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A
Hey, welcome to all Pro Dad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe. The big question to start us off with is this. How do I handle my anger as a dad before it hurts my kids or my relationship with them? In this episode, we talk about the different ways dads tend to express anger and why it shows up the way it does. While anger usually isn't the real issue, but the fastest emotion we reach for. And a simple framework to help us to slow down or respond better and stay connected when emotions run hot. I'm joined today by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis, and we're getting really honest about the moments we wish we could redo and what it looks like to handle anger instead of letting anger handle us. If you've ever walked away, snapped too fast, or replayed a moment wishing you had responded differently, this conversation is for you. Let's get into it. This is our big question of the week. Is that how can I handle my anger as a dad? This is a big one. How can I handle my anger as a dad? And we thought one of the best things that we could do today was give you categories of different types of dads and just kind of think through which of these types of dads describe you.
B
All right, when anger comes along.
A
When anger comes along. Exactly. Who. Which one of these guys are you? Number one, we've got Angel. Exit Eddie. Now Exit Eddie. When he gets mad, he goes quiet or he leaves when he feels overwhelmed. Silence or absence is his way of staying in control. So this mean he goes away emotionally or physically. Here's an example. He shuts down and starts doing his work on his computer instead of staying involved in the situation.
C
Okay.
B
All right, then you got trigger Tim. So this is a. The guy whose frustration comes out fast. He jumps before he can slow it down. And example of this, his kid spills a drink and he just blows up with frustration. Yeah.
C
On edge all the time, essentially.
B
Yeah.
C
Yeah. Okay.
B
Reacts just very reactive.
C
Okay, how about this one? Number three here. Passive aggressive Pete avoids hitting conflict head on. Frustrations leaking out sideways all the time. An example would be, you know, he's frustrated and he just kind of mutters, well, I guess no one else cares about this, that sort of thing.
B
So the next one would be lecture Lance. So anger comes along and it shifts into teaching mode. When he gets frustrated, he gives long explanations to gain regain control. So an example, simple mistake turns into a five minute lesson. And talk about responsibility and choices. I hate this subject.
C
You're not having fun yet. All right, there's only one Left.
A
Yeah. And this is the only good one. So we're ready. So this number five is Steady Sam. And he gets angry, but he becomes still. He steadies himself. He lets the first wave of anger pass, and then he chooses his next move. His steadiness steadies the room. So, bj, out of these, which one are you?
B
So as I'm reading through all of them, and we had a chance to read through all of them before this, and so I was reading, and I'm like, yeah, the first one, it was like, oh, exit any. I'm like, yeah, that's me. I've done that plenty of times. Then I got to Trigger Tim. And I'm like, yeah, that's me. I've done that plenty of times.
A
Okay.
B
And then I got to passive Aggressive Pete, and I'm like, yep, that's me. I've done that plenty of times. And then what was the next Lecture Lance? I'm like, yeah, I've done that. So all of them. The one that I think I. I relate to the least is Steady is Steady Sam. So, yeah, I hate this.
C
See, that's the one I resonate with the most.
B
Of course you do.
C
But that's. That's not always a good, um.
A
That's the goal.
C
Well, I mean, if it's the goal, great. But, like, you also should show some emotions most of the time.
A
I don't know.
C
I'm. I'm very steady. I don't get high or low on Robotic Robert. Robotic Robert? That's my new name. Yeah, I just. I don't know. I don't get too high or low. I'm sure if I had to pick one of the other four, Lecture Lance probably was the one. I'll just turn everything into a teachable moment when, you know, I get a little frustrated.
B
I will say for all the people who are listening to this or watching this, who are like, I hate Bobby right Now, it is 1,000% true that you are Steady Sam, that you are Steady Sam. Like, I really do, with a dash of Lecture Larry.
A
There's no way.
C
We got 95% steady Sam and then 5%.
B
What I would like you to do is ask your kids, and I would like to ask my kids if they agree with me about mine.
C
I'll ask mine, and I'll text you back. I'll let you know what they say.
A
Yeah.
C
Yeah. How about you?
A
I think I used to be. Or my natural wiring used to be Trigger Tim, But I want to be Steady Sam.
C
It's fun. You should Try it. Yeah.
A
And so to avoid being, you know, trigger Tim, I've learned to be exit Eddie. So I don't want to stick around and do the wrong thing. So exit. So I think I've tried to manage, you know, don't get too angry, and sometimes I just exit with a little bit of drama. You know, no matter which one of these guys we resonate with, are multiple guys that you and I resonate with. Dads, we're not trying to be angry is. We're trying to be in control. Right?
B
Yeah. And I think. I mean, I think most dads are kind of confused when they get. When they get so angry. I think a lot of them are like, wow. After the fact, when they have time to look back, they're like, where did. Yeah, where did that come from? Like, I remember thinking that I had done a lot with my anger, and, like, I could be. I could be very reactive. When I was younger, in my teens and twenties, I kind of thought, oh, I. You know, by the time I got into my 30s, I was like, there's not much that really gets me going. And then I had kids, and I was like, whoa. There is a lot below the surface. And then we just feel. When we don't handle it well, we feel terrible. We feel very guilty afterwards.
C
Well, when was the last time you just let it out? Like, you let anger take over and you didn't handle it the right way?
A
Got so many stories, but you want to go first.
B
I think that probably the last time we were all going to Costco, and my kids were doing something in the back seat, something that I've told them a million times not to do. And they did it again. And I just. Again, kind of went scorched earth and just started screaming at them. I mean, for, like, five minutes straight. And then it was just silent in the car. And we went into Costco, and we were all silent, and we were going to eat dinner because it's the cheapest dinner in the. In. In everybody's town. And we went in, we told the kids to go, go get it, grab a table. And I was just with my wife alone. And I was like, man, that was a close one. I almost lost it in the car. And she just burst into laughter and. But that was the, you know, the last time that I kind of remember absolutely losing it.
A
Our daughter, a few months ago got her braces off, and this is round two of braces. So we're talking about thousands of dollars that we put into these tees, and they take. Take Them all. And they look beautiful. They look like an ad for braces. But I told her, I said, you've got to wear that retainer all the time, and except for when you eat and you've got to brush your teeth in between, because that is like a combination for cavities. And she's doing the. Yeah, dad, come on. Whatever. About two months later, she goes to the dentist. She's got four cavities. I'm like, I just turned into Trigger Tim. Slash Lecture Larry, all at the same lecture Lance. Sorry, Larry's my dad's name. That's why I picked Lance. Well, Freudian slip, anyway. But it was. I was so angry, and I felt so justified in that moment of acting like I acted. And I thought you were justified in that. It was frustrating. The way you handle it was not justified. Right. Because she, at that point, she's not thinking about her behavior. She's thinking about my reaction.
C
Yeah.
A
Like, she didn't think about her behavior. She just thought, oh, he's being a jerk.
C
So you guys being of the multiple anger personalities, I want to ask you this question.
B
It's okay, Mr. Perfect.
C
No, no, no. I am genuinely curious. For the guy who's listening and was considering, like, tuning out, he's like, all right, whatever. I don't think I need to listen to the rest of this podcast. I got everything under control. To the guy who thinks this is kind of D, says, I only get angry when I'm supposed to get angry. What do you say to that guy who maybe doesn't resonate, you know, with more than one, but doesn't see it that big of a deal that he's not dealing with anger all the time?
B
Well, I, you know, I don't think, number one, there's nothing wrong with being angry, but the how we deal with it has a lots of implications for our kids. So, like Exit Eddie creates distance. Trigger Tim creates fear. Passive aggressive peak creates confusion. Lecture Larry makes kids feel overwhelmed. And then Steady Sam creates safety. So the question is, is, okay, what do you want to do? Which one of those leads to the best relationship with your kid? And also is the best way to teach them. And the best way we can teach them is to model the right thing. They're going to be angry and to give them a model of steadiness in the midst of it. It's not easy. It's hard. Like, I've. Like I've said, yeah, I'm off. And I am, like, I'm reading and writing about being an all pro dad. Every day.
A
Yeah.
B
And every day I am failing on this. So it's hard. But the little that we can do to be intentional, the more we can veer towards the steady stance aspect of things, the better off our kids are going to be.
C
Well, all three of us have both sons and daughters, so we can speak to, you know, both sides of the parenting thing. I do think that this is true about our emotions of. With dads, daughters think they cause anger and sons tend to think anger leads to control. I think that's usually true. But regardless, anger can leak into tone and behavior. So that's why it's important to understand which kind of, you know, dad you are and, and how to handle your emotions that way.
A
Mentioned a couple of times to work on a book about marriage and emotions. And I've been kind of fascinated with this whole emotion called anger. And just for guys, just how it's like such the go to emotion and it makes sense because it is acceptable for a man to be angry sometimes. It's, you know, it's celebrated sports and different things. Just get angry, just get mad. What's not okay for guys is don't be, don't be sad, don't be afraid, don't be dramatic. And so they, they feel this. And you're not supposed to be this, well, what can I feel? You can feel angry. And so it's very confusing. And so as I'm doing research, there's this incredible guy called, called. There's an incredible guy, Randy Garris, and he says this, he says we transfer emotions that weren't permitted to permissible ones. Anger is permissible for men. So I not allowed to be sad, but I can be mad. So I transfer it to that. I'm not allowed to be afraid, so I can transfer it to anger, which makes it very confusing and very hard for. For men, me included.
B
That's really insightful because that's the thing is all of this stuff has to get out at some in some way or another. And so like we're gonna take our emotions and they're gonna come out of us in some way because we really
A
don't have an anger problem. We have an emotion problem because we're converting, you know, shame and fear again to anger insecurity.
B
Like, oh yeah, great point.
C
It's. It's not bad. It's a normal emotion. It's not like this is a less than emotion, right. Or one that we should just stiff arm. It's a totally normal thing. And in fact it can sometimes be a good Thing to be angry about certain things. So, yeah, being angry is not a bad thing. Don't hear us saying that. It's not bad.
A
It's a normal emotion.
C
It's totally normal.
B
Yeah, but I think what you're saying, Ted, is that anger is just the tip of the iceberg when we see it 100%. Because I think we've been conditioned. Like sometimes I think we do this transferring stuff and don't even know we're doing it. Like, we're just trying to get that emotion out because it's this, like, lava below the surface. It just needs to come out in some way or another. So we need to get below the surface and kind of see what's under there.
A
Yeah, we. We start digging below because it's really just anger. It's just what we see. It's what's permissible. It's what we're okay with.
C
Yeah, I think for me, being more steady Sam than the others, I. I noticed.
B
Thank you for reiterating that.
C
I'm just gonna get it tattooed right here on my face. No, I caveat it that way. Because with the times that I do get angry, I notice that I'm getting angry over stuff that's persisting that just won't go away. Like, I'm more irritated that it just hasn't subsided. It's not like I'm super angry just at a drop of a hat. But this has played out in my home recently, and I think it's coming into play with some of my relationship with my son, especially because he has been doing hyper literal things lately. We'll say, all right, sit right there. And he's like, okay, can I move ever again? Like, yes, you can move again. But just for right now, just sit right there.
A
You seem a little triggered right now.
C
Right now I'm gonna exit this room. But I think I get frustrated because I'm repeating myself a lot. And so that, that, you know, is something that I've had to kind of work through a little bit and talk with my wife about and say, how can I, you know, be softer? Because I'm afraid that he's thinking, dad's getting angry with me all the time. I. I'm not angry, you know, necessarily at having to repeat myself, but I'm angry that he keeps asking the same question over and over again. So, you know, it's, it's. It's something I gotta think through a little bit more.
A
Well, anger is not, you know, it's not usually the first emotion we feel. It's just the fastest. And I think with anger, especially for guys, it just feels more powerful than shame and disappointment. And it's better to feel powerful than weak. I mean, it's just that simple. Okay, let's make this practical. Let's break this down. How can we handle anger in a better way? So we've got this little framework called name, frame, and aim. And we're going to walk you through those. Action step number one is to name is so important to name what you are really feeling. And I know that sound so. So Dr. Phil, if people even know who that is anymore. It sounds so ooey gooey. Counselor language. But it is so important for us to know. To regulate our emotions by knowing what we are really feeling. And I had a counselor one time mention this thing called the feelings wheel.
B
Oh boy. Now you really.
A
Oh, listen, you. You have no idea how much I made fun of the counselor for doing this. In fact, I had to pre read a book and it had a feelings wheel. And I told the. The authors, I went everything but the feeling will. And now I'm like, you know, I go, well, because I realized what I just don't know. I just didn't. I just don't know what I'm feeling so many times. So this naming part may not be as easy as you think, but it actually starts to regulate your nervous system when you name what the motion is. So that's the name part specifically.
C
Like for those who have never seen a feelings wheel, you would have spokes like a tire. But then if it says anger further out, you'd say, are you actually frustrated? Are you stressed? Are you overwhelmed? Like, that's, that's the kind of thing, it's very. Being very specific about your naming. I think the second part of this framework is this one. Number two, the action step should be to frame it. So we've named it, now we frame it. And that's simply just what am I telling myself about what I'm feeling right now? Maybe the old frame you might be feeling is, oh, my kid doesn't respect me, and that's why I'm angry. Well, the new frame should probably be something more like my kid is learning and I get to. To guide them right now through this emotional moment.
B
Well, and the third one, you know, and this is something Ted like I love. You've kind of taught me on this thing. The name it, frame it, aim it. It all rhymes.
A
Easy.
B
And so aim it, aim your response. Now that you know what's going on below the surface, you've named it. You kind of are clued into what's happening with you now. You can aim your response and respond in the right way in a way that is going to be the best for you and your kid and your relationship with. When you with one another.
A
Right? And that's what you're talking about. How many times do we walk away from being angry with regret? I can't believe I said that again. I can't believe I responded that way. And what this does is allows you to respond instead of react. Because when you're angry, a lot of times you're operating out of the. The emotional part of your brain, the logical part that says I don't want to say this again is offline. So what this does is allows your nervous system and your brain to come back online.
C
You avoid hurting people when you name frame and aim. Yeah.
A
So what does this look like? Let's. Let's make this really practical. We'll read you guys through some of this. Exit Eddie. And naming it is this urge to leave when he feels uncomfortable. To frame it. Hey, it's okay. I need to get away and I need a moment, but I need to come back. And then the aim is, yes, I'm going to exit with some intention, but I am going to re. Enter with a goal of connection. Does that make sense?
C
Yeah. Now, if you're Trigger Tim, if that's someone that you've, you know, kind of recognized, it sounds a little bit like me. Name, frame and aim might be something like this. You're going to name it. All right. I feel pressure and I feel exhausted right now. What's the frame? Okay, my. My kid is careless. Maybe that's the first thing you would think. Let's reframe that to be this pushed me over the edge, whatever that activity was, and aim it. Slow your response down before you start speaking to your child.
B
I'm just exhausted all the time. That must be it. Okay, so passive aggressive Pete, you name it. Okay. Resentment. I'm feeling resentful and I'm feeling unappreciated. Frame it. No one listens becomes I need to say things clearly instead of saying the kind of no one listens to me. I need to say things clearly so people can hear it. And then aim, you speak directly and calmly instead of letting your frustrations leak out sideways. Then you have lecture Lance. Okay, so the naming it. Okay, I feel anxiety and fear of things going wrong again. And then frame. I need to teach this lesson becomes my kid. My kid needs a calm dad. That's kind of how you're framing it. And then finally, aim. Shorten your response and lower your intensity.
A
Steady, Sam. This is where we want to go. BJ this is just for you and me. Are you ready? Okay. Name it. Feels angry without acting on it. Framing it. Knows moment that these moments don't define the relationship. And the aim is, I'm going to keep this relationship intact as we talk this through. This is good stuff, you guys. This issue of anger is so important for guys. It's just something we've been allowed to do. But we've got to handle it right with our kids because we can be scary. Right. And we want to be safe. I want to be for sure. Well, I think we jump into our pro move of the week, and that is this week. When you get angry, run it through this. Name, frame, aim, and just see. Did it change things? Does it matter when you slow down and get some perspective.
C
I like that.
A
Bobby, you especially need to try that. This. Yeah, Just call me Ted. Bj. We probably got more reps on that to work with. Yeah. Thanks to BJ and Bobby for joining me today. And thank you. Hey, if you're listening to this right now, did you know that you can watch it on YouTube? So go ahead and get on YouTube and subscribe. You can get thousands of hours of content there. But most of all, we want to say thank you for joining us. We know you and your kids will be glad that you did.
B
Thanks again for listening to the All Pro dad podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Haley Moat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Waller. Olive allprodad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program, imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.
Release Date: April 13, 2026
Host: Ted Lowe
Guests: BJ Foster, Bobby Lewis
This episode tackles a central parenting challenge: How can dads handle their anger before it negatively impacts their children and relationships? The hosts break down common "anger types" among dads, explore why anger is often the go-to emotion, reflect on personal stories of frustration, and present a practical framework—Name, Frame, Aim—to help dads respond more thoughtfully and constructively. The conversation is marked by humor, honesty, and humility, aiming to offer support and actionable advice for fathers striving to love their kids well, even during emotionally heated moments.
Five "Anger Dad" Types:
The hosts introduce five archetypes to help dads reflect on their own anger responses ([01:19]):
Exit Eddie: Withdraws emotionally or physically to avoid conflict (e.g., turns to his computer when upset).
Trigger Tim: Quickly explodes with frustration, reacting before thinking (e.g., yells when a kid spills a drink).
Passive Aggressive Pete: Expresses anger indirectly, muttering or making sarcastic comments ([02:08] Example: "Well, I guess no one else cares about this...").
Lecture Lance: Anger transforms into lengthy teaching moments (e.g., a small mistake turns into a five-minute lecture on responsibility) ([02:24]).
Steady Sam: Feels anger but steadies himself, lets the first emotional wave pass, and then chooses a calm response ([02:49]).
Self-Reflection by Hosts:
Notable Quote ([03:52], BJ):
"The one that I think I relate to the least is Steady Sam. So yeah, I hate this."
Anger as a Go-To Emotion:
Notable Quote ([11:03], Ted):
"We transfer emotions that weren't permitted to permissible ones. Anger is permissible for men. So I'm not allowed to be sad, but I can be mad."
Impact on Kids:
Stories of Losing Control:
Notable Quote ([07:19], Ted):
"I was so angry, and I felt so justified in that moment of acting like I acted. And I thought you were justified in that. It was frustrating. The way you handle it was not justified. Right. Because she, at that point, she's not thinking about her behavior. She's thinking about my reaction."
Self-Reflection and Guilt:
Anger outbursts often lead to parental guilt and regrets about handling situations poorly ([05:37], [06:18]).
Challenging Denial:
The hosts address dads who think, “I only get angry when I should.”
Notable Quote ([09:01], BJ):
"There's nothing wrong with being angry, but how we deal with it has lots of implications for our kids..."
Modeling Healthy Responses:
Dads teach their kids emotional regulation by modeling it first.
Purpose:
Provides an actionable mental model to slow down, gain perspective, and choose the best response.
Step 1: Name
Notable Quote ([14:24], Ted):
"Anger is not usually the first emotion we feel. It's just the fastest."
Step 2: Frame
Step 3: Aim
Exit Eddie:
Trigger Tim:
Passive Aggressive Pete:
Lecture Lance:
Steady Sam:
BJ on Multiplicity of Anger Styles ([03:31]):
"I've done that plenty of times... All of them. The one that I think I relate to the least is Steady Sam."
Ted on Emotional Transference ([11:03]):
"We transfer emotions that weren't permitted to permissible ones. Anger is permissible for men."
Bobby on Model Parenting ([09:01]):
"The best way we can teach them is to model the right thing..."
Ted on Post-Anger Regret ([17:09]):
"How many times do we walk away from being angry with regret? I can't believe I said that again. I can't believe I responded that way."
On Framework Use ([17:39], Ted):
"This allows you to respond instead of react."
Next time you feel angry:
"Because we can be scary, right? And we want to be safe." ([19:32], Ted)
This episode is a must-listen for dads seeking practical, honest guidance on navigating anger and fostering a safer, more connected family environment.