How to Respond Better to Your Kids: 5 Habits That Are Hurting Your Connection

Summary

All Pro Dad Podcast
Episode Title: How to Respond Better to Your Kids: 5 Habits That Are Hurting Your Connection
Date: April 27, 2026
Host: Ted Lowe
Co-hosts: BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis

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Episode Overview

In this episode, the All Pro Dad team tackles the question: “How can I respond better to my kids?” Ted Lowe, BJ Foster, and Bobby Lewis dive into the daily habits and reflexive responses that can subtly erode or enrich the parent-child bond. Using humor, personal stories, and even insights gleaned from interacting with AI, the hosts highlight common pitfalls in communication and present practical ways for dads to connect more deeply with their children. The core message: slow down, examine your default reactions, and focus on building connection—because great relationships are made in everyday moments, not grand gestures.

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Key Discussion Points & Insights

1. The Power of Listening and Slowing Down

• Rushing Responses Hurts Connection
  • Ted reflects on how AI responses modeled empathy and patience, and asks himself, “Did I do that with my wife and my kids?” [00:20]
  • “When we rush our kids, we're signaling to them, ‘Hey, my schedule means more to me than understanding what you’re saying.’ But when we slow down, even for 30 seconds... we tell our kids, ‘You matter to me more than the schedule.’” – Ted Lowe [04:32]
• When Do Dads Tend to Rush?
  • BJ: Most likely when tired and craving downtime. [01:38]
  • Bobby: When managing too many responsibilities and failing at multitasking. [02:27]
  • Ted: Gets impatient with delayed responses from kids, especially with texting. [03:33]

2. Don’t Take Things Personally

• Common Dad Traps: Defensiveness and Misinterpreting Kids’ Frustrations
  • “There’s nothing more I wanted…than to be a good husband and a good dad. And so, when my kids get frustrated with me, I can get defensive on the inside, and that comes out on the outside.” – Ted Lowe [05:29]
  • Bobby admits to hijacking conversations to compare his own tough experiences, realizing “I was making it about me.” [06:17], [10:36]
  • BJ shares that repeated disobedience feels personal, leading him to blow up, which only escalates conflict. [07:22-08:30]

3. Avoid Conversation Hijacking

• Instead of Relating Everything Back to Yourself, Stay in Their World
  • “Sometimes I’ll try to relate a story of my own…instead of just letting it be theirs. Or when I have a high need to teach something, I try to talk them out of feelings…instead of just letting them have the moment.” – Ted Lowe [10:36]
  • BJ references Brene Brown: “We feel this pressure to put a silver lining on everything…Rather than sitting in the pain with them, asking questions.” [11:31]

4. Don’t Escalate – Tone Matters

• Escalation Triggers
  • Repeating oneself multiple times starts irritation (Bobby) [12:54]
  • Kids arguing or being dishonest (Ted): “The biggest escalator of them all, is when I tell them to do something and they go, ‘I was just about to do that.’” [14:19]
• Familiarity Lowers Our Filter
  • “The people closest to us often get the least edited version of us.” – BJ Foster [15:11]
  • “We can be firm with our tone…never mean and aggressive. AI doesn’t escalate.” [15:11]

5. Adapting and Adjusting to Kids’ Needs

• Be Available When They Want to Talk
  • “Children are like dogs; they’re always glad to see you. Teenagers are like cats; they’ll talk to you when they want to.” – Ted Lowe [17:39]
  • BJ: Sometimes vital conversations happen at midnight; lean in when the window opens. [16:39]
• Ask Questions Carefully
  • “Asking questions is a little bit of an art…sometimes questions can feel like questioning…depending on how I phrase it or my tone.” – Ted Lowe [17:39-18:30]
• Adapt as Kids Grow
  • Bobby: “Your 8-year-old receives information one way, but when they're 15, they won’t receive it the same way…Connection, it’s active, it’s not automatic.” [19:04]

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Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

• On Slowing Down
  “Slower responses build stronger relationships.” – Ted Lowe [04:45]

• On Defensiveness
  “Most criticism from our kids is clumsy communication. It’s not really a calculated attack.” – BJ Foster [09:08]

• On Handling Escalation “Familiarity lowers our filter. So the people closest to us often get the least edited version of us.” – BJ Foster [15:11]

• On Connection as Active, Not Automatic
  “You’ve got to grow with your kids and you’ve got to stay curious about who they are, not who they used to be…Connection, it’s active, it’s not automatic.” – Bobby Lewis [19:04]

• On Adapting to Teenagers “Children are like dogs, they’re always glad to see you. And teenagers are like cats, they’ll talk to you when they want to.” – Ted Lowe [17:39]

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Important Timestamps

• [00:20] — Introduction of episode topic: responding better to kids; inspiration from AI’s patient and empathetic communication.
• [01:38 - 04:32] — Discussion on rushing responses and its effect on connection.
• [05:15 - 09:50] — Exploring defensiveness, personalizing kids’ frustrations, and hijacking conversations.
• [10:36 - 12:47] — “Silver lining” syndrome and minimizing kids’ pain.
• [12:54 - 16:12] — Escalation, tone, and the importance of consistency amid daily chaos.
• [16:39 - 19:04] — Challenges and tips for adapting as kids grow; making the most of spontaneous opportunities.
• [20:32] — Action step: pause before responding, and ask, “Is my response building connection, or am I just proving a point?”

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Pro Move of the Week

“Before you respond this week, silently ask: Is my response building connection or am I just proving a point? Just take a breath—one pause, one question. That’s it.” – Ted Lowe [20:32]

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Practical Takeaways for Dads

• Slow down, especially when rushed or tired; prioritize connection over efficiency.
• Don’t take children’s comments personally or defensively—see their frustrations through their eyes.
• Avoid hijacking conversations by making them about your own experiences.
• Monitor your tone, and avoid escalation; strive to be steady, not reactive.
• Remain adaptable as your kids grow, seizing moments when they’re ready to talk even if it’s inconvenient.
• Practice intentional curiosity—ask open questions and avoid interrogation.

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Summary:
This All Pro Dad episode unpacks five habits that can unintentionally harm your connection with your kids and gives practical, relatable steps to replace them with patience, empathy, and curiosity. The hosts candidly share their own missteps and “aha” moments, urging dads everywhere to be just a little more intentional in their everyday interactions—because every moment shapes a lifelong relationship.

Transcript

[A]

Hey, welcome to the AllPro dad podcast. My name is Ted Lowe, and today our big question of the week is how can I respond better to my kids? I'm joined today by my buddies, BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis. And in this episode, we're going to talk about the everyday responses that shape our relationship with our kids, the subtle habits that raise or lower the temperature in our homes, and one practical shift that you can make this week. We are so glad that you are with us. Let's jump in. Okay, you guys, so, as you know, I've been working on a book, and I dropped a chapter of it into AI And I said, what do you think about this? And it was so affirming. I was like, you're my new best friend, AI. This is how everyone should talk to me. And I just, as I would follow up and ask it questions, I thought, man, this thing, it's kind, it's empathetic, it's doing some great things. And I thought, did I do that with my wife and my kids? And so it got me thinking about this whole concept of how do we respond to the people that we love the most? How do we respond to our wives, how to respond to our kids? And I think AI is doing some things right. But in full disclosure, what we're about to share with you, that AI does right, it's not just based on what AI does right, it's what dads do right? So we're going to talk a little bit about that today. The first thing that AI doesn't do is it doesn't rush. It doesn't rush. You guys, when do you tend to rush the most with your kids?

[B]

I think when I'm tired. When I, when I'm tired, I tend to be less patient. I don't want to wait. I just kind of want to get things done. Particularly, I think, gosh, when I just want to lay down and then want to have a. I, I, I either want to lay down, I want to unplug. I just want to lose myself a little bit. And, and then when they want to talk or they're taking a while, and there's just a big part of me that's like, just get there.

[C]

Get there faster.

[B]

Like, you know, there's a great episode about, in Friends where, where Chandler is saying to Joey, like, he's taken a long time to figure something out. It's like, get there faster. Like, that's, that's kind of, I think, where I am, and I' rush them along.

[D]

So, yeah, that's a Tricky one for me. I was trying to think about it. I was like, when do I rush? And I think it's when I have so many balls in the air, I'm juggling a bunch of things at once. I got work things to do. I got home improvement things to do. I got church responsibilities or we got youth sports or get them to their activity and all these different things going on at the same time. And when I feel like I have a lot to handle at once, I'm really bad at multitasking. Even though I try to trick myself into thinking I'm good at it, that's when I kind of get short with them. I start rushing them. I start trying to get through stuff so I can get back to my to do list. I get very slow to listen. I get very quick to speak and just start shouting directions. I get a little angry sometimes and they lose when I do that. And it's not just my kids. I get that way with my wife, too. And I don't love that about myself. They kind of catch the shrapnel sometimes when I'm trying to juggle too many things. And it's just. It happens more often than I wish it did.

[A]

We'll say that. Yeah, I'd never rush.

[D]

Oh, good. Episode over. Good job, you guys.

[A]

You guys know better. You know better. I think it's for me, when I am trying to get things lined up for them or for our family. And it happens, oddly, the older, they get more on text. So I'll text them something and I'll say, hey, I need to know asap. And I know full well they have their phones. I know it. There's just no way that they don' and they don't respond back immediately. I can get like, are you there? I need to know this information. And I can just follow up. So I tend to rush when I'm needing information and they're withholding because, you know, it's all against me. It's all about me. So I'm not sure that that's always the case, that they're not getting back to me. But when life gets hectic, we can rush our kids by rushing our responses to them. Like, bj, like you were saying, just get there faster. You know, a kid can say, God, you know, school is so stupid. And as dads, our reflex can be like, well, you still have to go think of those moments. You know, we can move towards connection, like through curiosity and AI it. The way it poses itself oddly is it gets curious and asks follow up. Questions like, are you wanting to do this? Are you wanting to do this? So it keeps pushing. And I think when we rush our kids, we're signal to them, hey, my schedule means more to me than me understanding what you're saying. But when we slow down, even for 30 seconds, and we've all got 30 seconds, we tell our kids, hey, you matter to me more than the schedule. So I think the aha, at least it was for me, is slower responses build stronger relationships.

[B]

I think another thing that it kind of does is it doesn't take things personally. Like, so when do you guys tend to. When do you tend to take things personally with your kids?

[A]

Oh, I'll jump in on that one. Just because I've been thinking about this so much. I mean, and I know you guys are the same way. There's nothing more I wanted to plan it than to be a good husband and a. And a good dad. And so when my oldest were teenagers, and now my youngest, who's still a teenager, when they get frustrated with me, I can get defensive on the inside, and that comes out on the outside. You know, I want to do those cliches like, you don't know how lucky you have it. You know, subtext dab. A dad like me, you think this is hard, you know, you're overreacting. But I think for me, I can take it personally when they're not happy with me. So I can get defensive with them. And I can take things very personally when they're frustrated.

[D]

You know, it's funny you mention that, because just yesterday we were talking in the car, my wife and I were driving around, the kids are in the backseat, and they were like, oh, man, I can't believe we had to get up so early. And I actually said, do you know how early I had to get up to go to school? Because our kids are homeschool. They kind of roll out of bed and do school at like 8 or 9 or whatever. I'm like in the seat at 7 o', clock, and we were in homeroom doing our stuff, and I was like, what a dope. This is exactly what I'm going to be talking about tomorrow. And I'm doing it right now. I'm making it about me. And you know, whenever we do that, I think we fail our K because we, we subtly say, yeah, I hear your complaint, but I got a bigger one. They don't want to hear that. Making things about us, it really is a selfish thing to do, just by definition. But also it kind of stiff arms, the Kid a way that their. Their desires are less important and their problems are less important. And, hey, listen to how bad I had it. I walked uphill both ways in the snow sort of conversation. Like, you heard people say that before. You know, we got to handle the moment through their eyes and stop adding extra emotion to it on our end. It could really hurt their feelings when we do that.

[C]

I think for me, kind of the times when I take things the most personally, I think it's when they disobey on something, particularly when they disobey on something we've talked about like a million times or push back on something that we've had the discussion about. I kind of think, well, you don't care. You're just doing what you want. You're selfish. And then what I tend to do is I blow up, and then they're. They're like, you're blowing up at me. And then I'm defending why I'm blowing up on.

[B]

On them. And.

[C]

And it. It all kind of turns into a big mess rather than, you know, I. I think of. I think of AI and how it answers. And again, we're not robots and stuff. And this stuff is bound to happen where we get frustrated and where we blow up and where things stu. Happen, like it happens. But one of the things I like about what AI does is it just stays nice and. And it stays even keel. Like Bobby kind of stays like Bobby. Bobby, you're a lot like AI Actually, the crowd doesn't know that Bobby actually is.

[D]

I actually might be. You don't know. We're not in the same room right now.

[A]

That's right.

[B]

That's right.

[C]

But, you know, like, we just. We end up. We tend to get defensive, you know, in different circumstances. A kid is like, you know, you never listen to me.

[B]

And then.

[C]

And our instinct is to kind of be like, well, you know, I'm doing this and I'm doing that. We defend. That's not true. I listen to you all the time, but I doesn't do that. It kind of is like, okay, and ask more questions. How can I get this right? And it just. It stays steady and consistent and calm in there.

[A]

And,

[B]

you know, most. I think most criticism from our kids is clumsy communication. It's not really a calculated attack. But if we can absorb, I think, think the emotion without reacting to it, then we keep the door open rather than slamming it. So, you know, when we don't protect. When we don't protect our ego or anything else, we protect communication. When we stay nice and Steady. And so I just kind of. I like that about AI I think that stands out to me in terms of how it responds.

[D]

Guys, I want to go back for a second to what I brought up in the car. Remember, I was like, oh, it's worse for me and you. You didn't have it as bad as I had it. I was thinking about this a little bit, you know, after it happened in the car yesterday. And I want to go back and ask you about this because I don't think I was trying to be rude to my kids and like, minimize their life, but I did kind of hijack things. I kind of just, you know, moved on so quickly. You said something earlier, Ted, about slowing down, giving them an extra 30 seconds. That'll build connection. I think if we just slow down in general and we stay in their world, if we don't, like slow down to then make it about us, but we slow down and keep it on them, it actually builds trust long term. Have you guys intentionally tried to do that or have you found yourself hijacking conversations with your kids before?

[A]

Unintentionally hijack. Sometimes I intentionally hijack. No, you know, I think unintentionally hijacked. I was thinking about this. It's. We're prepping for the episode. You know, I think I'll try to relate a story of my own either. Like you said, Bobby, like, hey, you wouldn't believe it. I used to be, you know, up at 2:30 in the morning to have to go to school. So I think it could do that. But also to relate to them in a. What I view as a positive way instead of just letting it be theirs or it's when I have a high need to teach something or I want to encourage them about something. Of course, you know my favorite, talk them out of feelings. So instead of just letting them have the moment, sit in the moment, relate the moment. I can, I can hijack it by trying to talk.

[D]

My goal is to connect. Actually. I wanted to connect with them, but I don't think I actually did that because I made it about me, you know?

[A]

Yep. I've been there. Yep.

[B]

Yeah, I think mine is. I think mine is similar to your. To yours, Ted. Like, I think it's a subtle hijack where I dismiss whatever painful thing that they're, that they're going through or talking about. Brene Brown calls it putting a. So we feel this pressure to put a silver lining on it or need to put a silver line on everything. Like, oh, it's not that bad. You'll be great. Tomorrow's another day. Like, you'll get it then, you know, rather than sitting in the pain with them asking the questions, you know, our kids want to process pain for themselves. They want to mourn a loss or a dying dream. And when we. I think we hijack a conversation by just sweeping it away or sweeping under the rug because we're uncomfortable and can't bear to watch our kids in pain. And when I think about the times I've done that, I just am like, man, that's weak. That is so weak. I think another. Another thing that I think AI does in terms of the way it responds that I really kind of admire is that it doesn't escalate. So when you. When do you all struggle not getting.

[C]

Not.

[B]

Not moving into a frustrated tone or escalating, like, the situation with your kids?

[D]

For me, it's repeating myself over and over again. And I don't have to do that often. My kids are usually pretty good about, like, following through on some, you know, things that I'm asking them to do. But if I feel like I've had to repeat myself three times, hey, go feed the dog. Hey, you know, finish your homework. Hey, go. You know, all these little things you say over and over again, I really hate that. I really don't like having to repeat myself. And I think a lot of dads probably are in that same boat because it makes me feel a little disrespected. I don't know about you guys, but, like, if I have to say something six times, it tells me you didn't care the first five times and you didn't respect the request. And so if you did care about it, you'd do it right away. And that's the way it processes in my brain. And so every time my kids aren't listening or I have to repeat something, it's like a little spark, and it's just little irritation, but I'm throwing gas on it by getting more and more frustrated, and it's just becoming a bigger and bigger thing. And I need to kind of remember, we gotta have some grace here. We gotta balance things. They're not gonna bat a thousand. Like, they're gonna miss some things. I've gotten mad at them before because they weren't doing something because they hadn't completed the last thing I've asked them to do, and that's my fault. That's not their fault. So I. I think that, you know, I can escalate things in. In an unhealthy way. By just demanding too much too fast. You know, they're, they're little. As Ted said before, this is their first time being human. They're figure this out and we could make it a lot harder, you know,

[A]

but they need to remember this is our first time at being in humans. That's true, but that doesn't work like that, does it?

[B]

Yeah, they need to remember.

[A]

Yeah, come on. No, I think I can escalate. I know I can escalate when my kids argue with me, especially when I know that I'm 100% right. Like you're going, you're just arguing for the sake of argument or. What really pushes my buttons is when they're not being completely honest and they're twisting the story to make it fit or not get them in to trouble. But the biggest escalator of them all, it's when I tell them to do something, they go, I was just about to do that. I don't know what it is about that, but that pushes my button. So instead of just staying steady, Steve, like we've talked about before, I tend to, I tend to escalate when I get my buttons pushed. So I just need to, I need to calm down. Right. You know, I need to calm down and don't let things escalate. Don't throw fuel on the fire.

[B]

Yeah, I mean, I think it's important to remember that, how important our tone is with all of these things. I think tone matters as much as the things that are being said. I think AI does a good job with tone. Sometimes it might be a little too nice. I mean, I think we can be firm with our tone. Maybe in a way that's better than AI. Sometimes we need to be firm, but never unkind, never mean and aggressive. AI doesn't escalate. It doesn't roll its eyes, it doesn't sigh, it doesn't spike the temperature at home. Familiarity lowers our filter. So the people closest to us often get the least edited version of us. And I think it's important to remember that we have to continue to strive and work towards bringing the best of the best self, not only to everybody else, but especially to our families, especially to our kids.

[D]

Yeah, you do that consistently, you become very steady. And I think that's a really important thing for dads to do. But I get locked into that sometimes and I forget to adapt, I forget to adjust, I forget to flow. I mean, I know that it's hard enough when you just got so much stuff going on. Every home has its highs and lows in the schedule, you got places to be, you got stuff to do. I mean, how do you guys keep up with like trying to stay steady when there's like a hundred different things to do at the same time?

[B]

I think for me it comes down to talking to my kids and making sure that I'm consistent in engaging with them and finding out what's going on. And some of that is taking advantage. Especially you know, those times that I feel impatient when I want it to be over, when I'm tired. I really need to talk myself back into, hey, they're coming to you right now. This is a golden opportunity. And you don't get these a lot. And so, you know, it might be midnight and they want to start talking. That's really the time that you need to lean in and hear where they're, hear where they're coming from. I, I, this happened about a month ago. My son started talking at around 11 o' clock and we ended up going until about 2, 2:30 in the morning and I was exhausted and ready for bed and, and so you just got to take advantage and of the time and that kind of helps me to kind of really clue into what's happening with them.

[A]

BJ I think you're so correct. I heard someone say other day that children are like dogs, they're always glad to see you. And teenagers are like cats, they'll talk to you when they want to. And that is so true. And I had to really learn, especially with my second son, that if he even remotely acts like he wants to talk, I better lock in because I may not get the window for a while. So adjusting is so huge. But I think keeping up with what's going on with them. My wife and I, we have to swap intel constantly, you know, that we both have the information that the other one has. I think another way to keep up with them, up to dated, up to date with them is by asking questions. But I've also learned the hard way that, you know, asking questions is a little bit of an, it's a little bit of an art. You know, I've learned that it's better to ask one question and just really listen instead of thinking about how I'm going to respond to their answers or even a follow up question. And I've noticed the older they get that sometimes questions can feel like questioning. So depending on how I phrase it or my tone of voice and how I listen to their answer, you have to be careful. But I think, I think questions are absolutely crucial in helping us to have the information we need to know how we need to adapt.

[D]

Yeah, I think being able to adapt is a superpower for dads. And I'm not necessarily the best at it. I get locked into my routine, I get locked into my habits. You know, I'm like, hey, listen kid, it's nine o', clock, like it's bedtime. But you know, lately the kids have been asking at 8:59 for a book and like, oh, like, come on. Like I was almost, it was almost at 9 o' clock, I want to go hang out and do stuff with my wife. And they're like, can we just do this? And if I'm not able to adapt and embrace that moment because they didn't ask me at 8:20, maybe they're stalling, maybe they're just playing me like a fiddle, I don't know. But they also are actually making a bid for connection and I don't want to ignore that or push it off. And so if we're unable to adapt, we're unable to change. And we only react from stress. We're just on autopilot all the time. We're unable to change. We're going to miss stuff because our kids are going to change and they change throughout the seasons. They change as they age. We got to stay connected to them by adjusting all the time. That's something you've been talking about, AI, Ted. That's something AI does. Like when you kind of change and shift, it'll shift with you. And I think that's kind of a cool way that it gives insight. But you got to be willing to adjust because your 8 year old, they receive information one way, but when they're 15, they won't receive it the same way. You've got to grow with your kids and you got to stay curious about who they are, not who they used to be. You know, you're raising a different kid every year. Things are changing all the time. Connection, it's active, it's not automatic. You have to be attentive to it and you have to grow and adapt with your kids.

[A]

It's a great way to say it. You know, I'm thinking in way of action steps just this week for, for all of us and people listening to just notice, when do I tend to rush, when do I tend to defend myself or redirect or escalate or assume? You know, this is not about overhauling parenting. It's just, it's just becoming aware of how we're responding. Because again, and Bob, you said awareness helps us to keep connected, which I think is a perfect transition into our Pro Move of the Week. Before you respond this week, silently ask is my response building connection or am I just proving a point? Just take a breath. One pause, one question. That's it. Well, thanks again to BJ and Bobby for this great discussion. And if you're listening to the podcast, did you know you can watch us on YouTube? Go ahead and subscribe to YouTube channel. Today there you're going to find even more great content to help you love your family well. And as always, we want to thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.

[E]

Thanks again for listening to the All Pro Dad Podcast. Behind every episode is our amazing team producer, Haley Mwat, audio and video editor Buck Buchanan, and production coordinator Corey Walliff. All Pro dad is the fatherhood program of the nonprofit Family first, along with our motherhood program imom. We exist to help you love your family well. So remember, if you have more questions than answers, then you're probably in the right place. See you next time.