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- [00:00]
Unknown Male 1
Are you really buying a car online on AutoTrader right now?
- [00:03]
Unknown Male 2
Really?
- [00:04]
Unknown Male 1
At a playground?
- [00:05]
Unknown Male 2
Yeah, really? Look at these listings from dealers.
- [00:08]
Unknown Male 1
Wow, your search can really get that specific.
- [00:10]
Unknown Male 2
Really?
- [00:11]
Unknown Male 1
And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget.
- [00:14]
Heather McMahon
Mom needs a second.
- [00:15]
Unknown Male 1
Honey, you can really have it delivered.
- [00:17]
Unknown Male 2
Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership.
- [00:20]
Heather McMahon
One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car. Mommy, look.
- [00:24]
Unknown Male 1
I think your kid is walking up the slide.
- [00:25]
Heather McMahon
Kyle. Again?
- [00:27]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
Really?
- [00:27]
Heather McMahon
Auto trader? Buy your car online? Really?
- [00:30]
Unknown Male 2
The following podcast is a Dear Media Production
- [00:37]
Heather McMahon
welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you are having a gorgeous week. I'm sitting here in my master's green sweater, excited for a week of golf. And I'm very casual on the bottom, professional on the top, casual on the bottom. Got a nice pair of bike shorts on that are just hugging the cooch. And I've got a sleeve, an ice sleeve, if you will, over the right knee. So if you were. If I were to stand up from my desk right now, I would look very much, very, very similar to a female wrestler, because I feel like every wrestler ends up having some sort of knee problem. And that's where I'm at. Your girl is at knee problem. And I know you're probably a little miffed going, heather, what else is new? What. What on you? What kind of ailment are you gonna have this week? What on you hurts. And I just wanna say something right now for the negativ seething through the interwebs as you listen to this. I'm doing the best I can. I, on my health and wellness journey, have desperately been trying to be consistent. A word that I don't know, unless it comes to. To work, I don't understand Consistency. It is hard for me. I'm never in the same place at any time. I am constantly in different cities, on the road, doing different things. I don't have a. A regular schedule. I am not a creature of habit. So I'm trying to be consistent. Well, what happens when you're consistent? And you've also been consistently in Fight or Flight for basically the last eight years. Your body freaks the fuck out and your girl tweaked the knee. Now, I'm fine. I got it checked out, and that's a story I'm about to get into, but it Swole up. It swole up bad. I was working out in LA last week. I was feeling good. I don't know if it was in between the flight or something. I get home, I got a fat kneecap. Now, if there's one, one thing that I really pride myself on, it's having a trim, slim leg. It is thicker than a honey baked ham in the middle, but the legs are good. I've had heavy women, thin women, petite women, tall women come up and say, those legs are crisp. And I really, I really am grateful that that is my go to. You know, I used to be jealous of pear shaped gals that had these tiny waists, but you can always hide a tummy. You can't hide a thick ankle. So anywho, today I look like I could be a female wrestler, just, just icing it down, doing what I can, doing the most. But I got back last weekend and it was, you know, the day of the Lord, Easter Sunday, and I'm getting ready to take the whole fam to brunch at the club. And Jeff's like, oh, my God. He's like, you got a golf ball in the back of your leg, y'.
- [03:52]
Unknown Female Caller
All.
- [03:52]
Heather McMahon
That fatty part, that fatty tissue right behind the kneecap, swole up liquid juicy, nasty. And I went to bend down to, to open. We have, you know, a nice beverage fridge. You know, we have. When you, when you live the lifestyle that I live, you also just have a wine fridge full of poppies. I don't even have alcohol in it. I just literally have 65 poppies and Kirkland Signature sparkling water. My family does not know how to rehydrate or even consume, swallow, ingest, still water. Our bodies, we're not equipped for that. We really weren't. So we are a sparkling water family. And I know that eventually we're gonna find out that it leads to, you know, destroys your bone density, gives you arthritis, maybe dementia. And then they'll say it's linked to aluminum cans and sparkling water. And I'll just say, yep, I did it to myself. All that to be said, I'm bending down to get a poppy out of the fridge, and when I say the knee buckled, baby, it snapped. Crackle, popped. I was down. I was down. I was groaning. You know, Scarlet took a tumble hard, and Robin already took a tumble a couple weeks ago, so I didn't have time to then also take a tumble. I was down. Jeff thought I was bullshitting. He was like, what, are you being serious right now? Like, get up. Like, what are you doing. I'm like, I'm down. I'm down. And then he took one look at the f kneecap, and he said, that's got liquid on it. That's not good. You gotta get it drained. I'm like, I can't. I don't have. I literally don't have time for a fat fucking leg right now. I do not have time. And if there's one way to really kick a bitch while she's down, it's not only give me pain, but then give me a thickness, a fatness around the legs that I'm already so proud of. Give me one thing. Let me have a trim leg. So, anywho, I go to this orthopedist today who's in the same group as a place where my mom got her wrist done shout out to Petri Orthopedics. And the name sounded familiar when I. When I went in, when I booked the appointment. And I walk in today, and the nurse immediately looks at me and she goes, who's your daddy? And I'm like, oh, okay, girl. Who is my daddy? And I said, his name's Kyle. Was Kyle. Is it still. He still technically is my daddy, but is, you know, dad. And she said, I knew it. She's like, we loved your dad. She said, Dr. Royster did your dad's knee replacements. I said, that's what's up. I knew an angel guided me into the right office. And she's like, I just want to let you know, your dad was so kind to my family. He helped one of my family members fly out and get treatment out in Houston when we needed it. And your dad was just the best. So he. He holds a special place in our hearts. And I was like, oh, my God, what a sweet memory. And just like, you know, it was really nice to go in there and feeling sorry for myself and then to realize basically anybody who's been in my dad's orbit for the most part had a positive, incredibly wonderful experience. And my dad was just the coolest, you know? She said, he was the most boisterous, funny, and gracious man. I'm like, he really was. Like, Kyle was the guy, whatever you needed. He knew a guy and he's making phone calls. And I do think that I get that from my dad, where if you. I mean, it doesn't matter if you need a new carburetor or a heart transplant. I know a guy who knows a guy, and we're going to call someone who then knows a girl who's going to get it. Done. That's just how my. That's the McMahon side of my brain that operates. I get a high off networking, and it's not necessarily networking for my own benefit. It's like, what do you need? I'm going to figure out how we're going to get it. Now, can I do that for myself in my own life? Not really, but I really. I don't know what that love language is. It's not acts of service. It's making phone calls. Is that a love language? Like, if you need somebody to make a call, I can make a call. I can find it out, and I can make a call. Believe the five love languages are physical, touch, words of affirmation, acts of service. Time. Time is mine. That's my receiving. I need time. And there's one more. And gifts. Okay, I'm not a gift. I don't need a gift. I just need you to spend time with me and sit in the car with me while I make some calls. All right? That's what I love. I love somebody being close by while I'm making calls. I still love to make a call. I'll make a call on your behalf. I'll make a call on your. Your friend's behalf. I'll make a call. If your dentist needs something.
- [08:42]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
Something.
- [08:42]
Heather McMahon
You tell me what we need, and I. I write it down on a list, and I'm making calls. So anyhow, I definitely get that trait from my dad. So I had this gentle, tender moment with the nurse, and it felt so sweet and just a, you know, great way to start your day to have a conversation about how loving and touching my dad was to other people. Then the doctor comes in. Shout out to Dr. Royster. So Dr. Royster comes in. He gives me a hug. He's like, I haven't seen you in forever. I can't believe it's been 11 years since your dad passed. He's like, you know, I was. I was one of the guys who said, something's going on, Kyle. I said, Dr. Reusser, I didn't know that. Like, you know, if. If I tried to get any sort of detail about the exact. The exact timeline of events of my dad putting the pieces together, that he had a cancer diagnosis from anyone in my family. The details are not our strong suit. They're mine because I'm a storyteller, but they're not Robin and Ashley's. I love them, but we're not getting details. So, anyways, Dr. Reusser said that my dad had come in. He was death Gripping his Waffle House cup, extra large with the sweet tea, he had lost some weight.
- [09:51]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
So he said, I looked at your
- [09:52]
Heather McMahon
dad and said, man, Kyle, you look good. Like you're losing weight. What's going on? You know, why are you in here? And he said, well, you know, Doctor, I, I, I hurt my back. It's just my back's really throbbing kind of in the lower back area. And so immediately Dr. Ruth's like, well, I figured you maybe tweak something working out. He's like, so what are you doing? Health and wellness workout protocol. And my dad just goes, you know, I get on the bike about once a week for about 20 minutes, and that's when the bells and alarms and red flags start going off in Dr. Royster's head. He's like, kyle, there's no way that you, the dentist man I've ever met, lost 20 pounds in two weeks by getting on an elliptical or a stationary bike for 20 minutes once a week. Now, mind you, anytime I would take my dad to our country club gym, he would be so tricked out in gear, it was embarrassing. He'd have on the knee sleeve because, you know, he had gotten a knee replacement. And then he'd have on, like, weightlifting gloves, fingerless weightlifting gloves. And all he would do was death grip his Diet Coke. Yes, the motherfucker drank Diet Coke while on a stationary bike. Okay, that was, that was my childhood of health and wellness. This is the same man who I caught drinking a Slim Fast and eating a Krispy Kreme doughnut. And I said, what are we doing here? And he goes, it's diet. It negates the bad stuff. I said, that's not how Slim Fast works, dad. It's a meal replacement shake. He goes, well, it tastes like strawberries. And it goes well with the donut. Like, I'm not even trying to do hacky jokes right now. That is genuinely what my dad was like. Like a total fucking character. The best. So Dr. Royster said that he was the one who pushed my dad to get an X ray. He's like, we got to figure this out. And then obviously subsequently after that, you know, they figured out he had cancer and all that. So it was kind of like an odd. I knew I was in good hands, but it was also just like, I don't know, it made me feel, when I left the office, a little bit of closure, like, oh, this was a missing puzzle piece. Because I could never get a straight answer of how exactly. Exactly they figured out. I mean, how exactly they figured out what was going on? All I knew was my mom had been on my dad. He hadn't been feeling well for a while. His back had been hurting, and he had been losing weight, but he had been trying to lose weight. And then he went to the hospital one day because my mom came home and he looked jaundice. And Dr. Oyster was like, yeah, it was like a couple days before that. I told your dad, we got to get an X ray, figure out what's going on. Anyways, so it was one of those mornings, and Dr. Oyster is fantastic. He gets in there, he's like, yeah, your knees, it's swollen, but it's gonna be fine. We did X rays, got a little wear and tear on the back of the kneecap. Bada bing, bada boom. We're on the road to recovery. But I'll tell you what, nothing is more humbling than being 39 and walking out of the orthopedist's office and just seeing an entire waiting room filled with silver sneakers. And I'm in pain, they're in pain. I got a fat kneecap. They're all in braces. And we kind of like tipped our
- [12:58]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
hats to each other.
- [12:58]
Heather McMahon
And I was like, we live to see another day. So if you see me hobbling or doing odd PT stretches by a magnolia tree at Augusta national this week. No, you didn't. You didn't see me do it. And he. Dr. Reusser showed me this one thing to really work on the piriformis. He's like, you just gotta rub your ass on. On the corner of a chair. And I said, if I get TMZ'd because somebody thinks I'm doing something odd in the booth at a Cheesecake Factory, I'm calling your ass. And I'm telling him that you told me to do it. He's like, I'll take it. Y' all know I've had an emotional
- [13:31]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
journey with Lululemon from the first influencer retreat I got invited to to me literally wearing all of their stuff because I love Lulu. Well, here's the thing. Their new spring styles take that vibe even further. Okay? I'm obsessed. They have these Rouleaux, Drapey, like yoga joggers. They're made with Rouleau, which is Lululemon's ultra soft four way stretch fabric that we wick sweat and keeps its shapewear after the wear. Does that make sense? The fit is loose and drapey with room to breathe, but it's so comfortable. They are literally the most comfortable pants ever. I will wear them on all my next like flights. I love them. I also love their Easy 5 pant. It's a substantial structure with the light stretch that feels broken in from the first wear, so no stiff like break in period. They're very comfortable, very chic.
- [14:19]
Heather McMahon
I love them.
- [14:20]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
And they also have the steady state super loft. It's built with super loft fabric so it's very soft on the outside and brushed fleece on the inside. It is so roomy. These are my absolute favorite sweats. I absolutely love them. They're so so comfortable and the roomy and versatile cup makes it easier to lay over your workout set on the way to the gym or wear straight through the weekend. Truly do not take those off. Here's the thing you need to know. Lululemon does limited color runs so when those new styles drop every Tuesday, they go very fast. You don't want to wait if it's not for you. Lululemon offers free returns, no risk. That's lululemon.com new drops every Tuesday. Go now again, that's lululemon.com I love Honey Love's new sports bra because it's different. It's a cross flex activity bra and I immediately felt different in it than other sports bras because it just felt like it was designed for all day wear. It was supportive without feeling tight, stiff or suffocating which is the most uncomfortable feeling on the planet. And it has a very easy hook and eye back so you don't have to wrestle it over your head like we most sports bras. And it has a wireless support using cloud fuse bonding which is no poking, digging or pressure points, gives real shape and separation instead of the unibob look which is nobody has time for uniboob. I don't have time, you don't have time.
- [15:34]
Heather McMahon
None of us have time.
- [15:35]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
And if you find yourself reaching for a sports bra on a daily basis because of the support and coverage, but want something that's actually comfortable and again, designed for all day wear, well then this is what you need. I love Honey Love. I really support them. They've supported the podcast for a long time and I just love all their products truly. They recently launched their new Crossover Contour bra which also features their bestselling wireless crossover bra design plus built in molded light foam pads for extra support and a beautifully contoured shape. Treat yourself to the most advanced bras and shapewear on the market. Use our exclusive link to save 20% off@honeylove.com Absolutely. That's honeylove.com Absolutely. And after you check out they will ask you where you heard about them. Please support our show and tell them that we sent you. Experience the new standard in comfort and support with Honey Love. Owning a home can be amazing. Until it's not. Okay, one minute you're sipping coffee, you're enjoying the peace and quiet, you're like
- [16:28]
Heather McMahon
look at what I did.
- [16:29]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
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- [18:00]
Heather McMahon
Uncovered Repairs Love getting lost in a great book but can't find the time in between day to day responsibilities and constant distractions. Well, I've teamed up with World of Hyatt to spread the word on their upcoming reading retreats that blend the upscale outdoor scapes with uninterrupted reading time. Created in collaboration with Reese's Book Club and under Canvas, World of Hyatt's Camp Unwritten invites travelers and book lovers to step into the story with limited time Upscale outdoor experiences Join the Reese's Book Club community to be a part of a cozy campfire conversation and curated book experiences in Yosemite or Moab throughout the two night through World of Hyatt you will get the chance to connect with bestselling authors, enjoy story inspired programming and outdoor adventures like hiking and share meaningful moments at Under Canvas Yosemite and Uloom Moab. Each camp is inspired by a different genre from romance to thriller and is a chance to unplug and connect with book lovers through the stories you love. Romance readers can immerse in upscale safari style accommodations at the newly opened under canvas Yosemite from May 4 through 6. Thriller readers can head to Uloom Moab from June 8th through 10th where the dramatic Red Rocks desert sets the stage for a suspense inspired stay. Again, you can learn more about Camp Unwritten under limited time offers@experiences hyatt.com Are
- [19:29]
Unknown Male 1
you really buying a car online on Autotrader right now?
- [19:32]
Unknown Male 2
Really? I can get super specific with dealer listings and see cars based on my budget.
- [19:36]
Unknown Male 1
You can really have it delivered or pick it up. I think kid is walking up the slide.
- [19:41]
Heather McMahon
Really. Autotrader Buy your car online.
- [19:43]
Sponsor Voice
Really the most important people shape your life through choices, gestures and the kind of impact you come to understand with time. Vitamix blenders are created with that same intention. Timeless, enduring and meant to stay with mom through whatever comes next. That's why Mother's Day isn't about more things, it's about choosing something more worthy of her. This Mother's Day, give her the mother of all blenders. Vitamix only the essential.
- [20:11]
Heather McMahon
So anywho, I am heading to the Masters this week. I am very excited. I originally wasn't going to go. Last year after the whole bullshit of the Ryder cup, all this, I was like, you know what, I'm done with golf for a while. I'm not doing it, but I want to go and support our friends. So I told them, they're like, hey, do you want to come? And I said as long as I'm not going to bring shame upon the family name. And you guys are cool, I'd love to come. So we're gonna go out there for a couple days and then I have a work trip slash kind of fun trip with some of my girls from growing up and I'm very excited to be out at the Masters. But I knew I, you know, I got a PT appointment in yesterday. I couldn't be hobbling Around Augusta, that's not a place you can really let your guard down. You gotta be on it. You gotta be standing at attention. Posture has to be good. You're schlepping merch. You're gently fighting patrons for a barbecue sandwich and a white wine. I mean, you really gotta be on it. So I am. I am on a. A recovery. Put the pieces back together of my body right now, and I'm doing the best I can. I got orthotics. Oh, yeah, dude, I got orthotics. Now you gotta break them in. So I'm gonna have to bring a big purse in case I gotta change out the lining of my shoe. If at any point you also see me hugging a magnolia tree, taking the lining out of my Nikes, and then putting different lining in, just know I'm changing out the orthotics, and you saw nothing. Can I tell you a business idea that I think would be fantastic? If someone. If I could pay a bitch with a beefy foot beefier than mine to stretch out my Nikes, I would love that. I mean, my Nikes, it doesn't matter. What do they call them? The shoe horns? Those. Those wooden shoe things that you stick in there to keep your. Your husband always has them to keep his, like, nice leather shoes in shape. I need those. But to widen and stretch my Nikes, can somebody. I have. Can some consistently begged Nike. I'm begging you. I am an athlete, a legend, a warrior. I'm a comedic goddess. Please, for the love of God, can you make some Air Force Ones and Nike Air Maxes? And with a little bit of more. With a little bit more room at the shoebox, I need a girthy, wide Air Max. Air Force One. Please, for the love of God, help me out. Help me out. I'm not asking for much, but, man, what. If there's anybody in Augusta this week who can handle. Who can handle stretching out my new Nikes? That'd be great. That would be great. I'd really appreciate that. Anywho, I guess when this comes out, I will have already been to the tournament, but either way, I'm pumped. But I'm about to be gone the next 11 days. We're going Augusta. We're heading. I am in my office, and my sister's in the guest bedroom right above, and she's watching all the dogs while I do this at home. And I can hear them running around, and these Frenchies just get in these, like, epic brawls where they're just, like, running around like, acting nuts and I'm just making sure she's okay. I think she's okay. All right, God bless. Anywho, so we're going from Augusta down to the Turks for a shoot and a little bit of a fun trip that I planned a year ago. And then what else? What else are we doing? Oh, and then going to the Nashville Comedy Festival. I cannot wait to see you guys at the Ryman Theater. I think we have some tickets left. Get your tickets at heather on tour.com and then I'm home for like two days. And then we are literally hitting the ground running. We're going to Patchog, New York. We're going to Boston, Philadelphia, Pittsburgh, where else? We've got Netflix as a joke comedy festival. I'm doing a totally different show for that. So I'm writing that right now, which is terrifying. And then I'm going to be shooting the special in Knoxville and. And we're probably going to add in a couple like little pop up shows to run the hour right before I shoot it in between then. So lots happening. I will not be home. I'm a horrible person and parent and I feel terrible. Of course the dogs are in good hands and they also go to camp. But it's just tough. Like I'm living out of suitcases in my own home because I don't even have time to unpack the other shit. Do the laundry, hang up the clothes, go to the dry cleaner, and we just, we keep a rotating revolving door of the same 15 thongs. They get washed. They're sometimes not even dry yet. I'm sometimes walking around with a wet thong, but at least it's clean. Speaking of clean, I had the absolute laundry mafia kind of come for me. And by laundry mafia, I mean like 200 white women from Mountain Brook, Alabama. So I'm in Mountain Brook this, this past Monday. I had to go on a little work trip. Shot some, some fun stuff with a wonderful comedian. Matt Matthews was excited to be in his neck of the woods. So I'm staying at the Bohemian Hotel. Bohemian Grove. No, no, that's the place the Illuminati hangs out. Bohemian something, something Bohemian Hotel. It's the only kind of decent hotel in Birmingham. And I say that with love. I love Birmingham. But they've got to figure out the hotel situation. And there's this line of these Bohemian hotels. And they're nice, they're full four star, they're fine. And then you go into the room and it's got that like crushed velvet curtain drape. It's got some Sort of printed pillow that has like a scary photo of a moth on it. A weird crystal, very Z Gallery esque lamp, comfortable bed, but they don't know what they want to do. Like the door is painted bright fluorescent purple. And they're like, we're crazy. I'm like, this is Z Gallery 2009, and I am not above a Z Gallery 2009 moment. If you did not have side. If you did not have dressers, a side table and a coffee table that all looked. That was all crystal mirrored, then I don't think you ever really did a Z Gallery the way you were supposed to. So I'm staying in this room and I'm like, I'm gonna get a bite to eat. Next door. I'm walking through the little. I think it's English Village or the Mountain Brook area. And I see this Buff City soaps. And I just made a quick video. Like, I see these soap places everywhere, everywhere. And I don't understand how they're staying open. I don't understand what they're doing. It always has a large retail space and nice neighborhoods. Like, I can only imagine what the rent is for a Mountain Brook, Alabama, nicest part of Birmingham strip mall situation. It's going to be pricey and dicey. It just is. So they have this soap that they're advertising on the outside and it says like, narcissist, like Narcissist Scent. And I'm like, what are we doing here? I can't tell. And every time I look at the sign I read Buff City Soup. And then I'm confused. Every time I go to enter the place and it's soap. I genuinely cannot figure out this. This company. So I put a video up. Being like, it's gotta be a front. It's like when you go to a Mattress King or what are some other places where you're like. Like a soft. Surrounding another store where you're like, is everything in here just kind of a pashmina? There's no way you guys are making enough money selling soft surroundings to be able to keep the lights on. This is a drug front. This is a front for another operation. I can't figure it out. So I post this. It's funny. People are like, totally agree. And then the women who use the Narcissist scent laundry detergent are like, it's the greatest shit ever changed my life. I smell like money. I'm a rich bitch because of the Buff City soap. And I'm like, okay. So I start commenting back. Well, how can you handle it with your eczema. One lady responds, my kids have been cured of all disease because Buff City. So. And I'm like, fine, I'll try it. I still don't trust it. You can't tell me that it's not a front for something shady. You know, it's an easy thing to hide. Cash soap. Also, I don't understand how all of y' all are putting this amount of fragrance in everything. I know that if I go to your house, it's gonna smell like fabuloso, which is a great scent that I use to be able to enjoy. I'm a bitch who can't even do gel nails anymore because my eyes will close shut. Your girl has ailments, and you're screaming at me at the top of your lungs on the interwebs, being like, you gotta try the narcissistic surgeon. So I'm telling you right now, I'm willing to give it a shot. But if I so much as get a one pustule of eczema, I will sue you, Carol. Not the Buff City soap that's not on them. I will sue you for leading me astray. I do have to contact my attorney and see if that's even possible. But regardless, you'll be hearing from me. Another tragic thing that happened this week is I had to cut down my nails, and two of them broke on Easter. And these are my natural nails. I've had the longest, most gorgeous nails. Another thing I very much so pride myself in is the health and wellness of my nail journey. And I don't know what the fuck happened to this manicure I got in la, but when I say the whole nail lifted, it had a mind of its own. And I'm down to nubs. So I go to my nail place, and she's like, we got to cut them down. We got to start from scratch, you know? This is why when you find a good nail shop, you stick with them. You don't stray. I'm trying to be what? Consistent. But unfortunately, I was in LA and had to change my nails for a what job? So I go into the shop, they cut them down. I was going to show you on camera. I got little chod nails. I don't feel sassy. I don't feel seductive. I feel like I'm going to call the police because your son parked his E bike too close to the fire hydrant at the end of the block. And I feel like yelling at someone. I feel like destroying someone's life and sending them to Juvie. Because I have short nails. Short nails, to me, just say, I'm here to destroy everything that is good in this world. Because I have an attitude. Because my nails look like chodes. Don't clip this together. I know Abby's gonna be like, this is the clip. It's not the clip. So I have a whole new attitude. Maybe that's why my knee hurts, because the nails aren't long. Like, I don't feel. I don't feel like I could hold a shrimp from a shrimp cocktail with confidence. It just feels like. Like, at one point today, I was so stressed, I was eating a bao bun and just kind of scooping the pork from the middle of the. My Costco bao bun and just shoving it in my mouth. I'm like, that's. That's what a bitch does when she's got the short nails. She has nothing to live for. So she's eating a bow bun over the sink, just scooping it out with her finger. And when I had long nails, I could scoop most things out with my nail and then suck it off the end like an animal. I just don't feel as regal. So if I. If I'm coming at you in the next couple weeks before these nails grow out with an attitude, a sense of, like, just vengefulness, I want you to know it is because the nails have changed me. They're short. I don't like it. I don't love it. I don't want some more of it. And that's where I'm at. So I'm going through a lot right now. Between the fat kneecap, you know, realizing the truth about my father's death, getting in a fight with women on the Internet about laundry detergent, I'm just. I'm really. I'm holding on for dear life. But I appreciate you guys always having my back and being there for me and leading me in the right direction when sometimes I know that I can single handedly send myself astray. But we are again, doing what? Trying to be consistent, consistently. A bitch is what I'd like to do. I also am about to start my period at any minute. Okay, here we go. I know we have some voicemails that I want to get into, so let's pull those up. Let's pull up the voicemails. And then I have to drive to Augusta, guys. I drove to Birmingham, did the thing, drove back from Birmingham, went to pt, got up, went to the orthopedics. I'm trying on all the outfits for the Masters. I'm going to get in the car, drive to Augusta, do that for the next two days, then get in the car Friday night, drive home, fly out of the country Saturday, then I'm gone. I get back Tuesday, and then I go to Nashville for the comedy festival. Don't say a bitch doesn't get around, because I do. I do. Oh, fuck. I got an audition today too. Okay, well, haven't booked a job since 2020, so let's see how that goes. I got to. I gotta. I gotta just turn my attitude around. I have to turn my attitude around. We gotta turn it around. It's all good. I think I was triggered. Cause I missed my dad. Okay, here we go.
- [33:24]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
Hey, Heather, it's me, Tanner.
- [33:26]
Unknown Female Caller
Heather, it's Tanner and Midge. We're driving in the car, about to
- [33:29]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
go beyond the news. But what do we want to do? We want to come on your cruise with you this summer.
- [33:34]
Unknown Female Caller
Hell yes. Me and my mom and my sister were on the cruise last year and
- [33:38]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
we had the time of our lives
- [33:41]
Unknown Female Caller
and we want Tanner to come this year.
- [33:43]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
I want to come.
- [33:44]
Unknown Female Caller
What would you do on the cruise Tank?
- [33:45]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
I said I would swim in the pool on the ship and I wanted some good food. Yep. And I know I want some ocean too. Hell yeah, I guess.
- [33:55]
Unknown Female Caller
Okay, say, we love you, Heather.
- [33:56]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
We love you, Heather. Woo.
- [33:58]
Unknown Female Caller
We want to come on the Absolutely not cruise. You're the best.
- [34:01]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
Love you.
- [34:02]
Heather McMahon
Oh, my gosh. Midge and Tanner, my two of my favorites. And shout out, of course, to Midge and Tanner's mom, the real. The real queen of it all. Oh, my gosh. If y' all don't know this incredible family. Tanner gained a lot of notoriety for. For being on the last season, last couple seasons of love on the Spectrum, which is just the most incredible show. It's so heartwarming and endearing and just. It's funny and amazing. And Tanner is such a dream. So Tanner is on the autism spectrum. I did an interview with him and one of his co stars, Connor, and shout out to Connor's mom and Connor and their whole family as well. I just. I adore these families because they have just been so wonderful. And Tanner's just absolutely hysterical and the best. So, Tanner, what a wonderful surprise. Absolutely yes to the whole fam coming on the cruise. We gotta have you on the cruise, Tanner. I mean, there's so much. I mean, we could put you to work, buddy. There are things that we could have you do. You know, I know that. That the ladies on the boat are gonna need an oil Guy. And if you don't know what that is, that's a guy who goes around and makes sure that everybody is covered head to toe in sunscreen. Now, you can just provide the sunscreen. You can actually apply it, or you can just be walking around being like, hey, baby, you look like you're burning. Let's get lotioned up. Tanner, you'd be fantastic. Running Bingo. Lots of. There's so many different activations that you could be a part of. I know that your mom's going to be helping us, hopefully with some of the fitness. Midge is going to be running around the ship just being freaking cute and adorable and doing the most. So this is exciting, and this is the best part about the cruise. It really can become a family affair. I don't know if I ever talked about this, but last year, it was the very last moment of the cruise. Last night, we're doing karaoke. We're shutting down the bar. There's, I don't know, like, 500 people in the karaoke room, and there is a couple, and we are singing this song together. It's Bohemian Rhapsody. And this guy is leading the song, and he turns to me, and he's like, I came on the cruise with my wife. We filed for divorce, but we had already booked the cruise, and we're here. And I looked at him as we're about to just hit that moment in Bohemian Rhapsody where it was like a scene from a movie where the beat's about to drop, and we're about to hit that note, and I'm like, are you guys staying together? And he is like, I don't know. But we had a blast. And that was one of my most memorable moments from the cruise. I'm like, here is a couple that had already filed for divorce, but said, why not come and have a good time for four days? And I would love to see, where are they now? Did they stay together? Did you know? Did they break up? Either way, they were having a good time on the cruise. And that's the biggest thing. Whether you feel like you want to file for divorce from your spouse or, you know, a breakup with your cpa. Bring them on the ship, and we're going to have a good time. Oh, Tanner, your voicemail just made my day. Midge, I'm so happy to hear from you guys. There's such a great family. Tanner, there is so much we could have you do on the cruise. There is so much. I'm really gonna think about it. Tina and I are gonna put on our Thinking caps and figure out. I mean, also you can just come and swim in the pool and swim in the ocean and like, you know, have as many chicken tenders as you want and live, laugh, love. You do not have to work, but if you want to have an activity, we can get you an activity. Boo boo. Trust and believe. We can get you an activity. Oh, that just brings me so much joy. And y', all, if you don't know, you gotta go to heather.com and you will sign up for the presale. And what basically happens is somebody from six man, which is the production company that we work with, that helps us put on the entire operation of the cruise. They will call you directly and they will help you book your cabin. It's not as easy when it comes to cruising as just like going on an app. Signing up. And you're in. The best way to describe it is a white glove service. They get all your information. They actually book it with you over the phone. And it's. It's a whole operation system. And it just. It ensures that you're going to have an incredible experience on the cruise. And I'm so excited for the lineup that we have. And if you don't see somebody that you love, like, if you don't see your favorite comic on there, we are still adding people. We are absolutely rolling contracts, wheeling and dealing. So there's going to be more to be added to the cruise. And it's just. It's such a wonderful time. Like, I really did not know what to expect for the first cruise. Like, I knew we'd have fun, but I didn't know how much fun one could possibly have. And it blew. It blew me out of the water in the sense that, I mean, I cried every single night. I would sit in my room after my show before I went to the club, and I would just have, like, one rib eye in my room alone and cry. And my manager, Maggie, would always find me and be like, are you okay? And I'm like, I'm just having so much fun. And I've only eaten steak this entire time. And on the next cruise, like, I want to be able to go to the restaurants and run around and see everybody. I now know what to expect, so I know how to kind of, like, gauge my energetic output. But, man, we have so much fun and it's going to be a blast. And we're going to have all new activations and. And performers, and it's just. It's going to be a really good time. So I hope that you guys are as amped as I am and you better get in and get the cruise pre sale and all that jazz because I do think it's probably going to sell out this time. Wow, my hair. I am a mess. If you're seeing this online, I apologize.
- [39:25]
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- [42:17]
Heather McMahon
What do I think about?
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Sponsor/Ad Voice
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- [42:20]
Heather McMahon
Okay.
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- [43:42]
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- [45:06]
Heather McMahon
all right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [45:08]
Unknown Female Caller
Heather, I am a. Well, I think I've called him before, but this is probably my first time sober because this is just such a freaking nightmare of an absolutely not that I'm trying to stay calm about. But here it goes. And maybe, maybe, maybe with your help we can turn this into an absolute yes. I just found out two days ago that my sister in law who has this like Sign language mommy TikTok account has posted a video of my son that has gone viral and she posted this without my consent. My husband has no idea. We're both not on TikTok and it's just gone viral. I think it's been up since like October and she's had, you know, I think over a million likes, over 10 million views at this point. Like it's her most watched video on her account. I just found out about it from a friend. She thought I already knew. She's like, how could you not know? How did she not tell you about this? And I was like, I can't believe it either. I see her multiple times a week. We live very close to each other. And I'm freaking out because I'm also wondering if she's making money off of this. And she did very recently got a
- [46:18]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
boob job, which is crazy.
- [46:21]
Unknown Female Caller
So here's my thought. Can we turn this into an absolutely yes for my son? Because really the video, it's his laugh, he's like kicking her like, he's on a swing at the park, kind of kicks her, and she's falling over, picking up her keys. Okay. It's so dumb. It's so short anyways. But it's his laugh. It's his reaction. So do I get her to sign a contract saying, hey, you know, I'm not gonna sue you, but, like, if you're making money off of this video, this is gonna go to my kids, you know, college education fund. Right? So, like, do we keep the views going? I don't know. But at this point, luckily the video is pretty safe. You know, you can't really see a space. But I just need your advice on this. I can't even believe this.
- [47:05]
Heather McMahon
Yeah, okay, I am sorry. I think it cut off there at the end. Wow, what a doozy. Okay, I have a lot of conflicting feelings about this, but we're going to jump right into it. One, your kid's a star. And that's all you need to know now, whether you ever wanted your child to be a star or in the limelight or be a part of, you know, the dark side of Hollywood. Your kid is a star. Great laugh, great voice. Just clock this in the back of the head. He could do potential voiceover acting. He's got a good laugh now. He could do some character work. That's a big moneymaker. Also safe. You never have to see his face. Some of these voiceover character actors, lake houses, beach homes, mountain homes, consistent paychecks. What are we looking for here? Consistency. Good money, babe. Good money. Now, I would be pissed, too, especially if none of y' all are on social media. And if you definitely don't put your kids face up, I would be miffed. I would be like, hey. And I always ask my friends, I'm like, hey, is it okay if I post your child? Are you comfortable? Do you not? Like, I would never post somebody's kid unless I got permission from them just because I know the Internet's a weird place. Now, I love that it's a positive video. I love that your kid is also kicking your sister in law, like, while she's down. I mean, never forget, he has risen, but we have also fallen. Okay? We have also fallen. And I mean, if it's harmless, then I say, I hear you. I think you let it ride. Now, I wouldn't get litigious. I wouldn't get attorneys involved. I'm not saying we gotta sue this, we gotta get tit for tat on it, but I do think that we could inquire about a Potential payout. I don't think that hurts. I don't think we get crazy. But we say, how much have you made on this video? Let's. We're going to split it and let's just have an honest conversation. Anybody who has a child younger than, I don't know, 10, you don't need to worry about college. There is no college fund. I don't think we. I don't even think that's on the horizon. That's not me being a doomsdayer. I just don't think that in the next 15 years, the robots will take over. We know this. So maybe I would add it instead to a college fund, some sort of fund, you know, if we have to fight the robots, that your son would have the power to do that, or if we got to join him, we can join him. Add it to an AI fund is what I'm trying to say. Now. This is a tricky conversation, though. This is a tricky conversation. I think you got to call this bitch up and go, hey, hey, sis in law. When were you gonna tell me that you were putting my child on the interwebs? Now, you know I love an ASL gal. You know I love an asl. American Sign Language moment. I am. I'm. I'm on Instagram. Wait, hold on. H E A T H E R. I think I did it right. I just signed my name. I may have fucked that up. I may have just said. I can't say that. I may have just said something horrible, but I do believe I signed my name and I believe that everybody should know asl. Like, why were we not taught asl? I don't get it. I also learned not too long ago that it is American Sign Language. Like, if you live in France, you have different sign language, which, when you think about it, doesn't fully make sense because you would think that they would just teach everybody the same hand gestures for, like, can. You know, you would. You would know how to sign Can't. Like, universally, that object would be a certain sign, but that's not how it works. So if you need a second to digest and process that. It took me a second, too. I get it. I think you gotta sit down the fam and say, what's up? Let them know you're clearly pissed. So you gotta have a conversation about, hey, don't ever post my kid without asking. But you gotta also play it sweet a little bit if there's some money involved. Say, I see this thing's got 10 million views now. I don't want to start family drama because we got other holidays coming up, like the Fourth of July. And I gotta, I want to hang out at the pool. I know you got a pool in the backyard, but how much have you made off this, this video, this clip? Because little Timmy here likes to go to a certain summer camp that's at least 10k for two weeks. I don't know if you've looked at the price of summer camps, but they're outrageous. I would go to a surf camp every summer and I went for free because I would do manual labor. I. I slept in a tent in a trailer park. I would do manual labor. And that's how I got to go to camp for free. Anyways, Whole nother story. Regardless, I'd say you pay for little Timmy to go to outdoor camp and we're good. I think you get some sort of gift for Timmy out of the deal. We're not getting litigious because that's just. We don't have time for that. Remember, the world is ending. It's. It hasn't been great. I don't know if you have caught. Been keeping up with the tweets recently from the, the supreme leader, Donald Trump, but they haven't been great. And I think both sides of the aisle are kind of concerned. So, you know, we're not here for a long time, but a good time. So I think you get a quick payout, but you don't get litigious. Cause that's gonna take forever. That's gonna ruin the fourth of July. You get enough cash to send little Timmy to camp this year, and then you call it quits, you call it kaputs and just be done with it. And you know in the back of your mind and for future opportunities, your son's a star. And every night that you lay your head down and put your head on that pillow, whether you wanted this to happen or not, you need to go, my kid's better than hers. And just remember that star quality, star potential, could do voiceovers. That's consistent money. And you send little Timmy to camp and you can't be the bitch who's bitching and complaining about the sister in law who has the American Sign Language account. You know what I mean? If she was selling Mary Kay, I'd be like, drag her ass. But she's got an account for kids for sign language. You cannot be that. That is a Karen move. If you're like, take her down because somebody out there is watching the videos, enjoying learning sign language, get a cash payout but don't take down the lady with the sign language account. All right? But absolutely, yes, dead ass. Have a conversation. Be like, don't put my kid on the Internet. But just know, don't forget, your kid is a star, okay? Period. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.
- [54:25]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
Hi, my name is Paulette. I'm from the uk. I'm phoning you from Portugal. And I. I don't. I thought I was phoning Jennifer Welch for the I've had it podcast, but apparently not. This is what I've got. I tell you what, I am absolutely sick to the teeth of the Royal family in the UK being so rubbish. I cannot believe that Prince Charles is coming to the United States. States in April. And I cannot believe that the Royal Family are constantly on the wrong side of history. I'm not a royalist. It's nonsense in a democracy, but that's what I'm really annoyed about. Anyway, bye.
- [55:11]
Heather McMahon
You know, I've been doing this podcast for, I don't know, five or so years. I have never had anybody call in trying to leave a voicemail for a different podcast. Wrong number. Who is she? She's a star and she's from England, currently in Portugal. And shout out to the incredible hosts of the I've had it podcast, which this is just fantastic, ladies, I hope you know that wires are getting crossed, international lines are being crossed, and I'm getting your voicemails.
- [55:40]
Voicemail Callers (Tanner, Paulette, etc.)
And.
- [55:41]
Heather McMahon
And this is great, but this is something we could definitely talk about. Absolutely. Not to the Royal Family traipsing over to the States and just whipping their dick out and doing whatever they plan on doing. You know, I. I will say, though, Ashley, yes. To the fact that I do believe Prince Andrew might be looking at charges. So that's good. At least there's some justice there. And I could get started on conspiracy theories all day about my girl Diana, but they did her wrong. You and I both know it. And one of my dear friends, Jared Hughes, is going to listen to this and get angry because he will bleed out for the Royal Family. Now, we have agreed to disagree. He also thinks there's some shady stuff happening, but he loved, loved the Queen. And for those international listeners who did love the Royal Family, I'm not saying she was bad. I'm not saying they were all bad, but there are some. There are definitely some breadcrumbs that lead us down a trail of whodunit. Why'd they do it? What happened? You can't lay your head down on the pillow at night. And not go, hmm, that was a little suspicious. That's really where I am. And I consistently wear an aerobic Princess Diana outfit these days. A nice bike, short, an oversized sweatshirt, a long T shirt, a high sock, and a gorgeous sneaker. That is definitely my look on my. On my casual days. It's what I'm wearing right now. So I really take a lot of my fashion inspiration from the Miss Princess Diana. I mean, she was just. She was the people's princess. I also feel that there are moments where I. I, too, try and emulate being the people's princess. No one else has given me that title except myself. But I. I will say I try and walk in her foot footsteps, and I'm snooping around. I'm outspoken. I let the people know what I'm thinking. But I also love that you call from Portugal, because all Brits go to Portugal on vacation. That's where they do holiday. Never forget. You know, they do holiday. Babe, babes, we're on holiday. So I love that you've had a couple cocktails, you're sitting somewhere probably in Porto, overlooking the gorgeous river, and you're like, you know what? I've had it. I'm trying to get in touch with the I've had it girls about how rubbish the Royal Family is. I'm gonna call 800-213-7503. And let me tell you what, I've had it. Absolutely not. Who is this bitch? Hold on. Heather McMahon. Let me Google a fat cunt. Yep. Fat cunt lover. Fat kneecap. Can't be consistent. Liquid on the kneecap. Fat cunt lover. But I'm gonna check her out. All right. You know, I'm still leaving my voicemail, babes, because I'm in a bad mood. I'm in a bad mood. Fuck the Royal Family. Bad mood. That is exactly the conversation that went on in her head. And I. And I have nothing but respect and admiration for that. What a baddie. What a baddie. I really feel that at least the Royal Family is. You know, they have a little accountability over there, kind of. I mean, I remember when the Princess of York. Is that her? Fergie Ferguson. Princess Fergie. When she was doing the Weight Watchers commercials, I remember thinking I would see the British tabloids, would say awful stuff about her. And being a chubby child who also did Weight Watchers, I remember being like, I feel bad for her now. She ended up doing a couple shady interviews later on down the road that I believe were, like, undercover. And she didn't know, and then they tried to blackmail her and then they like released the tapes. Allegedly. Allegedly. But either way, I always felt bad for her. And then to find out that her husband was the one who was the creep, you know, I don't know. I feel so conflicted. I feel so conflicted because one minute you know, you like somebody from the Royal family and the next minute you're like, wow, you may have killed a family member, Shady boots business. But that was. The only person in the family that I ever had any connection to was Fergie. Because I, because I remember I was doing Weight Watchers at the same time. So you know what, babes? I know she's not great, but that was, that's who I leaned towards in my childhood. But I loved Princess Diana. She to me was the real queen, always will be, living legend, the people's princess. To walk through those fields in Africa knowing that at any moment she could step on a landmine, hugging the children with AIDS and being like, guess what? I've got the balls to do it because I'm a real human with real feelings and the rest of y' all are reptiles and you don't feel anything because you have cold, literal cold blood running through your veins. And guess what? Prince Andrew, absolute creep, she died shortly after. So you connect the dots. Anywho, my ice on my knee is no longer cold. So that means it's a perfect time for me to swap out the ice pack. But I hope that if anything you take away from this week is that you find the consistency in your life. There's a lot of variables out there that we can't control, that we can't help, that we don't know, we don't know what to do every day. But if you can find one thing in your life you can be consistent with whether it's drinking 65 Kirkland sparkling water grapefruit flavors a day, you know, not eating protein till end the 6pm or just listen to your. Your joints crack and creek while you feel the weight of the world on your shoulders. Babe, we're all in this together. We all feel that way. Find that consistency, find that chaos. And you know where you can always find me heather.com and heather on tour.com. and I'm so excited. I'm so excited for what we have in our future. And if anything, somebody DM me and said, heather, we don't even know if we'll still be alive in a year. So I'm going to book the cruise so I have something to look forward to. And guess what? Same book it now and if we make it through the next three months, hell yeah brother.
- [61:56]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
I love you.
- [61:57]
Heather McMahon
I mean it. I can't wait to see you on the road at my future shows. And I cannot wait to see you on the cruise. And again, I will be in Patchogue, New York, Philadelphia, Boston, Pittsburgh. Netflix is a joke comedy festival in Los Angeles where I'm doing a totally different show. And then I'll be back on the Bamboozle tour to wrap it up in Knoxville, Tennessee and shooting my third special. And I cannot wait. Thank you guys for being along this crazy ride and thanks for always calling to the podcast. I love you on Mean it. See you later. Ciao Bella. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review.
- [62:35]
Sponsor/Ad Voice
And as always, follow me on Instagram
- [62:37]
Heather McMahon
at Hello Heather K. McMahon. See you guys soon. Sam.