← Affirmations for Black Girls
Affirmations for Black Girls
429 | You Are the Prize: Dating with Standards and Non-Negotiables | Pep Talk Wednesdays
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It's Kelly Clarkson here to talk all things Wayfair. The best place to buy furniture, decor and anything else you can think of to create a home you absolutely love. I know when I shop with Wayfair, I find options for every style. Whether I'm feeling boho or farmhouse, modern, traditional, French country, I can find exactly what I need for my home and more. No matter your space, style or budget. Shopwayfair.com to make your home way more you Wayfair Every style, every home a BetterHelp ad Louis Capaldi partnered with BetterHelp to get word out about how important therapy can be. I struggle most weeks to like, get up, get myself up and ready and go to therapy or, you know, whatever. Like even like opening the laptop to talk to my therapist sometimes can be really difficult, but I do it because I realise how important it is for me to continue to feel good. I felt the best I felt a long time through therapy. Learn more about online therapy@betterhelp.com Now, I heard that some of y' all were out here accepting things that you wouldn't even let slide from a food delivery driver, let alone a potential partner. Now, I will be the first one to say that sometimes I find myself in the same boat, y'. All. But I think it's about time we open our eyes because the bar is on the floor and it's been on the floor and we cannot keep doing this. We have to dismantle this weird dating culture and get back to dating with standards, setting up those non negotiables and standing firm. Because from this day forward we are done accepting the bare minimum. Powerful. Few things are as powerful. Few things are as powerful as power. What is going on? Beautiful people. Welcome back to another pep Talk Wednesday. I am Tyra the creative, your host and virtual cheerleader for the day, delivering a midweek pick me up that you have been craving. Get ready for some encouraging words and a dose of inspiration to brighten your day. Ready? Okay. When it comes to dating, not everyone is created equal. Non negotiables are about values, safety and respect, while preferences should be the sprinkles on top of life. Now, there is a clear difference between non negotiables and preferences. And the way it makes sense in my head is that non negotiables are must haves that protect your values, your safety and your wellbeing. While preferences are the nice things to have that enhance the relationship but aren't necessarily essential and can also change based on the person that you date and your experiences that you've had in past relationship. So I think this is the foundation of making sure that we are dating with standards. Knowing the difference between the two, okay? Because not knowing the difference between the two and we're going to touch on that, it can be dangerous in the relationship game. But knowing the difference between the two will help you set yourself up for success. So again, non negotiables are things that are foundational and related to our values and respect and our safety. Those are things like trustworthiness, if they're honest in their words and their actions and reliability. Respect. Does that man treat you with dignity and honors your boundaries that you have set? Does he respect your time? Someone who cancels last minute or treats you like an option is a no go. And also because I just thought about this. Non negotiables are your deal breakers. If this thing is broken, the deal is done. It's over with. Right? So emotional availability can be a non negotiable. A partner must be able to communicate openly and handle important conversations. Non negotiables can also be around those core values and goal alignment. So big picture differences like wanting or not wanting kids, identity. I just had a friend who ended a relationship because the woman that he was dating didn't want kids. But they started dating when they were younger. So he didn't necessarily think that he can change her, but he was still feeling it out. That's why non negotiables are so important because now he is hurting. But she said that up front that hey, I don't want kids. That is a deal breaker, y'. All. At my big age of 31, if a man tell me that he don't want kids, but he is still around here trying to date me and I have expressed that I would like to have kids. I'm running, okay? I am running because all that's gonna do is create stress when I actually do want to end up having kids. So do your goals align career priorities, especially living in la? Everybody is. Their careers are way more of a priority than anything else. At least that's how it feels. And that's how that's what my experience has been so far. Lifestyle choices that create long term compatibility, okay, those are all non negotiables and they are different for each and every one of us. Again, emotional availability. Are they able to hold space for your feelings? Can they communicate openly and transparently? Can they handle conflict without shutting down? Can y' all talk y' all selves through a conflict that you are having? Are you on the same team when you're talking through that conflict. Do you have shared values? Send me other priorities in life, Your faith, other core beliefs. What are your core beliefs? If you don't know that baby, you don't need to be dating, okay? Safety. Are you physically, emotional and psychologically safe in this relationship? Commitment and intent. Do you have alignment with those long term goals that we just mentioned? Reciprocity in effort and care, which means mutual giving. And it's not just one sided. Is there integrity, consistency between your words and your actions? Do they respect your boundaries and do they maintain their own boundaries? And the last one that I wrote here is financial responsibility. Do they manage their money in ways that show stability and accountability? And on the flip side of all of this, before I even continue, are these non negotiables. If you said oh yeah, that, that, that are these things that you also exhibit on your end? Because one thing that I have realized over the course of dating is that I cannot ask a man to provide things of this nature in a relationship that I am not providing myself. That makes me a hypocrite. So I have been working on making sure that yes, I know, that I am the prize. Everybody is the prize, right? In a general sense, everyone has something that makes people want them. But everyone should be dating with standards and everyone should have non negotiables. And that's why it's so important to know what yours are so that you can respect the other person as well and have these conversations to know what it is and what it ain't gonna be right now, preferences, on the other hand, these are things that are like the sprinkles on top of life. Like we just said, they're the nice things to have. So things like shared lifestyle habits. So if you guys have similar routines, household habits, or similar sleep schedules, for example, if he a truck driver, he gotta get up at 2 o' clock in the morning. But you're a chef and you gotta work early in the morning till late at night. How does that fit for you? And it's a preference thing. So it can be different from person to person. It's more subject subjective. Your financial style, this one is huge for me. Someone whose approach to money compliments yours. But small differences can be worked out in that way. So I was talking to my best friend and she was talking about how in her marriage, her husband handles all of the financial more logical stuff and she handles more of the creative side of things. So I'm gonna give you an example. So if they're going on vacation, he makes sure that the budget is tight, she makes sure that they have fun. And I love that so much because it complements one another. It's not saying, oh, I'm gonna push all of this off on you. No. What part of this thing am I going to take the lead on? And what part of this thing are you gonna take the lead on? Another type of preference can be your hobbies and interests, which are like shared activities or things that you like. Like shared activities are great, but it's not actually required for a healthy relationship. Some other ones that I wrote down for preferences, height or body type. Baby, I want my man to be six five. Okay, he can. Body type doesn't really necessarily. I don't have a huge, huge preference on that. But the height I do. But I have constantly had to date outside of that because it's not an anomaly to find a guy that's six five. But I can't sit there and say, oh, this man, he ticks all the boxes of my non negotiables. But he ain't 6 5, so I can't date him. Baby, we cannot continue to do that. And there's a lot of people out here who do, and to each their own. But I'm not in a space in my life where I can continue to make decisions like that because I'm trying to get married and I'm trying to have kids and have a family. I'm 31 years old, baby. Okay, some other preferences like their fashion sense or their style, their favorite foods or their diet choice. When I was dating a guy, y' all know I talk about him all the time. But with the guy that I moved out to California with, when I started dating him, like a month into us dating, he was like, I'm about to go vegan. And I was like, this is so stupid. And then I ended up going vegan with him. And that's the pool of preferences, right? It can change based on your experience and based on the person. So I started out saying that this was stupid, but then I gave it a try and I was like, you know what, it's actually fun for now. It's not something that I want to do forever. And who knows? We both eventually stopped being vegan, but who knows if he would have continued a vegan lifestyle, how that would have affected me wanting to be in that relationship. Right? Your travel habits or your vacation style is a preference. If you're extroverted versus introverted, your personality, music, social habits, like if you are the going out type of person versus A staying in type of person. Your pet preferences? Dogs. Cats. Cats are cute. I don't know if I can date a cat person. One, I am allergic to cats in some way and two, cats, they don't like humans. And you cannot convince me that they do love them. I love them from afar, but I don't know if I could live with a cat. And that's a personal preference. Another thing is a sense of humor or playful quirks. I don't like people who are overly sarcastic, but one of my friends, she loves a sarcastic man. I can't read sarcasm, so my preference is you can't be that sarcastic. You can be witty and funny. I love a man that can make me deep belly laugh. But sarcasm is something that I can't really get jiggy with. And it is a preference, y'. All. So knowing the difference between preferences and non negotiables are super important. I know a lot of us see all of these conversations on Instagram about what you should expect. If you should go to McDonald's on a date, go to Cheesecake Factory, all of that stuff. First of all, I hate it. I hate all of that discourse online because to each their freaking own. We make too many hasty generalizations. We jump to too many conclusions based off of 120 characters that somebody has written on the Internet. And I just like to stay out of it. But the one thing that I will say is knowing the differences between non negotiables and preferences is the jumping off point to having healthier conversation and healthier relationships and healthier dialogue between dating partners. I think we have now put social media in the middle of this and I've been on dates where guys will ask me, well, what do you think about this? What do you think about Kevin Samuels? What do you think about this? I don't want to talk about that with you. I'm trying to get to know you. I'm trying to share my non negotiables. I am trying to hear yours. I'm also trying to hear your preferences so we can see if we are a good fit to continue this thing. And also, I'm not trying to treat this first date as an interview. So let's just vibe. Let's just see if we actually like. I think that's something that we don't spend enough time doing, figuring out if you actually like this person. Sometimes we can get tunnel vision. And when we confuse our non negotiables and preferences, it often leads to disappointment because you might start settling for someone who checks all your Nice to have your preference boxes, but fails to meet your essential needs. And the reason that this is so detrimental is because, first of all, you can be in this thing for a while before you start to realize, oh, I feel unfulfilled. Oh, I feel frustrated. Oh, I feel unsafe in this relationship. Because you let those preferences take precedent over those non negotiables. Remember, those non negotiables are the deal breakers. And we need to. First of all, we need to love ourselves enough to have the boundary set to, hey, if my non negotiable. And I'm talking about true non negotiables, y', all, because we know what we be doing. Sometimes we be talking about stuff and saying that this is a non negotiable. Like, oh, my non negotiable is, he can't be lighter than a paper bag. I'm just throwing out a crazy example to show you. Some people do say things like that, and then they want to stand ten toes deep in it, and it's like, baby girl, there are more important things in life than this. And on the flip side of that, there are also people. I've been in situations like this. There are also us who will be like, oh, okay, I know that you have said that your non negotiable is, I can't be lighter than a paper bag. Oh, well, I fit that. Let me try to make sure that I keep this relationship because I fit that. I am that. I think it's very important for us to always, always, always assess what is going on. So making sure that we know our non negotiables and know the difference between that and our preferences. Focusing on your preferences is like focusing on the sprinkles on top of a cupcake while ignoring the flavor of the actual cake itself. Like, you like, oh, I like sprinkles and I like buttercream frosting. I ain't worrying that this cupcake is carrot. Okay? It's all right. I love sprinkles and I love buttercream. But everything may look appealing at first, but then you take a bite and you're like, ew, it got carrot in here. No matter how many sprinkles, no matter how much icing is on there, you still gonna taste that carrot cake and you still gonna be like, dang, it's just leaving an aftertaste in my mouth. It may look appealing at first, but it can't support a healthy and lasting connection to focus on your preferences. And I think this differentiation is very important with walking in the idea that you are the prize. Knowing what you should and should not put up with in a healthy way. And also taking a step back and confronting yourself when you are conflating materialistic or frivolous things. I think it's very important. So a solo reflection prompt that I have for you guys is what do you need? What do you actually need in general, what do you need and what do you want? Get into the habit of knowing the difference between a need and a want and then we can start talking about those non negotiables and those preferences in more detail. Y', all. Listen, meal prepping is hard. And don't even get me started about how expensive it is to hire a nutritionist just to figure out what you should be eating. My goal is always to eat right, but I refuse to sacrifice flavor, baby. And sometimes I fall off. I do hit workouts, boxing, and even run the occasional 5k, but when I don't fuel my body properly, I can feel it. I'll mess up around and get overwhelmed, start skipping meals and then wonder why I'm dragging through the day. And as I'm getting older, it is even more important to nourish my body properly so I don't hurt myself. So, Green Chef has lowkey been a game changer, y'? All. Now, I know y' all have been hearing me talk about it lately, but it's basically like having a food coach in a box. Everything I need for a nutritious meal arrives at my door with properly packaged, fresh, organic, organic ingredients. And the meals are balanced, but they're never boring. I actually have loved every single one that I've tried. Now I love being able to switch it up, play with ingredients that I don't usually buy, and actually get back into enjoying the process again. And getting the four person plan leaves plenty of leftovers for easy meal prep. For me, that's the one I like to get. Now, what I'm loving most is that Green Chef helps me stay consistent. Even when I'm visiting family in Louisiana with a bunch of picky eaters, my mom and my brother. Everybody's happy because because there's always something flavorful to try. It feels good knowing that I'm nourishing my body, but also enjoying the food and sharing it with the people I love. So if you're ready to fuel your body and keep meal time Fun, head to greenchef.com 50 affirmations and use my code 50 affirmations for 50% off your first month plus 20% off for two months with free shipping Green Chef. Healthy, flavorful meals that meet you where you are. So let me ask you guys a couple of serious questions. Do your joints feel older than you? And do you really know what's going on inside of your body? Yeah, me either, y'. All. Now, y' all know whenever I go home to Louisiana, family time is everything to me. When we're all together, I'm always so grateful for that quality time. It always reminds me to take care of myself so that I can keep making memories with the people I love for years to come. And I'm ready to get even more serious about that. So I just learned about TRU Diagnostic and their Truage Truhealth test. Y'. All. This ain't nothing like a grade school test, okay? But the more research I do on it, the more I'm interested. Did you know that a single painless finger prick at home can lead you to over 180 personalized insights into your health and how you're aging? On one hand, Tru Health runs tests to look over 100 biomarkers, which is stuff like your vitamin levels and nutrient balance, your immune system, and even stuff like gut and cognitive health. On the other hand, Truage goes even deeper, y'. All. Their test shows your biological age, which is the pace of your aging. And it shows how important organs and systems like your heart, your brain, your liver, and your immune system system are aging. Which means I'm 30 years old, and my biological age could be more than 30, or it can even be less than 30 years old. And this test will help to show me where I'm at. So this is a full snapshot of how your body's really doing on the inside. And with an easy to read report and personalized recommendations, I honestly feel like this is a tool that can help me actually stay on top of my health and put energy into. Into the right habits where I'm not just guessing all the time. So if you want to dig a little deeper and if you're serious about living healthier and longer, visit truediagnostic.com and use my code affirmations for 20% off your entire order or subscription. That's truediagnostic.com code affirmations for 20% off YOUR future self will. Thank you. Now, y' all know I love to host, right? So a few weeks ago, I turned my apartment into an ice cream parlor, and I named my ice cream parlor Honey Child. And listen, y', all, when I host stuff, I do not play small, okay? I ordered a whole slushy machine and an ice cream maker which were obviously non negotiables for this event. Add in the grocery bills, the festive cups, the little details like sprinkle decals on the wall baby. It started to add up quick. But all of those purchases weren't just for one afternoon of fun. They were also helping me invest in my future. Thanks to to the Chime Credit Builder Secured Visa Credit Card Chime understands that every dollar counts. When you set up direct deposit, you get access to fee free features like getting paid up to two days early and access to over 47,000 fee free ATMs. Every swipe I made for this party was actually helping me build my credit score. Okay, now it feels great knowing that something as simple as hosting my friends can also contribute to my long term stability. Chime honestly lets me have it all y'. All. I get to live my life fully in the moment and take small steps towards a future where my credit is strong and I feel secure. So whether you're planning your own party, stocking up for the back to school season, or just making your very regular degular runs to the grocery store, don't sleep on how the little things can add up. So if you're ready to make your everyday purchases count and start working on your financial goals, listen up. Make everyday purchases count with Chime Secured Credit Builder Visa Credit Card Work on your financial goals through Chime Today open an account@chime.com affirmations that's chime.com affirmations Chime feels like progress. Chime is a financial technology company, not a bank. Banking services and debit card provided by the Bancorp Bank NA or Stride Bank NA members FDIC spot and eligibility requirements and overdraft limits apply. Timing depends on submission of payment file fees. Apply it out of network ATMs, bank ranking and number of ATMs according to U.S. news and World Report 2023 Chime checking account required Sometimes settling feels easier than holding out and waiting on the right thing. We tell ourselves this will do. It's better than nothing. And suddenly we are accepting way less than we deserve. But why do we do that? Why do we constantly settle for the bare minimum? And I'll give you one guess. Okay, I'm gonna tell you. Fear. The fear of loneliness. We are scared to be alone. So we compromise on what truly matters just to have somebody in our lives. And I've done that. I fell into that cycle very early on in high school. The guy that I was dating in high school, I dated all the way through high school, and I just didn't want to be alone. I also didn't want to fail. I had a fear of failure. And that manifested in the relationships that I kept for way longer than I should have. And also the fear of being too much. A lot of times we worry about our standards being too high or that we're asking too much of somebody. So instead of waiting for someone who truly aligns with our values, we shrink ourselves to fit someone else's. And then we also have the fear of running all the time. This is something that I'm really struggling with now as I am getting into my 30s. I'm 31 now. We feel the pressure from our age, from our biological clock, from social expectations or life timelines to make a relationship happen. And a lot of times, it happens at the expense of what's really right for us. Now, all of this, especially for black women, is deeply tied to cultural narratives. There's a constant messaging that we need to lower our expectations, settle or accept less than so that we can have a man or we can start that family. And if we push back, we're a lot of times made to feel like we're being unrealistic or ungrateful. There's also this better or nothing, better than nothing trap that shows up in very small ways and sometimes in big ways. Dating someone who doesn't match your emotional availability, tolerating disrespect, or ignoring red flags you already know are there, is that better than nothing trap? And I know a lot of y' all have seen this picture on Instagram, but the one where Jesus has a bear, a big old teddy bear behind his back, and there's a little girl, and she has a little ratter, tattered teddy bear, and he's asking her to give up that teddy bear. She can't see what's behind his back. A lot of us end up in that same position. And it is scary. I'm gonna be the first one to say it's scary because there have been times in my life where I'm like, why doesn't this man love me? Why doesn't he want to be with me? What is the issue? I really, really love him. I want to be with him. So why does he want to be with me? And God is saying bigger. God is saying better. But God is waiting on you to give up that rat or tatter little bitty itty teddy bear so he can truly bless you beyond measure. And it is so scary. But we gotta put our faith where our mouth is, okay? We have to do it. And I just. I challenge you guys to try to do that today. And just make sure that you're doing it from a place of authenticity. Make sure you're doing it from a place of. I'm making sure that I am checking on the boxes. I'm making sure that I am not worried about the material things. I'm not worried about anything frivolous. You're doing it from a place of God, I'm truly giving this all to youo. I am putting my burden at the altar for you to take care of this, for you to bless me in this way. I know you will not leave me out in the wilderness. And I know that you will bless me. We have to do it from a place of I'm ready to receive. I have done all that I can, and I'm giving it to you, Lord. It's very important. For example, y', all, I remember a moment, and I think I've told this story before, but I remember a moment that I realized that I was settling because we have to stop settling. Give up that rat or tatter teddy bear. Now. This is about the guy that I, obviously, that I moved to California with. We moved into our apartment and I was like, you know what? We have a nice apartment. We gotta furnish this thing. This man fought me tooth and nail, day in and day out about providing furniture for our apartment. Spoiler alert. Our mattress that we got off Facebook market for like $50 was on the floor for a whole year. Bed frames cost $100. I could not get this man to spend money on anything to make our space comfortable. That is a direct reflection of how that man feels about me. And I was so young and naive at the time that I didn't really put two and two together. But as I'm older, I wish I would ever settle for less in that way again. Because you got me bent. You got me bent all the way up. Okay? So when I was thinking about that, and we were. One day. I don't even know what we were fighting about. He would bring stuff in off the street, y'. All. All of the furniture that was in our apartment was off the street. Because I was also very hard headed. And I was like, well, I'm not gonna be the only one furnishing this apartment. It's not gonna happen. I bought like one or two things for the apartment, but other than that, I was like, well, we just not gonna have. Because I knew that me furnishing the apartment, that was one in my name, and that Two, he didn't pay rent on for the first six months. He ended up paying me back after that because I don't know where his money was going. The one thing that I said, I'm not about to be furnishing this apartment because this will piss me off every single day knowing that I bought everything up in this thing that we supposed to be splitting. He was always, we a team, we a team, we're a team. But those words did not align with his actions. And that in itself is integrity. That in itself is a non negotiable. That is something that I did not know for myself before I entered into that relationship. And that's why I am so gung ho now about making sure that I am dating with confidence. I am dating from a place of I want you to add value to my life. I don't need you. That realization taught me to recognize when you're settling. And when you recognize when you're settling, it's the first step towards demanding more for yourself and for your future. And the biggest thing about all of it for me, even if your heart is telling you keep on settling, stay in it. It's going to get better, whatever, yada yada yada. Your mind won't let you. It's going to come a time where everything is going to come to a head and enough is enough. And you are going to get sick and tired of being sick and tired for whatever this person is doing. Listen to your intuition because you already know this. But I'm going to say it right now and I need you all to listen. You deserve more. So where have you settled out of fear? Where have you settled out of fear of being alone? The fear of asking for too much or the fear of running out of time? And how can you honor your non negotiables instead of compromising them? I want you guys to think about that, y'. All. Do y' all feel that breeze in the air? The weather is starting to cool down and the days are getting shorter. And I want my apartment to feel like a cozy little retreat, y'. All. That's why Waypair has been my go go to and September is my birthday month, y'. All. And I always take the opportunity to pour some extra love into my space. Y' all know how I am. So I just upgraded my kitchen with bar chairs from Wayfair. And let me tell you, y', all, they complement my new wallpaper so perfectly and they add the perfect pop of color. Now every time I walk past, I stop and I smile it's those small details that pull the whole room together and make it feel like me. That's what I love about Wayfair. It doesn't matter if you're into both bold statement pieces, neutrals, or you just want a subtle seasonal touch. They've got a huge curated selection that fits every budget and every vibe, plus free and fast shipping, even on the big stuff. My chairs came in two days and with fall creeping in, I've been inspired to keep layering in cozy touches like candles, throw blankets and little accent pieces that make my place feel even warmer. So now is the perfect time to cozy fire your space before before fall really starts to settle in. From warm bedding and autumn throw pillows to espresso machines for that perfect homemade latte, they've got everything you need to make your home feel like a safe space that you deserve. So cheers to another year, another cozy refresh, and a little more Wayfair sparkle. Cozify your space with Wayfair's curated collection of easy, affordable fall updates. From comfy recliners to cozy bedding and autumn decorations. Find it all for way less@wayfair.com that's W A Y F A I R.com Wayfair every style, every Home I don't know about y', all, but these past few weeks have had me on the go. Between traveling back home, long days of doing everything for everybody and trying to squeeze in a little fun, my body has been telling me that I need some extra TLC when I'm constantly on the move. The first things to slip are my good sleep and staying focused during stressful days. So I've been looking into what can help and CBD FX might just be the way to go. They've been in the game for over a decade now with products that are third party tested and made from organically grown hemp. Whether you're new to CBD or already know what works for you, they've got everything from gummies to capsules to sleep aid blends designed to support your specific needs. And I love that CBD FX really prioritizes transparency and quality. You can literally scan the QR code on their packaging and see the lab results for yourself. And a lot of their products are vegan and gluten free. I've got a box of their products headed my way and I'm super excited to try them. Because listen, even when life doesn't slow down, I still deserve to. And you do too. Whether you want calm, focused, better sleep or just an overall wellness boost CBDFX has something for you. And right now my listeners can get 40% off your first order with code affirmations@cbdfx.com that's cbdfx.com Use promo code affirmations to get 40% off today. Feel the difference with CBDFX? If there's one thing that I have learned deeply over the last five years or so is that setting standards is not arrogance, is not you being too much. It is self respect. And it is important. Your non negotiables aren't about you being picky. They're about protecting your peace and making sure that every relationship mirrors your values. And anyone who has told you that you are being picky or that you are, you know, too much, within reason, of course. And y' all know what I'm talking about just is not for you. So, as you guys know, every pep talk Wednesday we have a challenge of the week. And this week's challenge is to make sure that your standards are put in action, baby. So I want you guys to spend some time this week writing out your top five non negotiables for any new relationship. And then I want you to compare that list against a relationship in your life. It can be romantic, it can be platonic, or it can even be family. And ask yourself, am I honoring these non negotiables or have I compromised? And I want you guys to commit to holding firm in at least one boundary this week. And I know it's easier said than done, but I really want you to take some time to figure out if you are in a space where you're like, ooh, I already know that I'm not honoring a boundary. Think about in what ways you can. It can look different based on a relationship. If it is a romantic relationship, that might look like leaving that man alone. It could also look like having a deep conversation. If it's a family member, it can look like reaching out to another trusted family member to help you with that, depending on the person. Because especially in a black community, I know how hard it can be to redirect a family member, to stop stepping on your toes, to stop overstepping a boundary. So it can look a lot of different ways. I want you guys to take some time to really figure out how you can hold firm in at least one boundary this week. And when you do, send us an email. I want to hear about this because this is very important work and it's something that we should be continually doing. Now, for me, I took a second to write down my top five Non negotiables. And I want to share them with you guys because if you're in a space where you're like, well, I don't know what my non negotiables should be, I want to make sure that they're not frivolous. I want to make sure that they're not materialistic. Here are my top five right now. So number one, they don't mock or dismiss my faith. They share it and they deeply respect it. I personally need a man of God who loves Christ and lives a Christ centered life. Now, I know I'm not perfect and I'm still learning and I'm still growing in my faith, but I know I need to be with a man who is Christian and a man who is equally yoked spiritually. And he can also hold space for deep talks about conflicts. And we can also talk about our emotions without shutting down. Emotional intelligence is key. So this non negotiable is about faith and emotional depth. I need a man that is emotionally intelligent and emotionally available. Number two is about financial and financial, oh, God, y', all, I cannot talk today. This one is about finances and life stability. So my non negotiable here is he must make at least 80% of what I make. Actually this is a new one, but I actually just saw this on TikTok this morning from a dating coach and it made a lot of sense. I'm not looking in this man's pocket. I'm not penny pinching, I'm not counting his pockets. For real? For real. But what I am essentially saying is I, Tyra, cannot continue to date down when men make less than me. I've noticed that they either feel weirdly disrespected or they overcompensate in weird ways or they start to hide things from me. So in my last relationship, I don't believe in hiding things from your partner. There is such a thing as oversharing in certain stages of your relationship. And I'm giving all of these disclaimers and everything that I'm saying because some people be trying to, you give them an inch and they take a whole mile on something. And I want to make sure that I'm careful with what I'm saying because I know just how much harm giving blatant generalizations can do in relationship. So oversharing is a thing. But I do believe in relationship you should be able to share in general with your partner. I remember I was talking to my boyfriend at the time. This is not the guy that I moved to LA with. This was my last relationship that I was in. And I mentioned to him that I was super excited because I had found an interior decorator because I was having so much trouble making my space feel like a home. And I know for me, my space needs to feel like a home for me to feel creative in it. I work from home. You guys know I do the podcast, all that stuff from home. And the only thing he said to me was, why would you spend your money on that? And he said it in a very judgmental way. And I was like. I was taken aback. And I was like, because I need help and it's my money. And he was like, I don't think you should be spending your money on it. You can do it yourself. And I was like, you know what? And that's only one example. And I'm not gonna go into a lot of examples, but there were a lot of money adjacent conversations. Cause I wasn't necessarily talking about money. I was saying, I'm so glad that I found an interior decorator money adjacent conversations that made him act in weird ways. And then he started hiding things from me. He's a creative, and he didn't make a lot of money. I guess I don't even know the man's pockets. And I did not care. I just genuinely enjoyed being with him. But he ended up moving into a smaller apartment that was way less money than what he lived in. And he didn't tell me, like, it didn't come up. Not one time in any way. The day that he moved in, he was just like, oh, I moved into this new apartment. And I was like, what? He was like, yeah. And I was like, well, why did you move? And he was basically saying, I don't remember what he said, but he didn't say much. But I pieced it together. And I was like, okay, so you weren't able to afford the rent no more. Why wasn't this something that, you know, you said at all? Like, this man was already moved into the apartment. I was like, well, I could have helped you move in and all of that stuff. He was like, no. And I was like, this is weird. He literally moved everything himself. Didn't even have, like, friends help, to my knowledge. Didn't even have friends help or anything like that. And I just thought that was a very weird way to move with someone who is your girl. We weren't just dating, y'. All. This was my boyfriend. So what else are you hiding if you're not telling? Like, that's. That's a little Weird to me. The only reason he told me he was moving is because I was coming over there. Like, what? That was so interesting. Anyways, that non negotiable. He needs to make at least 80% of what I make, because just in the past, it has just not been fun. I've also told y' all about my relationship with the guy that I moved to California with and how stressful financially that was because I was a breadwinner. I'm tired of being a breadwinner. I'm tired of being a breadwinner in a way where me being generous or actually being there for my guy at the time is seen as a problem. So I can't do it anymore. It's too stressful for me. My next non negotiable has to do with hobbies and general independence. So he must have hobbies and interests outside of work. Because I'm a hobby girl. I take my hobbies seriously, and I don't need a man questioning me or making fun of the things that I enjoy doing outside of work. And we don't have to have the same hobbies. But I do think that my partner has to value enrichment in his own life now. He can bring laughter and fun, and it doesn't make my life feel heavier than it needs to be. I'm also in a sorority, and me and one of my friends who is also in another sorority, talk about this all the time. We've dated men who are not Greek. And while it is not generally a problem to date a man that's not Greek, the men that I have dated that are not Greek, when I bring up, oh, I have a chapter meeting, or, you know, this type of. They like to mock it. And it's like, I don't want to be with a man that's going to mock anything that I view as important in my life. And I think a great way to stop that is to make sure that he has interest outside of work, things that he likes to indulge in as far as enriching his life goes. Not just like, you know, watching football, but do you have any type of hobbies? Do you like to play chess on the weekends? Do you have a club that you are a part of? Anything like that, I think is very important in our relationship when I enter into another relationship. Because also, you're not about to be at the house all day playing no video game. What are you doing with yourself outside of work? I think enrichment is very important. And also, if you're not enriching yourself, I'm going to be looking at you sideways and that's not fair to you as well. I'm not saying that you got to have hobbies, but if you don't, I don't necessarily know if this thing will work because it can just lead to a place where we are judging each other for our choices now. Not 100% true, but you know, it can happen. So this is one of my non negotiables. My next one is about being marriage minded and having an aligned future. So this non negotiable is that he must be marriage minded. If that man ain't thinking about marriage and he's not thinking about a future with me and only me, what is we doing? I need someone who wants that same future and not just tolerates it or not just says, oh, I mean, we'll see when it happened, when you're still actively dating me. I need you to be in a space where you already know that this is something that you want. Otherwise, at this big age, I'm 31, we will be misaligned. And just like the friend that I told you guys about who he wants kids and the girl didn't. He knew that from the jump and he still said, okay, we're gonna see what this is about. It just ends in heartbreak. And I'm not trying to have too much more of that in my life, especially if it doesn't have to be warranted. That is something that I want in the near future. So why am I wasting a year, two years, especially with a biological clock. Why am I wasting a year, two years with this person when I can go and let them be happy and do whatever else they want to do instead of this thing coming to a head and we have to go our separate ways. I just, it just doesn't make sense. And my last one that I want to share with you guys is about reciprocity in love and support. So this non negotiable is that he matches my energy in care, consistency and in effort. So he does things like celebrates my wins and doesn't just compete with me because I love to celebrate my man. I am a very my man. My man. My man. Girl, I am your biggest cheerleader and I, I want that same reciprocity. I deserve someone who pours back into me the same way I pour into them and not just takes. Love has to be mutual or it's not love at all. Your non negotiables are your armor, your compassion, your guide. They keep you safe, they keep you respected and they keep you seen and yes, it's okay to want the sprinkles on top of life, too. The fun, the chemistry, the shared laughs. But never at the expense of your core needs. There will be people who tell you that you're too picky, that your standards are too high, or that you're asking for too much. Don't listen to them. Their hands are not big enough to hold all that you are. They don't get to define your worth, and they don't get to dictate what your piece looks like. Sure, some preferences can be materialistic or superficial, but it's up to us to be honest with ourselves and assess what really matters. What you truly need isn't negotiable. When you decide that you are the prize, you stop settling for less than love, respect and reciprocity, whatever that looks like to you and the person that you are in relationship with. Standards don't limit your options. They protect your peace, they protect your energy, and they protect your joy. Hold on tight to your non negotiables and watch how your energy shifts in every relationship you walk into. You are worthy. You are enough. And you will not apologize for expecting nothing less than what you deserve. Okay, now I'm gonna get off my soapbox, y'. All. That is all that I have for you guys today. I want you guys to remember that you are the prize. It is time for us to walk in confidence, especially as black women in this dating culture that we're in now. It gets hard. There have been many a day where I am like, dang, this is definitely something hard and I need to talk to my therapist about this to get me through. But I also know that trouble don't last always. I also know that God has something beautiful for each and every one of us. And it's very important that we remain steadfast and that we keep him first and that we share all of our deepest, darkest with God and we lay our burden at the altar. Put it all down at the altar for him and he will give you exactly what you need when you need it. That's all I got for you guys. Thank you guys so much for listening. Make sure you take part in the challenge of the week. These non negotiables are super important, y'. All. If you ain't done did no other challenge. This one is definitely going to change your life. Make sure you take some time to really write it out. Maybe do some morning pages. Write it out. Think about it over the course of the week. Send me an email based on your reflections and your thoughts and what happened this week after you write out your non negotiables. I cannot wait to hear from you guys. Now once again, make sure that you rate the podcast, make sure that you review it, and leave us a nice message. I love reading all of the messages, you guys, but yeah, that's all I got to say, baby. You are the prize. You need to walk in confidence because you are that girl. And with that, I'm gonna let y' all go. Thank you guys again so much for listening to this Pep Talk Wednesday episode. This is affirmations for black Girls.