Kids Benefit From Difficult Experiences. Here Are a Few. - All Pro Dad Podcast

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[00:00]
A
Hey, welcome to allprodad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, and our big question to start us off with is this. What are some things that are surprisingly good for kids? In this episode, we talk about why painful experiences like heartbreak, failure, and loss can actually shape our kids in powerful ways. How things like boredom, waiting, and struggle can build resilience and character. And why dads sometimes need to resist the urge to rescue their kids from every hard moment. I'm joined by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis, and we're talking about some of the suppression, surprising things that are actually good for kids, even when they're difficult in the moment. If you've ever struggled with watching your child go through something really hard, this conversation is for you. Let's get into it. Did you guys ever have something difficult in your life that now that you're looking back, you're really grateful that it happened?
[00:52]
B
Yeah, I think getting fired is probably one of the most painful things that I've ever experienced. I was a financial advisor for three years, and my son was one, and my daughter was on the way. And to make matters worse, my wife was on bed rest at the time. And. And when she doesn't work, she doesn't earn anything, so we lost her salary. And so all of a sudden, within the course of about two weeks, we went from two salaries to zero salaries, which was really, really painful. But I was in a. I was. Had moved into an assistant financial advisory. Made a couple crucial errors, not that affected clients, but that affected other advisors. And my boss pulled me aside, and he's like, I have to let you go. Your working here is starting to hurt people. So. So you know that when, you know, it's. It's just kind of this. It was this painful thing, but I was dying a little bit every day. And in fact, when I finally got fired, I called a counselor I had been seeing, and I said, I got fired from my job. And he said, it's about time. He goes, you hated that job, and it probably showed in your performance, and you should probably go back and apologize to your bosses like a man would. And I was like, well, all right, thanks for making me feel even worse. And so. So at the time, I think it was really, really painful. But ultimately it moved me to pursue things that I was really passionate about, because I wasn't passionate about finance in any way, shape, or form. You know, I. I'm passionate about what I do now. And so ultimately, I look back and I'm grateful that I got fired.
[02:54]
C
Yeah, I basically have the same story A very similar story where I switched careers. And it wasn't, you know, exactly how I thought it was going to go. I was in a previous life, a TV reporter. I went to a lot of sporting events. I would cover sports, Final Four, Super Bowls, you know, the whole thing, like really big events. Enjoyed it, it was super fun. But in the end, you know, it kind of was, you know, self serving in the moment. I was like, oh, this is really fun and it's just great. And it's over at 6:00 clock and like, it's as if it never happened. We just move on. Tomorrow there's something else. And so that was kind of, you know, something I enjoyed for a season, but it ended and it actually opened the door for me to start working here, which I think is really cool because, you know, I think what we do with the All Pro dad podcast and through Family first with our Motherhood and Fatherhood program provides hope that lasts longer than 6 o', clock, if that's the way to put it. We have more, hopefully eternal truths we can share and, you know, we can make a lasting impact with the stuff we do now. So, yeah, it was painful to leave something that I enjoyed, but it ultimately, I think is going to be to my benefit and hopefully to a lot of other folks, benefit because we do things that, you know, are long lasting. So, yeah, it's, it's tough going through things, you know, sometimes you don't see them coming.
[04:07]
A
I guess it's career day, you guys, here on the All Pro dad podcast because for me, prior to being with Family First, I worked for another nonprofit and oversaw like the marriage division of this thing for like 10 years. It wasn't easy, but I did love it and worked really hard at it. And then it was just gone. The division was dissolved and they said, we want you, you can stay here in a different capacity. But it just was not a healthy environment for me. And then about three years ago, I get to come on staff with Family first and it was exactly what I needed. And I'm so thankful for what was a really long, tough season. But I'm so thankful for it now. So that season sounds like we've all had seasons. It's not easy, for sure, but sometimes it's the tough things that teach us the most. And the same is true for our kids. That's why some difficult things can actually be good for them. That's why our big question of the week is what are some things that are surprisingly good for kids?
[05:14]
B
I think the first one that comes to mind is just sadness or brokenheartedness, which is one of the things that's hardest to watch our kids go through. But I remember when I. When I was in my 20s, I spent a lot of time around some really great parents and great, great families. Great parents, great kids. And I. One of the dads told me, he said we were talking about one of his daughters, and he's like, yeah, I hope somebody comes along that breaks her heart. And I was like, wow, I don't understand that whatsoever. And even now, as a dad, it's hard for me to wish something like that. But I do think, boy, broken hearts help our kids form a deep sense of empathy and thoughtfulness, humility and understanding. And I think ingrains in them, like, the ability to connect with people who are suffering and extend grace and forgiveness when they're wronged. And I think the love that they have to give other people, I think ultimately ends up being fuller, I think, because of being brokenhearted, going through sadness and difficulty. And ultimately, I think that improves their relationships and all. And beyond that, just their life satisfaction, I think, goes up. So while it's a hard thing to kind of hope for and root for sadness and brokenheartedness, I think ultimately is what produces some really beautiful people.
[06:47]
C
You mentioned heartbrokenness and just sadness in general. My family went to a funeral yesterday, was just someone that we'd known for a long time, and I took our kids, and it was interesting. No one ever likes going to funerals, but my kids handled it really well. And I think it was partly due to the fact that my. My grandmother had passed away a couple years ago, and they were much younger. So we went to that funeral. And then on a different scale, our dog died last year. And so they were sad to lose a member of the family. And so, like, they've. They've learned that it's okay to feel and grieve through stuff like that. So when you're sad and when your heart is broken. No, nobody wants to go through that sort of stuff. I don't like it when my kids hurt. I don't like it when I hurt. But they. They've been through it before, and they've seen that, like, the sun comes up again tomorrow. And I. And I do think that's really good because they're going to have their heart broken. They're going to be sad many, many times throughout the course of their life, and they need to know that, you know, it's. It's okay to hurt in the moment. And then the Sun's going to come up.
[07:48]
A
You know, it's good for him, right? But it's so hard to watch it. My daughter got her heart broken by a group of friends in high school. And it was one of the toughest things I've ever witnessed to see her hurting and, and as her parents, we weren't able to do that much about it, if anything with it, other than love her and empathize, which I now know is not nothing was, it was something. And. But now she's, she's in college and she's surrounded by incredible friends. Like I can't keep up with like all the Caitlin's and the Kinsey's and the Sophie's and like she'll be telling me, I'm like, I don't know all these names. It sounds like squirrels, but awesome. But I love it that it went from having, she went from having this heartache to having these friends. And I think what it's taught her and even our family as we talk to her as well, going, man, high school was so tough. How great is this? So I think it was that heartache that has taught not just her gratitude, but our whole family gratitude. And so when we talk to reflect on that off a lot to say, gosh, you've got some really great friends. And without that heartache, I don't think she would have. Would know it like she knows it to the level that she does. She does. Now. Another thing that's surprisingly good for our kids is waiting. And our kids, they don't have to wait for much because it's the one click thing and they're never bored. Do you guys remember when your parents would drag you places? Do you hate like that you hated. My dad was a farmer and if he ever ran into another farmer, I just wanted to like run away forever because I thought this is. He's a very shy man unless he's talking to another farmer. And it was just like, ah, just waiting, waiting. And it's surprisingly good for our kids to have a weight, have to wait, especially during this, you know, in the culture we're living in. Because waiting helps them to deal with delayed gratification. And it also, research shows it improves their patient and emotional regulation is to wait. Which I don't think any of us love that. Especially when your dad's a farmer, talking to a farmer.
[09:58]
B
Oh well, particularly, you know, like when like my parents would take us to the bank and now it'd be like if you go to something like that, the kid gets an, an iPad to play with. Like, we would just have to go in there and sit there and you know, like, maybe we could take one of those pens that's connected to a chain and like draw on something. But like there was nothing to do. Just that I could feel my soul elevate out of my body and, and all of a sudden I had no muscle tone to hold myself up when, whenever I was in there. But I think that's, that's. I think, you know, the, the thing with this generation, I don't think they don't have those natural areas where they're required to wait. You know, we had so many natural places where like we just had to sit there and wait. But I think that's even one of the hardest things now is just even that one of the negatives of video games and reels is the payoff is so instantaneous that they don't have to do a lot of work before they get the dopamine hit. You know, it's. And so ultimately it's in reels too. It's, it's. You watch a reel and it's 30 seconds, you get the payoff. You're not even watching a full on movie where you finally get to the ending or the, or just even a TV show where it builds to crescendo at the end of the half an hour, an hour. And so I don't know, I think I. In a lot of ways, I think what we've done is we've eliminated the journey for a cheap victory and, and there's just no cost. There's no cost to a quick, to a quick dopamine hit, you know, with all of these.
[11:40]
C
So funny you mentioned video games a second ago. And that reminded me of a conversation that I actually had yesterday with someone because we were playing. My son and I were playing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game on the Nintendo Switch. And it was super fun. It's a game that I actually played as a kid on like the arcade with the joystick and they hit the little buttons like you went to the arc, you know, arcade, or you know, wherever we were, like, I remember the actual game and now they've modified it for Nintendo Switch. And so we're playing it and I'm getting beat up. I'm like the worst turtle ever. And I'm like, all right, I'm running out of energy. All my little hearts are gone and I'm done. I'm like, all right, I guess I'm finished. No, it just regenerates. And there you are again. I'm like, whoa, wait a minute, kid. You never had to suffer through starting the whole level over again. You just pick up and keep playing Mario. You know, many times I had to start over in level one of Mario or Sonic the Hedgehog or whatever because you couldn't just pick up right where you left off. And I got very angry at my son. I was like, you don't understand how hard this is.
[12:35]
B
You don't get how hard. Video games were even harder when we
[12:38]
C
were hard back then. Man, oh man. But we actually had a similar thing happen in our neighborhood. They repaved our neighborhood. And, you know, a form of waiting that I thought was good is, you know, delayed gratification. Like, the kids were out there and they paved half the street and like, can we go ride on it? Like, nope, you gotta wait till it's totally done. They're like, why? And in my head I was like, this is gonna be good for you to wait another day. Because their excitement built, their anticipation built, they got really pumped up. Do it. They finally finished paving it. We went out, we. We had a great time. But there was self control involved, there's patience involved, perseverance. You know, the waiting is really good for kids. And when we remove that, we actually remove a lot of those growth moments where they can gain maturity and they can learn all sorts of skills. So I like making my kids wait. I might make them just start the video game over tonight just for fun, just to see how he handles that. That'd be kind of a fun experiment. Another way I think that kids actually grow through hard things is boredom. I am a big fan of letting my kids be bored. I think it's a great thing. It kind of dovetails a little bit with the last point we just talked about. Kids have a lot of stim. There's a lot of screens out there. There's constant schedules of go to this activity and then it runs right into this activity. And then there's no time to be bored. They're just going from thing to thing to thing to thing, and then boom, it's bedtime. And then we started all over again in the morning. I think when they're bored, they get an opportunity to problem solve and be creative and use their imagination or just sit and have some quiet reflection. You know, it gives your chance, your brain a chance to kind of reset and build attention when you're bored.
[14:15]
B
Yeah, I, as a parent, as a dad, I think I. I felt pressure or have felt pressure. And I think a lot of people feel pressure to give kids the most amazing childhood that we try to pack it with fun all the time. You know, it's, it's. They have to be having a great time. I don't. What's the, what's the saying? Idle time is the devil's devil's workshop. Like devil's workshop. Yeah. I think we're all just kind of too afraid of that. We kind of think, oh, you know, idle time and our kids will get in trouble. But I, I'm with you, Bobby. I think we need to let them be bored. But it's, it's easy to say that and, but once they, they're bored, I start feeling that pressure. Like I need to create some fun for them.
[15:01]
C
So yeah, just this past weekend we were at a little youth hockey game and I was overhearing one of the parents say we got to hurry up because they had just come from a T ball game or whatever it was. Then they did a hockey game like hurry, we got to get to the band event. I' how many events do you have? Like, my goodness, there's just one after another. Personally, I think it's just too much. I think it's good for kids to have that downtime. It's a healthy rhythm for them. When you schedule every single moment of their life when inevitably they come up to a blank space on the calendar, they're not going to know how to behave, they're not going to know how to act because they've never practiced it. So boredom, I think is a really sometimes painful but good thing for kids.
[15:37]
B
Yeah, I think it's very healthy. Well, another thing that I think is one of those things you don't think about that's good for kids that I is sort of surprising are their struggles. And it's again, it's another hard thing to watch our kids go through struggles and we almost want to eliminate them. But our muscles grow when they face resistance. And our kids ability to handle difficulty in this world comes through experience. Like in a weightless environment, our muscles would just atrophy. And so the same is true with our mental and our emotional maturity. In order to grow strong, like we have to go through difficult times, we have to go through discomfort, we have to go through barriers. Facing and overcoming challenges builds kids perseverance and that's what makes them. Gives them kind of the more resolve to, to handle life. And, and one day they'll be able to handle any difficulty if they, if they experience enough of them. So there, there's. I live in Oklahoma City and one of the.1 of the biggest calling cards of Oklahoma City is the fact that it. One of the most horrific things that ever happened in the history of this country, let alone this state, was the Oklahoma City bombing. And about 100 yards away from where the bomb went off was this big American elm. And it was just blown to smithereens. And within a month, within a month it was, it was left with this charred little. Why with like a little pathetic couple of sticks out of the top of it. That was the only thing that was left. But over time, it grew and it grew and it grew back and now it's fuller and even more beautiful than it ever it ever was before. It still has the scars on it, but it's this full, beautiful thing that, that, that Oklahomans call the survivor tree. And it's one of my favorite things to go down and look at a remind. It's a. This great picture and reminder of going through struggles can, can ultimately make us fuller, stronger people.
[17:56]
C
Yeah, that's a beautiful story.
[17:59]
A
Yeah.
[17:59]
C
I lived in Oklahoma for a couple years and that is a big deal there in the state. But it should be for everybody just to get a picture of it, just to go see it, Google it if you've never seen it before, because it's really cool. You know, struggles in general, they, they naturally are going to occur. We actually tried to introduce a little small dose of struggles on purpose in our house, but kind of through a fun way. So we would intentionally. My kids like Legos. We would intentionally buy them LEGO sets that were one stage ahead. So if they were like 8 years old, we would buy the one that was made for 10 year olds, or if they were 10, we'd buy the ones made for 12 year olds. They had more pieces than, you know, they think they probably could handle at that age because it was hard and they liked Lego. So they were up for the challenge. They wanted to have the excitement of finishing the piece, but we intentionally made it harder without them really kind of knowing that we made it harder. So they're having fun, but we're actually testing them a little bit and they're struggling to find all these little tiny, intricate pieces. But at the end they had this payoff. So that's obviously a small example, but I think we can kind of introduce some struggle in a controlled environment that actually will benefit them in the end.
[19:03]
A
Yeah, it's, it's, it's hard to watch our kids struggle. Right. You know, the LEGO struggles, I think that's great, Bobby. I think introducing those, those small things it's, but it's hard for the bigger things to watch our kids struggle, you know.
[19:17]
C
Oh, for sure. Yeah.
[19:18]
A
Oh. And our instinct can be to fix it or save it. Right. But we've learned as our kids have gotten older, the less they want our advice anyway. So the best thing we can do is to allow the struggle, but to also, and I know we want our listeners to hear this, that we've still got to be there with them and we've still got to empathize with them. We still got to be there and just, hey, they don't want to advice anyway. So what if we said, hey, I know this is really hard and I'm so sorry, like, what do you think you should do? But I think just our presence and just saying, I'm sorry, I know this is hard, it's so important. But this, the struggle, they're going to struggle. We know it. We've all had struggles. They're going to have struggles, I think partnered with them being there. But letting it happen, letting it happen is not, is not easy. Another thing that this is a really tough one that's surprisingly good for our kids is failure. You know, I think if any of us look back on our lives, you know, the things that really built us up, you know, we're typically our failures as much or more than our wins because it establishes this humility. You know, it's a thing we're talking about with jobs earlier. We all like lost something at work and establish this humility and it encourages this perseverance and it's a really good learning opportunity. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it really is. And failure for our kids and for us, it makes us go back to the drawing board. It makes us to study harder, to train harder, to go to a work environment where we say, oh, this is where I would function better or, or thrive more. And we get stronger, we get smarter, hopefully. But more than anything, we learn about ourselves, what we're good at, what we're, we're bad at. We stay out of the financial games, right? BJ yeah. Right. But it's where you find, you know, our grit.
[21:18]
B
Yeah. So I think we, a couple action steps, like we've talked about some of these along the way, but just to kind of make these clear, when your kid starts facing any one of these things, number one, be grateful because these are things that are going to ultimately help to well round them. They're going to build their endurance and their perseverance and character. So it's, it's really an opportunity for them to grow that you should be grateful for. Number two, empathize with them. Walk through life with them. Kind of feel what they're feeling. Hey, man, this is hard. I'm so sorry. I've dealt with it, too. And just sort of let them be with them in the pain, but let them experience the pain. It's not a bad thing. It's. It's a good thing for them to experience. Next, advise them, but don't do it for them. Giving guidance is not for you to do for them. So let them go through it. Even saying stuff like, you know, this is what I would do, but the question is, what are you going to do about it? And let them do it. And finally, they're experiencing difficulty, they're experiencing setback, and we all need encouragement in the midst of that. So you can't fix it. But one of the things that you can encourage them and say, hey, listen, this is not the end of the world. You can overcome this. We all face challenges. You're going to learn a lot from it, but let's try to figure out how you can grow from this and move forward. And by the way, you're showing a lot of character in the midst of this difficulty and do something that gives them encouragement for what they're doing.
[22:55]
A
That's good, you guys, such a great conversation. I think this is a great time to go into our pro move of the week. This isn't easy, but this is important. The next time your child goes through something difficult, stand back and let them handle it. Stand back and let them handle it. Thank you again to BJ and Bobby for this great discussion. If this podcast is a help to you, consider sending it to a friend. You probably know other dads who are trying to love their families well, so send them this resource and it's a compliment to us and a great tool for them. And as always, we want to say thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.
[23:50]
C
It.

Summary5 min read

All Pro Dad Podcast Episode Summary

Episode Title: Kids Benefit From Difficult Experiences. Here Are a Few. Date: August 3, 2026 Host: Ted Lowe Guests: BJ Foster, Bobby Lewis

Overview

This episode centers on the paradoxical idea that difficult experiences—such as heartbreak, boredom, failure, and struggle—are not only unavoidable for children but can actually lead to important growth and resilience. Hosts Ted Lowe, BJ Foster, and Bobby Lewis share personal experiences and practical insights for dads struggling to watch their kids face life's tough moments, emphasizing that resisting the urge to immediately "rescue" children can pay lifelong dividends.

Key Discussion Points & Insights

Personal Stories of Difficulty Leading to Growth

Career Setbacks as Growth Catalysts
- BJ Foster: Recalls getting fired as "the most painful thing" he ever experienced, especially with a young family and a wife on bed rest. His counselor's blunt response: "It's about time. You hated that job, and it probably showed in your performance." (01:40) This setback pushed BJ toward a career he's far more passionate about.
- Bobby Lewis: Shares about leaving a rewarding yet fleeting TV sports reporting career for a role at All Pro Dad, where he feels his work has "eternal" impact. Painful in the moment, but ultimately more fulfilling. "We do things that, you know, are long lasting." (03:37)
- Ted Lowe: Describes losing a nonprofit job division but eventually finding purpose and gratitude at Family First, emphasizing that “the tough things...teach us the most.” (04:57)

Difficult Experiences that Help Kids

1. Sadness and Heartbreak (05:14)

BJ Foster: Highlights how heartbreak and sadness teach empathy, humility, and the ability to extend grace. "Broken hearts help our kids form a deep sense of empathy...the ability to connect with people who are suffering and extend grace and forgiveness." (05:39)
Bobby Lewis: Reflects on exposing his children to real grief through family funerals and even the loss of a pet. This repeated exposure has taught them emotional resilience: "They've seen that, like, the sun comes up again tomorrow." (07:20)
Ted Lowe: Shares a story of his daughter's high school heartbreak, emphasizing the eventual deep gratitude felt once better relationships arrived. "Without that heartache...she would [not] know it like she knows it to the level that she does now." (08:17)

2. Waiting and Delayed Gratification (08:56)

Ted Lowe: Champions the value of waiting, recalling boring childhood waits on the farm as an exercise in patience—a skill missing in today's instant-gratification culture.
BJ Foster: Compares past generations' enforced waiting with today's easy dopamine hits from screens: "We've eliminated the journey for a cheap victory and...there's just no cost to a quick dopamine hit." (10:44)
Bobby Lewis: Shares a story about kids waiting for a newly paved street to dry, pointing out how anticipation and self-control are fostered in these moments. (12:37)

3. Boredom (13:40)

Bobby Lewis: Argues for the value of unstructured time: "When they're bored, they get an opportunity to problem solve and be creative and use their imagination..." (13:57)
BJ Foster: Admits facing pressure to constantly entertain kids, but supports the idea that boredom is beneficial.
Bobby Lewis: Critiques overscheduling, noting that when kids finally face a blank spot on the calendar, "they're not going to know how to behave, they're not going to know how to act because they've never practiced it." (15:17)

4. Struggles and Controlled Challenges (15:37)

BJ Foster: Explains that overcoming struggles is essential: "Our muscles grow when they face resistance...our kids' ability to handle difficulty in this world comes through experience." (15:48)
Illustrates with the story of the Survivor Tree in Oklahoma City—a living symbol of growth after devastation. "It still has the scars on it, but it's this full, beautiful thing..." (17:33)
Bobby Lewis: Describes intentionally buying his kids challenging LEGO sets as a safe, contained way to let them struggle and grow. (18:10)

5. Failure (19:18)

Ted Lowe: Stresses that failure breeds humility and perseverance: "The things that really built us up...were typically our failures as much or more than our wins." (19:25)
Emphasizes letting kids experience setbacks without immediately intervening, which helps them learn more about themselves and build grit.

Notable Quotes & Memorable Moments

"I was dying a little bit every day." — BJ Foster on working in the wrong career (01:20)
"Boy, broken hearts help our kids form a deep sense of empathy and thoughtfulness...I think ultimately ends up being fuller." — BJ Foster (05:39)
"They need to know that it's okay to hurt in the moment. And then the Sun's going to come up." — Bobby Lewis (07:33)
"We've eliminated the journey for a cheap victory..." — BJ Foster, reflecting on modern entertainment and impatience (10:54)
"When they're bored, they get an opportunity to problem solve and be creative and use their imagination..." — Bobby Lewis (13:57)
"In order to grow strong, like we have to go through difficult times...facing and overcoming challenges builds kids' perseverance." — BJ Foster (15:48)
"The tough things...teach us the most. And the same is true for our kids." — Ted Lowe (05:01)
"Letting it happen is not easy." — Ted Lowe on allowing kids to struggle (19:09)

Timestamps for Important Segments

00:52 – Career setbacks that became growth moments
05:14 – Impact of heartbreak and sadness on kids
08:56 – The importance of waiting and delayed gratification
13:40 – Why boredom is healthy for development
15:37 – The necessity and value of struggle
19:18 – How failure strengthens character and humility
21:17 – Action steps for parents
22:54 – “Pro Move of the Week”: Stand back and let your child handle hard things

Practical Action Steps & Takeaways

Be Grateful (21:17)
- Recognize that hard moments will shape your child’s character.
Empathize
- Be present and share in the feeling, but don’t immediately solve the problem.
Advise, Don’t Rescue
- Offer guidance, not solutions. Phrase advice as questions: "What are you going to do about it?"
Encourage
- Remind them: "This is not the end of the world. You're showing a lot of character."

Pro Move of the Week
"The next time your child goes through something difficult, stand back and let them handle it." (22:54)

Overall Tone

The discussion is open, humorous, and empathetic—hosted by dads who admit their own uncertainties and mistakes, balancing encouragement for hands-off parenting with an acknowledgment of how hard it can be to watch your kids struggle.

Summary Usefulness

With vivid stories, actionable advice, and memorable analogies (the Survivor Tree, challenging LEGO sets, the irritation of waiting at the bank), this episode equips parents—especially dads—to embrace, not fear, their children's hard times as major moments for long-term growth.

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Transcript23 lines

[00:00]
A
Hey, welcome to allprodad Podcast. I'm Ted Lowe, and our big question to start us off with is this. What are some things that are surprisingly good for kids? In this episode, we talk about why painful experiences like heartbreak, failure, and loss can actually shape our kids in powerful ways. How things like boredom, waiting, and struggle can build resilience and character. And why dads sometimes need to resist the urge to rescue their kids from every hard moment. I'm joined by BJ Foster and Bobby Lewis, and we're talking about some of the suppression, surprising things that are actually good for kids, even when they're difficult in the moment. If you've ever struggled with watching your child go through something really hard, this conversation is for you. Let's get into it. Did you guys ever have something difficult in your life that now that you're looking back, you're really grateful that it happened?
[00:52]
B
Yeah, I think getting fired is probably one of the most painful things that I've ever experienced. I was a financial advisor for three years, and my son was one, and my daughter was on the way. And to make matters worse, my wife was on bed rest at the time. And. And when she doesn't work, she doesn't earn anything, so we lost her salary. And so all of a sudden, within the course of about two weeks, we went from two salaries to zero salaries, which was really, really painful. But I was in a. I was. Had moved into an assistant financial advisory. Made a couple crucial errors, not that affected clients, but that affected other advisors. And my boss pulled me aside, and he's like, I have to let you go. Your working here is starting to hurt people. So. So you know that when, you know, it's. It's just kind of this. It was this painful thing, but I was dying a little bit every day. And in fact, when I finally got fired, I called a counselor I had been seeing, and I said, I got fired from my job. And he said, it's about time. He goes, you hated that job, and it probably showed in your performance, and you should probably go back and apologize to your bosses like a man would. And I was like, well, all right, thanks for making me feel even worse. And so. So at the time, I think it was really, really painful. But ultimately it moved me to pursue things that I was really passionate about, because I wasn't passionate about finance in any way, shape, or form. You know, I. I'm passionate about what I do now. And so ultimately, I look back and I'm grateful that I got fired.
[02:54]
C
Yeah, I basically have the same story A very similar story where I switched careers. And it wasn't, you know, exactly how I thought it was going to go. I was in a previous life, a TV reporter. I went to a lot of sporting events. I would cover sports, Final Four, Super Bowls, you know, the whole thing, like really big events. Enjoyed it, it was super fun. But in the end, you know, it kind of was, you know, self serving in the moment. I was like, oh, this is really fun and it's just great. And it's over at 6:00 clock and like, it's as if it never happened. We just move on. Tomorrow there's something else. And so that was kind of, you know, something I enjoyed for a season, but it ended and it actually opened the door for me to start working here, which I think is really cool because, you know, I think what we do with the All Pro dad podcast and through Family first with our Motherhood and Fatherhood program provides hope that lasts longer than 6 o', clock, if that's the way to put it. We have more, hopefully eternal truths we can share and, you know, we can make a lasting impact with the stuff we do now. So, yeah, it was painful to leave something that I enjoyed, but it ultimately, I think is going to be to my benefit and hopefully to a lot of other folks, benefit because we do things that, you know, are long lasting. So, yeah, it's, it's tough going through things, you know, sometimes you don't see them coming.
[04:07]
A
I guess it's career day, you guys, here on the All Pro dad podcast because for me, prior to being with Family First, I worked for another nonprofit and oversaw like the marriage division of this thing for like 10 years. It wasn't easy, but I did love it and worked really hard at it. And then it was just gone. The division was dissolved and they said, we want you, you can stay here in a different capacity. But it just was not a healthy environment for me. And then about three years ago, I get to come on staff with Family first and it was exactly what I needed. And I'm so thankful for what was a really long, tough season. But I'm so thankful for it now. So that season sounds like we've all had seasons. It's not easy, for sure, but sometimes it's the tough things that teach us the most. And the same is true for our kids. That's why some difficult things can actually be good for them. That's why our big question of the week is what are some things that are surprisingly good for kids?
[05:14]
B
I think the first one that comes to mind is just sadness or brokenheartedness, which is one of the things that's hardest to watch our kids go through. But I remember when I. When I was in my 20s, I spent a lot of time around some really great parents and great, great families. Great parents, great kids. And I. One of the dads told me, he said we were talking about one of his daughters, and he's like, yeah, I hope somebody comes along that breaks her heart. And I was like, wow, I don't understand that whatsoever. And even now, as a dad, it's hard for me to wish something like that. But I do think, boy, broken hearts help our kids form a deep sense of empathy and thoughtfulness, humility and understanding. And I think ingrains in them, like, the ability to connect with people who are suffering and extend grace and forgiveness when they're wronged. And I think the love that they have to give other people, I think ultimately ends up being fuller, I think, because of being brokenhearted, going through sadness and difficulty. And ultimately, I think that improves their relationships and all. And beyond that, just their life satisfaction, I think, goes up. So while it's a hard thing to kind of hope for and root for sadness and brokenheartedness, I think ultimately is what produces some really beautiful people.
[06:47]
C
You mentioned heartbrokenness and just sadness in general. My family went to a funeral yesterday, was just someone that we'd known for a long time, and I took our kids, and it was interesting. No one ever likes going to funerals, but my kids handled it really well. And I think it was partly due to the fact that my. My grandmother had passed away a couple years ago, and they were much younger. So we went to that funeral. And then on a different scale, our dog died last year. And so they were sad to lose a member of the family. And so, like, they've. They've learned that it's okay to feel and grieve through stuff like that. So when you're sad and when your heart is broken. No, nobody wants to go through that sort of stuff. I don't like it when my kids hurt. I don't like it when I hurt. But they. They've been through it before, and they've seen that, like, the sun comes up again tomorrow. And I. And I do think that's really good because they're going to have their heart broken. They're going to be sad many, many times throughout the course of their life, and they need to know that, you know, it's. It's okay to hurt in the moment. And then the Sun's going to come up.
[07:48]
A
You know, it's good for him, right? But it's so hard to watch it. My daughter got her heart broken by a group of friends in high school. And it was one of the toughest things I've ever witnessed to see her hurting and, and as her parents, we weren't able to do that much about it, if anything with it, other than love her and empathize, which I now know is not nothing was, it was something. And. But now she's, she's in college and she's surrounded by incredible friends. Like I can't keep up with like all the Caitlin's and the Kinsey's and the Sophie's and like she'll be telling me, I'm like, I don't know all these names. It sounds like squirrels, but awesome. But I love it that it went from having, she went from having this heartache to having these friends. And I think what it's taught her and even our family as we talk to her as well, going, man, high school was so tough. How great is this? So I think it was that heartache that has taught not just her gratitude, but our whole family gratitude. And so when we talk to reflect on that off a lot to say, gosh, you've got some really great friends. And without that heartache, I don't think she would have. Would know it like she knows it to the level that she does. She does. Now. Another thing that's surprisingly good for our kids is waiting. And our kids, they don't have to wait for much because it's the one click thing and they're never bored. Do you guys remember when your parents would drag you places? Do you hate like that you hated. My dad was a farmer and if he ever ran into another farmer, I just wanted to like run away forever because I thought this is. He's a very shy man unless he's talking to another farmer. And it was just like, ah, just waiting, waiting. And it's surprisingly good for our kids to have a weight, have to wait, especially during this, you know, in the culture we're living in. Because waiting helps them to deal with delayed gratification. And it also, research shows it improves their patient and emotional regulation is to wait. Which I don't think any of us love that. Especially when your dad's a farmer, talking to a farmer.
[09:58]
B
Oh well, particularly, you know, like when like my parents would take us to the bank and now it'd be like if you go to something like that, the kid gets an, an iPad to play with. Like, we would just have to go in there and sit there and you know, like, maybe we could take one of those pens that's connected to a chain and like draw on something. But like there was nothing to do. Just that I could feel my soul elevate out of my body and, and all of a sudden I had no muscle tone to hold myself up when, whenever I was in there. But I think that's, that's. I think, you know, the, the thing with this generation, I don't think they don't have those natural areas where they're required to wait. You know, we had so many natural places where like we just had to sit there and wait. But I think that's even one of the hardest things now is just even that one of the negatives of video games and reels is the payoff is so instantaneous that they don't have to do a lot of work before they get the dopamine hit. You know, it's. And so ultimately it's in reels too. It's, it's. You watch a reel and it's 30 seconds, you get the payoff. You're not even watching a full on movie where you finally get to the ending or the, or just even a TV show where it builds to crescendo at the end of the half an hour, an hour. And so I don't know, I think I. In a lot of ways, I think what we've done is we've eliminated the journey for a cheap victory and, and there's just no cost. There's no cost to a quick, to a quick dopamine hit, you know, with all of these.
[11:40]
C
So funny you mentioned video games a second ago. And that reminded me of a conversation that I actually had yesterday with someone because we were playing. My son and I were playing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game on the Nintendo Switch. And it was super fun. It's a game that I actually played as a kid on like the arcade with the joystick and they hit the little buttons like you went to the arc, you know, arcade, or you know, wherever we were, like, I remember the actual game and now they've modified it for Nintendo Switch. And so we're playing it and I'm getting beat up. I'm like the worst turtle ever. And I'm like, all right, I'm running out of energy. All my little hearts are gone and I'm done. I'm like, all right, I guess I'm finished. No, it just regenerates. And there you are again. I'm like, whoa, wait a minute, kid. You never had to suffer through starting the whole level over again. You just pick up and keep playing Mario. You know, many times I had to start over in level one of Mario or Sonic the Hedgehog or whatever because you couldn't just pick up right where you left off. And I got very angry at my son. I was like, you don't understand how hard this is.
[12:35]
B
You don't get how hard. Video games were even harder when we
[12:38]
C
were hard back then. Man, oh man. But we actually had a similar thing happen in our neighborhood. They repaved our neighborhood. And, you know, a form of waiting that I thought was good is, you know, delayed gratification. Like, the kids were out there and they paved half the street and like, can we go ride on it? Like, nope, you gotta wait till it's totally done. They're like, why? And in my head I was like, this is gonna be good for you to wait another day. Because their excitement built, their anticipation built, they got really pumped up. Do it. They finally finished paving it. We went out, we. We had a great time. But there was self control involved, there's patience involved, perseverance. You know, the waiting is really good for kids. And when we remove that, we actually remove a lot of those growth moments where they can gain maturity and they can learn all sorts of skills. So I like making my kids wait. I might make them just start the video game over tonight just for fun, just to see how he handles that. That'd be kind of a fun experiment. Another way I think that kids actually grow through hard things is boredom. I am a big fan of letting my kids be bored. I think it's a great thing. It kind of dovetails a little bit with the last point we just talked about. Kids have a lot of stim. There's a lot of screens out there. There's constant schedules of go to this activity and then it runs right into this activity. And then there's no time to be bored. They're just going from thing to thing to thing to thing, and then boom, it's bedtime. And then we started all over again in the morning. I think when they're bored, they get an opportunity to problem solve and be creative and use their imagination or just sit and have some quiet reflection. You know, it gives your chance, your brain a chance to kind of reset and build attention when you're bored.
[14:15]
B
Yeah, I, as a parent, as a dad, I think I. I felt pressure or have felt pressure. And I think a lot of people feel pressure to give kids the most amazing childhood that we try to pack it with fun all the time. You know, it's, it's. They have to be having a great time. I don't. What's the, what's the saying? Idle time is the devil's devil's workshop. Like devil's workshop. Yeah. I think we're all just kind of too afraid of that. We kind of think, oh, you know, idle time and our kids will get in trouble. But I, I'm with you, Bobby. I think we need to let them be bored. But it's, it's easy to say that and, but once they, they're bored, I start feeling that pressure. Like I need to create some fun for them.
[15:01]
C
So yeah, just this past weekend we were at a little youth hockey game and I was overhearing one of the parents say we got to hurry up because they had just come from a T ball game or whatever it was. Then they did a hockey game like hurry, we got to get to the band event. I' how many events do you have? Like, my goodness, there's just one after another. Personally, I think it's just too much. I think it's good for kids to have that downtime. It's a healthy rhythm for them. When you schedule every single moment of their life when inevitably they come up to a blank space on the calendar, they're not going to know how to behave, they're not going to know how to act because they've never practiced it. So boredom, I think is a really sometimes painful but good thing for kids.
[15:37]
B
Yeah, I think it's very healthy. Well, another thing that I think is one of those things you don't think about that's good for kids that I is sort of surprising are their struggles. And it's again, it's another hard thing to watch our kids go through struggles and we almost want to eliminate them. But our muscles grow when they face resistance. And our kids ability to handle difficulty in this world comes through experience. Like in a weightless environment, our muscles would just atrophy. And so the same is true with our mental and our emotional maturity. In order to grow strong, like we have to go through difficult times, we have to go through discomfort, we have to go through barriers. Facing and overcoming challenges builds kids perseverance and that's what makes them. Gives them kind of the more resolve to, to handle life. And, and one day they'll be able to handle any difficulty if they, if they experience enough of them. So there, there's. I live in Oklahoma City and one of the.1 of the biggest calling cards of Oklahoma City is the fact that it. One of the most horrific things that ever happened in the history of this country, let alone this state, was the Oklahoma City bombing. And about 100 yards away from where the bomb went off was this big American elm. And it was just blown to smithereens. And within a month, within a month it was, it was left with this charred little. Why with like a little pathetic couple of sticks out of the top of it. That was the only thing that was left. But over time, it grew and it grew and it grew back and now it's fuller and even more beautiful than it ever it ever was before. It still has the scars on it, but it's this full, beautiful thing that, that, that Oklahomans call the survivor tree. And it's one of my favorite things to go down and look at a remind. It's a. This great picture and reminder of going through struggles can, can ultimately make us fuller, stronger people.
[17:56]
C
Yeah, that's a beautiful story.
[17:59]
A
Yeah.
[17:59]
C
I lived in Oklahoma for a couple years and that is a big deal there in the state. But it should be for everybody just to get a picture of it, just to go see it, Google it if you've never seen it before, because it's really cool. You know, struggles in general, they, they naturally are going to occur. We actually tried to introduce a little small dose of struggles on purpose in our house, but kind of through a fun way. So we would intentionally. My kids like Legos. We would intentionally buy them LEGO sets that were one stage ahead. So if they were like 8 years old, we would buy the one that was made for 10 year olds, or if they were 10, we'd buy the ones made for 12 year olds. They had more pieces than, you know, they think they probably could handle at that age because it was hard and they liked Lego. So they were up for the challenge. They wanted to have the excitement of finishing the piece, but we intentionally made it harder without them really kind of knowing that we made it harder. So they're having fun, but we're actually testing them a little bit and they're struggling to find all these little tiny, intricate pieces. But at the end they had this payoff. So that's obviously a small example, but I think we can kind of introduce some struggle in a controlled environment that actually will benefit them in the end.
[19:03]
A
Yeah, it's, it's, it's hard to watch our kids struggle. Right. You know, the LEGO struggles, I think that's great, Bobby. I think introducing those, those small things it's, but it's hard for the bigger things to watch our kids struggle, you know.
[19:17]
C
Oh, for sure. Yeah.
[19:18]
A
Oh. And our instinct can be to fix it or save it. Right. But we've learned as our kids have gotten older, the less they want our advice anyway. So the best thing we can do is to allow the struggle, but to also, and I know we want our listeners to hear this, that we've still got to be there with them and we've still got to empathize with them. We still got to be there and just, hey, they don't want to advice anyway. So what if we said, hey, I know this is really hard and I'm so sorry, like, what do you think you should do? But I think just our presence and just saying, I'm sorry, I know this is hard, it's so important. But this, the struggle, they're going to struggle. We know it. We've all had struggles. They're going to have struggles, I think partnered with them being there. But letting it happen, letting it happen is not, is not easy. Another thing that this is a really tough one that's surprisingly good for our kids is failure. You know, I think if any of us look back on our lives, you know, the things that really built us up, you know, we're typically our failures as much or more than our wins because it establishes this humility. You know, it's a thing we're talking about with jobs earlier. We all like lost something at work and establish this humility and it encourages this perseverance and it's a really good learning opportunity. It doesn't feel like it at the time, but it really is. And failure for our kids and for us, it makes us go back to the drawing board. It makes us to study harder, to train harder, to go to a work environment where we say, oh, this is where I would function better or, or thrive more. And we get stronger, we get smarter, hopefully. But more than anything, we learn about ourselves, what we're good at, what we're, we're bad at. We stay out of the financial games, right? BJ yeah. Right. But it's where you find, you know, our grit.
[21:18]
B
Yeah. So I think we, a couple action steps, like we've talked about some of these along the way, but just to kind of make these clear, when your kid starts facing any one of these things, number one, be grateful because these are things that are going to ultimately help to well round them. They're going to build their endurance and their perseverance and character. So it's, it's really an opportunity for them to grow that you should be grateful for. Number two, empathize with them. Walk through life with them. Kind of feel what they're feeling. Hey, man, this is hard. I'm so sorry. I've dealt with it, too. And just sort of let them be with them in the pain, but let them experience the pain. It's not a bad thing. It's. It's a good thing for them to experience. Next, advise them, but don't do it for them. Giving guidance is not for you to do for them. So let them go through it. Even saying stuff like, you know, this is what I would do, but the question is, what are you going to do about it? And let them do it. And finally, they're experiencing difficulty, they're experiencing setback, and we all need encouragement in the midst of that. So you can't fix it. But one of the things that you can encourage them and say, hey, listen, this is not the end of the world. You can overcome this. We all face challenges. You're going to learn a lot from it, but let's try to figure out how you can grow from this and move forward. And by the way, you're showing a lot of character in the midst of this difficulty and do something that gives them encouragement for what they're doing.
[22:55]
A
That's good, you guys, such a great conversation. I think this is a great time to go into our pro move of the week. This isn't easy, but this is important. The next time your child goes through something difficult, stand back and let them handle it. Stand back and let them handle it. Thank you again to BJ and Bobby for this great discussion. If this podcast is a help to you, consider sending it to a friend. You probably know other dads who are trying to love their families well, so send them this resource and it's a compliment to us and a great tool for them. And as always, we want to say thank you for listening. We know that you and your kids will be glad that you did.
[23:50]
C
It.