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The following podcast is a Dear media production.
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Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? I'll tell you what, I'll tell you how I am sad. I just had. Every woman who's listening to this will understand how disappointing of a situation this is. I got a brand new fucking Tower 28 lip gloss. Brand new, spanking new. Did the Sephora fucking delivery. And what happened? I'm in the bathroom right now at my office. I turn around, flush the toilet. It popped out of my pocket because clearly my FUPA was putting pressure on it. Somehow the top came off, it landed face down next to the toilet. Well, that's done, that's cooked. You can wipe it, you can sanitize it, you can hit it with a blowtorch. There's no way I can put that on my lips. So I had to cut the back end off of it. Cause it's in a little squeezy tube and I'm just fingering the back of this lip gloss, trying to get, you know, my $28 worth of gloss on. Oh, my God. There's nothing worse than when you get a new gloss or new lipstick and it cracks or falls or somebody with a flu borrows it. There's nothing worse. I understand. We are. We've got a lot going on in the world these days. I can't solve those problems. The only problems I can solve right now is I am desperately pleading for Tower 28 to send me some more of their new lip softies because I got that Sephora delivery yesterday that I spent my hard earned dollars on and I was pumped. And where did it go today? In the toilet. Next to the toilet. In the toilet. Would have been cleaner next to the toilet, you know. You know, lip applicator down, that's like, oof. Ooh. That's a rough territory. And there's nothing better than when you reach your hand in the pocket of, you know, a winter coat and you pull out a chapstick and you're like. I know for a fact that I absolutely had like a cold sore when I. When I used this chapstick glass. But I'm just gonna cut off the top and just roll with it. I know that I had walking pneumonia the last time I wore this puff coat, but I'm just gonna roll with it. Yeah. Finding $20 and a coat's fun, but finding a good Tower 28 lip gloss, forget it. Forget it. Nothing better. Really Love their products. Not sponsored. Just love their products, because why? They're clean. And you know what a dirty girl wants to put on her face? Clean skincare. That's what we're into. What else is happening? Let me tell you what. I am so excited to be back on the road this week. It is gonna be a fricking blast. This is what I was born to do. I love touring. I love telling jokes, being with you, holding your hands, cupping your breasts. Whatever you need physically for me from me. When I come to your town, I'm gonna try and give you my all and give it to you, but I cannot wait. I can't wait for y' all to be sitting in the front row and looking right up, up my skirt to my vulva. It's very exciting. Now, I'll tell you what. I'm gonna be trying some new looks on this tour. Obviously, my girls at Show Me youe Moomoo make everything that I wear, even wearing this sweater right now, is from Show Me youe Moomoo. Love them, but we got. We got delayed a little bit with creating the costumes this year, obviously with everything that happened in LA and. And all that jazz. So I'm gonna be wearing a bunch of different muumu stuff, and I don't know what's gonna end up being my show look, but we're gonna have some fun, so get excited. Let me know what you like, what you don't like. Actually, don't tell me what you don't like, because I'm sensitive these days, all right? I'm still healing from my neck job. I had a good, hard look at myself yesterday in the mirror, and I said, you gotta get your life right. And it's not just about, like, weight or health or wellness. It's. It's truly about my, like, mental clarity, too. I put on my weighted vest this morning, which I got. Sold those on TikTok and Instagram. But y' all love the weighted vest. If you do anything in your life, get a weighted vest. Again, any brand will do, but I put that on this morning. I'm really trying to make a hard, concerted effort to get to bed at a decent time. If I'm not doing shows to take my supplements, to take, you know, get out. What do they say? Like, in the first 10 minutes of your morning, you have to get out and, like, stare at the sun and hope that the solar eclipse doesn't burn Your retinas. They say that's the best way to get your circadian rhythm moving in the right direction as soon as your feet hit the floor. Don't look at your phone, which of course I do, but I look at my phone on my way to outside, and I've been sitting. It was 70 degrees this morning in Atlanta. Phenomenal. So I was sitting outside by the pool. The dogs are nipping at my toes, and I just try to get that direct sunlight. It's supposed to be good for you. It's supposed to be good. I'm really trying to make a concerted effort to have a better morning routine instead of just waking up, throwing three slabs of loose bacon down the throat, having coffee on an empty stomach, and then doomsday scrolling on TikTok. But anyways, back to my vest. So I got up and made my coffee out of the collagen. Had my perfect amino amino acids. I'm really trying to, like, you know, move through it. And I put my weighted vest on and my L.L. bean puffer vest over that, and I was cranking it. Now, do I like to listen to podcasts when I. When I'm doing my power walking in the morning? Sometimes. But I also just like to listen to my fucking jams. I had Arcade Fire. I had my favorite song by Robin. You know, Life. Y' all know my favorite song, Life. Anyways, I'm blasting the tunes all upbeat. Dochi. And if y' all don't know Dochi, I don't know if you watched the Grammys this weekend, but she is my girl. Nissan Ultima is one of the best fucking songs I've ever heard. My girl Dochi just won for Best Rap Album. Well deserved, my queen. I got the chapel roan on there. We're hitting the espressos. It's cranked up. I'm hitting the Kendrick Lamar. They not like us. And I'm walking past these insane homes in my neighborhood just being like, they not like us. They not like us. What? No, you know what? All the women in my neighborhood are like, just like me, except voted the opposite way of me. I do think I'm the only Democrat moderate in our neighborhood, but I'm walking through the neighborhood like, they not like us. They not like us. In my weighted vest and my L.L. bean. And I got, like, my absolutely not hat on. Like, they not like us. Like, what a, like, douche lord. And I've got my supportive Nikes on and my tube socks. I'm just, like, cranking it out. And I'M jamming. Okay? If you pass me in the neighborhood, I am jamming. If you pass me walking at Chastain Park, I am jamming. Jamming. But, man, I got back this morning from my 45 minute walk. I was sweaty, I was hot, I felt good. I definitely, I listen, I don't want you fucking morning exercise people to just, Here you go, here you go. I see you right now. You're in your car listening to this podcast going, look, she's coming over to the dark side. I'm not. I will walk in the morning. But if you ask me to do some sort of high intensity workout at 8am it's not gonna happen. But my weighted vest walks. Thoroughly enjoyed it. There's an extra pep in my step. And I will say, what's nice about just literally walking is it doesn't make you starving. You know, when you start doing Soul Cycle or CrossFit or whatever, when you're doing these high intensity workouts and you're just starving the rest of the day. So therefore, it defeats the purpose of doing the exercise because now you're not in a calorie deficit. You've consumed 14 chipotle bowls. Yeah, they not like us. They not like us. But, dude, I'm power walking. And then I come back, I shower, and I'm like, okay, my day is set. I'm really trying to get my shit together. I really am. I. I don't want to, I don't want to say it because you guys will make fun of me. I'd love to be in a bikini by July. I'm going abroad in July and I'd love to be in a bikini by July. I say that now. You know what? I'll be eating backstage at the comedy club in Huntsville? Chicken tenders. But as long as I get my walk on in the morning, they not like us. I think I'll be good. I said that to myself today. I'm like, I. I have not worn a two piece bathing suit in 45 years and I am 37. What are we doing here? And not that you need to. Okay, these are private conversations I should have with myself, but I'm so glad I put them on a public platform. We often hear about, like, the red flags we should avoid in relationships, but what if we focus more on looking for green flags in friends and partners? This is why I love betterhelp help therapy. Because you can have a positive spin on the things that you're dealing with, whether you're dating, married, building a friendship, or just working on yourself. It's time to form relationships that love you back. And if you're not sure what those look like, therapy can help you identify green flags. Actively practice them in your relationship and embody the green flag energy for yourself. I have benefited from therapy. I love my therapist. I love being able to chat with somebody who can just help me work through the things that I'm feeling, you know. And honestly, it's great for like positive coping skills. That's the best part of therapy. You realize how to take the tools in your toolbox to go out into the world and have better relationships with people and just be a better person. Listen, BetterHelp is fully online making therapy affordable and convenient. Serving over 5 million people worldwide, you can access a diverse network of more than 30,000 credentialed therapists with a wide range of specialties. Easily switch therapists anytime at no extra cost. Discover your relationship green flags with better help. Visit betterhelp.com absolutely today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp betterhelp.com absolutely. Again, that's betterhelp.com absolutely. Again, Betterhelp is fully online at your convenience. You're going to be so glad that you signed up. The world is chaos. There's so much going on. But you know what? You're going to get help at Better Help. So go to betterhelp.com Absolutely. I am back on the road, which means I am throwing AG1 in my suitcase. Listen, Valentine's Day is also around the corner. This is also a great gift for the person that you love. If you want them to have prebiotics, probiotics, immunity and just have an overall just good feeling. AG1 is phenomenal. I've worked with them for like four years because truly it's about consistency and self care. And this is the one product in my life that I have been able just to take a scoop in the morning, mix it with a little juice, mix it with a little water and you have 75 vitamins, minerals and whole food sourced ingredients that make you feel like you can conquer the day. If you are having a hard time with consistency this year, try AG1. I promise you with one scoop you will just really feel so much better. And it's never too late to create a new healthy habit for 2025. So try AG1 for yourself. It's something I've actually really been able to stay consistent with and that's why I've been partnering with AG1 for so long. And AG1 is offering new subscribers a free $76 gift. When you sign up, you'll get a welcome kit, a bottle of D3K2, and five free travel packs in your first box. So make sure to check out drink ag1.com absolutely to get this offer. That's drinkag1.com absolutely. To start your year off on a healthier note. I'm telling you, you're going to love AG1. I'm obsessed with it. I took it over to Australia with me. I'm gonna be taking it on the road. I keep it, you know, everywhere in my life. And it also makes a great gift if you, you know, I'm sure the people in our lives are thinking, you know what, we always put ourself on the back burner. But this is the year for you to stay consistent and show up for yourself. So check out drink AG1. Ladies. Let's take a minute to talk about something important. In the epic words of my 90s idol, salt and Pepa, let's talk about sex. Anyone who has ever experienced infertility like I have will get this. Sex is all you think about. But that's okay, right? Because sex is fun. But what if you didn't want it anymore? What if you lost your desire? Did you know that frustrating low libido is a real medical condition? It's called hypoactive sexual desire disorder or known as hsdd. And for certain premenopausal women, there's an FDA approved treatment just for it. It's called addi and it's the number one prescribed treatment for hsdd. In clinical trials, ADDI was shown to improve desire, reduce stress from low desire, and increase the number of satisfying sexual events. So don't be mad and sad feeling bad, thinking about the things that you never had. God, salt and pepper truly were the Shakespeare of our generation. Head over to Addy's website at a d d y I.com to see if Addy is right for you.
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Addy or Flovanserin is for premenopausal women with acquired generalized hypoactive sexual desire disorder who have not had problems with low sexual desire in the past who have low sexual desire. No matter the type of sexual activity, the situation or the sexual partner, the low sexual desire is troubling to them and is not due to a medical or mental health problem, problems in the relationship or medicine or other drug use. ADI is not for use in men or to enhance sexual performance. Your risk of severe low blood pressure and fainting is increased if you drink one to two standard alcoholic drinks close in time to your ADI dose. Wait at least two hours after drinking before taking Addi at bedtime. Your risk of severe low blood pressure and fainting is also increased if you take certain prescriptions over the counter or herbal medications or have liver problems. Low blood pressure and fainting can happen when you take Addi. Even if you don't drink alcohol or take other medicines, do not take if you are allergic to any of the ingredients in addi. Allergic reactions may include hives, itching or trouble breathing. Sleepiness, sometimes serious can occur. Common side effects include dizziness, nausea, tiredness, difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep, and dry mouth. See full PI and medication guide including boxed warning@addy.com PI or call 844-PINK PILL
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addy that's a d d y I.com can I tell you I did something. I did something diabolical the other day. I was trying to look up a video of mine on Instagram, and so I typed it in and I thought it would just take me directly there before scrolling through. You know, like, instead of having to scroll through, like three years ago, I just typed it in on Google. Well, then I ended up on a Reddit thread of myself. First of all, all the information that these people are going back and forth on Reddit about, like, random shit in my life, they're all wrong. Which is funny to me. They're literally all wrong. I'm like, if I so much as would pee on a pregnancy stick, I will tell you on this fucking podcast because I have issues. But I made the mistake of the other day of I don't know why I clicked on this thread of the Internet, of the dark side of the Internet, and I read something, I just read such mean comments about myself, whether they were physical, you know, anything. And it was stupid. It's stupid. Don't. If you're at home, do not Google yourself. And usually shit does not get to me. If they were right on things, whatever these gossip mongers are trying to figure out, I'd be like, oh, okay, fair enough. But they're all wrong. But man, I, I, I. It really hurt my feelings because it's just, it's like, who in their right fucking mind goes on the Internet and creates a link to talk about my weight or to talk about my tits or this or that or anything? Who? I'll tell you who. Somebody who's fucking obsessed with you. So I called, I actually called Jackie Schemmel. I was in tears. I was like, jackie, sometimes this job, like, for fuck the haters, fuck the people. But, man, you know, you get on a thread about yourself, and you just literally want to drive the white Audi hybrid over a bridge into the Chattahoochee. And she was like, fuck these fucking people. She was like, heather, listen to me. Anybody who takes the time is obsessed, so just remember that. And I was like, you're right, Jackie. I haven't been in a bikini since, I don't know, third grade. And she was like, you weren't even in them then. And I was like, you're right. It's just, you know, it's stupid. So regardless. Regardless, I. Again, this is another thought I should have kept to myself. Heather, these are private thoughts that you have with yourself. You weren't going to tell anybody. You weren't going to share on the podcast that you cried for an hour because of how mean somebody was to you on the interruption. You weren't going to do that. Weren't going to do that. You were going to say. You were going to just not even bring it up. But now you've opened a can of worms, you dumb bitch. You dumb bitch. They not like us. They not like us. Perfect transition as I'm sucking down unsweet iced tea from the Chick Fil A. But anyways, let your haters be your motivators. So that was also a part of it that I needed the mental clarity of, you know, getting my steps in, getting my walk on with my weighted vest, doing my thing. It's for me. I'm packing so many supplements and bands and stretching things and things that my physical therapist, Sandy, has recommended for me on the road. I've got one suitcase just full of balls and whips, and none of them are sexual. I mean, I guess we could make them sexual, but none of them are sexual. So I'm just trying to, again, really put my best foot forward this tour and not burn myself out and not be in so much pain after every weekend. But I am going to be wearing high heels, trying some new boots. You know, we're switching it up. This Just little tiny things, but I cannot wait to see y' all in Huntsville and then see you guys in Birmingham. And then next week is Vegas and we are hitting the ground. It's like Bamboozled Tour. It's all new material, and I can't wait. You know, also, starting from scratch can be a really scary experience, and especially in this biz, because you're only as good as your last gig, right? And I'll tell you what, it. But. But this is the fun part. It's going out, it's trying new, it's finding out what works. It's getting in the zone, getting in the pocket, feeling the energy. And there is no greater joy in my life than coming out and getting to giggle with y'. All. I love y'. All. I love you. This is the best part of my life. So let's, let's be on the positive. Let's be on the up. Speaking on the positive and the up. I went a little off the grid this past weekend. I did a secret gig, if you will, for some corporate baddies. And that was a new challenge for myself as well. I went, friends of friends had asked me to come do this gig and I was very excited to do it. And I said, you know what's a great thing to challenge yourself is to perform for people who aren't necessarily your fans. Like, like everybody that we were with on this trip was so fun, but a lot of people didn't know who I was. And yes, it's easy for me to go out on stage in Birmingham to sold out shows in front of a bunch of southern women, but it's also exciting to go to new places and test new stuff with new people. And that was a fun challenge and I had so much fun and it really lit a fire under my ass this weekend just to, just to remind myself, like, do things that scare you. Go for it. Also, there is no better high rush feeling in the world than standing on stage and giggling in some sort of sequin number. So I cannot wait to be back on the road. But we went down to the BVI's, I hit St. Bart's we were in the BVI's, you know, we were rolling around, I was drinking a painkiller. If you don't know what a painkiller is, let me pull up the exact ingredients. Painkiller drink. Okay, if you don't know what a painkiller is, it is a drink that is rum based that they serve you in the British Virgin Isles that will absolutely send you on your fucking way, okay? To a dark underworld of fun and sun poisoning. Painkiller is a rum cocktail often associated with the British Virgin Islands. Its place of origin, the painkiller is a blend of rum with four parts of pineapple juice, one part cream of coconut and one part orange juice, well shaken, served on the rocks with a generous amount of fresh grated nutmeg. A painkiller is so good. And if you're severely hungover from drinking white wine with people from corporate America, you absolutely need to get one, dude, I had two outside of a place called the Sandy Bottom Dollar beach or something at Jost Van Dyke Island. And when I tell you my eyebrows were removed from my face, okay, I could. Everything was Iriman. That is Jamaican, but you know what I'm saying. I was floating in the water watching catamarans go by. I may have done a little gummy feeling loose. I was live laugh lovin'. Now this was technically a work trip, but what was great is I got to network with a bunch of cool new people. It was a private gig, which was fun. I didn't know if at one point I might have been sex trafficked. And then that's all. Also something that was kind of a. A negative. In the back of my mind, I'm like, well, nobody wants to sex traffic you, Heather. Cuz remember all those mean things you read about yourself online? They probably feel the same way that that one woman does who keeps commenting mean things about you in your Instagrams and on the interwebs. But let me tell you what, Let me tell you what. After two painkillers in my show me your moomoo bathing suit. Ooh, honey, ooh, what you gonna do? I was feeling it. They had a man on a steel drum playing red red wine make you feel so fine. And I'm out there just making the cheeks clap. Just brat, brat, brat, brat. And it was a couple's trip. So Jeff was there and he was like, that's my girl. Smoking a cigar on the beach. Tina was there. Cause it was a work trip, so she was also there. But we had a great time. It was fun to write new material in a beautiful place. And that's kind of where I do my best work. I gotta get out in the elements. I gotta get to a beachside bar and have a painkiller. And then the ideas just start floating, trickling out. I would say my best work is after. Is after a painkiller. So if anybody in the Birmingham area knows where to get a good rum drink, holler at your girl. Met so many wonderful people, just had a good time. But man, if you wake up hungover and I'm talking about, like, you know, your mouth is dry, you don't know how you're gonna make it. Have a quick painkiller, and you are back in action. And that was another thing I read about myself online. Someone's like. She's like, party so hard. That's what's so funny. I don't. Yes, I go out and I have a drink Every now and then, y', all, your girl does not. I mean, if. If you've been here since the beginning, for the longest time. I always tell you guys, like, please drink water when you come to the shows. Get your life together, have a good time, but remember, safety first. But when I get to the islands, man, I'll tell you what. I started drinking that rose at 4 o'. Clock. You don't even feel drunk. But it's that. It's that white wine sugar hit the next day where you wake up and you're like, I can't. I'm. I'm literally not going to make it. And then you dive into that ocean, baby. You let that salty, salty water just run over you. You got to get the hair wet. If you're hungover, not getting your hair wet is not going to fix it. You have to full mermaid submerge your body. You need to go underwater, have 10 seconds of just Wim Hof breathing, but without drowning yourself, and then you come out of the water. Grab a painkiller. You're good to go. You are good to go. But I'll tell you what island life is for Meeman. And then we were at the San Juan Puerto Rico airport on our way home, sitting at the Margaritaville. And I had chicken tenders at the Margaritaville because they were fire. But they just kept playing Jimmy Buffett. Obviously, it's his joint. They kept playing gorgeous In Memoriam videos of Jimmy Buffett. My friend TJ and I are just sitting there eating our chicken fingers and fries, just giggling because we're like. It was that point of the trip where you've had so much fun, you met so many great people. It was a very successful work trip. I've gotten some new material, like things are. I felt like very, you know, just a great trip. I'm sun kissed, and I'm sitting there with our friends and Jeff and Tina and all of our new friends. And we're just watching this In Memoriam video. And at Margaritaville, which is an incredible establishment created by an incredible man, Jimmy Buffett. And they have videos of him driving up on his little dinghy, his little boat, serving margaritas to people on other boats. Just living that island life, man. Happiness, joy on his face. And I looked at my friend, I said, gone too soon. Wasting away again in Margaritaville. I mean, think about the joy that Jimmy Buffett had in his life. He was a guy from Mississippi. He wrote music. It was all about being happy and joyful, kicking your shoes off, getting the toes in the sand gone too soon, man. I actually think he passed of skin cancer. So, you know, talk about going out doing what you love, baking in the sun, making cocktails for, for you know, other yachties and just living your life. But what a legacy he, he has left behind. Because if you're a parrot head and that is not a inappropriate term, fans of Jimmy Buffett are consider and call themselves parrot heads. I mean gone too soon. It was a real crescendo at the end of the weekend. Just sitting in that martyr Margaritaville in the San Juan airport, just looking, looking at this video thinking I am richly blessed. But man, would I have loved to have been buddies with Jimmy Buffett. You know who's one of or was one of his besties? Susie Orman. They lived on this island together. I gotta find out where they lived. Where did Susie Orman. If you don't know who Susie Orman is, I want you to currently I want you to google who she is. She's a financial power lesbian baddie. But then I want you to. Then, then I want you to. Then. That wasn't English. Then I want you to go on YouTube and watch the old SNL impressions that Kristen Wiig would do of Susie Orman. And it is so fucking funny. They lived on a private island in the Bahamas. So he lived next to like his best friend who is a power lesbian financial guru who was probably like, you know what, you've made enough money off these parrot heads. Come, let's live on this island together. You know, this is what I love about a lot of these financial investors. Financially savvy, you know, because Susie Orman, her whole thing was that you can't afford it. Stop it. She was like the antithesis of Dave Ramsey, but also a, a, an expert in finances, but she's notoriously known for being cheap. But guess what? What did Susie Orman do was on a private island living. Cause at the end of the day we can't take it with us, man. You know what I mean? Sometimes you just need a painkiller, your ass in the sand, a couple bug bites just to feel alive. And this is a great transition. I'm really hoping that if you were on the fence last minute about coming on the cruise that you do get your tickets@heather.com. we have a couple rooms left and I would love to have you on board. It is gonna be so much fun. And I'll tell you, being down in the BVI's this past weekend really just made excited for the cruise. It is going to be so much frickin fun. We got comics, we have musicians, we're going to have drag nights, going to be dressed up, we're going to be doing the frickin most. It is going to be fun. So it's not too late to sign up. You can sign up, get your tickets, Heather, at c dot com. That's going to be a whole nother thing. And you know what we're going to do? I'm now implementing this every day at 5:00'. Clock. You know, it's 5:00' clock somewhere. We're pouring one out for Mr. Buffett. We're pouring one out for Mister Jimmy Buffett. Again, not to be confused with Warren Buffett, who is also kind of a cheap financial guru, but Jimmy Buffett. We're living that Parrot Head lifestyle. Oh, man, gone too soon. Yeah, I was sitting at that Margaritaville and just had one tear rolling down my cheek, thinking, miss a man, you know, Cheeseburger in paradise. You know what? I love cheeseburgers. You know, where they're fantastic. In paradise, I'd have a cheeseburger and a painkiller every day of my life. And I've told you this. As soon as I get to play Madison Square Garden and or host snl, you will never see hear from me again. And then all those trolls online give me like, where'd she go? Bitch. I'm in Margaritaville. I'm wasting away again at the San Juan Airport. Margaritaville. Oh, man, life is good. Really put things in perspective, though. Let your haters be your motivators. And remember, sometimes you just gotta sit back, have some sort of fruity rum cocktail. Cause we don't do that enough. We don't do sugary drinks enough. You know, the vodka soda, the tequila soda. I don't want that. I want lemon, lime. I want citrus. I'd like a guava. I'd like a touch of passion fruit. You know what I'd love? A shaved nutmeg over my pineapple Coconutty rum drink. You only have two. And then you're back to the whatever and soda. When do we get to the point in life where we can't even enjoy a fruity drink without feeling guilty? Like, too many calories, too much sugar, too many carbs. Fuck that. Fuck that. Maybe if we all sat back on a Tuesday and had some sort of sweet treat, sugary, alcoholic bevy, we'd all get along better. Y' all don't want to hear that, do you? I mean, if I'm at a cocktail spot and you're Shaving a nutmeg. Ooh, forget it. I'm just banging on the desk. Fabulous. Give me 14 of them right now. Some of y' all don't know what that reference is. Some of y' all don't know. Have you ever realized how many subscriptions you're actually paying for? And not really using it is wild. It is mind blowing. You will be ashamed at how much money you're just throwing down the drain. And if I asked you how many subscriptions you had, would you really be able to list them all? If you had asked me this question before I started using Rocket Money, I would have said, yeah, of course. But let me tell you, I was so shocked to find out how much money I was truly wasting. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that finds and cancels your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills. And I can see all of my subscriptions in one place. And if I see something I don't want, I can cancel it with a tap. I never have to get on the phone with customer service. It's just easy breezy, done. Let's cut off the dead weight. They'll even try to get you a refund for the last couple months of wasted money and negotiate to lower your bills for you by up to 20%. All you have to do is take a picture of your bill and Rocket Money will take care of the rest. Dude, this is really a no brainer. Rocket Money has over 5 million users and has helped save save its members an average of $720 a year with over 500 million in canceled subscriptions. You know what we love to say is you canceled. Okay. Stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to Rocket money dot com. Absolutely. That's Rocket money dot com Absolutely. Rocket money dot com Absolutely. I literally check this all the time. This is one of my favorite things on the planet that I use because there is nothing better than finding that extra $20 here. That's $10 here. It all starts to add up. And Rocket Money can help you get rid of those unwanted subscriptions. Go to RocketMoney.com absolutely. You know that I love a little gummy at night. And as we head into the new year, the goal, you know, is just to drink less and enjoy gummies more. Okay. And I used to have a glass of wine a night, but now that I've been trying something new with my gummies, it's changed the game change. Listen, alcohol doesn't have to be the default anymore. If you're looking for a healthier way to relax and have a guilt free good time, you've got to try Cornbread's THC gummies right now. Absolutely not. Listeners can save 30% off on their first order. Just head to Cornbread Cornbread Hemp. That's Cornbread Hemp.com Absolutely. 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Off that the clock that weekend doing other gigs. But, you know, hopefully I'll be back for the other award seasons shows. We're still waiting on the call for those, so fingers crossed. It was so great to see the Grammys too. I feel like we're back. You know what I mean? We're back. My girl Dochi. My girl Chapel Roan. Beyonce. One for Cowboy Carter. She's going on the road. We are back, baby. We're back. I think I'm gonna go to the Cowboy Carter show in New York before my show at the Beacon in New York. So any other girlies, gays, days and thems who wants to go? Maybe let's get a party bus and go do it because that could be really freaking fun. I want to see it in Atlanta, but I'm not going to be here. So if anybody wants to go to MetLife, y' all let me know. And then we. It's the Wednesday before the show in New York at the Beacon. That could be fun. I already got the costume. I already got the dude. I live a Cowboy Carter lifestyle already. Bedazzled rhinestone denim, booty shorts, boots, titties to your throat. I will also say at this little, you know, private gig that I did this weekend, I've never seen better boob jobs. Lot of gals. Great work done. So shout out to anybody out there who's rocking the saline or the silicone. You know, those look fun and they've gotten really good at them. I mean, my, my tits are, you know, I haven't even fed a child with them, but they're definitely gonna be need to be lifted in a few. But man, I've Never seen such great titties. And I was asking, after two painkillers, I'm asking everybody, can I feel your jugs? And you know what wasn't turned down once? Consensual. I asked permission, but I've never felt so many great titties than I did down in the BVI's. This weekend. Everybody had a new set of jugs. And what did they all say? Wait till you have kids. They're gonna suck you dry. And then your nipples are gonna look like stop signs. And every. Like, they. Like the. The anger in these women of just how their children ruin them was so great. And I'm like, but you look great. And like, yeah, because I use Dr. Such and Such. And you're like, all right, look at that glass half full. But, man, nothing is better than the smell of sunscreen, a painkiller, and some new titties. Fun. That is fun. And I better be seeing the new titties on the road, okay? I want to see those boobies. And if you've had work done, I'm sharing my work. You let me see it. You know what I mean? Don't hide that tummy tuck scar at these shows. No, no, no. On the Bamboozle tour, I want a belly Jane on top of that bad boy. You know? I want to see that those hips don't lie. And where did you get your work done? That's what I want to see. Oh, there's nothing better, too, than when you see a hot mom and you can see that she's had a reconstructed belly button from a tummy tuck, and you're just like, yes, Cindy. Yes, Cindy. And the first thing she says, she's like, hi, I'm Cindy. I had triplets. They all go to Auburn. And you're like, yes, Cindy. Cindy. What do you do for fun? Well, I had a tummy tuck. Like, that's just her whole personality now. And it's so fantastic. It's so fantastic. And I'm not saying you need to do it. I just love an older gal in her, like, late 40s, early 50s who has a reconstructed belly button and wants to talk about it. That is so much fun to me. That is so much fucking fun. I want to see the scar. You know what I mean? I want to know about the recovery process. I'm just. It's fun. I like to pry. Be nice to me. I just dropped a $28 lip gloss in the toilet next to the toilet. I need a painkiller. Everybody lay off me, all right? We're Gonna get at the voicemails. As always. You can call in 800-213-7503. Let's see what has happened. Oh, also wanted to say this gal's gonna call into the podcast later when she's not working. I got a really cool text today. I got a dm. Hold on, let me pull this up. Hang tight. A gal messaged me. Okay, all alarms, alarms emojis in the. In the dm. Single girl, Delta Sky Club. Win. Hey, girl, I need to call this in to the absolute yes line on the pod, but first time in the Delta Sky Club since getting whatever the purple Delta credit card is, which is the Delta Reserve, and I got an instant phone number. She said, aunt Heather always knows the best. I said, please call into the hotline. We want to hear the story. So if, you know I keep telling you, girl, is if you're single, look cute. Go to the Sky Club, put a leg out, let them know. I don't know what the universal sign for I'm single and available, but she sent me a photo of the letter that this guy wrote her. It says, hi, you look like you're in a meeting, so I didn't want to bother you, but I'm sure there is. I'm sure there is no way you're single, but if you are, text me. I'd love to connect all my best. And then it has his name, y'.
- [41:50]
C
All.
- [41:51]
B
We found love in the Delta Sky Club. We found love in the Delta Sky Club. I love that. I love a love connection. So hopefully, listener, caller, if you hear this, please call in the hotline. We want to hear all about it. Oh, it just popped up. Look at that. Let's get to that one first. Okay, here we go.
- [42:14]
C
Hey, this is Anonymous from Atlanta calling with an absolutely yes. I know you always say that the Delta Sky Club is the best place to find single men, and I have to say that is correct. I'm nearly single, and I went to the Sky Club today for the first time. I just got the purple Delta card, and within 30 minutes, a guy left me a stumper. So that's a win. Not sure if I'm going to go yet, but I will keep you posted. All right, love ya. Bye.
- [42:40]
B
Okay, so this confirms this just came through. Tina just pinged it. I mean, we gotta pat ourselves on the back, get out there. You know what I mean? I know traveling is stressful and it can be expensive, and, you know, you're running late or you're worried about catching your connecting flight or whatever. Take that resting bitch face off and get in there and smile. I don't care if you're munching on a hard boiled egg in a cheese cube like, ladies, get your ass to the Delta Sky Club, okay? That is where you're going to find other power lesbians and men who are out there moving and grooving and making deals and working on synergy and flexing their Rolexes. It's not even about that, but you know what I mean. Now, here's the thing. Caller who called in, you need to take him up on this. Text him. Don't be shy. Because at this point, any man who is willing to make the first move, approach you like that has the balls, the gumption, the confidence. We're going to give him a date. We're going to give him a phone call. We're going to give him the time of day. All you can do is go on the date, have the FaceTime, the phone call, whatever. And if you're not feeling it, at least you got that confidence back. And you can respectfully say, hey, I don't think it's going to work out, but you're going on that date. And there is nothing sexier to a woman than a man who has the balls to do that. Not this. We're hiding behind our phones. I'm sliding in your dm. Hey, you're fantastic. Don't want to bother you, but here's my number. I'd like to connect. What if the guy's like, she calls. He's like, hey, I'm a plastic surgeon out of Dallas and I didn't know if you wanted a tummy tuck, knowing me. That would be me. Like, for some reason I don't have my rings on, I'm in the Sky Club and someone's like, hey, I didn't know if you wanted an upper bluff. My wife's a big fan. Oh, no, I wasn't asking you out or trying to flirt with you or make Jeff jealous at all. I was just noticing that the left eye's a little droopier. Oh, is it because you have severe eczema that kind of has inflamed the upper eyelids. Oh, that's tough. But anyways, come on down and see us in Dallas. Plastic surgery. God, that would be fantastic. That excites me that, you know I love Delta. I love Delta Airlines so much. And you know what I love even more? The Delta Sky Club. And you know what I love even more? Love connections. You know what I love even more? Wonderful, respectful boss men. Who see a gorgeous woman and go for it. Fuck, yes. Oh, man. I hope you somehow coordinate your flights, because you probably weren't flying to the same place. I hope you somehow coordinate flights, fly to meet each other in, like, Orlando, and have sex in Disney World. Like, I just. I want it to happen. I have a good feeling. We're positive. We're on painkillers. We're positive today. This excites me. And again. I know. Deep eye roll, Heather. You've been out of the game for a long time. I hear you. I hear you. Listen, if I was single again, you know where I'm not finding men at a comedy club. So my ass would be in the Sky Club, honey. I'd be dressed like Lauren Sanchez in a white suit and a bustier, just chomping on boiled eggs and cheese cubes and a glass of white wine, putting out the vibes, hooding out the vibes, period. But this excites me. First day in the Sky Club, and look at what happens. It's a beautiful thing. Okay, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [46:23]
C
Heather, I don't know if this is a question or absolutely not, but I'm about to have my 20th high school reunion in the next year. Or, yeah, next year. Which still blowing my mind that. That we're old enough to do that. But there are some girls that I graduated from high school with. When I see them around Townsville, they kind of look the other way and act like they don't see me. And I keep running into them at, like, fundraisers and just different things. I keep bumping into these same few women, and they just give me the cold shoulder. Don't look up. Don't try to speak. I try to say hi, and they, like, look the other way, like I have leprosy or something. Like, I don't know how we're approaching these people. Because you, like, myself, are getting to that point where, like, that reunions coming up, like, do I just skip it all together? I kind of want to go, but, like, I don't know how to, like. Like, I know I was weird in high school. I know everybody does dumb shit. But, like, what I want to do is, like, why are you still, like, what did I do that you still don't want to even say hello to me? Like, was I just that weird? Was it just that painful to be around me? Maybe, but, like, that's my question, is, like, how are we approaching these situations, especially for those of us, like myself, who are, like, the awkward, weird girls that, like, just didn't fit in anywhere, and I've kind of grown into, like, a normal person. So, anyway, yeah, how are we approaching this? Because that's kind of an absolute. Not just to not speak to someone. Anyway, love and Light would love to know your thoughts. Bye.
- [48:03]
B
Okay, thank you, caller, for calling in. Wow, there is a lot of pressure around these high school reunions. My 20th is coming up this year. In fact, I think I got to help my girlfriend Annie plan it. All right, so interesting when you first. When I was first listening to the beginning 20 seconds of this voicemail, I'm, of course, obviously, immediately placing the blame on these other women being like, oh, they're. They're nasty bitches. But you did say something. You said something. Was I that rude? I believe that's what you said. Or was I that weird? Again, we all said dumb shit in high school. We all had insecure moments. I mean, if you think back to the shit that you did in high school, none of us should be speaking to each other. Okay, again, I shoot everyone in my tits at every party. I'm not proud of it, but also, they looked great back then. I also went to the same school with these kids from kindergarten through 12th grade. So it was like nobody was. No one was looking. I was just desperate for attention. I think you. You rip the band aid and go head first. I think if you see these women at another. I think you said you. You bump into each other at different philanthropic things, charity events. You go right up to him. Hey, Kelsey. Hey, Leanne. Hey, Natalie. It's so good to see y'. All. Are you guys going to the reunion? And that's a great. Listen, that is a great segue right there. You're opening them up. Cause you're asking them a question and put it on them. Anytime I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I just turn it and I put it on the other person. Not as in, like, you know, combatively, but I just ask them a question about themselves. At the end of the day, these gals may feel so insecure about stuff, you know, you never know what people are going through. Hell, fuck, it's been 20 years. One of these chicks could be on her third divorce, and every time, it was her fault. You know, one, give yourself the benefit of the doubt. We were all weird. We were all. Even if you were popular, you look back, you're like, you were still fucking weird. Just go up to them, rip the band aid if they don't make eye contact with you. If they're assholes, fucking call them out and move on. But you go to that reunion. Go to that reunion. As long as you, you know, I mean, go. I always say go to the reunion. You never regret the things you don't do. No, that's not what it was. That's not it. Oh my God. Don't go to the reunion. Do not go to the reunion. No, you never regret the things you do. You only regret things you didn't. I personally feel you would always have a little tickle in your tummy that you would regret that you didn't go to this if anything caused a scene and tell them to fuck off. But you never know what people are going through. I mean if you don't think that I'm most excited to see like the horse girl from my grade, then you must not know what I'm about. They not like us. They not like us. I went to such a small school though we were really all very tight and I went to the grade above me. I was very close with my girlfriend Cammie who is the co founder of Show Me youe Moomoo. She invited me. She had planned their 20th reunion last summer. So I went to that with like my besties Annie, Mary and Katie because we were all again a small private school, we were all besties. So we went to that and it was so much fun and man, seeing some familiar faces. And Jeff's 20 year reunion is this year. And Christina's like, you're going Jeff. And they went to a really big school, a New York school. And Jeff's like, I'm not going. She's like, you're going. And I was like, jeff, you're going. We're going. We're going to the 20th reunion. This is gonna be so fun. But I say you go. But when you see these ladies out, call em out. Kelsey, hey, I thought that was you. And go up to them first. You never know what they could be insecure about. And if they're weird or if they're assholes or one of em's like, you know what bitch I'm surprised you're even speaking to because you were such a bitch to me in high school. Duke it out, clear the air and then move on. And here's the thing, you're gonna go back to your high school reunion and be a lot prouder of where you are in your life than you think. You know, you're gonna go back and be like, everyone's doing fine, we're all doing fine. It's gonna be okay. Yes, somebody's gonna like Pop off and be highly successful. Someone's gonna, like, have turned into a AI robot. It is what it is. But I love a reunion. I love getting the pack together. I love being around people I don't even necessarily like because I love the tension. We went to a wedding, a dear friend of ours wedding, and there was a guy that I dated in college that was at that wedding, and I was so excited. I was like, oh, my God. Tension, crazy drama. It's gonna be nuts. And we get there, and I thought Jeff was gonna, like, let this guy have it. Like, you were mean to my girl. Jeff literally looks at me and he goes, that's what you were fucking worried about? You lost sleep over this fat motherfucker. Goodbye. And I'm like, so you're not gonna say anything? And he was like, no, Heather, no, no. And I was like, fine, Jeff. And literally, I was like, why? Why did I even think twice about this situation? And I want y' all to remember, at the end of the day, unless you're writing something mean about somebody online, at the end of the day, people are so wrapped up in their own shit, they're usually not you. Unless you are one of my many angry female stalkers who is upset about something I have done. Whether it be my eyelashes, whether you didn't like my shirt the other day, go fuck yourself. You not like us. But it's so true. Everybody, listen. Think about it. We think about when you went to the junior high dance. We were all so insecure and so worried about ourselves. Everybody feels the exact same way. So if you go into it with a little bit of that empathy, energy, you're going to have a great time. And if a has got a fight, all I'm saying is allegedly, you know, bring a sensible sandal in the purse or a flat if you got to get on them. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [54:02]
C
Heather, it's Kara. I'm going to keep it short and sweet, but when I heard you say send in medical stories, I had to call you right away. Going to keep it vague in the name of Hippa, but I'm a labor and delivery nurse, Been doing it for eight years now. And when I was a brand new L and D nurse training, we had a gal who had a baby with her husband in one room. And then a little time passed, and it caught on that that same guy was also having a baby with his girlfriend in another room. And it was one of the nurses that caught on and was like, is this same dude in Both of these rooms. And I was being trained by a gal who had been a L and d nurse for 30 years, and she was freaking out and she was. I guess he swore us to secrecy. And she was like, what do you mean? We all know, but she doesn't. Anyways, yeah, absolutely not. To having a baby with your wife and your mistress at the same time at the same hospital. Love and light. Tiramisu bitch. Bye.
- [55:08]
B
Tiramisu bitch. Whoa. That is the tea. Oh, my God. Could you imagine? First of all, I want to say this. I have never understood how. How anybody, man or woman, could balance a second family. I get it. Plenty of people cheat. Plenty of people do nefarious things outside of their marriages. I don't condone it. I think it's hurtful. Just tell that person you don't want to be with them. But how anybody could have the energy to host a second family is beyond me. I mean, people will call into this podcast and say, like, my dad had a whole other family in Idaho. How could you keep up with that? My brain hurts, my back is tired, my plantar fasciitis is throbbing. How would anybody have time for. Or energy or, like, the clarity to keep up those kind of lies? Man, I need more. More voicemails like this. So the guy's. His wife is having a baby in one room and his girlfriend is having a baby in the next room. Well, one expert timing on his part. Wow, he must have, you know, two girls, one cup. You know, he did two girls. Two girls, two holes that night. I mean, what a scumbag. But also, what timing. I'm sure as a labor and delivery nurse, you see the drama, the tea, you see relationships unfolding. You see people coming back together. You see, you know, daughters and mother in laws fighting. You know what my favorite videos though are? Oh, you know, my favorite videos online are military homecomings. People who are colorblind, getting those special glasses so they can see the color purple for the first time. I am obsessed with little kids getting their cochlear implants so they can hear their mommies laugh for the first time. And you know what else I'm fucking obsessed with? When a woman's just given birth and they've named the baby, like, you know, Margo after grandma. And she comes in and they're like, hey, Granny, I want you to look what's on her bib. And she's like, margo, that's my name. And then everyone's sobbing. Or the best is when the girls name one of Their children after their dad. And you see these big men. It's always like a guy in an LSU sweatshirt. And he comes in and he's just. And it's always his daughter who has just given birth, and she's like, daddy, Daddy, look. Look at the bassinet. Look at what his name is. And he's like, God damn it, you named your baby Chester? And then they're crying and he's sobbing on his LSU sweatshirt. And the girl who just gave birth is like, I love my daddy and I love Chester Junior. And then I'm crying and I'm commenting, We all love Chester. And it's a beautiful moment. Oh, those videos are so special to me. Maybe it's also clearly a little bittersweet because my dad can't. But, man, those videos get me. Oh, also, also, something someone said on the Dark Web was that I've made my dead father my whole personality. And then they commented, what if she lost, like, a child or lost, like, someone else in her life or a sister or a mother? I was like, so my dad's insignificant because he died first? What the fuck? Oh, my God. Insufferable. I was like, no, I just talk about the things that I've been through, you know, I mean, I've got plenty of friends whose other relatives have died. Do you want me to bring them on and we'll chit chat about it so you feel seen? Fucking A. But, oh, man, I love a video. I love a birth video. I'm obsessed with you. Well, sometimes YouTube or TikTok or Instagram reel women giving birth in cars, that there's nothing better. I don't even know how the guys set up, like, the dash cam. They always have a dash cam up and they're like, they're on the phone, 911. We're an hour away from the hospital. It always happens in, like, rural Oklahoma. And then the mom's like, it's coming, and she just pulls the baby out through her crotch and just puts it on her chest and starts hitting it. And it's. I don't know if there's something just very maternal, feral, like, we can do anything kind of energy. These videos very much so excite me at night and not. I didn't mean to say excite me at night in, like, a creepy way, but I don't know why. I love watching these videos of women giving birth in cars. Obviously, you know, they're the ones that are. Everything goes well, but, man, there's nothing better. And the dad still driving. He's like, we're 15 minutes out. Then they've got, like, music playing in the background. It's like Morgan Wallen. And you're just like, what I would love, though, if somebody uploaded a Giving birth in the car video, and then it's Kendrick Lamar's They not like us playing in the background. Like, that would just really be full circle for me. I cannot believe this guy, though, was at two women giving birth to two of his children in the same hospital. This is when we need to bring back TV shows like Cops. Do y' all remember how good Cops was, man? It was always shot in, like, south Florida or somewhere. Like, super sketch. It was, like, inland Florida. And it would be this shit all the time, all the time. This just kind of drama all the time. And I'm not saying that this situation would end up on Cops, but these are the kind of shows that I miss where it's just a little bit of white trash drama. Oh, yeah, baby. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. I don't know why a man having two babies by two different women in a hospital made me think a copy. But that was just such a good show. It was always some, like, white guy smoking crack on the back of a pickup truck. And the cops are, like, right there, like, at the stoplight, but they're down in, like, somewhere like Tallahassee, and they're like, oh, shit, Rodney. Oh, shit. And then the lights come on, and then the cops start chasing them, and the guys would. No one would have shoes on. No id, no weapon. They're like, I'm just trying to hit this real quick before we went and wrestled some alligators. And you're like, this was good television. Now I have to watch, like, rich, sophisticated women get Blackout and fight over a Birkin on the Real Housewives of New York. Boring. Bring back Cops. And it wasn't, you know, it was petty crimes. It was stupid shit. It was like your neighbor stole a can of beans from you or took a shit on your lawn, and then the cops had to come over, and somehow at every episode, they were wrestling an alligator at every episode. That was just great television. The theme song for Cops was great. Anyways, I really touched on a lot of points for this subject on this voicemail, but that's just how my brain works, you know, A to B to Z. All right, let's get to the last voicemail.
- [62:38]
C
Hi, Heather, calling in with an absolutely not. I will remain anonymous for obvious reasons. Took care of a patient recently who was an elderly man who inserted a CPAP water Reservoir into his rectum. And that is all. So absolutely not to that.
- [63:04]
B
What is this episode? This week I've done a full tribute to Jimmy Buffett. A woman found a love connection in the Delta Sky Club. We've got baby mama drama. And now we have a man who's put a CPAP water spout up his ass. I mean, come on, Talk about range. It's like two days ago, the Four Seasons, Maui and the Cracker Barrel started following me on Instagram. Honey, tell me she's thriving without telling me she's thriving. Wow. I mean, whenever I'm watching medical TikTok and you know, I follow a bunch of different surgeons and medical professionals, Number one thing they say, I think I said it last week. Don't put things up your butt that don't have handles to come out of your butt. My God. And those CPAP machines are no joke. You know, my dad was one of the originators of the CPAP machine. Not like he created it. He was just one of the first patients. And when we did junior senior wars every spring, where, you know, the juniors junior class would, like, prank the senior class and you'd, like, toilet paper each other's houses or whatever. I'll never forget my dad sat. Slept downstairs in our guest bedroom with a cpap and he hurt. It was like monitors. I mean, my dad was like, pretty much ex military for having never served. Okay? He had night vision goggles and he scared away a bunch of kids because he came to the door with his CPAP machine. And they've definitely modified them. And I think there's minimal equipment. But back, I'd say 25 years ago, 20 years ago, the CPAP machines were a whole situation. And I just remember a kid in the grade below us saying that they saw my dad standing in his underwear with his CPAP machine in our glass door, probably with some sort of weapon that was absolutely not necessary. And they were like, we egged your house and we got the fuck out of there, you know? And my dad would just blasting. They not like us. They not like us. CPAP machines, though, are also saving a lot of marriages. Jeff has had two separate sleep apnea studies, and he does not have it. He does not snore. So I wanna throw this out there. My husband does not snore. What he does is he chokes in the middle of the night. He's like, the mouth is open, and then it just all of a sudden is a choke. And then he gets up and I'm hitting him on the back and he's dead asleep. He does not remember any of this. And he often says, I'm not making this up. My hand of God. Jeff will vouch for you will vouch for me. He often has a recurring phrase that he says in his sleep paralysis or whatever this is. He says, the Coke bottle. The Coke bottle. The bottle cap. The bottle cap. And the first two times he did it, I was like, what the fuck is this guy talking about? So I recorded it one night, showed him the next day. Cause he didn't believe me. He thought I was gaslighting him. And sure enough, he's like. When he's choking, he sits up on the edge of the bed and he says, the Coke bottle. The bottle cap. And I almost think that, like the tickle in his throat when he's catching air is. It feels like a loose Coca Cola bottle, Mexican Coke, like, rattling in his throat. I don't know. So I recorded this, I showed it to him and he was like, oh, shit, this is fucked up. But he's gone to two sleep studies where you have to go to the lab, sleep there. They're watching you. They probably probe, put things in your butt and they're like, no, you don't have sleep apnea. Yeah, he's got something esophageal that we gotta figure out. But regardless, the CPAP I do know is saving marriages and saving lives. Listen, we all gotta work on the sleep schedule. Do not put the CPAPs up your butt. But we all gotta get that good, good. We all gotta get that good good. And if you, you know, when you're over 35 and you get one night of kind of shitty sleep, you're fucked, you're ruined the next day. That's all you can talk about. You feel it in your bones. You feel it in your joints. You're spiraling on WebMD like, you know, did I have sex with a ghost last night? I don't know, I'm just didn't get good sleep. There's nothing worse. I. Apparently in the middle of the night, I don't get up and eat or munch. But dammit if weird shit doesn't show up from Amazon or TikTok shop two days later. I got a Zara order three days ago. Do not recall making it. I don't. And I'm not on the narcotics at night. I'm on half a gummy, cruising, feeling good, waking up refreshed. But a couple nights I have had to take a Benadryl. And I'll tell you what, I'm a quarter Benadryl. You know, driving to McDonald's and back, I can't take. I can't take the bennies. I cannot take the bennies. But a marijuana gummy. I'm cruising. But I do think that one of my little niche things I do. Hi. Is I'm ordering online and I don't remember it. And honestly, it's kind of a fun surprise. It really is. It really is. I had a Navy Seal prepper's guide come the other day. Don't remember this. I also got an all natural apothecary bus. I got some new mouth tape. I will say the mouth tape. I'm back on board. You know, I used to make fun of Jeff, started using the mouth tape, and then he had to quit because again, he has a deviated septum. Everyone's like, where's the mouth tape, Heather? Well, he was doing mouth tape for two months until he realized he went to his doctor and they're like, you can't do the tape, Jeff. You're not getting full oxygen. That's really what's fucking up his breathing. He's got to get his nose fixed. He broke his Nose playing hockey 20 years ago and has just been suffering since. I felt bad about my neck for like a week. And I was like, cut it off, men. They will just drag shit out. It's like they're hemorrhoids. Nip it and go, what are we doing here? They not like us. I've literally told Jessica, get a consultation, Go see somebody, get your nose fixed. What are we doing here? Instead you're waking up in the middle of the night going, bottle cap, what are we doing here? This is why I'm going back on the road. And don't ask me, is Jeff at the show? No, he's at home choking by himself. I can't. I need a break. I love you, honey. I know you'll be listening to this, but also, if I come home and you put some sort of weird CPAP machine up your butt, I'll probably stay with you. So that's where I'm at. I do love these medical absolutely nots. I mean, as long as y' all aren't gonna legally get in trouble and you don't say your name and you know, tell us who did it, who done it, who. Please keep calling in, cuz these are fun. These are almost as fun as old episodes of Cops, y'. All. I want everybody to remember, no matter where you are mentally, physically, this week, get out in the morning, get a little 10 minutes of sun in the morning if you can. If not, order some sort of red light. Get that red light therapy. That seasonal depression. The sads is around the corner. We can't. We. We're not. We're not gonna let the devil take us over in February. January was 65 fucking weeks. We are in February. Now. We're gonna lift our heads up. We're gonna be positive. We're back on the road. We're grinding, we're walking. We're still eating chicken tenders, but we're walking. And we're smiling and we're smiling and we're smiling, period. All right, I've been rambling. I gotta get the fuck out of here. So excited to see you on the road again. Get your tickets at Heather on tour dot com. Birmingham, I'm pretty sure is all sold out. Huntsville, the first show on Wednesday. We do have tickets. So this comes out literally the day of. So please get your tickets at heather on tour.com Vegas. We have tickets and a lot of these other shows are sold out. So please get your tickets now. Do not wait till the last minute. I'm very excited for y' all to see the new material and I'm just excited to see your faces and giggle. I love you. Mean it. I'll see you on the next episode. Ciao, bella. Riverderci.
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Bye.
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Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon. Hop from train to train I feel the vibration taking control of me Shines a light so bright it plays out like a symphony I can hear it instantly.
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