We Will Overcome

Summary

Absolutely Not Podcast: “We Will Overcome” (January 14, 2026)
Host: Heather McMahan

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Episode Overview

In this episode, comedian and host Heather McMahan dives headfirst into the struggles and absurdities of trying to be your “best self” at the start of a new year. With her signature humor and relatability, Heather talks about wellness fads, her attempts at self-improvement, the frustrations of “quiet time,” relationship antics, the weirdness of adult gym spaces, and life’s endless ability to make everything feel both overwhelming and completely mundane. Listeners also weigh in with hilarious voicemails, from pasta recipes to gym grievances and sorority recruitment—Heather offers real talk and laughs throughout.

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Key Topics & Discussion Points

1. Spiritual Warfare & Wellness Fatigue

• Heather’s Rough Start ([00:15]):
  Heather opens with a physical comedy bit about being “spiritually attacked” as she coughs while greeting listeners—“The devil just attacked my throat. I'm not even kidding you. I meant to say I'm having a great week, and the devil just choked me out. Wow. Wow. Spiritual warfare.”

• Current Wellness Regimen ([01:20]–[05:36]):
  Heather details her “Eastern medicine TikTok” journey—she’s on Chinese medicine, bone broth, and hot liquids only. No Greek yogurt or smoothies, just bone broth, lemon, and ginger to maintain her “chi.” Resenting her sad meals of ground turkey and cauliflower rice, she half-jokes:

  "At what point when you’re eating ground turkey and cauliflower rice do you just look into the bowl, and—I don’t have a will to live." ([04:17])

• Trying To Be Healthy Is… Unbearable ([06:53]):
  Ground turkey as a wellness food becomes a running joke—and a source of existential despair.

  “I'm letting you know, I'm fucking miserable. So wasn't gonna not give you my two cents about it." ([06:14])

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2. Struggling with Downtime & Identity

• Awards Season Break ([07:00]–[10:15]):
  Heather reflects on missing the busyness of awards season and the chaos of being on the road:

  "Now that I’m taking care of myself, I realize how bad it sucks. I’ve never been home longer than three weeks... I’m more a front-of-house kind of gal, and so I’m not loving it right now." ([08:45])

• Sleep Patterns & Spousal Differences ([09:35]):
  Jeff, her husband, can just turn off his brain and sleep, while Heather ruminates:

  “You just turn your brain off. You just go to bed. He didn’t even dream. He just dims the lights, goes night night, wakes up a new person. Meanwhile, I have put magnesium on the feet..." ([10:15])

• Overwhelm Sets In ([11:11]):
  Heather describes the weird peace of things slowing down but growing existential dread as she has “too much time to ruminate.”

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3. Comedic Observations on Relationships and Neediness

• Quality Time with Jeff ([17:36]):
  After seeing a viral Instagram post, Heather insists Jeff spend 47 minutes a day in "skin-to-skin, eye-to-eye" time.

  "I need him either to be on top of me, inside of me, or just holding my hand, asking me how I'm doing mentally. And he knows I'm not well because I'm eating ground fucking turkey." ([18:10])

• Marital Negotiations ([19:00]–[20:57]):
  Jeff’s love language: bringing nighttime snacks. Heather’s threshold for “giving it all up” is low:

  "I will let him stick his penis wherever he wants. I am so easy to please. And yet, he did not give me my 47 minutes last night.” ([19:34])

• Need for Social Energy ([20:30]):
  “I need to be social. I need to be out in the streets... interviewing celebs. I need to be in Los Angeles...”
  Being home and “regrouping” is driving her stir-crazy.

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4. Big Announcements & Looking Forward

• Upcoming Comedy Special ([22:57]):
  Heather teases her new special, shooting late May in the South:

  "When I tell you this is gonna be—this is my favorite hour so far. I love this hour. It means so much to me." ([23:16])
  She expresses gratitude for her fans and the support from team members and promises a quick turnaround and exciting extras for the performance.

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5. Listener Voicemails

Voicemail 1: Pasta Crisis ([40:06])

• Amatriciana Recipe Help
  A listener can't figure out how to spell (or make) Heather's beloved pasta.

  Heather gives the spelling: "Amatriciana is A M A T R I C I A N A... To me one of the most just delicious Roman pastas ever... nice, light pomodoro sauce, some guanciale, maybe a little heat. I prefer it over a rigatoni. Very basic." ([41:22])

• On Fake Pasta

  “Protein pasta, chickpea pasta, lentil pasta is not pasta, all right? It's a lie we have told ourselves... go ahead and just ram me with your car; that’s when you know I will have given up on joy.” ([42:43])

Voicemail 2: Gym "Safety" & Male Invasion ([46:24])

• Listener: “Absolutely not to all the men in the gym midday”
  Heather commiserates with the frustration of men taking over “female only” times at the gym:

  “Ladies gym is adult swim. We should have ladies only hours…" ([47:51])
  Iconic description of “car tuna lunch” culture:
  “Every woman knows this. There’s not a single woman on this planet who at some point did not do this regimen... all sit in their cars, shoulder to shoulder, pussy to pussy, and we’d all have the exact same post workout snack.” ([48:44])

• Heather on All-Female Spaces
  Returns to the idea of the “Trinity,” a women’s only golf club:

  "No men allowed. One gay per group... You know, not every gay in each group likes the other gays. So I'm also not trying to have a fight." ([50:20])

• Heated Rivalry Shoutout
  Swoons over the new "hot" TV show and its gym-spiration.

  “Heated Rivalry is good. It is good. If you have not watched it, you should watch it. It will change your life. And it will make you want to eat cans of tuna in your car and go to the gym. It will.” ([53:29])

• Women-Only Gym Vision
  Describes her ideal women’s gym uniform (“dead father’s oversized Pink Floyd t-shirt, 1996 umbros, tube socks, New Balance sneakers...”).

  “I want the feminine energy around me. I want us all to have our pussies synced up so that we're doing this together.” ([58:07])

Voicemail 3: Sorority Recruitment Dread ([59:16])

• Heather on “Bid Day” & Sorority Chaos
  Provides advice and hilariously real wisdom to a stressed college junior.

  “Spring recruitment is important because these are the people that you’re going to surround yourself with. It’s vetting new friends... you can’t get bad energy in there. You really gotta feel em out. Trust your gut." ([60:27])

  Offers practical—and Heather-style—tips:

  “Get the whole sorority some throat coat...this is not the week to get off Zoloft. This is not the week to forget about your SSRI. It’s spring recruitment. You need to lock in... and game time.” ([64:29])

• On Sorority as Lifelong Network

  “You gotta think ten years down the road... who’s gonna stand by me? Who’s gonna stand on trial when I need key character witnesses after my second divorce? That’s the bitch you’re gonna call.” ([66:49])

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Memorable Quotes and Moments

• On Wellness Struggles & Bone Broth:
  “I'm trying to get chee’d up, but I'm fucking cheat out right now. 'Cause I had a sad bowl of ground turkey and cauliflower rice.” ([04:47])

• On Marital Love Language:
  “He knows I. I'm not well because I'm eating ground fucking turkey.” ([18:17])

• On Protein Pasta:
  “If you see me eating protein pasta in my car with ground turkey, go ahead and just ram me with your car, 'cause that's when you know I've given up on joy.” ([43:17])

• On Gym Culture:
  “Every woman knows this… we just knew it was our safe space to listen to our wellness podcast... and then just sit in our car in our sweaty thongs, eat our tuna, smell like tuna and just not be bothered.” ([48:44])

• On Unsolicited Gym Advice:
  “I don't need some man coming over and saying like, 'Oh you left some pussy sweat on this bench.' And I'm like, I know, Carl. I don't know why, but medically, I sweat solely from my crotch." ([54:17])

• On Need for Women-Only Spaces:
  “I want the feminine energy around me. I want us all to have our pussies synced up so that we're doing this together.” ([58:07])

• On Sisterhood Long-term Benefits:
  “You recruit now so the payoff 10 years down the road is sisterhood, and that you have somebody as a character witness for whatever future crime you may allegedly commit.” ([66:49])

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Notable Segments with Timestamps

• [00:15] “Spiritual Warfare”—Comedy opening about rough mornings and spiritual crisis.
• [01:00–05:36] Wellness trends, bone broth, the quest for “chi,” and food struggles.
• [07:00] Awards season break; struggle with forced downtime.
• [10:15] Sleep habits and the pressure of “optimizing” wellness.
• [17:36] Quality time rules in marriage.
• [22:57] Comedy special and tour updates.
• [40:06] Listener voicemail: Amatriciana pasta woes.
• [46:24] Listener voicemail: Too many men in the midday gym, “car tuna lunch” culture, heated rivalry.
• [59:16] Listener voicemail: Sorority spring recruitment fears, and Heather’s real talk advice.

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Final Thoughts & Takeaways

• Heather’s comedic lens makes the struggle to self-optimize both cathartic and hilarious, especially wrapping the misery of “healthy” eating with relatable hot takes on marriage, gym culture, and the desperate need for female-only zones.

• The audience voice notes bring diversity: from recipe anxiety to sorority stories and gym complaints, all fielded with Heather’s mix of genuine empathy and biting humor.

• There’s a constant theme—acknowledge the struggle and laugh through it:

  “We will overcome. People have done harder things. Right? Let’s get to the voicemail.” ([39:54])

• Heather’s closing wisdom:
  “Let’s just get strong and do the work now so that in three months, we’re like, hell, yeah, we did it and we’re here… Patience is not my virtue, but damn it, it’s gonna be mine.” ([68:27])

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In Essence

This episode is an unfiltered reflection on what it means to try (and mostly fail) at “being your best self”—all told through Heather’s sharp observational humor and honest listener engagement. Whether you’re struggling with your routine, hating every bite of ground turkey, or navigating the social politics of the gym or Greek life, you’re not alone—and laughter truly is the best medicine (even if your “chi” is off).

Transcript

[A]

The following podcast is a Dear media production. Welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast, where

[B]

we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon.

[A]

I want to start a fire. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely Not Podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you're having a great week. I'm having a good week. Oh, my God. The devil just attacked my throat. I'm not even kidding you. I meant to say I'm having a great week, and the devil just choked me out. Wow. Wow. Spiritual warfare.

[B]

They talk about it and it's happening.

[A]

No, the devil's trying to get me today, and I'm rebuking it in the name of Jesus. And I'll tell you why. It's just one of those days, you know, you come to work with every intention to do everything right exactly how you want it. I just remembered I was supposed to film something before we started this, but this takes precedent. So regardless, I had every intention to

[B]

do everything right today.

[A]

I wasn't feeling great yesterday. I said, you know, today's a new day. I woke up, I did an intense lower body workout.

[B]

I. I don't know why, because now

[A]

I can't sit on the fucking toilet really trying to lean out. Just feel like I have put garbage in my body. So my sweet husband, with a gun to his head, made me cauliflower rice and ground turkey. And I said, dress it the fuck up. Put some herbs de Provence in that cauliflower rice. And you know, my husband, who can. He's an amazing chef, but he does not fuck around with, like, cauliflower rice. He's like, nah, that's not a thing. So this morning, he's like, how the hell you want me to doctor this up? I mean, for God's sakes, Heather, this stuff smells like shit. And I'm like, just do it, Jeff. Read the instructions. Google it. So he's over there adding garlic salt, white pepper, black pepper, you know, enough onion powder to really send your breath into orbit, and it's still not enough. Also, I'm shedding on the sweater. It's just. It's a lot. I'm.

[B]

I'm probably gonna be topless in about

[A]

10 minutes because I'm having such a hot flash right now. I'm having such a. Just get it off my body. Hot flash. And I'm trying to look cute in a sweater, but it's. I'm not feeling it. Cause the lights in this fucking studio are blaring. These are the kind of like nervous

[B]

breakdowns I have, where I started out

[A]

the day with the best intention. One foot in front of the other. I'm on the Chinese side of TikTok, which I don't know if you know this, but we've all been recently diagnosed Chinese. And it's all about Chinese wellness and how they don't, you know, the Chinese culture does not start the day off in dampness, all right? It's all about your qi. In your qi, you want it to bring in warmth and you want it to bring in, I guess, dryness. You don't wanna be damp. So, you know, fuck the Greek yogurt

[B]

that's out the window.

[A]

You wanna have a smoothie in the morning? Don't think so. I'm having bone broth, okay? I'm having a warm cup of water with lemon and ginger. Because the Chinese say you gotta keep it warm. And even though I already run hot, I've guzzled down 40 gallons of piping hot boiling liquids this morning because I've got a Chinese doctor telling me to do it. And you know what? I'm going to listen to the man who doesn't look a day over 21. And I know he's 110 years old. This man stuff with enough bok choy to be Benjamin Button. I don't even know how to. Well, no, he went the other way, but you know what I'm saying. You wanna know why Asians don't age? It's called fermentation. It's also why Italians age rapidly because they only drink red wine and eat, you know, meat with nitrates. But regardless, I'm on Eastern medicine, TikTok, and it's all about your chi. And I'm trying to get chee'd up, but I'm fucking cheat out right now. Cause I had a sad bowl of ground turkey and cauliflower rice. I mean, it's just. At what point when you're eating ground turkey and cauliflower rice, do you just look into the bowl? And I don't have a will to live. And I'm really trying to be positive. I've been doing my daily devotionals. I'm doing my Spanish workbooks. Cause I have to learn Spanish in 3 months. Don't ask me why. I'll reveal later. You know, I'm just. I'm really trying to put the. My best foot forward and it's not resolutions, okay? I'm not doing that. I made my vision board. But I. I'm. I'm Just trying to do things to be proactive in my wellness. I was watching a standup clip the other day and I said, I used to have the most ripped legs and now the top of the knee's getting soft. What happened? So now I'm over there doing Roman deadlifts. It's called a Bulgarian squat, where one foot is on the bench and then one foot is in front. Like you're in a squat and you've got £40 and the knee that is holding your entire body weight up is just cracking and creaking as you do a squat. Like, I don't think my joints are supposed to sound like that. I also don't have the bench. In my. In home gym, I've been using a chair. I've been using the chair that goes in my sauna and it's wet and bamboo and about to collapse. So this is not safe. The scene is not safe in this gym. You know, I'm down on the floor trying to do a cat cow.

[B]

I've got macaroni's asshole right in my throat.

[A]

But she's being chill, chewing on a bone. So I'll take what I can get. Like, I have every intention to do the right thing and to set myself up for success. But I got here today to the office with 40 zooms, 85 emails I gotta respond to and this shit. And I forgot my computer. But don't worry, guess what Mama was clutching in her work purse, her ground turkey and cauliflower rights. And I know a couple of y', all, I know a couple of you health girls are like, just shut up and eat it down. That's what I'm doing. I'm shutting up and I'm woofing it down. But I want. I'm letting you know I'm fucking miserable. So wasn't gonna not give you my two cents about it. And here I am, I'm drinking outta my Stanley, but my Chinese doctor says, no cool water. I can't drink hot water under the hot lights of the studio and not pass out. I need a cool water. And there's a woman on TikTok named Sherry, and she's the one who's telling us that we've all been recently diagnosed

[B]

Chinese, which I'm very excited about.

[A]

And she's like, no hot water, Heather. And I said, sherry, Sherry, I need a. Or. She says, no cool water. I said, sherry, I need the cool water. So I'm gonna get in trouble. This is gonna fuck up my chi. I'm gonna be damp. You're not supposed to be damp in Chinese medicine, but here I am, unbelievable again. I had every intention to start my day off right, and I fucked everything up along the way. I think I got a touch of rosemary lodged in the right tooth. Anywho. But we're good. We're great. It's so weird having this time off right now, being home. And of course, I'm finishing some scripts and writing a book proposal and doing a bunch of things behind the scenes. So it's been really nice to have this quiet time just to reset. Cause I usually go straight into awards season, which I'm not doing this year. They switched it up over at E. They brought in the. The E. News crew. Cause which is fantastic. A shout out to everybody. Zuri, Justin, Kelty. They are absolute true professionals. Absolutely crushing the gig. But it's so weird because, you know, I've done it for the past couple years, so it's usually the holidays come and then the next thing you know, you're right into awards season and that rolls right into tour and that rolls right into the special and all that. So to have this time at home right now where I'm literally like, I'm getting up and making ground turkey. It does make me want to kill myself. Like, I'm trying to be optimistic. And Maggie, my manager is listening to this. I'm trying to be optimistic, being like, this is what I need to do. This is what I crave. Everyone on my team says, pump the brakes, slow down. You need to take care of yourself. And now that I'm taking care of myself, I realize how bad it sucks. I've never been home longer than three weeks. I've never been able to get a gym routine. And I have every excuse in the book. Cause I'm busy. I'm busy. And then I would get to award season and feel like absolute garbage. I mean, the top of my knees are looking like cinnamon rolls. How did we get here? So I know I have to be patient and just say, this is not this. This is not my season right now to be in the front. I gotta do the work in the back. You know, I'm like the real mvp. I'm the lady who works at the Ulta in the back, just whipping open boxes and restocking the shelves because she knows that folks are coming in to buy their tarte shape tape. And she knows how important it is for people to get that shape tape. She knows that if she doesn't do the work in the back, the customer is not gonna get what they want. So I am in a season of doing a lot of work in the back and I'm more a front of house kind of gal. And so I'm not loving it right now. I'm a little stir crazy at home. Fell asleep the other night at 9, 9, woke up at 2am, then was subsequently up from 2am to 7am and then Jeff had the audacity to wake me up at noon and go pulse check. And I said, you're not up in my thoughts. You know when you close your eyes at night, sweetheart, you just shut off. The weight of the world is not on the back burner of your right lobe. You just turn your brain off. You just go to bed.

[B]

He didn't even dream.

[A]

He just dims the lights, goes night night, wakes up a new person. Meanwhile, I have put magnesium on the feet. I'm wearing a warm sock. I'm covering my feet at night because my Chinese doctor said protect the qi. Okay? I'm doing a my sauna bag, my infrared sauna, I'm working out, I'm eating ground fucking turkey. I'm having a chamomile tea every night. Then I'm also doing a well rested sleepy time tea. I'm doing a magnesium in my drink from Moon Juice. I'm not having caffeine after three. I'm fucking miserable. And I am lost in my own thoughts. And I'll tell you right now, when Heather McMahon has time to ruminate and get lost in my own thoughts, no one is safe.

[B]

Over the holidays, we did an intense

[A]

deep cleaning of our home.

[B]

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[A]

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[B]

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[A]

Heather, remember, this is your time to sit down, write, get your focus. This is the time, the quiet time that we've been craving. I don't like quiet. I am an extrovert's extrovert. Go with me here. Do I need quiet time, like on the road to decompress and fill up my tank? Absolutely. We all get overstimulated, but my overstimulation is still with three French bulldogs laying on my chest, breathing heavy, mouth to mouth, while we watch Owning Manhattan, the real estate show with Ryan Sirhan.

[B]

Top quality tv.

[A]

You know, it's. I'm still. There's something on me. There's a warm body near me, and I've really been up Jeff's asshole because I saw this dumb thing on Instagram, and it was like, in order to be fully connected to your significant other, you need at least 47 minutes a day of uninterrupted quality time. So when we get up in the morning. So I show this to him. We get up in the morning, I start the clock, okay? And this is not, you know, if we're watching a show together, that's not quality time. I need to be skin on skin, eye to eye, human connection, brushing of

[B]

the hair, you know, tapping that ass.

[A]

I need him either to be on top of me, inside of me, or just holding my hand, asking me how I'm doing mentally. And he knows I. I'm not well because I'm eating ground fucking turkey. I'm not well because the calorie intake is low. And if there is one thing, one specific thing that my husband knows will get him laid so quickly is if he comes up the stairs after he shut down the house at night, and he comes up with a little snack platter of a good, unexpected cheddar from Trader Joe's on a delicious rye sourdough cracker thing, also from Trader Joe's, and a couple nuts and a little piece of dark chocolate. I will let him stick his penis wherever he wants. I am so easy to please. And yet he did not give me my 47 minutes last night. So then we get in the bed, we watch Landman, and he's like, babe, this episode was 60 Minutes. I go, that's not what I'm talking about. He's like, I held your hand the whole fricking time. You're literally on top of me, breathing down my neck. I was like, I need more. So Jeff is ready for me to go. He's like, please go back on the road. Please go do award Season. He's like, I don't care if you have to just feed, you know, Kelty, Diet Cokes. Just get outta here. Beg them for a role, because you cannot be home right now. You need to be at parties in tight dresses, bitching and complaining, you know, that your show hasn't gotten picked up yet. He's like, you need to be cunty. And it cannot be in our home. Because the level of neediness that I need from my partner, from my mother, from my animals, just my overall environment, is suffering because I am home right now. It's true. Everyone is suffering. And while. And this is. You can't have your cake and eat it, too. I begged. I need time off. I need time home. I need time to regroup. I need time to get in shape. I need time to take care of myself. Please, Please. And I'm home eating ground turkey, doing Bulgarian squats on a folding chair in my basement, and I am ready to burn it all down. I can't do it. I haven't seen a friend in a week. Okay? I need to be social. I need to be out in the streets. Yip. Yapping. I need to be interviewing celebs. I need to be in Los Angeles at the Dialogue Cafe every morning being like, oh, my God, is that Timothee Chalamet? Shut the fuck up, Timothy. You know what I mean? I need to be in glitter, in a black car, going to a party, and then walking into that party and

[B]

going, does everybody feel a little guilty for being here?

[A]

Because, like,

[B]

we're crazy, you know?

[A]

I don't know. I'm doing every daily devotional, I'm watching online church. I'm like, okay, Lord, tell me what this season is for. We're sowing the seed, but I'm gonna need the heart. I'm gonna need. I'm gonna need the roots to get solid so that then that those plants can come in. And, you know, my life is a little bit like a hydrangea right now. Or a limelight. I planted a lot of limelights at Robin's house. They don't even really come into their own till late summer. A limelight doesn't hit a full bloom till mid July. But I'll tell you what, they go dim, they go dark in the winter, and they come alive in the summer. And I'm usually opposite. I'm a winter baby. Apparently, my color palette is winter. Okay? I'm a March. I'm every season except autumn. And I don't know why. Okay? Just. I don't know why. Things tend to go south in the fall, but the winter is usually where I thrive. And right now, I'm locked up. I mean, what a blessing and a privilege it is to be able to be home and eat ground turkey while your husband refuses to let you do skin to skin for four and a half hours a day. But either way, I'm making everyone around me miserable. But, you know, this is a good lesson. I needed to take a step back to reassess what I want to do. What's happening? You know, a lot of exciting things are happening, too. I really just. Let's cut to the chase. I gotta get my ass in gear because I'm shooting a special at the end of May. We're going to announce that very soon. And it is going to be in the south. We have the location, but we just haven't announced yet. Cause that'll be a totally separate ticket sale. And y', all, when I tell you this is gonna be. This is my favorite hour so far. I love this hour. It means so much to me. And everybody who's come out on tour has said that this is absolutely their favorite hour. And I know you guys are so oversaturated with fucking standup and specials and

[B]

all this, but I am so thrilled this hour.

[A]

And I really, really, really want to have a packed house. And we're doing it somewhere special. That is just. You're going to be like, really? And I'm gonna go, yeah. And you'll understand why, because I've added some things to the hour. But that's coming out very soon. And I'm the tickets for that. So we'll shoot that and do a quick turnaround. And hopefully that will come out sometime in the fall. So we're wheeling and dealing, but I don't. I don't know if y' all are with me right now. It's kind of that lull. And I hate to do this bullshit at the beginning of January where everybody who has a January birthday is like, january fucking sucks. Cause nobody wants to celebrate me. I want to celebrate. I want to be out. If a fucking Capricorn or Aquarius right now. Invite me to your party. I'm ready to go. Instead, I gotta be home right now eating ground turkey for what? I don't want to. I want to be having Dirty Shirley's with you on top of the tables doing splits. But I don't know who else is feeling this. Like, you're setting. You're sowing the seeds. You're setting the groundwork for bigger things. That are coming and I just don't do well with the quiet.

[B]

I crave it all the time.

[A]

And then I get it and I'm like, this fucking sucks. I've had the same thing for breakfast the last three mornings, which I understand sounds insane. Hey, Heather. Most people do when you're a road dog like your girl, you don't know if you're eating at a quick trip at a Starbucks at the airport, or if you're just fingering some peanut butter in the back of an airplane.

[B]

But that's how I live.

[A]

I live on the road, man, let me light my fake cigarette. I live on the road dog. And I need to get back on tour. This time off has been jarring to say the least. But anywho, what else is happening other than me in a full spiral today

[B]

and sweating through the shirt?

[A]

Everything's good. Life's good. I'm trying to get my chi right. What else? Oh, listen, I want to give a big shout out to the My Sweet Rebs. My sweet Ole Miss Rebs. We went to the Fiesta bowl in Phoenix and it was such a blast. And shout out to the State Farm arena, not Arena Stadium in Arizona for just having huge tall boys in Mick Ultra because she's trying to watch her girlish figure. And I love having a low carb option that I could really take to the face while the Rebs were in a high stake game. We lost to Miami and this is all I want to say is Indiana. I hope you go to the the Natty and you stomp on some dongs, okay? I hope you beat the shit out of Miami. Love and light. A huge shout out to just the people of Oxford, the people of Ole Miss, the players, the coaching staff, everybody. Everybody at Ole Miss has a different spirit and joy and light behind their eyes. And we've needed this. It's been a long time coming. So it was so wonderful to be at that packed out game. And I mean, when I say it was like the Ole Miss to Miami ratio of fans was. I mean, we took up three fourths of that stadium. It was unbelievable. So hottie Toddy. Gosh almighty, who the hell are we? Flim Flam. Bam bam. Ole Miss by damn. Okay, so quick update on the wound. Thank you so much for all the fabulous nurse practitioners, doctors, really concerned citizens who reached out to me about my burn titty. I am so grateful for all of your medical advice because I did go do the interwebs and this podcast for said medical advice. The wound is slowly healing. I am doing Wound care three to four times a day.

[B]

I'm on a lot of different creams.

[A]

I have to keep it moist. Again, it's really fucking me up because you gotta keep a wound moist. But I'm not supposed to be damp inside, per my Chinese doctor. So a lot of mixed feelings. Am I dry? Am I moist? Am I wet? Am I damp? Am I. You know, do I have two feet on solid ground? I don't. Cause I'm doing Bulgarian squats. But the titty will slowly heal. And I'm going to St. Bart's in two weeks on a little adventure. So. I mean, who's gonna be eating ground turkey then, bitch? I probably will have to take some in a Ziploc baggie on the airplane because I really gotta. I gotta get into some show outfits. That's the thing, you know, I'm at that point where you try on your show outfit just to see if it fits and it's tight. And then you go, we gotta lock it up. This isn't even for vanity. This is because I don't wanna buy new clothes. And every woman knows that, yes, you do it for vanity. You want to lock up the. Get on the weight loss train. But it's cause things don't fit. And my closet is. You know, I got some good numbers in there. I got some good little freak em dresses and I can't wear them. So we're just trying to get things to zip right now. All right, Charlie, relax. I don't even know. I blacked out. So we're all here doing the most. Oh, my titty. My wound. But it is gonna be a slow healing process. And that's the other thing. I'm not patient. And my dear friend Mary Beth called me out on it the other day. She said, heather, I can't think of anything you are less equipped for, which is to be patient. To watch something heal. I am not patient. I like to dive in headfirst. I do zero research. I go. We're going where? We're going to Uzbekistan. The flight is booked. We'll figure it out on the way. That is just how I roll. I really enjoy going into things blindly. Jumping in head first with all of my clothes on. You know, I'll jump into the. The deep end of a pool with a. With a soft pair of good Americans on and just figure it out and figure it out. And I'll dry them later, bitch. But this is a real season in my life where I'm having to be patient. I'm having to wait. It Out. I'm having to take things a little bit slower. And mama don't like. Mama don't like. I'm waiting for other people to tell me yes. When I'm used to just bulldozing my way into a room and then having everybody talk shit about me once I leave. Patience is not my virtue, but it got me in trouble last year. Not having it. No, I need it. This is. Okay. Okay, hold on, Heather, we're gonna go offline real quick. Heather, get your shit together. No one is gonna listen to this fucking podcast. And you wrote down a prime list of huge stars that you wanted to bring on that you admired, that they have been on your vision board for years. And if they go listen to the most recent episode because their publicist said, why don't you listen to her most recent episode? See if you like her. See if you want to come on the pond. They're gonna go, what the fuck is wrong with this nagging cunt? I mean, oh, my God. Oh, she's eating ground turkey. We've all been eating fucking ground turkey. How do you think we made it to the Oscars, bitch? I'm so sorry. I'm back. I got that little devil and that angel on my shoulder, just yip, yapping, you know? Yeah. But whoever needs to take this time to set an intention to really get in there, take that moment to heal that wound, go on that walk meal. Replace one meal with some ground turkey and figure it the fuck out. You can do it. I can do it. You can do it. We're all gonna be miserable together, but we're doing it. But we are doing it. And for the amount of you that sent me that video of that woman who looks strikingly like me, I still have not figured out who this woman is who is on top of a table, I'm guessing in St. Bart's in a macrame outfit, doing the splits with a cigarette hanging out of her mouth, pussy popping while the crowd goes wild. I want you to know that is me. It's not me. It's about to be me. And it could be me. So three more weeks of ground turkey, and I will be pussy popping somewhere on the table in St. Bart's. All right, I'm just letting you know. I'm just letting you know. All right, but we're back in the swing of things.

[B]

We're at it.

[A]

I want to hear what you guys have been up to. I know we have a lot of great voicemails today. We got some voicemails today that I have to play from my phone because I don't have my computer because I was too concerned packing my crystals, hot sauce and my ground turkey.

[B]

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[A]

Wanna let you know tickets are on sale for this Tour. Go to heatherontour.com I cannot wait to be out the gate in one of my favorite cities in the world in Fort Worth, Texas. Fort Worth. Let me tell you what I want to come to the I want to come to Fort Worth a day early. I want to go to Joe T. Garcia's. I think that's what it's called. Or just Joe Garcia's. I don't know if there's a T in it. I don't know either way you know what that T stands for? Tamales stands for tortillas. I want to go get the enchiladas. I want to have seven margaritas that are gonna make me lose all inhibition. And then I wanna go down to the stockyards. I wanna buy a full outfit, hat, boots, chaps, nothing but a hanky panky thong underneath it. I wanna get on a mechanical bull. You know, I wanna get in touch with my roots. I don't know if you know this, but my entire family, the McMahons, we come from a long line of Fort Worth sheriffs. Oh, yeah, My great, great grandfather. Tap off tip of the cap to you, Captain McMahon. Not the one who was the captain at Delta, but I'm talking captain of the firing squad, basically. My great grandfather was the head sheriff, hbic, the head bitch in charge for Fort Worth for a really long time. And he rode a horse named Ginger. And I have a lot of photos of him in his sheriff outfit. It on a horse named Ginger. I cannot wait to kick off the spring tour in Fort Worth, one of my favorite cities. Okay, we're gonna be at the stockyards. Rat and hot in the stockyards. It will be lights out. So much fun. And the last time I played Fort Worth, there was an agriculture show going on outside the theater, and there were three young gentlemen, maybe ages eight to ten and a half, roping calves behind my dressing room. And I just literally was like this. This. It doesn't get better than this. I love. I love mixing a little bucking, bronco riding with a little comedy. And that is what. That's what it's all about. And that's why I love being on tour. Sing America. Okay, but let's get into the voicemails. If you're new here, you can always call in 800-213-7503. It's absolutely. You can either bitch or complain. You can have an absolute yes and absolutely not. My absolutely not is ground turkey. But we will overcome. I gotta quit being a little bitch about it. We will overcome. People have done harder things. Right? Let's get to the voicemail right now.

[C]

Heather, longtime listener, longtime fan, been to shows, listen to your podcast religiously. How do you sell the amatuciana that you're always talking about? Like, can you post a recipe? You're literally always saying that you make it. You go to your favorite restaurant, Italy, they make it all this. How do you make it? How do you spell it? Where do I find a recipe? Let's post these things because I want to make it. I want to be like Heather. I want to eat the pasta and be fun and do all the fun stuff, but I can't even freaking spell the damn thing to find it on Google. Google is not understanding what I'm looking for. Help me me. Help me be more love and light like you. Love and light. Love you lots. Sharing with you. Talk to you later. Bye. Oh, tell Christina and Chris I say hi. Oh, and Raymond.

[A]

Okay, sister friend. Amatrician is a M A T R I C I A N a Trish. Trisha. The name Trisha. So Amma the name Trisha and then Anna. Okay. Amatriciana. Amatriciana is to me one of the most just delicious Roman pastas ever. Nice, light pomodoro sauce, some guanciale, maybe a little heat. I prefer it over a rigatoni.

[B]

Very basic.

[A]

I use a recipe with video instructions. My favorite restaurant in Rome called Il Falchetto, the fabulous chef there made a video and sent it to me that I kept. He made it on like Canva and I watched step by step how to make amatriciana. Maybe we do a cooking, maybe a business trip. Maybe I have fly to Italy. We do a for the YouTubes because we're trying to build up the YouTubes this year. And I do a special cooking segment with my favorite team over at El Falchetto. I'm just saying that might be great. Now, I still have two more weeks of ground turkey, so why the fuck would you bring this up when I cannot enjoy the amatriciana right now, I'm miserable. And to anybody who says, well, make you with protein pasta, go fuck yourself. Protein pasta, chickpea pasta, lentil. Pasta is not pasta, all right? It's a lie that we have told ourselves to somehow wash down more. What? Ground fucking turkey. It doesn't matter if you cook it al dente or till it's so gummy it feels like a fruit roll up, it's not pasta. Quit pushing your high protein pasta on me. I want an angel hair, a linguini, a fetuccini, a fusilli, and I don't want it made out of chickpea. I mean, I'll go rogue with an egg noodle, but at least that's a noodle. I mean, I am not a purist about a lot of things, but if you see me eating out of a Pyrex dish in my car, protein pasta with ground turkey and some sad, sad tomato sauce on top, go ahead and just ram me with your car. Cause that's when you know I will have given up on joy. That's one substitute I won't do. You know, I.

[B]

One of the things tapping back into

[A]

the Chinese, all about your chi and about having warm things, it's to nourish your body. And one thing that my mom and I both agree on, we've never been big breakfast people. My mom made the best batch of chicken noodle soup, and she did tortellinis in it, and they were to die for. And I've been having that for breakfast every morning. Okay, yes, it's got carbs, but it's good. It's good. It's really good. And something that my mom cooks probably once or twice a week is she just makes pasta.

[B]

That is her breakfast.

[A]

She gets up, she'll make a puttanesca, and I'm a cuciana. She'll make a caccia e pepe. That's what she eats. And if you go to Italy, that's what they eat. The woman is skinny as a needle. Okay? I don't know. I did not get her genes. I got my father's, but that's what she has every morning. And in this Chinese medicine protocol, it says must have something warm. Like. Like, a lot of Chinese folks have congee, which is a soft, like, ripe. I don't wanna say rice pudding. It's like a soup. It's like a stew with rice and usually some protein. I am just getting up and having raviolis, and I don't know if that's part of the protocol, and that might be why I haven't lost a single ounce of weight, but either way, I am having the ground turkey at lunch, and therefore, I have nothing left to give you. That's why I'm being such a raging bitch today, is because I am miserable. But I did buy. I did take a gummy the other night, and I'm buying all this protein pasta off, like, Instagram shop. And so my mom makes it. And my mom was physically angry. Like, I come down the stairs the other day, and she's shaking. She's like, how dare you ask me to make you this shit? It's made out of chickpeas and rice flour. I don't give a shit if you're getting 45 grams of protein and someone's kicking you in the teeth and giving you a Prada bag. This is sacrilegious. And I'm like, mom, we gotta cut corners so I can book jobs. I gotta buy new furniture. And she's like, what does that have to do with your Weight. I'm like, I don't know. Just make me the protein pasta. And she was pissed. So we have a new rule in the house. She said, you can make it. I'm not touching this shit. And I don't blame her. I do not blame her. It was wrong of me to ask her to step outside of her boundaries, her comfort zone, her safe space in the first place, as an Italian woman from the Nathan to Boston, I fucked up. My Italian husband won't touch it. And even he's, you know, and I are trying to trim down together, and he's like, this is just. Just go ahead and. And quit. And I don't mean like, quit your fitness program. Just go ahead and say, why get up in the morning if you can't have a real fucking noodle? And I. I deeply feel that. So when. If you see me out in the streets and I'm eating in my car and it looks noodle ish, knock on the window and ask if it's real or not. Okay? But do not tell my. My Chinese doctor anything. All right, let's get to the next voicemail.

[D]

Hi, Heather, it's Sierra. I'm a fellow Johns Creek girly, and I just have one absolutely knot that has really ignited a fire inside of me, especially since the new year just came and went. I support everyone with their New Year's resolutions of getting back in the gym. Go be on a health and fitness journey, girly. But the problem is, and my absolutely not is absolutely not to all the men inside the gym midday during the week because you should be at work providing for your family. I feel like going to the gym during the day is supposed to be a safe space for the gals. You know, do the weights when not all the big husky fellows are in there taking up so much space.

[C]

Case.

[D]

And lately it has been men, men, men, men, men. There's no safe time to go. So that's my absolutely not. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Cow Bella. A river, dear. Chi and tiramisu.

[A]

Tiramisu to one of my local neighbors. So glad she let everybody know exactly where I live. Okay, this is. This is a problem plaguing a lot of America in a lot of different ways. It's just obviously men hovering over you while you're trying to do your Bulgarian squats, your Roman deadlifts. You know, they come over to you on the machine and there's a lot of mansplaining.

[B]

Hey, hey, hey, sugar tits.

[A]

You know what you're doing here? That's just my husband following me around at the gym. And I'm like, this is not our 47 minutes of connection. You still owe me an hour. But so I'll tell you this right now, sister friend, whatever you do, never go work out in Los Angeles because no one in Los Angeles is employed. And that is, that's the oldest joke in the book. I mean, that's from 10 years ago. That's not just now where I'm talking about how literally nobody in LA has a job because the industry has like burned down. But either way, I genuinely mean, you want to see a bunch of grown men working out at noon? Noon to 1:30, go to any gym in Los Angeles. Our most packed classes would be a 12:30 class at SoulCycle on a Tuesday. And you'd be like, the CAA know that you're not rolling calls for Brad Pitt right now and that you're in this class. Oh, do they? Cause I'm gonna call em and let em know. But I hear you. You know, the ladies used to be able to sneak in and do a little lunch workout, a little StairMaster, and then you'd eat some sad tuna salad in your car. That was always the routine. A gal would show up, she'd watch her morning shows, she'd get the kids ready, she'd do work, she'd take a nice lunch, go do 30 minutes on the StairMaster, 14 bicep curls, and then eat a can of tuna in her car. Every woman knows this. There's not a single woman on this planet who at some point did not do this regimen. Was it toxic? Sure. But we all had a little can of tuna on a rice cracker with some salt and pepper and like a diet Dr. Pepper. That's what every woman who has ever dieted has eaten in their car at one point. And we did it at 1:00 clock because we knew there were no men at the gym there to bother us. So everybody would just line up in their Honda Accords after they had all done the exact same routine in the gym. And they'd all sit in their cars, woman to woman, shoulder to shoulder, pussy to pussy, and we'd all have the exact same post workout snack. And we just did it. And we didn't say anything. We didn't even acknowledge each other. We just knew it was our safe space to listen to our wellness podcast, you know, or the Absolutely Not Podcast. And, and then just sit in our car in our sweaty thongs, eat our tuna, smell like tuna and just not be bothered. And now you're telling me the guys have found out our trick, so now they're rolling in dicks out, dicks loose, all over the bench press. Get out of here. You know, it's like adult swimming. It's ladies gym is adult swim. We should have ladies only hours. Cause, you know, there's also nothing annoying when you're actually trying to lift weights and then you've got a sensible amount of weight. I got 90. 90 pounds on the deadlift and then some. And I'm going. I'm hopping from that. Then I'm going over to the bench. Then I'm coming right back. Next thing you know, some meatheads put on 275 and I can't un. I can't unrack the rack. You know where I'd rather be? A Nordstrom rack. But here we are. You know, this is why we can't have nice things. I've been saying this for a while. I wanted to start an only female golf club called the Trinity. Go back and listen to that episode from about a year and a half ago. No men allowed. One gay per group. Because we are an ally and we want our gays there. But, you know, not every gay in each group likes the other gays. So I don't. I'm also not trying to have a fight. You know, speaking of gays, y', all, who has watch Heated Rivalry. I'll tell you what, though, if somebody said, hey, the cast from Heated Rivalry is going to be at the gym, I'd say, honey, let me sit in my car with binoculars, eat my can of tuna, and watch them pump iron. That's also one of the reasons why I think I'm on such a fittest journey right now is because I watched Heater Rivalry. The sexiest men. The sexiest men. And they are hot. And I realized nobody wants to watch somebody with, like, soft on screen. Okay? If there was a version of Heated Rivalry for, like, normal people, it would be called mediocre competition. Just a mediocre, like, we're here, we're doing. We're doing the least. It'd be called doing the least. And I'm watching the show, and the show is fantastic and it's hot and there's. It just guys and there's butts, and there's lots of love and tenderness. And the script is great and the actors are phenomenal. And so I'm reading up on one of the actors, this guy Connor. He used to work at a Hillstone restaurant serving spinach dip at the South Beverly Grill. He's probably waited on me 10 times. He didn't even speak Russian. He had to learn Russian for. For that character. He learned it in, like, two weeks. He's fluent in the show. You. You'd have no idea that this man was not from Russia. And then on top of it, he just had a ripped body. I'm like, I'd like to show up to work just already with the muscle definition so that if they ask me to learn Chinese in two weeks, shiny, I'm ready to go. Dude, heated rivalry is good. It is good. If you have not watched it, you should watch it. It will change your life. I know I'm a little bit behind. I had other shows that I had to watch over the break, but, man, heated rivalry is sexy.

[B]

They are hot.

[A]

I got hot watching it. I got horny. It was good. You'll enjoy it. And it will make you want to eat cans of tuna in your car and go to the gym. It will. It will. Cause you're just like, you know what? I gotta lock it the fuck up. I gotta lock it the fuck up. But I have always said that I think we should have a ladies only gym. And it's not that we don't like the guys around, but I don't need some man coming over and saying like, oh, you left some. You left some pussy sweat on this bench. And I'm like, I know, Carl. I don't know why, but medically, I sweat solely from my crotch. I will wipe it down. But, you know, you kind of like it. You know, I just. There's a lot of things that I would like to do that are women only, but somehow we keep having to co. Mingle, commingle. And, you know, half these guys at the gym have zins in, so they're juiced up on nicotine, which I made. I told you. I think I told you this last week. I made the dumbest mistake. I'm trying to get Jeff off the Zins, and I made him watch this video, but I didn't watch the whole

[B]

video through because I have adhd.

[A]

So it's. It's. It's a video of this man explaining why Zins are bad.

[B]

But then I.

[A]

Again, I only watched the first 30 seconds, and then it's. It's a stitch, it's a splice. And then this other doctor comes. He's like, I'm debunking why this guy's a fucking loser. And zins are good for you. And now Jeff will not let this go. He's like, remember when you didn't watch the whole video and it was a whole reason why zins are good for you? And I'm like, shut up, Jeff. Meanwhile, he's got seven zins in his mouth, and he's out there in the garage just hitting golf balls because I'm not even allowed to. I have a hybrid car. I am not allowed to go into my bay, my little part of the garage that has the electric car charger, because Jeff has set up his golf simulator. And I. My car's gonna die. I'm dead inside. I'm eating ground turkey. And he is just living the life of Riley Nicotine, double decking it, hitting golf balls with ease. And I'm over here doing squats in the basement watching a YouTube video, and every time I pause to take the sweat off my brow, I go on Reddit and read a review about myself and I want to die. And then that's the motivation to get my. My ass up and go to work. You know, I. I do think there should be spaces for women and not men. Jim, time is our time. Get out of here. Ugh. Don't touch me. Leave me alone. I want to wear a very oversized T shirt. I have these two T shirts that are left over from my dead father. One is a Rolling Stones T shirt and the other is a Pink Floyd T shirt. I don't know what destination XL big and tall store. My dad got these. They are my sleep shirts. It is my favorite thing I can wear to bed. I have every skims pair of pajamas.

[B]

I have every show me your mumu

[A]

pair of pajamas, but this shirt is perfect. And they're both really long. My dad was the same height as me, so I don't know why this man got such extra long T shirts, but it was like a joke in our family. And I wear.

[B]

This is my T shirt dress that

[A]

I wear to bed. That is the kind of outfit I want to wear to the gym. I don't want to wear a matching set. Okay. I want to wear a 1996 pair of umbrellas, lime green. I want to wear my dead father's pink Floyd shirt that goes so far past the umbros, it's hitting the top of the ankles.

[B]

I want to wear a tube sock

[A]

because my Chinese doctor said I got to keep the chi at the ankles warmed up. I want to wear a sensible New balance sneaker for my wide cheddar block foot. I want to have my hair pulled up in a messy bun so that the hair extensions don't get Matted on the back of my neck because I'm sweating so hard, going so hard. And then as soon as I'm done, I want to have a nice man woman hand me a lavender towel and say, enjoy your tuna in the car. That's what I want out of my fitness program. And I want old episodes on the television. I want only episodes of Love it or list it, Wendy Williams with captions. And I want a DJ in the gym so I don't even have to

[B]

put my AirPods in. Cause I'm not trying to get locked in.

[A]

I want every. I want the. The feminine energy around me. I want us all to have our pussies synced up so that we're doing this together. But I want a DJ playing basically $0.50 album over, over and over and over. I'll take you to the candy shop. I'll let you look the lollipop. You're telling me that doesn't make you want to absolutely crush some chest presses? It does that. All you need to listen to when you are working out is 50 cents. Three albums. That's it. Whether you love it or hate it, don't stop. That's not even. That's not even the beat. You know what I'm saying? I've only had ground turkey today and bone broth. I'm literally weathering away and wilting and my Botox has worn off. So it's just there's a lot of things happening. Oh, really? The reason I'm unhinged is because I'm also on like a hormone thing. You know what? I don't. I'm telling y' all too much. Let's just stop. Let's just. Heather, nobody gives a fuck. Nobody cares. Okay, let's get to the next voicemail.

[E]

Hi, Heather, this is Kylie. New listener here. I'm on my way back up to college, getting ready for sorority recruitment. I'm a junior and I just feel like an old racehorse who's like being put out to like the hay or whatever. I am so tired. I'm really nervous for those recruitment. We do spring recruitment and everyone's gonna be sick. Everybody's gonna be pale. I just wish we did follow recruitment like most schools. Anyways. Maybe I'm just looking for some words of wisdom, I guess, to help me get through this long ass week. Hopefully I get like a cute little bid day buddy. Some girl I can take out to lunch and she could be my G. Little maybe. Anyways, Tamasu.

[A]

Bye, Tiramisu. My, my sweet dear young, young College aged recruitment chair who just called in. You know, funny you should say this because I owe somebody a. I owe a Delta Gamma chapter right after this episode, a video for their spring recruitment. They texted me and they're like, hey girl, we need a, we need a

[B]

video to get the girls hyped.

[A]

Listen, I know that technically ICE is kidnapping people, killing people. I know that, you know, Iran's fighting for their democracy and they're about to crumble and go to war and all those things. I know that we technically, you know, are about to steal Venezuela. All of these things are happening. But you know what is really on the precipice of what we got to figure out? Spring recruitment. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's so dark. It's so dark that we have to talk about spring recruitment just because if we don't, it's gonna get, it's gonna get weird. But that is important. I have to remember that. That is important. Spring recruitment is important because these are the people that you're going to surround yourself with. It's vetting new friends. And honestly, I would like to double down and hang out with a bunch of people doing spring recruitment because if you turn on the news, it will make you ill. There's a lot, and you feel pretty hopeless about trying to, to fix what's going on in the world right now. So let's pivot to something just absolutely, just surface level, which is spring recruitment, which is finding new friends, finding new friends, finding new gals to join your sorority. You know, you can't have the bad juju. You can't get bad energy in there. You really gotta feel em out. Trust your gut. And I get it. Everyone's gonna have the flu. You're standing in front of the Phi Mu house and someone has 103 fever,

[B]

but they're in a Lily Pulitzer dress

[A]

and they refuse to go home and

[B]

sit in their dorm and take theraflu

[A]

because they, they know if they don't get in to find you, it's over. So the pressure on the recruits is

[B]

the is I would say even more

[A]

than the pressure on the gals who are already in the chapter trying to get new fun friends. And listen, we are all trying to have something to live for. We're all trying to find some joy, some light in our life after the end of last year and trust and believe. We really started this year off with bang. We really came out. I mean, it's only the second week of January and we have really just stirred the pot politically. But that being said, we have to find the joy. We have to find things to look forward to and spring recruitment and the idea of having new sisters in the house and new fun friends and all. All the wonderful things that this. This Q1 and Q2 first semester will have in store for you. It's just so. There's so much joy to be had. Had. But everyone will have the flu. And you need to know, on bid day, everyone will wake up the next day with norovirus. So just lock in. Go ahead and get that preemptive Z pack. Take wellness formula. Call your doctor, say, I need a plan B anofran. And he'll say, both you go. Don't ask questions, sir. Just hand it over. Just hand it over. Just hand it the over now. We never did spring recruitment. We never did that. We were fall girlies. Because you had to.

[B]

You had to know who your sisters

[A]

were going to be before you could head to football season. Come on now. You weren't going to be tailgating with strangers. No. Oh, and, oh, to be in college again. That.

[B]

That is so. That is so important.

[A]

And it is important. I'm not downplaying. That is, of course, important, but, man, how much fun. Recruitment was stressful. To think that that was the peak of, like, what you were worried about. And again, I don't want you to think that I'm downplaying. What is important to you is important to all of us. But now I'm like, did I make enough money last year to cover my property taxes on my new home? You know what I mean? That's where we're at. Your priorities do shift a little bit as you get older. And I realize I just sound angry and bitter because I've only had ground turkey today. Okay, I did this to myself. Heather, do not make this dark. This sweet young woman has called in and wants to talk about how tired she is from the responsibility of recruitment. And you remember being that young and that fun, so shut up. Stop making this about you and the state of the world and just dial in directly about recruitment. Okay, okay, this is what you're going to do. Okay, this is what you're going to do. You're going to get on Chinese TikTok, because I need you to get dialed in, too. You're going to be having warm drinks in the morning. You're going to coat the throat. You're actually going to get coat. Throat, Throat, coat, throat, coat, throat, throat, coat. It's an actual teabag that you can get at Whole Foods. Sprouts probably any grocery store. You're going to start drinking that because everyone's going to lose their voice. We know how recruitment goes. By Thursday, after philanthropy round, no one's going to have a voice. So I need you to get the whole sorority some throat coat. I want you to get some bee propolis.

[B]

Propolis? Propolis.

[A]

It's bee pollen with honey. You do squirts in the back of the throat, okay? That's going to also help the throat. You're going to be taking your wellness formula. Take any other medication that you're already prescribed to. This is not the week to get off Zole loft. This is not the week to forget about your ssri. It's spring recruitment. You need to lock in. You need to have prescriptions filled, you need to have outfits laid out, and you need to have sisterhood on deck, because that's what's about to happen. I need you to lock in and. And game time. And when you're tired and you're staring down the barrel of one more round of skit or pref, where everyone's gotta hold hands and cry and talk about why they wanna be a KKG or a KD or a Tri Delt or a DG so much, I want you to grab your sister's hand and look at her and say, bitch, I'm doing this for you. You're doing this for me so that we can go to Crunch Fitness alone at one o' clock and then eat tuna in our car. That's fe. That's sisterhood. You gotta think. You gotta think. Ten years down the road, you. I want you to look around at those women and say, who's gonna stand by me? Who's gonna stand on trial when I need key character witnesses after my second divorce? Who's gonna do it? I'll tell you who. Abigail in the corner, who you just recruited, that's who. You wanna know why?

[B]

Why?

[A]

She's pre law and she's also feisty. She's the one in the group where everybody gets drunk. She'll figure out a way to get the dominoes back to the house. You know what I mean? Your sorority sisters all have different key skills that may not make sense right now, how they'll benefit you down the road, but trust me, they will. They will. The scrappier the better. The wilder the better. That's the bitch you're gonna call when you're like, hey, I need a hitman. You know what I mean? Like, those are these gals that you're recruiting right now. Are going to be there for you in those monumental moments far down the road. So while you may be exhausted, your throat may hurt, you may have lost your voice, everybody may have the flu, and you are sick of singing your door songs and those cheers, I want you to remember something, you're doing it now so that the payoff 10 years down the road is sisterhood, and that you have somebody as a character witness for whatever future crime you may allegedly commit. And that's the way you have to look at it. That's the way you have to look at it. That's the way we have to look at everything. Midterms are coming up, and if we want our kids to have a good future, we gotta, what, get out and rock the boat desperately. Because we are living in dark, wild times, okay? But we gotta remember, we gotta do the work now. We gotta sow the seeds now, now, so that we can get out there and make be the change today that you want to be tomorrow. My lights are going out in the office, which means it's time. It's time to wrap this up.

[B]

I love you.

[A]

I mean it. And this is my favorite part of the week. Thanks for letting me come in here unhinged, but whatever anybody does right now, do not get off your Zoloft. You know what I mean? I don't know what you're on right now, but everybody just make sure that you guys keep those screens trips filled. That is important. Get out there, eat real pasta, shovel a couple cups of ground turkey down the gullet, do a couple squats in a parking lot right now. And let's just get. Let's get strong and do the work now so that in three months, we're like, hell, yeah, we did it and we're here. Patience is not my virtue, but damn it, it's gonna be my.

[B]

And you heard it here first.

[A]

You can always call into the hotline, 800-213-7503 and I'll see you guys on the next episode.

[B]

Ciao, Bel River.

[A]

Bye Bye.

[B]

Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.

[A]

Symphony.