← Affirmations for Black Girls
Affirmations for Black Girls
Ending 'Situationships' | Sis, It’s Time To LET IT GO. Do I Have a Soul Tie?? How To Avoid Confusing & Unhealthy Romantic Situations, Loving YOU First & Knowing What YOU Want Romantically | REWIND
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Tyra
Okay y' all, I have a confession to make. I am a hot sleeper. My body be running so hot y' all and sometimes it has me tossing and turning all night. First I'm too hot because I'm under the covers. Then I get too cold because I didn't took them off of me. I'm flipping my pillow every 10 minutes to find the cool side and eventually I just end up with one foot in and one foot out to regulate my body. But I recently realized that it's not just me, it's also my bedding. Heat trapping sheets and duvets are a recipe for a restless night. And no matter how tired you are, I cannot get jiggy. Witty. Now, I already upgraded my bed. I told y' all I got the Avocado green mattress. And with the warmer weather approaching us, it has given me the push to give their bedding a try. So Avocado's bedding collection is warm weather ready and the refresh that your bed deserves. 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You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care. Rewind. Oh y' all. Now this episode may ruffle some feathers, but I'll let y' all know right on in that I am talking to myself just as much as I'm talking to y' all when I say this, sis. Let go of that situationship. What is going on? Beautiful people? You are listening to the Affirmations for Black Girls podcast, where we focus on personal growth and cultivating a healthy relationship with ourselves. I'm your host, Tyra, the creative actress, content creator, and mental health enthusiast. And y' all, we just about to have a real chat. Once again, I feel like I am just diving into this more casual delivery of the podcast. So let me know if y' all like this. In the past, my podcast episodes have been way more scripted. But lately, what's been on my heart to share has been coming from a real, raw place in a sense of I don't want to sit and script it all out. I just want to share as it comes out. So today we are talking about something that I literally have been convicted about since I, like, in the past month, based on the sermons that have been happening at my church. This is something that I have been convicted about. So we're gonna dump. We're gonna jump right into it. But before we do, we're gonna jump into our affirmation of the week. This week's affirmation is I love me. Oh, we all won today, y' all. Let's drop in, if you can. Close your eyes. Let's close your eyes. I love me. I love me. I love me. How does it feel when you say that to yourself? Really take inventory of how it feels to say I love me. Me. If you can say it out loud, say it out loud, even if it's uncomfortable. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. Now, this time, if you can, I want you to really feel this sentiment. I want you to scream it as loud as you can. I love me. Oh, you guys, this is such a simple affirmation, but it is so powerful because as I've been going through life and reflecting on my experiences and what they mean to me and how I've reacted to them, how I've become who I am because of my experiences, I have come to a realization that saying that I love myself makes me uncomfortable. And that is something that I'm really starting to dive into. And I really want to dive into more in therapy. So before we continue, how did it feel? Let's take a moment to take inventory and reflect on how it felt to hear that sentiment, to hear that affirmation. I love me. If you didn't say it out loud because you couldn't, or if you didn't say it out loud, why didn't you? Is it because you couldn't say it out loud? Is it because you were uncomfortable to say it? Is it because you don't believe it? Now, the reason I chose this affirmation for this episode is because for me, and you already know, this podcast is really about my personal experiences. And I just share y' all, share them with y' all and let y' all into my life a little bit. But the reason I chose this affirmation is because I really believe that loving myself more each and every day and on a deeper level is going to stop me from falling into situationships now. Backstory. So I. And that's the thing. Like, we gonna dive into what a situationship and all that stuff is. But the reason I wanted to do this episode today is because in church, we. We were. We had a sermon about the truth of be. About being single. And in that sermon, it was preached by Devon Franklin. I will link it down below for you guys. But it was preached by Devon Franklin. And he was just saying how Eve, when Adam and Eve were created, Eve wasn't walking around saying, where's my man? No woman in the Bible was saying, where's my man? Where's my man? Where's my man? And I think we live in a society where social media has really push the idea of a woman needs a man or a romantic relationship is the ultimate goal. And I know that is something that I have subscribed to, both because I grew up in the South. And you already know in the south, you get married early, you have kids, you have a family. Why picket fence? The American dream, Right? So that has been indoctrinated into me since I was young. And on top of that, with social media, all you see is people's highlight reels. So you see all of these, quote unquote, healthy. Not even. What am I trying to say? Like, you see all of these relationships that everybody else wants these relationship goals, but also I have to, like, take a step aside and say, tyra, you're gonna get all of that stuff, but you cannot feel like you want this stuff so badly that you settle for a situationship now. So we had that sermon, and then a couple of weeks before that, there was another sermon preached by the head pastor of my church. I go to one church, if you guys do not know it is. It's a Potter's house church here in Los Angeles. And in this sermon that Pastor Toure preached on, he just started talking about. Let me find it right quick. Okay, So I found my notes. On it. And Pastor Toure, this was back in May. May 28th. And I will link this episode down below as well in case you want to watch it. I absolutely love my church, but the sermons that have been being preached lately have really been speaking to my romantic life. Because I am single. I'm in my late 20s, obviously not obviously, but I thought I would be married by now. All the things, you know. So my note says, he said, don't get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Begin to seek God and ask him, why is this thing irritating me? The Holy Spirit will make you uncomfortable in situations you do not need to be in. Why do I keep trying to explain this thing away that I know is not for me? Now, this was important to me because I. When I was talking to this guy and I have since ended this situationship and it was one of the most uncomfortable things I. I did because I didn't necessarily want to do it. I just felt so convicted after church. Literally that same day is when I texted him and I was like, hey, let's stop doing this now. The reason I call it a situationship is because I literally just didn't know what was going on. Like, with what we were doing. I was starting to feel confused. Like, confusion was the main emotion. I fel around this thing that I had going on with this guy. So I was beginning to feel uncomfortable. But I have always been the type of person to make excuses and like, and say things like, well, he's busy. Well, he said this and you know what people do, you know, whatever. I would just make so many excuses. So in that moment, I felt convicted and I was like, wow, I've already been making excuses for why this feels the way it feels. And I've only been talking to this guy for two months. I've only known him for two months at that point. So I said, you know what? I'm going to end this situationship because something that my best friend Bria told me a long time ago that has stuck with me and it. It has literally just planted itself in my brain is and it's in the Bible. But God is not the author of confusion. If you are feeling confused about something in any way, it is not from God. And I put all of this stuff together to say, okay, Tyra, it's time for you to end this situationship. So I did. So what is a situationship? Now, I know everybody has their own definitions of situationships, but I recently found a quote on Pinterest that I thought spoke to what a situationship was in My eyes. So a situationship is an entertaining but complicated in between phase of being more than friends with benefits, but also an arrangement that deems you to be less than official relationship partners without a label where two people haven't committed to being anything official for specific reasons. These people are usually confused on what they really have with each other. So they just go with the flow until someone drowns. Now let's unpack this for a second. So friends with benefits. Benefits can be a variety of things. Sometimes it's sex, sometimes it's just like, like, you know how people be saying like work wife, work husband type stuff. Like it could be that type of situation or it could be somebody that you just love spending time with because you want the opposite sexes attention or you want to be around that type of energy. Now the situationship that I was in, it was just that like I. We really liked hanging out with each other. Like we would always do things and you know, of that nature. It wasn't really a friends with benefits type of relationship. But the reason I call it a situationship is because I did not feel like it would go anywhere. Especially since he was like really busy, all of these things, you know, he has so much more stuff top of mind and more of a priority. And I felt that way since the jump. And here's the thing that I'm saying about situationships, more often than not, you can kind of feel that this is about to be a situation ship versus a relationship. And I had to come to the realization that I need to be more honest with myself because I see a pattern in me that has led me into situationship after situationship. And I've only ever been in like a couple and they never lasts a long time. Like I said, y' all, I've known this man for like three months total at like today. And we stopped talking a while back. So we have to start being more honest with ourselves about what we want. If you want a situationship, cool. But at the same time, I can honestly say that I don't think, and this is my opinion, I don't think nobody wants a situationship because based on this definition that I gave y' all a situationship and is a complicated in between phase. Emphasis on complicated. And these people are usually confused on what they really have with each other. And this is what stuck out to me because I was a little confused or not even I was starting to get a little confused. So I just sent him a message and I was like, hey, this is starting to get confusing. And I'm not on that type of time. I told you from jump, like, I wanted this to be low stress. I just wanted to be happy. Go lucky, let's have a good time. I didn't want it to get sticky and I didn't want to start, you know, feeling all of these things. But within myself, I had to sit with Tyra and see how Tyra was feeling and I was like, oh, I'm really starting to like this man. But I don't think it's going to go anywhere. Oh, I'm feeling confused because he's telling me one thing, but his actions are not adding up to my expectation of what his actions should be like at this point in our situationship. So it's going to look different for everybody. But basically that's what a situationship is. So if you like, oh my gosh, I'm in one of these, then I'm not saying that you have to get out of this situationship, but I am saying take a moment, take a step back and really analyze what's going on. Are you feeling confused? Are you feeling less than. Are you feeling any type of uncomfortability when you are in relationship with this person or in situationship with this person? Do you feel uncomfortable? Because something that I also realize is that when your body can tell before your mind can most of the time. And that's why it's so important to be in tune with your body. Because your body will start feeling uncomfortable and it may show up in a lot of different ways. It may show up as sadness, it may show up as anger, it may show up as frustration, resentment. It may just show up as uncomfortable being uncomfortable like discomfort. It may also show up as shyness. You know, it can show up in a. In numerous different ways. And that's why it's important to know you and know your body. So you can say, oh, my body is detecting something that I can't quite process yet. Let me keep an eye on it, let me dig deeper in this, let me journal about this. Let me really explore what's going on so I can do what is best for me at this given moment. So y' all do with that what y' all want. But what I realized is that I don't want a situationship. And I also realized on the flip side of that, I don't want to be in a relationship right now, you guys. And I know I told you I was going to talk about this a couple weeks ago, but we never got to it. But I've also been talking to this second guy. And oh, y' all, I hope that they don't be listening to my podcast. Okay, I'mma tell y' all, so y' all got to listen and don't tell nobody. But I've been talking to this second guy and I think, well, this is what made me realize that I didn't want to be in a relationship. He seems to like me a lot, but based on conversation, I know that he is not the man for me. Just based on his beliefs, his morals, what he deems as important and not important in relationships, things like that that I don't care to compromise on and I don't care to really talk about stuff that I am very like that I'm standing very strong in. And that's also important to know before dating. And y' all, we can all, we can dive so deep into all of this stuff. But I stand strong on certain things. I have non negotiables and I really, after my last relationship, I wrote them all down and I was like, tyra, we are going to start standing 10 toes deep in these non negotiables and in these super strong wants and needs in relationships. So with him, through talking to him, I've been talking to him for like a month, month and a half. Month. A month. And I just slowly realized that he was beginning to like me a lot more. And I immediately started to feel like I wanted to run away. I stopped answering the phone when he would call, whenever I would answer the pH, I would be short. I didn't really want to text him. And I was like, oh, man, like, that's not cool, Tyra. Like, what's going on here? Because he cute. Like, I like, I enjoy talking to him. But what I realized is that he was applying pressure where I did not want pressure to be applied. And I had to really realize why I didn't want him to start applying pressure. Like whenever he would say things like, oh, yeah, in the future and when we we what's going to be our first trip and stuff like that. First of all, sir, it's only been a month, so I don't know what you're talking about. But also, I do think that he genuinely liked me. And that in itself, the first thought I had was, oh, God, I'm not trying to get in a relationship already. I'm not. So it made me backpedal. It made me want to run away and stop making myself as available to this person. And since I found myself doing those actions that are honestly quite foreign to me because I am A serial relationship. Haver. I don't even know if y' all could think of a word for that. Let me know. But I'm always in a relationship. But it. When I felt that he was moving towards that, I started to act in a different way. So it made me realize that even though I'm in my late 20s, I really kind of just want to date, but not date seriously. I want to date intentionally in a sense of. I really want to use this time to create great experiences and not get tied up with a bunch of different people, not create soul ties. And we're gonna touch on that a little later. But I really want to explore the fullness of who Tyra is in a romantic way. And a portion of that is through having romantic experiences with whoever I want to have romantic experiences with. For me, that is Black men. But it's very important for that. But it's also important for me to have those romantic or romanticized experiences with myself. So I'm really trying to find the perfect balance for myself because I do crave going to the movies or, you know, just having a male energy around. I do crave that. And that's okay. I'm in my late 20s. Like, listen, go off, sis. Like, I'm not about to play with y' all. So what I'm saying is really pay attention to your actions and what naturally happens when you are around said person and in said situationship. Now, with this second guy, y' all might be like, tyra. Why? What's going on? So first of all, this guy, y' all, he live in la, but he has been out of town for a very long time for training. And I haven't met this man in person. And it just felt to me like it was giving girlfriend energy, the amount of energy that I was putting into it. And I was like, hold up. I haven't even met you. I haven't seen your knees in person. I haven't smelt your breath. Like, I don't like. You know what I mean? Like, your breath could smell real bad, and I don't like that. Like, that. I'd be having a problem with that. But to each their own, right? What I'm saying is I haven't even seen this man physically. So I was talking with him on the phone every day and all this stuff, and for me, it was just becoming too much, and he wanted to move forward in that way. And I wasn't really checking for him in that way because we hadn't met yet. And also, he's still not here, y' all. So I don't even know when the man is coming. He said he was gonna be here the first day I started talking to him. He said he was gonna be here like two to three weeks later. And I was like, oh, okay, that's fine. I'm still talking to this other guy, so, you know, perfect. But it's been over a month at this point and his return date keeps getting pushed back, so I kind of believe that he don't really stay here, but who knows? I don't know. I don't know. That's not for me to say. But really pay attention to your situations and your relationships and figure out Are you confused? Are you happy with what's going on? And y' all be real with yourself. Don't play like it is time for us to be real, raw and regular with ourselves. So are you confused? Are you the person that is about to drown to do you feel like the other person in this situationship is about to drown? Are y' all on the same page? Ask yourself all of those questions and then I'm going leave it up to you to determine what you going to do about that situationship. 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Okay y' all, so I have a confession to make. As the treasurer for the Itty Bitty Titty Committee, I want to let y' all know that I gave up on regular bras a long time ago because they were always so uncomfortable. Either the straps would dig in or the cups would have that weird gap that really got on my nerves. Now, while I said I do have a smaller chest and bad bralettes aren't exempt from this criticism either, I just always wanted something that felt good on my body. Something that worked for me instead of against me. Amen. Now I'm pretty sure I want to ask people to try skims, but baby, why didn't y' all tell me that the scoop roulette from the Fits Everybody collection was so freaking good. I don't think I ever experienced fabric like this. It's buttery, soft and it's smoothing. It's like melt into your skin soft, but it still provides that support and that secure feeling without digging or pinching or weird gapping. Okay? And there are also no weirdly placed seams. And y' all know what I'm talking about. You know that over the nipple seam that pokes through your shirt, especially if you got a small chest. I absolutely hate that. But y' all, I love this bralette. It's lightweight and it moves with me, which means I can go all day without even thinking about it. And I got it in two colors and I wear them under everything. Now listen, this part is important. Shop Skims Fits Everybody collection and more@skims.com and Skims LA flagship on Sunset Boulevard. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show Affirmations for Black Girls in the drop down menu that follows. I said that I am not about to get into a situationship again, but what I realized is that sometimes you can fall into them unknowingly. And that's why it's very important to have regular check ins with yourself and reflect on what's going on in life. So I found this little diagram and I'm gonna link everything that I'm talking about I'm linking down below in the show notes y' all. But it says how to avoid situationships 101 so I'm about to read them to y' all. Grab a pen and paper or click the link in the show notes to get this. But I think this is a great starting point to realize what you're doing on a daily basis. Because if y' all like me, I'm the type of person who likes to go with the flow. I just like to let things happen. But I want to take more of a driver's seat role in my life versus being in the passenger seat. Sometimes I even be in the back seat, y' all. And I really want to have more control over my personal actions in certain situations and also really take ownership of what I'm allowing to continue in my life. So the first one how to avoid situationships 101 be honest with yourself around what you want, what you're ready for, and what you will not settle for. And this is a very hard thing for me. I'm gonna be 100% honest. It's hard for me to be upfront about this and it does stem from my abandonment issues and me not wanting from childhood trauma and me not wanting other people to feel bad and being a people pleaser, all of the things. But there is such a power in saying, hey, this is actually what I want. And what you're providing me isn't really meeting that standard. And I love me enough to walk away. We don't have to be mad at each other. It doesn't, it doesn't have to be like any bad blood. But I don't see this working in this way. And that's a very powerful thing. The second way, be clear about your boundaries, especially, especially sexual boundaries. And your standards, your core values and deal breakers. Make a list and then next to each one, write down why they're important to you. Now that's super important. I really like how it says write down why it's important to you because people love to. To test you. People. Why? Why? Well, why? Why do you think that? Why? Why? And this is something that used to make me very defensive in one of our previous relationships. So y' all know the boyfriend that I moved out to Los Angeles with. When I was with him, that's when I started going to therapy and I started actually exercising boundaries and speaking up for myself. But he would just simply ask me why? And I'll be ready to fight that man. Because in my head I'd be like, why are you asking me why? You shouldn't even ask me why. Just listen to what I'm saying. But also it was because I was not equipped with the information to tell him why. Granted, the. These are my boundaries and that's also fine. But I think there is such a power in being able to communicate why something is the way it is. Because at the end of the day, y' all, everybody ain't the same. And they may genuinely just be asking why. To be on the same page as you and to understand where you coming from. Because it could be something totally different in their mind. And I'll give you an example in the mornings, let's just say, okay, so in the mornings, I prefer not to have full on conversations. Don't talk to me in the mornings. And so that boyfriend and I lived together when we got to Los Angeles. So, hey, I prefer not to speak first thing in the mornings. I want to just be quiet. Well, why? Because I'm still waking up. I like a peaceful, restful morning. I like a slow, lazy morning just explaining those things because maybe he is an early riser and he thinks that, you know, you being the first person to talk to at the top of the morning is showing the way, showing that he loves you. And that he prioritizes you. And when I started thinking in this way, it provided a perspective shift on answering that why question. Because growing up, I was always like, stop asking me why. Like, in a general sense, I did not like being asked why. And I think that definitely stemmed from my childhood and how I was brought up. Because, you know, a lot of black families, you don't ask your mom and daddy why. It's just because I said so. So I think I really took that on and it started to show up in my romantic relationships. But I realized that that was detrimental. So I really wanted to create more space and understanding in my life and a mindset shift to just say, okay, the question why isn't because somebody is trying to be combative, isn't because they don't think you know what you're talking about. It's because they genuinely want to understand. And that's what we have to believe in, Especially when we're talking to. Talking to someone who is supposed to love us. We should always approach a situation from a more positive mindset and then go from there. Okay, so the third way to avoid a situationship. Honor your own boundaries as a way to model how you want them to be respected. You know, and I love that. So this is saying, like, if you have a boundary in the reverse situation, honor that boundary in the same way. So let's take the example that I just gave about, hey, in the mornings, I don't like to talk. So if I wake up one morning and I'm actually feeling, like, kind of chatty or whatever, and I am going to honor my personal boundary and show up in that same way for my partner, because I don't want to provide mixed signals. Because then it's like, oh, so is it only sometimes, Like, I'm confused. Like, I don't really understand your boundary. Your boundary is fluid. It's flexible. Which means that it's not a boundary. It's more like a doorway or a bridge or a gate. So if you want strong boundaries, like an actual fence that you want to put up something to keep something enclosed, you have to make sure that it is fortified in that way and that it does not waver given the situation. Next. Oh, my thing went away. What is it? Okay, next. Decide how long you'll date someone before you move on. If things aren't progressing. Vague answers around their desires, they wait, what vague answers? Y' all just a typo. Vague answers around their desire to be in a relationship means it's time to move on. On. Okay, how Do I feel about this? Let me, let me just say, I don't think that you should put an exact time stamp like, I'm only gonna date you for three months, sir. And if you ain't trying to do this, that and the third, I' ma leave. No, I think it should be more of a period of time. Like, hey, if we are dating for that three months, has either one of us made the move to go to the next level? I think it's more so about if it's getting stagnant and you're starting to feel like, wait, is this where this is going to end? That's when you have a conversation. So when it says, decide how long you'll date someone, I think you should have an idea in your head. But you shouldn't just have that conversation yourself. You should then bring that information to the person you're dating and say, hey, I'm going to be transparent with you. This is how I've been feeling about this. I thought we would have been a little further along at this time. What are your thoughts? And have that conversation and really get down to the nitty gritty. I think one thing that I am opening myself to is having vulnerable, uncomfortable conversations around things that. Around rejection. Things that could possibly involve rejection. Because I could easily say, well, it's been three months and you ain't do this, this and this. So I'm about to leave and you can't say nothing about it. Even though I still want to talk to this person. That's me putting a wall up and me not wanting to be rejected. That's me wanting to do the rejecting so that I'm. I don't feel as hurt. Even though I am going to feel hurt in the comfort of my own home. But it's not from a state of them saying, hey, I'm gonna back away, right? So I've been opening myself up to saying stuff. Things like, hey, I'm gonna be transparent with you. It's been three months. I really. And I'm just using three months, y' all. Like, for me, I would say something more so around like five, the five month range. Because I'm not really trying to move too Fast. I'm only 28. Like, fast is not for me. Slow and steady wins the race. Amen. So anyways, hey, it's been around three months. I really, really like you and I really enjoy spending time with you. And I would love to spend even more time with you if that's something that you're interested in. If it's not then I'm going to have to back away because I'm falling for you at this point. And if you don't feel the same way, then I think it's best that we go our separate ways. So what do you think? What's your. You know, something like that. Like have that conversation, however you're feeling in that moment, have that conversation and then see what they say and just be real. And I think that's something that we're really getting away from and that's why we find ourselves in so many situationships because people don't actually want to put themselves out there and people don't want to be vulnerable and people don't want to get hurt. The thing is you cannot have pleasure without pain. You cannot have love without hate. Even though we ain't talking about hate. But in a sense of there are. There is duality in everything. You can't be loved fully if you're not fully interested in putting yourself out there fully. And I'm not saying put yourself out there for anybody, but if you're feeling somebody for real, you have to be vulnerable with them and you have to communicate and you have to be open and honest and then see how they. They take that and start getting comfortable with rejection. Because everybody ain't for you. I literally just had to tell myself this morning I was just like tyranny because I said this before, but I've been feeling like not necessarily a failure, but I've been feeling like ain't nobody out there for me. I've been feeling like I've just. It's just been failure after failure in terms of relationship, romantic relationship. And I had to realize like I'm only. I want to spend the rest of my life with one person. There are billions of people in this world. So a of course if I haven't found my person yet, I feel like I have a 100% failure rate. But it's like change your mindset and realize that there is that one person out there who will make all the difference. There's that one person out there who will be there for you in romantic relationship and just set your eyes on that in a sense of romantic relationship. But also realize like this is your life to live and you have to live your life for you and not focus on being in relationship. Let me keep going. Okay, the. What is this? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5. The fifth way to avoid situationships. Pay attention to whether you actually like them versus allowing the anxiety around their acceptance of you to fuel your attraction. Let Me. Say that again. Pay attention to whether you actually like them versus allowing the anxiety around their acceptance of you to feel your attraction. Now, this goes for me. This hits home because it goes back to my abandonment issues. I have always been more of a passenger seat to backseat driver in my life or a backseat passenger to my life. I am just starting to take the reins in my life and allow certain things to stay and actually make decisions on what I want in my life. And especially in romantic relationship, I would just let the man lead. But I'm gonna be honest with y' all. Every man is not capable of leading you. Every. If you're a guy or whatever, everybody woman is not capable of being that person for you to lead or whatever. Like, everyone is not able to fit this box that you have. So you should ask yourself, okay, do I actually like them? Like, let me. Let me do a little bit of reflection on this and see how I truly feel about them versus, well, I hope I'm being a good enough person. Or, well, I really like them. Let's see if they like me. Shoot. If they like me, then anything goes like, that is not the way that I want to live anymore. So this one very, very much so hit home for me. Okay, we got three more. The next one is practice healthy detachment as you engage them in the dating process. Healthy detachment. What is healthy detachment? So you are still your own person. You guys are two individuals. Don't obsess. Don't look at your Instagram stories to see if they saw your stories. Don't worry about if they liking all your Instagram pictures. Like, live your life. Live your life. And just accept, like, okay, if they want to talk to me, they're going to talk to me. Or if you want to, if you're missing them, reach out to them. Like, I keep going off on tangents, but y' all, I could talk about this all day. So let me know if y' all want, like, more episodes like this. But I really cannot stand when people do not want to double tick. I can't stand when someone says, well, I'm a wait for them to respond or not respond. I'm away from them to write me first. Because I'm not going to be the only one. I'm not going to be writing them first or whatever. Like, as a girl, here's the thing. If you want to talk to them, talk to them. And I'm not saying blow, blow their phone up, like, find a happy medium, but if you want to talk to someone as a woman, to a Man, if you want to talk to a man, you can hit them up first. You can ask them on a date. You can tell them that you miss hearing their voice or you were thinking about them. Like, I think there's so much power and so much vulnerability and so much beauty in being able to do that. Like, I'm ready to get rid of all of the stereotypes of dating. Like, wait for him to text you and wait two days and all that kind of stuff. And granted, you might be saying, people still do that. People don't really do that. You would be surprised. Y' all, people really be out here doing that. And for Tyra, if I want to talk to you bad enough, I'm going to text you. Now, if you don't text me back, I'm not going to blow your phone up like that, but I'm going to at least say, hey, I'm interested. So what's up? And I. I feel so confident in that, and I feel like I am taking my personal power back by doing that. Okay, next. Oh, this. Oh, y' all better write this one down because this one got me. The next way to avoid a situationship, avoid romanticizing, fantasizing, future pacing, and efforts to fast forward the relationship, which is also healthy detachment. So don't sit there and daydream about this man. Don't be in your head saying, this man last name is yours. Like, oh, what if my name was Tyra White or Tyra Brown or what it. Like, don't be doing it. Don't be thinking about what y' all kid's gonna look like. Because what's that, what that's doing? Especially in a situationship, what that's doing is making it seem like you are with this person at that time versus physically, you're not with this person. So it's making you fall deeper and deeper into this situation. Even though you're not either talking to the person, you're not seeing the person. Like, it's just creating this unhealthy environment. Now what you can do is say, hey, let's go on a date. Hey, I would like to hang out. Okay, do that. But the romanticizing all day and daydreaming and all that, keep that to a bare minimum. But definitely don't be planning your wedding in your head with a guy that you just met two weeks ago. Like, that's. That's a tad bit much, y' all. And we do it. But keep in mind how you do that type of stuff, because it can lead to you being head over heels for someone that you haven't even fully assessed. And it can lead to you having your blinders on and smoke and mirrors and not being able to truly see the person for who they actually are, and you falling in love with someone who you may not even really like. Once all of that dust settles. And the last thing, speak up around where things are going, once you've hit the milestone, around how long you'll date them with no clear intention of where things are going. So we kind of touched on this already. Like, once you hit that place where you're like, oh, I thought we would be at the next level now, or, oh, gosh, I actually want a lot more than what's going on right now. And like I said, it doesn't have to be a specific date or a specific time frame, in my opinion. So. But once you start feeling that way, like, yeah, I wanna, I want some more, then have that conversation like, okay, sir, what is we doing? Because I really like you and I want you to be my man, or whatever the case may be, whatever situation you're in, if you wanted to move forward in a forward progressing way, in a healthy way, have that conversation with that man. So we said that we would touch on soul ties, and this is the exact reason why I don't want to be in situationships, because I believe soul ties are a real thing and I think they are very hard to untie, get rid of, to break. I think they are very hard. And I will say that I do think I've had a soul tie in the past and it has been very hard to shake. So I would say that I definitely had like a trauma bond slash soul tie with the boyfriend that I moved out here with. And the reason I say that is because I never really felt like I loved that man. But I stayed with him for five years. I think we bonded first over our trauma because that was really like, topic of conversation at the beginning of our relationship. So I was like, oh, well, he gets me, he understands. So there was that common thread that we just latched onto each other for. But after moving to la, I really started to say, oh, my gosh, why am I still with this man? I know I'm not. I'm not going to marry him. Like, I was, y' all, I was saying some off the wall stuff about this man and I was still with him and that's not fair to him or me. But I was talking to my friend Bria a few times and I was just like, this is one of the hardest things I'VE ever had to do. Like, I. I do not know why I can't just walk away from this. And what I realized is that it was a soul tie, y' all, we lived together. We was always having sex. I'm gonna be honest. Like, all the things. And when you open yourself up to someone in that way, you're. Regardless of. I'm gonna say this regardless of if you believe in God or whatever, energy is real. It is. And the spirits are real, the spirit realm is real. Like, all of this is real. It's all energy. And when you are intimate with someone, you are exchanging energy. And also, let's just take it to a just scientific level. Humans are very impressionable. Why do you think there's things that trend? Why do you think we all buy into some type of trend? We have colloquialisms, we have slang, we have slogans that people say, because we are impressionable beings. And we. We literally are sponges. We take in things from the outside, and then we regurgitate them as our own. So bringing that back to a soul tie, when you're having sex or being intimate. And sex is not the only form of intimacy. There are many forms of intimacy. But when you are being intimate with someone, you are taking in their energy. So be cognizant and just be aware of the energy that you allow into your personal atmosphere, into your body, into your heart, into your home. That is so important. And once I was able to realize, like, this is a really, really powerful thing, I have been very selective in the people that I allow into my personal private spaces. Pun intended. Okay, so on Pinterest, I found this poem, and I'm gonna link this down below as well. But it's about soul ties, just in case you don't really know what a soul tie is. Okay, so it says soul ties. Sex isn't just ever sex. Don't let them lie to you. You may leave, but their energy is tied to you. Their thoughts, their vibrations and soul become intertwined with yours. If you're intimate with several people at the same time, then you're taking in several energies. There's a reason why randomly you feel confused, depressed, drained, angry, happy or stressed. You don't live alone anymore. You have roommates. The only way they will get evicted is if you cleanse. Now, I do think this poem is kind of an extreme. But this is exactly what can happen if you are having multiple relations with multiple people. You start to get a little lost in yourself. And it's not necessarily because you're losing your soul. It's because you're welcoming all of this energy into your space and your body is trying to regulate it. That's what I believe. But let's just take it back to just one person. You're still letting their energy in. You're still letting their energy in, and everybody's energy entering your body is a negative. That's not what I'm saying. What I'm saying is you are intertwining yourself with another person when you are intimate. And again, sex is not the only form of intimacy. There's a multiple emotional intimacy as well, amongst other things. But just keep in mind who you allow into your space and also through this entire journey of dating and life. Y' all just make sure that you know what you want or you're open to leaning more into what you want. You realize if you want to have situationships or not. But I say situationships ain't worth it. I'm not even gonna lie to you. They are not. They ain't worth it because you feel confused. You feel like you don't really know what's going on. And I don't know when the last time you just walked aimlessly in the woods and hope that you found the a comfortable home with a fire and food ready, but I'm not trying to really do that in my dating life either. I don't know if that was a. A good illustration, but that's how situationships feel to me since they're so confusing and you never know what's going to happen, when it's going to end. It feels like I'm in a forest and I'm just wandering aimlessly until I find a home or like a cabin in the woods that is comfortable for me, that has a fire going and has some food going. And it just makes me feel like I have a warm embrace. I don't. I would never do that. I would have my Google Maps, my ways at least accomplish something. I would have something. So I want to do the same thing in my dating life. So I say all this to say, sis, get out of that situationship. Okay, guys, you know what time it is. It is time for our fun closing segment. And today, y' all, we're doing something that we haven't done in a while. We are doing my hot take. Or, well, I was calling it, I beg to differ. Now this is where I give you my hot take on things that are going on. I recently saw, and I'm gonna give you two, but I recently saw something on Instagram about, like, splitting. Splitting the bills when you're out with your friends, like, at dinner. And it was just saying, like, don't go out to eat with me if you ain't ready to split the bill. And I was just talking to one of my friends about this, and she said that her friend does this. They always split the bill, no matter how many people it is. I have a few stories about this. Now, here's my hot take. I do not like big dinners, and I do not like splitting the bill evenly. And I'm let y' all know why I'm the type of person, when I go out to eat, I. I don't drink a lot, so I'm not getting a cocktail. And if I do get a cocktail, I'm only getting one. I'm not really a big appetizer girly whenever, especially, like, if I'm in a big group, I'm not really an appetizer girly, and I don't order dessert. In my personal experience, when you go out with big groups, people tend to drink more, they tend to order appetizers, and they tend to order dessert along with a entree. Now, if I only got an entree and a pink lemonade, and Sally got two cocktails, the. The stuffed mushrooms as an appetizer, and her entree, and her and big Bertha split brownie sundae. I'm not splitting the bill. I'm not doing it. And the reason I'm not doing that is because my food did not cost that much. And I am talking about, like, in a place like la, because y' all restaurants out here are expensive. So I'm not about to split that bill down. Down the middle. Like, that is very unfair. Now, the flip side of that is I would hope that friends would kind of say, okay, well, we're. We have to split the bill because it's eight of us. I'm only gonna get one drink, and I'm just gonna order. Like, if everyone orders around the same amount of stuff, I'm perfectly fine with splitting the bill. And that has happened. So, like, I recently went out with some of my boxing friends to this new restaurant that just opened. And all of us ordered two drinks. We split the appetizers. We each got an entree. All of the entrees were about, like, the same price, like, between 30 to $40. And then we all split dessert. Like, we all. All five of us ate off of one dessert. I was more than happy to split the bill because all of our. We shared the appetizers and dessert and Our entrees were all around the same price, and also, everybody got two cocktails, which are all around the same price. I'm not so much a stickler when it comes to making sure that I. I nickel and dime my tab. But if y' all ordering six drinks and I only got one and an entree and that's it, I'm not splitting no bill. I'm giving you cash. Don't play with me. Now, I have been in situations where people are very uncomfortable or not uncomfortable. People are very, like, mad if you don't want to split the bill. But it's like, first of all, what you're not gonna do is check my pockets. Now, you could also say, well, Tyra, why are you going out to eat with all them people? You know how some people have, like, birthday dinners and stuff like that? Like, you don't want to be that friend who doesn't go just because you don't want to split the bill. That's how I'll be feeling. So if y' all feel like me, then this is what I do. I always carry cash when it's. When it's that time. Or I'll say, hey, I could pay somebody via Venmo for mine. And I will literally pay you what my portion is, plus my half of the tax, because we always split the tax straight down the middle. And then I would even add my. My portion of the tip and a few extra dollars on top of that just to. Just to cover it. Right? But I just don't like being in situations where people are like, well, we got to split the bill down the middle. I don't care if your bill was $20 and everybody else's portions was, like, 60, $70. Like, no, we gonna split it down the middle. I don't like that. And I'll stop going out to eat with you. I will never do that again. But in a general sense, I'm always a little wary of going out in big groups when I cannot pay my bills separately. So I always opt to say, hey, let's go to a bar. We can all open our own tabs at a bar. And then we all just eat and do whatever we want. So we ain't got about all of that. But I've just been burned too many times, y' all. And that's why I feel like that about splitting the bill and stuff like that. And I said what? I said, let me know what y' all think. Leave me a comment on the Instagram or tweet me on Twitter or Leave me an email. I love the emails that you guys have been sending lately, but that is all that I have for y' all. I hope you guys enjoyed this this episode. I had a great time talking. This is very therapeutic for me. If you have any questions that you would like to ask, ask me and you would like it featured on the podcast in the show notes below there is a link for you to ask me a question. I'm going to start doing way more questions so I need way more of y' all to leave me questions. And don't just make them dating questions y' all and make them make them very unique to who you are. But let me know what your questions are and we'll be sure to answer them on a future episode of the podcast. Thank you guys so much for listening. Make sure you rate the podcast. Make sure you leave us a review. I absolutely love reading Yalls reviews. They make my day every single time. And make sure you subscribe to the podcast share with all of your friends because Affirmations for Black Girls ain't just for black girls, baby. Like we got a 6% male demographic. Hello men. I am so glad that you guys are here. But anyways y' all, thank y' all so much for listening. I will see you again next week. This is Affirmations for Black Girls. Time is precious and so are our pets. So time with our pets is extra precious. That's why we started Dutch. Dutch provides 247 access to licensed vets with unlimited virtual visits and follow ups for up to five pets. You can message a vet at any time and schedule a video visit the same day. Our vets can even prescribe medication for many ailments and shipping is always free. With Dutch, you'll get more time with your pets and year round peace of mind when it comes to their vet care.