409 | Girl, Let That Man Help You! Breaking Free from Hyper-Independence & Learning to Accept Support | Pep Talk Wednesdays

Summary

Affirmations for Black Girls Podcast
Episode: 409 | Girl, Let That Man Help You! Breaking Free from Hyper-Independence & Learning to Accept Support | Pep Talk Wednesdays
Host: Tyra The Creative
Release Date: March 5, 2025

---

Introduction to Episode 409

In Episode 409 of the Affirmations for Black Girls podcast, host Tyra The Creative delves into the pervasive issue of hyper-independence among Black women. Titled "Girl, Let That Man Help You! Breaking Free from Hyper-Independence & Learning to Accept Support," this episode serves as a heartfelt pep talk encouraging listeners to embrace support and relinquish the heavy mantle of doing everything alone.

Understanding Hyper-Independence

Tyra begins by defining hyper-independence, emphasizing that it involves attempting to handle all aspects of life—physically, mentally, and emotionally—without seeking or accepting help. She explains, “Hyper independence is when someone tries to do everything on their own, even when it's hard or unnecessary” (02:30). While independence is commendable, Tyra warns of the emotional toll it can take, leading to loneliness and stress.

Host's Personal Experiences and Anecdotes

Tyra shares personal stories to illustrate her struggle with hyper-independence. She recounts instances where she declined offers of help from men, highlighting societal expectations placed on Black women to appear strong and self-sufficient. A notable moment occurs when she describes refusing assistance with carrying heavy bags:

"My first reaction was to say no. And I think a part of it for me and my what was going through my head was, oh, that's so sweet. I'ma just let you get on the road." (10:45)

These anecdotes underscore the ingrained habits of dismissing help, often rooted in past experiences of being let down or a fear of being perceived as weak.

The Impact of Hyper-Independence on Black Women

Tyra addresses the unique pressures Black women face to embody the "strong Black woman" archetype. She asserts, “We feel like we got to be the strong black woman, and I'm rebuking that in the name of Jesus” (05:50). This societal expectation can hinder emotional openness and the ability to seek support, ultimately affecting mental well-being and personal growth.

Shifting Mindset: Accepting Help as Strength

Central to Tyra’s message is the reframing of accepting help from a sign of weakness to an act of strength. She emphasizes, “Accepting help isn't a sign of weakness. Accepting help or asking for help doesn't mean that you are a burden” (16:50). By shifting this mindset, Black women can foster healthier relationships and build supportive communities.

Practical Steps to Break the Cycle

Tyra offers actionable advice to combat hyper-independence:

1. Acknowledge the Pattern: Recognize when you’re refusing help and understand the underlying reasons.

2. Break the Routine: Change habitual responses, such as the automatic “I got it” when help is offered.

   “The next time someone offers to help you, say yes, say yes.” (17:30)

3. Shift Your Mindset: View accepting help as a form of self-care and trust in your community.

4. Challenge Yourself: Take on the podcast’s weekly challenge to accept help whenever it’s offered, regardless of the size of the task.

Community and Support Systems

Tyra highlights the importance of building a supportive network where mutual assistance is valued. She encourages listeners to reach out and offer help, thereby creating a reciprocal environment of support and empowerment. By fostering such communities, Black women can alleviate the burdens of hyper-independence and cultivate a sense of belonging and mutual respect.

Conclusion and Listener Challenge

In wrapping up the episode, Tyra reinforces the necessity of letting go of hyper-independence to embrace a more balanced and supported life. She issues a challenge to her listeners:

"This week's challenge is to accept the help. If somebody asks you if you need help with something, say yes.” (21:00)

Tyra urges listeners to start small, gradually incorporating the acceptance of help into their daily lives. She concludes with an invitation for listeners to share their experiences, fostering a community of upliftment and shared growth.

---

Notable Quotes

• Tyra on Hyper-Independence:

  "Hyper independence is when someone tries to do everything on their own, even when it's hard or unnecessary." (02:30)

• Tyra on the Strong Black Woman Archetype:

  “We feel like we got to be the strong black woman, and I'm rebuking that in the name of Jesus.” (05:50)

• Tyra on Accepting Help as Strength:

  "Accepting help isn't a sign of weakness. Accepting help or asking for help doesn't mean that you are a burden." (16:50)

• Tyra’s Pep Talk Challenge:

  “This week's challenge is to accept the help. If somebody asks you if you need help with something, say yes.” (21:00)

Final Thoughts

Episode 409 of Affirmations for Black Girls serves as a compassionate and empowering guide for Black women striving to balance independence with the acceptance of support. Tyra’s candid reflections and practical advice aim to dismantle the barriers of hyper-independence, fostering a more connected and resilient community.

---

Timestamp References

• 02:30 - Definition of Hyper-Independence
• 05:50 - Discussing the Strong Black Woman Archetype
• 10:45 - Personal Anecdote on Declining Help
• 16:50 - Reframing Acceptance of Help as Strength
• 17:30 - Encouragement to Break the Routine
• 21:00 - Listener Challenge to Accept Help

Transcript

[Tyra]

Why do we feel like we have to turn down help when it's offered? Why do we feel like we have to carry everything ourselves, whether it's physically, mentally, or emotionally? I'm here to say, baby girl, let them people help you. Things are as powerful as power. What is up, beautiful people? Welcome back to another Pep Talk Wednesday. I am tired. The creative, your host and virtual cheerleader for the day, delivering a midweek pick me up that you have been craving. Get ready for some encouraging words and a little pep talk. Ready.

[Alexis]

Now.

[Tyra]

This is a Pep Talk Wednesday episode, but I swear I could talk about this all freaking day, especially in what's been going on in my life over the past few weeks. I literally wrote in my notes, girl, let that man help you. That's really where this entire pep talk stems from. I am the type of person who can be very hyper independent. So I want to just touch on where it came from, why I'm like that, and why I don't let. I don't be letting these men help me. And I'm. I'm positioned in a way where we're mainly talking about men, but in a general sense, I don't really let a lot of people help me in general. So with that being said, we're going to just talk about the definition of hyper independence, in case you did not know, because there's a lot of hyper independent people out there right now. So what is the definition of hyper independence? Hyper independence is when someone tries to do everything on their own, even when it's hard or unnecessary. It might seem like an admirable and powerful trait, but it can lead to feelings of loneliness and stress. Often this extreme independence comes from past experiences where trust were where trusting others felt unsafe. That's a lot to unpack here. And given that this is a pep Talk Wednesday, I'm just in here to give you a little dose of inspiration and get on up out of here. But I really want to talk about hyper independence because I feel like, especially in this day and age, there are a lot of people like that, me included. And for me, when I was reflecting on this, I was like, I feel like I'm hyper independent because I live in la, it's a big old city, my family is not here. And you condition yourself to do all the things for yourself. Especially because on top of me living out here, I live alone. I don't have a roommate. I'm also single. I don't have a partner. I do have friends. But sometimes you can feel like you are burdening Your friends, when you have things to do. The biggest thing about all of that is this is a learned way of being. You aren't necessarily. Well, no. You aren't born hyper independent when you a baby. You can't do nothing for yourself. As a child, we cannot do things for ourselves. We are dependent on our parents to do things for us. And when we go through life and things happen, we can develop this hyper independence that, at the end of the day, is detrimental to who we are now. Mo, Many of us have learned to be this way. Like I said, whether it's from your life experiences or being let down in the past. I know that happens a lot. Or just feeling like we. To be strong all the time. Especially as black women, which is, you know, the main audience that listens to this podcast. We feel like we got to be the strong black woman, and I'm rebuking that in the name of Jesus. This year, we've talked about living a softer life and, you know, being in our soft girl era, and I want to fully embody that. I've been saying, oh, I'm being a soft girl. I'm being more feminine. Tyra, this is one of the most feminine things you can do, letting people in to help you, especially men. I'm very traditional, y'all. I will say that everything isn't black and white, but I'm gonna keep this woman, man, masculine, feminine, just for the purposes of this episode. Men like to help. Men like to do for you. Men like to provide. And I'm talking about men. I'm not talking about little boys. Catch it. But men like to do those things. So when you're constantly saying, no, no, no, no, no. If I'm a man, I'ma fall back. Okay? This lady got it all figured out. She don't need me, and I don't want to present myself that way. You might. I don't. Right? Stop telling that man no. And I thought about this because one day I was walking. Where was I. Where was I walking from? Oh, I was walking from my gym, y'all. And I had. I had just went to L. Okay, that's a long story. I had just went to lunch with a friend, a chef friend who was in town, and he had a popup brunch. And granted, I mean, he doesn't live here, so he had to buy pots and pans, you know, all of that stuff. And some of the things he couldn't return to the store, obviously. So he was like, hey, do you want any of this stuff? I'm about to leave to go back to New York. I'm just going to gift this stuff to you. And I was like, say less. I'm going to take it. And I ended up getting this huge pot, a pack of six wine glasses and some other stuff. So I had these big old, you know, the Marshalls and Ross's bags that are huge. I had two big old bags. The stuff was not heavy, granted, but I was walking down the street from my gym with because I had to do a private session. So I was walking from there. Well, actually let me back up a little bit. When I got the stuff out of his car. I was about to go into my gym and he just parked right across the street from my car, from my gym. I grabbed the bags. He was like, let me help you with that. I can walk you to the gym. And my knee jerk reaction was to say, oh no, I got it. The gym is right there. Granted, the gym was right there. But that man offered to carry those bags for me to that gym. And my first reaction was to say no. And he asked again. He was like, you sure? I know it's right there, but you sure? I was like, no, it's fine. And I think a part of it for me and my what was going through my head was, oh, that's so sweet. I'ma just let you get on the road. But also I got two hands. I can hold it. It's not, you know, it's not too bad to, to do that. It wasn't super heavy or anything. So it wasn't the fact that I didn't necessarily want him to help. My first reaction, my, my conscious mind was like, there's nothing to help with. I can carry it. It's not heavy stuff. But I should have just accepted the help. Now granted, if that was a girl or whatever or if it was, if it was reversed, I would have been like, girl, let me help you. Give me one of these bags. And I would have just took it from her, right? And I don't want to move in that way. And I also don't want to say like, I only should say yes because it's a man. Because no, like I said, I would have offered to help my friend and I know they would have offered to help even if they were a girl or whatever the case because the bags weren't heavy. Anyways, so I get to my gym, I do what I got to do at my gym. I leave the gym, I'm still walking with these bags. Not one but two men passed by Me and was like, hey, would you like me to help you with that? And I'm like, no, it's fine. I'm just going right across the street, which I am like close to my, I'm walking distance from my house. And I know LA is like a, you know, it could be a dangerous place. I don't know them people, all of that. And I get that in a safety, from a safety standpoint. But that doesn't mean that you can't let that man help you. That doesn't mean that you gotta tell that man no, assess the situation and then let that man help. And he was like, are you sure Those bags are kind of big. And at that point I had on those bags and I had on my, my workout bag. So it was kind of a lot. But I also didn't want to burden that man. I didn't want him to go out of his way for me. And I was like, my, I got it. Which I did. But it's like, why do I have to have it? Why do I think I got it? Why can't I accept that help? Because it wasn't even like a debate in my head. I just knee jerk, in a knee jerk way. I just said, I got it. I want to open myself up to accepting help because a lot of times we can associate the associate getting help with being weak, with us being needed, needy, or being a burden. And I already said that that buzz were burden a little earlier. We feel like that and we don't want to inconvenience anyone. But here's the thing. When somebody asks you, do you need help? Nine times out of ten, if they did not want to help you, they are not going to offer. There are people who just do it because it's the kind thing to do. But accept that help, okay? Accept that help. There's no reason for us to carry these burdens, carry all of this stuff on our own back. And I want to be more conscious of, of accepting that help and saying, yes, we, a lot of times we think that we are weak, but the real strength comes from us accepting that help and saying, yes, as a matter of fact, you can help me. And one other thing that I want to touch on before we jump into the next thing today. This another instance of this happened today. If you're like, Tyra, girl, I don't even be around men. Whatever the case may be with the woman man thing that I'm, you know, positioning this as me and Alexis, my best friend went to UPS today, I had to return Some tables that I used for my. My launch party. I. I always be going off on a tangent why I return the tables, y'all. They were too clunky and, but also not heavy enough. So at the launch party, people were like kicking them around and stuff. And I was like, these tables are too big and the stuff is falling off of them. People's drinks were split, spilling all of that. So I was like, these tables are not gonna work. So I returned them. Now, these are big tables. These are like cocktail tables. But the back, the boxes are big. They probably weigh like 15 pounds each. It's two of those. I have this stock pot that I'm returning and then one other small item. And I was telling her we were just coming from shopping. I was telling her, I gotta stop at the UPS now. She was like, okay, I get to ups. I park. I ask her, you want me to put your window down while I go do this? And she was like, girl, I'm not helping you. And I was like, oh. I mean, I just never considered it. I was just going to make two trips. And she looked at me like, why would I sit here while you make two trips? So I know there's a lot of times where we don't necessarily actively say, girl, no, I don't want you to help me. Boy, no, I don't want you to help me. No, no, no, I'm going to do it all myself. But there are times where you have been hurt in the past and all of this, all of this stuff can still be subconscious, and it's our jobs to make sure that we are consciously changing that narrative. So I was like, girl, I didn't even think about that. She was like, girl, I'm not going to sit here while you go and do that. Like, make two trips. What? Granted, it was right there, but there's no reason for that. Accept that help. We do not need to live in a hyper independent state. That ain't good for nobody.

[Sponsor]

This podcast is sponsored by Ramp. Look, there's feelings and then there's the facts. If you're feeling like your finance team is bogged down in mundane manual tasks, the fact is, you need Ramp. Ramp is the corporate card that makes the expense process fast and easy. The moment your team makes a purchase, Ramp handles everything. Receipt, collection and approvals, the works. With Ramp, you can cut your month end close from five days to one, customize approval workflows, and get complete control over every transaction. Facts. Over 25,000 businesses trust RAMP, including Shopify and the boys and girls. Club of America, which is why they were just named number one in spend management by G2. Facts start using ramp and you'll have more time to spend scaling your business and that'll feel really good. Upgrade to Ramp for free today and get $[e-mail] that's ramp.com r a m p.com cards issued by Sutton bank members. FDIC terms and conditions apply.

Your wealth makes you an irresistible target to online criminals. According to Salt, as wealth 41 of high net worth individuals report having been victims of financial crime. Unfortunately, off the shelf digital security solutions aren't robust enough to protect high profile individuals like so what can you do? Rely on Concierge Digital Security from Reputation Defender Concierge Digital Security is not just another app to install, it's a team of experts working in the background to protect you and your family behind the scenes. Reputation Defender bundles a suite of best in class security solutions covering virtually every aspect of your digital life from digital identity to online privacy. I did identity fraud, insurance and home device protection. Your concierge helps manage all of these for you. Visit reputationdefender.com success to learn more or schedule your private consultation. That's reputationdefender.com success.

[Tyra]

When was the last.

[Alexis]

Time you really checked in with your body? The start of the year is the perfect time to reflect on how we're feeling. Not just physically but mentally and emotionally too. If you've been pushing through low energy a little too often, occasional bloating, mild mood shifts, or just feeling off in general, it might be time to stop ignoring the signs and start taking charge of your hormone health. Hormone Harmony is a plant based supplement designed to support optimal hormone levels. Using something called Adaptogens, herbal ingredients that help your body handle stress and natural hormonal changes. Whether it's pms, discomfort, perimenopause shifts or sleepless nights leaving you drained, Hormone Harmony offers targeted support to help you feel balanced and more like yourself. I'll be honest with y'all. Paying attention to my hormones hasn't always been at the top of my priority list. But as I've learned more about prioritizing my health, I've realized how much better.

[Tyra]

We can feel when we support our.

[Alexis]

Bodies in the right ways. And that's why I'm excited to share Hormone Harmony with y'all.

[Tyra]

It can help you feel more in.

[Alexis]

Control, less reactive, and way more energized throughout the day after. After all, it's not about quick fixes, it's about equipping your body with the Tools it needs to thrive every day. For a limited time, you can get 15% off your entire first order@happy mammoth.com. just use the code affirmations at checkout. That's happy mammoth.com. and don't forget to use the code affirmations for 15% off today.

[Tyra]

So how do we break that cycle? I think the first thing is, is acknowledging it, taking some time to reflect and be like, okay, do I tell people no when they want to help? Even if it's something small, what can I do? The biggest thing for me is to break that routine because, you know, for example, when you're greeting somebody, hey, how you doing? I'm doing fine. And you? I'm doing fine too.

[Alexis]

Have a good day.

[Tyra]

All right. You have a good day as well. We are conditioning ourselves to just be in a routine. And I have that same thing going on with accepting help. I'm always saying, no, I got it. Unless I ask somebody for help. Now, here's the thing. I'm not an extremist. I will ask people for help when I really, really need it. Like if I have, like a heavy something to move or if I need something mounted on the wall, like my TV or whatever, I will ask for help. And I'm specifically talking men. I will ask you for help. I'll even ask my girlfriends for help as well. Not as often as I'll ask men out of the little bit of times that I ask people for help. But I will ask. But I could ask more. I could ask way more, and I could accept help way more. There's been a lot of situations as I am reflecting on this entire hyper independence thing, where I'm like, oh, dang, I could have accepted that help. Oh, she did ask if she could help me with that. He did say, call me if I need help with that. And I just don't be doing it. So breaking the routine, I think, is the first thing that we can do to start breaking that cycle and even step it up, take it a step further on. Why I'm even in that routine is because, like I said, I live alone. When you live alone, it's hard to constantly ask people for help. It's hard to view that as the efficient thing to do, at least from my experience. It's hard to do that because I know I can do it quicker, I can do it more efficiently, I know exactly how I want it done, yada, yada, yada, the list goes on. But that don't mean that you should not be accepting this help. And Massaging that part of you, you can also, or you also should shift your mindset. If you are a type of person that is hyper independent because somebody has let you down, or you think asking for help is making you look weak or you're a burden to people, shift that mindset. Accepting help isn't a sign of weakness. Accepting help or asking for help doesn't mean that you are a burden. The people around you love you. They want you to have a great life. They are willing to help. Asking for help and accepting help is a sign of trust, and it's also a sign of self care. And that also can help you live a softer life. Because we live in a soft girl life. You already know. And once you start to implement this stuff, just remember to start small when you're trying to break this cycle, because it can take a while. Especially those routines that are set in those. Those canned responses that we tend to have when we are communicating with people. It can be hard to break those or change those or transform those, Whatever you want to call it. So the next time someone offers to help you, say yes, say yes. Literally, just say yes. Even if you want to say no because of whatever reason, even if it would be easier for you to just do it yourself, say yes. Accept that help. I think it's very important to just massage that and exercise that. And then this is the biggest one for me with breaking the cycle and accepting the support. Support. Recognize the double standard that you have put on yourself. We love helping others. I always ask my friends, hey, you need me to help you or I'm. I am gonna help you with this. I don't even be asking. I'll be like, girl, I'm help you with this, or boy, I'm help you with this. Or, oh, you need this. I already did this for you. I know that I'm that type of person. Why can't I allow other people to be that? For me, it's a double standard that is working against me. A double standard that I made that is working against me. We love helping everybody else, but we won't allow them to help us. And it just don't make no sense at all. It only. It don't make no sense. The double standard is gone. As you guys know, with every pep talk Wednesday, we have a challenge. And I think you guys can figure out what this week's challenge is or the next two weeks, because we do a pep talk every two weeks. But this week's challenge is to accept the help. If somebody asks you if you need help with something, say yes. If somebody offers to carry your bags or whatever it may be, say yes. Even if your immediate response is, oh, no, I got it. And you realize it in that moment that you did that, and you should have accepted that help. Take a beat and say, matter of fact, I do need help. And if you're in a situation where you're like, girl, well, I don't ever get asked for, Ask if I want help or need help or whatever, then you ask for help with something, no matter how small it is. Like, for example, my friend Alexis bought some shelves, right? And she just mentioned to me, oh, I just bought these shelves from Amazon. I don't know how I put them on the wall. She didn't ask for my. My help, but I offered, oh, can you help? Can I can help you with that? I know it's only two shelves, but I got all the equipment. I noticed that you don't have a drill. I can help you with that. That's gonna be quick. Or if you're in a situation where it's like, I don't even know, you have a task to do, Like, a mundane task, maybe taking your braids out. Friend, can you please help me? Can we make this a girl's night? Can we help? Can look a lot of different ways. It doesn't just have to be physical. And if you have, like, men in your life that you would like to help, maybe you got something heavy in your room that. And I. It feels very sexist, these examples that I'm giving. But y'all. Y'all catch my drift? If you got something heavy that you need help with, or if you got some yard work that been needing to get done and you were gonna get to it, ask that man to help. Or if that man then said in the past three, four times, hey, I can help you with this, call him up. Hey, remember you said you was going to help me with this? Yeah. I want to accept that. I want to cash in that help right now. There's so many situations where you can do that. Accept it. No matter how big or small, it's very important to just practice letting someone support you.

[Alexis]

And it may feel weird.

[Tyra]

It honestly might. It might feel weird or foreign, or it might bring up things from your past where you've been let down or all of the things. And just make sure that you are bracing yourself to accept all of those feelings and work through those things. Because on the other side of hyper independence is a loving and supporting community that will help you release some of the things off of your shoulders that you don't have to carry alone.

[Sponsor]

All you homeowners have unique needs. Some feel the need to leave up holiday decorations year round. Others have the need to use their garage as practice space for their new metal band. And because each homeowner has unique needs, GEICO helps you get the right coverage for your home and what's in it. That way you get exactly what's right for you, even if your needs are unique. Get more with Geico.

[Tyra]

Being independent is a great thing. It is great in, in itself, it is great. But being so independent that you don't accept help, that you push people away that want to help you, even if they're strangers, holding all that stuff in and being hyper independent is exhausting. And there have been situations where we all have in some way exhibited these hyper independent tendencies. And I'm here to say release it. It's time to let it go. Let's stop making life harder than it has to be. Because the right people want to help you and you should let them. And that's all I'm gonna say today. Stop telling that man. No. Accept that help. Okay? Yes, matter of fact, I do need the help. Okay. Now with that being said, y'all, thank you so much for tuning in to this pep talk Wednesday. I hope you liked it. I really, really hope this is a good one. If you're watching the video because this is a video episode, leave me some comments down below. Tell me about an experience where you did accept help or an experience where you didn't expect accept help and you should have or you didn't ask for help. Any of those variations. Let's create some conversation down in the comments and if you're just listening, shoot me an email. I always want to hear you guys story. I just really want this to be a community where we are uplifting each other and we are cheering each other, helping each other become the best versions of ourselves that we can be and building community with people who love us and want us to have a great life. I think it's so important. Now that is all that I have for you guys today and I will see you guys again on Monday for a full length episode. If you are not already subscribed to the YouTube channel, make sure you hit that big red subscribe button down below. And if you're listening, make sure you follow the podcast. Leave us a rating Leave us a review. I love reading all of the reviews that you guys have and I know I always say that, but I really do like they really make the podcast. And it's just another way for me to connect with you guys. So with that being said, don't forget our challenge of the week. Yes, I will accept the help. Okay, I'll see you guys again next week. This is Affirmations for Black Girls la.