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Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law the following podcast is a Dear media production welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you're having a great day. I gotta be honest with you, I did my talk therapy this morning, had a good hearty cry in my car, and my largest takeaway from that was that I don't really have time to cry or feel any sort of feeling until June. And I am really starting this podcast off strong, but it's because it's at the top of my mind. Hold on, let me adjust my sports bra over my back fat. Yeah, I had, I had one of those this morning where I think I do better almost on a phone call than I do sitting and zooming. I don't need a zoom. I'm better crying on a call and then getting it over with. I move through feelings pretty quickly. But one thing my therapist says is she's like, yeah, well, let's name the feeling. What's the feel? The feelings. And I said, listen, let's just call her Michelle. Michelle. I haven't had the year that has happened. I have not had a minute to feel the feelings. We don't have time. We have to push through. We have to go to the next thing. And that is obviously some sort of self preservation disassociation. And also, I just don't have time. I don't have time. I don't have time. I don't have time to feel the feelings. And I literally said to myself and my gal Michelle today, I said, I will have time to cry in June. Until then, I don't have time. And she's like, well, you're crying right now because you're overwhelmed with the amount of things that are happening. And I said, that is true. And I did put that upon myself. But I'll Cry in June, and I will cry in a car on the way to the airport to go to Europe. You know what I mean? And by then, I'll be over it, whatever it is. And listen, all things are well at the McDaniels house. It's not. Don't worry. And mommy and daddy aren't separating. It has nothing to do with Jeff. It has to do with the fact that I am really, really trying to do the most in the next couple weeks. In fact, Jeff has been an angel and drove me to Trader Joe's. He goes, I said, I gotta go to Trader Joe's. He's like, I don't know if you should be behind the wheel. Let me drive you. That's a good man. That's a good man, Savannah. Yeah. He's just been like, you know, I'm gonna drive, you get ice cream. I'm gonna. You. I don't know if you should be behind this. This car that you've leased, because you seem a little. You seem like you're running at an 8 right now. 8 out of 10. Anywho. No, it's just been completely overwhelming with everything that is going on. And, of course, these are things that I've added to my plate, and I know we all do this. This isn't just a showbiz situation, right? Because, listen, I prayed on my hands and knees for all these opportunities, but it is a lot of me tap dancing and court gesturing right now to try and sell the thing and do the thing and do the dance, and it's never enough. And that's how I feel. And I know moms feel that way all the time. It's never enough. You're never good enough. You know, your kids are always bitching. It's never enough. I know that people feel that way in whatever kind of job that they have. It's. You're only as good as your last gig, as your last hour, as your last moment, as your last sales call, as your last marketing budget meeting, you know, as your last client dinner, as your drawer, last birthday party that you threw for your kids. You're only as good as the last little gig. And that is a suffocating feeling some days when you're also trying to, like, regulate and be human and do all the things. Now, obviously, it's a little bit of a different gig because I actually put on a top hat and glitter suits, and there is a spotlight on me. So some days, that can be overwhelming, but it's just. It's all exciting things. But there's just so much. And I only have myself to blame, truly. You know, the pre sale is happening right now with the cruise, which is so exciting. And yes, you have to plan these things a year in advance. Over a year in advance. So those are going on sale. So I'm hawking the cruise and then I'm still finishing up the rest of the tour and then I'm in these meetings for this special and all the things that are going on and I'm making decisions for that and it just kind of feels like I am shoving myself in everyone's face all the fucking time. And then I'm about to go out to LA next week, which I can't believe that's even here for Netflix. As a joke, that festival, which is basically. I'm going to give you the inside scoop. It is amazing because I get to see all my buddies in comedy and we're all doing it, but all of our shows are competing. We're all going to these parties and everything. And you're just like, okay, well, you know, we're all scamming and scanning the room. That's just how it works. That's the inner working of getting everybody who's doing the same thing together. It's not necessarily like, yes, I have my crew of my people that I love, that we're gonna have a great time with, but other than that, it's just like a lot of a pomp and circumstance and having to prove your worth in the room, which is exhausting. But that's a lot of it. So just know that that is, that is 90% of the battle. And so let's call her Michelle. Michelle asked me today, she was like, so what do you think if you, you we. If you can't regulate yourself, you've got to, you can only control what's going on today. And I said, I think once I'm in my, my new home, which, how cool is that? In my new home. And it's finally just my space, I can shut the door, lay on the floor even if I don't have a single piece of furniture because I've ordered and done nothing. And I will just be able to close my eyes. And she's like, and that's when you're gon have a good hearty cry. And she's like, so when can that happen? I was like, june, it'll happen, June. And I'll cry for two hours to just cathartically release all the existential dread and energy that I've been feeling. And just like it's never going to be enough. I can't move fast enough. There's not enough hours in the day. And then I will lay on that floor and I will just sob for a couple hours and then I'll be like, fuck it, now we're up. Now let's go. So yesterday I was, I was having back to back calls and they're like, okay, well this, this market's down. We gotta push tickets here. We gotta do this, we gotta do that. That's doing well. Sold out in Boston. That's great. But we gotta do it ad here. Da, da, da. Like, it's just, again, it's a constant. It's different to, I think when you are constantly selling yourself. That's what it is. I'm like, guys, I can only do so much. I am one person. I'm not even selling a product. I wish I was selling something like a fascia blaster. Keep getting these ads on Instagram because clearly the algorithm knows that I'm slowly trying to put my body back together. But I keep getting these ads for this, like, f fascia wand to break up the interstellar weave of whatever the fuck fascia is, which is something between like your muscles and your organs and your skin. It's this like connective tissue web that you're supposed to break up. So I keep getting fed these, these ads for what look like medieval torture devices. And then I click on the link, I'm like, great, easy, sold. We'll buy the fascia blaster. And they're like $700. I'm like, Honey, I can get a. I could go to my friend's kid's soccer game and say, hey, Tyson, come here. You got cleats on. Walk on the back for $10 and a popsicle. You're not selling me with the fucking fascia blasters. Relax. But also, if I say fascia blaster enough, they'll just send it to me for free. Fascia blaster. Blast that fascia. And I would love to blast the fat as well if that also works. So if anybody's ever gotten an ad and, or used one of these medieval torture devices, please let me know if they work. Okay? But I'm in these meetings yesterday and I'm. I'm just thinking, I'm like, how do I regulate, how do I regulate my feelings, my emotions, my anxiety in this moment? Now, mind you, I also need to tee up what the. What the rest of the day looked like. Okay. Okay, I just go with me here. And you know what? For once, I'M just gonna complain. And I'm gonna fucking complain. And I'm not gonna be like, but I'm so grateful. No, I'm just gonna fucking complain. So we have a great show in Boston. Robin and I fly back, and this is how you know, though, you're just. You're back at it. Like, I bring Robin out on stage in Boston. The crowd goes wild. We have such a magical moment. And I. I shouldn't know by now, but every time I take Robyn to Boston, she's so happy to be on stage. She's. She sees her family. It's great. It's great for 12 hours. And then whatever childhood trauma that is just still heavily lingering in the air in Massachusetts, it's too much for her. So, Robyn. We were staying at this gorgeous hotel. We stayed at the Raffles Hotel, which was unbelievable. Got a great rate. Thank you. And I'm thinking, we're gonna stay the whole weekend. Jeff's at home watching the puppies. And I'm thinking we're gonna stay a whole weekend and see her friends and her fam and everything. And that. That plan just foils very quickly. So we wake up after an incredible show on Saturday, and Robyn's like, let's get outta here. I'm like, you don't wanna hang out? We don't wanna do dinner? She's like, well, my friend Joy, she's gotta go to Maine. Cause she has to see her grandkids. And everybody else is canceling. And I just. We gotta get outta here. It's cold. It's cold. She must have said it was cold 65 times. Granted, it was not a warm spring day in Boston. And I said, all right, Mom, I'm happy to change our flights if you don't wanna stay another day in this hotel and we do a spa, whatever, we'll just go home. I'm happy to go home. Cause I gotta do laundry to turn around and leave for my next batch of shows. So we're at the airport, and I'm telling her, robyn, look at how gorgeous the man. They really redid this. This terminal, the Delta Sky Club, they've got two of them. It's so nice. Logan's such a great airport. Robyn's like, the Uber drops us off 40ft away from the front. I hate this place. And I'm just thinking, okay, all right. Boston Robin is having an emotional regulation right now. I'm trying to just go with it. I'm trying to be positive. Clearly, we keep bringing her back. And for some reason, she left Boston and for a reason. Okay. Let's just chalk it up to that. So I'm like, okay, Robin, I hear you. I totally hear you. Yep. She's like, you know, Heather, I work for east and airlines for 20 years, but I can't remember which terminal it was now, mind you, they're in. In the Delta terminal at Logan Airport, there's a gorgeous pl. Lobster bar to get a lobster roll. Robin's like, you know, I don't like. I don't like shellfish. You know, I don't do lobster. Okay. The Sky Club's gorgeous. She's like, needs new carpet. Brand new Sky Club. I mean, I could have handed her a. A billion dollars in gold coins and a glass of red wine, and she would not have been happy. And we get on that flight, and I. And you know, she is. My mom is actually the. The patient zero of gate lice. She is up the gate agent's ass so far. I mean, they're like, are. If this was the Titanic and they were asking for women and children, Robin would have pushed a toddler off the side of the fucking boat and gotten in a life raft. That's how quickly she wanted to get. That has nothing to do with the. How incredible the show was, how amazing the people were. It was just like this physical reaction for her being like, I gotta get to warmth. I gotta get out of here. Childhood trauma. Ding, ding, ding, ding. She was panicked, and I respect it. You know, that was her journey. I get it. So she's standing right at this sky priority, you know, little kiosk, if you will, the little sign to get on the flight. They're like, is there any military? Does anybody need some extra time? And Robyn holds up her arm cast and is like, I need extra time. First one on the flight. So she turns around to me and she's like. And I'm standing 500ft away from her to be like, I don't know, this broad. She's like, heather, come on, come on, come on, Heather. And I'm like, mom, I'm good. I'm behind you. I'm gonna wait for zone one. I'm behind. So she gets on the plane, and as soon as I get to my seat, the guy's like, this one's gonna be trouble. Like, making jokes with her. And I'm like, yeah, she is actually a lot of trouble. Fly home. She's slowly calming back into herself. But I think that people don't realize, like, I am immediately bumped back into the reality that is just living with my Mother. So we get home. I haven't even put the suitcases in the house yet. Jeff came and picked us up from the airport. I have not even, you know, unpacked a sweaty thong from the weekend and put it into the washing machine when she's like, the Internet's out. You said you were gonna take care of it. And I'm looking around going, my sister's here. She could take care of it. I mean, Jeff is pulling in our suitcases like everybody else could take care of it. Why is it an immediate ask on me? I've just worked my dick off all week. But, yes, let's take care of it. So everybody else says that they have called ATT to try and figure out her Internet. And I'm like, all right, fine. Fuck it. At this point. Fuck it. Gimme the fucking phone. I'm getting on tech support. I on tech support. And it's such a beautiful day in Atlanta. We have the windows, doors open. I'm on tech support, and they are trying to sell me some sort of new satellite dish, some sort of bullshit butt plug that you stick at the top of your mailbox that then pings the cell phone signal. And I'm like. And I'm thinking, okay, if this is not fiber optic, if we're not actually plugged into a wall somewhere, then we are absolutely just frying our fucking skulls with radiation. And my mom has these, like, EMF things to, you know, I guess manipulate or ping the radio frequency from the cell phones in a different direction. I'm like, well, that's why, Robin, we need maximum radiation and electromagnetic frequency into our home in order for the whatever Starlink AT&T bullshit thing that we signed up for to work. So I get on the phone with this broad, okay, who's helping me at, AT and T. And they're like, well, where is your. Your new router? I said, well, it's in the basement. And they're like, well, that's your first problem. It needs to be at the highest point of your house, near a window, not in direct sunlight. Guys, I've already been on the phone for 45 minutes, all right? I've already dealt with Robyn and her trail of tears, the Oregon Trail that was to get her from out of Boston back home below the Mason Dixon, where this woman with a very thick Bostonian accent really feels like she comes alive. So I'm on the phone with AT&T. I'm in the basement. I go up, all the way up to my kind of old bedroom that we've made a little office up there. I'm moving the thing, I'm plugging things in. I'm sweating, I'm pissed. And then there's a live bird in the house, guys. I look up here, there's a fucking adorable, nice little bird floating around the house. So I'm on the phone with tech support in the left hand. And I got a hand towel, a nice wheezy hand towel monogrammed with my name on it as I'm trying to slowly caress a bird and capture it. But I don't want to break its wing. You know, you gotta be. You gotta be fragile with the damn thing. And I'm over. I'm. I'm like, hold on, can I put you on hold real quick? And I'm like, can somebody help me with the fucking bird? You know what I mean? Like, I am actually on full blown fucking bird watch. I'm trying to open one of our windows in my old room that we had recently painted. I'm trying to open it. The painters painted the window shut. So then I'm also thinking, this is a fire hazard. Imagine if I was in here and a Yankee Doodle Candy fucking sparked a light. We'd be cooked. And so in my brain, I'm rewiring the Internet with tech support, saving the life of a bird. And I'm also thinking, I gotta figure out an escape route. I gotta figure out what the fuck to do if there's actually a situation. So I'm banging on the window, trying to open it up, just putting my shoulder into it, losing my shit. And then finally I get one of the windows open. I'm surprised I didn't break every finger. And that bird, after I've chased it around, the entire fucking house has flown out. And it was one of those moments where I just said, this is too much. I can't do this. This is a lot. It's funny and I'm giggling about it, but in that moment, I was like, I'm gonna crash out. I looked at the bird, he looked at me, we made eye contact, and I said, take me to your nest. I need a safe place to land, to rest my weary bones, because my mom from BO is slowly killing me and the tech support and all of it. And again, I am happy to do these things. No, Heather. Fuck it. No, it's okay. It's okay. Just to complain. I'm just going to complain. So after I deal with the foul, you know, the poultry that I got out of the house, I was already just like, okay, all Right. Jeff's fixing something else. Like, we're on it. He's, like, blowing out the garage because I can't pull in my car. It was just one of those where I realized I was like, there is no actual full day of rest. So, like, I'm on the road and I come home. But because I live with my full family right now, I don't have a decompression mode where it's like, okay, I'm gonna do what a normal person does, and they just kind of close their door and they decompress. No, no, no, no. We are up and at it. We are moving furniture. You know, I'm getting yelled at about my laundry by Robin. Like, it is very much so back to. I'm in junior high, and even though I have done all these cool things and accomplished the things that I did this weekend, I am still treated like I'm 13. And so I was just like. But I also have to support and a show for and do all this other stuff, and I was just losing it. So yesterday, I'm in these meetings about, you know, sales and doing all this and the marketing and all that back and forth, all exciting stuff, and I just. I'm on an actual zoom, and I just. On the side. Flight to Europe. Flight to Europe. Booked. Booked. Global Upgrade. Apply Delta360. And I just panic. And I just. I planned a trip to Europe in the middle of a. You're not doing enough. It's never enough. We gotta get sales. We gotta do this. That I just disassociated. And I fully booked a trip to France and Italy. I just did a one way. To be totally honest with you. I did a one way. I did a one way. I cracked and I had my vacation sig merch on my hat. And I just. I was starting to get that, you know, where you're just so overstimulated, where your whole body starts to shake. And I could feel the right artery on my neck start to quiver a little bit. And I'm like, if I don't get my ass on European soil, where I can have an aperol spritz and smoke a cigarette with zero judgment or anyone telling me that there's something else on the list that I have to do or I am not doing well enough, I'm gonna fucking pass. I'm gonna lose it. So all of that to be said, we're crying in June. It'll be tears of joy. It'll be tears of relief. It will be tears of closing one chapter, starting a New one. It will be tears of Robin's making me feel guilty because I've decided to move 15 minutes away so that, you know, I can have my own space and have a home with the podcast studio, you know, all of these things. It will be an absolute, just blooming onion of layers of emotion. But I have to ride that. But until then. We don't have time. We do not have time. It's bus, club, plane, train, another club bus. We don't have time. And if you see me out in the streets in the next couple weeks before the special and I've got a. You know, the left side of my face is drooping a bit. I got an eye twitch. You know, I can't. Maybe my eyes are crossed and. Or I can't make eye contact. I want you to know that that is just me trying to take it from an eight back down to a two. Fuck, I'll settle for a five right now. I may not be able to name my emotion, but I can name the number of where I think I am on the rage scale. You know, that's where I'm at. And I am sure. Oh, trust me, I know the rest of y' all feel the same way, especially if you're a parent right now. It is the. The fucking spiral dead sprint to the end of the school year. We got field day. We got Flag Day. We have fucking by the teachers 65 presents. Which they deserve. Which they deserve. It's. You got to do a presentation at work. It's about to be summer break, it's the end of Q2. Were your sales up? Were your sales up, Lindsay? Were they? I called very specific people this morning after I got off the phone in therapy. I called Kami, one of my best friends who owns Show Me youe Moomoo because she gets it. ABC Always Be Closing. I called Jen, who's, you know, my business partner in life, and he was directing my special. I call her and I'm like, are we gonna make it? It's a very wild feeling to feel like I can't actually feel anything that I wanna feel. I have to kind of numb out until we get to the end of the finish line. And that's never healthy. It's never healthy. But we'll cry in June. We cannot cry until then. And that's fine. That's fine. And I know that there are parents that feel that way. The kids are getting out in a couple weeks, but you can't have a breakdown until their asses get sent off to summer camp. You can't. And I'm not gonna be able to have a breakdown until I shut the door and I lay on my hardwood floors and say, all of that panic for the last eight years and all that saving and all doing, all that is just so you can be in this house in peace and quiet. And I'm sure macaroni will take a dump on the floor just to spite me. And I'll be like, it's fine. I don't care. I'm not chasing a bird out of the house on tech support while my mom tells me how much he hates Logan Airport. And then Michelle also said today, she said, you realize as soon as that happens and you get that one day of, like, cathartic release, you're gonna miss it so much. She said, I don't know if you know this about yourself, but you. You love chaos. I said, interesting observation, Michelle. Interesting. I don't know how I processed that jab to the heart, but if you have not actively tried to save a bird out of your house recently, it's. That was a 45 minutes. And then I'm on the phone with the guy. His name's Santiago. And I'm like, santiago, you're doing a great job. But I feel like we could have cut 30 minutes out of this call if you would have just asked me, where's the router to be with. And the bird went all through the house. Mind you, talk about bus club. Another club, basement level, because that's where it came in. I came in from the pool in the basement level, then went up to the main floor, then was up in the attic, basically. And I was working my way back down. I mean, I'm chasing a fucking bird while tech support. It was like, oh, my gosh, it's been a lot. It's been a lot. I haven't bought a single piece of furniture for my home. I'm so behind on that. I told Jeff I will be sleeping on a fucking pregnancy pillow. And again, not pregnant, but Jeff bought this. Intense. To me, it's a pregnancy pillow that he was supposed to get for his back. And the thing is so fucking big, it doesn't even fit in our king size bed. I said, I will sleep on your weird orthotic pregnancy pillow and a beach towel in the house for the first month. I don't give a fuck. I don't care. Oh, God. I'm looking at my notes. I mean, this is all stuff that I wrote down where it's like, talk about this, talk about that. But I Did book a trip and I don't have a return. And escapism is real. And I've been kind of staying off the interwebs because that's also getting to be a little bit of a dark place. If I am fed one more video and I don't know how to reprogram the algorithm, but if I am fed one more video about how AI is going to take all of our jobs and we have three months left, I'm gonna fucking panic. Take it. I'm exhausted. I'm gonna take $20,000 cash, sit somewhere on an island off Italy in Ischia, smoke cigarettes and I'll become a fisherman. Go for it. Go for it, buddy. Lay down. I'm tired. Oh my God. I am purchasing some comfy outfits, but I want something that looks chic and I also want to feel like I am supported when I'm ready to do the athleticism, you know what I'm saying? Well, that's why I love my Lululemon babe. You feel the first time you put it on and you feel it six months later. The new spring styles. Take that even further. Dude. I'm wearing my aligned tights right now and they're so fricking yummy and buttery and soft and comfortable. And I always like to wear my aligned tights the day I have been on stage because I feel like it just kind of like sucks me back in and makes me feel supported. Listen, they've got some great new stuff though, okay. I love. They have the Rouleaux drapey yoga joggers. So it's. They're made with Rouleaux, which is Lululemon's ultra soft four way stretch fabric that wicks sweat and keeps its shape. Wear after wear. The fit is loose and drapey with room to breathe. They're super comfortable and they're very chic. I would wear these on a plane, a train. I would wear them to work. I would wear them wherever they're really, really comfortable. I also love their easy five pant. It substantial structured pant that's just right stretch that feels broken in from the first wear, but it's not that like stiff and break in period. You know what I'm talking about? Like where the pants are so stiff and you gotta break em in. No, not with Lululemon. Here's the thing you need to know. Lululemon does limited color runs. So when those new styles drop every Tuesday, they go fast. You don't wanna wait if it's not for you. Lululemon offers Free returns, no risk. Okay, so it's. If you want something else, just go to lululemon.com new drops every Tuesday. Go now. Again, that's Lululemon. They offer free returns, no risk. Lululemon.com I'm going to be getting all my cute little bike shorts for the summer and more aligned tights and the cutest tennis skirts ever. Lululemon.com Let me tell you what I have been really struggling with. That brain fog, that feeling groggy in the morning, but then it also lingers into the afternoon. And I was like, I can't keep chugging and fricking iced coffees all day or I'll have a heart attack. Well, I found this stuff called Mud Water and it's fricking awesome. Okay. It's functional mushrooms seem to be all the hype right now. So I was doing a little research and there's a bunch of different companies out there and I'm, like, too sensitive to caffeine in the afternoon. Well, Mud Water is a game changer and it's fricking awesome. And listen, this is where Mud Water comes in. Their original blend is a coffee alternative made with cacao chai, turmeric, and functional mushrooms like lion's mane and reishi. You get a warm focus boost without that weird buzz or the midday crash that usually tags along with that regular cup of coffee. You know when you have your cup of coffee and then by 10am you're like crashing and your brain still feels fuzzy? Well, this is why I freaking love the Mud Water. And if you're not ready to go off coffee entirely, that's actually they've just launched a low caffeine coffee made with organic coffee beans, L theanine and the same functional mushroom you get. And there are other blends. It's rich, it's smooth, and only 45 milligrams of caffeine. So you get the flavor without the jitters and the crash and the spiraling thoughts. So whether you're mixing up the original blend or easing into something gentler than your usual brew, Mud Water makes it ridiculously easy to start the day feeling good. It's really delicious. I love it. And it's also been a great alternative for me, not crashing out on so much caffeine. When you're ready to make the switch to a cleaner energy, head to mudwtr.com and grab your starter kit.