A (0:00)

The following podcast is a dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are ya? 2026, baby new year, new me. That's a lie. Same bitch. But now I got a burnt titty. We have a lot to discuss today. Can't wait to get into the voicemails and hit the hotline and hear what you have been up to over the break. But man, I really, I really singed myself. I seared a titty coming into the new year and I didn't think it was gonna be that big of a deal, but I really have a wound. So if you're watching this on YouTube, you can probably see I've got a light pink. Show me your moomoo cardigan covering my breast. Because you can see the wound through the thin tea, y'. All. I was an idiot. I really thought I was gonna start this year with optimism, enthusiasm, a sense of peace, and I just totally seared my breast. And if there's one life lesson that I learned, I mean, I had probably one of the worst years ever. And it's. There was so much else behind the scenes that was crumbling, but had one of the. Just a really tough year. And everybody across the board said like, bye, see you later. 2025. We're done. See ya. Lights out. Onto the next one. And here it was, December 28th. I was getting ready to go have dinner with a ton of my friends. Very excited. And I messed up my routine. And you know, I'm not a routine girl, but I messed it up. I messed it up. I decided to do my hair before I was gonna do my makeup, which never works. I made makeup first, then hair. Even if it's. You gotta blow dry, I will sit and let that hair air dry as long as it can before I take a Dyson to it. And I was topless. Cause I was getting hot. Cause you know, it's that time of year where one minute you're good and the next minute you're melting. And I didn't have a top on. And so I was just raw dogging it and curling my hair. I have curled my hair. I do my hair on the road. I do my hair all the time. I know how to do hair. Okay, Your gal is a glam gal. And I was on the left side and I was curling and I had that extra long, bio ionic long, like two foot barrel, one inch around. And I just kind of was lost in thought. I was thinking positive things like, you know, the end of the year, we made it. You know, God is good. We have so much on the horizon for 2026. I was looking kind of off into the left side of the mirror, wasn't paying attention, and sitting just kind of as the curl was. I was releasing the curl as I was releasing the curl. I heard it before I even felt it sizzle the titty. I now have a. I would say a 2 inch burn wound, probably about second degree on my titty. I screamed. I immediately dropped the curling iron. Jeff was like, what did you do? I'm like, I burned a teddy. It missed the nip by a quarter. A quarter of a centimeter. And it's bad. I went to dinner that night. I didn't even think to put. I think I put like a cold martini on it and was like, it's fine. It's gonna be fine. I'll be fine. And then the next day, I woke up, it had already bubbled, the skin had burst. And we are onto wound care. I never thought I'd be spending every waking free moment in 2026 tending to a wound. But we are here. And all jokes aside, I am very anxious because I love my breasts. And you know, I have other friends that are going through breast. I'm very sensitive to the breast area, but I love a good cleavage and I don't want to have a huge scar, like out of all the places right on the titty. Come on. So I'm up in the middle of the night doing my wound care shout out to Dr. Pimple Popper who took the time. She said, girl, text me the photo. She's like, you're healing nicely. It's not infected, but you're gonna have to ride this out. She's like, this takes a long time to heal. So here I am. Thank God I'm not doing awards season. I'd be wearing a turtleneck at every damn event. I'm just very sensitive right now physically. And my nipples itching because the skin's trying to mold back together. And I have like colloidal silver and all this specialty cream. My urgent care doctor called in and it's making my left nip itch. So if you see me out in public and I'm just scratching a nip and please don't say anything. I'm panicked, but it's not good. I can't really wear A bra. And here's the thing about wound care. So if anybody ever gets burned, I want you to know I fucked up. I was too nonchalant about it. It hurt, but I thought I was gonna be fine. I was like, I'll be fine. I'll be fine. I'll just put a cold drink on it. I'll be fine. As soon as you get burned. Immediate cool. Immediate cool. Ice on it. An immediate wound keep. Immediate ointment. Vaseline, Aquaphor, something to lube it up to save the skin. I went out and got drunk and kind of thought I would ride it out. Bad idea. And also, just never do anything with a hot tool. Don't curl your hair, don't dry your hair. Don't straighten your hair. Don't use fucking hot rollers. Nothing on bare skin. Do not. Raw dog. A. A. A hair utensil, A hot fire hair utensil on loose titty skin. I knew better, and that's the problem. The skin around the breast is like the skin around your eyes. You have to be very delicate with it. And I have great nips. I mean, thank God. Thank you, God. We saved the nip. But the skin around it, I mean, it is. It is a giant. It is half a cell phone length of just wound. And I love. My one thing was I love to show a good decolletage. I love to have the nips out. I love everybody to be able to say, she's got good jugs. And I should have known the Lord was like, you know what, Heather? We're gonna take one thing away from you this year. That good cleavage. Because you need to figure out how to get people to respect you for your mind. That's overrated, I'll tell you that right now. Who gives a fuck, you know? But that's where we're at. I mean, I thought burning my grundle at Starbucks was bad, but here's the problem. I never got litigious with them, which I should have. But now I only have myself to blame. This was actually user error. The Starbucks situation was half the guy who handed me the coffee and just the whole setup in general. But this was my own user error. Lost in thought, thinking of positive things, thinking of what a great new year it's gonna be. Something sizzled Teddy, and I am making jokes, but this burn is very bad. Like, Jeff was like, holy shit. And the thing that I've learned about wound care is you gotta keep it moist. You don't want it to scab over. But the problem is where the wound is. I've got all these, like, nonstick wound hydrogel pads. But the way the titty curves, right, It's. It's a round. It's like trying to stick a band aid on a ball. You can't really get to a place where it makes a little canopy so that the wound pad keeps your shirt from, like, squishing it. Like, you can't really wear a bra. There's no way to protect it. So every day I take off the non stick, which is some bullshit wound care pad that's been doused in this silver cream, Vaseline, Aquaphor, and six other antibiotics. As soon as I take that off, the fresh new layer of skin that was healing, that was growing, that was reconnecting, my breasts back together is just ripped off. It's. So I asked Dr. Pimple Popper, I said, Dr. Sandra Lee, what do I do? She said, you're actually doing all the right things, but you gotta be patient. And if anybody knows me, they know what's the one thing I was not born with. Patience. I do not have patience. So maybe that's something I needed to add to the vision board this year. Patience. But I feel like I've had patience over the last seven years. You know, Jen and I are working on a script with this TV show at Hulu, and we're praying it gets picked up. Please add that to the vision board. I've been patient. I've sold many shows. I've worked my dick off for the last 10 years, and I'd really love for something to really pop off this year in a big way. And I know anybody could say, God, you've done a lot. Yes, I've done a lot, but I'd really love to be in the TV and films. So all I'm saying is this is the year. But I have been patient. Lord, but I guess I gotta be more patient. Just did not expect a fully singed breast at the top of my year that will probably not heal till March. But you know what we are doing in March, which, if I get the time off, I already booked my return. I haven't booked my flight there, and I'll tell you why in a second. I'm going to Japan. Konnichiwa. I am so excited. Jeff and I just finished Shogun, an incredible TV show. I'm just really in the Japanese spirit. And I don't know if, as a white woman, you're allowed to say you're in the Japanese spirit, but I am. And I know Japan is a hot spot for tourism right now, okay? It's like how everyone was going to Tuscany two years ago, but I was going there 10 years ago. All right? I know everyone's going to Tokyo. It's accessible. I've done Asia before. I've done Cambodia, Vietnam, Thailand. Had the time of my life. But it's been a minute since I've been able to get back over there. And Jeff and I have saved every fucking Instagram video, every TikTok. We have it all planned out. We downloaded this app that helps just truly be the fat ass that you want to be. You take all the Instagram videos that you saved, and then you upload it to this app, and then it maps out where all the snacks are. That's what fat asses we are. So I think I'm go to Japan for my birthday, and I'm really trying to do this on points, y'. All. I. One of the goals for this year was to become super financially savvy and smart. I know how to make money, which is the hardest part. But then once I get it, I kind of just give it to friends, and that's not good. You know what I mean? And I know that's insane, but that's always just kind of. I'm just like, all right, who needs to do what? So I really wanna step into my female financial prowess this year. And as somebody who travels professionally, I have, obviously, oodles and oodles and oodles of points on every credit card, every point system you can imagine. I mean, I'm a million miler. I'm 360. I'm diamond. I'm like triple diamond now on Delta, because that's how much money I spent on the reserve card. Like, you don't even understand what. What kind of MQDs your girls are working with. So I booked Delta on the way back, but I really want to try a and a. It's called Al Nippon Airways. And they have this. This room. It's called the room or the suite. And obviously, my dear friend Brian Kelly is the points guy, and I follow all of his articles, everything from his company. I follow everything from rome.com to point me. There's all. Now all these different systems you can use and algorithms you can use where you sign up. And it's like a hundred bucks for the year, and you just type in where you want to go, and it'll show you the best deal. And sometimes it's Delta, sometimes it's, hey, you can fly first class on Air France, but you're not going to book it through Delta. You're going to call Virgin Airlines and then you're going to talk to a woman named Susan and you're going to tell Susan the password, and the password is top of the morning to you. And then she's going to go ahead and tell you to transfer 65,000 chase points over to, not to Delta, but where you you're transferring it over to. I'm going to tell you your Ross for Less credit card and then that's going to get you first class on Al Nippon Airways that is in no way connected or aligned with any of these other airlines. So. But really and truly, I like using these, some of these, what am I trying to say? Programs, systems, companies. It's like a hundred bucks for the year. And I've been able to fly internationally a lot by using other credit card points. So I have all my global upgrades from Delta. But now I'm like, I really want to get smart at this. This is so stupid. This is money sitting bank somewhere that I basically can't use. But I didn't realize how impossibly hard it was to book this flight to Japan on Japan Airways or Al Nupan. They're two competing Asian airlines. And I just want to do it. I just want to do it. So I'm deep on Reddit, I'm in the blogs and I, at this point I'm not asking for help because I'm like, I am going to fucking figure it out. I am so sick and tired of everybody being like, oh, Hendrix can have a question. No, I'm not asking any fucking questions. Although I think if you ask questions, you're not stupid. All right? You're smart, you're delegating, you're getting it out of the old think tank up here, okay? But I was like, I'm gonna figure this out. And I've booked plenty of other flights before on points using some of these systems. But this fucking, this fucking fancy ass flight to Japan that I wanna experience, okay? I wanna do the 15 course omakase in the room. It's basically like you're sleeping on a full size bed. And the guarantee that I see online is if you figure out this points deal, you can fly all on this airline on a California king bed, eating 15 course omakaze while a, you know, a handsome, a handsome man rubs your feet and drapes you in cashmere for $14, 38,000 points and a hug from your grandmother. Well, that would be impossible cuz mine are dead. But you get what I'm saying, and I haven't been able to figure it out. So I'm calling, I'm calling, I have to call Virgin Amer or Virgin Atlantic to basically find out when this coveted first class flight opens up. So I'm on a first name basis now with the people at Virgin Atlantic because I realized I was like, I'm not finding it in the system. Then when I got deep on the blogs, the real point travel people are like, yeah, you gotta wait. You gotta wait till the guy Ron answers the phone and then he'll tell you when the airlines are giving away these first class seats. Because here's the thing, money wise, it adds up to $38,000 to do this flight. Is this out of my budget? It sure is. I'm not spending $38,000 to fly somewhere if it ain't private. You know what I'm saying? And that's the whole thrill that you get with these points. I'm like, I've spent the points on other travel expenses for tour. Now I'm gonna go, I wanna get this very expensive thing for nothing. That's it doesn't matter how successful you are, how savvy you are with algorithms and math. At the end of the day, I am Robin's daughter and I will always be at the bottom of the sale bin searching for a hanky panky thong in a size large that's 75% off. Do you understand what I'm saying? I'm recording this on Tuesday. Tuesdays is when Robin goes to Ross for less because she's a senior citizen and gets an extra 10% off. I'm the girl that told you to get the Breville espresso machines 50% off at TJ Maxx. I'm the girl who told you to go to Nordstrom Rack to get the rag and bone stretchy pajama jeans that from a block away look like regular jeans. Okay? So if you don't think that in 2026 I'm going to figure out the points and how to fly high while being financially savvy, you must not realize this bitch took an Adderall and got. And she's got goals. So long story short, though, this is what I realized. The whole point thing is it's not even who you know, it'll make you crazy. And I realize it's just a bunch of people who don't have jobs who can figure this out all day. So essentially, these fancy airlines, they will only release reward tickets is what they call them. So it's. It's A, it's. They'll release like one or two first class seats on a flight from LAX to Tokyo that gives you that insane deal where you're flying for like zero points, no money down, the whole kitten caboodle. But you got to transfer it from a Starbucks gift card onto a Visa to your Crunch Fitness. You got to go and join a Crunch Fitness, and you got to go over to Panera Bread, order a soup bread bowl, make sure it's broccoli cheddar. Then you're going to ask for a woman named Nora Nor is going to blink twice, and then she' going to give you a secret key. You're going to take that key across the street to Waffle House. It's going to unlock the bathroom. Then a tiny little computer is going to pop down from the wall on that koala thing that you change children on. And then a screen's going to pop up and it's going to be a representative from Al Nippon Airways. And then they're going to laugh and yell at you in Japanese and be like, you're a dumb bitch. This is never going to happen for you. Good luck. But maybe, maybe we'll dangle a carrot. No, we're not going to dangle a carrot. We're going to dangle daikon because we love daikon over in Asia. And you're going to go across the street to an AMC theater. You're going to watch every single minute and second of the, of the, the Dune trilogies, okay? And you have to sit in that theater until Dune 3 comes out, which is next Christmas. And maybe, maybe then we'll release these reward seats for 40,000 points that everybody on the Internet says that they've gotten to enjoy. Okay, sorry I went on a tear there, but that's where I feel. That's how I feel. And you know me, if you tell me I can't do something, I'm gonna do it. I respond better to negative reinforcement than people kissing my ass all the time. Like, if you're like, nah, I didn't love it or whatever, I'm like, well, fuck you. I'm gonna find a cute outfit you think I've ever had. When Ray's like, don't love it, I'm like, fuck you, bitch. I'll be at the mall in three seconds. That's just. I don't know. Now that I can't figure it out, I'm gonna figure it the fuck out. And Jeff's like, hey, babe, we're leaving in like two months. Can we just book with Delta, like, tried and true. I'm like, we're going. I always feel like Delta. I just want to try this cool airline that I see all my shabby friends flying on for free. Everybody wants a refresh. It's a new year, new me, and I want to refresh. And you know what? Sometimes I really want to refresh my home. And I'm starting to shop right now for things for my new house when I'm moving in June. And listen, you can never start too soon. And this is why I love Wayfair, okay? You can get bedding and bath basics. You can decorate your kids rooms. Honey, you can get storage for every space, okay? And that is my one thing this year. I'm going to be organized. I am not taking the crap with me. And I love Wayfair because they have everything. You can get it all in one spot. Whether you're looking for like a room refresh. You want accent pillows or mirrors or decor, faux plants, whatever you could imagine for any area of your space, you can get it. Maybe you need kitchen essentials for every weeknight. You just want to make easy dinners. You want to make it easy. They have kitchen essentials. Maybe you're working from home. Like, I'm going to be moving my podcast studio into a new space in the house and I need desks, office chairs, bookcases. I need a razzle dazzle the space. I need it to look fantastic and fresh. And this is why I love Wayfair. Okay? Wayfair is just so easy. And it's really honestly easy to shop Wayfair because you can just look at loads of different products for any kind of room, any kind of decor, any kind of mood, any kind of, you know, feeling. Wayfair has it. Get organized, refreshed and back on track this year. For way less, head to Wayfair.com right now to shop all things home. That's W a Y F A I R.com Wayfair Every style, every home. Again, that's Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, Every home. Anything you can imagine, Wayfair has it again. You're going to go to Wayfair.com Wayfair Every style, every home. Now back to the podcast. It's a new year, new me. But honey, I still like to relax by the beach and feel like I'm having something truly delicious. And that's why I love senorita. Do you know what senorita is? Let me tell you, it's thc margaritas. Okay. They literally transport you to vacation, to a relaxing time. And this is why I love Senorita. It's a line of margaritas that uses THC instead of tequila for a hangover free experience. They're delicious, they taste amazing. And what I love is they have real juice, organic agave, they're low in calories, and a little dash of Himalayan pink salt. Plus, they give me a buzz without the booze. They've just solved one of the biggest problems, which is never knowing what you're gonna feel like the next day after having regular margaritas. And this is why I love Senorita. They're THC margaritas that are just awesome. They've got delicious flavors like lime jalapeno, mango margarita, grapefruit paloma, and there's ranch water. Okay. It's their riff on a Texan classic made with THC soda and lime. And honestly, it's fricking delicious. If you're curious about swapping tequila for thc, then this is your sign. Senorita makes it easy, and it gives me the perfect social level. With out then like next day, what did I do? Disappointment or my head is just absolutely ringing. Plus, they're fast on set and come in 5 or 10 milligrams with low calories and real ingredients. Truly, THC has never tasted so good. You can get these marks shipped right to your door@senioritadrinks.com Again, that's seniorated drinks.com Treat yourself, treat your friends, treat your taste buds. Your cabana awaits. Baby must be 21 or older. And please remember, enjoy responsibly. This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Squarespace. Squarespace is the all in one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online. And whether you're starting out or scaling your business, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, or grow your brand and get paid all in one place. I love Squarespace. I have been working with them forever, and this is the perfect time. It's a new year. You're going to sit down, you're going to write down your goals for your business, and hey, what's the best place to start? Is having a gorgeous online presence. And the one of the reasons why I love Squarespace is they just make it so easy breezy to do that. Here's the deal. One of the best parts about Squarespace is they have cutting edge design technology. Okay? They have design tools. Anyone can build a beautiful, professional online presence that perfectly fits their brand or businesses. Start with Blueprint AI, Squarespace's AI Enhanced design partner. Or choose from a library of professionally designed and award winning website templates. No matter where you start, your website is flexible to what you need. You can have email campaigns, you can accept donations, sell content. They have analytics. Okay. You can add so much cool technology and cutting edge technology that can just make your website run super efficiently. And what I love it is say, you know, you're a massage therapist and you want people to be able to sign up for appointments right online. They can do all of that on the back end of Squarespace. It makes it so easy for you to run your business efficiently. And that's what we're all about this year, is efficiency. Okay. You know it, I know it. Head over to squarespace.com Absolutely. And when you're ready to launch, use code Absolutely. Save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Again, that squarespace.com Absolutely. And when you're ready to launch, use offer code absolutely. To save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Now back to the podcast. But I do have to lock it up financially. I've been a little. I'm going to say this too generous. And I don't mean like. I mean in just like, what are we doing? I was going through some expenses, and I don't know if y' all feel that way. You're going through expense. You're like, what the fuck did. I don't even have things to show for. It's not like I'm buying couture. My dad used to always say, robin, you're gonna nickel and dime yourself broke by going to Target three times a day. I'm not even going to Target, so I gotta figure it out. I gotta lock it up. But this year, don't ask me to do it unless I can do it on points, okay? Hate to be a buzzkill, but that's where we're at. Anywho. So we're. We're trying to go to Tokyo. We're moving this year, which is exciting. We don't move into our house till June. And just to answer some questions. Cause I got a lot of DMS about that. Yes. Robin knows we're moving. She's gonna be 15 minutes down the road. I think if Jeff and I ever want to have a kid, we need to be able to have sex in the kitchen. And there has been no drama leaving Robyn. We love her, but I just said I think it's time that we really do this. On our own, we can do it. So we're very excited. And trust me, there's plenty of room. Robyn will have a room if she wants to come stay. We're 15 minutes down the road. Everybody calm down. But a bitch needs to be able to walk around her kitchen with her burnt titty in her underwear and not have my mom be like, that looks really bad. You know what I mean? You know how I had an episode called Suffer in Silence about a year ago where I just wish Jeff would suffer in silence? There are days I want to suffer in silence and I don't need my 78 year old mother going behind me going, heather, that looks really bad. Heather, that hump on your back looks really bad. Heather, your roots look really bad. I just don't need the criticism because I already know my dogs are criticizing me for my burnt titty and this weird hump I gotta get removed on my back. I don't also need my nagging 78 year old Italian mother being like, that looks really bad. You know, I need a little bit of a break from that. I was having a gorgeous, relaxing day over the break where I said, I'm actually gonna bed rot. And I don't have the ability to bedrot often. I really don't. And I. And I was in bed and I'm watching. What was I watching? Like rewatching Curb youb Enthusiasm from the beginning. And it's just great. And the dogs are snuggling and I'm so comfortable. And Robin opens the door and she goes, hey, I need you up right now. We're gonna reorganize the downstairs closet and throw away all your coats. I just shut the door and was like, be down in 10. Like, I can't wait to be able to have a boundary where I'm like, today I'm not doing the chores, Robyn. I'm almost 40. We're not doing them. I'm laying in my bed that I paid for and I bought and I'm just gonna sit here and rot and fuck. Fester like an animal. Let me be. Oh, that looks really bad. So that's where we're at. But, you know, can't come soon enough. Literally this morning, as I was standing in the kitchen and I've got my robe on and I took Saran Wrap because I didn't. For some reason this. These nonstick pads are still sticking. So I saw online that maybe you could use a little Saran Wrap. And I'm like, well, that seems genius, because if you Saran Wrap, the Wound area and put oil on the back of it. It'll kind of slide off and it won't make it. You know, it won't stick to the wound. And they put Saran wrap around your arm or your wrist or wherever you get a tattoo. So this all makes sense. So I'm Saran wrapping my titty this morning in the kitchen with a coffee in one hand and Robin just comes out. Oh, my God, that looks really bad. And I just said, get, get. Call the movers, we gotta go, we gotta go. Oh, God. But anyhow, I hope you had a beautiful holiday. And if it was stressful, I'm sorry, you know, that was the other thing too, because. And the holidays weren't stressful, they were pleasant. We went down to the Turks and Caicos right beforehand and then we were just at home. But we don't do gifts. And I feel like there's been this black cloud over Christmas for quite some time now. My dad died on the 23rd. We just celebrated the 10 year anniversary of my dad's passing. Didn't celebrate it. We honestly were like, fuck it, I'm completely dead inside, but here we are. But my mom has like, December has been a really hard month. Her birthday's at the beginning. And I said, we have to change this narrative. The day after Christmas, my mom wanted to take down the tree. The morning of Christmas, none of us opened a single gift. It was just, I think we put such a personal dark cloud over the holidays. And even though the holidays for us obviously changed after my dad passed, I said, we're not doing this anymore. So I walk upstairs and Jeff's in his room and he's changing. He's gonna go down and cook steaks. And I said, jeff, I sit down, we're talking, and he's like, whoa, what the fuck is going on? What did I do? I said, we're not doing this again. We're not doing this. This is the last year any of us are moping around fucking Christmas. In fact, you know what I want to do in our new home, which everyone will be invited to. I want to have a fucking rager. I want to bring so much Christmas zest and zeal and, and squeals and fun and it will be forced. And I don't give a fuck. I'm going to have blow up snowmen outside the gates, okay? I don't give a shit. We're bringing Christmas back. And he was like, let's fucking go. I said, I can't do this anymore. And my mom, of Course, as we were putting up the tree at the beginning of the summer, was like, well, I guess you can take the tree. It's the last year it's gonna be in the house. And I'm like, mom, you keep the tree. I'll get my own tree. She's like, what's the point of putting it up if you're moving? And now I'm getting guilted. So I said, we're gonna have a huge party. Now. It has been requested by a lot of my friends to have the party in between that dead space of New Year's and Christmas. So maybe we have the party on, like, the 28th, and it's a rager. I'm talking. Pool is heated for the kids. Bouncy house outside. We got. We fly over DJ Remo for my wedding in Italy, right? It's catered. It's. We've got, I don't know, stripper poles. I want to do something lit. So I told Jeff, get excited, because I have been the fucking grinch the last 10 years you've known me. And we are about to change things up. Grinch no more, bitch. It is fucking Mrs. Claus over here. And you know what? You're all getting flights to Tokyo if I can figure it out, because those will be free gifts, because I've already spent the money on other things tour related. But Jeff got excited. He was like, no, we're gonna start new traditions. He's like, we. You know, and maybe it's just my mom needs to be in a different space where if we celebrate it at our house, it's gonna have a different energy. But I said, I can't do this anymore. Oh, that looks bad. You know what I mean? Oh, that looks bad. Christmas makes me sad. We are not gonna do it anymore. We are changing the fucking energy. I say that now, I will be probably in tears in 12 months. But anyways, I know the holidays can be tough for a lot of people. God. Also, side note, fuck me. This fucking titty wound is making me sweat. And these lights and this sweater. Oh, my God. Hold on. I'm having a hot flash. I gotta take it off. I'm sorry, y'. All. I'm just wearing, like, a very basic white tee, which I'm not supposed to wear white in front of the. On the screen. I've been told, whatever. I'm sweating my dick off. It's like the wound is burning, my insides are burning, my hormones are all rattled. I'm talking about the holidays, so, you know, the spirit of my father is making me sweat. And I'm also excited because guess what? Hottie, totty, hottie, fucking toddy, Ole Miss going to the Fiesta Bowl, y' all didn't see that coming. None of us did. But we're here for it, dude. Ole Miss is America's team, okay? And to all the Bulldogs and all the other people in the sec, you better be rooting for us. You know, Lane Kiffin thought he was gonna cheat on us and do us dirty and leave us for the bigger batter, broad as he thought it was, which is lsu Baton Rouge. But nah, we're going all the way. And you want to know why we're going all the way? Because we got the light of the Lord. I don't know if you saw our boy Trinidad Shambliss, but his mother, after the first quarter, came down, down to the field, and she put hands. She laid hands on Trinidad, and they said a quick prayer, and I know it. Whether they just exchanged words, I know she anointed him. And he went out there and had one of the best games he's ever had. Because we were anointed by the light of the Lord. And I'll tell you what. I'll tell you what. You do people dirty dog wrong. You think you're gonna get away with it? You ain't gonna get away with it. Cause Elaine Kiffin thought that he was a princess. And we're just sorry people. And. No, that's not how it works. Because I'm gonna tell you right now, people from Ole Miss, we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps, period. We're going to the Natty, baby. We're going to the Natty. I really hope we are. So I'm going to Phoenix tomorrow, which I'm very excited about. Hopefully. Hopefully, if that works out, we're going to the. We're going to. Out to Phoenix. I'm maybe cheering on for my baby Rebs, because I have never been more excited to be from the University of Mississippi and be an Ole Miss rebel. Hotty Toddy. Gosh almighty, who the hell are we? Flim Flam. Bam. Bam. Ole Miss bad. Damn. And if you are not rooting for us, are watching the game this Thursday and not rooting for us, then you can suck a dick. I said it, okay? We're the team that got left behind. And guess what? We didn't need your sympathy because we put on our rollerblades and now we're at the front of the line, bitch. Oh, Miss, you tell us we can't do something. We're Going to figure it out. Where do you think I got that can do attitude from? From Ole Miss. That's been my motto in life. You tell me I can't do something, I'm going to figure it out. You know, we were figuring out. We're figuring out a national championship. And if you don't think when we get to Miami, because I'm speaking it into existence when we get to Miami and then we win the Natty and prove everybody wrong, including our old coach. If you don't think I'm going to be fun and frivolous at club space till 4am you don't know me. I was talking to Ray on the phone. He's like, oh, I mean, Miami will be so fun, but Heather, you don't like to have fun. I was like, what are you talking about? He's like, you know you don't love Miami. I said, I'm gonna be there decked head to toe in a string of pearls and a fucking baby blue cashmere sweater with all my buttons on, all my Delta Gamma buttons. And I'm gonna be have my clear purse. Because you have to bring a clear purse to stadiums now so they don't think you got a gun. I'm in my clear purse, rolling around my neck as I do fucking flips at Club Live or Space or wherever the cool kids go in Miami. Okay? I'm gonna be on south beach, burnt titty out, just going, hottie toddy. Gosh, mighty. Who the hell are we? Hey. And I'll be shaking that. That wound around flim flam. Bam, bam. Oh, miss by damn. And then they're gonna go, ma', am, ma', am, please, please, my God, can you not. Ma', am, please step aside. Your team didn't even make it. Step aside. I'm like, they didn't. God damn it. No. I'm going. I'm going to Phoenix. I'm going to Miami. I'm doing it all because one of the things I did put on my vision board is I want to do a commencement speech at Ole Miss. I'm not ready yet because I haven't accomplished enough. But once I want to do enough in my life to inspire younger people, I want to prove to people that if I can do it and I'm an idiot, you can do it. So I don't know what that do it is yet, but we're figuring it out. But I definitely want to give a commencement speech. How fun would that be? I mean, I think I give great life advice, so. But if y' all aren't Root. If you're not for me, you're against me. And all I need to know. All I. All I want you to know is I don't care if you're a Miami fan. You like Carson Beck? Not this week, bitch. You better get on that Pete Fleet. And if you don't know what that Pete Fleet is, we got a new head coach, Pete Golding. And we're calling it the Pete Fleet. Because what people don't realize about ole Mrs. We're clever. We love branding. We love a little pun. We like a little play on words. Okay? We love to have a little cute advertising moment. Okay? We had the Lane train and now we're on the Pete Fleet. So I don't even think I've talked about it. I mean, you. You must be living under a rock to not know what happened at Ole Miss. That our coach just left in the middle of the night for $90 million deal to go to LSU. Good luck to you. What are you gonna be living off of, raising canes? It is pretty good. Okay, either way, the last two shows I had in Baton Rouge were outta control. And that's no hate to shade or shade to the women of Baton Rouge. I love you gals. But my first show there, I did get hit in the leg. A woman on the front row was so out of her mind. She had a Chanel purse. And you know, the Chanel purses have that, like, thick chain. And she kind of slapped me across the. The bare leg with Chanel chain. And I remember thinking, we got to get the out of Baton Rouge. These girls are feral. They're feral like the tiger. Oh, and also, if you don't know LSU has a cheer that says suck that tiger dick. Sue it. On this, we like to have a little bit more of a refined chair. Instead of yelling, suck that tiger dick, we say, how Toddy. Gosh almighty, who the hell are we? Flim Flam. Bam Bam. Oh, Miss by damn. But also, suck that tiger dick is pretty funny. Okay, anyways, well, I'm rambling, but I'm really. I'm really proud of the team. I'm really proud to be an alumni of a wonderful school who against all odds, pulls herself up from the bootstraps and we figure it the fuck out. So, hottie Toddy, no matter what happens, I am super proud of those kids and can't wait to get the commencement speech one day. This episode is sponsored by Better Help. Better Help is just what we need to be getting in the new year. You know the new year doesn't require a new you. Maybe just a little less burden you. And therapy can help more easily identify what weighs you down, hold you back by offering an unbiased perspective to better understand your relationships, motivations and emotions. I love therapy. It's one of the best gifts I could give myself. Being able to talk to somebody just so you can clear your head, maybe get some action steps, maybe find some ways to move through what you're feeling through. We all carry so much on us and we also can burden the people in our lives with trying to figure out this, you know, solve the same problem over and over again. And this is why I always go to professionals. I love Better Help because one of the reasons why I love it is you're working with fully licensed therapists in the U.S. okay, they have a therapist Match commitment Better Help does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals? Just fill out a short questionnaire that helps identify your needs and preferences and their 12 plus years of experience and industry leading Match fulfillment rate means you were probably going to get it right the first time. Also, there's so many amazing happy client reviews. With over 30,000 therapists, better help is one of the world's largest online therapy platforms, having served over 5 million people globally. And it works with an average rating of 4.9 out of 5 for a live session based on over 1.7 million client reviews. That's huge. Better Help makes it easy. Get Match online with a qualified therapist. Sign up and get 10% off@betterhelp.com Absolutely. That's better H lp.com Absolutely. Again, that's betterhelp.com Absolutely. If you're trying to get active this year and you want a fabulous fit, well guess what? Nordstrom Rack has it now. Thousands of new activewear rivals are in store and online at Nordstrom Rack. Right now. You can save on Nike, Adidas, Puma, Free people and more starting at just $35. There's great brands, great prices and I'm telling you what you are going to love. Nordstrom Rack. Shop in store and online@nordstrom rack.com so if you don't have a Nordstrom Rack by you whenever you're traveling, you should find a Nordstrom Rack in that city. Okay, I have one 10 minutes up the road from me and honey, they all know me by name in there because I am always shopping at the Nordstrom Rack. I love Nordstrom Rack. I swear by it. I got the most beautiful rag and bone jacket there. It's wool. It's gorgeous. I got it for like 50 off. I have my rag and bone that I swear by, my little pajama jeans that I wear everywhere and I get complimented on. I'm like, they have a drawstring, baby. And everyone's like, weren't they expensive? I go, honey, I got it at Nordstrom Rack. But if you don't have a Nordstrom rack near you, you can shop online@nordstrom rack.com same great prices off, awesome inventory. I love to go in a store and touch and feel and look, but anything you can imagine that you would ever want, Nordstrom Rack has it. Nordstrom Rack has always been my place. I have always been a rat girly. Whether you need luggage, travel gear, you need stuff for your home. Oh my God. They have the best beauty stuff. You've got perfume. They have the most gorgeous purses. I got a Kurt Geiger like glitter bag that I'm going to be wearing all year long. I'm obsessed with. I got a gorgeous All Saints cashmere little button down sweater. Unbelievable. Gorgeous. You are going to love it. Again. Shop in store and online@nordstrom rack.com I got one of the best gifts in the mail over the Christmas break and it was heavy and I picked it up and I was like, what is this? And then I realized it was a gift from Poppy and it is their new Shirley Temple flavor. Let me tell you what you know, I've been such a poppy fan. I've worked with them before. I love poppy. I have my fridge stocked with all of the poppies. I love poppy soda. It is freaking delicious. And now they came out with one of the most delicious flavors ever, which is Shirley Temple. And what is one of the reasons why I love poppy? Because just 5 grams of sugar, 35 calories. It's just so refreshing and delicious and amazing. And there is a new star on the soda scene and you already know her name. Poppy is reintroducing Shirley Temple with a whole new look. It is a famous soda flavor, you know, and you love, but with 5 grams of sugar and ingredients you can love. And prebiotics. Dude, Poppy just is that girl. Okay. I love her. It is so delicious. Find Poppy at your nearest retailer or get it delivered straight to your door at Amazon. Poppy soda's back, but so much better. I always keep my fridge stocked with all the different poppy flavors, but I'm telling you, it's just a refreshing, bold better for you. Full of soda experience. And with only 5 grams of sugar and ingredients, you can Love and prebiotics. Your always going to feel good about popping open a poppy and the Shirley Temple flavor just hits. It reminds you of your childhood and it's delicious. And hell, especially if you're trying to like, put something better in your body and not feel like crap all the time. That's why I love my poppies. So I'm addicted to poppy. I know you will be too. And the poppy Shirley Temple flavor, it is unbelievable. It's crisp, it's delicious, it's refreshing, it's bold, and you're going to love it. Again, all you got to do is find poppy at your nearest retailer or get it delivered straight to your door on Amazon. All right, let's get to it. My computer. Okay, okay, I'm sorry. I just want you to know that I just got a text from my husband. Babe, if we're leaving tomorrow to go to Phoenix, I gotta make these steaks. We'll do steak and potatoes tonight for dinner. Pick up some caviar on the way home. I'm sorry, caviar? We eat caviar for New Year's. I'm not. Who. What does Jeff think we're doing? Does he not know if we don't have points, we're not going this year? Does he not know if I don't have points that I'm not getting caviar? The only way we're eating this year is on points. You gotta be. I'm sending him a voice note. You hold on. You know what? Fuck it, let's call him. Let's just call Jeff right now. First of all, those stakes were from how many days ago he bought this? This is the problem with my husband. My husband thinks that food, especially raw food, is good. A week later. It's not. We're gonna call him. We're gonna call him right now. He needs to be. He needs to be chewed out right now. Okay, honey, first of all, those steaks are seven days old. If that. If you didn't freeze them, we can't eat that meat. I think we can keep it in the refrigerator. But Jeff, that is. You were asking to have diarrhea every day of your life. And then you text me, pick up some caviar. What are we. What are we living large? What do you think this is the Titanic for the potatoes? Okay, Martha Stewart, I didn't realize that we were just pick up some caviar. You yelled at me the other night. Cause some of the caviar sat out for 20 minutes and you thought it went bad. And now you Want me to just pick up caviar on a Tuesday? Well, you wasted it, but do we have money sitting around somewhere I don't know about? Who are you? Are you recording this? I can't believe. Pick up some caviar. Okay, Daddy Warbucks. Pick up some caviar. Stop it. Stop asking questions and just do what I say. You know what? I swear to God, don't you get sassy with me. It turns me on. Babe, real quick. Oh, what was I gonna ask you? What did the dogs do? They're just being cute. Just being ding dongs. Okay. All right, I love you. I gotta finish this podcast. Bye. Wow, so uneventful. I thought he was gonna be way more entertaining, but what do you know? Oh, Jeff is actually pretty boring. Snooze fest. Anyways, he is cute, though. He does listen to this podcast religiously. And, like, if I lived with me, I would never. I would not listen to my. Because the bullshit that I talk about here, I also bring this bullshit home. You know what I'm saying? But he was cleaning out the closet the other day, and he was listening to the podcast, and I was like, you're so cute right now. Okay, but I'm not eating a steak that's been out seven days. In fact, let's look. I feel like that would immediately make you sick. How long can meat sit in the fridge before cooking? One to two days. I mean, he would fucking. Dude, we've had meatballs in the back of the fucking fridge that, like, got pushed to the back on accident, and my husband has pulled them out. They've had fur on them, and he will scrape it off and be like, delicious cold. Watching him eat sometimes actually makes me want to kill him. You know, I'm just like, how. And then he doesn't get sick, and I think, how. How we have a man who could run for president and win before I could. Who would actively scrape mold off of a meat product and eat it. And you don't want to vote for a woman. Get out of here. Life is unfair. I can't. The injustice. All right, speaking of injustice, I gotta hear what you guys have been up to also. I'm sorry. I just literally lost my mind on this episode today. I'm still getting back at the swing of things and I'm sweating and I'm trying to figure out what the hell we're going to do this year, you know, and it's a little slow right now for me because I'm finishing a script and I'm not doing awards Season. So I'm kind of like, you know, usually I fly right out to LA and I'm in the thick of everything, but this has been kind of quiet. So I've been scratching my neck, texting my manager, Maggie, going, maggie, what are we doing for money? I'm living off points this year. She's like, calm down. We discussed we're going to be more specific in what we chose to do this year. I'm like, I'm living off points, Maggie. All right, let's get to the voicemails. First voicemail up, I got to play it from my phone. Sorry, guys.