428 | Put Them on Mute: Protecting Your Peace in Group Chats & Social Spaces. You Don’t Owe Everyone Access to You

Summary

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Affirmations for Black Girls

Host: Tyra The Creative
Episode: 428 | Put Them on Mute: Protecting Your Peace in Group Chats & Social Spaces. You Don’t Owe Everyone Access to You
Date: September 24, 2025

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Episode Overview

In this heartfelt and relatable episode, Tyra The Creative addresses the often-overlooked exhaustion that comes from hyper-connectivity and maintaining constant contact in group chats and social spaces. She discusses the necessity of setting digital boundaries, handling guilt around withdrawing from chats or conversations, and prioritizing personal peace, especially for Black women who are commonly pressured to be constantly available and accommodating.
This episode is a guide and encouragement to reclaim your time and emotional energy by asserting boundaries — digitally and socially — for your own well-being.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. Personal Story: Leaving Old Group Chats

• Tyra shares: She left her high school friends group chat after eight years, without an announcement, and felt immediate relief.
  • "A space that was once fun, felt judgmental and uninviting...I left the chat after eight years...it was one of the most freeing things I had ever experienced." (03:00)
• Main takeaway: You are not obligated to remain accessible to everyone just because of history.
• Quote:
  • “There should be no guilt associated with leaving the chat and every message doesn’t warrant a response. It is up to me and only me to protect my peace at all costs.” (03:25)

2. The Affirmation of the Week

• Affirmation: “I can be present without being overly accessible.” (05:08–06:09)
• Tyra’s reflection:
  • “Setting a boundary isn’t rude, it’s responsible. Your boundaries are your guardrails.” (06:25)
• The repeated affirmation serves as a grounding reminder for listeners to meditate on throughout the episode.

3. The Hidden Burnout: Social Exhaustion

• Reality check:
  • The constant pings, chats, invitations, and expectation to always respond is a unique, modern burnout that goes unspoken.
• Tyra’s phone stats:
  • “I currently have 124 unread text messages...and 161 unread text messages on my computer...It’s mainly because I’m in so many group messages.” (08:13)
• Coping strategy: Tyra mutes all group chats to read and respond at her own pace.
• Quote:
  • “You do not owe everyone access to you or your time whenever they want to talk to you.” (10:30)
  • “This hyper-connectivity wasn’t a problem in the 90s, baby. If you didn’t want anyone calling, you unplugged that house phone.” (11:07)

4. Group Chat Etiquette & Digital Boundaries

• On etiquette:

  • Tyra laments the lack of social etiquette and generational differences in group chats, especially with family.
  • Emphasis on muting or leaving chats as a form of self-care.

• Digital boundaries:

  • Setting boundaries in digital spaces is just as vital as in-person ones.
  • Evaluate: “How do I feel when these messages pop up? Do I want to be in this space?” (13:50)
  • Advice:
    • “If you don’t, baby girl, remove yourself from said group message.” (13:54)

5. Difficult Family Boundaries & The Guilt of Not Responding

• Ongoing challenges:
  • Tyra sets limits on conversations with certain family members who overstep sensitive topics (e.g., marriage, children).
  • Shares the concept of “emotional drive-bys” — when people bring up topics you’ve asked them to avoid.
• Quote:
  • “I call it emotional drive-bys...and I hate that so much.” (16:35)

6. Protecting Your Peace in Real-Time Social Spaces

• Parallel in-person situations:
  • Tyra applies similar boundaries to phone calls as she does to group chats.
  • The struggle: Balancing closeness with family versus self-preservation.
  • “At the end of the day, you have to make sure you are putting your feelings first and the things you need...Even if it means not answering the phone.” (15:26)

7. Digital Tools: Using “Do Not Disturb,” Focus Modes & Read Receipts

• Routine for digital peace:
  • Tyra walks listeners through her use of iPhone’s Focus Modes:
    • Sleep Mode (10pm–8am): Only favorites (immediate family) can get through.
    • Fitness Mode (8am–9am): Messages allowed, no calls or social notifications.
    • Work Mode (11am onwards): Limited to closest family members.
    • Social Media Mode: Blocks all social notifications.
    • Personal Mode: Total “Do Not Disturb” for personal activities like meditation or reading.
  • “I love having my phone in these focus modes...I have a lot more clarity throughout the day.” (29:37)
• Read receipts:
  • Tyra keeps these on to signal she’s seen messages, setting boundaries for further communication.
  • “Whatever you need to do to protect your peace, baby, that's what you need to do.” (32:46)

8. Pressures of Social Obligations & "FOMO"

• Pressure to be present:
  • “There is this unspoken pressure, especially as Black women, to always be the life of the party, to always show up, to always smile.” (39:16)
• Rejection of guilt-tripping:
  • Tyra reframes saying “no” as self-awareness rather than antisocial behavior.
  • Clarification:
    • “‘Antisocial’ literally means against society...Choosing rest and peace is not being antisocial, it’s being self-aware.” (39:35)
• Self-inquiry questions before attending events:
  • “Do I actually want to go?...Do I have the capacity?...Will this pour life into me or pull from me?” (41:30)

9. Honoring Community Vs. Honoring Yourself

• Balance:
  • Recognizes sometimes “inconveniencing” yourself for important events is part of sustaining community, but rest and boundaries are equally valid.
  • “Sometimes...having community does mean that you will inconvenience yourself. That is the price you pay to have community. But when you genuinely need rest, the people who are in your community will understand that.” (36:57)

10. Choosing Self-Preservation Over Social Performance

• Final encouragement:
  • “You shouldn’t feel like you have to perform in your social relationships. You don’t owe anybody a 24/7 version of yourself.” (42:51)
  • “Saying no when your spirit says no is not selfish, it's self-preservation.” (42:57)
  • “Allow people to love you within the boundaries you’ve set, not through the exhaustion you’ve been surviving with.” (43:40)

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• “Every message doesn’t deserve a response. Every invitation doesn’t need a yes. And every season doesn’t require your constant presence.” (43:45)
• “One is avoidance and the other is self-preservation. And over here, we are choosing self-preservation every single time.” (41:43)
• “Your peace is your priority and protecting it is the most radical act of self-care that you can give yourself.” (43:50)

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Practical Tools, Tips & Strategies

• Mute group chats to control when you engage.
• Use Focus Modes on your phone to regulate availability and minimize unexpected intrusion.
• Keep read receipts on (if it works for you) to communicate presence without pressure.
• Set explicit boundaries for how you receive sensitive news from family.
• Check in with yourself before accepting social invitations — protect your peace, energy, and capacity first.
• Maintain open communication with loved ones about your need for rest or boundaries.

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Timestamps for Key Segments

• Leaving the Group Chat & Affirmation: 02:55 – 06:09
• Phone Overload, Muting Chats & Digital Etiquette: 08:13 – 13:54
• Family Boundaries & Emotional Drive-Bys: 13:54 – 17:22
• Digital Boundary Strategies (Focus Modes): 23:25 – 33:18
• Navigating Social Invitations, FOMO, and Community: 35:14 – 42:06
• On Performance & Intentional Rest: 42:51 – 43:50

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The “Would You Rather: Social Edition” Closing (44:00–48:00)

• Tyra reveals her preferences for social interactions, sharing personality insights and emphasizing the value of authentic connection over performative socializing.
• Key takeaway: Prioritizing the people and environments that genuinely nourish you is essential.

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Episode Takeaway

Tyra’s message is clear:
You do not have to apologize for prioritizing your peace in digital or real-world interactions. Boundaries are self-care, not selfishness.
If you’ve ever felt guilty for muting a group chat, leaving a conversation, or saying no to an invitation, this episode empowers you to own those choices as wise, necessary, and loving acts toward yourself.

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Transcript

[A]

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[B]

Wayfair Every style, Every home When I was in high school, I was in a group chat with all of my high school friends. This is where we talked about everything. Boys, classes, gossip, what's going on in our lives on the weekends, and how we still kept in contact. Once we all graduated one day, I realized I needed to remove myself from this space. A space that was once fun, felt judgmental and uninviting. So because of many reasons that I won't really get too deep into, I left the chat after eight years. I didn't announce my goodbye. I just did what had been on my mind for quite some time and it was one of the most freeing things I had ever experienced. The biggest lesson I learned from all of this is there should be no guilt associated with leaving the chat and every message doesn't warrant a response. It is up to me and only me to protect my piece at all costs. And that includes digital spaces too. What is going on? Beautiful people? You are listening to the Affirmations for Black Girls podcast where we focus on personal growth and cultivating a healthy relationship relationship with ourselves. I am your host, Tyra the creative actress, content creator and mental health enthusiast. And there is this secret kind of burnout that a lot of us are feeling, but we can't really talk about it. And what that is is social exhaustion. When the group chats are pinging constantly, the invitations are ringing in, and you feel like you have to say yes to everything just to keep the peace. But your peace matters too, y'. All. It matters even more. In fact, it has to. Setting boundaries in this hyper connected digital age and within your own personal social spaces is a huge aspect of self care that often gets thrown to the side. We understand boundaries when it comes to people we don't want contact with, but what about situations where we are almost overly connected with actual loved ones? So before we dive in, let's go ahead and jump into our Affirmation of the week. This week's affirmation is I can be present without being overly accessible. Oh, this is a good one. Y', all, let's go ahead and drop in. I can be present without being overly accessible. I can be present without being overly accessible. I can be present with without being overly accessible. I can be present without being overly accessible. I can be present without being overly accessible. I can be present without being overly accessible. Let's say it one last time together and truly mean it. I can be present without being overly accessible. You guys, you guys, you guys. I think, especially in this day and age, that so many of us are conditioned to feel like we owe everyone our time and our energy just because they asked for it or because they mean well. But setting a boundary isn't rude, it's responsible. Your boundaries are your guardrails. This has been a tug of war for me for years because I've lived away from home for over 10 years now. But like we just said, I can be present without being overly accessible to the point where it causes me stress or even harm.

[C]

The first thing that comes to my.

[B]

Mind to say about this entire thought is that you don't owe everyone access to you or your time. If I'm looking at my phone right now, which is currently on do not disturb because I am recording the podcast, but if I look, I currently have 124 unread text messages and as I'm looking at my computer screen, I have, oh Gosh, I have 161 unread text messages on my computer. And that's with me going through my phone the other day and reading some of the messages and deleting some of the messages. Now granted some of these messages are, you know, spam or you know how you get the. You sign up for the commercial messages from brands that you like. I get a lot of messages from Coach, but I typically read those because I be clicking the links to see if it's a bag I want. But anyways, that's not what we talking about today. I have 124 unread text messages and it's mainly because I'm in so many group messages. As you guys know, I'm currently home for in Louisiana and I celebrated my birthday here. And just because of my birthday, three separate family group chats have been popping for the last couple of weeks. So a lot of those are muted by the way, but a lot of those have been getting a lot more action on a day to day basis. And one of them is also a wedding group chat that I'm in because my brother is getting married next year. So that's super exciting. But group chats as a whole, I hate them, y', all. I really do. Because the continuous access that people have to you in group messages, it gives me a little bit of anxiety. And this is why I mute them. All of my group messages are muted because I want to be able to look at the message when I want to look at the message and not feel like every time my phone is on loud, I'm hearing ding after ding after ding because people are responding in these group messages. I do understand the importance of group messages, but I do think a lot of people lack group message etiquette. And I feel like it may get better in the future, but when it comes to family, you have people of all ages, all generations in these group messages and just will be what it will be. So in order for me to regulate myself, I like to keep all of my group messages muted. And I think it's important that you do mute these group messages so you can pick up on them whenever you are ready to because you do not owe everyone access to you or your time whenever they want to talk to you. It's so hard now because this is the first time in history that this has been an issue, this constant, this hyper connectivity that we have. This wasn't a problem in the 90s, baby. If ain't want nobody calling the house, you unplugged that house phone, okay? They called, you left a voicemail. They wasn't calling you over and over because one, you had to pay for all that. Then cell phones, when they started being popular, it was prepaid. Baby. I'm not wasting my minutes sending you all these text messages. I'm not wasting my minutes calling you over and over. If you're not answering, I'm going to send you one message and you going to get back to me when you want. And I really wish we could give back to that type of etiquette. Not bombarding people and not just blowing people phone up all the time. But the best thing that iPhone could have did was make that remove button. I removed myself from my high school group chat after I had been thinking about doing it for a couple of years because, one, we weren't in high school anymore. Two, it just became a space that I didn't feel loved and supported in. And I was staying in that group chat for so long because I felt like I had to, in a sense, just off the strength of we've been friends for so long and we've been in this group chat. What would they think if I left this group and everything finally came to A head one day. I don't really want to get too deep into the details of it because I have story after story after story. But people change. People grow apart, and that is okay. One day, they were writing in the group message about something that was happening in real time in my family. We had just lost a family member, and they were talking about it in the group chat in real time, and they were talking about it in a way where they just was wondering about the information. But I'm in this group chat, and I am getting this information that my family member has passed away. At the same time, y' all are talking about it, not in a bad way, but they were just talking about it in a very. Just un. Like it wasn't warm, in a very cold way. They just wanted the facts. And I'm like, y', all, this is a family member of mine. I'm in this group chat. What you should be saying is, tyra, I'm sorry for your loss, and that's not what was happening. So I decided that day that enough was enough, and I ended up leaving the group message. Now, that's obviously after everything had come to a head, but this is why I am a huge proponent of protecting your piece. And in these group chats and in these social spaces, even if people don't necessarily mean you harm, it is your duty to make sure that you are only showing up in spaces where you feel safe and you feel supported. No matter what the past has been for you or whoever else is in there, it's your phone. You pay that phone bill or your mama pay that phone bills. Them other people in that group chat don't pay that phone bill. So it's up to you to make sure that you are assessing. Okay, how do I feel whenever these messages pop up on my phone? How do I feel whenever I'm reading through these messages? Do I really want to be in this space? If you don't, baby girl, remove yourself from said group message. Now. I will also say, lately I've also been doing the same thing with phone calls in certain social spaces in real life as well. I was just telling my friend Bria this yesterday. We were on a walk, and I was just sharing my frustrations. As you guys know, I am a Southern girl from Louisiana. I'm 31 years old, unmarried, don't have no kids. So the conversations are happening a lot more, not with my parents, but with extended family and about, you know, the conversations about, hey, when is this going to happen? And it's really starting to piss me off. So I'm at the point now where I have set those boundaries, I have been vocal about them and I've stood ten toes deep in them. And I'm at the point now where one of my family members continually oversteps that boundary after I have said, no, you need to stop, we don't need to talk about this multiple times. And I'm at the point now where I just don't answer the phone. And there is a certain level of grief that are guilt, excuse me, a certain level of guilt that I feel not answering the phone because I live so far away. And I know that this doesn't happen every single time we talk, but when it does, I get irate at this point because I have vocalized this so many times. So I know how hard it is to navigate your boundaries. And staying in contact with family, especially if it's closer family or family that you have been closer to, it is hard to do. But at the end of the day, you have to make sure that you are putting your feelings first and the things that you need, especially if you have been vocal about your boundaries and how things make you feel. You just, at some point it's just going to come to a point where you're just like, okay, I have to protect myself. I cannot talk to you. And it's just gonna have to be like that until do get with the program and know that this is just something that you don't need to talk about with me. This is not something that I want to discuss with you. For me personally, I was telling Bria, I was like, I don't want to talk about this with this family member because one, they ain't got what they asking me for, so why is you asking me? Let's start there. Secondly, I have told them time and time again I don't want to talk about this. And thirdly, which has nothing to do with them at all, this is something that I currently worry about. So I don't want you constantly bringing this up. I call it emotional drive bys. When people constantly bring up things that make me that I'm dealing with in my personal life that I don't necessarily share with family because it's not their business. I call it emotional drive bys and I hate that so much. And I have been. That's why I'm so vocal, because I know how I get when the things are brought up in a space where I am caught off guard. So my peace is my number one priority. And it just happens that in this situation I can't talk to you and it's just gonna have to be what it is.

[C]

Now y' all know I love the host, right? So a few weeks ago I turned my apartment into an ice cream parlor and I named my ice cream parlor Honey Child. And listen y', all, when I host stuff, I do not play small, okay? I ordered a whole slushy machine and an ice cream maker which were obviously non negotiables for this event. Add in the grocery bills, the festive cups, the little details like sprinkle decals on the wall, baby, it started to add up quick. But all of those purchases weren't just for one afternoon of fun. They were also helping me invest in my future thanks to the Chime Credit Builder Secured Visa credit card. Chime understands that every dollar counts. When you set up direct deposit, you.

[B]

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[C]

Getting paid up to two days early and access to over 47,000 fee free ATMs. Every swipe I made for this party was actually helping me build my credit score.

[B]

Ok?

[C]

Now it feels great knowing that something as simple as hosting my friends can also contribute to my long term stability. Chime honestly lets me have it all y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

I get to live my life fully in the moment and take small steps towards a future where my credit is strong and I feel secure. So whether you're planning your own party, stocking up for the back to school season, or just making a your very regular degular runs to the grocery store, don't sleep on how the little things can add up. So if you're ready to make your everyday purchases count and start working on your financial goals, listen up. Make everyday purchases count with Chime's secured Credit Builder Visa credit card. Work on your financial goals through Chime. Today open an [e-mail] affirmations that's chime.com affirmations Chime feels like progress.

[D]

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[C]

Y' all. Listen, meal prepping is hard. And don't even get me started about how expensive it is to hire a nutritionist just to figure out what you should be eating.

[B]

My goal is always to eat right.

[C]

But I refuse to sacrifice flavor Baby. And sometimes I fall off. I do hiit workouts, boxing, and even run the occasional 5K. But when I don't fuel my body properly, I can feel it. I'll mess around and get overwhelmed, start skipping meals, and then wonder why I'm dragging through the day. And as I'm getting older, it is even more important to nourish my body properly so I don't hurt my myself.

[B]

So Green Chef has low key been.

[C]

A game changer, y'.

[B]

All. Now, I know y' all been hearing me talk about it lately, but it's.

[C]

Basically like having a food coach in a box. Everything I need for a nutritious meal arrives at my door with properly packaged, fresh, organic ingredients. And the meals are balanced, but they are never boring. I actually have loved every single one that I've tried. Now I love being able to switch it up, play with ingredients that I don't usually buy, and actually, actually get back into enjoying the process again. And getting the four person plan leaves plenty of leftovers for easy meal prep for me.

[B]

That's the one I like to get.

[C]

Now, what I'm loving most is that Green Chef helps me stay consistent. Even when I'm visiting family in Louisiana with a bunch of picky eaters. My mom and my brother. Everybody's happy because there's always something flavorful to try. It feels good knowing that I'm nourishing my body, but also enjoying the food and sharing it with the people I love love. So if you're ready to fuel your body and keep meal time Fun, head to greenchef.com 50 affirmations and use my code 50 affirmations for 50% off your first month plus 20% off for two months with free shipping. Green Chef healthy, flavorful meals that meet.

[B]

You where you are.

[C]

So let me ask you guys a couple of serious questions. Do your joints feel older than you? And do you really know what's going on inside of your body? Yeah, me either, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

Now y' all know whenever I go home to Louisiana, family time is everything to me. When we're all together, I'm always so.

[B]

Grateful for that quality time.

[C]

It always reminds me to take care of myself so that I can keep making memories with the people I love for years to come. And I'm ready to get even more serious about that. So I just learned about True Diagnostic and their truage. True health test, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

This ain't nothing like a grade school test, okay? But the more research I do on it, the more I'm interested. Did you know that a single painless finger prick at home can lead you to over 180 personalized insights into your health and how you're aging? On one hand, TruHealth runs tests to look over 100 biomarkers, which is stuff like your vitamin levels and nutrient balance, your immune system, and even stuff like.

[B]

Gut and cognitive health.

[C]

On the other hand, true age goes even deeper, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

Their test shows your biological age, which is the pace of your aging. And it shows how important organs and systems like your heart, your brain, your liver, and your immune system are aging. Which means I'm 30 years old and my biological age could be more than 30, or it can even be less than 30 years old. And this test will help to show me where I'm at.

[B]

So this is a full snapshot of.

[C]

How your body's really doing on the inside. And with an easy to read report and personalized recommendations, I honestly feel like.

[B]

This is a tool that can help.

[C]

Me actually stay on top of my health and put energy into the right habits where I'm not just guessing all the time. So if you want to dig a little deeper and if you're serious about living healthier and longer, visit truediagnostic.com and use my code affirmations for 20% off your entire order or subscription. That's truediagnostic.com code affirmations for 20% off YOUR future self will thank you.

[B]

Digital boundaries are still boundaries and they can look different for everyone. I think since I live far away from home, you guys know I live in Los Angeles, which is it take me a day to get back to Louisiana and most of my family is here. It's easy for me to fall into the habit of always picking up the phone, always responding, and sometimes they can't. That can abuse access. I'm not there to show that I actually do care. So I show that I care by answering the phone when I'm called, by responding in the group message, even when the messages that are sent aren't directly talking to me, like if, let's just say sometimes they'll send like funny memes or updates or something. That doesn't have anything to do with me. It has everything to do with what's going on at home at the moment. Sometimes I'll respond just so they know, hey, I'm still here, I'm still present, and it's overwhelming sometimes. So this has been like three, three years now. I have been making sure that I am utilizing that do not disturb feature and Managing people's expectations. Before we even get into the do not disturb feature, one thing that for both me and my brother, one thing that we have set as a hard boundary with family is if there is bad news to be shared, I don't want to hear it from anyone other than my mama or my daddy, and God forbid, but if it includes either or both of them, the next step up is a grandparent. I don't ever want to hear bad news from in one of my aunts or a family friend. I don't ever want to do that because there I just have too many touch points to people who are closer to me than these people. So when I do hear news from those people, I feel like I. In the past, I have felt like my parents are trying to keep it from me. And I don't need that because I know that that's not the case. Especially in the south, small towns, it's a lot of bad news. People love to share bad news as soon as they hear about. They don't think about going through a proper channel for this, for this news to be delivered to a person. So that is a boundary that I set years ago. And I. The great thing about this is my family has really been keeping up with this, especially when my grandmother died. They didn't. Nobody called me out of line. And I'm actually. I'm glad that they actually made sure that they did that. But in a general sense, setting those boundaries when things happen is super important, especially for me, because I live all the way across the country. I do not want to hear this from you. I want to hear from my mama or my daddy. Point blank, period, the end. And that you don't have to understand it. That's it. I don't want you calling me, telling me about who in the town has passed away or who has gotten sick or the drama. I don't want to hear that from any of y' all because it 1. It has nothing to do with me. And I was also having this conversation with my friend Jessica. We recently. She's a high school friend, actually, and we went out to a bar the other day and we were just talking about this because a lot of people from our small town will just call with bad news that has nothing to do with us. And that is stressful. And it's. It's something that they can't grasp completely. And I get that. But don't call me with it. Share with somebody else. I don't need to know. I don't want to know it has nothing to do with me or my livelihood or my relatives. I don't need to know. And that's just how it needs to be. So she was telling me that her husband has gotten to the point where he will stop his mom dead in her tracks when she's telling him something like bad news or whatever that has nothing to do with him and he'll say, this has nothing to do with me. I'm hanging up. And now she's getting accustomed to, okay, I'm not going to share this stuff with him. Because you have to. Sometimes you have to take drastic measures. Even if it is like a parent or whatever, you have to take drastic measures because your piece has is most important. I don't want to receive bad news every day. I don't, I don't even want to receive bad news once a week, once a month, especially if it has nothing to do with me. I don't need to retain that information. So it's important to set those boundaries. Another side of that is since I am an actress and I don't have a full time job, some of my family members, my extended family, like my aunties, for example, my aunts, I say aunties, y', all, they would call me at random times of the day for nothing, just to ask me a question that they could have asked on Google. So living away, I'm answering the phone because I don't know what they're calling for. But now I keep my phone on do not Disturb during the day to limit that access and manage people's expectations who are used to just calling me 24 7. So I have Focus mode set on my phone and I'm going to run you guys through my routine because ever since I did this, I have a lot more clarity throughout the day. I don't get these unexpected phone calls. I'm able to just pick up my phone when I'm ready to pick my phone and then look through the messages and the missed calls and see who I want to respond to. So at 10pm my phone goes into sleep mode. And when my phone is in sleep mode, the only people who can get through sleep mode are people who are in my favorites. And in my favorites right now are my mom and my daddy, my brother, my grandparents, and a couple of other people who can get through. My phone is in sleep mode until 8am and then once 8am hit, my alarm goes off at like 7:00'. Clock. But once 8am hits and I do need to change this one because my routine has changed recently. But my Phone goes directly into fitness mode. Now, in fitness mode, I allow messages to come through, but I don't allow phone calls and I don't allow any social media notifications. I can get messages. That's from 8am to 9am From 9am to 11am, my phone is open. It's not on do not disturb, all of that type of stuff. But at 11am, my phone goes into work mode, and only my mama, my daddy, and my brother can get through on work mode. And anytime I do something like meditate or if I'm reading a book on audible, my phone automatically goes into a personal mode, which doesn't let any. Anybody through. This is my personal time, and I'm really only in personal mode for maybe an hour at a time. So I can have my phone on do not disturb completely until then. So no people can get through, no notifications, nothing. This phone is just for me to meditate or to read this book at this time. And I also have another mode that I can just click to whenever I. I want to. And it's a social media mode where I have it set that all social notifications are blocked. Not messaging, but Instagram, Snapchat. I don't even use Snapchat. I don't know why I said that. But all of those things are blocked during that time, and I can't get any notifications. Now, I love having my phone in these focus modes, and it has definitely managed people's access to me. The only thing is sometimes people. Now that people know that you can double call to get through, I do have that turned off, especially during sleep mode. You can't double call to get through. The only people that can get through are my favorites. My. Yeah, my favorites can get through at night, but that's about it. And the other thing about my phone, I keep my rare receipts on. I keep my rare receipts on. And I also keep. There's a new feature. It's not super new, but in a general sense, it's newer. You can have your focus. Your focus receipts on. So, like, if your phone is on do not disturb, it will show up at the bottom of the message thread for. For iPhone users, it'll say, like, tyra's phone is on do not disturb, so you know that our notifications are silenced is what it says. It'll show them that. So they'll know that's the first barrier right there. And you just have to train people. It's crazy that we have to do this, y', all, but you just have to train people to Know when you do not want to be contacted. So I try to do my due diligence. Whenever I see my friends things said that they have a focus mode set or their notifications are off. Okay, I'm not gonna bother you, but I love having my rare receipts on so people can know that I read their message. Most of the time, when people see that I have read their message, they'll just leave it at that. And if it's been, like, days, then they'll say, girl, I saw you read my message. I need you to respond if it's something that's important. But other times people say, oh, I saw you read the message, so I know that you got got the message, and that's all that it needs to be. And I think that it is very important. Like, you can be different. Some people are like, no, I don't want my rare receipts on because people see that I saw the message, then it's going to give me anxiety because I think I need to respond to each their own. I leave mine on because I want you to see that I saw it. Don't contact me again when it's off. You don't know if I saw it. So if you have something that you think is timely that I need to hurry up and respond to, and you're like, oh, their rare receipts aren't on. You may send another message. That's how I think about it. Some people think about it the other way, and that's totally fine. But whatever you need to do to protect your piece, baby, that's what you need to do, y'.

[C]

All. Do y' all feel that breeze in the air? The weather is starting to cool down, and the days are getting shorter. And I want my apartment to feel like a cozy little retreat, y'.

[B]

All.

[C]

That's why Wave Hair has been my go to. And September is my birthday month, y'. All, and I always take the opportunity to. To pour some extra love into my space.

[B]

Y' all know how I am.

[C]

So I just upgraded my kitchen with.

[B]

Bar chairs from Wayfair, and let me.

[C]

Tell you, y', all, they complement my new wallpaper so perfectly, and they add.

[B]

The perfect pop of color.

[C]

Now every time I walk past, I stop and I smile.

[B]

It's those small details that pull the.

[C]

Whole room together and make it feel like me. That's what I love about Wayfair. It doesn't matter if you're into bold statement pieces, neutrals, or you just want a subtle seasonal touch. They've got a huge curated selection that fits every budget and every vibe, plus free and fast shipping, even on the big stuff. My chairs came in two days, and with fall creeping in, I've been inspired to keep layering in cozy touches like candles, throw blankets, and little accent pieces that make my place feel even warmer. So now is the perfect time to cozify your space before fall really starts to settle in. From warm bedding and all autumn throw pillows to espresso machines for that perfect homemade latte. They've got everything you need to make your home feel like a safe space that you deserve. So cheers to another year, another cozy refresh, and a little more Wayfair sparkle. Cozify your space with Wayfair's curated collection of easy, affordable fall updates. From comfy recliners to cozy bedding and autumn decor. Find it all for way [e-mail] thanks. That's W-A-Y-F-A-I-R.com Wayfair Every style, every home.

[B]

So I know fall just started and summer was definitely a time where people are inviting you to all the things. The cookouts, the birthday parties, the girl trips, the family reunions, all of that stuff. And I know that FOMO is a real thing, y', all, and it but it never goes away because there's always something happening. Especially with me living in la, my LA friends, y', all, since I've been home, they have put me in so many chats, sent me so many party fools about things happening at the end of the year. And here's one thing that I will say. The pressure to always show up will always be there. And it is important to pick and choose wisely what you want to attend. So I think one thing that I didn't do in my 20s, whenever I was invited to stuff, I would try to show up because I'm like, oh, you invited me. You really want me to be there? And that was the only marker that I kept in mind when I was just deciding to go to stuff. And the issue that I had was that I wasn't giving my time myself, time to rest. And that's something that I really want to lean into a lot more in my 30s. I definitely started leaning more into resting and saying no in my late 20s. But I want to make sure that I am wholeheartedly doing that in my 30s in a way that makes sense. Me and Bria were talking about this because she's also home right now too, y', all, so we've been having a lot more time to just, just talk and just Be we were talking about community and there is this divide because there are people who are like super self centric or me centric and saying, well, I'm not doing nothing I want to do, I don't care, I'm not inconvenience to myself, all of that. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is when you genuinely need rest, you have to assess the situation. I'm not saying if, if your friend wedding is this weekend and you being new about and you're like, well I'm tired, I need to get some sleep and you don't go to the wedding, you're a bad friend. Sometimes having community and massaging your community does mean that you will inconvenience yourself. And that is the price you pay to have community. And I think we've now moved into a stage of culture or societal culture, a societal norm really where people don't want to inconvenience themselves at all. And that's just not how community building works. But what I'm saying here is when you genuinely need rest, the people who are in your community will understand that. And you need to make sure that you are making a conscious effort to show up for your community if it's somebody that you want in, in said community. Okay?

[C]

And.

[B]

But on the flip side of that, something that I struggled with was saying no to people in my 20s. Because sometimes when you say no to people, people like to label you as antisocial. Especially if you said no to their last, let's say two things that they had. If you have a friend that likes to host and you said no to the last two get togethers, they may start to label you as antisocial. And a lot of people like to say use antisocial in a sense of it being the incorrect term. Here's the truth. Choosing rest and choosing peace, choosing not to run yourself ragged, that is not being antisocial, that is being self aware. There's this unspoken pressure, especially as black women, to always be the life of the party, to always show up with a smile, to always be down for every trip, to always be down for every dinner, every group chat plan. And when you don't, people start to side eye you or guilt trip you or ask you stuff like what's wrong with you today? This happens to me more often than not because I am genuinely are generally a very extroverted person. But sometimes I want to chill. Not often, but sometimes I definitely want to chill. And I see it time and time again. People will be like, are you okay? Because I'm not running around screaming at the top of my lungs, laughing real loud and all of this stuff. But sometimes I just want to rest. I don't want to run myself record. I might still show up, but that may mean my energy is a little lower than it normally is because my energy is so high so often, and that should be okay. And that's why it burns me up when people use the word antisocial incorrectly. Antisocial literally means against society. Like someone who rejects societal norms or acts in harmful ways. That's what antisocial means. That's not the same thing as choosing rest. It's not the same thing as protecting your peace. What they usually mean to say is asocial, which is simply not feeling like being a social butterfly in the moment. And you know what? That's okay too. And it's normal. So, no, I'm not antisocial because I said no, I don't want to come to your thing. I'm not against society. I am just a woman who knows her limits, who knows when I need to rest, who honors her capacity. Amen. And chooses peace over the pressure of showing up. But also hear me here when I say this. There's nothing wrong with you. Saying no to something that will drain you doesn't make you anti social, it makes you wise. It means that you know your limits and you choose to honor them. Because the truth is, every yes you give when you're exhausted or overstretched is really saying no to yourself. So let them call you antisocial if they want to, even though they clearly don't know. Don't know the definitions of that word. You know the difference between isolating yourself and intentionally creating space for your peace. One is avoidance and the other is self preservation. And over here, we are choosing self preservation every single time. So I want you to check in with yourself before committing to go to things moving forward. You can ask yourself, do I actually want to go yes? Simple yes or no. Do I have the capacity to go yes or no? Will this cause me stress whether it's financial or otherwise? And also ask yourself, will this pour life into me or pull from me? And then ask yourself, is it important for me to show up for this person in this moment? That's going to be important as well. Because like I said, sometimes you don't have to do things that you don't really want to do for the sake of community and for the sake of the people that you rock with. I'm not always gung ho about going to everybody thing. But if they're my friend and I want to support them, I am assessing how I feel.

[C]

If I just feel a little tired.

[B]

Because I went to bed at Midnight instead of 10pm, I will survive. But if I've had a very hard week, a week that has really just ran me into the ground, or I'm dealing with something heavy emotionally, I may not be able to show up in that moment. But I'm going to make sure that I am having an open conversation with my friend. And that's why communication is also soon important in community building. I'm going to have a conversation with my friend and let them know what is going on. That is also just as important.

[C]

You shouldn't feel like you have to.

[B]

Perform in your social relationships. You don't owe anybody a 247 version of yourself and you don't have to over explain when you just want some quiet time. Saying no when your spirit says no is not selfish, it's self preservation. Protecting your peace in social spaces isn't about cutting people off or disappearing. It's about intention. It's about choosing where you give your energy and trusting that the people who really love you will respect those boundaries. So let them call you antisocial if they want to because you know the truth. Truth. You're not antisocial. You're self aware. You are a woman or a person. If you're not a woman, you are a person who knows their limits, honors their capacity and refuses to apologize for choosing peace over pressure. Every message doesn't deserve a response. Every invitation doesn't need a yes. And every season doesn't require your constant presence. Allow people to love you within the boundaries you've set, not through the exhaustion you've been surviving with. Because at the end of the day your peace is your priority and protecting it is the most radical act of self care that you can give yourself. Oh y', all, you know what time it is. It is time for our fun closing segment. And today's segment is called Would you rather this is the social edition y'. All. This one is quite fun. Okay, so I got three questions here. Well, three either ors. Would you rather go to an all day event or hit three smaller functions in one day? Baby, I ain't going to lie. I would rather hit three smaller functions in one day. And let me tell you why, because especially with me living in LA day, I have a lot of subsets of friends who don't know each other. So it's more likely that There will be multiple events on one day and if I go to an all day event, 9 times out of 10 another friend is having an event and I'm going to miss something. But also, even if it's an all day event, it don't matter. I don't have to stay at the event all day anyways. I would rather go to three smaller functions because the way that my personality is set up, if I'm outside, I'm outside. If I'm inside, I am inside. Okay? So I more than likely will have the energy to go to those three smaller functions in the one day. Number two voice note, reply or a full five paragraph text. Okay, now this depends on who it is. If it is one of my friends. Like if it's Anastasia, my friend Anastasia loves sending voice, voice, voice notes and I truly appreciate that. I love listening to them like they podcast and I will also send a long voice note as well. But if it's like a guy that I'm talking to, I would rather text because I think I am more intentional with my words whenever they are actually written versus me saying them. And I tend to ramble a lot. And nine times out of 10, if it's a guy that I'm just talking, starting to talk to, I want to be concise. Even if the message is long, I still want it to be concise. But I like both of these depending on the person. Now last one, a one on one brunch with a bestie or a quick group happy hour with work acquaintances. Girl, what? Brunch 10, 10 times out of 10, 100 of the time. A quick happy hour with work acquaintances. Why? See, and that's the thing. I don't have a job. I don't have a real job. So I can't say that if I was trying to climb the corporate ladder, this would be more of a strategy move, a strategic move for me because I need to get to know these people. Because if I'm trying to climb the ladder, I need to know what is what, right? But for Tyra, a one on one brunch with a bestie. Me and Alexis do this often. We always go out to eat together and I just love it. And it just be the two of us and we order what we want, we get what we want, we go to all these new restaurants, we, we explore. I absolutely love a one on one brunch. I like a brunch with more than one person. But one thing that I will say that I don't like is a huge group dinner brunch whatever. I don't really like big old group dinners, like 10 plus people. That's too much for me. Let's go to somebody house or let's go somewhere that is catered. That is more than just us sitting at a table and eating because there's too many of us at that point. But yeah, those are my would you Rathers. I had fun today, y'. All. I hope you guys enjoyed this episode. This is something that I have been wanting to talk about for literally a couple of years. It's so crazy. I. I left that original group chat in like 2018, 2019, something like that. Maybe it's 2018, honestly. And I haven't looked back and it has been such a freeing experience. I will say I still talk to the girls, but in a different capacity. I don't need so many people to have 24. 7 access to me. That's it. I needed to put up that boundary and I did. And I'm so glad that I did. And I hope that this has inspired you to make some shifts in your life in places where you see an opportunity for growth or an opportunity to switch it up a little bit. And with that being said, that's all that I have for you guys today. Make sure that you join us again next week. Subscribe to our YouTube channel. If you haven't already rate the podcast, please give us five stars. I want to be Apple top 100 this year. Leave us a review.

[C]

I do read them.

[B]

I do. On whatever platform you listen on. Please leave us a review. And I want to thank you guys so much for listening. I will see you guys again next week. No, I will see you guys for Pep Talk Wednesday. Actually, I'll see you for Pep talk Wednesday this week. Thank you guys. Thank you guys so much for listening.

[C]

This is affirmations for black girls.

[D]

A BetterHelp ad. Lewis Capaldi partnered with BetterHelp to get word out about how important therapy can be.

[E]

I struggle most weeks to, like, get up, get myself up and ready and go to therapy or, you know, whatever. Like, even like opening the laptop to talk to my therapist sometimes can be really difficult. But I do it because I realize how important it is for me to continue to feel good. I felt the best I felt in a long time through therapy.

[D]

Learn more about online [e-mail].