Spring Buys and Cutting Ties

Summary

Add to Cart with Kulap Vilaysack & SuChin Pak

Episode: Spring Buys and Cutting Ties
Date: May 1, 2026

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Episode Overview

In this episode, Kulap and SuChin settle into spring with reflections on new purchases and parental challenges. The duo, celebrating Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month, oscillate between playful banter about retail finds and vulnerable discussions about family relationships—specifically, the difficult reality of caring for aging parents. Filled with signature wit, tangents, heartfelt affirmations, and candid truth, it’s a quintessential “Add to Cart” mix of product talk and processing life's emotional cart.

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Celebrating AAPI Heritage Month & Auntie Swagger

[03:00–04:00]

• The episode kicks off with laughter and a recognition of Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month.
• The “Super Asians” riff:

  “Super Asians in the sense of... super in the sense of ain't no mistaken, we Asian.” — Kulap [03:09]
  "23 and me Asians—we're building the AI robots. A as in Asian. Asian intelligence." — SuChin [03:26]

• Early self-deprecating jokes about intelligence upgrades, system updates, and personalized cultural altars.
• Exchange about a quirky, intimate gift (a wooden tomato with a hidden, risqué surprise from SuChin to Kulap) from a Mexico City trip:

  “I sat down in that gift shop and I said, let me go through all the fruits... I opened up that little tamat, and there you were.” — SuChin [05:07–05:49]

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Shifting Into Spring: Spending Resurgence

[06:25–08:10]

• Kulap reflects on her post-winter thaw—going from shopping austerity to temptation:

  “The austerity that I once had in the winter when it came to battening down the hatches to not shopping, that has melted away, much like winter to spring.” — Kulap [06:25]

• Exchange about getting lured in by sales emails (e.g., Gap’s 60% off).

  “Try to even in the subject line. You're like 60% off. I'm like, erase, erase. Not interested. These days. I've been got good. Lately. I've been got good.” — Kulap [07:46]

• SuChin admits to a brief “toe dip” back into spending before an existential “spider in the ear” crisis (a callback to a previous episode).

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Spider in the Ear Saga: Listener Updates

[08:10–11:15]

• Updates from listeners about insects/critters in ears, including hot tips for dealing with it (“empty a bottle of oil in his ear”) and commiseration via DMs.
• Both laugh about their defining “Carter” life events—affirming that misadventures and little traumas unite the community.

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Memorable Affirmations (and Jay Shetty Shade)

[11:41–12:40]

• SuChin jokes about her nightly affirmations, which involve wishing for ex-boyfriends to realize she was the one who got away:

  “I hope this person... feels in the depths of their searing soul that I was the one that got away. And that their life is devoid of taste, color and soft winds.” — SuChin [11:55]

• Joking reference to wellness influencer Jay Shetty:

  “Jay Shetty, that baby, that small swaddled child... I look into his youthful, embryonic face and I say, but what turns have you made around Saturn's rings? Not many. Not as many as we have.” — SuChin [12:40]

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The Carts: Spring Shopping Spree

[16:58–34:28]

Jellycat Spinner Display Stand

• Kulap describes her journey organizing her daughter Emmy’s plushie keychains with a “jellycat spinner display stand” found on Etsy, complete with a croissant topper for Emmy:

  “You can put him on a desk... Like a wheel. And then on each spoke you put one of these keychain. And then I suppose you could spin it.” — SuChin [20:19–20:43] “It was add to cart. Let's go. And it arrived so quickly, so easy to put together.” — Kulap [23:23]

Off Market Haul: WRAY Dress & Seychelles Flats

• Kulap shops a sale at Off Market. Picks:
  • WRAY Rachel Dress: “Crimson satin, baby doll, v-neck, flirty... $45 (claimed MSRP $295).” [25:48–26:58]
  • Seychelles Mary Jane Flat: “Darling, black, thick-strap, grommet style—so comfortable, easy, chic. $68.” [28:28–29:16]
• Both admit to the “add an extra item to reach free shipping” syndrome.

Quince Cotton Poplin Maxi Dress

• Kulap:

  “Purchased the organic cotton poplin tiered maxi dress. Of course. It's in my colors... mocha, midi dot, adorable... $69.90.” [33:24–34:28]

  • Kulap declares, “With these tits... I will be seen. That's the right and the left talking.” [34:01]

Kids’ Clothing & Swimwear

• Replenishing Emmy’s summer wardrobe: Gap sale, Quince swimsuits, and reflections on the “swim to Bill” intensive swimming lessons and tantrums.
• Both discuss differences in their children’s personalities and swimming/biking learning curves. [35:55–39:55]

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Representation & Reflections on Parenting

[40:46–46:49]

• Celebration of contemporary Asian/Weijan (mixed Asian) representation in pop culture—especially Lev’s latest music video packed with Asian icons.

• Deep dives on how their children’s experiences are “not even in the same dimension” as their own upbringings:

  “I look and I think, my God, your experience, your life is so completely not even in the same dimension as the one that I grew up in.” — SuChin [42:31]

• They toggle between pride, disbelief, and the emotional negotiation of being “a kid and a parent at once.”

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Removing & Adding to Cart: Caring for Aging Parents

[50:14–71:18]

The Sandwich/Pressure Cooker Generation

• SuChin opens up about the emotional and physical labor of caring for aging parents, especially without a loving foundation:

  “How do you take care of an aging parent that you don't have a great relationship with and, bottom line, that you don't like very much?” — SuChin [52:19]

• The “macro” (gratitude, privilege) vs “micro” (everyday abrasion) perspective of caregiving:

  “In the nitty gritty—cleaning toilets, shopping for diapers, fighting over food and hydration—you're like... you can't win.” — Kulap [53:19]

• Kulap shares about her mother’s self-constructed isolation and mutual difficulties in maintaining a relationship.

• Reaffirmation that this stage of life is about separation, not just connection.

  “Separating our paths from our parents’ paths is the final stage of the parent-child relationship.” — SuChin [60:25]

• Both stress how this is largely unmodeled and unspoken:

  “Once again you're having to figure it out yourself... this is, I guess, our karma.” — Kulap [72:28]

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Notable Quotes

• “You're a two-dimensional person walking in a one-dimensional life. Good night.” — SuChin Pak on (ex) affirmations [12:24]
• “The cups move fast for me. Keep your eyes out.” — SuChin, about shopping temptations [30:24]
• “You can't judge a building by the foundation. You don't know what it's gonna feel like, smell like, taste like.” — SuChin, on personal change and confusion [31:08]
• "You shall not move me until I wish to be moved. And when I decide to move, they call it like the rush of God. It cannot be stopped. But until then, good luck." — Kulap, on Taurus kids [39:59]
• “That is so much of the immigrant experience, this role reversal...6, 7, translated, been on the phone with the utility company, the insurance company...that is part of this experience.” — SuChin [70:06]
• “That's a dangerous place to be... eventually it will, like, snuff the light out." — SuChin, on enmeshment and burnout [69:04]

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Takeaways and Tone

• The episode blends shopping confessions, cultural celebration, and heavy real talk without losing its affectionate, irreverent “auntie” humor.
• Kulap and SuChin reaffirm their bond as friends, mothers, and daughters—and as anchors for listeners swimming in similar, sometimes tumultuous, generational tides.
• The segment on caregiving stands out for its honesty, providing rare validation for those for whom “it’s not a privilege, it’s a grind.”
• Curtain close: affirmation, commiseration, and permission to carve one’s own boundary-filled path—even when it’s uphill and barefoot.

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Segment Timestamps

• AAPI Heritage & Asian Intelligence Bits: [03:00–04:10]
• Kulap’s Spending Switch: [06:25–08:10]
• Listener Spiders in Ear Updates: [08:10–11:15]
• Affirmations/Jay Shetty Shade: [11:41–12:40]
• Main Cart Segment (Kulap’s Purchases): [16:58–34:28]
• Parenting, Representation, and Therapy: [40:46–46:49]
• Caring for Aging Parents—Remove/Add to Cart: [50:14–71:18]
• Final Affirmations and Wrap Up: [72:28–73:40]

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For photos of items mentioned or to connect further, follow them on Instagram @AddToCartPod.

Transcript

[A]

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[B]

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[C]

You forgot your bling Bling. Wait. Welcome to another episode of Add to Cart. I'm your Auntie Cool Op Vilasak.

[B]

And I'm your other auntie, Sujin Park.

[C]

Is it.

[B]

I mean, it's officially spring, but I feel like, when does spring start? Is it today? Is it May 1st when our Carters are listening to this?

[C]

No, I thought it was April. Yeah. Am I Out of my mind.

[B]

We are full in. We can now. We can slide straight into the one month we get out of the year.

[C]

Of course you're talking about Asian America. Pacific Islander Heritage Month.

[B]

Epiphany. Happy Asian days.

[C]

You got us. It's. It's us. It's us.

[B]

It's us. It's us fully formed. Still here.

[C]

Super Asians in the sense of. Super in the sense of ain't no mistaken, we Asian.

[B]

I was wondering where you going with that.

[C]

Ain't no mist. No one's gonna dispute that on the record. Asians.

[B]

I see where we're starting.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

23 and me Asians, we're building the AI robots. A as in Asian. Asian intelligence.

[C]

Intelligence, question mark.

[B]

I know, exclamation point. Robots.

[C]

Really?

[B]

Yeah, we're building it.

[C]

Wait, are you saying that AI is gonna be trained by our podcast to be like us?

[B]

No, no, no, no. What I'm saying is you and I, our Asian intelligence, human beings being built from the ground up here, right now, in this moment, in the year of 2026, our Lord Jesus Christ.

[C]

I already need an update. Need a systems update. Then where do I request that?

[B]

Well, we'll get to that. Those things you just request, as you know. Where is your altar? Give me a north, south, east, west. To what You're. Where you're sitting.

[C]

Where is your right? To my left.

[B]

To your left. Okay. You. You look to your altar, and you light all the things that are on there.

[C]

Light it all on fire.

[B]

You light it all on fire. You rub whatever you need to.

[C]

Rub oils upon my body. Is that what. What's happening?

[B]

I don't. Because I don't know. Everybody's alter. Everybody's rich.

[C]

It's personalized.

[B]

I can't tell you what your rubbing oils on.

[C]

Well, I'll tell you that I have a few gifts from such and Pak on my altar. One of them being in her travels, she thought, you know what? Here's a wooden tomato that when you remove the tomato and you lift it up, there's two people having intercourse. She said, that's my cool off. That's on my altar.

[B]

I had to open a lot of vegetables to get the correct coloring and position that I felt was going to be true to my coup. I sat down in that gift shop and I said, let me go through all the fruits.

[C]

Let me roll up my sleeves and

[B]

vegetables, see all the positions, see all the hair colors.

[C]

Learn something.

[B]

See all the facial expressions. Is it joy? Is it vigor?

[C]

Yes, but you found some figures in coitus. That were great, but you're like, wrong vegetable. She needs a tomato.

[B]

Do you understand how hard I was? Like, I.

[C]

It.

[B]

It may not be here. She may not be here. And I opened up that little tamat. There you were.

[C]

Where. Where is it from again?

[B]

In Mexico City.

[C]

Yeah, of course. Thank you.

[B]

Yeah. Gorgeous little. Little store.

[C]

The trip with Zoe or the ones with your girlfriend?

[B]

No. Girlfriends.

[C]

That makes more sense. Sorry. Yes, I. Sorry.

[B]

Different energies. Yeah, different energies. Different energies, different goals and different people.

[C]

Thank you for that.

[B]

Yeah, thank you. Anywho, so we swing into our carts.

[C]

Let's swing into our carts. Let's speak on this part. Because I think it hit you earlier than it hit me. The austerity that I once had in the winter when it came to battening down the hatches to not shopping, that has melted away, much like winter to spring. Punxsutani Phil has. He popped out. He popped out and said, winter's over. And I still was like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You hedgehog. Right? It's a hedgehog. It's not a beaver.

[B]

It's a hedgehog.

[C]

You hedgehog. You hedgehog.

[B]

No, it's a groundhog.

[C]

It's a groundhog. I was gonna not get it. Thank you for that. That's a groundhog. And I said, no, no, no. I'm still waiting. I'm not buying.

[B]

Boy, oh, boy. Your top button. Well, we are wearing a securely clasped deep V. What? Oh, my God. You went from top military button to a slutty V. Loose, gaping V. What?

[C]

Sue, I'm looking. I'm buying. Before three months ago. Go ahead, try to send me an email. I'm not even reading it.

[B]

Bowdoin.

[C]

Try to even in the subject line. You're like 60% off. I'm like, erase, erase. Not interested. These days. I've been got good. I've been got good Lately. I've been got good.

[B]

But I can't wait. I have to live through your list. Cause I'm a little. I'm still.

[C]

Oh, I thought you had returned. I thought you had returned to the purchase.

[B]

I came back for a minute, I dipped my toe, and then I had an. You know, just an existential crisis. Some would call it a spider.

[C]

Yes.

[B]

If you're.

[C]

If you are unaware of what she's speaking of, get back onto our feed and look up the episode titled the Worst Thing has Happened. Quick update. Have you listened to the universe and have you relaxed?

[B]

Okay, let me give you another update, because the answer to those questions are very Disappointing. But an update to that episode are the DMS and the messages that we got in our Add to CART account, as well as my personal two I want to shout out. One is a lovely Carter who told us a tale of this happening to her husband and that they did a quick Google search and just emptied a bottle of oil in his ear. And the critter didn't jump out, but I think died.

[C]

It died. Yeah.

[B]

So that's a hot tip.

[C]

It's, I think, harder to jump out from oil. It's just the viscosity, I'd imagine.

[B]

I mean, when we got that dm, you forwarded it to me and I said I was trying to think in that moment all day of that thing in my ear, thinking, you know what, let's pour a bottle of olive oil in my ear. It's not as bad as the thought, obviously, of a living thing trying to scratch its way out of your ear, but that's a hard one to swallow too. But they did it. That was a hot tip. And then I personally got a message from another lovely Carter, and she said that this also happened. Her husband, I don't know, was hiking or biking or something like that. Or something. I'm just saying that, like, I knew that we would get some.

[C]

But it's tough that it's all husbands, though, huh? It's tough.

[B]

Well, that stings a little on my behind.

[C]

A little bit. Like a sting's like a spider in your ear.

[B]

Yeah. Anywho. So back to the carts, which is. Yeah, like, you know, but life is waves and tumbles. I know that my time, my shedding will come. Sure.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so I'm excited because perhaps your shedding will whet my tongue.

[C]

As long as I've known you, this is a prolonged valley. Correct. As long as I've known you, though, you've never had an instinct in your ear. So there's. Again, that's the reality of our circumstances. It just. I'm just noting it for. For those who are keeping track, who are invested.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

You know, just saying it out loud. Yep. For the Wikipedia.

[B]

Yeah. Do you think that's gonna be a footnote?

[C]

Only history will show? I mean, time must pass.

[B]

What an amazing turn of events. I hope an ex boyfriend who wronged me is googling me, looks at my Wikipedia and sees that and just knows that that was also his fault.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know that, that karma.

[C]

You were the one that got away. Sorry.

[B]

Well, obviously, am I the only one that goes to sleep with that? You know how, like, they're always like, you know when you go to bed at night and when you get up, you do your affirmations. Yeah.

[C]

What do you do?

[B]

Yeah, that's one of my affirmations is Lord, I lay me down to sleep and I hope this person, this person, this person feels in the depths of their searing soul that I was the one that got away. And that their life is devoid of taste, color and soft winds.

[C]

Funk.

[B]

Oh, yeah. And a funk like, just like zest.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

Yeah. That you're a two dimensional person walking in a one dimensional life. Good night.

[C]

Yeah. This is the first time I've heard of this affirmation. Specifically, most people don't speak about that. I don't think Jay Shetty is talking about this.

[B]

Jay Shetty, that baby, that small swaddled child. I mean, I love him. I listen to him, I note it, but I look into his youthful, fresh, embryonic face and I say, but what turns have you made around Saturn's rings? Not many. Not as many as we have. So, you know, I'm always on the hunt for a great vintage. Find a gem at a great price. And now there's a new way to do this. And if you love the thrill of the hunt, this is going to be your next obsession. Whatnot is a live shopping app, as in you're watching real sellers show you exactly what they have up close in real time. No guessing from a tiny thumbnail. The sellers on here genuinely curate their items. And that comes through. I picked up the most beautiful vintage jacket last week. A structured bag I've already worn three times and a couple of pieces I know I'll have forever. And the best part, my entire haul came in well under 150 bucks. That's the thing about whatnot. The deals are real. The fines are the kind you brag about. And there's something weirdly satisfying about watching live and snagging something before it's gone. It scratches every itch I have as a Carter. Fashion vintage accessories. It's all there and it moves fast. Download the whatnot app today and get free shipping on your first order. Just search wh a t n o t whatnot in the app store and start scoring amazing deals. Can we talk about the mortgage payment for just a second? It's an important milestone many of us have achieved or are aspiring to achieve. But no matter where you are in life, it can feel like a hit to your bank account every month. Now, what if I told you that this payment can actually start working for you? Enter, built, enter Built is the membership for where you live. It started by rewarding renters on their rent payments and now, as of 2026, built members can also earn points on mortgage payments. Every single housing payment earns you points you can put toward flights, hotels, those random midnight online purchases. You get it. For me, nothing gives me more satisfaction than the thought that my next hotel room in Paris is going to be paid by my mortgage. All those points I'm racking up for pay comments I'm already making. No more showering under the stairs for me. Join the membership for where you live at joinbuilt.com add to cart that's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T.com add to cart make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you.

[C]

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[B]

Let's do it.

[C]

And would you like me to begin?

[B]

Of course. I want everything in your cart. I want it. I want a deluge. I want it to baptize me clean. And hopefully at the end of this, I will have got my appetite back.

[C]

You know, or it continues on because you're living vicariously through me.

[B]

Correct. I win. Win. Either way, as you know, I love it. As you know, it is no small coincidence that every single person in my Life that I hold dear is the biggest shopper that I know. Because I both gain from your cart and it's my cart and it's our cart.

[C]

So I feel the way the same way about you. I really. I mean, that's you to me. Also, you're a good person, but that's not what we're talking about right now.

[B]

Irrelevant.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. And also, you're very attractive still. Icon.

[B]

Some would say in some wiki circles that I am also like an urban myth icon.

[C]

Like a yeti?

[B]

No. Yeah, exactly. Much like the yeti. Much like all of these urban myths you hear that you can't believe are true. I am here to tell you that you can get a living thing in your ear and it can lay eggs and you can be a host.

[C]

Slugged in. Yeah, it's tough because you are known as being a host and then you found.

[B]

I turned that right around.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. Different.

[B]

Really different. Play on words.

[C]

Yeah, yeah. That's tough for you. That's a real black mirror situation.

[B]

A real toughy.

[C]

But where was I?

[B]

Ah, yes.

[C]

My cart. My cart. Sue, earlier you talked about Saturn and you talked about spinning. And when referring to Jay Shetty, that's a perfect way to get into my first item, which is a jelly cat style, which means, of course, this is unauthorized and from Etsy. Spinner display stand for keychains. Now hit that link. Sujinpak. You recall the Labubus?

[B]

Oh, no.

[C]

We have moved on as a family.

[B]

Sure do.

[C]

I have regrets. Not about the huge one that I'm looking at right now. I love him, he's massive. But the little ones, I have too many of them. I was caught up. It was a moment in time. But now we have all of these Labubus. And not just Labubus, of course. Other wares from popmart, we have crybabies. We have the popmart collab with Disney. There's just random plushie keychains that we have. And I got this sort of display stand to put in Emmy's room for hers. I still have Labubus in a case in my closet. I guess I'll leave them there. I don't know what to tell you. No one's gonna buy them for me. They are just space garbage. They're simply space garbage. What do you see? Are you into this? It's a gift for jellycat fans, jelly cat collectors.

[B]

It is a jelly cat spinner display stand for keychains. You can put him on a desk. It's hard to describe when you see it it's very obvious. It's a stand and it's got little. Little spokes coming out of it like a wheel. And then on each spoke, you put one of these keychain. And then I suppose you could spin it.

[C]

You absolutely could spin.

[B]

You can see the collection. So I want to know where this is going.

[C]

This is in Emmy's room on her dresser. Okay. No baby has gotten so big and grown. Gone is the diaper changing piece that was on. And now we've got this. We've got some storage space.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

And so this is right on the corner. So she's able to get at it because she's tall. Af. The other day I opened the door and I find her on top of it. She. She climbed up it. She used the handles as just grips. And she climbed up in. So what a surprise to open the door, see her atop a large piece of furniture. And she's like, I had to get band Aids. And I was like, you could get them from the ground. All right, all right. Can we talk about you not doing that when I'm not around? So anyways, I digress. So it's there. Her favorite thing to eat is a croissant, which she calls a croissant. And so that's available to us. So I got the topper, which. That's the piece that looks very jellycat.

[B]

Like now, when. When I see something like this, I always ask the same question. How did we get here? Because jelly cat spinner. Well, it's now to those listening now. It's in our lexicon. But before that, I assure you, 99% of the people listening had never heard that, including myself.

[C]

You're asking how I went on Etsy. What are the words that I'm using to get us to hear.

[B]

Yes, yes. Cause you said she's got a lot of these things. I need a way for them to be displayed. You know, it can be whimsical. Just something other than them sitting in a box.

[C]

Yeah, In a box, in a pile, in a basket. I think I wrote like. I must. Wrote like plushie keychain display. I must have done that.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Or something like that.

[B]

Okay.

[C]

Which led me to.

[B]

Because this is the Etsy magic.

[C]

This is the Etsy magic.

[B]

Yeah. That's the thing about Etsy is, is that you. When you see the thing, it's not a cerebral response. It's a soul reflection. It's like, oh, yeah. It's not like other kinds of search engines.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

Where you're like, well, maybe I Could find it bigger, thinner, cheaper material wise. No. When you see a croissant top, jelly cat spinner, it's your soul reflecting back yourself. And that's it. And it's a quick buy.

[C]

It's such a quick buy. It was add to cart. Let's go. And it arrived so quickly, so easy to put together.

[B]

And now she's spinning.

[C]

Now she's spinning and now it's adorable. Of course I'll have pictures. That one's for Emmy. And a lot of things are like, what? I need a solution for this. Yeah, I need a solution. Part of it was, I think too is that I had put a bunch on her diaper bag, but it's no diapers anymore. But the bag that we take around whenever we go places. And it, it was weighed down by plushie keychains. It had been excessive and sometimes would drag on the floor if you were holding it a certain way. I was like, okay, that's enough, that's enough. We need to move on from this. So there was that process too. I'm like, there's a lot of plushie keychains, no keys. So let's put them somewhere. Yeah, okay, so let's move on to me. Thanks. Enough with Emmy. Although I just got a big stack of clothes on sale from Gap. Adorable stuff. Not worth mentioning now because you know, it was like I totally fully. I got an email. 60 off.

[B]

Yes, I got that email as well.

[C]

Here I go.

[B]

Yeah, only interested in the sale on a 60 and. And by Gap we mean all of the properties. Sure. The old navies, Banana Republic, all of that. Yeah, it's called inventory sale.

[C]

That's right.

[B]

They just gotta. And so if you need something, they need to move products and they do it a few times a year and you know when you get the call and that's it, you need to move in, you respond, you respond.

[C]

I have gone to an online store that yourself and young Tiffany told me about. I've made a return to off market. Soojin Pak. They send me emails all the time. Sometimes I bite. It's been a long time. Yeah, quite like very long time. Like maybe a year since I've purchased from off market. Here I am. I get pulled in by Ray, the brand Ray. Never heard of it.

[B]

W R A R. I've heard of it. So cute.

[C]

I don't know, I don't know. But I was like, let me see, let me see. Let me just look. Let me search for my size. Then what's available? Okay, well that's cute. So I Got the Ray Rachel dress. What?

[B]

I mean, it's so cute. Have you gotten it? Have you tried it on? It's definitely your color. Okay, let me tell what people what it is. It's the Rachel dress by the brand W R A Y Ray on off market O F F E. And let's see. It's. It's almost like a crimson kind of satin above the name Baby Doll V

[C]

V with a almost sleeve ruffle hem. This is a sustainably chic and reconstructed in New York. It's a mini dress. It's upcycled. Let's see, what else do they say about it? It's flirty, you know, it's a tiered silhouette, effortless movement. And I feel like you can dress it up, dress it down. And I was like, why not? Why not? And it was $45. They claim that it was once $2.95. And if you're doing the math, that's. You're saying that's 85% off, you know, hey, yeah, I tried it on.

[B]

I need to see your tattoos and your TA. TA's in this first.

[C]

You will, and so will our listener. That is my promise to you. Then I was like, I'm on the site. You know, what else is going on? What do you. You got me, you know, I got a drink from the bar. So I'm gonna make my. I'm gonna walk around. So then I think I just started looking for shoes. And I'm always looking for a knee high boot. And I can't tell you that I've. I've purchased a knee high boot. I have some knee highs. You see me in one. But I'm looking for a not too high, knee high, knee high boot at all times. At all times. One that you would have walked around in New York with such a. If that gives you any idea.

[B]

Yeah, but like not a knee high. But you want it to be like calf. You don't want. Not an ankle boot.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Calf or calf?

[C]

Knee high. Yeah. Calf or knee high. And I'll even.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

No, it's not realistic. I'll probably toy and put in my cart in a above the knee boot. Cause I've had those before. But I probably wouldn't. Not. Not at 45. Not a 45, you know. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

It requires.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You apply for a different identity.

[C]

Yeah. So always curious if someone has a boot like that. They didn't. They didn't have one for me. But I did find these cute. Remember the brand Seychelles?

[B]

Yeah, of course.

[C]

I don't know when the last time I've purchased something from the brand Seychelles, but this again is still on off market. And I got this darling Mary Jane flat black. They've come. They're so comfortable. Easy, chic. This is who I am, babes.

[B]

Yeah, Just a baby doll dress and a Mary Jane flat skipping along.

[C]

Maybe I'll wear both of them together and take a photo.

[B]

Yeah, I see them together.

[C]

It's a thicker strap, super comfy grommet style hole. So it gives a little bit of edge. $68. Perhaps if I were to put that into the Internet, that might be the going rate for that shoe. Don't do it. Here's the other piece.

[B]

Don't do it. What had happened was is that I

[C]

bought that dress and that was not enough. Thank you.

[B]

And the shipping. Shipping. I know a shipping product. We all know everyone here. We all know how you got here. It doesn't take away from a very comfortable, cute, whimsical, gorgeous shoe. But we all know what happens.

[C]

And I don't pretend to think that I'm like a scammer because no, I know I was scammed because my initial price, the dress that I want, like, for sure I'm gonna get this is $45. And the thing that I got to make, shipping costs more. And I know that. I know that. Yes, of course I know that. But here's the other piece. I'm gonna wear both of these. And the other pieces, I'll probably wear those shoes.

[B]

More jokes on them.

[C]

I guess they're scammed and jokes on them.

[B]

Do you see how quickly the cups move? It moves fast for me. Keep your eyes out.

[C]

The ping pong ball is in all of the cups.

[B]

Yep. Well, don't give it away. Not to off market.

[C]

Now the next thing I'm gonna talk about, they are a sponsor sue, but

[B]

they're not paying us to talk about it.

[C]

That's true.

[B]

Off ad.

[C]

You're right. No, so we. We scammed them too.

[B]

They're not paying us to do this.

[C]

Wait, no, hold on.

[B]

Ping pong ball.

[C]

Hold on. I think I'm all turned about.

[B]

I said we were building from the ground up and some of it is going to not make sense right now. Yeah. Because all the pieces aren't in place. They're not all in place.

[C]

Yeah. Because I definitely don't make sense.

[B]

Yeah, you can't judge. You can't judge a building by the foundation. You don't know what it's gonna feel like, smell like, taste like.

[C]

Yeah. Cuz just. Just Where I state of mind right now to explain as such is looking at me, and I'm wearing a. I'm wearing a sweater. And it's mainly, I think, kind of because of spite, because I just haven't been able to wear any of my sweaters. It's been too hot in Southern California. So today it was high 60s. And I said, I'm gonna wear a sweater. And right now, as we record, it probably has tilted into the low 70s, and I'm too hot right now. But I want to be able to wear my clothes. Okay. I just. That's just a tough thing. I don't know how you like on a baseline program that into AI. That's why I just feel like the intelligence part.

[B]

You just did it. I think you just wrote the code, honey. I think it's in there.

[C]

Okay, I guess put that in there. Explain why I'm also wearing a handkerchief around my neck. Maybe I'll take that off now. You know what? I'll take that off now. That's just good to say. That has nothing to do with anything. That was just for a while.

[B]

The mic had blocked that. I didn't.

[C]

Because you couldn't see it.

[B]

The mic. I couldn't see it.

[C]

So that was a reveal to you. That was a reveal to you.

[B]

I guess the chokehold that scarves and handkerchiefs have on our algorithms. Who is behind this conspiracy? I don't know, but I'm in it. I'm wrapping it around my waist like a belt. I'm considering somehow learning a new knotting system to make it into a handbag.

[C]

Listening, you know?

[B]

Yeah, I'm in it.

[C]

Yeah. I saw something on my Elgo where they used it as, like, a trench belt. A scarf is a trench belt. And, like, tie it in the back a little bit so that it, like, cinches you. It's while you keep that trench open. Now, where was I? Quince. Yes, Quince, Our sponsor. Thank you for sponsoring us. I purchased the organic cotton poplin tiered maxi dress. Of course. It's in my colors.

[B]

In what pattern?

[C]

It's the brown.

[B]

Oh, the polka.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

The mocha.

[C]

Sorry.

[B]

Yes, that's right.

[C]

Mocha, midi dot. Yes.

[B]

In your palette.

[C]

In my palette.

[B]

Both dresses, by the way, two very ruffly, flirty, girly tiered tier.

[C]

Yes, it is slutty. When you look at this dress, you're like, it's not slutty, but with these tits. And they're so sweet. They have, like, a little. Like a little claspy button to kind of make the V just to suggest. Oh my gosh. It's just not even, not even a breath. It's just like pop. I will be seen. That's the voice of my tits. I will be seen. So will I. That's the right and the left talking. I wore it just this past Sunday to a co ed baby shower. Got great comments. I was comfortable chase after my daughter in it wearing sensible flats. It's a great dress. $69.90. Hedge yourself over there to the quints.

[B]

I mean again, they're sort of paying us but not paying us to say this. Agreed.

[C]

I also got a bunch of stuff for Emmy. Every year we get new swimsuits. She grows so fast. A lot of like rash guards, but super cute. So she can swim to Bill fashionably.

[B]

Ah, swim to Bill.

[C]

Do you remember?

[B]

I remember those days.

[C]

Do you remember those days? Yeah. She finally in the third go has really taken to it, the screaming. I mean, it's remarkable. It's remarkable. The last time we did it about a year ago, it's her. What swim to Bill is, is like three kids go at a time for 30 minutes. And as a parent you are to be there to show that you trust the teacher and that you're. It's safe and you're there, but you're not really side coaching in any way. It's for them to hear the teacher because from day one we're going under. That's what swimming Bill is. You're swimming to the instructor, right?

[B]

No, he like guarantees. It's like it's a very short amount of time.

[C]

Eight days. What is it like eight day intensive?

[B]

Eight days.

[C]

And Emmy is actually a very. She's really good and very, dare I say, elegant. But it. The teacher last year said the her ability to swim is matched by her complaining. So she would be at the corner after waiting her turn, screaming at me, mom, look at me. Why aren't you talking to me? I don't want to do this. And then she'd come to the corner because we have like a fence around our pool which is great because it really fences them and you know, they can't go anywhere. But she's shaking like it's jail bars. Mom, I have to pee. Everything. Everything.

[B]

She ice speed asleep.

[C]

Everything. I'm hungry.

[B]

And you're just standing there and I

[C]

just have to like, I hear you. I talk to you like it was and. But it would be every time. And last time it was like her and also Casey's daughter Frankie. And both of them doing the same Same thing. But, like, usually the first two days, that's all the kids, and then they kind of get over it. Yeah, not our girls. No, not our girls. But this last time during spring break, we've turned a corner. Sue turned a corner, thankfully.

[B]

So let's just say it took Bill a little more than eight days to get those two girls to just get with the program.

[C]

Yes. Yes, it took. Specifically for Em, it took. She learned how to swim underwater. Just that she didn't want to do it.

[B]

Yeah, didn't want to do it.

[C]

And now she. I think after this third time, she's actually enjoying herself in the water.

[B]

Right. Kai did it, and it was terrifying. I remember not being there. I remember being like, you're gonna have to do this, Mike. Because the second he gets upset, I won't be able to stop myself.

[C]

Well, it is one of the only times where you have to let them be. I allow her to be so uncomfortable.

[B]

They look so little to you?

[C]

Yes.

[B]

You know, and so we did it. He, you know, Kai's personality is very much like, if there's something wrong, he just holds it in and it's fine. You know, he doesn't like to rock the boat. He's a people pleaser, you know, all these things. And so. And so he got through it. And he's a great swimmer, as you know. Now, you know, he's a surfer. He's a water fish. But my daughter, like, when I tell you the koala grip, she never did it.

[C]

She wouldn't let go of you.

[B]

Wouldn't let go. And it's so interesting because my daughter, for so many years, never would do a lesson. I just knew. You just know your kids are, you know, their personalities. And I knew that as soon as I walked into that space and that lesson with her, I could feel it. And I was like, no, I can't. I can't do this. You know what I mean? She's so not even open to this idea. It's just not her personality. So I didn't push it. And we kept wondering, like, oh, God, is she ever going to learn how to swim? You know, because by five, Kai was doing laps, and so she both bike riding and swimming again. Kai, we got him a balance bike, and then we got training wheels, and then we got the bike. We did all of that, so. So I wanted none of it. She was like, it. Absolutely not. And we moved to Santa Barbara. We had a pool, and one day she said, okay, I'm gonna swim now. And that's also how she Rode a bike. She said, okay, I'm gonna ride a bike. No training wheels, just straight off the bat. Same thing with swimming. And that's just who she is.

[C]

So she is a Taurus, Correct?

[B]

Correct. That's right.

[C]

And that's Taurus behavior. You shall not move me until I wish to be moved. And when I decide to move, they call it like the rush of God. It cannot be stopped. But until then, good luck. I'm gonna sit here and chew my cud and grass and just take in the view. Go ahead and try. I had. That is Taurus behavior.

[B]

That cracks me up.

[C]

It's so funny. Quickly, just. Here's an ad to Q. Speaking of our Weijian children. There's pure Weijian excellence in lof. I say it wrong every time.

[B]

I can't.

[C]

I don't know how to say it every time. Time I want to.

[B]

I think there's a V. Yeah, there's a V. Love.

[C]

She's incredible. There's. There's a new video to the time of us recording. It'll be out a number of weeks when you guys hear this now, but if you haven't already seen Lev's new video, it's filled with all of the waging greats of this time. The music video is Mad Woman. Our Huddie, our Hudson. In it is in it Lola Tongue from the Summer I Turned Pretty. We've got Megan from Cat's Eye. We've got Olympic gold medalist skater Elisa Liu. And they're in this sort of mid century dream and parable, lusting after the

[B]

hottie of the moment.

[C]

I just. It really made me think, because again, our kids are wajians. Just how cool it is. Just the representation that we just never had. And we can keep talking about that, of course.

[B]

I mean, it's our month to talk about that.

[C]

It is, right?

[B]

Okay, so here's my question to you, and I think I know the answer, but I don't know if we've ever talked about it, like, for many reasons. There's so many times during the day that I, like, stop myself when I have a moment and I look and I think, my God, your experience, your life is so completely. Not even in the same dimension as the one that I grew up in. It's like, it's such a huge,

[C]

you

[B]

know what I mean, divide between what they're experiencing and seeing and then how we grew up.

[C]

It steadily comes up once a month in therapy.

[B]

Okay, interesting. So what do you.

[C]

We'll talk about. And my therapist will go, wow, it's really different from when you grew up. Like, yep, it is. Like, it really is, like, how I'm parenting all of it.

[B]

It's so different. And Kai and I are watching. We love to watch our surf videos together. This is how I bond with him as a surfer, is I watch videos of surfing.

[C]

You said. The way you said it just now is you were intimidating that you surf.

[B]

Yes, that's how I surf.

[C]

Oh, okay. Got it, got it, got it. Okay.

[B]

And so him and I were like, what should we watch? And he's like, oh, let's. I'll find a surf video. So he found this, like, cute little surf video. I don't know who this guy is. I think he's quite famous. He's a Japanese American surfer, and he was in Tokyo and showing the host all of you know his spots, and we were like, whoa, that's so cool. And see. Seeing, you know, this little cute surf town near Tokyo, I'm like, I'm gonna take you there one day. Like, this is gonna be so fun. And showing all the, like, shapers, you know, they're that are shaping these custom boards and all of this stuff. And he's going between Japanese and English and. And I'm like, kai, this is why, you know, you should learn Korean. Like, look at him. Look at this guy. He lives in two worlds. Like, it's so accessible. Everything is available to him. Like, the whole world is open to him. There's nothing out there that he can't just step into. And as I'm saying this to him, and he's just like, okay, Mom. Because it's always my pitch to try to get him into, like, Korean language tutoring. And I'm like, wow, at his age, the world was so vast.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

So foreign, so far, so inaccessible, so unavailable.

[C]

Yeah, I know.

[B]

And I see my kids and he's like, already at 13, larger than life to me. What door will ever be closed to you? And I know there will be, of course, but I'm, you know, from just the point of, like, always, we're always switching toggling between our inner child and our adult self. Right? And so, like, that inner child's like, yeah, like, you're on the COVID of the Esprit. Like, the world is your oyster. So it's just. It's crazy.

[C]

It is funny to hear because. Yes, of course.

[B]

And you.

[C]

You fought your way and worked so hard for your position, but as someone at a such and pock, you know, like a trailblazer in so many ways, like, I guess you Remember the fight?

[B]

No, but that's the adult self. Right, but you always have the nine year old version of you in there. That's true. They're always, they're in hand in hand. They're at every, she's here in every moment. So like, yes, I toggle between, yeah, you're so huge, but also like, yeah, I've also had a very big life. And then the nine year old goes, but, but no, you know, it's scary out there. Like, so it's just, it's this constant thing and so, and then on top of it, to have our kids be parented differently, be parented differently by us, but also, but that we have partners that are so different than we. You know what I'm saying? Like, there's so many layers to this.

[C]

Like, I don't give them as much credit. No, I really do, I do.

[B]

Yeah, I do. But like they're coming with totally different experiences that you and I can intellectually maybe relate to but can't on a. You know. And so it's just, it's like a lot of times I find myself like, I feel like I'm at an aquarium. That's what it sometimes feels like where I'm just like looking at crazy creatures swimming by and my mouth is just like agog anyway, so.

[C]

Yeah, yeah.

[B]

Ways in excellence.

[C]

Excellence. Let's take a quick break and then we're going to dive into. In your Cartagen.

[B]

Now, I've talked a lot about my midlife hormone journey with our carters here, and the most overwhelming thing about getting to the bottom of your energy levels, changes in mood, insomnia, anxiety, et cetera, is data. Where do we go if we want to get a comprehensive overview of what is actually happening in our bodies? And just asking that question can stop anyone in their tracks. So I'm so happy to bring you the possibility that you can get all that information yourself. With function, health, you don't have to go through a specialist or piece it together bit by bit over months or, let's be honest, years. You can see where you're at in terms of estrogen, testosterone, fertility indicators, all those hormones that regulate how you feel every day in one place. You don't have to wait until you feel terrible to start taking steps. They analyze over 160 lab tests a year so you can see exactly where your hormones stand and actually get ahead of it. Check your health the way I do. 160 plus lab tests a year for 365 bucks. Plus the ability to dive deeper into your results with functions trusted connection to platforms like ChatGPT and Claude. [e-mail] Add to cart or use gift code Add to cart 25 for a $25 credit towards your membership. Quince has been in our carts for years and they come back again and again to support this little midlife crisis show we have here. And we love them for it. But let's be honest, isn't Quint's kind of peak auntie. They offer chic, easy, high quality pieces at crazy affordable prices. They let you indulge in cashmere, organic cotton, linen, all priced at 50 to 80% less than similar brands. If that's not auntie behavior, then what is? As the days get longer and the ocean breeze get gets warmer here in my little beach town, you'll find me at the Farmer's market in my 100 European linen vest and matching wide leg pant in Bayberry Olive. I'm looking easy breezy like I stepped off my summer yacht for less than a hundred bucks. All in peak auntie behavior. Refresh your everyday with luxury you'll actually use. Head to Quince.com Add to Cart for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. Now available in Canada too. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com Add to Cart for free Shipping and 365 day returns. Quince.com Add to Cart this message is brought to you by Apple Card Apple Card is a no fee credit card that you can apply for right from the Wallet app on your iPhone, subject to credit approval. Variable APRs for Apple Card range from 17.49% to 27.74% based on creditworthiness rates as of January 1, 2026. Existing customers can view their Variable APR APR in the Wallet app [e-mail] Apple Card issued by Goldman Sachs Bank USA Salt Lake City Branch terms and more at applecard.com.

[C]

We're back on Add to Cart. I'm Auntie Cuckoo.

[B]

And I'm Monty Susu and so we just talked about parenting. Which kind of leads into the only thing I have in my cart to bring in the last last few minutes of this. It's an add to cart so remove from cart. It's something that I've talked about a lot on this show. It's something I've talked a lot about on my other podcast Plug Uncared for about this like other just like this part of my life that's so big and looms so Large. Which is taking care of my aging parents. And I know that there's so many of us in this generation of, like, raising kids, raising ourselves, trying to come into enlightenment, you know, trying to find our own way, trying to find the way for our kids, and then our parents come onto the plate.

[C]

Yeah. This was also yesterday's session with my therapist, which is the sandwich generation, where the meat.

[B]

Yeah, yeah. I mean, sandwich. But I. I would say it's more like a pressure cooker. I think someone said that to me in my other podcast.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Sandwich implies it's a real kitchen.

[C]

It's like a. That's like a casual meal. Yeah, yeah.

[B]

This is like, high under pressure, lots of heat. You can get medically burned.

[C]

Yeah, this is.

[B]

There's brazing if you handle it. Yes. So, yeah. That's so interesting that you brought this up in therapy. So please interject, because it's also, I guess, been on your mind, too. I find that there is a lot of beautiful sentiments about taking care of aging parents. You know, this romanticizing of it. And all those things are true. You know, people say it's a privilege. People say that it completes this cycle, you know, that it's spiritual, that it's all of these things. And that is true. That's some people's experience. That is not my experience.

[C]

Yep. Speak on that. Speak on that.

[B]

My experience is more like, how do you take care of an aging parent that you don't have a great relationship with and, bottom line, that you don't like very much?

[C]

Yep, that's real. That's real.

[B]

That's the real dark web.

[C]

Yeah, but it's. You have to say it.

[B]

No, you have to say it, and you have to acknowledge it.

[C]

Like, we love our parents. We have to like them.

[B]

No, because that would just be a lie. Totally. And, like, you know. Yes. On some, like, in the page of someone's journal, the cycle of life is a beautiful thing. But in, like, the nitty gritty, cleaning toilets, you know, shopping for diapers, fighting over food and hydration, you're like the.

[C]

Well, it's also tough with your parents because they both need your help and are pissed off that you're helping. They don't want to do what needs to be done, yet they. They complain. I mean, it's just like, you can't win.

[B]

No. And I do believe, like, on some level that the feeling is mutual. Now, I think as a parent that, like, deep sense of, like, this is my child, you know, will always kind of override it. Like, I think that that is a very kind of compelling in our DNA. So I don't think that they struggle so much with, do I love this person. Like, this person. Especially our parents and our. Their generation. But they don't want me over there.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, they're not thrilled when I come barging through the door either.

[C]

Okay. Right.

[B]

You know what I mean? Like, I get it. What kind of also started this was. I attended this, like, zoom, sort of, I don't know, informational thing about taking care of aging parents. And it was really helpful. And the speaker there, she. We had so many commonalities about our particular situation. And then she kind of ended with. But, you know, I always had an amazing relationship with my dad. Like, he was. He was my rock. He was the one I always called. He was the first person on the call sheet when I needed help. And that's where I was like, this

[C]

is where we differ. This is where the river diverges into toothpaste. I said, is this.

[B]

Is this thing still on? I can't hear anything. I just heard a pe. Like, you know, just like a dial tone. Because I'm like, oh, interesting. So, like, what do you do with this thing that, you know, caregiving is so, so hard for aging parents. Like, we all know that, like, the burnout. Nobody wants that job. I would say 90% of the people trained in that job don't really want that job. And then how do you hold that with, like, I don't like who you've become. I don't like who you are. And I. I don't know that we've ever really liked each other. You know, and now I'm here having to do this work, and I'm at a crossroads. Yeah.

[C]

Can you speak to the level of work you're doing and what your parents needs are?

[B]

I'm just shy of putting them in some sort of facility. So all their meals, all their showering, all their taking care of clothes, all their laundry, there's not.

[C]

So you're bathing your parents at this point?

[B]

Yeah. Like, at this point, to be safe.

[C]

You're worried about them falling?

[B]

Yeah. And if they fall, who's gonna be there?

[C]

Yeah. They're not pulling each other out?

[B]

No. They're not cooking. They're not. You know, they're not.

[C]

So when they don't. So sorry. Just to back up. So it's like them not being happy that you're there, but if you didn't go there.

[B]

Well, of course. But it's. I'm not talking about the big, like, I'm not talking about the profound big macro picture, because that I can understand and they can understand. It's the little interactions, the daily grind that all those small abrasions. Let me give you a concrete example. Okay? I bring them their meals. And, you know, I would say, okay, this is for dinner tonight, and this will be for lunch, lunch tomorrow. Okay, I'm gonna leave both of these in the fridge. This is where it is. Blah, blah, blah. Then I come back the next day, and none of it's been eaten. Now, the big macro picture is like, my daughter makes everything or is responsible for everything that I put in my mouth. Without this person, I wouldn't have food. Everybody knows we're all. Nobody is so far gone that they don't appreciate and realize that's what's happening. But in the micro level of, like, me being like, what? Why didn't you eat this?

[C]

Because I want to know why. I want to know why.

[B]

Could be anything. They're all bad answers. Oh, I wasn't hungry. Or, oh, oh, I thought. Well, I thought that that was for tomorrow.

[C]

What?

[B]

Or oh, I couldn't find it.

[C]

Huh.

[B]

It doesn't matter. That's what I'm saying. It doesn't matter. So these micro moments, and it can be anything. I mean, talk to someone. I. When on my. On the other podcast on Uncared for, we talk, like, this woman and I bonded over, like, trying to get an elderly person to drink a glass of water. Like, this is in hospitals. Like, it's not. Like, it's so universal. It's not my parents. It's like, that's a really big one. For whatever reason, Mike's father struggled with it. He was hospitalized many times for it. Yeah, I remember, like, they do not drink water. And so like, even just that of like, dad, I'm leaving this water for you and Mom. It's this one bottle. There's. What do you call it, like, a hydration tablet, you know, inside of each. Because I know it's the only, you know, water that they'll drink that day. So I want to try to maximize. And then when I come back and that water is still there, it's tough

[C]

because you're desperately and efficiently trying to keep them alive. And it feels like trying to. They could care less.

[B]

Right. And so then that's when the spiritual work begins. And I do think. I do agree that taking care of your parents. And I'll just say that specifically because I think caregiving in general is this, but specifically, so is spiritual work. That's the Only way that I can make sense of this because otherwise it just becomes like me banging my head against a brick wall and it's. It, you just burn out from it so hard. Which is kind of where I've been for the past two months. And so I've. Now I have to get through this, right? Because I. There is no other alternative. Like of course I'm going to take care of my parents. Well, of course you're going to take care of your parents. Of course you're going to worry. Of course you're going to try to do the best. But like what I think one of the things that I'm starting to see on this journey on the other side is that. But separating our paths from our parents paths is the final stage of the parent child relationship. And that's where I'm at, right? It's the final stage for them. But I'm 50. I mean, yes, midlife, but it's the final stage for me. You know, like at some point my kids are gonna maybe have kids and then that's like a whole other. Right. But like me as a daughter, this is my final stage. Right. And in that final stage, all my whole life has only been like, that's all we talk about is this bond between parent and child.

[C]

Right.

[B]

Reinforcing that. How do we fix it? How do we make it better? How do we re. Establish it? How do we, you know, rupture and repair, you know, all of these things that we know to be true. But I'm wondering in that final stage, I think the path is now we separate.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

And so that is kind of like it's a whole trip. I'm looking for answers, professional answers, like someone to help. Because I know that this isn't. Obviously this experience is somewhat universal of like, how do I begin to do that? How do I begin to separate my parents existence from my own? How do we separate our paths? Because their journey, like when I look at them I'm thinking, I mean they can't be happy. I mean like this, like what are they doing all day? Like I feel so bad, you know, and then I think about like, should I be getting them? You know, should someone be going in there and doing physical therapy? Should I get her a personal trainer? You know, like, do you know what I'm saying?

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

Like what is the quality of life?

[C]

But this is. Look. Oh my God, my mom, literally my mom is only. She'll be 66 this year, right. But she acts as if she is mid-80s.

[B]

Yeah.

[C]

Her life is so Small by choice. She truly only watches TV and YouTube all day. She makes a choice not to socialize.

[B]

Correct.

[C]

She lives 20 minutes from my sister and my nephew. If she sees my nephew every two months. And that's the only person she really sees because there was a huge rupture with my sister that remains. Right. And my mom just can't. She's only ever ruptured. Not so good with the repair. You know, I don't blame my sister at all. And they may never. That's how bad it was. And I don't. I've been there with my mom. It's like. So it's just like me and my mom. I want to lean so far out. So far out. I know. But I can't because she's my mom. But my therapist, who's older than my mom, is often, I think she's. Every time this comes up, she's just aghast. Like, what does she do?

[B]

Is she depressed? Yes. Yes,

[C]

she's. Yes, she's a depressed person. But that's also, like. It's that this thing you're talking about, separation, It's. That's her. That's her path. There's nothing we can do. We can't.

[B]

We.

[C]

At this point, it's. You're right. This is the stage of separation. It's that we can't push our ideals onto, you know.

[B]

No, but also, like, who are we?

[C]

Who are we?

[B]

You know, like, they're on their own. Like, they've made these choices for reasons that are unknown to us and we'll never be known, and it's okay. Like, it's who, you know, I. I don't need to know these things. They don't owe it to me to explain their decisions and what brought them here. And so I think that they neither

[C]

want to explain it to you or. And they may not be able to, but they.

[B]

Yeah, but it also. None of my business.

[C]

That's right. And so it's just tricky for you because you're. You're their caretaker. Yeah. Well, let me just ask really quick. What happens when you're in Italy or anywhere else?

[B]

So my brother helps. Thank God for I shout out to anyone who's doing this as an only child, or for whatever reason is the only child doing it. So my brother helps, and then it's takeout. It's. You know, Mike will go by like. It's not to the extent that obviously I would, but, like, they can wait two weeks for laundry. They can wait two weeks for their sheets to be Changed, you know what I mean? I just. The basics are covered.

[C]

Got it.

[B]

When I'm gone, man, that's tough.

[C]

Sue, you're doing so much. That's a lot.

[B]

Yeah. And I realize, especially in the last few months when I go through these burnout phases, I think such a big part of burnout, you get to that point of not only is it not sustainable, that's like day one, you get to that day 60 of the burnout, and then you realize you're like, what is my life? Is my life to be miserable about doing this? And what is the cost of that? The cost of that, obviously, is your own unhappiness, which is number one. But also I'm terrible to be around, especially for my kids and my husband. Like, I just slop it on.

[C]

Yeah.

[B]

You know, and that's. That's the reality of the cost. And so, you know, you got to start, like, making some changes. And it's hard because it's not like you can just be like, I'm going into rehab or not that that's easy. And like, this, this behavior is out of my life. It's. You stop to take care of your parents and figure out a way to do it. So I don't have an answer. It's an add to cart and remove from cart. But I think I just wanted to express to anyone listening who are in similar positions to us, who don't align with this, like, feeling of, like, wow, I get to do this. And it's such a privilege that the work is so acknowledged and so seen.

[C]

I love being Emerald Birdie's mom. And yeah, times are tough and it's like the negotiating or, you know, the tantrums or whatever. But then I just get. I get so much out of the relationship and we have so much fun. And I recognize that she's learning and figuring stuff out. And so I'm getting points of pleasure and bonding the reverse with my. With my mom. And if you don't have those memories, that woman was speaking on the zoom about him being number one in the call sheet, number one on the call tree or whatever like that. If you don't, it's hard to go through, like, you were talking about the grind of the present when there isn't a foundation of these pleasure of like anything. It's difficult when you don't have that history, when you don't have that bond. And my mom never. She admit she never knew how to be in a family. She left really early, as you guys know. I did a documentary. I'VE explored it. And for you, Sue, I mean, you're doing, like, I. For me, I've been able to separate because I have been, for the most part, separated from her through distance. Her being in Minnesota and the fact that I had a number of years where we. I had to not have any contact with her for my mental health, and so easier to separate. I mean, you are in the trenches, and people who are in your similar position, you are literally in the trenches. Mm. Yeah. You're so enmeshed.

[B]

Right. That's what I mean.

[C]

You're so enmeshed.

[B]

I'm so enmeshed. It's so hard because it's kind of like you're in quicksand, you know, where at first you're like, ah, my foot is stuck, and you're wiggling around. And then when you're, like, up to, like, your. Your elbows, you kind of forget you're in. You're sinking. You know, you don't even really move anymore. It's almost like you stop sinking because you stopped moving. And that's a dangerous place to be, you know, because it's like that daily grind of it, like you said, of being in the trenches, eventually it will, like, snuff the light out.

[C]

And correct me if I'm wrong, as soon as you started, like, really earning Money in your 20s, you've been taking care of them. Is that fair to say?

[B]

Yeah. But even before that.

[C]

Okay.

[B]

I mean, financially, which is the easiest part of it. Like, I wish I could just write a check.

[C]

Yeah, fair.

[B]

At this point, my point is more

[C]

that you have also, as the oldest, you took care of your brother. You have had this responsibility. Really. My point is that you've been their caretaker in some ways, in varying different ways. So it's like the amount of enmeshment, entanglement, this contract that they took your little hand and signed for you, and you have fulfilled it every year since.

[B]

Yeah, it re ups automatically.

[C]

There's no negotiating. They've never been able to negotiate it. Also, that is the. There's also the weight of that as well.

[B]

Yeah. And like you said, like, there is the. Well of, like, good times is very dry to pull from, and I think a lot of people can relate. Shout out again apih MST month. Is that. You know, how many of us have age 6, 7, translated. Been on the phone with the utility company, the insurance company. Like, we've been doing that. You know what I mean? That. Yeah. Like, that is so much of the immigrant experience is this role reversal. And so all of that is part of this experience, which is coming out to play. And when I lived in New York and I could just send the checks home, it was all honky dory and that distance was fantastic and I didn't feel it. And I would even say that I had a great relationship with my parents. And I think for a period I did. During that time I was living in New York, you know, there was like a real acknowledgment of like two adults like being like, wow, like, you know, you do for me, I do for you, we do for each other. And now it's just. Yeah, it's this slog. So anyway, it's hard. I just wanted to acknowledge it's hard suchin for those out there.

[C]

I mean, anyway, it's so hard. It's. It's so freaking hard. It's exhausting.

[B]

Yeah, it's exhausting.

[C]

I think you nailed on the head figuring what. Beginning the stages of separation because you have to do what you have to do. You have to take care of them. I'm not saying anything different, but it's how you go about that, how you do that somehow. And once again you're having to figure it out yourself. Like, once again you're having to like pioneer that this is not modeled behavior. Like, this is, you know, this is, I guess, our karma not even to go to that. I'm just, just. I just, I kind of want to affirm your feelings and I know it helps you to just. I'm so glad. I know there's a lot of listeners who are in the same position and for you to much like you being a part of a club wherein spiders go in your ear. There are many, I think even more who are taking care of their parents.

[B]

God, I hope there are so many more taking care of parents than spider and ear club.

[C]

Sure. Absolutely.

[B]

I think. Sure. And once again, coo my optimistic, multi tiered titties out. Short dressed lady, flirty, she just bouncing, you know, through life, just. Just like bringing joy as she sees the silver lining.

[C]

I just, it's not even that I'm trying to say silver lining. Sue, I just want you to know that like, I hear, I hear you and I know this is like. I just want to affirm how fucking hard this is.

[B]

Yeah, I needed to hear that. I think.

[C]

Yeah. This is like, this is a really steep and unaccommodating mountain that you are going barefoot on. Yeah.

[B]

So if I stop going to the gym, I need for everyone to shout, have you stopped? No.

[C]

Wow.

[B]

I'm just saying. I'm just saying if.

[C]

Okay. Okay.

[B]

That's all I'm saying.

[C]

Okay. And that's it. That's our show.

[B]

That's our show. And we'll get updates.

[C]

You'll get updates from us, you know. Leave comments on our IG post about this app at AddToCart Pod. And please make sure to go to AddToCart World and enter your email to get updates on Asantes. We'll see you next time. Bye.

[B]

Is an auntie's unlimited production executive Producers are Culat, Vilaisak and Sujinpak. Tony Williams is our engineer. The music is by Wasabi and produced by LA Made it and oh so familiar with additional music by APM Music. Be sure to check out all the items mentioned today on our Instagram at Add to Cart Pod. Follow Add to Cart wherever you get your podcasts. And Doug, there's nowhere I wouldn't go to help someone customize and save on car insurance with Liberty Mutual. Even if it means sitting front row at a comedy show.

[C]

Hey, everyone.

[B]

Check out this guy and his bird.

[C]

What is this, your first date? Oh, no. We help people customize and save on

[B]

car insurance with Liberty Mutual together. We're married. Me to a human, him to a bird.

[C]

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[B]

If my teenager starts calling me Leslie

[C]

instead of mom, that's a family thing. Leslie. Leslie. That makes sense. Sorry. Book with support, not surprises. Verbo Care and 24. 7 Life Support. If you know you verbo terms apply. See verbo. Com Trust for details.