen, like, any Disney stories. Like, it was almost a little trickering, because while everybody else at Disney's, like, knows about all these stories, I'm like, no, I didn't grow up like Snow White. Barely know the story, because, again, I was more invested on what's Ricky Lake going to do to take off this summer? 15. That's what I was worried about. You know what I mean? Like, I can almost quote you, like, every episode of Oprah. I know it. I watched it. It was ingrained in me. I was like, today we're going to talk about firefighters from Minneapolis and what they do to combat ptsd. And I'm like, yes, I'm seven years old and I am concerned, locked and loaded into this emotional journey for the firefighters of Minneapolis. I don't even know, you know, I was too young to be watching what I was watching when it's like, a woman escapes a sex cult in Boise today at 4, and I would, like, rush home from school so I could make sure, you know, check in on the story of dear old Kathy, who had been locked in someone's basement for the last ten and a half years. Really up. So now it makes sense to you why, when I showed up to Albany and there was no one on the streets, I then had a double panic attack that I had also been left behind. Now if I'm left behind and it's just me and Kirk Cameron and like, the Lord's like, actually, you two have to fuck so that you can repopulate the Earth. Like, you know, we can make that happen. Yes, Lord. I think he's a little bit of a cuckoo do, but he was very hot when we were kids. So anyways, that's kind of where this comes full circle. So we started watching Moana. My mom won't shut up about how she thinks they're going to end up together. And I'm just like, God damn it. And I can't really move. I mean, I can put my arms outside of the infrared sauna bag. And I'm trying to call Delta because I'm pushing my flight. I'm like, I got too much shit to do tomorrow. So I'm, like, on hold with Delta Diamond. My mom's thinking that the Rock is like a molester on this movie. Even though they're cartoons. It was just everything about it was so ridiculous. Jeff keeps calling it Moana. I'm like, where am I? What is this weekend? What happened? You know what I mean? I'm Just like, am I left behind? Are we in war? World War iii? What the is going on? I didn't know, but I did sleep soundly. I'm telling you, if you were like me and you had a very adult childhood and you need to resort back to, like, those happy feelings, start watching Disney before bed. I mean, what's next, you know? I don't know. What am I going to watch next? I'm ready for it. I've never seen Encanto. Probably going to start it this weekend. Why? Why the fuck not? Because I've been watching horror. I've been watching every terrible show where everyone's dying. It's the worst. And then I sit on TikTok and TikTok has 100% confirmed we're going to war. So that's where I'm at, spiraling. And then I wake up in a cold, hot Sweat at about 2am Thinking I've been left behind. But again, left behind with Kirk Cameron would absolutely take on that burden. I know there's a lot of shit going on in the world. Again, I said last week, I don't have the answers. I don't know what to tell you, but all I can say is I'm here for you. My job is to make you giggle. I really didn't know going into, like, the show this weekend in Albany, I was like, I don't know how people are going to feel. I don't know. All I know is my job is to take your mind off shit for an hour and a half. So I hope while you listen to this, you can spiral with my shit. And we're going to get into the voicemails and, you know, we can figure our own problems out, because I know we're all doing our best and we don't know what else to do with the world. We don't know, guys. I don't know. I don't know. I just don't fucking know. It's like, what the fuck? Also, you know what's such fucking bullshit? Obviously, the audacity, the humanitarian crisis that's going on in Ukraine, but the fucking audacity that Putin had the fucking audacity. We haven't even gotten through the fucking pandemic and now you want to start this shit, bruh? Are you fucking kidding me, bruh? Give me a beat, brah. You know what I mean?
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Chill.
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A
Also, why do you need everything? It's the selfishness for me, though. It's the insanity for me, though. You got little dick Daddy Putin working with nothing but a Tiny dong over here. Like, we haven't had enough. Now you want to start this shit? Oh, my God, we get it. You're needy, but, like, chill. You know, the Guy's in his 70s. He wants to leave a name for himself. Also, why does anybody think communism or socialism works? It doesn't. You know what I'm saying? Like, oh, I don't know. I can't even articulate intelligently what I want to say. What I really want to say is, if I were to be a CNN correspondent would be like, really, though? Really? The fuck? Are you kidding me, though? Like, can Anderson Cooper just look deadpan into the camera and go, are you fucking kidding me, though? Like, I'm not even trying to be funny about this, but that's the only way I know how to emote what's going on in the world. And, guys, I mean this. Like, obviously I record this, and if by the time this comes out, something even more tragic happened, like, I don't know what the fuck to say. Let's just let this podcast right now be a place where we can take our mind off for 10 minutes and say your prayers and hope we don't get left the behind. Okay? And honestly, I was on Amazon and I was ordering some, like, prepping stuff. Just like, okay, let's get a bug out bag. Like, I don't know. I was just trying to get some, like, essentials. But then I'm like, if something happens, take me up. I don't want to be left behind. I'm ready to go. I'm ready to beam me up. Love to see my dad. That's what's up, Gucci gang. I know where I'm going. I don't need to hang out if it means that I'm in a bunker, like in the States. You know what I mean? When people are like, they prep for 20 years. Like, obviously survival skills are important. But I told my mom once, I said, listen, if it means I'm eating dried MRE beef stroganoff in the woods for three years just staring at you. No, no one can chill. No one can chill right now. Listen, when this comes out, I'm going to Paris. I'm going to Paris with my dear friend Jackie Schimmel. We decided to do a little girls trip. My birthday's next week. I wanted to do a little something. The flights looked good. And I told her. I called her. I was like, are we good? And she said, let's go. Let's just go. Let's go see this shit now. While you can, because I told you we only got about three years left. Go hang gliding in Argentina while you can. Be safe. Be smart. Because I don't know if you know this, but every human, specifically tiny men who are starting this war bullshit, it's a bunch of these male leaders. You got to flex their half dong and they're ruining it for everybody. The rest of us collectively like to chill, get along. We've been in a pandemic. Go outside, go to a concert, you know what I mean? Have a side hustle, maybe a popsicle, go to happy hour. But everybody else has to fucking have everything and be greedy fucks. So that's where we're at. So if you were thinking about going hang gliding in Argentina, going to check out Antarctica on a kayak trip, fucking book it and go. Because we got about three years left. Go see it now while you can. I know the rest of y' all are spiraling as much as I am, so I'm going to go ahead and get into the voicemails. Oh, side note, because my ADD brain is insane. Wanted to remind you guys if you're thinking about. Because I know I'll get a lot of questions about the sauna bag, you can get a cheap one on Amazon, but, but I gotta be honest with you, it's infrared. Do a little research, you know what I mean? Read the reviews. I don't know if I'd go over the cheapest thing that has like that is essentially cooking your insides. Do you know what I mean? Maybe just like check for radiation. I don't even know if that's a part of it. Just do a little research, that's all I'm saying. Anyways, let's get to the voicemails. As always. You can call in 800-213-7503. I'm going to be in Petty with my girl Jackie and we're meeting croissants and smoking cigs and drinking wine and hanging out, you know, and farting down the river. Because why not? Life is short. Yolo, that's what's up. Ever wonder why so many people regain weight after stopping at GLP1? Well, up to 40% of the weight loss can come from lean muscle. I learned that the hard way. This weakens the body, slows metabolism and makes it easier to put the pounds back on. Yes, right here. That happened to me. Creating a cycle of dependency. Well, this is why I love Prolon. Because Prolon is a five day fasting, mimicking diet that offers a drug free way to maintain results and support long term metabolic health in just five days. 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C
Hey, Heather, I just wanted to let you know that your name actually came up during my C section. So I was really nervous. I mean, surgery when you're awake is super scary and just the anxiety of having the baby. But anyway, so the anesthesiologist numbs me and they lay me down on the table and the nurse is telling me kind of what they're doing to prep me for my C sect. And I hear her say, so we're going to put your catheter in now. And before I even know it, do I have a small urethra? Comes flying out of my mouth. And the nurse was so shocked. She looked at me and she was like, what? And I was like, oh, do I have a tiny urethra? And she was so flabbergasted by me asking her this. And I immediately go into, oh, sorry, it's comedian. And the anesthesiologist, who's about 35ish male, behind me, like, back behind my head goes, oh, my wife listens to Heather McMahon, too. I started dying laughing. It totally honestly kind of calmed me down for the surgery and now have a beautiful baby. And we're all good. But I just wanted to let you know. Absolutely, yes. For your name getting brought up in the or after I asked the nurse if I had a tiny urethra. Anyway, love and light. Love you.
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A
Bye, sister friend. This just warms my heart. You have no idea. Wow. I mean, look at that. Look at God. Look at God. Okay. What a calming, beautiful moment. And just so you know that I'm recording this on International Women's Day, which just feels appropriate. I love this. One, congratulations on the new baby. Thrilled for you. Hope you're recovering well. Two, I just love that that's what I'm bringing, call me if you will, the Prince of Peace. Ok. Okay. Whoa. Lord, please forgive me. I immediately take that back, Princess of Peace. Because Jesus is the prince of peace. Princess of Peace. I'm getting on her having a real God complex right now. Left behind. He's already left me. He said no. That's blasphemous. Put no other idols before me. I apologize. Princess of Peace, though. It's kind of fun. And kids, you know what I mean? I love that. I have actually heard quite a few stories of women in labor where they've either listened to my podcast, which is absolute asinine. If you are listening to my podcast right now while you have a baby crowning through your vaginal canal, God bless you. And if that is the case, I want you to save this recording this mantra, and I want you to play it during birth. Here we go. Okay, ready? Are you ready to record this? This is your birthing mantra. You are a bad. You can do it. Do anything. Your husband could never. He could never squish a watermelon out of the tip of his dick. It is International Women's Day. We are the reason why life comes into this world. The only thing men are good for is jizz. Too much of it. Every single time. Every single time I look at Jeff and go, that's far too much jizz. You've got this. You've got this locked and loaded. It's like a hard. Go for it. Strap it on. Let's ride. Let's go. Come on, doggy. Yes, kitty cat. You've got this. Are you ripping Tip to taint. Sure are. That's all right. You can do it. I love you. You are a bad. You're a warrior. You are a sun goddess. And you, my friend, are now a mother. That was my attempt at doing a baby crying. It's more like a velociraptor getting a colonoscopy, but you get the point. Everybody, ladies, save that. Gentlemen. Save that little mantra for your. Your lady in your life so that they can then play that. I love that. Also, I love the very woke anesthesiologist who's like, hell, yeah, my wife loves Heather. That's cool. Gucci gang. Also smart if you're a male doctor, nurse, male in general. Maybe bring me up during the C section. Maybe bring me up the Princess of Peace. You know, maybe if a lady's getting her labia torn in half, you bring me up, make them giggle. Speaking of tiny urethras. I'm just saying. I'm just saying, like, it's a good way to connect with your patients. It's called good bedside manner. Okay, look it up, sir. I don't know why, you know what I'm, I'm lit about. So I just saw this thing on CNN this morning with it being International Women's Day. And CNN put this whole post about how Finland is run by, like a young woman, okay? She's in her 30s. Literally, this bitch and I are the same age. She's in her 30s. And I guess they have a five party political system. Five is too many. Three I think is good. Five seems extreme, but sure. And like, it's talking about the progressiveness of Finland, how like, shit runs smoothly. Like, you never hear about Finland. You're like, oh, they're chill. Like I said in last week's podcast, if women had a little more involvement in, I don't know, government, things would be a lot more chill, brah. A lot more Gucci gang, brah. And I started scrolling through the comments and it was just the saddest shit. Just the comments, the disgusting comments. I just literally, on International Women's Day, I did the deepest eye roll and I was like, this is it. I'm going to record a mantra for women to give birth today. Just like. Also, you know, it's just the plight of a man to be like, I got a comment. I got a comment right now on this CNN post. Oh, women running Finland. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. Could a woman run Finland? Five of them. Five different parties. Never kick them in the twat. Like, chill, bruh, chill. Take some ashwagandha, have a Miller Light. Everybody take it down a notch. You know, it's like, you're not threatened. We're just here to run the show, sir. It's the male ego, okay? I love men. I love men. I'm obsessed with dong. I wanted two of them in my face all the time. But it's like after being A woman For 34, almost 35 years, next week, March 15, is the birthday. It's just kind of like, I've been very observant. There's no reason why we can't have more women at the table playing ball to chill everybody the fuck out. I don't even care if you have a woman president who's just great at making ice tea, okay? I will take the feminist movement back about a hundred notches. This bitch could be in charge of the nuclear weapons, but also be like, sweetie, you won't sit down and have an iced tea. Calm down. Come on, sugar. Come here. Come here. Okay, what's wrong? You're upset. What are you upset about? Okay, you want to take Ukraine? Well, that's not going to happen. Do you want to know why? Because that's not nice. You want to know why that's not nice? Because you're being a douche lord. Well, you can't have that, sweetheart. You cannot have that. Nobody said you could have Ukraine. Nobody said that. Baby P. Sit down. Sit down right now. Sit down right now. Right now. Do you want a nice tea? You thirsty, sugar? You're thirsty? Come here, sweetheart. What do you need? You need a sweet tea? Okay, honey, I made a batch last night. That sun tea that was sitting on the porch, the White House. Bring me some of that tea. Give it to Baby P. Yes, and get him a cookie or some goddamn thing. His blood sugar's low. He's acting like a real horse's ass. Like that to me. If I was president, would be the conversation. Now, I know it's not that easy. I know you're dealing with sociopaths. All I'm saying is, bring me up during a C section. I really went on an artistic spiral just now, which I felt very confident about. That's a really funny bit. I'm going to work that into the show. Sweetheart, sit down. Come on, Putin. Sit down. Oh, my God. Chill. You know, you think about that, like, really great teacher that you had growing up. Like, I had this one teacher who I was obsessed with, Ms. Mankin. She was like, the best. And she'd always like, sweetheart, sit down. Come here. You need. What do you need? You need a lemonade? Get her a lemonade. And sure enough, like, as long as I had, like, a cool, lemony, sweet treat that hit my lips, I immediately calmed down, you know what I mean? Like, you came in from PE and there was like a situation. Somebody, like, hit you in the face during dodgeball, hit you, and you're like budding breasts because you're an eight year old girl. And, like, it's tender. I don't know how to tell you this, but it's always tender under, though. And Ms. Mankin's like, Y' all, get out the country time. Get out the country time. Get out the country time. Make Heather an instant lemonade. That's what she needs. She's got a head in the baby bud. Titties. Make her a lemonade. Travis, come here. You want to apologize? You want to apologize? Do you see? You hit her in the little titties. Tiny titties. Apologize. Look at me. Right now. Travis, apologize. That, to me, is world peace. And the fact of the matter is, is it's shocking that we can't figure that out. You know what I mean? I don't know. Anyways, I went on this tangent just to let you know. If you're in the medical field, I highly suggest playing my mantra during labor to help badass women give birth. You know what I mean? Okay, great. I love sharing that. I love that you shared that. I went on a political tangent. But I just want you to know I am woman. Hear me roar. And, Lord, please don't leave me behind, because I didn't mean to be blasphemous, but also. Just have a nice tea. Get the sun tea. You know, the one that. On the porch. Yes. By the Oval Office. Get the sun tea. Sugar? Get the. Get the sun tea. Do you want lemon? You don't like lemon? Sometimes a little too acidic. I get it. I get it. He wants it plain. Hey, Darby. He wants it plain. He does. Okay, great. So we gonna talk about the fact that you don't need to have Ukraine, because, sweetheart, you can't have everything. You got the Russia, and they don't even like you. Do you want to sit down and talk about it? Because you're being a real horse's ass. That's all I'm saying.
- [32:12]
B
Hi, Heather. My name is Kim, and I'm from Indianapolis, and I'm a huge fan. My daughter got me started listening to you. We love you. I have an absolutely not for you. This is an old boyfriend. I guess we could call him. Has just gotten more eccentric and quirky and unusual over the years.
- [32:33]
C
Years.
- [32:33]
B
And has never fully let go. Right. So I. I got a package at my side door last week, a gift from him that just completely creeped me out. It's a bag of quadratini tiramisu cookies. They were unopened, thankfully. I mean, that seemed better, but weird because I don't have any connection to Italian cookies. But I did think of you. And attached with a paper clip is a postcard that's tattered looking, maybe yellowed, from the 1920s. And the postcard is the doll organist. What is this? It says it's an exhibit hall in Santa Claus land, Indiana. And he wrote, dear Kim, I'd love to see this. Be a good day trip, you think? And sign his name. Oh, my God, Heather. I. I just was so creeped out. My kids are creeped out. I don't know what this is about, but my daughter said you've got to Call Heather. So that is my absolutely not to old boyfriends creeping you out with gifts. Okay, bye, Kim.
- [33:47]
A
All jokes aside, call the police. What? First of all, shout out to Quadratini. Fucking delicious. Really great, really great cookies. Solid Italian cookies. Tiramisu flavor, phenomenal. But do not eat them. I know you said they were closed. Do not eat them. Okay, Kim, this is also something that I wasn't going to get into, but I will get into because it's International Women's Day. This is just some more bullshit. You know, Kim, you're dealing with a creepy ex and so is Kim Kardashian. And you know, I've seen a lot of shit online where people are like, kim is one of the richest women and yet she still can't even fucking deal with with an ex not being a sociopath. And you wonder what it's like for everyday gals to divorce or leave a dude who won't let it go. Bruh. We're done. Chill, have an iced tea, Move on to your hand with your penis in it. No one wants you. Bye. Bye. Thank you for the Italian sweet treat, the Dolce de leche, but I'm good. No more. I'm not going to. Where the did he want you to go? Doll land? No, you know what you're not doing getting in the car with him unless you have on spiked heels and fingerless gloves that have knives at the end of them. Kim. Low key, real talk, raw dog. I'm not here to give you legal advice, but this sounds creepy. And I know you're in a different generation, Kim, because you said your kids also listen to me. So I'm going to guess you probably have have more adult children. And I know that, like, it's an older generation that does some of these things, but if my mom ever had a man not let things go and left Italian quadratini cookies on our doorstop, it would not end well. Do you know what I'm saying? I would get a job as the hostess. I would literally go incognito get a job as a hostess at the Outback Steakhouse that he would frequently. And just when he thought he was getting his own personal Bloomin Onion, it would go down. I can't legally say what I would do to one of my mom's stalkers, but it would go down. Kim, this is concerning, but this is also a bigger conversation. It was like everybody was making jokes about Kanye. Then Kanye posts the fucking text messages of Kim being like, you're threatening the guy I'm dating, right? Now you're telling people publicly to harm him. You're unhinged. You're mentally unwell. Get the fuck out of here. Leave us alone. And I love the, you know, semi romantic gesture of Kanye trying to fight for his family. You know when you should have fought for your family, Kanye? When you weren't acting like a fucking asshat. You know what I mean, Kim? I really empathize, sympathize with Kim. You did all this shit and you can't get rid of this fucker? Quit glorifying. Listen, Kanye's a genius. Nobody ever said he wasn't smart and talented. Very smart and talented, but also fucking unhinged. You know what? I don't have time for that bullshit. Kim's an attorney, sir, and she still can't even get this fucker to bounce. And now we got voicemail. Kim dealing with the same bullshit can't get Roger from down the block to quit dropping off Dolce de Leches at her door, thinking he's going to lure her into some baby doll factory. What the fuck did he want to take you to with the old postcard? You know what the number one thing is? If I get a postcard in the mail, there is nothing friendly, romantic, platonic, anything about it. Nostalgic. I don't care if you're, like, abroad and you're a friend. If you send me a postcard in the mail, I immediately call the police. There has been a time traveler who is trying to talk to me. I don't like that. If you're in, I don't know, Belgium and you send me a postcard of the little, you know, statue with the thing. Ping. I forget what they call it. I've been to Belgium. Brussels, phenomenal city, great chocolate. But if you send me a postcard from Brussels with no warning, friendship is over. I'm sorry, where did you come from? The past. No, no, no, no, no. You tagged me in something sensible on Instagram. Missing. You wish my BFF Heather was here in Brussels with me. That's all you do. The moment you throw in a postcard is the moment I know I'm gonna die. Kim, please be safe. These guys gotta let it fucking go. Have a nice tea, sir. Let's get to the next voicemail.
- [38:16]
D
All right, Heather, this is Nicole from Syracuse, New York. And I got an Absolutely not for you. All right, so my lovely fiance got me tickets to your show in Albany for Christmas. Very sweet. And he came with me last night, being a good sport. He gets. It's going to be A mainly female audience I completely understand, wants to have a couple drinks before the show, go to a nice dinner. He had a couple beers before we go in. You were lovely, by the way. Phenomenal show. And then afterwards we go to the hotel bar. He's getting a couple bourbon on the rocks. All right, whatever. I'm gonna let him live his life. I shit you not. I am then awakened at 1:30 in the morning to this man standing up, shorts down, junk out, urinating on the bed that I am still sleeping in. I am so appalled, I yelled at him to go into the bathroom. And he then proceeds to try to take the floor length mirror off of the wall, believing in his drunkenness stupor. This is the access point to the potty. I then have to help this man open a door so he is able to pee in the toilet. So this is my. Absolutely not for you, Heather. This is my Christmas present. I work hard, I don't ask for much. This should be my night to shine. And yet our men, though we love them, still need us to take care of them.
- [39:44]
A
Nicole. Nicole. Nicole. Nicole. This is. Wow. Chef's kiss, cherry on top, the vanilla bean to my root beer float. These voicemails are perfection. First of all, can I just say to the dudes who come to the shows and you have a fucking great time. Great. Love it. We laugh, we giggle, we make jokes. The joke's on everybody. It's on me. Come and laugh at me. That's my job. I'm a puppet, I'm a clown. Laugh at me so that you can have a good time. I don't point in the audience and just go, you, sir, do you have a penis? I'm gonna roast you. Although it is fun sometimes I will. But you know what I mean, it's for everybody. The show's for everybody. Clearly, I have a probably strong female audience, which I love. Fuck yes. But it's one. Nicole, this isn't your fault. I love that he bought you the tickets. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Nicole's husband or boyfriend, I can't remember. Thank you for giving her this gift. This is her night to shine. But I love when these guys act like they have to come to the show begrudgingly. Don't fucking come. Literally, if you're like, I can't have fun when my wife's having fun because there are women involved. Sit the fuck down. Do you know why Jeff gets so many BJ's on the reg one? Because I'm afraid he'll leave me. Happy international women's Day. Please don't leave me. 2. Because Jeff thrives in a group of women. Now, I'm not saying this as in, like, he's hanging out with other women that I don't know. That seems sketchy. He's not, like, chilling outside of a Hooters. However, if he did want to support International Women's Day, he would go get some hot wings and tips heavily. I would approve of that. I'm not threatened by Hooters. In fact, I embrace Hooters. Would love a sponsorship. Anywho, my point being is Jeff will go to stuff with the girls, with my girlfriends. He will go like, there's some other husbands are like, have a good time. And we all enjoy giggling together. I go to his. I'll go to a hockey game. He'll come to a funny comedy show by a female comedian. Have a blast. It's called balance. Like, I'll sometimes get messages from women and it irks me, but it shouldn't irk me where they're like, drug my husband to the show. Pulled my boyfriend kicking and screaming. He actually enjoyed himself. No shit. No shit, Paul. No shit, Michael. I'm not even trying to shit on men in this episode, but y' all need to have an iced tea and a little less bourbon chilled the fuck out and just come along for the ride. Because guess what? We have been watching your UFC fights on Saturday nights when we wanted to go to the new Chinese place that was upscale and got five stars on Yelp, but we didn't because there was a pay per view fight and we've been going and haven't said a word about it while we watch a bunch of men in a cage claw each other's eyes out and watch you sit on the fucking couch. And I just won $40. Oh, because you bet on a tiny Bosnian man named the Crusher. Oh, good for you. Were you able to look up statistics and do a process of elimination? Guess what? There are days when I see these guys that, like, bet on two person sports. It's a 5050 chance, William. It's a 5050 fucking split, Jason. I don't know how to tell you this. The spread's not that big. I don't know what a spread is, but it's not that big. It's either this guy or that guy. It's either the meth head from Nevada named Two Toes or the Bosnian man named the Skull Crusher. Either one, one of them will win. So if you put money on one of them and they won, that was a 50. 50 split. Heads or tails, motherfucker. Anyways, I haven't even gotten to the fact that this man peed on you. So first of all, he has to get highly intoxicated, which is just some bullshit. Guys come to the shows, you have a great time. Plenty of dudes come to the shows, they laugh their ass off. I give you a great show, okay? I don't just sit around and talk about what you'd like to breastfeed. I haven't done it, but when I do do it, there will be jokes about it. He's got a sling him back like. First of all, sir, you're not John Wayne. You know who could sling back booze and get on a horse and ride to Oregon? John Wayne. They don't make them like that anymore. You live in Albany. I don't know how to tell you this. You're not a cowboy. So let me get this straight. He comes to the show, he gets really fucked up, goes after the show to drown his misery in the fact that he had to spend a night out with his girl and the girls. And then he pees on you. So you're laying in bed, you wake up. This is your gift, your night to shine Nicole. And you feel a tinkle tankle trickle tranquil on the forehead because he thinks you're the toilet. And that summarizes the way women are treated. Toilets. Not even a nice one. Not even a European Ritz Carlton bidet toilet trough. Just peeing on you, loosey goosey. And then he's so drunk you gotta help him to the bathroom. You know what you were doing right before you closed your eyes? You thought I had a great night. Thanks, Heather. And. Princess of Peace. That's what I do. That's really what it's about when you guys lay in bed and you watch my videos because you want to think of something funny before you go to bed and close your eyes and go into La la land dream. That's why. So when all these guys come to my shows, like, my wife listens to you in bed. Yeah, because she's sick of listening to your all day and wants a sweet thought before she goes to sleep. Okay, but now she's got to drag your ass to the bathroom and then figure out how to pay off the housekeeper to not get an extra upcharge on the sheet stain. This is where we're at. And you're telling me I can't be governor of Georgia? I'm sorry, Already am. I'm the governor of your heart. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of my favorite episodes I've ever recorded. I don't know why I am on fire. I am just raging today. This is making me laugh. Nicole, thanks for coming to the show and if your husband was a good sport or boyfriend, I apologize. Can't remember legally where you guys are at. But if he was a good sport, great. But he did pee at the end of the night. He still failed the test. So I'm asking him to call into the podcast and explain himself. We will be looking for your voicemail. I will have my producer on it. Sir, please call in. I will give you a minute to justify yourself. Please call in. I prefer if you called in maybe Friday because that's when I go through the voicemails and then I'll record it next week. I would really love to hear that, sir. We will let you call in and redeem yourself for International Women's Day. But right now, you're on thin ice. In the meantime, between time, get your tickets@heatherontour.com I have two big shows coming up. Tulsa, Oklahoma. Omaha, Nebraska. Then we're going to Fort Lauderdale. I've got shows in Salt Lake City. We're hitting Vancouver. Vancouver. Listen, if you're in Seattle or Portland and you are not going to see the farewell tour, come up to Vancouver. Make a trip out of it. It's an hour up. Vancouver, Salt Lake City, Phoenix. Two shows in Tampa. Huge show in Fort Lauderdale. We're about to announce the Atlanta show. It's going to be insane. The Thursday before Memorial Day weekend. Plan to be in Atlanta. That's all I want to say. It's going to be fucking huge. It's going to be the party of the spring. Let's do it. Let's giggle. Drag your husband, Heather, on tour.com. and as always, you can call into the absolutely not line. 800-213-7503. I love you. I mean it. Chef's kiss. I'm going to be in Paris this week. Pray for my safety. Pray that I don't choke on a baguette. Love you mean it. Arrivederci. Or as I should say, bonjour. Ciao. It's still Italian.
- [48:18]
C
Bye.
- [48:18]
A
Bye. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.
- [48:48]
C
I.