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The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are ya? I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what I'm doing fantastic. I am abroad and I'm recording this episode from a pool house in Mallorca. Doesn't get better than this, baby. I am recording this on my phone and I know what you're thinking. Heather. Wow, you don't take your job seriously. Way to half ass it. No, baby, I. I had a decision to make before I left for. For Europe. I said, do I carry this clunky recording materials with me? Do I carry a zoom that's gonna get knocked around as I schlep my suitcases through cobblestone streets in Spain? And I said, no, I'm leaving it at home. Did a little test, a test 1, 2, test 1, 2 on the cellular. And this sounds pretty fucking good. All right? So if for any reason this episode comes out annoying or the sound quality isn't that great, just know I had a decision to make and I went with the latter, which. Which was comfort. Comfort over quality for you dumbasses. I'm kidding. I love you very much. We have a lot to get into. I'm gonna do a full Euro recap next week when I am back from Ibiza. I'm not in Ibiza, I'm in Mallorca. And I went to Comporta and I went to Portugal and I tore it up. But I do think there's a couple things that we can highlight just in general, really crank out a great episode. I've had time to think, you know, some basics that we can work through, some basic traveling etiquet, and also just a wellness update on myself. I'll tell you right now, I'm full as a tick. Okay? I don't think I can eat any more mahon cheese. That's a local mallorcan cheese. I've had enough chorizo to become an Arkansas Razorback. Okay? That's all you need to know right now. Full as a tick. Dated a guy in college in Mississippi and he used to always say that. He'd be like, I'm full as a tick. And I remember looking at him one day and saying, I genuinely dislike you so much. I hope you get Lyme disease. That's a horrible thing to wish on people. And as Somebody who had a father who died of cancer. I don't wish a lot of bad things on people, but I really, really did not like this person. And I remember thinking that he said the phrase. And my rebuttal in my mind was, I really. It was that. And that's dark. I don't know why I'm starting off the episode like that. But here we are, we are currently in Mallorca and like I said, I'll do a full Euro recap to get into all the nitty gritty ridiculous traveling. But I wanted to do that while I had my camera and I want to do that for video. And you know, I wanted you to see me with a tan, but here I am. Yes, I am recording this from a Mallorcan pool house. I am staying at this insane hotel and I'll go through my hotel recs. I guess I could do that today. But I'm gonna tell you right now, I get wary of telling you where I stay. And it's not because I'm worried that you're gonna be breathing over me while I sleep, that you're gonna somehow pull out a loose hair extension at breakfast. I'm not worried about that. You know, I love meeting little critters in the wild. I love going out to dinner in a foreign country and I hear a little tiramisu bitch. It brings me joy. I'm so grateful that we get to giggle together through life. But I also need a break from your asses. And you know, it's nice when I'm on vacation and then people say, oh, Heather, tell me where you stayed. Oh, we wanna know where you stayed. And then I post it and then they go, that's expensive. No shit. Cheryl Mama works her dick off during the semesters. January through June is nonstop, full speed ahead, grinding it out in Cincinnati. Okay? So then when I come on vacation for two weeks, I've done the research, I have saved the coin, I have rubbed the side of a magic fucking lantern and ask the genie for three wishes. You know what the wishes are? To stay at a five star resort. So if you'll let me live, I understand that some of these places aren't attainable. That's the point. That's the frickin point. A little exclusivity never hurt anyone. Okay? I understand the privilege. And I'm already gonna get some heat for that. But you always get one message from somebody who says, do you have any local recommendations for Airbnbs? I don't. If I did, I would share them. I have been looking at travel and leisure porn, okay? I have been laying in bed at night with a vibrator going through Conde Nast's top 10 places to stay in Mallorca. This is what I get horny for, okay? It's not dong, you know, it's not a. It's not the fantasy of a pool boy rubbing you down with oil. It's thread count. It's luxury linens. It's some sort of interesting upholstered chair next to a funky antique lamp at a place in the Mallorcan mountains that you gotta know somebody to get into. And I'm not going to apologize for that. I have worked all my life. I'm about to start doing Gone with the Wind quotes, which is just so out of touch. Okay? You have to realize that I'm going to leave this vacation that I have planned, I have had on the books for weeks, months. I'm going to go back and it's going to be a swift kick in the dick back to reality. I've got shows in Fort Lauderdale, Denia, Dania beach, that I'll be back in Florida. Do you understand the absolute jarring reality reset. How you almost jumped the matrix? Staying at a five star resort in Mallorca eating delicious omelets and tapas and eating croquettes stuffed with eggplant and local cheeses dipped in a slight aioli. A gentle aioli, not a. I say slight, as in like, it's a light aioli. Cause the aiolis at home are too heavy. Sipping a glass of cava next to a saltwater pool with the view of the mountains and the ocean in the background. And then I'm gonna be staying at a Holiday inn near the Fort Lauderdale airport, slinging jokes at a comedy club for 14 people before I go back on the regular theater tour. It is a swift kick, baby. If Keanu Reeves has got his leather trench coat on and his sunglasses and it's take the red pill or the blue pill. Guess what pill I have to take when I get back? The red one. Because I'm going to Florida. There'll be someone in the audience with the MAGA hat asking me if I have any intel on the Epstein files. And guess what? I don't. But I do believe that everyone's on the list. I know y' all wanted, like, recommendations. Like, Heather, tell us about a boat day. What local pastries did you eat while you were in Portugal? And I'm over here being like, it is going to be a dark day when we're Back on the road. No, I'm kidding. I can't wait to be telling jokes. And I have so much fresh material. That's why we're going to down to Florida to work out some new stuff that we're going to add to the tour. And then I'm back at it. We are going to be announcing little housekeeping for you real quick. We will be announcing new tour dates. I've gotten so much grief from people from Boston and Philly and Nashville. Those are coming. You have to hang tight with me, Cheryl. Hang tight. Grab a hand towel, bite through it. I don't know what to tell you. They're gonna be announced soon, but I am back on the road. I cannot wait. I'm gonna be shooting the next special this fall, so you better get your tickets. I'm not telling you where I'm shooting it just yet, but if you see a date in the fall, we are probably shooting there, so get excited. But again, you can get your tickets@heatherontour.com but, yeah, I have just been, one might say, pushing through Ozempic. I am. My acid reflux the last two nights has been so incredibly bad that I don't know how much more I can shove down the gullet. I mean, I have foie gras myself and one of the seven deadly sins is gluttony. And I'm not even eating that much, so I don't want you to think I'm going and having a rack of lamb. I'm having a full Larix Balearic. I think that's how you say it. See, Dover sole bone in fish filet by myself at dinner. Little nibbles, bites here and there because I simply can't do it. But the acid reflux for the last three weeks has been insane. And I am chugging tomato. In Spain, they have this delicious. It's like a tomato sauce. Go with me here. Okay. It's like. But like light tomatoes and olive oil with a little salt. It's delicious. You put it on toast. So my mornings start with a hunk of chorizo, a nice salty local mallorcan cheese, about four nibbles of a croissant, some sort of chia to keep the fiber going. And then I have a cappuccino, an extra espresso, and then an espresso after that. So when I say the acidity, my acidity, my alkalinity is at a negative 45. I am so acidic right now. If you needed me to start a fire and you just wanted me to Burp in a general direction next to a campfire. We would start it. That is where we are at now. I'll get a couple comments, questions. Hey, do you run a champic? Let me tell you something right now, okay? Cause I have always been transparent with you hoes. Go back and listen to episodes at the end of 2021. And I was like, I'm starting this thing. We didn't even know what the fuck it was. My functional medicine doctor put me on it, but it was, like, mixed with methylated B12. And she would make it her own compounded concoction and then would send me home with these vials of drugs. I was like, let's try it. Because remember, I had just finished ivf. I was bloated, I was heavy, I was all the things I was miserable, I wanted to peel out of my own skin. So I was on that. And then everybody was like, oh, it's Ozempic. But I never took the original. Like, I never got it from a regular pharmacy. Does that make sense? So I was kind of like the guinea pig. I was on it for, like, six months. Nothing happened. Then I lost about £30, kept that off for a while, then had to get back off the drugs. For I was traveling so much, I couldn't keep the shit cold. Yada, yada, yada. Got got off of it for my neck and then got back. And now I'm back on it. Okay, now I'm back on it. And I forgot. So overall, has it helped me over the last couple years, like, just mellow out? Absolutely. When I got off of it, though, I porked back up. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you that you don't pork back up. You pork back up, baby. Peppa Pig. She is Peppa Pig over here. But I'm back on it. I think a little microdose doesn't hurt anybody. And I've never done a full episode about this. And not that anybody gives a fuck. Cause everybody's on it. But go back and listen to those early episodes. Like towards the end of 2021 or the beginning of 2022. I'm like, you guys, I'm on this injection, and we don't really know what it is. And now everybody's fucking on it. Oh, hold on. Yep. Oh, hi. Hold on. Sorry. Welcome to Duke's Country. It's mayo with Southern twang. Zero sugar, all flavor, and a cult following. Grab the jar with the yellow lid and taste what you've been missing. I'VE tried every mayonnaise under the sun, okay? And this is the one. It's got twang. She's creamy. She's iconic. She's giving deviled egg realness, baby. Duke's mayo has zero sugar, so I can slap it on anything and still feel like a hot, chaotic house queen. I need a mayo that supports my delusions and my snack habits. And Dukes gets me. If I show up to the cookout and there's not a jar of Dukes in sight, I'm leaving immediately, no questions asked. Okay? The yellow lid is my North Star in the grocery aisle. Dukes isn't just mayo. 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They're fixing the Internet in our room right now while I'm trying to record this episode. And the cutest little Mallorcan woman came in. Lo siento. You know, she's like, I'm sorry. Said, honey, come in with your tool belt. There is nothing sexier than a Mallorcan Internet lesbian. I mean, she was older, she had a little tool belt, a sensible sneaker on, and she was ready to rip some cords out of a wall to get that Internet going. But yeah. So anyways, where was I? Just talking about the GLP1s. But since I'm back on it, like, you forget, because when you're on it for a while, your body just gets used to it. Like, I never had the side effects. I was always on such a low dose. It honestly just cut my anxiety. I felt good on it. I was like, this is an absolute miracle drug. I never lost 80 pounds. Kudos. Round of applause to the real fatties who got super thin. Okay, good for you all. That wasn't my journey. I took off probably 30 pounds and. Hold on one second, you guys. I am watching. Jeff just jumped up from a pool lounger. A critter clearly got him. He's freaking out. Jeff. Jeff, you okay? What is it? I'm sorry. This episode is so add. We've got little old Spanish women knocking on the door to come fix the Internet. Jeff's sitting outside, getting attacked by bugs, and now he's just hovering. If you could see this. He's just hovering over the bug. He hasn't brushed it away. I don't know what it is. I don't know if it was a lizard, a critter, a little carpenter bee, whatever. And he is just hovering over it, staring at it. You guys, Some days being married, you look at your partner and you go, are you well? Wellness Update. Are you well? That's a no. Oh, he's so cute, though. But anyways, back to my own vanity. So I never had the side effects. I never went nuts. I mean, I would, you know, it kind of honestly, genuinely, for people who are curious, it Just turns off the receptor in your brain that's like, I'm starving right now. And there's nothing worse with PCOS and with my ovarian cysts and all that bullshit. It was like you were starving 247 and then you would actually starve yourself. Not on the drug. You would actually not eat and work out. And then you'd put on weight. And then I started getting like, facial hair and I'm like, I'm turning into a fucking ninja warrior. Like, I'm literally turning into one of those CrossFit women who is going to apply to be a ninja warrior. Like, the androgen are off, I'm full testosterone or I'm extra estrogen. I can't remember what I was dominant in, but I was. I was. Intersex is basically where I went. And, you know, between the IVF hormones and all that shit which I talked about in the first special, so I'm not going to be redundant and do those bits, but you know what I'm saying, Like, I was just a ball of different emotions and. And hormones and all this shit. So I got on the drugs and it worked enough. But these people who lost like £100, I don't know what kind of journey they were on, but good for them. Like, they clearly really needed it. It's like when somebody takes an Adderall. Like, I'm add, and when I take an Adderall, I actually started doing admin. Jeff says, ooh, here she goes. She's doing the admins. But I don't actually paint a painting like Picasso. I actually get the work done that I need to get done, but I can't ever take it and write and be creative. Like, no, no, no, no. Mama's gotta be on some sort of magic mushroom to really go down that. That journey. But anyways, what am I talking about? The acid reflux is so bad right now in the back of my throat that it's starting to make my head bubble. Like, I'm getting a little brain foggy from the amount of acid that I have in my body. But, you know, you have these people who lost like a hundred pounds and changed their life. Like, fantastic. I was honestly, I'm just trying to go from a size 16 to a 14 to a 12. I never got down to some, like, insane thing. And people were very kind and said, oh, my God, you look great. Like, obviously I lost weight before my wedding. Who doesn't? But I really lost all the weight on my honeymoon. That's what was wild. It was like My body finally got to relax, and then I. I just slimmed down. But the smallest I think I ever got was like a. Like a heavy 12. You know what I'm saying? A full, full one, two. But anyways, people message me about it sometimes, and I'm just here to tell you, like, if you can figure out the right dosage. I switched drugs because then basically I was like, okay, this weird compounded semaglutide's not really working much anymore. So then I got on this, I don't know, Tirzepatide. Manjarno. I don't fucking know. All I know is my acid reflux is so bad, I can barely chew through a baguette. And that's really no way to live. And I kind of got panicked. I was like, oh, my God. I'm putting weight back on. Like, you know. And I know every woman has a test. She tries on three summer dresses, and if they're too tight, and if you're spilling out of it, you go, I gotta lock it up. I gotta lock it up, period. I don't wanna hear it. And you're beautiful. You're so pretty. You're hard on yourself. I know. Tell me something I don't know. But everybody has that one strapless bra. That's it. People say the gene test. No, no, no. It's a strapless bra test. For me, as somebody who's shaped like an apple, it is a strapless bra test. I try on this one strapless bra, and if it is cutting me to the ribs, it's time to lock it up. So I went to my doctor and I said, all right, let's maybe switch drugs. Maybe let's play roulette with the injectables. And this other one that I'm on that apparently people just swear by, I've never felt like I've been choking myself out. The other ones kind of curb your appetite a little bit. And I was fine. I never had diarrhea. I never had an upset tummy. I was never nauseous. I was, like, cruising on the drugs. I was just cruising. Being able to eat like a normal person, sleep like a normal person and just feel like a normal gal. And then this, whatever this is that I'm on, peel it back, take me back. I'd rather be 10 pounds heavier and feel like I can swallow than do this shit. And I don't want to hear Heather, get on Nexium. Let me tell you something. As a kid who already suffered with acid reflux, I had surgery at 16 a la Ashlee Simpson for the nodules on the vocal cords. I don't wanna be on all the meds. I do have an acid reflux hack, though. For you. You take a teaspoon of baking soda, put it in a little water, and woof it back, and it does immediately cure yourself. Now, it's been a little difficult asking people everywhere we go, do you. Como sedice. That's Italian. Como sedice. Baking soda. That hasn't been translating very, very well. So definitely need to get some baking soda at this nice hotel. Yesterday, Jeff had to put me in his lap and burp me like a baby. And I'm embarrassed that I'm sharing that. This is probably the only conversation I should have with my nearest and dearest. Probably shouldn't even be telling you the prescriptions that I'm on because someone's gonna send me some insane message or some horror story about their GLP1 experience. And they're gonna be. And now I have a. My baby has a third arm growing out of its head. And I'm like, I. I can't, I can't, I can't. I'm gonna tell you right now. Jeff and I always fucking joke. We joke, we laugh, we scream, crying. If Ozempic would have come out, like three years later for Kyle McMahon, honey, my dad would have crushed it. As somebody who was heavy his whole adult life, I mean, don't get me wrong, Kyle McMahon had ripped abs when he lived in Miami when he was 22. And I had like two slim years in my 20s when I was living in New York. And then I poked right back up, okay? But I joke. I'm like, if Kyle and I could have been ozempic 20s because my sister's tiny, my mom's tiny, everybody else in our extended family, tiny, tiny, beautiful, little munchkin people. And dad and I were like fucking Brooke and Hulk Hogan, just. Just holding down the fort with the bmi. Speaking of the Hogans, we'll get into them in a second. But I don't love comparing Kyle and I to Brook and. And Hulk. But regardless, you know what I'm saying? We just. We were the thickums in the family. And Brooks, drop dead gorgeous. Okay, I'm obsessed with Brooke Hogan saying something about us they don't know, baby. You know, when she did a remix with Paul Wall, but, you know, it's tall, blonde, broad shoulders, had a rack on her, still does. Beautiful. Literally drop dead gorgeous. But probably, I would say as tall as her dad and I could be way Wrong. You could be like the bitches if I won. But either way what my, my point is, my point is being a dynamic duo like Brooke and Hulk before they had a bad breakup. If the Ozempis were around for Kyle, the comeback this guy would have had. The comeback he would have had. Kyle would have shown up to his annual Saab Appreciation owners club. And if you don't know what a Saab is, just Google it. It's a car we used to have. He would have shown up six months post start the GLPs to his SOB, his SOB members only club, whipped around a little Sheba and would have come out. He would have been the guy who lost 80 pounds on it. Do you know what I'm saying? He would have gotten out in a new pair of fucking just tight Brooks brothers pants and a nice loafer because Kyle was a loafer man before any of yalls dads knew what a loaf was. A crisp Atlanta Athletic Club golf shirt and that Breitling watch that he wore because he was a pilot would have been slipping off the wrist. Like honestly, I know that this is probably an inside conversation that I should just be having with Jeff, but we laugh really hard. Like the thought of my dad whipping around in a 1984 Saab with a tucked in golf shirt thin on the Ozempis, man, I'm sad that I wasn't around for that. Also I started doing a bunch of research because they say that pancreatic cancer, they think it is actually a metabolic syndrome. And I mean it did not help that my dad drank 75 caffeine free diet Cokes every day and went to Waffle House. I mean the guy clearly had a metabolic syndrome. Metabolic syndrome. But we all have to laugh. I'm like, he would have fucking crushed it. Homie would have been svelte. Anyways, why am I going on this 11 minute tangent about all of this? Regardless though, today's episode is brought to you by ASPCA Pet Health Program. Listen, we all have a pet, okay? 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Philadelphia cream cheese is just. It's a go to. I'm never going to go for another cream cheese because it's the Philadelphia. You know what I like people from Philly. You know what I like? Philadelphia cream cheese. One of the cool things is, is you can go on the Internet and you can find so many amazing different recipes. I know there was. It was training on TikTok that you could see. You know how you can make your recipes creamier and more delicious? Hey, put a little scoop, half a block of Philadelphia cream cheese in there and people are going to go, wow. Wow. Okay. Ina garden. Okay. Wow. Rachael Ray. Didn't know you were a Chef Boyardee. Say no, Honey, I just. I just went to visit cream cheese.com for recipe inspiration and so I can start adding Philadelphia into my recipes at home. Philadelphia makes everything creamier. Just visit cream cheese.com for recipe inspiration and so you can live your best life again. Add Philadelphia into all your recipes at home. Visit cream cheese.com that is also the free coolest website name I've ever heard. Visit cream cheese.com and take your recipes to the next level, day or night. VRBO Care is here 247 to help make every part of your stay seamless. If anything comes up or you simply need a little guidance, support is ready whenever you reach out. From the moment you book to the moment you head home, we're here to help things run smoothly because a great trip starts with the right support. And hey, a good playlist doesn't hurt either. Now back to the podcast. Let's get back to Hulk and Brooke. So, you know, Hulk Hogan passed, and apparently doing a little research on the TikToks, he passed this last, this last week while we, we've been abroad and you know, news shocks everybody. Apparently he was in. He wasn't in great health. He had, he had really, really just kind of gone off the deep end. If you had seen him recently, he had this weird stippled, almost spray painted on beard that kind of layered underneath his weird handlebar mutton chop. I don't even know how you described Hulk's very specific handlebar mustache. It was like if mutton chops were glued to your, to your upper lip, it wasn't a normal handlebar, you know what I'm saying? Anyhow, so he passed and his lovely daughter Brooke started to go viral again on TikTok. And I didn't realize they had had such a strained relationship. She said he would say pretty awful shit. I guess he's, you know, not a racist kind of guy. So I hadn't been keeping up with the Hogans. I hadn't been keeping up. They apparently had a very strained relationship. But her single has been going viral again on TikTok and I'll tell you what, I'm ready for a Brooke Hogan comeback. I hope that nobody thinks that when I compared Brooke and Hulk to my dad and I that I had a strained relationship with Kyle, he was a wonderful non racist man. Really great guy. But I just, just. I don't know why WWE was in the back of my mind. Regardless, go with me on this journey. Okay? Again, I've had too much chorizo today. But Brooke's been. Her songs have been bopping off on TikTok and you know, Brooke Hogan having a hot single with Paul Wall, Houston's number one rapper. You know, we give a lot of clout and credit to Beyonce from being from Houston. But why are we never talking about Paul Wall who also got in great shape? I think he too may have been on the Ozempics. Cause he looks fantastic. But man, when that song came out, they don't know nothing about us. They don't know baby they don't know Such a good song. And I just feel in celebration of Brooke being Brooke and who she was. I mean, when the Hogans had their show on VH1 that was one of the most iconic television shows. It was like Tiffany Pollard, I love New York. And then Brooke Hogan becoming a star. And they moved to Miami specifically for her thriving pop princess career. God, that was good. That was a good time in history. I want to go back to the simplicity of that time and the innocence that we all felt. We were all probably teenagers. And that's when VH1 had the best fucking programming on the planet. Simpler times, one might say, more creative times. But I just really want to push Brooke Hogan good energy into the world. I feel bad that she had a. You know, things went south with her dad. I know he cheated on the mom. You know, it was. It was a typical. It was a typical. They had their shining moment in the sun, and then things went awry. Things went awry. After the show, she was working at a restaurant. I saw an interview with her where she was. She said that somebody couldn't believe that she was working at a restaurant. She's like, I'm like a regular fucking person. If all this ended. Tomorrow, Brooke, I will work at the Texas Roadhouse with you, baby. We'll be bouncing on peanuts and saying, would you like more yeast rolls? Want some honey butter? Fantastic. As a gal who started in the restaurants, I know I could go back to hospitality. I don't necessarily want to, but I would. I would. But Brooke, I just hope that we start blasting that song and we get her the royalties that she deserves, because Brooke was always my hero. I was always a Brooke Hogan fan. And it makes me sad that Hulk ended up being not such a great guy. And I hope I'm not speaking out of line, but apparently, towards the end, it wasn't great. So I'm thinking of you, Brooke. That's a. That's a. That's a hard. That's a hard challenge. You got ahead of you. You're mourning your dad. No matter what relationship you had, your mourning is lost. And we're praying for a comeback for you, honey. So if there's any way, Brooke, if you want to come on the podcast, I'd love to have you. I promise. This is a professional operation. We've got a studio in Atlanta. I'll come to you, but I would love to get Brooke Hogan on the pod, man. She's a killer, drop dead gorgeous, talented pop star, and also down to earth. Gal knew that when the music. When they cut the music, what did she do? She went back slinging drinks, serving steaks, doing what she had to do to be the Brooke baddie that she is. So that's a weird tangent I just went on, but here we are. Here we are. But, yeah, so. So. Been on this journey, but having a fantastic time. You know what's nice? Traveling with Jeff is. He really is my travel buddy. We've been having a good time. We've been skating down these crazy mountain roads all over Mallorca We. We drove all over Portugal. And a lot of times folks ask Heather, how do you get around? We rent a fucking car. I. I don't know. I don't understand this concept where people go to a foreign country and they act like people don't have cars here. Now, while I love to take the trains, in Italy, I really did. It was too much schlepping. You're relying on somebody else's time. So to answer the first question, you guys are always gonna ask me, how do you get around? We skeet, skeet, scoot, scoot. We had a station wagon that we rented in Portugal. It was fantastic. It was a Mercedes station wagon. And we were scooting all over, vroom, vroom, Having the time of our lives. I want a station wagon. I need a new car. Apparently mine is, there's something wrong. So I'm in the. I'm in the. On the hunt for a new whip. And I'll tell you right now, that Mercedes station wagon, little hatchback, sexy feeling. It hit a couple bumps down in Portugal, hit a couple speed bumps, fell into my cooter, if you know what I'm talking about. Yeah, baby. I think what will be helpful is if Nep, next week you call in with any sort of travel question to the absolutely not line 800-213-7503. And I answer everything. Because you know me, if I don't have a pointed question, if I don't have a little guidance, we could really go from Ozempic to Hulk Hogan to my love for Jeff, back to a very specific breakdown of certain cheeses onto the Epstein files. Speaking of which, what a wild ride it has been. Seeing this bullshit guys going across both sides of the aisle. But the fact that all of a sudden Trump is just like, nope, this is a hoax. This never happened. I'm not on a list. Are you on a list? Never heard of a list. Oh, this is Tom Fooler. This is. This is a bamboozlement. What are we doing here? What is happening? There are people on the left that are on the list. There are people that are on the right that are on the list. But the fact that DJ is standing there going, never heard of it, not on it. You've got to ask yourself what is going on? Absolutely not. The guy went to your wedding to Marla Maples. The guy was at Mar A Lago all the time. And then Trump just said, and I'm quoting this so you can look this up. He said, I never had the pleasure of going down to Epstein Island. Never had the pleasure. What is happening? What planet are we on? It does not matter who you voted for. You cannot look me in my eyes and tell me that that isn't the biggest amount of red flag bullshit you have ever heard in your life. The man campaigned for the second time on the fact that we were going to release all the files. He had people leaving the White House with white notebooks that said Epstein files. And now all of a sudden, Pam Bondi, the AG says, there's nothing in them. We have nothing. Like what? Oh, my God. And you know, Caroline Levitt is just standing there in her Ann Taylor blouse, just. Just sucking down on that Smashbox lip gloss, just grinding her. Her upper teeth to her lower lip, just sucking on it, going, what am I gonna say now as press secretary? Like, this is a hoax. This is an absolute hoax. You know it's a hoax. This. This whole operation, everything. The hoax is I'm staying in Mallorca. I cannot afford this hotel much longer. I. I mapped it out perfectly so that it bookends within my budget. I might have a great Airbnb wreck for you here in a minute, because Mama's gonna have to go to a cheaper resort if I'm staying, because I know I'm gonna get in trouble ripping the shit out of this situation. And all the memes online have just kept me tickled. I've been laying in the pool just giggling like, what are we doing? What are we doing here? Absolutely not. So that's what I'm coming back to. I can't wait. I'll do the research. I'll break it down so once we get to our shows in Florida, we can giggle about it, because this shit is. It's like we are truly living in a simulation. But back to Travel and Leisure. Call into the hotline with some very pointed, specific questions, and I will answer all your questions. And I'm gonna. Next week, I'm gonna go through, obviously, the hotline, but go through a minute by minute, point by point rundown of our trip. Cause we started in Portugal. I wanna tell you all about that. Everywhere we went to eat and drink and the places that we stayed. And then I'll pop back over to Spain. But I'm very excited because tomorrow's a boat day. A boat day is the best day. My number one piece of travel advice that I would tell anyone. Doesn't matter where you are. I don't care if you're in Belgium, you do a boat day. You get on a boat, you find a captain, you go down to a port and you say, hi. Cuanto cuesta? How much? And they say €100. And you say, fantastic. Here is cash. I would like to get on your boat and I'd like for you to take me around via waterways to see the sights. That is the way to do it. The only thing is we haven't really been in the ocean. We have not been. We haven't been dipping in the ocean. We've been to the beach. The water was very cold in Portugal. Jose Frio, again, that's Spanish. They speak Portuguese there, which the Portuguese language is a mixture of Russian and Spanish. You think you get it, you can read signs, but it is a bizarre dialect. I was getting this gorgeous facial from this fabulous Brazilian woman because obviously they speak Portuguese. And she said, heather, we have no idea. The Brazilian dialect is so much slower. The cadence in which they speak is so much slower than how the Portuguese speak. She's like, we don't actually. We're not speaking the same language. I said, interesting. Learn something new here. Learned something new. But I want to break down that whole trip and go really in depth about what we got into. So I hope you don't mind if we do that next week. So again, call in with any of your questions, travel questions. Because this week I really wanted to focus on Brooke Hogan and apparently my diet regimen. Here's the fucked up thing about sharing anything, it's that I've never felt like heavier and I'm not in a good spot right now. And so I don't. I'm not exactly a good example of what works and what doesn't happen. I just share every little aspect of my life with you and then, you know, pray it touches someone. Pray we reach Brooke Hogan. Some positives, though, of the trip is just getting time to spend with my honey. He's sitting on a lawn chair, apparently has recovered from his critter attack, and he's reading the Financial Times and we've just been giggling and we get to the point every day where I've spoken too much to him and I've asked him too many questions and he shuts down and he goes, I have nothing left. In fact, I made Jeff play a game with me that each day we were going to ask each other something we've never asked each other. By night, too. In Portugal, we were arguing. You know, it was like, maybe we didn't need to ask those questions. We've been together 15 years. If we don't know it by now, we don't need to go down that road. And he asked me something random and we just started arguing. He was like, this is so stupid, Heather. Must we? But we're good travel buddies. We have fun together. That's the thing, is you gotta find somebody you have fun with. Whether it's romantic, platonic, whether you're scissoring or they're burping you like a baby, you gotta find somebody that you have fun with. So I feel grateful I have this little cutie in my life who everybody's been asking me. They're like, what's Jeff been doing for the Glow Up Honey, it's called. He's Italian. His skin is so creamy right now. I've had 14 people DM me and ask me about his skincare regimen. He uses a tea tree oil pad that we get from Trader Joe's and he does one wipe down every 14 days. The man refuses to moisturize. I have to lather on the moisture on him. He didn't even sit in the sun. He is a shade baby. He just has that gorgeous Tuscan skin. But he has been glowing. He does have Invisalign in right now, so I will say it makes him look pretty youthful. But we hung out with our friends Justin and Jill, like day 10 while we were in Portugal. Shout out to Jill, I know you love the pod. Love you, babe. And we had such a great time. And Jill was like, I hope we're not imposing on your vacation. I'm sure you want to be romantic. I said, honey, I am at the point of the vacation where I have nothing left to say to Jeff. Need to see friends, please can we hang out? We had such a great time with them at one of the stops in Portugal. But it is funny when you're. You're with your spouse. Like, he's just that person that I can be around where we say nothing. But then my ADD kicks in at 3pm every day and I'm sitting there going, tell me about your life. He's like, what do you mean? You're living it with me. And those who know Jeff know he's a man of few words, which is ironic because he actually yaps all day. But he's a very stoic man. He likes to read. He's an introvert. And then when he's an extrovert, he puts a Zen. And he is fucking the life of the party, okay? Next thing you know, he's shaking cocktails behind a bar, passing out nicotine to everybody in the Tri State area. But his day to day, he's a very low. I almost said low queef. He's a low queef kind of guy. The queefs are few and far between. Now. He's a low key, gentle energy. I'm the one over here where you say, did she snort an Adderall? Or is a chromosome missing? It's called high functioning anxiety. And he reads, he does cards. You know, you could find Jeff in a village somewhere in Uzbekistan just playing solitaire. Very content, man. And on the next episode, I will 100% be getting into what he carried in his bags, because that's all I need to be on video for that. And we need a visual. I will bring the accoutrements with me and we will discuss. But every day at three, just when I think I'm gonna get to the point to fully annoy him for the day, he pops in a happy hour Zinn and that nicotine seeps into the front of his gums and he gets that kick of energy and then he just motor mouth. And that's when I know, I know my boo boo's on that nicotine because he's asking me deep, thoughtful questions and I'm like, we're back, baby. We are back. But speaking of being back, I cannot wait to be back on the road. I miss telling jokes. The summer sabbatical was fun, but it's a fucking rap. We got work to do and we've got some exciting stuff coming up this fall. I'm going to be truly working every single day. Once my feet touch ground on US Soil, there is no rest for the weary. We do not get a break till Christmas. I feel grateful for that. I love traveling. We're adding so many dates, every weekend will be packed. Football season's coming up, so also gird your pussies for that because Lord knows then we'll really never see them. Honestly. Thank God I got a nice 15 day trip with Jeff and then if I don't have to talk to him till after Penn State season. Fantastic, Fantastic. I got a boat day with my name on it, though, so I'm gonna let you guys go. But I love you. I mean, and I'm glad we were able to catch up. And Brooke Hogan, if you hear this, please reach out. Let's do a single together. You know, I don't want to step on your toes, Heather. You don't need to do music. Quit being so selfish. I would just love to interview you, you know, when the time is right. I know that you're going through a lot, but when the time is right. I love to chit chat with you girl, because big fan and unfortunately the passing of dad really made me feel nostalgic for who you are and just you know your music girl, I've been blasting it all. In fact, we may go to a nightclub tonight in Mallorca just to feel alive. And I will be asking the DJ for Brooke Hogan's Singles Only. Thank you but very excited to be back in the studio next week and seeing your little faces. So we'll be back on the youtubes. Thank you guys for letting me take a little time off and stick my feet hopefully in the ocean this afternoon. But boat day's the best day so I'm about to put on a little caftan and let my pussy breathe on the Balearic sea. All right, I love you. Mean it. And again, call into the hotline with any specific questions or summer travel absolutely nots because next week will be a absolute fire double episode because I have a lot to get into in the meantime between time. I love you, I mean it. Ciao bella. Arrivederci and I'll see you on the next episode of Absolutely Not. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. I can hear it instantly. Please note that this episode may contain paid endorsements and advertisements for products and services. Individuals on the show may have a direct or indirect financial interest in products or services referred to in this episode.