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- [00:01]
A
Hey, welcome to the All Pro Dad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, and today our big question of the week is, what would you go back and tell younger you as a dad? I'm joined by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis, and in this episode, we talk about the wisdom we wish we'd learned sooner, the encouragement we didn't know we needed, and a few mindset shifts that would help us relax a little bit, enjoy being dads even more. We're glad you're with us. Let's jump into it. All right, guys, our big question of the week is what would you go back and tell younger you as a dad?
- [00:37]
B
I think the first thing that I would tell myself is just to relax. Like, I had so much anxiety around. Like, I for some reason just kind of thought, well, when I teach it to my kids, they should get it, and that's it. Like, I. So I had, you know, I would try training them, teaching them on something, and then we would be dealing with the same thing over and over again for like a year. I mean, potty training is probably the one I think about the most. Like, we read all these books and came across all these techniques. Like there was someone did a three day technique, you know, where they, they, they potty trained them in three days. And of course it worked for them and everybody else that was around us. And, you know, then it's like, okay, I've been now working on this for a year and a half, you know, and I'm like, will, is. Will this ever change? Uh, and so I used to, I just wanted the fruit of my labor and I just would get filled with all this anxiety about it. And so I would just like to tell myself back then, hey, dude, relax. They'll get it when they get it. And just in, you know, and, and the second one, kind of. The second thing I would tell myself, which kind of goes with this, is like, don't rush to the next season. Just kind of enjoy and love the season you're in right now. I think back particularly to when my kids were in diapers and I just wanted to get out of diapers and I just wanted to get out of the dark ages.
- [02:14]
C
Yeah, the dark ages.
- [02:15]
B
Well, yeah, I mean, it's just like getting drooled on and, and having to change diapers and no sleep. And I'm like, just get me out of this. Just, let's get to the next phase. And now I watch myself. Like, I. Now I'm watching Disney Junior, like, all the time by myself. Like, just going back to all the old shows that we used to watch when I used to, you know, I used to hold my, you know, two year olds and three year olds and.
- [02:49]
C
And which one, bj, which show?
- [02:52]
B
Thinking about Imagination Movers. I don't even know if anybody remembers that, but that was on Disney Junior. You know, Jake and the Neverland Pirates
- [03:03]
C
is another good one I think of.
- [03:07]
B
Yeah, and then, like, there was a. There was a spin off. This is not Disney Junior, but. Well, maybe it's. Yeah, it actually is. There was a spin off from Cars called, like, Mater Tales. Like, it was like. Yeah. And. And so we used to watch those all the time and. Yeah. So I just. I want to get Handy Manny. That was another one I could go on all day. But I, like, watch these shows and start singing the song and I'm just watching them by myself and then my kids come in and they're like, what are you doing?
- [03:37]
C
So, Ted, now you know why BJ's not texting you back. He's watching Handy Manny.
- [03:41]
B
I am. I'm watching Handy Manny. Yeah.
- [03:44]
C
Yeah, funny.
- [03:45]
B
So anyway, so I would say don't. Don't just rush. Don't try to rush to the next season. Just enjoy the season you're in. Because it's even. Particularly those early years where it's like you're not sleeping, you just feel like time doesn't move and you just. You can't even fathom how quick. How quick it goes. You look back and you're like, man, it feels like a blank now. But boy, at the time, time didn't move.
- [04:11]
C
Yeah, don't beat yourself too much up too much over the potty training. Because we walked in one day, Our son was 4, and he was like, banking the pee off the back of the toilet seat and, like, ricocheting to the toilet and like, what are you doing? He goes, this is just how I do it. I've done it this way for like four years. I'm like, nah.
- [04:26]
B
What?
- [04:27]
C
Every time we sit down, we're like, leaning against your pe, like, so don't beat yourself up. It. It happens. Potty training is hard, man.
- [04:34]
B
Well, that's. That's talent, what he's doing.
- [04:37]
C
Like, my kids kind of impressed, to be honest.
- [04:40]
B
Puddles in the middle of the living room.
- [04:42]
C
Yeah, no, it's not that.
- [04:44]
A
Yeah. Yeah. Well, the key to potty training, especially with my boys, was to get them to sit on it and face the tank of the toilet and hold on to that. And then they could see all the stickers they got.
- [04:56]
B
Maybe we should have tried that. We should have tried that.
- [04:59]
C
Bj, I love your two points. Relax is a great one. Don't rush the next season. I am guilty of doing that. So I think those are great words of wisdom for me. A couple of things that I would tell younger Bobby as a dad is it is totally okay for your kids to be bored. I mean, I love it when my kids tell me they're bored. I'm like, yes, now is my moment to, like, stand up and say, well, this is for your good. You go, go out and figure out how to use your imagination, child. Get outside and turn that stick into a sword or something like that. Like, it's okay for kids to be bored. And I think they're so overstimulated all the time with screens and videos and like, constant activities. And we're going from this activity to this one to this one to this one. Like, there's just no time for kids to enjoy being bored. And you really can enjoy it. There's a lot of cool stuff that happens when your kids have to use their imagination. So I think I would tell younger me, don't fill up the calendar so much. Let them be bored. It's totally fine. And another thing I would tell younger me is you don't have to solve all of your kids problems. Some of them are actually really beneficial to their growth for their maturity. You know, we've, we've talked before about bulldozer parents who kind of just push everything out of the way for their kids and they don't want any hardships at all. I don't think that's helpful. We've talked about lawnmower parenting where you're trying to just, you know, make us make it as easy as possible for your kids. Helicopter parenting. We talked about drone parenting. Like, there's so many different, like, little labels and categories. You don't have to solve your kids problems. They're perfectly capable of solving a lot of things. And if we do it for them, they're not growing. So I would tell my younger self that, get out of the way. Get out of your own way, and let them grow and learn things on their own.
- [06:41]
A
I like that. I like that. That's good, Bobby, because we want to jump in, right? Well, I have 14 things and I'd like to start with 13 and work myself. Yeah, the first one really quick, and I won't go into this one. Pause before responding. Like you said, bj, calm down. Just relax. You never regret a pause before responding. I would definitely tell myself that the Other would be to use, to use empathy. And this was not a word that I incorporated until the last, you know, five or six years. Years. But I think I would, when my kids would have big emotions or have emotion, I would either try to a, try to make them feel better or discipline it out of them, stop do this. I think if I would go back, would say, hey, slow down and let them have space to have a feeling. Because if they don't deal with their feelings as a kid, they're not going to know how to deal with it as an adult. And I think not every time, but I think a lot of times I would go back and I would step in and just have some empathy for them. And empathy is not as complicated as what I, you know what I think it used to be. I think it is just saying, hey, I can tell you're frustrated, you're angry, or if you don't know what they're feeling, I can tell you're upset, tell me what's going on and just give them a minute. And I think that's when we can leverage being safe instead of scary. Because I could, you know, want my kids, let's wrap up these emotions. But I want them to be able to be able to express them when they get older. And I don't think if we don't give them space to do that, they're not going to know how to do it. This one is absolutely huge. And BJ you probably remember this more than, than Bobby. And that is, I would say to me, hey, buddy, kids come out of way. You know, B.J. i think when our kids, you know, we're really young, they're all the parenting books, right. That gave you the impression that if you'll just do A B and C, just like the potty training thing, if you'll do A, B and C, you're going to have a proven outcome. And I thought that included, you know, if I parent them a certain way, they're going to turn out a certain way. No, kids come out of way in so many ways. You know, research is very clear on this. You know that they come out with a temperament that you're not going to change. It is hardwired, it is hard baked into them. And we have an episode. We'll put the link in the show notes Kathleen Edelman, who talks about the temperaments. The other thing they come in introvert, extrovert and just to allow them to be who they are. And I think, you know, there's always the, the line or the debate about nature versus nurture. I think for me it is how do you nurture their nature of who they are? And so it's both. And what we're doing as dads is so important. But don't give yourself enough credit to say, I've got the power to shape them completely because they come in, as our friend says, fully baked in a lot of ways. All right, you guys, we've talked about what we'd go back and say to ourselves in ways of, oh, I wish I would have done that a little bit differently, or, I wish I'd have known that earlier. Now, what would you go back and say to encourage yourself? You're going, hey, don't stop this, because you're getting it right. Bj, what about you?
- [10:12]
B
Yeah, I think I'd probably tell myself, hey, keep being real and keep being fun. I think one of the things that I look back on and think, boy, I think I did that well, is you have parents sometimes who don't know the answers or haven't quite worked things out in their head or. And feel like they need to have all the answers and to model for our kids and to kind of put out there when you don't have it all together or you haven't arrived at a position or you're not sure what. What it is. I think communicates a lot to a kid. Like, when you. When you're just real about that. Like, yeah, I don't know what I think about that, or, boy, I go back and forth or, hey, I don't know what the answer is to that, but why don't we sit and think about it for a little bit? Or I don't know what I think. What do you think about that? I think all of that communicates to our kids, like, it's okay not to have it all together. Like. Like particularly this generation who kind of feels like they need to have. Have it perfect and have everything together. And, you know, because they're filmed so much, I think, you know, when. When you look at everything that's documented so much on social media and all that, they sort of feel like they need to have everything buttoned up and to look perfect and look a certain way and to have it all together and to model out for them, it's okay. I don't have it all together. I'm figuring it out, I think says a lot and then. And kind of lets them relax a little bit. And so I look back on my. On myself way back when. And, you know, even in the. Even inside of the Kind of the recent past and just kind of say, keep doing that, man. I think that has really helped my kids relax about who they are and kind of become a little bit more confident. And then the fun part, I just kind of did some things like I just make. Will make jokes that will make them laugh and share things with them. And then we did no rules nights. And, and, and you know, where, where they're allowed to do whatever they want and they kind of, you know, they can have, they could add candy for dinner and stay up until 6 in the morning.
- [12:38]
C
And those can get out of hand, by the way.
- [12:41]
B
They can. And for good reason. They need to. And, and, and, and it's one of those things my kids look back on with such fond memories. And, and now they're like, why don't we do no rolls nights anymore? And I'm like, because you, you're late. Teenagers. Every day is in no rules. Every day is no rules at this point.
- [13:00]
C
Because it's more expensive now. That's the answer. You want more expensive things when you're 17.
- [13:05]
B
Yeah.
- [13:05]
C
Like when it's no rules when you're seven, it's like, can we have popcorn for dinner? Yeah, it costs a dollar. Like no rules when you're 17. Can we go to Disney World tonight? Like, oh, gosh, yeah.
- [13:14]
B
Well, and I wouldn't do. I had a couple, I had a couple rules. One would be you need to think about other people and you also need to think about dad's bank accounts. So, and then the. So, so be real. Keep being real and fun. And, and then the second one would be keep apologizing when you fail. I, I've said it before in different podcasts. A mentor of mine told me that the, that, that the strong person apologizes. Strong people apologize quickly. They, they recognize when they did right? And look, none of us are perfect, and I certainly wasn't perfect. But the thing that helps in our imperfection is when we recognize when we failed and to be open and honest about it and to take accountability for it. And so that's something that I think I, that I, I think I did pretty well. I pulled my kids aside and say, hey, dad blew up. You didn't deserve that. That wasn't right. And I apologize for it and, and you know, ask for your forgiveness. I think that modeled for my kids that what to do when you fail and what to do when you come up short and when you hurt somebody, it modeled it for them. And it also set our relationship right so many different times and so, so Yeah, I think those are the two things that I would tell myself to encourage and say, hey, you're doing this well. Keep this up.
- [14:46]
C
Yeah, Apologizing you fail is, is a good one for sure. I would tell myself something similar. To be honest. I think if I was going to go back and encourage myself, I would say, hey, go ahead and embrace failure. Like good dads are going to fail their way into wisdom. I think that's, that's unavoidable. You're going to learn from your mistakes. You're going to make a lot of mistakes. So continue to be okay with that and learn from those things. I remember there was one family trip we took. My wife loves to kayak. And so she wanted to go up to like a river near our house. And so we loaded up the kayaks. I got all the food.
- [15:20]
B
Food.
- [15:20]
C
I got the kayaks, I got the life preservers, I got the towels. I got everything except the baby pacifier. And that was a mistake because about like 15 minutes, maybe even less into this two hour kayak trip, our, you know, 10, 12 month old, however old our child was, baby started to wail like scream uncontrollably on the boat. And my wife says, hey, where's the pacifier? And I was like, I thought you brought it. She's like, I thought you brought it. And so for the next hour and 45 minutes, she had to pass battle with one arm while she held a baby to her, her chest and like nursed the baby. And I was like, this was a big fail. But guess what? I never forgot after that. The pacifier.
- [16:02]
B
So I feel like the big mistake was taking a 10 month old on a kayak.
- [16:06]
A
Hey, hey.
- [16:07]
C
That was, that was also a decision that we made that maybe we wouldn't do again. But, but it would have been fine had dad remembered the most important thing. Not the sandwiches, we could have figured out lunch. Not the, you know, the towels. We could have just been wet. The pacifier was way more important than all that. And I forgot, but I failed into wisdom there. Like I never did it again. I made sure I double checked stuff. I was trying to be more prepared in the future. And so I think, you know, I would encourage myself that, you know, you're okay with the failure. Just try not to do it twice. Just keep going and learn and do all those things. And the other thing I would probably encourage myself with is embrace the hard. If that's the way to put it, you are doing the hardest job on the planet. It is easier to build a rocket than raise a kid. Because there's instruction manuals for rockets, right? We've got plans. People have built them before. We know exactly how much material we need. We know how much fuel we need. We know what angle to shoot the thing off at. Your kid has no instructions at all. And so embrace the fact that it's hard. I think I tried to do a pretty good job of that and I got better with each kid of just embracing the hard. There's, there's got to be grace involved with parenting. I think I gave myself enough of that as we got through different stages. Nothing about what you're doing right now, dad, is easy and that's okay. You are shaping a human being. You are molding someone not just for right now, but for generations to come. That's really hard. Don't take the task lightly. It's very serious. And embrace the hard parts because that's what actually is going to mold this little life that you've been entrusted with. So, yeah, I would say embrace the hard.
- [17:49]
A
Love that, Bobby. Embrace the hard, boy, because some days that's the last thing we want to do, right? And so that's good. Thank you, Bobby, for that. I think for me, look back and I would say, hey, keep putting your family ahead of your work. Our pastor started our church and he said when he started it, he said, God, I'm going to give you 45 hours a week. Whatever you can do with that, do with that. Because his kids were little. And he said he didn't want to miss out on his kids. And so I came on staff when my kids were very small at that church and I said, same thing, God, I'm going to give you 45 hours a week. And got to spend amazing amount of time with my kids. And then I was, was part of a nonprofit and started a new division of that nonprofit. And I said, okay, this, this one's even scarier because this one, you know, our financial, you know, livelihood is going to depend on, you know, how much time and energy that I'm giving it to it. And so I said, all right, God, I'm going to give you 45 hours a week. And so I think I would say keep doing that because fast forward, you know, 13 years later in this non profit division that I had poured in so much time and energy into, got the plug pulled on it so it doesn't exist anymore. And while that was very disappointing and frustrating, I can't imagine had I sacrificed my kids for that, right? There's no, there's no win that makes that worth it. But I think the irony of that would have been tragic. So I would say, hey, keep putting your family first. You're not going to regret that. I would say keep taking them on speaking trips. It'll be the best trips of their life. And bj, you know, reflect on what you said as well. Keep being fun and silly with your kids. Keep being a goofball. It's what they remember now when they talk about things. It's. I think it's a lot of the reason that they would bring their friends around is we would have a good time. I think it's the reason they bring, you know, their girlfriends around now as we have a good time. That and because I always buy dinner. So one of those things is true. It's either I was fun and continue to be fun and I buy dinner, but I think it would say, hey, the fun part, that's the thing that they talk about a whole lot. So I would say, you know, keep being fun. Thanks you guys. Great conversation. Now we're going to jump into our pro move of the week. Take five minutes this week and write down what you would tell your younger self as a dad. Write a few words of wisdom and also a few words of encouragement and then keep it somewhere you can see it every, every day. And thank you again to BJ and Bobby for this great discussion. If you're listening to this podcast, did you know you can Watch us on YouTube? Subscribe to YouTube channel today There you'll find even more great content to help you love your family well. And as always, we want to say thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad you did.
- [21:07]
D
Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Haley Mwat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Walliffe. All Pro dad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first first, along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.