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Insurance isn't one size fits all. That's why customers have enjoyed Progressive's name your price tool for years now. With the name your price tool, you tell them what you want to pay and they'll show you options that fit your budget. So whether you're picking out your first policy or just looking for something that works better for you and your family, they make it easy to see your options. Visit progressive.com, find a rate that works for you with the name your price tool. Progressive Casualty Insurance Company and affiliates price and coverage match limited by state law the following podcast is a Dear media production welcome to the Absolutely Not Podcast where we do the most and the least at the same damn time. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. Hello, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to another episode of the Absolutely not podcast. I'm your host, Heather McMahon. How are you? Hope you're having a great day. I gotta be honest with you, I did my talk therapy this morning, had a good hearty cry in my car, and my largest takeaway from that was that I don't really have time to cry or feel any sort of feeling until June. And I am really starting this podcast off strong, but it's because it's at the top of my mind. Hold on, let me adjust my sports bra over my back fat. Yeah, I had, I had one of those this morning where I think I do better almost on a phone call than I do sitting and zooming. I don't need a zoom. I'm better crying on a call and then getting it over with. I move through feelings pretty quickly. But one thing my therapist says is she's like, yeah, well, let's name the feeling. What's the feel? The feelings. And I said, listen, let's just call her Michelle. Michelle. I haven't had the year that has happened. I have not had a minute to feel the feelings. We don't have time. We have to push through. We have to go to the next thing. And that is obviously some sort of self preservation disassociation. And also, I just don't have time. I don't have time. I don't have time. I don't have time to feel the feelings. And I literally said to myself and my gal Michelle today, I said, I will have time to cry in June. Until then, I don't have time. And she's like, well, you're crying right now because you're overwhelmed with the amount of things that are happening. And I said, that is true. And I did put that upon myself. But I'll Cry in June, and I will cry in a car on the way to the airport to go to Europe. You know what I mean? And by then, I'll be over it, whatever it is. And listen, all things are well at the McDaniels house. It's not. Don't worry. And mommy and daddy aren't separating. It has nothing to do with Jeff. It has to do with the fact that I am really, really trying to do the most in the next couple weeks. In fact, Jeff has been an angel and drove me to Trader Joe's. He goes, I said, I gotta go to Trader Joe's. He's like, I don't know if you should be behind the wheel. Let me drive you. That's a good man. That's a good man, Savannah. Yeah. He's just been like, you know, I'm gonna drive, you get ice cream. I'm gonna. You. I don't know if you should be behind this. This car that you've leased, because you seem a little. You seem like you're running at an 8 right now. 8 out of 10. Anywho. No, it's just been completely overwhelming with everything that is going on. And, of course, these are things that I've added to my plate, and I know we all do this. This isn't just a showbiz situation, right? Because, listen, I prayed on my hands and knees for all these opportunities, but it is a lot of me tap dancing and court gesturing right now to try and sell the thing and do the thing and do the dance, and it's never enough. And that's how I feel. And I know moms feel that way all the time. It's never enough. You're never good enough. You know, your kids are always bitching. It's never enough. I know that people feel that way in whatever kind of job that they have. It's. You're only as good as your last gig, as your last hour, as your last moment, as your last sales call, as your last marketing budget meeting, you know, as your last client dinner, as your drawer, last birthday party that you threw for your kids. You're only as good as the last little gig. And that is a suffocating feeling some days when you're also trying to, like, regulate and be human and do all the things. Now, obviously, it's a little bit of a different gig because I actually put on a top hat and glitter suits, and there is a spotlight on me. So some days, that can be overwhelming, but it's just. It's all exciting things. But there's just so much. And I only have myself to blame, truly. You know, the pre sale is happening right now with the cruise, which is so exciting. And yes, you have to plan these things a year in advance. Over a year in advance. So those are going on sale. So I'm hawking the cruise and then I'm still finishing up the rest of the tour and then I'm in these meetings for this special and all the things that are going on and I'm making decisions for that and it just kind of feels like I am shoving myself in everyone's face all the fucking time. And then I'm about to go out to LA next week, which I can't believe that's even here for Netflix. As a joke, that festival, which is basically. I'm going to give you the inside scoop. It is amazing because I get to see all my buddies in comedy and we're all doing it, but all of our shows are competing. We're all going to these parties and everything. And you're just like, okay, well, you know, we're all scamming and scanning the room. That's just how it works. That's the inner working of getting everybody who's doing the same thing together. It's not necessarily like, yes, I have my crew of my people that I love, that we're gonna have a great time with, but other than that, it's just like a lot of a pomp and circumstance and having to prove your worth in the room, which is exhausting. But that's a lot of it. So just know that that is, that is 90% of the battle. And so let's call her Michelle. Michelle asked me today, she was like, so what do you think if you, you we. If you can't regulate yourself, you've got to, you can only control what's going on today. And I said, I think once I'm in my, my new home, which, how cool is that? In my new home. And it's finally just my space, I can shut the door, lay on the floor even if I don't have a single piece of furniture because I've ordered and done nothing. And I will just be able to close my eyes. And she's like, and that's when you're gon have a good hearty cry. And she's like, so when can that happen? I was like, june, it'll happen, June. And I'll cry for two hours to just cathartically release all the existential dread and energy that I've been feeling. And just like it's never going to be enough. I can't move fast enough. There's not enough hours in the day. And then I will lay on that floor and I will just sob for a couple hours and then I'll be like, fuck it, now we're up. Now let's go. So yesterday I was, I was having back to back calls and they're like, okay, well this, this market's down. We gotta push tickets here. We gotta do this, we gotta do that. That's doing well. Sold out in Boston. That's great. But we gotta do it ad here. Da, da, da. Like, it's just, again, it's a constant. It's different to, I think when you are constantly selling yourself. That's what it is. I'm like, guys, I can only do so much. I am one person. I'm not even selling a product. I wish I was selling something like a fascia blaster. Keep getting these ads on Instagram because clearly the algorithm knows that I'm slowly trying to put my body back together. But I keep getting these ads for this, like, f fascia wand to break up the interstellar weave of whatever the fuck fascia is, which is something between like your muscles and your organs and your skin. It's this like connective tissue web that you're supposed to break up. So I keep getting fed these, these ads for what look like medieval torture devices. And then I click on the link, I'm like, great, easy, sold. We'll buy the fascia blaster. And they're like $700. I'm like, Honey, I can get a. I could go to my friend's kid's soccer game and say, hey, Tyson, come here. You got cleats on. Walk on the back for $10 and a popsicle. You're not selling me with the fucking fascia blasters. Relax. But also, if I say fascia blaster enough, they'll just send it to me for free. Fascia blaster. Blast that fascia. And I would love to blast the fat as well if that also works. So if anybody's ever gotten an ad and, or used one of these medieval torture devices, please let me know if they work. Okay? But I'm in these meetings yesterday and I'm. I'm just thinking, I'm like, how do I regulate, how do I regulate my feelings, my emotions, my anxiety in this moment? Now, mind you, I also need to tee up what the. What the rest of the day looked like. Okay. Okay, I just go with me here. And you know what? For once, I'M just gonna complain. And I'm gonna fucking complain. And I'm not gonna be like, but I'm so grateful. No, I'm just gonna fucking complain. So we have a great show in Boston. Robin and I fly back, and this is how you know, though, you're just. You're back at it. Like, I bring Robin out on stage in Boston. The crowd goes wild. We have such a magical moment. And I. I shouldn't know by now, but every time I take Robyn to Boston, she's so happy to be on stage. She's. She sees her family. It's great. It's great for 12 hours. And then whatever childhood trauma that is just still heavily lingering in the air in Massachusetts, it's too much for her. So, Robyn. We were staying at this gorgeous hotel. We stayed at the Raffles Hotel, which was unbelievable. Got a great rate. Thank you. And I'm thinking, we're gonna stay the whole weekend. Jeff's at home watching the puppies. And I'm thinking we're gonna stay a whole weekend and see her friends and her fam and everything. And that. That plan just foils very quickly. So we wake up after an incredible show on Saturday, and Robyn's like, let's get outta here. I'm like, you don't wanna hang out? We don't wanna do dinner? She's like, well, my friend Joy, she's gotta go to Maine. Cause she has to see her grandkids. And everybody else is canceling. And I just. We gotta get outta here. It's cold. It's cold. She must have said it was cold 65 times. Granted, it was not a warm spring day in Boston. And I said, all right, Mom, I'm happy to change our flights if you don't wanna stay another day in this hotel and we do a spa, whatever, we'll just go home. I'm happy to go home. Cause I gotta do laundry to turn around and leave for my next batch of shows. So we're at the airport, and I'm telling her, robyn, look at how gorgeous the man. They really redid this. This terminal, the Delta Sky Club, they've got two of them. It's so nice. Logan's such a great airport. Robyn's like, the Uber drops us off 40ft away from the front. I hate this place. And I'm just thinking, okay, all right. Boston Robin is having an emotional regulation right now. I'm trying to just go with it. I'm trying to be positive. Clearly, we keep bringing her back. And for some reason, she left Boston and for a reason. Okay. Let's just chalk it up to that. So I'm like, okay, Robin, I hear you. I totally hear you. Yep. She's like, you know, Heather, I work for east and airlines for 20 years, but I can't remember which terminal it was now, mind you, they're in. In the Delta terminal at Logan Airport, there's a gorgeous pl. Lobster bar to get a lobster roll. Robin's like, you know, I don't like. I don't like shellfish. You know, I don't do lobster. Okay. The Sky Club's gorgeous. She's like, needs new carpet. Brand new Sky Club. I mean, I could have handed her a. A billion dollars in gold coins and a glass of red wine, and she would not have been happy. And we get on that flight, and I. And you know, she is. My mom is actually the. The patient zero of gate lice. She is up the gate agent's ass so far. I mean, they're like, are. If this was the Titanic and they were asking for women and children, Robin would have pushed a toddler off the side of the fucking boat and gotten in a life raft. That's how quickly she wanted to get. That has nothing to do with the. How incredible the show was, how amazing the people were. It was just like this physical reaction for her being like, I gotta get to warmth. I gotta get out of here. Childhood trauma. Ding, ding, ding, ding. She was panicked, and I respect it. You know, that was her journey. I get it. So she's standing right at this sky priority, you know, little kiosk, if you will, the little sign to get on the flight. They're like, is there any military? Does anybody need some extra time? And Robyn holds up her arm cast and is like, I need extra time. First one on the flight. So she turns around to me and she's like. And I'm standing 500ft away from her to be like, I don't know, this broad. She's like, heather, come on, come on, come on, Heather. And I'm like, mom, I'm good. I'm behind you. I'm gonna wait for zone one. I'm behind. So she gets on the plane, and as soon as I get to my seat, the guy's like, this one's gonna be trouble. Like, making jokes with her. And I'm like, yeah, she is actually a lot of trouble. Fly home. She's slowly calming back into herself. But I think that people don't realize, like, I am immediately bumped back into the reality that is just living with my Mother. So we get home. I haven't even put the suitcases in the house yet. Jeff came and picked us up from the airport. I have not even, you know, unpacked a sweaty thong from the weekend and put it into the washing machine when she's like, the Internet's out. You said you were gonna take care of it. And I'm looking around going, my sister's here. She could take care of it. I mean, Jeff is pulling in our suitcases like everybody else could take care of it. Why is it an immediate ask on me? I've just worked my dick off all week. But, yes, let's take care of it. So everybody else says that they have called ATT to try and figure out her Internet. And I'm like, all right, fine. Fuck it. At this point. Fuck it. Gimme the fucking phone. I'm getting on tech support. I on tech support. And it's such a beautiful day in Atlanta. We have the windows, doors open. I'm on tech support, and they are trying to sell me some sort of new satellite dish, some sort of bullshit butt plug that you stick at the top of your mailbox that then pings the cell phone signal. And I'm like. And I'm thinking, okay, if this is not fiber optic, if we're not actually plugged into a wall somewhere, then we are absolutely just frying our fucking skulls with radiation. And my mom has these, like, EMF things to, you know, I guess manipulate or ping the radio frequency from the cell phones in a different direction. I'm like, well, that's why, Robin, we need maximum radiation and electromagnetic frequency into our home in order for the whatever Starlink AT&T bullshit thing that we signed up for to work. So I get on the phone with this broad, okay, who's helping me at, AT and T. And they're like, well, where is your. Your new router? I said, well, it's in the basement. And they're like, well, that's your first problem. It needs to be at the highest point of your house, near a window, not in direct sunlight. Guys, I've already been on the phone for 45 minutes, all right? I've already dealt with Robyn and her trail of tears, the Oregon Trail that was to get her from out of Boston back home below the Mason Dixon, where this woman with a very thick Bostonian accent really feels like she comes alive. So I'm on the phone with AT&T. I'm in the basement. I go up, all the way up to my kind of old bedroom that we've made a little office up there. I'm moving the thing, I'm plugging things in. I'm sweating, I'm pissed. And then there's a live bird in the house, guys. I look up here, there's a fucking adorable, nice little bird floating around the house. So I'm on the phone with tech support in the left hand. And I got a hand towel, a nice wheezy hand towel monogrammed with my name on it as I'm trying to slowly caress a bird and capture it. But I don't want to break its wing. You know, you gotta be. You gotta be fragile with the damn thing. And I'm over. I'm. I'm like, hold on, can I put you on hold real quick? And I'm like, can somebody help me with the fucking bird? You know what I mean? Like, I am actually on full blown fucking bird watch. I'm trying to open one of our windows in my old room that we had recently painted. I'm trying to open it. The painters painted the window shut. So then I'm also thinking, this is a fire hazard. Imagine if I was in here and a Yankee Doodle Candy fucking sparked a light. We'd be cooked. And so in my brain, I'm rewiring the Internet with tech support, saving the life of a bird. And I'm also thinking, I gotta figure out an escape route. I gotta figure out what the fuck to do if there's actually a situation. So I'm banging on the window, trying to open it up, just putting my shoulder into it, losing my shit. And then finally I get one of the windows open. I'm surprised I didn't break every finger. And that bird, after I've chased it around, the entire fucking house has flown out. And it was one of those moments where I just said, this is too much. I can't do this. This is a lot. It's funny and I'm giggling about it, but in that moment, I was like, I'm gonna crash out. I looked at the bird, he looked at me, we made eye contact, and I said, take me to your nest. I need a safe place to land, to rest my weary bones, because my mom from BO is slowly killing me and the tech support and all of it. And again, I am happy to do these things. No, Heather. Fuck it. No, it's okay. It's okay. Just to complain. I'm just going to complain. So after I deal with the foul, you know, the poultry that I got out of the house, I was already just like, okay, all Right. Jeff's fixing something else. Like, we're on it. He's, like, blowing out the garage because I can't pull in my car. It was just one of those where I realized I was like, there is no actual full day of rest. So, like, I'm on the road and I come home. But because I live with my full family right now, I don't have a decompression mode where it's like, okay, I'm gonna do what a normal person does, and they just kind of close their door and they decompress. No, no, no, no. We are up and at it. We are moving furniture. You know, I'm getting yelled at about my laundry by Robin. Like, it is very much so back to. I'm in junior high, and even though I have done all these cool things and accomplished the things that I did this weekend, I am still treated like I'm 13. And so I was just like. But I also have to support and a show for and do all this other stuff, and I was just losing it. So yesterday, I'm in these meetings about, you know, sales and doing all this and the marketing and all that back and forth, all exciting stuff, and I just. I'm on an actual zoom, and I just. On the side. Flight to Europe. Flight to Europe. Booked. Booked. Global Upgrade. Apply Delta360. And I just panic. And I just. I planned a trip to Europe in the middle of a. You're not doing enough. It's never enough. We gotta get sales. We gotta do this. That I just disassociated. And I fully booked a trip to France and Italy. I just did a one way. To be totally honest with you. I did a one way. I did a one way. I cracked and I had my vacation sig merch on my hat. And I just. I was starting to get that, you know, where you're just so overstimulated, where your whole body starts to shake. And I could feel the right artery on my neck start to quiver a little bit. And I'm like, if I don't get my ass on European soil, where I can have an aperol spritz and smoke a cigarette with zero judgment or anyone telling me that there's something else on the list that I have to do or I am not doing well enough, I'm gonna fucking pass. I'm gonna lose it. So all of that to be said, we're crying in June. It'll be tears of joy. It'll be tears of relief. It will be tears of closing one chapter, starting a New one. It will be tears of Robin's making me feel guilty because I've decided to move 15 minutes away so that, you know, I can have my own space and have a home with the podcast studio, you know, all of these things. It will be an absolute, just blooming onion of layers of emotion. But I have to ride that. But until then. We don't have time. We do not have time. It's bus, club, plane, train, another club bus. We don't have time. And if you see me out in the streets in the next couple weeks before the special and I've got a. You know, the left side of my face is drooping a bit. I got an eye twitch. You know, I can't. Maybe my eyes are crossed and. Or I can't make eye contact. I want you to know that that is just me trying to take it from an eight back down to a two. Fuck, I'll settle for a five right now. I may not be able to name my emotion, but I can name the number of where I think I am on the rage scale. You know, that's where I'm at. And I am sure. Oh, trust me, I know the rest of y' all feel the same way, especially if you're a parent right now. It is the. The fucking spiral dead sprint to the end of the school year. We got field day. We got Flag Day. We have fucking by the teachers 65 presents. Which they deserve. Which they deserve. It's. You got to do a presentation at work. It's about to be summer break, it's the end of Q2. Were your sales up? Were your sales up, Lindsay? Were they? I called very specific people this morning after I got off the phone in therapy. I called Kami, one of my best friends who owns Show Me youe Moomoo because she gets it. ABC Always Be Closing. I called Jen, who's, you know, my business partner in life, and he was directing my special. I call her and I'm like, are we gonna make it? It's a very wild feeling to feel like I can't actually feel anything that I wanna feel. I have to kind of numb out until we get to the end of the finish line. And that's never healthy. It's never healthy. But we'll cry in June. We cannot cry until then. And that's fine. That's fine. And I know that there are parents that feel that way. The kids are getting out in a couple weeks, but you can't have a breakdown until their asses get sent off to summer camp. You can't. And I'm not gonna be able to have a breakdown until I shut the door and I lay on my hardwood floors and say, all of that panic for the last eight years and all that saving and all doing, all that is just so you can be in this house in peace and quiet. And I'm sure macaroni will take a dump on the floor just to spite me. And I'll be like, it's fine. I don't care. I'm not chasing a bird out of the house on tech support while my mom tells me how much he hates Logan Airport. And then Michelle also said today, she said, you realize as soon as that happens and you get that one day of, like, cathartic release, you're gonna miss it so much. She said, I don't know if you know this about yourself, but you. You love chaos. I said, interesting observation, Michelle. Interesting. I don't know how I processed that jab to the heart, but if you have not actively tried to save a bird out of your house recently, it's. That was a 45 minutes. And then I'm on the phone with the guy. His name's Santiago. And I'm like, santiago, you're doing a great job. But I feel like we could have cut 30 minutes out of this call if you would have just asked me, where's the router to be with. And the bird went all through the house. Mind you, talk about bus club. Another club, basement level, because that's where it came in. I came in from the pool in the basement level, then went up to the main floor, then was up in the attic, basically. And I was working my way back down. I mean, I'm chasing a fucking bird while tech support. It was like, oh, my gosh, it's been a lot. It's been a lot. I haven't bought a single piece of furniture for my home. I'm so behind on that. I told Jeff I will be sleeping on a fucking pregnancy pillow. And again, not pregnant, but Jeff bought this. Intense. To me, it's a pregnancy pillow that he was supposed to get for his back. And the thing is so fucking big, it doesn't even fit in our king size bed. I said, I will sleep on your weird orthotic pregnancy pillow and a beach towel in the house for the first month. I don't give a fuck. I don't care. Oh, God. I'm looking at my notes. I mean, this is all stuff that I wrote down where it's like, talk about this, talk about that. But I Did book a trip and I don't have a return. And escapism is real. And I've been kind of staying off the interwebs because that's also getting to be a little bit of a dark place. If I am fed one more video and I don't know how to reprogram the algorithm, but if I am fed one more video about how AI is going to take all of our jobs and we have three months left, I'm gonna fucking panic. Take it. I'm exhausted. I'm gonna take $20,000 cash, sit somewhere on an island off Italy in Ischia, smoke cigarettes and I'll become a fisherman. Go for it. Go for it, buddy. Lay down. I'm tired. Oh my God. I am purchasing some comfy outfits, but I want something that looks chic and I also want to feel like I am supported when I'm ready to do the athleticism, you know what I'm saying? Well, that's why I love my Lululemon babe. You feel the first time you put it on and you feel it six months later. The new spring styles. Take that even further. Dude. I'm wearing my aligned tights right now and they're so fricking yummy and buttery and soft and comfortable. And I always like to wear my aligned tights the day I have been on stage because I feel like it just kind of like sucks me back in and makes me feel supported. Listen, they've got some great new stuff though, okay. I love. They have the Rouleaux drapey yoga joggers. So it's. They're made with Rouleaux, which is Lululemon's ultra soft four way stretch fabric that wicks sweat and keeps its shape. Wear after wear. The fit is loose and drapey with room to breathe. They're super comfortable and they're very chic. I would wear these on a plane, a train. I would wear them to work. I would wear them wherever they're really, really comfortable. I also love their easy five pant. It substantial structured pant that's just right stretch that feels broken in from the first wear, but it's not that like stiff and break in period. You know what I'm talking about? Like where the pants are so stiff and you gotta break em in. No, not with Lululemon. Here's the thing you need to know. Lululemon does limited color runs. So when those new styles drop every Tuesday, they go fast. You don't wanna wait if it's not for you. Lululemon offers Free returns, no risk. Okay, so it's. If you want something else, just go to lululemon.com new drops every Tuesday. Go now. Again, that's Lululemon. They offer free returns, no risk. Lululemon.com I'm going to be getting all my cute little bike shorts for the summer and more aligned tights and the cutest tennis skirts ever. Lululemon.com Let me tell you what I have been really struggling with. That brain fog, that feeling groggy in the morning, but then it also lingers into the afternoon. And I was like, I can't keep chugging and fricking iced coffees all day or I'll have a heart attack. Well, I found this stuff called Mud Water and it's fricking awesome. Okay. It's functional mushrooms seem to be all the hype right now. So I was doing a little research and there's a bunch of different companies out there and I'm, like, too sensitive to caffeine in the afternoon. Well, Mud Water is a game changer and it's fricking awesome. And listen, this is where Mud Water comes in. Their original blend is a coffee alternative made with cacao chai, turmeric, and functional mushrooms like lion's mane and reishi. You get a warm focus boost without that weird buzz or the midday crash that usually tags along with that regular cup of coffee. You know when you have your cup of coffee and then by 10am you're like crashing and your brain still feels fuzzy? Well, this is why I freaking love the Mud Water. And if you're not ready to go off coffee entirely, that's actually they've just launched a low caffeine coffee made with organic coffee beans, L theanine and the same functional mushroom you get. And there are other blends. It's rich, it's smooth, and only 45 milligrams of caffeine. So you get the flavor without the jitters and the crash and the spiraling thoughts. So whether you're mixing up the original blend or easing into something gentler than your usual brew, Mud Water makes it ridiculously easy to start the day feeling good. It's really delicious. I love it. And it's also been a great alternative for me, not crashing out on so much caffeine. When you're ready to make the switch to a cleaner energy, head to mudwtr.com and grab your starter kit.
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Today.
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Right now, our listeners will get an exclusive deal, up to 43% off starter kits, plus free shipping and free rechargeable frother when you use code. Absolutely. That's right. I said up to 43% off your code. Absolutely. At M u d w t r.com that's mud water, but I'm gonna spell it out again. M u d w t r.com after you purchase, they'll ask where you found them. Please show your support and let them know that we sent you. You know, most healthy ice cream pints have let you down. Okay, you've been promised indulgence but end up disappointed. Better for you should not mean worse taste or unmet cravings. And we've played long enough, taken bites and pretended it was fine when you know you and I both know it wasn't time to ditch the freezer frauds. Yazzo is a real deal. Yazzo took everything you love about ice cream and upgraded it with creamy frozen Greek Yogurt. It is the best of both worlds baby. It is delicious. Ice cream tastes with better for your nutrition. It's available in bars, Chocolate Crunch bars, sandwiches, poppables and Yazzo just launched the new spoonables, which each have around 400 calories and 19 grams of protein per container. Now through April 30th, Yazzo is giving away 40,001 of their new spoonables. Head to Yazo.com absolutely to enter and upgrade your freezer. That's Y-A-S-S-O.com absolutely to enter and find full giveaway details, rules and regulations. Find Yazo Spoonables at a grocery store near you. They are delicious. I keep it in my freezer when I am wanting a sweet treat and I want something cool. Especially in these warmer months, I reach for that Yasso spoonable. It is so fricking delicious and I love that it's creamy frozen Greek yogurt. It's truly so fricking delicious. You will love it. I know you will. And again, you can find their new spoonables at a grocery store near you. Again, that's Y-A-S-S-O.com Absolutely. This message is brought to you by Apple Card. Apple Card is a no fee credit card that you can apply for right from the Wallet app on your iPhone. Subject to credit approval. Variable APRs for Apple Card range from 17.49% to 27.74% based on creditworthiness rates as of January 1, 2026. Existing customers can view their variable APR in the Wallet app or@card.apple.com Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch terms and more@applecard.com. are you really buying a car online on autotrader right now?
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Really?
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A
At a playground? Yeah. Really? Look at these listings from dealers. Wow, your search can really get that specific. Really? And you just put in your info and boom, car's in your budget. Mom needs a second. Honey, you can really have it delivered. Really? Or I can pick it up at the dealership. One sec, sweetie. Mommy's buying a car. Mommy, look. I think your kid is walking up the slide. Kyle. Again? Really? Auto trader buy her car online? Really? And then there was another thing. Robin is. Which rightfully so, we should all be concerned. But Robin is so scared about where these scientists have gone. Do you know where the scientists are? I'm either getting videos, AIs taking everyone's jobs, and where are the scientists? Robin turned to me after the Boston show, after I did my meet and greet. We saw some family, friends, and she just turned to me, completely unprompted, and says, like, heather, I got a question for you. I said, yeah, mom, what do you want to eat? She's like, where the scientist, Michael? You tell me. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, I think the 14th scientist. Scientists go missing. And this is all over the news. Mystery of 12 missing or dead scientists as Lawmakers launch investigation. The mystery of missing and dead scientists explained. So, I mean, we're actually talking about this. And that's what the wild thing. And this is politics to the side. This is just truly like, we're living in the Upside Down. Like, everybody now is like, we're the scientists. You know, who could figure it out? Ms. Frizzle and the magic school bus. Inject her into someone's ass. And let's see if we can figure out where the scientists are. Because I look like Ms. Frizzle today with my hair in a tight coif at the top. And I am always one chunky sweater away from just fully frizzling out. Listen, I may have a little time off in June. I could probably find the scientists. So this whole thing is that there's 11 scientists that apparently all worked on the same UFO project, and they're all missing. Okay? The mister. Okay, so let's. Let's break it back. I asked Robin, what about the scientists? Who were the scientists? She's like, you know, the scientists that are missing. I started doing a little Google search on this dude. There's 11 scientists currently. Oh, sorry. Now 12. And apparently they all worked on the same sort of classified investigation into UFOs. So this says conspiracy theory over UFOs and missing scientists spread from Webb to White House. Claim of nefarious plot draws attention of lawmakers and president. Are the disappearances and deaths really linked? Says the deaths of at least 11 scientists, each allegedly connected in some way to space defense and nuclear research. Really linked in a nefarious plot and one that involves the Chinese or other state enemies or possibly links back to UFOs. Okay, so Rotman looks to me at one point right before she closed her eyes after the Boston show, and she's laying in the bed and she's like, I'll tell you right now, if I was a scientist right now, I wouldn't be telling anybody. And I'm like, you got a point? Where are they going? And, you know, usually in a situation where they're really trying to take out the whistleblower, you kill, like, one of them. But now they're just doing all of them. And I. I'm not great at doing crime. That's not. I've never done the crimes. But if I was gonna do crimes, I don't know if I'd kill all of them. Right. It just seems maybe like one or three, but all of them. Yeah. I think we have a pattern here. Like, now you're guilty. Now we know that they know that what? We know that they know that we don't know, but we're about to know. But then you killed them, so we can't know. So Robin is very anxious right now about where the scientists are and as we all should be. I mean, fuck, this is real. Isn't it weird, though, that as I even read this, it kind of feels like a movie? Like, I'm like, oh, the scientists are missing. What is that? Is that apathy that I feel? Nothing. I'm like, what? That's crazy. Wait a minute, another scientist. I'm scrolling down on this article. Monica Reza disappeared in June of last year. She served as director of the NASA Labs Materials Processing Group. She had set out on a hike in the Angeles National Forest with a companion. A police report said reza, who was 60, was about 30ft behind her friend when she disappeared. Her body was never found. I'm sorry, Just up and vanished on a hike? Well, that seems insanely suspicious. I mean, that's a. Beam me up, Scotty. If you're walking 30ft, you got a friend 30ft behind you. Like I would know if Raymond got snatched by someone, I would hear it. Not a gasp. Not a. Like, even a suction noise. Something. I would hear it. That's insane. So where are the scientists? You tell me. Where are they? What are they doing? Who killed them? Are they alive? Are they being held somewhere? Whatever happened in the Malaysia flight, you tell me. There's a lot of things that we have to solve, but we probably. I don't really have time to solve them until June. And then once June hits, I will really sit in my house with no furniture and maternity pillow and a beach towel, and I will just roll around. And then you'll really have to come do a wellness check on me. Truly. Wow. Well, I have a little downtime. I was talking with Maggie, my manager today, and I'm gonna try and do another round of IVF to get some eggs. And this is what's also crazy, is that I'm having to, like, schedule it out because I'm never home. So obviously I can't do it right now. But then we have something coming up in the fall and I need to schedule this. And I'm like, okay, I could. Maybe there's in July when I could do the. The egg retrieval and all this shit. And she's like, we just have to figure this out because you. This is a priority, and you need to find two weeks sometime this summer where you can sit and, and extract things from your body. And I'm like, yeah, but I also, Maggie, have to find the scientist because Robin's not going to get off my ass until I find them. I got a bird loose in the house, I'm fixing the WI fi and I got to find the scientist. You know, at this point, my body is a science experiment. Shit, dude. Shit. So much going on. But I. I really don't know what it is when I start to panic and I. And I get anxious. I just book a flight to Europe and the flights are not cheap, but I have like eight global upgrades that I gotta use this summer. You know, I'm. I'm using it. I said we're using it. We're not having a single global upgrade go to waste. We are going places. And if you try and call me and say, heather, can you gift me a global upgrade? No, I have to be on the flight with you. That's how that works. In order to use one, you gotta go with me. So that also opens us up to, you can come on the trip. You know, this is my first summer in a minute where I have not had an invite to a wedding. This is my first year in the last 12 years, 12 summers where we haven't had a wedding on the horizon. I've got friends that have gotten engaged, but we don't have a wedding this year.
- [38:12]
B
Year.
- [38:13]
A
Everyone's, like, punting it down to 2027, respectfully. So it was a little rocky for everybody last year. I think a lot of folks are like, we're just gonna see how this summer plays out. Let's see how this one plays out. We got a lot of things going over in the straight of Hormuz. Let's just see how things play out. And then we're gonna. We're gonna start planning weddings. However I am, I am locked and loaded. If there is a little piece of just hot gossip that I want to be a part of, I am actively checking the BL to know what's going on with the Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce wedding. I do. I want to know. I want to know where it is. I don't know if they're trying to, like, throw us off, throw our scent off. Right? They're trying to. They're dropping loose breadcrumbs in other parts of the Northeast, you know. Now they're saying that the wedding's going to be in New York. I don't think so. I still think it's going to be in Rhode Island. And then you also got to guess who's on the guest list. Now, I flew all the way to Europe to see my wonderful friend Ms. Taylor Alison Swift on the Eras tour, and I just thought, I don't know, maybe I'd get an invite. I did not. I have not. Which is a little disappointing. But how do we see who we think? Okay, so download this. Okay, hold on. I'm downloading polymarket. And everyone said that you can look who. Hold on. Let's type this in. Who will attend Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce's wedding? So we can predict. It's a predictive market, I guess. Guess to see who. Wait. Oh, my God. This is insane. Okay, so 82% say that Jack Antof Antonoff. I'm sorry. Is going to go. Which I can see that absolutely happened. But Max Martin also just did her last album, so I'm wondering, are those two going to get along? We got 22% on Blake Lively. Okay. Okay. Yeah, that's going to be interesting. Will she be a bridesmaid? I need to know. I need to know about somebody else's wedding gossip to disassociate from my crazy life right now. And this is, without a doubt, the most unusual and I guess I didn't see coming. Guess it says 3% believe that Andrew Tate from the manosphere will Be at the wedding. Could you imagine? Could you imagine? Could you imagine if Travis Kelsey was like, my boy. Andrew Tate's gonna come to my wedding. He's one of the groomsmen. Hell, yeah, brother. Obviously he's not coming, but that is fucking hysterical. You know, we got the usual. The Alana. That. The Heim sisters. We got Patrick Mahomes, Lana Del Rey, Brittany sd, All those gals, Selena, Sabrina and Gracie. I'm just saying it. If at any point we wanted to add an invite for myself, Heather McMahon, and Jeff Daniels, it'd be great. Jeff can talk sports with the guys. Oh, my God. He could talk to all the guys about the sports. And then I can just chit chat and kind of harmonize. Could you imagine sitting at a table with Selena and Sabrina and the Heim sisters? And I'm like, okay, guys, come. Come with the kick drum. And they're like, hey, we're off the clock right now. Like, no one is singing at this wedding. Like, she got a band and a dj. Relax. And I'm like, but you guys don't want to do a great, quick. Just a quick little. Maybe some scats. Singing shuba bop bop a ding bap. And they're like, hey, so you were not invited to this wedding, but Andrew Tate was. Can you get out of here? I'm like, cool, cool, cool, cool. All right. Yeah. I need somebody to get married so we have something to look forward to, because, again, it's. It's a lot on me. The specials about me, the story, you know, the cruises about me, all this. I. I need. Can we celebrate somebody else? I need to deflect all of this attention and the emotions I can't control onto somebody else. Somebody else. Be Bridezilla so we can be about them. Honestly, I was not Bridezilla in the least bit. I was too busy before my wedding to even have an attitude. I went straight from tour, straight to the wedding, and I was like, all right. Is everyone having fun? Great. That's all I care about. About. I mean, maybe some people will say otherwise, but I really like if you didn't come or if you were causing a ruckus the day of, I was like, I didn't give a fuck. I was like, all right. And again, I think that's because I shut down. Instead of actively addressing a problem that I'm feeling or stating the emotion, I just go to Europe. So once everybody got to Europe for my wedding, I was like, we're good. I don't care. I got my vacation zig I don't give a fuck if you show everyone your dong at dinner. I don't care hair you. Do you. Because I'm a do me. Yeah. And I'm so excited. We announced that Maria, Ria and Fran are coming from Chicks in the Office. They're coming on the cruise, which is going to be so much fun. We made that announcement last week. I just adore those girls. And Ria was going to Italy this past week, so I called my boys at Il Falchetto. They line it up. I call my people over at Trattoria Perione. I call my girl at Papini, the leather shop in Florence. I'm like, here's where you're going. This is what you're doing, doing. I just get such a euphoric high out of having folks have an enjoyable experience abroad. And. And maybe I'm going to moonlight this summer as I'm doing IVF and laying on my. My beach towel. I will also be planning everyone's trips. So if you want to go to Europe and you have the points and you're ready to go, call me, because I also need something to look forward to. And if I know, if I'm not invited to Taylor Swift's wedding, I at least need to know that you guys are going on a vacation as well. Well. And I will plan your trip. I mean, nothing gets me hornier or more excited than making reservations for people abroad. I just. I love it. It tingles every spiny sensation in my body. I mean, I just. Italy is so incredible. But I also love France and I also love Belgium, and I just. New Zealand's the coolest place I've ever been to in Australia is fantastic. And I'm worried that the price of gas is going to go so far up that none of us are ever going to be able to travel ever again. So if you want to go to Europe, do it right now. And I'll plan the whole trip to. That's my version of asmr. You know, just eating some spaghetti, eating some gelato, making purchases with money that doesn't feel like it's real because it's a Euro, you know, I just love it. I love it. But I did. A couple folks have asked, and I don't know why, but I have gotten a question recently. Are you going to Taylor Swift's wedding? And the answer is no. I know nothing. And I don't know why you guys think that I would know, but I do think that this wedding, whether you like her, you don't. This Wedding is what we all need to feel like we have something to look forward to because we're all in it. We're all stern. Sternin. We're all stirring and churning and trying to get through the next couple weeks. I know it's a mad dash for all my friends who are parents. They. I mean, I've talked to all my girlfriends about it. They're like schools out there. In three weeks, it's hell. And all my friends who are in working and twerking, they're like, I've got 16 conferences before the 4th of July. What the fuck? So everyone's feeling it, and then on top of that, we don't know where the scientists are. So you tell me what we're supposed to do. So, yeah, I might need something to look forward to, like an invitation to Taylor Swift's wedding. Never met her before, but come on. All right, now that I've worked through my shit, let's get to some voicemails. I love hearing what you guys have been up to, too. Let's see, let's see. As always, you can call into the hotline, 800-213-7503. But let me see what you guys have been up to. 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- [50:17]
B
Hey Heather, how's it going? I'm going to stay anonymous for this one because you'll find out why in a second. I'm calling today because I need to reveal something to someone who's not my sister and I refuse to reveal this to anybody else because it's just going to cause a open a can of worms. So I'm just going to get this off my chest to you and maybe you can, you know, provide me with some emotional support because otherwise I'm gonna burst out in tears. You know, basically I found out that my parents lied about my birth year. I'm actually born in 2001 and not 2002. And you know what's so insane about all of this? I recently changed my phone number because I wanted the last four digits to be 2002 because I'm obsessed with the fact that I'm born on September 22, 2002. But no, my entire life's a lie. My phone number is a lie now. And I. And the, you know, the crazy part about all of this is my parents were mad that I have been bothering them about this for years because I have known there was something fishy going on literally since 12 years ago. And I'm 23. Well, I don't even know if I'm 23. Probably fucking 24. But anyways, I just need to let you know this. 23 and suffering or 24 and suffering? I don't even know. I feel like I'm just an old hag now. Yeah, I have nothing else to say other than I love you and is life even worth living? Okay, have a great day. Bye.
- [52:01]
A
Listen, dear friend, I absolutely love and adore you as well. Okay? We all have dark senses of humor here at the Absolutely Not Podcast, but, like, we have to laugh. Let's giggle a little bit. Okay, first of all, what an odd thing for your parents to lie about. Unless. Hear me out. Unless they were not married and they're old school, right? Unless they lied about you being born a year later, which I don't understand how that would really even work with time and space. If they lied about it because they were unwed and they're like, okay, well, if we have the baby this year, but then we get married the next year, I. It still doesn't. I mean, it still doesn't make sense. I don't. I need more clarification. And this is when this would be great for us to be able to do a live caller so we can really chit chat with you. But what is the point of lying? Except that they were trying to hide that you were out of wedlock, Right? Remember when on the Real Housewives of Atlanta, they were all sitting around and they were having a discussion about when Phaedra was due, and she was like, yeah, you know, it's probably sometime in August. And they're like, august? But aren't you, like, nine months pregnant? Or, you know, the baby was gonna be coming in August. She was lying about the timeline. And they're like, but that would only make you, like, five months pregnant. She's like, no, they said that that's a healthy time to deliver Nene. And every woman at the table's like, yeah, so we've all had children, and unless there's, like, something majorly wrong, like, that's. That's. They don't usually encourage to deliver a baby that early. And she's like, no, da, da. No, I believe it. He'll be full in August. She just kept saying, he'll be full. You know, he'll be full in August. They're like, full fully grown. What is happening now? I really am trying to. Let's just Google. Let's just ask. Why would parents lie about the year their kids were born? Parents may lie about their child's birth year to gain social, financial, or else academic advantages, such as delaying school entry for an advantage, fitting into lower age brackets for sports discounts. Oh, what if they. Dude, what if this was all for, like, travel, soccer? Because your mom was like, we can get 40% off if we say she's. She's younger. Than she really is there. It could also. Oh. Other reasons include concealing adoption details, managing embarrassment regarding a child's birth circumstances, or correcting official documentation errors. Okay, so, okay, obviously you can do a thing called like, red shirting, which is, you know, they make parents make their kids seem younger so that they can play an extra year, which I don't think that's it. From the tone of your voice, I'm not getting, like softball star, no offense. Adoption and documentation. In international or late stage adoptions, the exact age may be unknown or adjusted downward to improve adoption chances. Okay. Okay. So I don't know. We didn't get any information on this, but I think you need to maybe do a blood test and see if your parents are really your parents. Right. Okay. Now this is actually getting. Okay, Ms. Frizzle. I gotta. Hold on. Let me tighten my coiffed little French twist in the back. Let me. Let me get my Miss Frizzle cap on. Where are the scientists? And are these your real parents? That's what we're trying to solve today.
- [55:39]
B
Shit.
- [55:41]
A
We. Okay, okay. Tread lightly here. I don't know. Now, there are some other reasons why they may have lied about your age, age, financial and social. Social advantages. Lowering a child's age to pay less for tickets, daycare, or access benefits meant for younger children. But I don't think this is so that they can keep you in the stroller a couple months longer to take you to Six Flags or Disneyland. I'm not getting that vibe. Now, we could also just chalk it up to the fact that maybe there was something fucked up on the birth certificate and they were confused. You know, your mom's going through a hormone, your dad's trying to figure out what the fuck is going on. He's a new parent, so maybe they just. They were confused. Maybe the whole year was a blur. I've done that before. I mean, I fucked up my IVF three times in a row. That's why I'm having to do it again this fall. I'm not great with numbers and time and space. I'm really not. Directions. I can. I can get you from here to Albuquerque blindfolded, hands tied. And I. I'll just feel. Feel the rhythm of the wind and wherever it blows, your Toyota Corolla is how we're getting there. I just. I have an insane instinct on direction. But will I probably know the accurate date of my child's birth? Probably not. It's. Cause I'm dyslexic with numbers. I even have some, like of my bestest friends that I've been friends with for 20 plus years. And I have to actively say, like, January 6th, September 7th, 17th, September 15th, September, this. You know what I mean? Like, I. I really have to, like, state it over and over again in almost a mantra. Now, some other reasons that Google said. Family convenience. Parents may use a fake birth date for a child born near Christmas to ensure their birthday feels distinct from the holiday. I don't think that that's the case. I don't know. I don't. I don't think that's it. I don't think they were worried about ruining the holiday day. Avoidance of shame. Parents might lie to hide issues related to birth circumstances or to feel that adoption or slash infertility struggles were not present. Okay, okay. This is leading us back up to the document. Documentation of adoption or cultural practices. Some cultural contexts may differ in how they calculate age, sometimes treating a child as one year old at birth, which is also confusing because don't they say that your birthday is actually like, I just turned 39. But really I'm. Is it? I'm 40. I don't know. Again, time, space, numbers is not where I thrive. I thrive on driving you to Albuquerque, though. Never been there, but I'll figure it out. I'm really good with directions and. What, making phone calls. I'm really good at that. That's why I should not have had such a challenge with tech support with AT&T this weekend. But it's because. Why? I was getting attacked by a bird. This is nuts. I don't. I really don't think it's because they were trying to get a discount for your ass to ride the scream machine at Six Flags. I'm not feeling that one. I don't think it's the family convenience. You know, it could be an avoidance of shame, but I think you need to sit the family down. And if you're not telling your sister, does she already know? Like, we might want to check her papers, too. What's going on? Have you seen a tangible birth certificate? First of all, let's just see a family photo. Does anybody look alike? We may be cracking a paternity case that we didn't even see coming. Next time you see your dad, pluck a little hair from the back of his neck. Smell it. Does it smell familiar? Because if it doesn't, we might want to get Maury Povich involved in this. And I'm joking, but I'm also not okay. I knew somebody who went to go get blood work done. And they got their blood work back and they found out their blood type and then realized that they did not have the same correlating blood with their parents. Like this person's blood type, there's no way that they could have come from their parents with that blood type type. You know, like a, two negatives make a negative, but a positive and a negative make a negative, make a positive, but two positives make a pot. You know what I'm saying? If you're a B, you can't be O and then plus and be negative. I'm giving you random facts right now. But all I know is I have, I know somebody directly who found out through a blood test that mama ain't mama didn't affect their relationship. Which is like, okay, well, what am I going to do? So I do think that we have some follow up questions. But if this was because they wanted you to have a better advantage at gymnastics or softball or travel soccer, then I just want you to know, dude, that's some fucking hardcore shit. And maybe we should honor your parents and say they just want you to have a leg up, a leg up with the sports. Now my entire life, people have thought I was older than I was. Was. So I, I was never even. I couldn't even lie. If my parents said that there was a birth certificate that they plastered on the side of a station wagon that said this bitch was born in 95, no one would believe it. I'm an 87 baby and people think I was somehow popped out in the 70s. I just give off an air of, I've lived a couple lives. And I don't get why, why it's not just being an old soul. But I do sometimes believe that I was a cat around Cleopatra, kind of getting stuck at the bottom of her skirt somewhere in Egypt, sunbathing, just hearing all the tea from the Pharaohs. You know what I mean? That's all I'm saying. I mean, when I was six, I would answer the phone, McMahon residence. This is Heather speaking, speaking. I would answer the phone like that. McMahon Residences, Heather speaking. Who may I connect you with? Swear to God, ask any of my friend's parents. They were like, you were the weirdest kid. I wanted to be a call girl. And that's, that's obviously not what a call girl is, but I thought that like phone operating, like if you call. I wanted to be a receptionist. I thought that was the coolest fucking gig together. But I would call it a call girl. I also called being a teenager, I, I would say That I would, I would love a job as a teeny girl because I thought being a teenager, Allah Cher Horowitz from Clueless was a full time gig. And I'm like, this is awesome. You're telling me you get a white jeep, matching set outfits and you can run around and go to the mall if. Sign me up. Hello. Sign me up. So I've had the opposite problem where people think I am much older and wiser than I am and I am not. I am barely making it through Q2 little suspect though on, on what's happening here and I definitely think we need to have a follow up conversation. Hoping for the best though. Hoping for the best. Hoping this was just sports related. God, that's a doozy. All right, let's get to the next one.
- [63:07]
B
Hi Heather, my name is Laura. I am from Ireland, but I live in Texas. I just discovered you in like January of this year and oh my God, I'm having a great time catching up on all your podcasts. So thanks. I'm gonna try to catch a show next year because I don't. I think I missed you for Texas and I have a question. So I don't have any social media so you might already share this information elsewhere and I just don't know. But I have a wedding to go to in July in Bilbo. I'm probably saying that wrong. Bilbao in Spain and one of the nights dress code is fabulous and I'm not really a fabulous kind of gal right now. I've got a pair of like khaki pants on and I'm not even a lesbian anyway so where does one get like a faux glitter dress or maybe there's feathers involved. I briefly checked online again, don't have social media. I feel like that would probably be the best place to do this research. Sorry I have to burden you with this question. So I'd love to hear where you would get a fancy fabulous dress and hopefully I get to come see you next year and thank you very much. Bye.
- [64:17]
A
This is a dream come true. I just had a real life Derry girl call me and I've never been so excited in my life. Now Derry is obviously Northern Ireland, but still she sounded like one of my Derry girls. And if you've never seen Derry Girls, it's the greatest TV show of all time time. It's about a place called Derry. You just need to watch it. Just trust me. Derry Girls is absolutely without a doubt the best show that's ever been written on television. You can find it on Netflix. There Was Four Seasons. Oh, wow. I just, I didn't expect to get that kind of call. Now dropping the accent, that's got to be a wild transition to go from Ireland to Texas and then choose to remain offline. Because, you know, when you go to a new place, at least how I gather my information and figure out, you know, get my bearings is I have to. Then I have to figure out where the fuck I'm going. The only way I get my bearings in a new place is to absolutely just dive into social media and figure it out. Like I need to get the, you know, the top 10 restaurants. I need to see some like little Twinkie influencer go around and try escargot all over Paris. And then I'm like, we gotta find Apollo. We gotta follow Rick. He knows what's happening. Like that's just how I absorb all my information and find out new things is through Twinks adventures on social media. So how are you in, out of all the places, Texas Tejas, how are you in Texas without social media? I mean, that is fucking wild. That is. Talk about rolling the dice and living on the edge. I would be on the deep depths of the dark web trying to figure out where the fuck I was. Was. But to answer your question, where do you find a fabulous dress for a wedding in Spain? Well, you're obviously. I already know you're fabulous, so you said you don't feel fabulous. That's okay. It's cuz you're in America right now and we're looking for the scientist. And you know what? No one feels fabulous when they're trying to find the scientists who have the secrets to the UFOs. That's just how that goes. So I get it. Wait a minute. What if you were invited to Taylor Swift's wedding? Hold on, hold on, hold on. Maybe this is a clue. Maybe the wedding is in. You said Balboa, Spain in July. I do think she's getting married in July. I do think she is. What if this is a. Okay, she's got. She's friends with Ed Sheeran, who's definitely probably coming to the wedding. He's probably on the list. So what if this is one of Ed Sheeran's friends who's just saying. Oh, Heather, I was just wondering. Wondering. I just moved to the United States. I've got a wedding in Balboa, Spain this summer, in July. I don't know if you know this, but Taylor Swift said she's getting married over the fourth of July. Would you like to attend? But where Do I get a fabulous dress? I'll tell you where you go. Show me your moomoo.com and you're gonna get something sick and floral and fabulous and you're gonna. It's gonna be floor length and it's gonna be gorgeous and it's gonna fit you perfectly and that's what you're gonna wear. And then I too will wear a Show me your moomoo dress and I. Fuck. I'll call Kami right now and see if we can get this bitch sponsored. Can I be your plus one? I'd love to go. Shit. Maybe this is the key that we've been looking for. This might be it, babe. This might be it. I would look at. Show me your moomoo. I would also look at this. Now this is a local department store to the south. And let me see if they have these in Texas. But if you can get your ass to a Dillard. Dillard's is a secret killer. And some of y' all that are listening don't have any idea what a fucking Dillard's is. Dillard's has the. The lighting. It has the worst lighting of any department store ever. It. The second floor is always carpeted a little too much and it's a little. The lighting is bad. But Dillard's is a secret killer. I don't know who's been doing the buying at Dillard's recently, but I've been shopping at the Dillard's. This is not sponsored. And the Dillard's is doing what the Dillard's did back in the day. The Dillard does what it needs to and it's fucking killing. I have found some good shit at the Dillards recently. Is there a Dillard's in Texas? We're just going to look this up and I don't know where you are. Have 55 locations in the U.S. they've got one in Houston, Dallas, San Antonio. Get your ass to A Delards and you're going to be good to go. And maybe if you are in Houston, start sniffing around NASA. Let us know if you can find the science. But I, I am obviously wildly loyal to Cammie because she has dressed me for everything. But I also buy all of my fab fun shit for weddings at Show Me and Mumu. They just have really fun patterns and prints and I think it's a good price point and you can get something really fabulous. And also you're going to Spain. You need to hide, sweat. A Spanish wedding in July. You're gonna be Whew. Pack the mega babe. Pack the baby pack powder. Tit's gonna be wet. They're gonna be moist. But I wonder if Ed Sheeran put you up to this. I want. Let me know. Will you call back? I need to know. Oh, man, I love a little breadcrumb, and I love that I am trying to regulate my brain. Like, this is unhealthy. This is mental illness. And I'm thinking that she's leaving me breadcrumbs to some sort of invite to a wedding of a person I've never met. And, like, a newer fan, too. She's like, that's the one. That's the one who I'm inviting now. I didn't get the invite. I didn't get it yet, guys, but apparently Andrew Tate did. I did not get it, and I'm upset about that. All right, let's get to one last voicemail.
- [70:01]
B
Hi, Heather. I'm calling in from Columbia, Missouri, and I go to the University of Missouri. Go Tigers. But I have an absolutely not and an absolute for you. First off, absolutely not to frat coolers. Now, if you don't know what a frat cooler is, go ahead, look it up on your tick tocks. But basically, I was invited to a frat formal in Nashville, Tennessee, and it's like, SEC tradition when you get invited to one of these, you're supposed to paint that blood cooler because, like, he's paying for everything. So I go from my local Walmart, I get me an igloo cooler, and I'm painting this thing. And it ain't like, oh, I'll paint this side blue. I'll paint this side red. No, no, I'm over here painting, like, a DJ board, a NASCAR. Like, it took me nearly 40 hours to finish painting this damn thing. And time is money, and I'm spending all my time on painting this cooler. Why can't I, like, pick you up left or something, boy? And he don't even drink, and you're supposed to, like, fill it with beer. So I'm like, what do I put in it? Like, Kool Aid? You want a Red Bull or something? Anyway, anywho, Absolutely yes to frat formals, though. That was so much fun. You're telling me I get to go on a free trip to Nashville? I don't have to pay a dime or a dollar on my travel, my hotel, my drink, my food, all of it free. So much fun. And that's all I got for you today, girl. Let me know your thoughts. I hope you have the Best day ever.
- [71:23]
A
Love you, my queen. I love that you're calling me from Missouri. Okay, so here's the thing. I got to be honest with you. I think that I'm hip with the times, but I did not know about these coolers. Now I have. I've slowly, slow, started to see this roll out on social media. But I did that. We didn't do that when I was at the University of Mississippi. Honey, the only way you repaid a man for taking you to a formal down in New Orleans is you gave him a hand job. I don't know why y' all are doing arts and crafts. I think this does tap into a healthier, more emotionally regulated generation where they're like, we have boundaries and consent. Because our generation didn't know what that was. It was like, okay, so you're going to take me to Pat, we're going to have a bunch of hand grenades, and I'm just going to probably give you a blowjob in my dress from Dellards. Like, that's how we dealt with formals, honey. I remember one time I went to a formal down in New Orleans. And we get to the hotel, they had just had a light hurricane, okay? Because remember, I lived through Katrina, but they had a light hurricane. So they just lost power this one weekend. And we're down there and we're all sweating, and the. The hotel had no power. So none of the girls could get ready because we rode the party bus all the way down to New Orleans. And we were all wearing our Nike shoes and our big oversized, like Kappa Sig or Sigma Chi or, you know, fat out T shirt over it. And I ended up going out and out on Bourbon street, and I was just in my fucking Nike shorts and my T shirt and my New Balance sneakers and I was smoking cigarettes, drinking hand grenades. And I looked at my date and I go, I haven't even showered. I'm not touching you. And you stink to high heaven. And you've been doing skull, that dip. You know, they used to do that dip where they'd spit in the cup. And I said, I'm not touching you. Good luck. I went to one formal, and the guy got so drunk, and he was a friend. I ended up getting my own hotel room because I wasn't putting up with it. I said, no, there will be no fornicating or no funny business. I have, you know, enough respect for him and myself. And I got another hotel room. And you know what happened at that formal? All the other girls who had terrible dates ended up Getting ready in my hotel room. And we all crashed together. We just all pretended that we were all so hammered that we ended up like sleeping in the lobby of the hotel. I had a form secret hotel room because I called my daddy and I said, daddy, I need a hotel room set. And he said, baby girl, put it on the mx. Thank you, God, Kyle. Thank you, God. And Kyle, I need you to know you left me with your wife who's making me chase out birds and fix the Internet. Thanks a lot for dying on me, sucker. Because I missed those days of you just fixing it. Fuck. But this whole idea that you're painting water coolers, you gotta go to the Walmart and give this man a craft. Now. I love that he's not drinking. Good for him. Him. You know, he's the only one who's not going to be in a bad attitude on Sunday because he's not going to be hungover. Very mature of him. But you could throw some spindrifts in there and maybe some Red Bulls. I mean, I don't know what his. What he's into, but I think if the guy's not drinking, you're not making him a cooler. My God. And since when did the women provide the alcohol? That's another thing. If I'm getting taken on a formal, I'm also not buying drinks. It was customary before the formal. On the Thursday, if you left on a Friday, your date would call you and say, hey, you want a bottle of blueberry Stoli vodka? You think that can last you the whole weekend? You're like, hell yeah, brother. And then he would put that in his cooler. That was not painted. It just said Mark on the side in Sharpie. And that's what you did. And y' all made drinks in your hotel room and then you went to Pat O's. And I think I did put a couple hand grenades and rum runners and $1 martinis from the Commander's palace on my daddy's credit card. But other than that, they were taking care of everything. Everything. I'll never forget one year we went. One of my best friends and I were on the same formal and she was went with a friend. She was loosely dating the guy. And the poor guy had literally no money. He was so hot, but he had no money. And she was like texting me at dinner. She's like, hey, I know you're at the restaurant next door. Can you put some rolls in in your purse? Because I'm not allowed to order any food. Poor guy was like, hey, we can't eat at this restaurant. And she's like, I'm starving. And so I had to feed, I was, like, taking a steak to go to feed the other friend. I mean, we were hon. All really surviving on formals, and I don't know why we acted like they were all so much fun, because the entire time, we either had to get an extra hotel room, there was no electricity, the power was out. These guys were sweaty. Like, did we really have a great time? I hated the guys. I, I, I think I thought I was dating one of them, but I wasn't. Maybe it wasn't as fun as we thought it was. Now I know the sorority formals were a blast because it was a day trip. You went up to Memphis, had a party at the Memphis Zoo and got your ass back, and you were sleeping in your own bed. That was you. Wasn't any of this awkwardness of, like, having to stay at a Holiday Inn on Bourbon street with the man who dipped tobacco, you know? But I love that at least your generation has said, hey, you, you, you know, that I guess it's good that you have equal parts where you want to provide a gift for them. But the gift back in our day was just a hand on the dong, and it was just a quick hand job. I was like, you good? Great. Which is also not healthy or good. But look at how y' all have matured, you know, and this is also great. This is also great. We're learning how to stand up for ourselves, how to have emotional regulation. But I do think it is nice, you know, especially if your date doesn't drink. I will say it is nice that you're still making him feel like one of the guys, but don't, don't lose sleep over it. If you're putting 40 hours and you're missing work, honey, get it. Spray paint a stencil on there. Haven't we ever heard of stencils? Put a couple dragons on the side of it and a unicorn and be like, just put fucking Tyler at the bottom and call it a day. And pack that bad boy with some Red Bulls and say, good luck to you. I mean, maybe ask him, be like, would you rather the cooler or a hand job? Willing to do both, but the hand job seems a lot, lot quicker. You tell me. You tell me. All right, guys, I hope that you're having a great week, and hopefully we're going to move through, you know, the next couple weeks with grace and ease and obviously, you know, with our heads on straight. Hopefully there's no loose birds in the house, and hopefully you can make it to the end of the school year and get through what you need to get through. Because I know that we are all feeling the pinch right now. But we're going to get there. We're going to do it. The weather is warming up. The sun is upon us. And remember, at the end of the day, we all have each other. I love you. I mean it. I'll see you on the next episode. Ciao bella. A river dirty. Bye, Tiramisu bitch. Thanks so much for listening to today's episode. Don't forget to subscribe, rate us and leave a review. And as always, follow me on Instagram at heatherkmcmahon. See you guys soon.
- [78:18]
B
I can hear it instantly.